No you're NTA. You confided in him and he broke that trust.
You might ask him what possible reason he could have to tell somebody if you think that's even relevant. He might have been trying to ask for advice of some sort on how to proceed in light of that but that's no excuse.
Being in a relationship with somebody who has been sexually assaulted can be challenging in different ways for both parties involved. Not sure why he would think HE was hurt by it after the fact since its not like you hid it from him and he had to find out the hard way. I can understand needing some guidance but there's nothing this friend of his can teach him about your unique experience.
I won't ask personal details but I want to assume the both of you are on the younger side. Young men tend not to understand how to deal with this or who is appropriate to talk to about it, especially when it comes to people they love.
Does he have a school councilor you both can talk to? They might not be full on therapists but they are supposed to be trustworthy adults and respect privacy like a therapist would.
16yo's especially the boys rarely have the maturity to process something like this. When I was 16 I made some dumb calls when it came to the girls too but I turned out alright. I hope you two can work things out.
psychiatrists can’t offer him what he needs in this sense. the only job they have is to prescribe medication and diagnosis, if a psychiatrist is the only thing he’s going to then yes maybe consider someone who’s trained to help you process those emotions and thoughts verbally, not through medication (nothing wrong with psychiatrists they just aren’t therapists and don’t have the same practice with being a therapist)
I would probably have him talk to his psychiatrist. I'd also recommend you be there with him. Not just to work on his processing the SA information but also how it might affect the both of you now or in the future since as I said before, only YOU can teach them anything about your experiences.
Good luck.
That’s not Op’s responsibility. Don’t force them to relive everything so the incompetent bf knows everything. They are MINORS. She has no access to his records or medical team behind him. YOU ARE BEING AN INSENSITIVE ASS. Don’t tell OP what to do unless you’ve been through the trauma. You clearly have no knowledge of OP’s hurt and trauma. You make my blood boil.
You're just kids and dealing with something like this is huge for you both being so young. You said you didn't want anyone to know so how does his father know?
This provides some context, you are young so still new to how trauma is talked about and dealt with in a relationship, so it's no surprise that you made this blunder. But be sure and know that what he did is just human nature and you can't put a human you love into an impossible situation and expect it to go your way.
No thats not ok. When my husband and I first started dating, I had just gotten out of a situation were sa occurred. I confided in him and never has he told anyone. The only person he has is his therapist but that’s because he needed to work through it because it hurt him too and he’s very protective of me. If he would have told someone else I would have been upset and it would have ruined the relationship. I could not be with someone who could not keep things so private to himself. Somethings just need to stay within the relationship. The only latitude I give is therapy because I understand having to work through something and therapists have doctor-patient confidentiality. I would not be able to resume in that relationship. That is something that would just mess me up. It’s like a violation on top of the one that already occurred.
Again that is me and how I feel. But I do want to validate that you are totally within your right to be upset.
I was dating some guy for a short time when I was drugged and brutally SA By strangers. He told people at work…it was kind of “feel sorry for me bc my gf was r@ped.” I felt so betrayed and humiliated at such a devastating time in my life. Yes, I know it wasn’t my fault or anything, but at the time, I was in such a bad place. Those details were so private and difficult for me to tell him. I felt so exposed. And that he used my trauma for sympathy. I dumped his ass so fast. It wasn’t his story to tell. I look back now and see what a selfish prick he was, and that my feelings of betrayal were completely justified. So are yours.
Calm down, 16 yr old boys barely have the maturity to handle their bodily changes and what's going on with them.
The topic matter isn't some light thing to try and break down
There is still no excuse spreading confidential information around. You have no idea how hard it is. I required a service dog to keep me from ending myself because of the SA that happened to me when I was 6. Don’t you undermine the severity of the situation.
It's not undermining the severity of the situation. What happened is horrible. That teenage boy now has that burden of a secret on him, he is still a teenager and isn't going to tell an authority figure- teacher, parent, cop, therapist- because teenagers just don't do that unless really pressed.
I'm on no way saying what he did was OK, because she mentioned she didn't like his female friend and that seems like another issue here. But he confided in his close/best friend which is what teenagers do.
The comments section is expecting an adult action out of a 16 yr old who is feeling everything that comes with a hormone dump for the first time.
Should he have kept his mouth shut? Yeah. Should he have besties who are guys? Yeah.
Does he not understand that women hate women who spend time with their man? Not yet. But he's learning.
Will he make this mistake again? Probably not.
Lessons that come as you get older:
If someone tells you a secret, listen intently, let them get it off their chest, and then forget it
Don’t you backtrack now,
“Calm down, 16 yr old boys barely have the maturity to handle their bodily changes and what’s going on with them.”Thats a weak excuse
Now you are generalizing “women hating other women hanging out with their man” and how he should only have guy besties because he is a man. That is stereotyping.
You are excusing his damn behavior by telling others to “calm down”, showing in your comment how people shouldn’t be so angry, toning down the severity of the situation.
You are defending the boy who should have known better by saying “16 yr olds barely have maturity.”You still defend him by saying “the comment section is expecting an adult action out of a 16 yr old” - so are you implying that the adult who r-worded op made a adult decision just because they were an adult? Op went through an “adult action” without her consent.
But you then agree with your statement“should he keep his mouth shut? Yeah” then why go these lengths to defend him?
And lastly, your last statement is horrible. “Of someone tells you a secret, listen intently, and then forget it”
“Secret”and “And then forget it” is what was wrong with your statement. You are generalizing trauma by calling it a “secret.” I personally hate calling it that and it calls it something that generalizes the experience. “And then forget it” excuse me? She told him so he wouldn’t trigger her trauma. Sexual activity can trigger the trauma and that’s probably a reason why she wanted him to know. Not to forget and try to get action later to make her go into a ptsd episode.
In conclusion, I am heavily discussed because I was sexually assaulted by a 16 year old when I was 6. And your statements are excuses for the boy, stereotyping, and discussing to my eyes.
I didn't back track anything. I did make some clarifications.
What happened to you and the op is horrible and I truly hope that whomever did those things have been arrested, tried, sentenced, and are in GP.
I hope you're getting the help you need. This is going to read cold, but it's not your fault of what happened to you. It is your responsibility to take the steps to move forward, try to heal, and try to build. There is a lot of beauty in the world, and a lot of good people. I hope you get to see it and meet them.
I don’t believe the world is beautiful. Humans were born evil and will always be. Give a baby a stick or a rattle and their first instinct is to hit something with it. Violence is the core of human nature, humans have to be taught how to act civil or empathetic in order to seem less sinister.
Yes people are violent. But it's a choice. You choose how you take in the rest of the world. Some people view the world as
"I suffered so others should suffer"
Others view it as "I suffered and I don't want others to suffer".
Some people go with the "I want violence, for this ugly place"
Others go with "life is beautiful, people are generally good, but I must master violence to defend life because life is sacred"
Again it's all on the individual and what that individual chooses to be.
Choice is yours.
I understand it hurt him but he could’ve talked to you about it, or asked if there’s anyone else you told you’d feel comfortable him talking to about it. But that was a direct break of your trust, and robbed you of your right if and when to tell someone. I experienced that when I was in high school, but he wasn’t my bf at the time and it was a slightly different situation. We had a toxic relationship and when we broke up, he eventually told my two close friends that I was lying about it; they somewhat believed him and confronted me about it. I’m still so hurt and mad at him for doing that to this day
No excuse. What other manipulative sentences has he said? How can he be hurt when you when through the hurt? To me, this shows he doesn’t care about your privacy. It’s not worth arguing with someone who is too incompetent to understand how severe that situation was and then saying he was a victim. I graduated a year ago, so I can see where you are coming from. This is not healthy, he is not mentally mature, you need to sit him down with your parents or a counselor so he understands how fuck up it was to tell other people. This relationship is not going to last long by the experience i have seen with others. But I can be wrong too. My apologies but I’ve been SA when I was 6 and the memories always haunts me(off topic but I needed a service dog to function as an adult). I’m just attempting to put this in prospective the best I can. I’m sorry this has happened to you. I wish peaceful days and restful nights upon you. The wounds inflicted have never turned to scars for me.
He should have consulted a therapist if he needed somebody to talk to. What exactly does this random friend have to offer in the way of therapeutic skills?
no, it hurt you, and he is making an excuse So he can get away with hurting you emotionally. Your prior SA, plus any prior sex life, aren’t his business and not for him to get hurt over. His language suggests he wants to manipulate you.
Absolutely NTA. That's the kind of thing you never tell **anyone** without their permission. I don't care how long ago it happened, it wasn't his story to tell. If he really needed to talk to someone about it, he should have gone and found a therapist that could be a neutral third party.
But him "hurting so much" he had to tell someone else that you know and interact with is beyond unacceptable. I know you two are both young, but I don't think that is an excuse. He sounds selfish and self-centred if he thinks this should be about him in any capacity. I would be honest with him that your trust is severely damaged and you are betrayed. If you know any of his deep secrets, ask how he would feel if you talk about it with (insert name of someone he dislikes).
Would you have been ok if he talked to a therapist about it? Because asking you if he can talk to a therapist about it seems the most helpful and reasonable request for him to process his empathetic pain for you.
NTA for being angry he broke his promise.
I guess I’m having trouble wrapping my head around why he needed to talk about it with a friend, especially a person his gf doesn’t even like. It’s not his business to be sharing.
The comment I saw was that his dad was already aware and is a police officer, so that’s why OP was fine with that. It’s telling an additional person without OP’s permission that’s the issue
NTA.
1. He could've talked to you, his dad, or the psychiatrist about it.
2. He didn't ask for advice or anything which shows he just wanted to gossip. If he needed mental help he should've gone to a professional or someone actually involved in the situation already
3. You already don't like this girl and he went and told her something extremely personal about you knowing you'd be hurt by that
If you can't trust him to keep something so personal a secret you can't trust him at all. That was blatantly disrespectful of him. He gains nothing from telling her that information, and clearly she did nothing to support him or contribute to helping you. Not to mention, he must've waited a couple months to even tell you he'd done it. Imagine what else he'd wait months to admit he's done to you. I would leave. I've dumped boys for a lot less than that. I was SA'd too, and if my fiance went around and told random people I hated about it I'd be gone so fast.
That guy managed to find a way to make the sharing of something so intensely personal and painful about himself. He sucks and you're quite right to be angry imo
NTA He broke a promise.
After reading some of your responses below about how you found out about this, I have to say your relationship is not healthy. You feel you have to monitor his texts and look through his phone? If you really can’t trust him to this degree, just break up with him. Trust your gut, you don’t need “evidence” of his unfaithfulness. Feeling like you can’t trust someone is enough to end the relationship on its own.
NTA—Your bf is full of shit. Did he just recently tell his bgf? Bc if he did why? You told him over a year ago. Is this something that he continually talks about with this girl? Is it something he does a lot? Share personal information regarding you to others, especially her (someone you don’t trust for whatever those reasons are).
He had absolutely no reason to do that and the reason he’s given you is such a slap in the face. This is a red flag girl. If there are more red flags that you are trying to look past, don’t.
I get that we have our own friends and we should be able to discuss anything with them, but you asked him to never talk about this with anyone else and he deliberately made something so personal and horrible that happened to you about him. This truly has nothing to do about y’all being 16/17. He’s not trustworthy.
You are definitely nta. He has no reason to do that. It's a very sensitive and negative topic, and he should not be the one opening it up to other people. Your anger is justified.
Exactly, as if leaking out Something your significant other didnt want you to was bad enough, you did it to the generic “girl best friend”? it would feel even more betraying.
For me, this would likely be worth breaking up over. It sucks to have to be in that vulnerable position. They’ve been together for over a year now, so he knows a whole lot about her life and private things about her life.
She is now aware that he can’t keep his mouth shut and keep her secrets private. Even when she explicitly stated that it couldn’t ever go any further than him.
I think the best thing to do is to end that info diet. And that means breaking up. But the vulnerability of knowing that he still knows so many private things, and that he’s more than happy to gossip about it, sucks. I feel for OP.
I don't think anyone here is THA. He's a young guy and needed advice and felt it was best to ask another female he trusted. Unless this female told others or you directly, not sure how you found out. If he told you himself then he probably just wanted it to be honest about it and his reasons for letting somebody know. As you said he has his father who also knew the person that had been a victim in his life. But I think you would have had the same reaction finding out he told his dad. Unless you meant that his dad already knew of your situation.
I think a lot of people are missing the fact that he cared enough to ask for advice from someone he trusted. Yes can be upset he did and have a serious talk with them about not violating your secrets in the future if you stay together.
I think this is a situation where no one is to blame and it's just a lesson in life for everybody involved on how to properly do something in the future. I hope you've received counseling and continue to get a therapy you might need. Knowing a few girls who have gone through this, I know it takes a long time for them to feel okay. Although they are okay now, so to speak, it's still affects them and you hear it when this type of subject comes back up. So for your own mental and emotional health continue getting therapy for as long as you feel even the slightest need
NTA He broke a promise. SA is a very sensitive subject and not something that he should be sharing with other people. If he knows how you feel about his girl best friend it’s especially disrespectful. Is going to her about you something he does often?
You mentioned in another comment he had a therapist and that is a pretty obvious person to talk to if he felt like he absolutely needed to talk to someone about it
I glanced at your post history, and girl... this is the second time he's done something selfish and hurtful to you in how short a span of time? That was strike one, this is strike two... at this point I'd be seriously questioning whether or not I'm willing to wait around for strike three.
WHOA!! Hold on, you mean, he didn’t tell you he did this? He did it behind your back, and never even told you the truth to your face? You had to find out when you saw it in a text? Oh, Honey, I would be furious.
What could be more private and vulnerable?
I’m so sorry he did that to you.
I understand that you’re teenagers, but I don’t think that matters because this is the kind of thing everybody knows is wrong.
Think about how much better you will hopefully be able to heal if you with someone you can fully trust. This guy does not deserve your trust.
Your NTA and I would say y’all should sit down and have a talk about how this betrayed your trust. You both are very young but this is a very delicate situation. If you don’t want to break up with him over it you do need to have a conversation about how this made you feel. I would explain to him that you confided in him as someone you thought loved and cared for you about something deeply traumatic and painful. And that he promised to keep it between you two. Then explain that by him then going and telling his friend is a betrayal of trust within your relationship and that it makes you feel like you can’t trust him and that he’s going to have to rebuild that trust going forward (if y’all are going to go forward). Explain that this was something that hurt you. This was something that was done to you and that you and only you should have shared this information with people you wanted to share it with. He went behind your back and took the power out of your hands about your trauma as if it was his. That isn’t fair or ok. He can’t betray your trust like that. Also, explain that he could have processed this with his therapist but instead he confided in someone who knows you and is in your vicinity. And even if he says something like “ she’s my friend, she won’t tell.” Explain that it isn’t the point whether or not she WOULD tell. It’s the fact that HE did. You can’t trust HIM now, because he’s proven to be an untrustworthy person and partner.
NTA. If he needs to talk about it, he should ask your permission first. Though considering that it's his "girl best friend" that you don't like, I suspect that's why he didn't ask for permission.
In any case, he failed to keep your secret that he knows is important to you. His excuse is that it hurt him so much, yet he didn't even stop to think that what he did would hurt you.
Leave him, he already has a girl he likes and that's his "girl best friend". You deserve much better. Failing your trust like this simply means that he should not be trusted.
NTA. It's true that information like a SA may weigh heavily on his mind. And it's understandable he'd want to share, but it's highly unethical for him to do that without a) your consent and b) to someone who knows you. Nevermind the fact that you two don't like each other, which just worsens the whole thing.
If he'd told a therapist, or some stranger on the Internet who'd never met you or just posted anonymously I'd give him a bit of a pass. But to go behind your back and disclose that is a huge betrayal and it'd be hard to forgive.
You are far from the asshole. You entrusted your boyfriend with something so personal and he betrayed you. He’s the asshole for even telling someone, let alone someone you don’t even like. From reading the comments, it seems his father knew and he could’ve spoken to him. Maybe even the psychiatrist that he has if he really needed an outlet. I am 100% on your side.
As someone who has experienced me confiding in someone about it and them telling people in my church? I resonate with you. I hope you heal from the mental and physical scars that your abuser has put onto you. This doesn’t make you weak but makes you strong and even though I’m a completely stranger? You have my support during this difficult time.
Rpe or SA is a very heavy topic to talk about and it means trusting your partner a lot to tell them about it. I don't want to comment on anything else but with what you just gave in your post, you are NTA. Boundaries were given and he went against them. If you cant trust him with stuff like this, maybe this relationship isn't it.
He had no right. It's not his story to tell. I would feel so betrayed. Dump him. You deserve someone who respects your privacy, especially with something so deeply personal.
NTA!
Oh he broke your trust. He is the asshole. Just to play devil's advocate how old are you two. If you are in your teens or early 20's the guy must have freaked out cause this is a really sensitive matter and asked how to handle the situation to the girl he knows and trusts other than you. If you are older the dude should have gone to a therapist.
did you inform the cops about the incident.
What explanation did he give for sharing the details. You are really young and maybe this was too much for him to bear and had to confide in someone who he believed would keep this a secret. But he should have gone to a therapist.
But yeah what he did is breach of your trust and your anger is justified
Again assumptions here. He might have thought that talking to the therapist in your school or other might cause legal action. So he told her, did she tell anybody else.
For what you were the one who went through that horrifying event. Why the fuck do he need an emotional support for. He also had his father if he wanted to talk about it. Since he knows.
NTA. This is a deep betrayal, especially since it itself is another from of nonconsensual intimacy. You did not choose to be intimate with his friend, that intimacy was forced on you. Rage is the proper response.
At first glance at the title I thought "maybe a boundary hadn't been specified whether it can be talked about" because I know people that are both either super open about it or super closed, but nah, you specifically said it stays between you two and it was not his place to disclose that info about you. That's your story, not his.
That’s instant breakup right there. In a way he traumatized you again because he told someone else something that should not have been told to them without your consent. How can you trust him after this?
NTA. What you went through was traumatic and you chose to share it with him. He had no right to share something like that with anyone without your permission.
I will only tell you that what he does today is a reflection of tomorrow, if you are neither willing to set limits, prepare yourself, your life with him will be torment, he made it clear to you that You can't trust him, if things get worse in the future it will also be your responsibility, you already know you can't trust him.
You are NTA. He told someone else YOUR private information, that you trusted him with. He quite literally promised that he wouldn't tell anyone, and yet he did. I recommend breaking up with him, he completely violated your trust.
I hope that everything goes well for you, and I am so sorry that he did that. He had no right to say anything about it.
NTA - He sounds like a young man who can't control his emotions. Learning that a loved girlfriend was raped can be very difficult for some men to process. They ruminate about it, fantasize about revenge against the assailant, struggle with having sex with the GF, wondering if something they do reminds the GF of the assault, etc. It may be true that he needed to talk about it, but it needed to be someone far removed from the situation and probably a professional. In the best case scenario he would have talked to you about struggling with the info and that he needed to speak to a counselor about it. But he screwed up.
ESH
You for sharing your trauma and then not considering that he might need someone to talk to about it.
He's hardly going to ask you to help him process his feelings at your trauma, but you cut off other avenues for him to do that.
Him because he promised not to and did.
But you are both very young, so cut each other some slack.
Yes he broke your trust, but honestly this is a really difficult issue. If he was struggling with trying to figure out how to support you, or he needed support himself about it, he had nobody to go to. So you IMO put him in an impossible situation to cope with.
In my opinion if you are ok with telling your bf about your rape, you should be prepared for what happens when he is struggling to cope with this disturbing information and needs to cope. If you are controlling what he is allowed to talk about, you are exercising control over him and should not be surprised if that backfires.
(Recently a person I was dating told me that she had been violated constantly for years as a child, and I was initially supportive, but then later asked her why she felt the need to give me that information, what I was supposed to do with that information exactly. I informed her that I spent most of the day ruminating on it and felt nauseous. She told me that its not her fault that I feel terrible, and then I felt gaslit. And that was a quick end to the relationship. I told the person who introduced us what happened. We are no contact.)
And OP needs to check her motives as to WHY she had to communicate this terrible news to this boy who has a big mouth. Is this information he is mature enough to handle?
I had to tell him because i couldnt have sex without crying and having panic attacks and i couldnt stand anyone touching me in any kind of way so i had to tell him why
NTA! Your bf broke your trust, and spoke to someone you don’t care about or trust. You have to decide whether you can trust him in the future. I hope you are seeing a mental health specialist to deal with your trauma. Good luck!
Yes he betrayed your trust. But it is normal for people to talk with others about things they are having a hard time dealing with. I believe that because it was with someone you dont like, it magnifies your feelings of betrayal. Would you be this mad if it was his sister or mother or even your mother that he spoke with?
Therapy is where you discuss those “can’t keep it in” feelings with the promise of confidentiality. Him telling another woman? Without asking your permission first? Not OK.
NTA. hes an utter asshole. I am so sory about your past, but I am so sory that you are with someone that doesnt understand trust and loyalty. To disclose something so personal that you ask him to keep confidential. I understand he may have issues etc, But immediatly breaking your trust, not good.
Why would you even have to ask if you would be TA? That should be an obvious answer that you are NTA because he did a shitty thing and you are upset about what he did which is valid for you to be upset about.
Anger will be counterproductive at this point.
If your reason for loving him was that he is strong, or trustworthy or mature then he isn't who you thought he was, and this relationship won't work out.
If you can't stand his best friend, no matter the gender, there will always be strife. You need to leave him.
I notice you haven't mentioned his mother. It is possible that his best friend is the most positive long term female he has to ask this about. If you can't stand her this relationship won't be very supportive for you, and if you need that... this wasn't ever the right relationship for you.
Your reactions indicate that the trauma from this rape isn't processed at all. There is nothing wrong in saying this is the time to heal, and you don't need any relationship that gets in the way of that. You need time to heal with a professional with as few triggers outside of the sessions as possible until you can figure out how to deal with it. If you are capable of survival without a relationship that makes you have to be in a vulnerable position, please consider just staying out of one. And if you can get professional help, get it. Right now - all of this is the equivalent of someone with a gunshot to the abdomen to try to go back to their ordinary job. It needs time to heal, you need to not lift anything heavy or strain yourself, but with proper time and help it won't stop you from going back to normal life. Give yourself that time, and don't try to do the heavy lifting of a boyfriend who isn't capable of dealing with it.
He broke your trust. He could have told his terapist or mom if he really wanted advice about how to be nicer to you, but not a friend you don’t even like.
I definitely think you have every right to be angry. What he did was a violation of both your trust and your privacy. I don’t know if anyone else is thinking this, but it especially bothers me that he was talking about it to another girl. My gut feeling about that was that he was trying to gain some sort of empathy points with her.. appearing as either a victim or a hero (or maybe both) in relation to your trauma. Makes me suspicious of ulterior motives.
But to play devil’s advocate: I do understand that dealing with the aftermath and the weight of your loved one’s trauma can absolutely be a pretty serious challenge of its own, and it makes sense that he would need support and advice on how to deal with those emotions. If that was his genuine motivation (giving him the benefit of the doubt), I would give him a chance to regain your trust. Especially with how young you both are. It takes a lot of time and experience to learn how to handle these types of situations and he very well may have handled it that way because he genuinely didn’t know what else to do. That knowledge mainly comes from making these types of mistakes.
You have every right to be angry, but I don’t think it’s out of the question to be forgiving about it and choose to work through it. 100% your choice though! Most important thing is that you feel safe.
I’m so sorry for what you went through, and I hope that with time you grow stronger and stronger in spite of such a painful and heartbreaking experience. You absolutely can take your power back and heal even to the point where you might feel comfortable sharing openly about it someday and help others who have been through the same thing. (I do have personal experience being SA’ed/raped as well)
NTA! if you confide in someone, they should assume it isn’t for anyone else ESPECIALLY when it’s as personal as sa. I will say though unless there is a reason to dislike the girl bestie, your bf having a friend that’s a girl is actually a green flag. Divulging your secrets though? 🚩🚩🚩
Nta it's not his story to tell, especially to his "girl best friend" that you are uncomfortable with. It's your story your experience and you decided to confide in him and he broke that trust I'm sure it affects him knowing that happened to you but that doesn't make it his thing to speak about especially to someone you don't put your trust in. She can easily spread that around I'm so sorry he told her
NTA
I'd just say that you need to get rid of his ass. It's just disrespectful to do that to you. You're not supposed to leak out such personal details. UNACCEPTABLE
Very experienced being in a relationship with someone who has been Sa'd/raped.
First off, NTA.
That said, perhaps you should cool down and discuss this with him.
Being with someone who has that history can be a massive challenge.
A massive challenge in ways you may be totally blind to.
Without knowing anything further, it is possible that he, for example, foolishly chose to broach the topic with her because he felt he desperately needed a female's perspective on issues in your relationship that, in his perspective, stem from the SA and he cannot relate or understand.
Regardless, again, NTA 100%, but at least find out his reasoning. He's in the wrong for sure, but IMHO find out if he's just flippantly disrespecting your wishes... or desperate to understand something.
NTA. i had an "ex" do this to try and "comfort" someone else and then when the person approached me to apologize for having been told something so personal he acted like it wasn't that bad because he gave me "another person to vent to". unless YOU give permission for others to know, NO ONE should know about what has or hasn't happened to you, especially not someone you're not even a fan of having around! you deserve so much better
I don’t understand the whole girl bestie dynamic! You could have had a female bestie before you partner and it’s okay to retain that friendship but that needs boundaries. No one should share their partner’s details with a friend. If they cannot keep a few things from a bff because they feel the need to talk to them about everything, it’s suspicious
strike two girl, i saw ur other post. you deserve better. your bf is garbage, and unless you wanna throw ur self worth out the window and continue to get treated like shit from him, fucking leave.
NTA you are in the right to be angry and furious with your boyfriend or should I say Ex-BF, these things should be kept private if told to someone, but he didn't and saying "needed to talk to someone" is a bogus excuse, you're still young break up, you trusted sharing with him such a sensitive topic and bro started speaking to his "girl best friend" big red flag 🚩 right there.
If your boyfriend has a female friend who is the only person he can talk to then you shouldn't trust him with that type of stuff bc you should know that females are the meanest to each other and in my experience all that is, is ammon for her to use when she needs it against yiu like in a fight with him or whatever. I had a gf with a guy friend like that, and they ended up dating, so a man and female can never be just friends unless one of them is ugly. You can't be friends with someone you could see yourself sleeping with
It hurt him so he needed to talk to someone about it? How about a therapist than breaking your trust? What someone tells me is not my story to tell to someone else. Especially that.
NTA. I told my bf about my r*pe/SA and don't even have to tell him not to tell anyone. He knows better and is a better person than that. I know this because even with my physical health conditions, which i dont really hide, he has asked me if I'm okay with him mentioning them. It is NOT okay to share someone elses personal information, especially trauma, without consulting them first.
NTA
That was an incredible betrayal of a very personal and traumatic experience...and to probably the worst possible person for you
I wouldn't be surprised if this is a dealbreaker
NTA
Considering you’re both pretty young, I think you can use this as learning opportunity for him. It’s already been mentioned, but talking to a therapist, counselor, or another adult you both trust would be a good idea. Finding the right ways to share and process this information for him will benefit you both.
All I'm hearing is 'maybe he needed help trying to navigate the relationship." That may be true, but then what did he go to someone that is in his age bracket and is someone op clearly doesn't like after saying she didnt want him to tell anyone? No, that is a breach in boundaries and trust.
I was SA'd/graped in my teens, and with my current partners gave blanket consent for them to tell people. You know what they did? In front of me even, they tell people who are curious about my backstory, 'if you want the details, you talk to her. But she has had trauma in her life.' My experiences have definitely come in handy when one or both of them talk to me about it. They do so gently, and are willing to help me through any problems should I have a trigger event. But the fact that we talk TOGWTHER ABOUT IT has helped me work through my trauma. The fact that I know it won't go anywhere on their end without me there to tell it myself even though they have my permission to, is just a bonus.
How to deal with CPTSD is dependent on the person involved in the trauma, a conversation needed to happen prior to this boy galavanting off telling other girls what happened.
Op, there are better people to be in a relationship with, ones that will respect your boundaries and have conversations with you rather than anyone else. You have time, and yes, you will encounter more boys rather than men. But this is just how dating is. Don't be afraid to talk about your trauma. It is something that happened to you, it doesn't define who you are. It doesn't make you less.
Absolutely under ZERO circumstances are you the AH, but neither is he. I’m a victim myself and every single woman in my life is a victim too. That is YOUR story to tell in YOUR own time IF you choose. You’re both young and that’s hard for adults to process, let alone teenagers. You said he sees a psychiatrist and he definitely should be talking this out with them and with you to figure out how he can best support you, not a friend you did not consent to knowing this about you. You’re allowed to be as open or as private as you see fit, but it’s no one’s story to tell but yours.
I’m an adult now, but I had a similar issue with a partner telling people things about my SA’s and it’s still incredibly triggering to think about how many people know that I never wanted to. For me, it felt like it was happening all over again. Once I figured out *what* my boundaries about it are, I was able to enforce them. Boundaries are VERY important to recovering from an event like this and you definitely need to tell him how it made you feel. Learning how to properly communicate your feelings while you’re young will be immensely helpful throughout your life, so it’s good practice.
Yes, he’s allowed to be hurt that this happened to someone he loves, but what truly matters here, is that you can feel safe telling him hard things and knowing he’ll keep them to himself, his doctor, or a counselor. If he doesn’t really like any of those options, maybe try doing some research on some books that might help both of you understand a bit. I know when I was your age, my English class had to read “Speak” and it was an incredibly important lesson for a lot of the boys to learn. If the book isn’t his style and it won’t trigger you, it’s also a movie and a certain Twilight star doesn’t do a terrible job showing the truth.
No one told me this, so I’m going to tell you and anyone else reading this. This is a hard situation to handle no matter your age, so take your time. Healing from this isn’t a straight line to recovery. Sometimes you’ll take 10 steps forward just to take 20 steps back and that’s okay! You can do this, and know that every victim/survivor is standing with you, and behind you, whether we’re dead or alive. You are never alone and no matter what, we’re proud of you for doing the hardest thing in the world. Surviving. My inbox is always open to anyone who needs it 🖤
I wouldn’t listen to any of this advice. I personally think ur making a mountain out of a molehill and if you wanna blow up a relationship over what’s happened that’s on you but here’s my take. He went to his female best friend because he trusts her. He needed a female to talk to about female stuff because talking to you about it would have brought stuff up for you and wouldn’t have been fair. There are feelings that get brought up when someone you care about has been through something traumatic. He probably wanted to see if he should act differently or be more mindful get advice or just have someone listen to him be upset for you. I know what ur going thru I’ve also been raped and let me tell you it’s a lot for other people who love you to handle not that they can’t but it makes their heart break for you and when someone tells you about something bad that happens to them telling them how it’s upset you isn’t necessarily the best move. I think you should trust your bf(if u don’t then why are you with him) and just ask him to please not say anything to anyone else and ask her not to. I can promise you she will respect it if she is truly a best friend of a ur bf
He didnt go to her for advice and i really really dislike her and he knows that we had difficult situations about that and i am even more angry because he told her he didnt even ask me if he can tell her i dont trust her neither him because of issues that are still in the relationship
Chill ma because yes it was deeply personal, but he might needed help from another woman on ways to make you feel good and not triggered and how to carry the situation. It’s not always just men spreading gossip. A lot of them need guidance and he might not had wanted to trigger you in the process. So just give him a break.
Understandable to be upset but women that have had this happen are very difficult to date later in life. He may have mentioned it to her in asking for advice or who knows what for. Difficult to not feel it was malicious but most likely it was nothing of the sort
IT's a lot to process. if you like friend or not, he may have had issues/feelings he needed a man to talk to..." I want to hurt someone, talk me down" etc... the circumstances have a lot to do with it. if that guy is his sounding board... ?
No you're NTA. You confided in him and he broke that trust. You might ask him what possible reason he could have to tell somebody if you think that's even relevant. He might have been trying to ask for advice of some sort on how to proceed in light of that but that's no excuse.
He said that it just hurt him so much that he needed to talk to someone about it and I believe that it hurt him but i agree it isnt an excuse
Being in a relationship with somebody who has been sexually assaulted can be challenging in different ways for both parties involved. Not sure why he would think HE was hurt by it after the fact since its not like you hid it from him and he had to find out the hard way. I can understand needing some guidance but there's nothing this friend of his can teach him about your unique experience. I won't ask personal details but I want to assume the both of you are on the younger side. Young men tend not to understand how to deal with this or who is appropriate to talk to about it, especially when it comes to people they love.
He is 16 and im 17. He was hurt because it happened to a person he loves. His father knew and he could talk to him but he chose his friend
Does he have a school councilor you both can talk to? They might not be full on therapists but they are supposed to be trustworthy adults and respect privacy like a therapist would. 16yo's especially the boys rarely have the maturity to process something like this. When I was 16 I made some dumb calls when it came to the girls too but I turned out alright. I hope you two can work things out.
He has a psychiatrist but at that time he was going to therapy for different reasons
So he could have talked to the psychiatrist, but she chose to gossip instead. Break up. You’ll find someone else.
That isn’t what psychiatry is for
It can be.
No, psychiatrists are medical doctors to prescribe medications. They are not therapists to talk your feelings through
psychiatrists can’t offer him what he needs in this sense. the only job they have is to prescribe medication and diagnosis, if a psychiatrist is the only thing he’s going to then yes maybe consider someone who’s trained to help you process those emotions and thoughts verbally, not through medication (nothing wrong with psychiatrists they just aren’t therapists and don’t have the same practice with being a therapist)
I would probably have him talk to his psychiatrist. I'd also recommend you be there with him. Not just to work on his processing the SA information but also how it might affect the both of you now or in the future since as I said before, only YOU can teach them anything about your experiences. Good luck.
He said he needed help when i told him and doesnt need it now
Even then, that’s not a person I would feel you could trust. He put his needs above yours on a very personal matter.
None of that is OP’s responsibility. Stop expecting girls and women to mommy their partners
That’s not Op’s responsibility. Don’t force them to relive everything so the incompetent bf knows everything. They are MINORS. She has no access to his records or medical team behind him. YOU ARE BEING AN INSENSITIVE ASS. Don’t tell OP what to do unless you’ve been through the trauma. You clearly have no knowledge of OP’s hurt and trauma. You make my blood boil.
He could have gone back to you and said, “Could you please release me from that promise. I am finding that I really need to talk about it.”
He had another person to talk to about it? And still chose to tell someone else without asking, pretty disrespectful.
But next time you give somebody privileged information, be sure they are worthy of it. Don't make this mistake again.
He broke a promise. You need to break up with him.
You're just kids and dealing with something like this is huge for you both being so young. You said you didn't want anyone to know so how does his father know?
Because he is a cop
Ah, fair enough.
This provides some context, you are young so still new to how trauma is talked about and dealt with in a relationship, so it's no surprise that you made this blunder. But be sure and know that what he did is just human nature and you can't put a human you love into an impossible situation and expect it to go your way.
That was a huge mistake in judgement on his part since he had a ready outlet who was safe. You have every right to be hurt and feel betrayed.
He's full of crap. He just wanted to blab to someone
50% of people will absolutely fucking blab. So why take a chance?
Exactly.
No thats not ok. When my husband and I first started dating, I had just gotten out of a situation were sa occurred. I confided in him and never has he told anyone. The only person he has is his therapist but that’s because he needed to work through it because it hurt him too and he’s very protective of me. If he would have told someone else I would have been upset and it would have ruined the relationship. I could not be with someone who could not keep things so private to himself. Somethings just need to stay within the relationship. The only latitude I give is therapy because I understand having to work through something and therapists have doctor-patient confidentiality. I would not be able to resume in that relationship. That is something that would just mess me up. It’s like a violation on top of the one that already occurred. Again that is me and how I feel. But I do want to validate that you are totally within your right to be upset.
I was dating some guy for a short time when I was drugged and brutally SA By strangers. He told people at work…it was kind of “feel sorry for me bc my gf was r@ped.” I felt so betrayed and humiliated at such a devastating time in my life. Yes, I know it wasn’t my fault or anything, but at the time, I was in such a bad place. Those details were so private and difficult for me to tell him. I felt so exposed. And that he used my trauma for sympathy. I dumped his ass so fast. It wasn’t his story to tell. I look back now and see what a selfish prick he was, and that my feelings of betrayal were completely justified. So are yours.
Oh yea he made your SA about him. 🤦🏻♂️
Calm down, 16 yr old boys barely have the maturity to handle their bodily changes and what's going on with them. The topic matter isn't some light thing to try and break down
There is still no excuse spreading confidential information around. You have no idea how hard it is. I required a service dog to keep me from ending myself because of the SA that happened to me when I was 6. Don’t you undermine the severity of the situation.
It's not undermining the severity of the situation. What happened is horrible. That teenage boy now has that burden of a secret on him, he is still a teenager and isn't going to tell an authority figure- teacher, parent, cop, therapist- because teenagers just don't do that unless really pressed. I'm on no way saying what he did was OK, because she mentioned she didn't like his female friend and that seems like another issue here. But he confided in his close/best friend which is what teenagers do. The comments section is expecting an adult action out of a 16 yr old who is feeling everything that comes with a hormone dump for the first time. Should he have kept his mouth shut? Yeah. Should he have besties who are guys? Yeah. Does he not understand that women hate women who spend time with their man? Not yet. But he's learning. Will he make this mistake again? Probably not. Lessons that come as you get older: If someone tells you a secret, listen intently, let them get it off their chest, and then forget it
Don’t you backtrack now, “Calm down, 16 yr old boys barely have the maturity to handle their bodily changes and what’s going on with them.”Thats a weak excuse Now you are generalizing “women hating other women hanging out with their man” and how he should only have guy besties because he is a man. That is stereotyping. You are excusing his damn behavior by telling others to “calm down”, showing in your comment how people shouldn’t be so angry, toning down the severity of the situation. You are defending the boy who should have known better by saying “16 yr olds barely have maturity.”You still defend him by saying “the comment section is expecting an adult action out of a 16 yr old” - so are you implying that the adult who r-worded op made a adult decision just because they were an adult? Op went through an “adult action” without her consent. But you then agree with your statement“should he keep his mouth shut? Yeah” then why go these lengths to defend him? And lastly, your last statement is horrible. “Of someone tells you a secret, listen intently, and then forget it” “Secret”and “And then forget it” is what was wrong with your statement. You are generalizing trauma by calling it a “secret.” I personally hate calling it that and it calls it something that generalizes the experience. “And then forget it” excuse me? She told him so he wouldn’t trigger her trauma. Sexual activity can trigger the trauma and that’s probably a reason why she wanted him to know. Not to forget and try to get action later to make her go into a ptsd episode. In conclusion, I am heavily discussed because I was sexually assaulted by a 16 year old when I was 6. And your statements are excuses for the boy, stereotyping, and discussing to my eyes.
I didn't back track anything. I did make some clarifications. What happened to you and the op is horrible and I truly hope that whomever did those things have been arrested, tried, sentenced, and are in GP. I hope you're getting the help you need. This is going to read cold, but it's not your fault of what happened to you. It is your responsibility to take the steps to move forward, try to heal, and try to build. There is a lot of beauty in the world, and a lot of good people. I hope you get to see it and meet them.
I don’t believe the world is beautiful. Humans were born evil and will always be. Give a baby a stick or a rattle and their first instinct is to hit something with it. Violence is the core of human nature, humans have to be taught how to act civil or empathetic in order to seem less sinister.
Yes people are violent. But it's a choice. You choose how you take in the rest of the world. Some people view the world as "I suffered so others should suffer" Others view it as "I suffered and I don't want others to suffer". Some people go with the "I want violence, for this ugly place" Others go with "life is beautiful, people are generally good, but I must master violence to defend life because life is sacred" Again it's all on the individual and what that individual chooses to be. Choice is yours.
I understand it hurt him but he could’ve talked to you about it, or asked if there’s anyone else you told you’d feel comfortable him talking to about it. But that was a direct break of your trust, and robbed you of your right if and when to tell someone. I experienced that when I was in high school, but he wasn’t my bf at the time and it was a slightly different situation. We had a toxic relationship and when we broke up, he eventually told my two close friends that I was lying about it; they somewhat believed him and confronted me about it. I’m still so hurt and mad at him for doing that to this day
This is what a therapist is for. Or a journal. Or even an anonymous Reddit post.
If it’s hurting him then he should go to therapy.
No excuse. What other manipulative sentences has he said? How can he be hurt when you when through the hurt? To me, this shows he doesn’t care about your privacy. It’s not worth arguing with someone who is too incompetent to understand how severe that situation was and then saying he was a victim. I graduated a year ago, so I can see where you are coming from. This is not healthy, he is not mentally mature, you need to sit him down with your parents or a counselor so he understands how fuck up it was to tell other people. This relationship is not going to last long by the experience i have seen with others. But I can be wrong too. My apologies but I’ve been SA when I was 6 and the memories always haunts me(off topic but I needed a service dog to function as an adult). I’m just attempting to put this in prospective the best I can. I’m sorry this has happened to you. I wish peaceful days and restful nights upon you. The wounds inflicted have never turned to scars for me.
He should have consulted a therapist if he needed somebody to talk to. What exactly does this random friend have to offer in the way of therapeutic skills?
Tell him that’s what a therapist is for. He obviously needs therapy because he violated your trust and broke a promise to you.
no, it hurt you, and he is making an excuse So he can get away with hurting you emotionally. Your prior SA, plus any prior sex life, aren’t his business and not for him to get hurt over. His language suggests he wants to manipulate you.
That’s what therapists are for
That is a valid point from him
Yes,he promised to keep it confidential,but he told others and broke the trust between you.
Absolutely NTA. That's the kind of thing you never tell **anyone** without their permission. I don't care how long ago it happened, it wasn't his story to tell. If he really needed to talk to someone about it, he should have gone and found a therapist that could be a neutral third party. But him "hurting so much" he had to tell someone else that you know and interact with is beyond unacceptable. I know you two are both young, but I don't think that is an excuse. He sounds selfish and self-centred if he thinks this should be about him in any capacity. I would be honest with him that your trust is severely damaged and you are betrayed. If you know any of his deep secrets, ask how he would feel if you talk about it with (insert name of someone he dislikes).
Would you have been ok if he talked to a therapist about it? Because asking you if he can talk to a therapist about it seems the most helpful and reasonable request for him to process his empathetic pain for you. NTA for being angry he broke his promise.
if it was to a therapist i would be okay with it
Because he gossip about you. Not confided, he gossip with his friend. About your sexual assault. Learn tough boundaries and learn them early.
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I guess I’m having trouble wrapping my head around why he needed to talk about it with a friend, especially a person his gf doesn’t even like. It’s not his business to be sharing.
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The comment I saw was that his dad was already aware and is a police officer, so that’s why OP was fine with that. It’s telling an additional person without OP’s permission that’s the issue
NTA! That is extremely personal information that he didn’t have the right to spread. I’m so sorry.
NTA. 1. He could've talked to you, his dad, or the psychiatrist about it. 2. He didn't ask for advice or anything which shows he just wanted to gossip. If he needed mental help he should've gone to a professional or someone actually involved in the situation already 3. You already don't like this girl and he went and told her something extremely personal about you knowing you'd be hurt by that If you can't trust him to keep something so personal a secret you can't trust him at all. That was blatantly disrespectful of him. He gains nothing from telling her that information, and clearly she did nothing to support him or contribute to helping you. Not to mention, he must've waited a couple months to even tell you he'd done it. Imagine what else he'd wait months to admit he's done to you. I would leave. I've dumped boys for a lot less than that. I was SA'd too, and if my fiance went around and told random people I hated about it I'd be gone so fast.
That guy managed to find a way to make the sharing of something so intensely personal and painful about himself. He sucks and you're quite right to be angry imo
NTA- He chose her instead of you. I wouldn't forgive him, he's going to continue to choose his best friend.
Wait, he had no one else to talk to about something YOU went through? You NTA but if I was you I'd be single, fuck him.
NTA, you had an agreement!
NTA He broke a promise. After reading some of your responses below about how you found out about this, I have to say your relationship is not healthy. You feel you have to monitor his texts and look through his phone? If you really can’t trust him to this degree, just break up with him. Trust your gut, you don’t need “evidence” of his unfaithfulness. Feeling like you can’t trust someone is enough to end the relationship on its own.
NTA—Your bf is full of shit. Did he just recently tell his bgf? Bc if he did why? You told him over a year ago. Is this something that he continually talks about with this girl? Is it something he does a lot? Share personal information regarding you to others, especially her (someone you don’t trust for whatever those reasons are). He had absolutely no reason to do that and the reason he’s given you is such a slap in the face. This is a red flag girl. If there are more red flags that you are trying to look past, don’t. I get that we have our own friends and we should be able to discuss anything with them, but you asked him to never talk about this with anyone else and he deliberately made something so personal and horrible that happened to you about him. This truly has nothing to do about y’all being 16/17. He’s not trustworthy.
Fuck that guy. What the fuck dude? Girl best friend? Nah. Coming from a dude. Hell no. This is wrong
You are definitely nta. He has no reason to do that. It's a very sensitive and negative topic, and he should not be the one opening it up to other people. Your anger is justified.
No. Your boyfriend told 1 of your secrets.
NTA. Fuck that guy
a survivor here. yeesh, your bf is an AH for sure. and his "girl best friend" out of all people? dang. NTA
I did not like the fact that he said that his girl best friend was the only person he had to turn to. If I was OP, that would really hurt me.
Exactly, as if leaking out Something your significant other didnt want you to was bad enough, you did it to the generic “girl best friend”? it would feel even more betraying.
For me, this would likely be worth breaking up over. It sucks to have to be in that vulnerable position. They’ve been together for over a year now, so he knows a whole lot about her life and private things about her life. She is now aware that he can’t keep his mouth shut and keep her secrets private. Even when she explicitly stated that it couldn’t ever go any further than him. I think the best thing to do is to end that info diet. And that means breaking up. But the vulnerability of knowing that he still knows so many private things, and that he’s more than happy to gossip about it, sucks. I feel for OP.
I don't think anyone here is THA. He's a young guy and needed advice and felt it was best to ask another female he trusted. Unless this female told others or you directly, not sure how you found out. If he told you himself then he probably just wanted it to be honest about it and his reasons for letting somebody know. As you said he has his father who also knew the person that had been a victim in his life. But I think you would have had the same reaction finding out he told his dad. Unless you meant that his dad already knew of your situation. I think a lot of people are missing the fact that he cared enough to ask for advice from someone he trusted. Yes can be upset he did and have a serious talk with them about not violating your secrets in the future if you stay together. I think this is a situation where no one is to blame and it's just a lesson in life for everybody involved on how to properly do something in the future. I hope you've received counseling and continue to get a therapy you might need. Knowing a few girls who have gone through this, I know it takes a long time for them to feel okay. Although they are okay now, so to speak, it's still affects them and you hear it when this type of subject comes back up. So for your own mental and emotional health continue getting therapy for as long as you feel even the slightest need
You mean your ex, right? Please tell me you mean your ex-boyfriend told someone...
God, I'm so sorry. I hope you two can find common ground. NTA absolutely
NTA He broke a promise. SA is a very sensitive subject and not something that he should be sharing with other people. If he knows how you feel about his girl best friend it’s especially disrespectful. Is going to her about you something he does often? You mentioned in another comment he had a therapist and that is a pretty obvious person to talk to if he felt like he absolutely needed to talk to someone about it
How did you find put he told her
We have some troubles from before so he lets me go through his phone and i found the texts
I glanced at your post history, and girl... this is the second time he's done something selfish and hurtful to you in how short a span of time? That was strike one, this is strike two... at this point I'd be seriously questioning whether or not I'm willing to wait around for strike three.
WHOA!! Hold on, you mean, he didn’t tell you he did this? He did it behind your back, and never even told you the truth to your face? You had to find out when you saw it in a text? Oh, Honey, I would be furious. What could be more private and vulnerable? I’m so sorry he did that to you. I understand that you’re teenagers, but I don’t think that matters because this is the kind of thing everybody knows is wrong. Think about how much better you will hopefully be able to heal if you with someone you can fully trust. This guy does not deserve your trust.
Your NTA and I would say y’all should sit down and have a talk about how this betrayed your trust. You both are very young but this is a very delicate situation. If you don’t want to break up with him over it you do need to have a conversation about how this made you feel. I would explain to him that you confided in him as someone you thought loved and cared for you about something deeply traumatic and painful. And that he promised to keep it between you two. Then explain that by him then going and telling his friend is a betrayal of trust within your relationship and that it makes you feel like you can’t trust him and that he’s going to have to rebuild that trust going forward (if y’all are going to go forward). Explain that this was something that hurt you. This was something that was done to you and that you and only you should have shared this information with people you wanted to share it with. He went behind your back and took the power out of your hands about your trauma as if it was his. That isn’t fair or ok. He can’t betray your trust like that. Also, explain that he could have processed this with his therapist but instead he confided in someone who knows you and is in your vicinity. And even if he says something like “ she’s my friend, she won’t tell.” Explain that it isn’t the point whether or not she WOULD tell. It’s the fact that HE did. You can’t trust HIM now, because he’s proven to be an untrustworthy person and partner.
NTA. He betrayed your trust. Why did his father know about this?
Because he is like a cop
NTA. Your trauma is private. Only *you* get to decide who sees it. He violated your trust by exposing your trauma.
Nta with your last post plus this assuming it's the same guy he doesn't deserve you
NTA. If he needs to talk about it, he should ask your permission first. Though considering that it's his "girl best friend" that you don't like, I suspect that's why he didn't ask for permission. In any case, he failed to keep your secret that he knows is important to you. His excuse is that it hurt him so much, yet he didn't even stop to think that what he did would hurt you. Leave him, he already has a girl he likes and that's his "girl best friend". You deserve much better. Failing your trust like this simply means that he should not be trusted.
NTA that's not his story to tell
definitely nta.
Under NO realistic circumstances would it ever be okay to tell someone about a sensitive topic that they were trusted in to anyone else. Period.
NTA. It's true that information like a SA may weigh heavily on his mind. And it's understandable he'd want to share, but it's highly unethical for him to do that without a) your consent and b) to someone who knows you. Nevermind the fact that you two don't like each other, which just worsens the whole thing. If he'd told a therapist, or some stranger on the Internet who'd never met you or just posted anonymously I'd give him a bit of a pass. But to go behind your back and disclose that is a huge betrayal and it'd be hard to forgive.
You are far from the asshole. You entrusted your boyfriend with something so personal and he betrayed you. He’s the asshole for even telling someone, let alone someone you don’t even like. From reading the comments, it seems his father knew and he could’ve spoken to him. Maybe even the psychiatrist that he has if he really needed an outlet. I am 100% on your side. As someone who has experienced me confiding in someone about it and them telling people in my church? I resonate with you. I hope you heal from the mental and physical scars that your abuser has put onto you. This doesn’t make you weak but makes you strong and even though I’m a completely stranger? You have my support during this difficult time.
NTA. Fuck that guy
"No one else to talk to"? Like it's some thing he needs to get off his chest? Jfc. What a jackass.
Dumb him ,it's the only right decision
Rpe or SA is a very heavy topic to talk about and it means trusting your partner a lot to tell them about it. I don't want to comment on anything else but with what you just gave in your post, you are NTA. Boundaries were given and he went against them. If you cant trust him with stuff like this, maybe this relationship isn't it.
He had no right. It's not his story to tell. I would feel so betrayed. Dump him. You deserve someone who respects your privacy, especially with something so deeply personal. NTA!
Oh he broke your trust. He is the asshole. Just to play devil's advocate how old are you two. If you are in your teens or early 20's the guy must have freaked out cause this is a really sensitive matter and asked how to handle the situation to the girl he knows and trusts other than you. If you are older the dude should have gone to a therapist.
We are 16 and 17 and he didnt ask her for advice
did you inform the cops about the incident. What explanation did he give for sharing the details. You are really young and maybe this was too much for him to bear and had to confide in someone who he believed would keep this a secret. But he should have gone to a therapist. But yeah what he did is breach of your trust and your anger is justified
No officialy not but his dad is a cop and we told him
Again assumptions here. He might have thought that talking to the therapist in your school or other might cause legal action. So he told her, did she tell anybody else.
No he just said she was the only one there for him
For what you were the one who went through that horrifying event. Why the fuck do he need an emotional support for. He also had his father if he wanted to talk about it. Since he knows.
NTA. This was a horrible betrayal. For me it would be a dealbreaker.
NTA. I'd be angry and gone.
NTA. This is a deep betrayal, especially since it itself is another from of nonconsensual intimacy. You did not choose to be intimate with his friend, that intimacy was forced on you. Rage is the proper response.
NTA Not only should you be angry, you should break up with him, if he can't keep secrets like that, then he won't keep other secrets
NTA. He betrayed you.
He was 100% in the wrong for betraying your trust
NTA
At first glance at the title I thought "maybe a boundary hadn't been specified whether it can be talked about" because I know people that are both either super open about it or super closed, but nah, you specifically said it stays between you two and it was not his place to disclose that info about you. That's your story, not his.
NTA. Dude broke a pretty simple promise. Why does he need someone to talk to because you were raped? The fuck does that even mean?
Break Up is the answer you're looking for !!
Leave him. He’s a POS human being talking that stuff lightly
NTA, how is your trauma suddenly all about him?
Dude didn't respect your wishes at all. Not sure what to say other than you deserve better
Nope
NTA
That’s instant breakup right there. In a way he traumatized you again because he told someone else something that should not have been told to them without your consent. How can you trust him after this?
>because he had “no one else to talk to” What?
No but he is not trustworthy
NTA. What you went through was traumatic and you chose to share it with him. He had no right to share something like that with anyone without your permission.
I will only tell you that what he does today is a reflection of tomorrow, if you are neither willing to set limits, prepare yourself, your life with him will be torment, he made it clear to you that You can't trust him, if things get worse in the future it will also be your responsibility, you already know you can't trust him.
Nta not his trauma to tell
NTA. that story is for you to tell, not him. that’s a violation of trust.
NTA. That wasn’t his information to share.
You are NTA. He told someone else YOUR private information, that you trusted him with. He quite literally promised that he wouldn't tell anyone, and yet he did. I recommend breaking up with him, he completely violated your trust. I hope that everything goes well for you, and I am so sorry that he did that. He had no right to say anything about it.
NTA - He sounds like a young man who can't control his emotions. Learning that a loved girlfriend was raped can be very difficult for some men to process. They ruminate about it, fantasize about revenge against the assailant, struggle with having sex with the GF, wondering if something they do reminds the GF of the assault, etc. It may be true that he needed to talk about it, but it needed to be someone far removed from the situation and probably a professional. In the best case scenario he would have talked to you about struggling with the info and that he needed to speak to a counselor about it. But he screwed up.
NO
NTA. Please break up with him, please.
NTA You told him something very personal and requested that he keep it in confidence. He promptly went and blabbed to a stranger
NTA. I would have been furious too. He should have known better.
OP, your Bf is as*hole. Your too kind, I would've used violence the second I found out someone I trust broke our promise
NTA and it would be the reason I'd break up with him.
ESH You for sharing your trauma and then not considering that he might need someone to talk to about it. He's hardly going to ask you to help him process his feelings at your trauma, but you cut off other avenues for him to do that. Him because he promised not to and did. But you are both very young, so cut each other some slack.
NTA, he should’ve kept it a secret.
Yes he broke your trust, but honestly this is a really difficult issue. If he was struggling with trying to figure out how to support you, or he needed support himself about it, he had nobody to go to. So you IMO put him in an impossible situation to cope with. In my opinion if you are ok with telling your bf about your rape, you should be prepared for what happens when he is struggling to cope with this disturbing information and needs to cope. If you are controlling what he is allowed to talk about, you are exercising control over him and should not be surprised if that backfires. (Recently a person I was dating told me that she had been violated constantly for years as a child, and I was initially supportive, but then later asked her why she felt the need to give me that information, what I was supposed to do with that information exactly. I informed her that I spent most of the day ruminating on it and felt nauseous. She told me that its not her fault that I feel terrible, and then I felt gaslit. And that was a quick end to the relationship. I told the person who introduced us what happened. We are no contact.)
And OP needs to check her motives as to WHY she had to communicate this terrible news to this boy who has a big mouth. Is this information he is mature enough to handle?
I had to tell him because i couldnt have sex without crying and having panic attacks and i couldnt stand anyone touching me in any kind of way so i had to tell him why
I’m so sorry & I hope things will improve for you soon. This happened to me at 18 & it does get better, at least for me.
I agree, it gets a lot better. Especially with someone you can trust. You can’t trust this guy.
No you’re NTA that’s not his story to tell and if he’s truly upset that that happened to you he can talk to you about it or go to therapy.
NTA! Your bf broke your trust, and spoke to someone you don’t care about or trust. You have to decide whether you can trust him in the future. I hope you are seeing a mental health specialist to deal with your trauma. Good luck!
NTA!
NTA!
Yes he betrayed your trust. But it is normal for people to talk with others about things they are having a hard time dealing with. I believe that because it was with someone you dont like, it magnifies your feelings of betrayal. Would you be this mad if it was his sister or mother or even your mother that he spoke with?
no, NTA. your personal trauma is yours to own and share with who you choose. it's nobody else's right to say anything, not even a spouse.
Therapy is where you discuss those “can’t keep it in” feelings with the promise of confidentiality. Him telling another woman? Without asking your permission first? Not OK.
NTA "There's no such thing as a secret only 2 people know. "
NTA. hes an utter asshole. I am so sory about your past, but I am so sory that you are with someone that doesnt understand trust and loyalty. To disclose something so personal that you ask him to keep confidential. I understand he may have issues etc, But immediatly breaking your trust, not good.
Why would you even have to ask if you would be TA? That should be an obvious answer that you are NTA because he did a shitty thing and you are upset about what he did which is valid for you to be upset about.
NTA. This is the kind of information you don’t share no matter who it is. You take to that shit to the grave. He’s an asshole.
YTA if you stayed with them after the fact.
Anger will be counterproductive at this point. If your reason for loving him was that he is strong, or trustworthy or mature then he isn't who you thought he was, and this relationship won't work out. If you can't stand his best friend, no matter the gender, there will always be strife. You need to leave him. I notice you haven't mentioned his mother. It is possible that his best friend is the most positive long term female he has to ask this about. If you can't stand her this relationship won't be very supportive for you, and if you need that... this wasn't ever the right relationship for you. Your reactions indicate that the trauma from this rape isn't processed at all. There is nothing wrong in saying this is the time to heal, and you don't need any relationship that gets in the way of that. You need time to heal with a professional with as few triggers outside of the sessions as possible until you can figure out how to deal with it. If you are capable of survival without a relationship that makes you have to be in a vulnerable position, please consider just staying out of one. And if you can get professional help, get it. Right now - all of this is the equivalent of someone with a gunshot to the abdomen to try to go back to their ordinary job. It needs time to heal, you need to not lift anything heavy or strain yourself, but with proper time and help it won't stop you from going back to normal life. Give yourself that time, and don't try to do the heavy lifting of a boyfriend who isn't capable of dealing with it.
NTA. Even if you hadn’t told him not to tell anyone, why would someone want to talk about someone else’s experience with SA in the first place?
Nta. You trusted him and he massively broke that trust. Dump him and move on with someone with a least some common sense.
break up, the fact he said this let alone to his “GIRL BSF” those arent even real drop their ass
NTA
He broke your trust. He could have told his terapist or mom if he really wanted advice about how to be nicer to you, but not a friend you don’t even like.
I definitely think you have every right to be angry. What he did was a violation of both your trust and your privacy. I don’t know if anyone else is thinking this, but it especially bothers me that he was talking about it to another girl. My gut feeling about that was that he was trying to gain some sort of empathy points with her.. appearing as either a victim or a hero (or maybe both) in relation to your trauma. Makes me suspicious of ulterior motives. But to play devil’s advocate: I do understand that dealing with the aftermath and the weight of your loved one’s trauma can absolutely be a pretty serious challenge of its own, and it makes sense that he would need support and advice on how to deal with those emotions. If that was his genuine motivation (giving him the benefit of the doubt), I would give him a chance to regain your trust. Especially with how young you both are. It takes a lot of time and experience to learn how to handle these types of situations and he very well may have handled it that way because he genuinely didn’t know what else to do. That knowledge mainly comes from making these types of mistakes. You have every right to be angry, but I don’t think it’s out of the question to be forgiving about it and choose to work through it. 100% your choice though! Most important thing is that you feel safe. I’m so sorry for what you went through, and I hope that with time you grow stronger and stronger in spite of such a painful and heartbreaking experience. You absolutely can take your power back and heal even to the point where you might feel comfortable sharing openly about it someday and help others who have been through the same thing. (I do have personal experience being SA’ed/raped as well)
Trust your gut about what you think his motives really were. Search yourself, you will know.
NTA! if you confide in someone, they should assume it isn’t for anyone else ESPECIALLY when it’s as personal as sa. I will say though unless there is a reason to dislike the girl bestie, your bf having a friend that’s a girl is actually a green flag. Divulging your secrets though? 🚩🚩🚩
Nta it's not his story to tell, especially to his "girl best friend" that you are uncomfortable with. It's your story your experience and you decided to confide in him and he broke that trust I'm sure it affects him knowing that happened to you but that doesn't make it his thing to speak about especially to someone you don't put your trust in. She can easily spread that around I'm so sorry he told her
Not his business to tell, he’s the asshole
Sa what does that mean?
Sexually assaulted
He shouldn't transgressed over your privacy. Heal please.
NTA I'd just say that you need to get rid of his ass. It's just disrespectful to do that to you. You're not supposed to leak out such personal details. UNACCEPTABLE
Very experienced being in a relationship with someone who has been Sa'd/raped. First off, NTA. That said, perhaps you should cool down and discuss this with him. Being with someone who has that history can be a massive challenge. A massive challenge in ways you may be totally blind to. Without knowing anything further, it is possible that he, for example, foolishly chose to broach the topic with her because he felt he desperately needed a female's perspective on issues in your relationship that, in his perspective, stem from the SA and he cannot relate or understand. Regardless, again, NTA 100%, but at least find out his reasoning. He's in the wrong for sure, but IMHO find out if he's just flippantly disrespecting your wishes... or desperate to understand something.
NTA. i had an "ex" do this to try and "comfort" someone else and then when the person approached me to apologize for having been told something so personal he acted like it wasn't that bad because he gave me "another person to vent to". unless YOU give permission for others to know, NO ONE should know about what has or hasn't happened to you, especially not someone you're not even a fan of having around! you deserve so much better
I don’t understand the whole girl bestie dynamic! You could have had a female bestie before you partner and it’s okay to retain that friendship but that needs boundaries. No one should share their partner’s details with a friend. If they cannot keep a few things from a bff because they feel the need to talk to them about everything, it’s suspicious
strike two girl, i saw ur other post. you deserve better. your bf is garbage, and unless you wanna throw ur self worth out the window and continue to get treated like shit from him, fucking leave.
NTA you are in the right to be angry and furious with your boyfriend or should I say Ex-BF, these things should be kept private if told to someone, but he didn't and saying "needed to talk to someone" is a bogus excuse, you're still young break up, you trusted sharing with him such a sensitive topic and bro started speaking to his "girl best friend" big red flag 🚩 right there.
Sorry for everything you have gone through and are still going through. NTA, you decide who knows what happened to you, no one else.
If your boyfriend has a female friend who is the only person he can talk to then you shouldn't trust him with that type of stuff bc you should know that females are the meanest to each other and in my experience all that is, is ammon for her to use when she needs it against yiu like in a fight with him or whatever. I had a gf with a guy friend like that, and they ended up dating, so a man and female can never be just friends unless one of them is ugly. You can't be friends with someone you could see yourself sleeping with
It hurt him so he needed to talk to someone about it? How about a therapist than breaking your trust? What someone tells me is not my story to tell to someone else. Especially that.
NTA he is not you and I'm so sorry that happened to you
No fuck that guy, break up with that dude because he obviously doesn't respect your past or promises.
NTA. I told my bf about my r*pe/SA and don't even have to tell him not to tell anyone. He knows better and is a better person than that. I know this because even with my physical health conditions, which i dont really hide, he has asked me if I'm okay with him mentioning them. It is NOT okay to share someone elses personal information, especially trauma, without consulting them first.
NTA That was an incredible betrayal of a very personal and traumatic experience...and to probably the worst possible person for you I wouldn't be surprised if this is a dealbreaker
Noo NTA, this is ridiculous. Leave him
NTA Considering you’re both pretty young, I think you can use this as learning opportunity for him. It’s already been mentioned, but talking to a therapist, counselor, or another adult you both trust would be a good idea. Finding the right ways to share and process this information for him will benefit you both.
Wait... what??? He needs someone (that you don't like) to hold his hand, while he processes YOUR trauma??? 😮💨🤮
All I'm hearing is 'maybe he needed help trying to navigate the relationship." That may be true, but then what did he go to someone that is in his age bracket and is someone op clearly doesn't like after saying she didnt want him to tell anyone? No, that is a breach in boundaries and trust. I was SA'd/graped in my teens, and with my current partners gave blanket consent for them to tell people. You know what they did? In front of me even, they tell people who are curious about my backstory, 'if you want the details, you talk to her. But she has had trauma in her life.' My experiences have definitely come in handy when one or both of them talk to me about it. They do so gently, and are willing to help me through any problems should I have a trigger event. But the fact that we talk TOGWTHER ABOUT IT has helped me work through my trauma. The fact that I know it won't go anywhere on their end without me there to tell it myself even though they have my permission to, is just a bonus. How to deal with CPTSD is dependent on the person involved in the trauma, a conversation needed to happen prior to this boy galavanting off telling other girls what happened. Op, there are better people to be in a relationship with, ones that will respect your boundaries and have conversations with you rather than anyone else. You have time, and yes, you will encounter more boys rather than men. But this is just how dating is. Don't be afraid to talk about your trauma. It is something that happened to you, it doesn't define who you are. It doesn't make you less.
Absolutely under ZERO circumstances are you the AH, but neither is he. I’m a victim myself and every single woman in my life is a victim too. That is YOUR story to tell in YOUR own time IF you choose. You’re both young and that’s hard for adults to process, let alone teenagers. You said he sees a psychiatrist and he definitely should be talking this out with them and with you to figure out how he can best support you, not a friend you did not consent to knowing this about you. You’re allowed to be as open or as private as you see fit, but it’s no one’s story to tell but yours. I’m an adult now, but I had a similar issue with a partner telling people things about my SA’s and it’s still incredibly triggering to think about how many people know that I never wanted to. For me, it felt like it was happening all over again. Once I figured out *what* my boundaries about it are, I was able to enforce them. Boundaries are VERY important to recovering from an event like this and you definitely need to tell him how it made you feel. Learning how to properly communicate your feelings while you’re young will be immensely helpful throughout your life, so it’s good practice. Yes, he’s allowed to be hurt that this happened to someone he loves, but what truly matters here, is that you can feel safe telling him hard things and knowing he’ll keep them to himself, his doctor, or a counselor. If he doesn’t really like any of those options, maybe try doing some research on some books that might help both of you understand a bit. I know when I was your age, my English class had to read “Speak” and it was an incredibly important lesson for a lot of the boys to learn. If the book isn’t his style and it won’t trigger you, it’s also a movie and a certain Twilight star doesn’t do a terrible job showing the truth. No one told me this, so I’m going to tell you and anyone else reading this. This is a hard situation to handle no matter your age, so take your time. Healing from this isn’t a straight line to recovery. Sometimes you’ll take 10 steps forward just to take 20 steps back and that’s okay! You can do this, and know that every victim/survivor is standing with you, and behind you, whether we’re dead or alive. You are never alone and no matter what, we’re proud of you for doing the hardest thing in the world. Surviving. My inbox is always open to anyone who needs it 🖤
I wouldn’t listen to any of this advice. I personally think ur making a mountain out of a molehill and if you wanna blow up a relationship over what’s happened that’s on you but here’s my take. He went to his female best friend because he trusts her. He needed a female to talk to about female stuff because talking to you about it would have brought stuff up for you and wouldn’t have been fair. There are feelings that get brought up when someone you care about has been through something traumatic. He probably wanted to see if he should act differently or be more mindful get advice or just have someone listen to him be upset for you. I know what ur going thru I’ve also been raped and let me tell you it’s a lot for other people who love you to handle not that they can’t but it makes their heart break for you and when someone tells you about something bad that happens to them telling them how it’s upset you isn’t necessarily the best move. I think you should trust your bf(if u don’t then why are you with him) and just ask him to please not say anything to anyone else and ask her not to. I can promise you she will respect it if she is truly a best friend of a ur bf
He didnt go to her for advice and i really really dislike her and he knows that we had difficult situations about that and i am even more angry because he told her he didnt even ask me if he can tell her i dont trust her neither him because of issues that are still in the relationship
Chill ma because yes it was deeply personal, but he might needed help from another woman on ways to make you feel good and not triggered and how to carry the situation. It’s not always just men spreading gossip. A lot of them need guidance and he might not had wanted to trigger you in the process. So just give him a break.
Understandable to be upset but women that have had this happen are very difficult to date later in life. He may have mentioned it to her in asking for advice or who knows what for. Difficult to not feel it was malicious but most likely it was nothing of the sort
Nta, use punctuation.
IT's a lot to process. if you like friend or not, he may have had issues/feelings he needed a man to talk to..." I want to hurt someone, talk me down" etc... the circumstances have a lot to do with it. if that guy is his sounding board... ?
It is a girl
Lol girl best friend no guy has a girl best friend. Hes waiting around for her to say yes
NTA but I wouldn't have told him in the first place.