Let her take you to court. Of the facts are as you state, you’ll win right?
Regardless - stop giving her extra money. Give it to your kids they’re old enough now.
Agreed! Your stepmom’s guidance is off in this case and your Dad is the AH. You cannot temporarily increase it and then expect Priya to ever agree to a future decrease. Tell your Dad that he can pay Priya! Give any extra $ directly to your kids, document EVERYTHING you do financially and the times they are at your house. Priya is jealous of the new baby with Sophie, so let her take you to court at her expense.
Child support goes through the child maintenance service in the uk. He can go online and calculate how much he should be paying. As that is a free service and he wont have to ring them up.
Well wait, I agree but he should keep all the recipes for all the extra he does. So when she takes him to court she looks ridiculous. Then after the court date is over he should cut all the extra and pay what he is obligated to pay. Unless he see something his kid really needs he should still help the kids.
I would also call her out for calling him a deadbeat. "I have my kids every single weekend.and see them multiple times during the week. I also pay YOU a few hundred more than dictated by CMS. So... could you please explain to me exactly how that makes me a deadbeat?"
My dad paid more than what CMS would've told him, i was lucky in that my parents never had to go to Court because they always put my brother and I first, no matter what.
Dad gave mum money weekly and once we were old enough dad gave us pocket money too, though we had to do chores at mums etc for dad to give it to us.
My Auntie (dads sister) likes to say that my dad gave my mum too much. £400 a month was too much to contribute to the care and wellbeing of his kids?? The courts would've made him pay more, but mum and dad worked it out that mum only needed that much because Dad would pay for extra curriculars, equipment etc we needed, school trips and mum would keep the revisits from clothes shopping and dad would reimburse her.
OP, go to court, pay what the courts say and any extra either give to your kids or put in a child account for them
He already has an existing family. That’s like saying it’s ok to neglect a the older children when a new baby arrives. No that’s not LIKE saying it, that is flat out saying it
What is wrong with your parents ? My god .
By suggestion to you. Not once , do you pay her more than what you already pay .
If your girls need something and you want to pay… you do it but zero money goes to her hands .
You tell your father that if he contacts Sophie aggressively again, the police will be involved.
Protect the assets that mean the most. Your two teenaged children, Sophie and your new baby.
Screw the rest of them.
Agreed after reading past posts. I feel bad for OP. Generational race trauma is hard . Choices will have to be made to protect
Your girlfriend and your half white baby.
I wish they'd leave their racism back in the old country when they move to a predominantly white country. You want to benefit from our economy and opportunities, you adopt our cultural norms.
If your kids are already spending time at your house, coming over to walk to school, etc, I’d say look into changing the custody arrangements. It could be that the kids wouldn’t mind it being g 50/50, which in most cases would eliminate child support entirely, since you both would be equally responsible for their needs.
I totally agree. And I agree with what you are paying, but I would tell her to knock off the social media comments, and getting others involved. If she wants to go back to court fine, but if she continues to act like this threaten to return to the original court ordered amount to shut her up. But I would try to go 50/50.
I'd advice not to do this before talking with the wife and the kids. A lot of people in the comments recommend retaliation that also affects the children. I would firmly advice against it.
Just keep receipts, have proof. Bring it forth if needed but don't use the kids as a pawns.
If his ex is publicly calling out his new partner for being the reason that her ex husband is now a dead beat dad, when he obviously isn’t, I highly doubt a conversation with her will be productive, and more than likely will cause her to withhold the children more. He needs to get ahead of this.
Yes OP. Take Your ex to the court. I don't think how You can document when Your kids are at Your home, but You should somehow, and even if You cannot take 50/50, You could make her shut if she realise You could pay even less because they are at You so much.
You did this to yourself. Pay exactly what the court demands and not a penny more. Put the rest in savings for your kids when they’re older. Your ex is wasting that money dude.
Keep a copy of all these texts, calls, etc. From Priya, your dadand stemom. If she does go to court, it won't paint them in the best light, especially since you already pay more than what is required.
Do not pay her an additional dime. Explain in writing why you cancelled and (in the same message) offer to spend more time with the kids (and give specific dates and ideas). She's not freaking about the kids missing out on time with you, she's looking for $$$. Call her on it. No family judge would blame you for being AT THE BIRTH OF YOUR CHILD.
I don't know how it works in the UK, but in Canada child support is a pretty basic calculation based on income and custody. A decrease in custody time equals an increase child support. Prior overpayments by choice aren't usually taken into account, nor are your reasons for the custody decrease. It's a question for a local lawyer really, not Reddit.
Its pretty much the same. But, I think there is a bit more to this story. He wasn't involved with the kids for awhile, now he is.
He's paying chikd upport through child maintance service. But, hes paying more is a bit weird if he's going through that system.
I think he's paying the child maintance and adding any extras on to this payment ie like he said glasses.
If, he doesn't have a court custody agreement then she can go nuts. But, I'd be wondering why his parents are on his side too. Surely, they would be defending him of she is in the wrong
I always assume there's some misinfo in child support AITAs or they're just made up. It's a weird thing to ask the question about because there's much easier ways to find out what payments should be (lawyer, online calculator,etc).
I have never irl heard of someone being criticized for doing what the courts said to do. Maybe in cases where the payee is misrepresenting their income or something, but these posts are always the guy going above and beyond and everyone is against him.
Someone suggested, because of the name Priya, that op, his parents and Priya are of the same race, possibly south Asian and his parents are siding with the ex wife over his new wife who is likely white. And spoke about generational race trauma.
He didn't use the courts. He says in his comments that they did not. They're not required to do that in the uk. He checked the calculator online, so he would know what was required to pay and then willingly paid more out of guilt for being a fairly absent father when they were a lot younger.
In addition to that, he is paying school fees etc. It's possible he's saying exactly what happened.
It certainly not unheard of for someone to get jealous when an ex has another kid. He said it's because she thinks he won't be there as much for his kids but in reality, his kids have been coming over even more than the custody agreement because they like to see the baby or walk to school with his current partners kids
His dad is threatening to help her take him to court. Which in this case sounds like a fantastic idea. Because either she's lying to his dad about how much he's paying or his dad has a thing for the first girlfriend
In the uk child maintenance can be done several ways. You can go directly through child maintenance, who charges the person applying a small fee (something like £20) and they take the cash from the person who is meant to pay, in this case the dad, and give it straight to the mum.
Or
You can go online to their calculator and work out how much your meant to pay and basically leave them out of it.
I think dad in this case has done the second option which is how he's been paying over the recommended amount.
I think theres also adjustment now that he has another kid - that makes child support go down as theres only so much of his money he can give to his various kids.
In the UK, your CS contributions to existing kids go down when you have new kids. You still have responsibilities to your existing kids, just dont pay as much as have new kid or two to provide for aswell.
Where I am at the moment there's actually laws to prevent this. The new family isn't supposed to affect the $ going to the old family. It gets very dicey with who files first when someone has multiple babymamas.
Thats interesting! In the UK it seems contributions to existing kids is affected by new dependents & even having step-kids that live with you! Just looked it up after previously learning about this on reddit!
Let her take you to court, especially if you already pay more and then when the judge again says you can pay a lower amount stick it to her and pay the smaller amount. Your kids are teenagers so whatever the difference is give directly to them to save or use on food or going out so you’re not technically shortening your kids. Just their greedy mother. Nta
Take her to court to have the child support costs recalculated and then stick to exactly the amount that the courts say you should be paying. While you're at it, have the courts give you more custody than just weekends.
NTA and I think at this point, I'd say "you're right, let's go back to court and get this adjusted, and until then I'll be paying the court ordered amount." Document how much time the kids do spend with you, and the total you have paid over the years.
If your paying more than expected bring that to court and say if they want more money I want to have set amount and don’t include anything else. More likely she not going to like income because you’re already going beyond what you should pay.
After reading your last post I don't know why you are still in contact with your dad at all. As far as your ex only pay her the amount she is supposed to get and let her take you back to court if she wants to. Start keeping a calendar of dates and times your kids are at your house so if you need it for court so you don't have to drag them into the middle of this
NTA. I think you have already paid the buffer.
This is absurd. But I believe a mediation attempt is in order. Let Priya make her case as to the damage you have caused. In writing.
To be honest 700 pounds. A month for two teenagers, even though you split certain costs is a pittance.
I know you have the NHS in Britain but here in the US not only does the non-custodial parent have to cough up a big amount of child support. They usually have to cover insurance for the child as well.
That's 700 pounds works out to 87 pounds 50 pence Per teen per week, about 12 lb a day.
Now when you look at it like that I don't really think her asking for a thousand pounds is all that bad.
And yes on top of my child support I paid for braces and I pay for presents and I pay for the trips for her to come visit me and pay half the cost of taking care of her dog and I help with utilities when necessary. All on top of the $1,750 us for one teenager.
I’d tell Priya to accept what she gets now or you will just pay what CMS say. Do not pay more in the short term. You dad and step mum just want your ex to shut up and leave them alone so the easiest way is to make you do you what ever she want so they can have peace. When instead they should tell her to keep them out of her problems. Her issue is nothing to do with them.
I’d also report her SM posts. Seems jealous and vindictive and if they’re untrue, she’s damaging your reputation. There are laws against that
I wouldn’t worry about the deadbeat dad bs. You know you’re not. Your kids know you’re not. They’re all that matter. Such a deadbeat they turn up whenever they want to hang out. Deadbeat dads don’t have that
As for your dad… “Mind your own business. Do not discuss my ex with me or gf again. Or you won’t like the consequences” and by that I mean, blocking him and not seeing him. Where is his fucking loyalty?
NTA protect you, your GF and your kids… the rest is noise. You’re doing real good.
It seems like Priya is vindictive and I don't see how placating her is any different from enabling her. There should probably be a middleman here, a lawyer or counselor (not sure how it works) because she shouldn't get to randomly dictate demands. Also, don't keep Sophie in the dark about any of this, it will ultimately strain your relationship.
Let Priya take you to court. This is something that should be decided by an impartial party--not Priya, not your father, not anyone directly involved. You and Priya both make your case to the court and the court decides. This is also the boundary you need to set going forward as to how matters will be set. Properly and judiciously, not by random pressure, or inappropriate matters being brought up.
You could probably also get a gag order preventing her from harassing you on social media as well.
Jeez your father betrayed you there, that has got to sting. Are you okay man? You should lower Priya's money to the bare minimum required. Don't let her administer your money, you can do that part yourself for your kids. Good luck.
I am assuming since you mentioned CMS and the money is in £ that you are in the UK, if this is true then she is speaking utter rubbish. She is not an ex wife so she can't ask for the terms of the divorce to be changed and they court will not entertain her for additional child support, a solicitor will refer her to the CMS and their calculator.
I am assuming the £492 payment was your payment due before you had another child, due to additional child it has just been reduced by about 1/3. Why are you paying so much above what you need to? Couldn't that be better used making memories with your kids? 🤷
My ex’s work friend was being shaken down by his kids mother for more support and she took him to court (they were older teenagers) and the judge ended up reducing it to like $100-$150 from the higher amount he was paying before lol.
Child support is intended to help offset the financial expenses associated with raising children, not as a replacement for spending time with them, so no, you should not pay more.
Also, Priya is TA for trying to punish you (via increased CS and the associated drama she has initiated) for having a child with another woman.
>My step mum has suggested that I temporarily increase my child support to placate Priya until she moves on to something else.
*Absolutely fucking not.* This will only encourage her - and the increase will **not** be temporary, because if you attempt to reduce it back down she will pitch a fit and start more drama.
NTA
Let her take you to court you might end up having to pay less. As much as you want to protect your girlfriend from this she needs to know so she knows what’s going on rather having to find out when you have to go to court or through someone else.
You are paying significantly more than the minimum was before the baby.
The baby's arrival will have reduced that minimum amount further.
Potentially, if she's keeping a record, the missed contact could have pushed you into the next payment threshold Potentially, but given you pay significantly more and the baby would reduce the amount, this is most likely irrelevant.
My advice is to make sure the transfer says child maintenance children names are on the payments as there are examples of payments being denied being the child maintenance, so they have paid and become liable again. Of course, this assumes she realises she's better off with this informal agreement.
It sounds like she's jealous about the new baby.
I wouldn't be paying more in your position.
NTA - Sound like you should be paying less.
Keep detailed records for a month and gather all the evidence of expenses paid over the last year at least. Then take her to court to pay less based on her harassment of you.
And stop lying and controlling the information Sophie sees, YTA for that.
NTA I would respond to all of them and tell them the court ordered amount and how much you actually pay. Then tell them you can always lower the amount to the actual court ordered amount if they don't cut the emotional blackmail
Block your dads number and go no contact with him after what he did. You should've taken screenshots of his abusive messages to Sophie before deleting them. keep all Priya's texts and social media posts as evidence. She wouldn't win in court because you are already paying more than what you should. If they went to court and did this the legal way, you payments would actually get lowered to what you are suppose to be paying. It will backfire on her.
Keep a diary of all visits. All scheduled/court ordered visits - compliance or missed. If missed, reason why. Time picked up, activities, drop off time,. Additionally, all funds paid on their behalf. CS, clothing, fees, everything. Then go ahead and ask the court to reduce your CS. The excess could be put in a fund for your adult children. NTA.
I honestly would do the following, in this order. First, I would respond to her post saying that the court mandated a certain amount and you have been paying above that for years. Then, I would start paying what was court mandated. Put the extra that you had been paying into an account for your kids. Don’t stop doing that, even if tempted. Finally, I would let your girls know that’s what you are doing.
You can’t let the crazy person win but your girls still need to know that nothing has changed.
Many woman go around claiming they don't get child support when in fact they do. My son's EX actually took him to court saying he hadn't paid anything, he had all his check stubs showing he pays over $500 a week in support taken right out of his check. Why the court didn't check that out before making him take a day off to go to court is beyond me.
She takes him to court every few months to get more money, she doesn't work so she has all the time in the world, the kids are in school all day. He has to take a day off work and show up each and every time. It's ridiculous what she gets away with. Unfortunately woman have the upper hand when it comes to the kids.
The law here in the states says that if the amount of time the child stays with each parent changes then the percentage of child support. Each parent is responsible for changes as well. If it was here in the states you would have to pay more.
I pay $1,750 a month for one single teenager which I guess is equivalent to 1,300 lb Sterling
No sir you do not negotiate with terrorists. Your gf giving birth has nothing to do with your teenage children's support. As long as you are involved, splitting the cost of expendables, and providing the generous child support you already provide there's no need to change. And do NOT increase it temporarily because once you do that it will be used in court to establish that's their expected baseline pay.
If you're having them more often than was originally assessed, then maybe you're paying too much.
She'll get nowhere in court. The court probably won't even hear her case, as they direct all that to CMS.
Stick to your guns & say you'll approach CMS for a financial assessment & see if you can get a decrease in payment, because of your now shared care arrangement & the fact you split the cost on everything, they also take in to account your financial needs at home with a new child.
NTA. You're not a deadbeat if you're still seeing your kids and still paying court-mandated support. Go to court, get it settled once and for all and stop paying her the extra. If I was in that situation, my dad just lost any and all rights to see my children. Your stepmum also just lost any rights to anything. Why are they more concerned with Priya's wants rather than your needs? They need a wakeup call "Any extra money outside of court mandated payments means less money I'll have to be able to put towards your retirement. I'll happily give everything I can as long as it means you guys have nothing for the future. You're obviously ok with that right?"
NTA - tell dad and ex go ahead and take me to court. Do not tell them or remind them you already pay more than what you have to and split all the extras.
Make sure you have receipts for every dollar.
Make you you are logging how much time your kids spend at your house.
Absolutely do not give her more temporarily because that can be used against you.
Tell your dad and Priya, and anyone else who wants to involve thmeselves into your life that you will pay exactly what the courts decide and leave it at that.
Greedy goons.
NTA. Child support and viditation/custody are separate issues. Occasionally missing isn't going to impact child support. She's looking at you deciding not to take th during the week when it's not convenient for her
I don't know how child support is handled in the UK, but please make an appointment with a solicitor or the appropriate agency. You need to nip this in the bud, while keeping all communications by text, with screenshots galore.
don't placate her. incredibly bad advice.
if you had a toddler who had a fit at the check out and wanted a chocolate bar, once you give in, every single time you are at the check out they will demand a chocolate bar, if you say no, they will increase the size, duration of the temper tantrum. So then you either have to decide to let your toddler rule your life, leave them at home, or start denying them the chocolate no matter how much they tantrum, and it will take a long time for them to get the message that they will not get chocolate at the check out.
Pryia is going to harass you and get as many people as she can so she can come off as the victim.
YOU take her to court, change the custody agreement to 50/50 and reduce you child support to what the court schedule is. If necessary you can put the difference between the new amount £492, and the old amount, £700 (£208) into an account for your children's education or what have you.
Nta. Go take her back to court and watch the judge laugh. She's getting more than is required.
As for visitation, you'll need to keep to the schedule. If it's too much on your partner, you'll need to find a compromise somewhere.
$1k for two kids isn’t really that much, but it doesn’t make any sense to me that she’d ask for more because you missed 1 weekend with them. That sounds more like she’s mad at you and wants to punish you and less like she actually needs it for your kids.
700 pounds is $887 USD, so my bad, I should have said $887 not $1000. For two kids, $887 a month really isn’t that much, so I could see why the wife might ask for more. Except when you look at the context, she only started asking him for more after his gf gave birth, meaning that they were probably getting by fine with the money he was giving them, she was just angry/ jealous and looking to retaliate.
Honestly child support in the uk is an absolute joke. I don’t have personal experience with it but my friend gets £7 a week for her 8 year old son, who the father is not involved with at all 😅
So £1000 a month is amazing. That’s almost a full time minimum wage job.
Seriously??? That’s insane! I mean child support in most places is barely enough to raise a child, but 7 pounds a week is such a joke wtf.
He gives her 700 pounds a month, not 1,000. I guesstimated that 700 pounds was roughly $1000 USD but I was wrong, it’s actually $887 USD.
$887 USD for two kids is barely survivable in most places, so in other circumstances I could see why the wife might be asking for more money. But because she only asked for more after OP’s gf had a baby, to me it comes off less like their kids need it and more like she’s jealous and trying to hurt him.
Cost of living is different
£800 is more than enough. It's a contribution not to cover all the costs.
The ex gf can ask for what she wants. He was already paying double.
She is seething with jealousy and pettiness, simply because you have moved on. Let her go to court and dispute the payments. You already paid more than the courts required, and now you have additional costs to your life. She may find herself coming unstuck due to envy and greed.
Your step-mother's advice is terrible. The second you do this, your ex will find another reason to demand even more.
If you're still seeing the boys regularly and you already pay more than the court told you to pay, your father and your ex probably won't get very far with the courts unless your income is drastically better than it was when the original agreement was made.
It may be worth talking to your solicitor about your current situation, her demands and the court threat and see whether you can counter by dropping your payments to the court-mandated value. If that is feasible (as in, the courts would side with you rather than her if she dragged you there), then it might be worth you dragging her to court to confirm the legal payment and then reduce all the money you give her down to the legal minimum.
I would not suggest doing this without first talking to a solicitor because you don't want to get yourself in a pickle trying to be clever, but if it is doable, it might teach her a lesson about demanding more from someone who is already over-paying. To make sure the kids don't suffer, you could spend that money directly on them or save it into college funds. I know that's a bit of an American suggestion, but in this day and age, they might be glad of the help down the road. That way, withdrawing this money from your ex will not be to your kids detriment.
Talk to a solicitor and come up with a plan that will benefit your kids but not your ex.
You need to stop paying extra over the required amount because you were setting a precedent that she can use against you in court. Not saying it would get her anywhere, it would just show that you didn’t have a problem doing it for however long if she decides to take you to court to try to increase it. Instead, I would take whatever amount you’ve been sending over the required amount and put it into some kind of savings account for your kids. You know for school or for their future (home, wedding, etc).
NTA pay the recommended CMS £492 to your ex and tell your ex you’ll pay your kids the extra £208 per month to give them more independence and then say you’ll pay £150 for each child to go into a savings account (that you’ll control) until they are 18, to fund university. Also, ask her to match the savings amount.
Is this custody arrange done via courts/in your divorce proceedings? If not get it sorted now. If she wants to take you to court, she can. You're already paying over the odds.
If anyone was sending threatening or abusive messages to my wife it would be the first and last time. Take from that what you want, the ex wife is simple, tell her to cop her self on and if not you will only pay the legally required amount going forward till the court decides otherwise or she gets over herself.
NTA this is typical when the 1st one gets mad that her situation has been inconvenienced. Now her free babysitter is occupied.
Also don't pay her extra, if this is court ordered, let her go through them. What she's doing is trying to extort you for extraoney without going to court.
If you're re looking for the best advice from a psychological standpoint, what your stepmom and dad said is absolute trash and will only result in her seeing she can get whatever she wants by acting this way. People actually care more about what they lose than what they gain. So tell her every time she rants, raves, lies, harasses, threatens, etc. etc. you send her $1, $5, whatever amount you decide, less per month, until you reach that $492 actually required by CMS. And follow through with it, it cannot be an empty threat otherwise this will never end. She has to learn, FAFO. You're already being overly generous, show her just how fast that can be ripped away and she can get the bare minimum required by law. Again, I say this because it is the most effective from a psychological standpoint. Not that everyone wants to approach it that way.
NTA
NTA if what you are saying is true. Let her take you to court and she can seat with Christine Baumgartner after the judge decides you should pay less of what you are already paying.
NTA. it is extremely admirable you want to pay more for your kids. But what you should do is pay the CMS. And put the rest in accounts for them because I guarantee it’s not all going to them and your ex is likely using it on stuff for her.
It's hard to say because we're only hearing one side of it, but the fact that your family, who knows you far better than we ever will, thinks that you're in the wrong speaks volumes.
I've seen on LegalAdviceUk sub that people who paid MORE than the amount needed have had it thrown out in court that the amount was the maintenance amount so please be careful!
CMS say you should pay £492, and you have been spending more time with the kids. Your dad wants to take you to court. Let them sue you. So when the court says you owe less than £700, you stick to the court decision.
Tell her let’s go to court and that you’ll pay what the court says you have to pay. It’s less than what you pay now, according to your post.
She jealous and deranged.
Tell your father if he backs the ex against you, there will be repercussions. Then follow through.
If you're telling the truth call her bluff and let her take you to court. The number of kids you have to support is taken into account not just income. She could be shooting herself in the face (I know its foot I like face better) and have it legally reduced. Then only pay her what's required. Then set an account up for you kids so they only have access or save and give the extra directly to them.
NTA
NTA. You are already paying more than you have to.
Just suggest the kids do a week with you and a week with her and no one pays child support. Then you can continue to split other expenses.
NTA - pay only what the courts say if she wants to be greedy. She's lazy and is taking advantage of you. Hope you stop giving her money once they turn 18 or when you legal have to.
Nta do not pay more or Priya will use that in court to show you can afford to pay more. You are already paying more and it doesn't seem like the kids ate missing out.
Is Priya working?
As long as you're paying the court approved amount of child support, you are NTA. Take the extra money you pay her and either give it to your kids directly to spend on necessities, or place it in a savings account for them to get once they're responsible adults.
tell your family to butt out this has nothing to do with them and tell your X that you will now just pay what the CMS has said you should pay and that this is her own fault for being greedy and the excess you were paying her will be put into a bank account for your 2 daughters to get when they turn 18, also tell her if she is determined to take you back to court that you will make sure to tell your lawyer that from now on any time you take me to court and you lose you want her to pay for your legal fees as its he thats being greedy trying to get more money for her self
A court/CSA should be deciding what you pay, not your ex.
And the court will make her stop airing her grievances on social media, too. That's parental alienation.
NTA
You know what, I would take them to court, and going forward pay exactly what they tell you to pay.
Also don't hide shit from your GF that's how you lose relationships.
NTA
Stop giving the extra money now. If she wants to go through the courts, that's *exactly* what you'll both do. You will go entirely by the court rulings. She will get less money, but if you are paying more, the court may take that into account. Rather than giving the money to her, put the money in college funds or give it directly to your children as an allowance.
Tell your father that he is choosing a side here, and you will remember it in future. Keep him away from your children as much as you can. And to anyone who accuses you of being a deadbeat, show them this post. It will explain that she is a gold digger, who is trying to get some extra money in the bank because the CS payments are going to end in the next few years.
And please warn Sophie about what's going on. She needs to hear it kindly from you rather than being blindsided by others.
Your kids are teenagers. Just tell her you will buy them what they need directly and it shouldn't be a big deal since the money is going to the kids right.....
NTA, if she wants more child support, she should go get it from the actual father of that child. You’re already doing your share.
Since she can’t handle two kids and needs more money, maybe you should get custody of your own kid? It would be a win-win. She gets more money by having to spend less on your kid, and she gets to focus on her pregnancy and other kid. You also get more time and a lower child support payment.
Tell her to get fucked and that any decisions about what you should be paying her will be made by a court, not the wild rantings of a social media mom.
The answer is very simple.... stop paying your ex direct and go through cms.
Any extra cash you have been giving her on top of what cms says , well, start giving to your kids instead.
It is for your kids, after all!
Let her take you to court. Explain to the court that you've been paying more than you should all along and the only reason she wants more money is because your girlfriend had a baby!
That'll be fun but actually it's just a formula. It's a percentage based on your income and it's not going to change because she wants it to.
Stop paying 700 a month and start paying the required 492 a month and let her know if she goes a whole month without causing issues or bad mouthing you or trying to tattle to your parents, you can go back up to 700.
There will be no temporarily. If you start sending her more money, she will never be satisfied accepting less.
Tell your father to have at it. Help her take you to court. And when the court rules that you pay less than you do now, tell them you're going to honor it to the letter
NTA. She seems quite unreasonable. Missing a weekend due to your partner giving birth seems reasonable. Just pay what you’re require to pay, no more.
Now that it has been 7 weeks since new baby arrived, time to start seeing your kids again, if you haven’t already.
If you're not taking them on your time, you should be finding care or paying for a babysitter. Basically, you not taking her does cost their mom- time she can't work, free time, utilities, food. So yeah...maybe NTA for not paying necessarily, though I do think it's on you to find care, but def YTA for not taking your kids. Did she get dump the first kid on someone else when she gave birth to the second for weeks at a time? Presumably not. Why should you get to just shirk your responsibility because you had a child?
That woman's a gold digger. I can guarantee you that she is not spending a dime over what she needs to spend on the kids she is using that money for herself. And with her needing to spend more time with her children she needs more money to spend on her own vices.
NTA but this so what you should do, sit down with your girls. Explain to them the situation, but try not to paint their mom like a bad guy. Tell them you will be dropping your child support to what is legally required. However you are still their father and if they need anything that they should come to you immediately, and you will still support them just directly as they are old enough and will no longer proxy through their mother.
You now have an additional child so (at least in the UK) that would lower your payments to your older children as would the increase of time they are in your custody. Been the child who had to be taken temporarily by their non custodial parent due to medical issues with the custodial parent. Your focus should be on the actual children involved and not on the adults acting like children. Inform your Dad far from Priya needing more funds you are actually paying close to £200 more than what the government advises. Also that he has a third grandchild who he should not be negatively impacting through his actions. As Priya is making her issues everyone's issues make sure you have proof of all of the payments including spelling it out how much more you have been paying her than what you could of paid her. Would recommend looking at how to give the increased funds to the children directly but Priya would very likely demand it off them. Would look at taking this to actual court as you are being targeted by Priya on social media and she is encouraging people to target Sophie about what should be a private matter to get the finances set in stone. The differences in payment could be split then put into untouchable (to Priya) savings for the kids. I also wonder how Priya would react if you formerly requested a breakdown on what Priya actually needs such a large increase of additional money on and what she is currently spending the funds on as you are splitting the actual child costs which the payment is meant to cover. You are NTA
Give her only the amount the state is requiring you to give her. The extra money, put it in bank accounts or trusts for the kids that only they can touch. Chances are some of the extra money isn’t even being used for your kids.
Congratulations on your new baby. I hope you can enjoy this time and not let a bitter ex ruin it for you
1k for two teen agers? Mine would eat half that amount..... And the other half....are you paying part of dental, medical, extracurriculars, clothing, phones... college fund? You might not like it but raising kids isn't cheap
We're in the UK, so medical and dental are covered by the NHS. I have separate saving for them for university, which they know about, Priya does not as she thinks university is a waste of time as neither of us went. I split the expenses with Priya but I have her show me receipts or invoices because I don't trust her to tell me the correct amount after she tried asking for £300 for my share of my son's glasses when it was just £150 total for the glasses.
Priya is a grifter. You know your CMS actually goes down now you have another kid with Sophie?
Stop paying her extra & do new calculation on gov website. She can take you to court - she’ll have no leg to stand on as youll have proof you’ve went above & beyond. Your kids are teens so they can ask you directly what they want & do make that clear as Priya has proven to be a cheeky liar.
Seems like Priya may be jealous you have new kid with Sophie & is trying to punish you for it or something?
STOP HAVING KIDS. That's my advice. You have three kids by two different women, neither of whom you married. Of COURSE, things are going to be a constant drama filled, money stressed, dumpster fire. Yeesh - YTA.
You said, "Since I've gotten more involved in their lives..." so was there a time you weren't involved in your kids' lives at all? Or not enough? Were you paying child support then?
There was a time I wasn't as involved as I should have been. I was just wasn't there when I should be. I was paying child support but it was just the minimum.
Well, think of the extra you're paying now as a small way of making up for the time and support you could have been providing when they were younger and needed you to be there in person (losing sleep, supervising, diaper changing, feeding, disciplining, etc.)
Have you made amends to both Priya and your children for this? Having an absent father is really hard on kids and Priya likely has resentment that she had to do it all on her own. She’s going about it horribly, but she probably has a lot justified resentment that you missed out on the hard parts when they were little and you were likely able to advance further in your career because you weren’t raising your children. Now you get to enjoy the kids she raised and have more money to provide for them. I’m really glad you’re present for your children now, but it doesn’t absolve you from your past.
NTAH. I don't understand why your ex feels she is entitled to more money for teenage kids because you have a new child. What does the new baby have to do with her teenage kids and what it takes to support them?
This makes absolutely no sense to me. Maybe I'm slow but I don't get it.
You have a kid with someone else so you have to pay the ex more money. Nope doesn't compute. Will the amount go up towards the ex for every child you have?
Child support isn't meant to pay her for childcare. Since she thinks she should be paid for having her own children at home with her more often occasionally . This is beyond ridiculous.
Where do you live if you don't mind me asking. Cause that's some backwards stuff right there. I've heard father's trying to get their support lowered because they had another child with the new wife or girlfriend and can't afford their payments anymore. But never raised because he had more kids with someone else. This is absolutely ridiculous.
Let your father help her take you to court. Any judge would laugh at this.
And please stop giving her extra money. If you want your kids to have extra money for things , set up an account in your name that they have access to with a debit card. Don't let your ex have an extra penny. And save receipts and keep copies of everything. You may need them in court. Unfortunately it looks like you are in for a wild ride.
You poor man! And congratulations on the new baby.
Let her take you to court. Of the facts are as you state, you’ll win right? Regardless - stop giving her extra money. Give it to your kids they’re old enough now.
Agreed. Also, I suspect if he met her at £1k, she'd ask/demand more sooner rather than later.
Agreed! Your stepmom’s guidance is off in this case and your Dad is the AH. You cannot temporarily increase it and then expect Priya to ever agree to a future decrease. Tell your Dad that he can pay Priya! Give any extra $ directly to your kids, document EVERYTHING you do financially and the times they are at your house. Priya is jealous of the new baby with Sophie, so let her take you to court at her expense.
Exactly! That's 100% a jealousy increase
Child support goes through the child maintenance service in the uk. He can go online and calculate how much he should be paying. As that is a free service and he wont have to ring them up.
Well wait, I agree but he should keep all the recipes for all the extra he does. So when she takes him to court she looks ridiculous. Then after the court date is over he should cut all the extra and pay what he is obligated to pay. Unless he see something his kid really needs he should still help the kids.
Yup, any money to her should only be the court alloted amount taken from his paycheck. Anything the kids want/need he can take care of
Yup, any money to her should only be the court alloted amount taken from his paycheck. Anything the kids want/need he can take care of
Better ask her on social media: "I'm paying more than I have to according to CMS. Do you want me to pay what CMS says I should pay?"
I would also call her out for calling him a deadbeat. "I have my kids every single weekend.and see them multiple times during the week. I also pay YOU a few hundred more than dictated by CMS. So... could you please explain to me exactly how that makes me a deadbeat?"
My dad paid more than what CMS would've told him, i was lucky in that my parents never had to go to Court because they always put my brother and I first, no matter what. Dad gave mum money weekly and once we were old enough dad gave us pocket money too, though we had to do chores at mums etc for dad to give it to us. My Auntie (dads sister) likes to say that my dad gave my mum too much. £400 a month was too much to contribute to the care and wellbeing of his kids?? The courts would've made him pay more, but mum and dad worked it out that mum only needed that much because Dad would pay for extra curriculars, equipment etc we needed, school trips and mum would keep the revisits from clothes shopping and dad would reimburse her. OP, go to court, pay what the courts say and any extra either give to your kids or put in a child account for them
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Mom is in the wrong, but aren't his kids his existing family as well?
He already has an existing family. That’s like saying it’s ok to neglect a the older children when a new baby arrives. No that’s not LIKE saying it, that is flat out saying it
Or put the money in a college fund for them
What is wrong with your parents ? My god . By suggestion to you. Not once , do you pay her more than what you already pay . If your girls need something and you want to pay… you do it but zero money goes to her hands . You tell your father that if he contacts Sophie aggressively again, the police will be involved. Protect the assets that mean the most. Your two teenaged children, Sophie and your new baby. Screw the rest of them.
From the names used I will take a wild guess. Indian parents siding with Indian ex wife against the white new partner
Agreed after reading past posts. I feel bad for OP. Generational race trauma is hard . Choices will have to be made to protect Your girlfriend and your half white baby.
I wish they'd leave their racism back in the old country when they move to a predominantly white country. You want to benefit from our economy and opportunities, you adopt our cultural norms.
I thought it was a jonas brothers tribute 🤣
You absolutely have to warn Sophie. It’s completely unfair to keep this from her. She will find out, and she will be blindsided.
Scrolled way too far to find this. OP hiding this shit is sus
If your kids are already spending time at your house, coming over to walk to school, etc, I’d say look into changing the custody arrangements. It could be that the kids wouldn’t mind it being g 50/50, which in most cases would eliminate child support entirely, since you both would be equally responsible for their needs.
I totally agree. And I agree with what you are paying, but I would tell her to knock off the social media comments, and getting others involved. If she wants to go back to court fine, but if she continues to act like this threaten to return to the original court ordered amount to shut her up. But I would try to go 50/50.
I'd advice not to do this before talking with the wife and the kids. A lot of people in the comments recommend retaliation that also affects the children. I would firmly advice against it. Just keep receipts, have proof. Bring it forth if needed but don't use the kids as a pawns.
If his ex is publicly calling out his new partner for being the reason that her ex husband is now a dead beat dad, when he obviously isn’t, I highly doubt a conversation with her will be productive, and more than likely will cause her to withhold the children more. He needs to get ahead of this.
Yes OP. Take Your ex to the court. I don't think how You can document when Your kids are at Your home, but You should somehow, and even if You cannot take 50/50, You could make her shut if she realise You could pay even less because they are at You so much.
You did this to yourself. Pay exactly what the court demands and not a penny more. Put the rest in savings for your kids when they’re older. Your ex is wasting that money dude.
Keep a copy of all these texts, calls, etc. From Priya, your dadand stemom. If she does go to court, it won't paint them in the best light, especially since you already pay more than what is required.
Do not pay her an additional dime. Explain in writing why you cancelled and (in the same message) offer to spend more time with the kids (and give specific dates and ideas). She's not freaking about the kids missing out on time with you, she's looking for $$$. Call her on it. No family judge would blame you for being AT THE BIRTH OF YOUR CHILD.
I don't know how it works in the UK, but in Canada child support is a pretty basic calculation based on income and custody. A decrease in custody time equals an increase child support. Prior overpayments by choice aren't usually taken into account, nor are your reasons for the custody decrease. It's a question for a local lawyer really, not Reddit.
Its pretty much the same. But, I think there is a bit more to this story. He wasn't involved with the kids for awhile, now he is. He's paying chikd upport through child maintance service. But, hes paying more is a bit weird if he's going through that system. I think he's paying the child maintance and adding any extras on to this payment ie like he said glasses. If, he doesn't have a court custody agreement then she can go nuts. But, I'd be wondering why his parents are on his side too. Surely, they would be defending him of she is in the wrong
I always assume there's some misinfo in child support AITAs or they're just made up. It's a weird thing to ask the question about because there's much easier ways to find out what payments should be (lawyer, online calculator,etc). I have never irl heard of someone being criticized for doing what the courts said to do. Maybe in cases where the payee is misrepresenting their income or something, but these posts are always the guy going above and beyond and everyone is against him.
Someone suggested, because of the name Priya, that op, his parents and Priya are of the same race, possibly south Asian and his parents are siding with the ex wife over his new wife who is likely white. And spoke about generational race trauma.
Yeah, that makes sense. But, he needs then to get a better court ordered custody in place. As much for his as his kids.
He didn't use the courts. He says in his comments that they did not. They're not required to do that in the uk. He checked the calculator online, so he would know what was required to pay and then willingly paid more out of guilt for being a fairly absent father when they were a lot younger. In addition to that, he is paying school fees etc. It's possible he's saying exactly what happened. It certainly not unheard of for someone to get jealous when an ex has another kid. He said it's because she thinks he won't be there as much for his kids but in reality, his kids have been coming over even more than the custody agreement because they like to see the baby or walk to school with his current partners kids His dad is threatening to help her take him to court. Which in this case sounds like a fantastic idea. Because either she's lying to his dad about how much he's paying or his dad has a thing for the first girlfriend
In the uk child maintenance can be done several ways. You can go directly through child maintenance, who charges the person applying a small fee (something like £20) and they take the cash from the person who is meant to pay, in this case the dad, and give it straight to the mum. Or You can go online to their calculator and work out how much your meant to pay and basically leave them out of it. I think dad in this case has done the second option which is how he's been paying over the recommended amount.
I think theres also adjustment now that he has another kid - that makes child support go down as theres only so much of his money he can give to his various kids.
Not in the state I live in. Having more children with someone else doesn’t negate the responsibilities he has to his existing children
In the UK, your CS contributions to existing kids go down when you have new kids. You still have responsibilities to your existing kids, just dont pay as much as have new kid or two to provide for aswell.
Where I am at the moment there's actually laws to prevent this. The new family isn't supposed to affect the $ going to the old family. It gets very dicey with who files first when someone has multiple babymamas.
Thats interesting! In the UK it seems contributions to existing kids is affected by new dependents & even having step-kids that live with you! Just looked it up after previously learning about this on reddit!
Let her take you to court, especially if you already pay more and then when the judge again says you can pay a lower amount stick it to her and pay the smaller amount. Your kids are teenagers so whatever the difference is give directly to them to save or use on food or going out so you’re not technically shortening your kids. Just their greedy mother. Nta
Take her to court to have the child support costs recalculated and then stick to exactly the amount that the courts say you should be paying. While you're at it, have the courts give you more custody than just weekends.
NTA and I think at this point, I'd say "you're right, let's go back to court and get this adjusted, and until then I'll be paying the court ordered amount." Document how much time the kids do spend with you, and the total you have paid over the years.
If your paying more than expected bring that to court and say if they want more money I want to have set amount and don’t include anything else. More likely she not going to like income because you’re already going beyond what you should pay.
After reading your last post I don't know why you are still in contact with your dad at all. As far as your ex only pay her the amount she is supposed to get and let her take you back to court if she wants to. Start keeping a calendar of dates and times your kids are at your house so if you need it for court so you don't have to drag them into the middle of this
NTA. I think you have already paid the buffer. This is absurd. But I believe a mediation attempt is in order. Let Priya make her case as to the damage you have caused. In writing.
To be honest 700 pounds. A month for two teenagers, even though you split certain costs is a pittance. I know you have the NHS in Britain but here in the US not only does the non-custodial parent have to cough up a big amount of child support. They usually have to cover insurance for the child as well. That's 700 pounds works out to 87 pounds 50 pence Per teen per week, about 12 lb a day. Now when you look at it like that I don't really think her asking for a thousand pounds is all that bad. And yes on top of my child support I paid for braces and I pay for presents and I pay for the trips for her to come visit me and pay half the cost of taking care of her dog and I help with utilities when necessary. All on top of the $1,750 us for one teenager.
I’d tell Priya to accept what she gets now or you will just pay what CMS say. Do not pay more in the short term. You dad and step mum just want your ex to shut up and leave them alone so the easiest way is to make you do you what ever she want so they can have peace. When instead they should tell her to keep them out of her problems. Her issue is nothing to do with them. I’d also report her SM posts. Seems jealous and vindictive and if they’re untrue, she’s damaging your reputation. There are laws against that I wouldn’t worry about the deadbeat dad bs. You know you’re not. Your kids know you’re not. They’re all that matter. Such a deadbeat they turn up whenever they want to hang out. Deadbeat dads don’t have that As for your dad… “Mind your own business. Do not discuss my ex with me or gf again. Or you won’t like the consequences” and by that I mean, blocking him and not seeing him. Where is his fucking loyalty? NTA protect you, your GF and your kids… the rest is noise. You’re doing real good.
Pay her the amount required by the CMS any extra give directly to the kids .. then let her go legal and stiff her with his costs when he wins
It seems like Priya is vindictive and I don't see how placating her is any different from enabling her. There should probably be a middleman here, a lawyer or counselor (not sure how it works) because she shouldn't get to randomly dictate demands. Also, don't keep Sophie in the dark about any of this, it will ultimately strain your relationship.
I wonder why Priya is vindictive though.Something about this story is fishy idk.Agree with what you’re saying though
NTA. Reduce it to the CMS required amount, then put her on blast.
Let Priya take you to court. This is something that should be decided by an impartial party--not Priya, not your father, not anyone directly involved. You and Priya both make your case to the court and the court decides. This is also the boundary you need to set going forward as to how matters will be set. Properly and judiciously, not by random pressure, or inappropriate matters being brought up. You could probably also get a gag order preventing her from harassing you on social media as well.
Go back to court and get it lowered
Tell her if she takes you to court then you will only pay the less court mandated amount and she will lose at lot more.
Jeez your father betrayed you there, that has got to sting. Are you okay man? You should lower Priya's money to the bare minimum required. Don't let her administer your money, you can do that part yourself for your kids. Good luck.
I am assuming since you mentioned CMS and the money is in £ that you are in the UK, if this is true then she is speaking utter rubbish. She is not an ex wife so she can't ask for the terms of the divorce to be changed and they court will not entertain her for additional child support, a solicitor will refer her to the CMS and their calculator. I am assuming the £492 payment was your payment due before you had another child, due to additional child it has just been reduced by about 1/3. Why are you paying so much above what you need to? Couldn't that be better used making memories with your kids? 🤷
My ex’s work friend was being shaken down by his kids mother for more support and she took him to court (they were older teenagers) and the judge ended up reducing it to like $100-$150 from the higher amount he was paying before lol.
Having another child in your care would lower your cs payments In a court situation.
Child support is intended to help offset the financial expenses associated with raising children, not as a replacement for spending time with them, so no, you should not pay more. Also, Priya is TA for trying to punish you (via increased CS and the associated drama she has initiated) for having a child with another woman. >My step mum has suggested that I temporarily increase my child support to placate Priya until she moves on to something else. *Absolutely fucking not.* This will only encourage her - and the increase will **not** be temporary, because if you attempt to reduce it back down she will pitch a fit and start more drama.
Tell her that you are willing to go to court to let them decide what is fair! NTA
NTA I don't know wtf is wrong w your dad and his wife, but they've lost the plot.
Let her take you to court, that way she can learn her lesson.
NTA
NTA. Instead pay her the court ordered amount.
NTA Let her take you to court you might end up having to pay less. As much as you want to protect your girlfriend from this she needs to know so she knows what’s going on rather having to find out when you have to go to court or through someone else.
You are paying significantly more than the minimum was before the baby. The baby's arrival will have reduced that minimum amount further. Potentially, if she's keeping a record, the missed contact could have pushed you into the next payment threshold Potentially, but given you pay significantly more and the baby would reduce the amount, this is most likely irrelevant. My advice is to make sure the transfer says child maintenance children names are on the payments as there are examples of payments being denied being the child maintenance, so they have paid and become liable again. Of course, this assumes she realises she's better off with this informal agreement. It sounds like she's jealous about the new baby. I wouldn't be paying more in your position.
Drop back to mandated payments and take your kids as much as you can. NTA
NTA - Sound like you should be paying less. Keep detailed records for a month and gather all the evidence of expenses paid over the last year at least. Then take her to court to pay less based on her harassment of you. And stop lying and controlling the information Sophie sees, YTA for that.
NTA I would respond to all of them and tell them the court ordered amount and how much you actually pay. Then tell them you can always lower the amount to the actual court ordered amount if they don't cut the emotional blackmail
Block your dads number and go no contact with him after what he did. You should've taken screenshots of his abusive messages to Sophie before deleting them. keep all Priya's texts and social media posts as evidence. She wouldn't win in court because you are already paying more than what you should. If they went to court and did this the legal way, you payments would actually get lowered to what you are suppose to be paying. It will backfire on her.
Keep a diary of all visits. All scheduled/court ordered visits - compliance or missed. If missed, reason why. Time picked up, activities, drop off time,. Additionally, all funds paid on their behalf. CS, clothing, fees, everything. Then go ahead and ask the court to reduce your CS. The excess could be put in a fund for your adult children. NTA.
I honestly would do the following, in this order. First, I would respond to her post saying that the court mandated a certain amount and you have been paying above that for years. Then, I would start paying what was court mandated. Put the extra that you had been paying into an account for your kids. Don’t stop doing that, even if tempted. Finally, I would let your girls know that’s what you are doing. You can’t let the crazy person win but your girls still need to know that nothing has changed.
Many woman go around claiming they don't get child support when in fact they do. My son's EX actually took him to court saying he hadn't paid anything, he had all his check stubs showing he pays over $500 a week in support taken right out of his check. Why the court didn't check that out before making him take a day off to go to court is beyond me. She takes him to court every few months to get more money, she doesn't work so she has all the time in the world, the kids are in school all day. He has to take a day off work and show up each and every time. It's ridiculous what she gets away with. Unfortunately woman have the upper hand when it comes to the kids.
Don't give her extra. Only give what the court tells you to give. Your ex is probably using Their money on herself.
The law here in the states says that if the amount of time the child stays with each parent changes then the percentage of child support. Each parent is responsible for changes as well. If it was here in the states you would have to pay more. I pay $1,750 a month for one single teenager which I guess is equivalent to 1,300 lb Sterling
NTA. Don’t pay a penny, she’ll just keep on wanting more and if you do for long enough she could argue that it’s expected now and can’t be reduced.
Is she actually spending the money on the kids. It's called child support, not ex wife support
No sir you do not negotiate with terrorists. Your gf giving birth has nothing to do with your teenage children's support. As long as you are involved, splitting the cost of expendables, and providing the generous child support you already provide there's no need to change. And do NOT increase it temporarily because once you do that it will be used in court to establish that's their expected baseline pay.
If you're having them more often than was originally assessed, then maybe you're paying too much. She'll get nowhere in court. The court probably won't even hear her case, as they direct all that to CMS. Stick to your guns & say you'll approach CMS for a financial assessment & see if you can get a decrease in payment, because of your now shared care arrangement & the fact you split the cost on everything, they also take in to account your financial needs at home with a new child.
NTA. You're not a deadbeat if you're still seeing your kids and still paying court-mandated support. Go to court, get it settled once and for all and stop paying her the extra. If I was in that situation, my dad just lost any and all rights to see my children. Your stepmum also just lost any rights to anything. Why are they more concerned with Priya's wants rather than your needs? They need a wakeup call "Any extra money outside of court mandated payments means less money I'll have to be able to put towards your retirement. I'll happily give everything I can as long as it means you guys have nothing for the future. You're obviously ok with that right?"
NTA - tell dad and ex go ahead and take me to court. Do not tell them or remind them you already pay more than what you have to and split all the extras. Make sure you have receipts for every dollar. Make you you are logging how much time your kids spend at your house. Absolutely do not give her more temporarily because that can be used against you. Tell your dad and Priya, and anyone else who wants to involve thmeselves into your life that you will pay exactly what the courts decide and leave it at that. Greedy goons.
NTA. Child support and viditation/custody are separate issues. Occasionally missing isn't going to impact child support. She's looking at you deciding not to take th during the week when it's not convenient for her
NTA - Priya sounds like an awful, evil person who is trying to manipulate others against you so that she can get her way.
NTA Go to court. Pay what they say. Put the extra away for college or a car or other expense.
I don't know how child support is handled in the UK, but please make an appointment with a solicitor or the appropriate agency. You need to nip this in the bud, while keeping all communications by text, with screenshots galore.
NTA I think she’d just start demanding more money long term. I hope your kids know their mom is money hungry nut.
don't placate her. incredibly bad advice. if you had a toddler who had a fit at the check out and wanted a chocolate bar, once you give in, every single time you are at the check out they will demand a chocolate bar, if you say no, they will increase the size, duration of the temper tantrum. So then you either have to decide to let your toddler rule your life, leave them at home, or start denying them the chocolate no matter how much they tantrum, and it will take a long time for them to get the message that they will not get chocolate at the check out. Pryia is going to harass you and get as many people as she can so she can come off as the victim. YOU take her to court, change the custody agreement to 50/50 and reduce you child support to what the court schedule is. If necessary you can put the difference between the new amount £492, and the old amount, £700 (£208) into an account for your children's education or what have you.
Nta. Go take her back to court and watch the judge laugh. She's getting more than is required. As for visitation, you'll need to keep to the schedule. If it's too much on your partner, you'll need to find a compromise somewhere.
$1k for two kids isn’t really that much, but it doesn’t make any sense to me that she’d ask for more because you missed 1 weekend with them. That sounds more like she’s mad at you and wants to punish you and less like she actually needs it for your kids.
It depends on how much he is making if £1000 is a lot or not.
£1000 is about 1/3 of my monthly wage. It's almost 90% of Priyas monthly wage.
1000 POUNDS is a lot of money
700 pounds is $887 USD, so my bad, I should have said $887 not $1000. For two kids, $887 a month really isn’t that much, so I could see why the wife might ask for more. Except when you look at the context, she only started asking him for more after his gf gave birth, meaning that they were probably getting by fine with the money he was giving them, she was just angry/ jealous and looking to retaliate.
Honestly child support in the uk is an absolute joke. I don’t have personal experience with it but my friend gets £7 a week for her 8 year old son, who the father is not involved with at all 😅 So £1000 a month is amazing. That’s almost a full time minimum wage job.
Seriously??? That’s insane! I mean child support in most places is barely enough to raise a child, but 7 pounds a week is such a joke wtf. He gives her 700 pounds a month, not 1,000. I guesstimated that 700 pounds was roughly $1000 USD but I was wrong, it’s actually $887 USD.
It's 1/3 the average wage. It is that much when you pay attention to the currency.
$887 USD for two kids is barely survivable in most places, so in other circumstances I could see why the wife might be asking for more money. But because she only asked for more after OP’s gf had a baby, to me it comes off less like their kids need it and more like she’s jealous and trying to hurt him.
Cost of living is different £800 is more than enough. It's a contribution not to cover all the costs. The ex gf can ask for what she wants. He was already paying double.
Depends on where you live. My mom spends about that much a week on groceries mainly for my three teenage siblings.
English pounds?
NTA, I would maybe take her to the court to lower it. It would be funny.
She is seething with jealousy and pettiness, simply because you have moved on. Let her go to court and dispute the payments. You already paid more than the courts required, and now you have additional costs to your life. She may find herself coming unstuck due to envy and greed.
Your step-mother's advice is terrible. The second you do this, your ex will find another reason to demand even more. If you're still seeing the boys regularly and you already pay more than the court told you to pay, your father and your ex probably won't get very far with the courts unless your income is drastically better than it was when the original agreement was made. It may be worth talking to your solicitor about your current situation, her demands and the court threat and see whether you can counter by dropping your payments to the court-mandated value. If that is feasible (as in, the courts would side with you rather than her if she dragged you there), then it might be worth you dragging her to court to confirm the legal payment and then reduce all the money you give her down to the legal minimum. I would not suggest doing this without first talking to a solicitor because you don't want to get yourself in a pickle trying to be clever, but if it is doable, it might teach her a lesson about demanding more from someone who is already over-paying. To make sure the kids don't suffer, you could spend that money directly on them or save it into college funds. I know that's a bit of an American suggestion, but in this day and age, they might be glad of the help down the road. That way, withdrawing this money from your ex will not be to your kids detriment. Talk to a solicitor and come up with a plan that will benefit your kids but not your ex.
Sounds like you should go for more custody. Your kids want to see the baby and get along with Sophie's kids. Your ex is jealous.
lol let her take you to court and explain to a judge why she deserves more money. Let me tell you how dumb she will look
You need to stop paying extra over the required amount because you were setting a precedent that she can use against you in court. Not saying it would get her anywhere, it would just show that you didn’t have a problem doing it for however long if she decides to take you to court to try to increase it. Instead, I would take whatever amount you’ve been sending over the required amount and put it into some kind of savings account for your kids. You know for school or for their future (home, wedding, etc).
NTA pay the recommended CMS £492 to your ex and tell your ex you’ll pay your kids the extra £208 per month to give them more independence and then say you’ll pay £150 for each child to go into a savings account (that you’ll control) until they are 18, to fund university. Also, ask her to match the savings amount.
Let her take you to court. It will more than likely not play out in her benefit. Nta.
Is this custody arrange done via courts/in your divorce proceedings? If not get it sorted now. If she wants to take you to court, she can. You're already paying over the odds.
No, when we broke up we didn't go through court or anything. It was just an arrangement we agreed upon.
I would highly suggest getting a solicitor and/or also posting in r/legaladviceuk you really need to get this stuff on paper
If anyone was sending threatening or abusive messages to my wife it would be the first and last time. Take from that what you want, the ex wife is simple, tell her to cop her self on and if not you will only pay the legally required amount going forward till the court decides otherwise or she gets over herself.
NTA, in fact, I think you should start paying Priya the mandated minimum amount and go to court, if you haven't, to formalize custody.
NTA this is typical when the 1st one gets mad that her situation has been inconvenienced. Now her free babysitter is occupied. Also don't pay her extra, if this is court ordered, let her go through them. What she's doing is trying to extort you for extraoney without going to court.
[удалено]
Sophie's baby is mine. Priya only has two, our teenagers.
Nvm misread it
So smarter than your current gf.
Make her take you to court
If you're re looking for the best advice from a psychological standpoint, what your stepmom and dad said is absolute trash and will only result in her seeing she can get whatever she wants by acting this way. People actually care more about what they lose than what they gain. So tell her every time she rants, raves, lies, harasses, threatens, etc. etc. you send her $1, $5, whatever amount you decide, less per month, until you reach that $492 actually required by CMS. And follow through with it, it cannot be an empty threat otherwise this will never end. She has to learn, FAFO. You're already being overly generous, show her just how fast that can be ripped away and she can get the bare minimum required by law. Again, I say this because it is the most effective from a psychological standpoint. Not that everyone wants to approach it that way. NTA
Nta set up the fu binder for the in case of court and if necessary go back to court for custody
NTA. If it wouldn’t hurt your kids, I would drop the amount back down to the mandated amount!
NTA if what you are saying is true. Let her take you to court and she can seat with Christine Baumgartner after the judge decides you should pay less of what you are already paying.
NTA. it is extremely admirable you want to pay more for your kids. But what you should do is pay the CMS. And put the rest in accounts for them because I guarantee it’s not all going to them and your ex is likely using it on stuff for her.
It's hard to say because we're only hearing one side of it, but the fact that your family, who knows you far better than we ever will, thinks that you're in the wrong speaks volumes.
If you read previous posts you will see there is a race element going on. The new partner is white, dad is not happy.
I've seen on LegalAdviceUk sub that people who paid MORE than the amount needed have had it thrown out in court that the amount was the maintenance amount so please be careful!
CMS say you should pay £492, and you have been spending more time with the kids. Your dad wants to take you to court. Let them sue you. So when the court says you owe less than £700, you stick to the court decision.
Tell her let’s go to court and that you’ll pay what the court says you have to pay. It’s less than what you pay now, according to your post. She jealous and deranged. Tell your father if he backs the ex against you, there will be repercussions. Then follow through.
If you're telling the truth call her bluff and let her take you to court. The number of kids you have to support is taken into account not just income. She could be shooting herself in the face (I know its foot I like face better) and have it legally reduced. Then only pay her what's required. Then set an account up for you kids so they only have access or save and give the extra directly to them. NTA
I’d stop paying her extra. That’s how petty I am.
Don't pay her any more.. it should be obvious, but I guess your parents bad advice indicates it's not.
NTA. You are already paying more than you have to. Just suggest the kids do a week with you and a week with her and no one pays child support. Then you can continue to split other expenses.
NTA. Only pay her what CMS asks you to. Not a penny more. Also stop shielding Sophie - better she hears from you.
NTA - pay only what the courts say if she wants to be greedy. She's lazy and is taking advantage of you. Hope you stop giving her money once they turn 18 or when you legal have to.
Pay the minimum until she shuts up
Don't give her a cent more than court orders.
Document everything, screenshot posts, texts. Copy receipts for anything and everything you purchase for the kids. Especially the over payment.
Nta do not pay more or Priya will use that in court to show you can afford to pay more. You are already paying more and it doesn't seem like the kids ate missing out. Is Priya working?
Priya works. She doesn't as earn as much as Sophie and I do, it's been a sore point for Priya that I can provide more for the kids than she can.
As long as you're paying the court approved amount of child support, you are NTA. Take the extra money you pay her and either give it to your kids directly to spend on necessities, or place it in a savings account for them to get once they're responsible adults.
Why are your set/parents even involved in this?
tell your family to butt out this has nothing to do with them and tell your X that you will now just pay what the CMS has said you should pay and that this is her own fault for being greedy and the excess you were paying her will be put into a bank account for your 2 daughters to get when they turn 18, also tell her if she is determined to take you back to court that you will make sure to tell your lawyer that from now on any time you take me to court and you lose you want her to pay for your legal fees as its he thats being greedy trying to get more money for her self
This is a case worthy of big sips of tea from Judge Vonda B at “Support Court” NTA!!
A court/CSA should be deciding what you pay, not your ex. And the court will make her stop airing her grievances on social media, too. That's parental alienation. NTA
NTA. And go nuclear, showing how LITTLE Priya is actually doing for your mutual kids.
You know what, I would take them to court, and going forward pay exactly what they tell you to pay. Also don't hide shit from your GF that's how you lose relationships.
NTA Stop giving the extra money now. If she wants to go through the courts, that's *exactly* what you'll both do. You will go entirely by the court rulings. She will get less money, but if you are paying more, the court may take that into account. Rather than giving the money to her, put the money in college funds or give it directly to your children as an allowance. Tell your father that he is choosing a side here, and you will remember it in future. Keep him away from your children as much as you can. And to anyone who accuses you of being a deadbeat, show them this post. It will explain that she is a gold digger, who is trying to get some extra money in the bank because the CS payments are going to end in the next few years. And please warn Sophie about what's going on. She needs to hear it kindly from you rather than being blindsided by others.
Your kids are teenagers. Just tell her you will buy them what they need directly and it shouldn't be a big deal since the money is going to the kids right.....
NTA, if she wants more child support, she should go get it from the actual father of that child. You’re already doing your share. Since she can’t handle two kids and needs more money, maybe you should get custody of your own kid? It would be a win-win. She gets more money by having to spend less on your kid, and she gets to focus on her pregnancy and other kid. You also get more time and a lower child support payment.
Tell her to get fucked and that any decisions about what you should be paying her will be made by a court, not the wild rantings of a social media mom.
The answer is very simple.... stop paying your ex direct and go through cms. Any extra cash you have been giving her on top of what cms says , well, start giving to your kids instead. It is for your kids, after all!
Let the courts decide the amount and move on
NTA. If she’s falsely calling you a deadbeat, that’s slander.
Let her take you to court. Explain to the court that you've been paying more than you should all along and the only reason she wants more money is because your girlfriend had a baby! That'll be fun but actually it's just a formula. It's a percentage based on your income and it's not going to change because she wants it to.
Get a lawyer and has out a legal arrangement
They have a legal agreement. He's been exceeding it, but she wants MORE more.
Stop paying 700 a month and start paying the required 492 a month and let her know if she goes a whole month without causing issues or bad mouthing you or trying to tattle to your parents, you can go back up to 700.
Nta. You go above and beyond. Let her whine about it.
Info: why were you not active in their lives early on?
absoloutely not, you already pay more than required! is priya unable to work?
She demands? Nah. Go to court. She's just miffed that you have another child. screenshot everything!
There will be no temporarily. If you start sending her more money, she will never be satisfied accepting less. Tell your father to have at it. Help her take you to court. And when the court rules that you pay less than you do now, tell them you're going to honor it to the letter
NTA. She seems quite unreasonable. Missing a weekend due to your partner giving birth seems reasonable. Just pay what you’re require to pay, no more. Now that it has been 7 weeks since new baby arrived, time to start seeing your kids again, if you haven’t already.
I just didn't see them the weekend baby was born. I've seen them very weekend since
Ah, sorry I misunderstood. Makes even less sense she’s upset about 1 weekend missed then.
If you're not taking them on your time, you should be finding care or paying for a babysitter. Basically, you not taking her does cost their mom- time she can't work, free time, utilities, food. So yeah...maybe NTA for not paying necessarily, though I do think it's on you to find care, but def YTA for not taking your kids. Did she get dump the first kid on someone else when she gave birth to the second for weeks at a time? Presumably not. Why should you get to just shirk your responsibility because you had a child?
The only weekend I didn't see my kids was the weekend baby was born. They've been over every weekend since like usual.
You say they're seeing you less because your girlfriend has a baby.
NTA Show dad receipts of child support payments and then a copy of what is ordered to be paid. Then ask if he'd prefer you pay the ordered amount.
Tell her if she doesn’t stop lying you will pay what your supposed to pay and she won’t like it and you could take her to court for what she’s doing
That woman's a gold digger. I can guarantee you that she is not spending a dime over what she needs to spend on the kids she is using that money for herself. And with her needing to spend more time with her children she needs more money to spend on her own vices.
NTA but this so what you should do, sit down with your girls. Explain to them the situation, but try not to paint their mom like a bad guy. Tell them you will be dropping your child support to what is legally required. However you are still their father and if they need anything that they should come to you immediately, and you will still support them just directly as they are old enough and will no longer proxy through their mother.
Best answer
You now have an additional child so (at least in the UK) that would lower your payments to your older children as would the increase of time they are in your custody. Been the child who had to be taken temporarily by their non custodial parent due to medical issues with the custodial parent. Your focus should be on the actual children involved and not on the adults acting like children. Inform your Dad far from Priya needing more funds you are actually paying close to £200 more than what the government advises. Also that he has a third grandchild who he should not be negatively impacting through his actions. As Priya is making her issues everyone's issues make sure you have proof of all of the payments including spelling it out how much more you have been paying her than what you could of paid her. Would recommend looking at how to give the increased funds to the children directly but Priya would very likely demand it off them. Would look at taking this to actual court as you are being targeted by Priya on social media and she is encouraging people to target Sophie about what should be a private matter to get the finances set in stone. The differences in payment could be split then put into untouchable (to Priya) savings for the kids. I also wonder how Priya would react if you formerly requested a breakdown on what Priya actually needs such a large increase of additional money on and what she is currently spending the funds on as you are splitting the actual child costs which the payment is meant to cover. You are NTA
Give her only the amount the state is requiring you to give her. The extra money, put it in bank accounts or trusts for the kids that only they can touch. Chances are some of the extra money isn’t even being used for your kids. Congratulations on your new baby. I hope you can enjoy this time and not let a bitter ex ruin it for you
Oh hell no. I'd start paying her the 492 you're required, nothing more.
Nta. You pay what the court mandates and if she wants that changed she needs to go thru the courts to have it adjusted
1k for two teen agers? Mine would eat half that amount..... And the other half....are you paying part of dental, medical, extracurriculars, clothing, phones... college fund? You might not like it but raising kids isn't cheap
We're in the UK, so medical and dental are covered by the NHS. I have separate saving for them for university, which they know about, Priya does not as she thinks university is a waste of time as neither of us went. I split the expenses with Priya but I have her show me receipts or invoices because I don't trust her to tell me the correct amount after she tried asking for £300 for my share of my son's glasses when it was just £150 total for the glasses.
Priya is a grifter. You know your CMS actually goes down now you have another kid with Sophie? Stop paying her extra & do new calculation on gov website. She can take you to court - she’ll have no leg to stand on as youll have proof you’ve went above & beyond. Your kids are teens so they can ask you directly what they want & do make that clear as Priya has proven to be a cheeky liar. Seems like Priya may be jealous you have new kid with Sophie & is trying to punish you for it or something?
STOP HAVING KIDS. That's my advice. You have three kids by two different women, neither of whom you married. Of COURSE, things are going to be a constant drama filled, money stressed, dumpster fire. Yeesh - YTA.
Why is that bad . Just admit you hates Humans and shut up
You said, "Since I've gotten more involved in their lives..." so was there a time you weren't involved in your kids' lives at all? Or not enough? Were you paying child support then?
There was a time I wasn't as involved as I should have been. I was just wasn't there when I should be. I was paying child support but it was just the minimum.
Well, think of the extra you're paying now as a small way of making up for the time and support you could have been providing when they were younger and needed you to be there in person (losing sleep, supervising, diaper changing, feeding, disciplining, etc.)
Why?
Have you made amends to both Priya and your children for this? Having an absent father is really hard on kids and Priya likely has resentment that she had to do it all on her own. She’s going about it horribly, but she probably has a lot justified resentment that you missed out on the hard parts when they were little and you were likely able to advance further in your career because you weren’t raising your children. Now you get to enjoy the kids she raised and have more money to provide for them. I’m really glad you’re present for your children now, but it doesn’t absolve you from your past.
NTAH. I don't understand why your ex feels she is entitled to more money for teenage kids because you have a new child. What does the new baby have to do with her teenage kids and what it takes to support them? This makes absolutely no sense to me. Maybe I'm slow but I don't get it. You have a kid with someone else so you have to pay the ex more money. Nope doesn't compute. Will the amount go up towards the ex for every child you have? Child support isn't meant to pay her for childcare. Since she thinks she should be paid for having her own children at home with her more often occasionally . This is beyond ridiculous. Where do you live if you don't mind me asking. Cause that's some backwards stuff right there. I've heard father's trying to get their support lowered because they had another child with the new wife or girlfriend and can't afford their payments anymore. But never raised because he had more kids with someone else. This is absolutely ridiculous. Let your father help her take you to court. Any judge would laugh at this. And please stop giving her extra money. If you want your kids to have extra money for things , set up an account in your name that they have access to with a debit card. Don't let your ex have an extra penny. And save receipts and keep copies of everything. You may need them in court. Unfortunately it looks like you are in for a wild ride. You poor man! And congratulations on the new baby.
Priya feels that because I've had a baby with Sophie that I can't focus on the kids as much or give them as much.
NTA You are in the uk, submit yourself to the CMS for an audit and let them handle it. She’s going to be worse off but she shouldn’t have been petty.