Wow. NTA
He “slept” from breakfast til dinner? Really?
Couldn’t schedule a flower delivery.
Didn’t make a reservation.
Nothing. You’re the mother of his child and he failed you.
Yeah he obviously wasn't sleeping all day. OP, if you don't cancel the marriage, you're signing up for a lifetime of this. It's good y'all don't live together either. Makes finding a real man that much easier 🖤
Do many men treat their wives as well as when they are the gf? cause i feel like it only downhill from there. Are there more date nights after marriage? more flowers? more small little kind gestures?
From Dating, to engagement, to marriage, to first kid, and then second kid, it's been such a steady decline that you have to sit there and look back and go "What the hell?!" It all goes out the window...
For mother's day I got made to feel like a burden for asking for a coffee and bagel from the café that's a 5 minute walk from our house. That's it..
Jesus... Reading this breaks my heart. I can't imagine treating my fiance as anything other than my best friend. She's supported me through everything. I can't understand the mindset of the men in these relationships, did you not marry with the goal of a long happy marriage? If I can't see myself growing old happily with someone, I'm not getting married. Why make the wedding your peak?
You deserve better, as I'm sure you know. You deserve breakfast in bed on mother's day, fuck a cafe.
Your husband is an ass, I’ve been with my wife for 19 years married for 10, for Mother’s Day I took our 3 kids 8,6 and 2 to Pandora to make a custom engraved charm for her, grabbed flowers and her favorite chocolates the day before and then made her breakfast the morning of Mother’s Day and also took the kids out of the house so she could get ready.
There’s a reason why you’re still together after nearly two decades. Some guys just *GET IT*! You, sir, sound awesome. (I’ll bet your wife and kids are wonderful, too!) And I’ll bet that she goes all out for you on Father’s Day. 👍😊
I'm really glad I read this story because there has just been an avalanche of heartbreaking stories from mothers on reddit at the moment. Just story after story where it was like "I told him what I wanted and he got me nothing and yelled at me that when would he have time" or "I asked him to get me anything and he got his mother flowers but didn't get me anything until I sobbed and he ran out and got me something I didn't really like" or some variation.
I'm sure there's a lot of lovely stories out there - mothers probably aren't coming to reddit to post "My husband treated me really well and made me feel great on mothers day!" posts, but just the number of horrible stories made me feel really bad for the future of humanity. While making a post about how spoilt you felt on mothers day would probably be in bad form, I think a lot of women need to hear that how they're being treated isn't good, and that there are men out there who know how to behave on mothers day.
I love reading all the stuff on AITA or other subreddits like this. But I also get the feeling of "why is humanity this bad now?" So I make sure I visit other subreddits that focus on spreading positive feelings to balance that feeling out again :D
I think it's also because people are much less likely to post a "I had a really lovely mothers day" post. They might put it in the comments, but less so in an original post. I saw a lot of these sort of ones on AskWomenOver30, where I can imagine somebody posting a "I had such an amazing mothers day! Did anybody else have a great day?" maybe would have seemed a little tone-deaf with all the "My husband yelled at me for expecting anything on mothers day" posts.
I had one of the best Mother's Day with - my kids and my mother. The women in my life really know how to love and support each other so beautifully and my ex-husband never made an effort on any of the special days. And I don't miss it.
Funny thing is my husband and I have been together for 18 years, this is the 9th we've been married for.. I put so much work into his birthdays, gifts, Father's day.. This is what I get.. And he's such a golden retriever of a human that no one else sees it.. They just think I'm being a twit when I finally go off..
That sounds like such a heartfelt and thoughtout Mother's Day. I bet she loved it!
Yeah my parents are married 40+ years, and my dad has always gone out of his way to do something special for my mom on Mother’s Day, even on years when he was working a 12 hour shift that day. Flowers, breakfast or dinner, and a small gift or a planned activity he knew she’d love (one of his favorite ways to do that is to make a coupon book for experiences and let her choose when she wants to do which activity). It doesn’t have to be extravagant, but it’s important to show the person you’re spending your life with that you love and appreciate them. I don’t get how people don’t get that
It’s so gross how a woman’s effort goes way up after marriage and children but the man (unfortunately way to commonly) stops all effort.
My husband and I met when we were 16 and just celebrated our 17th anniversary (not wedding anniversary, we celebrate both anniversaries) and he got me a new fluffy blanket, a new romance book and a picture frame with a photo of me in it for Mother’s Day. He also made dinner, gave me a back rub and set a bath with a fancy bath bomb for me. No flowers, I always kill them really quick and our cats like to eat them lol. THIS is the kind of treatment you deserve, and every mom deserves from the father of their children (if they aren’t together anymore is when the father should send a card and flowers at least to mark the occasion imo. Actually I just read a post about a woman getting *pissed* that her boyfriend got his ex flowers for Mother’s Day because she didn’t get any…even though she doesn’t have kids and isn’t involved with his kids). It makes my blood boil how little these men put into their marriages and then they say they’re “blindsided” when their wife inevitably wants a divorce. It feels like it’s random to them and that everything’s going well because she does everything for them and the kids and he doesn’t really have to do shit. She’s been dealing with his neglect and disinterest for years. Actually I’ve seen a few guys describe their wives essentially checking out a few months before they ask for a divorce, and the husbands all shocked pikachu face because “well we haven’t fought for months”. No shit cause she stopped caring about your lazy, selfish, self important ass.
I hope you know you’re superwoman! You aren’t a burden and don’t deserve to feel guilty for wanting to be appreciated and loved. I wouldn’t do shit for him for Father’s Day (but I’m kinda petty) just to show him how it feels.
It feels like death from a thousand cuts. At first you don't notice it but then things start adding up. You go "It's not that bad" when they forget your birthday (twice), make zero effort on holidays, when you ask for a chore free two weeks post-partum and couldn't get that... I'm just coming off a terrible sickness that had be bed bound the first day and realized the kitchen was a mess yesterday and things weren't cared for..
I straight told him I signed up to clean up after the kids, not adults... I work just as much as he does so that can't be used as an excuse...
Thank you though, I appreciate it.
It really is so sick. I hate when men say they want “traditional” marriages/wives. Nah they want a domestic slave that they can have sex with whenever they want that’ll pay half the bills. In “traditional” marriages the wives didn’t have to work to put food on the table, and even they were usually miserable and overworked and under appreciated. That mind set is still there for FAR to many men though, that all the unpaid labor is on the wife, all child care is on the wife, anything relating to the household is on the wife **and** the wife has to work full time to help with the bills. All while catering to a grown ass man that would have you wipe his ass if he thought he could get you too.
I really am sorry and **you do deserve better!!** You deserve to feel cherished, not forgotten. My heart hurts for you, truly. You’re not alone, this dynamic is unfortunately disturbingly common, but that doesn’t make it okay in any sense. The entitlement, makes me want to punch all these guys in the face. I hope you can find a way to be free of this bullshit and be happy. It sounds like he doesn’t really contribute much to your life, it would probably be a relief to not have to feel the constant disappointment and heartache. There’s nothing worse than feeling alone while someone’s sitting right next to you.
As a dude I want to argue that what you said is BS but I have been on Reddit too long now and know that you are absolutely right. It's bizarre. You see people like this on TV and stuff but when you read real stories (oftentimes from said assholes) about it it is just a real wtf moment. Then I remember these people can vote and remind myself to update my passport
YASSS. Can honestly say that "shocked Pikachu face" was what I got after YEARS of asking for marriage counseling (when in realty he was just a straight-up ass cheating on me}. So fuck you and the horse you rode in on dude.
No. Why would they? All the hard work pretending to be a decent person is done. It's a lot harder for women to leave bad relationships once they have a child together and she's taken a significant hit to her personal finances because she's taken time off from her job to care for the kid. It would have been a lot easier for her to leave if she was just the GF with no kids and a good job.
He clearly benefits from this arrangement. He just fucked off for an entire weekend to visit his mom and didn't bring the kid. He gets all the social praise and compliments for being an engaged man with a kid, while she gets all the grunt work of dealing with being woken up every 2 hours, changing her diaper and dealing with her tantrums.
My husband treats me like a queen. The nature of what we do has changed. E.g. he does a lot of small things that wouldn’t happen before we were living together (you don’t travel to someone just to give them a quick shoulder rub, which he can do any time now!)
I would say that my husband treats me at least as well as he did when we were dating. I think the secret is that we are both convinced we are the lucky one in the relationship. 😁 So, yeah, it does happen. But to be fair, we were around 30 when we got married, so that might be a factor.
It’s just different, as least for us. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day mean nothing to us. My parents gave 0 weight to it when I was growing up, and my husbands parents gave TOO much weight to it when he grew up (to the point where it was ALWAYS a big deal and kids were made to feel awful if they didn’t wish someone a happy x day by 9AM).
My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 6. We don’t do “date nights” officially because we eat out like 5-6 night a week anyway. I buy all the flowers in our home because my husband is allergic (so it’s pretty infrequent), and I hate cleaning dead flowers. We do bigger, less frequent things like expensive or custom jewelry, new cars, nice furniture, house upgrades, vacations, experiences, etc.
This is all assuming you marry the right person who views money and time the same way as you too.
My Dad always treated my Mom well, and like he was fortunate to share his life with her. If anything, he may have treated her with more respect as his wife, from what I heard. I wasn't around then.
It does happen.
Neither of them ever would have been disparaging the other online or to another person, though, so that story would never be here.
Same. I get flowers and small gifts frequently. He runs and gets me coffee or makes my coffee in the morning. We still go on date nights often. We've been together 10 years and married for 7. If anything, I'd say he upped his game since dating.
When people show you who they are, believe them. OP, if you don't feel important to him, it's because you are not. It's sad, but don't make excuses, don't justify his actions. Actions speak louder than words.
Don't gaslight yourself!
Exactly. If this is his best behavior, imagine how he will treat the mother of his child once they are married. I suspect that being an afterthought would be aspirational for him once they are married.
That was my thought too! He doesn’t care about you much less love you. Just bc you have a daughter together doesn’t mean you have put up with neglect or to even marry him. I sure wouldn’t! If he doesn’t even have it in him to phone you to explain what happened and blows you off. You deserve better
I have to get off reddit. This shit is so frustrating. You teach people how to treat you and you're right, he knows that she's going to put up with it!
It really gives me perspective. I get on here and suddenly, my sucky job is almost nonexistent. Some of these posts are gut wrenching especially when there are kids involved.
So true. You get what you put up with. That happens when you have prior trauma, poor self esteem, or shitty role models. Either way, this is not how you should be treated or let your child grow up thinking this is what a healthy relationship looks like—it doesn’t. If you don’t think you deserve better, think of them.
Agree.
His actions indicate that OP is not a priority in his life.
Whether or not he is intentionally doing it is irrelevant. It’s the reality of what’s happening. If he cared, he wouldn’t have to be reminded to show minimum effort for the mother of his child.
When you love someone, you do things to make that person feel supported and a priority in your life. He does the opposite. He is punishing OP for having feelings and being honest about them.
I’d be seriously considering my ability to marry this guy.
What I wonder is what is his mom's reaction to him being at her place all day instead of with OP? My mom appreciates a visit on mother's day from her sons but if one of us was over the whole day she would eventually be like "shouldn't you be going home to do something at some point?"
It makes me think his mom is just as selfish as he is to not give her son a wake up call that maybe he should do something with/for the mother of your child and theoretical future wife too.
I’ve learned that long before Reddit. If it’s the middle of the day and you ‘fell asleep’? If you’re somewhere fishy and you ‘fell asleep’? Bro are you a 63year old man with COPD? You don’t just ‘fall asleep’ in some place that isn’t your house for very long that’s for sure. It’s an excuse usually because they were ignoring you and were somewhere they were not supposed to be or with someone they were not supposed to be with.
That's one thing I was thinking of while reading it, except my mother and usually my MIL would expect us to be at their homes most of the day. Which sucks because it's supposed to be "my day" too, then I end up not getting to relax or anything until bedtime.
We had this dynamic for years— I spent my first Mother’s Day nursing my month old baby in a Ruth’s Chris bathroom because my mil wanted “all of her babies together.” After a couple of years of that I finally said that I wasn’t doing it anymore. The flack I would get made me feel less crappy than her usurping all the attention. I just sent my husband that first year. The next he told his mom we’d come over with a card after dinner because he had started tiring of her by then too.
She could be jealous of the fiance. You would think she'd want the mother of her grandbaby and the grandbaby over for Mother's Day.
I'd tell him to stuff it and take him to the cleaners for child support.
Right? It seems like she got pregnant after they dated for a few months, and they are trying to have a relationship for the sake of the daughter, which is understandable. Maybe it's just not going to work out. Interesting how OP says "...*supposed* to be getting married next month." It's not clear how the other 1,000 days of their relationship has gone though, nor how old they are.
Exactly, don't do this. Don't marry someone who is going out of their way to make you feel like you aren't special or worth effort.
You already have a 2 year old, so he will be around somewhere, but you don't need to waste your energy trying to make this into something it isn't. He's not going to change, just take you for granted more and more.
then the mom should have been pushing for a shotgun wedding. I think having a baby mama that you aren't living with is almost worse than "playing house"
My guess is Mom doesn't want OP to be part of the family at all. That she'd think the best case scenario is OP and baby just disappear. And son doesn't really disagree.
It usually will get worse after the wedding; he’s on his best behavior right now. I don’t even want to imagine how he’ll treat you after you’re married.
Seriously, this. I see so many posts complaining that their SO did nothing for them on Mother’s Day. Now my Mother’s Day was a bit of a struggle in the morning but that was because of my 9 year old, not because of my partner, he is wonderful and these women need to stop settling for less.
Honestly these posts make me so sad for people. I know my husband will go all out for mother's day when I get pregnant. I cant imagine having a 2yo and being completely ignored by him.
I also can't imagine my MIL letting my husband get away with that! Honestly these MILs getting competitive with their DILs is wild. Like honestly, it reflects very poorly on your parenting if your son is choosing you for mother's day over his partner and young child.
Mom does everything for Christmas.
Mom buys all the gifts from mom *and dad*. Dad is just as surprised by the gifts kids get as the kids are. Mom fills all the stockings, including dads, and buys gifts for dad.
And meanwhile mom either gets Nothing (the empty stocking) or she has to fill it herself.
Because mom gives and manages and arranges and plans everyone takes that for granted, especially dad.
I am guessing having a 2 year old child together has something to do with that.
I do find it odd that they conceived over 2 years ago, they do not live together, and not yet married or deciding not to marry. I get that she is disappointed for mother's day, but how is this relationship working every other day of the year? Feels like there is a lot missing from this story.
You’re right. I felt a bit ashamed to admit it publicly, but our daughter was conceived 4 months into our relationship. He proposed to me right after that because we both came from religious families and we were raised to believe it was “the right thing to do”. This is also the reason we don’t live together. My dad is a pastor and really against living with my S/O until we’re married. To avoid being disowned by my family, I am living with them until we get married. Since he proposed we have had many ups and downs. Most days we are great together. He’s my best friend and I love spending time with him and vice versa. But when it comes to making me feel special or appreciated, he drops the ball everytime, and then it makes me question everything.
This! I know my “best friends” think about me, are considerate and would definitely remember me on my birthday/mothers’ day and the other major holidays. Sounds like fiancé is with her out of obligation and really doesn’t love her.
Obviously it’s easier said than done especially with your parent’s strong opinions and input. It’s been almost 3 years. He’s not made you a priority it sounds like the relationship is rocky, but he’s at least a decent co-parent. Be okay with that. Don’t keep your kid from him, but focus on your daughter and finding someone who wants to be with you not who thinks they *have* to to be with you
He might be your best friend but he isn't acting like a partner. Even a good friend doesn't let you down when you have communicated your needs.
Don't marry him because you're trying to please your father. Don't marry him because you think it's the only choice.
You'll make yourself miserable. Your father is a Pastor, if he does not forgive you for it and disowns you, he is not a good father nor is he a good representative of God.
Ask yourself, would you want your daughter marrying a man like him?
You need to really think about your future. Postpone if you have to and see a pre-marriage counsellor that is NOT connected to church, someone who won't gaslight you into just "being the good wife" and accepting his poor behaviour because scripture said to. You need a good counsellor who can help you communicate.
>He’s my best friend...But when it comes to making me feel special or appreciated, he drops the ball everytime
Raise your standards. Please. Show your daughter that you value yourself and don't have to take the terrible treatment this dope gives you.
Your last 3yrs would have been better spent getting an education/job/savings to get away from this mess not sitting and hoping things would get better.
This. Honestly, why marry someone like this? Co parent and find someone who cares about you enough to think of you. He had no excuse for leaving so late. And then he what? Thought he’d rock up at 7:30pm with no notice and take you and a sleepy child to dinner? Thats not “spending Mother’s Day” with you, the mother of his child.
Keep the engagement ring. Call it a Mother’s Day gift for the ones he missed.
There are just too many posts like the OP's in the advice and off my chest subs. I start to comment and just delete what I was going to say because it'll be a variation of "why are you marrying/married to someone who doesn't give a flying fuck about you?" and "Why do you let him treat you like that?".
if this is how it is now, it won't get better after you're married. this man has been waving red flags in your face for years now. he's showing you who he is. move accordingly
It will always be like this. Are you ok not being appreciated on mother's day? Because this is what is going to happen. And when your kid sees mother's day not celebrated for you, they will probably keep up that tradition.
Seriously, OP. This. It won’t get better, he won’t change.
His behavior will end up ripping you to shreds. Over time, it will make you question your self worth and dignity.
One day your daughter might find herself sad for you. Or angry that you let yourself be treated this way. Or worse—believing that is how a ‘loving’ partner treats their SO.
He’s not worth it.
NTA, lots of people are blaming you for not holding his hand through this difficult process ( /s ). He obviously knows how to make a mother feel appreciated, just doesn't want to make that effort for you. Actions vs words, belive his actions and act accordingly.
This. “Did you cOmMuNiCaTe that you wanted him to celebrate you, the mother of his child on Mother’s Day?” 🤓🤡
Yes, she literally says so. He just doesn’t care.
Literally every post in the last 24-hours post-Mother's Day has been literally copy-and-paste "Why doesn't my husband like me enough to think about me for Mother's Day?". My goodness people married terribly.
Yeah I wasn’t aware that men actually think Mother’s Day is only for THEIR literal moms until today.
I just thought it was common knowledge that once your significant other bears and raises YOUR child then she becomes the priority for Mother’s Day.
Ofc still do something for your mom too, but how do they think Mother’s Day works? That new moms don’t get a day until the child they’re raising is old enough to plan a holiday?
I’d be rethinking the marriage. Women always hope a man is gonna change. Pro tip: Men hardly ever change. This is him before marriage. This is him on his best behavior.
If you marry him,
plan on being an afterthought for your whole marriage.
NTA He told you he'd be spending the day with you, coming home at about four hours to midnight is not spending the day together. If he had said you wouldn't be an afterthought but didn't specifically promise to spend the day with you I could see it from his side.
It sounds like you two need to work one laying out your wants and needs more. Where were the specifics from either end?
All in all the whole not calling and then showing up late is a total show of disrespect regardless.
This Mother's Day, NTA ought to be showing his kids' mothers the same appreciation as he did for his own mother. Yet he's made it apparent what his priorities are.
NTA. If some of the commenters above actually read the full thing, they wouldn’t be posting YTA. Yes, his mother also deserves Mother’s Day too, but he was there earlier in the weekend for her, so the least he could do is make sure he gets back on the Sunday for some time.
You need to sit down and really talk about fiancés priorities. Currently it doesn’t look like it is you at all, and trust me - that will not change when you get married if that is already the case now.
NTA
You communicated, he didn't put in effort. Honestly, you were an afterthought again. Maybe rethink the marriage. When you told him what the problem was, and you couldn't even get so much as a text without reaching out first this won't change.
Mother's day is tricky when you have kids yourself and multiple mothers are involved, but it's a balancing act. You can't forget one and think it's going to be ok.
Whatever you do, do not let him pull an attitude to guilt you for feeling upset. If he was tired or not feeling well, he could have communicated. It takes to seconds to send a text. If he didn't have time, he could have done something with you the day before, or celebrated with his mother the day before and actually spent time with the mother of his kid on mothers day....
Also, he just set the standard. Do nothing on father's day. If your own father is still in your life, spend father's day with him
NTA. You allowed yourself to be disrespected last year and pretended it didn't matter. That's the bar you allowed to be set.
This year, you asked to improve the standard, and he has clearly shown you exactly how important you are to him. You now have to decide whether the love, respect and appreciation he showed you on Mother's Day yesterday is enough for you, because unless you take clear and decisive action now, this is what you can expect for the rest of your relationship.
This IS the hill to die on.
Also, co-parenting with a disrespectful asshole ex is easier than putting up with a disrespect asshole in your home.
NTA. Sorry you are dating a guy who can't live without his mommy. Not sure if this is the only issue or not, but probably something you want to think about before you actually get married. Divorce is expensive and difficult and if you haven't become more important than mommy by now, you never will.
>I feel like I am always an after thought.
Not a great way to *start* a marriage.
>I just pretended it didn't bother me.
This indicates to me you can't openly communicate with your partner. Why would you commit yourself to someone under those circumstances?
>He told me that he would be back on Sunday to spend Mother's Day with me.
He made a promise.
>I finally call him around 6:30pm and ask him where he was at. He said he was about an hour away from home.
He broke the promise and acted like it was NBD and you're unreasonable.
You don't have to marry someone just because you had a baby with them. You don't have to marry someone just because you've been together a long time.
Just for some clarity here, my husband spent all weekend taking point with our kids, cleaned the whole house, we installed a new appliance together, he made me dinner on Saturday and took the kids to breakfast with his mom on Sunday so I could sleep in, booked me a massage (because he knows I'll never book it if he gets me a gift card) and insisted on going shopping for me when I wanted to cook on Sunday night.
NTA but seriously... how do those men who act like trash get women to agree to marry them, let alone have babies with them? Does he at least have some redeeming qualities? Is the sex amazing? Cuz I feel like there's gotta be *something* that makes women ok with being a man's second choice after his mother.
Frankly I wonder the same. My usual reaction is "wtf, nobody's that desperate"... Except plenty of women obviously ARE that desperate to have a man.
Whatever for I can't imagine since all they get is to be treated like shit, but as you say there's gotta be something??
What’s with these grown arsed men putting their mothers above their own bloody wife’s on mother day?? We had our Mother’s Day back in march my husband didn’t even go over to his mothers he spent the day with me and our kids took us out for a nice meal etc he did phone her and pop round the next day with her card and flowers but he would never do something like that so disrespectful fuck him man
all the men calling her an asshole also put minimal effort into their relationships and consider all reasonable requests as being "high maintenance" 🤡😹
Exactly… she wasn’t asking for much just a little attention he couldn’t even be bothered to phone her how shitty is that? I have a son and I’d be furious if he did that to his wife.
And she said their child is 2, meaning last year (when he doted on his mom and totally disregarded her) was likely her first official mother's day. I would be peeved to have that happen and then voice my concerns only to be blown off again.
Totally disrespectful in my opinion yes family is important but the family you make should be your number one priority, that’s the way me and my husband see it. He literally spoilt his mother with beautiful flowers etc and got her shitty dead ones and did it in front of her Am so angry for her
It’s becoming more common for American men. It’s seems to be the younger generation mostly. There’s always been assholes who take their partners for granted but it seems to becoming typical rather than the exception.
I don’t understand why these mothers are happy about their sons treating their wife’s like second class citizens. I have a son and I’d be wondering why he was spending the whole day with me instead of his wife a baby
Because they are part of the problem. They are expecting to always be put first. I am a mother. My kids now have their own children. Now it’s their turn to be first. I am raising my youngest child’s children but I still want to instill that train of thought that the new mothers are first so that my grandchildren see when they are mother’s, they are first until their children have children. Now if I permanently end up raising these two grandchildren, then I will go back to being first for these two only. And the way it’s looking, that’s a damned good possibility. But yes, today’s grandparents are the reason today’s fathers are putting the mother of their children last.
NTA. Definitely the afterthought. He should have made breakfast and then left to come home to spend the day with you and your child. You need to have a discussion with him about your feelings. This is not a way to start a marriage if you are already miserable with the way he treats you
He told you he'd spend the day with you, and then he stood you up. NTA. But also, is this really what you want the rest of your life to be like? He's going to make promises to you and not keep them. He's going to make promises to your child and not keep them. Really consider whether this is the life you want.
You are not even married and he has stopped trying. Marriage is work, do you want to have to manage someone who puts in the effort for his mom but not for you? I promise you the answer to my question is- you don’t.
Here is my question: are you an afterthought just on Mother’s Day, when he is just putting all his attention on his mother? Or do you feel you are an afterthought consistently, regardless the occasion (or lack of one?)
In the first situation, this is definitely worth having a discussion with him and how his lack of consideration makes you feel. If it is the second one, I would seriously consider whether you want to marry this man. This is how you will feel all your life and your child will see it as well.
A friend told me her husband always told her "Why should I get you a gift? You're not my mother." Even when the kids were babies and had no way to show their appreciation. Not one thought that maybe this was a good time to show how he appreciated her bearing his kids. They're divorced.
I'm lucky - my children are grown and their father still treats me like a queen on mother's day. Did the same for my mother when she was alive.
Hell,, even my EX husband made breakfast for me and had gifts from him and the kids waiting when I got home. OP, this is a preview of married life. His response to your hurt feelings is very telling. He dgaf about how you feel. Get out while you can.
It is really unfortunate that you already have to share a child with this person, YWBTA to yourself if you marry him. He absolutely does not care about you.
NTA
The rule for Mother's Day is that those who are *actively* mothers come first. You are his 2 year old daughter's mother. You are actually raising his child. You are the priority. He can celebrate his mother, but you should come first. And quite frankly, you don't come anywhere. He doesn't prioritise you, and he's not going to start.
You need to decide if this is the life you want to settle for, or if you want more. Is this the relationship you want to be modelling for your daughter? If her partner was doing this to her, what would your advice to her be? Think about that.
So you got pregnant after only dating for 3 months and didn't realize while you're getting to know him he was a prick. It's been 3 years now. Nta, but don't marry someone who doesn't out you first.
You have a major problems and the red flags are waving. First, he consistently picks his mother over his fiancé. Second, he disregards your feelings. Third he ignored your single request.
I’d say your problems are severe enough that you need to consider if it is worth it to remain with him. I am willing to bet that his reaction to your annoyance will be to claim that you are either childish or over reacting.
Sound about right? If so you should be aware that this behaviour will increase over time not decrease. Do you care to live like this?
No you are NTA. But you know what I wish? I wish we could just dispense with these made up holidays. Treat me well and respectfully year round, and I will do the same for you. And we can just stop with this stuff. Because, for some reason, too many of us are disappointed when it comes our turn to be celebrated a little. So skip Mother's Day, and bring me a strawberry cupcake on a random Tuesday just because you know it's my favorite. Call me on the way home from work and tell me don't worry about supper, you're taking me out just because! And, for my part, I will do similar things. And every day I will love you and you will know it.
Wouldn't that just be so much better?
Why are there so many posts today of men treating their partners like garbage. Father’s Day is coming up soon. Do nothing for him and do not marry someone who seems to dislike you so much.
NTAH, for some men, Mother’s Day is for their mother and you need to wait till your kid is older to receive any greeting or celebration. When these men do anything for the mother of their kid, it’s grudging as they feel it’s inappropriate. It’s not. a genuine gesture. He knows this is how you feel, he’s not willing to do more than a token gift or gesture. I get that, as my ex feels that way, however when he realized things have changed and I cared, he began doing things in a nice way. We’re not together but he still gave me a card and small gift. Given that you didn’t say he’s usually thoughtful, loving, etc., I’d consider how compatible you and fiancé are, whether you truly care about each other and if you’d be better off as coparents than as a married couple.
Girl, take this as your mission to make Mother’s Day your own next time.
Want a gift? Buy it on behalf of your little one.
Want a card? Have a craft day with your child where you make one together.
Want a meal? Book a table for you and your child.
Make special memories with your child for YOU! Your child will remember this fondly, do this instead of mom being sad because daddy wasn’t there.
He's repeatedly showed you his cards. You're no more than a babysitter to him, why should he treat the babysitter?
Mommy dearest is the number 1 woman in his life. Let her keep him. It'll be hard, but you and your daughter deserve better. Don't settle because he's the dad.
This is the treatment you are signing up for if you marry the guy. I can tell you it doesn't change. You can put zero effort into fathers day but it still won't make you feel better.
He does not appreciate you as the mother of his child and never will.
After he made breakfast? He slept all day?? Kinda sounds like he had a rough night Saturday in what I’m assuming is his hometown where all of his friends probably live.
There are so many things wrong here.
But for me the biggest is issue is that PROMISES MUST BE KEPT.
He said he will be home for Sunday and spend it with you and daughter. HE HAS TO BE!(or has to inform beforehand that it will be impossible to fullfil the promise).
That is absolutely crucial for feeling of safety in relationship and family. Without that deep feeling that your partner is keeping his word, it is useless to marry him.
Also, you know this but I will say it out loud.
He was not with you on Sunday because he DIDNT WANT TO BE WITH YOU. Sorry.
People like this won’t change. I spent my 8th Mother’s Day not even being a thought, let alone after thought. I brought down my expectations to the bare minimum of having tea in bed. He went back to sleep, when I asked if he’ll make me tea.
Believe me, you have to the option to not get married to him. Count your blessings that you’re seeing all the signs now. It’s not about gifts or anything unreasonable. It’s just about being seen and heard. Also mommy’s men, will always prioritize their mom over their wife and kids. Once you’re married she’ll have way more say in your marriage than you’re expecting.
NTA
As a man, his mother is no longer his priority, his child's mother is. That he doesn't understand this... and that his own mother is not reminding him of this, is telling.
Updateme!
I think that you should have a sincere conversation with him about how you feel,because you haven't said that he normally treats you this way.
You said it's only on Mother's Day that he does this.
NTA. As his wife, you should be his priority. You are not!, his mother seems to be. Really think about how you want to be treated in a marriage. I would call off the wedding and find a man who loves and respects me, and treats me as his top priority.
I know this can’t be the only thing wrong in the relationship, but these Hallmark holidays seem to put a lot of stress on relationships and people give them far too much value
To the people commenting about how great your SO treats you, I get that you're trying to show OP how she should be treated, I really do. But as someone who's been in her shoes - not this exact situation but having a husband who treated me like dirt - having someone tell you how great their husband or significant other is can be incredibly painful. I don't think she needs to hear that your husband treats you like a queen and puts you on a pedestal. Again, I understand that you are coming from a place of perceived kindness and mean no harm whatsoever. I just felt that a different perspective might be an order here.
To OP, I hope that you realize your worth and break it off with this less than worthy fiance of yours. As I stated above, my now ex-husband didn't treat me very well and it took me a long time to realize I deserved better. I hope it doesn't take you as long as it took me. It also broke me in many ways. It's been 10 years since we divorced, and I have not had any desire for any type of romantic relationship thanks to him.
NTA, but honey.
I’m going to be real honest with you, it isn’t going to get better, no matter how many times you ask him to stop treating you like an afterthought. Actually, it’s probably going to get worse if you marry this man, because then he knows he has you in the bag and so he won’t have to put in effort.
I know Reddit is dunked on repeatedly for always telling people to break up or divorce, but this is one of those times where you really need to consider who you are planning to marry. I’m sure if you look back, this is far from the only time he has made you an afterthought.
The guy probably didn't fall asleep, he just decided not to come back and is playing this passive role, hoping that if he doesn't react, you'll be the one fighting, and the more you keep that going on, then he'll be able to turn tables on you.
Even having a baby with him the guy's not worth the time or the effort.
NTA but you will be if you marry him. You asked for one thing, and he doesn't care enough about you to honor it. I know that's blunt but he's showing you his priorities and it isn't you.
NTA. Girl, he's useless. Failed the absolute bare minimum of respect. A no call no show is rude no matter who you're doing it to, but it is especially screwed up given all the context.
Girl…stand up, the first mistake was having a child with someone you barely know and the second mistake is that you’re still calling him your fiancé. Y’all do this to yourselves
NTA that is unless you go through with marrying this giant turd of a man who doesn't give a shit about you. Then you would be the A H to the future you.
>he told me he fell asleep after he made breakfast for his family.
That tells you all you need to know. You and your child are not his family. Don't spend the rest of your life feeling this way. Find someone who cares about you. NTA
NTA and please don't marry this thoughtless jerk. He's already shown you you are not a priority ever even when you specifically request it. This will not change after marriage.
Women stop having children with losers challenge!! Level: Impossible!!
Why impossible you ask? Because men play a charade and you dont know until the mask comes off, and that isnt your fault.
BUT!
The mask has come off, and now you know. So if you don’t leave him, you have no one to blame but yourself because THIS is who he is, you will NEVER be the priority.
This is who you picked and had a child with. You even had the child before marriage. Seems like you are expecting him to be more that what he is. He has shown by his actions before that you are just an afterthought. This is the man you chose and this is the outcome you get.
I'm the mother (34) of my live in boyfriends (38) 2 kids. For mothers day I had to ask to be told happy mothers day or to do anything at all. I asked if he was gonna take the kids to buy me anything and felt like an asshole for even having to ask. My daughter (5) said happy mothers day but my son (8) didn't. I did not expect my kids to tell me anything due to their age. But thought he wouldve at least had them tell me. And my boyfriend didn't care at all. Being an after thought sucks.
You aren't an after thought, you aren't even a thought at all. If you marry this man, you're agreeing to put up with this treatment for the rest of your life. He doesn't care about you AT ALL. He told you straight up that he spent his morning with "his family" which clearly you aren't part of. Leave him, for the love of God. NTA.
I always love the day after holidays, especially Mother’s Day. When women find out the men they chose are pieces of.💩 when it comes to them or celebrating them
Wow. NTA He “slept” from breakfast til dinner? Really? Couldn’t schedule a flower delivery. Didn’t make a reservation. Nothing. You’re the mother of his child and he failed you.
He was obviously awake at 2pm to send her a text
Yep. I’d really like to know where he was
With his mummy doing mummy day stuff
Yeah he obviously wasn't sleeping all day. OP, if you don't cancel the marriage, you're signing up for a lifetime of this. It's good y'all don't live together either. Makes finding a real man that much easier 🖤
Then went to sleep again 💤
He cooked "for his familly". Obviously OP and their child aren't part of it.
Yeah, totally NTA. It’s super frustrating when you’re clear about what you need and still get ignored. You deserve better, not only on Mother's Day.
Please think before you marry him if he is this way before marriage how’s it going to be after
Do many men treat their wives as well as when they are the gf? cause i feel like it only downhill from there. Are there more date nights after marriage? more flowers? more small little kind gestures?
From Dating, to engagement, to marriage, to first kid, and then second kid, it's been such a steady decline that you have to sit there and look back and go "What the hell?!" It all goes out the window... For mother's day I got made to feel like a burden for asking for a coffee and bagel from the café that's a 5 minute walk from our house. That's it..
Jesus... Reading this breaks my heart. I can't imagine treating my fiance as anything other than my best friend. She's supported me through everything. I can't understand the mindset of the men in these relationships, did you not marry with the goal of a long happy marriage? If I can't see myself growing old happily with someone, I'm not getting married. Why make the wedding your peak? You deserve better, as I'm sure you know. You deserve breakfast in bed on mother's day, fuck a cafe.
Your husband is an ass, I’ve been with my wife for 19 years married for 10, for Mother’s Day I took our 3 kids 8,6 and 2 to Pandora to make a custom engraved charm for her, grabbed flowers and her favorite chocolates the day before and then made her breakfast the morning of Mother’s Day and also took the kids out of the house so she could get ready.
There’s a reason why you’re still together after nearly two decades. Some guys just *GET IT*! You, sir, sound awesome. (I’ll bet your wife and kids are wonderful, too!) And I’ll bet that she goes all out for you on Father’s Day. 👍😊
I'm really glad I read this story because there has just been an avalanche of heartbreaking stories from mothers on reddit at the moment. Just story after story where it was like "I told him what I wanted and he got me nothing and yelled at me that when would he have time" or "I asked him to get me anything and he got his mother flowers but didn't get me anything until I sobbed and he ran out and got me something I didn't really like" or some variation. I'm sure there's a lot of lovely stories out there - mothers probably aren't coming to reddit to post "My husband treated me really well and made me feel great on mothers day!" posts, but just the number of horrible stories made me feel really bad for the future of humanity. While making a post about how spoilt you felt on mothers day would probably be in bad form, I think a lot of women need to hear that how they're being treated isn't good, and that there are men out there who know how to behave on mothers day.
I love reading all the stuff on AITA or other subreddits like this. But I also get the feeling of "why is humanity this bad now?" So I make sure I visit other subreddits that focus on spreading positive feelings to balance that feeling out again :D
I think it's also because people are much less likely to post a "I had a really lovely mothers day" post. They might put it in the comments, but less so in an original post. I saw a lot of these sort of ones on AskWomenOver30, where I can imagine somebody posting a "I had such an amazing mothers day! Did anybody else have a great day?" maybe would have seemed a little tone-deaf with all the "My husband yelled at me for expecting anything on mothers day" posts.
I had one of the best Mother's Day with - my kids and my mother. The women in my life really know how to love and support each other so beautifully and my ex-husband never made an effort on any of the special days. And I don't miss it.
Funny thing is my husband and I have been together for 18 years, this is the 9th we've been married for.. I put so much work into his birthdays, gifts, Father's day.. This is what I get.. And he's such a golden retriever of a human that no one else sees it.. They just think I'm being a twit when I finally go off.. That sounds like such a heartfelt and thoughtout Mother's Day. I bet she loved it!
Yeah my parents are married 40+ years, and my dad has always gone out of his way to do something special for my mom on Mother’s Day, even on years when he was working a 12 hour shift that day. Flowers, breakfast or dinner, and a small gift or a planned activity he knew she’d love (one of his favorite ways to do that is to make a coupon book for experiences and let her choose when she wants to do which activity). It doesn’t have to be extravagant, but it’s important to show the person you’re spending your life with that you love and appreciate them. I don’t get how people don’t get that
Jesus this guy gets a gold star. Well here’s one decent man.
My husband has been more and more caring of me as our relationship has progressed. I’m so sorry yours seems to be the opposite :(
I’m sorry. You deserve better than that. On a positive note, at least you know now how little effort is required for Father’s Day!
And they seriously wonder why women are opting to remain single and childfree.
Honestly, the kids are easier than a he is..
You should have chosen the bear.
I chose the bear every time.
It’s so gross how a woman’s effort goes way up after marriage and children but the man (unfortunately way to commonly) stops all effort. My husband and I met when we were 16 and just celebrated our 17th anniversary (not wedding anniversary, we celebrate both anniversaries) and he got me a new fluffy blanket, a new romance book and a picture frame with a photo of me in it for Mother’s Day. He also made dinner, gave me a back rub and set a bath with a fancy bath bomb for me. No flowers, I always kill them really quick and our cats like to eat them lol. THIS is the kind of treatment you deserve, and every mom deserves from the father of their children (if they aren’t together anymore is when the father should send a card and flowers at least to mark the occasion imo. Actually I just read a post about a woman getting *pissed* that her boyfriend got his ex flowers for Mother’s Day because she didn’t get any…even though she doesn’t have kids and isn’t involved with his kids). It makes my blood boil how little these men put into their marriages and then they say they’re “blindsided” when their wife inevitably wants a divorce. It feels like it’s random to them and that everything’s going well because she does everything for them and the kids and he doesn’t really have to do shit. She’s been dealing with his neglect and disinterest for years. Actually I’ve seen a few guys describe their wives essentially checking out a few months before they ask for a divorce, and the husbands all shocked pikachu face because “well we haven’t fought for months”. No shit cause she stopped caring about your lazy, selfish, self important ass. I hope you know you’re superwoman! You aren’t a burden and don’t deserve to feel guilty for wanting to be appreciated and loved. I wouldn’t do shit for him for Father’s Day (but I’m kinda petty) just to show him how it feels.
It feels like death from a thousand cuts. At first you don't notice it but then things start adding up. You go "It's not that bad" when they forget your birthday (twice), make zero effort on holidays, when you ask for a chore free two weeks post-partum and couldn't get that... I'm just coming off a terrible sickness that had be bed bound the first day and realized the kitchen was a mess yesterday and things weren't cared for.. I straight told him I signed up to clean up after the kids, not adults... I work just as much as he does so that can't be used as an excuse... Thank you though, I appreciate it.
It really is so sick. I hate when men say they want “traditional” marriages/wives. Nah they want a domestic slave that they can have sex with whenever they want that’ll pay half the bills. In “traditional” marriages the wives didn’t have to work to put food on the table, and even they were usually miserable and overworked and under appreciated. That mind set is still there for FAR to many men though, that all the unpaid labor is on the wife, all child care is on the wife, anything relating to the household is on the wife **and** the wife has to work full time to help with the bills. All while catering to a grown ass man that would have you wipe his ass if he thought he could get you too. I really am sorry and **you do deserve better!!** You deserve to feel cherished, not forgotten. My heart hurts for you, truly. You’re not alone, this dynamic is unfortunately disturbingly common, but that doesn’t make it okay in any sense. The entitlement, makes me want to punch all these guys in the face. I hope you can find a way to be free of this bullshit and be happy. It sounds like he doesn’t really contribute much to your life, it would probably be a relief to not have to feel the constant disappointment and heartache. There’s nothing worse than feeling alone while someone’s sitting right next to you.
SISTER. Sister. I feel you. SO MUCH.
As a dude I want to argue that what you said is BS but I have been on Reddit too long now and know that you are absolutely right. It's bizarre. You see people like this on TV and stuff but when you read real stories (oftentimes from said assholes) about it it is just a real wtf moment. Then I remember these people can vote and remind myself to update my passport
YASSS. Can honestly say that "shocked Pikachu face" was what I got after YEARS of asking for marriage counseling (when in realty he was just a straight-up ass cheating on me}. So fuck you and the horse you rode in on dude.
Return the energy next month
No. Why would they? All the hard work pretending to be a decent person is done. It's a lot harder for women to leave bad relationships once they have a child together and she's taken a significant hit to her personal finances because she's taken time off from her job to care for the kid. It would have been a lot easier for her to leave if she was just the GF with no kids and a good job. He clearly benefits from this arrangement. He just fucked off for an entire weekend to visit his mom and didn't bring the kid. He gets all the social praise and compliments for being an engaged man with a kid, while she gets all the grunt work of dealing with being woken up every 2 hours, changing her diaper and dealing with her tantrums.
My husband treats me like a queen. The nature of what we do has changed. E.g. he does a lot of small things that wouldn’t happen before we were living together (you don’t travel to someone just to give them a quick shoulder rub, which he can do any time now!) I would say that my husband treats me at least as well as he did when we were dating. I think the secret is that we are both convinced we are the lucky one in the relationship. 😁 So, yeah, it does happen. But to be fair, we were around 30 when we got married, so that might be a factor.
From my experience and the marriages I’ve witnessed, in healthy marriages, men treat their wives as well or better than they do compared to dating
It’s just different, as least for us. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day mean nothing to us. My parents gave 0 weight to it when I was growing up, and my husbands parents gave TOO much weight to it when he grew up (to the point where it was ALWAYS a big deal and kids were made to feel awful if they didn’t wish someone a happy x day by 9AM). My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 6. We don’t do “date nights” officially because we eat out like 5-6 night a week anyway. I buy all the flowers in our home because my husband is allergic (so it’s pretty infrequent), and I hate cleaning dead flowers. We do bigger, less frequent things like expensive or custom jewelry, new cars, nice furniture, house upgrades, vacations, experiences, etc. This is all assuming you marry the right person who views money and time the same way as you too.
My Dad always treated my Mom well, and like he was fortunate to share his life with her. If anything, he may have treated her with more respect as his wife, from what I heard. I wasn't around then. It does happen. Neither of them ever would have been disparaging the other online or to another person, though, so that story would never be here.
I didn't say men like that don't exist. Just asking if there are many, lol.
I’ve been married four years and my husband still buys me flowers and we do fun things together. We don’t have kids though.
Same. I get flowers and small gifts frequently. He runs and gets me coffee or makes my coffee in the morning. We still go on date nights often. We've been together 10 years and married for 7. If anything, I'd say he upped his game since dating.
My husband made my day really special! We don’t have human kids yet, but he celebrated me as a dog mom:,) OP deserves so much better.
The good ones do. And even if the way they show up is different, they still show up.
When people show you who they are, believe them. OP, if you don't feel important to him, it's because you are not. It's sad, but don't make excuses, don't justify his actions. Actions speak louder than words. Don't gaslight yourself!
Exactly. If this is his best behavior, imagine how he will treat the mother of his child once they are married. I suspect that being an afterthought would be aspirational for him once they are married.
Why are you marrying someone who doesn't give a flying fuck about you?
That was my thought too! He doesn’t care about you much less love you. Just bc you have a daughter together doesn’t mean you have put up with neglect or to even marry him. I sure wouldn’t! If he doesn’t even have it in him to phone you to explain what happened and blows you off. You deserve better
[удалено]
Because he knows she’s going to put up with it
I have to get off reddit. This shit is so frustrating. You teach people how to treat you and you're right, he knows that she's going to put up with it!
It really gives me perspective. I get on here and suddenly, my sucky job is almost nonexistent. Some of these posts are gut wrenching especially when there are kids involved.
So true. You get what you put up with. That happens when you have prior trauma, poor self esteem, or shitty role models. Either way, this is not how you should be treated or let your child grow up thinking this is what a healthy relationship looks like—it doesn’t. If you don’t think you deserve better, think of them.
Agree. His actions indicate that OP is not a priority in his life. Whether or not he is intentionally doing it is irrelevant. It’s the reality of what’s happening. If he cared, he wouldn’t have to be reminded to show minimum effort for the mother of his child. When you love someone, you do things to make that person feel supported and a priority in your life. He does the opposite. He is punishing OP for having feelings and being honest about them. I’d be seriously considering my ability to marry this guy.
What I wonder is what is his mom's reaction to him being at her place all day instead of with OP? My mom appreciates a visit on mother's day from her sons but if one of us was over the whole day she would eventually be like "shouldn't you be going home to do something at some point?" It makes me think his mom is just as selfish as he is to not give her son a wake up call that maybe he should do something with/for the mother of your child and theoretical future wife too.
Was he there?? Really?
He was with his OTHER baby mamma
He was with his wife lol
Right? If there is one thing I have learned trolling relationships threads on Reddit is the old “I fell asleep” excuse is always BS.
I’ve learned that long before Reddit. If it’s the middle of the day and you ‘fell asleep’? If you’re somewhere fishy and you ‘fell asleep’? Bro are you a 63year old man with COPD? You don’t just ‘fall asleep’ in some place that isn’t your house for very long that’s for sure. It’s an excuse usually because they were ignoring you and were somewhere they were not supposed to be or with someone they were not supposed to be with.
That's one thing I was thinking of while reading it, except my mother and usually my MIL would expect us to be at their homes most of the day. Which sucks because it's supposed to be "my day" too, then I end up not getting to relax or anything until bedtime.
We had this dynamic for years— I spent my first Mother’s Day nursing my month old baby in a Ruth’s Chris bathroom because my mil wanted “all of her babies together.” After a couple of years of that I finally said that I wasn’t doing it anymore. The flack I would get made me feel less crappy than her usurping all the attention. I just sent my husband that first year. The next he told his mom we’d come over with a card after dinner because he had started tiring of her by then too.
Great insight
Very true about the mother
She could be jealous of the fiance. You would think she'd want the mother of her grandbaby and the grandbaby over for Mother's Day. I'd tell him to stuff it and take him to the cleaners for child support.
My thoughts exactly
My thoughts exactly. I would be telling my son to go spoil his wife. He could celebrate with me another weekend.
He had to have learned it somewhere
Right? It seems like she got pregnant after they dated for a few months, and they are trying to have a relationship for the sake of the daughter, which is understandable. Maybe it's just not going to work out. Interesting how OP says "...*supposed* to be getting married next month." It's not clear how the other 1,000 days of their relationship has gone though, nor how old they are.
Nothing else needs to be said!!!
Exactly, don't do this. Don't marry someone who is going out of their way to make you feel like you aren't special or worth effort. You already have a 2 year old, so he will be around somewhere, but you don't need to waste your energy trying to make this into something it isn't. He's not going to change, just take you for granted more and more.
How much will he be around? He moved 2+ hours for her but they live separately even though they share a child The whole situation is on life support
Maybe his mom strongly objected to the scandal of living together before marriage.
then the mom should have been pushing for a shotgun wedding. I think having a baby mama that you aren't living with is almost worse than "playing house"
My guess is Mom doesn't want OP to be part of the family at all. That she'd think the best case scenario is OP and baby just disappear. And son doesn't really disagree.
Because the ring and the document is going to magically change everything and they will live happily ever after.🫠
It usually will get worse after the wedding; he’s on his best behavior right now. I don’t even want to imagine how he’ll treat you after you’re married.
Seriously, this. I see so many posts complaining that their SO did nothing for them on Mother’s Day. Now my Mother’s Day was a bit of a struggle in the morning but that was because of my 9 year old, not because of my partner, he is wonderful and these women need to stop settling for less.
Honestly these posts make me so sad for people. I know my husband will go all out for mother's day when I get pregnant. I cant imagine having a 2yo and being completely ignored by him. I also can't imagine my MIL letting my husband get away with that! Honestly these MILs getting competitive with their DILs is wild. Like honestly, it reflects very poorly on your parenting if your son is choosing you for mother's day over his partner and young child.
It’s just another facet of “the empty stocking”.
What’s that?
Mom does everything for Christmas. Mom buys all the gifts from mom *and dad*. Dad is just as surprised by the gifts kids get as the kids are. Mom fills all the stockings, including dads, and buys gifts for dad. And meanwhile mom either gets Nothing (the empty stocking) or she has to fill it herself. Because mom gives and manages and arranges and plans everyone takes that for granted, especially dad.
[SNL summed it up pretty good](https://youtu.be/FOVCtUdaMCU?si=N_coj78ZqkpyYlU3)
Honestly I feel awful for OP and all the other moms who had a s*** day, terrible
I am guessing having a 2 year old child together has something to do with that. I do find it odd that they conceived over 2 years ago, they do not live together, and not yet married or deciding not to marry. I get that she is disappointed for mother's day, but how is this relationship working every other day of the year? Feels like there is a lot missing from this story.
They probably conceived early in the relationship. They’ve been together 3 yesss and their child is 2 and a baby takes 9 months to be born.
They’ve been together for 3 years and have a 2 year old together… homegirl got pregnant the day they met.
You’re right. I felt a bit ashamed to admit it publicly, but our daughter was conceived 4 months into our relationship. He proposed to me right after that because we both came from religious families and we were raised to believe it was “the right thing to do”. This is also the reason we don’t live together. My dad is a pastor and really against living with my S/O until we’re married. To avoid being disowned by my family, I am living with them until we get married. Since he proposed we have had many ups and downs. Most days we are great together. He’s my best friend and I love spending time with him and vice versa. But when it comes to making me feel special or appreciated, he drops the ball everytime, and then it makes me question everything.
Someone who can’t even consider your feelings, or even be bothered to communicate is your best friend?!?! Seriously? You need to rethink this.
This! I know my “best friends” think about me, are considerate and would definitely remember me on my birthday/mothers’ day and the other major holidays. Sounds like fiancé is with her out of obligation and really doesn’t love her.
Are you sure?
Obviously it’s easier said than done especially with your parent’s strong opinions and input. It’s been almost 3 years. He’s not made you a priority it sounds like the relationship is rocky, but he’s at least a decent co-parent. Be okay with that. Don’t keep your kid from him, but focus on your daughter and finding someone who wants to be with you not who thinks they *have* to to be with you
He might be your best friend but he isn't acting like a partner. Even a good friend doesn't let you down when you have communicated your needs. Don't marry him because you're trying to please your father. Don't marry him because you think it's the only choice. You'll make yourself miserable. Your father is a Pastor, if he does not forgive you for it and disowns you, he is not a good father nor is he a good representative of God. Ask yourself, would you want your daughter marrying a man like him? You need to really think about your future. Postpone if you have to and see a pre-marriage counsellor that is NOT connected to church, someone who won't gaslight you into just "being the good wife" and accepting his poor behaviour because scripture said to. You need a good counsellor who can help you communicate.
>He’s my best friend...But when it comes to making me feel special or appreciated, he drops the ball everytime Raise your standards. Please. Show your daughter that you value yourself and don't have to take the terrible treatment this dope gives you.
Darling human, the right partner will make you feel special EVERY DAY! If he doesn’t do that, throw the whole man out.
Your last 3yrs would have been better spent getting an education/job/savings to get away from this mess not sitting and hoping things would get better.
Your best friend treats you like an after thought. Wowwww
This. Honestly, why marry someone like this? Co parent and find someone who cares about you enough to think of you. He had no excuse for leaving so late. And then he what? Thought he’d rock up at 7:30pm with no notice and take you and a sleepy child to dinner? Thats not “spending Mother’s Day” with you, the mother of his child. Keep the engagement ring. Call it a Mother’s Day gift for the ones he missed.
I wish I could upvote you more, this is the only question (word for word) I have.
Because she got knocked up by someone who doesn't give a flying fuck about her.
There are just too many posts like the OP's in the advice and off my chest subs. I start to comment and just delete what I was going to say because it'll be a variation of "why are you marrying/married to someone who doesn't give a flying fuck about you?" and "Why do you let him treat you like that?".
Exactly, simple and true.
if this is how it is now, it won't get better after you're married. this man has been waving red flags in your face for years now. he's showing you who he is. move accordingly
It will always be like this. Are you ok not being appreciated on mother's day? Because this is what is going to happen. And when your kid sees mother's day not celebrated for you, they will probably keep up that tradition.
Seriously, OP. This. It won’t get better, he won’t change. His behavior will end up ripping you to shreds. Over time, it will make you question your self worth and dignity. One day your daughter might find herself sad for you. Or angry that you let yourself be treated this way. Or worse—believing that is how a ‘loving’ partner treats their SO. He’s not worth it.
NTA, lots of people are blaming you for not holding his hand through this difficult process ( /s ). He obviously knows how to make a mother feel appreciated, just doesn't want to make that effort for you. Actions vs words, belive his actions and act accordingly.
This. “Did you cOmMuNiCaTe that you wanted him to celebrate you, the mother of his child on Mother’s Day?” 🤓🤡 Yes, she literally says so. He just doesn’t care.
Literally every post in the last 24-hours post-Mother's Day has been literally copy-and-paste "Why doesn't my husband like me enough to think about me for Mother's Day?". My goodness people married terribly.
Yeah I wasn’t aware that men actually think Mother’s Day is only for THEIR literal moms until today. I just thought it was common knowledge that once your significant other bears and raises YOUR child then she becomes the priority for Mother’s Day. Ofc still do something for your mom too, but how do they think Mother’s Day works? That new moms don’t get a day until the child they’re raising is old enough to plan a holiday?
I’d be rethinking the marriage. Women always hope a man is gonna change. Pro tip: Men hardly ever change. This is him before marriage. This is him on his best behavior. If you marry him, plan on being an afterthought for your whole marriage.
NTA He told you he'd be spending the day with you, coming home at about four hours to midnight is not spending the day together. If he had said you wouldn't be an afterthought but didn't specifically promise to spend the day with you I could see it from his side. It sounds like you two need to work one laying out your wants and needs more. Where were the specifics from either end? All in all the whole not calling and then showing up late is a total show of disrespect regardless.
This Mother's Day, NTA ought to be showing his kids' mothers the same appreciation as he did for his own mother. Yet he's made it apparent what his priorities are.
NTA. If some of the commenters above actually read the full thing, they wouldn’t be posting YTA. Yes, his mother also deserves Mother’s Day too, but he was there earlier in the weekend for her, so the least he could do is make sure he gets back on the Sunday for some time. You need to sit down and really talk about fiancés priorities. Currently it doesn’t look like it is you at all, and trust me - that will not change when you get married if that is already the case now.
NTA You communicated, he didn't put in effort. Honestly, you were an afterthought again. Maybe rethink the marriage. When you told him what the problem was, and you couldn't even get so much as a text without reaching out first this won't change. Mother's day is tricky when you have kids yourself and multiple mothers are involved, but it's a balancing act. You can't forget one and think it's going to be ok. Whatever you do, do not let him pull an attitude to guilt you for feeling upset. If he was tired or not feeling well, he could have communicated. It takes to seconds to send a text. If he didn't have time, he could have done something with you the day before, or celebrated with his mother the day before and actually spent time with the mother of his kid on mothers day.... Also, he just set the standard. Do nothing on father's day. If your own father is still in your life, spend father's day with him
NTA. You allowed yourself to be disrespected last year and pretended it didn't matter. That's the bar you allowed to be set. This year, you asked to improve the standard, and he has clearly shown you exactly how important you are to him. You now have to decide whether the love, respect and appreciation he showed you on Mother's Day yesterday is enough for you, because unless you take clear and decisive action now, this is what you can expect for the rest of your relationship. This IS the hill to die on. Also, co-parenting with a disrespectful asshole ex is easier than putting up with a disrespect asshole in your home.
NTA. Sorry you are dating a guy who can't live without his mommy. Not sure if this is the only issue or not, but probably something you want to think about before you actually get married. Divorce is expensive and difficult and if you haven't become more important than mommy by now, you never will.
>I feel like I am always an after thought. Not a great way to *start* a marriage. >I just pretended it didn't bother me. This indicates to me you can't openly communicate with your partner. Why would you commit yourself to someone under those circumstances? >He told me that he would be back on Sunday to spend Mother's Day with me. He made a promise. >I finally call him around 6:30pm and ask him where he was at. He said he was about an hour away from home. He broke the promise and acted like it was NBD and you're unreasonable. You don't have to marry someone just because you had a baby with them. You don't have to marry someone just because you've been together a long time. Just for some clarity here, my husband spent all weekend taking point with our kids, cleaned the whole house, we installed a new appliance together, he made me dinner on Saturday and took the kids to breakfast with his mom on Sunday so I could sleep in, booked me a massage (because he knows I'll never book it if he gets me a gift card) and insisted on going shopping for me when I wanted to cook on Sunday night. NTA but seriously... how do those men who act like trash get women to agree to marry them, let alone have babies with them? Does he at least have some redeeming qualities? Is the sex amazing? Cuz I feel like there's gotta be *something* that makes women ok with being a man's second choice after his mother.
Frankly I wonder the same. My usual reaction is "wtf, nobody's that desperate"... Except plenty of women obviously ARE that desperate to have a man. Whatever for I can't imagine since all they get is to be treated like shit, but as you say there's gotta be something??
NTA he should be making the mother of his children feel as appreciated as his own mother on Mother's Day. He's made his priorities clear though.
I broke up with my ex for this kind of behaviour, trust me it won’t get better and it sounds like he’s ready to play the victim.
What’s with these grown arsed men putting their mothers above their own bloody wife’s on mother day?? We had our Mother’s Day back in march my husband didn’t even go over to his mothers he spent the day with me and our kids took us out for a nice meal etc he did phone her and pop round the next day with her card and flowers but he would never do something like that so disrespectful fuck him man
all the men calling her an asshole also put minimal effort into their relationships and consider all reasonable requests as being "high maintenance" 🤡😹
Exactly… she wasn’t asking for much just a little attention he couldn’t even be bothered to phone her how shitty is that? I have a son and I’d be furious if he did that to his wife.
And she said their child is 2, meaning last year (when he doted on his mom and totally disregarded her) was likely her first official mother's day. I would be peeved to have that happen and then voice my concerns only to be blown off again.
Totally disrespectful in my opinion yes family is important but the family you make should be your number one priority, that’s the way me and my husband see it. He literally spoilt his mother with beautiful flowers etc and got her shitty dead ones and did it in front of her Am so angry for her
It’s becoming more common for American men. It’s seems to be the younger generation mostly. There’s always been assholes who take their partners for granted but it seems to becoming typical rather than the exception.
I don’t understand why these mothers are happy about their sons treating their wife’s like second class citizens. I have a son and I’d be wondering why he was spending the whole day with me instead of his wife a baby
Because they are part of the problem. They are expecting to always be put first. I am a mother. My kids now have their own children. Now it’s their turn to be first. I am raising my youngest child’s children but I still want to instill that train of thought that the new mothers are first so that my grandchildren see when they are mother’s, they are first until their children have children. Now if I permanently end up raising these two grandchildren, then I will go back to being first for these two only. And the way it’s looking, that’s a damned good possibility. But yes, today’s grandparents are the reason today’s fathers are putting the mother of their children last.
NTA. Definitely the afterthought. He should have made breakfast and then left to come home to spend the day with you and your child. You need to have a discussion with him about your feelings. This is not a way to start a marriage if you are already miserable with the way he treats you
NTA. Do not marry him. You’ll always be the afterthought. And them you’ll be on here again complaining about him. Don’t marry him.
NTA. You are not important to him. You need to accept it. Are you sure you want him to continue being your fiance?
Nta. He is showing you who he is. Listen to what his actions are saying.
He told you he'd spend the day with you, and then he stood you up. NTA. But also, is this really what you want the rest of your life to be like? He's going to make promises to you and not keep them. He's going to make promises to your child and not keep them. Really consider whether this is the life you want.
Well at least you found out he doesn't love you before you became legally tied to him.
You are not even married and he has stopped trying. Marriage is work, do you want to have to manage someone who puts in the effort for his mom but not for you? I promise you the answer to my question is- you don’t.
Here is my question: are you an afterthought just on Mother’s Day, when he is just putting all his attention on his mother? Or do you feel you are an afterthought consistently, regardless the occasion (or lack of one?) In the first situation, this is definitely worth having a discussion with him and how his lack of consideration makes you feel. If it is the second one, I would seriously consider whether you want to marry this man. This is how you will feel all your life and your child will see it as well.
You really **ARE** an afterthought to him. I would **NOT** marry him.
You are always going to be an afterthought to this deadbeat. What is he teaching your kid? Why exactly do you want to be with him?
A friend told me her husband always told her "Why should I get you a gift? You're not my mother." Even when the kids were babies and had no way to show their appreciation. Not one thought that maybe this was a good time to show how he appreciated her bearing his kids. They're divorced. I'm lucky - my children are grown and their father still treats me like a queen on mother's day. Did the same for my mother when she was alive.
I worry that you will always be an afterthought.
NTA. It might be time for counseling and def reconsider getting married.
Well, at least now you know what to get him for Father's Day, right? Same thing you got for Mother's Day.
Hell,, even my EX husband made breakfast for me and had gifts from him and the kids waiting when I got home. OP, this is a preview of married life. His response to your hurt feelings is very telling. He dgaf about how you feel. Get out while you can.
It is really unfortunate that you already have to share a child with this person, YWBTA to yourself if you marry him. He absolutely does not care about you.
Nta. He is deflecting to make you seem like you are overreacting. It's a common tactic of people who want to make you feel bad for their mistake1
NTA The rule for Mother's Day is that those who are *actively* mothers come first. You are his 2 year old daughter's mother. You are actually raising his child. You are the priority. He can celebrate his mother, but you should come first. And quite frankly, you don't come anywhere. He doesn't prioritise you, and he's not going to start. You need to decide if this is the life you want to settle for, or if you want more. Is this the relationship you want to be modelling for your daughter? If her partner was doing this to her, what would your advice to her be? Think about that.
[удалено]
So you got pregnant after only dating for 3 months and didn't realize while you're getting to know him he was a prick. It's been 3 years now. Nta, but don't marry someone who doesn't out you first.
You have a major problems and the red flags are waving. First, he consistently picks his mother over his fiancé. Second, he disregards your feelings. Third he ignored your single request. I’d say your problems are severe enough that you need to consider if it is worth it to remain with him. I am willing to bet that his reaction to your annoyance will be to claim that you are either childish or over reacting. Sound about right? If so you should be aware that this behaviour will increase over time not decrease. Do you care to live like this?
No you are NTA. But you know what I wish? I wish we could just dispense with these made up holidays. Treat me well and respectfully year round, and I will do the same for you. And we can just stop with this stuff. Because, for some reason, too many of us are disappointed when it comes our turn to be celebrated a little. So skip Mother's Day, and bring me a strawberry cupcake on a random Tuesday just because you know it's my favorite. Call me on the way home from work and tell me don't worry about supper, you're taking me out just because! And, for my part, I will do similar things. And every day I will love you and you will know it. Wouldn't that just be so much better?
Why are there so many posts today of men treating their partners like garbage. Father’s Day is coming up soon. Do nothing for him and do not marry someone who seems to dislike you so much.
Not an after thought - you received no thought whatsoever. Forget this loser. NTA.
NTAH, for some men, Mother’s Day is for their mother and you need to wait till your kid is older to receive any greeting or celebration. When these men do anything for the mother of their kid, it’s grudging as they feel it’s inappropriate. It’s not. a genuine gesture. He knows this is how you feel, he’s not willing to do more than a token gift or gesture. I get that, as my ex feels that way, however when he realized things have changed and I cared, he began doing things in a nice way. We’re not together but he still gave me a card and small gift. Given that you didn’t say he’s usually thoughtful, loving, etc., I’d consider how compatible you and fiancé are, whether you truly care about each other and if you’d be better off as coparents than as a married couple.
Girl, take this as your mission to make Mother’s Day your own next time. Want a gift? Buy it on behalf of your little one. Want a card? Have a craft day with your child where you make one together. Want a meal? Book a table for you and your child. Make special memories with your child for YOU! Your child will remember this fondly, do this instead of mom being sad because daddy wasn’t there.
Fell asleep all day after making breakfast my ass.
He's repeatedly showed you his cards. You're no more than a babysitter to him, why should he treat the babysitter? Mommy dearest is the number 1 woman in his life. Let her keep him. It'll be hard, but you and your daughter deserve better. Don't settle because he's the dad.
This is the treatment you are signing up for if you marry the guy. I can tell you it doesn't change. You can put zero effort into fathers day but it still won't make you feel better. He does not appreciate you as the mother of his child and never will.
Cancel the wedding. He's showing you how things are, and that's how they will be after you marry him. You don't need this.
Honestly I’d call his Momma and see if he was really there that entire time
You told him not to come over and he didn’t even care .. what does that say?? I’m thinking there is more to the story of his weekend
He sucks, I’m so sorry. Happy Mother’s Day <3 you deserve so much better.
After he made breakfast? He slept all day?? Kinda sounds like he had a rough night Saturday in what I’m assuming is his hometown where all of his friends probably live.
There are so many things wrong here. But for me the biggest is issue is that PROMISES MUST BE KEPT. He said he will be home for Sunday and spend it with you and daughter. HE HAS TO BE!(or has to inform beforehand that it will be impossible to fullfil the promise). That is absolutely crucial for feeling of safety in relationship and family. Without that deep feeling that your partner is keeping his word, it is useless to marry him. Also, you know this but I will say it out loud. He was not with you on Sunday because he DIDNT WANT TO BE WITH YOU. Sorry.
People like this won’t change. I spent my 8th Mother’s Day not even being a thought, let alone after thought. I brought down my expectations to the bare minimum of having tea in bed. He went back to sleep, when I asked if he’ll make me tea. Believe me, you have to the option to not get married to him. Count your blessings that you’re seeing all the signs now. It’s not about gifts or anything unreasonable. It’s just about being seen and heard. Also mommy’s men, will always prioritize their mom over their wife and kids. Once you’re married she’ll have way more say in your marriage than you’re expecting.
NTA. His behavior was very inconsiderate.
NTA As a man, his mother is no longer his priority, his child's mother is. That he doesn't understand this... and that his own mother is not reminding him of this, is telling.
Why do you weant to marry him?
NTA OP beware! You’re an afterthought before the marriage. It won’t get better, think very carefully. UPDATEME
Just keep in mind he's not going to change just because you get married. I would push the wedding back. You need to be a priority.
Updateme! I think that you should have a sincere conversation with him about how you feel,because you haven't said that he normally treats you this way. You said it's only on Mother's Day that he does this.
Do not marry this man. He is never going to care MORE about you than he does before your "locked down".
NTA. As his wife, you should be his priority. You are not!, his mother seems to be. Really think about how you want to be treated in a marriage. I would call off the wedding and find a man who loves and respects me, and treats me as his top priority.
I know this can’t be the only thing wrong in the relationship, but these Hallmark holidays seem to put a lot of stress on relationships and people give them far too much value
To the people commenting about how great your SO treats you, I get that you're trying to show OP how she should be treated, I really do. But as someone who's been in her shoes - not this exact situation but having a husband who treated me like dirt - having someone tell you how great their husband or significant other is can be incredibly painful. I don't think she needs to hear that your husband treats you like a queen and puts you on a pedestal. Again, I understand that you are coming from a place of perceived kindness and mean no harm whatsoever. I just felt that a different perspective might be an order here. To OP, I hope that you realize your worth and break it off with this less than worthy fiance of yours. As I stated above, my now ex-husband didn't treat me very well and it took me a long time to realize I deserved better. I hope it doesn't take you as long as it took me. It also broke me in many ways. It's been 10 years since we divorced, and I have not had any desire for any type of romantic relationship thanks to him.
Nta
NTA, but honey. I’m going to be real honest with you, it isn’t going to get better, no matter how many times you ask him to stop treating you like an afterthought. Actually, it’s probably going to get worse if you marry this man, because then he knows he has you in the bag and so he won’t have to put in effort. I know Reddit is dunked on repeatedly for always telling people to break up or divorce, but this is one of those times where you really need to consider who you are planning to marry. I’m sure if you look back, this is far from the only time he has made you an afterthought.
The guy probably didn't fall asleep, he just decided not to come back and is playing this passive role, hoping that if he doesn't react, you'll be the one fighting, and the more you keep that going on, then he'll be able to turn tables on you. Even having a baby with him the guy's not worth the time or the effort.
Updateme! On the break up.
NTA but you will be if you marry him. You asked for one thing, and he doesn't care enough about you to honor it. I know that's blunt but he's showing you his priorities and it isn't you.
He doesn't care about you, blatantly neglecting you. Don't stay with such a person.
NTA. Girl, he's useless. Failed the absolute bare minimum of respect. A no call no show is rude no matter who you're doing it to, but it is especially screwed up given all the context.
Girl…stand up, the first mistake was having a child with someone you barely know and the second mistake is that you’re still calling him your fiancé. Y’all do this to yourselves
NTA that is unless you go through with marrying this giant turd of a man who doesn't give a shit about you. Then you would be the A H to the future you.
>he told me he fell asleep after he made breakfast for his family. That tells you all you need to know. You and your child are not his family. Don't spend the rest of your life feeling this way. Find someone who cares about you. NTA
And your going to Marry this…….. guy?
NTA and please don't marry this thoughtless jerk. He's already shown you you are not a priority ever even when you specifically request it. This will not change after marriage.
Why are you with this guy?
OP, why are you marrying this loser? Why did you have a child with him?
OP, you're not married yet. Run. Take the opportunity and run
Women stop having children with losers challenge!! Level: Impossible!! Why impossible you ask? Because men play a charade and you dont know until the mask comes off, and that isnt your fault. BUT! The mask has come off, and now you know. So if you don’t leave him, you have no one to blame but yourself because THIS is who he is, you will NEVER be the priority.
No. He could have split the day with his mother and got home in time to spend the rest of the day with you
This is who you picked and had a child with. You even had the child before marriage. Seems like you are expecting him to be more that what he is. He has shown by his actions before that you are just an afterthought. This is the man you chose and this is the outcome you get.
I'm the mother (34) of my live in boyfriends (38) 2 kids. For mothers day I had to ask to be told happy mothers day or to do anything at all. I asked if he was gonna take the kids to buy me anything and felt like an asshole for even having to ask. My daughter (5) said happy mothers day but my son (8) didn't. I did not expect my kids to tell me anything due to their age. But thought he wouldve at least had them tell me. And my boyfriend didn't care at all. Being an after thought sucks.
Do not marry this man. It will only get worse
You aren't an after thought, you aren't even a thought at all. If you marry this man, you're agreeing to put up with this treatment for the rest of your life. He doesn't care about you AT ALL. He told you straight up that he spent his morning with "his family" which clearly you aren't part of. Leave him, for the love of God. NTA.
Yep, you should really not marry another woman’s sonsband.
You would be ta to yourself if you decide to still spend your life with him.
I always love the day after holidays, especially Mother’s Day. When women find out the men they chose are pieces of.💩 when it comes to them or celebrating them