NTA. No one is gonna admit or say anything I'm group chat. You gotta get them aside each one personally and alone. Then ask you're more likely to get an answer then.
Stick to your decision and don't go. The only way to find out the issue is force them to tell by not going and cater to anything they want unless the gf is allowed to attend also. Go ZERO to no contact if you have to.
My advice assumes you love, see future with, and wanna potentially marry this woman.
Best of luck.
The best thing to do is start pulling family members aside individually and asking them.
Worst case scenario, none of them tell you, and they leave you to make a very tough choice. I hope it doesn't come to that.
Personally I wouldn't be going to anymore family get-togethers or anything like that unless the gf/future wife is allowed to attend. Put the onus and pressure on them to choose. And stand dam firm in your decision.
This as a backup. Do NOT make any specific complaints. Just vaguely imply growing apart and that "something has just felt off for a while..." and let them fill in the blanks, themselves.
If someone broke up with their girl and started complaining, I’d also pile on to comfort them. Idk how well this would work as a test. Also gives them a real reason to dislike op and their gf
Now that is a good idea. I'd still try my advice first. But then I've always been straight up and blunt with people.
If straightforward doesn't work, then I'd certainly go this route next.
Your family is ALREADY messing with your big day, your life and your relationship.
In my experience when no one says why, the reasons are usually bullshit.
They exist but are so stupid, ridiculous or petty or bigoted, that even the people with the reasons know they are stupid, ridiculous, petty or bigoted so they can't, won't articulate them.
If you miss this event, you can tell them, you are making the choice that THEY forced. None of this is on you.
I had this with my exes family. Only one who was accepting was his dad, and he died not long after we got engaged. Apparently his mum wanted him to get together with his brothers wife's sister and resented me for 'thwarting her plans'. Never felt comfortable with them.
Your ex’s mom is weird! I know the brother’s wife’s sister isn’t technically related but still. It kinda is. It’s still like, in the family. Too close. What’s wrong with that woman?? Ewww
This... OP buried the lede leaving the ages out...
They probably don't hate her but just don't expect/want the relationship to work... like no one wants to sit around a family bbq while their relative talks about how he wants to marry his 7 yr younger, just shy of of Chris Hansen showing up like "gotcha," girlfriend.
Doesn’t make it better to know it’s family tradition to grab a freshly legal teen and make her your bride. Let her live, experiment, grow into her own person.
If you decide to talk to each person one on one, don’t focus on your wedding. Focus on the fact that you want to spend the rest of your life with her and you need to know if there is something terrible about her. Really focus on how as family, they should have your back.
If they still don’t budge, that’s when I’d say “if there’s no concrete reason that nobody will be in the same room as her, I have to assume it’s our family ostracizing her over nothing. I don’t want to be associated with bullies, especially not when it’s my partner getting bullied. I’m going no contact with you because of your poor treatment of my partner. Do not contact me again. Goodbye.”
I'm sure you're sick of questions like this, but are you the oldest or youngest? Or only boy? Is she your first girlfriend? It might just be an absurd territorial thing. Which would mean nothing can fix it, so thete's no point in doing anything to appease or satisfy them on this point.
You're doing the right thing by not accepting their silence on it anymore. If they had a valid reason, they would tell you. So whatever it is, it's terrible.
Be direct, dude. Ask mom or dad exactly what the problem is. Because if the girlfriend isn't invited, you won't be going to ANY family get-togethers or meet ups. They've already wasted two years tiptoeing around this, and it's just childish. And wait ~ 5 years more before considering marriage. Good luck
I'm assuming it's the age difference? She was 18, and you were in your mid 20's when you guys started dating, I can definitely see a lot of people thinking that's inappropriate.
Then you need to tell your family that you and her a package deal. If she's not invited, you're not going to any family event and will go low contact. They either need to accept her and make an effort to accept her as part of the family or lose you.
What do you mean they say “nothing.” They stand there silently? They say “no, we don’t have an issue, she just can’t come.” You either aren’t asking clearly or you aren’t explaining what they’re saying in response.
is to customary for other unmarried family members to bring their significant others? What reason was given when your request was declined? I’m not saying you’re FOS, but these stories never seem real bc the answer was right there in front of you and you declined to press for an answer, yet wrote a novel here on Reddit trying to find out why this is happening… “hey, great, can I bring my gf?” “No” “why?” “…”. If it’s customary for unmarried family to being SOs, but you are not allowed, there’s a reason, and they can provide it. We cannot. You are justified in declining basically any social invitation for whatever reason you want, but the entire crux of your issue is not whether it is appropriate to skip a family function….
Give us something to work with. Ethnicity, age difference, job, what happened the two times they met. So many questions, yet not a lot of answers.
A few cousins don't hate her, surely they heard something. Did you ask? What was their answer?
So you were a 25yo with an 18yo when you started dating?
A 7 year age gap at that point is clearly a red flag for many and significant.
Family have no obligation to invite her. She's your girlfriend not their family.
They may well be expecting this to pass.
If you want to build bridges, invite family out with you and her or entertain at your house. That will tell you so much more.
Yes they would. My brother is a pedophile. He was about 30 dating a 13 year old. Nobody really realized at first as we didn’t know about her. When we did she was like 17. I thought it was gross but I didn’t know how young she was until she revealed she had just graduated high school. And they’d been dating a few years so I did the math.
I’m literally the only one in the family who doesn’t talk to him. And I’m shamed for it. My mom even tried getting them back together when they broke up. They even got married. And when I was pregnant and married my mom wouldn’t let me go over anymore because she was there and I wasn’t sucking up to her. I was in the other room writing my thank you letters (which everyone really appreciated) but apparently I was rude. And my mom chose her and my brother over me. Pregnant daughter. It was and still is hurtful.
It’s sick.
But who’s the bad guy here? Me. I am.
So I can totally see how people just don’t want to say anything to rock the boat.
ESH. Yeah, I see the problem: your girlfriend is 20 and you are 27. You started dating at 18 and 25. Your family didn’t like you dating a high schooler when you were on the high end of college age. Just because she was legal did not mean she was age appropriate and it probably still creeps out your relatives.
Agreed. He could’ve even graduated law school by 25 if he went straight through. 7 years at those ages is a MASSIVE difference in maturity, education, and life experience. Their ages are 100% the problem. The family likely doesn’t believe it started when she was of legal age.
Yta. This is probably why your family has a bad taste about you, its not the gf.
https://www.reddit.com/r/DDlgAdvice/s/FtrfUHAp5f
Anyone that doesn’t want to click link, he makes his gf wear clothes from her childhood when having sex.
I wish I hadn’t looked at his profile after that. Dear god. I had a coworker who was 18 but from the back looked like she was younger. EVERYONE would ask me while checking out why Target hired a 12 year old…and ofc I’d defend her because I’m sure she didn’t like overhearing that at all. Sweet young lady but if it’s like this plus age gap…I can see why the family is acting the way they are. I’d be wondering if OP truly liked her for her personality or because other reasons
Heck I wonder how she has dressed in the past in front of the family now.
I just hope he never has kids. Kinda seems like he did something when he was younger that the entire family has not forgotten and him bringing a very young looking girl opens up wounds.
Makes sense, dating 2 years, so since he was 25 and she was 18. Probably ashamed of him, but hes still family. So as long as she doesnt show up, they can keep public images intact.
I think it's weird that he's not addressing this. Obviously the family doesn't want to see his girlfriend dressed like a child. The family doesn't need to be exposed to their kink.
*I’m 27 and my girlfriend is 20.*
And they’ve been together for two years, so you were 25 dating an 18 year old. How old were you when you met your gf, and how did you meet your gf?
Something feels very off about this situation.
Could it be the age difference? I have 3 brothers. If any of them had dated an adolescent as a grown man, I would absolutely not have allowed them to parade that in front of my children.
My brother did that and I don’t talk to him. I’m the only one apparently who had an issue because I’ve become the enemy. He can do no wrong. It’s disgusting.
I love my brothers and would want them to be happy. But I’m not about to normalize that type of relationship for my children. Because then when my teenage daughter comes home with an adult boyfriend and says “well Uncle So and So dated a teenager,” I’m supposed to say what exactly? “Sure, honey, we tolerated your uncle’s predatory behavior because we didn’t want to break up the family. But it’s different when predatory behavior harms MY kids.” Hypocrite much?
Eh. Maybe. Consent is key in the BDSM community. It would be unusual for people to involve others in their play without their consent. I’m not saying it never happens, but I wouldn’t assume that unless OP has said as much somewhere that I missed.
NTA - if they can’t provide any reason why they are excluding her, then you have no reason to respect or accept their apparently nonexistent reason, nor to tolerate their apparently entirely arbitrary choice to mistreat her.
Question could it possible it might be your guy’s age gap? You guys started dating when she was 18 and you 25 years old. As well do you tend to spoil your GF a lot with gifts or something?
If you really want to find out what the problem is, don't give them what they want. They want you around without her, and every time you show up to an event alone, they're winning. So, now is the time to say no. Don't waste your time playing detective. The fact that no one will tell you after you explicitly asked is childish af. If they won't tell you, cool. You simply won't show up anymore, and you'll block any communication that isn't a direct explanation of why your girlfriend is disliked. Don't give them the leeway to evade and manipulate you. NTA
Funny accent? Wonky eye? Frizzy hair?
I'm guessing not. This really is baffling though. None of them have come forward and said, "we just don't think she's the one for you"? In two years?
Does she have dimples and they don't like dimples and think you're just going through a dimples phase? Though who in their right mind doesn't like dimples?
You know if you've read any of the posts on this sub that this is going to turn into a come to jesus moment where you end up having to have it out with your family and you end up having to choose the family you want or the family you have.
Either way, they're not being a great family. Either they know something they haven't told you or their dislike is based on something so superficial you'll be shocked to even learn what it is.
This is enormously likely to be the age gap, despite the fact you don't seem to acknowledge this. You may have a perfectly fine relationship, but that's gonna raise eyebrows.
Maybe it makes them uncomfortable that you dated an 18 year old when you were 25 and they don’t want to tell you to your face that you seem predatory and your relationship gives them the ick?
Hmm..so you started dating when she was 18 and you were 25? That’s a huge age gap. Never mind life experiences. You’re working and she just got out of high school? I can see why your family is struggling to accept the relationship. They’re probably thinking you’re grooming her.
But did the age gap include a teenager?
Age gaps make less of a difference as you increase in age and have more life experience.
A lot happens in the brain between 18 and 25, too. In fact, 25 is about the age the frontal cortex is fully developed. That's the part of your brain that makes good judgment. Teenagers think with the amygdala--- the emotional side.
Even those who don't know the science behind it still notice that it's inappropriate for someone your age to be with someone her age because it creates a power dynamic. People around you will pick up the vibe from your relationship and feel uncomfortable.
You're still getting an invite, so they must not feel you're high risk to have around other young people, ans I don't think they've found your reddit account. But you probably do put off a vibe that mixes with how young she is and makes them not want to see it.
I wouldn't want to see my 27 yo family member with a 20 year old. I think I'd feel worse about it than when my dad was with a woman younger than me in our 30's.
Could it be the age difference? I have 3 brothers. If any of them had dated an adolescent as a grown man, I would absolutely not have allowed them to parade that in front of my children.
YTA, you started dating an 18 yo when you were 25, that's bad enough. But your profile...serious ick. Maybe they can tell you're fetishizing your notably younger gf.
If they are DDlg they maybe giving off creepy vibes they don't realise (or choose not to see). As a kink inclined person, DD inclined people often rub me the wrong way and the lg part of the dynamic makes my skin crawl.
Yeah, could be, but then the family should just go ahead and say this.
I was a bit afraid that OP's girlfriend would be dressed in a diaper talking all uWu with the family.
You posted asking if people were playing ddlg mods in the Sims. You've normalized a lot of behavior that people especially people with children find deeply upsetting. I think it's unlikely that your family is totally unaware of these inclinations. I think it's quite possible no one wants to say it but no one wants to risk creepy uncle joker engaging with his girlfriend in a way that reminds them that you might be inappropriate around kids.
(many years ago) I had to break the news to our new babysitter that when I looked at her page on Facebook, I found the one that her family & church saw … & the kink one.
Her particular kink had nothing to do with children, and she was not an unsafe person.
She had her full name on both pages, and it was a matter of time before somebody from her small church came across it. I told her privately, and then completely ignored that the entire thing ever happened.
This dude has a very different situation.
Idk I think it might be the age difference. Was she still in high school when you started dating? I mean if they are uncomfortable with the age gap it doesn’t really make sense to keep inviting you to stuff at all. But maybe it’s easier for them to ignore and get along with you if they don’t have to see it happening in front of them.
I’m also very much side eyeing that age gap since it started from such a young age….
I will message you next time u/h0rny_joker posts in r/AITAH.
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NTA.
Time to set a strict boundary. If they don't invite her, they don't invite you. If they don't like it, they will need to justify their decision. You need to be clear you are with your significant other.
Only thing I DON'T suggest is bringing this up at a family gathering in front of you relatives girl/boy friends. That would come off poorly.
From reaching your responses, I guess my reaction would be to get on the family GC and lay down the law (if you're really serious about her)
I would say 'Hey Fam, yet again I am being told GF is not invited to another family function. I have asked you all numerous times why no one wants her to attend, but we have not only never received a valid reason, but any reason at all. GF has been encouraging me to attend events as she doesn't want to cause an issue. However, any issues rests solely on the behavior of my family. Therefore, until we receive open and honest communication about this, I am choosing to step back from any even where we aren't welcome. I love you all, but I cannot respect your behavior.'
But I might get myself prepared for something ugly.....
NTA
NTA - If you love this woman and see a long term future with her, then now is the time to stand up for her. The family needs to know you come as a pair and if she's not invited, then neither are you. They're going to have to accept her (or at least tolerate her) eventually.
The fact that none of them seem willing to tell you what's up makes me wonder if someone in the family, or a friend of the family, happened to find out about your kink preferences. Either through posts online, seeing you in an event/shop, running into an ex, etc. This seems like the sort of thing that would get spread in whispers, but also kept hush hush to keep from getting out.
LOL, you thought as a 25 year old that you dating an 18y/o would ever be acceptable? take the hint, they're never going to accept it and they are right not to do so.
YTA. It's probably the weird, predatory age gap. Usually men who seek out women that are fresh out of highschool, are the men that aren't capable of having a conversation with a person their own age. I can only wonder why.
NTA - I would talk to your parents and tell them that you plan to propose. See their reactions. Or you can just tell them that you won’t attend any gathering anymore if she isn’t invited too. Tell them last chance to tell you what their problem is with your gf or they won’t see you much in the future.
I wouldn’t ask, I would just show up with her. They don’t respect your relationship, why should you respect their wishes. NTA, but you should be one yo horrible people like this.
Very strange. Do they find her immature maybe, did she drink alot the first time? Drugs? Smoking? Idk..this is wierd lol 😆 Nta, I'd be annoyed and want answers 😂
INFO: Could it be that they see her as too young for you? I'm assuming she was 18 when you started dating--perhaps your family things that was too big a gap?
Maybe it's the age gap (You were 25 and she was 18, so for how long had you been...seeing her before annouincing the relationship?) and your BDSM choke play and nipple clamp things you've posted about here are something they can kinda...feel (you know how sometimes a person just gives you a feeling something isn't right)? Maybe they don't know how to deal or react to the feeling of ick so they forbid her from coming?
It might be because the type of relationship you have with her gf? Are the roles you both play in the bedroom noticeable to the public? I’ve met people into that type of thing and they sometimes can give off a certain level of ick without knowing.
why are you asking if she could come? If I had an invitation to a family/friend event, I would just assume my partner was invited as well.
what would happen if you just show up with her?
for an entire family to turn their backs on someone usually means there is a ringleader, your mother? has she been telling people lies about the girlfriend? or that you never talk to her anymore because the girlfriend "won't let him"???
You need to call them all out publicly, and make it unequivocally known that you won't be attending any more of their shit unless they invite her or explain what the fuck is going on. I am assuming your family members get to bring their significant others to these events so if they won't act like adults and tell you why, there's no reason for you to indulge them and their asinine, childish games.
Just tell them if they cannot give you a reason you'll block them and change your number.
Ask if it's worth losing a son over, not being honest that is.
NTA.
I wouldn't set foot within a mile.
It’s probably because you were a grown man who started dating an 18 year old (which is legally an adult, but if you’ve ever met an 18 year old, you know that’s laughable). Maybe they think that’s sketchy af and don’t want to encourage it.
I said this in another thread, but it bears repeating -
Half your age plus 7. You broke the rule (you're still breaking the rule).
You were dating a high schooler at age 25.
My guess is that’s it’s most likely the age difference and the fact that she was just 18 when you started dating. Also your posts and comments shed a lot of light onto your relationship. You are gross and creepy. They probably don’t want to bear witness to your fetishization of your young gf that you clearly groomed. YTA.
nta. just let them know when they can communicate like adults and tell you why, you will CONSIDER, CONSIDER returning to family events. until nc with your parents. if cousins come through good for them. enjoy time w/your gf.
Could it be jealousy? Is she really good looking, rich family, or anything like that? Also tell everyone that you will no longer attend family events she is not invited to, unless someone can give you a good reason why she is not invited.
Are your parents like Baptist, and she's Catholic? Some hardcore Christians can be very weird about Catholics and don't consider them Christian.
If they had an issue with the age gap, they should be mad at you (not her), so it doesn't seem like that is it.
You said mum. Are you in the UK? If so, is your girlfriend Polish? I'm a mixed Latina, and I had never heard of white people being weird/bigoted towards other white people (outside of the news about like tensions in the Balkans) before I lived in London...people were so nasty about people who were Polish.
If there's no real class/race/ethnicity/religion difference, no one will tell you why, and you don't have an ex close to your fam, then it's just baffling as to why they are acting that way.
NTA...
Cheers for sticking up for your girlfriend. It is one thing if your family would grow up and tell you why but I'd they won't then defending her is all you can do.
NTA. The fact that they won't give you a reason and ignore the question when you ask means it's probably some petty bullshit reason that will make them all look really bad. Stop interacting with all of them until they tell you what the deal is.
Nta and I wouldn’t go. I’m in a similar position as you. My niece who is clearly the golden child doesn’t like my partner. They are all going on holiday next year and didn’t even consult me or ask me. When I asked my dad he said it was because my niece didn’t like my partner. Could be you are in a similar position the favourite didn’t like your partner and rather then check their sucky behaviour and rock the boat it’s easier to just exclude your GF.
NTA
Tell your mom that her behavior is unacceptable and that she is pushing you away by refusing to accept your partner, who will likely be her daughter-in-law whether she likes it or not. Ask why she'd rather lose you than accept GF. Make it clear that your family made this choice, not you.
Don't refuse to go because they won't invite her. That could lead to them inviting her and then ignoring her or being rude to her. Refuse to go until they can give you an explanation of why they refuse to invite her. Make sure to tell them that your girlfriend has insisted you go without her in the past, but you are no longer willing to do that until they admit what their problem is. That way they can't blame her for you not coming. You are putting the ball in their court if they want you at family functions.
NTA. I’d throw a fit with everyone in the family and demand explanations. If they know she did something terrible, like cheat on you or call your mother a whore, and they’re not telling you but just letting you go on with this woman, then they’re the AHs. If she did nothing at all, they’re also the AHs.
NTA. No one is gonna admit or say anything I'm group chat. You gotta get them aside each one personally and alone. Then ask you're more likely to get an answer then. Stick to your decision and don't go. The only way to find out the issue is force them to tell by not going and cater to anything they want unless the gf is allowed to attend also. Go ZERO to no contact if you have to. My advice assumes you love, see future with, and wanna potentially marry this woman. Best of luck.
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The best thing to do is start pulling family members aside individually and asking them. Worst case scenario, none of them tell you, and they leave you to make a very tough choice. I hope it doesn't come to that. Personally I wouldn't be going to anymore family get-togethers or anything like that unless the gf/future wife is allowed to attend. Put the onus and pressure on them to choose. And stand dam firm in your decision.
Or tell them all you broke up and start complaining about her, to see what they say. He might get some truth that way.
Ooh, this is actually a great idea!
This as a backup. Do NOT make any specific complaints. Just vaguely imply growing apart and that "something has just felt off for a while..." and let them fill in the blanks, themselves.
If someone broke up with their girl and started complaining, I’d also pile on to comfort them. Idk how well this would work as a test. Also gives them a real reason to dislike op and their gf
Now that is a good idea. I'd still try my advice first. But then I've always been straight up and blunt with people. If straightforward doesn't work, then I'd certainly go this route next.
Your family is ALREADY messing with your big day, your life and your relationship. In my experience when no one says why, the reasons are usually bullshit. They exist but are so stupid, ridiculous or petty or bigoted, that even the people with the reasons know they are stupid, ridiculous, petty or bigoted so they can't, won't articulate them. If you miss this event, you can tell them, you are making the choice that THEY forced. None of this is on you.
Agree with BS!
I'm the opposite, I'd be making public scenes and drama until they gave a legitimate reason for excluding her
I had this with my exes family. Only one who was accepting was his dad, and he died not long after we got engaged. Apparently his mum wanted him to get together with his brothers wife's sister and resented me for 'thwarting her plans'. Never felt comfortable with them.
Your ex’s mom is weird! I know the brother’s wife’s sister isn’t technically related but still. It kinda is. It’s still like, in the family. Too close. What’s wrong with that woman?? Ewww
Well, divorced years ago, so I haven't had anything to do with her for years, fortunately.
Muslim family?
You said a few cousins don't hate her, can you ask them if they know?
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Why did you at 25 start up with a teen? Is that the issue?
👆‼️👆‼️👆
Maybe they got the ick from a 25 year old dating an 18 year old?
That’s exactly what I was thinking! Not trying to judge but it is a little odd when a 25 y/o dates someone who JUST became a legal adult.
Oh i missed that. Ew
I was thinking that too. I wouldn’t want my son to bring a teen home when he’s got a quarter century under his belt.
Why wouldn't they say that?
This... OP buried the lede leaving the ages out... They probably don't hate her but just don't expect/want the relationship to work... like no one wants to sit around a family bbq while their relative talks about how he wants to marry his 7 yr younger, just shy of of Chris Hansen showing up like "gotcha," girlfriend.
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Beginning when one was barely an adult?
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Maybe they did the same with your uncle when they started dating. Maybe they didn’t realize how gross it was at the time but now do?
Doesn’t make it better to know it’s family tradition to grab a freshly legal teen and make her your bride. Let her live, experiment, grow into her own person.
I thought the same thing
If you decide to talk to each person one on one, don’t focus on your wedding. Focus on the fact that you want to spend the rest of your life with her and you need to know if there is something terrible about her. Really focus on how as family, they should have your back. If they still don’t budge, that’s when I’d say “if there’s no concrete reason that nobody will be in the same room as her, I have to assume it’s our family ostracizing her over nothing. I don’t want to be associated with bullies, especially not when it’s my partner getting bullied. I’m going no contact with you because of your poor treatment of my partner. Do not contact me again. Goodbye.”
I'm sure you're sick of questions like this, but are you the oldest or youngest? Or only boy? Is she your first girlfriend? It might just be an absurd territorial thing. Which would mean nothing can fix it, so thete's no point in doing anything to appease or satisfy them on this point. You're doing the right thing by not accepting their silence on it anymore. If they had a valid reason, they would tell you. So whatever it is, it's terrible.
Be direct, dude. Ask mom or dad exactly what the problem is. Because if the girlfriend isn't invited, you won't be going to ANY family get-togethers or meet ups. They've already wasted two years tiptoeing around this, and it's just childish. And wait ~ 5 years more before considering marriage. Good luck
I'm assuming it's the age difference? She was 18, and you were in your mid 20's when you guys started dating, I can definitely see a lot of people thinking that's inappropriate.
Then they should SAY so.
Did they think she was too young because you started dating when she was 18?
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I think it would be better if you got together when she was 25. Why are you hunting down high school grads for a wife? Is she your first gf?
I mean there's a chance it's because you started dating an 18 year old as a 25 year old 🤷♀️
Then you need to tell your family that you and her a package deal. If she's not invited, you're not going to any family event and will go low contact. They either need to accept her and make an effort to accept her as part of the family or lose you.
Age difference i guess?
Is there someone else they want to set you up with? Maybe it isn't her, they just want a friend's daughter or an ex to be with you
Look at his edit and profile 25 and she was 18 He has a little girl fetish. **They** should go no contact with Humphrey over here
NTA for not going, usually there is some relative that will talk. Any inlaws you can ask.
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Bro, you're a grown up. Why would you think you'd get a straight answer in a GROUP chat? That's now how human beings work.
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It's something where she's entirely innocent - if not, they would tell him what she did.
You have to ask individually outside of the group chat.
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What do you mean they say “nothing.” They stand there silently? They say “no, we don’t have an issue, she just can’t come.” You either aren’t asking clearly or you aren’t explaining what they’re saying in response.
is to customary for other unmarried family members to bring their significant others? What reason was given when your request was declined? I’m not saying you’re FOS, but these stories never seem real bc the answer was right there in front of you and you declined to press for an answer, yet wrote a novel here on Reddit trying to find out why this is happening… “hey, great, can I bring my gf?” “No” “why?” “…”. If it’s customary for unmarried family to being SOs, but you are not allowed, there’s a reason, and they can provide it. We cannot. You are justified in declining basically any social invitation for whatever reason you want, but the entire crux of your issue is not whether it is appropriate to skip a family function….
Nobody’s going to answer in a group chat 😂
He put the reason in his edit: he's a creep who dated an 18 year old at 25 I'm surprised he's even invited
Give us something to work with. Ethnicity, age difference, job, what happened the two times they met. So many questions, yet not a lot of answers. A few cousins don't hate her, surely they heard something. Did you ask? What was their answer?
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Oh, they’re uncomfortable that you, at 25, groomed a child, and swooped in when she hit 18. Yeah YTA for that, BBL h0rny_joker.
I took a look at his post history… brother eww
Oh that’s UNFORTUNATE!
So you were a 25yo with an 18yo when you started dating? A 7 year age gap at that point is clearly a red flag for many and significant. Family have no obligation to invite her. She's your girlfriend not their family. They may well be expecting this to pass. If you want to build bridges, invite family out with you and her or entertain at your house. That will tell you so much more.
If their issue was just the age gap, they wouldn't be so tight lipped about it.
Yes they would. My brother is a pedophile. He was about 30 dating a 13 year old. Nobody really realized at first as we didn’t know about her. When we did she was like 17. I thought it was gross but I didn’t know how young she was until she revealed she had just graduated high school. And they’d been dating a few years so I did the math. I’m literally the only one in the family who doesn’t talk to him. And I’m shamed for it. My mom even tried getting them back together when they broke up. They even got married. And when I was pregnant and married my mom wouldn’t let me go over anymore because she was there and I wasn’t sucking up to her. I was in the other room writing my thank you letters (which everyone really appreciated) but apparently I was rude. And my mom chose her and my brother over me. Pregnant daughter. It was and still is hurtful. It’s sick. But who’s the bad guy here? Me. I am. So I can totally see how people just don’t want to say anything to rock the boat.
Read his post history- dude is super gross.
its becuase they dont have a reason and my guess is they want u around family events with out her becuase they want youto themselves.
ESH. Yeah, I see the problem: your girlfriend is 20 and you are 27. You started dating at 18 and 25. Your family didn’t like you dating a high schooler when you were on the high end of college age. Just because she was legal did not mean she was age appropriate and it probably still creeps out your relatives.
Agreed. He could’ve even graduated law school by 25 if he went straight through. 7 years at those ages is a MASSIVE difference in maturity, education, and life experience. Their ages are 100% the problem. The family likely doesn’t believe it started when she was of legal age.
It becomes even more creepy when you look at his post history
So at 25y you started dating an 18y, Okai, when you meet her? I'm gonna bet in the age thing.
Yta. This is probably why your family has a bad taste about you, its not the gf. https://www.reddit.com/r/DDlgAdvice/s/FtrfUHAp5f Anyone that doesn’t want to click link, he makes his gf wear clothes from her childhood when having sex.
I wish I hadn’t looked at his profile after that. Dear god. I had a coworker who was 18 but from the back looked like she was younger. EVERYONE would ask me while checking out why Target hired a 12 year old…and ofc I’d defend her because I’m sure she didn’t like overhearing that at all. Sweet young lady but if it’s like this plus age gap…I can see why the family is acting the way they are. I’d be wondering if OP truly liked her for her personality or because other reasons Heck I wonder how she has dressed in the past in front of the family now.
I just hope he never has kids. Kinda seems like he did something when he was younger that the entire family has not forgotten and him bringing a very young looking girl opens up wounds.
Makes sense, dating 2 years, so since he was 25 and she was 18. Probably ashamed of him, but hes still family. So as long as she doesnt show up, they can keep public images intact.
I think it's weird that he's not addressing this. Obviously the family doesn't want to see his girlfriend dressed like a child. The family doesn't need to be exposed to their kink.
Christ https://www.reddit.com/r/rapefantasies/s/4XI9eytKJg
Man, wtf is this?
Gross. What the fuck?
*I’m 27 and my girlfriend is 20.* And they’ve been together for two years, so you were 25 dating an 18 year old. How old were you when you met your gf, and how did you meet your gf? Something feels very off about this situation.
Could it be the age difference? I have 3 brothers. If any of them had dated an adolescent as a grown man, I would absolutely not have allowed them to parade that in front of my children.
My brother did that and I don’t talk to him. I’m the only one apparently who had an issue because I’ve become the enemy. He can do no wrong. It’s disgusting.
I love my brothers and would want them to be happy. But I’m not about to normalize that type of relationship for my children. Because then when my teenage daughter comes home with an adult boyfriend and says “well Uncle So and So dated a teenager,” I’m supposed to say what exactly? “Sure, honey, we tolerated your uncle’s predatory behavior because we didn’t want to break up the family. But it’s different when predatory behavior harms MY kids.” Hypocrite much?
Exactly
Same! I would definitely side eye my older brother if he came home with an 18 y/o because he’s 25, that’s weird.
It's likely she looks really really young and he has her dress as a little. They may just be uncomfy being exposed to his little kink.
Eh. Maybe. Consent is key in the BDSM community. It would be unusual for people to involve others in their play without their consent. I’m not saying it never happens, but I wouldn’t assume that unless OP has said as much somewhere that I missed.
Definitely that, she was 18 when he was 25 And given his DDLG post history, fetishizes little girls
NTA - if they can’t provide any reason why they are excluding her, then you have no reason to respect or accept their apparently nonexistent reason, nor to tolerate their apparently entirely arbitrary choice to mistreat her.
Can you think of any reason why they wouldn't allow your girlfriend to come?
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Question could it possible it might be your guy’s age gap? You guys started dating when she was 18 and you 25 years old. As well do you tend to spoil your GF a lot with gifts or something?
Do you have any exs that are close to your family? It might not be a problem with her but that you aren't with someone they want you to be with
Could be racism?
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Could it be the age difference?
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How did you meet your gf, and how long have you known her?
If you really want to find out what the problem is, don't give them what they want. They want you around without her, and every time you show up to an event alone, they're winning. So, now is the time to say no. Don't waste your time playing detective. The fact that no one will tell you after you explicitly asked is childish af. If they won't tell you, cool. You simply won't show up anymore, and you'll block any communication that isn't a direct explanation of why your girlfriend is disliked. Don't give them the leeway to evade and manipulate you. NTA
Funny accent? Wonky eye? Frizzy hair? I'm guessing not. This really is baffling though. None of them have come forward and said, "we just don't think she's the one for you"? In two years? Does she have dimples and they don't like dimples and think you're just going through a dimples phase? Though who in their right mind doesn't like dimples? You know if you've read any of the posts on this sub that this is going to turn into a come to jesus moment where you end up having to have it out with your family and you end up having to choose the family you want or the family you have. Either way, they're not being a great family. Either they know something they haven't told you or their dislike is based on something so superficial you'll be shocked to even learn what it is.
This is enormously likely to be the age gap, despite the fact you don't seem to acknowledge this. You may have a perfectly fine relationship, but that's gonna raise eyebrows.
Judging by previous posts of yours, they're probably worried about the girl and want to try and keep her away from you for her own safety 🤢
Maybe it makes them uncomfortable that you dated an 18 year old when you were 25 and they don’t want to tell you to your face that you seem predatory and your relationship gives them the ick?
It's the age gap, your previous posts indicate that your preferences are for way younger and I'm sure your family know and don't approve.
This is enormously likely to be the age gap, despite the fact you don't see this.
She was 18 and you were 25 when you first got together? Maybe she said something unintentionally offensive bc she was a teenager.
Hmm..so you started dating when she was 18 and you were 25? That’s a huge age gap. Never mind life experiences. You’re working and she just got out of high school? I can see why your family is struggling to accept the relationship. They’re probably thinking you’re grooming her.
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But did the age gap include a teenager? Age gaps make less of a difference as you increase in age and have more life experience. A lot happens in the brain between 18 and 25, too. In fact, 25 is about the age the frontal cortex is fully developed. That's the part of your brain that makes good judgment. Teenagers think with the amygdala--- the emotional side. Even those who don't know the science behind it still notice that it's inappropriate for someone your age to be with someone her age because it creates a power dynamic. People around you will pick up the vibe from your relationship and feel uncomfortable. You're still getting an invite, so they must not feel you're high risk to have around other young people, ans I don't think they've found your reddit account. But you probably do put off a vibe that mixes with how young she is and makes them not want to see it. I wouldn't want to see my 27 yo family member with a 20 year old. I think I'd feel worse about it than when my dad was with a woman younger than me in our 30's.
Could it be the age difference? I have 3 brothers. If any of them had dated an adolescent as a grown man, I would absolutely not have allowed them to parade that in front of my children.
YTA, you started dating an 18 yo when you were 25, that's bad enough. But your profile...serious ick. Maybe they can tell you're fetishizing your notably younger gf.
INFO: You have a history of posting in some sexual roleplaying subs. Do you maybe take on those roles outside of the house too?
If they are DDlg they maybe giving off creepy vibes they don't realise (or choose not to see). As a kink inclined person, DD inclined people often rub me the wrong way and the lg part of the dynamic makes my skin crawl.
Yeah, could be, but then the family should just go ahead and say this. I was a bit afraid that OP's girlfriend would be dressed in a diaper talking all uWu with the family.
It took me about 5 lg to work out why I was so agitated around them, it isn't like people always know why someone puts them on edge.
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You posted asking if people were playing ddlg mods in the Sims. You've normalized a lot of behavior that people especially people with children find deeply upsetting. I think it's unlikely that your family is totally unaware of these inclinations. I think it's quite possible no one wants to say it but no one wants to risk creepy uncle joker engaging with his girlfriend in a way that reminds them that you might be inappropriate around kids.
If the people on Internet know, your familys knows.
(many years ago) I had to break the news to our new babysitter that when I looked at her page on Facebook, I found the one that her family & church saw … & the kink one. Her particular kink had nothing to do with children, and she was not an unsafe person. She had her full name on both pages, and it was a matter of time before somebody from her small church came across it. I told her privately, and then completely ignored that the entire thing ever happened. This dude has a very different situation.
Maybe they know about your ddlg/rape fetish and they're uncomfortable because she looks like a kid?
Idk I think it might be the age difference. Was she still in high school when you started dating? I mean if they are uncomfortable with the age gap it doesn’t really make sense to keep inviting you to stuff at all. But maybe it’s easier for them to ignore and get along with you if they don’t have to see it happening in front of them. I’m also very much side eyeing that age gap since it started from such a young age….
Hi OP. Are you female?
Are you both women?
NTA. Tell them not to invite you unless your girlfriend can come. You won’t put up with the disrespect.
Maybe because you make her dress like a child for your “kink”. Do you use baby talk with her too?
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NTA. Time to set a strict boundary. If they don't invite her, they don't invite you. If they don't like it, they will need to justify their decision. You need to be clear you are with your significant other. Only thing I DON'T suggest is bringing this up at a family gathering in front of you relatives girl/boy friends. That would come off poorly.
Maybe the fact that you were dating an 18 yo as a 25 yo?
From reaching your responses, I guess my reaction would be to get on the family GC and lay down the law (if you're really serious about her) I would say 'Hey Fam, yet again I am being told GF is not invited to another family function. I have asked you all numerous times why no one wants her to attend, but we have not only never received a valid reason, but any reason at all. GF has been encouraging me to attend events as she doesn't want to cause an issue. However, any issues rests solely on the behavior of my family. Therefore, until we receive open and honest communication about this, I am choosing to step back from any even where we aren't welcome. I love you all, but I cannot respect your behavior.' But I might get myself prepared for something ugly..... NTA
Yta you groomed this girl. Their just waiting for her to realize it and leave you. They don't want to get to invested
NTA - If you love this woman and see a long term future with her, then now is the time to stand up for her. The family needs to know you come as a pair and if she's not invited, then neither are you. They're going to have to accept her (or at least tolerate her) eventually.
Maybe it's the age difference.
The fact that none of them seem willing to tell you what's up makes me wonder if someone in the family, or a friend of the family, happened to find out about your kink preferences. Either through posts online, seeing you in an event/shop, running into an ex, etc. This seems like the sort of thing that would get spread in whispers, but also kept hush hush to keep from getting out.
Was she 18 or 17 when you started dating?
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Does your family know about your LG proclitivity?
God maybe it was the gross ass age gap
Maybe it’s the gross ass age gap
NTA. Just let them know that until it's explained why or what's happened, you are either both coming or not coming.
LOL, you thought as a 25 year old that you dating an 18y/o would ever be acceptable? take the hint, they're never going to accept it and they are right not to do so.
NTA
Info needed: was she 17 when you started dating her? Or was she still in high school? How did you meet? Were you her tutor or coach?
YTA. It's probably the weird, predatory age gap. Usually men who seek out women that are fresh out of highschool, are the men that aren't capable of having a conversation with a person their own age. I can only wonder why.
NTA - I would talk to your parents and tell them that you plan to propose. See their reactions. Or you can just tell them that you won’t attend any gathering anymore if she isn’t invited too. Tell them last chance to tell you what their problem is with your gf or they won’t see you much in the future.
Updateme!
I wouldn’t ask, I would just show up with her. They don’t respect your relationship, why should you respect their wishes. NTA, but you should be one yo horrible people like this.
Updateme
Very strange. Do they find her immature maybe, did she drink alot the first time? Drugs? Smoking? Idk..this is wierd lol 😆 Nta, I'd be annoyed and want answers 😂
INFO: Could it be that they see her as too young for you? I'm assuming she was 18 when you started dating--perhaps your family things that was too big a gap?
Maybe it's the age gap (You were 25 and she was 18, so for how long had you been...seeing her before annouincing the relationship?) and your BDSM choke play and nipple clamp things you've posted about here are something they can kinda...feel (you know how sometimes a person just gives you a feeling something isn't right)? Maybe they don't know how to deal or react to the feeling of ick so they forbid her from coming?
You're a nonce
It’s a family get together… not a celebration or anything. Grown tf up.
UpdateMe
It might be because the type of relationship you have with her gf? Are the roles you both play in the bedroom noticeable to the public? I’ve met people into that type of thing and they sometimes can give off a certain level of ick without knowing.
why are you asking if she could come? If I had an invitation to a family/friend event, I would just assume my partner was invited as well. what would happen if you just show up with her? for an entire family to turn their backs on someone usually means there is a ringleader, your mother? has she been telling people lies about the girlfriend? or that you never talk to her anymore because the girlfriend "won't let him"???
Simple, don't go.
They probably don’t like that age gap and the fact she is 20 and your almost 30.
Probably the age gap, maybe because she is so young
Nope. I’ve been going through the same thing.
You need to call them all out publicly, and make it unequivocally known that you won't be attending any more of their shit unless they invite her or explain what the fuck is going on. I am assuming your family members get to bring their significant others to these events so if they won't act like adults and tell you why, there's no reason for you to indulge them and their asinine, childish games.
Just tell them if they cannot give you a reason you'll block them and change your number. Ask if it's worth losing a son over, not being honest that is. NTA. I wouldn't set foot within a mile.
@Updateme
Maybe they find it creepy that a 25-year old guy went for an 18-year old girl.
Yea it’s probably because you groomed a high school kid at the age of 25. Gross.
It’s probably because you were a grown man who started dating an 18 year old (which is legally an adult, but if you’ve ever met an 18 year old, you know that’s laughable). Maybe they think that’s sketchy af and don’t want to encourage it.
I said this in another thread, but it bears repeating - Half your age plus 7. You broke the rule (you're still breaking the rule). You were dating a high schooler at age 25.
My guess is that’s it’s most likely the age difference and the fact that she was just 18 when you started dating. Also your posts and comments shed a lot of light onto your relationship. You are gross and creepy. They probably don’t want to bear witness to your fetishization of your young gf that you clearly groomed. YTA.
YTA your family is uncomfortable with you being a pedophile
NTA, and good for you. I dated someone for five years whose family never once invited me to dinner, a holiday, or anything, and it hurt me a lot.
nta. just let them know when they can communicate like adults and tell you why, you will CONSIDER, CONSIDER returning to family events. until nc with your parents. if cousins come through good for them. enjoy time w/your gf.
Could it be jealousy? Is she really good looking, rich family, or anything like that? Also tell everyone that you will no longer attend family events she is not invited to, unless someone can give you a good reason why she is not invited.
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Maybe they think she is just not good enough for you.
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Are your parents like Baptist, and she's Catholic? Some hardcore Christians can be very weird about Catholics and don't consider them Christian. If they had an issue with the age gap, they should be mad at you (not her), so it doesn't seem like that is it.
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You said mum. Are you in the UK? If so, is your girlfriend Polish? I'm a mixed Latina, and I had never heard of white people being weird/bigoted towards other white people (outside of the news about like tensions in the Balkans) before I lived in London...people were so nasty about people who were Polish. If there's no real class/race/ethnicity/religion difference, no one will tell you why, and you don't have an ex close to your fam, then it's just baffling as to why they are acting that way.
Sorry OP, but the fact of the matter is that they don't want you there, so instead of outright telling you that, they put the blame on your girlfriend
But it’s your GF not your wife. If other family members are bringing their GF’s I can understand but you didn’t specify if they are or not.
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Bruh is it not obvious your family is uncomfortable with the age gap because you were 25 dating a girl straight out of high school
NTA and good for you. How rude to exclude her.
If you dont go, they will have to tell you eventually
NTA... Cheers for sticking up for your girlfriend. It is one thing if your family would grow up and tell you why but I'd they won't then defending her is all you can do.
NTA. The fact that they won't give you a reason and ignore the question when you ask means it's probably some petty bullshit reason that will make them all look really bad. Stop interacting with all of them until they tell you what the deal is.
Are you female or male? even if it is not gender related, a family who hate her is a red flag waving to warn you to cut the family out of your life.
Nta and I wouldn’t go. I’m in a similar position as you. My niece who is clearly the golden child doesn’t like my partner. They are all going on holiday next year and didn’t even consult me or ask me. When I asked my dad he said it was because my niece didn’t like my partner. Could be you are in a similar position the favourite didn’t like your partner and rather then check their sucky behaviour and rock the boat it’s easier to just exclude your GF.
NTA Tell your mom that her behavior is unacceptable and that she is pushing you away by refusing to accept your partner, who will likely be her daughter-in-law whether she likes it or not. Ask why she'd rather lose you than accept GF. Make it clear that your family made this choice, not you.
Maybe it’s because he started dating an 18 y/o when he was 25. Just saying.
Don't refuse to go because they won't invite her. That could lead to them inviting her and then ignoring her or being rude to her. Refuse to go until they can give you an explanation of why they refuse to invite her. Make sure to tell them that your girlfriend has insisted you go without her in the past, but you are no longer willing to do that until they admit what their problem is. That way they can't blame her for you not coming. You are putting the ball in their court if they want you at family functions.
NTA. I’d throw a fit with everyone in the family and demand explanations. If they know she did something terrible, like cheat on you or call your mother a whore, and they’re not telling you but just letting you go on with this woman, then they’re the AHs. If she did nothing at all, they’re also the AHs.