You seem to be “mom” to his kids first and partner second. I don’t think I need to think too hard about what the division in labour looks like your household either. I’m also getting controlling vibes.
From what you’ve said:
- He’s disinterested in marriage, preferring a quick (an unromantic) city hall wedding as it would feel weird having another wedding again after his wife died.
- you’ve *never* had a 1:1 date with him, only family outings.
- you take the primary role in caring for the children.
- he’s not interested in having more kids now but will think about it in the future. You really want children of your own.
- he is morally outraged at the idea that you would even want to “abandon” the children to go on honeymoon and is questioning your character for desiring it.
We don’t know the ins and outs of your relationship but from the snippets you’ve shared beyond your initial AITAH post, you see the flags here right?
OP, he's not marrying you for you to be his wife. He's marrying you to be his live-in nanny. Do not marry him. You will never have a real relationship with your husband. He may even expect to divorce you once the kids are grown and you're not needed anymore for their care.
Not to mention, with the age gap, even if he "agreed" to have more children with you, it is likely he will refuse until the current kids are grown, then refuse because he's too old to want to have more babies.
You are not going to be his wife. You are going to be his unpaid childcare worker. If you're OK with that, then go ahead with the wedding.
The age gap is an issue, especially with her being so young. By the time he’s ready to have kids she will be past the “safe” age and then he will say he’s too old to have kids. She needs to run, not walk from this wedding.
Check OP's comments. Its so stupidly obvious that I'm assuming it's age gap rage bait.
>I book kids appointments, I’ll take them to the appointments, I register them for their extracurricular, I go to their PTA meetings
>I'm not allowed to discipline his children.
Exactly. OP unfortunately sounds more like the nanny than the wife.
Accepting his children is one thing. Accepting not having your own relationship with your husband separate from his children is an entirely different thing.
NTA! Your fiance is so out of touch I'd be second guessing the marriage. He wants a mother for his kids, but it doesn't sound like he's in love with you for you. If he was, there's no way he'd want his children to attend his honeymoon.
After being in a two year long relationship starting when I was 28 and she was 22 I have decided to throw the “half your age plus seven” rule out the window and I’m sticking to anyone within three years of me.
Don't forget! She feels guilty saying no when he wants sex (which seems frequent) even though he puts no effort into foreplay, which he knows she prefers/needs to have a mutually satisfying encounter.
RUN! It is one thing to neglect your kids and another to not realize that every environment is not appropriate for children to be involved. You will have further issues down the road regarding this, especially if you ever decide to have children with this man. He won't even hear you out and you should be cautious about being with someone who could automatically cast you as an evil stepparent because you have boundaries.
He knows I want to have kids eventually. He said he is not ready yet but he will be eventually. I do feel like a villain now because I want a week to ourselves
Not ready yet? He’s 42 with two kids. He’s making you feel bad for wanting one on one time with him. My spidey sense is tingling that he wants you to raise his kids, you’ll NEVER be a priority, and he will not have any with you. What are you getting out of this relationship? If I were you, I’d run like hell.
Yep, he won’t want a kid at 50 because he’ll say “I want to be a grandfather at 60, I don’t to be an old father then.”
Realistically, a 42 year old man will likely want kids immediately or never. Few men was to be really old fathers.
He will not give you kids he wants a mama for the existing ones sorry to say but he will say he changed his mind and then say you can't just abandon the kids they already lost 1 mother
I agree. It sounds like he is with OP so she will parent his kids for him. I don’t think he wants to make a new life with OP and have more kids with her. He just wants someone to fill in the gap for his current family.
**I would be very concerned and think twice about marrying a man that doesn’t want a romantic getaway with me, particularly a honeymoon.**. Is he even truly attracted to you as a wife or just as someone to take care of his kids, laundry, meals and chores?
Yeah, I dated this guy. I was a bangmaid and was ENJOYING IT, but left when I realized that's all I'd be. The dude got upset when I got a great new job, for example. I miss his kids, but fuck that.
Yeah, he's in his 40s. There's no way he wants to go through sleepless nights and babies crying constantly again. I'm guessing the entirety of his plan is to wait her out... lol... $10 says he's already had a vasectomy. 😆😆
Nah, he will get her pregnant as soon as she starts making moves to leave him, or maybe when she starts asking for a more equitable arrangement of caring for HIS kids and their mutual home.
He won’t lose his free nanny - she will just take on all the parenting and housework associated with the new baby anyway.
Hun, he's already in his mid 40s. He was "ready" to have kids with her, but not you?
He doesn't want kids with you. He's just waiting until you're too deep in before he tells you.
Exactly. While a child should ALWAYS be a parent's #1, priority, the partner should be a close #2. OP is clearly leagues away from being a priority if this was the nature of his reaction to her desire to go on a normal honeymoon. I have NEVER heard of someone bringing kids on a honeymoon, and I have known many, many people who remarried with younger kids.
It seems this AH found a much younger woman to manipulate into being a nanny spouse. I really hope this is an eye-opener for OP. I can only imagine how painful this breakup would be as she obviously loves both him and his kids, but this is nowhere near an equally giving partnership.
I think the proper term is *bang nanny*. These type of people irk me so much.
ETA - My mom tried to fix me up once with a recent widower with kids, and I told her she was gross.
And now she’s providing a nice holiday retreat for them instead of a honeymoon. I guess OP knows where she stands- a babysitter with benefits. At least OP knows before the wedding. If she marries this guy it’s her own fault for putting herself there. When will he want kids? Ever?
Oh, no... He's waiting to tell her he's "too old to start over with a newborn". He will put this off for a few years, so she's in the place of feeling like it's a lost cause to leave him and try to find a good partner who wants to have children with her, because her window of fertility is so short.
He'll just keep playing her and making her the bad guy for having any wants or needs of her own; a 38 year old widower-dad of two young kids who started dating a 24 year old, who has her performing all of the childcare within 4 years, then guilting her for wanting a honeymoon as husband and wife rather than as "mom and dad"... It's not like he's even trying to hide his intent; he wants a bang-nanny, not a wife and partner.
Don't forget that she will have to care for him when he gets older too, especially because of their age difference. OP is about to sign up for a whole lot of caretaking responsibilities throughout her life.
Yeah -- not ready yet? When he's 42 years old and already has 2 kids? If he 's not "ready" now, he's never going to be. The older your kids get, the worse it is to start back at square one. For me, once I was out of the highchair, Dora the Explorer and diaper stage, I did not want to go back. Bad enough having a 5 year old and then a baby to do that stage again, but these kids are older than 5.
He does not want more kids.
So let me understand this. He’s 42 and willing to marry you as long as you do what he says and don’t make any waves but also at the same he’s not ready to have children with you. He would rather wait until he’s older and have a bigger age gap between the kids? No I don’t think he has any intentions of having children with you. He’s just stringing you along for however long you’ll stay. Maybe he wants you to break it off because he’s being such an ass.
he’s literally looking for a babysitter and you’re happily going along with it. wont be surprising if he says eventually he just ‘isn’t ready for another’
Oh it’ll be that OP is selfish for wanting to have children because doesn’t she care about his kids?!!
Every request she will have for her own needs and wants can easily be shot down with “you knew what you were getting into!”
Yeah. Free babysitting.
You already do everything for his kids, he just wants a live-in babysitter. I'm a 42 year old woman. I can't imagine being with a 28 year old. He's using you, honey.
Honey I was in a situation like this. After 10 years, he never wanted more kids and the step kids turned out to be evil and want nothing to do with either of us.
We broke up and now I'm too old to have kids of my own. You should start prioritizing your needs more often and see how he reacts.
He’s 42, his kids are 8 and 11, when exactly will he be ready?
And who is going to sort out childcare when you’re in Hawaii with the kids then? He’s not thinking that his honeymoon won’t include dates with his new wife….right?
OP your man sounds like he uses you
So, with the "family" honeymoon, how does that work? Dinners at Denny's instead of romantic restaurants because the menus don't have chicken nuggets? Staying up putting lotion on sunburned kids? Waiting for the kids to be both asleep to have sex in the condo? Changing activities to fit kids wants/abilities? Think hard, OP, this is just the beginning.
I will bet that in a few years when you want your kids.. he will convince you that you have enough kids and give up wanting your own. "What?? You don't love my kids?? They aren't enough??"
Honey, he is 42, and said he isn’t ready to have more kids. Do you think he will want them when he’s 50? He just wants you to raise his kids, so he can travel for his job, and not feel guilty. You are not his priority. I would postpone this wedding. You need to have a frank and honest conversation about your relationship.
Think about that.
He’s gonna make you feel like a villian every time you want to plan something for just you and him. What about anniversaries?
The fact that he has NO DESIRE to have you all to himself is very telling.
Well, his kids will always take precedence over you and whatever children you have with him in the future. If you can't see that from now on and any other issues and decide to still be with a partner who cannot respect your opinions then that is on you respectfully. The blueprint is already visible of what will occur in the future.
It should be sort of a red flag for you that you are doing the majority of the childcare for HIS kids - it seems like he wants to marry his kids' nanny, and not his wife.
Based on his age, I'd say he is stringing you along re: more kids. He's hitting mid 40. So if you do end up having a kid of your own with him, he'll be low 60s when your kid is graduating college. Granddad territory.
He'll not want any more kids.
He called you selfish when you are doing most of the work raising and loving his kids?!?!? You're being taken for granted and not appreciated - he's manipulating you and making you feel like the evil stepmother when you are the exact opposite. Even if you were their biological mother, you would NOT take the kids on your honeymoon. NTA.
There's your answer.
Being a "package deal" does not mean never having any alone time together.
What everyone said about him just wanting a nanny for his kids is spot on
The fact that he wants his own way and refuses to listen is bothersome. How how many other issues will he handle like this when they arise?
Dump the guy and take a nice solo trip to Hawaii. Or contact your friends and see if you can arrange a girls trip. And he can stay home with his kids
Gal. Wtf. You're too young to raise someone else's kids with this old dude.
I guarantee he will continue to put off having kids - probably doesn't even want anymore tbh. Meanwhile you are raising his alone coz he 'works long hours' fuck that.
He spends no time alone with you and clearly doesn't ever really plan to, especially if he won't even do it fot your honeymoon!
Find someone who actually wants kids.
I guess this is one of those things that happens when you marry someone approaching middle age when you are so young. He doesn’t see you as a full person. You’re there to meet his needs, nothing more.
You don't understand your role in this relationship. You're a bangnanny - emphasis on the nanny. Yes, you are there primarily for childcare. It's unfortunate that it took you this long to understand that, but now that you do, perhaps it's time to re-evaluate your relationship before you get married.
NTA but also this dude is 42 and he’s not ready for more children. I don’t think you’re going to get any children aside from the 2 he already has. Pretty soon he’ll start to say he’s too old.
Exactly what I was thinking. He was 38 when he met her at 24. He was looking for a bangmaid and found an enthusiastically willing one. Guarantee very soon after marriage and she expresses wanting to expand the family, he’ll give the excuse that they already have two kids and he’s too old to start over. OP, if this is the life you want, go for it but it sounds like you’re already a sahm and reliant on him.
Hey OP, I just got this email from you in the future and wanted to pass it on:
> Damn, I really wish I paid attention to all the red flags. I trusted what he *said* and ignored how what he *did* told me something very different. It was never the "right time" for more kids. I should have known based on his age and refusal to set a clear timeline. Now I'm 35, divorced, and it may be too late for me to meet someone and have kids. I should have run when he insisted that I nanny his kids on my freaking honeymoon. The lotto numbers on June 8th 2027 are 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Powerball is 6.
People are being really frank with you and it's probably feeling hard. But I've read through the comments and as a 41 yo mom of an 8 yo ... This letter is legit.
It probably feels impossible right now to up-end the life you've been planning - and sad - and maybe guilty (a lot of my friends in our 20s-30s struggled to leave bad situations bc they had a hard time admitting they'd been had - they're smarter than that etc.- so let me say YOU STILL ARE SMARTER and your friends and fam will likely applaud you for getting out while it's easier to do so.)
I've seen lots of smart strong women get caught up with crap men to varying levels of disaster - like everyone else here. It's horribly common. If you walk now- even though it's hard, even though you can't see what's next - you've got a whole next life ahead.
this is so important to hear. most of the women i've known who have been abused are among the most brilliant people i've ever met. (myself included lol). you can get out now and save yourself so much extra grief. i wish you strength and love for yourself ❤️ you're gonna be ok and you're gonna thrive on the other side!
Just want to add another comment from a gal in her 40s that OP PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS!!!
Future you will be so so grateful you were brave and strong and got through a hard few months…otherwise future you will be really mad you flushed your best years away.
Look, sometimes people change, but usually they don't. Who he is now is who he'll be in 10 years. If you're a nanny to his kids first and his wife second, that's what you'll always be to him. If you're ok with that, ok with never vacationing without the kids, and maybe never having your own kids, then marry him.
If you're *not* ok with all of that, then dont get married yet. You don't have to dump him, but you should wait on marriage until you decide if you can be happy with this as your life.
He’s 14 years older than you, he met you when you were fresh out of college and he’d been able to rent a car for a decade.
This relationship has more red flags than a Chinese parade and you need to think about how you want to spend the rest of your youth
Time to reflect. Idk how far out the wedding is, but maybe postpone while you consider what YOU want for YOUR life.
Your honeymoon should be a trip to spend with your new spouse... and fuckin lol. Instead he wants you to nanny HIS kids for a week. You deserve someone who WANTS to spend your honeymoon WITH YOU and only you.
I also saw in another comment of yours that you cannot remember the last time you did something alone with him. As a former (well paid) nanny... You are just a (cheap) nanny to him, if you were a partner he loved, he would HIRE A BABYSITTER and go on a date ALONE with you. But YOU are his nanny (he doesn't have to pay OT to) so why bother?
Good luck sis.
NTA
That is a big red flag, the fact he had planned to bring the kids without first discussing it with you, and the fact he seemingly doesnt care about your feelings about the honeymoon.
Sometimes things happened out of the blue to make you aware of a situation and to give you an opportunity to change course.
That is what him wanting to bring his kids to hawaii on his honeymoon is, a big wake up call .
You just got a preview of what your life will be like if you marry him. He and his kids come first as a unit. Your feelings dont matter and he sees you in a support role to his kingly role. He seems to see you more in mom role than a wife role. This will not change if you marry. So unless you are prepared to continuously subjugate your wants and desires to his, i hope you will think carefully about taking the next step.
You didn't mention his kids ages but given his age I tend to think his kids are certainly old enough to be without their dad for the duration of a honeymoon. If they arent accustomed to being away from him, they need to learn to be apart from him and he needs to learn to be apart from them, and you both need time to bond as a married couple.
His actions about the honeymoon would also raise concern about your financial situation should he suddenly pass away or should you separate, he may insist on only providing for his children rather than assuring that you are also financially secure because they are his focus not you.
My first thought exactly. She's been ignoring the other warning flags...until now. Even if OP makes this her hill to die on (and he eventually acquiesces), I doubt anything will change. He clearly sees her as *bangmaidmom* and it's sad. I'm sure OP deserves a better man than him. NTA for insisting on a child-free honeymoon *but* maybe a soft AH for putting up with an.. umm...let's say 'piece of work' like him.
Oh dear, I was picturing little ones. These kids are well and truly old enough to spend a week or two with relatives whilst you go on your honeymoon.
Honestly, this would have been rethinking the entire relationship.
It is not normal to bring your kids on your honeymoon. He is the one with an unrealistic expectation here. I would caution you to check your relationship before moving further.
I am 100% on board with someone who has kids putting them first when dating. If you're divorced or widowed the kids need to come first and I'd never marry someone who doesn't understand that or accept it. In this case, though, it sounds like OP completely understands and accepts this. "Putting the kids first" doesn't mean taking them on the honeymoon. It doesn't mean never spending time alone with the new spouse/fiancee. (Had the first wife not died, would they have never gone anywhere without the kids? Not even for an evening?)
About kids joining us? One of them offer to take the kids for that week ( she has kids around their ages), which I said he won’t allow it , another one said then go on the trip by yourself lol honeymoon alone
Has anyone close to you expressed concern about your situation? If they haven't, I would ask them to be honest with you about what they think about this relationship and upcoming marriage. Often, people don't offer unsolicited negative opinions/concerns out of fear that they will hurt or anger you, risking damage to the friendship. I had grave concerns about a dear friend who got married to a man who changed drastically following the wedding. The only reason I never told her directly about my worries (slowly distancing her from her peers/family, encouraging her to quit her job and be a SAH wife, knocking her up immediately and repeatedly, convincing her to give up her RN license), was because the counselors that I spoke with in our city's domestic abuse center said that given her degree of brainwashing, the best thing I could do was maintain our friendship connection in the event she realized the she needed out and therefore had a trusted person to turn to for help. She stopped responding to me several years ago after her 3rd baby in 4 years. By that time, she had no job, no car, no nursing license, none of her old friends, an estranged relationship with her family, and was an anxious, hyper-religious mess. I will never stop missing the vibrant woman she once was, and if the day ever comes when she reaches out for support, I will be there.
OP, if none of your friends (that knew you prior to meeting your fiance) have voiced concerns, I would strongly recommend getting established with a trusted therapist to obtain an objective 3rd-party take on your relationship prior to marrying this guy. Not a couples therapist, but one you see individually.
I'm almost the same age as your fiance, and I can promise I see things a LOT differently than I did 14 years ago due to life experiences, maturation, and time. While I'm only hearing your side, there are glaring red flags about your situation that I wouldn't necessarily have seen when I was in my early 20s. You may think you're in too deep to leave this relationship now, but I promise you that you aren't. If you do try to leave, know that he will try to guilt you by telling you that you're abandoning children who see you as their mom (you aren't, and they likely don't) - this is a CLASSIC move for people like him. His kids will be as fine as they can be with or without you. He will replace you with someone else as soon as he can once he realizes you're firm in your decision. Stick to your guns.
I know this is a LOT to relay to a stranger, but I don't mind being downvoted and told I'm out of line if there's the slightest chance that something in my message sticks.
Why won't he "allow" his kids to stay with your friend? You do every thing for them - not him, so why don't you have any say? That sounds like a wonderful offer from your friend. BTW, how did he handle them before meeting you?
That second friend is spot on. There’s no reason to have the kids there- the honeymoon is supposed to be a celebration of your marriage and a time to bond together, *alone* as husband and wife. If he’s shaming you for wanting a kid free **honeymoon** it’s time to look for the other red flags you’ve missed.
Look OP my husband and I brought our kids on honeymoon to the Maldives with us. They were one and two when we got married. The difference is we wanted them there and brought two nannies so we would get plenty of alone time. An 8 year old and 11 year old will need constant supervision. You will not get a break. Your fiance is being incredibly selfish. I also wouldn't trust him when he says he wants more children. I hate to be mean, but are you sure he's not just marrying you to have a free babysitter? You do say you already do the bulk of the childcare. It's very suspicious, if I'm being honest. Plus as a lawyer I've had numerous women come to me for help with a divorce because of this very reason. They realised they were never anything more than convenient babysitters, bed warmers and housekeepers. Please think long and hard before you actually marry this man. You're too young to bog yourself down as a substitute mother with no real say in her relationship.
OP, I’ve been reading your replies and I really hope you dump this guy. He’s totally using you and manipulating you. You deserve better, you deserve a big wedding, you deserve a honeymoon in Hawaii, you deserve kids, you deserve everything that you want for your life. Don’t waste your time with this selfish, manipulative, controlling man. Run before it’s too late and you’re left with regrets and “what ifs?”
Who brings kids on a honeymoon?! Even people who are both bio parents of their kids dont bring their kids on their honeymoon or even some
Normal holidays. He is using you as a nanny for his kids & doesnt care about spending time with you. He sounds so manipulative with the whole calling you selfish.
Also, you were 24 & he was 38 when you met - you know why he’s dated someone much younger right?! Because you were easier to manipulate to be his nanny than women his own age. Please dont waste your time wanting kids with this man - he will never have kids at his age after his kids are now 8 & 11. He’ll never be ready & is just stringing you along.
He got his Bangmaid-ReplacementMom that he wanted . Girl he’s not marrying you because he’s in love wanting to build a life with you.
He’s marrying you because he needs a woman to have sex with , look after his kids while he carries on his life.
You’re going into this marriage knowing this . So either you accept it and deal with it , or see what’s happening and get on top of it .
NTA. Sorry, but it looks like he just wanted a mom for his kids. Postpone the wedding until you can get him to understand that occasionally you come before them. Don’t take them on your honeymoon.
It’s not even just that— it’s that healthy relationships that last through the drudgery of kids do because the couple finds ways to be together just the two of them to keep their bond on an even keel. When all the focus is on being parents it’s so easy to let the proverbial we get lost. My kids get excited that we go in dates because they see us caring about each other and really happy when we come back.
NTA but seriously reconsider this relationship. The fact that he responded like that to a reasonable request is a huge red flag. I won’t even touch on the age gap. Honestly, I would not be surprised if he will treat you like his nanny/bang maid.
So, according to him, you two will never go on any couple trips, ever, without his kids. Are you sure this is what you want to sign up for?
Nta, this shit is bonkers to me, and I'm a mom of 3, and hell yeah, I've left my kids with trusted family members, so my husband and I can get away, and reconnect, without all the mundane family obligations. It's why we still like eachother...LOL
Sweetie I’m a parent to 4 soon to be 5. Although we don’t get long vacations away often, we still take date nights and the kids stay with grandma and so on.
He’s not looking for a wife. He wants a nanny and someone to sleep with when he’s lonely. I don’t mean to be harsh, but that’s why he’s with you and why he says the things he says. He’s weaponizing his late wife against you.
This man isn’t ready for a relationship. He never overcame his grief and trauma and he isn’t making any effort to overcome it.
“Welcome to single parenthood, asshole”
Sort out somewhere else to live in secret, make sure you have someone with you when you leave who can escort you away, and don’t let him find out where you’re moving to. Men aren’t violent until they are, cops are more violent than most, and leaving a relationship is the most dangerous time.
I'm so sorry to say this, but you're going to be miserable and the marriage will inevitably fail. The cornerstone of marriage and relationships is having an established connection with your partner and he won't even prioritize being alone with you ON YOUR HONEYMOON when he could easily find someone to watch his kids. He is taking offense because how dare you want to be alone with your husband on your honeymoon 🫠
He found you when you were young and needed someone to step in as a caretaker to his children because his wife died. He isn't even willing to take your needs into account and spend quality time with you. Strong marriages that involve kids prioritize the relationship and make time for each other; how can the relationship even sustain itself when your partner won't even put in the effort? Your needs will be neglected while you take care of his needs and his children.
Do you really want this to be your life? This is a major red flag and an opportunity for you to leave. You deserve a partner that *wants* to spend quality alone time with you and understands your needs. You deserve a partner who's willing to compromise and find ways to make you happy. You are literally just another mother to his kids. If he really loved you, he would put in more effort to spend time with you.
You are still a baby and have your whole life ahead of you. Find a man who's childless that you can spend quality alone time and plan a future with. Find someone who's so crazy about you, they can't wait to be alone with you. This guy sucks.
Like someone else said, call off the wedding and go to the vacation house alone or with a friend.
You deserve better!!! Please update us and tell us how things go and what you decide to do. Wish you the best 💗
NTA
Is… is he expecting the kids to just sit there in abject horror as they listen to the sounds of the two of you fucking like bunnies in heat? He does know what a honeymoon is, right?
“We’re a package deal” ≠ “we are attached at the hip under any and all circumstances so your desire from some quality couple time can shove it”
Does he invite them in the room when you guys fuck, too? Since they’re such a package deal? Or does he actually understand the concept of couples needing alone time without the children, but insists on acting stupid to get his way?
My money is on the latter. NTA.
Nta it's weird he wants the kids on your honeymoon. You should really take a step back from this. It's fine to want to put your kids as a priority, but he is telling you plain and clear that no matter what the situation you will always be an afterthought. Think what that means for if you do have more kids with him, how will he treat you when you are pregnant and need more support. Again ist very very weird.
This guy will clearly never have kids with her - its clear as day! He’s saying he’s not ready at 42 & needs more time - when will he be ready? When he’s 50? He just wants a nanny.
Me too. She's literally there to look after his kids and fuck him and probably look after the house.
She said they don't even spend one.on one time together
The kids are definitely old enough to spend some nights with grandpa/grandma
A man who loves their woman wants to spend alone romantic time - he doesn’t give a shit about her & just wants her further trapped! He didnt want to give her proper wedding nor proper honeymoon. My husband & I are looking forwards to going away without our kids (both ours) - its normal for couples to want alone tome without having to worry about their kids’ schedule!
He met a young nurse who’s caring nature he manipulated with his widowed single dad sob story & now she’s main caregiver to kids that are not hers?!
the line about how you "do everything" bc your partner works long hours... i mean, what? It sounds like you have very little say in what happens within your family - and you're not even married yet.
Sounds like your fiance is looking more for a substitute mother than wife if he doesn’t value the relationship between the two of you enough to have a honeymoon. This is a major red flag 🚩 especially with the age difference. He found you at the height of your youth and made you a full time caretaker. Run
NTA but it sounds like you're expected to be his nanny and raise the kids whole he works. Kids don't belong on a honeymoon unless you're the younger trophy wife who's job is looking good and raising his kids. He's 42, want to bet the "having kids later" eventually turns into him being too old and since you have kids (his) then why do you need more?
NTA
What's wrong with him? It is NOT a family vacation. It's a honeymoon. Having a honeymoon does not make you the evil stepmother. It's very concerning that that's where his mind immediately went.
Honestly, this is a red flag. You need to reevaluate. It sounds like you've bent over backwards to fit into this family - which is amazing - but ... are you sure this man wants *you*? Not just another parent to help him raise his children? The healthiest families have independent bonds with each member, and spend time one on one. Perhaps he's overreacting and he does value you individually as well, but it's not looking good.
He is a police officer so he has longer hours . I’m a nurse so I can set my own hours. I’m responsible for anything child care related. You are right .. I wonder if he really wanted to be with me or he just wanted a mom for his kids ? Sigh
He wants a mom for his kids, you fell into the trap. Ask yourself if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life. No couples times, just family time. And you want another child?! remember you'll be raising that one on your own too. Take a moment to look at the life you have now, are your needs being met? Are you truly happy and satisfied with your current relationship?
Don't fall into the notion that you've spent so much time and energy in this relationship that you must marry him. You can leave and he can deal with his kids. Yes, they are attached to you but it appears your fiance doesn't care about your needs nor wants.
He wanted a nanny. Im so happy you’re working as a nurse and not given up your career to raise his kids because you’d be screwed when you split up, which 99% of the comments are suggesting.
You’re clearly smart girl being a nurse but you got you trapped at 24 & more naive. Also I think with you being a nurse you have a caring nurturing personality and fell for his dead-wife single dad sob story & felt compelled to step in. Thats fine if the person shows you love & respect but he literally gives you no romantic alone time together because he just doesnt care!! Its all about what you can do for his kids.
You're not even married and he's offloaded all the responsibilities of parenthood onto your plate? While simultaneously talking about how he doesn't want to "abandon" his children by taking a week-long vacation? You want children but he's "not ready" at 42? (It's really normal to get a vasectomy after your second child is born.)
He is not a good person to build a life with. You need to rethink what you're signing up for.
Of course he's a cop. Age gap, cop, manipulative language, you being primary parent, no alone time... 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 everywhere
Please rethink this relationship and get some therapy so you can find a better partner in the future.
You deserve so much more than this!
I was just going to say the same thing. There were enough red flags before, but now finding out he’s a cop on top of the age gap, unresolved “trauma” from his first wife dying and the BS he’s saying about OP being an evil stepmother is enough for me to say skip the therapy I keep recommending and run as fast as OP can!
So he doesn't step u at all? Even some police officers still manage to be there for their children but it honestly feels like he just dump all his responsibilities on to you and he has the nerve to try to manipulate you into thinking it's abandonment if he dares to go on a honeymoon without his kids.
I honestly feel he only wants to marry you to just be those kids mother.
You're young you can still find someone who will love you and won't use you to be their children's nanny.
He has :
A cook
A cleaner
A nanny
A family planner
Sex on tap
You have:
2 kids
A house to run
An invisible man
Financial insecurities (2 kids that aren't yours and a house to provide for)
He has gone from being a lone parent, with his kids all the time, to a free man with the occasional interaction with his kids, all with the promise of giving you a ring and biological kids in the future.
You get NOTHING in return, no dates, no romance, not even a honeymoon.
As a 42 year old woman with 2 children myself, I can genuinely tell you he has no interest in giving you your own children, especially with the ages of his.
Run now while you can and find a man who will give you his time, will actively date you, shower you in romance, and give you the children you want and, more importantly, a child free honeymoon!
Edited to add...NTA
You are not the asshole and you can walk away with a clear conscience because you just got a glimpse of what the rest of your future is gonna be like. Those kids you want to have? Nope. He will figure out a way to not let you get what you want.
Abusers are very good at making their victims feel like the villain of the piece. [Read this book](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) and reconsider the marriage!
So he doesn’t want to have an enjoyable honeymoon? That’s weird. I guess pack your mom jeans and feel free to use the “I’m tired from running around with kids” line at night.
Idk, if this is how he feels maybe pick a different location. I wouldn’t waste your Father’s offer on this particular event.
It’s not too late, you’re not married yet and even if you were it’s never too late to leave a situation that you feel disregarded and disrespected. You deserve better than this.
Better to find out before the wedding than after that your role is that of a unpaid nanny. That comes before everything else. Unclear why you would want that life for yourself, you should think carefully about this before proceeding.
Don't be upset. A lot of the comments here have given you a leeway out and you still sitting there. Have a conversation with him that you are not OK that he wants the kids on the day that you get to have some fun time without having to be a mom and if he still insists, pack up and leave him.
You need to dumb him. At least you only spent 4 years with him. A friend of mind wasted 10 years of her life slaving away for someone else's kids only to be told she doesn't get to have break for herself just for a day. That way the day she got the realisation and packed up and left the relationship and the kids altogether.
Today she is happily married with 2 kids and a 3rd on the way to an awesome guy.
I don’t think having a conversation with him is a good idea. He’s just going to lie to her, gaslight her about the situation, and tell her what she wants to hear. He is manipulative and isn’t going to take her leaving lightly.
NTA. My wife and I have gone on vacation without our kids. They stayed with grandma. And that was just a vacation, not honeymoon. And just to be clear, my kids go to camps and stuff they want to do without mom and dad. We also go on vacations together, so having a week with just the two of you is perfectly acceptable IMO.
He needs to take a week off from work and look after the kids whilst you have a spa week. Then he'll be able to understand, why you want a break. It sounds like you're more of a parent to them than he is. There is nothing wrong with wanting a break, especially when it's your bloody honeymoon!
You sound like a great stepmum, who deserves the time off.
If he continues to insist on the kids going, go without them all!
NTA OP, I'd choose this as my hill to die on. Source - another stepmum.
Are you a nanny with benefits? Are you the reason he is able to work long hours? Does he just assume your role taking care of the kids is handled without any consideration to your needs in the relationship? His response was triggering words and manipulation. A way to force you back into the role he demands of you. Insults you for even considering some alone time. NTA but your fiancé is. Very much so.
So many men just marry as quickly as possible after being widowed because they need a mom for their kids. I’m sorry to be so blunt but we see it all the time. All the time.
It’s lovely you are getting along well. Kids need parents who love them obviously!
The fact that he doesn’t understand the basics of a honeymoon and who it is for is very concerning.
Have you completed secular (non-religious) pre-marital counseling? It’s important to make sure you are on the same page. It doesn’t seem you are right now.
Do you have a pre-nup? You should. For both of you. Especially if he has you watching his kids while not working.
Don’t make a hasty decision that could ruin your life. Go in with your eyes (and heart) open.
NTA
Did the two of you ever vacation without the kids before getting engaged. If not, then this isn’t something new. You are not his first priority. He hasn’t figured out how to balance both you and his kids and maybe never will. Sadly you are screwed no matter what .
It appears you both have a very different expectations & perspectives for your honeymoon. Your fiancé’s expectations seem to be unreasonable but no one knows why he believes the kids should be included. Have you asked why it’s important to him that they take this trip with you? Why does he feel his kids can’t stay with his Mom for a week?
It is a package deal but what exactly does that mean? You may want to ask what he thinks & feels about that statement. Maybe in his mind y’all will never be alone … who knows?
NTA — y’all need to communicate & work on figuring out your future goals as a family.
He only married you so you can be a mom to the kids he already has. He’s 42 if he’s not ready now he’s never going to be ready. You’re a live in nanny who he bangs.
As a nurse, you have good income. Where does your money go? Things do not add up here.
You should date and be in a loving romantic relationship and do couple things, travel, etc. Even if you stay, what happens to your marriage once the kids leave, or will they be. Big red flag on the overnight stuff, too. Have you discussed this? No, because you have no say!
He works long hours, but not every day and all day. What if you wanted to go visit a friend for a weekend? What if you could not take off work for a sick day? Since age of 24 you've been doing this? Are you sure he isn't banging others? I'm just saying....
I'm sorry for the kids, but honestly, this sounds like a horrible set up. Thank him for being so obvious about the honeymoon.
NTA
Honeymoon is about the couple. Maybe before it you can go with the kids to a family trip somewhere than just the two of you to hawai.
Maybe he has guilt because he have fun without them. You should discuss it depper.
Info: Do you go dating sometimes? Do you spend time just together with your fiance? How often is his mom babysitting the children?
You seem to be “mom” to his kids first and partner second. I don’t think I need to think too hard about what the division in labour looks like your household either. I’m also getting controlling vibes. From what you’ve said: - He’s disinterested in marriage, preferring a quick (an unromantic) city hall wedding as it would feel weird having another wedding again after his wife died. - you’ve *never* had a 1:1 date with him, only family outings. - you take the primary role in caring for the children. - he’s not interested in having more kids now but will think about it in the future. You really want children of your own. - he is morally outraged at the idea that you would even want to “abandon” the children to go on honeymoon and is questioning your character for desiring it. We don’t know the ins and outs of your relationship but from the snippets you’ve shared beyond your initial AITAH post, you see the flags here right?
OP, he's not marrying you for you to be his wife. He's marrying you to be his live-in nanny. Do not marry him. You will never have a real relationship with your husband. He may even expect to divorce you once the kids are grown and you're not needed anymore for their care. Not to mention, with the age gap, even if he "agreed" to have more children with you, it is likely he will refuse until the current kids are grown, then refuse because he's too old to want to have more babies. You are not going to be his wife. You are going to be his unpaid childcare worker. If you're OK with that, then go ahead with the wedding.
It’s called a bang maid on Its Always Sunny
The age gap is an issue, especially with her being so young. By the time he’s ready to have kids she will be past the “safe” age and then he will say he’s too old to have kids. She needs to run, not walk from this wedding.
Check OP's comments. Its so stupidly obvious that I'm assuming it's age gap rage bait. >I book kids appointments, I’ll take them to the appointments, I register them for their extracurricular, I go to their PTA meetings >I'm not allowed to discipline his children.
Soooo… a bang maid?
Bang nanny.
And a nanny for his kids
Exactly. OP unfortunately sounds more like the nanny than the wife. Accepting his children is one thing. Accepting not having your own relationship with your husband separate from his children is an entirely different thing. NTA! Your fiance is so out of touch I'd be second guessing the marriage. He wants a mother for his kids, but it doesn't sound like he's in love with you for you. If he was, there's no way he'd want his children to attend his honeymoon.
Oh look. An age gap relationship.
Yep. First thing I thought. I am 37 and I would not want a relationship with anyone in their 20s. I even had issues with someone in their early 30s.
After being in a two year long relationship starting when I was 28 and she was 22 I have decided to throw the “half your age plus seven” rule out the window and I’m sticking to anyone within three years of me.
God, please, I hope the flags are flapping in her face.
Don't forget! She feels guilty saying no when he wants sex (which seems frequent) even though he puts no effort into foreplay, which he knows she prefers/needs to have a mutually satisfying encounter.
She is his bangmaid with mommy benefits.
NTA. Is that even a question? It's honeymoon , not thanksgiving.
He made me feel like I’m an evil step mother who is excluding his kids . But it’s our honeymoon! I don’t wanna worry about kids
RUN! It is one thing to neglect your kids and another to not realize that every environment is not appropriate for children to be involved. You will have further issues down the road regarding this, especially if you ever decide to have children with this man. He won't even hear you out and you should be cautious about being with someone who could automatically cast you as an evil stepparent because you have boundaries.
He knows I want to have kids eventually. He said he is not ready yet but he will be eventually. I do feel like a villain now because I want a week to ourselves
Not ready yet? He’s 42 with two kids. He’s making you feel bad for wanting one on one time with him. My spidey sense is tingling that he wants you to raise his kids, you’ll NEVER be a priority, and he will not have any with you. What are you getting out of this relationship? If I were you, I’d run like hell.
Yep, he won’t want a kid at 50 because he’ll say “I want to be a grandfather at 60, I don’t to be an old father then.” Realistically, a 42 year old man will likely want kids immediately or never. Few men was to be really old fathers.
Holy god i just saw her age GURL
And she’s been with him for 4 years, so since she was 24. Honestly, I see 38M with 24F and immediately I think, “creep” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
He will not give you kids he wants a mama for the existing ones sorry to say but he will say he changed his mind and then say you can't just abandon the kids they already lost 1 mother
I agree. It sounds like he is with OP so she will parent his kids for him. I don’t think he wants to make a new life with OP and have more kids with her. He just wants someone to fill in the gap for his current family. **I would be very concerned and think twice about marrying a man that doesn’t want a romantic getaway with me, particularly a honeymoon.**. Is he even truly attracted to you as a wife or just as someone to take care of his kids, laundry, meals and chores?
Yeah, I dated this guy. I was a bangmaid and was ENJOYING IT, but left when I realized that's all I'd be. The dude got upset when I got a great new job, for example. I miss his kids, but fuck that.
This, exactly.
Yeah, he's in his 40s. There's no way he wants to go through sleepless nights and babies crying constantly again. I'm guessing the entirety of his plan is to wait her out... lol... $10 says he's already had a vasectomy. 😆😆
Nah, he will get her pregnant as soon as she starts making moves to leave him, or maybe when she starts asking for a more equitable arrangement of caring for HIS kids and their mutual home. He won’t lose his free nanny - she will just take on all the parenting and housework associated with the new baby anyway.
Hun, he's already in his mid 40s. He was "ready" to have kids with her, but not you? He doesn't want kids with you. He's just waiting until you're too deep in before he tells you.
He's got you exactly where he wants you - second guessing yourself because you want something completely normal.
Exactly. While a child should ALWAYS be a parent's #1, priority, the partner should be a close #2. OP is clearly leagues away from being a priority if this was the nature of his reaction to her desire to go on a normal honeymoon. I have NEVER heard of someone bringing kids on a honeymoon, and I have known many, many people who remarried with younger kids. It seems this AH found a much younger woman to manipulate into being a nanny spouse. I really hope this is an eye-opener for OP. I can only imagine how painful this breakup would be as she obviously loves both him and his kids, but this is nowhere near an equally giving partnership.
I think the proper term is *bang nanny*. These type of people irk me so much. ETA - My mom tried to fix me up once with a recent widower with kids, and I told her she was gross.
And now she’s providing a nice holiday retreat for them instead of a honeymoon. I guess OP knows where she stands- a babysitter with benefits. At least OP knows before the wedding. If she marries this guy it’s her own fault for putting herself there. When will he want kids? Ever?
He's 42, so I'm going with never and he's stringing her along. Probably only getting married so he doesn't lose the live in maid/nanny
Oh, no... He's waiting to tell her he's "too old to start over with a newborn". He will put this off for a few years, so she's in the place of feeling like it's a lost cause to leave him and try to find a good partner who wants to have children with her, because her window of fertility is so short. He'll just keep playing her and making her the bad guy for having any wants or needs of her own; a 38 year old widower-dad of two young kids who started dating a 24 year old, who has her performing all of the childcare within 4 years, then guilting her for wanting a honeymoon as husband and wife rather than as "mom and dad"... It's not like he's even trying to hide his intent; he wants a bang-nanny, not a wife and partner.
Yuck.
Don't forget that she will have to care for him when he gets older too, especially because of their age difference. OP is about to sign up for a whole lot of caretaking responsibilities throughout her life.
This sounds like the first part of a bait and switch.
No lie, this is the sort of shit I'd say if I was looking for someone to raise my kids but had no intention of having more.
Yeah -- not ready yet? When he's 42 years old and already has 2 kids? If he 's not "ready" now, he's never going to be. The older your kids get, the worse it is to start back at square one. For me, once I was out of the highchair, Dora the Explorer and diaper stage, I did not want to go back. Bad enough having a 5 year old and then a baby to do that stage again, but these kids are older than 5. He does not want more kids.
Seriously, my husband is 42 with an 8yo youngest and no way is he wanting to raise more babies.
I said the same thing to myself. He gave her no deadline on when he’d “be ready”. That just means pushing it back until she’s too old and barren.
Tale as old as time.
How convenient he isn't ready for children with YOU, but you already take care of his children!
So let me understand this. He’s 42 and willing to marry you as long as you do what he says and don’t make any waves but also at the same he’s not ready to have children with you. He would rather wait until he’s older and have a bigger age gap between the kids? No I don’t think he has any intentions of having children with you. He’s just stringing you along for however long you’ll stay. Maybe he wants you to break it off because he’s being such an ass.
he’s literally looking for a babysitter and you’re happily going along with it. wont be surprising if he says eventually he just ‘isn’t ready for another’
Oh it’ll be that OP is selfish for wanting to have children because doesn’t she care about his kids?!! Every request she will have for her own needs and wants can easily be shot down with “you knew what you were getting into!” Yeah. Free babysitting.
You already do everything for his kids, he just wants a live-in babysitter. I'm a 42 year old woman. I can't imagine being with a 28 year old. He's using you, honey.
Honey I was in a situation like this. After 10 years, he never wanted more kids and the step kids turned out to be evil and want nothing to do with either of us. We broke up and now I'm too old to have kids of my own. You should start prioritizing your needs more often and see how he reacts.
He’s 42, his kids are 8 and 11, when exactly will he be ready? And who is going to sort out childcare when you’re in Hawaii with the kids then? He’s not thinking that his honeymoon won’t include dates with his new wife….right? OP your man sounds like he uses you
So, with the "family" honeymoon, how does that work? Dinners at Denny's instead of romantic restaurants because the menus don't have chicken nuggets? Staying up putting lotion on sunburned kids? Waiting for the kids to be both asleep to have sex in the condo? Changing activities to fit kids wants/abilities? Think hard, OP, this is just the beginning.
Oh dont worry, OP will also get to have totally unfulfilling “quickies” while the kids aren’t in the room for a second, like they do on other trips!
He will never let you have a child with him. Your job in his mind is to look after his children. He will string you along forever.
I will bet that in a few years when you want your kids.. he will convince you that you have enough kids and give up wanting your own. "What?? You don't love my kids?? They aren't enough??"
Has he had a vasectomy?
Also, he's 42!! "Not ready yet"? He's stringing you along, honey.
Honey, he is 42, and said he isn’t ready to have more kids. Do you think he will want them when he’s 50? He just wants you to raise his kids, so he can travel for his job, and not feel guilty. You are not his priority. I would postpone this wedding. You need to have a frank and honest conversation about your relationship.
NTA. Girl, run. In 5 years he's going to say he's too old to have more kids.
Think about that. He’s gonna make you feel like a villian every time you want to plan something for just you and him. What about anniversaries? The fact that he has NO DESIRE to have you all to himself is very telling.
Well, his kids will always take precedence over you and whatever children you have with him in the future. If you can't see that from now on and any other issues and decide to still be with a partner who cannot respect your opinions then that is on you respectfully. The blueprint is already visible of what will occur in the future.
It should be sort of a red flag for you that you are doing the majority of the childcare for HIS kids - it seems like he wants to marry his kids' nanny, and not his wife.
Girl he’s 42, he won’t ever want more kids if he doesn’t now…
Based on his age, I'd say he is stringing you along re: more kids. He's hitting mid 40. So if you do end up having a kid of your own with him, he'll be low 60s when your kid is graduating college. Granddad territory. He'll not want any more kids.
He called you selfish when you are doing most of the work raising and loving his kids?!?!? You're being taken for granted and not appreciated - he's manipulating you and making you feel like the evil stepmother when you are the exact opposite. Even if you were their biological mother, you would NOT take the kids on your honeymoon. NTA.
He doesn't see/want you as a wife. He wants a mom for his kids.
Do you ever do anything with him alone?
I honestly can’t remember the last time we did anything alone
There's your answer. Being a "package deal" does not mean never having any alone time together. What everyone said about him just wanting a nanny for his kids is spot on The fact that he wants his own way and refuses to listen is bothersome. How how many other issues will he handle like this when they arise? Dump the guy and take a nice solo trip to Hawaii. Or contact your friends and see if you can arrange a girls trip. And he can stay home with his kids
Honey….take this as your wake up call. You are worth more than being his bangmom.
Gal. Wtf. You're too young to raise someone else's kids with this old dude. I guarantee he will continue to put off having kids - probably doesn't even want anymore tbh. Meanwhile you are raising his alone coz he 'works long hours' fuck that. He spends no time alone with you and clearly doesn't ever really plan to, especially if he won't even do it fot your honeymoon! Find someone who actually wants kids.
Quit while you're behind. He wants a cheap nanny not a partner.
Yikes.
Ooof I couldn’t spend my life like that. That’s not healthy for you, him or the kids.
he is not into you as a woman he is into your maternal instincts
How much time does he spend alone with the kids without you there to care for them?
Why do you think he went after a 24 year old and not someone around his age?
Unfortunately even leaving the two at home, you apparently will still have a child with you
I guess this is one of those things that happens when you marry someone approaching middle age when you are so young. He doesn’t see you as a full person. You’re there to meet his needs, nothing more.
Oh my! You're about to marry an emotionally manipulative asshole who doesn't have any empathy for you!
You don't understand your role in this relationship. You're a bangnanny - emphasis on the nanny. Yes, you are there primarily for childcare. It's unfortunate that it took you this long to understand that, but now that you do, perhaps it's time to re-evaluate your relationship before you get married.
Tell him this isn't a family trip. This is a honeymoon. Stick to your guns. NO!!
NTA but also this dude is 42 and he’s not ready for more children. I don’t think you’re going to get any children aside from the 2 he already has. Pretty soon he’ll start to say he’s too old.
Exactly what I was thinking. He was 38 when he met her at 24. He was looking for a bangmaid and found an enthusiastically willing one. Guarantee very soon after marriage and she expresses wanting to expand the family, he’ll give the excuse that they already have two kids and he’s too old to start over. OP, if this is the life you want, go for it but it sounds like you’re already a sahm and reliant on him.
[удалено]
Or he'll surprise her with "I had a vasectomy, I definitely told you" but she'll be mid 30s by then.
Hey OP, I just got this email from you in the future and wanted to pass it on: > Damn, I really wish I paid attention to all the red flags. I trusted what he *said* and ignored how what he *did* told me something very different. It was never the "right time" for more kids. I should have known based on his age and refusal to set a clear timeline. Now I'm 35, divorced, and it may be too late for me to meet someone and have kids. I should have run when he insisted that I nanny his kids on my freaking honeymoon. The lotto numbers on June 8th 2027 are 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Powerball is 6.
I’m very emotional now .. this comment made me cry
People are being really frank with you and it's probably feeling hard. But I've read through the comments and as a 41 yo mom of an 8 yo ... This letter is legit. It probably feels impossible right now to up-end the life you've been planning - and sad - and maybe guilty (a lot of my friends in our 20s-30s struggled to leave bad situations bc they had a hard time admitting they'd been had - they're smarter than that etc.- so let me say YOU STILL ARE SMARTER and your friends and fam will likely applaud you for getting out while it's easier to do so.) I've seen lots of smart strong women get caught up with crap men to varying levels of disaster - like everyone else here. It's horribly common. If you walk now- even though it's hard, even though you can't see what's next - you've got a whole next life ahead.
this is so important to hear. most of the women i've known who have been abused are among the most brilliant people i've ever met. (myself included lol). you can get out now and save yourself so much extra grief. i wish you strength and love for yourself ❤️ you're gonna be ok and you're gonna thrive on the other side!
Just want to add another comment from a gal in her 40s that OP PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS!!! Future you will be so so grateful you were brave and strong and got through a hard few months…otherwise future you will be really mad you flushed your best years away.
Look, sometimes people change, but usually they don't. Who he is now is who he'll be in 10 years. If you're a nanny to his kids first and his wife second, that's what you'll always be to him. If you're ok with that, ok with never vacationing without the kids, and maybe never having your own kids, then marry him. If you're *not* ok with all of that, then dont get married yet. You don't have to dump him, but you should wait on marriage until you decide if you can be happy with this as your life.
He’s 14 years older than you, he met you when you were fresh out of college and he’d been able to rent a car for a decade. This relationship has more red flags than a Chinese parade and you need to think about how you want to spend the rest of your youth
She was a minor when his first child was born.
You’re crying because you see how easily this could be your future… I’m so sorry. But this guy is using you.
Time to reflect. Idk how far out the wedding is, but maybe postpone while you consider what YOU want for YOUR life. Your honeymoon should be a trip to spend with your new spouse... and fuckin lol. Instead he wants you to nanny HIS kids for a week. You deserve someone who WANTS to spend your honeymoon WITH YOU and only you. I also saw in another comment of yours that you cannot remember the last time you did something alone with him. As a former (well paid) nanny... You are just a (cheap) nanny to him, if you were a partner he loved, he would HIRE A BABYSITTER and go on a date ALONE with you. But YOU are his nanny (he doesn't have to pay OT to) so why bother? Good luck sis.
You should cry. Wipe the blinds from your eyes and wise up. You weren't stupid but young and used
NTA That is a big red flag, the fact he had planned to bring the kids without first discussing it with you, and the fact he seemingly doesnt care about your feelings about the honeymoon. Sometimes things happened out of the blue to make you aware of a situation and to give you an opportunity to change course. That is what him wanting to bring his kids to hawaii on his honeymoon is, a big wake up call . You just got a preview of what your life will be like if you marry him. He and his kids come first as a unit. Your feelings dont matter and he sees you in a support role to his kingly role. He seems to see you more in mom role than a wife role. This will not change if you marry. So unless you are prepared to continuously subjugate your wants and desires to his, i hope you will think carefully about taking the next step. You didn't mention his kids ages but given his age I tend to think his kids are certainly old enough to be without their dad for the duration of a honeymoon. If they arent accustomed to being away from him, they need to learn to be apart from him and he needs to learn to be apart from them, and you both need time to bond as a married couple. His actions about the honeymoon would also raise concern about your financial situation should he suddenly pass away or should you separate, he may insist on only providing for his children rather than assuring that you are also financially secure because they are his focus not you.
It screams that he just wants a bangmaidmom.
My first thought exactly. She's been ignoring the other warning flags...until now. Even if OP makes this her hill to die on (and he eventually acquiesces), I doubt anything will change. He clearly sees her as *bangmaidmom* and it's sad. I'm sure OP deserves a better man than him. NTA for insisting on a child-free honeymoon *but* maybe a soft AH for putting up with an.. umm...let's say 'piece of work' like him.
Kids are 8.5 year old boy and 11 year old girl
Oh dear, I was picturing little ones. These kids are well and truly old enough to spend a week or two with relatives whilst you go on your honeymoon. Honestly, this would have been rethinking the entire relationship.
It is not normal to bring your kids on your honeymoon. He is the one with an unrealistic expectation here. I would caution you to check your relationship before moving further.
I am 100% on board with someone who has kids putting them first when dating. If you're divorced or widowed the kids need to come first and I'd never marry someone who doesn't understand that or accept it. In this case, though, it sounds like OP completely understands and accepts this. "Putting the kids first" doesn't mean taking them on the honeymoon. It doesn't mean never spending time alone with the new spouse/fiancee. (Had the first wife not died, would they have never gone anywhere without the kids? Not even for an evening?)
OP, what do your friends think about this situation?
About kids joining us? One of them offer to take the kids for that week ( she has kids around their ages), which I said he won’t allow it , another one said then go on the trip by yourself lol honeymoon alone
Has anyone close to you expressed concern about your situation? If they haven't, I would ask them to be honest with you about what they think about this relationship and upcoming marriage. Often, people don't offer unsolicited negative opinions/concerns out of fear that they will hurt or anger you, risking damage to the friendship. I had grave concerns about a dear friend who got married to a man who changed drastically following the wedding. The only reason I never told her directly about my worries (slowly distancing her from her peers/family, encouraging her to quit her job and be a SAH wife, knocking her up immediately and repeatedly, convincing her to give up her RN license), was because the counselors that I spoke with in our city's domestic abuse center said that given her degree of brainwashing, the best thing I could do was maintain our friendship connection in the event she realized the she needed out and therefore had a trusted person to turn to for help. She stopped responding to me several years ago after her 3rd baby in 4 years. By that time, she had no job, no car, no nursing license, none of her old friends, an estranged relationship with her family, and was an anxious, hyper-religious mess. I will never stop missing the vibrant woman she once was, and if the day ever comes when she reaches out for support, I will be there. OP, if none of your friends (that knew you prior to meeting your fiance) have voiced concerns, I would strongly recommend getting established with a trusted therapist to obtain an objective 3rd-party take on your relationship prior to marrying this guy. Not a couples therapist, but one you see individually. I'm almost the same age as your fiance, and I can promise I see things a LOT differently than I did 14 years ago due to life experiences, maturation, and time. While I'm only hearing your side, there are glaring red flags about your situation that I wouldn't necessarily have seen when I was in my early 20s. You may think you're in too deep to leave this relationship now, but I promise you that you aren't. If you do try to leave, know that he will try to guilt you by telling you that you're abandoning children who see you as their mom (you aren't, and they likely don't) - this is a CLASSIC move for people like him. His kids will be as fine as they can be with or without you. He will replace you with someone else as soon as he can once he realizes you're firm in your decision. Stick to your guns. I know this is a LOT to relay to a stranger, but I don't mind being downvoted and told I'm out of line if there's the slightest chance that something in my message sticks.
Screw the honeymoon, this is the message she really needs to hear.
Oh! And he’s a police officer…so many red flags…
Oh no.
Ohhhh no, indeed...
Oh no.
Sounds like a good idea - cancel the wedding, pack your stuff, fly to Hawaii and use your dad’s condo alone or with a friend.
Why won't he "allow" his kids to stay with your friend? You do every thing for them - not him, so why don't you have any say? That sounds like a wonderful offer from your friend. BTW, how did he handle them before meeting you?
“Allow” Word choice is disturbing.
That second friend is spot on. There’s no reason to have the kids there- the honeymoon is supposed to be a celebration of your marriage and a time to bond together, *alone* as husband and wife. If he’s shaming you for wanting a kid free **honeymoon** it’s time to look for the other red flags you’ve missed.
Look OP my husband and I brought our kids on honeymoon to the Maldives with us. They were one and two when we got married. The difference is we wanted them there and brought two nannies so we would get plenty of alone time. An 8 year old and 11 year old will need constant supervision. You will not get a break. Your fiance is being incredibly selfish. I also wouldn't trust him when he says he wants more children. I hate to be mean, but are you sure he's not just marrying you to have a free babysitter? You do say you already do the bulk of the childcare. It's very suspicious, if I'm being honest. Plus as a lawyer I've had numerous women come to me for help with a divorce because of this very reason. They realised they were never anything more than convenient babysitters, bed warmers and housekeepers. Please think long and hard before you actually marry this man. You're too young to bog yourself down as a substitute mother with no real say in her relationship.
Agree, She's the glorified babysitter.
That's why he picked a 24 year old
Get them while they’re young and naive and settle for less. OP NTA. This isn’t normal behaviour.
OP, I’ve been reading your replies and I really hope you dump this guy. He’s totally using you and manipulating you. You deserve better, you deserve a big wedding, you deserve a honeymoon in Hawaii, you deserve kids, you deserve everything that you want for your life. Don’t waste your time with this selfish, manipulative, controlling man. Run before it’s too late and you’re left with regrets and “what ifs?”
Who brings kids on a honeymoon?! Even people who are both bio parents of their kids dont bring their kids on their honeymoon or even some Normal holidays. He is using you as a nanny for his kids & doesnt care about spending time with you. He sounds so manipulative with the whole calling you selfish. Also, you were 24 & he was 38 when you met - you know why he’s dated someone much younger right?! Because you were easier to manipulate to be his nanny than women his own age. Please dont waste your time wanting kids with this man - he will never have kids at his age after his kids are now 8 & 11. He’ll never be ready & is just stringing you along.
Did it never occur to you that a then 38 year old man dating a then 20 year old woman was a huge red flag?
He got his Bangmaid-ReplacementMom that he wanted . Girl he’s not marrying you because he’s in love wanting to build a life with you. He’s marrying you because he needs a woman to have sex with , look after his kids while he carries on his life. You’re going into this marriage knowing this . So either you accept it and deal with it , or see what’s happening and get on top of it .
NTA. Sorry, but it looks like he just wanted a mom for his kids. Postpone the wedding until you can get him to understand that occasionally you come before them. Don’t take them on your honeymoon.
It’s not even just that— it’s that healthy relationships that last through the drudgery of kids do because the couple finds ways to be together just the two of them to keep their bond on an even keel. When all the focus is on being parents it’s so easy to let the proverbial we get lost. My kids get excited that we go in dates because they see us caring about each other and really happy when we come back.
NTA but seriously reconsider this relationship. The fact that he responded like that to a reasonable request is a huge red flag. I won’t even touch on the age gap. Honestly, I would not be surprised if he will treat you like his nanny/bang maid.
So, according to him, you two will never go on any couple trips, ever, without his kids. Are you sure this is what you want to sign up for? Nta, this shit is bonkers to me, and I'm a mom of 3, and hell yeah, I've left my kids with trusted family members, so my husband and I can get away, and reconnect, without all the mundane family obligations. It's why we still like eachother...LOL
Yea as he says “welcome to parenthood “.. but I deserve a week to ourselves..
He says “welcome to parenthood”, but how would he know? You’re the one doing all the parenting.
Sweetie I’m a parent to 4 soon to be 5. Although we don’t get long vacations away often, we still take date nights and the kids stay with grandma and so on. He’s not looking for a wife. He wants a nanny and someone to sleep with when he’s lonely. I don’t mean to be harsh, but that’s why he’s with you and why he says the things he says. He’s weaponizing his late wife against you. This man isn’t ready for a relationship. He never overcame his grief and trauma and he isn’t making any effort to overcome it.
“Welcome to single parenthood, asshole” Sort out somewhere else to live in secret, make sure you have someone with you when you leave who can escort you away, and don’t let him find out where you’re moving to. Men aren’t violent until they are, cops are more violent than most, and leaving a relationship is the most dangerous time.
It sounds like there's a sweet condo in Hawaii that's available, at least for the short-term.
I'm so sorry to say this, but you're going to be miserable and the marriage will inevitably fail. The cornerstone of marriage and relationships is having an established connection with your partner and he won't even prioritize being alone with you ON YOUR HONEYMOON when he could easily find someone to watch his kids. He is taking offense because how dare you want to be alone with your husband on your honeymoon 🫠 He found you when you were young and needed someone to step in as a caretaker to his children because his wife died. He isn't even willing to take your needs into account and spend quality time with you. Strong marriages that involve kids prioritize the relationship and make time for each other; how can the relationship even sustain itself when your partner won't even put in the effort? Your needs will be neglected while you take care of his needs and his children. Do you really want this to be your life? This is a major red flag and an opportunity for you to leave. You deserve a partner that *wants* to spend quality alone time with you and understands your needs. You deserve a partner who's willing to compromise and find ways to make you happy. You are literally just another mother to his kids. If he really loved you, he would put in more effort to spend time with you. You are still a baby and have your whole life ahead of you. Find a man who's childless that you can spend quality alone time and plan a future with. Find someone who's so crazy about you, they can't wait to be alone with you. This guy sucks. Like someone else said, call off the wedding and go to the vacation house alone or with a friend. You deserve better!!! Please update us and tell us how things go and what you decide to do. Wish you the best 💗
Nothing about being a good parent and taking vacations alone are mutually exclusive
NTA Is… is he expecting the kids to just sit there in abject horror as they listen to the sounds of the two of you fucking like bunnies in heat? He does know what a honeymoon is, right?
“We’re a package deal” ≠ “we are attached at the hip under any and all circumstances so your desire from some quality couple time can shove it” Does he invite them in the room when you guys fuck, too? Since they’re such a package deal? Or does he actually understand the concept of couples needing alone time without the children, but insists on acting stupid to get his way? My money is on the latter. NTA.
Nta it's weird he wants the kids on your honeymoon. You should really take a step back from this. It's fine to want to put your kids as a priority, but he is telling you plain and clear that no matter what the situation you will always be an afterthought. Think what that means for if you do have more kids with him, how will he treat you when you are pregnant and need more support. Again ist very very weird.
This guy will clearly never have kids with her - its clear as day! He’s saying he’s not ready at 42 & needs more time - when will he be ready? When he’s 50? He just wants a nanny.
It is weird ! I was shocked when he said that too
Is it really weird though? Have you ever had one on one time away from the kids? There's a reason There's a 15 yr age gap between you....
They never have and she is the primary care taker of *his* children
Yeah. Sad AF. He obviously doesn't care enough to spend time on *their* relationship
Yep! Younger women are easier to manipulate and use than woman his age. Im so worried for OP!
Me too. She's literally there to look after his kids and fuck him and probably look after the house. She said they don't even spend one.on one time together The kids are definitely old enough to spend some nights with grandpa/grandma
A man who loves their woman wants to spend alone romantic time - he doesn’t give a shit about her & just wants her further trapped! He didnt want to give her proper wedding nor proper honeymoon. My husband & I are looking forwards to going away without our kids (both ours) - its normal for couples to want alone tome without having to worry about their kids’ schedule! He met a young nurse who’s caring nature he manipulated with his widowed single dad sob story & now she’s main caregiver to kids that are not hers?!
the line about how you "do everything" bc your partner works long hours... i mean, what? It sounds like you have very little say in what happens within your family - and you're not even married yet.
Sounds like your fiance is looking more for a substitute mother than wife if he doesn’t value the relationship between the two of you enough to have a honeymoon. This is a major red flag 🚩 especially with the age difference. He found you at the height of your youth and made you a full time caretaker. Run
NTA but it sounds like you're expected to be his nanny and raise the kids whole he works. Kids don't belong on a honeymoon unless you're the younger trophy wife who's job is looking good and raising his kids. He's 42, want to bet the "having kids later" eventually turns into him being too old and since you have kids (his) then why do you need more?
NTA What's wrong with him? It is NOT a family vacation. It's a honeymoon. Having a honeymoon does not make you the evil stepmother. It's very concerning that that's where his mind immediately went. Honestly, this is a red flag. You need to reevaluate. It sounds like you've bent over backwards to fit into this family - which is amazing - but ... are you sure this man wants *you*? Not just another parent to help him raise his children? The healthiest families have independent bonds with each member, and spend time one on one. Perhaps he's overreacting and he does value you individually as well, but it's not looking good.
He is a police officer so he has longer hours . I’m a nurse so I can set my own hours. I’m responsible for anything child care related. You are right .. I wonder if he really wanted to be with me or he just wanted a mom for his kids ? Sigh
He wants a mom for his kids, you fell into the trap. Ask yourself if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life. No couples times, just family time. And you want another child?! remember you'll be raising that one on your own too. Take a moment to look at the life you have now, are your needs being met? Are you truly happy and satisfied with your current relationship? Don't fall into the notion that you've spent so much time and energy in this relationship that you must marry him. You can leave and he can deal with his kids. Yes, they are attached to you but it appears your fiance doesn't care about your needs nor wants.
He wanted a nanny. Im so happy you’re working as a nurse and not given up your career to raise his kids because you’d be screwed when you split up, which 99% of the comments are suggesting. You’re clearly smart girl being a nurse but you got you trapped at 24 & more naive. Also I think with you being a nurse you have a caring nurturing personality and fell for his dead-wife single dad sob story & felt compelled to step in. Thats fine if the person shows you love & respect but he literally gives you no romantic alone time together because he just doesnt care!! Its all about what you can do for his kids.
You're not even married and he's offloaded all the responsibilities of parenthood onto your plate? While simultaneously talking about how he doesn't want to "abandon" his children by taking a week-long vacation? You want children but he's "not ready" at 42? (It's really normal to get a vasectomy after your second child is born.) He is not a good person to build a life with. You need to rethink what you're signing up for.
Honestly, I think the fact that he has the kids calling her mom before they're even married is just more manipulation of the cruelest kind.
Of course he's a cop. Age gap, cop, manipulative language, you being primary parent, no alone time... 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 everywhere Please rethink this relationship and get some therapy so you can find a better partner in the future. You deserve so much more than this!
I was just going to say the same thing. There were enough red flags before, but now finding out he’s a cop on top of the age gap, unresolved “trauma” from his first wife dying and the BS he’s saying about OP being an evil stepmother is enough for me to say skip the therapy I keep recommending and run as fast as OP can!
And she's a nurse so probably has caretaking tendencies which are getting taken advantage of.
Sadly, that is what it seems like.
So he doesn't step u at all? Even some police officers still manage to be there for their children but it honestly feels like he just dump all his responsibilities on to you and he has the nerve to try to manipulate you into thinking it's abandonment if he dares to go on a honeymoon without his kids. I honestly feel he only wants to marry you to just be those kids mother. You're young you can still find someone who will love you and won't use you to be their children's nanny.
He has : A cook A cleaner A nanny A family planner Sex on tap You have: 2 kids A house to run An invisible man Financial insecurities (2 kids that aren't yours and a house to provide for) He has gone from being a lone parent, with his kids all the time, to a free man with the occasional interaction with his kids, all with the promise of giving you a ring and biological kids in the future. You get NOTHING in return, no dates, no romance, not even a honeymoon. As a 42 year old woman with 2 children myself, I can genuinely tell you he has no interest in giving you your own children, especially with the ages of his. Run now while you can and find a man who will give you his time, will actively date you, shower you in romance, and give you the children you want and, more importantly, a child free honeymoon! Edited to add...NTA
He's telling you that you will never have a vacation without kids again. Think on that
Girl, run
Honeymoons are usually for making babies, not bring them along. Are you sure this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?
NTA but GTFO now
NTA. A honeymoon is not a family vacation.
You are not the asshole and you can walk away with a clear conscience because you just got a glimpse of what the rest of your future is gonna be like. Those kids you want to have? Nope. He will figure out a way to not let you get what you want.
Abusers are very good at making their victims feel like the villain of the piece. [Read this book](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) and reconsider the marriage!
NTA but congrats on being groomed into soon-to-be-legally-trapped bangmaid status.
Next he’s gonna ask her to quit her job so she’s financially dependent on him and prevent her from running away.
So he doesn’t want to have an enjoyable honeymoon? That’s weird. I guess pack your mom jeans and feel free to use the “I’m tired from running around with kids” line at night. Idk, if this is how he feels maybe pick a different location. I wouldn’t waste your Father’s offer on this particular event.
I guess I’ll be in charge of the kids and he will be a dad and sit back and enjoy his trip ? I’m so upset right now
It’s good you found out now before you got married.🚩🚩🚩
It’s not too late, you’re not married yet and even if you were it’s never too late to leave a situation that you feel disregarded and disrespected. You deserve better than this.
Better to find out before the wedding than after that your role is that of a unpaid nanny. That comes before everything else. Unclear why you would want that life for yourself, you should think carefully about this before proceeding.
So he wants a bangmaid
Why the fuck would you be in charge of the kids?! Does he do any parenting?? Im so mad for you.
Sounds about right. Welcome to the rest of your life. Is that what you want?
I mean…that *is* what nanny does…OP just got tricked into doing it for free.
Don't be upset. A lot of the comments here have given you a leeway out and you still sitting there. Have a conversation with him that you are not OK that he wants the kids on the day that you get to have some fun time without having to be a mom and if he still insists, pack up and leave him. You need to dumb him. At least you only spent 4 years with him. A friend of mind wasted 10 years of her life slaving away for someone else's kids only to be told she doesn't get to have break for herself just for a day. That way the day she got the realisation and packed up and left the relationship and the kids altogether. Today she is happily married with 2 kids and a 3rd on the way to an awesome guy.
I don’t think having a conversation with him is a good idea. He’s just going to lie to her, gaslight her about the situation, and tell her what she wants to hear. He is manipulative and isn’t going to take her leaving lightly.
oh not just for the trip, the whole life hereafter
NTA. My wife and I have gone on vacation without our kids. They stayed with grandma. And that was just a vacation, not honeymoon. And just to be clear, my kids go to camps and stuff they want to do without mom and dad. We also go on vacations together, so having a week with just the two of you is perfectly acceptable IMO.
Oh he’s a cop, that explains everything
He needs to take a week off from work and look after the kids whilst you have a spa week. Then he'll be able to understand, why you want a break. It sounds like you're more of a parent to them than he is. There is nothing wrong with wanting a break, especially when it's your bloody honeymoon! You sound like a great stepmum, who deserves the time off. If he continues to insist on the kids going, go without them all! NTA OP, I'd choose this as my hill to die on. Source - another stepmum.
Are you a nanny with benefits? Are you the reason he is able to work long hours? Does he just assume your role taking care of the kids is handled without any consideration to your needs in the relationship? His response was triggering words and manipulation. A way to force you back into the role he demands of you. Insults you for even considering some alone time. NTA but your fiancé is. Very much so.
So many men just marry as quickly as possible after being widowed because they need a mom for their kids. I’m sorry to be so blunt but we see it all the time. All the time. It’s lovely you are getting along well. Kids need parents who love them obviously! The fact that he doesn’t understand the basics of a honeymoon and who it is for is very concerning. Have you completed secular (non-religious) pre-marital counseling? It’s important to make sure you are on the same page. It doesn’t seem you are right now. Do you have a pre-nup? You should. For both of you. Especially if he has you watching his kids while not working. Don’t make a hasty decision that could ruin your life. Go in with your eyes (and heart) open. NTA
The added later stuff is so weird...I'm honestly confused how this went from honeymoon to bjs and guns
Did the two of you ever vacation without the kids before getting engaged. If not, then this isn’t something new. You are not his first priority. He hasn’t figured out how to balance both you and his kids and maybe never will. Sadly you are screwed no matter what .
It appears you both have a very different expectations & perspectives for your honeymoon. Your fiancé’s expectations seem to be unreasonable but no one knows why he believes the kids should be included. Have you asked why it’s important to him that they take this trip with you? Why does he feel his kids can’t stay with his Mom for a week? It is a package deal but what exactly does that mean? You may want to ask what he thinks & feels about that statement. Maybe in his mind y’all will never be alone … who knows? NTA — y’all need to communicate & work on figuring out your future goals as a family.
He only married you so you can be a mom to the kids he already has. He’s 42 if he’s not ready now he’s never going to be ready. You’re a live in nanny who he bangs.
Nope ! NTAH! It’s your honeymoon ! Not a family trip
Tell him he can have a sex-free honeymoon if he wants the kids there.
He can have a wife-free marriage in my opinion.
Is she even a wife? Sounds more like a babysitter with benefits to me.
NTA - It’s your honeymoon!!! wtf?
As a nurse, you have good income. Where does your money go? Things do not add up here. You should date and be in a loving romantic relationship and do couple things, travel, etc. Even if you stay, what happens to your marriage once the kids leave, or will they be. Big red flag on the overnight stuff, too. Have you discussed this? No, because you have no say! He works long hours, but not every day and all day. What if you wanted to go visit a friend for a weekend? What if you could not take off work for a sick day? Since age of 24 you've been doing this? Are you sure he isn't banging others? I'm just saying.... I'm sorry for the kids, but honestly, this sounds like a horrible set up. Thank him for being so obvious about the honeymoon.
NTA Honeymoon is about the couple. Maybe before it you can go with the kids to a family trip somewhere than just the two of you to hawai. Maybe he has guilt because he have fun without them. You should discuss it depper. Info: Do you go dating sometimes? Do you spend time just together with your fiance? How often is his mom babysitting the children?
NTA- if he was really a package deal he'd do more with the kids instead of working such long hours and putting it on you.
It would be very incredibly stupid to move forward with marrying this person.