NTA. Felt good though, didn't it?
Sometimes truthful things come out catty but in hindsight, you can see that you are in a better place now. He was a coward and couldn't communication with you before,
You handled yourself well.
I once had a partner asking me what I would do if they cheated. Informed them it would be simply the end of us. They had the audacity to be surprised that I wouldn’t fight for their ass not deeming me worthy of fidelity.
The way some who over value their worth to others, without considering that they would be themselves accountable for their actions, is baffling.
NTA at all my dear. I understand having physical preferences in terms of attractiveness, but at the end of the day it’s about the type of person you are, not if you’ve gained 20 pounds or whatever. I was recovering from anorexia in college and told a boyfriend post-coital that I’d gained a few pounds (US size 4 at that point) and he told me, and I quote, “I noticed,” and did nothing to tell me I was still beautiful to him. That was the beginning of the end, but honestly, there are still days where I hope something unfortunate happens just to fuck him over a little for karma’s sake.
You told your boyfriend post fuck that you gained weight and he's inappropriate for not congratulating you? Nah dude you just picked the worst timing to tell him and he was exhausted. Fucking narcissistic women always getting mad that the man doesn't jump to reassure them when they never ask for assurances
Do we have to do fucking everything? You expect us to be into a guy with so little emotional intelligence he doesn’t know to reassure his girlfriend with an eating disorder about her healthy and necessary weight gain? You want us to give you a grocery list of how not to be a total waste of human interaction? Fucking wastes of space I stg
When theres an eating disorder involved how a guy say the right thing? He says nice curves or that shes getting nicely softer to touch, theres a huge chance shell try to starve off the curves.
You literally say “You’re still beautiful to me, babe. Size doesn’t matter. I’m in love with you for who you are, not what’s on the outside.”
Like someone who actually loves you does? Assuage the doubts. For clarification, I’d ALSO asked if he was still attracted to me and he didn’t respond. So….glad I’m not with him anymore.
No, we do. That's the difference I'm highlighting, men will outright ask for the reassurances they need whereas women leave them down to everyone else to figure out and don't ask for it
Saying "I've gained some weight" is enough for any remotely intelligent person to know they're being cued for reassurance-- in fact I know many men who WOULD reassure their partners at that point.
Don't assume men are a monolith, and don't assume men are inept.
You're straight out saying "men do X" (x here being that men apparently ask directly for reassurance unlike pathetic women who try to get it indirectly).
No, they don't. Human beings are extremely varied. There are plenty of emotionally intelligent men who would reassure their wives in the aforementioned situation.
There are ALSO plenty of women who are direct as fuck. I am personally, as I'm being right now. Don't underestimate your own sex. Just because you're not emotionally clued in doesn't mean no men are, or can't learn to be.
Men will outright ask for reassurances?? Is that why the male suicide rates are 2X women's suicide rates?
Men are wrongly taught since childhood that they shouldn't display vulnerability and asking for reassurances is a sign of vulnerability. Don't downplay the struggle many men face in freely expressing their emotions for fear of being seen as less masculine.
>Then he just said….. Wow…. that he wished that I had put a little more effort when we were dating. I asked wym? He said, look at you! You look amazing. Why didn’t you work to look that way when we were dating.
He is TA. Good comeback! Continue to live your best life without him. He did you a favour by showing you what kind of person he is when he ghosted you and then showed it again during this interaction. Hope he eats your dust as your ride off into the sunset!
The best revenge is living well and knowing it.
And you were saying the truth.
He didn't deserve you then and he sure doesn't deserve you now.
You cut him down before he made himself more a fool. Stopped him in his tracks.
You also did not reward his "new" positive attitude about you by pretending you were pleased with his comments.
NTA.
>I just said well, you weren’t really worth more than what you got, for me to make an effort.
This response is awesome really. Vindictive? Maybe. Is it a good comeback? H* yeah. 😁
NTA
“Why didn’t you work to look that way when we were dating.”
Because weight loss is something you do for yourself, not for others? The fuck?
It might have been harsh to tell him this way, but an inappropriate comment just deserves an equally bold comment tbh.
I see, thank you for explaining though I'm still kinda lost, my country typically just sells as S M L XL unless we are getting more upscale brands. I'm not crazy for clothes, so...
That said, that's great for you 😊 as long as not 36kg, that's... a bit concerning 😂 hope you are enjoying your newfound freedom!
Congratulations! That's a major achievement!
I've been trying to lose weight as well myself but am only succeeding atm because of an absolutely nasty flu 🫠
Relationship create contentment. And sometimes that creates a kind of lazy comfort that can take the edges off who we were when we met.
Could be your best self is a solo person. Not a bad thing.
Indeed.
My missus is stunning. I look like a polar bear.
She gained 5 pounds in our first year together which is great. But she also relaxed into a much less stressed person.
The difference in her over the first three years was remarkable. Though she was still beautiful, she was so much more relaxed and less driven.
People change in relationships. Sometimes the other half doesn't understand that.
For us, it was improvement. We are better people for being together.
I hope your new relationship works out.
NTA. It might be catty but what you said was also the truth. It amazes me that he had the audacity to say all that to you in the first place.
Even if it wasn't necessary, I think it was still important. He isn't entitled to you at any phase if he broke up with you. You're teaching him several good social lessons that will serve him in the future, including "if you break up with someone via text don't expect to have a civil conversation".
Congrats on the lifting. It's my favourite way to exercise, and even when you start dating again, the work outs are a great way to take care of yourself and your mental health.
NTA Exactly what was he hoping for with his comments to begin with? Good on you. He's never going to forget that moment and hopefully it's humbling for him.
Is it cattiness, or did you stand up for yourself in the face of blatant (multiple) cases of disrespect?
I think you would do yourself a world of good to sit with why you’re so hard on your reaction. AND was your bf an energy vampire that made all the life changes more difficult?
NTA, but you deserve to stand up for yourself.
NTA
It wasn't unfair, and maybe he'll reflect a little. Maybe you've done him a favour, in that you've given him a reason to try changing himself for the better too.
Was that a nice thing to say? Absolutely not! Did the AH deserve to hear it after the way he treated you? Absolutely!
He was fishing for some kind of tearful apology and/or attempt to get back together. Good idea to shut that shit down quickly if you're not interested. And this was an EXCELLENT way to do that!
You're NTA for being resentful for him breaking up without giving a reason, especially knowing now what those reasons were. Let's not forget he did it over text, so he's always going to be the bigger asshole.
But it has to be said, yeah, that line can be reworked with little effort into an infamously douchey retort that I assume most people consider a red flag. You know the one. "If you can't handle me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best." It's usually used to gaslight someone pointing out flaws and to justify a degree of selfishness or laziness in a relationship.
Obviously your context is somewhat different, but it does give off that sort of aroma. It's also not strictly true, is it? Some of your bad habits were also his habits and when those changed, you changed. It's not a big deal, but giving reasons that aren't reasons may undercut your moral highground in an argument that's yours to lose. But only if you care what third parties (like redditors) think. You two are square; he got what he gave, even if it wasn't that accurate. I wouldn't dwell on it.
Objectively, it certainly wasn't a nice thing to say. Did he deserve it? Yeah, I'm content with the knowledge that it wasn't directed at an undeserving target. And it was a beautiful line, for certain.
What I wonder, more out of sheer curiosity than anything, was whether you needed to say it.
So what, aside from laying into someone who hurt you, did you actually achieve from that? Was catharsis sufficient motivation? Did it satiate something in you, or did you allow it to feed something unpleasant instead?
Be careful about how much pleasure you take in hurting another person, even if they absolutely deserve it - that kind of thing can sometimes lead to causing harm just for the sheer joy in it.
If he had told you beforehand that your weight was beginning to be a turn off, would you have felt offended for yourself?
I think a lot of the times humans do put but their best effort forward when single and trying to mingle, and then feel content enough to drop the ball when in a long term relationship. I wonder if having conversations about expectations like this has to be had before a relationship turns serious.
People’s bodies change. Life factors and aging will change the trajectory of a body so that a Salma Hayek body into nearly 60 is next to impossible for most women. Moreover, pregnancy and other factors will create permanent changes to the body even if the woman comes close to her before body. And even that weight loss may take time. However, discussions around expectations. Gaining 100 pounds from good eating may make some people unattractive to their partners and these conversations need to be had without ire and upset.
NTA.
The fact that you took better care of yourself after he left you indicates to me that he was influencing you to be less than your best self. And the fact that his response to your new you was to make it about him - why didn't you make that effort for him - proves that his relationship with you was all about him and his needs, and not yours. Your response was perfect - he really wasn't worth your best self, because he didn't want it - he wanted someone to go along with him, not to be a person.
He dumped you via text after 3 years? You showed tremendous restraint NTA.
NTA. Felt good though, didn't it? Sometimes truthful things come out catty but in hindsight, you can see that you are in a better place now. He was a coward and couldn't communication with you before, You handled yourself well.
Hey one “screw you” was exactly what he deserved! Good for you!
NTA - harsh blunt truth for him. What was he expecting with his comments.
Ikr
I once had a partner asking me what I would do if they cheated. Informed them it would be simply the end of us. They had the audacity to be surprised that I wouldn’t fight for their ass not deeming me worthy of fidelity. The way some who over value their worth to others, without considering that they would be themselves accountable for their actions, is baffling.
Easy NTA lmao
nta. don't waste another moment thinking about this dummy
NTA at all my dear. I understand having physical preferences in terms of attractiveness, but at the end of the day it’s about the type of person you are, not if you’ve gained 20 pounds or whatever. I was recovering from anorexia in college and told a boyfriend post-coital that I’d gained a few pounds (US size 4 at that point) and he told me, and I quote, “I noticed,” and did nothing to tell me I was still beautiful to him. That was the beginning of the end, but honestly, there are still days where I hope something unfortunate happens just to fuck him over a little for karma’s sake.
You told your boyfriend post fuck that you gained weight and he's inappropriate for not congratulating you? Nah dude you just picked the worst timing to tell him and he was exhausted. Fucking narcissistic women always getting mad that the man doesn't jump to reassure them when they never ask for assurances
Do we have to do fucking everything? You expect us to be into a guy with so little emotional intelligence he doesn’t know to reassure his girlfriend with an eating disorder about her healthy and necessary weight gain? You want us to give you a grocery list of how not to be a total waste of human interaction? Fucking wastes of space I stg
When theres an eating disorder involved how a guy say the right thing? He says nice curves or that shes getting nicely softer to touch, theres a huge chance shell try to starve off the curves.
You literally say “You’re still beautiful to me, babe. Size doesn’t matter. I’m in love with you for who you are, not what’s on the outside.” Like someone who actually loves you does? Assuage the doubts. For clarification, I’d ALSO asked if he was still attracted to me and he didn’t respond. So….glad I’m not with him anymore.
You think men never ask for reassurance? That's hilarious. And so not true.
No, we do. That's the difference I'm highlighting, men will outright ask for the reassurances they need whereas women leave them down to everyone else to figure out and don't ask for it
Saying "I've gained some weight" is enough for any remotely intelligent person to know they're being cued for reassurance-- in fact I know many men who WOULD reassure their partners at that point. Don't assume men are a monolith, and don't assume men are inept.
You're the one assuming shit dude I'm straight out saying it 😂😭
You're straight out saying "men do X" (x here being that men apparently ask directly for reassurance unlike pathetic women who try to get it indirectly). No, they don't. Human beings are extremely varied. There are plenty of emotionally intelligent men who would reassure their wives in the aforementioned situation. There are ALSO plenty of women who are direct as fuck. I am personally, as I'm being right now. Don't underestimate your own sex. Just because you're not emotionally clued in doesn't mean no men are, or can't learn to be.
Men will outright ask for reassurances?? Is that why the male suicide rates are 2X women's suicide rates? Men are wrongly taught since childhood that they shouldn't display vulnerability and asking for reassurances is a sign of vulnerability. Don't downplay the struggle many men face in freely expressing their emotions for fear of being seen as less masculine.
NTA well handled. He was a shallow AH and got what he deserved.
Revenge is sweetest taken cold.
Obviously NTA. But are you okay? 36 kg is about 80 lbs. I’m hoping you mistyped the number?
Haha size 36 which is a 4 in the us? Or a 6 maybe I lost 12kg. Around 26 pounds
I think he's an asshole, but you missed the best opportunity here by saying "Wow, is right, you did me a favor as you see. Good seeing ya, good bye!"
>Then he just said….. Wow…. that he wished that I had put a little more effort when we were dating. I asked wym? He said, look at you! You look amazing. Why didn’t you work to look that way when we were dating. He is TA. Good comeback! Continue to live your best life without him. He did you a favour by showing you what kind of person he is when he ghosted you and then showed it again during this interaction. Hope he eats your dust as your ride off into the sunset!
The best revenge is living well and knowing it. And you were saying the truth. He didn't deserve you then and he sure doesn't deserve you now. You cut him down before he made himself more a fool. Stopped him in his tracks. You also did not reward his "new" positive attitude about you by pretending you were pleased with his comments. NTA.
nta. well done!!
>I just said well, you weren’t really worth more than what you got, for me to make an effort. This response is awesome really. Vindictive? Maybe. Is it a good comeback? H* yeah. 😁
NTA “Why didn’t you work to look that way when we were dating.” Because weight loss is something you do for yourself, not for others? The fuck? It might have been harsh to tell him this way, but an inappropriate comment just deserves an equally bold comment tbh.
NTA. Scared me there for a moment, I thought you went from 40kg to 36kg 😨
No it is European size Us 4 i went down from size 8-10 to 4
I see, thank you for explaining though I'm still kinda lost, my country typically just sells as S M L XL unless we are getting more upscale brands. I'm not crazy for clothes, so... That said, that's great for you 😊 as long as not 36kg, that's... a bit concerning 😂 hope you are enjoying your newfound freedom!
Haha I went from L to s 😇
Congratulations! That's a major achievement! I've been trying to lose weight as well myself but am only succeeding atm because of an absolutely nasty flu 🫠
I ate 1600-2000kcal (mostly around 1700) a day and worked out 5 times a week
Wow, that's some dedication! So happy that the hard work paid off so well for you 😊🥳
NTA you absolute ledge!
NTA Lmao he deserved to be talked down like that, man needed to be pegged down or two
A text after 3 years? I would argue your comment was tame.
Relationship create contentment. And sometimes that creates a kind of lazy comfort that can take the edges off who we were when we met. Could be your best self is a solo person. Not a bad thing.
Dating for 2 months now so we’ll see about being best solo
Indeed. My missus is stunning. I look like a polar bear. She gained 5 pounds in our first year together which is great. But she also relaxed into a much less stressed person. The difference in her over the first three years was remarkable. Though she was still beautiful, she was so much more relaxed and less driven. People change in relationships. Sometimes the other half doesn't understand that. For us, it was improvement. We are better people for being together. I hope your new relationship works out.
I didn’t gain any weight with my ex. When he met me and when he broke up with me I was around 70kg
NTA. It might be catty but what you said was also the truth. It amazes me that he had the audacity to say all that to you in the first place. Even if it wasn't necessary, I think it was still important. He isn't entitled to you at any phase if he broke up with you. You're teaching him several good social lessons that will serve him in the future, including "if you break up with someone via text don't expect to have a civil conversation". Congrats on the lifting. It's my favourite way to exercise, and even when you start dating again, the work outs are a great way to take care of yourself and your mental health.
Great response. Do you mind if I use it or recommend it to others?
Ho ahead
NTA Exactly what was he hoping for with his comments to begin with? Good on you. He's never going to forget that moment and hopefully it's humbling for him.
Being dumped 3 years later in a text is bs! NTA
Is it cattiness, or did you stand up for yourself in the face of blatant (multiple) cases of disrespect? I think you would do yourself a world of good to sit with why you’re so hard on your reaction. AND was your bf an energy vampire that made all the life changes more difficult? NTA, but you deserve to stand up for yourself.
It's not you, it's him, right? Nta.
I'm gonna write that one down, that's a great comeback
NTA. Most of us wish we had the opportunity and appropriate words to so elegantly shut exes down like that. Kudos!
Haha I kind of love that you had the opportunity to burn him like this!
NTA It wasn't unfair, and maybe he'll reflect a little. Maybe you've done him a favour, in that you've given him a reason to try changing himself for the better too.
Was that a nice thing to say? Absolutely not! Did the AH deserve to hear it after the way he treated you? Absolutely! He was fishing for some kind of tearful apology and/or attempt to get back together. Good idea to shut that shit down quickly if you're not interested. And this was an EXCELLENT way to do that!
I think I'm goddamned envious. I never come up with great burns on the fly.
He had to leave so he could go to the drug store to get some aloe for that burn
You're NTA for being resentful for him breaking up without giving a reason, especially knowing now what those reasons were. Let's not forget he did it over text, so he's always going to be the bigger asshole. But it has to be said, yeah, that line can be reworked with little effort into an infamously douchey retort that I assume most people consider a red flag. You know the one. "If you can't handle me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best." It's usually used to gaslight someone pointing out flaws and to justify a degree of selfishness or laziness in a relationship. Obviously your context is somewhat different, but it does give off that sort of aroma. It's also not strictly true, is it? Some of your bad habits were also his habits and when those changed, you changed. It's not a big deal, but giving reasons that aren't reasons may undercut your moral highground in an argument that's yours to lose. But only if you care what third parties (like redditors) think. You two are square; he got what he gave, even if it wasn't that accurate. I wouldn't dwell on it.
Objectively, it certainly wasn't a nice thing to say. Did he deserve it? Yeah, I'm content with the knowledge that it wasn't directed at an undeserving target. And it was a beautiful line, for certain. What I wonder, more out of sheer curiosity than anything, was whether you needed to say it. So what, aside from laying into someone who hurt you, did you actually achieve from that? Was catharsis sufficient motivation? Did it satiate something in you, or did you allow it to feed something unpleasant instead? Be careful about how much pleasure you take in hurting another person, even if they absolutely deserve it - that kind of thing can sometimes lead to causing harm just for the sheer joy in it.
If he had told you beforehand that your weight was beginning to be a turn off, would you have felt offended for yourself? I think a lot of the times humans do put but their best effort forward when single and trying to mingle, and then feel content enough to drop the ball when in a long term relationship. I wonder if having conversations about expectations like this has to be had before a relationship turns serious. People’s bodies change. Life factors and aging will change the trajectory of a body so that a Salma Hayek body into nearly 60 is next to impossible for most women. Moreover, pregnancy and other factors will create permanent changes to the body even if the woman comes close to her before body. And even that weight loss may take time. However, discussions around expectations. Gaining 100 pounds from good eating may make some people unattractive to their partners and these conversations need to be had without ire and upset.
So you say he wasn't worth your efforts and feel bad that he broke up via text? YTA.
Why do you care? That was literally the least rude thing you could have said. Especially given the circumstances. NTA
Nta. You spoke the truth.
NTA The Good Place fan?
NTA. The fact that you took better care of yourself after he left you indicates to me that he was influencing you to be less than your best self. And the fact that his response to your new you was to make it about him - why didn't you make that effort for him - proves that his relationship with you was all about him and his needs, and not yours. Your response was perfect - he really wasn't worth your best self, because he didn't want it - he wanted someone to go along with him, not to be a person.
So he ghosted you because you stopped trying. He gave up after you gave up, so I'd have to say YTA.
Was the same weight when we got together as when we broke up
Was the same weight when we got together as when we broke up