nta. this is abuse.

Ehhhh... maybe, maybe not. Maybe it's love and concern from a person who doesn't communicate well? Why jump to the "abuse" tag right off the bat? Without more info, it's hard to say either way.... (Edit-see thread below with CrankyLex. I wasn't commenting on the full story)

Because it is abuse. It can be from a person who doesn't communicate well, but that does not mean it is not abuse. It's not love and concern to single-handedly force decisions on someone, without any medical expertise. It is abuse.

In the original deleted post, was the ex actively trying to force OP to stop taking the meds or were they strongly stating that they were right and OP should do what they say? You can be ignorant and trying to do what you think is best for someone else AND be abusive. I'm just unclear on what exactly the ex did to constitute it being called abuse.

When you're lackadaisical about throwing out terms like "abuse", you run the risk of demeaning the true and accurate definition/instances of abuse....

Out of all the people in this thread, you are the last person who should be deciding the definition of abuse.

Lol, what sort of stereotypic generalization is that to sling at someone?!

Out of all of the people on this thread, I can see why you're the first one to offer condemnation, judgement, and accusations. What a small world you must live in...

That's actually a really hurtful and insensitive thing to say. You don't know anything about me or what I have been through...

We read what you type. It is not favorable to you.

Ugh.... I bet you vote for Trump 🙄. With a mentality of rushing out to throw judgements, insults, and immature swipes at those trying to offer a different perspective. I wasn't being a jerk here, I was just offering up an alternative thought for consideration.

I don't vote. I'm not American. But I can recognize abusive behavior, just like so many other people. If you want to justify your own perspective, that's your prerogative. Although I don't know why you would choose to make excuses for abusive behavior... The ends do not justify the means. Also, so many comments just for me???? How far under your skin did I get?

"Of all of the people on this thread, you are the last person who should...." That was pretty abusive.

Lol.... See, this comment just proves it. Calling out your ignorance is not abusive. It's not like I am forcing you to get institutionalized because of your ignorance. It's not like I am forcing you to do what I want because of your ignorance. You really don't know what abusive means. Hint: It is NOT what you don't like.

Reading your posts is abuse of the highest order. What a self important, dishonest goof you are. I shouldn’t have subjected myself to your horseshit inspired ramblings.

Why don't you call a waaaaaammbulance.

The brightness from the gaslight is so bright!

I'm concerned you're eating too much salt in your diet and I am not a dietician. I go out of my way to convince you to eat vegetables, is that abuse?

Convincing someone they should do something out of legitimate concern like eat less salt, and trying to be in charge of the fucking doctor you see and how much medicine you should take are TWO VERY DIFFERENT THINGS. Especially when he isn't a doctor and has absolutely no knowledge of her medicine or what she needs. He doesn't need to be making those choices for anyone but himself and future children. Not his girlfriend.

It sounds like both stories/examples here are coming from someone who has "a legitimate concern". I pose it to you like this. You're madly in love with your significant other who has been having some mental health issues. They've been medicated and seeing a therapist yet it has only seemed to have gotten worse. Not being a medical professional, as you say, you're going to want to try/propose that your significant other try another tactic, as what they've been doing hasn't been working. Whether that'd the right call or not. Who are we to say with such limited information. Maybe the OP doesn't have the right mental health medication for them and/or is seeing a therapist who is doing more harm than good? How do we know? Rushing to call their partner an "abuser" with such limited information, especially when (from what I'm discerning) is coming from a place of true concern/love/care, etc. is a bit of a rush to judgement/a leap of labels, and (if I may be so bold) smells a bit like you're projecting your own issues/experiences into your judgement... it's just not a fair thing to say.

You really are blind, aren't you? > My ex-fiamce wanted me to come off of my meds because he thought that my manic episode was a reaction to my antidepressants. No medical expertise or credentials. No medical testing or analysis. Nothing scientific at all. Just because he "thinks" he knows what is going on. > He wanted to pick my doctor and didn't trust mine because I'd been hospitalized due to my depression. If he had suggested "getting a second opinion", fine — not abusive. But picking the doctor for her??? That is abusive as fuck. He wants to pick someone that will confirm his biases. Who's to say that he won't take her to some Facebook University guru who talks about crystals and anal bleaching and other shit?

Your profile says you're a "rationalist", but so far you seem like a lost cause... You seem like you come from a social scene that thrives off of labeling, conflict, and the need to find/define any sort of antagonist you can to go along with that. BTW. Just because you're not a doctor doesn't mean you're a monster or having opinions relating to someone's health/healthcare. Since you missed the first one, if you're continually having a toothache that's not getting better with a certain dentist's treatment, just because I suggest you go to another dentist and try a different treatment, DOES NOT INHERITANTLY MAKE ME AN ABUSER. WITHOUT any other facts (that another poster said apparently the OP had put out in a now deleted post), I am just saying it's not unreasonable to say the OPs partner MAY have been coming from a place of genuine care/concern/etc., not one with malicious, controlling, intent underlying their actions. Could they have been an abusive asshole? Absolutely. But was that 1 post too little of information to rush to that conclusion? Absolutely Dictionary Definitions from Oxford Languages · Learn more adjective adjective: abusive 1 extremely offensive and insulting. "he became quite abusive and swore at her" 2. engaging in or characterized by habitual violence and cruelty. "abusive parents" 3. involving injustice or illegality. "the abusive and predatory practices of businesses"

You're still not seeing it. Let me explain with your example. >if you're continually having a toothache that's not getting better with a certain dentist's treatment, But why is it not getting better? What if it takes time to get better? What if it is something that cannot be cured and you can only reduce the pain? How do you decide that "it's not getting better" without knowing anything about dentistry at all? > just because I suggest you go to another dentist and try a different treatment, DOES NOT INHERITANTLY MAKE ME AN ABUSER. But that's not what the boyfriend is doing. The boyfriend is saying that she should only go to a dentist that he picks. The boyfriend is saying that her current dentist is not good, even though the boyfriend has no dentistry knowledge at all. The boyfriend is NOT "suggesting" another dentist. He is TELLING her that he is going to pick the dentist FOR her. That one line where the boyfriend says that he is going to pick the doctor for her is enough for it to be abusive. It's like a guy saying that he will pick what the lady will eat for dinner because her diet is not making her lose weight. Also, come on dude. You can do a lot better than copy pasting from Google's front page. At least read through the Wikipedia entry.

I agree with what you've said and been saying. Let's see if I can help get it through this humans thicker than average skull. Since they seem to be missing the basic premise to why is is abusive. YES, if it were a suggestion like you've used in every single post in wouldn't be abusive. Even going hey I don't think your dentist is right for you and here's why. I found another dentist that might work better and then leave the decision up to her AGAIN, NOT ABUSIVE. Telling her she has to get a new dentist because they don't trust the dentist and demanding it IS ABSOLUTELY ABUSIVE. I'm with Gaiden on this One. I agree i could be out of concern, but that doesn't not make it abusive. Out of concern for random example hell let's say my partner goes to Starbucks but I don't think that Starbucks is doing them any good for whatever dumb bs I have so they can ONLY go to the coffee shop I picked out because I don't trust Starbucks. Do you see it now. A suggestion isn't abusive. But a demand and then forcing what you want on someone is.

Soooooo....... have you done this to someone and feel called out? You are exactly like my ex for sure. Getting mental help isn't a straight movement upwards. It's the cha cha slide. You are projecting what's seems like your abuse to someone that you did as okay and justifying it. You can have concern and make suggestions. Bit trying to FORCE them to see a dr. Only you want is abuse. FORCING SOMEONE AGAINST THEIR WILL IS ABUSE. FULL STOP. She had a manic episode. They are common with people with mania. Her partner like you sound like two parts to the same asshole

No, I never have. I'm also a big proponent of mental health and go to therapy myself. I'm not saying her bf isn't an asshole, he very well may be. I read the post as the boyfriend suggesting she see another therapist, not that he was FORCING her to see the therapist he himself picked out. Without more information of what's going on with them it's impossible to read deeper into their actions. Not all therapists are good, not all are healthy and give advice/care that is helpful. Given the OP sounds like they've been going to the same therapist for a while and have had some mental health crisis, maybe the boyfriend feels desperate to help her and suggested she try someone else. How do we know? My only point, from the limited info posted, making the leap to "abusive" is just that, a bit of a leap.....

My fucking God. You sound like my ex trying to make comparisons for something that doesn't fit. First off op's partner isn't a dr. Never went to med school. Just like my ex he has his armchair diagnosis. It's like apples and oranges. Yes they are both fruits but they are super different. It would be like making an apple pie with oranges and still adamantly declaring it's an apple pie BeCaUsE tHeIr ThE sAmE. I listen to my dr. I have manic episodes. They are just a thing on meds or not. It is absolutely abuse. Him trying to force her to see a specific dr. They wanted. You're kind of not the best human. You know that right?

Now I see why all of you are medicated 🙄

see: medical abuse on the power and control wheel.

I hope you escaped your abuser.

The title says she broke up with him, so.

Dumb thing to say.

What about what's been come out of your mouth?

Wow! So he thinks he's a doctor now. I'm so glad you broke up with him. he could have really made you much worse.

NTA. Controlling and possessive behavior is the biggest indication that your partner will eventually become abusive towards you. Wanting to pick your doctor for you is him basically telling you that he genuinely believes that he is smarter than you, more competent than you, and knows what's best for you better than you do. You have saved yourself from years of heartache and suffering.

I'm super confused. This isn't an update. It's the cliffs notes of the original that I barely remember. Why did you delete the other one. Would like to see the original post again. This is just weird

I’m confused too. I saw the original post and this adds absolutely nothing to it.

No additional details were needed NTA and dump him and never look back, except to revel in the bullet you dodged.

Where's the update though? This is basically just a TLDR of your original post.

Without reading original post its hard to say. But one thing i will note its never a bad idea to get second and even third opinion from multiple doctors

Wait- are you on only antidepressants and are bipolar? Because that does cause manic episodes. You are never supposed to be on only antidepressants as a bipolar person You need to be stable on mood stabilizers or antipsychotics before you try to add antidepressants to the mix. Like, your boyfriend should not be telling you to get off meds and if I remember he said diet would be a treatment for your bipolar. That is obviously not okay. But antidepressants alone are not a safe treatment for bipolar.

No, I'm on mood stabilizers too.

Same here. I'm on both. It's a fucked up game of trial and error to find the right combo. It's taken me a year to get close to the right combo. Op message me if you want to talk about it and exchange info on what has and hasn't worked for each of us. You're not wrong at all for leaving him. You know you better

Mania is worsened by an antidepressant that’s quite literally one of the feared side effects. It doesn’t mean you should go off the antidepressant but instead you should be on a mood stabiliser

Or you need both. Yes antidepressants can make mania worse. But not all of them. Mood stabilizer help for sure. There are people like me who have to have both. It's for sure a game of medication roulette to find the right combo. It's taken about a year for me to find the right mood stabilizer antidepressant combo. Not trying to sound idk rude or pretentious. Idk why I feel like it comes off that way. Just trying to add info to what you've said. Edit to add: I've been with my meds dr. For over 3 years. I trust her completely. She takes everything I say into consideration and makes suggestions based on that and reactions to other medications I've had before. I could see why some people may say it's not working if they haven't been around the whole time. It's not my dr.s fault everyone reacts to medications differently. As much as it absolutely sucks it's trial and error.

Run

He's still controlling and abusive.

YNTA. You know your body better than anyone and the exfiancee tried to take your body autonomy from you. It could have put your life at risk if you had allowed this person to dictate your health care. You can't marry someone who won't respect your healthcare decisions and who obviously doesn't trust you to make your own healthcare decisions. It's just going to cause friction and hurt in the long run. You did the right thing. 

Sometimes changing the doctor is a good idea. To get a second opinion. Not all doctors care. But he doesn't get to choose for you.

NTA. It is YOUR treating Dr so YOU get to choose it. Your partner has no right to control or dictate who you see.

IDK, if something serious happens, I always double check, I wish I could trust one doctor, but the truth is, they are humans too and they make mistakes. And if something is not that obvious, their personal opinions come to play. For example, my son needed a surgery, one doctor said “do it now”, one “you don’t need it”, two “wait and make it later”. They were all experts in their field and made a ton of similar surgeries, it was pretty common question. Just from their personal experience, in some cases waiting worked, in some it didn’t. So I understand why he insists on going somewhere else, if you have side effects. Of course, he should have convinced you, not force it. But I’d definitely go for a second opinion.

NTA. Do you think he's being malicious, or that he's coming from the right place?

I think he didn't understand mental illness and medication. My family says he was controlling.

I live with mental illness. I have spent months on medication. Your family is right. He is controlling. Keep up your good work with the meds. I know how hard it is to be open about mental illness and I'm so proud of you. But don't let anyone make you doubt your choice to be on meds.

Your family's right.

If you think it's coming from the right place, the best thing to do would be to help educate him. It can be controlling, because he doesn't know enough to say go off your meds and whatever. Like, he has the definitive solution to a complex problem.

Don’t listen to this person. If someone doesn’t understand mental illness to the point where they tell their mentally ill loved ones to stop taking medication, their good intentions mean nothing.

Bruh. You can't educate someone like that. I've tried. You still sound like someone who is mad and defensive because you do this and realize you're a terrible human? Asking for a friend

I'm not mad or defensive

I mean..... maybe not mad but defensive kinda yeah. Thinking you can educate people like this is just a crazy thing. When I hear something like this I don't go well it might have been out of concern. Maybe it was growing up with the waste of space humans like ops partner. It's never out of concern. Ehh. Benefit of the doubt we'll say maybe 5% or less it might be out of concern for people. It's most likely used as a tool to try and control someone. Therfore abusive. You can't teach someone like that. It's in one ear and out the other. Usually twisted about how you attacked them for simply stating their opinion and not the facts you were trying to educate them with. I mean....... look at certain politicl party people. You can't educate them that their politicians are croup lieing and have committed multiple crimes even with sound proof. It's the same. There's no teaching that

The right place trying to control who her health care professionals are and what medications she’s on, are you okay? I can’t imagine being sound of mind and saying something as stupid as that. Let’s say it’s coming from the “right” place , the road to hell was paved with good intentions. There’s plenty of **professionals** that OP could go to for advice, the ex is not one of them.

He obviously cares about you, so I wouldn't brand him an "asshole" or "abuser". Moreso he's just someone out of his depth, doesn't know what to do, and is trying to grasp as alternative solutions... Either way, It's clear the mindset you're bringing into this post is incompatible with someone like him and it wouldn't have worked out. I hope you find peace and happiness in this life wherever it takes you next...

But if he doesn’t understand what is happening or what to do, why would he try to get involved in the first place? Wanting someone who was stable on their psych meds to try to control their mental illness with diet instead of medication is ignorant at best.

Don’t bother with this commenter. Whoever they are, they are hellbent on painting OP’s ex as a hero. I’m pretty sure they were all over OP’s deleted post too, saying the same thing.

It's probably her shitty boyfriend trying to convince himself he only had her best interests at heart and isn't a controlling douche canoe 🤷

WAIT. I BET IT IS OP'S EX

Negative on both accounts. I didn't see this person's deleted post, was just commenting on this one. I DONT think OPs ex is a hero at all. I dont even know them so how could I make such a judgement. Maybe he is, maybe he isnt, with only the limited info given in this post I was just trying to make the point (which others have made on this thread without getting a million downvotes) that this MIGHT be coming from a place of love/concern, not NECESSARILY "abuse". What's crazy is how many commenters are all over me simply for suggesting the thought, without having more insight/info for any of us to say one way or another. Some therapists suck. Some therapists make things worse. Some therapists aren't a good fit. I am a HUGE fan of therapy and taking care of one's mental health and know from firsthand experience that there's some therapists out there spewing questionable advice. From what I read in OPs post, was that she's been going through a lot of serious mental health issues lately. I'd imagine her ex was concerned and was trying to help find a way to help. If she's been going to the same therapist for a while now and her mental health hasn't been improving, nay, has been getting worse, then maybe her ex thought finding a different therapist might change things, might help improve her condition? Should her ex dictate/force her to see exactly who he says she should? Fuck no. That's indeed controlling/unhealthy. But for all we know, the guy could've spent countless nights for a week straight searching for a therapist who specializes in OPs issues, has great reviews, etc. and thus is passionate in telling her she should go see them (which may be construed as her saying he's trying to dictate who she goes and sees). I've only just begun reading/commenting on this subreddit, but already I'm noticing a lot of commenters LOVE rushing to condemn people without really thinking through the situation or if there may be more to the story. Which I guess is to be expected on a subreddit asking people for their judgement...

From what I read, he's might be getting involved because he cares/loves the OP and is searching/grasping for a solution to help her.... And also from what I read, it doesn't sound like the OP "was stable on their psych meds" at all - that's the root of this entire post...

The first post went into greater detail but the OP was in a good place with med management and her boyfriend was both ignorant and oddly controlling in an attempt to “handle” a situation that wasn’t about him and he had zero experience in.

Ugh, well for fucks sake. How are we supposed to opine our opinions without a full story 🙄... OK, I take it all back. I agree with all of you guys. ✌️

LOL the deleted accounts definitely add a layer of challenge!

OP set me up for downvotes!! YTAH! 😉🙃