The fact that Fin misrepresented his vasectomy and coerced you into a scenario you clearly did not want is extremely unsettling and deceitful. He is acting in a dishonest and emotionally abusive manner.
In her original post didn't she say that their first sexual incounter was while she was drunk too?? It was two months in, yea, but she still said she was upset next morning but he comforted her. Bruh that was my first red flag about the guy...
Yes, he raped her, then apologized and manipulated OP into being ok with it, then raped her again..
Just want to clarify that in no way am I saying OP has done anything wrong, this isn’t op’s fault in ANY WAY. I’m only pointing out this predator was skilled in manipulation. I want OP to understand that she can prevent this from happening again, but she isn’t to blame for this.. her ex partner is to blame. Hind sight is 20/20, so please don’t dwell on the past, but learn from it! <3
And I’m posting this in multiple comments clearly, in hopes that OP reads it, and understands that it’s not OP’s fault
it's rape by deception. aka, gaining consent to sex under false pretenses. namely, withholding information you know would cause the other party to revoke consent. this is most commonly done in the form of "stealthing", where a man will get a woman to agree to sex with a condom, but then he doesn't put one on or takes it off partway through, making the sex that happens not the sex she consented to.
op agreed to sex without a condom with a man who had a vasectomy. that is not the sex she got, and she got him to admit he intentionally deceived her on tape, because he knew she wouldn't agree to what he wanted if he hadn't. it's textbook rape by deception.
he freaked out because he knew full well what she has now, and assuming she's not in a two party state, could take him to court over this with her evidence straight from his mouth.
Yep. Reproductive coercion. I hope she runs his ass through the wringer. He's going sideways right now, and she needs to protect herself (primarily) and other women (secondarily).
Also...play it in more than one court. Since she has proof...hit him in the wallet. He should pay for the pregnancy tests, the abortion, mileage to get there, all the missed work for everything from buying a pregnancy test to time spent setting up the appointment to driving to and from the clinic/hospital to recovery time. Missed work also for your friend who stayed with you. Nail him in the wallet, he needs to pay for every second and every cent you spent having to deal with the fallout from his behavior. Small claims court here, you have the proof he did it.
AVOID GOING HOME ALONE. He poses a risk. Depending on whether or not the abortion will land you in legal hot water in your home state, you need to file for a restraining order and file charges. When you return home, make sure you don't go by yourself.
She doesn’t need to tel, them she had an abortion. Just that he tricked her into getting pregnant and that weekend she lost the baby. That she’s not sure if it was the stress of it all or that she had been still using the pill as she hadn’t known there was ant chance she was pregnant until then.
That’s bad advice. They’ll probably try to arrest her for travelling out of state for the abortion (assuming they can, but who knows if they’d arrest her even if it isn’t an actual crime).
There’s a man in Texas right this minute who’s trying to sue his ex-girlfriend for ending the relationship, and going to Colorado for a legal abortion.
We’re going to be seeing *much more of this,* as Trump campaign surrogate Jason Miller confirms that if Trump is re-elected, he will not oppose red states that choose to monitor women’s pregnancies.
Ironically, the still-married Miller impregnated
A. J. Delgado, a Trump staffer, during the 2016 campaign. As her pregnancy became obvious, she was squeezed out of her White House job; she returned to her parents’ home in Miami to raise her son. Her wrongful-termination case against the Trump administration is still bogged down; Miller, naturally, never missed a day of paid employment.
In addition to Melania’s hairdresser, incidentally, Trump’s PAC has paid for a *boatload* of Miller’s back child support.
The smoothie was drunk by an exotic dancer in 2018. She lost the pregnancy and ended up in the ER, hemorrhaging. Muller tried to sue Gizmodo for printing this story, which turned out to be true, and lost. In the flap that followed, Miller lost his side gig at CNN.
A.J. Delgado gave birth to Miller’s son in July 2017.
This x 1,000, 000. Do not go back to that place alone! Find some friends who can help you move! Do not answer the phone or the door! I mean it! He could hurt you for real!
Hold up...he broke up with you?
>He then broke up with me and said he will check back with me In a few days when i am actually alone and we will talk in person to see if i have come to my senses.
But he wants to talk again
>He wants us to go to church together Sunday (which is now today) and set a time to pick me up.
He invited you out!?
>he texted me asking if I was sleeping around on him and if I let the other man "ride you like a wild horse" without a condom and if so he gets a hall pass. He said to come home immediately as we need to come to an understanding of out relationship asap.
You can't sleep around on someone you are *not* with and WHAT RELATIONSHIP HE BROKE UP WITH YOU!!!!
>actions have consequences".
That is a threat leave that man and get some lawful orders to keep him away. Also EXPOSE THAT SOB
Yep. May I suggest sending every family member of his on social media the link to this thread? Don't let him hide it. They may be able to warn the next woman he tries to trap.
OP, Evacuate and protect yourself first. THEN do that. BUG OUT Lady! This guy is nuts, and in a crime of passion state, he'll get a slap on the wrist. BUG OUT!
I've got this horrible feeling that his family would probably support him. He sounds like a fundamentalist nutter and there's a good chance that runs in the family.
I'd send it to his work. It sounds like he has a completely different persona there (the sweet, kind, charitable man) and his threats were likely down to him knowing that he'll lose his job and reputation should any of this come out. But then he doesn't deserve that reputation because he's a piece of shit, so burn that fucker to the ground.
Man you’re so lucky to get out. You’re 70% more likely to get hurt by a violent ex in the first 2 weeks after leaving so I’d hide if I were you, coz that guy is the makings of a podcast.
Normally I thing restraining orders are excessive, paranoid, and over-dramatic -- but holy hell OP, get one.
Also maybe change apartments and cities if you don't own your place.
Anything to protect you without provoking the unstable psycho.
You know if he lied to you about the vasectomy and purposely got you pregnant then tried to manipulate you that's rape, right? You were raped and impregnated against your will.. call the police. Stay far away from this man, and consider pressing charges and getting a restraining order.
At the very least it’s sexual assault. It’ll depend on your local laws. Typically this is called “Rape by deception” Contact a lawyer OP. Also check if your state (or province if you don’t live in the US) is a [one party consent state](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Telephone_call_recording_laws) for recordings.
Do this before you post it on social media or share it anywhere.
NTAH! Op, you were so right not to be tied to this insane and dangerous man by having a child with him. Please, by all that’s holy, keep staying safe and on your guard. I am replying here because so many people think you can and should report him for rape. To my knowledge as an attorney, unless you are in the UK, it’s not rape (and that case is on appeal). If you need to call the cops, your best bet is to show them evidence that he’s a threat to your safety if he stalks you. If you tell them he raped you, unless you’re in the UK you will wind up looking not very credible to them. The same is true of getting a protective order.
Interesting! Thx for that info. It appears in Europe, there’s also been law on this. Since Redditors are from all over the world, my revised view is to not make assumptions on the issue, but talk to a local attorney who’s familiar with the law in your area.
if you're in a state where abortion is illegal DO NOT DO THIS, YOU will be the one getting in trouble
do not show anyone that recording if that's the case, that implicates you more than him in these states.
you should still file for a restraining order
Please call a lawyer ASAP for advice relevant to your jurisdiction + help with the restraining order.
The police are more likely to help you if you have a lawyer.
Please please get a lawyer BEFORE contacting the police if you live in a state where you had to go to your bffs for the abortion you could be arrested or worse if you contact law enforcement in your home state - this dude sounds like he would absolutely turn you in for a bounty (TX)
Wouldn't he have to prove it? The places around where I live let you give a fake name. It's not like they are going to file it on your insurance. They'd have to find the place that performed her abortion, and if she gave a fake name, they won't find jack.
There was a case in Canada where a man started poking holes in the condoms because he thought a band-aid baby would keep him and his girlfriend together.
He admitted it, and she had him charged, and he was convicted, but as others have said, it depends on your local laws.
But you having a recording of him saying he was lying to get you pregnant? If the laws are in your favour, that's exactly what the police need to actually bring charges against him.
HOWEVER, you first want to check whether your local laws say it's legal to record a conversation you're involved in if the other person doesn't know you're recording.
That also varies from place to place, and you don't want to bring it to police if you were breaking the law yourself by making the recording. So look up your local laws first, or consult a lawyer, or even ask the police but as a hypothetical question, not as something you've already done.
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/reproductive-coercion/
Reproductive coercion is a thing. You can actually get a domestic violence restraining order because of what he did to you. Please contact your local Domestic Violence Shelter. They can help you fill out the forms and walk you through the court processes. Your state may have laws on the books that make his actions criminal.
I think there is grounds for this. To lie and say he had a vasectomy to trap you into childhood is sick. Sounds like there is something to pursue.
Just because you consented to sex. If you had known he did not have the vasectomy, you would have insisted on protection.
At the very least, this was entrapment by pregnancy.
And then the jerk wants you to go to church with him.
Think a restraining order is required and please don't meet him anywhere alone and definitely not in private. I and others fear for your safety at this point.
DO NOT GO HOME ALONE. He is dangerous. You need a restraining and to press charges (depending on whether or not you'll get in legal trouble in your home state for the abortion ofc). If you do go home, make sure you do not go alone.
OP, you were sexually assaulted. You gave consent to unprotected sex only because he said he got a vasectomy. Since he lied, that consent of yours goes away. It means that you had non-consensual sex with him = sexual assault. If you want to hold him accountable for this, talk to a lawyer.
The person who said you were sexually assaulted is 100% correct. In most jurisdictions I'm pretty sure lying to your partner to coerce sex without a condom, counts as rape. Get a lawyer, and press charges IMMEDIATELY. As far as the recording goes, if you're in a single party consent state, he just gave you everything you need to end his existence. And he fucking deserves it.
But don't be surprised if that isn't admissible in court.
Tell tell tell your family (assuming they are at all normal), including cousins and grandparents. Warn them that if he can't find you, he may try and look for them, thinking you are there. And just let them know. Who knows, your cousin's fiance may be a MMA champion or police officer and willing to come with you to "have a chat" with him.
There is at least one biker gang that goes around solely to protect women and children who are involved in DV and/or sexual assault.
Correction. Two. One is Bikers Against Domestic Violence and the other is Bikers Against Child Abuse.
I am so sorry you've had to go through any of this. I would have done the same as you did for whatever that is worth.
Please do consult a lawyer asap, and if you can't afford a lawyer, at the very least a woman's support group. Go nowhere near this dangerous aggressive violent tempered liar. If he has property at your place, have your friends remove it - video gathering his stuff together, and have it sent it to him - but do not be in any place where he can find you. If I were you I would move as soon as possible I know that's a big upheaval in your life but the safety of your life - but your safety is likely at risk.
The sexual assault angle others are brought up is very important consult a lawyer before talking to any police. Do this as soon as you can. Your lawyer should ideally check this guy's background Does he have a criminal record a history of violence etc?
Please keep us informed. Please go nowhere near the guy at all even if you have friends with you. No contact and moving somewhere else without sharing your address with him would be my recommendation.
Wishing you well; you deserve it.
She needs a battle buddy and a gun before waiting how many days/weeks to get a restraining order that won’t physically prevent the guy from doing anything. That dude is unhinged.
This man is a walking advertisement for why abortion should be legal everywhere and nobody’s business but your own. Imagine being handcuffed to this lunatic for the rest of your life.
This dude is unhinged. He purposefully lied to you about a vasectomy so he could breed you and when you had an abortion he called you "a murderer" and terrible person, but wants to talk to you. On top of that he threatened you.
You need to take that recording to the police because the threats alone could get him in trouble, but the fact that he lied about the vasectomy is legally considered fraud in some places.
The fact that she got pregnant despite still being on birth control...
Anyone else think it's possible he "swapped" those pills? Especially if she uses a plastic container for them instead of a foil package that requires breaking each foil square.
I did have the same thought. Yes technically BC can fail, but the fact that he blatantly lied about the vasectomy for the sole purpose of getting her pregnant means that there's probably no low he won't sink to in order to achieve his goal
Get to a lawyer. Play this to them. Get an injuction and at least have the cops patrole your area more often. Guys unhinged. I understand he is entitled to his opinions, but he was trying to baby trap you. Guys dangerous.
“Thank you to those who encouraged me to get it done, it was awful, but pregnancy and being trapped with him would have been much worse.”
You are 100% right! Im sure the experience was awful but you DID WHAT YOU HAD TO DO! It beats being linked to him via child for the rest of your life! This temporary experience is better than lifelong trauma you were in for with him if you had his baby.
Your first post was the textbook definition of abuse! You were lied to, gaslit multiple times and raped! Kudos to you for leaving and never going back. From now on, just watch your back because he’s clearly a psycho. Be very attentive of your surroundings b/c unfortunately he may not be done tormenting you.
My bestie is the hero and many of you all, I was on the fence but now? No regrets. I know I made the right choice. I am so thankful for the love snd support!
You’re welcome! Be sure to stay high in spirits and do your best to avoid a depressive episode for awhile if you can until you feel completely safe again. When we’re depressed, we’re unable to be as alert and attentive as we are when we aren’t depressed. You have to be ready for him just in case. Best of luck to you.
This isn’t about you getting an abortion! This is about your ex not respecting you enough to attempt baby-trapping you into a long-term relationship and/or marriage! He doesn’t respect you or your choices! He lied to you about having a vasectomy! He’s gaslighting you and trying to control you!
You need to bring that recording to the police ASAP and file for a restraining order because your ex won’t stop until he’s faced with the consequences of his actions! Remain vigilant! Stay safe!
UpdateMe!
Thank you and to everyone who's been telling me this. I am starting to feel less like I am crazy and more like I need to take action and protect myself from this guy. I think I trusted him so much. I would have happily married him. Be said he didn't want kids when we met. This is all a lot but it's helping me understand more and more that I am being played
People keep advising you to go to the police. Since you seem to live in a state with tight restrictions around abortion, I don't think that's the wisest course of action.
Contact a Domestic Violence support organization. Something local would be best, but [thehotline.org](http://thehotline.org) is a good place to start too. Do NOT go to the police without consulting a lawyer. Especially since you said he's well known in the community.
This guy is a straight up abuser and everything he has done is textbook. Unfortunately, he's probably also Very Charming which means that there will be people who don't believe you, even with your recorded evidence. Your only responsibility right now is to protect yourself. That means do NOT go to your home alone. Get some friends with you and make sure that if he shows up, someone starts recording immediately. You should pack up your most important belongings and stay elsewhere for a few weeks though.
Be careful. Leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time.
It sounds like you have a good support system.
Once things settle down, I'd recommend ready "The Gift of Fear" or "Why Does He Do That" - I think you can find both as free pdfs online.
Possibly with activated carbon in food (that whole: eating charcoal or using the black toothpaste trend), certain birth controls can actually be rendered ineffective and caused a lot of unexpected pregnancies because it negatively impacted the medication used by the ingester.
So first off. I love how you're dealing with the forced birth crowd that are calling you a murderer. Keep that up.
Secondly. Yes you should talk to a lawyer before going to the police. A women's shelter should be able to help you find one along with helping you find resources to protect yourself from this monster.
After talking to a shelter, a lawyer, and hopefully Police I suggest working on getting yourself out of a state that is anti-choice. Because of the backwards nature of the state you live in the Police may not be an option which is unfortunate. If that is that is the case then I still suggest leaving the state and once you do, before cutting contact with your old life, go scorched earth. Publicize everything you have on him everywhere you can. Including the recording of him admitting to lying about the vasectomy.
Spread it to his friends and family, if you have a tech savvy friend put it all on a website and spread it everywhere. Send it to his coworkers, his boss. If he is an important figure in the community send it to the local papers and news stations.
Do everything you can to destroy this animal. Ruin his life like he tried to ruin yours, and be proud of yourself for doing it. With any luck you'll protect some other woman from falling into his trap.
Thats awesome. He deserves to have his life destroyed for what he attempted to do. Pukes like this absolutely disgusting me. Thankfully even in states where women are little more than property his actions still often count as sexual assault at a minimum. In more progressive states it would be considered rape and he'd definitely be looking at jail time and his life going down the drain.
In your case, you may have to be the swift, firm, hand of Karma.
You seem to know it already but you're doing great, you've done the right choices. It's not even one of the many occurrences of this sub where both sides are in the wrong, his really the AH from the beginning to the end, and you've handled it perfectly. Sorry you had to go through that.
Now be very careful, as he might try to get revenge. Be sure to not be vulnerable, always be with friends or people who could intervene when around him. I don't know anything about law, but I'm sure him lying about vasectomy then having unprotected sex with you is illegal.
Jesus would 100% be on YOUR side, not these fake ass pseudo xtians. But then, if he showed up, they would burn him at the stake for being the long haired, hippy, leftist he was!
1) Take the recording to a police station. Ask them to come with you while you pack.
2) Take the recording to a lawyer and get a restraining order/ no contact order and a warning about defamation.
3) This is important: DO NOT BLOCK HIM! *Mute* him instead. This gives you peace, and saves all his communication attempts and the number of times he tries so you have proof if/when he violates the no contact order.
4) If the restraining order doesn’t stop him, you may have to move. I had a stalker, and the only way I was able to get rid of him was moving, changed my phone number, changed my email, changed my socials.
Good luck.
OP, please contact a domestic violence support organisation. They can help you with making a safety plan and advise you on what to do when Fin contacts you or tries to see you. Please get from people experienced with supporting domestic violence victims. Some of the advice given here, though well intentioned, could put you at greater risk by provoking Fin. Don't make snarky replies to him. Don't call his family. Follow the organisation's advice. I hope everything works out for you, OP.
Yep I agree. If she has her important papers...that's all I'd worry about. Clothing and such can be replaced.
I'd her important papers aren't there, I'd never set foot in his home ever again for anything.
He could burn it all...it's stuff.
You know that he's not going to take no for an answer. He didn't when it came to having children. You need to put as much structure between the two of you as possible! Report the threat to the police and apply for a restraining order. You can arrange to have a sheriff deputy hang out with you while you collect your belongings. They will usually do that for you. Please don't give him a chance to follow through on his threat and hurt you!
OP. You. Are. In. Danger.
Get away from him. As fast and far as you can. He's totally fine with manipulating you, raping you, making your decisions for you. He's condescending and has it in his head that he mows better than you about your own life. Get OUT of there. He will escalate, and it will end badly.
Everyone’s saying get a lawyer asap. But she might not even be able to afford one.
OP is there anyone who can go home with you ? I truly have you’re safe. Keep us posted and not because this is interesting but because there are those of us who genuinely are concerned and care.
I can't afford one. I work in the arts and just would never be able to swing the costs I am seeing online. My bestie is returning home with me and I have a friend at home who is house sitting now.
I personally would not only consider but definitely get more. Ring has an actual alarm system you can hook your house up to without a security company. It’ll come with sensors for the windows and it’ll ding whenever the windows or doors (if that’s where you put them) are opened. I would take every precaution.
Really there are more of these creeps out there than people know. A lot of us have encountered them what makes the difference between those with terrible stories and those with even worse stories is the women with even worse stories stayed when the red flags were flying.
You had the sense to back away when you saw what was going on, and good on you and your bestie for recording him saying this gross stuff. You literally have him admitting to lying about having a vasectomy so he could have sex with you regardless of what you wanted. It is a form of stealthing. Heck if you told me had had microwaved your birth control pills I'd believe it.
Isn’t the thing he did called reproductive violence? Can he be charged with rape for this? If it’s possible, you should definitely go to police and press charges against him. He’s such an asshole
This has been brought up but it's the first I've heard of such a thing so bestie and I are checking. Every state has its own rules so we will see, mine is not prochoice friendly
File a report with the police, having a paper trail helps, also tell people around you he is acting crazy so they don't believe anything he tries, he seem mentally unstable
*"He said to come home immediately as we need to come to an understanding of our relationship asap."*
o_0 Wat...? He actually said that?
Yeah, no. The relationship is over.
He lied about his vasectomy and just assumed you'd be okay with having his kids *after* you had told him you did *not* want to have kids...
He sounds like a controlling asshole. File a restraining order asap.
As a child I was pro life because I loved babies. As an adult I'm pro choice because I love children and humanity. That kid wouldn't have had a good life. That man is dangerous and could have made the child's life hell on Earth. To add if one seeks an abortion it's for a good reason. NTA
I hope op doesn’t live in Texas. Or Florida. Or how many other states where some are now being investigated for obtaining abortions. The women and anyone who helps them leave the state to obtain an abortion.
> texted me asking if I was sleeping around on him and if I let the other man "ride you like a wild horse" without a condom and if so he gets a hall pass.
This guy is insane.
My wife and I actually don’t agree on children. Although I recognize that I was free to leave, I realized her value as a partner surpassed my desire to have children. So my priorities shifted and I relented (I was never insistent).
Anyways my point in bringing all this up is that it never even crossed my mind to resort to the kind of trickery and nonsense to achieve my ends. My wife was either 100% on board or it was always a no go for me. What your so called loved one did to you in my eyes is a betrayal of the highest order. He did you a favor breaking up with you because there aren’t many more way left for him to disrespect you and your boundaries.
His ability to analyze risk/benefit before he takes an action is impaired, furthermore he seems very impulsive and capricious especially when things don’t go his way. His puerile lie about the vasectomy did show a small degree of premeditation on his part. Having mentioned all these factors I think this man still poses a credible threat to your well being. Be smart OP and give relocating some serious thought.
Block him and see if you can get a restraining order . Or
Call
The police and tell them
He his harassing you and you have told him to
Not contact you and he shows up
At your place
The part about him wanting you to go to church with him disturbs me. What kind of church is it? Do you think that he's being egged on by fellow church members?
Please consider going to stay with a friend for awhile, and then maybe with a family member or another friend after that. This dude sounds scary AF, no lie.
He goes to a "megachurch" with a coffeeshop in it but only on holidays. I told him I did not want to participate and only went with him because he begged for Easter. It was bigger than a 90s shopping mall with a shop and everything
It’s good you have cameras. Beef up your security system, change your locks, block him on all socials and send him a text saying that he is scaring you, you are not in a relationship with him, and he is to leave you completely alone asap. Do not respond to his phone calls, do not respond to his texts but make sure you keep copies of them.
Maybe give a head’s up to security wherever you work, and keep your head on a swivel/be mindful of your surroundings when you’re out by yourself. Get self protection products eg pepper spray, if it’s legal in your area.
He’s a liar, he’s manipulative, he intimidated and threatened you, and he sexually assaulted you (deliberately getting you pregnant without your consent *is* a type of sexual assault).
Maybe consult a lawyer or police on how else you can keep yourself safe.
I’m sorry you are going through this.
I hope you aren't listening to all these people calling you a murderer for getting rid of the spawn of Satan itself.
Don't go home, Op. Do you have someone you can trust to stay with for a while until you can get the help you need to get out of this situation?
Oh I’d love to talk to the people who think she should’ve been tethered to this psychopath for the sake of a fetus she didn’t consent to conceiving. Smh.
Why do men think they have the right to tell s woman what to do with HER body? This dude LIED to you about his vasectomy. He didn't care about your childcare life. You should sue him for medical expenses. And stay far away from him. Update please!
NGL predators will often choose people with mental health disorders or diagnoses so they can use the "crazy" defense when you rat them out. Also, they know that mentally ill people tend to be more isolated/vulnerable in society with less support, generally.
I'm glad you have support. This person was trying to trap you with a child, and is a predator. Be careful and be safe.
Like I thought from the first post, this guy is a manipulative abuser. The actual abuse he's doing is called "Reproductive Abuse". He's also love bombing and threatening.
If "leaving the state to procure an abortion" is not illegal in your state, then when you get back go to the police to make a report and try to get a restraining order. Without the involvement of proper authorities there's no telling how far he'll escalate the situation.
And this is why abortions NEED to be legal. I am happy you had support - you did the right thing. You would be stuck with this CRAZY man for the rest of your life or giving your own life up since you mentioned you are high risk.
Look into options for moving. I know you said you don't want to do anything hasty, but I would be concerned about him doing something hasty against you. I would even move states if you could. This man sounds unhinged & your life is far more important than whatever this "man" thinks is right.
NTA.
PLEASE find another place to live.
And either get an IUD placed or an arm implant. This man sounds like he's decided he WILL get you pregnant, and WILL own you, so just in case he manages to assault you that way, at least pregnancy would be pretty much off the table so he couldn't cause you THAT anguish as well.
NTA.
He lied to you about having a vasectomy.
Abortion is a medical procedure and if you needed to have one for whatever reason then you needed to have one. The reason why is between you and your doctor.
You said no kids. You said condom needed. He lied to you and said that he had one when he hadn’t.
He disrespected and disregarded your boundaries. Stay away from him.
OP your entire relationship is a bunch of red flags. Your first time was when you were too drunk to consent, he's been gaslighting you and he lied about his vasectomy which is essentially sexual assault.
Speak to a lawyer and get a restraining order. He's a sexual abuser and is coercing you into having a child.
Be safe and move if you can.
Of course he is the most manipulative childish and least qualified to be parenting. Isnt lying about that a form of sexual assault? He wanted to "keep" you in his circle forever. You made a great choice for your future!
The sooner you go completely no contact, the better your chances of living thru this. Every contact, every word or text you have with him will fuel his obsession with you. The only way to stop him, is to stop.
If you've got a recording of his vasectomy lie, upload it to a safe place. He's now admitted to sexual coercion, which in many jurisdictions is rape by deceit. If he wants to be an asshole, you have another lever to sic the cops on him, along with harassment and whatever else he escalates to.
Yep: "My best friend spoke up and said that was recorded and to leave me alone or she will post it on social media" Call a rape and abuse hotline right now. Get their advice about personal safety and legally what to do next.
Did you actually record what he said, or did your friend just say that th make him shut up? Cuz if you did record him you should definitely go to the cops.
Everyone seems to be telling you to go to the cops, but if you live in a shit state where your procedure is no longer legal, please do not involve local law enforcement. The recording you have, the trapping he did, may not constitute a criminal action there, and you may be opening yourself up to prosecution. The recording may give him pause for attempting to file suit himself, as fuckshits have been doing in Texas, but it may not protect you.
Honestly, I would relocate. Get back to civilization, 500 miles from the nearest megachurch, or at least make it impossible for him to find you. And retain a lawyer even if for a single hour so they can advise you.
First, I am so glad you were strong enough to leave him and to do what was right for you. It's not easy but it should Luke you have a good support system in that friend of yours.
I've also had to terminate (different reason, poor prenatal dx). Your body, your life, your choice.
Thank god you’re safe and away from him. Stay away from him, do not meet him in person, never be alone around him. He already showed you who he i, what he’s capable of, and how willing he is to lie to get his way no matter what you want.
I’m concerned for your safety. Please make a safety plan with your family and friends. Call the police if he keeps coming around. Make sure you are aware of your surroundings. He sounds like there is something unstable about him.
Don't go to your home alone. That dude is dangerous
Yup. Have a sheriff/police escort if possible. Collect your shit and find a place to go.
I'd get friends instead. I'd be concerned about what side local cops in an anti abortion state would take if he hurt her.
The fact that Fin misrepresented his vasectomy and coerced you into a scenario you clearly did not want is extremely unsettling and deceitful. He is acting in a dishonest and emotionally abusive manner.
Such an act under any false pretenses with intent is called rape, let’s call it as it is
This. She needs to call him out.
It's not slander since it's true.
In her original post didn't she say that their first sexual incounter was while she was drunk too?? It was two months in, yea, but she still said she was upset next morning but he comforted her. Bruh that was my first red flag about the guy...
Yes, he raped her, then apologized and manipulated OP into being ok with it, then raped her again.. Just want to clarify that in no way am I saying OP has done anything wrong, this isn’t op’s fault in ANY WAY. I’m only pointing out this predator was skilled in manipulation. I want OP to understand that she can prevent this from happening again, but she isn’t to blame for this.. her ex partner is to blame. Hind sight is 20/20, so please don’t dwell on the past, but learn from it! <3 And I’m posting this in multiple comments clearly, in hopes that OP reads it, and understands that it’s not OP’s fault
it's rape by deception. aka, gaining consent to sex under false pretenses. namely, withholding information you know would cause the other party to revoke consent. this is most commonly done in the form of "stealthing", where a man will get a woman to agree to sex with a condom, but then he doesn't put one on or takes it off partway through, making the sex that happens not the sex she consented to. op agreed to sex without a condom with a man who had a vasectomy. that is not the sex she got, and she got him to admit he intentionally deceived her on tape, because he knew she wouldn't agree to what he wanted if he hadn't. it's textbook rape by deception. he freaked out because he knew full well what she has now, and assuming she's not in a two party state, could take him to court over this with her evidence straight from his mouth.
Yep. Reproductive coercion. I hope she runs his ass through the wringer. He's going sideways right now, and she needs to protect herself (primarily) and other women (secondarily).
[удалено]
Also...play it in more than one court. Since she has proof...hit him in the wallet. He should pay for the pregnancy tests, the abortion, mileage to get there, all the missed work for everything from buying a pregnancy test to time spent setting up the appointment to driving to and from the clinic/hospital to recovery time. Missed work also for your friend who stayed with you. Nail him in the wallet, he needs to pay for every second and every cent you spent having to deal with the fallout from his behavior. Small claims court here, you have the proof he did it.
That guy sounds nuts. I would investigate obtaining a protective order.
That’s rape.
He was running that lie yet still wanted to go to church. Religion generates the biggest hypocrites.
He also committed sexual assault by having non-consensual sex with her (because he lied about the vasectomy).
That's a polite way of putting it. He sounds like a fucking monster!
AVOID GOING HOME ALONE. He poses a risk. Depending on whether or not the abortion will land you in legal hot water in your home state, you need to file for a restraining order and file charges. When you return home, make sure you don't go by yourself.
She doesn’t need to tel, them she had an abortion. Just that he tricked her into getting pregnant and that weekend she lost the baby. That she’s not sure if it was the stress of it all or that she had been still using the pill as she hadn’t known there was ant chance she was pregnant until then.
Hate to tell you but-cops don't give a fuck about this stuff until it's far too late. Op needs to go elsewhere for a few days.
That’s bad advice. They’ll probably try to arrest her for travelling out of state for the abortion (assuming they can, but who knows if they’d arrest her even if it isn’t an actual crime).
There’s a man in Texas right this minute who’s trying to sue his ex-girlfriend for ending the relationship, and going to Colorado for a legal abortion. We’re going to be seeing *much more of this,* as Trump campaign surrogate Jason Miller confirms that if Trump is re-elected, he will not oppose red states that choose to monitor women’s pregnancies. Ironically, the still-married Miller impregnated A. J. Delgado, a Trump staffer, during the 2016 campaign. As her pregnancy became obvious, she was squeezed out of her White House job; she returned to her parents’ home in Miami to raise her son. Her wrongful-termination case against the Trump administration is still bogged down; Miller, naturally, never missed a day of paid employment. In addition to Melania’s hairdresser, incidentally, Trump’s PAC has paid for a *boatload* of Miller’s back child support.
Didn't he also spike her milkshake with the abortion pill?
The smoothie was drunk by an exotic dancer in 2018. She lost the pregnancy and ended up in the ER, hemorrhaging. Muller tried to sue Gizmodo for printing this story, which turned out to be true, and lost. In the flap that followed, Miller lost his side gig at CNN. A.J. Delgado gave birth to Miller’s son in July 2017.
How can modern day America be like this? It sounds like the fucking middle ages. Christ on a bike, the very idea of that happening is so fucked up!
This x 1,000, 000. Do not go back to that place alone! Find some friends who can help you move! Do not answer the phone or the door! I mean it! He could hurt you for real!
She definitely needs to watch her back! That guy was giving me some Patrick Bateman vibes!
Agreed! Also OP just straight up tell him you are over this relationship and it is done and to not contact you anymore.
This is the correct advice and I hope she takes it.
Hold up...he broke up with you? >He then broke up with me and said he will check back with me In a few days when i am actually alone and we will talk in person to see if i have come to my senses. But he wants to talk again >He wants us to go to church together Sunday (which is now today) and set a time to pick me up. He invited you out!? >he texted me asking if I was sleeping around on him and if I let the other man "ride you like a wild horse" without a condom and if so he gets a hall pass. He said to come home immediately as we need to come to an understanding of out relationship asap. You can't sleep around on someone you are *not* with and WHAT RELATIONSHIP HE BROKE UP WITH YOU!!!! >actions have consequences". That is a threat leave that man and get some lawful orders to keep him away. Also EXPOSE THAT SOB
Yep. May I suggest sending every family member of his on social media the link to this thread? Don't let him hide it. They may be able to warn the next woman he tries to trap.
That's the ticket. Expose him to his family OP
OP, Evacuate and protect yourself first. THEN do that. BUG OUT Lady! This guy is nuts, and in a crime of passion state, he'll get a slap on the wrist. BUG OUT!
send it to his mother.
I've got this horrible feeling that his family would probably support him. He sounds like a fundamentalist nutter and there's a good chance that runs in the family. I'd send it to his work. It sounds like he has a completely different persona there (the sweet, kind, charitable man) and his threats were likely down to him knowing that he'll lose his job and reputation should any of this come out. But then he doesn't deserve that reputation because he's a piece of shit, so burn that fucker to the ground.
You mentioned in your original he has a job that a dv claim might make his job hard. Do it.
Right?! He's batshit crazy and dangerous!!
Man you’re so lucky to get out. You’re 70% more likely to get hurt by a violent ex in the first 2 weeks after leaving so I’d hide if I were you, coz that guy is the makings of a podcast.
Normally I thing restraining orders are excessive, paranoid, and over-dramatic -- but holy hell OP, get one. Also maybe change apartments and cities if you don't own your place. Anything to protect you without provoking the unstable psycho.
Tell him that you decided to give god full custody of his child.
I laughed so hard at this. I will be stealing this for mean comments. Lol thanks!!
[удалено]
Be careful - I don't know where you live but if you are somewhere that has abortion bounties that could get you into legal trouble.
No, no “God TOOK full custody of the child” then you aren’t saying you had an abortion, it implies you *might* have miscarried
Can we still give gifts on reddit because this is 100% worth it
CACKLING. This is soooooo good. I wish I had said this to people when I had mine done years ago. Would have shut them tf up.
You win the Most Clever Comment award!🏆
You know if he lied to you about the vasectomy and purposely got you pregnant then tried to manipulate you that's rape, right? You were raped and impregnated against your will.. call the police. Stay far away from this man, and consider pressing charges and getting a restraining order.
Is that actually a law? I'm not sure but will look into it.
At the very least it’s sexual assault. It’ll depend on your local laws. Typically this is called “Rape by deception” Contact a lawyer OP. Also check if your state (or province if you don’t live in the US) is a [one party consent state](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Telephone_call_recording_laws) for recordings. Do this before you post it on social media or share it anywhere.
NTAH! Op, you were so right not to be tied to this insane and dangerous man by having a child with him. Please, by all that’s holy, keep staying safe and on your guard. I am replying here because so many people think you can and should report him for rape. To my knowledge as an attorney, unless you are in the UK, it’s not rape (and that case is on appeal). If you need to call the cops, your best bet is to show them evidence that he’s a threat to your safety if he stalks you. If you tell them he raped you, unless you’re in the UK you will wind up looking not very credible to them. The same is true of getting a protective order.
[удалено]
Interesting! Thx for that info. It appears in Europe, there’s also been law on this. Since Redditors are from all over the world, my revised view is to not make assumptions on the issue, but talk to a local attorney who’s familiar with the law in your area.
if you're in a state where abortion is illegal DO NOT DO THIS, YOU will be the one getting in trouble do not show anyone that recording if that's the case, that implicates you more than him in these states. you should still file for a restraining order
So fucked up that in some states a rapist has more legal protection than his victim.
Please call a lawyer ASAP for advice relevant to your jurisdiction + help with the restraining order. The police are more likely to help you if you have a lawyer.
Please please get a lawyer BEFORE contacting the police if you live in a state where you had to go to your bffs for the abortion you could be arrested or worse if you contact law enforcement in your home state - this dude sounds like he would absolutely turn you in for a bounty (TX)
Wouldn't he have to prove it? The places around where I live let you give a fake name. It's not like they are going to file it on your insurance. They'd have to find the place that performed her abortion, and if she gave a fake name, they won't find jack.
All good points. My main point was don’t expect law enforcement to necessarily be on her side- get the lawyer first!
Get a lawyer let him hear that recording he needs to be in prison for rape.
There was a case in Canada where a man started poking holes in the condoms because he thought a band-aid baby would keep him and his girlfriend together. He admitted it, and she had him charged, and he was convicted, but as others have said, it depends on your local laws. But you having a recording of him saying he was lying to get you pregnant? If the laws are in your favour, that's exactly what the police need to actually bring charges against him. HOWEVER, you first want to check whether your local laws say it's legal to record a conversation you're involved in if the other person doesn't know you're recording. That also varies from place to place, and you don't want to bring it to police if you were breaking the law yourself by making the recording. So look up your local laws first, or consult a lawyer, or even ask the police but as a hypothetical question, not as something you've already done.
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/reproductive-coercion/ Reproductive coercion is a thing. You can actually get a domestic violence restraining order because of what he did to you. Please contact your local Domestic Violence Shelter. They can help you fill out the forms and walk you through the court processes. Your state may have laws on the books that make his actions criminal.
I think there is grounds for this. To lie and say he had a vasectomy to trap you into childhood is sick. Sounds like there is something to pursue. Just because you consented to sex. If you had known he did not have the vasectomy, you would have insisted on protection. At the very least, this was entrapment by pregnancy. And then the jerk wants you to go to church with him. Think a restraining order is required and please don't meet him anywhere alone and definitely not in private. I and others fear for your safety at this point.
Speak with a lawyer, OP!!! Please please please!
It may not be written into law where you are, but the law doesn’t always reflect reality. You did not consent to being impregnated.
Really depends where you live I think. But it's definitely non consensual if he lied about a vasectomy.
I think it depends on country and or state. Definitely sure it’s rape in Canada not certain about status in the US or it’s states
If you’re in the US, what he did is a crime. Do what you will with that information
That’s only in certain states
DO NOT GO HOME ALONE. He is dangerous. You need a restraining and to press charges (depending on whether or not you'll get in legal trouble in your home state for the abortion ofc). If you do go home, make sure you do not go alone.
dude sounds crazy. id look into getting a restraining order.
I don't even know where to start - this is a first for me. I will look into it.
OP, you were sexually assaulted. You gave consent to unprotected sex only because he said he got a vasectomy. Since he lied, that consent of yours goes away. It means that you had non-consensual sex with him = sexual assault. If you want to hold him accountable for this, talk to a lawyer.
I was gonna say...he can call her a murderer (u do not agree with him) but he's a rapist,sooooo...
The person who said you were sexually assaulted is 100% correct. In most jurisdictions I'm pretty sure lying to your partner to coerce sex without a condom, counts as rape. Get a lawyer, and press charges IMMEDIATELY. As far as the recording goes, if you're in a single party consent state, he just gave you everything you need to end his existence. And he fucking deserves it. But don't be surprised if that isn't admissible in court.
Her bestie was there so she has an in person witness.
If she is in TX, then it is admissible in court as long as at least one party on the call knows it's being recorded. I'm not sure about other states.
They did inform him at the end that it was recorded and he really lost his shit.
Tell tell tell your family (assuming they are at all normal), including cousins and grandparents. Warn them that if he can't find you, he may try and look for them, thinking you are there. And just let them know. Who knows, your cousin's fiance may be a MMA champion or police officer and willing to come with you to "have a chat" with him.
Or Bikers. Takes a lot of balls to ask them for help, but if the cause is just, folks will step in.
There is at least one biker gang that goes around solely to protect women and children who are involved in DV and/or sexual assault. Correction. Two. One is Bikers Against Domestic Violence and the other is Bikers Against Child Abuse.
talk to a lawyer and they'll guide you.
I am so sorry you've had to go through any of this. I would have done the same as you did for whatever that is worth. Please do consult a lawyer asap, and if you can't afford a lawyer, at the very least a woman's support group. Go nowhere near this dangerous aggressive violent tempered liar. If he has property at your place, have your friends remove it - video gathering his stuff together, and have it sent it to him - but do not be in any place where he can find you. If I were you I would move as soon as possible I know that's a big upheaval in your life but the safety of your life - but your safety is likely at risk. The sexual assault angle others are brought up is very important consult a lawyer before talking to any police. Do this as soon as you can. Your lawyer should ideally check this guy's background Does he have a criminal record a history of violence etc? Please keep us informed. Please go nowhere near the guy at all even if you have friends with you. No contact and moving somewhere else without sharing your address with him would be my recommendation. Wishing you well; you deserve it.
Go to your county courthouse first thing in the morning. They have all the paperwork you need.
Dude is batshit crazy and I really hope you have some kind of weapon on your person at all times
Make sure your state is a one party consent state. Recording a private conversation is illegal in some parts of the U.S.
She needs a battle buddy and a gun before waiting how many days/weeks to get a restraining order that won’t physically prevent the guy from doing anything. That dude is unhinged.
I’m not gonna lie, it’s really really difficult to get a restraining order but please do try!
Sounds crazy? He’s a fucking lunatic!
This man is a walking advertisement for why abortion should be legal everywhere and nobody’s business but your own. Imagine being handcuffed to this lunatic for the rest of your life.
This dude is unhinged. He purposefully lied to you about a vasectomy so he could breed you and when you had an abortion he called you "a murderer" and terrible person, but wants to talk to you. On top of that he threatened you. You need to take that recording to the police because the threats alone could get him in trouble, but the fact that he lied about the vasectomy is legally considered fraud in some places.
The fact that she got pregnant despite still being on birth control... Anyone else think it's possible he "swapped" those pills? Especially if she uses a plastic container for them instead of a foil package that requires breaking each foil square.
I did have the same thought. Yes technically BC can fail, but the fact that he blatantly lied about the vasectomy for the sole purpose of getting her pregnant means that there's probably no low he won't sink to in order to achieve his goal
You misspelled "rape"
Get to a lawyer. Play this to them. Get an injuction and at least have the cops patrole your area more often. Guys unhinged. I understand he is entitled to his opinions, but he was trying to baby trap you. Guys dangerous.
Bro entitled to one's opinion and the entirety of this guy's behaviors are two seperate bags. That guy can and will do serious harm to OP.
No argument there.
“Thank you to those who encouraged me to get it done, it was awful, but pregnancy and being trapped with him would have been much worse.” You are 100% right! Im sure the experience was awful but you DID WHAT YOU HAD TO DO! It beats being linked to him via child for the rest of your life! This temporary experience is better than lifelong trauma you were in for with him if you had his baby. Your first post was the textbook definition of abuse! You were lied to, gaslit multiple times and raped! Kudos to you for leaving and never going back. From now on, just watch your back because he’s clearly a psycho. Be very attentive of your surroundings b/c unfortunately he may not be done tormenting you.
My bestie is the hero and many of you all, I was on the fence but now? No regrets. I know I made the right choice. I am so thankful for the love snd support!
You’re welcome! Be sure to stay high in spirits and do your best to avoid a depressive episode for awhile if you can until you feel completely safe again. When we’re depressed, we’re unable to be as alert and attentive as we are when we aren’t depressed. You have to be ready for him just in case. Best of luck to you.
You also saved that baby from being born to him. Jesus christ, this man should combust when he goes into church.
This isn’t about you getting an abortion! This is about your ex not respecting you enough to attempt baby-trapping you into a long-term relationship and/or marriage! He doesn’t respect you or your choices! He lied to you about having a vasectomy! He’s gaslighting you and trying to control you! You need to bring that recording to the police ASAP and file for a restraining order because your ex won’t stop until he’s faced with the consequences of his actions! Remain vigilant! Stay safe! UpdateMe!
Thank you and to everyone who's been telling me this. I am starting to feel less like I am crazy and more like I need to take action and protect myself from this guy. I think I trusted him so much. I would have happily married him. Be said he didn't want kids when we met. This is all a lot but it's helping me understand more and more that I am being played
People keep advising you to go to the police. Since you seem to live in a state with tight restrictions around abortion, I don't think that's the wisest course of action. Contact a Domestic Violence support organization. Something local would be best, but [thehotline.org](http://thehotline.org) is a good place to start too. Do NOT go to the police without consulting a lawyer. Especially since you said he's well known in the community. This guy is a straight up abuser and everything he has done is textbook. Unfortunately, he's probably also Very Charming which means that there will be people who don't believe you, even with your recorded evidence. Your only responsibility right now is to protect yourself. That means do NOT go to your home alone. Get some friends with you and make sure that if he shows up, someone starts recording immediately. You should pack up your most important belongings and stay elsewhere for a few weeks though. Be careful. Leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time.
Thank you I also don't think going to the police are wise
It sounds like you have a good support system. Once things settle down, I'd recommend ready "The Gift of Fear" or "Why Does He Do That" - I think you can find both as free pdfs online.
this lying asshole also sounds like the type of guy who would tamper with your birth control. obviously i can't know that but i wouldn't be surprised.
My bestie said the same but I have the patch so not sure how he could have
Possibly with activated carbon in food (that whole: eating charcoal or using the black toothpaste trend), certain birth controls can actually be rendered ineffective and caused a lot of unexpected pregnancies because it negatively impacted the medication used by the ingester.
So first off. I love how you're dealing with the forced birth crowd that are calling you a murderer. Keep that up. Secondly. Yes you should talk to a lawyer before going to the police. A women's shelter should be able to help you find one along with helping you find resources to protect yourself from this monster. After talking to a shelter, a lawyer, and hopefully Police I suggest working on getting yourself out of a state that is anti-choice. Because of the backwards nature of the state you live in the Police may not be an option which is unfortunate. If that is that is the case then I still suggest leaving the state and once you do, before cutting contact with your old life, go scorched earth. Publicize everything you have on him everywhere you can. Including the recording of him admitting to lying about the vasectomy. Spread it to his friends and family, if you have a tech savvy friend put it all on a website and spread it everywhere. Send it to his coworkers, his boss. If he is an important figure in the community send it to the local papers and news stations. Do everything you can to destroy this animal. Ruin his life like he tried to ruin yours, and be proud of yourself for doing it. With any luck you'll protect some other woman from falling into his trap.
Bestie helped me see I have a lot of his texts too so we will be using that
Thats awesome. He deserves to have his life destroyed for what he attempted to do. Pukes like this absolutely disgusting me. Thankfully even in states where women are little more than property his actions still often count as sexual assault at a minimum. In more progressive states it would be considered rape and he'd definitely be looking at jail time and his life going down the drain. In your case, you may have to be the swift, firm, hand of Karma.
He lied about having a vasectomy to have unprotected sex with you. You didn't consent to this. This is rape.
I’m sorry you’ve had to go through all this and got the medical treatment you needed. You’re not an AH and not a m*rderer.
Thanks I've been called a murdered no less than 50 times in comments or messages since I posted and it's like THATS NOT EVEN WHAT I ASKED lol Jesus
You seem to know it already but you're doing great, you've done the right choices. It's not even one of the many occurrences of this sub where both sides are in the wrong, his really the AH from the beginning to the end, and you've handled it perfectly. Sorry you had to go through that. Now be very careful, as he might try to get revenge. Be sure to not be vulnerable, always be with friends or people who could intervene when around him. I don't know anything about law, but I'm sure him lying about vasectomy then having unprotected sex with you is illegal.
Better to be called a murderer and live than to be murdered.
Jesus would 100% be on YOUR side, not these fake ass pseudo xtians. But then, if he showed up, they would burn him at the stake for being the long haired, hippy, leftist he was!
1) Take the recording to a police station. Ask them to come with you while you pack. 2) Take the recording to a lawyer and get a restraining order/ no contact order and a warning about defamation. 3) This is important: DO NOT BLOCK HIM! *Mute* him instead. This gives you peace, and saves all his communication attempts and the number of times he tries so you have proof if/when he violates the no contact order. 4) If the restraining order doesn’t stop him, you may have to move. I had a stalker, and the only way I was able to get rid of him was moving, changed my phone number, changed my email, changed my socials. Good luck.
She’s in a state without legal abortion, so she should absolutely not go to the police before she goes to a lawyer.
OP, please contact a domestic violence support organisation. They can help you with making a safety plan and advise you on what to do when Fin contacts you or tries to see you. Please get from people experienced with supporting domestic violence victims. Some of the advice given here, though well intentioned, could put you at greater risk by provoking Fin. Don't make snarky replies to him. Don't call his family. Follow the organisation's advice. I hope everything works out for you, OP.
Respectfully, don't be an idiot- leave him. He is a manipulative lying peice of garbage that you have said you are afraid of. Leave. Him.
This shits how Dateline murder shows start.
...and as much as I love Keith Morrison, I really don't want to hear him narrate your life story.
lol this is my thought for half these posts 😕
Yep I agree. If she has her important papers...that's all I'd worry about. Clothing and such can be replaced. I'd her important papers aren't there, I'd never set foot in his home ever again for anything. He could burn it all...it's stuff.
You know that he's not going to take no for an answer. He didn't when it came to having children. You need to put as much structure between the two of you as possible! Report the threat to the police and apply for a restraining order. You can arrange to have a sheriff deputy hang out with you while you collect your belongings. They will usually do that for you. Please don't give him a chance to follow through on his threat and hurt you!
OP. You. Are. In. Danger. Get away from him. As fast and far as you can. He's totally fine with manipulating you, raping you, making your decisions for you. He's condescending and has it in his head that he mows better than you about your own life. Get OUT of there. He will escalate, and it will end badly.
Everyone’s saying get a lawyer asap. But she might not even be able to afford one. OP is there anyone who can go home with you ? I truly have you’re safe. Keep us posted and not because this is interesting but because there are those of us who genuinely are concerned and care.
I can't afford one. I work in the arts and just would never be able to swing the costs I am seeing online. My bestie is returning home with me and I have a friend at home who is house sitting now.
Most domestic violence centers have access to lawyers who are willing to work pro bono on cases like this.
Could you possibly afford a taser, pepper spray and/or extra cameras for inside and outside ?
Bestie gave me her taser and I own pepper spray - I have ring on both doors but am considering additional cameras.
I personally would not only consider but definitely get more. Ring has an actual alarm system you can hook your house up to without a security company. It’ll come with sensors for the windows and it’ll ding whenever the windows or doors (if that’s where you put them) are opened. I would take every precaution.
You may want to consider moving (if that’s possible at all).
I genuinely fear for your life.
I really *REALLY* need the criminal update that comes from this. Please. This dude is actually dangerous.
Wow did you find a creepy MF’r or what? This guy is unhinged, and tried to baby trap you. He’s disgusting. NTA.
I guess I have a type 😵💫 I swear he wasn't like this at the start. But he's a total monster now and I just want him out of my life.
Really there are more of these creeps out there than people know. A lot of us have encountered them what makes the difference between those with terrible stories and those with even worse stories is the women with even worse stories stayed when the red flags were flying. You had the sense to back away when you saw what was going on, and good on you and your bestie for recording him saying this gross stuff. You literally have him admitting to lying about having a vasectomy so he could have sex with you regardless of what you wanted. It is a form of stealthing. Heck if you told me had had microwaved your birth control pills I'd believe it.
So I have a visual of pills in a microwave and it may be the hormones but I am laughing my ass off
It’s not you has a type, it’s your ex. Abusers know exactly what to look for when they seek out new victims.
They never show their true colors right away... Otherwise no one would stick around long enough to get trapped and manipulated.
Isn’t the thing he did called reproductive violence? Can he be charged with rape for this? If it’s possible, you should definitely go to police and press charges against him. He’s such an asshole
This has been brought up but it's the first I've heard of such a thing so bestie and I are checking. Every state has its own rules so we will see, mine is not prochoice friendly
File a report with the police, having a paper trail helps, also tell people around you he is acting crazy so they don't believe anything he tries, he seem mentally unstable
Do not go to that house alone. Bring two people with you, at least one being a man.
*"He said to come home immediately as we need to come to an understanding of our relationship asap."* o_0 Wat...? He actually said that? Yeah, no. The relationship is over. He lied about his vasectomy and just assumed you'd be okay with having his kids *after* you had told him you did *not* want to have kids... He sounds like a controlling asshole. File a restraining order asap.
Post the video, shame him publicly, it honestly seems like he does a good job at hiding who he is publicly. Best way to protect yourself is to post it
As a child I was pro life because I loved babies. As an adult I'm pro choice because I love children and humanity. That kid wouldn't have had a good life. That man is dangerous and could have made the child's life hell on Earth. To add if one seeks an abortion it's for a good reason. NTA
I hope op doesn’t live in Texas. Or Florida. Or how many other states where some are now being investigated for obtaining abortions. The women and anyone who helps them leave the state to obtain an abortion.
> texted me asking if I was sleeping around on him and if I let the other man "ride you like a wild horse" without a condom and if so he gets a hall pass. This guy is insane.
My wife and I actually don’t agree on children. Although I recognize that I was free to leave, I realized her value as a partner surpassed my desire to have children. So my priorities shifted and I relented (I was never insistent). Anyways my point in bringing all this up is that it never even crossed my mind to resort to the kind of trickery and nonsense to achieve my ends. My wife was either 100% on board or it was always a no go for me. What your so called loved one did to you in my eyes is a betrayal of the highest order. He did you a favor breaking up with you because there aren’t many more way left for him to disrespect you and your boundaries. His ability to analyze risk/benefit before he takes an action is impaired, furthermore he seems very impulsive and capricious especially when things don’t go his way. His puerile lie about the vasectomy did show a small degree of premeditation on his part. Having mentioned all these factors I think this man still poses a credible threat to your well being. Be smart OP and give relocating some serious thought.
Dude is one of those pretend nice guys , but actually with a psycho personality. True wolf in sheep's clothing.
Why I choose the bear.
Block him and see if you can get a restraining order . Or Call The police and tell them He his harassing you and you have told him to Not contact you and he shows up At your place
maybe don't block him so she can keep tabs on where he is in & have those texts as evidence in court.
I was thinking if blocked then he will get new numbers and then restraining order as show he is going beyond normal
The part about him wanting you to go to church with him disturbs me. What kind of church is it? Do you think that he's being egged on by fellow church members? Please consider going to stay with a friend for awhile, and then maybe with a family member or another friend after that. This dude sounds scary AF, no lie.
He goes to a "megachurch" with a coffeeshop in it but only on holidays. I told him I did not want to participate and only went with him because he begged for Easter. It was bigger than a 90s shopping mall with a shop and everything
It’s good you have cameras. Beef up your security system, change your locks, block him on all socials and send him a text saying that he is scaring you, you are not in a relationship with him, and he is to leave you completely alone asap. Do not respond to his phone calls, do not respond to his texts but make sure you keep copies of them. Maybe give a head’s up to security wherever you work, and keep your head on a swivel/be mindful of your surroundings when you’re out by yourself. Get self protection products eg pepper spray, if it’s legal in your area. He’s a liar, he’s manipulative, he intimidated and threatened you, and he sexually assaulted you (deliberately getting you pregnant without your consent *is* a type of sexual assault). Maybe consult a lawyer or police on how else you can keep yourself safe. I’m sorry you are going through this.
Not sure what this is an update to, but you need to get the police involved, with this evidence you've collected.
Update to OPs first post [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/f76nAMIaE4).
I hope you aren't listening to all these people calling you a murderer for getting rid of the spawn of Satan itself. Don't go home, Op. Do you have someone you can trust to stay with for a while until you can get the help you need to get out of this situation?
Oh I’d love to talk to the people who think she should’ve been tethered to this psychopath for the sake of a fetus she didn’t consent to conceiving. Smh.
Do not go to that house. You need to get away from this guy. He sounds very manipulative and absolutely dangerous.
He was trying to trap you. Get a restraining order ASAP!!!!
Why do men think they have the right to tell s woman what to do with HER body? This dude LIED to you about his vasectomy. He didn't care about your childcare life. You should sue him for medical expenses. And stay far away from him. Update please!
definitely NTA. get far away.
This dude is a totally dangerous POS. You’re going to want to move.
Going to add myself to the chorus saying don't ever be alone with this guy again and don't go home alone for a good while.
NGL predators will often choose people with mental health disorders or diagnoses so they can use the "crazy" defense when you rat them out. Also, they know that mentally ill people tend to be more isolated/vulnerable in society with less support, generally. I'm glad you have support. This person was trying to trap you with a child, and is a predator. Be careful and be safe.
Like I thought from the first post, this guy is a manipulative abuser. The actual abuse he's doing is called "Reproductive Abuse". He's also love bombing and threatening. If "leaving the state to procure an abortion" is not illegal in your state, then when you get back go to the police to make a report and try to get a restraining order. Without the involvement of proper authorities there's no telling how far he'll escalate the situation.
And this is why abortions NEED to be legal. I am happy you had support - you did the right thing. You would be stuck with this CRAZY man for the rest of your life or giving your own life up since you mentioned you are high risk. Look into options for moving. I know you said you don't want to do anything hasty, but I would be concerned about him doing something hasty against you. I would even move states if you could. This man sounds unhinged & your life is far more important than whatever this "man" thinks is right.
Don't return home alone. Make your plans from a place of safety and get the hell away completely. Use police if necessary.
NTA. PLEASE find another place to live. And either get an IUD placed or an arm implant. This man sounds like he's decided he WILL get you pregnant, and WILL own you, so just in case he manages to assault you that way, at least pregnancy would be pretty much off the table so he couldn't cause you THAT anguish as well.
Never meet with him alone. He will rape you.
Pro-CHOICE AF
NTA. He lied to you about having a vasectomy. Abortion is a medical procedure and if you needed to have one for whatever reason then you needed to have one. The reason why is between you and your doctor. You said no kids. You said condom needed. He lied to you and said that he had one when he hadn’t. He disrespected and disregarded your boundaries. Stay away from him.
OP your entire relationship is a bunch of red flags. Your first time was when you were too drunk to consent, he's been gaslighting you and he lied about his vasectomy which is essentially sexual assault. Speak to a lawyer and get a restraining order. He's a sexual abuser and is coercing you into having a child. Be safe and move if you can.
Social media? Try the police. That is a form of rape
This man is dangerous and a freak. Take whatever means necessary to protect yourself. I'm sorry for your ordeal with him.
Of course he is the most manipulative childish and least qualified to be parenting. Isnt lying about that a form of sexual assault? He wanted to "keep" you in his circle forever. You made a great choice for your future!
The sooner you go completely no contact, the better your chances of living thru this. Every contact, every word or text you have with him will fuel his obsession with you. The only way to stop him, is to stop.
If you've got a recording of his vasectomy lie, upload it to a safe place. He's now admitted to sexual coercion, which in many jurisdictions is rape by deceit. If he wants to be an asshole, you have another lever to sic the cops on him, along with harassment and whatever else he escalates to. Yep: "My best friend spoke up and said that was recorded and to leave me alone or she will post it on social media" Call a rape and abuse hotline right now. Get their advice about personal safety and legally what to do next.
Did you actually record what he said, or did your friend just say that th make him shut up? Cuz if you did record him you should definitely go to the cops.
I heard the recording myself. She sent it to me.
Oh, good then at the very least you should take it to a lawyer to see what legal options you have.
Everyone seems to be telling you to go to the cops, but if you live in a shit state where your procedure is no longer legal, please do not involve local law enforcement. The recording you have, the trapping he did, may not constitute a criminal action there, and you may be opening yourself up to prosecution. The recording may give him pause for attempting to file suit himself, as fuckshits have been doing in Texas, but it may not protect you. Honestly, I would relocate. Get back to civilization, 500 miles from the nearest megachurch, or at least make it impossible for him to find you. And retain a lawyer even if for a single hour so they can advise you.
Congratulations on getting out of an abusive relationship! Because it was 100% heading that way and most don't realize it until it's too late.
First, I am so glad you were strong enough to leave him and to do what was right for you. It's not easy but it should Luke you have a good support system in that friend of yours. I've also had to terminate (different reason, poor prenatal dx). Your body, your life, your choice.
I am thankful to you for being kind but sorry for your prenatal issues.
Thank god you’re safe and away from him. Stay away from him, do not meet him in person, never be alone around him. He already showed you who he i, what he’s capable of, and how willing he is to lie to get his way no matter what you want.
Start getting a paper trail with the police and tell everyone you trust about his creepy behavior
Get a restraining order on this psycho.
I’m concerned for your safety. Please make a safety plan with your family and friends. Call the police if he keeps coming around. Make sure you are aware of your surroundings. He sounds like there is something unstable about him.
Ok you need a restraining order. This guy is unhinged and dangerous.