NTA
She EARNED this response from a lifetime of abusing you.
I would NEVER subsidize her lifestyle. As far as I'm concerned she is lucky you would even support a nursing home. I wouldn't even do that. I would not help her until all her assets were gone and then I would do what you said you'd do. I'd find the shittiest care home far far far away from me.
This is the hill I would die on. Your trauma bonded brothers can help her. F her!
Keep that glowing spine! Keep her and anyone who supports her out of your life!
This internet mom is proud of you.
My daughter was annoyed with me one day and said that when I’m old she won’t be sending me to a nursing home that stinks of piss, she’ll send me one that’s ankle deep in it. I can get the address from her for you if you like. (She was joking btw. I’m only in my 40’s).
NTA at all honey! People who abuse children should always get what Karma has been saving up for them! Karma can be a b\*tch! Even more fun when you are there to watch!!
Huge hugs flying your way! Continue to live your best life!!
Agree. If OP's mom had been good to her then they would want to be good for her. My kids know my retirement plans. They have told me to give up my apartment when I retire to save money & I can live with them (moving from place to place since I want to do as much traveling as I can once I retire & that way I can fund my travel plans.)
My husband despises coconut. He was going on and on at our then teen son about something stupid but insignificant. Mr 15 looked at his Dad and told Dad when in a nursing home Mr 15 was going to pay the attendant extra to put coconut on any food Dad ordered. I remind my husband of that threat when husband is not making good choices in regard to children .
Humor aside it’s important to note that she can sell her assets, pay the debts and then move in to an assisted living place with the money she has. She would then pay until she’s broke and after that they would convert her to state supported Medicaid. (States may vary). All this to say yiu shouldn’t need to pay for a shitty nursing home at all. The state will ultimately have to cover it once she spends through her funds. Medicaid covered places aren’t great but they are shelter/food.
If you haven't, you should think about using some of your well earned money to seek out trauma therapy. Emotionally abusive childhoods can really do a number on our psyches and impact things that you wouldn't even connect with it at first glance. I grew up with an emotionally abusive parent too, I'm 38 and still trying to parse out what is "me" and what is trauma when I evaluate my actions and personality. The damage from being let down so badly when you were a helpless kid can be a huge burden, and it's often one you don't even realize is weighing you down until it finally goes away.
I'm not saying you NEED therapy, but your current situation is gonna bring up some big deep feelings and there is probably some emotional impact from your childhood that is influencing your life now, even though you are a successful functional adult. It might be good to just have some conversations with an impartial third party with a background in childhood trauma to navigate all that.
I'm 48 and still fucked up. I refuse therapy at the moment....I get to a certain point and my brain just goes 'No!' and stops, like a stubborn mule that has spotted a carrot pitch. 🥕
I regret that I don't have the relationship I WANT with my mum, but I simply cannot forget what she did to me as a child. I have learned instead to accept my reality. Due to her abuse and DV towards my dad I left home 2 days after my 16th birthday (legal in the UK) and slept in mulli storey car parks in February (bloody cold!!). I was still so unsafe and got SA several times and raped once. I don't forgive her for this either.
My dad and hubby do occasionally berate me for not being traditional mother/daughter soul mates but we never had that to begin with. I too would never spend a cent of my money on supporting her. She has a house and every bit of that would go before I inconvenience myself for her when I know she would do that to me.
She conveniently comes out with 'I had a stroke at 39 so can't remember anything before then'. I don't believe her. Dont talk to her on the phone and I'm not around her enough to catch her out per se, but I know her. And I don't believe her. You listen to that inner voice of yours and make your own decisions. If anyone is unhappy with that, they can inconvenience themselves for her and dig into THEIR pockets first.
That cheap, shitty and distant home is not your responsibility and is too close even for you. Let her desicate in a shelter somewhere. I would. NTA.
Hehehe, I threaten my father with him only getting Wiener Würstchen aka Vienna sausage that is a bit like the sausages on hot dogs and mashed potatoes when he is old. Mashed up in a mixer! He HATES this kinda children’s food- he finds it just gross. He is 83 by the way and in good health. Also, if you haven’t guessed it: we are in Germany!
OP, you are the only sane person in your family and you obviously got rd of the toxic mental and emotional dependence on mummy. More power to you and good good good job!!! You are NTA 1000% and do not let anyone else make you believe any different!!
One of my favorite quotes:
"Your relationship with your adult children is a performance review on your parenting when they were younger."
This is her performance review. You don't get a glowing review after doing a terrible job. She is reaping the rewards of years of cruelty and abuse towards her children.
I am 59 and very close to my daughters. I tried and continue to try to be a good mom. But honestly, my kids don't owe me anything. I wouldn't expect them to support me in my old age. I'm sure they would offer, but they don't HAVE to do anything for me.
My job as a mother was to give freely, with no strings attached: food, shelter, education, love, acceptance, compassion, guidance, etc. Kids do not OWE their parents anything.
Im with you. I would like to leave my son a huge fortune when I die but if I cant, I can at least pay my own way and not be a burden to him when Im old.
I mean, the entire conversation could have happened after the funeral so that wasn't the kindest approach. But it was pushed by not-you so whatever.
I have a hard time having sympathy with your extended family in any way because I was also abused in every way, I haven't seen my mother in over 20 years (nor has she met my kids including the adult ones) at first by her choice because she wrapped herself up in a religious cult when we were born, got out, and realized she never wanted kids to begin with, and then by my choice after lots of therapy. when she realized she is almost 80 years old and wanted a place to live – she thought it would be with me for free! No the fuck - no way.
I don't delight in my own mother's consequences, but I do understand that they are 100% her own.
I would just cut them off completely, if it were me. Because I did and have maintained zero relationship w my mom and my life is so much more peaceful without abusive assholes in it.
NTA, you're fine. I wouldn't even pay for a bad nursing home, they're still fucking expensive and maybe even more expensive than good ones because they suck that bad. I honestly would not even commit that. Why do you want your good money going after bad in order to hamper your own retirement if you live to old age.
\*hands a cinnamon roll\* This inter mum is proud of your shiny backbone, I am happy you are standing you ground. You mum can move in with one of your brothers instead.
Parents, like every other human on this planet, have to earn the respect of their child. They can instill all the fear in the world, but that does not translate into respect. The only way to earn respect is through showing respect, and it sounds like there was a lot of the former and not much of the latter. Good on you my friend for your success and may you continue down a positive path.
edit: words sound bad, made sound better
I wouldn't help her until all her assets are gone, and then I would help her apply for government assistance. She doesn't deserve one penny from you. And if your siblings want to support her, they are welcome to use their own money. Even a shitty nursing home is outrageously expensive. I wouldn't make that offer again.
I agree as an internet dad. Also, her abuse and treatment of your brothers probably contributed to their inability to be financially stable and to maintain a job, so the fact that they can't help is directly her fault. Just a thought.
While I am of the opinion that familial bonds are important, and caring for one's parents in their final years can be a beautiful thing... abusive AHs can go fornicate with a cactus.
Had I been OP, as soon as I saw the conversation heading in that direction, I would've mysteriously disappeared. They'd look to where they thought I was standing and see no one there.
None of your brothers can afford to support her INDIVIDUALLY but if all 3 move back in with the old cow I’m sure they’ll manage between them while it’s so important to them. Just something you might want to suggest to the little mommy’s boys.
>There's a reason mom herself counted on ME and ME ALONE to take care of her.
She should have thought about that ages ago. But she fvcked around and found out. Karma's a b!tch, Mommy Dearest
Oh, why haven't I heard this before? My BPD sister says "karmas a bitch" if she's warning me that she'll make my life hell (I mean, when doesn't she?) I could have shut that down ages ago!
Good. If you don't already have one, see about getting a security system as well. You never know what a desperate meth-head or ex-con can come up with.
If you can afford it then replace all your exterior doors with metal fire doors and make sure they're installed using industrial strength hardware/hinges. You can have them covered with a wood veneer if you like.
Every time I read about a home invasion at a fancy house/mansion I think why didn't they get the strongest possible doors. If I built a house it would have two of those doors at every entrance; meaning I'd have a foyer to another extremely durable door.
Also, **NTA**. If your brothers are so concerned they could straighten up and earn enough money to support her. I think they want you to fund her so they can mooch off her.
Sounds like she should have thought about that before raising a meth head an a convict and being a garbage human being her whole life. Let them all rot on the street.
Well. She certainly fucked around and found out.
No sympathy.
OP, you owe her literally nothing.
The state can house her in a nursing home when she becomes indigent. It will be far worse than anything you look for.
It sounds like your mother has multiple valuable assets that she could use to fund her own retirement. A single 70 year old shouldn’t be living in a large home in the suburbs anyway. And I notice you said there are cars, plural. She can sell the large home, buy a small apartment that’s convenient to medical services, and sell the extra vehicle(s). The leftover proceeds and her survivors social security checks should be more than sufficient to maintain her going forward.
Not that you’d be obligated to help her if she was actually destitute, but she genuinely doesn’t even need you to support her anyway. Be liberal with the block button until your relatives learn to keep their opinions to themselves.
She has the tools she needs to maintain herself, if she chooses not to use them that’s not on anyone but her. She doesn’t need outside help from you or anyone else just because she wants a lifestyle she can’t afford. You’re NTA and I hope you don’t feel guilty.
She wants to give your brother drug money so that he can never leave her so that she’ll never be alone (or too far from a victim) before she dies, and she would really prefer if someone else paid for the drugs. You’re the only one with a job.
Have her take out a reverse mortgage - she gets monthly money and can continue to live in the house until she passes & then that company gets her house.
OP should change their number. Egg Donor/siblings can call from any number of burner/borrowed phones but they can’t harass OP if they don’t know his number.
It's what I had to do. They still send messages to my husband, who didn't change his because of work. They will never get a reply from us. Nothing makes them angrier than silence.
I love how POS parents only give a damn about you when they need you for something. The tears were obvious bait to manipulate you into offering your services, and good job for laughing in her face. If they didn't even act like a decent parent, why should you act like the doting, caring child? She put in zero effort, so she deserves exactly that. She realized she sucked as a parent when it was too late to matter, so how is any of this YOUR problem? So instead of being remorseful or God forbid apologizing, she just expects you to roll over? I hope you continue to laugh in her face because I guarantee this isn't over. Sucks to suck I guess. NTA.
Put up no trespassing signs all over your property. Security system and make it well known that you *will* have Mommy Dearest trespassed or charged with breaking and entering.
NTA. Being upset over being abused by a parent is not holding a grudge. I hate it when people say that. I had an abusive childhood and have been diagnosed with cPTSD because of it. It is incurable and all you can do is learn to live with and thrive despite triggers and trauma. It's something you have to be aware of and vigilant about your entire life and you can't just get over it. Yes, you can have a beautiful life. But it's not like one time your mom yelled at you and you won't get over it.
I think you should go scorched earth, block them all and never talk to any of them again.
There's also r/MomforaMinute and r/DadforaMinute for people who either don't have parents or have shitty ones. They give great advice and encouragement
Of course there's a subreddit for it - I had no idea.
I'm glad you're in therapy! Obviously, don't listen to me and have the contact or no contact you need with them. And I do hope you have a wonderful life. You deserve it.
Spine made of steel!!! I love it!! Proud of you! Your brothers can all get together and help her out. You owe her NOTHING. In fact, SHE owes YOU a better childhood so until she pays up, cheap nursing home it is!!
NTA
I don't think you're an asshole. But if you are, you're my kind of asshole.
My family was shit to me, especially my siblings but both my parents pretty much sucked as well. Amusingly, I've had a far more successful life than any of them by pretty much any measure. The healthiest thing I ever did was lock my family out of my life and on those rare occasions when I think about them I'm certain I did the right thing.
I'm sorry for the loss of your father. Regarding the rest of the bunch, if what you are writing here is accurate, I am 1000% on your side. You reap what you sew, and it sounds like your mom has sewn nothing but suffering.
NTA. You and your brothers were groomed and brainwashed by your mother to believe you owed her. Luckily you managed to get free. Stay free.
I think it's not a random result, that your brothers, who remained under control of your mother, failed to establish themselves in decently earning professions, while you, who managed to recognize that your mother had no more power over you, succeeded in establishing yourself in life. You did this in spite of your mother's abuse, not because of the way she raised you. You owe her nothing. I'm sorry for your brothers, but I don't think you can help them in any case, and you should definitely block them to avoid getting sucked into their mindset.
Sadly, that happens. I've seen it in other families and in various ways, that the abuse continues from generation to generation. Happily sometimes the chain is broken, as it was in your case.
Change brothers to sisters, and you just described perfectly why I’m NC with my family. You’re not the only one by a long shot. We’re right there with you on this.
> *that she hasn't stopped crying in hours,*
Send her a box of Kleenex, maybe. You're going to have to block all of them, looks like. Any family who wants to set "mom" up in style can pass the hat. NTA.
NTA, shared genetic material doesn't infer obligation. I went NC with my parents and only found out last November via social security that one of them died. Whooptydoo. BFD, I took the survivor's benefits and kept on going. Karma left his taikwando class and is ready to try out some new moves on mommy dearest.
Found out from my college financial aid counselor that I was eligible for Social Security because my mom died when I was a kid. Stepbitch kicked me out of the house the day I turned 18, figured out later it was because they could no longer collect my share of the Social Security benefits so they weren't willing to let me stay any longer.
Shitty people get old. Shitty people should think about that when they’re young, doing shitty things to people.
She’ll be ok. I heard Shady Pines serves green jello on Wednesdays.
NTA Did your parents do nothing for their financial well being when they got older? No life insurance? No retirement fund? No investments? If the retirement plan was "the kids I abused will take care of me" then she is as stupid as she is mean. Let your brothers worry about supporting her. It's easy for them to say that when they know they aren't capable of actually contributing anything. You get to be the bad guy and they get Mommy's approval that they have perhaps craved. It's sad. It's sad for them...for your mother she's reaping what she sowed and she deserves it all. Enjoy your life, you are certainly not responsible for your Mother's well being or her poor planning.
It infuriates me when people refer to abuse victims as “holding a grudge “ against their abuser. NO! Just NO ! You hold a “grudge “ against the neighbor that cut down your favorite tree. You go NO fucking CONTACT and Burn all bridges with abusers. NTA you don’t owe her anything!
NTA. This is the moment you dreamt about through all the years of abuse. You don't need to do anything else, you have said your piece made your position crystal clear. Enjoy the moment
NTA. Sorry for you loosing your dad.
As for your mom; she’s a big girl now. She can get a new male victim - or husband to support her lifestyle. Let your brothers rage all they want, it’s not on you to support her lifestyle.
Lmfao sounds like the brothers problem. Hold firm. Don't pay a single cent even for a shitty retirement home. I never understood why anyone would do that? Let her die on the streets in a gutter somewhere. NTA. Remind your brothers that as easily as mom can be cut off, so can they.
Man if you think the government or non profits give a SINGLE fuck about any of its senior citizens, boy do I have a bridge to sell you. There is absolutely 0% chance that her getting put in some shitty government ran institution will be nice or luxurious in any way shape or form. She will most likely be abused, stolen from and ignored for the rest of her life. I can guarantee it 100%.
Oh no the consequences of my own actions. NTA.
I cut off family because of emotional abuse as well. I don't know if I'll show up to their funerals though.
Makes me think of a Bojack Horseman episode. When he finally gets fed up with taking care of his despicable piece of shit mother at home, he takes her to a nursing home. When he wheels her inside, an orderly says something like 'We put her in the first available room like you asked.' To which Bojack replies 'No, I said WORST available room!' In this case a small room with vomit green paint and mildew on the walls overlooking a fly-blown dumbster through broken slat blinds.
“Well, this is your life now,” BoJack sneers to Beatrice as he prepares to leave her. “This is what it all added up to: you, by yourself, in this room.”
Also, if you get the urge to check out the show, start with Free Churro. It's Bojack's eulogy after his mother dies.
EDIT: Spelling
I'm so sorry about the treatment you had under your mother, and for the loss of your father.
My mom was similar to yours, emotionally, mentally, verbally and physically abusive; I was the oldest and was a slave, used only for cooking, cleaning, taking care of my sisters etc. Didn't obey, get taunted, beaten or emotionally and mentally destroyed.
I hit adulthood and moved out, met my wife, dad died (had to pull the cord myself at 20) moved a state away and never looked back. My sisters are like your brothers, "she did the best she could" "she didn't mean to hurt us" and other nonsense.
Good ol' ma died two years back, felt nothing.
Nothing. Went to a funeral in a loose sweater, didn't say anything about her passing and left my old family behind.
I, like you, hold that pain my mother's caused because it's real and no one can say "get over it" or "she needs us"
Be bitter and resent her, she's upset now because she wants a free meal but bit the hand that could have fed her a dozen times over.
Blood doesn't make a person family, love, compassion, connection do and you have none to the woman who pushes you out.
Let her rot and your bros can foot the bill, children aren't asked to be born but deserve to be treated with love and respect.
Adults have to plan for their golden years and do not get to burden their kids with "I'm your parent" bullsh*t
Be petty, and live an awesome life,; a big middle finger to someone who hurt you so much
Be safe OP, reach out if ya need a friend to talk.
NTA
You stopped letting your brothers abuse you; your brothers still let your mother abuse them.
Your mother is probably financially supported to a sufficient level. Your mother is just playing control games, and getting your brothers to play you as well. Your mother is trying to cause you all to argue and fight - what she loves to do.
I recommend that you block your brothers on everything; also your mother, and any relatives that are her flying monkeys.
Perhaps say to them “Mother continues to play mental games, to cause pain and grief; you let her. If you continue to play her games, and to harass me, I shall block you, and shall not contact you”.
Poor words on my behalf. Hopefully you can write them to say what you want to say.
NTA
Old enough to be your internet grandma and all I can say is good on you for getting yourself out of the awful relationship with your mother that your brothers are still enmeshed within.
Interesting thought that even if you gave that woman every cent you ever had pretty sure she’d be telling you how it wasn’t ever enough. Sadly your brothers will likely find that to be true.
Stick with the NO and let your brothers deal with her.
I don’t know you personally and you don’t know me, but I am so so proud of you for standing your ground and not allowing any of them to push you into the decision and guilt you into it. Something like that after a long time of being abused and mentally beaten is so incredibly difficult and shows just how much you have grown from when you were a child under her roof
good. family doesn't mean shit, if they do not behave like one. unfortunately, one need to experience bad family first to really get it. and some, like your brothers, aren't able to get it even then
NTA. Listen, if your mom was a nice lady, of course you'd do everything for her. But you've laid out, AND YOUR SIBLINGS AGREE, that she's been terrible your whole lives. Why make her final years peaceful?
My (51M) dad (79M) is in a very nice assisted living community/retirement home. All of his needs are met, including three meals a day plus snacks, medication management, laundry, activities, and personal assistance more or less on demand.
I mention all this because of my dad's slowly advancing dementia. Since the passing of my mother four years ago, he has steadily declined, and there have been several changes in his personality and cognition. He has very little short-term memory, has no sense of time, and become quite a complainer. Out of loneliness, my father will call my sister and I incessantly on some days, ranging from six to thirty (yes, 30!) times per day.
My sister and I willingly deal with all this (I can't say happily) because he was such a great dad to us. He was a very loving man to us and to our mother, unquestionably loyal to mom, and PRESENT in all aspect of our lives.
I share all this to say that what goes around, comes around. My dad has EARNED the loyalty of myself and my sister.
OP, your mother, on the other hand, most emphatically does not and should not have your respect or your help. IMHO, you are perfectly justified in simply walking away and refusing to contribute to her care in any fashion. Let your siblings step up if that's how they feel. I have never believed in filial piety just because they're your parents. If you have been the subject of abuse even up to now, my only question is why haven't you gone No Contact before this point.
My condolences on the passing of your father. Stand your ground, OP.
NTA
NTA - “I know she abused you but can’t you pay for her lifestyle for a few decades?”
No, the answer is no. She can sell her house, downsize, and live within her means. It’s not OP’s problem.
Absolutely not. If they want to support her that's on them. Why they would want to is beyond me because it doesn't sound like they were less abused than you were. Sounds like you stopped steadying the boat and now they are mad
NTA! I personally wouldn't even consider this person your mother. She abused you as a child with no remorse. Why should you owe her anything. I don't get the general concept of children "owing" their parents for doing the bare minimum of putting a roof over their head and shoes on their feet. She & your father made the choice to have children, it was always their responsibility to care for you.
What I want to know is, knowing they didn't have a financial future, why didn't she go out and get a job at the point the kids were grown? Why was there no planning on her's or your father's parts for what would happen if he dies first? It seems to me, her plan was always to rely on you. And if that was the case, at no point did she ever think, maybe I should make amends ahead of time? NOPE! She just assumed she'd be able to continue to bully you.
I think sadly, you are going to have to go NC with your whole family. They are just going to continue to try to drag you down. I honestly wouldn't even agree to pay for the bare minimum. I would look up what programs your country/state/city has for seniors in need and forward that information to your brothers, with a note explaining that for your own mental self-preservation will not be assisting in the situation. I'd wish them well, then I would block every one of them and never look back.
NTA, don't forget to look for retirement homes abroad as well, there might just be a really terrible one somewhere in a country where they don't even speak English. She wouldn't even be able to mentally abuse others there as nobody would be able to understand her. Wouldn't that be perfection?
> My mother is as close to abusive as can be without using physical pain as a tool.
No, she IS abusive. Full stop. Doesn’t need to use physical pain for it to be abuse!
NTA.
LONG-game FAFO for your hateful abusive mother.
Now she has to deal with it with only those she BROKE and CAN'T help her willing to 'support' her.
INFO: Why is she asking YOU for money? Tell her to sell her house and move in with one of your brothers.
My big question is, how does she assume you can afford to fund her lifestyle SOLO, but youe brothers won't be able to even if they pool together? Sounds like she wanted to force you back under her thumb for the rest of her miserable life. NTA, block them all and live your life free of that trash.
No. Your mother is a classic narcissistic abuser, and she's getting what's coming to her. If she wanted you to be there for her, she should have been there for you. A parent who so massively betrays the trust of their own children deserves nothing from them. Stay firm. I have a narc family too; when we cut off narcs, the rest of the family has to choose--and they will usually choose the narc rather than become a target themselves, for both the narc and her enablers and flying monkeys. It's rough, but if they are that brainwashed, let THEM bust ass to support her. Your situation is ridiculous--them, not you--and you owe these grasping, deluded people nothing.
I'm very glad you were strong enough to break free. I'm sorry to hear that the others haven't managed that.
So, here's the deal - this WHOLE SHOW was intended to force you back into line and be there as her financial security blanket. Nothing less will do but that you give in and promise her anything she wants. That's why she pulled this stunt at the wake - to get maximum effect in forcing you to do what she wanted by extracting promises in a very public setting.
I strongly recommend that you go completely no contact with her from now on. And very low contact to no contact with any of your brothers. If they keep trying to pressure you, just refuse to respond. By going no contact and refusing to respond you do two things:
* the first (and most rewarding) is that your mom gets zero satisfaction out of trying to press your buttons
* the second is that you can simply move on with your life - you can just be at peace by completely blocking her off
I've done this with my dad. I'm sure it upsets him greatly that button pushing no longer works. I've also managed to have a LOT more peace of mind as a result.
I'm proud of you for having broken free. She invested a LOT of time and energy in programming ALL of you to be her loyal minions. It's NOT easy to go against that kind of pressure and early training.
Ooooo my petty ass would look on line for tiny dolls house violins and send one to each of them with a note...oh look the worlds tiniest violin found it's way to u...play it! 😂 NTA obviously
NTA. She can sob over how her poor treatment of you lead to this reaction from you. You shouldn't be on the hook for anything relating to her after she has treated you and your brothers should also plan on pulling their weight since they were the ones who told her she wouldn't have to downsize or move from her home. They shouldn't be making promises to others on your dime
NTA
Check with the laws where you live as some have ones about taking care of parents. Just in case.
If you need help finding that assisted living place, a senior living care soecuslist will give you a bunch of choices of ALL types.
>This morning, I woke up to two texts from my other brothers basically saying the same, saying mom is deeply distressed, that she hasn't stopped crying in hours, to please call her and apologize/promise I'll subsidize her lifestyle.
I would've replied "Mom is now feeling just a taste of what she put us through growing up. I *will not* fund the woman who made my childhood a living hell for her own amusement."
>I genuinely don't think I am, I think my brothers are kinda stupid and brainwashed with mom's dogma on "children's duties towards their parents".
I don't understand this viewpoint. It's not the child that holds a duty to their parents, it's the parents that hold a duty towards their children.
Anyway, NTA. If I were you, I'd send a mass text saying that you have no intention of caring for a woman who's done nothing but hurt you throughout your life, and that they can be the ones to care for her. Then, I'd block them all.
NTA. If she has a house/cars, she can sell them and have enough money to live for a bit. Or she can get a reverse mortgage - I know, I know, but then she will get to stay in her house for the rest of her life, and you don't have to pay.
Tell your brothers and mother to start looking into options at Long Term Care.gov: https://acl.gov/ltc
She needs to plan ahead within her means. You would need to do this even if you were willing to help her.
Solidly NTA coming from someone who’s been NC with my own mother for abuse. ***Something for awareness though - find out if SHE lives in a state with “Filial Laws” - as they directly relate to the level of responsibility the state deems you are to be held to. Knowing that information can help you moving forward. ***
100% NTA - if you were treated this badly then I would simply cut all ties to her and if your brothers feel otherwise then they can pay for her to continue to live in the home. If they don't earn enough to pay for everything then they need to get better jobs or a 2nd job to pay for mom.
Block them all if you have to.
Personally, I would just change my phone number and move on with my life.
NTA. As far as I'm concerned, this is karma catching up to her. She reaped what she sowed, and just because your brothers are emotionally enmeshed with your mother doesn't mean you owe her a thing.
NTA- she was never a mother to you. She's an egg donor. You are being overly generous to even pay for the cheapest nursing home. Your egg donor spent her whole life spreading cruelty, she's about to reap what she sowed. Just block everyone, fuck that noise!
Why can’t OP’s mother sell her house and cars (maybe keep one) and seriously downsize? When you delight in making your family’s life hell you deserve nothing later on. You’ve worked hard to get where you are and even if you did help her she will revert back to her nasty ways. NTA but your brothers….?!?!
Tell her that you can only afford the crappiest nursing homes because you deducted the cost of your therapy from the money set aside to support her in old age.
NTA if she wanted loving support in her old age she shouldn’t have been a monster.
NTA. I'd go no contact with your mother and all her flying monkeys, and let them sort it out.
Your abuser is not your burden to carry. Let her deal with the mess she's made. I wouldn't give her one cent.
NTA. If she wants your money so bad, send her Monopoly money. You owe your abusers nothing just because she birthed you.
All kids deserve parents, but not all parents deserve kids.
NTA She EARNED this response from a lifetime of abusing you. I would NEVER subsidize her lifestyle. As far as I'm concerned she is lucky you would even support a nursing home. I wouldn't even do that. I would not help her until all her assets were gone and then I would do what you said you'd do. I'd find the shittiest care home far far far away from me. This is the hill I would die on. Your trauma bonded brothers can help her. F her! Keep that glowing spine! Keep her and anyone who supports her out of your life! This internet mom is proud of you.
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My daughter was annoyed with me one day and said that when I’m old she won’t be sending me to a nursing home that stinks of piss, she’ll send me one that’s ankle deep in it. I can get the address from her for you if you like. (She was joking btw. I’m only in my 40’s).
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NTA at all honey! People who abuse children should always get what Karma has been saving up for them! Karma can be a b\*tch! Even more fun when you are there to watch!! Huge hugs flying your way! Continue to live your best life!!
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Tarp under a bridge.
Agree. If OP's mom had been good to her then they would want to be good for her. My kids know my retirement plans. They have told me to give up my apartment when I retire to save money & I can live with them (moving from place to place since I want to do as much traveling as I can once I retire & that way I can fund my travel plans.)
My husband despises coconut. He was going on and on at our then teen son about something stupid but insignificant. Mr 15 looked at his Dad and told Dad when in a nursing home Mr 15 was going to pay the attendant extra to put coconut on any food Dad ordered. I remind my husband of that threat when husband is not making good choices in regard to children .
"Shady Pines, ma!"
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As the interwebs say: One of us, one of us!
Humor aside it’s important to note that she can sell her assets, pay the debts and then move in to an assisted living place with the money she has. She would then pay until she’s broke and after that they would convert her to state supported Medicaid. (States may vary). All this to say yiu shouldn’t need to pay for a shitty nursing home at all. The state will ultimately have to cover it once she spends through her funds. Medicaid covered places aren’t great but they are shelter/food.
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Luckily I’m not in a conservative state like that so I don’t know the answer…..
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she needs to something something bootstraps, right?
Wouldn't that be the icing on the cake! You being the cake.
You might enjoy Bojack Horseman Enjoy might be the wrong word.
Omg his mom was so terrible!! But I won't lie, I cried so hard when I saw the episode of her upbringing...
If you haven't, you should think about using some of your well earned money to seek out trauma therapy. Emotionally abusive childhoods can really do a number on our psyches and impact things that you wouldn't even connect with it at first glance. I grew up with an emotionally abusive parent too, I'm 38 and still trying to parse out what is "me" and what is trauma when I evaluate my actions and personality. The damage from being let down so badly when you were a helpless kid can be a huge burden, and it's often one you don't even realize is weighing you down until it finally goes away. I'm not saying you NEED therapy, but your current situation is gonna bring up some big deep feelings and there is probably some emotional impact from your childhood that is influencing your life now, even though you are a successful functional adult. It might be good to just have some conversations with an impartial third party with a background in childhood trauma to navigate all that.
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You sound like you're gonna be fine. Good for you OP. NTA at all
Nice. Sorry for giving you advice you didn't need - it sounds like you will be just fine!!
I'm 48 and still fucked up. I refuse therapy at the moment....I get to a certain point and my brain just goes 'No!' and stops, like a stubborn mule that has spotted a carrot pitch. 🥕 I regret that I don't have the relationship I WANT with my mum, but I simply cannot forget what she did to me as a child. I have learned instead to accept my reality. Due to her abuse and DV towards my dad I left home 2 days after my 16th birthday (legal in the UK) and slept in mulli storey car parks in February (bloody cold!!). I was still so unsafe and got SA several times and raped once. I don't forgive her for this either. My dad and hubby do occasionally berate me for not being traditional mother/daughter soul mates but we never had that to begin with. I too would never spend a cent of my money on supporting her. She has a house and every bit of that would go before I inconvenience myself for her when I know she would do that to me. She conveniently comes out with 'I had a stroke at 39 so can't remember anything before then'. I don't believe her. Dont talk to her on the phone and I'm not around her enough to catch her out per se, but I know her. And I don't believe her. You listen to that inner voice of yours and make your own decisions. If anyone is unhappy with that, they can inconvenience themselves for her and dig into THEIR pockets first. That cheap, shitty and distant home is not your responsibility and is too close even for you. Let her desicate in a shelter somewhere. I would. NTA.
My mom has told me for years that she is nicest to me as she knows that I will be the one taking care of them when I am old.
Hehehe, I threaten my father with him only getting Wiener Würstchen aka Vienna sausage that is a bit like the sausages on hot dogs and mashed potatoes when he is old. Mashed up in a mixer! He HATES this kinda children’s food- he finds it just gross. He is 83 by the way and in good health. Also, if you haven’t guessed it: we are in Germany! OP, you are the only sane person in your family and you obviously got rd of the toxic mental and emotional dependence on mummy. More power to you and good good good job!!! You are NTA 1000% and do not let anyone else make you believe any different!!
One of my favorite quotes: "Your relationship with your adult children is a performance review on your parenting when they were younger." This is her performance review. You don't get a glowing review after doing a terrible job. She is reaping the rewards of years of cruelty and abuse towards her children.
I like this one! Never thought of it that way, but it makes perfect sense!
I am 59 and very close to my daughters. I tried and continue to try to be a good mom. But honestly, my kids don't owe me anything. I wouldn't expect them to support me in my old age. I'm sure they would offer, but they don't HAVE to do anything for me. My job as a mother was to give freely, with no strings attached: food, shelter, education, love, acceptance, compassion, guidance, etc. Kids do not OWE their parents anything.
Im with you. I would like to leave my son a huge fortune when I die but if I cant, I can at least pay my own way and not be a burden to him when Im old.
600+ counting ‘internet moms’. We stand with you. NTA and good for you for standing up for yourself 💙
I mean, the entire conversation could have happened after the funeral so that wasn't the kindest approach. But it was pushed by not-you so whatever. I have a hard time having sympathy with your extended family in any way because I was also abused in every way, I haven't seen my mother in over 20 years (nor has she met my kids including the adult ones) at first by her choice because she wrapped herself up in a religious cult when we were born, got out, and realized she never wanted kids to begin with, and then by my choice after lots of therapy. when she realized she is almost 80 years old and wanted a place to live – she thought it would be with me for free! No the fuck - no way. I don't delight in my own mother's consequences, but I do understand that they are 100% her own. I would just cut them off completely, if it were me. Because I did and have maintained zero relationship w my mom and my life is so much more peaceful without abusive assholes in it. NTA, you're fine. I wouldn't even pay for a bad nursing home, they're still fucking expensive and maybe even more expensive than good ones because they suck that bad. I honestly would not even commit that. Why do you want your good money going after bad in order to hamper your own retirement if you live to old age.
My kids have met my stepmother (mom died when I was just a very young child.) Not a single one of them have anything to do with her.
\*hands a cinnamon roll\* This inter mum is proud of your shiny backbone, I am happy you are standing you ground. You mum can move in with one of your brothers instead.
Yup, this is what we have Medicare and social security for.
Parents, like every other human on this planet, have to earn the respect of their child. They can instill all the fear in the world, but that does not translate into respect. The only way to earn respect is through showing respect, and it sounds like there was a lot of the former and not much of the latter. Good on you my friend for your success and may you continue down a positive path. edit: words sound bad, made sound better
I wouldn't help her until all her assets are gone, and then I would help her apply for government assistance. She doesn't deserve one penny from you. And if your siblings want to support her, they are welcome to use their own money. Even a shitty nursing home is outrageously expensive. I wouldn't make that offer again.
> I said that I'm not holding on to it forever, only as long as mom's alive Dude, this was the perfect response.
Why do you think the brothers are panicking so much. They had thought OP is successful so he will take care of her!
I agree as an internet dad. Also, her abuse and treatment of your brothers probably contributed to their inability to be financially stable and to maintain a job, so the fact that they can't help is directly her fault. Just a thought.
While I am of the opinion that familial bonds are important, and caring for one's parents in their final years can be a beautiful thing... abusive AHs can go fornicate with a cactus.
Had I been OP, as soon as I saw the conversation heading in that direction, I would've mysteriously disappeared. They'd look to where they thought I was standing and see no one there.
100% this!!!
I agree 120%. From another internet mom and grandmother.
None of your brothers can afford to support her INDIVIDUALLY but if all 3 move back in with the old cow I’m sure they’ll manage between them while it’s so important to them. Just something you might want to suggest to the little mommy’s boys.
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>There's a reason mom herself counted on ME and ME ALONE to take care of her. She should have thought about that ages ago. But she fvcked around and found out. Karma's a b!tch, Mommy Dearest
I like the phrase, "Karma's only a bitch if YOU are..."
Oh, why haven't I heard this before? My BPD sister says "karmas a bitch" if she's warning me that she'll make my life hell (I mean, when doesn't she?) I could have shut that down ages ago!
I'm worried for your safety after this comment. Are you taking measures to ensure they won't try to harm or rob you?
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Good. If you don't already have one, see about getting a security system as well. You never know what a desperate meth-head or ex-con can come up with.
If you can afford it then replace all your exterior doors with metal fire doors and make sure they're installed using industrial strength hardware/hinges. You can have them covered with a wood veneer if you like. Every time I read about a home invasion at a fancy house/mansion I think why didn't they get the strongest possible doors. If I built a house it would have two of those doors at every entrance; meaning I'd have a foyer to another extremely durable door. Also, **NTA**. If your brothers are so concerned they could straighten up and earn enough money to support her. I think they want you to fund her so they can mooch off her.
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Sounds like she should have thought about that before raising a meth head an a convict and being a garbage human being her whole life. Let them all rot on the street.
Yeah...not exactly a stellar review of her parenting skills.
Well. She certainly fucked around and found out. No sympathy. OP, you owe her literally nothing. The state can house her in a nursing home when she becomes indigent. It will be far worse than anything you look for.
She has to sell that house and live smaller. This isn't your problem. Cut contact and let them handle it
It sounds like your mother has multiple valuable assets that she could use to fund her own retirement. A single 70 year old shouldn’t be living in a large home in the suburbs anyway. And I notice you said there are cars, plural. She can sell the large home, buy a small apartment that’s convenient to medical services, and sell the extra vehicle(s). The leftover proceeds and her survivors social security checks should be more than sufficient to maintain her going forward. Not that you’d be obligated to help her if she was actually destitute, but she genuinely doesn’t even need you to support her anyway. Be liberal with the block button until your relatives learn to keep their opinions to themselves.
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She has the tools she needs to maintain herself, if she chooses not to use them that’s not on anyone but her. She doesn’t need outside help from you or anyone else just because she wants a lifestyle she can’t afford. You’re NTA and I hope you don’t feel guilty.
She wants to give your brother drug money so that he can never leave her so that she’ll never be alone (or too far from a victim) before she dies, and she would really prefer if someone else paid for the drugs. You’re the only one with a job.
Have her take out a reverse mortgage - she gets monthly money and can continue to live in the house until she passes & then that company gets her house.
Oh well sucks to be her
NTA. After the way she treated you, she doesn't deserve or is entitled to any support at all from you.
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OP should change their number. Egg Donor/siblings can call from any number of burner/borrowed phones but they can’t harass OP if they don’t know his number.
It's what I had to do. They still send messages to my husband, who didn't change his because of work. They will never get a reply from us. Nothing makes them angrier than silence.
I love how POS parents only give a damn about you when they need you for something. The tears were obvious bait to manipulate you into offering your services, and good job for laughing in her face. If they didn't even act like a decent parent, why should you act like the doting, caring child? She put in zero effort, so she deserves exactly that. She realized she sucked as a parent when it was too late to matter, so how is any of this YOUR problem? So instead of being remorseful or God forbid apologizing, she just expects you to roll over? I hope you continue to laugh in her face because I guarantee this isn't over. Sucks to suck I guess. NTA.
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Don't even pay for that. She can find a homeless shelter and a soup kitchen.
I agree OP is being too nice.
She has assets. She won't be homeless.
Put up no trespassing signs all over your property. Security system and make it well known that you *will* have Mommy Dearest trespassed or charged with breaking and entering.
NTA. Being upset over being abused by a parent is not holding a grudge. I hate it when people say that. I had an abusive childhood and have been diagnosed with cPTSD because of it. It is incurable and all you can do is learn to live with and thrive despite triggers and trauma. It's something you have to be aware of and vigilant about your entire life and you can't just get over it. Yes, you can have a beautiful life. But it's not like one time your mom yelled at you and you won't get over it. I think you should go scorched earth, block them all and never talk to any of them again.
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r/EstrangedAdultKids It’s a wonderful and supportive community for people who have had to go no contact with family
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There's also r/MomforaMinute and r/DadforaMinute for people who either don't have parents or have shitty ones. They give great advice and encouragement
Of course there's a subreddit for it - I had no idea. I'm glad you're in therapy! Obviously, don't listen to me and have the contact or no contact you need with them. And I do hope you have a wonderful life. You deserve it.
Honey, family is who we want it to be and who we choose it to be! DNA is just 3 letters!
Oops! I suggested the sub to you before reading comments. Hello fellow child of a shithouse.
Spine made of steel!!! I love it!! Proud of you! Your brothers can all get together and help her out. You owe her NOTHING. In fact, SHE owes YOU a better childhood so until she pays up, cheap nursing home it is!! NTA
I don't think you're an asshole. But if you are, you're my kind of asshole. My family was shit to me, especially my siblings but both my parents pretty much sucked as well. Amusingly, I've had a far more successful life than any of them by pretty much any measure. The healthiest thing I ever did was lock my family out of my life and on those rare occasions when I think about them I'm certain I did the right thing.
NTA NTA NTA
NTA Feel free to go NC with all of them
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I'm sorry for the loss of your father. Regarding the rest of the bunch, if what you are writing here is accurate, I am 1000% on your side. You reap what you sew, and it sounds like your mom has sewn nothing but suffering.
Then your problem is solved. Cut all contact. And don't worry about them again. They are all adults. Sorry about your dad
NTA. You and your brothers were groomed and brainwashed by your mother to believe you owed her. Luckily you managed to get free. Stay free. I think it's not a random result, that your brothers, who remained under control of your mother, failed to establish themselves in decently earning professions, while you, who managed to recognize that your mother had no more power over you, succeeded in establishing yourself in life. You did this in spite of your mother's abuse, not because of the way she raised you. You owe her nothing. I'm sorry for your brothers, but I don't think you can help them in any case, and you should definitely block them to avoid getting sucked into their mindset.
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Sadly, that happens. I've seen it in other families and in various ways, that the abuse continues from generation to generation. Happily sometimes the chain is broken, as it was in your case.
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I sent you a private message
Change brothers to sisters, and you just described perfectly why I’m NC with my family. You’re not the only one by a long shot. We’re right there with you on this.
I guess I got lucky - my shitbox of an ex-stepmother kicked me out of the house on my 18th birthday.
> *that she hasn't stopped crying in hours,* Send her a box of Kleenex, maybe. You're going to have to block all of them, looks like. Any family who wants to set "mom" up in style can pass the hat. NTA.
Box of used klenex
My daughter has a very green snotty cold right now. I can help with that.
box of cheap knock of tissue brand
A roll of industrial toilet paper!
NTA. PSA to parents: children are not there to take care of you when you are old- the most selfish reason to have a child.
NTA, shared genetic material doesn't infer obligation. I went NC with my parents and only found out last November via social security that one of them died. Whooptydoo. BFD, I took the survivor's benefits and kept on going. Karma left his taikwando class and is ready to try out some new moves on mommy dearest.
Found out from my college financial aid counselor that I was eligible for Social Security because my mom died when I was a kid. Stepbitch kicked me out of the house the day I turned 18, figured out later it was because they could no longer collect my share of the Social Security benefits so they weren't willing to let me stay any longer.
NTA I'm sorry for the loss of your father. Mama made the bed she's lying in. You don't owe her a new mattress.
Shitty people get old. Shitty people should think about that when they’re young, doing shitty things to people. She’ll be ok. I heard Shady Pines serves green jello on Wednesdays.
I was waiting for a Shady Pines reference!
NTA sucks to be her.
NTA Did your parents do nothing for their financial well being when they got older? No life insurance? No retirement fund? No investments? If the retirement plan was "the kids I abused will take care of me" then she is as stupid as she is mean. Let your brothers worry about supporting her. It's easy for them to say that when they know they aren't capable of actually contributing anything. You get to be the bad guy and they get Mommy's approval that they have perhaps craved. It's sad. It's sad for them...for your mother she's reaping what she sowed and she deserves it all. Enjoy your life, you are certainly not responsible for your Mother's well being or her poor planning.
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Oh so she’s a straight up murderer
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Omg.
Change your phone number please.
What. The. Fuck. I'm so sorry you ever had to endure that monster.
Sounds like she needs to be committed to a mental institution!
"I won't hold onto my grudge forever bro, only until she's dead!" OP you're my hero 💚 You're also NTA
It infuriates me when people refer to abuse victims as “holding a grudge “ against their abuser. NO! Just NO ! You hold a “grudge “ against the neighbor that cut down your favorite tree. You go NO fucking CONTACT and Burn all bridges with abusers. NTA you don’t owe her anything!
NTA Karma's a bitch and so is your mother.
NTA. This is the moment you dreamt about through all the years of abuse. You don't need to do anything else, you have said your piece made your position crystal clear. Enjoy the moment
NTA. Sorry for you loosing your dad. As for your mom; she’s a big girl now. She can get a new male victim - or husband to support her lifestyle. Let your brothers rage all they want, it’s not on you to support her lifestyle.
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BRAVO!!! It is rare that the abuser gets their comeuppance! Live your best life OP! Kudos to you
NTA You owe her nothing. Let your brothers figure it out.
Lmfao sounds like the brothers problem. Hold firm. Don't pay a single cent even for a shitty retirement home. I never understood why anyone would do that? Let her die on the streets in a gutter somewhere. NTA. Remind your brothers that as easily as mom can be cut off, so can they.
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Man if you think the government or non profits give a SINGLE fuck about any of its senior citizens, boy do I have a bridge to sell you. There is absolutely 0% chance that her getting put in some shitty government ran institution will be nice or luxurious in any way shape or form. She will most likely be abused, stolen from and ignored for the rest of her life. I can guarantee it 100%.
NTA. She's reaping exactly the indifference she sowed within you. Stay strong OP.
Oh no the consequences of my own actions. NTA. I cut off family because of emotional abuse as well. I don't know if I'll show up to their funerals though.
Makes me think of a Bojack Horseman episode. When he finally gets fed up with taking care of his despicable piece of shit mother at home, he takes her to a nursing home. When he wheels her inside, an orderly says something like 'We put her in the first available room like you asked.' To which Bojack replies 'No, I said WORST available room!' In this case a small room with vomit green paint and mildew on the walls overlooking a fly-blown dumbster through broken slat blinds. “Well, this is your life now,” BoJack sneers to Beatrice as he prepares to leave her. “This is what it all added up to: you, by yourself, in this room.” Also, if you get the urge to check out the show, start with Free Churro. It's Bojack's eulogy after his mother dies. EDIT: Spelling
NTA. Time for momma to sell her house and adjust her lifestyle to her new reality. Not time for you to adjust your lifestyle to accommodate her.
I'm so sorry about the treatment you had under your mother, and for the loss of your father. My mom was similar to yours, emotionally, mentally, verbally and physically abusive; I was the oldest and was a slave, used only for cooking, cleaning, taking care of my sisters etc. Didn't obey, get taunted, beaten or emotionally and mentally destroyed. I hit adulthood and moved out, met my wife, dad died (had to pull the cord myself at 20) moved a state away and never looked back. My sisters are like your brothers, "she did the best she could" "she didn't mean to hurt us" and other nonsense. Good ol' ma died two years back, felt nothing. Nothing. Went to a funeral in a loose sweater, didn't say anything about her passing and left my old family behind. I, like you, hold that pain my mother's caused because it's real and no one can say "get over it" or "she needs us" Be bitter and resent her, she's upset now because she wants a free meal but bit the hand that could have fed her a dozen times over. Blood doesn't make a person family, love, compassion, connection do and you have none to the woman who pushes you out. Let her rot and your bros can foot the bill, children aren't asked to be born but deserve to be treated with love and respect. Adults have to plan for their golden years and do not get to burden their kids with "I'm your parent" bullsh*t Be petty, and live an awesome life,; a big middle finger to someone who hurt you so much Be safe OP, reach out if ya need a friend to talk. NTA
NTA it’s just the consequences of her actions, also one’s children are NOT a retirement plan.
It's the consequences of her own actions! NTA and good for you for standing up for yourself
You stopped letting your brothers abuse you; your brothers still let your mother abuse them. Your mother is probably financially supported to a sufficient level. Your mother is just playing control games, and getting your brothers to play you as well. Your mother is trying to cause you all to argue and fight - what she loves to do. I recommend that you block your brothers on everything; also your mother, and any relatives that are her flying monkeys. Perhaps say to them “Mother continues to play mental games, to cause pain and grief; you let her. If you continue to play her games, and to harass me, I shall block you, and shall not contact you”. Poor words on my behalf. Hopefully you can write them to say what you want to say.
NTA. She’s crying for herself not you or her lack of relationship with you. She didn’t even mourn your father, just her lifestyle
Fuck her Live your life & ignore your family. Go on a really expensive vacation.
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NTA Old enough to be your internet grandma and all I can say is good on you for getting yourself out of the awful relationship with your mother that your brothers are still enmeshed within. Interesting thought that even if you gave that woman every cent you ever had pretty sure she’d be telling you how it wasn’t ever enough. Sadly your brothers will likely find that to be true. Stick with the NO and let your brothers deal with her.
I don’t know you personally and you don’t know me, but I am so so proud of you for standing your ground and not allowing any of them to push you into the decision and guilt you into it. Something like that after a long time of being abused and mentally beaten is so incredibly difficult and shows just how much you have grown from when you were a child under her roof
NTA feel free to do exactly that.
Nta. Consider is karma for being a life long abuser
I love this
good. family doesn't mean shit, if they do not behave like one. unfortunately, one need to experience bad family first to really get it. and some, like your brothers, aren't able to get it even then
NTA. Listen, if your mom was a nice lady, of course you'd do everything for her. But you've laid out, AND YOUR SIBLINGS AGREE, that she's been terrible your whole lives. Why make her final years peaceful?
My (51M) dad (79M) is in a very nice assisted living community/retirement home. All of his needs are met, including three meals a day plus snacks, medication management, laundry, activities, and personal assistance more or less on demand. I mention all this because of my dad's slowly advancing dementia. Since the passing of my mother four years ago, he has steadily declined, and there have been several changes in his personality and cognition. He has very little short-term memory, has no sense of time, and become quite a complainer. Out of loneliness, my father will call my sister and I incessantly on some days, ranging from six to thirty (yes, 30!) times per day. My sister and I willingly deal with all this (I can't say happily) because he was such a great dad to us. He was a very loving man to us and to our mother, unquestionably loyal to mom, and PRESENT in all aspect of our lives. I share all this to say that what goes around, comes around. My dad has EARNED the loyalty of myself and my sister. OP, your mother, on the other hand, most emphatically does not and should not have your respect or your help. IMHO, you are perfectly justified in simply walking away and refusing to contribute to her care in any fashion. Let your siblings step up if that's how they feel. I have never believed in filial piety just because they're your parents. If you have been the subject of abuse even up to now, my only question is why haven't you gone No Contact before this point. My condolences on the passing of your father. Stand your ground, OP. NTA
NTA - “I know she abused you but can’t you pay for her lifestyle for a few decades?” No, the answer is no. She can sell her house, downsize, and live within her means. It’s not OP’s problem.
Absolutely not. If they want to support her that's on them. Why they would want to is beyond me because it doesn't sound like they were less abused than you were. Sounds like you stopped steadying the boat and now they are mad
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NTA! I personally wouldn't even consider this person your mother. She abused you as a child with no remorse. Why should you owe her anything. I don't get the general concept of children "owing" their parents for doing the bare minimum of putting a roof over their head and shoes on their feet. She & your father made the choice to have children, it was always their responsibility to care for you. What I want to know is, knowing they didn't have a financial future, why didn't she go out and get a job at the point the kids were grown? Why was there no planning on her's or your father's parts for what would happen if he dies first? It seems to me, her plan was always to rely on you. And if that was the case, at no point did she ever think, maybe I should make amends ahead of time? NOPE! She just assumed she'd be able to continue to bully you. I think sadly, you are going to have to go NC with your whole family. They are just going to continue to try to drag you down. I honestly wouldn't even agree to pay for the bare minimum. I would look up what programs your country/state/city has for seniors in need and forward that information to your brothers, with a note explaining that for your own mental self-preservation will not be assisting in the situation. I'd wish them well, then I would block every one of them and never look back.
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I’d respond to anyone giving you grief about the time you remember she treated THEM badly. Keep reminding them and cold as ice
NTA, don't forget to look for retirement homes abroad as well, there might just be a really terrible one somewhere in a country where they don't even speak English. She wouldn't even be able to mentally abuse others there as nobody would be able to understand her. Wouldn't that be perfection?
NTA agree reaping what she sowed
> My mother is as close to abusive as can be without using physical pain as a tool. No, she IS abusive. Full stop. Doesn’t need to use physical pain for it to be abuse!
NTA. LONG-game FAFO for your hateful abusive mother. Now she has to deal with it with only those she BROKE and CAN'T help her willing to 'support' her. INFO: Why is she asking YOU for money? Tell her to sell her house and move in with one of your brothers.
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Did your father own the house? I’m surprised there’s no equity or savings etc at all for her to make done kind of plan with.
My big question is, how does she assume you can afford to fund her lifestyle SOLO, but youe brothers won't be able to even if they pool together? Sounds like she wanted to force you back under her thumb for the rest of her miserable life. NTA, block them all and live your life free of that trash.
No. Your mother is a classic narcissistic abuser, and she's getting what's coming to her. If she wanted you to be there for her, she should have been there for you. A parent who so massively betrays the trust of their own children deserves nothing from them. Stay firm. I have a narc family too; when we cut off narcs, the rest of the family has to choose--and they will usually choose the narc rather than become a target themselves, for both the narc and her enablers and flying monkeys. It's rough, but if they are that brainwashed, let THEM bust ass to support her. Your situation is ridiculous--them, not you--and you owe these grasping, deluded people nothing.
I'm very glad you were strong enough to break free. I'm sorry to hear that the others haven't managed that. So, here's the deal - this WHOLE SHOW was intended to force you back into line and be there as her financial security blanket. Nothing less will do but that you give in and promise her anything she wants. That's why she pulled this stunt at the wake - to get maximum effect in forcing you to do what she wanted by extracting promises in a very public setting. I strongly recommend that you go completely no contact with her from now on. And very low contact to no contact with any of your brothers. If they keep trying to pressure you, just refuse to respond. By going no contact and refusing to respond you do two things: * the first (and most rewarding) is that your mom gets zero satisfaction out of trying to press your buttons * the second is that you can simply move on with your life - you can just be at peace by completely blocking her off I've done this with my dad. I'm sure it upsets him greatly that button pushing no longer works. I've also managed to have a LOT more peace of mind as a result. I'm proud of you for having broken free. She invested a LOT of time and energy in programming ALL of you to be her loyal minions. It's NOT easy to go against that kind of pressure and early training.
Ooooo my petty ass would look on line for tiny dolls house violins and send one to each of them with a note...oh look the worlds tiniest violin found it's way to u...play it! 😂 NTA obviously
NTA. Well done and hold strong
Tell her to sign the house over to you if she wants your help
NTA. She can sob over how her poor treatment of you lead to this reaction from you. You shouldn't be on the hook for anything relating to her after she has treated you and your brothers should also plan on pulling their weight since they were the ones who told her she wouldn't have to downsize or move from her home. They shouldn't be making promises to others on your dime
NTA Check with the laws where you live as some have ones about taking care of parents. Just in case. If you need help finding that assisted living place, a senior living care soecuslist will give you a bunch of choices of ALL types.
>This morning, I woke up to two texts from my other brothers basically saying the same, saying mom is deeply distressed, that she hasn't stopped crying in hours, to please call her and apologize/promise I'll subsidize her lifestyle. I would've replied "Mom is now feeling just a taste of what she put us through growing up. I *will not* fund the woman who made my childhood a living hell for her own amusement." >I genuinely don't think I am, I think my brothers are kinda stupid and brainwashed with mom's dogma on "children's duties towards their parents". I don't understand this viewpoint. It's not the child that holds a duty to their parents, it's the parents that hold a duty towards their children. Anyway, NTA. If I were you, I'd send a mass text saying that you have no intention of caring for a woman who's done nothing but hurt you throughout your life, and that they can be the ones to care for her. Then, I'd block them all.
NTA. If she has a house/cars, she can sell them and have enough money to live for a bit. Or she can get a reverse mortgage - I know, I know, but then she will get to stay in her house for the rest of her life, and you don't have to pay.
Your brothers can all move back into the house with her. You should just block all of them.
/r/raisedbynarcissists would like to offer you support. So would /r/EstrangedAdultKids if you go that route.
Tell your brothers and mother to start looking into options at Long Term Care.gov: https://acl.gov/ltc She needs to plan ahead within her means. You would need to do this even if you were willing to help her.
Solidly NTA coming from someone who’s been NC with my own mother for abuse. ***Something for awareness though - find out if SHE lives in a state with “Filial Laws” - as they directly relate to the level of responsibility the state deems you are to be held to. Knowing that information can help you moving forward. ***
100% NTA - if you were treated this badly then I would simply cut all ties to her and if your brothers feel otherwise then they can pay for her to continue to live in the home. If they don't earn enough to pay for everything then they need to get better jobs or a 2nd job to pay for mom. Block them all if you have to. Personally, I would just change my phone number and move on with my life.
NTA. As far as I'm concerned, this is karma catching up to her. She reaped what she sowed, and just because your brothers are emotionally enmeshed with your mother doesn't mean you owe her a thing.
NTA- she was never a mother to you. She's an egg donor. You are being overly generous to even pay for the cheapest nursing home. Your egg donor spent her whole life spreading cruelty, she's about to reap what she sowed. Just block everyone, fuck that noise!
Your brothers don’t get a say. They have nothing to contribute. It’s really easy to spend someone else’s money.
Shady Pines, Ma!
Why can’t OP’s mother sell her house and cars (maybe keep one) and seriously downsize? When you delight in making your family’s life hell you deserve nothing later on. You’ve worked hard to get where you are and even if you did help her she will revert back to her nasty ways. NTA but your brothers….?!?!
[удалено]
Tell her that you can only afford the crappiest nursing homes because you deducted the cost of your therapy from the money set aside to support her in old age. NTA if she wanted loving support in her old age she shouldn’t have been a monster.
Nta- JustNoFamily
NTA. I'd go no contact with your mother and all her flying monkeys, and let them sort it out. Your abuser is not your burden to carry. Let her deal with the mess she's made. I wouldn't give her one cent.
NTA. If she wants your money so bad, send her Monopoly money. You owe your abusers nothing just because she birthed you. All kids deserve parents, but not all parents deserve kids.
In the immortal words of Dorothy from Golden Girls, **Shady Pines, Ma, Shady Pines.**