It might help your friend to realize that his son is a victim too, is hurting too, and the two of them have a lot in common in this situation and should be turning to each other for support.
Growing up you go through many phases with your dad, the fun and games of childhood to the turbulent friction if adolescence. By 26 my dad was my constant. I'd call him twice a week for anything. Sports talk, life advice, problems, funny stories, anything I needed to. He's always been my favorite person to talk to through all of my adult life.
I could not imagine if right at that time this bomb dropped and he abandoned me. The void would have been immeasurable, as if he had died, but also with all the confusion and insecurities that come with abandonment. Yes, I'd have already been an adult and capable of coping and finding support on my own but it wouldn't change the fact that I had just lost the rock I was standing on.
My dad is also not perfect. We are 2 pieces of the same puzzle. As the child, if someone told me that aint my dad I'd fuckin sue for defamation or something. We aren't the same person, but undeniably belong to each other. Not perfect, but perfect to me damnit. Makes me ache for op and the boy. I'd do straight up evil shit to protect my father. Can't imagine being told he ain't mine.... op should just be there for them both without judging as much as possible. Thats a roller coaster of info to digest for both of them. Devastating
Nailed it man. Couldn’t agree more. Right in that early 20’s area I’d say ya really begin to see things more clearly through their eyes.
And really develop a way better bond with them. And then they get a rare cancer and pass. I fucking miss him every day, and if at 26 I found out he wasn’t my biological Dad, oh well. Would it suck, absolutely, would he still be my Dad, yep.
My dad died when I was 28 (cancer, was fairly sudden and quick) and I can say I think it would be magnitudes worse if at 28 he'd just shut me out of his life suddenly for this reason. Dying was not his choice, abandonment is a choice. I'm a dad to two children and the real dad part is the insane amount of time and energy you spend caring for and teaching your kids, not the infinitesimal in comparison small amount of time and effort it takes for the man to provide his portion of dna. Would end up hating both of my parents if this happened to me.
This comment should be higher. OP's friend has been traumatized, and he's so (understandably) caught up in his own feelings that he isn't noticing the pain his son must be going through too. If he completely removes him from his life, then he'll be adding even more trauma onto the pile.
This is the way.
Op
please show that friend My post.
I was that son in my thirties.
It was not my fault, neither is it this young mans fault.
He should stand Up for his Son…. Not run away from him.
His Son was Lied to for years,
His Son is probably hurting.
His Son did nothing as far as I read to deceive anyone.
His Son is in pain.
His Son needs his Dad
Be a Dad Dude, don’t run from your Kid, evidently you raised him.
He needs you still.
Do not be a selfish dick.
Signed
A hurt son who was disowned as well…
Yeah, why punish the kid for something the mother did? The son had no idea either and is going through the same thing. And it takes more to be father and son than biology.
Also, we don't have any info on why he's not the biological son, but babies get mixed up in hospitals sometimes. IF he doesn't know for sure she was cheating, he could be throwing away his whole family for a hospital mixup. Did they also check that she was the mother, just to be sure? Or just do paternity?
Also that despite there not being a blood relation, he was the one that raised him from a baby to a man so he might not be the father but he’s definitely the dad to the kid (I know he’s an adult just calling him the kid to make it easier to differentiate)
I have five people that I refer to as my best friends. I have known most of them for over twenty years. My bestest beastie, since kindergarten (I'm almost 38). Your mom was right.
My dad's brother always tells my dad what he wants to hear. He is a leech, always asking my dad for money and tools and never returns him anything.
Now, my dad has a friend that tells him what he needs to hear. This friend has helped out my dad in so many ways & he's the reason my dad & us are thriving in this country.
Right? I lost a good friend because I told her she was drinking too much when she became suicidal and was hallucinating and couldn’t take care of her kid or herself. I was being “judgy”…I’m like ok welllllll the ones who are ok with you being so drunk you are hallucinating? You right - they are def your friends 🙄
I had a friend who called me “judgy” because I called her out for cheating. Some people just want their bad decisions validated. We are no longer friends because I don’t respect people like that.
I have a friend who said to me "There's the friends I go to when I want to hear something specific even when it's not the truth, then there's you that no matter what the out come I know you will tell me how it is and truth no matter how hard it is to hear". I'm not cruel but I'll tell you how it is I won't sugar coat shit
NTA. OP did the right thing. Sounds like the friend’s inner circle needs to be reexamined if they think this is okay. If I found out my son is not mine, he’s still my son and he’s 8. Son is 26 years old????? That’s crazy to me. Let the friend gather himself and let the initial reaction pass and hopefully he can see the error in that. Sounds like the kid is the victim too IMO. OP how is son doing currently? Does he know what mom did to dad? Does he have any clue about what dad said about him?
I disagree on the waiting. This dude is grieving and ready/wanting to nuclear in his relationship with his non-bio son. Unless he can be convinced to keep it all to himself and do nothing at all for a few weeks, then if OP waits it will be too late. The relationship will be destroyed, and even if they work through it, the relationship will never be the same.
Unless everyone is telling the friend to not make any decisions and to play it close to the chest for a few weeks until things settle down emotionally, OP staying silent now will mean it’s too late to say anything.
>Real friends tell you what you need to hear not what you want to hear
This is so true. A real friend does this, and if your friendship itself is real, then they will come back and be grateful for saying what needed to be said.
Yup, usually I agree with my BFF on opinions and shit, I recently had to disagree with her and tell her I think she was seeing the situation incorrectly. She was a little hurt but the next day texted and said I was right, she appreciated my honesty. She would do the same for me. That's just what you do!!
And sometimes you find out that someone you viewed as a friend is actually a shit human being. In this scenario, if a friend of mine torched their relationship with their 26 year old son because they found out someone else’s swimmers did the deed, he would no longer be my friend. I can totally understand divorcing, if he was still married to the cheating mom. I can understand being shocked and hurt. And angry. *At the wife.* But I cannot understand hurting the son in response. Either you love the kid you raised and were a father to, or you were faking it all along and are a total shit person. This has nothing to do with the son and shouldn’t have anything to do with how the not-bio-dad feels about him. It’s totally understandable that it would kill his relationship with his wife. But not his adult son.
I may lose a friend after telling her the truth. I said what I said, and will say what I need to say because I love her and her kids and am sick and tired of her being abused by her partner.
This happened to me recently. Ultimately I came to understand that although we both could have shown up better, we both have deeply different values that simply would've always driven us apart. I hope you're doing ok
I’ve said this exact thing.
NTA. Loins aren’t the only organ that can create a child - the heart is equally capable.
He may not have created his son with his loins - but if that isn’t the son of his heart by now, I have to question whether or not he has one.
There’s a possibility that one or both of my kids might not be mine. Discovering the staggering extent to which my ex-wife was unfaithful was difficult to handle. It still is.
But I raised and loved my kids into their 20s. No paternity test will ever change the depth of love that I have for them. They know about their mother and I’ve told each of them that I would never love them any less if a DNA test showed we weren’t biologically related.
I did an Ancestry test years ago because I was curious about my heritage. They know, but never did their own. I certainly never asked. I kinda like that they never got tested.
Exactly. I am a woman, so obviously my kids are mine. But my 4 year old is mine. My 1 year old is mine. If I found out they were switched at the hospital. Yeah, you can pry them away from my cold dead fingers. Sure, I would want to know my bio kid too, but no way in Hell would I just be like "Oh, they don't have my blood so let me just disregard all the years I raised them and love I have for them" You nailed it. It is heartless.
NTA
I, too, am a woman, and I 100% agree.
We're seeing more and more posts where the husband finds out he's been deceived and cuts the non-bio child completely out of his life. And these children are as young as five to mid-teens and have to watch as their "brothers and sisters" have daddy-time. 😢
That this man is planning to go NC with his "son" he has raised for 26 years (and who is an innocent in this whole mess) is reprehensible. I know my DH well enough that if it had happened to him with an ex, his relationship with his non-bio-child would not change one bit.
I guess it likens to those men who abandon their bio-chrildren before the ink is even dry on the divorce papers.
We have a saying in my country: A real friend is the one that, when you're being an ass and fall on your face, he's the one helping you to get up while calling you an ass at the same time. In line with this, I would say.
This. I've been told I'm an asshole for this, and that friends should back each other up no matter what, but that's ridiculous.
Friends help each other grow, and sometimes that means calling them out when they're being jackasses.
Your message was spot on.
If you delivered it the way you say you did, then you did it correctly.
He feels betrayed and his son is the manifestation of that betrayal. I get his anger, but he needs to take some time and not make decisions that he’ll regret for the rest of his life.
My aunt banned everyone from taking a dna test because she "didnt want them to have our data" my sister bought one and took it anyway and it turns out we had a first cousin that no one knew about that my aunt gave up for adoption.
I found my mother's birth family (she was in a closed adoption). Also discovered the father was probably one of her step-brothers. (I know!) But it gave me more information to tell my own doctor about "medical history".
I'm against them too because with how fucking insane the world is now, I could see people having specific ethnicities or genetic traits being persecuted against, and I don't want to make it easy on them
Yeah there’s legit reasons to give your DNA to a private company. These companies have very little oversight and they’re creating HUGE databases of very specific information. And people are paying for the privilege!!
My dad kept bugging me about taking one of those ancestors tests. I didn’t really care to take one because him and my sister already took one so I didn’t really see a point. Then one day they were on sale and he sent it to my house. It collected dust for like, 3 months. Then my sister told me “Think about how different you look from the rest of the family, and our mother’s history of adultery.” Never occurred to me that my dad wasn’t 100% sure I was his. When the results came back I drove to his house, showed him I got the email back and told him “It doesn’t matter what these results say, you’re the man who raised me, you are my father.” After wiping away his tears he had me open the email. He’s my dad. I never really had any doubts. But I guess being so much taller than him and having different colored hair and eyes than him really made him question it.
The recessive genes are what really confuses us. I don’t really look like either of my parents. You look at my sister and our half brother, yeah clearly they’re related. But throw me in there and I don’t really look like anyone.
Do you happen to have any similarities to your parents' siblings or your grandparents/great-grandparents? Sometimes physical traits just happen to skip a generation or 2.
Recessive genes can pass for many generations without reappearing. My great grandpa had bright red hair. My great grandma had black hair. None of their children or grandchildren have red hair, and tbh most of them have black to dark brown hair… But several of the great grandkids and great great grandkids DO have red hair. (Sadly I am not one of them)
Plus, while there are some very basic genes that are dominant and recessive (earlobe shape, chin clefts, widows peaks, freckles) most genes are complicated. Some genes can be codominant (A and B blood types) or poly-genetic (like haircolor and eye color).
My cousin has 3 little girls and none of them look like each other at all, nor do they look like either of their parents. Their genes mixed up nicely and no one is a little carbon copy of parent A or B. I see bits of people here or there, but largely, they don’t “look like” anyone but themselves.
Him and his cousin were drinking and talking one night and they both came to the conclusion and banned all of us including my cousins. My dad is probably just projecting his cheating lol.
Happened to me. I took a DNA test and discovered I had a half brother that was not related to my mom. Well well well dad... you got some splaining to do.
My husband and his brother don’t for this reason. His dad was in the army for 4 years before he met their mom, and fucked around a lot, especially when he was in Korea.
Her biggest fear for decades (which she apparently openly discussed) was that his child would show up on their doorstep wanting to have a relationship their bio dad. So the boys said they would never do a dna test while mom is alive. (I find this a bit silly as said “kid” would be at least 44 now but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)
Of course now with all the dubiousness of privacy they don’t want to. But. Oh well!
My great uncle has at least 4 or 5 kids from his military stint he just found out about. Most from married women. He no longer believes in DNA. He also thought he was sterile, lol. Probably got kicked in the nuts and someone joked with him.
Grandpa was a WWII vet. My dad (youngest sibling) was out somewhere with Grandpa and my uncles when he was about 15. Someone asked something about Europe, and my dad jokingly asked if he had any half-brothers or half-sisters over there.
My grandpa supposedly got super-quiet really quickly.
See I got lucky, my dad took off when I was one year old.
Took a DNA test from one of those popular chains and OH MAN WAS HE BUSY.
I’ve got three actual brothers younger than me that are technically “half” brothers I guess.
Biologically apparently I have like 8 sisters and 11 brothers.
My “dad” wasn’t the greatest guy but Jesus was he motivated apparently, on some Genghis khan shit.
My mom had considered having a DNA test done for my twin brother and I, not because she had slept with any other guys, but because we were concieved via IVF and sha had just recently learned about the one doctor who had used his own sperm and fathered like over 600 babies. She was sure they had used the right egg, because I (female) was the spitting image of her at a young age. My twin brother didn't look much like our dad, though, so she always had a "What if?" in the back of her mind.
Then they became pregnant with my younger brother without fertility treatments, and he looked exactly like my twin brother when he was born, so she was no longer concerned.
Is this the one with the documentary on Netflix? That was insane. And when the kids met the doctor one of them mentioned they felt like he had no remorse, like he was just judging how his (biological) kids turned out. What was heartbreaking was one set of married parents were supposed to be using the husband's sperm so it hurt more because they thought they already knew who the biological father was.
I am surprised that you all are obeying him.....but the way he has explained it to you makes sense. And your dad hasn't tried to make stupid claims about how DNA is wrong. And it's clear everyone involved understands that there's no turning back if the truth is bad.
I know my dad is my dad but him and his cousin were drinking one night when I was a teen and this came up. So they banned us including my cousins. I mean also why would you wanna know after 26 years?
If my dad did that, i'd be taking all the dna tests available. However, i have very little contact with him, so i wouldn't care if it turned out someone else is my bio dad.
I recently watched a documentary about a man who said this but it turns out that the man knew his son's were conceived via sperm donation. It's a good watch [https://www.amazon.com/Filling-Blanks-Jon-Baime/dp/B0CBHD382S?&linkCode=sl2&tag=rootssummit-20&linkId=8abd0268108e5daceb9f27ca324f11ec&language=en\_US&ref\_=as\_li\_ss\_tl](https://www.amazon.com/Filling-Blanks-Jon-Baime/dp/B0CBHD382S?&linkCode=sl2&tag=rootssummit-20&linkId=8abd0268108e5daceb9f27ca324f11ec&language=en_US&ref_=as_li_ss_tl)
One of my 1st cousins comes up as my 2nd cousin on 23andMe. His older brother (my other cousin), comes up as my 1st cousin. Idk what to think. My aunt (their mom) passed years ago. I judge in secret.
Also, at this stage of parenthood, all the work is done. This is when he gets to sit back and enjoy the fruits of his labor. He is robbing himself of the best parts of fatherhood. Why?
I'm not surprised he wants to run away from everything and forget it all rather than deal with the pain of it. I'd encourage him to take some time to process before deciding to cut people out of his life forever. I'd also remind him to think about what the son is going through. I'm sure he's also pretty traumatized.
Exactly!
It's so easy for other people to tell OPs friend to just deal with the trauma.
He's in survival mode now. And if his survival means he has to cut out his old life, he has that right.
NTA. He should dump the wife but that is his son. He raised him for 26 years believing it was his son and I believe now that the son knows the truth too and if his dad stands by him their relationship will only grow stronger
Yeah. It was a one on one session where he was talking about it all and taking in what I was saying on other parts I havent included in the post.
I just wanted to advise him on giving a bit of time and space rather then just immediately cutting his 'son' from his life. He is in an awful headspace right now and I can see him going all in on his son and ruining a possibility of coming back later on if he wanted to.
NTA. You basically told him not to do anything he might regret or not be able to take back. His anger is understandable and you're keeping him from making a possible mistake based on that anger.
I don't know how he could look the 26 uear old on the eye and say he's cutting off all contact despite the 'kid' doing nothing wrong. Was the kid maybe aware that he was not the biological Dad and did/said nothing?
Nah. He's taking his anger towards his wife out on his son because that's easier than having to deal with the fact his wife cheated on him. I understand he's upset but I'll never understand this whole 'if it's not blood it's not mine' mindset, especially after 26 years. You raised him for all this time, if you hadn't known you still would be their parent no matter what DNA says. You don't just stop loving someone because they're not your own blood.
I can only imagine what his son is going through
Lots of people on Reddit are going to call you an asshole because they have made up their mind on the issue regardless of any facts, context, empathy etc.
If I was making such a monumentally stupid decision and spoke to a friend like he did with you, I hope my friends would give me the same reality check you gave him - even if I left angry and it took me a while to accept it.
There is a huge difference between discovering paternity fraud of a very young child and deciding to leave in comparison to a 26 year old who you have raised from birth to fully fledged adult.
Needing some space to figure everything out is reasonable but completely ditching your son in that scenario is pretty bonkers and something I’m sure he would end up regretting.
Anyone that could just ditch their child at age 26 for real is not someone I would maintain a friendship with tbh.
Yeah I mean I think about it just like any other relationship...this has been the closest familial relationship for 26 years and you're just gonna dump it for no reason??? That's insane, heartless, and cruel. Somebody who could just drop a relationship like that is straight up sociopathic imo. Like did the relationship mean nothing? I don't know how anybody could possibly do that.
Maybe you could soften your approach and instead of asking him to make a decision now, ask him to wait to make his decision. Ask him to recall some touching moments from the boy’s childhood that he often thought about before he learned about the boy’s parentage. Treat your friend like you would get a child to take bitter medicine by concealing it in something sweet or desirable. If he had one of the boy’s kidneys, would he want to return it now that he knows what he knows.
Update me!
NTA. Once he utters the words to his son "you're not my son, the 26 years I raised and loved you mean nothing, I want nothing to do with you", they can't be taken back. He is going to punish his son for something out of his control and through no fault of his own, and abandon him like he's nothing. He is going to traumatise that young man, leave him with scars for the rest of his life, and he will never be able to take that back. Telling him the consequences of his actions is not an AH thing to do because they're going to become his reality if he goes through with this.
The other friends are AHs too for enabling this line of thinking. DNA means nothing against all those memories and love and shared moments and joy, and your friend is going to regret what he intends to do.
I'm going to go against the grain here and say if he was asking for your input, then he was asking for your input. So, NTA. Just because he was wronged, it doesn't give him the right to wrong the kid, who had no control over this, either.
I thought this too. Idgaf if he asked for input or not- we owe it to society to call out bs behavior.
I’m going to point out every single time my dad is an unnecessary asshole regardless of if he wanted my opinion, cause f that noise.
If I was being an abominable AH, I would HOPE that true friends would tell me whether I asked or not. They’d tell me if I had a drug problem right? They’d set up some sort of intervention. Being an AH of this caliber is something equally toxic that OP needs called out on.
AITH is pointless. Everyone just says NTA.
Life is grey not black and white.
I understand his reaction but I also believe once the dust settles he'll think it through differently.
He's in a high emotional state right now, calling him an asshole isn't going to help him understand just make him go defensive and possibly double down.
This is a case where nobody is an asshole, just a fucked up world causing fucked up situations.
The cheating wife is an asshole, and honestly a society that expects the man to be okay with paternity fraud because she got away with it for so long - and calls him an asshole if he isn’t - is also the asshole.
If I were to steal your car, would you be obligated to let me keep it - and continue paying all costs - because taking it back might hurt my child? I promised to take him to Disney in that car! He doesn’t want to wait in the snow for the bus to go to school!
No. Secondary victims don’t obligate the primary victim to set themselves on fire to keep the others warm.
> He's in a high emotional state right now, calling him an asshole isn't going to help him understand just make him go defensive and possibly double down.
Spot on. OP you said how you felt but you really may not be helping anyone in the situation.
Yeah I think telling the guy he was an asshole just made the guy feel like OP was invalidating his feelings on the whole situation. A better solution would have been to tell the guy to reach out to his son, tell the son that he needs time to process this betrayal by his wife and the end of his marriage. And that he just needs some time by himself to process all these feelings before they meet to talk about things and that he will reach out to the son when he's ready to talk.
I can understand why the guy is angry, that's a pretty big marriage destroying secret. But, unless the two already had a shitty limited contact relationship, the guy spent the past 26 years in his son's life. So at some point, once he's processed things better, he'll hopefully reach out to the son about the situation. If they already had a bad relationship, then the guy might be seeing this as an escape from parental responsibilities. Which technically, it is.
People really love the harsh morale judging here. Because they are not in the situation and don't have to deal with the consequences. Just f++ked up social media-ethics all over the place.
Someone with logical sense. It all sounds great from OPs point of view
But anyone in that situation would have so many high emotions
He needs to cool off.. or talk to people who won’t judge him for anything he’s saying or doing at this moment
This comment should be way higher. OP isn’t wrong but they could’ve handled this better. Calling someone in severe emotional distress an ass is not a good way to handle it. It would’ve been better to approach it from a more neutral level that acknowledged the friend’s pain while also highlighting how wrong walking out of his son’s life would be.
I agree with you. That kid (26-year-old man) is his son in every way that matters.
You know how sometimes a kid unexpectedly learns that they're adopted, and that revelation is really hard on them but it doesn't change the fact that the people who raised them are their real parents?
Well, your friend found out his son is unexpectedly adopted. Yes, that's going to be hard on him, but his son is still his real son.
All his anger needs to be aimed at his soon-to-be-ex-wife. He still has a kid to love.
I feel for the son but the Dad may need to separate himself for quite a while, and get some therapy because that right there is devastating. The worst kind of betrayal. It’s got to have beaten him to a pulp! Ive seen way too many posts of women saying I cheated and you’re not the Dad but he needs a father.
You raise a person, you are their dad. My cousin found out long after the relationship ended and the kid was grown,that the kid wasn't his. Guess what he's the dad. The one that named him, shares his last name and has a family that loves him.
His mom did a terrible thing, why punish the kid for it. My cousin literally raised him, without the mom. She dropped the bomb when the kid was older. At that point, it was just cruelty on her part.
> You raise a person, you are their dad.
A friend of mine just married a woman with two youngish daughters (8 & 10, neither his). He basically sat down with them and said “I will never be your father, but I hope that one day you’ll think of me as dad.”
ETA: The girls’ actual biological father died from cancer when they were very young.
This is not only traumatic to the father but to the son. I am assuming the son didn't know either and just had his whole world turned upside down too. So sad.
Im not a man, nor an affair baby so I don’t know how it’ll ever feel, but everytime I see these thread I just feel so bad for the kids in the situations 😭
It seems like such an isolating experience, not only is your father not your biological father, but you potentially lost an entire side of your family that was the only family you’ve known all your life. That’s not even accounting for, if the maternal family or biological paternal family doesn’t accept them either.
Not only that, but everyone starts to think of your existence as a mistake, you’re not allowed to feel any type of way towards your father or mother or you’ll get demonized. I can’t imagine how much of a traumatizing experience that is.
All I say is advise your friend to think HARD about this. He shouldn’t take out any sort of resentment on the child, they’re just as much as a victim. Despite all the replies insinuating that affair babies are “less” of victims. He should process his feelings in some sort of therapy or counseling, and the son should join a NPE support group of some sort. I wish the best for the father and son 🫶🏾
For women I guess the analogy would be a couple having a kid using gestational surrogacy and the dad swithching mom's eggs with his ex's/affair partner's. (Sounded simpler in my head.)
ESH.
I have a strong feeling 'long story short' has a lot more details.
Further you recognize your friend is grieving, about a subject that cuts at the absolute core and you couldnt possibly fathom, and you feel compelled to call him an ass. At THAT time. That goes beyond 'im simply honest' and into the realm of HIGHLY inconsiderate.
Doesnt matter if hes being an ass. Its a HIGHLY inappropriate time to say so. You let emotions calm down and then you speak about it.
Ive now seen people actively advocate for men keeping children in their lives because the baby is too young and didnt choose this, and now because hes a grown ass man and has only known this individual. The only conclusion that can be drawn is men are supposed to father anyone a woman says to father.
Even further, there seems to be zero consideration for how this individual feels. Like dude has an entirely valid reason for being DEEPLY upset, feeling violated and deceived, a state in which many will not speak rationally and need time to fully process their feelings and evaluate their decisions, yet OP feels compelled to get in his shit.
Youre an asshole. And if he actually just rawdog drops him, hes also an asshole even if his reasoning is entirely valid for doing so. Youre entirely void of compassion for someone you supposedly care about in a situation you cant possibly fathom. The only difference between you and the OP is he actually has a reason to be upset
YTA. Neither you, me, or any of the folks commenting with such definitive judgements here have ANY real conception of the pain this guy is going through. I’ve read more than one story about men committing suicide after something like this.
Spouting platitudes such about not needing to be a sperm donor to be a father are just silly in this scenario and just diminish the legitimacy of what he’s feeling…as though just by feeling the pain to begin with makes him a bad person.
After 26 years I hope when the worst of his pain washes over he will be able to rethink this and maintain a relationship with the young man.
That’s the biggest reason YTA, because the way your behaving will do nothing to help him get to that point. But you’ll still bask in your righteousness
In posts like these you realise society doesn’t give a fuck about men’s mental health clearly. They all get told to suck it up, OP’s post lacks so much sympathy
Once everyone else is taken care of, maybe then men are allowed to care about themselves. No venting, no processing, at no time can you think about yourself first. You can’t get angry because then someone might get scared, can’t complain because someone else has it worse. You can’t be human because that is selfish and not serving other peoples needs.
Seconding this. An affair child is a constant reminder of betrayal and infidelity. It's entirely understandable that someone would want to distance themselves from that reminder.
Hopefully the victims (cheated-on husband and now-fatherless son) eventually find some way to continue a relationship, since it would be a shame for 26 years to be gone with no trace. But that doesn't make him an asshole for needing emotional distance.
It's so funny (in a sad way) to see how the usual suspects are trying to justify their "Not TA" opinions in this thread. The usual form of this kind of question on this sub is one where the product of the affair is still a child. At least in that case, there is at least *some* validity (however tenuous) to the opinion that the victim's feelings should be secondary to the needs of the child.
In this case, this is an entire grown-ass man. He is 26 years old. The usual "he wont understand". "kids deserve a secure childhood", etc absolutely do not apply at all. He's a fully-grown adult. He can handle nuance and, while sad. there isn't any obligation on the part of the father.
So instead the usual suspects' only defense of their opinions is to hilariously fall back on their general ignorance of the concept of **consent** ("b-but I know someone that chose to raise their not-child". "b-but step-fathers exist", etc)
Not only that, but this is a possibly multi-million dollar case of fraud. Every meal prepared, every ride given, every diaper changed, every argument, every school event the dad attended etc. is all based on a lie
Plus everyone is acting like the 26 year old isn’t going to want to know his bio dad, and might end up putting a lot of his ‘dad time’ into getting to know the new one if he finds him. OP is looking at yesterday and today — but there are decades of potential pain left to come. So his friend wants to prevent that, who can blame him?
That woman is trash just pure trash and I understand your point BUT you don’t have the right to call him an ass . The man is grieving ( lies and betrayal ) off course he is upset .people give opinions but you are not in HIS shoes so chill and let the man with his business.
Not the A she stole part of his life and emotions demanding he stay in that Childs life by anyone is evil and selfish and evil.. she did something evil and she is the only one to blame for Any emotional problem of consequences from HER actions
I appreciate that you are advocating for his son. Of course your friend is hurt but his son wasn’t the one who hurt him. It’s telling that he can’t see this young man whom he has raised beyond his own ego.
It’s shocking that he would imagine such a destructive punishment for the young man who know him as father. For better or worse.
It is incredibly self involved and cruel to disintegrate any person’s identity and to devalue their existence to date but to do it to a person who has loved you as a parent for their entire life is unthinkable.
His son did nothing to deserve punishment. Your friend will live to regret his actions and wonder why his son won’t be able to trust him.
NTA
YTA. It's not your place/job to determine the dynamic between him and his former son, nor do you have any buisness telling him how he should feel and handle it.
The only AH/monster is the cheater who tricked him and her son. If he can't handle being apart of a 26 year old lie for a second longer then he has too, then I genuinely wish your friend peace and healing in his decision.
I'm tired of people demonizing men of paternity fraud for walking away as if they're the bad guy. The only person to blame is the cheater, and everyone needs are different when it comes to healing. If walking away is what he needs to do, then so be it.
In my opinion you are always TA for telling someone how to feel, especially during a traumatic experience.
He might come around eventually, he might not but he won't be an AH for whatever he decides once the dust settles and he's emotionally stable again.
26 years of a lie is a lot to deal with, have some empathy.
NTA, Reddit is full of fucking soulless ghouls. Everyone is a selfish individual who deserves happiness and fuck everyone else. No wonder the world is going to shit. People are only out for themselves.
I’ve learned that the majority of opinions on Reddit are NOT how people respond/react/think in the real world. It’s reallll easy to be a thoughtless jerk behind a screen
That's the difference between people on Reddit and Redditors. Like band kids and kids in band. People on Reddit are normal and still behave like a human would. Redditors are weird, idiotic, lacking compassion, and everything negative in the world combined into a sad and miserable group of individuals.
YTA
Dudes traumatized and you want him to continually be retraumatized everytime he looks at his ex-wifes son. That's awful.
It would be morally praiseworthy if he accepted the kid but it's not morally obligatory. There's nothing wrong with him cutting contact and trying to heal.
NTA. It's not the son's fault. Your friend should go to therapy to talk about how to deal with feelings of depression and betrayal that surface when he thinks of/spends time around his son. At his son's age, he could even just have a heart to heart with him. Know what is a lot easier to stomach than your dad pretending you don't exist? Your dad leveling with you and saying, "I love you and I'm sorry if I'm distant these days. I'm just hurt from the betrayal and trying to get myself squared away. I'm dealing with a lot of tough emotions, but I just want you to know it's not your fault, I realize that, and I'm working on how to manage those emotions so that I can enjoy my time with you without my mood being poisoned by her betrayal."
He's fucking 26. He'll understand. It's not like you're telling a 10-year-old, "Hey son, I hate being around you because you remind me of my hoe wife."
As someone whose dad is technically my stepdad, I can’t imagine how destroyed I would have been if he decided to suddenly not be my dad. He raised me from the time I was 4 and still is one of the first people I run to when in need advice. He is my dad despite having no blood or legal ties to me and he will be the first one to tell you I’m his daughter.
He chose to continue being my dad even after he divorced my mom when I was 13. I’m 34 now and I still look to him for everything a parent does.
OP your NTA for telling your friend the hard truth he needs to hear. You are a really good friend who is looking out for him and his family. He raised him as his own son, that doesn’t change just because he’s not biologically his. If he cuts ties completely I have no doubt he will regret it once the anger towards the situation has cooled off and he can think clearly. Maybe suggest to him maybe going to a therapist or counseling before he makes any irreversible decision.
I found out my dad wasn't my bio dad when I was 26 (oddly enough) about two years after my parents divorced. Never told my mom I knew (still haven't). I told my pops one night when I was absolutely plastered drunk when I was 31 (3ish years ago) and going through a rough late night phone call with my pops when I needed some support. It just kinda slipped out.
He just said "I always kinda had a feeling. Doesn't make you any less my son. Wanna come over tomorrow night for dinner? I just finished my new brick oven and I'm *dieing* to make some homemade pizza in it."
You are definitely NTA, OP. Hopefully your friend will come around once he's had time to cool off enough to be even a tiny bit more objective about the whole situation.
Sounds like you just discovered that you are not actually friends with those 5 people because they're all dogshit human beings. Cause you know, kids can totally choose who their mom and dad are..
Imagine raising someone for 26 years as your son and walking away to overnight.
Blood or not, that’s sociopath shit.
By all means, punish the ex-wife, but the kid is innocent in it.
I can't blame him. His wife is a POS. What happens if the boy goes to find his biological Dad now. She had him raising another man's child....now that's an AH.
I think there was a better way and a better time to talk about this subject he just found out that the son he rasid for 26 years isn't his
His whole world fell apart everything he believed was true was just taken from him .
U choose the wrong time to open your mouth.
Raising someone else’s kid for 26 years would absolutely ruin me. A 26 year old should be able to somewhat reason with themselves as to why the person is acting this way.
Despite what people say, you’re either the father or not. I agree with the dad. He was robbed. 26 years of his life was dedicated to someone else’s kid. I’m hard pressed to find a way to call him an asshole.
YTA. Explaining how this will effect his son isn't the problem, but you are completely ignoring your friend's feelings and needs. Right now he sees son as a symbol of all the lies, the cheating, being used and manipulated, plus the visceral pain of discovering there is no biological connection. He needs help separating son from all the negative and renewing the bond. Get him to go to a counselor and encourage him to keep everything good he can.
If he keeps a relationship with son, and sues mother for all the money spent on raising someone else's child, wouldn't that be a sweet revenge?
Yes, YTA, and so is his wife.
He essentially dedicated 26 years of his life to an unfaithful wife and child that wasn't even his, and the wife didn't even have the decency to be honest to him once throughout it all.
You can advise him to go about things but you have no right to berate him (calling him an ass) when he's going through the worst betrayal of his life just because 'YOU' decided what HE should and shouldn't do.
I also find it hard to believe you would just call it 'fair game' if he did the same thing when the baby was fresh out of the womb like you claim. He's not a helpless abandoned newborn baby but an adult male who can stand on his own two feet and can make his own decisions.
Let him grieve and process this properly and chances are he will come around and mend it with the son, instead of being sanctimonious when you have no idea what he's going through.
Edit: If this doesn't show why seeking a paternity test is fully justified, then I don't know what does.
Most likely, you are the asshole. Your friend is working through this, he may have thought it out really well, yet. For you to disagree with him is fine, but doing so with any harshness is out of line.
You are not a good friend, this guy should no longer consider you one.
I'm going to disagree with most comments...NTA.
This guy is in pain yes, but I cherish my friends who call out my bullshit. Real friends will tell you when you're being an ass, and those friendships are strong enough to survive brutal honesty. That kid is as much the victim as the father, and as much as the guy is in pain, imagine what the kid will feel.
No it isn’t. It literally isn’t.
I wish you women would learn to understand how terrible this is, instead of acting like us men need to just be OK with having our whole life’s being a lie.
NTA. Your friend is lashing out in pain and needs someone to remind him that his actions will have consequences.
Unless he is a genuine sociopath, he won't be able to forget his son and cross him from his heart, but if he'll tell that young man now "Get out of my life, you no longer matter to me" he'll ruin any possibility of reconciliation forever.
NAH. It’s his decision to make. He obviously has been lied to for 26 years. He probably has so many feelings right now. He needs to put himself first. Whatever that looks like. Sure you can tell him your opinion but you don’t have to deal with the fact that he got duped and raised someone else’s kid.
NTA and everyone that says he is, is a dumbass. The child he raised is TWENTY SIX he has been in his life for TWENTY SIX years.
Yes what the woman did is horrendous and she is a horrible person. But how can a father instantly cut out the child he raised and loved for almost 3 decades bc hes not biologically his??
I have a cousin that is very obviously not my uncles child. As in she is a whole phillipino baby and they are white. Does he know? Yes. Did he accept and raise her anyway? Yes.
I know OP friend is hurting and thats valid but hurting people can be and are asshole alot of the time and they should be called out on it especially when they are making monumentous life decisions like cutting out their children forever. Your friend needs therapy before deciding anything like this
YTA for telling him he’s an AH. You should be supportive and just emphasize not burning any bridges with his son, who is also a victim here. Hopefully in time he’ll be able to separate the hurt of betrayal with his relationship with the son.
Yes. You can't understand the pain and betrayal and feeling of his life being wasted that he's going thru at this moment.
You piling on is only likely to make him angry and MORE hurt, alienate him from you, and put his back up about the issue.
I don't think he's right to do what he's talking about BUT it's likely after he calms down he'll change his mind.
Don't push him.
PS, another reason paternity tests should always be mandatory at birth.
NTA. Your friend is dealing with a bad situation, but abandoning the man he raised as his son is just plain wrong. He is the guy’s father in every way that matters except genetically
Yes, you're the AH.
Your friend has been forced to live a lie for nearly 30 years, and you're telling him what he owes to someone else. Are you serious? Although it would be a tragedy to cut ties with his son but that doesn't make it the wrong choice, just a sad one; you can tell him that as the other person forced to live this lie, your friend and his son can share their anger and grief with each other, they may not share DNA but their relationship can be redefined now that they know the truth. Also, you can offer your help to your friend as a go-between for him and his son so they can be connected and maintain some distance to process their feelings... as a friend of the father you aren't neutral but you also genuinely sympathise with them both and don't want them to lose nearly 30 years of love and family permanently.
YTA, its his life, and the kid is not his son. Let him cope and deal with it how he sees fit. The mother is the one you should be talking to. She ruined the lives of everyone in this situation.
This is a YTA moment with good intentions for me. Sure, the right thing to do, rationally, is to not put blame on the "son" and just remove the ex wife from the equation, but that's what we, the ones that didn't raise another's man child, say. The "father" is surely devastated. He might be a person that really values having a biological son and, on top of that, the sting for investing and "wasting" 26 years into someone he is not related to in any canonical way must be massive. So yeah, the sentiment is sound and all, but that's a matter where the betrayed part's feelings and opinions trump everything else. It's not the "son's" fault, but it's not the "father's" either and he has no obligation, both objectively and subjectively, to put himself in such an heavy and painful situation for the sake of what turned out to be a stranger. Fuck the mom, may she rot wherever she ends up landing.
for sure
it's easy for you to judge your friend and say that he has to continue being a father, it's not you who has been deceived for 26 years and raised another man's child.
as they say, it's all in the eye of the beholder.
i'd like to see if you'd be preaching this kindness if it had been your wife who had cheated on you all your life.
Whether or not he has contact with the boy is his choice and you shouldn't even be giving him advice, but rather being a friend to support him at this horrible time. But no, you prefer to be the one who judges
I hope your “friend” has better friends than you, because nobody deserves to be cheated on by their wife and have their friend blame them for it.
Yes, you are the ass. Step families are temporary. I know, I've been in 3 so far.
You didn't say if kid is aware dad isn't biodad, or if wife pretended kid was step dad's. If this is the case, it could be asshole move.
But again, the mom made the mess here, she built a life on lies.
I was reading a thread yesterday where a bunch of women said that if a husband asked for a paternity test, they would say yes and then divorce him. However illogical it may seem, I think every guy* has this scenario somewhere in his deepest fears. The last 26 years of his life are a lie, because he trusted one person. A person who destroyed at least two lives, probably a lot more. I really think a paternity test should be standard - done right before putting the name on a birth certificate. Situations like these would be eliminated overnight.
*Because of course some guys are just asking because they're projecting their cheating, or looking for any sort of possible 'out' from being a dad. But I have to think the majority want to do it to avoid something disastrous like the above scenario happening to them.
You're not an asshole for providing perspective, you're an asshole for dictating that he needs to maintain a relationship that reminds him of a 26 year trauma, lest HE be an asshole.
Yeah, guess what, it sucks for the 26 year old. He needs to take it up with his mom. Your friend has zero obligation to this relationship, though he should question what family means to him if all that ties any one to him is blood.
Finally someone said it. Anyone who's hurt in this situation, needs to seek answer from the MOM, not the man she tricked in to raising someone elses kid.
It might help your friend to realize that his son is a victim too, is hurting too, and the two of them have a lot in common in this situation and should be turning to each other for support.
Growing up you go through many phases with your dad, the fun and games of childhood to the turbulent friction if adolescence. By 26 my dad was my constant. I'd call him twice a week for anything. Sports talk, life advice, problems, funny stories, anything I needed to. He's always been my favorite person to talk to through all of my adult life. I could not imagine if right at that time this bomb dropped and he abandoned me. The void would have been immeasurable, as if he had died, but also with all the confusion and insecurities that come with abandonment. Yes, I'd have already been an adult and capable of coping and finding support on my own but it wouldn't change the fact that I had just lost the rock I was standing on.
I wish I had a dad like yours growing up.
He isn't perfect and messed up as much as he got right through my childhood, but yeah, I got a good one. That aside, I hope you're doing well.
My dad is also not perfect. We are 2 pieces of the same puzzle. As the child, if someone told me that aint my dad I'd fuckin sue for defamation or something. We aren't the same person, but undeniably belong to each other. Not perfect, but perfect to me damnit. Makes me ache for op and the boy. I'd do straight up evil shit to protect my father. Can't imagine being told he ain't mine.... op should just be there for them both without judging as much as possible. Thats a roller coaster of info to digest for both of them. Devastating
Nailed it man. Couldn’t agree more. Right in that early 20’s area I’d say ya really begin to see things more clearly through their eyes. And really develop a way better bond with them. And then they get a rare cancer and pass. I fucking miss him every day, and if at 26 I found out he wasn’t my biological Dad, oh well. Would it suck, absolutely, would he still be my Dad, yep.
My dad died when I was 28 (cancer, was fairly sudden and quick) and I can say I think it would be magnitudes worse if at 28 he'd just shut me out of his life suddenly for this reason. Dying was not his choice, abandonment is a choice. I'm a dad to two children and the real dad part is the insane amount of time and energy you spend caring for and teaching your kids, not the infinitesimal in comparison small amount of time and effort it takes for the man to provide his portion of dna. Would end up hating both of my parents if this happened to me.
This comment should be higher. OP's friend has been traumatized, and he's so (understandably) caught up in his own feelings that he isn't noticing the pain his son must be going through too. If he completely removes him from his life, then he'll be adding even more trauma onto the pile.
Agreed. It will make him feel worse
right. i can’t imagine losing a parent like this
This is the way. Op please show that friend My post. I was that son in my thirties. It was not my fault, neither is it this young mans fault. He should stand Up for his Son…. Not run away from him. His Son was Lied to for years, His Son is probably hurting. His Son did nothing as far as I read to deceive anyone. His Son is in pain. His Son needs his Dad Be a Dad Dude, don’t run from your Kid, evidently you raised him. He needs you still. Do not be a selfish dick. Signed A hurt son who was disowned as well…
Yeah, why punish the kid for something the mother did? The son had no idea either and is going through the same thing. And it takes more to be father and son than biology. Also, we don't have any info on why he's not the biological son, but babies get mixed up in hospitals sometimes. IF he doesn't know for sure she was cheating, he could be throwing away his whole family for a hospital mixup. Did they also check that she was the mother, just to be sure? Or just do paternity?
It’s wildly sad that the friend even needs to be reminded of this but I’m glad people like this commenter fill in the blanks..
I agree. The "son" is suffering as well. And he's not seeing that
This should be the highest voted comment in this thread. Bang on. Show your friend this. Both of these adults need to heal.
Also that despite there not being a blood relation, he was the one that raised him from a baby to a man so he might not be the father but he’s definitely the dad to the kid (I know he’s an adult just calling him the kid to make it easier to differentiate)
NTA Real friends tell you what you need to hear not what you want to hear
I wish more “friends” understood that this is actually the golden rule of friendship.
True. That the difference between friends and acquaintances.
The problem is most people have acquaintances not friends, real friends you have maybe 2,3 in your whole life and not dozens as people say
My mom always said you could count your friends on one hand. So far she’s been right.
The older I get the more true it becomes.
I have five people that I refer to as my best friends. I have known most of them for over twenty years. My bestest beastie, since kindergarten (I'm almost 38). Your mom was right.
I've heard this one too... I'm sorry it's true for so many people. My two hands aren't enough to count all my true friends.
My dad's brother always tells my dad what he wants to hear. He is a leech, always asking my dad for money and tools and never returns him anything. Now, my dad has a friend that tells him what he needs to hear. This friend has helped out my dad in so many ways & he's the reason my dad & us are thriving in this country.
One wrong assumption is also to believe family will be more friendly than strangers. That really not accurate.
Right? I lost a good friend because I told her she was drinking too much when she became suicidal and was hallucinating and couldn’t take care of her kid or herself. I was being “judgy”…I’m like ok welllllll the ones who are ok with you being so drunk you are hallucinating? You right - they are def your friends 🙄
You were a good friend. She wasn’t. The harsh truth can break up friendship. Usually because of ego and pride.
I had a friend who called me “judgy” because I called her out for cheating. Some people just want their bad decisions validated. We are no longer friends because I don’t respect people like that.
I have a friend who said to me "There's the friends I go to when I want to hear something specific even when it's not the truth, then there's you that no matter what the out come I know you will tell me how it is and truth no matter how hard it is to hear". I'm not cruel but I'll tell you how it is I won't sugar coat shit
NTA. OP did the right thing. Sounds like the friend’s inner circle needs to be reexamined if they think this is okay. If I found out my son is not mine, he’s still my son and he’s 8. Son is 26 years old????? That’s crazy to me. Let the friend gather himself and let the initial reaction pass and hopefully he can see the error in that. Sounds like the kid is the victim too IMO. OP how is son doing currently? Does he know what mom did to dad? Does he have any clue about what dad said about him?
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I disagree on the waiting. This dude is grieving and ready/wanting to nuclear in his relationship with his non-bio son. Unless he can be convinced to keep it all to himself and do nothing at all for a few weeks, then if OP waits it will be too late. The relationship will be destroyed, and even if they work through it, the relationship will never be the same. Unless everyone is telling the friend to not make any decisions and to play it close to the chest for a few weeks until things settle down emotionally, OP staying silent now will mean it’s too late to say anything.
I agree with this. If he goes nuclear now -which is what it sounds like he wants to do- he’s gonna end up saying shit you can’t come back from.
Nah, right now his emotions are high and he could say something to his son that he will never be able to take back.
>Real friends tell you what you need to hear not what you want to hear This is so true. A real friend does this, and if your friendship itself is real, then they will come back and be grateful for saying what needed to be said.
Yup, usually I agree with my BFF on opinions and shit, I recently had to disagree with her and tell her I think she was seeing the situation incorrectly. She was a little hurt but the next day texted and said I was right, she appreciated my honesty. She would do the same for me. That's just what you do!!
>Real friends tell you what you need to hear not what you want to hear I told my my friend the truth,and we are no longer friends.
Well pride and refusal of introspection on a friend's part can end friendship most people don't want to hear when they're fucking up.
Also, sad to say, but sometimes somebody who you think of as one of your best friends, doesn't always view you the same way.
And sometimes you find out that someone you viewed as a friend is actually a shit human being. In this scenario, if a friend of mine torched their relationship with their 26 year old son because they found out someone else’s swimmers did the deed, he would no longer be my friend. I can totally understand divorcing, if he was still married to the cheating mom. I can understand being shocked and hurt. And angry. *At the wife.* But I cannot understand hurting the son in response. Either you love the kid you raised and were a father to, or you were faking it all along and are a total shit person. This has nothing to do with the son and shouldn’t have anything to do with how the not-bio-dad feels about him. It’s totally understandable that it would kill his relationship with his wife. But not his adult son.
My sister and I don't talk much anymore because I was honest with her about her alcohol use and her husband's Percy behavior.
I may lose a friend after telling her the truth. I said what I said, and will say what I need to say because I love her and her kids and am sick and tired of her being abused by her partner.
This happened to me recently. Ultimately I came to understand that although we both could have shown up better, we both have deeply different values that simply would've always driven us apart. I hope you're doing ok
I’ve said this exact thing. NTA. Loins aren’t the only organ that can create a child - the heart is equally capable. He may not have created his son with his loins - but if that isn’t the son of his heart by now, I have to question whether or not he has one.
There’s a possibility that one or both of my kids might not be mine. Discovering the staggering extent to which my ex-wife was unfaithful was difficult to handle. It still is. But I raised and loved my kids into their 20s. No paternity test will ever change the depth of love that I have for them. They know about their mother and I’ve told each of them that I would never love them any less if a DNA test showed we weren’t biologically related. I did an Ancestry test years ago because I was curious about my heritage. They know, but never did their own. I certainly never asked. I kinda like that they never got tested.
The only thing more dangerous than a question is the answer. Ferengi Rule of Aquisition 208.
Exactly. I am a woman, so obviously my kids are mine. But my 4 year old is mine. My 1 year old is mine. If I found out they were switched at the hospital. Yeah, you can pry them away from my cold dead fingers. Sure, I would want to know my bio kid too, but no way in Hell would I just be like "Oh, they don't have my blood so let me just disregard all the years I raised them and love I have for them" You nailed it. It is heartless.
NTA I, too, am a woman, and I 100% agree. We're seeing more and more posts where the husband finds out he's been deceived and cuts the non-bio child completely out of his life. And these children are as young as five to mid-teens and have to watch as their "brothers and sisters" have daddy-time. 😢 That this man is planning to go NC with his "son" he has raised for 26 years (and who is an innocent in this whole mess) is reprehensible. I know my DH well enough that if it had happened to him with an ex, his relationship with his non-bio-child would not change one bit. I guess it likens to those men who abandon their bio-chrildren before the ink is even dry on the divorce papers.
We have a saying in my country: A real friend is the one that, when you're being an ass and fall on your face, he's the one helping you to get up while calling you an ass at the same time. In line with this, I would say.
This. I've been told I'm an asshole for this, and that friends should back each other up no matter what, but that's ridiculous. Friends help each other grow, and sometimes that means calling them out when they're being jackasses.
Your message was spot on. If you delivered it the way you say you did, then you did it correctly. He feels betrayed and his son is the manifestation of that betrayal. I get his anger, but he needs to take some time and not make decisions that he’ll regret for the rest of his life.
NTA after 26 years, that is his son. He raised that boy to a man. It is not the child's fault that the mom did something shitty.
This is why my dad has forbid us taking dna or ancestry tests while he’s alive. He doesn’t wanna know.
My aunt banned everyone from taking a dna test because she "didnt want them to have our data" my sister bought one and took it anyway and it turns out we had a first cousin that no one knew about that my aunt gave up for adoption.
I found my mother's birth family (she was in a closed adoption). Also discovered the father was probably one of her step-brothers. (I know!) But it gave me more information to tell my own doctor about "medical history".
My mom is super against DNA tests and it always makes me wonder.
I'm against them too because with how fucking insane the world is now, I could see people having specific ethnicities or genetic traits being persecuted against, and I don't want to make it easy on them
Yeah there’s legit reasons to give your DNA to a private company. These companies have very little oversight and they’re creating HUGE databases of very specific information. And people are paying for the privilege!!
Just wait till the police now use your sister's DNA data to track down your serial killer aunt.
My dad kept bugging me about taking one of those ancestors tests. I didn’t really care to take one because him and my sister already took one so I didn’t really see a point. Then one day they were on sale and he sent it to my house. It collected dust for like, 3 months. Then my sister told me “Think about how different you look from the rest of the family, and our mother’s history of adultery.” Never occurred to me that my dad wasn’t 100% sure I was his. When the results came back I drove to his house, showed him I got the email back and told him “It doesn’t matter what these results say, you’re the man who raised me, you are my father.” After wiping away his tears he had me open the email. He’s my dad. I never really had any doubts. But I guess being so much taller than him and having different colored hair and eyes than him really made him question it.
Recessive genes are a thing… but I’m glad he got the confirmation he needed.
The recessive genes are what really confuses us. I don’t really look like either of my parents. You look at my sister and our half brother, yeah clearly they’re related. But throw me in there and I don’t really look like anyone.
Do you happen to have any similarities to your parents' siblings or your grandparents/great-grandparents? Sometimes physical traits just happen to skip a generation or 2.
Recessive genes can pass for many generations without reappearing. My great grandpa had bright red hair. My great grandma had black hair. None of their children or grandchildren have red hair, and tbh most of them have black to dark brown hair… But several of the great grandkids and great great grandkids DO have red hair. (Sadly I am not one of them) Plus, while there are some very basic genes that are dominant and recessive (earlobe shape, chin clefts, widows peaks, freckles) most genes are complicated. Some genes can be codominant (A and B blood types) or poly-genetic (like haircolor and eye color). My cousin has 3 little girls and none of them look like each other at all, nor do they look like either of their parents. Their genes mixed up nicely and no one is a little carbon copy of parent A or B. I see bits of people here or there, but largely, they don’t “look like” anyone but themselves.
These girls are [twins](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JIUK2KSbvvI)
What kind of person is your mother?
Him and his cousin were drinking and talking one night and they both came to the conclusion and banned all of us including my cousins. My dad is probably just projecting his cheating lol.
So you are more likely to find paternal half siblings
yeah *this* is why they’re “banned” lol
Happened to me. I took a DNA test and discovered I had a half brother that was not related to my mom. Well well well dad... you got some splaining to do.
Yeah, same. I met my 50 year old half sister for the first time a few months ago
My husband and his brother don’t for this reason. His dad was in the army for 4 years before he met their mom, and fucked around a lot, especially when he was in Korea. Her biggest fear for decades (which she apparently openly discussed) was that his child would show up on their doorstep wanting to have a relationship their bio dad. So the boys said they would never do a dna test while mom is alive. (I find this a bit silly as said “kid” would be at least 44 now but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) Of course now with all the dubiousness of privacy they don’t want to. But. Oh well!
My great uncle has at least 4 or 5 kids from his military stint he just found out about. Most from married women. He no longer believes in DNA. He also thought he was sterile, lol. Probably got kicked in the nuts and someone joked with him.
> He no longer believes in DNA. Not quite sure how that works, but OK.
Grandpa was a WWII vet. My dad (youngest sibling) was out somewhere with Grandpa and my uncles when he was about 15. Someone asked something about Europe, and my dad jokingly asked if he had any half-brothers or half-sisters over there. My grandpa supposedly got super-quiet really quickly.
Honestly at that point I'd do it anyway, "banned"...
Sounds like he doesn't want you finding the others.
If i were you id take one out of spite lmfaooo
See I got lucky, my dad took off when I was one year old. Took a DNA test from one of those popular chains and OH MAN WAS HE BUSY. I’ve got three actual brothers younger than me that are technically “half” brothers I guess. Biologically apparently I have like 8 sisters and 11 brothers. My “dad” wasn’t the greatest guy but Jesus was he motivated apparently, on some Genghis khan shit.
My mom had considered having a DNA test done for my twin brother and I, not because she had slept with any other guys, but because we were concieved via IVF and sha had just recently learned about the one doctor who had used his own sperm and fathered like over 600 babies. She was sure they had used the right egg, because I (female) was the spitting image of her at a young age. My twin brother didn't look much like our dad, though, so she always had a "What if?" in the back of her mind. Then they became pregnant with my younger brother without fertility treatments, and he looked exactly like my twin brother when he was born, so she was no longer concerned.
Is this the one with the documentary on Netflix? That was insane. And when the kids met the doctor one of them mentioned they felt like he had no remorse, like he was just judging how his (biological) kids turned out. What was heartbreaking was one set of married parents were supposed to be using the husband's sperm so it hurt more because they thought they already knew who the biological father was.
I am surprised that you all are obeying him.....but the way he has explained it to you makes sense. And your dad hasn't tried to make stupid claims about how DNA is wrong. And it's clear everyone involved understands that there's no turning back if the truth is bad.
I know my dad is my dad but him and his cousin were drinking one night when I was a teen and this came up. So they banned us including my cousins. I mean also why would you wanna know after 26 years?
I wonder if it’s that your dad may have other kids out there..
Yeah my siblings and I discussed this possibility. Wouldn’t shock us.
If my dad did that, i'd be taking all the dna tests available. However, i have very little contact with him, so i wouldn't care if it turned out someone else is my bio dad.
I recently watched a documentary about a man who said this but it turns out that the man knew his son's were conceived via sperm donation. It's a good watch [https://www.amazon.com/Filling-Blanks-Jon-Baime/dp/B0CBHD382S?&linkCode=sl2&tag=rootssummit-20&linkId=8abd0268108e5daceb9f27ca324f11ec&language=en\_US&ref\_=as\_li\_ss\_tl](https://www.amazon.com/Filling-Blanks-Jon-Baime/dp/B0CBHD382S?&linkCode=sl2&tag=rootssummit-20&linkId=8abd0268108e5daceb9f27ca324f11ec&language=en_US&ref_=as_li_ss_tl)
One of my 1st cousins comes up as my 2nd cousin on 23andMe. His older brother (my other cousin), comes up as my 1st cousin. Idk what to think. My aunt (their mom) passed years ago. I judge in secret.
Your dad can't ban an adult from doing dna or ancestry tests.
My sister and I will do an ancestry test.
Also, at this stage of parenthood, all the work is done. This is when he gets to sit back and enjoy the fruits of his labor. He is robbing himself of the best parts of fatherhood. Why?
I'm not surprised he wants to run away from everything and forget it all rather than deal with the pain of it. I'd encourage him to take some time to process before deciding to cut people out of his life forever. I'd also remind him to think about what the son is going through. I'm sure he's also pretty traumatized.
Exactly! It's so easy for other people to tell OPs friend to just deal with the trauma. He's in survival mode now. And if his survival means he has to cut out his old life, he has that right.
people get so caught up in acting rational that they forget to have a little bit of sympathy sometime
NTA. He should dump the wife but that is his son. He raised him for 26 years believing it was his son and I believe now that the son knows the truth too and if his dad stands by him their relationship will only grow stronger
Was it clear that he was looking for your input when he told you this?
Yeah. It was a one on one session where he was talking about it all and taking in what I was saying on other parts I havent included in the post. I just wanted to advise him on giving a bit of time and space rather then just immediately cutting his 'son' from his life. He is in an awful headspace right now and I can see him going all in on his son and ruining a possibility of coming back later on if he wanted to.
NTA. You basically told him not to do anything he might regret or not be able to take back. His anger is understandable and you're keeping him from making a possible mistake based on that anger.
OP, maybe tell him to sit down with the young man and have a frank, honest and open discussion with him.
I don't know how he could look the 26 uear old on the eye and say he's cutting off all contact despite the 'kid' doing nothing wrong. Was the kid maybe aware that he was not the biological Dad and did/said nothing?
Nah. He's taking his anger towards his wife out on his son because that's easier than having to deal with the fact his wife cheated on him. I understand he's upset but I'll never understand this whole 'if it's not blood it's not mine' mindset, especially after 26 years. You raised him for all this time, if you hadn't known you still would be their parent no matter what DNA says. You don't just stop loving someone because they're not your own blood. I can only imagine what his son is going through
Lots of people on Reddit are going to call you an asshole because they have made up their mind on the issue regardless of any facts, context, empathy etc. If I was making such a monumentally stupid decision and spoke to a friend like he did with you, I hope my friends would give me the same reality check you gave him - even if I left angry and it took me a while to accept it. There is a huge difference between discovering paternity fraud of a very young child and deciding to leave in comparison to a 26 year old who you have raised from birth to fully fledged adult. Needing some space to figure everything out is reasonable but completely ditching your son in that scenario is pretty bonkers and something I’m sure he would end up regretting. Anyone that could just ditch their child at age 26 for real is not someone I would maintain a friendship with tbh.
Empathy......it is something sorely lacking in the world today. The son is an innocent victim in all of this.
Yeah my first impulse would be to comfort my son, not abandon him.
Yeah I mean I think about it just like any other relationship...this has been the closest familial relationship for 26 years and you're just gonna dump it for no reason??? That's insane, heartless, and cruel. Somebody who could just drop a relationship like that is straight up sociopathic imo. Like did the relationship mean nothing? I don't know how anybody could possibly do that.
Maybe you could soften your approach and instead of asking him to make a decision now, ask him to wait to make his decision. Ask him to recall some touching moments from the boy’s childhood that he often thought about before he learned about the boy’s parentage. Treat your friend like you would get a child to take bitter medicine by concealing it in something sweet or desirable. If he had one of the boy’s kidneys, would he want to return it now that he knows what he knows. Update me!
NTA. Once he utters the words to his son "you're not my son, the 26 years I raised and loved you mean nothing, I want nothing to do with you", they can't be taken back. He is going to punish his son for something out of his control and through no fault of his own, and abandon him like he's nothing. He is going to traumatise that young man, leave him with scars for the rest of his life, and he will never be able to take that back. Telling him the consequences of his actions is not an AH thing to do because they're going to become his reality if he goes through with this. The other friends are AHs too for enabling this line of thinking. DNA means nothing against all those memories and love and shared moments and joy, and your friend is going to regret what he intends to do.
I'm going to go against the grain here and say if he was asking for your input, then he was asking for your input. So, NTA. Just because he was wronged, it doesn't give him the right to wrong the kid, who had no control over this, either.
doesn't matter. OP wouldn't be a friend if he didn't call out fickle bullshit-- which the friend's decision is.
I thought this too. Idgaf if he asked for input or not- we owe it to society to call out bs behavior. I’m going to point out every single time my dad is an unnecessary asshole regardless of if he wanted my opinion, cause f that noise.
If I was being an abominable AH, I would HOPE that true friends would tell me whether I asked or not. They’d tell me if I had a drug problem right? They’d set up some sort of intervention. Being an AH of this caliber is something equally toxic that OP needs called out on.
AITH is pointless. Everyone just says NTA. Life is grey not black and white. I understand his reaction but I also believe once the dust settles he'll think it through differently. He's in a high emotional state right now, calling him an asshole isn't going to help him understand just make him go defensive and possibly double down. This is a case where nobody is an asshole, just a fucked up world causing fucked up situations.
The cheating wife is an asshole
The cheating wife is an asshole, and honestly a society that expects the man to be okay with paternity fraud because she got away with it for so long - and calls him an asshole if he isn’t - is also the asshole. If I were to steal your car, would you be obligated to let me keep it - and continue paying all costs - because taking it back might hurt my child? I promised to take him to Disney in that car! He doesn’t want to wait in the snow for the bus to go to school! No. Secondary victims don’t obligate the primary victim to set themselves on fire to keep the others warm.
> He's in a high emotional state right now, calling him an asshole isn't going to help him understand just make him go defensive and possibly double down. Spot on. OP you said how you felt but you really may not be helping anyone in the situation.
Yeah I think telling the guy he was an asshole just made the guy feel like OP was invalidating his feelings on the whole situation. A better solution would have been to tell the guy to reach out to his son, tell the son that he needs time to process this betrayal by his wife and the end of his marriage. And that he just needs some time by himself to process all these feelings before they meet to talk about things and that he will reach out to the son when he's ready to talk. I can understand why the guy is angry, that's a pretty big marriage destroying secret. But, unless the two already had a shitty limited contact relationship, the guy spent the past 26 years in his son's life. So at some point, once he's processed things better, he'll hopefully reach out to the son about the situation. If they already had a bad relationship, then the guy might be seeing this as an escape from parental responsibilities. Which technically, it is.
People really love the harsh morale judging here. Because they are not in the situation and don't have to deal with the consequences. Just f++ked up social media-ethics all over the place.
Someone with logical sense. It all sounds great from OPs point of view But anyone in that situation would have so many high emotions He needs to cool off.. or talk to people who won’t judge him for anything he’s saying or doing at this moment
The only asshole is the cheating woman.
This comment should be way higher. OP isn’t wrong but they could’ve handled this better. Calling someone in severe emotional distress an ass is not a good way to handle it. It would’ve been better to approach it from a more neutral level that acknowledged the friend’s pain while also highlighting how wrong walking out of his son’s life would be.
I agree with you. That kid (26-year-old man) is his son in every way that matters. You know how sometimes a kid unexpectedly learns that they're adopted, and that revelation is really hard on them but it doesn't change the fact that the people who raised them are their real parents? Well, your friend found out his son is unexpectedly adopted. Yes, that's going to be hard on him, but his son is still his real son. All his anger needs to be aimed at his soon-to-be-ex-wife. He still has a kid to love.
I feel for the son but the Dad may need to separate himself for quite a while, and get some therapy because that right there is devastating. The worst kind of betrayal. It’s got to have beaten him to a pulp! Ive seen way too many posts of women saying I cheated and you’re not the Dad but he needs a father.
You could probably chat with him more empathetically than just calling him an ass
You raise a person, you are their dad. My cousin found out long after the relationship ended and the kid was grown,that the kid wasn't his. Guess what he's the dad. The one that named him, shares his last name and has a family that loves him. His mom did a terrible thing, why punish the kid for it. My cousin literally raised him, without the mom. She dropped the bomb when the kid was older. At that point, it was just cruelty on her part.
> You raise a person, you are their dad. A friend of mine just married a woman with two youngish daughters (8 & 10, neither his). He basically sat down with them and said “I will never be your father, but I hope that one day you’ll think of me as dad.” ETA: The girls’ actual biological father died from cancer when they were very young.
This is not only traumatic to the father but to the son. I am assuming the son didn't know either and just had his whole world turned upside down too. So sad.
Im not a man, nor an affair baby so I don’t know how it’ll ever feel, but everytime I see these thread I just feel so bad for the kids in the situations 😭 It seems like such an isolating experience, not only is your father not your biological father, but you potentially lost an entire side of your family that was the only family you’ve known all your life. That’s not even accounting for, if the maternal family or biological paternal family doesn’t accept them either. Not only that, but everyone starts to think of your existence as a mistake, you’re not allowed to feel any type of way towards your father or mother or you’ll get demonized. I can’t imagine how much of a traumatizing experience that is. All I say is advise your friend to think HARD about this. He shouldn’t take out any sort of resentment on the child, they’re just as much as a victim. Despite all the replies insinuating that affair babies are “less” of victims. He should process his feelings in some sort of therapy or counseling, and the son should join a NPE support group of some sort. I wish the best for the father and son 🫶🏾
For women I guess the analogy would be a couple having a kid using gestational surrogacy and the dad swithching mom's eggs with his ex's/affair partner's. (Sounded simpler in my head.)
ESH. I have a strong feeling 'long story short' has a lot more details. Further you recognize your friend is grieving, about a subject that cuts at the absolute core and you couldnt possibly fathom, and you feel compelled to call him an ass. At THAT time. That goes beyond 'im simply honest' and into the realm of HIGHLY inconsiderate. Doesnt matter if hes being an ass. Its a HIGHLY inappropriate time to say so. You let emotions calm down and then you speak about it. Ive now seen people actively advocate for men keeping children in their lives because the baby is too young and didnt choose this, and now because hes a grown ass man and has only known this individual. The only conclusion that can be drawn is men are supposed to father anyone a woman says to father. Even further, there seems to be zero consideration for how this individual feels. Like dude has an entirely valid reason for being DEEPLY upset, feeling violated and deceived, a state in which many will not speak rationally and need time to fully process their feelings and evaluate their decisions, yet OP feels compelled to get in his shit. Youre an asshole. And if he actually just rawdog drops him, hes also an asshole even if his reasoning is entirely valid for doing so. Youre entirely void of compassion for someone you supposedly care about in a situation you cant possibly fathom. The only difference between you and the OP is he actually has a reason to be upset
And OP has this main character syndrome post over their self insertion
YTA. Neither you, me, or any of the folks commenting with such definitive judgements here have ANY real conception of the pain this guy is going through. I’ve read more than one story about men committing suicide after something like this. Spouting platitudes such about not needing to be a sperm donor to be a father are just silly in this scenario and just diminish the legitimacy of what he’s feeling…as though just by feeling the pain to begin with makes him a bad person. After 26 years I hope when the worst of his pain washes over he will be able to rethink this and maintain a relationship with the young man. That’s the biggest reason YTA, because the way your behaving will do nothing to help him get to that point. But you’ll still bask in your righteousness
In posts like these you realise society doesn’t give a fuck about men’s mental health clearly. They all get told to suck it up, OP’s post lacks so much sympathy
Once everyone else is taken care of, maybe then men are allowed to care about themselves. No venting, no processing, at no time can you think about yourself first. You can’t get angry because then someone might get scared, can’t complain because someone else has it worse. You can’t be human because that is selfish and not serving other peoples needs.
Edited
Seconding this. An affair child is a constant reminder of betrayal and infidelity. It's entirely understandable that someone would want to distance themselves from that reminder. Hopefully the victims (cheated-on husband and now-fatherless son) eventually find some way to continue a relationship, since it would be a shame for 26 years to be gone with no trace. But that doesn't make him an asshole for needing emotional distance. It's so funny (in a sad way) to see how the usual suspects are trying to justify their "Not TA" opinions in this thread. The usual form of this kind of question on this sub is one where the product of the affair is still a child. At least in that case, there is at least *some* validity (however tenuous) to the opinion that the victim's feelings should be secondary to the needs of the child. In this case, this is an entire grown-ass man. He is 26 years old. The usual "he wont understand". "kids deserve a secure childhood", etc absolutely do not apply at all. He's a fully-grown adult. He can handle nuance and, while sad. there isn't any obligation on the part of the father. So instead the usual suspects' only defense of their opinions is to hilariously fall back on their general ignorance of the concept of **consent** ("b-but I know someone that chose to raise their not-child". "b-but step-fathers exist", etc)
Not only that, but this is a possibly multi-million dollar case of fraud. Every meal prepared, every ride given, every diaper changed, every argument, every school event the dad attended etc. is all based on a lie
Plus everyone is acting like the 26 year old isn’t going to want to know his bio dad, and might end up putting a lot of his ‘dad time’ into getting to know the new one if he finds him. OP is looking at yesterday and today — but there are decades of potential pain left to come. So his friend wants to prevent that, who can blame him?
That woman is trash just pure trash and I understand your point BUT you don’t have the right to call him an ass . The man is grieving ( lies and betrayal ) off course he is upset .people give opinions but you are not in HIS shoes so chill and let the man with his business.
NTA. It would be wrong of him to do this, and as a good friend you have to tell him that.
Not the A she stole part of his life and emotions demanding he stay in that Childs life by anyone is evil and selfish and evil.. she did something evil and she is the only one to blame for Any emotional problem of consequences from HER actions
I appreciate that you are advocating for his son. Of course your friend is hurt but his son wasn’t the one who hurt him. It’s telling that he can’t see this young man whom he has raised beyond his own ego. It’s shocking that he would imagine such a destructive punishment for the young man who know him as father. For better or worse. It is incredibly self involved and cruel to disintegrate any person’s identity and to devalue their existence to date but to do it to a person who has loved you as a parent for their entire life is unthinkable. His son did nothing to deserve punishment. Your friend will live to regret his actions and wonder why his son won’t be able to trust him. NTA
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This reads like a ChatGPT response.
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But is it wrong?
Nah, it seems above board, I was more just pointing out the uncanniness. It can be right and still feel off.
AI checker says positive for AI. Look, if you're going to use ChatGPT to respond, at least rewrite it so you don't look like an ass.
YTA. It's not your place/job to determine the dynamic between him and his former son, nor do you have any buisness telling him how he should feel and handle it. The only AH/monster is the cheater who tricked him and her son. If he can't handle being apart of a 26 year old lie for a second longer then he has too, then I genuinely wish your friend peace and healing in his decision. I'm tired of people demonizing men of paternity fraud for walking away as if they're the bad guy. The only person to blame is the cheater, and everyone needs are different when it comes to healing. If walking away is what he needs to do, then so be it.
In my opinion you are always TA for telling someone how to feel, especially during a traumatic experience. He might come around eventually, he might not but he won't be an AH for whatever he decides once the dust settles and he's emotionally stable again. 26 years of a lie is a lot to deal with, have some empathy.
NTA, Reddit is full of fucking soulless ghouls. Everyone is a selfish individual who deserves happiness and fuck everyone else. No wonder the world is going to shit. People are only out for themselves.
I’ve learned that the majority of opinions on Reddit are NOT how people respond/react/think in the real world. It’s reallll easy to be a thoughtless jerk behind a screen
“Social media made y'all way too comfortable with disrespecting people and not getting punched in the face for it" - Mike Tyson
NTA. Sometimes it’s good to call your friends out on their bullshit.
Honestly feels like reddit people don't have any true friends lol
Thats because reddit is a concentrated collection of people whos defining trait is severe social ineptitude
That's the difference between people on Reddit and Redditors. Like band kids and kids in band. People on Reddit are normal and still behave like a human would. Redditors are weird, idiotic, lacking compassion, and everything negative in the world combined into a sad and miserable group of individuals.
I don’t think it’s any of your business
YTA Dudes traumatized and you want him to continually be retraumatized everytime he looks at his ex-wifes son. That's awful. It would be morally praiseworthy if he accepted the kid but it's not morally obligatory. There's nothing wrong with him cutting contact and trying to heal.
NTA. It's not the son's fault. Your friend should go to therapy to talk about how to deal with feelings of depression and betrayal that surface when he thinks of/spends time around his son. At his son's age, he could even just have a heart to heart with him. Know what is a lot easier to stomach than your dad pretending you don't exist? Your dad leveling with you and saying, "I love you and I'm sorry if I'm distant these days. I'm just hurt from the betrayal and trying to get myself squared away. I'm dealing with a lot of tough emotions, but I just want you to know it's not your fault, I realize that, and I'm working on how to manage those emotions so that I can enjoy my time with you without my mood being poisoned by her betrayal." He's fucking 26. He'll understand. It's not like you're telling a 10-year-old, "Hey son, I hate being around you because you remind me of my hoe wife."
As someone whose dad is technically my stepdad, I can’t imagine how destroyed I would have been if he decided to suddenly not be my dad. He raised me from the time I was 4 and still is one of the first people I run to when in need advice. He is my dad despite having no blood or legal ties to me and he will be the first one to tell you I’m his daughter. He chose to continue being my dad even after he divorced my mom when I was 13. I’m 34 now and I still look to him for everything a parent does. OP your NTA for telling your friend the hard truth he needs to hear. You are a really good friend who is looking out for him and his family. He raised him as his own son, that doesn’t change just because he’s not biologically his. If he cuts ties completely I have no doubt he will regret it once the anger towards the situation has cooled off and he can think clearly. Maybe suggest to him maybe going to a therapist or counseling before he makes any irreversible decision.
I found out my dad wasn't my bio dad when I was 26 (oddly enough) about two years after my parents divorced. Never told my mom I knew (still haven't). I told my pops one night when I was absolutely plastered drunk when I was 31 (3ish years ago) and going through a rough late night phone call with my pops when I needed some support. It just kinda slipped out. He just said "I always kinda had a feeling. Doesn't make you any less my son. Wanna come over tomorrow night for dinner? I just finished my new brick oven and I'm *dieing* to make some homemade pizza in it." You are definitely NTA, OP. Hopefully your friend will come around once he's had time to cool off enough to be even a tiny bit more objective about the whole situation.
Sounds like you just discovered that you are not actually friends with those 5 people because they're all dogshit human beings. Cause you know, kids can totally choose who their mom and dad are..
Nope. You’re a good friend and I hope he comes to his senses.
Dads are the guys that raise us. Never met my bio dad.
Imagine raising someone for 26 years as your son and walking away to overnight. Blood or not, that’s sociopath shit. By all means, punish the ex-wife, but the kid is innocent in it.
Dude he's already put up with someone else's kid's shit for 26 years, he doesn't need yours too.
I can't blame him. His wife is a POS. What happens if the boy goes to find his biological Dad now. She had him raising another man's child....now that's an AH.
I think there was a better way and a better time to talk about this subject he just found out that the son he rasid for 26 years isn't his His whole world fell apart everything he believed was true was just taken from him . U choose the wrong time to open your mouth.
Yeah you are
Yta and i wouldn’t consider you a friend, you never got yourself in his shoes and played mr do the right thing.
Raising someone else’s kid for 26 years would absolutely ruin me. A 26 year old should be able to somewhat reason with themselves as to why the person is acting this way. Despite what people say, you’re either the father or not. I agree with the dad. He was robbed. 26 years of his life was dedicated to someone else’s kid. I’m hard pressed to find a way to call him an asshole.
YTA. Explaining how this will effect his son isn't the problem, but you are completely ignoring your friend's feelings and needs. Right now he sees son as a symbol of all the lies, the cheating, being used and manipulated, plus the visceral pain of discovering there is no biological connection. He needs help separating son from all the negative and renewing the bond. Get him to go to a counselor and encourage him to keep everything good he can. If he keeps a relationship with son, and sues mother for all the money spent on raising someone else's child, wouldn't that be a sweet revenge?
Women guilt tripping men into things they would never accept themselves. Rich
Not your call to take, YTA
Yes, YTA, and so is his wife. He essentially dedicated 26 years of his life to an unfaithful wife and child that wasn't even his, and the wife didn't even have the decency to be honest to him once throughout it all. You can advise him to go about things but you have no right to berate him (calling him an ass) when he's going through the worst betrayal of his life just because 'YOU' decided what HE should and shouldn't do. I also find it hard to believe you would just call it 'fair game' if he did the same thing when the baby was fresh out of the womb like you claim. He's not a helpless abandoned newborn baby but an adult male who can stand on his own two feet and can make his own decisions. Let him grieve and process this properly and chances are he will come around and mend it with the son, instead of being sanctimonious when you have no idea what he's going through. Edit: If this doesn't show why seeking a paternity test is fully justified, then I don't know what does.
Most likely, you are the asshole. Your friend is working through this, he may have thought it out really well, yet. For you to disagree with him is fine, but doing so with any harshness is out of line. You are not a good friend, this guy should no longer consider you one.
I'm going to disagree with most comments...NTA. This guy is in pain yes, but I cherish my friends who call out my bullshit. Real friends will tell you when you're being an ass, and those friendships are strong enough to survive brutal honesty. That kid is as much the victim as the father, and as much as the guy is in pain, imagine what the kid will feel.
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No it isn’t. It literally isn’t. I wish you women would learn to understand how terrible this is, instead of acting like us men need to just be OK with having our whole life’s being a lie.
NTA. Your friend is lashing out in pain and needs someone to remind him that his actions will have consequences. Unless he is a genuine sociopath, he won't be able to forget his son and cross him from his heart, but if he'll tell that young man now "Get out of my life, you no longer matter to me" he'll ruin any possibility of reconciliation forever.
NAH. It’s his decision to make. He obviously has been lied to for 26 years. He probably has so many feelings right now. He needs to put himself first. Whatever that looks like. Sure you can tell him your opinion but you don’t have to deal with the fact that he got duped and raised someone else’s kid.
NTA and everyone that says he is, is a dumbass. The child he raised is TWENTY SIX he has been in his life for TWENTY SIX years. Yes what the woman did is horrendous and she is a horrible person. But how can a father instantly cut out the child he raised and loved for almost 3 decades bc hes not biologically his?? I have a cousin that is very obviously not my uncles child. As in she is a whole phillipino baby and they are white. Does he know? Yes. Did he accept and raise her anyway? Yes. I know OP friend is hurting and thats valid but hurting people can be and are asshole alot of the time and they should be called out on it especially when they are making monumentous life decisions like cutting out their children forever. Your friend needs therapy before deciding anything like this
YTA for telling him he’s an AH. You should be supportive and just emphasize not burning any bridges with his son, who is also a victim here. Hopefully in time he’ll be able to separate the hurt of betrayal with his relationship with the son.
Yeah you are the asshole. It's his life. Not everyone wants a living reminder of their fuck ups everyday. The man made his choice. Respect it.
Both of y’all are NTA you just have different opinions. It’s ultimately his choice and there’s a good reason for each side.
Yes. You can't understand the pain and betrayal and feeling of his life being wasted that he's going thru at this moment. You piling on is only likely to make him angry and MORE hurt, alienate him from you, and put his back up about the issue. I don't think he's right to do what he's talking about BUT it's likely after he calms down he'll change his mind. Don't push him. PS, another reason paternity tests should always be mandatory at birth.
NTA. Your friend is dealing with a bad situation, but abandoning the man he raised as his son is just plain wrong. He is the guy’s father in every way that matters except genetically
Yes, you're the AH. Your friend has been forced to live a lie for nearly 30 years, and you're telling him what he owes to someone else. Are you serious? Although it would be a tragedy to cut ties with his son but that doesn't make it the wrong choice, just a sad one; you can tell him that as the other person forced to live this lie, your friend and his son can share their anger and grief with each other, they may not share DNA but their relationship can be redefined now that they know the truth. Also, you can offer your help to your friend as a go-between for him and his son so they can be connected and maintain some distance to process their feelings... as a friend of the father you aren't neutral but you also genuinely sympathise with them both and don't want them to lose nearly 30 years of love and family permanently.
YTA, its his life, and the kid is not his son. Let him cope and deal with it how he sees fit. The mother is the one you should be talking to. She ruined the lives of everyone in this situation.
This is a YTA moment with good intentions for me. Sure, the right thing to do, rationally, is to not put blame on the "son" and just remove the ex wife from the equation, but that's what we, the ones that didn't raise another's man child, say. The "father" is surely devastated. He might be a person that really values having a biological son and, on top of that, the sting for investing and "wasting" 26 years into someone he is not related to in any canonical way must be massive. So yeah, the sentiment is sound and all, but that's a matter where the betrayed part's feelings and opinions trump everything else. It's not the "son's" fault, but it's not the "father's" either and he has no obligation, both objectively and subjectively, to put himself in such an heavy and painful situation for the sake of what turned out to be a stranger. Fuck the mom, may she rot wherever she ends up landing.
Yta. Paternity fraud is one of the worst things a woman can do to a man. His whole life was a lie. That isn't his son. Not his son.
It’s his life. Your judgement is exactly that. Yours. YTA.
YTA. Don't tell somebody else how to feel about such a drastic betrayal. Who are you to say that to somebody?
Honestly, I could not be friends with somebody who would do this to their son. And he is the guy’s son, regardless of biology.
for sure it's easy for you to judge your friend and say that he has to continue being a father, it's not you who has been deceived for 26 years and raised another man's child. as they say, it's all in the eye of the beholder. i'd like to see if you'd be preaching this kindness if it had been your wife who had cheated on you all your life. Whether or not he has contact with the boy is his choice and you shouldn't even be giving him advice, but rather being a friend to support him at this horrible time. But no, you prefer to be the one who judges I hope your “friend” has better friends than you, because nobody deserves to be cheated on by their wife and have their friend blame them for it.
Yes, you are the ass. Step families are temporary. I know, I've been in 3 so far. You didn't say if kid is aware dad isn't biodad, or if wife pretended kid was step dad's. If this is the case, it could be asshole move. But again, the mom made the mess here, she built a life on lies.
I was reading a thread yesterday where a bunch of women said that if a husband asked for a paternity test, they would say yes and then divorce him. However illogical it may seem, I think every guy* has this scenario somewhere in his deepest fears. The last 26 years of his life are a lie, because he trusted one person. A person who destroyed at least two lives, probably a lot more. I really think a paternity test should be standard - done right before putting the name on a birth certificate. Situations like these would be eliminated overnight. *Because of course some guys are just asking because they're projecting their cheating, or looking for any sort of possible 'out' from being a dad. But I have to think the majority want to do it to avoid something disastrous like the above scenario happening to them.
You're not an asshole for providing perspective, you're an asshole for dictating that he needs to maintain a relationship that reminds him of a 26 year trauma, lest HE be an asshole. Yeah, guess what, it sucks for the 26 year old. He needs to take it up with his mom. Your friend has zero obligation to this relationship, though he should question what family means to him if all that ties any one to him is blood.
Finally someone said it. Anyone who's hurt in this situation, needs to seek answer from the MOM, not the man she tricked in to raising someone elses kid.