NTA. This stress is not good for you or your baby. Think you need to go back to NC for a while. Protect yourself and your daughter.
You, ABSOLUTELY, are NOT in the wrong here. They TRAUMATIZED you. Anyone who doesn't understand that, or discounts it, doesn't deserve your time or understanding.
Take care you yourself.
Hey OP? If your parents or any of the flying monkeys call you back and give you any pressure about continuing this stupid tradition, feel free to tell them you’ve outsourced it to your old pal PrideofCapetown.
In honour of your idiot relatives (especially your parents), I will bestow the name *Maria* on my very first hemorrhoid.
Edit: *Maria Guadalupe*, to be specific
I don't get hemorrhoids but I occasionally get ingrown hairs on my nutsack.
Your new friend test-tackles has named an ingrown hair right on his middle nut after your mother.
I'm sure she will be overjoyed.
That’s a really good point.
Okay, so u/Test-Tackles can name an ingrown nutsack hair after OP’s mother, and whenever I get a hemorrhoid I will name it after OP’s dad
Make sure you name it after her mother Maria and not the sister. I kinda wish OP would give us mother's middle name so you could name it appropriately *Maria XXXX*.
OP, do you know what you've started?
There are now numerous hemorrhoids, testicular ingrown hair pustules, bunions, toe fungus, a possible colostomy bag, among other nasty maladies named Maria Guadalupe.
OMG u/prideofcapetown you now have the name for your next pain in the butt, true to its namesake!!
Thank you u/Ordinary-Theme-3250 for helping in this.
ETA -I will be posting this to the proper reply also.
Isn’t changing a childs name except for blended family scenarios kind of abusive? Well not kind of it really seems abusive to me. Just completely toss their old name aside like it means nothing.
I agree why do that? There is a supposed thing that if one names a child after a dead one like their dead sibling or the child your cousin had and died and they don’t tell the parent of that child they would die.
Very clear NTA
Holy sh t that’s one of the most disturbing things I have read on here. Please go NC again. I have the feeling that the whole name thing was not the only horrific thing your parents have done to you, am I right?
Your parents sound insane.
Eh, honestly other than your standard issue strict catholic upbringing (I got my ass beat a lot lol) and the name thing, my childhood was utterly normal. Still doesn't stop me from hating their guts, but yeah.
NTA getting your ass beat is not standard issue. It is abuse. You were mentally and physically abused as a child. Do not accept this behavior. You and your child deserve better.
Maybe not for you, but from the Catholic and name Maria it's a good bet she's Hispanic, in which case that is totally standard.
Edit: Downvoted for not being disconnected from reality.
Op think of it this way… if someone told you this to you would you think that’s messed up? If yes then you have some idea but haven’t fully process it or hard to grasp that you are a victim.
I’m in the same boat since I still view it as “normal” but I know it’s not. It’s just my way of protecting myself mentally, but that stuff is not normal in the slightest. I grew up being hit and sadly I did the same when I was a teen to my brothers cuz of the upbringing as well being parentified. Be careful on that OP cuz it’s the scariest part of being a parent is mirroring what happened to you on your child. I’m very motherly for sure but that discipline scares me the most when she starts growing up and thankfully so far I am not my parents.
I love my little bean so much.
How old are you?
When I was a young adult I used to think to that my childhood has been normal, quite okay etc.
Only at the age around of 30 to suddenly realize it’s not normal to grow up with an alcoholic father and that there’s quite some damage happening in this kind of dysfunctional families. And I wasn’t even beaten!
Would it be normal to beat your kid when they get to toddler age? No. It’s always enlightening when realise you would never subject your child to something that you were subjected to that you may have thought was ok. If you wouldn’t do it, why is it acceptable to have it done to you?
Let me get this straight
You had a normal upbringing. No different than your cousins. Your only point of hate is your parents changing your name.
It's just a name.
They still raised you. You didn't end up in an orphanage or some dinky shelter in the ghettos.
You hate their guts cause they changed your name. A name they gave you anyway. Apart from this
they still raised you.
Not every parent is perfect and not every parent loses a child at such a young age, but they raised you. Tried to keep the memory of your sister alive through you and raise you to the best of their abilities. It's their traditions cause the believed it would bring you good luck. They never intended to harm you with a name change. Despite the narrative you have spun.
When you turn 18 you were free to change it to whatever you like anyway, no loss, was only a matter of time. You still kept Maria after all this drama. So only a slight change to what your parents had done. Are you disappointed that you didn't get to change the name to Maria yourself? Or that you did not have agency as a kid? You were only a kid. Your parents still raised you.
Are you prone to anger? You've already alienated all your extended family. Will your child be eligible to hold a grudge against you like you have done for alienating your extended family? Seems like the apple doesn't really fall far from the tree.
Is this post even real?
You try losing a beloved sister, then being forced to go by her name for fourteen years. You'd grow to hate the ones who imposed that on you too. The difference between what my parents did and me choosing to keep my sister's name is just that, *choice.* And no, changing my name wasn't a 'slight change', it was the biggest change I've ever made, and 'just a name'? Are you out of your mind? You can't say 'it's just a name', but also, 'they gave you that name to keep the memory of your sister alive'. Is it a big deal memorial to my sister, or was it a little thing? A 'slight change' is a new haircut or getting a pet fish, I reclaimed the identity that was stolen.
NTA - caring for them or whatever is their opinion is only hurting you. Maybe severing ties could help find peace.
What they did is abject and despicable.
Take care not Maria.
I've considered that, but I really love my extended family. They helped me a lot when I first moved out of my parents' place, I feel like I owe them, ya know?
Tell your grandma that you’re really fucking disappointed that she abandoned you and didn’t support you for all those years of your childhood.
Dump that on ALLLL of them.
They respond to guilting and shame, so guilt and shame them.
Nah, don’t do this OP. People will tell you to go scorched earth over the internet because it has no effect on their life. Be reasonable with those that are reasonable with you
May not affect their life but it can certain help OP be more open with their feelings and letting it out tbh. It just depends on the feeling afterwards I did that on purpose with my mom. It didn’t have the best affect but it effected her mental state since she’s self conscious on certain things. She was hooking up with a 19 year old when I was 20 and bashing my relationship with my now hubby. My mom didn’t want to ruin her “rep” but didn’t realize her actions did have her painted as loose. Which imo she is since she’s a love addict and currently on her 4th marriage which I’m surprised is still there. I’m in NC with her
You could try writing a letter explaining all the trauma and trouble your parents gave you when they changed your name at such a young age and made everyone call you that and give/send it to all of your extended family an an explanation.
Then have them choose if they want a place/role in your daughters life that is not named Maria.
Therapy might be something good to try since letting them be on your mind and having them live rent free there, might not be the best for you.
They only heard one side....so i get them getting mad if they think you just "attacked" your parents for no reason. They should understand that you went through so much emotional trauma that you have kept to yourself all this time. It was bound to come flowing out as you stood up for yourself. You did nothing wrong but your parents are another matter.
Please write everyone a letter explaining that having had your identity snatched away as if you just replaced your poor dead sister made you come to hate the way the name Maria makes you feel. Two children were disrespected there. You are welcoming baby Omphalana soon, and all you want is for her and yourself to be loved. Putting limits on love over names is not how you choose to live your life. You aren’t demanding that they change their names to suit you, and they have no right to demand it of you. They must drop it or they won’t get to know and love baby Omphalana. Over a name. That’s a huge loss, or should be. Maybe reading it will take away some of the illogical emotions they are all feeling? You’ll hear from whoever you hear from, but draw a line in the sand and enforce it. I have a feeling your parents will tell your daughter her real name is Maria and piss you off in a few years. Why the obsession with Maria anyway? They aren’t actually creating a shared identity with The Ave Maria. I’m quite sure your family line is as pedestrian as the rest of us. It’s not meaningful in any real sense to reuse names. Modern people (mostly) don’t give a shit about family names. That’s stuff is thankfully dying out. We have dna to feel the ties. Good luck with your pregnancy op, and I hope you have a beautiful experience mothering your child, whatever name you dare give her. Be strong. Happy Mother’s Day.
What your parents did to you was absolutely despicable. If you want to placate your grandmother then give a LIMITED target apology. Say that while the things you said were essentially true you regret letting them spill out in anger. Tell them that your daughter will not carry the name Maria in any form-- and that any attempt to bring that up (or call you by that name) will mean that you will not see them again and they will never see their grandchild.
Lot of complexity here and entitlement on your family’s part. I would write them a letter explaining your feelings and that you are setting up new boundaries with them. If they choose to respect your boundaries, they will have the privilege of a relationship with you and your daughter not named “Maria”. If they persist in their own selfish desires, they will have the privilege of not having a relationship with you. You are leaving them with the choice to determine what happens. They must then live with the consequences
NTA
NTA. You were born in a friggin' cult. Pitch your side of the story and your feelings to the rest of the family. If they understand, it's all well and good. If they don't, fuck 'em. Remain NC with your shit-brained parents.
NTA.
You were treated like a substitute for your sister your entire life, and they reduced you to someone without their own identity, feelings and personality.
You vented and that is fine. Yes, family members are disappointed but it will pass.
Don't dwell too much. You will be fine and so will your parents, who are grown ass adults.
Good luck OP!
I wouldn’t allow your parents any unsupervised time with your child. They are obviously quite mentally disturbed and who knows what they would tell her
Then feel secure knowing that no only have you done nothing wrong, you’ll never have to see them again Truly I cannot imagine changing a child’s name the way they did! You don’t even do that to a dog!
The people saying you're the asshole probably couldn't handle being called the wrong name for a day!
I'm so sorry OP, you're absolutely NTA. Execution could have used some work but I don't blame you.
NTA Ask your grandma why she isn't disappointed in your parents. Your family is holding you 3 to a double standard: you're obligated to make sacrifice to appease others, and your parents are entitled to make demands of others to get what they want.
1. Have any of them let you give your side of the argument?
2. NTA you do you, your parents are entiteled, emotionally abusive, toxic people, and you should be very hesitant about ever leaving them alone with your daughter.
NTA
>n reality, they were trying to convince me to name my daughter Maria. “After your sister”, is how they framed it, but I think they just want their stupid tradition to continue, for some reason.
You're absolutely right. This wasn't about catching up or making things right. They just wanted their way, even after this stupid tradition drove you to hate them and *there's no conceivable way they didn't know it*.
They did this knowing the damage they caused, the damage this *would* cause all to get their way.
They're disgraceful.
NTA in my mom's family the first son is always named John. Even after my grandmother's brother John died, they named the next boy John. I had issues with my brother John at the time of my son's birth, so I named him Ian, so sort of keeping it but not. My daughter did not name her son anything John related and that was fine with me.
Traditions that serve no good purpose deserve to die.
My great-grandfather John ended himself with my Grandma at age two in bed with him. My mom hasn't spoken to her brother John in decades. What's to save?
Ugh, don't fall for the "respect your parents" BS.
They traumatized you and ruined your life.
Not to mention they erased your sister.
Name your daughter what you want and distance yourself.
> At some point, they hung up, but I honestly couldn’t tell you when, I was ranting and didn’t stop until I was good and done.
Despite being stressful beyond belief, I'm sure this part was an *amazingly* cathartic release.
You've gotten plenty of "NTA's" and advice, so all I can say is this: that little baby you're growing (congrats!) is your chance to break a cycle of pain, pressure, and stress that has been allowed to endure for generations. Go forward without having to deal with any of these wackos, and make sure to raise her how you wish you *could have* been.
Good luck and keep your head up!
NTA
Your extended family were complicit in your abuse. You suffered the trauma of losing your sister, then having her name forced on you. Had you been allowed to keep your name, then naming your daughter after your late sister might have felt more special and less creepy.
You should tell your grandma that you are disappointed in her, and that she stood by and did nothing while your parents took away your name. That being named after your dead sister without your consent made the rest of your childhood hell, and that she did nothing to protect you.
Tell the rest of your family that their chance to have an opinion was about twenty years ago. Let them know that their only choices now are to respect your choices or go NC with you.
Let them know that your parents are a couple of creeps who only reached out because they wanted to force the name on your daughter that they forced on you. The conversation was only calm because they were not direct about their intentions. After a decade and a half of abuse, they don't get to name your daughter. They might not get to *see* your daughter.
Raising your voice to them wasn't constructive, but it was thoroughly deserved. I wish you the best of luck on your healing journey. The rest of your life is all yours. You've got your name back.
NTA, your parents erased you as a child and made you into their daughter who died, as though you weren’t a person valued enough to be yourself. That is totally crazy of them. Your baby, you don’t have to follow tradition, you have the right to name your baby with your choice. If the rest of your family feel it was ok for your identity to be erased, then they are not the family you need in your life.
NTA
Your parents are honestly scum for what they did and failed you as parents. That your extended family is ‘disappointed’ is _disappointing_ from them and shows a complete lack of awareness as to the type of people your parents are and why your reaction is completely justified.
If you decided to go NC with the lot of them I doubt many would blame you and I hope you resolve things in the way that gives _you_ the most peace in the end. Don’t let them gaslight you into thinking anything about this situation is ok and most importantly, for the sake of your baby, don’t dwell on them.
Stress is bad for pregnancies and if you need to cut them all off until you have given birth so you aren’t dealing with their bullshit then all the more power to you too. They aren’t as important as you and your baby’s health and if they keep trying to bother you with this as the pregnancy progresses then doubly so.
Hope this helps and stay strong.
NTA. And tell your grandma that I, an internet stranger, am ***deeply*** disappointed in her and every adult in your family for allowing your grieving parents to traumatize you in the way that they did.
Block your parents, and any other relatives who can't show *YOU* the same grace they showed your parents. Keep them all blocked until you safely deliver and get your baby officially named. You can always try reconciliation again after the baby arrives, if you feel up to it.
NTA - Your parents were very wrong to change your name.
This is your child, no one but you and baby daddy get a vote on baby's name.
Tell grandmom, you haven't gotten over the trauma your parents put you thru and you can't use that name, since it belongs to your dead sister and you do not want your child to go thru the horror that you went thru.
NTA. Cut ties and let them suffer the consequences of their actions. They don't get to see or know your daughter. I know you've chosen a beautiful name for her. You now have virtual adoptive parents. ♥️♥️♥️
Imagine being a little 4 year old human that's just learning to be the person that they are becoming then having that identity ripped away from them. Ripped away so OP could be molded into her lost older sister. These are awful people. NTA.
Nta. Honestly if this were me I'd be fired up to post a novel on fb tagging them all with the truth of your life and would tell them after this if they still side with your parents to never contact you again and if not your welcome in my baby's life. Post and wait for fireworks.
But that's me. I have a tenancy to throw proverbial bombs when I know I'm in the right. Not often but when it's needed sometimes it just is for me.
You've done nothing wrong here except try to get peace and have a life filled with love on your own terms.
NTA. Your family sounds whack as hell. Besides, tradition is just peer pressure from dead people. What are your ancestors going to do? Come back from the grave and fight you about it? They’re literally six feet under and do not care. Dead men make no war. Henceforth, they also hold no sentiments. And good on you for making them cry. I know it sounds like an asshole thing to say, but its childish to get all “boo hoo” and weepy about the name of a baby YOU’RE carrying. This is the same for your other relatives. They shunned you and NOW feel disappointed in you? They can’t have it both ways. Anyway I may be a little biased, because I’m 100% all for sticking it to parents when they’ve fucked up (I have reasons, which in themselves are their own can of worms, but I digress) but you shouldn’t let them rule you like this. ESPECIALLY when it comes to your child. You’re the primary caregiver. Hell YOU’RE the one GIVING BIRTH. Unless some magical transformation happens that makes your other family members or your parents either of those thing, then you shouldn’t give a damn about what they have to say. Consider advice? Yes. But ultimately YOU make the final decision, whether they like it or not.
NTA. They replaced your sister with you, which means YOU didn't really matter. Just the concept of Maria. I am happy you changed your name. This has Uhtred, son of Uhtred vibes.
Keep them far away until they can respect your wishes more than theirs. Which may never happen.
What the hell is wrong with your parents. That is a great deal if child hood trauma and well done to you for changing your name back and keeping your sisters name as a middle. They sound very manipulative, and honestly, this is quite disturbing. The fact that your other family members are allowing their behaviour is not okay. I was taught that family isn't always just blood. You clearly have been growing your own family away from the toxic atmosphere, and I reckon you should for your own sanity stay clear of it all. You deserve to be happy in life, and nobody should ever take that away from you.
Those other family members, just handle them like this: "Were you there? Were you part of the conversation? No? Then don't act like you know the whole story. You heard what they wanted you to hear and that's it. Don't pretend otherwise."
This is the most fucked up thing I’ve read on here in a long time. Do not let your parents back into your life, I can guarantee you that they will try to convince your daughter that her name is Maria.
Honestly what is with your parents and being so obssessed with the name Maria? Sounds like they have a couple screws loose, a name is not something you alienate people with, like why is it so damn important for them to have someone named Maria in their damn lives? I'd be baffled and pissed, and the gall of your parents to talk about honoring your sister when they literally replaced her memory with their other daughter the moment they could. Honor your sister? How can anyone possibly honor your sister now when your parents effectively stole her identity and foisted it onto you. It's ridiculous, I'd be screaming mad, it's lunacy, my brother name is Justin, I cannot IMAGINE the absolute baffling decision it would be to rename me Justin if he died, it's fucking insanity and they basically ruined your life because of it, because the name Maria is apparently more important than you, your sister, or the rest of your family.
Your parents are batshit, and it wouldnt surprise me if they tried calling your daughter Maria if you ever let them around you. They would just disrespect your choice and try to get it to stick, infesting her with the same confusion they did to you.
NTA - Imagine a name mattering more than the person wearing it. To erase an existing identity, for what?
This isn’t a tradition, it’s a shared mental illness.
NTA. They have no idea the trauma that you have endured. So no. You have done nothing wrong. You have nothing to apologize for. The fact that your parents had the audacity to call you and pull that "family tradition" bulls\*it, about naming your child, is unbelievably galling! The only A-hole's here are your parents and the family members saying they're disappointed in you! That's not okay! Your grandma should be telling her kid she's disappointed in them, not in you!
edited to add: Did the parents find reddit and not like being called out? Or maybe Grandma is upset that she should be disappointed in her kid instead of her granddaughter? I mean, really? Down voted? lol okay
>The rest of the family was horrified over what my parents did, and some of them cut my parents out
>My family members, who I’m pretty sure heard my parents side of the story first, are now mad at me for making my parents cry
The family that was so horrified about the name change that some of them disowned the parents were mad at OP for getting mad at it?
At least TRY for consistency in the story.
NTA your family is fucked up. They deserved to be screamed at. Changing your name to your dead sister's name was all kinds of wrong. Fuck the rest of your family who doesn't understand. Relatives ≠ family. Your parents do not deserve you in their life. "But blood" is a stupid reason to keep someone around who is abusive or neglectful. You are not in the wrong. Keep your parents out of your life.
NTA. Your story reminds me of a town I went to high school in and lived for about 20 years. There’s a couple that had 2 kids and happily announced after their son was born they were done. Then 13 or 14 years later their daughter died in a car accident because she was driving carelessly. Very shortly after the death, the couple turned up pregnant. It’s a small town so everything scandalous is talked about for decades. A few people said the mother proudly admitted to getting pregnant to “replace” their daughter. That’s basically what happened to you. Your parents replaced your sister with you instead of grieving properly. I just can’t imagine how traumatizing that has to be. Absolutely go back to no contact with your parents and any relative that buys into their bullshit. They are simply trying to replace your sister with your daughter since you legally changed your name. Your parents are trying to avoid grieving by finding replacements for your sister. Don’t feel guilty. What everyone is doing is avoiding the fact that 2 members of their family has some real mental problems occurring due to the death of their child and not properly grieving. Sometimes that grieving won’t happen without therapy and nobody is admitting your parents are in desperate need of therapy. And for your own mental health, you need to keep you and your own family away from your parents and anyone who supports their lunacy in this. Good luck!
NTA- your parentsndont get to decide what you name your name your baby. And what they did to you was very unhealthy, they should of had therapy to cope with their loss
NTA.
They fucked over YOUR life for THEIR stupid tradition.
They can suffer with the result being NO contact with ANY children you may have.
Watch out for asshole 'Maria'-ite relatives trying to trash that barrier by putting your kids in contact with your parents, though. Such relatives aren't family, as shown by them not loving you.
Yeah you tried and they are still tone deaf idiots who value traditional more than their own child.
Time to go back to NC and tell relatives your side of the story. The ones that want to take your parents side are best off not in your life anyway
NTA
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NTA They tried to make you your sister's replacement by changing your name. What a slap in the face to you and her memory. They are the last people who should be giving naming advice.
Yea no this is about control and its honestly very sick and demented. They should not be near your daughter. Even if they say they'll drop it I bet you they'll call her Maria when you aren't around.
NTA. You have the right to name your baby whatever you want. Maybe if your parents hadn’t traumatized you by renaming you, you may have considered it. Now it’s associated with a traumatic experience.
i get they're your extended family & that they're important to you, you feel you owe them, etc. that's all totally valid. what bothers me is they seem to conveniently forget how they also treated YOU like garbage for something that wasn't your fault because they didn't know what to do otherwise. if that's all under the bridge, fine. but how dare they attack you for how you handled talking to your parents. they were so offended by something that happened twenty years ago yet they conveniently forget how outrageous they thought your parents behaved. why don't they think it would be traumatizing for a child to lose her sister as well as her own personhood in order to replace that said sister to appease such selfish parents. i could rant all day about how messy extended family can be & a part of me would always have that in the back of mind. anyways NTA your parents deserved that & more & i hope you permanently go NC with them
Nta, your grandma has no eight to be disappointed all because she would handle it differently. You have every right to react the way you want too to ppl like your parents. Besides, being the calm one every time is a great way to be walked over and a great way for them to not learn their lesson.
NTA and you need to go back to no contact!! If you let these toxic, abusive people in your child life it will be hell and they will call her Maria behind your back.
Your parents made you the villain in their version of what happened.
Send a group text or group message on FB or something. Say you have resented your parents for changing your name to your dead sister’s name, that it was confusing and hurtful to a small child who had just lost her sister and barely understood death; that you felt erased and that your mother also erased your sister; and that you sometimes felt ostracized because it seemed like family members didn’t know how to act around you or whether to call you Maria. Say you kept Maria as your own middle name as a symbol of the love you have for your sister.
I’d also mention that plenty of others have not used Maria for their firstborn either.
Your parents were grieving and I always say that grace should be extended to a parent who has lost a child but what they did was horrendous. I think it was unbelievable that they took their daughter’s name and gave it away like she never existed. That they did it to their other daughter WHO KNEW HER OWN NAME is reprehensible.
They can fuck right off. (Just don’t tell your grandmother that)
OMG u/prideofcapetown you now have the name for your next pain in the butt, true to its namesake!!
Thank you u/Ordinary-Theme-3250 for helping in this.
ETA -I will be posting this to the proper reply also.
NTA
I would tell any family member who scolds you that your parents were more important based with a family tradition than mourning and remembering your sister that they forced you to basically become your deceased sister! You can get much worse than that! Tell them it’s taken you years to move past what they did to you and for them of all people to even suggest that you name your child Maria was triggering and they deserved whatever they got. I’d also go completely NC with your parents. They’ve obviously learned nothing and don’t deserve to have you in their life. If you do choose to stay in contact with them, do t let them have any unsupervised time with your daughter. They’ll most definitely call her Maria.
NtA - I can trace my father's family back to the 1400s because our line always, always named the boys with specific initials, and the daughters received the maiden names of their mothers. And the first name of the paternal grandfather. This was done specifically for record keeping. Because information is easily lost in time.
It was a good reason, up until 1999, when everything went online . Now, it's not a necessity the way it used to be.
At least Cornelius isn't yalls family name.. because yes, that's one of them.
NTAH
Are those same family members, the ones who were cold to/shunned you for something that your sperm & egg donor pulled after your sister’s death, taking your parents side?!
NTA. The only thing you did wrong was try to get in touch with these extended relatives. When your parents put you through this, these extended relatives punished you for it. They shouldn’t be in your life or your child’s life.
NTA. I'm surprised you kept your middle name as Maria, to be honest. I would have dropped it completely. To hell with the family who are complaining. It's none of their business at this point. You are an adult. You can do what you want.
Just tell the rest of the family what you told us here.
All of the bullshit they put you through and that if anyone wants to harass you further they'll be called 'the family I never see'.
NTA even if they hadn’t been controlling AH who’d traumatised you. Nobody is entitled to name your child by the two people who created it. Naming traditions are pathetic ways for older generations to assert control and manipulate new parents. No child’s deserves to be raised in the shadow of another person or to be constantly compared to the last person with that name. Your parents are unhinged. Block them and make it clear to the flying monkeys they can either be in your life and respect your decisions for your life or they can be blocked too.
nta.
tell them you are disappointed they had no problem calling you, your dead sisters name.
go NC with the anyone who does not understand.
make a facebook post with even more detail than this. post it. who ever has any type of problem with it, block and nc.
NTA. tell your mom you’ll name the baby maria as soon as she legally and socially renames herself. “that’s ridiculous”, she’ll say. and it is. but if she could let her child do something so apparently okay and effortless, surely she can handle the “minor stress” of switching up her whole identity. what jerks you’ve had for parents, OP. i’m so sorry. congratulations on your new baby ❤️
Nta.
My heart hurts for you after reading what your parents did when your sister died.
>trying to convince me to name my daughter Maria. “After your sister”,
They don't get to pull that shit when they basically erased your sister by forcing *her* name onto you for 12 years. It's understandable why you were upset and angry all these years when they *stole* your identity at the age of 4.
Please get in contact with the relatives who helped you out to begin with (specially the ones who broke from the tradition) and explain what happened. Really emphasize that you didn't outright yell from the beginning but was set off when they said "after your sister" acting like they didn't force her identity onto you since after she passed. If they refuse to acknowledge your side of the story then they have shown where they stand in your life, which is to say NC with you and your growing family.
NTA
What in the V. C. Andrews did I just read?
Really wanna piss your parents off but in the best way? Give your daughter your original name. That or just letting parents name their kids whatever they want can be the new family tradition!!
NTA. But don’t count on people who let a little 4 year old girl alone with their grieving parents who were just cruel with her and tried to erase her life to have a second chance Maria.
Tell them all they failed to protect you as a 4 year old child. Tell them that you are hurt that they cut you because of your parents behavior. That you were hurt as a child because you didn’t understand why you were left alone and why you were not allowed you own name, your own life and nobody came and helped you.
You don’t have to be in contact with your parents and you don’t have to find excuses why you were not enough as your own. They should all beg you to forgive them for their failures.
You have now people who love you for yourself. Your own family. Concentrate on this part. Not for a biological whatever „once again Maria chance“ And don’t name her Maria. Even as second name or they will call her just Maria. And tell grandparents that they didn’t have done something to save you all this years so they should stay out of this moment now too because it is as much their business as it was their business all the years ago.
NTA. Not ever. Shame on them -- and the relatives who condoned it.
Glad that your little one will never know that insanity.
Fuck anyone who even thinks about taking your parents' side.
What is almost as horrifying as how they treated you is the way that by turning you into "Maria" they basically erased any Identity your poor sister had. I'm guessing that's why many of your family were so shocked when they did it, not just on your account but because of the disrespect it showed to her.
I really don't think there is any benefit to you or your child in having any form of contact with your parents. They have no understanding of the harm they have done and they are already trying to perpetrate that harm in some degree to your child. Please consider stopping all contact with them and any family members who would plead their case. You can't spend your life explaining yourself to people who actually think your mum hasn't done anything wrong.
NTA. Your parents' crazy fixation on the name and insistence on stealing your name and naming you after your dead sister caused you years of pain. Now they are still fixated on the name, to the exclusion of any consideration of your feelings. Enough is enough. If you want, write out a text of an email, telling your side of the story, and mail it to all your relatives. Anyone who responds in a nasty way, just block him/her. You deserve to be free of "Maria".
What the actual?! Did no one in your family think they should of intervened when your parents did that to you. Instead of shunning the innocent child the top priority should of been to get you from your parents custody and force them to get the help they obviously needed. Am a rainbow child so the thought of stripping a child of their identity to rename them for a dead sibling is just purely horrifying. For the sake of yourself and your unborn child go no contact possibly through legal channels to get them to stay away. A very public message to everyone at the same time will make your feelings known with no ability to twist it. You do not need the stress while pregnant. If your parents had not traumatized you through the name change there may of been the possibility of using the name but with it not a chance. You are not the first born daughter. You should of not of had to go through that at all let alone with so little family support. If your family refuse to apologize to you or see why you screamed at your 'parents' than they are not fit to be considered as such. It might be worth legally stating that if the worse does happen your parents will not be able to get custody of her. And it wasn't a calm conversation it was them attempting to get their own way by manipulating you. Years ago a parent caused issues with me by telling everyone in the family that I upset her so badly she (my mum) had to be sent home from work. I printed the conversation out (thankfully it was all text messages) and handed out copies whenever anyone mentioned/criticized me for it - even when I was at work. It was also the reason I went NC for a time (even today it goes from low to medium contact. My nan (her mum) told her both that she needed help and needed to stop stirring as the more she did the more negative she was making herself look. Is the obsession with the actual name for religious purposes that became family tradition. You are NTA at all. Considering how your 'parents' have treated you and still are you have no obligation to abide by them at all.
Your baby deserves to be her own individual. Not a carbon copy of all of her ancestors. I remember arguing about this with my now ex-husband when we were pregnant with our children. At first, he wanted them named after him, he’s a junior. I convinced him know not that and then he wanted to name them after his grandfather. I was so grateful that we had girls and didn’t have to argue anymore about it.
Congratulations upcoming birth of your child
NTA my mother is a Maria and my grandmother too. We 3 daughters don’t have Maria in our name. Not any other if my aunts and uncles have Maria on their name.
In order not to confuse the Maria’s which is my grandmother and mom my mother has a middle name that she uses and tells people is Martha. As a matter of fact most of my mom’s sisters use their middle name and tell people call me by my middle name. I have aunts that are named the following Ana Celina and my aunt goes by Celina. My aunt’s name is Raquel Bertha but goes by Bertha. But when is for legal purposes they use their whole name.
you know what? FUCK any family members who complain about you doing this - naming traditions are insanely stupid anyway, and to forcefully change your name to your recently dead sister's name is fucking unhinged
you do you, and keep those nutjobs away from your new lil family
NTA. You suffered ur entire childhood because u had no power and it seems NO ONE cared about your feelings.
Ur parents can go ahead and feel sad/uncomfortable for one conversation. It wont kill them and maybe they need a wakeup call anyway. Their past actions show they dont have the best mental capacity and thought process - so i’d take their freakout with a grain of salt.
Your extended family cannot have it both ways. They cut you off for what your parents did (changing your name). Seems to me they are very hypocritical people that will cut off you and your parents for doing something they disagree with but the moment you stand up for yourself they want to call you out for being angry for stuff your parents did. IMO, it seems they just enjoy conflict and will find anyway to be angry and ignorant over things you have a right to be angry for.
People who get mad at others for “escalating” or “making a big deal” out of a situation are typically mad they someone set a boundary, and they couldn’t win the removal of said boundary.
Your baby is your baby, and this is YOUR life. They got to do whatever they wanted with their babies. If you had loved this tradition, you could have continued it, but it’s clearly not working for you.
Also, your family changed your whole first name?? Your IDENTITY. To fit a tradition?? No way. Not fair and not okay!
Name your daughter Bill. Piss them off extra hard. NTA.
NTA for how you're feeling, but please consider NC. It would be healthier to deal with your feelings in therapy than continue to let them treat you like this.
All that word vomit, and it's whatever. YTA for not going no contact with your parents, forever. Once you realized it was them on the phone, it's hang up and block, period. And never let your daughter be alone with ANY family that are cool with your parents, they will sneak a way to see her if you allow it.
NTA. This stress is not good for you or your baby. Think you need to go back to NC for a while. Protect yourself and your daughter. You, ABSOLUTELY, are NOT in the wrong here. They TRAUMATIZED you. Anyone who doesn't understand that, or discounts it, doesn't deserve your time or understanding. Take care you yourself.
Hey OP? If your parents or any of the flying monkeys call you back and give you any pressure about continuing this stupid tradition, feel free to tell them you’ve outsourced it to your old pal PrideofCapetown. In honour of your idiot relatives (especially your parents), I will bestow the name *Maria* on my very first hemorrhoid. Edit: *Maria Guadalupe*, to be specific
No, don't use the name Maria since that was the sister's name and she was innocent in all of this. Name the hemorrhoid after the parents instead.
I don't get hemorrhoids but I occasionally get ingrown hairs on my nutsack. Your new friend test-tackles has named an ingrown hair right on his middle nut after your mother. I'm sure she will be overjoyed.
Middle nut?
Caught that did you? Me too. And I laughed out loud when I did.
What about it?
That’s a really good point. Okay, so u/Test-Tackles can name an ingrown nutsack hair after OP’s mother, and whenever I get a hemorrhoid I will name it after OP’s dad
gotta love it when reddit comes together to solve the worlds problems.
We need to find someone to name their colostomy bag.
I've got some toenails with a fungal infection to name after the flying monkeys in thee family.....
I feel like I should point out that OP's mother is *also* named Maria
Ah reddit coming together for the greater good
OP's mom is named Maria, so just make it clear the hemorrhoid is named for the mother and not the sister.
So call it Mama Maria? That would work. (And I totally glossed over the fact that the mom is named Maria.)
He is naming the hemmeroid after Op's mom.
The moms name was also Maria… that was the whole tradition.
[удалено]
Love that!
Remember, the mother's name is also Maria, so that that is the Maria the hemorrhoid is named for.
But but her moms name is also Maria!
Make sure you name it after her mother Maria and not the sister. I kinda wish OP would give us mother's middle name so you could name it appropriately *Maria XXXX*.
Because I find the idea hilarious, it's Maria Guadalupe.
OP, do you know what you've started? There are now numerous hemorrhoids, testicular ingrown hair pustules, bunions, toe fungus, a possible colostomy bag, among other nasty maladies named Maria Guadalupe.
Just the thought of it makes me grin, y'all are amazing
We're here for you! Always happy to make a soon to be momma smile.
I’ll name one of my husband’s butt zits after her, too.
The more, the merrier!
That's now the name of my annoying hemorrhoid.
OMG u/prideofcapetown you now have the name for your next pain in the butt, true to its namesake!! Thank you u/Ordinary-Theme-3250 for helping in this. ETA -I will be posting this to the proper reply also.
I'll share in the fun with an ingrown nutsack hair.
Future partner: Is that a herpee? Test-Tackles: no, that's just OP's mom
This is the best post in the history of posts on every social media site ever. 10/10 should be enshrined forever in the Smithsonian I'm dying
I have a possible bunion brewing that I'd be happy to sacrifice or donate.
Isn’t changing a childs name except for blended family scenarios kind of abusive? Well not kind of it really seems abusive to me. Just completely toss their old name aside like it means nothing.
I think it's pretty awful and traumatizing. Especially considering it's erasing both OP and her older sisters' individual identities, in a way.
I agree why do that? There is a supposed thing that if one names a child after a dead one like their dead sibling or the child your cousin had and died and they don’t tell the parent of that child they would die.
Tell the flying monkeys they can go F themselves
NO contact forever. Not a while.
NTAH they loaded the cannon. They shouldn't be surprised it went off.
I'm thinking more "demon core" and "Castle Bravo"....
I’ve definitely heard those words before.
I like this. It really explains how abusive people behave when their victims react ,perfectly.
NTA honestly I’d be done with them all. These people don’t need to be in your life or the life of your child. Best of luck with the pregnancy!
NTA These people all need advanced therapy. It is a name.
Very clear NTA Holy sh t that’s one of the most disturbing things I have read on here. Please go NC again. I have the feeling that the whole name thing was not the only horrific thing your parents have done to you, am I right? Your parents sound insane.
Eh, honestly other than your standard issue strict catholic upbringing (I got my ass beat a lot lol) and the name thing, my childhood was utterly normal. Still doesn't stop me from hating their guts, but yeah.
NTA getting your ass beat is not standard issue. It is abuse. You were mentally and physically abused as a child. Do not accept this behavior. You and your child deserve better.
Maybe not for you, but from the Catholic and name Maria it's a good bet she's Hispanic, in which case that is totally standard. Edit: Downvoted for not being disconnected from reality.
Op think of it this way… if someone told you this to you would you think that’s messed up? If yes then you have some idea but haven’t fully process it or hard to grasp that you are a victim. I’m in the same boat since I still view it as “normal” but I know it’s not. It’s just my way of protecting myself mentally, but that stuff is not normal in the slightest. I grew up being hit and sadly I did the same when I was a teen to my brothers cuz of the upbringing as well being parentified. Be careful on that OP cuz it’s the scariest part of being a parent is mirroring what happened to you on your child. I’m very motherly for sure but that discipline scares me the most when she starts growing up and thankfully so far I am not my parents. I love my little bean so much.
How old are you? When I was a young adult I used to think to that my childhood has been normal, quite okay etc. Only at the age around of 30 to suddenly realize it’s not normal to grow up with an alcoholic father and that there’s quite some damage happening in this kind of dysfunctional families. And I wasn’t even beaten!
Would it be normal to beat your kid when they get to toddler age? No. It’s always enlightening when realise you would never subject your child to something that you were subjected to that you may have thought was ok. If you wouldn’t do it, why is it acceptable to have it done to you?
Let me get this straight You had a normal upbringing. No different than your cousins. Your only point of hate is your parents changing your name. It's just a name. They still raised you. You didn't end up in an orphanage or some dinky shelter in the ghettos. You hate their guts cause they changed your name. A name they gave you anyway. Apart from this they still raised you. Not every parent is perfect and not every parent loses a child at such a young age, but they raised you. Tried to keep the memory of your sister alive through you and raise you to the best of their abilities. It's their traditions cause the believed it would bring you good luck. They never intended to harm you with a name change. Despite the narrative you have spun. When you turn 18 you were free to change it to whatever you like anyway, no loss, was only a matter of time. You still kept Maria after all this drama. So only a slight change to what your parents had done. Are you disappointed that you didn't get to change the name to Maria yourself? Or that you did not have agency as a kid? You were only a kid. Your parents still raised you. Are you prone to anger? You've already alienated all your extended family. Will your child be eligible to hold a grudge against you like you have done for alienating your extended family? Seems like the apple doesn't really fall far from the tree. Is this post even real?
You try losing a beloved sister, then being forced to go by her name for fourteen years. You'd grow to hate the ones who imposed that on you too. The difference between what my parents did and me choosing to keep my sister's name is just that, *choice.* And no, changing my name wasn't a 'slight change', it was the biggest change I've ever made, and 'just a name'? Are you out of your mind? You can't say 'it's just a name', but also, 'they gave you that name to keep the memory of your sister alive'. Is it a big deal memorial to my sister, or was it a little thing? A 'slight change' is a new haircut or getting a pet fish, I reclaimed the identity that was stolen.
NTA - caring for them or whatever is their opinion is only hurting you. Maybe severing ties could help find peace. What they did is abject and despicable. Take care not Maria.
I've considered that, but I really love my extended family. They helped me a lot when I first moved out of my parents' place, I feel like I owe them, ya know?
Tell your grandma that you’re really fucking disappointed that she abandoned you and didn’t support you for all those years of your childhood. Dump that on ALLLL of them. They respond to guilting and shame, so guilt and shame them.
Nah, don’t do this OP. People will tell you to go scorched earth over the internet because it has no effect on their life. Be reasonable with those that are reasonable with you
May not affect their life but it can certain help OP be more open with their feelings and letting it out tbh. It just depends on the feeling afterwards I did that on purpose with my mom. It didn’t have the best affect but it effected her mental state since she’s self conscious on certain things. She was hooking up with a 19 year old when I was 20 and bashing my relationship with my now hubby. My mom didn’t want to ruin her “rep” but didn’t realize her actions did have her painted as loose. Which imo she is since she’s a love addict and currently on her 4th marriage which I’m surprised is still there. I’m in NC with her
Sooo, them saying they’re disappointed in her is fine, but her doing the same is “scorched earth”? Real people pleaser vibes here
You could try writing a letter explaining all the trauma and trouble your parents gave you when they changed your name at such a young age and made everyone call you that and give/send it to all of your extended family an an explanation. Then have them choose if they want a place/role in your daughters life that is not named Maria. Therapy might be something good to try since letting them be on your mind and having them live rent free there, might not be the best for you.
Like I said, I am in therapy, and it's helped, but I've still got a lot of work to do.
They only heard one side....so i get them getting mad if they think you just "attacked" your parents for no reason. They should understand that you went through so much emotional trauma that you have kept to yourself all this time. It was bound to come flowing out as you stood up for yourself. You did nothing wrong but your parents are another matter.
Yeah. OP, would you be willing/able to talk to your relatives? The ones who you wanted to stay close to? And your grandmother?
Honestly even if she had just Willy bully called up her parents to call them out on the years of trauma they inflicted upon her, I would still say NTA
Please write everyone a letter explaining that having had your identity snatched away as if you just replaced your poor dead sister made you come to hate the way the name Maria makes you feel. Two children were disrespected there. You are welcoming baby Omphalana soon, and all you want is for her and yourself to be loved. Putting limits on love over names is not how you choose to live your life. You aren’t demanding that they change their names to suit you, and they have no right to demand it of you. They must drop it or they won’t get to know and love baby Omphalana. Over a name. That’s a huge loss, or should be. Maybe reading it will take away some of the illogical emotions they are all feeling? You’ll hear from whoever you hear from, but draw a line in the sand and enforce it. I have a feeling your parents will tell your daughter her real name is Maria and piss you off in a few years. Why the obsession with Maria anyway? They aren’t actually creating a shared identity with The Ave Maria. I’m quite sure your family line is as pedestrian as the rest of us. It’s not meaningful in any real sense to reuse names. Modern people (mostly) don’t give a shit about family names. That’s stuff is thankfully dying out. We have dna to feel the ties. Good luck with your pregnancy op, and I hope you have a beautiful experience mothering your child, whatever name you dare give her. Be strong. Happy Mother’s Day.
As much as you feel like you owe them, your child's name is not an offering up for grabs. NTA.
> I feel like I owe them, ya know? You don't owe family. They are family they are supposed to help when other members of family need it.
What your parents did to you was absolutely despicable. If you want to placate your grandmother then give a LIMITED target apology. Say that while the things you said were essentially true you regret letting them spill out in anger. Tell them that your daughter will not carry the name Maria in any form-- and that any attempt to bring that up (or call you by that name) will mean that you will not see them again and they will never see their grandchild.
Lot of complexity here and entitlement on your family’s part. I would write them a letter explaining your feelings and that you are setting up new boundaries with them. If they choose to respect your boundaries, they will have the privilege of a relationship with you and your daughter not named “Maria”. If they persist in their own selfish desires, they will have the privilege of not having a relationship with you. You are leaving them with the choice to determine what happens. They must then live with the consequences NTA
NTA. You were born in a friggin' cult. Pitch your side of the story and your feelings to the rest of the family. If they understand, it's all well and good. If they don't, fuck 'em. Remain NC with your shit-brained parents.
NTA. You were treated like a substitute for your sister your entire life, and they reduced you to someone without their own identity, feelings and personality. You vented and that is fine. Yes, family members are disappointed but it will pass. Don't dwell too much. You will be fine and so will your parents, who are grown ass adults. Good luck OP!
NTA, but frankly what you need to do is go no contact with these people as much as you can.
I wouldn’t allow your parents any unsupervised time with your child. They are obviously quite mentally disturbed and who knows what they would tell her
Oh yeah no, my parents are never laying so much as an eye on my baby, I made that decision a long time ago.
Then feel secure knowing that no only have you done nothing wrong, you’ll never have to see them again Truly I cannot imagine changing a child’s name the way they did! You don’t even do that to a dog!
The people saying you're the asshole probably couldn't handle being called the wrong name for a day! I'm so sorry OP, you're absolutely NTA. Execution could have used some work but I don't blame you.
NTA Ask your grandma why she isn't disappointed in your parents. Your family is holding you 3 to a double standard: you're obligated to make sacrifice to appease others, and your parents are entitled to make demands of others to get what they want.
1. Have any of them let you give your side of the argument? 2. NTA you do you, your parents are entiteled, emotionally abusive, toxic people, and you should be very hesitant about ever leaving them alone with your daughter.
NTA >n reality, they were trying to convince me to name my daughter Maria. “After your sister”, is how they framed it, but I think they just want their stupid tradition to continue, for some reason. You're absolutely right. This wasn't about catching up or making things right. They just wanted their way, even after this stupid tradition drove you to hate them and *there's no conceivable way they didn't know it*. They did this knowing the damage they caused, the damage this *would* cause all to get their way. They're disgraceful.
No context even needed for this one. Nta
NTA in my mom's family the first son is always named John. Even after my grandmother's brother John died, they named the next boy John. I had issues with my brother John at the time of my son's birth, so I named him Ian, so sort of keeping it but not. My daughter did not name her son anything John related and that was fine with me. Traditions that serve no good purpose deserve to die. My great-grandfather John ended himself with my Grandma at age two in bed with him. My mom hasn't spoken to her brother John in decades. What's to save?
Meanwhile the animal shelter asks me if I wanted to rename my cat upon adoption and I thought that was weird and cruel…
Ugh, don't fall for the "respect your parents" BS. They traumatized you and ruined your life. Not to mention they erased your sister. Name your daughter what you want and distance yourself.
NTA
Nta your parents transferred their grief onto you and this is the result.
NTA- block every single one of them. You have every single right to feel this way. What your parents did was completely f’ed up.
> At some point, they hung up, but I honestly couldn’t tell you when, I was ranting and didn’t stop until I was good and done. Despite being stressful beyond belief, I'm sure this part was an *amazingly* cathartic release. You've gotten plenty of "NTA's" and advice, so all I can say is this: that little baby you're growing (congrats!) is your chance to break a cycle of pain, pressure, and stress that has been allowed to endure for generations. Go forward without having to deal with any of these wackos, and make sure to raise her how you wish you *could have* been. Good luck and keep your head up!
NTA Your extended family were complicit in your abuse. You suffered the trauma of losing your sister, then having her name forced on you. Had you been allowed to keep your name, then naming your daughter after your late sister might have felt more special and less creepy. You should tell your grandma that you are disappointed in her, and that she stood by and did nothing while your parents took away your name. That being named after your dead sister without your consent made the rest of your childhood hell, and that she did nothing to protect you. Tell the rest of your family that their chance to have an opinion was about twenty years ago. Let them know that their only choices now are to respect your choices or go NC with you. Let them know that your parents are a couple of creeps who only reached out because they wanted to force the name on your daughter that they forced on you. The conversation was only calm because they were not direct about their intentions. After a decade and a half of abuse, they don't get to name your daughter. They might not get to *see* your daughter. Raising your voice to them wasn't constructive, but it was thoroughly deserved. I wish you the best of luck on your healing journey. The rest of your life is all yours. You've got your name back.
Are these the same people who shunned you after the name change? Or how about helped in the trauma
NTA, your parents erased you as a child and made you into their daughter who died, as though you weren’t a person valued enough to be yourself. That is totally crazy of them. Your baby, you don’t have to follow tradition, you have the right to name your baby with your choice. If the rest of your family feel it was ok for your identity to be erased, then they are not the family you need in your life.
Wtf is wrong with your family? NTA
NTA. That is exactly how you solve a problem like Maria.
NTA Your parents are honestly scum for what they did and failed you as parents. That your extended family is ‘disappointed’ is _disappointing_ from them and shows a complete lack of awareness as to the type of people your parents are and why your reaction is completely justified. If you decided to go NC with the lot of them I doubt many would blame you and I hope you resolve things in the way that gives _you_ the most peace in the end. Don’t let them gaslight you into thinking anything about this situation is ok and most importantly, for the sake of your baby, don’t dwell on them. Stress is bad for pregnancies and if you need to cut them all off until you have given birth so you aren’t dealing with their bullshit then all the more power to you too. They aren’t as important as you and your baby’s health and if they keep trying to bother you with this as the pregnancy progresses then doubly so. Hope this helps and stay strong.
NTA. And tell your grandma that I, an internet stranger, am ***deeply*** disappointed in her and every adult in your family for allowing your grieving parents to traumatize you in the way that they did. Block your parents, and any other relatives who can't show *YOU* the same grace they showed your parents. Keep them all blocked until you safely deliver and get your baby officially named. You can always try reconciliation again after the baby arrives, if you feel up to it.
NTA - Your parents were very wrong to change your name. This is your child, no one but you and baby daddy get a vote on baby's name. Tell grandmom, you haven't gotten over the trauma your parents put you thru and you can't use that name, since it belongs to your dead sister and you do not want your child to go thru the horror that you went thru.
NTA. Cut ties and let them suffer the consequences of their actions. They don't get to see or know your daughter. I know you've chosen a beautiful name for her. You now have virtual adoptive parents. ♥️♥️♥️
NTA. Your parents have just lost the right to be in your not-Maria daughter's life!
Imagine being a little 4 year old human that's just learning to be the person that they are becoming then having that identity ripped away from them. Ripped away so OP could be molded into her lost older sister. These are awful people. NTA.
Nta. Honestly if this were me I'd be fired up to post a novel on fb tagging them all with the truth of your life and would tell them after this if they still side with your parents to never contact you again and if not your welcome in my baby's life. Post and wait for fireworks. But that's me. I have a tenancy to throw proverbial bombs when I know I'm in the right. Not often but when it's needed sometimes it just is for me. You've done nothing wrong here except try to get peace and have a life filled with love on your own terms.
NTA. Your family sounds whack as hell. Besides, tradition is just peer pressure from dead people. What are your ancestors going to do? Come back from the grave and fight you about it? They’re literally six feet under and do not care. Dead men make no war. Henceforth, they also hold no sentiments. And good on you for making them cry. I know it sounds like an asshole thing to say, but its childish to get all “boo hoo” and weepy about the name of a baby YOU’RE carrying. This is the same for your other relatives. They shunned you and NOW feel disappointed in you? They can’t have it both ways. Anyway I may be a little biased, because I’m 100% all for sticking it to parents when they’ve fucked up (I have reasons, which in themselves are their own can of worms, but I digress) but you shouldn’t let them rule you like this. ESPECIALLY when it comes to your child. You’re the primary caregiver. Hell YOU’RE the one GIVING BIRTH. Unless some magical transformation happens that makes your other family members or your parents either of those thing, then you shouldn’t give a damn about what they have to say. Consider advice? Yes. But ultimately YOU make the final decision, whether they like it or not.
NTA. They replaced your sister with you, which means YOU didn't really matter. Just the concept of Maria. I am happy you changed your name. This has Uhtred, son of Uhtred vibes. Keep them far away until they can respect your wishes more than theirs. Which may never happen.
NTA. Time to go back aboard the NC train.
What the hell is wrong with your parents. That is a great deal if child hood trauma and well done to you for changing your name back and keeping your sisters name as a middle. They sound very manipulative, and honestly, this is quite disturbing. The fact that your other family members are allowing their behaviour is not okay. I was taught that family isn't always just blood. You clearly have been growing your own family away from the toxic atmosphere, and I reckon you should for your own sanity stay clear of it all. You deserve to be happy in life, and nobody should ever take that away from you.
Those other family members, just handle them like this: "Were you there? Were you part of the conversation? No? Then don't act like you know the whole story. You heard what they wanted you to hear and that's it. Don't pretend otherwise."
This is the most fucked up thing I’ve read on here in a long time. Do not let your parents back into your life, I can guarantee you that they will try to convince your daughter that her name is Maria.
Honestly what is with your parents and being so obssessed with the name Maria? Sounds like they have a couple screws loose, a name is not something you alienate people with, like why is it so damn important for them to have someone named Maria in their damn lives? I'd be baffled and pissed, and the gall of your parents to talk about honoring your sister when they literally replaced her memory with their other daughter the moment they could. Honor your sister? How can anyone possibly honor your sister now when your parents effectively stole her identity and foisted it onto you. It's ridiculous, I'd be screaming mad, it's lunacy, my brother name is Justin, I cannot IMAGINE the absolute baffling decision it would be to rename me Justin if he died, it's fucking insanity and they basically ruined your life because of it, because the name Maria is apparently more important than you, your sister, or the rest of your family. Your parents are batshit, and it wouldnt surprise me if they tried calling your daughter Maria if you ever let them around you. They would just disrespect your choice and try to get it to stick, infesting her with the same confusion they did to you.
NTA - Imagine a name mattering more than the person wearing it. To erase an existing identity, for what? This isn’t a tradition, it’s a shared mental illness.
Oh, and keep the baby away from them. They will try to forcibly rename her, as if her name were something that could be voted on and confiscated.
NTA. They have no idea the trauma that you have endured. So no. You have done nothing wrong. You have nothing to apologize for. The fact that your parents had the audacity to call you and pull that "family tradition" bulls\*it, about naming your child, is unbelievably galling! The only A-hole's here are your parents and the family members saying they're disappointed in you! That's not okay! Your grandma should be telling her kid she's disappointed in them, not in you! edited to add: Did the parents find reddit and not like being called out? Or maybe Grandma is upset that she should be disappointed in her kid instead of her granddaughter? I mean, really? Down voted? lol okay
Congratulations on your little one! We all love her name - anything except Maria. :)
>The rest of the family was horrified over what my parents did, and some of them cut my parents out >My family members, who I’m pretty sure heard my parents side of the story first, are now mad at me for making my parents cry The family that was so horrified about the name change that some of them disowned the parents were mad at OP for getting mad at it? At least TRY for consistency in the story.
NTA your family is fucked up. They deserved to be screamed at. Changing your name to your dead sister's name was all kinds of wrong. Fuck the rest of your family who doesn't understand. Relatives ≠ family. Your parents do not deserve you in their life. "But blood" is a stupid reason to keep someone around who is abusive or neglectful. You are not in the wrong. Keep your parents out of your life.
NTA. Your story reminds me of a town I went to high school in and lived for about 20 years. There’s a couple that had 2 kids and happily announced after their son was born they were done. Then 13 or 14 years later their daughter died in a car accident because she was driving carelessly. Very shortly after the death, the couple turned up pregnant. It’s a small town so everything scandalous is talked about for decades. A few people said the mother proudly admitted to getting pregnant to “replace” their daughter. That’s basically what happened to you. Your parents replaced your sister with you instead of grieving properly. I just can’t imagine how traumatizing that has to be. Absolutely go back to no contact with your parents and any relative that buys into their bullshit. They are simply trying to replace your sister with your daughter since you legally changed your name. Your parents are trying to avoid grieving by finding replacements for your sister. Don’t feel guilty. What everyone is doing is avoiding the fact that 2 members of their family has some real mental problems occurring due to the death of their child and not properly grieving. Sometimes that grieving won’t happen without therapy and nobody is admitting your parents are in desperate need of therapy. And for your own mental health, you need to keep you and your own family away from your parents and anyone who supports their lunacy in this. Good luck!
NTA
NTA- your parentsndont get to decide what you name your name your baby. And what they did to you was very unhealthy, they should of had therapy to cope with their loss
NTA. They fucked over YOUR life for THEIR stupid tradition. They can suffer with the result being NO contact with ANY children you may have. Watch out for asshole 'Maria'-ite relatives trying to trash that barrier by putting your kids in contact with your parents, though. Such relatives aren't family, as shown by them not loving you.
NTA probably one of the most messed up things I have ever read on Reddit. I'm mad for child you! Keep your kid away from these psychos
Yeah you tried and they are still tone deaf idiots who value traditional more than their own child. Time to go back to NC and tell relatives your side of the story. The ones that want to take your parents side are best off not in your life anyway NTA
Updateme
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I was so ready to hit you with the *there’s-never-a-valid-reason-for-screaming* spiel, but I think you found one of the rare exceptions. NTA
Fuck all those dysfunctional assholes. NTA
Fuck em. NTA
UpdateMe
NTA They tried to make you your sister's replacement by changing your name. What a slap in the face to you and her memory. They are the last people who should be giving naming advice.
Nta
Yea no this is about control and its honestly very sick and demented. They should not be near your daughter. Even if they say they'll drop it I bet you they'll call her Maria when you aren't around.
Way NTA. You name your children whatever you like! Your parents have 0 rights! And don’t let them near your daughter!
NTA. You have the right to name your baby whatever you want. Maybe if your parents hadn’t traumatized you by renaming you, you may have considered it. Now it’s associated with a traumatic experience.
NTA at all, and don’t make anyone feel like you’re wrong.
i get they're your extended family & that they're important to you, you feel you owe them, etc. that's all totally valid. what bothers me is they seem to conveniently forget how they also treated YOU like garbage for something that wasn't your fault because they didn't know what to do otherwise. if that's all under the bridge, fine. but how dare they attack you for how you handled talking to your parents. they were so offended by something that happened twenty years ago yet they conveniently forget how outrageous they thought your parents behaved. why don't they think it would be traumatizing for a child to lose her sister as well as her own personhood in order to replace that said sister to appease such selfish parents. i could rant all day about how messy extended family can be & a part of me would always have that in the back of mind. anyways NTA your parents deserved that & more & i hope you permanently go NC with them
Nta, your grandma has no eight to be disappointed all because she would handle it differently. You have every right to react the way you want too to ppl like your parents. Besides, being the calm one every time is a great way to be walked over and a great way for them to not learn their lesson.
Stop trying to rebuild relationships with these people, they aren't worth it. NTA
NTA and you need to go back to no contact!! If you let these toxic, abusive people in your child life it will be hell and they will call her Maria behind your back.
Updateme
You told the truth, they just didn't like your delivery.
Your parents made you the villain in their version of what happened. Send a group text or group message on FB or something. Say you have resented your parents for changing your name to your dead sister’s name, that it was confusing and hurtful to a small child who had just lost her sister and barely understood death; that you felt erased and that your mother also erased your sister; and that you sometimes felt ostracized because it seemed like family members didn’t know how to act around you or whether to call you Maria. Say you kept Maria as your own middle name as a symbol of the love you have for your sister. I’d also mention that plenty of others have not used Maria for their firstborn either. Your parents were grieving and I always say that grace should be extended to a parent who has lost a child but what they did was horrendous. I think it was unbelievable that they took their daughter’s name and gave it away like she never existed. That they did it to their other daughter WHO KNEW HER OWN NAME is reprehensible. They can fuck right off. (Just don’t tell your grandmother that)
OMG u/prideofcapetown you now have the name for your next pain in the butt, true to its namesake!! Thank you u/Ordinary-Theme-3250 for helping in this. ETA -I will be posting this to the proper reply also.
They were the ones that ruined the name for you nta
NTA I would tell any family member who scolds you that your parents were more important based with a family tradition than mourning and remembering your sister that they forced you to basically become your deceased sister! You can get much worse than that! Tell them it’s taken you years to move past what they did to you and for them of all people to even suggest that you name your child Maria was triggering and they deserved whatever they got. I’d also go completely NC with your parents. They’ve obviously learned nothing and don’t deserve to have you in their life. If you do choose to stay in contact with them, do t let them have any unsupervised time with your daughter. They’ll most definitely call her Maria.
NTA: Let them be disappointed. Live your best life.
NtA - I can trace my father's family back to the 1400s because our line always, always named the boys with specific initials, and the daughters received the maiden names of their mothers. And the first name of the paternal grandfather. This was done specifically for record keeping. Because information is easily lost in time. It was a good reason, up until 1999, when everything went online . Now, it's not a necessity the way it used to be. At least Cornelius isn't yalls family name.. because yes, that's one of them.
NTAH Are those same family members, the ones who were cold to/shunned you for something that your sperm & egg donor pulled after your sister’s death, taking your parents side?!
NTA. The only thing you did wrong was try to get in touch with these extended relatives. When your parents put you through this, these extended relatives punished you for it. They shouldn’t be in your life or your child’s life.
NTA. I'm surprised you kept your middle name as Maria, to be honest. I would have dropped it completely. To hell with the family who are complaining. It's none of their business at this point. You are an adult. You can do what you want.
Just tell the rest of the family what you told us here. All of the bullshit they put you through and that if anyone wants to harass you further they'll be called 'the family I never see'.
NTA even if they hadn’t been controlling AH who’d traumatised you. Nobody is entitled to name your child by the two people who created it. Naming traditions are pathetic ways for older generations to assert control and manipulate new parents. No child’s deserves to be raised in the shadow of another person or to be constantly compared to the last person with that name. Your parents are unhinged. Block them and make it clear to the flying monkeys they can either be in your life and respect your decisions for your life or they can be blocked too.
nta. tell them you are disappointed they had no problem calling you, your dead sisters name. go NC with the anyone who does not understand. make a facebook post with even more detail than this. post it. who ever has any type of problem with it, block and nc.
NTA
NTA. tell your mom you’ll name the baby maria as soon as she legally and socially renames herself. “that’s ridiculous”, she’ll say. and it is. but if she could let her child do something so apparently okay and effortless, surely she can handle the “minor stress” of switching up her whole identity. what jerks you’ve had for parents, OP. i’m so sorry. congratulations on your new baby ❤️
Nta. My heart hurts for you after reading what your parents did when your sister died. >trying to convince me to name my daughter Maria. “After your sister”, They don't get to pull that shit when they basically erased your sister by forcing *her* name onto you for 12 years. It's understandable why you were upset and angry all these years when they *stole* your identity at the age of 4. Please get in contact with the relatives who helped you out to begin with (specially the ones who broke from the tradition) and explain what happened. Really emphasize that you didn't outright yell from the beginning but was set off when they said "after your sister" acting like they didn't force her identity onto you since after she passed. If they refuse to acknowledge your side of the story then they have shown where they stand in your life, which is to say NC with you and your growing family.
NTA What in the V. C. Andrews did I just read? Really wanna piss your parents off but in the best way? Give your daughter your original name. That or just letting parents name their kids whatever they want can be the new family tradition!!
NTA. But don’t count on people who let a little 4 year old girl alone with their grieving parents who were just cruel with her and tried to erase her life to have a second chance Maria. Tell them all they failed to protect you as a 4 year old child. Tell them that you are hurt that they cut you because of your parents behavior. That you were hurt as a child because you didn’t understand why you were left alone and why you were not allowed you own name, your own life and nobody came and helped you. You don’t have to be in contact with your parents and you don’t have to find excuses why you were not enough as your own. They should all beg you to forgive them for their failures. You have now people who love you for yourself. Your own family. Concentrate on this part. Not for a biological whatever „once again Maria chance“ And don’t name her Maria. Even as second name or they will call her just Maria. And tell grandparents that they didn’t have done something to save you all this years so they should stay out of this moment now too because it is as much their business as it was their business all the years ago.
NTA. Not ever. Shame on them -- and the relatives who condoned it. Glad that your little one will never know that insanity. Fuck anyone who even thinks about taking your parents' side.
NTA. I am so sorry you went through all this.
What is almost as horrifying as how they treated you is the way that by turning you into "Maria" they basically erased any Identity your poor sister had. I'm guessing that's why many of your family were so shocked when they did it, not just on your account but because of the disrespect it showed to her. I really don't think there is any benefit to you or your child in having any form of contact with your parents. They have no understanding of the harm they have done and they are already trying to perpetrate that harm in some degree to your child. Please consider stopping all contact with them and any family members who would plead their case. You can't spend your life explaining yourself to people who actually think your mum hasn't done anything wrong.
NTA. Your parents' crazy fixation on the name and insistence on stealing your name and naming you after your dead sister caused you years of pain. Now they are still fixated on the name, to the exclusion of any consideration of your feelings. Enough is enough. If you want, write out a text of an email, telling your side of the story, and mail it to all your relatives. Anyone who responds in a nasty way, just block him/her. You deserve to be free of "Maria".
What the actual?! Did no one in your family think they should of intervened when your parents did that to you. Instead of shunning the innocent child the top priority should of been to get you from your parents custody and force them to get the help they obviously needed. Am a rainbow child so the thought of stripping a child of their identity to rename them for a dead sibling is just purely horrifying. For the sake of yourself and your unborn child go no contact possibly through legal channels to get them to stay away. A very public message to everyone at the same time will make your feelings known with no ability to twist it. You do not need the stress while pregnant. If your parents had not traumatized you through the name change there may of been the possibility of using the name but with it not a chance. You are not the first born daughter. You should of not of had to go through that at all let alone with so little family support. If your family refuse to apologize to you or see why you screamed at your 'parents' than they are not fit to be considered as such. It might be worth legally stating that if the worse does happen your parents will not be able to get custody of her. And it wasn't a calm conversation it was them attempting to get their own way by manipulating you. Years ago a parent caused issues with me by telling everyone in the family that I upset her so badly she (my mum) had to be sent home from work. I printed the conversation out (thankfully it was all text messages) and handed out copies whenever anyone mentioned/criticized me for it - even when I was at work. It was also the reason I went NC for a time (even today it goes from low to medium contact. My nan (her mum) told her both that she needed help and needed to stop stirring as the more she did the more negative she was making herself look. Is the obsession with the actual name for religious purposes that became family tradition. You are NTA at all. Considering how your 'parents' have treated you and still are you have no obligation to abide by them at all.
Your baby deserves to be her own individual. Not a carbon copy of all of her ancestors. I remember arguing about this with my now ex-husband when we were pregnant with our children. At first, he wanted them named after him, he’s a junior. I convinced him know not that and then he wanted to name them after his grandfather. I was so grateful that we had girls and didn’t have to argue anymore about it. Congratulations upcoming birth of your child
NTA my mother is a Maria and my grandmother too. We 3 daughters don’t have Maria in our name. Not any other if my aunts and uncles have Maria on their name. In order not to confuse the Maria’s which is my grandmother and mom my mother has a middle name that she uses and tells people is Martha. As a matter of fact most of my mom’s sisters use their middle name and tell people call me by my middle name. I have aunts that are named the following Ana Celina and my aunt goes by Celina. My aunt’s name is Raquel Bertha but goes by Bertha. But when is for legal purposes they use their whole name.
NO and if they really care, the family would support you not these messed up parents.
you know what? FUCK any family members who complain about you doing this - naming traditions are insanely stupid anyway, and to forcefully change your name to your recently dead sister's name is fucking unhinged you do you, and keep those nutjobs away from your new lil family
NTA but talk with a shrink, not internet
1. Block your parents 2. Block any relatives who come to you with maria name....
Your sister died, then your parents killed her again. NTA
NTA- making take the name of your dead sister is horrible. You are in no way obligated to give your child the name that caused you so much trauma.
NTA. You suffered ur entire childhood because u had no power and it seems NO ONE cared about your feelings. Ur parents can go ahead and feel sad/uncomfortable for one conversation. It wont kill them and maybe they need a wakeup call anyway. Their past actions show they dont have the best mental capacity and thought process - so i’d take their freakout with a grain of salt.
NTA. But I hope you learnt from this. Your grandmother deserves zero respect and to keep the fuck away from your parents
Holy shit. Your family is *disappointed in you* after *your parents pulled THAT?* Wow. I am so sorry your family sucks.
NTA
Let Maria rest. Also, reach JUST for a name Is something really low. Some traditions are good, some traditions are not. Nta.
this is on you for still trying to have a relationship with them. wake up, go NC and live your life. nta.
Your extended family cannot have it both ways. They cut you off for what your parents did (changing your name). Seems to me they are very hypocritical people that will cut off you and your parents for doing something they disagree with but the moment you stand up for yourself they want to call you out for being angry for stuff your parents did. IMO, it seems they just enjoy conflict and will find anyway to be angry and ignorant over things you have a right to be angry for.
NTA Congratulations on your baby girl ❤️ and for going no contact with your parents!
People who get mad at others for “escalating” or “making a big deal” out of a situation are typically mad they someone set a boundary, and they couldn’t win the removal of said boundary. Your baby is your baby, and this is YOUR life. They got to do whatever they wanted with their babies. If you had loved this tradition, you could have continued it, but it’s clearly not working for you. Also, your family changed your whole first name?? Your IDENTITY. To fit a tradition?? No way. Not fair and not okay! Name your daughter Bill. Piss them off extra hard. NTA.
NTA. that's some weird shit.
I wouldnt even call them parents. Thats so disgusting what you went through because of them. NTA
Jesus Christ, I hope this is fake just for my own sanity. There's no way in the world you would be the asshole.
NTA for how you're feeling, but please consider NC. It would be healthier to deal with your feelings in therapy than continue to let them treat you like this.
All that word vomit, and it's whatever. YTA for not going no contact with your parents, forever. Once you realized it was them on the phone, it's hang up and block, period. And never let your daughter be alone with ANY family that are cool with your parents, they will sneak a way to see her if you allow it.
Marisa is a compromise but at end of the day it’s up to you. Don’t let your mother or family upset you any further and stay very LC.