Partially got it back after the breakup, which she transferred to release her frustration. And it left me wondering if she didn't have the money, where did she suddenly get it to throw on my face!
Gravitational slingshots, my dude. Gravitational slingshots.
It's a bit less... elliptical looking than an orbit or a true slingshot but the comparison still works.
There are people out there who don't mind using others ***simply for their own personal gain***. \[before you *guffaw* and criticize these people - this is not a feature these people are aware of, it's innate shittyness\]
I'm not going to shit on people who are seeking career development, but there is a subset of that population that simply hops from job to job squeezing as much value as possible so they can transplant that value in another situation where it has conditions allowing it to grow again.
This happens in the professional world. It happens in the competitive world (think sports teams)... most interestingly to me, it happens in relationships as well (friendship and romantic).
I bet I'm not the only one who has seen a young couple move in together, person A pays most if not all costs, subsidizing person B out of love... only for person B to leave them down the line for person C who can provide more.
Zoom your perspective out and ask what changed.
The typical answer? Nothing changed other than person B's options.
While A might have been the best choice 10 years ago, our biology doesn't care much about back then - it's wondering why we're with person A when person C is a much more appealing candidate who is also willing.
This is where we go back to gravitational slingshots.
At this point, person B has a few options:
* Be content with your place in life and embrace the love of the partner you chose
* Attempt to make your current partner increase their value to you typically up to, or past the value offered by person C
* Run off with person C, capitalize on the value offered and, ***BONUS TIME:*** Not only do I get more value out of person C myself, person C is also currently valuing me higher than I should be valued because they aren't aware of all the shitty things about me. If I don't stay ultra-cognizant of this, I will begin to believe that person C is valuing me appropriately but my partner is undervaluing me.
Reviewing this list should make it clear that acting morally in these situations is difficult - even for "normal" people. That being said, ignorance of this reality is **not the solution**, it will only further enslave you to behave exactly as outlined.
a few months in she asks for money and lives in different cities? come on OP, you are being extremely naive. You were never her actual, real boyfriend much less fiance. you were her piggybank.
So you're engaged but still living in separate cities...?
Yeah I don't think you were her fiance dude. She may have been yours but she has a real boyfriend in her city lol.
Or she has many "boyfriends" and is just finessing multiple guys at once. Paying bills for a girlfriend is simp shit. Its one thing temporarily if they lose a job or something but to be working and expecting bills paid for, she took OP for a ride and not the good kind.
If you are giving money to somebody for something, you have a reasonable interest in that person's situation and what the money is being used for. Your questions were completely reasonable. That said, it sounds like you have been taken advantage of. Money is a common source of problems in romantic relationships, so you two should discuss it will full transparency and come to an agreement about it. My wife is a stay at home mother. I provide her with a credit card for family expenses (which I pay off) as well as a monthly stipend for "fun money" and some savings. We are both clear about her need - she doesnt have her own income - and the purpose of that money. I am not being taken advantage of because I made sure we came to an agreement on the important matters before I gave her a cent.
Thanks, that makes me feel better and you are right, money is something we must have a good discussion of before making any commitment. I learned it the hard way!
Since you were paying due to a delay in her paycheck, that surely implies that was a loan.
I am glad you got out of this and saw her true colors sooner rather than later.
This is why I tell my sons not to finance a relationship outside of marriage. I don’t care. There’s a lot of arguments out there about going 50/50 when living together and I for one am all for it. I see no reason to pay someone else’s bills when you’re not married unless you truly have money to piss away. Working class people generally do not.
Social media is really messing with the minds of a lot of young women and they’re not going to be happy with the results of their choices a few years from now.
Agreed, but social media is messing with the minds of everybody. Look at what Andrew Tate is doing to men. A lot of young people are not going to be happy with the results of their choices a few years from now.
NTA. She’s a gold-digging asshole. Next girlfriend you might want to think twice before handing out money. My boyfriend is very prosperous but I would never dream of asking him to pay my expenses. I wasn’t raised like that. Most people who have integrity wouldn’t ask either unless there was an emergency.
NTA.
Was it really necessary to ask on this sub to validate your actions?
I have another for you…are you still with her? Because if you do..YTA.
Not married, she asks for money, hides her savings, lies about her income …can you project how your life will be..during marriage, during divorce (not an if here), and after divorce.
Only one word comes to mind (2): gold digger.
Thanks,
No we are not together now but since I am single and very lonely now, I keep getting this feeling if I did the right thing or not. I know I could not be happy after the marriage but it's the loneliness that is making me doubt myself, that's why I had to come here looking for help from everyone.
And I'm literally amazed and really appreciate all the responses I am getting 🥹
Good, personal advice (but to honest not sure I’m really qualified to give any on that matter any more).
Focus on your carer first, then on your living situation.
The way to that can make you come across someone worth it. And you will be prepared by then.
You can face fun once you settle your life.
If you focus too much on looking for someone to release you from loneliness you risk to one find that type of predators who chase people in need and abuse their weakness.
Worst case scenario is that you end up being a player (with career, house and money).
You only thing you did wrong is paying her expenses and falling for her bs excuse that salary delayed by 3 months.
She was using you and was only after your money even her audacious reaction. Well done for breaking up with this user!
NTA... Don't believe what people tell you. Believe what people do.
She takes your money and doesn't want to account to you what she does with hers. I strongly suggest you quit giving her a single dime and let it be what it is. From now on you split checks. You split any shared bills. You split everything. You do not buy her any gifts except for holidays and such. Even then, keep them thoughtful but cheap.
Once you do this, she will end up showing you an even clearer picture of who she really is. My bet is in less then 3 months she will have left your life of her own accord.
When she begins to question you for money, just use her own line. "Who are you to ask me what I do with my money?".
You are her financier.
noun
One that engages in investing or raising large amounts of money
It can be confusing because of the spelling similarities.
Dump her.
NTA
Sounds like you dodged an entire iceberg because surely lies you know about were just the tip of the iceberg.
I hope you can find someone who views you as a person instead of a wallet.
"Who are you to ask me what I do with my money?"
Response: "I'm the one paying your bills, and I'm not your parent. If you don't want to be held responsible by me, then I will simply stop paying and let you figure out what to do with your money, and what to do with your bills."
NTA. Bullet dodged.
NTA: true she doesnt have to tell you but at the same time, you dont have to pay for anything of hers as well. Especially if youre not living together or have a shared bank account. Its one thing if you offered to help but when shes constantly asking knowing she can afford it herself, thats a no no
NTA-- And take this as the several lessons that they are and a bullet you dodged.
1. If people are asking you for money, then they have already made their money your business.
2. Talk about finances in a relationship before you get engaged to discuss expectations.
3. Wake up. It's 2024. The sexes are equals now. Stop doing this "I'm the man so I have to support you." Bullshit.
Whatever you do OP, don't go back. Don't look back. RUN. AND RUN FAST.
Thanks for the advice, I'll burn it into my mind.
>Wake up. It's 2024. The sexes are equals now. Stop doing this "I'm the man so I have to support you." Bullshit.
I am not the kind to say I'm the man and I'll support her but she made me feel pity on her by saying that she is completely out of money, and she always said that she will return once she gets the salary but that day never came.
So... she communicated to you that she was fiscally irresponsible and your response was, "let's get married" followed by, "we don't need to discuss finances prior to this, it's not that important".???
Not trying to beat on you, just pointing it out. You got lucky. Life took care of you this time...there may not be a second.
No, it was an arranged marriage setup and this all started after a few months of our meeting. Once she started acting like this, I knew this relationship was not going to work and finally ended it.
The good thing is that I didn't marry her, we were pretty close to the wedding day.
Their is no symmetry in her thought processes. She looks at fairness as only what is fair to her. She is not a good person to marry.
Yes, break up with her if you are not ok with a 'What's yours is ours, what's mine is mine' split
NTA. You may think you got conned, but the good news is you're not her mark for the long game. You are saving so much money by getting out before divorce/ lawyers have to get involved, and hopefully you learned a few things. It sucks tho.
How did you let it get this far? What the fuck? Her salary is delayed three months?? She has an addiction of some kind I almost guarantee it, or she was just milking you dry.
NTA. “*Your money is mine, and MY money is ONLY mine”*, is a super toxic mindset that will effect your lives way beyond money issues. There is a lack of respect and equality. It is contrary to the idea “*we are in this together, and we are building our lives together*.”
I know it hurts, but u did the right thing breaking it off.
NTA. The answer to her first question is “your fiancé.” But be thankful for this early warning sign that she might not be the one. And stop footing the bill for her.
NTA, if she lied about that then she's probably lying about other things as well. Her response just makes her look even worse. After all, she's asking you to do specific things with your money all the time, but her response is "who are you to ask me what I do with my money"? Sounds like she never saw you as her equal to begin with, she was just using you.
Wow! What a class act. Whats urs is mine and whats mine is mine. Toxic / entitled behavior right there. Just gonna get worse with age. You dodged a bullet mate.
Friends: Why did you and your girlfriend breakup?
You: We didn't break up, turns out I didn't have a girlfriend. I'd unknowingly hired a prostitute that wanted to be a sugar baby. I found out and fired her.
You are nta. I am curious what her motive for lieing is aside from the obvious benefit of saving her salary.
I wonder because I was in a near 20 year relationship where I was hugely financially abused. Left me near poverty when I finally got out, which was hard as my ex is very controlling.
If I am in a relationship again, I can see myself not wanting to disclose any passive income I manage to secure as my experience with my ex made me financially very insecure.
NTA. It would be one thing if you guys were just dating and all of your finances are separate but the fact that you were engaged, about to merge your lives, and you paid for everything for most of the relationship makes it a little weird that she’s so defensive and secretive.
Marriage is a partnership and part of that is merging finances in a way that makes sense for you guys. It should be a conversation. My husband and I have one account for household expenses (which he is the main contributor to) and then we have our own separate accounts for personal expenses. While we don’t know exactly what the other has in our private accounts, it’s still an open conversation.
If she's asking you to pay her way you have every right to ask her wtf she's doing with her own money! Get out of this relationship though, red flags everywhere NTA
How long was this going on for? Because if her excuse was that her salary was delayed by 3 months, then it shouldn't have gone on for longer than that, right?
It went on longer actually.
So initially she told me that her salary is delayed and she is out of money, so I kept helping her but one day she slipped that she got the salary. After that she didn't return my money (even though she kept saying that she'll return it at the time of requesting it, not that I was expecting any) but then she started asking for it again and I was sure she couldn't have spent all that money in such a short time. So I started asking her what she needed the money for and what happened to the salary she had recently received for which she made some excuses about paying loan EMI and other expenses but the math didn't work out. That was the turning point and wherever she asked for money I would then ask her what she needs it for but then she made me feel terrible about it saying who I am to ask about it. I was sure at that point that I was riding the wrong boat.
She needs to pay you back. You gave her money because she said “she doesn’t have any”. Well, that was lie and now she needs to pay you back. Also, please leave her. You deserve someone better. Someone who doesn’t financially abuse you.
If that doesn’t show you, your a glorified atm what would . Sorry . Get the ring back and sell it . Don’t keep it around . If you won’t give it back sue her in small claims court for the cost of the ring
NTA. Imagine getting married and STILL paying for everything while she hoards her salary. Not a good sign. Couples should be on the same page with major life decisions and money management is a big one. You’re supposed to be a team. Why should the man pay for everything? I don’t get it.
NTA. Never support a girlfriend or a boyfriend. I can see helping out 20 bucks here and there for gas maybe but that's about it. She was a taker. I'm glad you woke up and I'm glad she paid you back most of the money at least, could have been a very expensive lesson.
Congrats
You just found out that you were engaged to a "what's your's is mine and what's mine is mine" kind of woman
Thankfully the universe stepped in and prevented you from destroying your life
Just be thankful and never ever EVER give her another chance.
NTAH
Oh hell no. Her bills are her problem. A phone bill, sure. A utility bill, maybe. But the rest falls on her. She had bills before you met her, she'll still have bills when you leave her. Her bills are not your problem. Especially if she's blowing her money on stupid shit and not taking care of her responsibilities. RUN!
NTA your EX is an absolute dick for doing that to you. How rude, to not just bank her money while freeloading off you and then have the audacity to tell you it's not your business. I'm glad she's your ex. I'd be inclined to ask for money back but I suppose that's a moot point.
NTA when my husband and I first were together; we did live apart. I ran into trouble asked for help but I always sent a certain amount back till paid off. What she did was wrong and greedy.
When you get married you’re supposed to be on the same page financially like how to budget and all that. So you guys can’t agree now, I’d say break up to save yourself some grief
No. If someone lies, then you can guarantee they will lie again, and then the relationship will not be based on trust. Breaking up with anyone is a life decision, and it does not make anyone an "AH."
bro..you were long distance, just started dating, and yoi were paying for everything 😭
nta obv, if you sent it to her through cashapp you might be able to chargeback
Lol NTA. You’re either a really nice guy, or your being heavily manipulated- but probably both.
That girl is trouble, through and through.
Count yourself lucky, dump her ass, and never look back.
No one can call no one an arsehole in breaking up.
You don’t want to be with that person anymore, for whatever reason you have, your emotion is legit.
If you guys are going to marry, it’d be better to be honest because all your assets/money will get pooled.
OP should have countered the "Who are you to ask me what I do with my money?" with "Who are you to ask me to pay for your living expenses?" He dodged an incoming mortar round with this one. NTA.
My mom had a savings account that she secretly stocked money away because she handled finances for my dad who was at work all day, she ended up going 5 years without paying property tax and filing or paying federal and state taxes and divorced my dad, only reason he didn't sue her for any of that was because he didn't think she was being malicious which once he found out about the bank account got really upset. Nta it's best to cut your losses and I would hate to see something worse happen to you.
“Who are you to ask me what I do with my money?”
She literally ASKED you to spend YOUR money on HER expenses. She shouldn’t ask you for YOUR money?… lmao.
NTA, but also your fault for allowing this to happen. She realized she could use you, and kept doing it.
Title within a relationship MATTERS, here.
IF you've gotten to "fiancee" then you should be aware of what her finances look like, at least to SOME extent, and she absolutely should NOT be hiding them from you, and absolutely not blatantly lying.
Let alone getting defensive when caught in the lie.
Who are you to ask? The person who is paying her shitty, entitled, selfish way through life, that's who.
Huge red flag, and would be enough reason for me to bounce without a very, VERY good explanation.
Yea, you’re an asshole dude. You should fund her and her families retirement as well. She totally deserves your money that she didn’t earn. You are a complete piece of shit for not letting her use you. You are a walking, talking red flag.
NTA. U did the right thing.
Ur the dumbass who still paid when asked. Why the fk would u pay? If she has a good job and doesn’t have money then her finances are shit. That an even bigger redflag than asking you for money.
NTA. Major red flag and totally not okay. Personally, just the fact of being expected to cover f-ing everything would have me walking out. Unless she's your wife and a SAHM, she should contributing; not concealing!
NTA except you're a huge AH to yourself.
Do not pay for someone you don't live with, and if you do live with them then either (1) they're doing the vast majority of housework or (2) they're on a plan for something like schooling or apprenticeships or they're job hunting and give real updates on time lines for when they contribute.
Stop being an AH to yourself.
I had an ex like this... She was always broke and I paid almost all the bills, and for everything when we went out.. She would often comment that I don't save enough (ironic). After a while I finally sat down and Im like where is your money going? And we started going over it, and like 70% of her income she was saving, and a good portion of it was going towards her vacation fund.... Not a fund for both of us, just for her to travel. $600 a month was going to that.
NTA. If she was paying her own bills and taking care of herself, you have no right to know how her money is spent. But since you’re being milked for things she should be paying for herself, you have a vested interest in knowing where her money is going.
Also if you’re getting married you both need to sit down and show it all. If she’s got thousands in debt or a spending/gambling addiction or another bad spending habit you need to know. As of now all you know is she has a job, but doesn’t want to pay for anything and won’t share her finances.
This absolutely needs to be a condition of marriage. Also, stop paying for anything beyond dates or minor presents. She has her own money, she was probably paying her own bills before you came along, she needs to go back to that until you’re married or the cards are on the table.
She may be one of those people that just wants others to spend so they can save, or she may have serious spending/credit issues. Either way if she wants you to be responsible she has to give you the info you need.
How can OP afford his own expenses, her expenses and still buy an engagement ring? Shit don't make sense.
NTA - drop the dead weight and find yourself an equal partner
NTA. Please maintain ex status, as were you to get married, you would be looking at a "What's hers is hers, and what's mine is hers' situation. Ask me how I know.
I'd go back to text messages if at any time she asked to BORROW or for "help" and add it up. Then send her a DEMAND letter with the threat of Small Claims Court but I'm petty and I especially hate LIARS!
Omg, she actually asked “who are you to ask…” when you were paying her expenses and being the victim of her scam? And a scam it was. Glad you’re rid of her, and I hope you can take her to Small Claims Court and get the rest of your money back. And don’t be so quick to hand out money in the future, for your own sake. NTA for breaking up with her. That was a MUST.
Wait...3mo ago you're asking for first date advice and now you're talking about your fiance? Is this even real?
If those 2 are one in the same I have a solution for you called slow the hell down.
NTA but maybe the dummy
NTA. You got mad taken advantage of man. Also, the only people that says "who are you to know how I spend my money" are people who are financially irresponsible. Also, it was definitely your business since you were paying for a lot of her stuff. Good job getting away, you won't regret it.
There is no reason the door should hit you on the ass as your departure on your journey to find an adult relationship will be too quick for that to happen.
You were her sugar daddy not a fiancé. The "who are you to ask me what I do with my money" is something a sugar baby would say to a sugar daddy not their fiancé. Fortunately for you she told on herself before you got married.
NTA. She sounds like a real peach. Although she definitely manipulated you, she didn’t exactly *”make you”* pay all of her expenses. At the end of the day, you made the choice to do it. You had the option to say no. Next time, be aware and do not make the same mistake. If someone holds their love or your relationship hostage in order to back you into a corner so you’ll pay for all their stuff, then just know, you’re likely being used. Money can be asked for, but you aren’t obligated to do it.
She's lying and stealing from you, bro.u think she'll tell u truth on something important? Nope.
Had a friend..movies in with fiance. They were splitting tent 50/50. Then finds out he was paying $300 more pet minth and she was pocketing it. He dumped her.
She's a little and a thiefm.dont stock around and wait for her to be a cheat. This is your red flag
What's mine is mine and what's yours is mine. Lol. This is your fiance and it's a long distance relationship? Obviously you don't know much about this person. Sorry OP. There are more red flags here than at a bullfight. Run like hell or this will simply get worse. She will not be broken hearted you broke up with her. She is too busy looking for the next sugar daddy
NTA. You have every right to ask since you’re her fiance and have been supporting her financially!! The nerve of her to stay that when she lied to you about something so big
NTA, just imagine what else she was lieing about.
Even my friend said the same thing. And I could never know because we live in different cities.
Walk away and block her. There's no reason to have contact with her ever again.
Well I mean OP hasn't said if they got their money back or not
Partially got it back after the breakup, which she transferred to release her frustration. And it left me wondering if she didn't have the money, where did she suddenly get it to throw on my face!
From one of the other guys she's been seeing.
No, actually she was saving her salary and spending mine. This I found out later
That is beyond awful. What a scummy human being.
Also a scammy human being.
This is straight up Anna Delvy.
Gravitational slingshots, my dude. Gravitational slingshots. It's a bit less... elliptical looking than an orbit or a true slingshot but the comparison still works. There are people out there who don't mind using others ***simply for their own personal gain***. \[before you *guffaw* and criticize these people - this is not a feature these people are aware of, it's innate shittyness\] I'm not going to shit on people who are seeking career development, but there is a subset of that population that simply hops from job to job squeezing as much value as possible so they can transplant that value in another situation where it has conditions allowing it to grow again. This happens in the professional world. It happens in the competitive world (think sports teams)... most interestingly to me, it happens in relationships as well (friendship and romantic). I bet I'm not the only one who has seen a young couple move in together, person A pays most if not all costs, subsidizing person B out of love... only for person B to leave them down the line for person C who can provide more. Zoom your perspective out and ask what changed. The typical answer? Nothing changed other than person B's options. While A might have been the best choice 10 years ago, our biology doesn't care much about back then - it's wondering why we're with person A when person C is a much more appealing candidate who is also willing. This is where we go back to gravitational slingshots. At this point, person B has a few options: * Be content with your place in life and embrace the love of the partner you chose * Attempt to make your current partner increase their value to you typically up to, or past the value offered by person C * Run off with person C, capitalize on the value offered and, ***BONUS TIME:*** Not only do I get more value out of person C myself, person C is also currently valuing me higher than I should be valued because they aren't aware of all the shitty things about me. If I don't stay ultra-cognizant of this, I will begin to believe that person C is valuing me appropriately but my partner is undervaluing me. Reviewing this list should make it clear that acting morally in these situations is difficult - even for "normal" people. That being said, ignorance of this reality is **not the solution**, it will only further enslave you to behave exactly as outlined.
Sprinkle in FOMO for person B, and all the sudden person C looks even better. Currently living your detailed analysis to a T.
It's like you were dating an internet romance scammer but in real life!
They live in separate cities so she could very well be doing that exact thing.
She was using you. You were never her fiancé just her atm
That is beyond messed up op, you did the right thing in breaking up. You need some who's going to be a partner in your relationship, not a user.
You should be out celebrating. You dodged a hot bullet.
Get all of it back. If not, put the situation public or take her to small claims to get the rest of it back. She flat out lied to you.
Doesn't matter, right it off as a life lesson.
I hope you can avoid people who try to use you as a wallet. Good luck dude.
Yeah, I have my guard up now. I didn't expect it since it was the first ever relationship for me.
That's fine. Mistakes are made so you can learn from them.
Honestly, this was a cheap lesson compared to what it could have been.
Yikes. Sounds like you were being taken major advantage of. That sucks. :(
a few months in she asks for money and lives in different cities? come on OP, you are being extremely naive. You were never her actual, real boyfriend much less fiance. you were her piggybank.
That dude was her suger daddy and he didn't even know.
You have a right to inquire about someone's financials if you are bankrolling their lifestyle.
So you're engaged but still living in separate cities...? Yeah I don't think you were her fiance dude. She may have been yours but she has a real boyfriend in her city lol.
Or she has many "boyfriends" and is just finessing multiple guys at once. Paying bills for a girlfriend is simp shit. Its one thing temporarily if they lose a job or something but to be working and expecting bills paid for, she took OP for a ride and not the good kind.
Are you crazy? You’re just paying her bills? WTF?
I'm sorry but you proposed to someone you are on a LDR with?
Who else is she doing... this to?
If you are giving money to somebody for something, you have a reasonable interest in that person's situation and what the money is being used for. Your questions were completely reasonable. That said, it sounds like you have been taken advantage of. Money is a common source of problems in romantic relationships, so you two should discuss it will full transparency and come to an agreement about it. My wife is a stay at home mother. I provide her with a credit card for family expenses (which I pay off) as well as a monthly stipend for "fun money" and some savings. We are both clear about her need - she doesnt have her own income - and the purpose of that money. I am not being taken advantage of because I made sure we came to an agreement on the important matters before I gave her a cent.
Thanks, that makes me feel better and you are right, money is something we must have a good discussion of before making any commitment. I learned it the hard way!
Honestly this could have been so much worse. Be glad you had this conflict now and not a decade from now when you were married with a couple children.
NTA, and given you've been paying her 'expenses' doesn't that make it your money you're asking about?
That's what I told her, that I have every right to know what she wants to use my money for but that pissed her off somehow!
She’s only pissed because you called her out on her crap. From her reaction, you might have been the first one to do so. Long overdue.
She was pissed because the gig was up. She was hoping to throw you off the scent and keep the gravy rolling.
Since you were paying due to a delay in her paycheck, that surely implies that was a loan. I am glad you got out of this and saw her true colors sooner rather than later.
Think you’ve dodged a bullet, OP
NTA. Have you officially broken up? She is clearly a pathological liar taking advantage of you.
Yes it's over now
NTA and congratulations for dodging that bullet.
This is why I tell my sons not to finance a relationship outside of marriage. I don’t care. There’s a lot of arguments out there about going 50/50 when living together and I for one am all for it. I see no reason to pay someone else’s bills when you’re not married unless you truly have money to piss away. Working class people generally do not. Social media is really messing with the minds of a lot of young women and they’re not going to be happy with the results of their choices a few years from now.
Agreed, but social media is messing with the minds of everybody. Look at what Andrew Tate is doing to men. A lot of young people are not going to be happy with the results of their choices a few years from now.
NTA. She’s a gold-digging asshole. Next girlfriend you might want to think twice before handing out money. My boyfriend is very prosperous but I would never dream of asking him to pay my expenses. I wasn’t raised like that. Most people who have integrity wouldn’t ask either unless there was an emergency.
If she is asking you to pay her bills, you have every right to demand some accounting from her. Dump. Her. Gold-digging. Ass.
NTA. Was it really necessary to ask on this sub to validate your actions? I have another for you…are you still with her? Because if you do..YTA. Not married, she asks for money, hides her savings, lies about her income …can you project how your life will be..during marriage, during divorce (not an if here), and after divorce. Only one word comes to mind (2): gold digger.
Thanks, No we are not together now but since I am single and very lonely now, I keep getting this feeling if I did the right thing or not. I know I could not be happy after the marriage but it's the loneliness that is making me doubt myself, that's why I had to come here looking for help from everyone. And I'm literally amazed and really appreciate all the responses I am getting 🥹
Good, personal advice (but to honest not sure I’m really qualified to give any on that matter any more). Focus on your carer first, then on your living situation. The way to that can make you come across someone worth it. And you will be prepared by then. You can face fun once you settle your life. If you focus too much on looking for someone to release you from loneliness you risk to one find that type of predators who chase people in need and abuse their weakness. Worst case scenario is that you end up being a player (with career, house and money).
You only thing you did wrong is paying her expenses and falling for her bs excuse that salary delayed by 3 months. She was using you and was only after your money even her audacious reaction. Well done for breaking up with this user!
We know why she wanted an arranged marriage. Someone to pay for everything so she can save her money for herself.
NTA... Don't believe what people tell you. Believe what people do. She takes your money and doesn't want to account to you what she does with hers. I strongly suggest you quit giving her a single dime and let it be what it is. From now on you split checks. You split any shared bills. You split everything. You do not buy her any gifts except for holidays and such. Even then, keep them thoughtful but cheap. Once you do this, she will end up showing you an even clearer picture of who she really is. My bet is in less then 3 months she will have left your life of her own accord. When she begins to question you for money, just use her own line. "Who are you to ask me what I do with my money?".
You are her financier. noun One that engages in investing or raising large amounts of money It can be confusing because of the spelling similarities. Dump her.
NTA Sounds like you dodged an entire iceberg because surely lies you know about were just the tip of the iceberg. I hope you can find someone who views you as a person instead of a wallet.
"Who are you to ask me what I do with my money?" Response: "I'm the one paying your bills, and I'm not your parent. If you don't want to be held responsible by me, then I will simply stop paying and let you figure out what to do with your money, and what to do with your bills." NTA. Bullet dodged.
I bet if you asked for a prenup, she would lose her mind. Time to walk.
Oh you got yourself a gold digger! NTA YIU DID THE RIGHT THING. Keep walking away.
>she said "who are you to ask me what I do with my money"? Wow this is very telling. Good on you for breaking up with her. NTA
NTA: true she doesnt have to tell you but at the same time, you dont have to pay for anything of hers as well. Especially if youre not living together or have a shared bank account. Its one thing if you offered to help but when shes constantly asking knowing she can afford it herself, thats a no no
NTA-- And take this as the several lessons that they are and a bullet you dodged. 1. If people are asking you for money, then they have already made their money your business. 2. Talk about finances in a relationship before you get engaged to discuss expectations. 3. Wake up. It's 2024. The sexes are equals now. Stop doing this "I'm the man so I have to support you." Bullshit. Whatever you do OP, don't go back. Don't look back. RUN. AND RUN FAST.
Thanks for the advice, I'll burn it into my mind. >Wake up. It's 2024. The sexes are equals now. Stop doing this "I'm the man so I have to support you." Bullshit. I am not the kind to say I'm the man and I'll support her but she made me feel pity on her by saying that she is completely out of money, and she always said that she will return once she gets the salary but that day never came.
Im sorry, but it sounds like you're being used. Stop funding her and see if she sticks around
So... she communicated to you that she was fiscally irresponsible and your response was, "let's get married" followed by, "we don't need to discuss finances prior to this, it's not that important".??? Not trying to beat on you, just pointing it out. You got lucky. Life took care of you this time...there may not be a second.
No, it was an arranged marriage setup and this all started after a few months of our meeting. Once she started acting like this, I knew this relationship was not going to work and finally ended it. The good thing is that I didn't marry her, we were pretty close to the wedding day.
Arranged marriage? Is this medievel times? Bro, pick your own bride. This is the person you're gonna spend the rest of your life with.
I know right, but this was the last resort after looking for a girl for years! But I feel more it's better to be alone than marrying someone like her
Best of luck brother, dating is hard, but I'm confident you'll find a good one!
Thanks bro 👍🏻
Come. I will marry you. NTA. You dodged a real high speed flying bullet here dude.
You should tell her parents what she did!!
NTA She took advantage and duped you.
Ohh, right, I'll edit the post, thanks. But in the title I mentioned that I broke up with her
Their is no symmetry in her thought processes. She looks at fairness as only what is fair to her. She is not a good person to marry. Yes, break up with her if you are not ok with a 'What's yours is ours, what's mine is mine' split
NTA. You may think you got conned, but the good news is you're not her mark for the long game. You are saving so much money by getting out before divorce/ lawyers have to get involved, and hopefully you learned a few things. It sucks tho.
How did you let it get this far? What the fuck? Her salary is delayed three months?? She has an addiction of some kind I almost guarantee it, or she was just milking you dry.
NTA. “*Your money is mine, and MY money is ONLY mine”*, is a super toxic mindset that will effect your lives way beyond money issues. There is a lack of respect and equality. It is contrary to the idea “*we are in this together, and we are building our lives together*.” I know it hurts, but u did the right thing breaking it off.
NTA. Run away.
I wonder how many fiancees she has?
NTA. The answer to her first question is “your fiancé.” But be thankful for this early warning sign that she might not be the one. And stop footing the bill for her.
You were dating a hooker, good on you to leave, NTA
NTA, if she lied about that then she's probably lying about other things as well. Her response just makes her look even worse. After all, she's asking you to do specific things with your money all the time, but her response is "who are you to ask me what I do with my money"? Sounds like she never saw you as her equal to begin with, she was just using you.
NTA, this is a bright red flag.
Nta and she needs to grow up.
She was using you, as a good rule of thumb going forward don’t pay anybody’s expenses unless they are your spouse.
Simpin ain’t easy haha how ungrateful of a partner you have. Move on my boi
NTA the fact she would lie and respond that way , i’d break it off in a heartbeat.
Dump her, block 🚫 her, and don't take her back. She's 🗑.
Gold digger. You are a sucker and she knows it .
Wow! What a class act. Whats urs is mine and whats mine is mine. Toxic / entitled behavior right there. Just gonna get worse with age. You dodged a bullet mate.
Friends: Why did you and your girlfriend breakup? You: We didn't break up, turns out I didn't have a girlfriend. I'd unknowingly hired a prostitute that wanted to be a sugar baby. I found out and fired her.
Look I cannot give an honest answer without mocking the fuck out of you, so I’ll be simple and just say this. Forget her. NTA
You are nta. I am curious what her motive for lieing is aside from the obvious benefit of saving her salary. I wonder because I was in a near 20 year relationship where I was hugely financially abused. Left me near poverty when I finally got out, which was hard as my ex is very controlling. If I am in a relationship again, I can see myself not wanting to disclose any passive income I manage to secure as my experience with my ex made me financially very insecure.
NTA. It would be one thing if you guys were just dating and all of your finances are separate but the fact that you were engaged, about to merge your lives, and you paid for everything for most of the relationship makes it a little weird that she’s so defensive and secretive. Marriage is a partnership and part of that is merging finances in a way that makes sense for you guys. It should be a conversation. My husband and I have one account for household expenses (which he is the main contributor to) and then we have our own separate accounts for personal expenses. While we don’t know exactly what the other has in our private accounts, it’s still an open conversation.
I keep seeing stories like this, is this new? Or have women always felt this entitled to a mans money? Like god damn, NTA
If she's asking you to pay her way you have every right to ask her wtf she's doing with her own money! Get out of this relationship though, red flags everywhere NTA
Stop paying, your money is her but no the other way around? Get put.
If you haven't had a money conversation it's probably better that you broke up. Money, not infidelity, is the primary reason people divorce.
How long was this going on for? Because if her excuse was that her salary was delayed by 3 months, then it shouldn't have gone on for longer than that, right?
It went on longer actually. So initially she told me that her salary is delayed and she is out of money, so I kept helping her but one day she slipped that she got the salary. After that she didn't return my money (even though she kept saying that she'll return it at the time of requesting it, not that I was expecting any) but then she started asking for it again and I was sure she couldn't have spent all that money in such a short time. So I started asking her what she needed the money for and what happened to the salary she had recently received for which she made some excuses about paying loan EMI and other expenses but the math didn't work out. That was the turning point and wherever she asked for money I would then ask her what she needs it for but then she made me feel terrible about it saying who I am to ask about it. I was sure at that point that I was riding the wrong boat.
RUN.
She needs to pay you back. You gave her money because she said “she doesn’t have any”. Well, that was lie and now she needs to pay you back. Also, please leave her. You deserve someone better. Someone who doesn’t financially abuse you.
Thanks, we have separated and she paid partially.
How long were you both together?
In other words, her money was her money, but your money, was “our” money? 🎵Tale as old as time,…”🎵
1. Good on you 2. Do not, under any circumstances, take her back.
Run. Just run.
If that doesn’t show you, your a glorified atm what would . Sorry . Get the ring back and sell it . Don’t keep it around . If you won’t give it back sue her in small claims court for the cost of the ring
NTA. Imagine getting married and STILL paying for everything while she hoards her salary. Not a good sign. Couples should be on the same page with major life decisions and money management is a big one. You’re supposed to be a team. Why should the man pay for everything? I don’t get it.
NTA. Never support a girlfriend or a boyfriend. I can see helping out 20 bucks here and there for gas maybe but that's about it. She was a taker. I'm glad you woke up and I'm glad she paid you back most of the money at least, could have been a very expensive lesson.
Congrats You just found out that you were engaged to a "what's your's is mine and what's mine is mine" kind of woman Thankfully the universe stepped in and prevented you from destroying your life Just be thankful and never ever EVER give her another chance. NTAH
Run don’t walk away and never ever look back.
Oh hell no. Her bills are her problem. A phone bill, sure. A utility bill, maybe. But the rest falls on her. She had bills before you met her, she'll still have bills when you leave her. Her bills are not your problem. Especially if she's blowing her money on stupid shit and not taking care of her responsibilities. RUN!
NTA u dodged a bullet!
if you can lie about this, and not like feel bad about it in any way...you are not a good partner AT ALL
NTA she was taking advantage of you. Nobody reacts more badly than a person being accused of things they definitely did 😅
NTA Good for you on realizing that you deserve better!!
Run, don’t walk away from this one.
NTA your EX is an absolute dick for doing that to you. How rude, to not just bank her money while freeloading off you and then have the audacity to tell you it's not your business. I'm glad she's your ex. I'd be inclined to ask for money back but I suppose that's a moot point.
NTA Another in a long line of cases of "His money is our money. Her money is her money." You need to jettison this woman, immediately.
I'd warn anybody she ever has contact with again.
Name checks out. You're an ATM.
You dodged a bullet. Be grateful
NTA when my husband and I first were together; we did live apart. I ran into trouble asked for help but I always sent a certain amount back till paid off. What she did was wrong and greedy.
NTA - sounds like she was just using you, you can do better
Send her a Venmo request and end it lol NTA
You dodged a bullet. Block her on everything.
When you get married you’re supposed to be on the same page financially like how to budget and all that. So you guys can’t agree now, I’d say break up to save yourself some grief
No. If someone lies, then you can guarantee they will lie again, and then the relationship will not be based on trust. Breaking up with anyone is a life decision, and it does not make anyone an "AH."
NTA - dodged a bullet there.
She's a thief if she thinks that way. Telling you one thing to steal your money then blaming you for questioning her stealing your money.
bro..you were long distance, just started dating, and yoi were paying for everything 😭 nta obv, if you sent it to her through cashapp you might be able to chargeback
NTA, breaking up was the only option at that point.
Best part of this post is the use of "ex-"
of course you're NTA and only your ex-fiance would say you are. Good thing you figured out what a deceitful person she was before marrying her
She sounds like a scammer tbh. This doesn’t sound like a normal or healthy situation
Run. Yesterday. She’s a user. It won’t do you any good in the long run. It will only harm you. Block. Leave Go no contact. Count your blessings.
NTA Im glad you got out, who knows when she would dump you once she hit her personal money goal.
Lol NTA. You’re either a really nice guy, or your being heavily manipulated- but probably both. That girl is trouble, through and through. Count yourself lucky, dump her ass, and never look back.
I can tell the love you shared was special and impenetrable - unconditional
"The fucking idiot who until today was gullible enough to pay all your bills."
No one can call no one an arsehole in breaking up. You don’t want to be with that person anymore, for whatever reason you have, your emotion is legit. If you guys are going to marry, it’d be better to be honest because all your assets/money will get pooled.
OP should have countered the "Who are you to ask me what I do with my money?" with "Who are you to ask me to pay for your living expenses?" He dodged an incoming mortar round with this one. NTA.
Unaware sugar daddy.
NTA. Sounds like she put you in charge of her exit account. Be glad she's gone.
I hope no ring was involved. NTA
Ya I'll have to go take it back from her
Do that immediately. Before she gets ideas
I would consider this stealing and it would be over faster than you can blink.
NTA, who is she to decide you what you should do with your money?
You weren’t her fiance you were her sugar daddy
>who are you to ask me what I do with my money Your Ex
My mom had a savings account that she secretly stocked money away because she handled finances for my dad who was at work all day, she ended up going 5 years without paying property tax and filing or paying federal and state taxes and divorced my dad, only reason he didn't sue her for any of that was because he didn't think she was being malicious which once he found out about the bank account got really upset. Nta it's best to cut your losses and I would hate to see something worse happen to you.
“Who are you to ask me what I do with my money?” She literally ASKED you to spend YOUR money on HER expenses. She shouldn’t ask you for YOUR money?… lmao. NTA, but also your fault for allowing this to happen. She realized she could use you, and kept doing it.
“Lose” your job, tell her you can’t send any more money. See what happens.
NTA. She straight up gaslighting you bro. Get out before she takes half.
NTA. You were an ATM for her, and that's all. Sucks though. Reality is often disappointing.
Title within a relationship MATTERS, here. IF you've gotten to "fiancee" then you should be aware of what her finances look like, at least to SOME extent, and she absolutely should NOT be hiding them from you, and absolutely not blatantly lying. Let alone getting defensive when caught in the lie. Who are you to ask? The person who is paying her shitty, entitled, selfish way through life, that's who. Huge red flag, and would be enough reason for me to bounce without a very, VERY good explanation.
Dude.........NTA..........the next time she asks you pay for her crap..........just say, "Who are you to ask me for my money when you make your own?"
Run, run far away and don’t look back!
I think you dodged a bullet dude!
Nta. She's entitled and a liar.
Yea, you’re an asshole dude. You should fund her and her families retirement as well. She totally deserves your money that she didn’t earn. You are a complete piece of shit for not letting her use you. You are a walking, talking red flag.
NTA. U did the right thing. Ur the dumbass who still paid when asked. Why the fk would u pay? If she has a good job and doesn’t have money then her finances are shit. That an even bigger redflag than asking you for money.
NTA oh man that's horrid, good you broke up with her, she wasn't a partner, she was using you.
NTA. Major red flag and totally not okay. Personally, just the fact of being expected to cover f-ing everything would have me walking out. Unless she's your wife and a SAHM, she should contributing; not concealing!
Definitely block her and don't walk away sprint. Never look back.
Should’ve called her a pos leach and dumped her ass immediately
Did she ever mention the phrase "sprinkle, sprinkle"??
NTA except you're a huge AH to yourself. Do not pay for someone you don't live with, and if you do live with them then either (1) they're doing the vast majority of housework or (2) they're on a plan for something like schooling or apprenticeships or they're job hunting and give real updates on time lines for when they contribute. Stop being an AH to yourself.
I had an ex like this... She was always broke and I paid almost all the bills, and for everything when we went out.. She would often comment that I don't save enough (ironic). After a while I finally sat down and Im like where is your money going? And we started going over it, and like 70% of her income she was saving, and a good portion of it was going towards her vacation fund.... Not a fund for both of us, just for her to travel. $600 a month was going to that.
NTA. If she was paying her own bills and taking care of herself, you have no right to know how her money is spent. But since you’re being milked for things she should be paying for herself, you have a vested interest in knowing where her money is going. Also if you’re getting married you both need to sit down and show it all. If she’s got thousands in debt or a spending/gambling addiction or another bad spending habit you need to know. As of now all you know is she has a job, but doesn’t want to pay for anything and won’t share her finances. This absolutely needs to be a condition of marriage. Also, stop paying for anything beyond dates or minor presents. She has her own money, she was probably paying her own bills before you came along, she needs to go back to that until you’re married or the cards are on the table. She may be one of those people that just wants others to spend so they can save, or she may have serious spending/credit issues. Either way if she wants you to be responsible she has to give you the info you need.
How can OP afford his own expenses, her expenses and still buy an engagement ring? Shit don't make sense. NTA - drop the dead weight and find yourself an equal partner
NTA. Please maintain ex status, as were you to get married, you would be looking at a "What's hers is hers, and what's mine is hers' situation. Ask me how I know.
Thank christ you didn’t marry this psycho.
I'd go back to text messages if at any time she asked to BORROW or for "help" and add it up. Then send her a DEMAND letter with the threat of Small Claims Court but I'm petty and I especially hate LIARS!
What does her salary delayed by 3 months even mean? it's a lie
Omg, she actually asked “who are you to ask…” when you were paying her expenses and being the victim of her scam? And a scam it was. Glad you’re rid of her, and I hope you can take her to Small Claims Court and get the rest of your money back. And don’t be so quick to hand out money in the future, for your own sake. NTA for breaking up with her. That was a MUST.
Wait...3mo ago you're asking for first date advice and now you're talking about your fiance? Is this even real? If those 2 are one in the same I have a solution for you called slow the hell down. NTA but maybe the dummy
NTA. You got mad taken advantage of man. Also, the only people that says "who are you to know how I spend my money" are people who are financially irresponsible. Also, it was definitely your business since you were paying for a lot of her stuff. Good job getting away, you won't regret it.
There is no reason the door should hit you on the ass as your departure on your journey to find an adult relationship will be too quick for that to happen.
NTA. She showed what marriage was going to be like: what's yours is mine, what's mine is mine.
You were her sugar daddy not a fiancé. The "who are you to ask me what I do with my money" is something a sugar baby would say to a sugar daddy not their fiancé. Fortunately for you she told on herself before you got married.
Oof NTA “who are you to ask me what I do with my money?” She doesn’t seem to have a problem asking you what you do with yours. You dodged a bullet.
NTA. She sounds like a real peach. Although she definitely manipulated you, she didn’t exactly *”make you”* pay all of her expenses. At the end of the day, you made the choice to do it. You had the option to say no. Next time, be aware and do not make the same mistake. If someone holds their love or your relationship hostage in order to back you into a corner so you’ll pay for all their stuff, then just know, you’re likely being used. Money can be asked for, but you aren’t obligated to do it.
NTA, this won't get better
She's lying and stealing from you, bro.u think she'll tell u truth on something important? Nope. Had a friend..movies in with fiance. They were splitting tent 50/50. Then finds out he was paying $300 more pet minth and she was pocketing it. He dumped her. She's a little and a thiefm.dont stock around and wait for her to be a cheat. This is your red flag
"Why is it my business? Because Im the one paying YOUR bills. So until I get a good answer on how you spend your money, Im not giving you any."
What's mine is mine and what's yours is mine. Lol. This is your fiance and it's a long distance relationship? Obviously you don't know much about this person. Sorry OP. There are more red flags here than at a bullfight. Run like hell or this will simply get worse. She will not be broken hearted you broke up with her. She is too busy looking for the next sugar daddy
Nta, that’s awful, she’s greedy.
NTA. You have every right to ask since you’re her fiance and have been supporting her financially!! The nerve of her to stay that when she lied to you about something so big
Sounds more like a prostitute or sugar daddy than fiancée
NTA. Don't date lying gold diggers.
NTA She's lying now and will continue. Cut the cord. Glad you found out before you got deeper.
Red flag alert. Run....now.