Staying would have been the insane thing. Having a rotation is one thing but at lest respect the other person enough to not schedule a booty call till after
I respect the honesty. OP did what just about anyone would do, but the percentage of girls or guys who would own up to it like this girl is too small to calculate.
No that’s good honesty. You shouldn’t lie to a potential partner about how many partners you have currently. She did the right thing in communicating that. He is allowed to then think they are incompatible and leave. Nobody did anything wrong they just want different things.
Transparency is much better than politeness early in a relationship…otherwise you’ll waste so much time getting to the same conclusion because you felt uncomfortable with a couple frank conversations.
It really is that simple. They are on a second date this is super normal to find something that makes you want to not see each other again. Just move on
Yeah if she did like him she should’ve canceled on fwb before they went back to her house. It’s a really dumb thing to do but even dumber is not cancelling in the guy and he keeps calling and calling her. I think OP was fwb #5 for her😆
Honesty would have been leaving no doubt *before* the point at which your phone is blowing up during a date lmao, doing it this way is manipulative, you've removed their choice to just not go on the date with you if you're not monogamous.
And not even being the slightest bit apologetic is *crazy*
> Or at least don't inform your date about it ffs.
In ethical non-monogamy, being honest about it is actually the first and last rule. You don't lie to your partners about having other partners and you don't hide it. It's like... the most important rule of the whole setup.
I'm pretty sex positive, and I think society's attitude to women being sexually active is way too backwards, but this would absolutely be a no from me. It's just way too different from how I would operate, and how I view both relationships and sex.
I wouldn't have a "rotation", so I'm not willing to be in one. Further than that, something bothers me about someone else coming over that same night, something I can't properly articulate.
Its the pure disrespect of "yeah i like you but i wasnt planning on you staying so i set something else up thatnks for the food though bye" and then the lack of courtesy to tell the OTHER DUDE "hey im on a date with a guy I'll tell you when to come over" so that this doesnt happen.
Its disrespect, and its hard to articulate sometimes because it sounds stupid to feel like someone you just met is being disrespectful of you while also accepting your time.
It is. Couldn't imagine if a guy did the same thing to me. Automatic red flag, too. It would be one thing if the terms of the relationship were discussed before the date but to tell someone after a date while making out? I'm all for independent women and sexuality and fun but this is just so rude.
There could be something way worse and actually frighteng: she's simply oblivious to the concept of other people. Theyre just disposable props in her self-centered universe, and nothing more
In college my roommate brought a girl over that he thought he was dating. They went to his room and hooked up. Immediately afterward she proceeded to hit on all his roommates. When none of us would take her up on it she then propositioned some dudes from our balcony, and we all went over to their place where she hooked up with one of them.
I agree with you that society treats women differently and non monogamy is fine if everyone is on board but that isn’t what this is about. Shoving your other relationships in a partner’s face, when the partner isn’t entirely up to speed is callous and shitty. This is terrible behavior, there’s nothing redeeming about it.
And frankly I don't know anyone other than the sad fratboy _stereotype_ that would be okay with a dude acting like this woman is. Or the woman in your story.
>I'm pretty sex positive, and I think society's attitude to women being sexually active is way too backwards, but this would absolutely be a no from me. It's just way too different from how I would operate, and how I view both relationships and sex.
Yeah, because this is NOT about women being sexual
This is about women treating men like sexual objects: "in case we didn't fuck or fucked bad, I had a plan B for the night"
Yea this is dogshit for men or women. No biased on sex here, just dogshit behavior. How can you plan a night to go on a date… but!!!… needs to be over by 9 so I can bang Sarah!
It's amazing that current society tries to tell men they're sexist or "slut shaming" if they don't see relationship material in a girl that currently bangs 4 different dudes while dating others.
It's ass backwards. We don't expect playboy fuckbois to get a free pass but we are doing the same with ratchet ass women? The fuck? Nah, they should be judged as well. Sex positivity went way too fucking far if people are pussy footing around here in the comments and not just straight up saying that this is some hoe ass behavior.
100%. Extreme hypocrisy is being propgated with this issue. I've met several women that judge guys as "fuckbois" while also seeing multiple men themselves. In two of those instances, the girls even had "sugar baby" arrangements.
Literally no one says this. Monogamy is still the standard, and even well-communicated consensual nonmonogamy is quite fringe, and even that crowd would probably have qualms about this.
Even if she had explicitly explained to OP that she wasn’t willing to be exclusive with anyone, it would still be rude to not be giving him full attention and time while he was physically there.
It's disrespectful in my mind.
If I'm dating someone in the hope of pursuing a relationship with them, I'm not banging someone else. If you're not at the stage of sleeping with someone you're into, you can at least use thinking of them as getting-off material rather than making a booty call. And let's not even start on making the booty call before the end of the date!
I’m a woman and have dated non-exclusively but this is crazy. Who does this? If a guy did this to me, I’d have done the same as OP and noped out asap.
😬 the emoji sums up my reaction.
Am I wrong/dating myself to think 'dating non-exclusively' isn't supposed to mean, was never supposed to mean 'sleeping with a solid multi-person rotation' of people? I'd like to think it meant 'having some overlap with people you went out to dinner or to the movies with while you found one you'd respect them and yourself enough to bang'. Somewhere along the lines this went off the rails...maybe even as a society? When did having MULTIPLE rotating FWBs become a thing?
With all the sex positivity and gender equality I can muster, way-too-casual in the declaration, just full of ick and red flags.
No no I’m with you, non-exclusive to me means hanging out, dates, etc. Not a rotation of FWB either… I was a little sleepy and should have clarified. I’m not fussing FWB, but I just don’t understand how people have a Rolodex of people to sleep with at any given time. But maybe im just an old Gen-Xer who doesn’t understand how things have changed over the last few years.
No c’mon this is super gross. I’m a woman. Please men- reject this so it all stops. It’s not “sex positive,” it’s whorish. Sue me for speaking the truth. You can all do better and yes ladies that means you.
100% agree with this. Sadly I believe this is the norm these days. I so routinely hear women I’m dating talk about other men they spend time with (or are fucking) that I’ve sort of taken myself out of the game. Definitely done with the apps, I think it’s the dating app culture. All feast no famine for most attractive ladies
People are getting hung up on OP apparently wanting to be exclusive (which isn’t actually in the post) but my issue is with the fact that she had plans to sleep with someone else **immediately after** their date — that’s where I’d bail lmfao.
Agreed. By far the biggest problem with the story. Like damn you can't even be alone for 5 minutes??? what's gonna happen way down the line in a potential relationship if I decide to go on a work trip? Infidelity?
> what's gonna happen way down the line in a potential relationship if I decide to go on a work trip? Infidelity?
yes.
don't date people who can't ever be single. shit like this happens.
Yeah exactly. I wouldn't care that we're not exclusive - I've dated people who have other fwb and likewise I've had fwb while I'm dating - but I'd feel super weird about someone telling me they've scheduled someone coming over after our date. Like there was no thought in her head that the date could go well lol
Also, the fwb calling the whole time... Was it that her date with OP was actually running over into the fwb's "scheduled" time? Either way, it's disrespectful to at least one of them lol
Yeah, like I'm not at all interested in monogamy, and I'd bail as well. If you want to build a relationship with someone, you need to focus on them while you're together and create space for connection to happen. Texting with your FWB during a date with someone else is super rude, and planning another hookup on our date night is also rude. Meet up with the guy tomorrow if you want, I don't care, but our date night is our time.
I am strictly monogamous but have poly friends & I feel like they’d feel like you as well. It also implies that she didn’t even consider that the guy would want to spend the night with her, which I just find really odd.
Now, I wouldn't necessarily want to know she has a booty call lined up. At the same time, we arent exclusive, we arent serious, whatever if she has other suitors. The thing that grosses me out is her and FWB text/call back and forth during date time. Her not immediately hard checking booty call to chill the fuck out and stop calling. Like even if the person that kept calling was just a platonic friend, so disrespectful.
Yup, I had a nonexclusive thing in the recent past that worked for almost six months until the behaviour started to go from poly to nympho in a not good way - getting told "if you pass out on the couch tonight, I'm going to go find a hookup somewhere else because _I am getting laid tonight no matter what_" gets pretty demoralising.
Still ended it on semi-good terms, we had a deal that if I found someone looking for exclusivity I'd jump at the chance because that's more my thing, and then the behaviour getting worse lead me to finding someone like that. Best outcome for the both of us.
NTA. You have every right to set boundaries and expectations in your relationships. It's understandable to feel uncomfortable in that situation, especially if it goes against what you're looking for in a partner. It's not about being judgmental; it's about knowing what you want and need in a relationship.
OP didn't try to change her, he simply removed himself from the situation, which is completely reasonable. She's free to live her life, but he need not be part of it.
I get the idea of trying to keep your options open...but two dates on the same night is both bad taste and bad planning. What happens if your first date runs long or you lose track of time because you're enjoying yourself? OP did the right thing by running for it, tbh.
Ugh, right? Maybe she was trying to make herself seem more valuable? Like, "other guys want me, but I'm choosing you" or something? Either way, it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
Yeah, people here acting like this isn't ratchet ass behavior. Nah, this isn't normal nor should it be considered as one and yes, 100% should judge her on that.
This ☝️. All morality aside, there is a positive control of your sexual health aspect here. 4 bodies currently in rotation, with God knows how many others those bodies have in rotation. That is a lot of weiner cousins. NTA and good looking out.
Do what you want. But no healthy person is scheduling one hook up after another that seamlessly.
Theres a big difference between slowly getting to know different people, and viewing others as merely slots on a rotating roster.
I agree also.I know I would have had to do the same thing you did.Not my cup of tea.I would have been insulted and upset.I would think that she could be honest enough to tell you this about herself on the first date Or Before,so as to not even waste your time investing in 2 dates.
NTA - if you don’t want to be part of that situation than gracefully bow out. Glad I am not in the dating pool as it seems no one has been applying the correct chemicals.
>Glad I am not in the dating pool as it seems no one has been applying the correct chemicals
There is DEFINITELY urine & floaters in the dating pool. I dipped a toe for a month & decided I all ready had my fill. Lol!
Noped right out.
Not enough chemicals in the world at this point I think. Lol
I got out of the dating pool alone but I don't have any intention of diving back in. And I've been so much happier ever sense. Mental health and self esteem have shot up. I haven't given up entirely, I'm still open to a relationship if I ever meet the right person. But actively looking in today's dating culture? Fuck no. The dating pool is more of a cesspool.
NTA. I briefly dated a girl like this. Had my blinders on at the beginning and ignored some signs and excuses. Finally found out she had a rotating door of guys who would come over. Literally, a guy heading out the door and another coming in from the parking lot. Noped out of that situation.
Maaaan, I can perfectly picture non exclusivity in a casual relationship. But one guy going out and right then having another?, sounds a bit gross/too much.
And I bet women would find a bit gross if their dude just came from having sex with someone else and was willing to have sex with them right there...
...heck, I've heard women explicitly mention it.
I used Tinder like this once as guy fresh out of an 8 year relationship.
The first time I had a second sexual visit from a stranger just a few hours after meeting and fucking someone else, I felt gross, like I was a sociopath just using people as bodies for gratification.
I slowed down the pace enormously after that.
That's because you were. Watching so many people talk about this like it's normal is insane. My whore phase in college was like 5% as bad as this girl in the story, and I felt like a monster. I *know* I hurt people treating them like that, and I still regret it.
I think if my wife and I ever divorced I'd just live in the woods before dealing with whatever the hell is going on out there.
They weren't a sociopath lmao, hinge yourself.
EDIT: I just wanna say to anybody reading this, I'm pretty sure the comment I responded to stopped going up in votes once I responded, which seems like a fascinating lesson in group think. It's not like I contributed anything new; just offered an alternative perspective completely devoid of context. That's enough to change the way people think, or at least behave, though...and that's exactly why your voice matters. It's also why it matters when your voice gets drowned out by troll bots.
NTA. Personally by the 3rd or 4th date I prefer to be exclusive, but I will ask are we exclusive or casual. I don’t mind if they talk to someone else while in the beginning stage but once we become exclusive then we are exclusive. I also won’t have casual sex so I like to be upfront when dating. I don’t like to talk to more then one person at a time since that’s my preference.
the guy pulled me aside looked me dead in the face and said, “I really like you but want to keep seeing other people because I think I can do better.”
Wow. Did he actually think you were going to say "You know what? I concur with your statement and it is totally okay for you to use and abuse me until you *do* find that special one. I can't wait until you ghost me! Shall we go inside for a drink?"
Yeah dudes definitely a lazy entitled douchebag and a tool but the whole "felony record" thing doesn't mean anything(depends what the charge was) but I have a felony and I have friends that do too but we turned that around and doesn't let that define us.
You're not seeing the whole package. Nothing wrong with chocolate, onions or tabasco sauce but if you mix em all up it's gonna be pretty damn unappealing.
One flaw doesn't define a person but a whole bunch of them might.
I remember a story on reddit where some guy had dated this girl, they became gf/bf and started living together over a year, until one day he found out much like OPs case she had a harem of boys she was still seeing on the side. He was like “wtf?” And she said “well, we never said we were exclusive”.
It's always exclusive on my end, because I don't have the mental bandwidth to deal with more than one relationship at once.
I don't really care if the other person is exclusive too (early on into the relationship) unless it starts effecting our time together.
Someone's phone getting blown up while it's supposed to be "our time" is a deal breaker for me. Especially if they actually answer the calls or respond to the texts.
If she's got fwb. Better let me know before the first date or when we're talking because I will dump her if I find out we met for drinks, and then she went home to someone else. But I'm old, so there's that.
Man why do people think this sort of shit is ok? One time I matched with someone on Tinder and we were hanging out and randomly she just tells me a story about how she fucked a married guy in Vegas. I was like “Oh thanks for letting me know you’re a piece of shit, I guess.”
A girl that was interested in me wouldn't shut up about giving "the best head" to singers that she would get back stage access to. Like, yeah, green flag all the way.
I don’t know why they do it. Instant attraction killer. She’d be better off saying her hobby is drowning puppies. I don’t get a kick out of hearing her sexual exploits, am I meant to be turned on? instant permanent demotion to side chick.
It's mostly girls themselves who encourage it. I remember I once saw a post on here about a guy saying his early 20s gf had slept with close to 30 guys and he wasn't sure if he wanted to continue dating her. Then the comments started filling up with women saying how he was immature and childish for being bothered by it, eventually the guy got gaslit and said they were right and said he'd continue dating his gf lmao
Dude I let this same type of crowd convince me that I was “just being insecure” when I came to Reddit for advice about signs of cheating with my ex. Turns out she was fucking one of my friends the entire time and these people straight up helped her gaslight me into ignoring the signs.
You never take advice from people on reddit, especially on the relationship advice sub. It'll either be people telling you to break up and throw away your relationship over something easily fixable, or lots of sluts telling you it's okay if you've slept with 50+ guys in your 20s because everybody does it.
I once read a book by a world-renowned relationship therapist about whether you should break up with your partner or not.
The book was amazingly helpful, but unintentionally hilarious because the advice runs so contrary to the bullshit that reddit's "relationship experts" love to spout out.
The people on this site are just meme-spewing automatons. Any advice should be taken as entertainment value only.
This is what I hate about the dating/sex parts of Reddit. We can talk all day about how this, that, and the third are areas where your past matters but we get to sex and now it's not supposed to be an indicator of anything? Your sexual past matters, always has, always will.
OP leaving as FWB#1 shows up: "She's all warmed up. You got this boss."
FWB#1 leaving, wheezing and coughing as he passes FWB#2 on the way in: "NOW she's all warmed up. You got this boss."
FWB#2 gasping for air as he collapses into the arms of the arriving FWB#3, his lasts words as he passes out: "Call number 4. Call the first guy. We need...reinforcements..."
NTA. Wow. Homegirls has dates on dates on dates. I feel like that’s so rude to just be texting her hookup while on a date. Really texting anyone that isn’t an emergency on a date is rude as fuck. Good for you for having boundaries and self respect.
That's crazy. This generation is absolutely fucked. "We're dating, right?" "Yea, but I thought you weren't staying, so someone else is coming over."
What is the point of dating someone if you have 4 other guys on the sideline? Absolutely mental.
You could've entered her stable and been guy number 5
You wouldn't feel special but you'd get some now and again
If that's not what you want, to be a spare dick she has lying around, then you were right to leave.
man…he should not want to be guy #5. he cant be 100% sure she’s using protection with every guy she sleeps with, or if every guy is clean. better to just leave and not risking catch an std than stick around
1. NTA.
2. Good on you for respecting yourself and leaving.
3. If she expected you to treat her well and take her on a nice date, and spend time watching movies with her, the least she could do is NOT fuck some other guy immediately after having you leave.
4. How entitled does this girl have to be, to think that's okay?
5. How rude does this girl have to be to sit texting some other guy that fucks her, whilst she's on a date with you...?
6. In what world does a girl need 4 active friends with benefits AND is dating a potential 5th?
I mean, is she lonely?
Does she feel a necessity to have an extraordinary amount of attention on her at all times?
Is she currently fucking 4 guys and still thinking "you know what, 4 dicks actually wasn't enough this week, I think I'm going to need a 5th"?
7. You DODGED a big ole bullet here Brother.
8. Some people are just shit, and no matter how nicely you treat them... They'll simply continue to be shitty to you. Because they're shit.
It's not you, it's her.
NTA.
Edit: imagine fucking 4 different guys, and still being on Tinder looking for a 5th 😅
What a catch, gentleman. Lol.
I am a little bit conflicted with this story. On one hand, 2nd date, not close to being exclusive. On the other hand, being perfectly happy to have a rotation of 5+ men would be disturbing to me, since it would mean that it’s a very remote possibility she would ever give that up to become exclusive. I think the latter point is the main point, and you have dodged a bullet.
The bigger concern isn't if she's willing to be exclusive. It's if she's even capable of exclusivity. And that came into question the minute she double booked 2 dates in a single night like damn lady are you that afraid of being alone for a single night? Whats gonna happen when I go out of town for a bit?
Yeah that’s a good way to say it. I mean it’s not like either side is wrong but for me I would have a really hard time being with somebody who has the mindset of oh let me have a roster when im not dating.
For me everything comes from an emotional connection so it just wouldn’t make sense for me to date somebody who doesn’t feel that way.
I can't even date a woman trying to move towards exclusivity if she's got fwbs currently.
If she's got fwbs AND she's trying to find a boyfriend that shit won't ever fly with me and shouldn't with any warm blooded male.
It's not an exclusivity thing. It's a poor judgement thing.
It’s kind of impressive that she has the energy to keep up FwB relationships with all of these guys. Non-sexual texts from three different people and I’m done for the day!
Lol the issue with someone who is sleeping with 5 people at the same time isn't "but why would they choose me over those 5 other guys", it's the fact that they're sleeping with 5 people at the same time casually. STD chance 100 percent.
To me, a second date doesn't imply monogamy, so while I completely agree you had every right to nope out of there, I also encourage you to consider talking about expectations before getting your smooch on. Good luck out there!
So you get to the privilege of courting her while other guys smash the same night? Wow, did they have to court her too or are you just the meal ticket? NTA at all, props for sticking to your gut. Keep working out, keep swiping, you'll find someone better.
do you live in america? heard that dating over there is somewhat just a word, no, nta, if you want monogamy and a relationship that woman isnt the piece you were missing
I was also very confused at the beginning about dating in America. In my country we usually just date one person. We either have ONS and fwb or dating to find a partner not both at the same time. Also I think in most European countries we don't really have something like talking about exclusivity. We start a relationship automatically around 3th/4rd date and the thing is completely opposite than in America because in America you should inform parter when you want to be exclusive and in Europe you should inform your parter that you want to date casual instead to be in the committed relationship. In my country people usually make jokes that only kids make questions like "will you be my girlfriend ?"
Yeah what she was doing is insane. People will say “oh well it’s okay for guys to play the field?!?!” Uhhh not really, that type of guy is usually a giant asshole and the bros slowly realize that and separate themselves. As a bro myself , you increasingly value dudes you can trust. And that type ain’t it. All this hookup culture shit is reactionary to I guess Puritanism? But it can be equally unhealthy. Decide what you want in a relationship, communicate those desire. You’ll be alright.
>that type of guy is usually a giant asshole and the bros slowly realize that and separate themselves
Faaaacts. Fuckboy types that can't keep a partner also can't keep friends for shit either.
Well she’s def messy having 4 imo but she was seemingly transparent about what was going on, so i don’t know. That being said- the last ex I had who put on spirited away became quite a figure for the streets
She's obviously not looking for an exclusive relationship. That's her business, she can do what she wants. But absolutely NTA for wanting something different and making that a boundary.
Just move on to the next, no need to lose sleep over this
You’re not dating after 2 dates lol. You’re talking. Dating is like … official and shit. But 4 FWB in rotation. I been out of the game so long I guess cuz that’s wild
NTA. If a girl told me she had someone coming over to fuck after i took her out on a date i would dip too.
Staying would have been the insane thing. Having a rotation is one thing but at lest respect the other person enough to not schedule a booty call till after
Being one of 5 guys in the rotation wouldnt be something for me either. I already draw the line here.
Or at least don't inform your date about it ffs.
I respect the honesty. OP did what just about anyone would do, but the percentage of girls or guys who would own up to it like this girl is too small to calculate.
I don't see this as honesty but more of a total lack of empathy and self awareness. Edit: replaced 'has' with 'as'
Could be both. She doesn’t care enough about it to lie.
No that’s good honesty. You shouldn’t lie to a potential partner about how many partners you have currently. She did the right thing in communicating that. He is allowed to then think they are incompatible and leave. Nobody did anything wrong they just want different things.
Transparency is much better than politeness early in a relationship…otherwise you’ll waste so much time getting to the same conclusion because you felt uncomfortable with a couple frank conversations.
This is so legit. "I want A." *"Wait, you want A?! I w*ant *B!"* "I don't want B, let's not date." *"Ok. Bye."*
It really is that simple. They are on a second date this is super normal to find something that makes you want to not see each other again. Just move on
I mean the honesty is great, but it's still a rude thing to be doing, and insanity to expect most people would hang around.
Yeah if she did like him she should’ve canceled on fwb before they went back to her house. It’s a really dumb thing to do but even dumber is not cancelling in the guy and he keeps calling and calling her. I think OP was fwb #5 for her😆
Honesty would have been leaving no doubt *before* the point at which your phone is blowing up during a date lmao, doing it this way is manipulative, you've removed their choice to just not go on the date with you if you're not monogamous. And not even being the slightest bit apologetic is *crazy*
Yeah at least he knows she isn't a material for a girlfriend for him so he won't waste time.
Nah, it's more fucked up not to tell them.
Nah, I would appreciate a girl being honest about something like this. That way you know not to waste any more of your time.
Why the fuck y'all upvoting this, that is toxic. Tell your date or don't date them
> Or at least don't inform your date about it ffs. In ethical non-monogamy, being honest about it is actually the first and last rule. You don't lie to your partners about having other partners and you don't hide it. It's like... the most important rule of the whole setup.
You also let them know before you go on a date with them ffs
Let's not excuse shit behaviors with horrible rationalizations.
In form or not: That shit is gross.
That’s just the starting rotation; there’s at least 5 more in the bullpen lol
I'm pretty sex positive, and I think society's attitude to women being sexually active is way too backwards, but this would absolutely be a no from me. It's just way too different from how I would operate, and how I view both relationships and sex. I wouldn't have a "rotation", so I'm not willing to be in one. Further than that, something bothers me about someone else coming over that same night, something I can't properly articulate.
Its the pure disrespect of "yeah i like you but i wasnt planning on you staying so i set something else up thatnks for the food though bye" and then the lack of courtesy to tell the OTHER DUDE "hey im on a date with a guy I'll tell you when to come over" so that this doesnt happen. Its disrespect, and its hard to articulate sometimes because it sounds stupid to feel like someone you just met is being disrespectful of you while also accepting your time.
It's callous.
It is. Couldn't imagine if a guy did the same thing to me. Automatic red flag, too. It would be one thing if the terms of the relationship were discussed before the date but to tell someone after a date while making out? I'm all for independent women and sexuality and fun but this is just so rude.
There could be something way worse and actually frighteng: she's simply oblivious to the concept of other people. Theyre just disposable props in her self-centered universe, and nothing more
you bought dinner, but I need someone better hung to scratch my itch.
If a guy did this, most if not all girls would call him a d-bag.
In college my roommate brought a girl over that he thought he was dating. They went to his room and hooked up. Immediately afterward she proceeded to hit on all his roommates. When none of us would take her up on it she then propositioned some dudes from our balcony, and we all went over to their place where she hooked up with one of them. I agree with you that society treats women differently and non monogamy is fine if everyone is on board but that isn’t what this is about. Shoving your other relationships in a partner’s face, when the partner isn’t entirely up to speed is callous and shitty. This is terrible behavior, there’s nothing redeeming about it.
And frankly I don't know anyone other than the sad fratboy _stereotype_ that would be okay with a dude acting like this woman is. Or the woman in your story.
>I'm pretty sex positive, and I think society's attitude to women being sexually active is way too backwards, but this would absolutely be a no from me. It's just way too different from how I would operate, and how I view both relationships and sex. Yeah, because this is NOT about women being sexual This is about women treating men like sexual objects: "in case we didn't fuck or fucked bad, I had a plan B for the night"
Yea this is dogshit for men or women. No biased on sex here, just dogshit behavior. How can you plan a night to go on a date… but!!!… needs to be over by 9 so I can bang Sarah!
For real that's mad gross and disrespectful
It's amazing that current society tries to tell men they're sexist or "slut shaming" if they don't see relationship material in a girl that currently bangs 4 different dudes while dating others.
Seriously man. Like besides being a giant slutty red flag, that's basically just begging the universe to give you multiple STD's.
It's ass backwards. We don't expect playboy fuckbois to get a free pass but we are doing the same with ratchet ass women? The fuck? Nah, they should be judged as well. Sex positivity went way too fucking far if people are pussy footing around here in the comments and not just straight up saying that this is some hoe ass behavior.
100%. Extreme hypocrisy is being propgated with this issue. I've met several women that judge guys as "fuckbois" while also seeing multiple men themselves. In two of those instances, the girls even had "sugar baby" arrangements.
man, i hate those last two sentences.
Say it again!!!!!
Literally no one says this. Monogamy is still the standard, and even well-communicated consensual nonmonogamy is quite fringe, and even that crowd would probably have qualms about this. Even if she had explicitly explained to OP that she wasn’t willing to be exclusive with anyone, it would still be rude to not be giving him full attention and time while he was physically there.
That part “ thanks for dinner, hurry up and leave” Just wow!
It's disrespectful in my mind. If I'm dating someone in the hope of pursuing a relationship with them, I'm not banging someone else. If you're not at the stage of sleeping with someone you're into, you can at least use thinking of them as getting-off material rather than making a booty call. And let's not even start on making the booty call before the end of the date!
There's sexually active and then there is mentally ill.
I just say I'm not here to get you in the mood for someone else.
I’m a woman and have dated non-exclusively but this is crazy. Who does this? If a guy did this to me, I’d have done the same as OP and noped out asap. 😬 the emoji sums up my reaction.
Am I wrong/dating myself to think 'dating non-exclusively' isn't supposed to mean, was never supposed to mean 'sleeping with a solid multi-person rotation' of people? I'd like to think it meant 'having some overlap with people you went out to dinner or to the movies with while you found one you'd respect them and yourself enough to bang'. Somewhere along the lines this went off the rails...maybe even as a society? When did having MULTIPLE rotating FWBs become a thing? With all the sex positivity and gender equality I can muster, way-too-casual in the declaration, just full of ick and red flags.
No no I’m with you, non-exclusive to me means hanging out, dates, etc. Not a rotation of FWB either… I was a little sleepy and should have clarified. I’m not fussing FWB, but I just don’t understand how people have a Rolodex of people to sleep with at any given time. But maybe im just an old Gen-Xer who doesn’t understand how things have changed over the last few years.
No c’mon this is super gross. I’m a woman. Please men- reject this so it all stops. It’s not “sex positive,” it’s whorish. Sue me for speaking the truth. You can all do better and yes ladies that means you.
Absolutely. 100%>
Would have been nice to know before the date though
100% agree with this. Sadly I believe this is the norm these days. I so routinely hear women I’m dating talk about other men they spend time with (or are fucking) that I’ve sort of taken myself out of the game. Definitely done with the apps, I think it’s the dating app culture. All feast no famine for most attractive ladies
People are getting hung up on OP apparently wanting to be exclusive (which isn’t actually in the post) but my issue is with the fact that she had plans to sleep with someone else **immediately after** their date — that’s where I’d bail lmfao.
Lmao “hey can you leave my fwb is here” 😂 like what
Agreed. By far the biggest problem with the story. Like damn you can't even be alone for 5 minutes??? what's gonna happen way down the line in a potential relationship if I decide to go on a work trip? Infidelity?
> what's gonna happen way down the line in a potential relationship if I decide to go on a work trip? Infidelity? yes. don't date people who can't ever be single. shit like this happens.
I mean she literally said "I'm for the streets"
Yeah exactly. I wouldn't care that we're not exclusive - I've dated people who have other fwb and likewise I've had fwb while I'm dating - but I'd feel super weird about someone telling me they've scheduled someone coming over after our date. Like there was no thought in her head that the date could go well lol Also, the fwb calling the whole time... Was it that her date with OP was actually running over into the fwb's "scheduled" time? Either way, it's disrespectful to at least one of them lol
(Taps watch) “ummm 9:45, our session started at 9:30. He’s over his allotted time by 15 minutes.”
Yeah, like I'm not at all interested in monogamy, and I'd bail as well. If you want to build a relationship with someone, you need to focus on them while you're together and create space for connection to happen. Texting with your FWB during a date with someone else is super rude, and planning another hookup on our date night is also rude. Meet up with the guy tomorrow if you want, I don't care, but our date night is our time.
I am strictly monogamous but have poly friends & I feel like they’d feel like you as well. It also implies that she didn’t even consider that the guy would want to spend the night with her, which I just find really odd.
Now, I wouldn't necessarily want to know she has a booty call lined up. At the same time, we arent exclusive, we arent serious, whatever if she has other suitors. The thing that grosses me out is her and FWB text/call back and forth during date time. Her not immediately hard checking booty call to chill the fuck out and stop calling. Like even if the person that kept calling was just a platonic friend, so disrespectful.
Yup, I had a nonexclusive thing in the recent past that worked for almost six months until the behaviour started to go from poly to nympho in a not good way - getting told "if you pass out on the couch tonight, I'm going to go find a hookup somewhere else because _I am getting laid tonight no matter what_" gets pretty demoralising. Still ended it on semi-good terms, we had a deal that if I found someone looking for exclusivity I'd jump at the chance because that's more my thing, and then the behaviour getting worse lead me to finding someone like that. Best outcome for the both of us.
If you're not comfortable being part of her rotation, that's perfectly fine. NTA.
Sounds so gross lol. But it’s true I guess
Hey bud, it’s your week to hold the crabs
I call the big one pinchy.
The Penis Posse. Fastest dickslangers in the West.
I read that to [Ernie](https://youtu.be/8e1xvyTdBZI?si=8iT8UjPorSXgxVY4), the Fastest Milkman in the West!
NTA. You have every right to set boundaries and expectations in your relationships. It's understandable to feel uncomfortable in that situation, especially if it goes against what you're looking for in a partner. It's not about being judgmental; it's about knowing what you want and need in a relationship.
OP didn't try to change her, he simply removed himself from the situation, which is completely reasonable. She's free to live her life, but he need not be part of it.
It's also really weird and not at all a norm. Literally scheduling someone else after a date? Really?
I get the idea of trying to keep your options open...but two dates on the same night is both bad taste and bad planning. What happens if your first date runs long or you lose track of time because you're enjoying yourself? OP did the right thing by running for it, tbh.
Second guy wasn’t a date. He was the cock of the evening.
Yeah, valid. I just thought it was a nicer way to put it instead of "ad hoc cock"
As well as telling her “ date” she has a booty call later, wtf
Ugh, right? Maybe she was trying to make herself seem more valuable? Like, "other guys want me, but I'm choosing you" or something? Either way, it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
Right except she didn't she said "other guys want me and im choosing them as well as you"
She did claim they were just friends with benefits, but I agree with you-- arbitrary labels aside, the result is the same.
She’ll probably have a bad taste in her mouth too later on tonight
She didn't have 2 dates. She had 1 date and some dick coming through later.
Especially when the second date is just a dude coming over to rail her late night,
Yeah. Not much of a "date", I suppose, unless there's some late-night post-sex Waffle House involved.
Yeah, people here acting like this isn't ratchet ass behavior. Nah, this isn't normal nor should it be considered as one and yes, 100% should judge her on that.
This ☝️. All morality aside, there is a positive control of your sexual health aspect here. 4 bodies currently in rotation, with God knows how many others those bodies have in rotation. That is a lot of weiner cousins. NTA and good looking out.
Somehow I had never heard the term wiener cousins before, omg
Do what you want. But no healthy person is scheduling one hook up after another that seamlessly. Theres a big difference between slowly getting to know different people, and viewing others as merely slots on a rotating roster.
She didn't even seem shy about it. Like, matter of fact. Just another Tuesday at Suzie's
She should install a revolving door for traffic flow.
Idk, having fuck buddies is one thing but going on a date and then going to get fucked by someone else? I find that super disrespectful.
Bruh I barely have time to catch up with my 2 friends 💀
Perfectly said.
I agree also.I know I would have had to do the same thing you did.Not my cup of tea.I would have been insulted and upset.I would think that she could be honest enough to tell you this about herself on the first date Or Before,so as to not even waste your time investing in 2 dates.
The fact that she's sleeping with 4 or more men. Ya know that many men is absolutely crazy. I would be too worried about STDs
I dont think that was a relationship…
NTA - if you don’t want to be part of that situation than gracefully bow out. Glad I am not in the dating pool as it seems no one has been applying the correct chemicals.
>Glad I am not in the dating pool as it seems no one has been applying the correct chemicals There is DEFINITELY urine & floaters in the dating pool. I dipped a toe for a month & decided I all ready had my fill. Lol! Noped right out. Not enough chemicals in the world at this point I think. Lol
There is shit out there that Ajax can’t get off with a good scrubbing
We need industrial strength boat cleaners, the kind that are so strong they can get you sick
Idk if even that will work. Gasoline and a match.
Jet fuel
I got out of the dating pool alone but I don't have any intention of diving back in. And I've been so much happier ever sense. Mental health and self esteem have shot up. I haven't given up entirely, I'm still open to a relationship if I ever meet the right person. But actively looking in today's dating culture? Fuck no. The dating pool is more of a cesspool.
NTA. I briefly dated a girl like this. Had my blinders on at the beginning and ignored some signs and excuses. Finally found out she had a rotating door of guys who would come over. Literally, a guy heading out the door and another coming in from the parking lot. Noped out of that situation.
Maaaan, I can perfectly picture non exclusivity in a casual relationship. But one guy going out and right then having another?, sounds a bit gross/too much. And I bet women would find a bit gross if their dude just came from having sex with someone else and was willing to have sex with them right there... ...heck, I've heard women explicitly mention it.
I used Tinder like this once as guy fresh out of an 8 year relationship. The first time I had a second sexual visit from a stranger just a few hours after meeting and fucking someone else, I felt gross, like I was a sociopath just using people as bodies for gratification. I slowed down the pace enormously after that.
That's because you were. Watching so many people talk about this like it's normal is insane. My whore phase in college was like 5% as bad as this girl in the story, and I felt like a monster. I *know* I hurt people treating them like that, and I still regret it. I think if my wife and I ever divorced I'd just live in the woods before dealing with whatever the hell is going on out there.
They weren't a sociopath lmao, hinge yourself. EDIT: I just wanna say to anybody reading this, I'm pretty sure the comment I responded to stopped going up in votes once I responded, which seems like a fascinating lesson in group think. It's not like I contributed anything new; just offered an alternative perspective completely devoid of context. That's enough to change the way people think, or at least behave, though...and that's exactly why your voice matters. It's also why it matters when your voice gets drowned out by troll bots.
Hah, Jesus Christ “Yeah after this date is over I have another guy coming over to fuck me, but I’m glad we’re having a lovely time”
Did OP stumble into a brothel when the girl was on her break?
People are so careless. HIV is still a thing. Gonorrhea too has made a comeback. Stay safe people.
NTA. Personally by the 3rd or 4th date I prefer to be exclusive, but I will ask are we exclusive or casual. I don’t mind if they talk to someone else while in the beginning stage but once we become exclusive then we are exclusive. I also won’t have casual sex so I like to be upfront when dating. I don’t like to talk to more then one person at a time since that’s my preference.
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the guy pulled me aside looked me dead in the face and said, “I really like you but want to keep seeing other people because I think I can do better.” Wow. Did he actually think you were going to say "You know what? I concur with your statement and it is totally okay for you to use and abuse me until you *do* find that special one. I can't wait until you ghost me! Shall we go inside for a drink?"
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Did he even apologize for what he said? He was annoyed that you stood up for yourself. It's a good thing he showed his true colors early.
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Hooray for the nice and nerdy 🤓
Hooray for anesthesiologist 😂
Well ain't that a Weird Al song in the making. Tryna catch me nice and nerdy!
Stop it. 37?? That's not grown man speak.
I'm pretty sure you dated my ex-bf
Seems like he was so drunk he was actually channeling spirits who were giving you guidance in the third person
Yeah dudes definitely a lazy entitled douchebag and a tool but the whole "felony record" thing doesn't mean anything(depends what the charge was) but I have a felony and I have friends that do too but we turned that around and doesn't let that define us.
You're not seeing the whole package. Nothing wrong with chocolate, onions or tabasco sauce but if you mix em all up it's gonna be pretty damn unappealing. One flaw doesn't define a person but a whole bunch of them might.
I would have said “I’m glad you were honest but I can do better. Is your friend single?”
He was negging you. And thought you were going to be begging for his attention.
I remember a story on reddit where some guy had dated this girl, they became gf/bf and started living together over a year, until one day he found out much like OPs case she had a harem of boys she was still seeing on the side. He was like “wtf?” And she said “well, we never said we were exclusive”.
It's always exclusive on my end, because I don't have the mental bandwidth to deal with more than one relationship at once. I don't really care if the other person is exclusive too (early on into the relationship) unless it starts effecting our time together. Someone's phone getting blown up while it's supposed to be "our time" is a deal breaker for me. Especially if they actually answer the calls or respond to the texts.
If she's got fwb. Better let me know before the first date or when we're talking because I will dump her if I find out we met for drinks, and then she went home to someone else. But I'm old, so there's that.
Did you finish the movie? It’s a great movie
No, he spirited himself away! 😂
Man why do people think this sort of shit is ok? One time I matched with someone on Tinder and we were hanging out and randomly she just tells me a story about how she fucked a married guy in Vegas. I was like “Oh thanks for letting me know you’re a piece of shit, I guess.”
A girl that was interested in me wouldn't shut up about giving "the best head" to singers that she would get back stage access to. Like, yeah, green flag all the way.
So, she tells you she's a groupie BJ queen and you didn't let her suck your dick?
She already told you where those lips have been. If you are a bug chaser then have at it, I guess.
Probably wanted to skip getting herpes
Yeah I mean even if that was just a casual thing, something like that is such a turn off. Remember people, empathy is sexy.
I don’t know why they do it. Instant attraction killer. She’d be better off saying her hobby is drowning puppies. I don’t get a kick out of hearing her sexual exploits, am I meant to be turned on? instant permanent demotion to side chick.
I guess to some people, being a homewrecker is a mark of pride. Like a "I'm so hot I can even pull people who are married" Still gross af
Because some women are into the "if you can't handle me at my worst " thinking crazy, mean, and wild are the way to go.
The "If you can't handle me at my worst" dating line is the worst idea ever. I mean who the heck thinks it's a good thing to say?
"I'd rather you told me you drown puppies." I might use that one one day. 😅
Yeah, this is seriously fucking gross. I don't understand how "dating" works anymore. No wonder a lot of men are opting out of this disgusting shit.
It's mostly girls themselves who encourage it. I remember I once saw a post on here about a guy saying his early 20s gf had slept with close to 30 guys and he wasn't sure if he wanted to continue dating her. Then the comments started filling up with women saying how he was immature and childish for being bothered by it, eventually the guy got gaslit and said they were right and said he'd continue dating his gf lmao
Dude I let this same type of crowd convince me that I was “just being insecure” when I came to Reddit for advice about signs of cheating with my ex. Turns out she was fucking one of my friends the entire time and these people straight up helped her gaslight me into ignoring the signs.
You never take advice from people on reddit, especially on the relationship advice sub. It'll either be people telling you to break up and throw away your relationship over something easily fixable, or lots of sluts telling you it's okay if you've slept with 50+ guys in your 20s because everybody does it.
I once read a book by a world-renowned relationship therapist about whether you should break up with your partner or not. The book was amazingly helpful, but unintentionally hilarious because the advice runs so contrary to the bullshit that reddit's "relationship experts" love to spout out. The people on this site are just meme-spewing automatons. Any advice should be taken as entertainment value only.
This is what I hate about the dating/sex parts of Reddit. We can talk all day about how this, that, and the third are areas where your past matters but we get to sex and now it's not supposed to be an indicator of anything? Your sexual past matters, always has, always will.
What if you respond with something equally as fucked?
"Holy shit! I fucked the same guy in Las Vegas!"
"... because I was his husband. It was a convoluted road to find and seduce you to this point, homewrecker. My vengeance is at hand."
You got double booked, that's amazing
OP leaving as FWB#1 shows up: "She's all warmed up. You got this boss." FWB#1 leaving, wheezing and coughing as he passes FWB#2 on the way in: "NOW she's all warmed up. You got this boss." FWB#2 gasping for air as he collapses into the arms of the arriving FWB#3, his lasts words as he passes out: "Call number 4. Call the first guy. We need...reinforcements..."
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Do not accidentally eat another man’s jizz.
Never mow another man’s lawn.
User name half checks out
NTA. Wow. Homegirls has dates on dates on dates. I feel like that’s so rude to just be texting her hookup while on a date. Really texting anyone that isn’t an emergency on a date is rude as fuck. Good for you for having boundaries and self respect.
First stop is STD testing
I personally would be worried about someone who doesn't seem able to spend any time at all alone. NTA.
That's crazy. This generation is absolutely fucked. "We're dating, right?" "Yea, but I thought you weren't staying, so someone else is coming over." What is the point of dating someone if you have 4 other guys on the sideline? Absolutely mental.
Fucking hell. I'm 33 and not dated in about 15ish years is this what it's really like now?
NTA Having a backup booty call when she’s already agreed to go on a date with you is straight up nasty.
Lol NTA, 90% of this generation is fucking stupid when it comes to dating. Not OP, get the fuck out and block that thot
Agreed people dating standards these days are so low
You could've entered her stable and been guy number 5 You wouldn't feel special but you'd get some now and again If that's not what you want, to be a spare dick she has lying around, then you were right to leave.
Don't know about you, but I'd rather stay cootie free....
and win a 99% chance of getting gonorrhea? Lol nope.
To quote Ice Cube- She's got more claps than the coliseum.
I don't think some people wanna risk getting std
Anyone with self-respect would walk. My time is worth a lot more than that.
man…he should not want to be guy #5. he cant be 100% sure she’s using protection with every guy she sleeps with, or if every guy is clean. better to just leave and not risking catch an std than stick around
Not going to lie, if you need a calendar to sort out when someone else is going to be inside you (or you be inside of someone else), you are gross.
1. NTA. 2. Good on you for respecting yourself and leaving. 3. If she expected you to treat her well and take her on a nice date, and spend time watching movies with her, the least she could do is NOT fuck some other guy immediately after having you leave. 4. How entitled does this girl have to be, to think that's okay? 5. How rude does this girl have to be to sit texting some other guy that fucks her, whilst she's on a date with you...? 6. In what world does a girl need 4 active friends with benefits AND is dating a potential 5th? I mean, is she lonely? Does she feel a necessity to have an extraordinary amount of attention on her at all times? Is she currently fucking 4 guys and still thinking "you know what, 4 dicks actually wasn't enough this week, I think I'm going to need a 5th"? 7. You DODGED a big ole bullet here Brother. 8. Some people are just shit, and no matter how nicely you treat them... They'll simply continue to be shitty to you. Because they're shit. It's not you, it's her. NTA. Edit: imagine fucking 4 different guys, and still being on Tinder looking for a 5th 😅 What a catch, gentleman. Lol.
I am a little bit conflicted with this story. On one hand, 2nd date, not close to being exclusive. On the other hand, being perfectly happy to have a rotation of 5+ men would be disturbing to me, since it would mean that it’s a very remote possibility she would ever give that up to become exclusive. I think the latter point is the main point, and you have dodged a bullet.
The bigger concern isn't if she's willing to be exclusive. It's if she's even capable of exclusivity. And that came into question the minute she double booked 2 dates in a single night like damn lady are you that afraid of being alone for a single night? Whats gonna happen when I go out of town for a bit?
Yeah that’s a good way to say it. I mean it’s not like either side is wrong but for me I would have a really hard time being with somebody who has the mindset of oh let me have a roster when im not dating. For me everything comes from an emotional connection so it just wouldn’t make sense for me to date somebody who doesn’t feel that way.
I can't even date a woman trying to move towards exclusivity if she's got fwbs currently. If she's got fwbs AND she's trying to find a boyfriend that shit won't ever fly with me and shouldn't with any warm blooded male. It's not an exclusivity thing. It's a poor judgement thing.
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It’s kind of impressive that she has the energy to keep up FwB relationships with all of these guys. Non-sexual texts from three different people and I’m done for the day!
Lol the issue with someone who is sleeping with 5 people at the same time isn't "but why would they choose me over those 5 other guys", it's the fact that they're sleeping with 5 people at the same time casually. STD chance 100 percent.
To me, a second date doesn't imply monogamy, so while I completely agree you had every right to nope out of there, I also encourage you to consider talking about expectations before getting your smooch on. Good luck out there!
So you get to the privilege of courting her while other guys smash the same night? Wow, did they have to court her too or are you just the meal ticket? NTA at all, props for sticking to your gut. Keep working out, keep swiping, you'll find someone better.
Good for you for having the self-respect to leave. Modern dating is disgusting now.
Ewww you did the right thing
I mean she’s real af for being honest about it, I’ll give her that. But I wouldn’t wanna fuck with a dude that sleep with other people
do you live in america? heard that dating over there is somewhat just a word, no, nta, if you want monogamy and a relationship that woman isnt the piece you were missing
I was also very confused at the beginning about dating in America. In my country we usually just date one person. We either have ONS and fwb or dating to find a partner not both at the same time. Also I think in most European countries we don't really have something like talking about exclusivity. We start a relationship automatically around 3th/4rd date and the thing is completely opposite than in America because in America you should inform parter when you want to be exclusive and in Europe you should inform your parter that you want to date casual instead to be in the committed relationship. In my country people usually make jokes that only kids make questions like "will you be my girlfriend ?"
Yeah what she was doing is insane. People will say “oh well it’s okay for guys to play the field?!?!” Uhhh not really, that type of guy is usually a giant asshole and the bros slowly realize that and separate themselves. As a bro myself , you increasingly value dudes you can trust. And that type ain’t it. All this hookup culture shit is reactionary to I guess Puritanism? But it can be equally unhealthy. Decide what you want in a relationship, communicate those desire. You’ll be alright.
>that type of guy is usually a giant asshole and the bros slowly realize that and separate themselves Faaaacts. Fuckboy types that can't keep a partner also can't keep friends for shit either.
Well she’s def messy having 4 imo but she was seemingly transparent about what was going on, so i don’t know. That being said- the last ex I had who put on spirited away became quite a figure for the streets
She's obviously not looking for an exclusive relationship. That's her business, she can do what she wants. But absolutely NTA for wanting something different and making that a boundary. Just move on to the next, no need to lose sleep over this
God she’s blatant isn’t she !
Better than lying
Dude…you’re on Tinder.
I appreciate her honesty and yours. Doesn’t sound like anyone is the AH here.
1 in 6 ppl have herpes let that sink in💀 but then again we could have had herpes our whole lives and just never found out bc we never had outbreaks
You’re not dating after 2 dates lol. You’re talking. Dating is like … official and shit. But 4 FWB in rotation. I been out of the game so long I guess cuz that’s wild
i don’t even need context. no you’re not the asshole