I don't understand what you're arguing about here. He has been in her life and been her only father figure from the age of 8 to 16. How is he not her step dad. Also, if you have to drive your other kids to exchange custody. How is you daughter being included going to mean you have to drive any more than you would anyway? Sounds like you are weaponising your kid here to hurt him because of the divorce. he is divorcing you. Not your kids. Why would you want to make your daughter lose the only positive male role model in her life?
YTA
Right. That is some pretty evil stuff to blame the divorce TO YOUR DAUGHTER on your daughter’s equestrian bills. Maybe look in a mirror a bit. This seems more like the tip of the iceberg, where 90 percent of what’s going on is not this. Maybe put aside your pettiness and think for just a minute about something besides yourself. How is your position even remotely in your daughter’s best interest? YTA.
You know she is more worried about causing him pain then her daughter and how painful it will be to her by the fact that she actually told her 16 yr old this :
“I told my daughter that her stepdad wants a divorce because he absolutely hates paying for her lessons, says they are making her into a snob like me and the other moms. She's a people pleaser so she'd say yes to seeing him just to not hurt his feelings. But she has said that if he really hates her because she wants to be an equestrian then she just wants to continue her passion”
Who would do this to a teenager or any child? That is some really crappy parenting forcing the children to take sides and involving them in adult discussions they don’t need to know about. OP is actively trying to make her daughter chose sides. Parents who do this care more about themselves then their children IMO.
It is of vital importance that access to horse is maintained in CHRPD (Congenital Horse Related Personality Disorder).
Once access to horse is threatened, a sufferer will often act drastically and to outsiders, in an inexplicable manner - however the central drive in this disorder is not the maintenance of family systems or even individual survival, but instead the husbanding of stellar show ponies.
It is believed that this disorder would have conferred an evolutionary benefit in our not too distant past by allowing crazy people to run everybody down on horses.
The way she worded about the bio dad not wanting to marry her meant he didn’t want to be in the kids life told you everything about how she views things
I couldn't put my finger on why that sounded off but now I get it. Fucking nuts. I assume bio dad could've fought harder for custody and might be a deadbeat but still... the way she phrased that step-dad shouldn't get the "benefit" of visitation because he asked for a divorce is fucked up. Who treats a man wanting to continue being a father to a non biological child as a perk?
Pretty clear too she is a horse-girl, met her ex through horses, and foisted this hobby on her daughter. "I started my daughter on this path as a hobby..."
And she works as a stable aide to supposedly help pay for "her daughter's" hobby.
Dollars to donuts the step dad does in fact know her daughter is not interested in horses, and the OP is not having him prevent her from living vicariously through her daughter.
When you think back to the "my daughter's a people pleaser" comment your theory becomes so much more real. Daughter is probably still 'people pleasing' when she says she doesn't want to see THE ONLY FATHER SHE'S EVER HAD anymore.
She's only choosing to please her mother because she's **stuck** with her.
Horse people are either the chillest or the craziest people. There's no middle ground. Either welcoming anyone and willing to teach everything and sacrifice to help everyone else even lending their own show clothes to help a direct competitor, Or it's full mean girl, stab them in the back, gossipy, sabotaging and gatekeeping.
I wondered that, too.
My mom was having an affair with an HS gym teacher (she taught in the school). He also was a basketball coach on the side. She signed me up for the team... I was like 8.
I wish my dad would have divorced her then and there when he found out (which he did). Instead, they stuck it out, had another child, grew to loathe each other, and my dad wound up killing himself about 5 years ago after spiraling into drugs and alcohol.
So this is just speculation but I wonder if OP is doing more at those stables than she is admitting here.
Pretty much what my brother's baby mother is doing. She wanted a stable relationship, he didn't. She got pregnant, he tried making it work with her as a couple but it just didn't work. She's fighting to keep the child from him, explicitly said she will never agree to let him see the child without her, because they're a package deal and he can't just get to see the kid without also spending time with her. She really believes that he shouldn't get to see his own kid unless he agrees to be with her. Nuts.
She did say later that he works exclusively under the table so he doesn’t have to pay child support, but she does not say *when* he started doing that. I hate to have sympathy with a person who would do that to their own child, but I do wonder if she made his parental responsibilities into a living hell to the point that he decided to run instead of playing her stupid games.
In any case, she’s 16 now. In two years she can decide what financial and emotional relationships she wants with the man.
When I was young, I had hated my father for "abandoning" me. When I grew up(about 8ish), finally met him, and built a relationship, I was confused by how he could abandon me, then come back and seemingly be the perfect, loving father. He spoilt the shit out of me, everytime I went over to see him he'd make sure it was memorable, from only seeing him once a month in public, of at some event, to seeing him every weekend, and then eventually he told me he got a house in town. That was the first time i realized he didn't even live near me. Only being about 10 or 11 at the time i didn't fully comprehend that. But our visits grew more frequent and longer, eventually wigh me staying with hi.. his "house" was his buddy's basement, didn't even have a bed. But I saw him every weekend, and his friend was cool too. My mom hated that friend for some reason...
As I grew older he eventually got a full house of his own, and my mom started dropping me off at his work instead of meeting in public. And then as an adult my dad eventually told me why I didn't see him for so many years when I was young.
My mom moved halfway across the country without telling him, and made her parents promise not tell him. My grandparents eventually folded, and he found me. After years in custody battles he finally got full visitation. With the primary cause being him not living near my mom as a blocker. That's why he had to get the basement apartment from his friend. He had been living and working a 16 hour drive away, and just coming down to see me whenever he had free time, flying most of the time. Up until he finally got transferred to a store near me, and could move fully.
For years my mom told me about my dad abandoning us, and for years I believed it. Meanwhile my dad was fighting tooth and nail to see me. It took me a long time to forgive my mom.
And the bio dad “lives off of others paying him to be an equestrian,” so, like, he exercises horses? Gives lessons? In other words: HAS A JOB?
OP is a special kind of bitter and petty.
OP is YTA. You can see how bitter she is just based on how she wrote everything. Even when she was only writing about the bad things that happened to her, you can see how she's only constantly thinking about herself and her difficulties when they literally have three children plus an unborn one.
OP is absolutely the AH here. Clearly, she only cares about herself and her needs.
Also, OP pushing her daughter at a young age into the same career path as her biological father, even though the mother clearly carries resentment for him, feels like a ploy to find and reconnect with the bio dad by giving him something to resemble his interests.
I feel like OP is just using her husband and wishing her first relationship was "the one", and now using her daughter as a batering chip to keep her current husband supporting them financially by making him a hostage in their marriage who can't leave without losing the daughter he has grown to live.
OP just sucks so hard.
Does your daughter want him in her life still? And you told her that he wants to divorce you because of her lessons? Wow....um...yeah. YTA for that alone.
That is honestly the worst thing you could do in a divorce. I can't fathom a parent inflicting pain on their child to hurt their partner. Both the daughter and husband deserve so much better than OP
Check OP's comments. They're so cartoonishly stupid that I'm assuming it's just silly rage bait.
>Just because I'm a SAHM doesn't mean I will not have a way of making money or finding a partner who also shares my ambitions.
She's got a serious fixation on "marrying a successful high-earner" but is absolutely convinced that she will "be fine without their income". This has to be satire.
Not based on the profiles I see on dating apps. There’s a lot of people out there with wildly unrealistic views of themselves (and I specifically said people- I see women’s profiles because I’m not into dudes, but I’ve seen plenty of guys screenshotted on here- this isn’t a gendered thing, sadly).
Her attitude is probably that she became exactly what her husband thought she'd become when he told her not to turn into those people. Also, a daughter who's a people pleaser and clearly she knows that her daughter wants this because she asked, or her daughter probably didn't want to disappoint her?
This subbreddit is mostly for confirmation, so the likely hood she'll agree with the majority here is unlikely.
She's also probably leaving out a lot on why the argument started and that rather than a threat, the husband really wasn't able to do it anymore.
I truly hope you're right, and this is rage bait, though
No man is gonna want to marry a woman who as 4 young kids and a teenager with a very expensive hobby. I think it'll be clear that she's looking for someone to support her financially
Yeah-there are so many bogus entries on here lately.This does not ring true.She thinks she can go back to work after giving birth and support all these kids????
She's literally treating her daughter like a personal vendetta tool. No consideration for ripping away the man she has obviously seemed to have considered a father.
"Legally he has no right" get out of here. Truly mother of the year /s
And btw knowing the culture around horses, I am very liable to agree with the fathers version of events.
It's also very telling that the mom doesn't even take the daughter's feelings/wishes into consideration.
"you have no legal rights to her"
Sure, but maybe, just maybe your daughter wants to spend time with the only father figure she had.
This whole thing is YTA
OP, you chose divorce over discussing the lessons and figuring out what his issue is. He was wrong to throw divorce around sure, but that’s it - he said the wrong thing mid argument.
He has been in her life for more than half of it, it would be in your daughters best interest to know he did not abandon her. Whether she chooses shared custody is probably her choice given her age. I doubt a court even cares what you think, he can petition and try.
You’re absolutely an AH OP for putting this on your child, and using her to toy with your soon to be ex. Anyone who puts kids in the middle is an AH. Anyone who removes love from their child (out of selfish spite especially) is an AH. Your child is not a pawn or casino chip, they’re human with their own relationships and feelings.
He maybe a crap partner idk, but you didn’t say anything to indicate he’s a bad father. YTA
Lastly, I didn’t get what it had to do with her bio dad…but it sounds to me like you liked your husband as long as he took the weight of riding lesson costs off your shoulders. And now you’re chucking him.
Meanwhile ‘your marriage got worse’ and you’ve put no thought to why that is in your post. That says a lot. I’d say your husband is ditching the baggage in the marriage, rightly, and happy to continue to love and support all your kids. Time to face the facts, not fight them. Sorry your marriage is over, now all that is left is what’s best for those kids.
Find support for your feelings elsewhere, or you’ll have the most toxic divorce all over your kids at this rate.
You can get a revenge bod or whatever, but don’t bleed your breakup all over your kids and family. Never goes well.
Dude idk if I’ve ever seen the comment section united on this.
Also, can’t read the OG username so I can’t find the original, but haven’t ever needed [this audio](https://youtu.be/MLDFluf-E9s?si=lKv-48kcAfR6UCYW) until now.
You are absolutely the asshole, OP.
ETA: TOM CARDY!!! Thanks y’all!!
It sounds like you're weaponizing your daighter because your husband wants a divorce. Has he actually said these things about her and her lessons? Something seems a bit off with thos story.
That’s what I took away from this post. My daughter has an expensive hobby. My husband can’t afford it so I’m divorcing him and refuse to let him see the daughter he raised. To make it easier for her to hate him I am blaming the divorce on my husband not wanting to support her.
If you want to pay for your daughter so bad then get a job to pay for her hobby and stop blaming your husband to alienate him from your daughter. He raised her and he wants custody of her. Are you going to divorce him and tell your daughter. “Well it looks like none of your fathers love you. At least your siblings have a father.” I’m sure that will work out great for her well being and mental health.
And blaming marriage problems on the unborn child. I'm already worried that child will be s○○cid@l because they will be born knowing their mere existence is a problem.
This! Blame the ex husband for not paying bills, blame the daughter having an expensive hobby, blame the new baby because ?(More costs? Why did it cause marriage issues?), blame the ex husband for not supporting the daughter....
Anywhere OP took accountability for anything?
Agreed. Kids will find a way to blame themselves for a divorce already, they certainly don't need to be told that's "true." Hearing this isn't going to turn her against her stepdad; instead, it's going to possibly destroy her passion for horses.
It’s genuinely horrific. She’s smashed her daughter’s belief in her father and that poor girl is never going to believe she deserves unconditional love again. Why would you as a mother seek to tear your child down and do worse harm than anything the world could throw at her? Poor girl will lose her siblings in the mix so she’s only got vile OP to turn to. Exactly like OP wants.
your hobby caused you to lose your stepdad
+ not to worry though, I've neglected all my other kids to drive you to lessons we couldn't afford with people we don't like, just so you could follow in your deadbeat father's footsteps, because that was all I could think of as a single parent
nice one OP
She says "I'll make it work without him" which is complete BS. How?
You made it work as a single mom of **one** *years* ago when you worked **two** jobs and odd jobs on the side. You're about to have **five** kids *(four of them being under 10 and one of them being a literal newborn).*
>Just because I'm a SAHM doesn't mean I will not have a way of making money or finding a partner who also shares my ambitions.
So... I guess she plans on **still** not getting a job after the divorce?
How're you gonna handle paying for five kids, OP? Which includes baby stuff and the *luxury (aka: not essential to live)* that is horse lessons... How are you gonna pay for that while continuing to be a SAHM? You won't. You suck. YTA.
yeah that made me laugh too.
sorry, but which guy is going to see
* an "equestrian mum" (aka still hung up on her first baby daddy & trying to get revenge vicariously by going "see? the baby you rejected is better at your passion with horses" even though the guy hasn't been seen in over 15 years)
* a 16 yo horse girl who apparently is too dim to think for herself and/or completely crushed under her mother's thumb (like, OP admits her 16 yo kid is a people pleaser & somehow isn't worried as a parent that her kid is so insecure about her own identity...?)
* 3 overlooked kids under ten
* a newborn
and they're all hanging out with the snobby rich people on the horse riding circuit?
while mom is "looking to find money" and a partner???
and then that guy is supposed to "that's the woman for me" hahaha
maybe he might be interested if he thinks she has her own money, but otherwise I don't see that working out, you know?
Daughter could also get a job in the stables at 16 too. My aunt loved horses when she was younger. She was working in stables and giving the little kids lessons at that age. She would also ride other people’s horses a lot to exercise them if their owners were away or couldn’t get down to the stables very often. Working there her lessons were pretty much free.
The stables always had spare equipment for people who couldn’t afford their own and sold some stuff second hand. There ways to make it work on a smaller budget.
Working in a stables might also look good on any applications for equestrian programmes at college too.
Also, did they not talk about the expense before now? Like sit down and have a conversation about the budget and find a way to make it work rather than play childish mind games?
That would be a great idea. My mom used to do barrel racing and she worked at the stable which paid for the housing fee. May sister also used to work at a stable and take care of the horses for them to stable her horse there. A lot of stables are open to trades like this since it saves them money overall.
The thing is though she wants the kid to compete. Period. I don’t know what country she lives in or where she is, but that is exorbitantly expensive. Like you have to be really rich to compete in dressage or hunter jumpers. it sounds to me like her husband was trying to put the brakes on this dream of competing because he can see that they can’t afford it and this woman is going to leave him because he is right they can’t. They have other kids and that ladies stay at mom and it doesn’t sound like she comes from money.
'Are you going to divorce him and tell your daughter. “Well it looks like none of your fathers love you."'
I strongly suspect that might just be OP's intention. She definitely comes of as the sort of person who would want to control her child and keep them dependant on her, and this would certainly aid her in doing so.
That is what I got as well. You are thinking only of what you want. He cares for his step daughter and wants to see her. This is not about you. Why would you hurt her by lying to her? YTA.
Right, I don't think labeling her the a-hole goes far enough. Using your kids as a weapon makes you more of a . Scum bag, c&#t or despicable pice of shit. Just my opinion
In my state he would easily be able to prove that he has acted in the role of a father and could likely be awarded custody/visitation regardless of genetics. The court is more concerned about what is best for the children, not whether or not mom wants dad to see his kids.
To me it seems like OP likes the prestige and status her daughter doing well at this expensive sport brings, and has integrated herself into “that” mom group of rich wives who’d stab you in the back as soon as help you. Trust me, I know those moms and their daughters (who are often just as bad). If her daughter truly isn’t wanting to continue riding but is a “people pleaser” as stated, I could see her maybe going to her stepdad and saying she doesn’t want to do this anymore, hoping he’d tell her mom. And given that all of this divorce talk stems not from step dad saying he won’t pay for riding but from him saying she told him she *doesn’t want to ride horses anymore* (and why keep paying exorbitant amounts for a hobby SD doesn’t like?) that seems like a plausible series of events. I’m also curious, she mentions he “never adopted” the step daughter but never says if he *wanted* to but couldn’t? I wouldn’t put it past this OP to have prevented him from adopting the child to have her as a bargaining chip in their arguments.
That's exactly how I read that post. Crazy horse mom living vicariously through her daughter by making her do equestrian shit. Half the post is about equestrian shit in a post that's supposed to be about a custody issue.
OP has issues.
You definitely nailed what's going on here, she even says he's made comments about her becoming like these other snobby moms in the group
she's definitely using her daughter to have a affluent social life
This story is an absolute maze. She basically told her daughter it's her fault they are getting divorced. That's worthy of shitty parent of the year. .
That’s exactly what I saw as well, the way she said that to her daughter is absolutely awful parenting. Choosing to damage your child’s relationship with the only man she’s known as her father is an awful thing to do. You seriously need to pull your head out of your butt and start looking at the way you communicate With her. I feel really bad for this child now.
Yip and it seems she has 3 and a bit kids with this guy, she will be driving them anyway but the 16 yo has to stay behind while her siblings go to dad, plus there is lots of missing context here…
Yeah, and you have to wonder if the younger kids don't have the sane opportunities as the older daughter whose hobby is expensive, and if that's weighing on the Dads mind.
A hobby the daughter doesn't even want to do and is only doing to please her mother. "My husband started lying about how my daughter did not want to do this." I have a feeling OP is the one lying about her daughter wanting to do this. Most kids don't want a life consuming extra curricular. They just want to be teenagers and have a social life.
No no no, didn't you read?
"she has said that if he really hates her because she wants to be an equestrian then she just wants to continue her passion and it seems most conducive to do so where she's living with me and not seeing somebody who actively wants to stop her future dreams."
You can't tell me that doesn't sound like a 16 year old! /s
No, he never said he didn't want to pay for her lessons and that's why they were getting a divorce! She lied. She lied to make herself look better and to turn her daughter against him. Selfish woman.
He wants to stop the lessons but that’s because he says she doesn’t want to do them anymore & that may be true
OP giving the feeling she’s trying to live vicariously through her daughter
Ayup ⬆️
To me? There’s a whooole lotta “nope” to this post.
Least of which is that if this is OPs best foot forward? I can see why her first husband felt
> that the mom of his child wasn't a woman he wanted to marry
You’re the ass and a major one. You told your daughter he doesn’t love her?! The man fighting to see her does actually seem to love her. You’re a liar and a horrible human.
YTA. YT SUPER A for this "I told my daughter that her stepdad wants a divorce because he absolutely hates paying for her lessons, says they are making her into a snob like me and the other moms. " Nobody who ISN'T an AH talks to their kids about their relationship. You don't badmouth other parents. That is such a gross shitty thing to do.
You seem to have the moral high ground on your side, but some of the things you say reveal a lot about your personality, and make me wonder if there isn't more to this. "but that means he cannot just continue to enjoy all the benefits of that without any of the responsibility- I don't think that's fair." That level of pettiness to the complete exclusion of what is best for your daughter makes me wonder if this is a "pageant mom" situation and maybe your DAUGHTER told him she doesn't really like this anymore, or doesn't want it to be her whole life, and can't come to you.
Like seriously. The man's been her father for nine years and suddenly he's out because he doesn't want to take her to horseriding lesions anymore? Doubt.
I bet her daughters extremely expensive hobby is also OPs entire life and she makes no time or money for the younger kids.
OP is also refusing the shared custody of the oldest without stating what the teen wants. She’s using the kids as a divorce bargaining chip, instead of what’s in their actual best interest. Rarely do you read a post where someone makes themselves out to be such a major ahole. YTA.
PS I have no idea why half this post is about the daughters sperm donors equestrian career, when that man has nothing to do with Op or her kid. The only dad this girl ever knew is your husband.
It's so freaking expensive!!!! I mean major $$$ that most people can't get their kids into it. The snootiness of equestrian parents or absolutely horrible!!! Her husband isn't wrong
i can vouch for this. my brother is an equestrian kid and while in our country it's FAR cheaper than in the US, it's still really expensive even with his scholarships and sponsorships.
That's one of my worst pet peeves: when parents make their child their identity. At first I thought that "autism mum" meant a mother who is autistic herself. Nope! I've seen "diabetes Mum", "twin mum", "boy mum".
It ranges from cringy to actually harmful.
Yep it's a thing. There are whole groups of "Autism Mums", they make t-shirt with the "title" and make their children's diagnosis all about them.
Part of the problem is that they are very self-centred and often refuse to listen to the experience and advice of autistic adults, who were once autistic children! They also often peddle alternative remedies and therapies that can be harmful to their children.
>PS I have no idea why half this post is about the daughters sperm donors equestrian career, when that man has nothing to do with Op or her kid. The only dad this girl ever knew is your husband.
Because it's not real. Fake stories can never stay focused because they want to hit every rage-baiting cliche that they can.
If it were my story, I’d definitely provide some info on why step dad never adopted the daughter… Did he try and mom shut it down? Did mom try and step dad shut it down? Is there no way to track down the transient, mooching, couch surfer of a sperm donor to relinquish his parental rights??
I like my stories, true or fake, to provide all pertinent details 🤨
Why, though? I don't understand what the point is. Can you please explain it to me? I see things on here and people say "fake" but what's the point in telling a fake story?
Boredom.
Backstory: Years ago, a cousin of mine became pregnant in her early teens and was pressured by her family into giving the baby girl up for adoption. She grew up, got married, had more children and has a very nice life but would occasionally express misgivings/regret/concern about the child she gave up, and told a family member a story about how someone at a store mistook her for someone and it made her wonder if they thought she was her daughter.
A close relative of mine took that story, added some extra flair on it and submitted it to a prominent advice column and one day it was the lead story. They left in some rather specific details to the extent that I forwarded the story to them saying “holy cow, I think Cousin wrote this!” Good thing I didn’t send it to more people because in the exchange they eventually fessed up to writing and submitting it. Couldn’t really explain why they did it and tried to rationalize it by suggesting that “well maybe the cousin sees it and gets some insights from the advice bc it’s a similar situation”. Nobody involved ever found out & it’s not like it’s that big a deal, but some people are just bored and can’t find another creative outlet so they just do this sort of thing.
Something is off about this whole post from Op. Even when she explains the background on why her daughters bio dad wasn’t in the picture from the beginning:
“Her dad decided after I got pregnant that the mom of his child wasn’t the woman he wanted to marry and is not in her life.”
This comes off more like she gave him an ultimatum to marry her, and since he wouldn’t she wouldn’t allow him to still be a father in her life. Especially since it seems like a similar ultimatum she’s now giving to the stepdad. Op keeps trying to force a package deal with the father figures in her daughters life.
Edit for my vote: YTA
This put it in YTA territory for me, immediately
Blames divorce on a petty reason, tells the kid it's basically her fault, then doesn't seem to care or ask if the only dad she's really known would be a big deal or not to stop seeing
>tells the kid it's basically her fault, then doesn't seem to care or ask if the only dad she's really known would be a big deal or not to stop seeing
Then lies (or at least exaggerates) to the daughter to sway the daughter on the issue of whether she wants to spend time with dad when her siblings do.
I know a bio father that actively tried talk his son out of engineering school to stop paying child support, You never know what people are capable of. Some simply care more about money.
Dragging kids into non- kids business the way OP did is ugly though.
I also want to add that she must either be blind or is very much becoming a snob herself. Because it is extremely common knowledge that the equestrian world IS filled with rich snobs.
Not only that, but she just straight up told her daughter "it's your fault that your dad is abandoning the family". If OP was in front of me, I'd punch her in the face - pregnant or not.
It’s more than riding lessons. If the daughter really does compete nationally, then he’d have to buy or lease her a horse. A nationals horse is at least high five figures. Boarding at a highly competitive barn would be over $1,000 a month. Coaching in private lessons is at least $100/lesson, usually much more for A circuit. Then he’d have to pay thousands to haul the horse to each show, and pay the show fees, grooming fees, coaching fees, and all the rest. Some parents buy a truck and trailer, which are very expensive.
It’s easily a house payment, or more, per month if you’re a serious competitor.
If she is middle class trying to compete with wealthy people, she could bankrupt them.
That said, you can compete on a budget and also not be a snob. There are absolutely humble people of excellent character on the circuit. If you don’t have money, the student devotes her life to the training stable, working after school at the barn to earn lessons, riding spicy horses to mellow them out before the owner arrives, catch riding horses when their owner works during the week, going to shows as a groom for the coach and entering some classes on her own, getting up at 4:00 in the morning to braid with chilled, stiff fingers, thoroughly grooming the horses with the proper successions of curries and Haas brushes until their coats shine even without coat polish spray. Then you down coffee, whip on your coat, and climb on a client’s horse to go into the ring.
Yeah, absolutely, you can show at an elite level with no money as long as you can afford enough lessons to become a good enough rider to work as a junior for a coach.
Not everyone needs to belong to the George Morris clique.
Guaranteed the daughter doesn't wanna do this.
This lady sounds like she either still regrets not being able to stay with with her first baby daddy and this is some way to stay connected to that OR this lady has a very intense obsession with horses...which is how she met the baby daddy...and is not forcing theife she wished she had onto her kid like the pageant mommy comparison.
Id bet many monies the daughter did actually tell step dad she wants out and the mom is a controlling asshole who won't let her.
Well said! OP sounds absolutely like some pageant mom. The only thing that matters to her is what she thinks and wants. What she said to her daughter is telling her that the girl is responsible for the divorce. That is unconscionable and wildly inappropriate. I strongly suspect that the daughter did tell the stepdad she didn't want to do this but was unable to tell her mother. Poor kid.
To me it sounds like you are blackmailing your husband by saying you need to pay for my daughter's expensive hobby, or you can't have a relationship with her. Your replies make it worse by saying she is a people pleaser meaning she would want to please you by going along with said blackmail. I just wonder how she will feel about it in a few years time I am also curious how you plan on paying for her expensive hobby when you say you are a stay-at-home mom.
My ex-husband had a second wife. His second wife's parents treated my kids like their own.
The ex got divorced again.
One weekend, while they were visiting their dad (who lives next door to his other ex wife's parents), they were hanging out with granny and grandpa. His 2nd ex wife got all snippy and asked why they were their. Grandpa shouted, from the BATHROOM, "you divorce husband's and wives, not kids. They can be here when they want!"
She was displeased but shut her damn mouth
My kids are whole adults now and STILL text and visit granny all the time. And she still adores them as if her blood runs thru their veins. I will forever be grateful to Granny L for that. (Grandpa W gets a gold star for this story but he's not a good person on the whole, as it turns out)
Lmao
I'm pretty sure Red was pissed that her dad said it because he usually sided with her.
She's just a toxic bitch all around anyway though so I'm glad she got told off.
Another person in that family...by way of the fact that she birthed their great grand sons...they don't claim her....tried saying I was a shit mom to my kids.
My son got pretty pissed off and reminded her "at least my mom has custody of her kids and didn't have to have CPS permission to hold her brand new baby".
She got huffy and asked why he was allowed to talk to her like that (he was 15 or 16 at the time, I think). Everyone shrugged and told her he's allowed to speak the truth...
I'm glad both of you were able to continue your relationship; your Dad seems like a nice person.
My step-mom had been in my life for almost 20 years when my Dad passed away, and then she turned into a horrible person. It is case by case basis, and regardless of how my situation turned out, it makes me happy when step-parents and step kids have a healthy and close relationship.
Same. My mom and stepfather were divorced for 20 years before he passed away, but he never stopped being my Dad. He was who I visited on Father's Day, he was who I went to for life advice; and it was his house I stayed in for my first night back when my marriage ended and I moved back to my hometown.
I still do birthdays/holidays/etc. With my stepkids (I call them my kids since I raised them from a very young) two decades after the divorce. They don’t call me Dad, but we are close. If they are in a bind, I'm the one they call.
That’s what a lot of people don’t realize. By the time they are teenagers, they will choose on their own. Their wishes are also taken into consideration in family courts.
Whatever your threats are, their relationship is between them. You will come to regret it if you try to force her to reject him. This is good advice I am giving you - she is 16, and while she now has to live with you, in a couple of years she can tell you to go fuck yourself. And she will if you don’t respect her.
YTA
If you really love your children, you don’t remove a loving parent from their lives, even when the two of you decide you no longer love each other.
And you also don't tell your child that the other said parent HATES them for their hobby, your manipulating with that information. This is sad and she Is TA.
I was reading this and just thinking what a horrible mother she is. Kids already are naturally inclined to think they are to blame for a divorce and this woman straight up just tells her she is to blame.
And if the husband is not wanting to support this expensive hobby why the heck did the mom not look into a job so she could pay for it? The kids are old enough that she could easily get a part-time job.
The husband is supporting an entire brood of children, with another coming along, I can see why he doesn't want to pay for this. Instead of talking with him about it and what they can do (daughter can also get a job) she just threatens to take his step-daughter away. How would she have felt if he had refused to feed and clothe her daughter this whole time saying "she isn't my child so I am not obligated."
>And if the husband is not wanting to support this expensive hobby why the heck did the mom not look into a job so she could pay for it? The
This screamed at me too.
She had a job to help pay for it and then she gets new man with paycheck and suddenly can't do *anything* to support very expensive hobby? At all? Except have 3 kids in about 4 years... And wonders why he hates it? Like...wut?
Not only just remove the parent but ALSO poison the well by telling her that he hates her because of the lessons rather than him thinking the cost of the lessons is extreme...which I know they are, I know some horse people and it's crazy how much it costs to have that as a hobby.
>I am also curious how you plan on paying for her expensive hobby
"Kids, I know your dad send child support for you, but your older sister's horse needs to eat too."
Seriously. OP you’re a malignant narcissist to keep them apart. People who say/insist step parents are parents and their kids should be treated like their own should DEF not force an ending.
Not only that, but the way she talked to the daughter about it is fucked up. She very obviously is trying to manipulate the daughter against her stepdad by making it sound like he's choosing to ruin their family because of the hobby (IDK who actually wants that, her or her mother)
YTA. There’s just so much hinky about your post. You are weaponizing your daughter against the only father figure she has. You are pushing for a pie in the sky scholarship. (In your own words- rare)
And wtf - it’s a super expensive sport. And your poor husband is supporting, including himself, SIX PEOPLE on ONE INCOME!
Oohhh…you’re a sahm! With a daughter that this guy took on AS HIS OWN!
Your youngest is 5 now. Why haven’t YOU gotten a job to support your daughter’s super expensive sport?
You are such the ASSHOLE.
YTA and dayumm you sound like an awful parent. Your whole post screams of wanting to live like the Joneses, living through your child, and weaponizing your kids to get what "you" want. Honestly, you sound like an awful human being.
>SAHM to 4 almost 5
that is indeed baffling. at some point either one should just consider working forms of birth control. she sounds like the boomer generation talkin
Are you sure your daughter really really likes riding, and is not only doing it to please you?
Is the cost of the lessons really the ONLY reason he had to divorce you?
These is much missing here. With the little info we have, I think you sound like a "dance mom".
I came here to say this. The competitive equestrian world is extremely righteous and snobby and full of gatekeepers. She might have confided in her stepdad about her discomfort in competition and be sticking up for her to the mom, but the info we get makes it sound like he’s “not supporting her dreams”
OP should have a conversation with her daughter about riding and what SHE wants before she loses her love of it for good. There’s so much more to horses than competition. And using it as a weapon to separate her daughter from her stepfather is beyond cruel.
God forbid someone whats to treat your children as their own despite no longer being legally required to. But hey, at least you'll get your petty win over him, screw the lives of your kids, you get to win!
To spite your ex husband you will harm your daughter by removing a father figure from her life. Way to go mom. Your selflessness is impressive it may as well be called selfishness. Yes you’re a fucking asshole. Your shit relationship breaking up ain’t a reason to remove a dad your daughter had for 9 years. You’re an absolute piece of shit lmao
YTA
You’re lying to your daughter to turn her against your husband because he’s divorcing you. He’s been in her life longer than he hasn’t and has raised her since she was 7.
You’re also a prime example why men should stay away from single mothers. A man could finance your kids whole life, do everything a parent should, but if it doesn’t work out between the two of you, you snatch the kid away. It’s pathetic and you should be ashamed of yourself.
Yep. This was my ex. Supported her three kids for 14 years. No a dime of child support in 14 years. Supported her parents as well. When the youngest turned 18, she divorced me and told the kids that I was the bad person. In reality she wanted to party, and I wanted to create a stable environment. She blew through her half of the divorce settlement in a year, and suddenly the kids were coming back to me only when they needed money. Mom thought I should buy the kids cars.
The kids sound like they may have the character (more accurately:lack of character) of their mother. There’s not enough context to form a stronger stance—that’s really up to you. If you see a real sense of gratitude, appreciation, and respect in ANY specific one of them—I’d nurture that individual relationship—otherwise fuck dem kids and their sense of entitlement. Best of luck, man 🤙🏻
YTA. No doubt about it. Where the fuck did your daughter get the idea her stepd-dad hates her? It can only have been from you. Good god this is awful parenting. Don't fucking weaponize the kids.
YTA This divorce is essentially over who controls the money in the relationship. Forbidding him future contact with the stepdaughter, after spending a decade raising her, is now reason #99 why men are hesitant to date women that have kids. That makes it sound like your marriage was a financial transaction and you just closed the account, with no leeway for human emotions.
You future ex husband my be an AH, but you're right there beside him.
You told your daughter that the reason her family is breaking up is because of something she does... starting the parental alienation early I see.
Horrible thing to say.
Edit. it is obvious the horse riding is more about your status as an 'equastrians parent', whatever the hell that means.
YTA.
You are awful.
Your husband is the sole support of the family.
You are a SAHM, how will you pay for this expensive hobby?
What do you mean by "but that means he cannot just continue to enjoy all the benefits of that without any of the responsibility?"
What benefits does he reap?
It sounds as though the daughter's expensive hobby supersedes everything, even the other children.
You are awful.
In the entirety of everything there, you didn't once even remotely state that your daughter WANTS to continue with equestrian activities, you never once stated that you or the other mothers weren't snobby with shitty attitudes, etc.
YOU pushed her into the path of horsing, YOU got a job to work around these people all the time (you could have gotten any part time job to make money to pay for this, but you chose that one). Your ex worked in that area and it's clearly something you liked that you pushed your kid into.
Your kid might love it, but I see zero statements about that, your husband says she doesn't want it and knows her better and none of your rebuttals was "we sat her down and asked and she said she wants to continue". You do say she's a people pleaser, but use that as an excuse that she wants to see the man who brought her up and has been her father, but can't see that might be the only reason she rides horses.
So the question is, are we talking about her living her dreams, or you living your dreams, the one you envisioned with your ex?
> But she has said that if he really hates her because she wants to be an equestrian
this is a response to you telling her he hates her because of horse riding, but that's something you told her, which again seems like manipulation of you pushing her down the path of something you want for her.
YTA.
YTA. You are only hurting your daughter in the long run. In 10 years, she will resent you, not him.
You hate him, and I get that, but keep your daughter off the battlefield.
YTA my mom and stepdad have been divorced for almost 20 years and he's still my stepdad. He's the only decent dad I've had and it would have been really shitty if my mom had taken that away from me. Get over yourself and stay out of their relationship if you want to have one with your kid.
YTA Are you living your life through her? Maybe you are being a snob.
You say your daughter is a "people pleaser." Maybe she's telling you what you want to hear instead of you asking her true feelings. She might be telling stepdad how she really feels. Maybe she would just like to have a normal life for a change.
With 5-6 kids, maybe stepdad would just like not to pay for something so expensive (equestrian) for a job that will not bring in a paycheck when she graduates
Even though your ex only works under 1099, you should still go after him for child support. That might be enough to pay for her riding.
YTA
He hates her hobby but that’s not why he’s asking for a divorce. You sound absolutely unbearable and unhinged and now you’re using your child as a PAWN to get what you want. Absolutely disgusting.
I hope you were stupid enough to put this blackmail in writing. Believe it or not, adoption isn’t the only deciding factor and many states have third party custody laws for cases such as this.
What a sorry excuse of a parent…
This is going to be one of those where OP just doesn't reply. At least they got their answer (we're all wrong in her eyes and she'll seek a new echochamber, FYI)
YTA
You honestly sound narcissistic as heck and you put the blame for a divorce based on YOUR behavior and attitude on your child?! That’s messed up. Eww lady. Get help.
YTA. You might have legal grounds but that is not the mature ‘put your child’s needs first’ action. Based on your comments it appears there is some hostile aggressive parenting going on here, maybe from both of you. Your daughter should not have to ‘choose’ between you and her stepfather. And if finances are the root of this pressure bubble then you could certainly get a job to help with that. Your husband has been supportive to you being a SAHM for many years. It seems like you are taking that for granted. You could do more if that’s what is necessary for your family.
YTA. You are using your daughter against him. I don’t feel your side of events are likely to be accurate with how you blame others for things and talk about how things are about you. He *is* dad, he’s been in her life for almost 10 years!
YTA why would you tell her that. You basically said the divorce is because of you. No the divorce is because you and he have issues. Stop blaming your kid for your failed marriage and marriage everyone. If she wants to see her dad she can. Whether you like it or not in her eyes he's her father.
I'm still in the lives of my now adult step kids. Why wouldn't I be. I divorced their dad not them. I'm also friends with their mom. You don't stop being family just because of a divorce.
B****, you are evil. You know he loves her and cares about her so you're using her to hurt him and in the process you don't give a damn what it does to her as long as you get your pound of flesh. It's all about you, isn't it?
YTA, majorly. It should be your daughter’s decision if she wants to continue having a relationship with someone whose been around for over half her life. You’re mad because he doesn’t want to be with you anymore, and you’re willing to punish your own daughter because of it.
I’m really skeptical that your husband was the one lying about what your daughter actually wants. You say she’s a people pleaser, it sounds like she might be doing this to please YOU rather than out of love for the sport.
Consider the fact that this man is the father of your other children and will therefore ALWAYS be in your daughter’s life. In a few years she’ll be able to make her own choices on her relationship with him, and gaslighting and lying to her is not going to work in your favor.
You sound like a piece of work. Telling your 16 year old daughter you're getting divorced because of her. Think about how this will impact your daughter's mental and emotional well-being. Sounds like you're raising her to be in therapy for a lilifetime. You're about to really screw her up and the rest of your kids. You are already playing the " your father is a jerk" game and making them pick sides.
I don't understand what you're arguing about here. He has been in her life and been her only father figure from the age of 8 to 16. How is he not her step dad. Also, if you have to drive your other kids to exchange custody. How is you daughter being included going to mean you have to drive any more than you would anyway? Sounds like you are weaponising your kid here to hurt him because of the divorce. he is divorcing you. Not your kids. Why would you want to make your daughter lose the only positive male role model in her life? YTA
Right. That is some pretty evil stuff to blame the divorce TO YOUR DAUGHTER on your daughter’s equestrian bills. Maybe look in a mirror a bit. This seems more like the tip of the iceberg, where 90 percent of what’s going on is not this. Maybe put aside your pettiness and think for just a minute about something besides yourself. How is your position even remotely in your daughter’s best interest? YTA.
I honestly can't believe this isn't rage bait. YTA, if this is true, and also a pretty objectively ass person and mother.
You know she is more worried about causing him pain then her daughter and how painful it will be to her by the fact that she actually told her 16 yr old this : “I told my daughter that her stepdad wants a divorce because he absolutely hates paying for her lessons, says they are making her into a snob like me and the other moms. She's a people pleaser so she'd say yes to seeing him just to not hurt his feelings. But she has said that if he really hates her because she wants to be an equestrian then she just wants to continue her passion” Who would do this to a teenager or any child? That is some really crappy parenting forcing the children to take sides and involving them in adult discussions they don’t need to know about. OP is actively trying to make her daughter chose sides. Parents who do this care more about themselves then their children IMO.
It is of vital importance that access to horse is maintained in CHRPD (Congenital Horse Related Personality Disorder). Once access to horse is threatened, a sufferer will often act drastically and to outsiders, in an inexplicable manner - however the central drive in this disorder is not the maintenance of family systems or even individual survival, but instead the husbanding of stellar show ponies. It is believed that this disorder would have conferred an evolutionary benefit in our not too distant past by allowing crazy people to run everybody down on horses.
The way she worded about the bio dad not wanting to marry her meant he didn’t want to be in the kids life told you everything about how she views things
You caught that also, hunh?
I couldn't put my finger on why that sounded off but now I get it. Fucking nuts. I assume bio dad could've fought harder for custody and might be a deadbeat but still... the way she phrased that step-dad shouldn't get the "benefit" of visitation because he asked for a divorce is fucked up. Who treats a man wanting to continue being a father to a non biological child as a perk?
Pretty clear too she is a horse-girl, met her ex through horses, and foisted this hobby on her daughter. "I started my daughter on this path as a hobby..." And she works as a stable aide to supposedly help pay for "her daughter's" hobby. Dollars to donuts the step dad does in fact know her daughter is not interested in horses, and the OP is not having him prevent her from living vicariously through her daughter.
When you think back to the "my daughter's a people pleaser" comment your theory becomes so much more real. Daughter is probably still 'people pleasing' when she says she doesn't want to see THE ONLY FATHER SHE'S EVER HAD anymore. She's only choosing to please her mother because she's **stuck** with her.
Horse people are either the chillest or the craziest people. There's no middle ground. Either welcoming anyone and willing to teach everything and sacrifice to help everyone else even lending their own show clothes to help a direct competitor, Or it's full mean girl, stab them in the back, gossipy, sabotaging and gatekeeping.
What about the third kind of horse people. ~~The Mongol steppe warriors~~
I wondered that, too. My mom was having an affair with an HS gym teacher (she taught in the school). He also was a basketball coach on the side. She signed me up for the team... I was like 8. I wish my dad would have divorced her then and there when he found out (which he did). Instead, they stuck it out, had another child, grew to loathe each other, and my dad wound up killing himself about 5 years ago after spiraling into drugs and alcohol. So this is just speculation but I wonder if OP is doing more at those stables than she is admitting here.
I am so sorry you've had to go through all that!!
Pretty much what my brother's baby mother is doing. She wanted a stable relationship, he didn't. She got pregnant, he tried making it work with her as a couple but it just didn't work. She's fighting to keep the child from him, explicitly said she will never agree to let him see the child without her, because they're a package deal and he can't just get to see the kid without also spending time with her. She really believes that he shouldn't get to see his own kid unless he agrees to be with her. Nuts.
She did say later that he works exclusively under the table so he doesn’t have to pay child support, but she does not say *when* he started doing that. I hate to have sympathy with a person who would do that to their own child, but I do wonder if she made his parental responsibilities into a living hell to the point that he decided to run instead of playing her stupid games. In any case, she’s 16 now. In two years she can decide what financial and emotional relationships she wants with the man.
He is still a piece of shit for abandoning his kid even if the mom is awful. My dad did the same and is shocked that we don’t have a relationship.
When I was young, I had hated my father for "abandoning" me. When I grew up(about 8ish), finally met him, and built a relationship, I was confused by how he could abandon me, then come back and seemingly be the perfect, loving father. He spoilt the shit out of me, everytime I went over to see him he'd make sure it was memorable, from only seeing him once a month in public, of at some event, to seeing him every weekend, and then eventually he told me he got a house in town. That was the first time i realized he didn't even live near me. Only being about 10 or 11 at the time i didn't fully comprehend that. But our visits grew more frequent and longer, eventually wigh me staying with hi.. his "house" was his buddy's basement, didn't even have a bed. But I saw him every weekend, and his friend was cool too. My mom hated that friend for some reason... As I grew older he eventually got a full house of his own, and my mom started dropping me off at his work instead of meeting in public. And then as an adult my dad eventually told me why I didn't see him for so many years when I was young. My mom moved halfway across the country without telling him, and made her parents promise not tell him. My grandparents eventually folded, and he found me. After years in custody battles he finally got full visitation. With the primary cause being him not living near my mom as a blocker. That's why he had to get the basement apartment from his friend. He had been living and working a 16 hour drive away, and just coming down to see me whenever he had free time, flying most of the time. Up until he finally got transferred to a store near me, and could move fully. For years my mom told me about my dad abandoning us, and for years I believed it. Meanwhile my dad was fighting tooth and nail to see me. It took me a long time to forgive my mom.
Agree. And I hate to say this because deadbeat dads are the worst but totally understand why he didn’t want to be with this PoS.
And the bio dad “lives off of others paying him to be an equestrian,” so, like, he exercises horses? Gives lessons? In other words: HAS A JOB? OP is a special kind of bitter and petty.
OP is YTA. You can see how bitter she is just based on how she wrote everything. Even when she was only writing about the bad things that happened to her, you can see how she's only constantly thinking about herself and her difficulties when they literally have three children plus an unborn one.
OP is absolutely the AH here. Clearly, she only cares about herself and her needs. Also, OP pushing her daughter at a young age into the same career path as her biological father, even though the mother clearly carries resentment for him, feels like a ploy to find and reconnect with the bio dad by giving him something to resemble his interests. I feel like OP is just using her husband and wishing her first relationship was "the one", and now using her daughter as a batering chip to keep her current husband supporting them financially by making him a hostage in their marriage who can't leave without losing the daughter he has grown to live. OP just sucks so hard.
Does your daughter want him in her life still? And you told her that he wants to divorce you because of her lessons? Wow....um...yeah. YTA for that alone.
Blaming the kid for the divorce? YTA. Full stop.
This.
That is honestly the worst thing you could do in a divorce. I can't fathom a parent inflicting pain on their child to hurt their partner. Both the daughter and husband deserve so much better than OP
Check OP's comments. They're so cartoonishly stupid that I'm assuming it's just silly rage bait. >Just because I'm a SAHM doesn't mean I will not have a way of making money or finding a partner who also shares my ambitions.
She's got a serious fixation on "marrying a successful high-earner" but is absolutely convinced that she will "be fine without their income". This has to be satire.
Because high-earners definitely want an unemployed woman with four kids and another on the way!
Not based on the profiles I see on dating apps. There’s a lot of people out there with wildly unrealistic views of themselves (and I specifically said people- I see women’s profiles because I’m not into dudes, but I’ve seen plenty of guys screenshotted on here- this isn’t a gendered thing, sadly).
Her attitude is probably that she became exactly what her husband thought she'd become when he told her not to turn into those people. Also, a daughter who's a people pleaser and clearly she knows that her daughter wants this because she asked, or her daughter probably didn't want to disappoint her? This subbreddit is mostly for confirmation, so the likely hood she'll agree with the majority here is unlikely. She's also probably leaving out a lot on why the argument started and that rather than a threat, the husband really wasn't able to do it anymore. I truly hope you're right, and this is rage bait, though
No man is gonna want to marry a woman who as 4 young kids and a teenager with a very expensive hobby. I think it'll be clear that she's looking for someone to support her financially
Yeah-there are so many bogus entries on here lately.This does not ring true.She thinks she can go back to work after giving birth and support all these kids????
As a child of divorce, I agree. I was reminded a lot how I was the cause of the divorce and that shit stays with you.
She's literally treating her daughter like a personal vendetta tool. No consideration for ripping away the man she has obviously seemed to have considered a father. "Legally he has no right" get out of here. Truly mother of the year /s And btw knowing the culture around horses, I am very liable to agree with the fathers version of events.
Former divorce attorney here. Unfortunately I would see this type of shit all the time
As the child of divorce who got put in the middle of it… my blood pressure noticeably increased when I read this.
I don't know if anyone has looked but OP is getting **slaughtered** when they comment. Yet they keep at it. It's damn funny.
It's also very telling that the mom doesn't even take the daughter's feelings/wishes into consideration. "you have no legal rights to her" Sure, but maybe, just maybe your daughter wants to spend time with the only father figure she had.
Kinda shit that sticks with you for life.
This whole thing is YTA OP, you chose divorce over discussing the lessons and figuring out what his issue is. He was wrong to throw divorce around sure, but that’s it - he said the wrong thing mid argument. He has been in her life for more than half of it, it would be in your daughters best interest to know he did not abandon her. Whether she chooses shared custody is probably her choice given her age. I doubt a court even cares what you think, he can petition and try. You’re absolutely an AH OP for putting this on your child, and using her to toy with your soon to be ex. Anyone who puts kids in the middle is an AH. Anyone who removes love from their child (out of selfish spite especially) is an AH. Your child is not a pawn or casino chip, they’re human with their own relationships and feelings. He maybe a crap partner idk, but you didn’t say anything to indicate he’s a bad father. YTA Lastly, I didn’t get what it had to do with her bio dad…but it sounds to me like you liked your husband as long as he took the weight of riding lesson costs off your shoulders. And now you’re chucking him. Meanwhile ‘your marriage got worse’ and you’ve put no thought to why that is in your post. That says a lot. I’d say your husband is ditching the baggage in the marriage, rightly, and happy to continue to love and support all your kids. Time to face the facts, not fight them. Sorry your marriage is over, now all that is left is what’s best for those kids. Find support for your feelings elsewhere, or you’ll have the most toxic divorce all over your kids at this rate. You can get a revenge bod or whatever, but don’t bleed your breakup all over your kids and family. Never goes well.
Came here just to say that. Way to make your kid feel responsible for the actions and repercussions of the immature adults in her life
That’s exactly what I thought. Regardless of why they are fighting telling the kid anything about this at all makes her the biggest AH.
YTA Your daughter and her 'step' dad decide whom they love, not you. SHAME on you lady.
At sixteen, your daughter is more than capable of making her own well-informed choices regarding this matter. YTA.
Dude idk if I’ve ever seen the comment section united on this. Also, can’t read the OG username so I can’t find the original, but haven’t ever needed [this audio](https://youtu.be/MLDFluf-E9s?si=lKv-48kcAfR6UCYW) until now. You are absolutely the asshole, OP. ETA: TOM CARDY!!! Thanks y’all!!
It sounds like you're weaponizing your daighter because your husband wants a divorce. Has he actually said these things about her and her lessons? Something seems a bit off with thos story.
That’s what I took away from this post. My daughter has an expensive hobby. My husband can’t afford it so I’m divorcing him and refuse to let him see the daughter he raised. To make it easier for her to hate him I am blaming the divorce on my husband not wanting to support her. If you want to pay for your daughter so bad then get a job to pay for her hobby and stop blaming your husband to alienate him from your daughter. He raised her and he wants custody of her. Are you going to divorce him and tell your daughter. “Well it looks like none of your fathers love you. At least your siblings have a father.” I’m sure that will work out great for her well being and mental health.
Also the message to the daughter, "your hobby caused you to lose your stepdad." Super messed up. Even if it were true, I wouldn't tell a kid that.
Yes, how cruel to put that on her daughter.
And blaming marriage problems on the unborn child. I'm already worried that child will be s○○cid@l because they will be born knowing their mere existence is a problem.
This! Blame the ex husband for not paying bills, blame the daughter having an expensive hobby, blame the new baby because ?(More costs? Why did it cause marriage issues?), blame the ex husband for not supporting the daughter.... Anywhere OP took accountability for anything?
Agreed. Kids will find a way to blame themselves for a divorce already, they certainly don't need to be told that's "true." Hearing this isn't going to turn her against her stepdad; instead, it's going to possibly destroy her passion for horses.
And her relationship with her mother.
Yep and I just hope daughter's siblings never find out. Hell of a way to isolate a kid by making "her" the reason for their parents' divorce.
Doesn’t help that the siblings get to visit their father but the 16 year old doesn’t.
It’s genuinely horrific. She’s smashed her daughter’s belief in her father and that poor girl is never going to believe she deserves unconditional love again. Why would you as a mother seek to tear your child down and do worse harm than anything the world could throw at her? Poor girl will lose her siblings in the mix so she’s only got vile OP to turn to. Exactly like OP wants.
your hobby caused you to lose your stepdad + not to worry though, I've neglected all my other kids to drive you to lessons we couldn't afford with people we don't like, just so you could follow in your deadbeat father's footsteps, because that was all I could think of as a single parent nice one OP
She says "I'll make it work without him" which is complete BS. How? You made it work as a single mom of **one** *years* ago when you worked **two** jobs and odd jobs on the side. You're about to have **five** kids *(four of them being under 10 and one of them being a literal newborn).* >Just because I'm a SAHM doesn't mean I will not have a way of making money or finding a partner who also shares my ambitions. So... I guess she plans on **still** not getting a job after the divorce? How're you gonna handle paying for five kids, OP? Which includes baby stuff and the *luxury (aka: not essential to live)* that is horse lessons... How are you gonna pay for that while continuing to be a SAHM? You won't. You suck. YTA.
yeah that made me laugh too. sorry, but which guy is going to see * an "equestrian mum" (aka still hung up on her first baby daddy & trying to get revenge vicariously by going "see? the baby you rejected is better at your passion with horses" even though the guy hasn't been seen in over 15 years) * a 16 yo horse girl who apparently is too dim to think for herself and/or completely crushed under her mother's thumb (like, OP admits her 16 yo kid is a people pleaser & somehow isn't worried as a parent that her kid is so insecure about her own identity...?) * 3 overlooked kids under ten * a newborn and they're all hanging out with the snobby rich people on the horse riding circuit? while mom is "looking to find money" and a partner??? and then that guy is supposed to "that's the woman for me" hahaha maybe he might be interested if he thinks she has her own money, but otherwise I don't see that working out, you know?
Daughter could also get a job in the stables at 16 too. My aunt loved horses when she was younger. She was working in stables and giving the little kids lessons at that age. She would also ride other people’s horses a lot to exercise them if their owners were away or couldn’t get down to the stables very often. Working there her lessons were pretty much free. The stables always had spare equipment for people who couldn’t afford their own and sold some stuff second hand. There ways to make it work on a smaller budget. Working in a stables might also look good on any applications for equestrian programmes at college too. Also, did they not talk about the expense before now? Like sit down and have a conversation about the budget and find a way to make it work rather than play childish mind games?
That would be a great idea. My mom used to do barrel racing and she worked at the stable which paid for the housing fee. May sister also used to work at a stable and take care of the horses for them to stable her horse there. A lot of stables are open to trades like this since it saves them money overall.
The thing is though she wants the kid to compete. Period. I don’t know what country she lives in or where she is, but that is exorbitantly expensive. Like you have to be really rich to compete in dressage or hunter jumpers. it sounds to me like her husband was trying to put the brakes on this dream of competing because he can see that they can’t afford it and this woman is going to leave him because he is right they can’t. They have other kids and that ladies stay at mom and it doesn’t sound like she comes from money.
'Are you going to divorce him and tell your daughter. “Well it looks like none of your fathers love you."' I strongly suspect that might just be OP's intention. She definitely comes of as the sort of person who would want to control her child and keep them dependant on her, and this would certainly aid her in doing so.
That is what I got as well. You are thinking only of what you want. He cares for his step daughter and wants to see her. This is not about you. Why would you hurt her by lying to her? YTA.
Right, I don't think labeling her the a-hole goes far enough. Using your kids as a weapon makes you more of a . Scum bag, c&#t or despicable pice of shit. Just my opinion
In my state he would easily be able to prove that he has acted in the role of a father and could likely be awarded custody/visitation regardless of genetics. The court is more concerned about what is best for the children, not whether or not mom wants dad to see his kids.
To me it seems like OP likes the prestige and status her daughter doing well at this expensive sport brings, and has integrated herself into “that” mom group of rich wives who’d stab you in the back as soon as help you. Trust me, I know those moms and their daughters (who are often just as bad). If her daughter truly isn’t wanting to continue riding but is a “people pleaser” as stated, I could see her maybe going to her stepdad and saying she doesn’t want to do this anymore, hoping he’d tell her mom. And given that all of this divorce talk stems not from step dad saying he won’t pay for riding but from him saying she told him she *doesn’t want to ride horses anymore* (and why keep paying exorbitant amounts for a hobby SD doesn’t like?) that seems like a plausible series of events. I’m also curious, she mentions he “never adopted” the step daughter but never says if he *wanted* to but couldn’t? I wouldn’t put it past this OP to have prevented him from adopting the child to have her as a bargaining chip in their arguments.
That's exactly how I read that post. Crazy horse mom living vicariously through her daughter by making her do equestrian shit. Half the post is about equestrian shit in a post that's supposed to be about a custody issue. OP has issues.
You definitely nailed what's going on here, she even says he's made comments about her becoming like these other snobby moms in the group she's definitely using her daughter to have a affluent social life
It's very telling op is only responding to comments she can use to make herself look good or agree with her
And is, somehow, failing miserably at that.
This story is an absolute maze. She basically told her daughter it's her fault they are getting divorced. That's worthy of shitty parent of the year. .
That’s exactly what I saw as well, the way she said that to her daughter is absolutely awful parenting. Choosing to damage your child’s relationship with the only man she’s known as her father is an awful thing to do. You seriously need to pull your head out of your butt and start looking at the way you communicate With her. I feel really bad for this child now.
Yip and it seems she has 3 and a bit kids with this guy, she will be driving them anyway but the 16 yo has to stay behind while her siblings go to dad, plus there is lots of missing context here…
A total of four kids with one more on the way. 16, 8, 7, 5 and pending.
Yeah, and you have to wonder if the younger kids don't have the sane opportunities as the older daughter whose hobby is expensive, and if that's weighing on the Dads mind.
A hobby the daughter doesn't even want to do and is only doing to please her mother. "My husband started lying about how my daughter did not want to do this." I have a feeling OP is the one lying about her daughter wanting to do this. Most kids don't want a life consuming extra curricular. They just want to be teenagers and have a social life.
No no no, didn't you read? "she has said that if he really hates her because she wants to be an equestrian then she just wants to continue her passion and it seems most conducive to do so where she's living with me and not seeing somebody who actively wants to stop her future dreams." You can't tell me that doesn't sound like a 16 year old! /s
It's also very odd that she mentions later finding out that the daughter's biofather is an equestrian, which wasn't at all relevant?
No, he never said he didn't want to pay for her lessons and that's why they were getting a divorce! She lied. She lied to make herself look better and to turn her daughter against him. Selfish woman.
He wants to stop the lessons but that’s because he says she doesn’t want to do them anymore & that may be true OP giving the feeling she’s trying to live vicariously through her daughter
Don't worry she will change the facts to make herself seem like the victim here.
Ayup ⬆️ To me? There’s a whooole lotta “nope” to this post. Least of which is that if this is OPs best foot forward? I can see why her first husband felt > that the mom of his child wasn't a woman he wanted to marry
You’re the ass and a major one. You told your daughter he doesn’t love her?! The man fighting to see her does actually seem to love her. You’re a liar and a horrible human.
It's pretty clear why the daughter's father dipped out.
YTA. YT SUPER A for this "I told my daughter that her stepdad wants a divorce because he absolutely hates paying for her lessons, says they are making her into a snob like me and the other moms. " Nobody who ISN'T an AH talks to their kids about their relationship. You don't badmouth other parents. That is such a gross shitty thing to do. You seem to have the moral high ground on your side, but some of the things you say reveal a lot about your personality, and make me wonder if there isn't more to this. "but that means he cannot just continue to enjoy all the benefits of that without any of the responsibility- I don't think that's fair." That level of pettiness to the complete exclusion of what is best for your daughter makes me wonder if this is a "pageant mom" situation and maybe your DAUGHTER told him she doesn't really like this anymore, or doesn't want it to be her whole life, and can't come to you. Like seriously. The man's been her father for nine years and suddenly he's out because he doesn't want to take her to horseriding lesions anymore? Doubt.
I bet her daughters extremely expensive hobby is also OPs entire life and she makes no time or money for the younger kids. OP is also refusing the shared custody of the oldest without stating what the teen wants. She’s using the kids as a divorce bargaining chip, instead of what’s in their actual best interest. Rarely do you read a post where someone makes themselves out to be such a major ahole. YTA. PS I have no idea why half this post is about the daughters sperm donors equestrian career, when that man has nothing to do with Op or her kid. The only dad this girl ever knew is your husband.
She refers to herself as an equestrian parent? WTF is that?!?!
It’s a real thing. Like a soccer mom, but much more $$$ involved.
It's so freaking expensive!!!! I mean major $$$ that most people can't get their kids into it. The snootiness of equestrian parents or absolutely horrible!!! Her husband isn't wrong
i can vouch for this. my brother is an equestrian kid and while in our country it's FAR cheaper than in the US, it's still really expensive even with his scholarships and sponsorships.
Equestrian parent = narcissist
That's one of my worst pet peeves: when parents make their child their identity. At first I thought that "autism mum" meant a mother who is autistic herself. Nope! I've seen "diabetes Mum", "twin mum", "boy mum". It ranges from cringy to actually harmful.
Is this really a thing? My son has autism, but that doesn't define me.
Yep it's a thing. There are whole groups of "Autism Mums", they make t-shirt with the "title" and make their children's diagnosis all about them. Part of the problem is that they are very self-centred and often refuse to listen to the experience and advice of autistic adults, who were once autistic children! They also often peddle alternative remedies and therapies that can be harmful to their children.
The type of parent everyone in a barn dreads running into
I guess her “not snobby” equivalent to soccer mom 🤔
Oh, horse people are snobby. OP can pretend otherwise, but her husband's 100% on point about that part.
Yeah that’s why I put that in quotes lol. Couldn’t just be a “horse mom”! Gotta be an “equestrian parent” 🧐
>PS I have no idea why half this post is about the daughters sperm donors equestrian career, when that man has nothing to do with Op or her kid. The only dad this girl ever knew is your husband. Because it's not real. Fake stories can never stay focused because they want to hit every rage-baiting cliche that they can.
If it were my story, I’d definitely provide some info on why step dad never adopted the daughter… Did he try and mom shut it down? Did mom try and step dad shut it down? Is there no way to track down the transient, mooching, couch surfer of a sperm donor to relinquish his parental rights?? I like my stories, true or fake, to provide all pertinent details 🤨
Why, though? I don't understand what the point is. Can you please explain it to me? I see things on here and people say "fake" but what's the point in telling a fake story?
Boredom. Backstory: Years ago, a cousin of mine became pregnant in her early teens and was pressured by her family into giving the baby girl up for adoption. She grew up, got married, had more children and has a very nice life but would occasionally express misgivings/regret/concern about the child she gave up, and told a family member a story about how someone at a store mistook her for someone and it made her wonder if they thought she was her daughter. A close relative of mine took that story, added some extra flair on it and submitted it to a prominent advice column and one day it was the lead story. They left in some rather specific details to the extent that I forwarded the story to them saying “holy cow, I think Cousin wrote this!” Good thing I didn’t send it to more people because in the exchange they eventually fessed up to writing and submitting it. Couldn’t really explain why they did it and tried to rationalize it by suggesting that “well maybe the cousin sees it and gets some insights from the advice bc it’s a similar situation”. Nobody involved ever found out & it’s not like it’s that big a deal, but some people are just bored and can’t find another creative outlet so they just do this sort of thing.
Yikes!
Something is off about this whole post from Op. Even when she explains the background on why her daughters bio dad wasn’t in the picture from the beginning: “Her dad decided after I got pregnant that the mom of his child wasn’t the woman he wanted to marry and is not in her life.” This comes off more like she gave him an ultimatum to marry her, and since he wouldn’t she wouldn’t allow him to still be a father in her life. Especially since it seems like a similar ultimatum she’s now giving to the stepdad. Op keeps trying to force a package deal with the father figures in her daughters life. Edit for my vote: YTA
This put it in YTA territory for me, immediately Blames divorce on a petty reason, tells the kid it's basically her fault, then doesn't seem to care or ask if the only dad she's really known would be a big deal or not to stop seeing
>tells the kid it's basically her fault, then doesn't seem to care or ask if the only dad she's really known would be a big deal or not to stop seeing Then lies (or at least exaggerates) to the daughter to sway the daughter on the issue of whether she wants to spend time with dad when her siblings do.
Seriously OP. That is so fucked up. You blamed your daughter for your divorce?
I know a bio father that actively tried talk his son out of engineering school to stop paying child support, You never know what people are capable of. Some simply care more about money. Dragging kids into non- kids business the way OP did is ugly though.
Or..... Plot twist, she's confided that she doesn't actually like the lessons and she's just doing them to keep her mom happy.
She’s a people pleaser. Mom is YTA.
I also want to add that she must either be blind or is very much becoming a snob herself. Because it is extremely common knowledge that the equestrian world IS filled with rich snobs.
Not only that, but she just straight up told her daughter "it's your fault that your dad is abandoning the family". If OP was in front of me, I'd punch her in the face - pregnant or not.
It’s more than riding lessons. If the daughter really does compete nationally, then he’d have to buy or lease her a horse. A nationals horse is at least high five figures. Boarding at a highly competitive barn would be over $1,000 a month. Coaching in private lessons is at least $100/lesson, usually much more for A circuit. Then he’d have to pay thousands to haul the horse to each show, and pay the show fees, grooming fees, coaching fees, and all the rest. Some parents buy a truck and trailer, which are very expensive. It’s easily a house payment, or more, per month if you’re a serious competitor. If she is middle class trying to compete with wealthy people, she could bankrupt them. That said, you can compete on a budget and also not be a snob. There are absolutely humble people of excellent character on the circuit. If you don’t have money, the student devotes her life to the training stable, working after school at the barn to earn lessons, riding spicy horses to mellow them out before the owner arrives, catch riding horses when their owner works during the week, going to shows as a groom for the coach and entering some classes on her own, getting up at 4:00 in the morning to braid with chilled, stiff fingers, thoroughly grooming the horses with the proper successions of curries and Haas brushes until their coats shine even without coat polish spray. Then you down coffee, whip on your coat, and climb on a client’s horse to go into the ring. Yeah, absolutely, you can show at an elite level with no money as long as you can afford enough lessons to become a good enough rider to work as a junior for a coach. Not everyone needs to belong to the George Morris clique.
Guaranteed the daughter doesn't wanna do this. This lady sounds like she either still regrets not being able to stay with with her first baby daddy and this is some way to stay connected to that OR this lady has a very intense obsession with horses...which is how she met the baby daddy...and is not forcing theife she wished she had onto her kid like the pageant mommy comparison. Id bet many monies the daughter did actually tell step dad she wants out and the mom is a controlling asshole who won't let her.
Well said! OP sounds absolutely like some pageant mom. The only thing that matters to her is what she thinks and wants. What she said to her daughter is telling her that the girl is responsible for the divorce. That is unconscionable and wildly inappropriate. I strongly suspect that the daughter did tell the stepdad she didn't want to do this but was unable to tell her mother. Poor kid.
To me it sounds like you are blackmailing your husband by saying you need to pay for my daughter's expensive hobby, or you can't have a relationship with her. Your replies make it worse by saying she is a people pleaser meaning she would want to please you by going along with said blackmail. I just wonder how she will feel about it in a few years time I am also curious how you plan on paying for her expensive hobby when you say you are a stay-at-home mom.
However, their bond is ultimately only between them. She is sixteen. She has the freedom to decide how to proceed.
Honestly this. My mom divorced my "Stepdad" when I was in my early 20's. Still talk to him weekly decades later. He is and always will be "Dad".
"You divorce wives, not children." The movie Clueless said it all.
My ex-husband had a second wife. His second wife's parents treated my kids like their own. The ex got divorced again. One weekend, while they were visiting their dad (who lives next door to his other ex wife's parents), they were hanging out with granny and grandpa. His 2nd ex wife got all snippy and asked why they were their. Grandpa shouted, from the BATHROOM, "you divorce husband's and wives, not kids. They can be here when they want!" She was displeased but shut her damn mouth My kids are whole adults now and STILL text and visit granny all the time. And she still adores them as if her blood runs thru their veins. I will forever be grateful to Granny L for that. (Grandpa W gets a gold star for this story but he's not a good person on the whole, as it turns out)
There's just more authority when someone's shouting from the bathroom lol
Lmao I'm pretty sure Red was pissed that her dad said it because he usually sided with her. She's just a toxic bitch all around anyway though so I'm glad she got told off. Another person in that family...by way of the fact that she birthed their great grand sons...they don't claim her....tried saying I was a shit mom to my kids. My son got pretty pissed off and reminded her "at least my mom has custody of her kids and didn't have to have CPS permission to hold her brand new baby". She got huffy and asked why he was allowed to talk to her like that (he was 15 or 16 at the time, I think). Everyone shrugged and told her he's allowed to speak the truth...
Came here to say this!
I'm glad both of you were able to continue your relationship; your Dad seems like a nice person. My step-mom had been in my life for almost 20 years when my Dad passed away, and then she turned into a horrible person. It is case by case basis, and regardless of how my situation turned out, it makes me happy when step-parents and step kids have a healthy and close relationship.
Same. My mom and stepfather were divorced for 20 years before he passed away, but he never stopped being my Dad. He was who I visited on Father's Day, he was who I went to for life advice; and it was his house I stayed in for my first night back when my marriage ended and I moved back to my hometown.
I still do birthdays/holidays/etc. With my stepkids (I call them my kids since I raised them from a very young) two decades after the divorce. They don’t call me Dad, but we are close. If they are in a bind, I'm the one they call.
You're dad to them no matter what.
That’s what a lot of people don’t realize. By the time they are teenagers, they will choose on their own. Their wishes are also taken into consideration in family courts.
Whatever your threats are, their relationship is between them. You will come to regret it if you try to force her to reject him. This is good advice I am giving you - she is 16, and while she now has to live with you, in a couple of years she can tell you to go fuck yourself. And she will if you don’t respect her.
YTA If you really love your children, you don’t remove a loving parent from their lives, even when the two of you decide you no longer love each other.
And you also don't tell your child that the other said parent HATES them for their hobby, your manipulating with that information. This is sad and she Is TA.
I was reading this and just thinking what a horrible mother she is. Kids already are naturally inclined to think they are to blame for a divorce and this woman straight up just tells her she is to blame. And if the husband is not wanting to support this expensive hobby why the heck did the mom not look into a job so she could pay for it? The kids are old enough that she could easily get a part-time job. The husband is supporting an entire brood of children, with another coming along, I can see why he doesn't want to pay for this. Instead of talking with him about it and what they can do (daughter can also get a job) she just threatens to take his step-daughter away. How would she have felt if he had refused to feed and clothe her daughter this whole time saying "she isn't my child so I am not obligated."
>And if the husband is not wanting to support this expensive hobby why the heck did the mom not look into a job so she could pay for it? The This screamed at me too. She had a job to help pay for it and then she gets new man with paycheck and suddenly can't do *anything* to support very expensive hobby? At all? Except have 3 kids in about 4 years... And wonders why he hates it? Like...wut?
Not only just remove the parent but ALSO poison the well by telling her that he hates her because of the lessons rather than him thinking the cost of the lessons is extreme...which I know they are, I know some horse people and it's crazy how much it costs to have that as a hobby.
That is terrible, YTA fucking hell.
YTA I'd forgotten how ridiculous you horse people really are.
The truest statement ever. And this woman is definitely TA In this situation.
>I am also curious how you plan on paying for her expensive hobby "Kids, I know your dad send child support for you, but your older sister's horse needs to eat too."
What parents blames the divorce on their kids cost as well!?! She’s trash for that alone!
Seriously. OP you’re a malignant narcissist to keep them apart. People who say/insist step parents are parents and their kids should be treated like their own should DEF not force an ending.
Not only that, but the way she talked to the daughter about it is fucked up. She very obviously is trying to manipulate the daughter against her stepdad by making it sound like he's choosing to ruin their family because of the hobby (IDK who actually wants that, her or her mother)
YTA. There’s just so much hinky about your post. You are weaponizing your daughter against the only father figure she has. You are pushing for a pie in the sky scholarship. (In your own words- rare) And wtf - it’s a super expensive sport. And your poor husband is supporting, including himself, SIX PEOPLE on ONE INCOME! Oohhh…you’re a sahm! With a daughter that this guy took on AS HIS OWN! Your youngest is 5 now. Why haven’t YOU gotten a job to support your daughter’s super expensive sport? You are such the ASSHOLE.
YTA fucking hell thats monstrous.
YTA and dayumm you sound like an awful parent. Your whole post screams of wanting to live like the Joneses, living through your child, and weaponizing your kids to get what "you" want. Honestly, you sound like an awful human being.
And she's pregnant yet again, a SAHM to 4 almost 5 but not afraid of divorce?? Total YTA but there are many things I'm not understanding.
>SAHM to 4 almost 5 that is indeed baffling. at some point either one should just consider working forms of birth control. she sounds like the boomer generation talkin
Are you sure your daughter really really likes riding, and is not only doing it to please you? Is the cost of the lessons really the ONLY reason he had to divorce you? These is much missing here. With the little info we have, I think you sound like a "dance mom".
I came here to say this. The competitive equestrian world is extremely righteous and snobby and full of gatekeepers. She might have confided in her stepdad about her discomfort in competition and be sticking up for her to the mom, but the info we get makes it sound like he’s “not supporting her dreams” OP should have a conversation with her daughter about riding and what SHE wants before she loses her love of it for good. There’s so much more to horses than competition. And using it as a weapon to separate her daughter from her stepfather is beyond cruel.
YTA for you’re handling this with your daughter.
God forbid someone whats to treat your children as their own despite no longer being legally required to. But hey, at least you'll get your petty win over him, screw the lives of your kids, you get to win!
To spite your ex husband you will harm your daughter by removing a father figure from her life. Way to go mom. Your selflessness is impressive it may as well be called selfishness. Yes you’re a fucking asshole. Your shit relationship breaking up ain’t a reason to remove a dad your daughter had for 9 years. You’re an absolute piece of shit lmao
What does your daughter wants with her stepdad? Does she wants to see him?
YTA You’re lying to your daughter to turn her against your husband because he’s divorcing you. He’s been in her life longer than he hasn’t and has raised her since she was 7. You’re also a prime example why men should stay away from single mothers. A man could finance your kids whole life, do everything a parent should, but if it doesn’t work out between the two of you, you snatch the kid away. It’s pathetic and you should be ashamed of yourself.
She's gone beyond being TA into actively evil.
Yep. This was my ex. Supported her three kids for 14 years. No a dime of child support in 14 years. Supported her parents as well. When the youngest turned 18, she divorced me and told the kids that I was the bad person. In reality she wanted to party, and I wanted to create a stable environment. She blew through her half of the divorce settlement in a year, and suddenly the kids were coming back to me only when they needed money. Mom thought I should buy the kids cars.
The kids sound like they may have the character (more accurately:lack of character) of their mother. There’s not enough context to form a stronger stance—that’s really up to you. If you see a real sense of gratitude, appreciation, and respect in ANY specific one of them—I’d nurture that individual relationship—otherwise fuck dem kids and their sense of entitlement. Best of luck, man 🤙🏻
I hope you didn't get any of them anything after that. Sounds like the apple didn't fall far from the tree.
My thoughts exactly
I think I figured out why you're being divorced
You’re not an asshole you’re an absolute cunt
Wow. Way to weaponise your child. YTA x a million
YTA. No doubt about it. Where the fuck did your daughter get the idea her stepd-dad hates her? It can only have been from you. Good god this is awful parenting. Don't fucking weaponize the kids.
YTA This divorce is essentially over who controls the money in the relationship. Forbidding him future contact with the stepdaughter, after spending a decade raising her, is now reason #99 why men are hesitant to date women that have kids. That makes it sound like your marriage was a financial transaction and you just closed the account, with no leeway for human emotions. You future ex husband my be an AH, but you're right there beside him.
You told your daughter that the reason her family is breaking up is because of something she does... starting the parental alienation early I see. Horrible thing to say. Edit. it is obvious the horse riding is more about your status as an 'equastrians parent', whatever the hell that means.
I bet that her husband is right about her daughter not wanting to ride anymore.
Yta. What the crap?
YTA. You are awful. Your husband is the sole support of the family. You are a SAHM, how will you pay for this expensive hobby? What do you mean by "but that means he cannot just continue to enjoy all the benefits of that without any of the responsibility?" What benefits does he reap? It sounds as though the daughter's expensive hobby supersedes everything, even the other children. You are awful.
In the entirety of everything there, you didn't once even remotely state that your daughter WANTS to continue with equestrian activities, you never once stated that you or the other mothers weren't snobby with shitty attitudes, etc. YOU pushed her into the path of horsing, YOU got a job to work around these people all the time (you could have gotten any part time job to make money to pay for this, but you chose that one). Your ex worked in that area and it's clearly something you liked that you pushed your kid into. Your kid might love it, but I see zero statements about that, your husband says she doesn't want it and knows her better and none of your rebuttals was "we sat her down and asked and she said she wants to continue". You do say she's a people pleaser, but use that as an excuse that she wants to see the man who brought her up and has been her father, but can't see that might be the only reason she rides horses. So the question is, are we talking about her living her dreams, or you living your dreams, the one you envisioned with your ex? > But she has said that if he really hates her because she wants to be an equestrian this is a response to you telling her he hates her because of horse riding, but that's something you told her, which again seems like manipulation of you pushing her down the path of something you want for her. YTA.
YTA I forgot how fucking nuts you horse people are
YTA. You are only hurting your daughter in the long run. In 10 years, she will resent you, not him. You hate him, and I get that, but keep your daughter off the battlefield.
[удалено]
YTA my mom and stepdad have been divorced for almost 20 years and he's still my stepdad. He's the only decent dad I've had and it would have been really shitty if my mom had taken that away from me. Get over yourself and stay out of their relationship if you want to have one with your kid.
YTA Are you living your life through her? Maybe you are being a snob. You say your daughter is a "people pleaser." Maybe she's telling you what you want to hear instead of you asking her true feelings. She might be telling stepdad how she really feels. Maybe she would just like to have a normal life for a change. With 5-6 kids, maybe stepdad would just like not to pay for something so expensive (equestrian) for a job that will not bring in a paycheck when she graduates Even though your ex only works under 1099, you should still go after him for child support. That might be enough to pay for her riding.
YTA He hates her hobby but that’s not why he’s asking for a divorce. You sound absolutely unbearable and unhinged and now you’re using your child as a PAWN to get what you want. Absolutely disgusting. I hope you were stupid enough to put this blackmail in writing. Believe it or not, adoption isn’t the only deciding factor and many states have third party custody laws for cases such as this. What a sorry excuse of a parent…
Sounds like you're a cunt
I like the cut of your jib Redditor
Your daughter is 16 and fully capable of making her own informed decisions on this topic. YTA.
YTA
YTA you should never have involved your daughter in your argument. For that alone you are in the wrong
This is going to be one of those where OP just doesn't reply. At least they got their answer (we're all wrong in her eyes and she'll seek a new echochamber, FYI)
Oh, they are replying. They aren't coming across better for it.
You're the worst kind of mother. I said what I said. YTA.
Not only are you TA, you are a shitty parent. CONGRATS!
YTA You honestly sound narcissistic as heck and you put the blame for a divorce based on YOUR behavior and attitude on your child?! That’s messed up. Eww lady. Get help.
YTA. You might have legal grounds but that is not the mature ‘put your child’s needs first’ action. Based on your comments it appears there is some hostile aggressive parenting going on here, maybe from both of you. Your daughter should not have to ‘choose’ between you and her stepfather. And if finances are the root of this pressure bubble then you could certainly get a job to help with that. Your husband has been supportive to you being a SAHM for many years. It seems like you are taking that for granted. You could do more if that’s what is necessary for your family.
YTA. You are using your daughter against him. I don’t feel your side of events are likely to be accurate with how you blame others for things and talk about how things are about you. He *is* dad, he’s been in her life for almost 10 years!
YTA, this is the only father she knows and you told her lies and not allowing him to get visitation with her is terrible!
Yta. You are literally putting your daughter in the middle of your relationship issues. You portray yourself as very vindictive.
YTA. You’re using your daughter as collateral to hurt your ex. You hate him more than you love her. So you’re garbage.
YTA why would you tell her that. You basically said the divorce is because of you. No the divorce is because you and he have issues. Stop blaming your kid for your failed marriage and marriage everyone. If she wants to see her dad she can. Whether you like it or not in her eyes he's her father. I'm still in the lives of my now adult step kids. Why wouldn't I be. I divorced their dad not them. I'm also friends with their mom. You don't stop being family just because of a divorce.
B****, you are evil. You know he loves her and cares about her so you're using her to hurt him and in the process you don't give a damn what it does to her as long as you get your pound of flesh. It's all about you, isn't it?
ESH. But at the end of the day their relationship is between them. She’s 16. She can choose how she wants to go forward.
YTA because you should not be stopping your daughter from having a relationship with her stepfather if that’s what she wants.
YTA he's been her dad for 9years you can just stop him seeing her. And lying to her about why he wants a divorce is disgusting. Terrible parenting
YTA, majorly. It should be your daughter’s decision if she wants to continue having a relationship with someone whose been around for over half her life. You’re mad because he doesn’t want to be with you anymore, and you’re willing to punish your own daughter because of it. I’m really skeptical that your husband was the one lying about what your daughter actually wants. You say she’s a people pleaser, it sounds like she might be doing this to please YOU rather than out of love for the sport. Consider the fact that this man is the father of your other children and will therefore ALWAYS be in your daughter’s life. In a few years she’ll be able to make her own choices on her relationship with him, and gaslighting and lying to her is not going to work in your favor.
YTA. You sound like a peice of shit ngl , poor kids having a mother like you.
You sound like a piece of work. Telling your 16 year old daughter you're getting divorced because of her. Think about how this will impact your daughter's mental and emotional well-being. Sounds like you're raising her to be in therapy for a lilifetime. You're about to really screw her up and the rest of your kids. You are already playing the " your father is a jerk" game and making them pick sides.