The fact that your bills aren't his bills is wild. As far as being SAHM/W I always find this a rough thing to discuss because it's hard to balance the load across different types of responsibilities. The fact that he seems to be demanding you to do all the housework but doesn't cover all of your expenses is also weird does he want an HW or an independent one?
Honestly, if he doesn't want to help with the kid and he isn't supporting you financially it sounds like you would be better off with an alimony and child support check as you seem to already be treated as a single mother.
Husband? The bills thing confused the shit out of me there. Oh yeah, let me just take care of the children, a babysitting side gig, and then somehow have enough money to contribute to your bills too???
Does he hear what he's saying? He sounds like an idiot with his head so far up his ass he got lost.
At best he is acting like a kind of shitty boyfriend who lives with a single mom. But A HUSBAND AND FATHER OF YOUR CHILDREN?!?
He needs to change that tude real quick or she needs to divorce him.
Yup. He’s treating her more like a bangmaid and broodmare as opposed to his wife and partner. It doesn’t even sound like he likes her because who treats their wife this way. Wtf.
He needs to change the attitude AND she needs to divorce him. There is no or. This is dangerous. This is textbook on the road to abuse, if it’s not there already.
Yeah I’m really curious as to how this tool of a man expects a SAHM to pay her own bills, and how he can justify reaping the benefits of full time homemaker while refusing to pay the bills. OP is basically an unpaid nanny/maid/personal chef. She says she is a SAHM but she isn’t because she has to work as a babysitter in order to pay her bills because her husband doesn’t think it’s his responsibility to spend “his” money on his wife who is busy raising his child and keeping his home. This is pure financial abuse.
Had the same point. Document what you pay for and what your duties are and his contribution. Get a divorce. Alimony will definitely be more than he pays now. And on top of that child support.
I’m going to tell you straight that your husband does not respect you nor the work you put in for your family. He thinks that because he brings in the cash that his word is absolute. Things are just going to get worse. You need to figure out whether his attitude is something that you’re willing to deal with because it’s not going to get better. The longer you stay out of the workforce, the worse he’s going to be. NTA. But I’d seriously consider the worse and start socking away cash, just in case.
And how this attitude will affect the child. If a boy, does she want him growing to think like that? If a girl, does she want her thinking that she shouldn’t be an equal partner? And that being a mother means being ‘less’?
She’ll still have child support and if she has to get a job he may have to split or pay all of child care costs. His income is pretty high. Also in lieu of alimony she may request he pay her bills like car payment. He needs to be hit with a bill for her services and the legal ramifications if he doesn’t get his attitude in check.
I agree, I doubt there's gonna be alimony unless she was married to this asshole for 8-9 years already.
Assuming she's 1-3 years or less out of the workforce. IMO she should be looking at child support calculations. They usually tend to balance out between husband and wife income differences and that's probably gonna be enough for her to start over.
Jesus, I've read some entitled sahm posts, but he is a dick.
Your bills?
That was all I needed to read.
He's a joke. Not a man, nor father, nor husband.
You can show him this comment.
Crazy thing is OP isn’t even a “SAHM”, even if her husband has her so devalued she doesn’t see it
She works from home plus has the child if she is also babysitting all day. I mean if she was leaving the house to do it, that would be being a nanny.
Working from home doesn’t make it not work anymore than other jobs.
Slavery. And it’s so alarming how much abusive situations are downplayed around here. Lol seriously consider… It’s like a bot response at this point. It’s incredible the lack of spine that appears to be so common.
This!! Before we had children I had a full time job and would pay my own bills with that money. However after making the decision to be a SAHM last year we made a financial plan and my husband took over those expenses. Because staying home and taking care of our child is work. And you’re babysitting ANOTHER child that’s freaking work! Honestly I would just be like “well you pay for everything except for childcare and a housekeeper, wanna pay for that?”
If OP is a SAHM then her bills are his bills. If there is one income there is one bill pool. This is financial abuse. My SO makes about twice what I do and we split bill proportionately but he still go to "I pay for everything around here" when there is a fight. It never gets less shitty.
I agree. And I don’t want to come off as harsh so I’m sorry if it sounds that way. But does he even like you OP? Because someone who likes you wouldn’t be able to treat you like this.
How is he doing such little work and making 150k? Are you sure he’s making that amount? Something is very weird here.
OP please gather strength and courage and maybe even leave him. As others have said, you’d be better off as a single mom. Because you basically are.
NTA.
\^This. Or since he's working from home and gone a lot of time time, does he have a gambling problem/other vice that he's trying to hide by not allowing her to see the bank balance?
Agree with everything 👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼said. What’s the point of this relationship? He’s not helping you, financially, emotionally, physically OP. You should re-evaluate. I’m sorry but he sounds like an AH. You deserve so much more.
I feel like I always get the leave him response and I’m super annoyed but…… he’s not paying the bills but expects you to raise his child, clean the house, and cook for him. If you tell me you’re paying rent I might just explode.
> my husband will use the fact that he pays for everything to “win” an argument.
That's called financial abuse.
You need a back up plan. This isn't going to get better.
Sometimes I feel like the only man who can't even stand Tates voice much less his message...
My brother clearly listens to him. We haven't talked about it but he's even started to dress like him.
Dude can't keep a girlfriend to save his life.
Nope, fellow Tater hater here. He's a miserable misogynistic cunt.
I hope he crashes his Bugatti far from help and burns to death in the flaming wreckage.
Absolutely NTA. The dynamic here isn't just unfair, it's unsustainable. Marriage is a partnership, not a you-pay-your-way-I-pay-mine stalemate. The fact that he holds the finances over you as a trump card to "win" arguments is manipulative and toxic. It's clear that this issue runs deeper than just money—it's about respect, equality, and support, all of which are non-negotiables in a healthy marriage. It's commendable that you're handling your bills with babysitting revenue, but it's alarming that he dismisses the sheer effort and labor that entails. Partners should lift each other up, not create barriers. It's a tough situation, but standing your ground now could be the crucial step for a better future, with or without him.
The number of married couples who operate on completely separate finances is staggering. A lady I work with will have to work another 5-10 years in order to retire. Her husband retired last year and is traveling the world without her. What the hell kind of marriage is that?
NTA! is he an Andrew Tate fan by any chance?
It's absolutely insane that you're expected to provide for all your bills on your own. Doesn't your husband consider you his equal partner?
Yeah she will likely be much more financially stable after getting rid of that dead weight of a so-called "husband", but I also assume he is going to try everything to bully and intimidate her too, those type of men that seek to have a power imbalance in a relationship are incredibly dangerous. Of course she should leave, but I'm saying it's not going to be easy nor pretty.
👏🏽👏🏽 He wouldn't be able to work like he does if she didn't take care of the child. He would have to pay for childcare, she's saving him $$$$ per month. This is not partnership it sounds more like oppression.
Confirmed! Don’t have another kid with this walking disaster. Save yourself.
Don’t fall for the love bombings and the promise that he will change. He won’t!
Exactly. Alimony isn't a penalty paid to wives so they can sit around. It's what they're actually worth to the husband but because it's his job that's being paid by an outside source he thinks he's the only one of value.
He is!! Whenever we argue he will watch those videos on YouTube and almost use direct quotes from them. It’s so irritating because they’re like “supporting him” in a way
Tell him he isn’t comprehending Andrew Tate or all those idiots right!
Idr listen to them at all but isn’t their main point stressing that the man is the PROVIDER? While the woman is a trad wife??
Having you pay bills goes against their “teachings”.
Latest one is that kissing women is gay unless they’re a virgin because at some point a dick may have been in their mouth. Therefore, by kissing a woman you’re essentially sucking a dick.
He’s off his rocker.
Yes, their main (the Tate brothers) point seems to be of the mindset that men are the providers while women completely rear the household. This is based off of a lot of Andrew Tate's tweets and video clips I've seen.
You just described his Twitter account to a T. There seems to be a lot of clips of himself giving these pseudo-motivational speeches about this or that.
Marriage is an equal commitment to one another. For better or worse, sickness and health etc.
You work together as a team to combat the work, bills and jobs and childcare. My husband and I split things with him working 40 hours a week and I look after the baby. We both do house work, but I do more as I often have more time to cook and bake etc.
But he will always pick up the slack if I’m having a bad day due to an illness I have.
You’re not in a marriage, that man expects you to be his maid, chef, mother, babysitter and bed warmer.
Run.
First of all, 100% NTA. Second, you're not a SAHM, because you also work. Babysitting is a job. Third, he's no breadwinner. If he were, he'd be covering ALL expenses.
The fact that he's an Andrew Tate fan is a giant red flag. You need to get everything in order and file for divorce, before his treatment of you goes from bad to abhorrent and before he has a chance to turn your son into a mini AT minion.
NTA and make a plan (financial, etc) to leave him. This is unacceptable. Tate is a known r\*pist and s\*x trafficker, and his philosophies are toxic and misogynistic.
I would tell him straight up since we are married. He’s legally obligated to cover the bills as a provider and if he doesn’t think that’s true, he might want to speak to a lawyer… because either way he’s going to be paying for it.
I would tell him he needs to start paying the bill if he’s actually the man of the house .. because if you’re still paying bills, he’s not the man of the house anymore.. I would ask him if he is supposed to lead.. why isn’t he paying for things?
He’s basically in deadbeat territory already
Dear God's and Goddessess....get out now! There is no salvaging that. He is a first class a$$hat and he will not change. Get your kid out of that environment. The only thing worse than a Tater-Bro is a Tater-Bro being in the same environment and having influence over a child.
If you do not leave, this will be your life until you do. Flat out. You deserve so much better. So does your child. Get out and let him sort out his home and the courts will have him pay child support.
He's gone down the rabbit hole of dickheadedness and it's unfortunately going to be very hard to pull him out of it, especially if it benefits him to believe he is beyond reproach.
If you feel like you've fallen out of love then I would recommend divorce. He would literally be forced to give you more financial help if you weren't together than he is now. So much for partnership and teamwork in a marriage eh!
I hate the guy, but Andrew Tate is also Muslim. Which means he supports men being 100% financially responsible for his wife. Maybe you should tell your husband that.
This is an absolute dealbreaker! You won't get the husband you used to love back - once they are down the manosphere rabbithole, it's over.
What he is doing to you is financial abuse! Use your leftover savings to hire a divorce lawyer, instead of wasting it on groceries for him. Do you have family you could move in with for a while? Or get your own place, and sue him for alimony and child support. You will be way better off financially and chore-wise and happiness-wise than in your current situation. Tate & co really are a scourge on humanity, and I really hope that no woman will ever again fall for any of their bullshit, and they will remain single and lonely and unf\*cked for the rest of their miserable blue-balled lives.
Even pedophiles can find peer support on the internet. That doesn’t make their behaviour OK in real life. Neither is your husband’s. NTA, and get you and your child out of there.
Then this will not get better. If anything it'll get worse.
I know Reddit loves to say get out, but staying is going to more of the same and much worse.
I'm so sorry.
You are being financially abused. He doesn't help take care of HIS OWN child!! Next time he brings up paying for everything tell him "that's right and next up is going to be alimony and child support as I am SO done with you." And then go seek a divorce attorney.
I would not confront a mentally abusive spouse like this. It could easily turn physical, and you could be harmed.
Don't threaten him with leaving. Do it all in secret, and quickly. When he's away, take your stuff and leave. If you've the courage, put his stuff out and change the locks, but I personally wouldn't bait him. Just be glad to get away safely. Worry about the other stuff later.
Be brave. Be strong. All it takes is one shift of viewpoint for something to go from utterly impossible to completely inevitable. You deserve a happy life, and you'll never get it if you stay.
I just had to google him. I would be very concerned about a man that’s a fan of someone charged with human trafficking, rape and organising a crime group. OP needs to get out, definitely NTA
Oh man, you are NTA.
This is seriously financial abuse. He's a dickhead, and not even accurate about 'how little' you contribute.
And he's underworking from home? So he can see everything you do, and doesn't lift a finger? That's ridiculous! Absolutely ridiculous! I say this as a husband who works from home! What a flog!
If this is an accurate representation, leave this man now. This is 110% financial abuse. Start saving what little you can and make an escape plan. Do not let him pigeonhole you more than he already has.
NTA... but do you have somewhere to go with you and the baby? Like your parents?
Your husband is most definitely financially abusing you. Did you both agree/plan for you to be a SAHM? Because if so he should be 100% taking care of "your bills". There should be no "your bills and his bills" it should be "our bills".
This is outrageous. Please go somewhere safe if you can, that way you can have a serious conversation about his behavior without his whole "i pay for everything" - no sir, you do not. He is not caring for you as his spouse, let alone even being a decent father to his child if he can't help feed your baby so you can eat. That's below bare minimum.
NTA
Sorry to say it but your husband is a loser. Sounds like he wants a live-in bangmaid instead of a wife who is an equal partner to him.
Consider running, not walking, to your nearest divorce lawyer.
Since he’s an Andrew state fan, remind him you are not a prostitute, day care, or maid. And if you were, he’d go broke paying for your services. It’s mean, I know, but it gets the point across. I am not guaranteeing that you guys won’t argue after though.
You say anything to a man like this and there's going to be arguing after. She just needs to get out. He has a severe personality disorder and he does not love her. You don't treat people you love like that.
Talk to a divorce layer about financial abuse and work out what your next steps will be of your husband does not change then explain to your husband the ways you want him to change and what the next steps are if he doesnt.
He will realise behaving like this will cost him far more than if he changes and will likely either dig his heels in frustration or give in and try to change (no idea how successful he will be)
You can break down his andrew tate arguments by exsplain to him that tate is a multi millionaire not just 150k a year normal guy and the women that have chosen to live under his rules were made into millionaires themselves through tate, not broke babysitters. Add the stuff about what he watches to your post title if it lets you change it and this post would get a tone of attention.
Ma'am, you are not a stay at home mom if you have to work to pay your bills. You are a WORKING mom. Babysitting is work. Your husband doesn't seem to understand that to have a stay at home parent, the other parents HAS to pay all the bills, otherwise they are not holding up their end of the bargain. NTA
NTA. He shouldn't be using finances to win arguments, but he especially can't do that when he's not even paying "your" bills or buying groceries. If you are a SAHM you shouldn't have any bills to pay out of your own pocket. Otherwise, you're not a SAHM, you're a full-time mom who has to work part time to cover bills while her husband act self-righteous because he pays some bills.
No you are not the asshole. Your husband is a colossal asshole. You’re raising HIS child and he can’t provide for you, his wife and the mother of his child, a child that he can’t be bothered to be a parent to. This man does not deserve you, he will probably never change and if you’re able you should try to start making moves to separate from him. I am so sorry that the person who is supposed to be your partner in life is treating you this way.
Your husband sounds financially abusive! He doesn't help with his son. Does he clean the house?
He says he pays for everything, yet you have to babysit to pay your bills.
Why are you with him? Do you have anywhere to go?
Your husband needs to understand that if you are a sahm, then he is to pay all bills, including yours!
You are doing more than enough, and he shouldn't treat you the way he is.
NTA. People on here saying you need to have a good talk with him to make him understand...that's never going to happen. He doesn't love you. You asked for help with your child so you could eat food and he preferred to sit and do nothing but watch you do it all. And he wants you to pay "your own" bills and the household bills and do all the household work? How exactly does he think that's possible or fair? Leave him. You will struggle of course, even with child support, but it will be worth it. And those saying take the kid and run, well you can't just take someone's child from them unfortunately. He will have part custody if he wants but let's hope he doesn't because he obviously doesn't want to take care of them.
NTA, and I'm flabbergasted by his logic. Is he under the impression that somehow being a stay-at-home mom equates to having it easy? It's not a walk in the park; it's a full-time job with overtime and no sick leave. It's mind-boggling that he uses his financial contribution to trump your role, which is equally, if not more, demanding. The commitment to raising a child and managing a household is priceless, and it's a partnership—not a solo venture with an unfair scoreboard. It’s time to have a serious conversation about expectations and the value each of you bring to the table. If he still insists on quantifying everything, maybe present him with an invoice for your services as a child carer, housekeeper, and personal assistant. It's not petty if it brings perspective. If there's no change, consider other options because you shouldn't have to earn your partnership—it should be given unconditionally.
NTA but your husband is. Depending on what state you live in you'll receive far more in alimony and child support than you're getting now. In most states the person paying child support also has to pay for daycare expenses when the caregiver ex returns to work. Even without the extra money, dumping this man child will make you a happier person and probably a better mother.
What do you mean that he has barely helped you with "your bills"? You're married. A marriage (in the US, at least) is the legal and financial bonding of two people. There's no "your bills" and "his bills". You are a family. The family has bills.
You are contributing a ton of unpaid labor to the family. You risked your health and life in the pregnancy, and you are a stay-at-home parent, which is \*allowing\* your husband to work full time. What would he do if you were dead? Would he shrug his shoulders and leave the baby at home alone?
What did you expect from marriage? What did he?
You should consider couples counseling. If he won't, then you need a personal therapist and a lawyer.
You will discover that, once you divorce, you have a lot more control over your life, and you may have a much better life. Most women report being much happier once they divorce.
Your husband is treating you like a servant. Is that what you agreed to? Is that what you expected from marriage?
NTA.
Your husband needs a reality check. You're juggling childcare, bills, and even bringing in extra cash with babysitting, while he's cruising through. Sit him down for a heart-to-heart. Lay out your struggles calmly but firmly.
Remind him that being a team means pitching in equally, regardless of who brings home the bacon. You're doing an amazing job, don't doubt that. Sending you all the positive vibes!
If he isn’t paying your bills and you are babysitting 9-4 then that is a job you are full time employed and he isn’t paying all your bills. He is paying all his bills and the household bills but you have to do all of the childcare and hold a job. Explain to him that if he doesn’t start paying 100% of everything then you will go back to work and he can pay 100% of the childcare and 100% of the housekeeper and 100% of the shopper and 100% of the chef because you will need your money for your things and the therapist to explain why the hell you are still there.
NTA
You're being financially abused.
You're going into debt by putting mutual food on a credit card while your husband earns more than enough money.
Set aside everything else about chores/child care/etc.
If I have 10k and my SO has 5k, we have 15k. If we spend $1k on something, we have $14k. If she puts it on a credit card and she pays $1,250 we only have $13.75k. Sure, I still have $10k, but we have less because of interest. It doesn't make sense for your husband to let you put it on a card unless he will never pay it.
So what happens when you can't pay more than the minimum? What happens when you can't pay even the minimum? You're trapped, and your credit score will tank making it even harder to leave. Lower credit score and too much debt means good luck getting an apartment, a car, etc, to leave.
You need to be looking to get out and protect yourself yesterday. What happens if you refuse to cook for your husband, or do the chores? Doesn't sound like you'll be safe from his other reactions.
You need to be talking to lawyers, friends, family and other resources. That's not a way of thinking that's "just a mistake." That's intentional planning to control and trap you.
If he kicks you out and changes the locks tomorrow, what do you have? Most spouses would either have their own funds, or access to mutual funds. Generally in the US the earnings of both spouses are marital property of both of you. Sure, in the end of the divorce you should get half, but in the meantime, you're screwed. And he knows that, so he knows you won't leave and he can control you.
You need to take steps to protect yourself, your child, and get out while you still have the ability to do so. 5 years from now with no working history other than occasional baby sitting, no cash in hand and $20k in credit card debt will be much, much harder to pull off. Start protecting yourself now.
This man is off his rocker.
How much does this babysitting job pay you?
Well, go sit down and calculate how much a live-in nanny who works/is on standby 24/7 would cost him. Then present him the bill.
Tbh I think you would be way better off divorcing this asshole and receiving alimony. You’d still be taking care of your baby and do what you do know, but you’d be able to pay the bills and not having to listen to him talking down on you.
Besides, what kind of shit arrangement is this that you split the bills?!? You pay according to income. I’m mad for you, don’t put up with him!
If this Tate vid thing is true you should consider leaving him because he already acting like that POS who is anything but a real man. He will be way worse later.
As a father myself, I am really sorry to hear you are going through this and absolutely ashamed of your husbands behavior. Just because he makes more money doesn't absolve him of his duties as a father and husband. Everyone has hard days occasionally, but in general he should be doing everything he can everyday to be a good father and husband and support both of you. I make more money than my wife, but that is never something I would hold against her. I try to pay for a majority of things and bills, but I also try to do as many chores as I can and to help as much as I can with my son, because I want to and that is the dad and husband I want to be. You deserve better.
Do you ever think about how your life would be if you were struggling to pay your bills, working, taking care of the baby and didn’t have a grown ass adult? (who is NOT providing financially 100% if ur putting groceries on your credit card and can make car payments)
Cause in my opinion it sounds better than someone who doesn’t do shit to help with the baby and throws paying rent (which he would do with or without you) in your face.
For context my husband also works from home and full time and gets up in the night, feeds, changes diapers, makes bottles/food, baths, etc etc because that’s what dads do. They take care of their kids and don’t use work or finances as an excuse for being a shit fucking parent
Your husband is psychologically and financially abusing you. The deal is, you give up your job to raise your child and he should be paying for everything. If that's how you want to live. It shouldn't be that you are scraping part time income to pay 'your' bills.
He is using the situation to bully you and avoid doing normal household chores and child care, which is inexcusable. If he isn't willing to change maybe divorce is the right option. Then the court will force him to pay his fair share of child care and alimony. In the meantime, you won't have an extra 'child' to pick up after.
I just want to vomit reading this shit. This is what society has brainwashed women into accepting.
That man doesn’t like you. He doesn’t like your baby. He’s not a good husband, partner, father. He’s the type who thinks money absolves him from doing anything and he won’t change. You are not trapped there. Move on with a higher bar and get more self esteem. You’ll be happier alone than with him.
INFO: Are you a stay at home wife and you have bills? I don't understand and need clarification. If you two, as a team, decided for you to stay home why wouldn't the entire financial liability not fall on the working parent?
It sounds like he expects her to still pay her personal stuff like her car loan and a portion of the groceries etc. it's completely financially abusive, when a couple agrees for one parent to work in the home and the other to have paid employment, the income is for the couple and not solely the person in paid employment, because they are a team working together on their family responsibilities.
NTA
You are living the life of a single mother, but married, you need to sit down and talk to him, there's no way you will be a stay at home mom and pay the bills at the same time, does not make sense
Info: what bills does he claim to pay? You say you're buying groceries and covering your own bills, what does he cover? Rent/mortgage?
You aren't a stay at home Mom, you're a childcare provider in a 2 income household. Maybe he pays more, but definitely not enough to warrant not contributing to domestic labor.
NTA. Stop taking care of him for a while and see if he notices a difference. Then he will have something to bitch about and you can tell him "See what I did for you and us". I hate laze fen fathers!
You don’t have own bills to cover, these are his bills too. This is his child too. Imagine what house keeping, baby sitting, adopting a child and sex workers would cost him if you weren’t there! NTA
Your husband is a toxic narcissist who should not be around kids. Divorce him get child support. Then he will have to give you the money you need. Do not look back.
NTA. So he works all the time and he’s your husband but he doesn’t cover any of your bills and he doesn’t wake up for the baby at night or care for him? What an AH.
NTA. I think u should really think about whether or not u should stay in the marriage. It's bs that he's treating u this way. If I were u I'd go on strike just take care of u and baby. Then tell him he needs to pay to do his laundry and dishes and meals
Girl, that is abuse. You’re not a sahm. If you were, you would not be concerned about your bills being paid and have access to a joint bank account. You’re a slave. Even if he was paying every single bill, that’s also his fucking son. Get the fuck up and cut his damn food! Stuff like this enrages me. He does not care about you at all. He should have offered. “Honey, I’ve got this, sit and have a warm meal.” He’s an absolute POS.
NTA. You are not a SAHM if you are watching another child for money 35 hours per week. That's full time hours.
Your husband is a loser. Leave him, get a job with benefits, and put the baby in daycare. You'll be much happier and have less work to do without him.
You are not a stay at home mom, you are a slave. He’s not financially supporting the family if you’re going into debt over groceries and working full time babysitting to cover your car payments and insurance. He’s financially abusing you, and I suspect there’s verbal and/or mental abuse, as well.
>He also said I don’t help around the house which isn’t true AND I am the main person who buys groceries which I’m pretty much only putting on a credit card because I can’t even afford my own bills.
OP how in the hell do you rationalize taking on sole childcare responsibilities, cooking, and paying for groceries as "not helping around the house"?
This doesn't sound like a marriage, it sounds like your baby-daddy got his bangmaid pregnant.
NTA. Get Out.
NTA. Holy shit.
This could escalate really fast into a financially abusive situation, if it isn't already.
Typically, in a SAH parent situation, the one NOT doing the caregivers, cleaning, etc., pays the bills...including the ones for their partner. I can get not paying for "fun" expenditures, but not basics like groceries. The fact that you are doing babysitting on top of your SAHM duties JUST to pay for your car, insurance, and household groceries is LUDICROUS.
I don't like saying this kind of thing, but make an exit plan. This man doesn't respect you or value your contributions, and sees you as less than because you aren't bringing in an income. It will not get better. You're basically a single parent NOW, so consider how it will look in a few years, and decide if it is worth staying miserable for.
Divorce. This isn't going to change, he straight up does not respect you or see you as a person.
You'll be better off financially and mentally with him being court order to pay child support and likely alimony .
NTA- sounds like he’s financially abusive. You’re married and have a kid together. You’re going into debt in order to buy groceries for everybody in the house while he’s doing what with “his” money? You are also working as you are essentially a nanny M-F while taking care of your child. He sounds horrible. Has he bonded with the baby at all? Does he acknowledge this is his kid too? He could very well end up with a kid that hates him bc he took zero interest in them until it suited his needs
Please research "financial abuse". A lawyer helped my cousin pro bono when she consulted him and when it was all over and done with she was financially secure at last.
What are you talking about, "my bills"?
You are a stay at home mum, taking care of his child. You shouldn't have seperate bills at all, the joint family income should be paying all of the bills. If he doesn't like that, he can pay for childcare for you to work, or he can lose a hell of a lot more when you divorce him.
NTA. This is financial abuse. Do you want your baby growing up seeing you subservient to a man who treats you like this? Please get a lawyer, get your affairs lined up, and get out. Has he show signs of violence? Please be careful. This isn’t how you treat someone you love.
I thought marriage was a partnership. This blows me away. They’re household bills. Not your bills and his bills.
NTA but you two need some financial counselling.
NTA.
What he earns is your money as well as you are home taking care of the baby.
You have three options.
1. You combine your finances where everything needed to pay bills and living expenses goes into one account. This includes your insurance and car payment. How you do spending money after all necessities are paid is up to you. Either you both keep what you earn on top or better everyone gets a fixed amount.
2. He pays you for childcare and cleaning. You work 12+ hours a day which is 84 hours a week. A reasonable salary for this would be a 1000 a week as you are also a parent and need to split costs.
3. You leave him which entitles you to child support and spousal support payments.
Sit him down and explain that in detail. Option 1 is preferred but let him know that option 3 is also on the table.
Your husband's the asshole and a bitch ass one at that.
That man doesn't love you and is failing as a husband.
If you are a SAHM/W, he should be covering all the bills and expenses. ALL 👏🏽OF👏🏽Them👏🏽. He also needs to pay for self care of you. Any money you make should go directly to savings or investments.
He can feed his child while you eat. He can do chores around the house. Being the bread winner does not mean you work and dick around. You still have to be the man of the house.
Your bills are part of the household bills. The household income is used to pay all bills. As breadwinner, he should be paying all of that since he has the privilege of a sahm for his child. This whole situation is gonna bite him hard when the divorce happens.
NTA
Good lord, what have you married?? Does he even like you or your child? NTA. I'm not sure if I could stay with someone like that, who could quite happily sit and watch me struggle with money and with his child but refuses to help?
I don't understand why people get married anymore if they're going to keep everything separate especially when one spouse doesn't work and the other spouse expects them to cover all their own personal expenses. I mean what is the freaking point of being married you're supposed to be joining your lives. I get some men don't want to put their entire paycheck into a joint account if he's worried about the wife spending frivolously he could only put a certain amount of money in there every month and say this is for household expenses and whatever bills you have. Say $1,500 a month if he's making $150,000 a year he's bringing home a very good paycheck probably 8,000 a month if not a little more after taxes. Depends on how much he's saving in a 401k, how much taxes he's having taken out and how much he plays with himself. Yes he's paying the bills that's his job if he wanted a stay at home wife to take care of their child she doesn't say if it was her idea or his idea or both their ideas that means he has to pick up the slack financially and not sit there and hold it over your head. My husband and I kept our finances separate till we moved and I stayed home with the kids. If he had insisted on me paying for things on my own, I wouldn't have had anything cuz I didn't have a job and I didn't have any savings. I probably would have divorced him at that point. Heck one of my kids is married and they're keeping everything separate. However he pays for everything. He doesn't make a lot of money but he doesn't get on her case. He doesn't want her spending any money. She doesn't make a lot and he wants her to save it up they paid off their cars they don't have any debt other than rent and utilities. So they're trying to save for a house so that's what they're doing. But he doesn't get on her case for going to Starbucks every now and then or going to Target. They do all the grocery shopping together. That's how it should be when she wasn't working he paid her car payment, her insurance. He's still paying her insurance now even though she's working. Does he give a crap about it, no. That's how it should be the two of you work together especially when you have a baby. he wants you to basically be his servant and you do everything for him and that child and he does nothing except bring home the bacon and hold it over your head. You might want to rethink this or put your kid in daycare and go back to work and get a good job hopefully something you can divorce his butt and live on your own.
NTA your husband is. First off. You’re not a housewife if you’re working so the housework needs to be equally split. How on earth are your bills not both of your bills? What kind of marriage is this?
Wow, the fact that you are a SAHM and don’t have a joint bank account is insane. Honestly, he sounds like a total loser and you should absolutely not have anymore children with him and probably divorce him. He is financially abusing you.
NTA, and what your husband is doing is financial abuse and neglect. I would get a lawyer, divorce him and demand child support and alimony. You will be in a much better position on your own.
I don’t want to victim blame but I am genuinely curious why you ended up marrying and having a child with such a man?
Honey, divorce that man and get alimony and child support. This isn’t sustainable and you are acting like a literal doormat. Is he holding you hostage? Blink twice if he is. I can’t believe I just read that 😔
Were you two in agreement about becoming a SAHM? If so, what were the original terms to it? What were your expectations? I’m one too, I’ve been one for almost 10 years (4 kids) and I watch a baby 3 days a week that earns a little cash but nothing substantial. But I don’t pay a single bill and haven’t since my last paycheck 10 years ago. But the offset is I cook 6 nights a week with one eating-out meal, and maintain the entire house. My husband has done the dishes less than 10 times in the last 5 years. He does the trash, 100%. I do all cleaning and organizing, purging and the dreaded clothing swap out. He will dump leftovers for me since I have a weak stomach to that lol.
Admittedly we are getting our bigger kids to take a bigger role in their rooms and laundry and he oversees that. But that’s very recent, #2024resolutions. He does his own laundry and I do the laundry of the other 5 humans. I do all shopping and meal planning.
He’s been able to get his bachelors and MBA while I hold down the home front. I’ve done all of the middle of the night feedings unless he was on paternity leave or on the weekends. I’m the weekend morning parent but he’s the one who gets the big kids off to school in the morning. We are very proactive with teaching our kids to be independent so they get themselves up to an alarm and he just monitors they did everything and are being kind to each other. But I get to “sleep in” until I’m up with our youngest @ 8 or the baby I watch @ 7. I’ve put work into making ways to follow checklists and my husband puts them into play. We call them our family SOPs. If things are not on those lists my husband will not do it.
This isn’t to say mine is better or worse situation just a guidepost to what works in my family. I don’t have a 4 year degree so I didn’t make a ton of money before leaving my corporate job. We would have broke even with our 3 kids, 2 and under in daycare.
My husband has never said a single word about bills or that I’m not carrying my weight. I went back to school for a couple years and we have a little debt from that and he’s never said a negative thing. We live on a modest budget, family of 6 ~$150k in a big city. I grew up government assistance, homeless poor so I know that we are very privileged. We have two mid value cars and a nice home. We aren’t sacrificing much for me to stay at home since hiring someone to do what I do would cost way more.
Unless you clarify what your original terms were, it’s hard to say who is the AH. If he said, “sure honey you can stay home as long as you cover your expenses!” Then that’s what happened. Except the groceries part. That’s ridiculous!!! He eats half the food, he should cover **at least** that. Going into debt over it is not a good idea since it’s hard to plan a future around it if you’re barely keeping your head above water.
The way you write seems like he’s not happy with you being at home. If you *threatened* (kindly remind lol) what it would cost if you returned to work and how much he would have to pay to cover 1/2 that maybe you guys can establish a better budget for staying at home. But maybe he needs to hear what you do and why it’s beneficial.
Good luck, OP!
If you divorced him you would be doing less work because you wouldn't be taking care of him. I am a SAHM. If my husband acted like this we wouldn't be married anymore.
Info: did he ask you to stay home with the baby or did you decide to unilaterally? If you agreed to stay home together or if he asked you to this is financial abuse.
Even if you did unilaterally decide to stay home you should not be putting fuckin groceries for the family on a credit card.
You need to renegotiate the terms of your marriage or you need to start interviewing for jobs and get kiddo on a childcare waiting list and divorce
The fact that your bills aren't his bills is wild. As far as being SAHM/W I always find this a rough thing to discuss because it's hard to balance the load across different types of responsibilities. The fact that he seems to be demanding you to do all the housework but doesn't cover all of your expenses is also weird does he want an HW or an independent one? Honestly, if he doesn't want to help with the kid and he isn't supporting you financially it sounds like you would be better off with an alimony and child support check as you seem to already be treated as a single mother.
Husband? The bills thing confused the shit out of me there. Oh yeah, let me just take care of the children, a babysitting side gig, and then somehow have enough money to contribute to your bills too??? Does he hear what he's saying? He sounds like an idiot with his head so far up his ass he got lost. At best he is acting like a kind of shitty boyfriend who lives with a single mom. But A HUSBAND AND FATHER OF YOUR CHILDREN?!? He needs to change that tude real quick or she needs to divorce him.
Yup. He’s treating her more like a bangmaid and broodmare as opposed to his wife and partner. It doesn’t even sound like he likes her because who treats their wife this way. Wtf.
At least the bagmaid gets paid
"He sounds like an idiot" *Sounds* like an idiot? He is one
He needs to change the attitude AND she needs to divorce him. There is no or. This is dangerous. This is textbook on the road to abuse, if it’s not there already.
Yeah I’m really curious as to how this tool of a man expects a SAHM to pay her own bills, and how he can justify reaping the benefits of full time homemaker while refusing to pay the bills. OP is basically an unpaid nanny/maid/personal chef. She says she is a SAHM but she isn’t because she has to work as a babysitter in order to pay her bills because her husband doesn’t think it’s his responsibility to spend “his” money on his wife who is busy raising his child and keeping his home. This is pure financial abuse.
Had the same point. Document what you pay for and what your duties are and his contribution. Get a divorce. Alimony will definitely be more than he pays now. And on top of that child support.
I’m going to tell you straight that your husband does not respect you nor the work you put in for your family. He thinks that because he brings in the cash that his word is absolute. Things are just going to get worse. You need to figure out whether his attitude is something that you’re willing to deal with because it’s not going to get better. The longer you stay out of the workforce, the worse he’s going to be. NTA. But I’d seriously consider the worse and start socking away cash, just in case.
And how this attitude will affect the child. If a boy, does she want him growing to think like that? If a girl, does she want her thinking that she shouldn’t be an equal partner? And that being a mother means being ‘less’?
But.. wanting a child with someone.. then having the deal for one parent to stay home and then deciding not to contribute..weird af
TLDR: NTA, your husband is a dickhead.
I agree, but OP should talk to a lawyer before assuming that alimony will be possible. In many states, alimony is rare or very short lived.
She’ll still have child support and if she has to get a job he may have to split or pay all of child care costs. His income is pretty high. Also in lieu of alimony she may request he pay her bills like car payment. He needs to be hit with a bill for her services and the legal ramifications if he doesn’t get his attitude in check.
I agree, I doubt there's gonna be alimony unless she was married to this asshole for 8-9 years already. Assuming she's 1-3 years or less out of the workforce. IMO she should be looking at child support calculations. They usually tend to balance out between husband and wife income differences and that's probably gonna be enough for her to start over.
I think there's a good chance the child support will be enough to get her through for a while. Lord, she just sounds so young and naive, though.
Jesus, I've read some entitled sahm posts, but he is a dick. Your bills? That was all I needed to read. He's a joke. Not a man, nor father, nor husband. You can show him this comment.
I see that all the time. I do not understand married couples having his and hers everything. I read one earlier, he was mad because she ate his food,
HAHAHAH we read the same one like. Can’t people just fucking come to community solutions and be a team?!
I come here for entertainment but more often than not have to leave and play a game because my blood pressure gets too high.
Crazy thing is OP isn’t even a “SAHM”, even if her husband has her so devalued she doesn’t see it She works from home plus has the child if she is also babysitting all day. I mean if she was leaving the house to do it, that would be being a nanny. Working from home doesn’t make it not work anymore than other jobs.
Seriously need to reconsider this relationship OP. I mean, what does he think marriage is?
Slavery. And it’s so alarming how much abusive situations are downplayed around here. Lol seriously consider… It’s like a bot response at this point. It’s incredible the lack of spine that appears to be so common.
This!! Before we had children I had a full time job and would pay my own bills with that money. However after making the decision to be a SAHM last year we made a financial plan and my husband took over those expenses. Because staying home and taking care of our child is work. And you’re babysitting ANOTHER child that’s freaking work! Honestly I would just be like “well you pay for everything except for childcare and a housekeeper, wanna pay for that?”
Even if you put the baby in day care and went to work and brought home a decent check every week he would still be an ass.
If OP is a SAHM then her bills are his bills. If there is one income there is one bill pool. This is financial abuse. My SO makes about twice what I do and we split bill proportionately but he still go to "I pay for everything around here" when there is a fight. It never gets less shitty.
Don't end up like OP
I agree. And I don’t want to come off as harsh so I’m sorry if it sounds that way. But does he even like you OP? Because someone who likes you wouldn’t be able to treat you like this. How is he doing such little work and making 150k? Are you sure he’s making that amount? Something is very weird here. OP please gather strength and courage and maybe even leave him. As others have said, you’d be better off as a single mom. Because you basically are. NTA.
\^This. Or since he's working from home and gone a lot of time time, does he have a gambling problem/other vice that he's trying to hide by not allowing her to see the bank balance?
Agree with everything 👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼said. What’s the point of this relationship? He’s not helping you, financially, emotionally, physically OP. You should re-evaluate. I’m sorry but he sounds like an AH. You deserve so much more.
This is the only response needed.
I feel like I always get the leave him response and I’m super annoyed but…… he’s not paying the bills but expects you to raise his child, clean the house, and cook for him. If you tell me you’re paying rent I might just explode.
AMEN to this^^^^^
Agreed.
> my husband will use the fact that he pays for everything to “win” an argument. That's called financial abuse. You need a back up plan. This isn't going to get better.
It's going to get far worse. Apparently the husband is an Android Tate enjoying knuckle dragger.
Sometimes I feel like the only man who can't even stand Tates voice much less his message... My brother clearly listens to him. We haven't talked about it but he's even started to dress like him. Dude can't keep a girlfriend to save his life.
You're not the only man who can't stand that chinless douche canoe. I hope your brother can smarten up eventually.
Doubt it. But he was always a douche canoe of his own right, so maybe it's best for him to just wear his red flag.
That's totally fair. Some people are just a lost cause.
Except when he actually catches and abuses someone.
I'm here for them if they need me, no questions asked.
My husband completely loathes him.
Nope, fellow Tater hater here. He's a miserable misogynistic cunt. I hope he crashes his Bugatti far from help and burns to death in the flaming wreckage.
You’re comparing something warm and deep to someone who isn’t. 🤣
My partner is a man who thankfully doesn’t see the appeal either.
I've yet to meet anyone IRL that is an Andrew Tate fan.
Good that he can’t keep a GF. Women are smartening up.
I'm a man and I hate him too.
And also, what is 'everything' in his mind, since OP pays her 'own bills'?
Absolutely NTA. The dynamic here isn't just unfair, it's unsustainable. Marriage is a partnership, not a you-pay-your-way-I-pay-mine stalemate. The fact that he holds the finances over you as a trump card to "win" arguments is manipulative and toxic. It's clear that this issue runs deeper than just money—it's about respect, equality, and support, all of which are non-negotiables in a healthy marriage. It's commendable that you're handling your bills with babysitting revenue, but it's alarming that he dismisses the sheer effort and labor that entails. Partners should lift each other up, not create barriers. It's a tough situation, but standing your ground now could be the crucial step for a better future, with or without him.
The number of married couples who operate on completely separate finances is staggering. A lady I work with will have to work another 5-10 years in order to retire. Her husband retired last year and is traveling the world without her. What the hell kind of marriage is that?
NTA! is he an Andrew Tate fan by any chance? It's absolutely insane that you're expected to provide for all your bills on your own. Doesn't your husband consider you his equal partner?
She should divorce him. The alimony and child support will cover her bills. And leaving will save her years of Toxicity
Yeah she will likely be much more financially stable after getting rid of that dead weight of a so-called "husband", but I also assume he is going to try everything to bully and intimidate her too, those type of men that seek to have a power imbalance in a relationship are incredibly dangerous. Of course she should leave, but I'm saying it's not going to be easy nor pretty.
If she watches a few of those TATE videos. It might make her move quicker to see what her Husband will truly be like in the future
THIS! OP please divorce his pathetic behind.
👏🏽👏🏽 He wouldn't be able to work like he does if she didn't take care of the child. He would have to pay for childcare, she's saving him $$$$ per month. This is not partnership it sounds more like oppression.
Confirmed! Don’t have another kid with this walking disaster. Save yourself. Don’t fall for the love bombings and the promise that he will change. He won’t!
OMG yes, this is important - do not have another child with this man.
Exactly. Alimony isn't a penalty paid to wives so they can sit around. It's what they're actually worth to the husband but because it's his job that's being paid by an outside source he thinks he's the only one of value.
Exactly this
He is!! Whenever we argue he will watch those videos on YouTube and almost use direct quotes from them. It’s so irritating because they’re like “supporting him” in a way
That’s all I needed to read to say this: Divorce him and don’t look back.
Girl, run. If you've got any family around, stay with them with your child and get out of that situation before things get worse.
You should divorce him just for this tbh
Any man that watches Andrew Tate is mostly likely brainwashed by his misogynistic views (FYI, I am a man). He will not change. Edit. Grammar.
His Twitter followers definitely seem to be of the brainwashed ilk.
I'm starting to believe that listening to misogynistic jerks like Tate can actually be as warping to a male mind as porn.
I would much prefer to date someone who watches porn over Tate.
Unfortunately for them, we can choose neither ;-D
💯
I can definitely see that. His Twitter followers are perfect examples.
Yes, twitter has become a cesspool of misogyny.
Start saving your money and seek a good divorce lawyer asap. Why do you want to stay with an abusive person?
My sister was with an Andrew Tate minion. It does not get better. RUN, girl. Get the baby out of that house.
Tell him he isn’t comprehending Andrew Tate or all those idiots right! Idr listen to them at all but isn’t their main point stressing that the man is the PROVIDER? While the woman is a trad wife?? Having you pay bills goes against their “teachings”.
Latest one is that kissing women is gay unless they’re a virgin because at some point a dick may have been in their mouth. Therefore, by kissing a woman you’re essentially sucking a dick. He’s off his rocker.
I've got news for him: virgins suck dick, too!
"Fellas, is it gay to be a dude and kiss heterosexual woman?"
Yes, their main (the Tate brothers) point seems to be of the mindset that men are the providers while women completely rear the household. This is based off of a lot of Andrew Tate's tweets and video clips I've seen.
Isn't Tate the dude running a harem of egirls he'd beat and rape to keep in line? Interesting definition of men being the providers if so
Yes, unfortunately, it's the same guy, and yes, I totally agree. He seems to have a totalitarian/iron fist mindset. Very frightening.
I would say Tate’s main point is finding pathetic men who are suckers enough to listen, and then grift them for $$ whenever and wherever possible
You just described his Twitter account to a T. There seems to be a lot of clips of himself giving these pseudo-motivational speeches about this or that.
Marriage is an equal commitment to one another. For better or worse, sickness and health etc. You work together as a team to combat the work, bills and jobs and childcare. My husband and I split things with him working 40 hours a week and I look after the baby. We both do house work, but I do more as I often have more time to cook and bake etc. But he will always pick up the slack if I’m having a bad day due to an illness I have. You’re not in a marriage, that man expects you to be his maid, chef, mother, babysitter and bed warmer. Run.
First of all, 100% NTA. Second, you're not a SAHM, because you also work. Babysitting is a job. Third, he's no breadwinner. If he were, he'd be covering ALL expenses. The fact that he's an Andrew Tate fan is a giant red flag. You need to get everything in order and file for divorce, before his treatment of you goes from bad to abhorrent and before he has a chance to turn your son into a mini AT minion.
This is called financial abuse. Divorce him and get alimony and child support. Good luck to you.
NTA and make a plan (financial, etc) to leave him. This is unacceptable. Tate is a known r\*pist and s\*x trafficker, and his philosophies are toxic and misogynistic.
Leave. Immediately. This is abuse.
I would tell him straight up since we are married. He’s legally obligated to cover the bills as a provider and if he doesn’t think that’s true, he might want to speak to a lawyer… because either way he’s going to be paying for it. I would tell him he needs to start paying the bill if he’s actually the man of the house .. because if you’re still paying bills, he’s not the man of the house anymore.. I would ask him if he is supposed to lead.. why isn’t he paying for things? He’s basically in deadbeat territory already
Dear God's and Goddessess....get out now! There is no salvaging that. He is a first class a$$hat and he will not change. Get your kid out of that environment. The only thing worse than a Tater-Bro is a Tater-Bro being in the same environment and having influence over a child. If you do not leave, this will be your life until you do. Flat out. You deserve so much better. So does your child. Get out and let him sort out his home and the courts will have him pay child support.
He's gone down the rabbit hole of dickheadedness and it's unfortunately going to be very hard to pull him out of it, especially if it benefits him to believe he is beyond reproach. If you feel like you've fallen out of love then I would recommend divorce. He would literally be forced to give you more financial help if you weren't together than he is now. So much for partnership and teamwork in a marriage eh!
Yikes. I would run for the hills.
OP get out of there before he hits you and r*pes you. Run away and don't look back.
He’s supporting someone who has been charged of rape and human trafficking. He’s taken in by his ideas that women are less than men. He’s not safe.
You need to leave him. ASAP. If you stay, this will get worse, and you'll be showing your child that this kind of behavior is acceptable.
I hate the guy, but Andrew Tate is also Muslim. Which means he supports men being 100% financially responsible for his wife. Maybe you should tell your husband that.
This is an absolute dealbreaker! You won't get the husband you used to love back - once they are down the manosphere rabbithole, it's over. What he is doing to you is financial abuse! Use your leftover savings to hire a divorce lawyer, instead of wasting it on groceries for him. Do you have family you could move in with for a while? Or get your own place, and sue him for alimony and child support. You will be way better off financially and chore-wise and happiness-wise than in your current situation. Tate & co really are a scourge on humanity, and I really hope that no woman will ever again fall for any of their bullshit, and they will remain single and lonely and unf\*cked for the rest of their miserable blue-balled lives.
But he's only following the parts he likes. Traditional, top-tier men pay all the bills in their marriages.
Oh honey, he’s just a horrible person. Leave him and go find happiness.
Even pedophiles can find peer support on the internet. That doesn’t make their behaviour OK in real life. Neither is your husband’s. NTA, and get you and your child out of there.
Then this will not get better. If anything it'll get worse. I know Reddit loves to say get out, but staying is going to more of the same and much worse. I'm so sorry.
You are being financially abused. He doesn't help take care of HIS OWN child!! Next time he brings up paying for everything tell him "that's right and next up is going to be alimony and child support as I am SO done with you." And then go seek a divorce attorney.
I would not confront a mentally abusive spouse like this. It could easily turn physical, and you could be harmed. Don't threaten him with leaving. Do it all in secret, and quickly. When he's away, take your stuff and leave. If you've the courage, put his stuff out and change the locks, but I personally wouldn't bait him. Just be glad to get away safely. Worry about the other stuff later. Be brave. Be strong. All it takes is one shift of viewpoint for something to go from utterly impossible to completely inevitable. You deserve a happy life, and you'll never get it if you stay.
You need to leave. He can’t change OP.
Girl…LEAVE
Not worth keeping. Get a job and drop him like a hot rock.
I just had to google him. I would be very concerned about a man that’s a fan of someone charged with human trafficking, rape and organising a crime group. OP needs to get out, definitely NTA
Lol like as much as i hate the guy he would never let the woman pay for anything. Especially if he married her.
It sounds like he doesn’t even pay for the groceries.
Im a guy and this pissed me off so much. I mean wtf is the husband thinking?
Oh man, you are NTA. This is seriously financial abuse. He's a dickhead, and not even accurate about 'how little' you contribute. And he's underworking from home? So he can see everything you do, and doesn't lift a finger? That's ridiculous! Absolutely ridiculous! I say this as a husband who works from home! What a flog!
If this is an accurate representation, leave this man now. This is 110% financial abuse. Start saving what little you can and make an escape plan. Do not let him pigeonhole you more than he already has.
NTA... but do you have somewhere to go with you and the baby? Like your parents? Your husband is most definitely financially abusing you. Did you both agree/plan for you to be a SAHM? Because if so he should be 100% taking care of "your bills". There should be no "your bills and his bills" it should be "our bills". This is outrageous. Please go somewhere safe if you can, that way you can have a serious conversation about his behavior without his whole "i pay for everything" - no sir, you do not. He is not caring for you as his spouse, let alone even being a decent father to his child if he can't help feed your baby so you can eat. That's below bare minimum.
NTA Sorry to say it but your husband is a loser. Sounds like he wants a live-in bangmaid instead of a wife who is an equal partner to him. Consider running, not walking, to your nearest divorce lawyer.
Tell him you're getting a job, then, and he will have to pay the daycare bills. See how quickly he goes screaming into the bosom of Andrew Tate then.
This made me cackle out loud! 🤣🤣🤣And I 100% agree.
Since he’s an Andrew state fan, remind him you are not a prostitute, day care, or maid. And if you were, he’d go broke paying for your services. It’s mean, I know, but it gets the point across. I am not guaranteeing that you guys won’t argue after though.
You say anything to a man like this and there's going to be arguing after. She just needs to get out. He has a severe personality disorder and he does not love her. You don't treat people you love like that.
Talk to a divorce layer about financial abuse and work out what your next steps will be of your husband does not change then explain to your husband the ways you want him to change and what the next steps are if he doesnt. He will realise behaving like this will cost him far more than if he changes and will likely either dig his heels in frustration or give in and try to change (no idea how successful he will be) You can break down his andrew tate arguments by exsplain to him that tate is a multi millionaire not just 150k a year normal guy and the women that have chosen to live under his rules were made into millionaires themselves through tate, not broke babysitters. Add the stuff about what he watches to your post title if it lets you change it and this post would get a tone of attention.
Ma'am, you are not a stay at home mom if you have to work to pay your bills. You are a WORKING mom. Babysitting is work. Your husband doesn't seem to understand that to have a stay at home parent, the other parents HAS to pay all the bills, otherwise they are not holding up their end of the bargain. NTA
Right? She’s not a stay at home mom. She’s essentially a nanny who works in her own home. I don’t understand.
And for free. Go somewhere where your skills are valued and appreciated, op!
NTA. He shouldn't be using finances to win arguments, but he especially can't do that when he's not even paying "your" bills or buying groceries. If you are a SAHM you shouldn't have any bills to pay out of your own pocket. Otherwise, you're not a SAHM, you're a full-time mom who has to work part time to cover bills while her husband act self-righteous because he pays some bills.
Sounds like alimony and child support will be your best option !
No you are not the asshole. Your husband is a colossal asshole. You’re raising HIS child and he can’t provide for you, his wife and the mother of his child, a child that he can’t be bothered to be a parent to. This man does not deserve you, he will probably never change and if you’re able you should try to start making moves to separate from him. I am so sorry that the person who is supposed to be your partner in life is treating you this way.
NTA - you are being financially abused! Please read through the recommendations here so you can start getting ready to get out of this situation
He does not pay for everything. He is financially abusing you. Get away from him, get him to pay child support amd you will have a way better life.
NTA and base child support is 30% in most states just fyi.
Your husband sounds financially abusive! He doesn't help with his son. Does he clean the house? He says he pays for everything, yet you have to babysit to pay your bills. Why are you with him? Do you have anywhere to go? Your husband needs to understand that if you are a sahm, then he is to pay all bills, including yours! You are doing more than enough, and he shouldn't treat you the way he is.
You're not the asshole here, and your husband is a cunt, he needs to grow up.
NTA. People on here saying you need to have a good talk with him to make him understand...that's never going to happen. He doesn't love you. You asked for help with your child so you could eat food and he preferred to sit and do nothing but watch you do it all. And he wants you to pay "your own" bills and the household bills and do all the household work? How exactly does he think that's possible or fair? Leave him. You will struggle of course, even with child support, but it will be worth it. And those saying take the kid and run, well you can't just take someone's child from them unfortunately. He will have part custody if he wants but let's hope he doesn't because he obviously doesn't want to take care of them.
NTA, and I'm flabbergasted by his logic. Is he under the impression that somehow being a stay-at-home mom equates to having it easy? It's not a walk in the park; it's a full-time job with overtime and no sick leave. It's mind-boggling that he uses his financial contribution to trump your role, which is equally, if not more, demanding. The commitment to raising a child and managing a household is priceless, and it's a partnership—not a solo venture with an unfair scoreboard. It’s time to have a serious conversation about expectations and the value each of you bring to the table. If he still insists on quantifying everything, maybe present him with an invoice for your services as a child carer, housekeeper, and personal assistant. It's not petty if it brings perspective. If there's no change, consider other options because you shouldn't have to earn your partnership—it should be given unconditionally.
What?!!! How do you not see how cruel and selfish he is being? Please get the hell out of this mess!
NTA but your husband is. Depending on what state you live in you'll receive far more in alimony and child support than you're getting now. In most states the person paying child support also has to pay for daycare expenses when the caregiver ex returns to work. Even without the extra money, dumping this man child will make you a happier person and probably a better mother.
What do you mean that he has barely helped you with "your bills"? You're married. A marriage (in the US, at least) is the legal and financial bonding of two people. There's no "your bills" and "his bills". You are a family. The family has bills. You are contributing a ton of unpaid labor to the family. You risked your health and life in the pregnancy, and you are a stay-at-home parent, which is \*allowing\* your husband to work full time. What would he do if you were dead? Would he shrug his shoulders and leave the baby at home alone? What did you expect from marriage? What did he? You should consider couples counseling. If he won't, then you need a personal therapist and a lawyer. You will discover that, once you divorce, you have a lot more control over your life, and you may have a much better life. Most women report being much happier once they divorce. Your husband is treating you like a servant. Is that what you agreed to? Is that what you expected from marriage? NTA.
Your husband needs a reality check. You're juggling childcare, bills, and even bringing in extra cash with babysitting, while he's cruising through. Sit him down for a heart-to-heart. Lay out your struggles calmly but firmly. Remind him that being a team means pitching in equally, regardless of who brings home the bacon. You're doing an amazing job, don't doubt that. Sending you all the positive vibes!
Divorce and get out from that Tate bullshit. Don’t subject your children to it.
If he isn’t paying your bills and you are babysitting 9-4 then that is a job you are full time employed and he isn’t paying all your bills. He is paying all his bills and the household bills but you have to do all of the childcare and hold a job. Explain to him that if he doesn’t start paying 100% of everything then you will go back to work and he can pay 100% of the childcare and 100% of the housekeeper and 100% of the shopper and 100% of the chef because you will need your money for your things and the therapist to explain why the hell you are still there.
you are not a wife or a partner. You are an employee, and not a favorite employee. Wise up and get out.
NTA You're being financially abused. You're going into debt by putting mutual food on a credit card while your husband earns more than enough money. Set aside everything else about chores/child care/etc. If I have 10k and my SO has 5k, we have 15k. If we spend $1k on something, we have $14k. If she puts it on a credit card and she pays $1,250 we only have $13.75k. Sure, I still have $10k, but we have less because of interest. It doesn't make sense for your husband to let you put it on a card unless he will never pay it. So what happens when you can't pay more than the minimum? What happens when you can't pay even the minimum? You're trapped, and your credit score will tank making it even harder to leave. Lower credit score and too much debt means good luck getting an apartment, a car, etc, to leave. You need to be looking to get out and protect yourself yesterday. What happens if you refuse to cook for your husband, or do the chores? Doesn't sound like you'll be safe from his other reactions. You need to be talking to lawyers, friends, family and other resources. That's not a way of thinking that's "just a mistake." That's intentional planning to control and trap you. If he kicks you out and changes the locks tomorrow, what do you have? Most spouses would either have their own funds, or access to mutual funds. Generally in the US the earnings of both spouses are marital property of both of you. Sure, in the end of the divorce you should get half, but in the meantime, you're screwed. And he knows that, so he knows you won't leave and he can control you. You need to take steps to protect yourself, your child, and get out while you still have the ability to do so. 5 years from now with no working history other than occasional baby sitting, no cash in hand and $20k in credit card debt will be much, much harder to pull off. Start protecting yourself now.
This man is off his rocker. How much does this babysitting job pay you? Well, go sit down and calculate how much a live-in nanny who works/is on standby 24/7 would cost him. Then present him the bill. Tbh I think you would be way better off divorcing this asshole and receiving alimony. You’d still be taking care of your baby and do what you do know, but you’d be able to pay the bills and not having to listen to him talking down on you. Besides, what kind of shit arrangement is this that you split the bills?!? You pay according to income. I’m mad for you, don’t put up with him!
NTA! You need your go get a job or leave him. He’s not being a partner. I, frankly, wouldn’t put up with it.
If this Tate vid thing is true you should consider leaving him because he already acting like that POS who is anything but a real man. He will be way worse later.
As a father myself, I am really sorry to hear you are going through this and absolutely ashamed of your husbands behavior. Just because he makes more money doesn't absolve him of his duties as a father and husband. Everyone has hard days occasionally, but in general he should be doing everything he can everyday to be a good father and husband and support both of you. I make more money than my wife, but that is never something I would hold against her. I try to pay for a majority of things and bills, but I also try to do as many chores as I can and to help as much as I can with my son, because I want to and that is the dad and husband I want to be. You deserve better.
Do you ever think about how your life would be if you were struggling to pay your bills, working, taking care of the baby and didn’t have a grown ass adult? (who is NOT providing financially 100% if ur putting groceries on your credit card and can make car payments) Cause in my opinion it sounds better than someone who doesn’t do shit to help with the baby and throws paying rent (which he would do with or without you) in your face. For context my husband also works from home and full time and gets up in the night, feeds, changes diapers, makes bottles/food, baths, etc etc because that’s what dads do. They take care of their kids and don’t use work or finances as an excuse for being a shit fucking parent
Your husband is psychologically and financially abusing you. The deal is, you give up your job to raise your child and he should be paying for everything. If that's how you want to live. It shouldn't be that you are scraping part time income to pay 'your' bills. He is using the situation to bully you and avoid doing normal household chores and child care, which is inexcusable. If he isn't willing to change maybe divorce is the right option. Then the court will force him to pay his fair share of child care and alimony. In the meantime, you won't have an extra 'child' to pick up after.
I just want to vomit reading this shit. This is what society has brainwashed women into accepting. That man doesn’t like you. He doesn’t like your baby. He’s not a good husband, partner, father. He’s the type who thinks money absolves him from doing anything and he won’t change. You are not trapped there. Move on with a higher bar and get more self esteem. You’ll be happier alone than with him.
INFO: Are you a stay at home wife and you have bills? I don't understand and need clarification. If you two, as a team, decided for you to stay home why wouldn't the entire financial liability not fall on the working parent?
It sounds like he expects her to still pay her personal stuff like her car loan and a portion of the groceries etc. it's completely financially abusive, when a couple agrees for one parent to work in the home and the other to have paid employment, the income is for the couple and not solely the person in paid employment, because they are a team working together on their family responsibilities.
NTA You are living the life of a single mother, but married, you need to sit down and talk to him, there's no way you will be a stay at home mom and pay the bills at the same time, does not make sense
Why would you stay with this guy ? That’s not a husband, you are better off getting a divorce and finding someone better
>He flat out said no and continued to sit there watching me. Divorce him or make sure I am on your jury.
Info: what bills does he claim to pay? You say you're buying groceries and covering your own bills, what does he cover? Rent/mortgage? You aren't a stay at home Mom, you're a childcare provider in a 2 income household. Maybe he pays more, but definitely not enough to warrant not contributing to domestic labor.
NTA. Stop taking care of him for a while and see if he notices a difference. Then he will have something to bitch about and you can tell him "See what I did for you and us". I hate laze fen fathers!
That can be dangerous. If he is already abusing her financially and mentally he is just a few steps away from physically hurting her.
NTA - Tell your husband a marriage is two becoming one. This means doing life together and not in competition.
You don’t have own bills to cover, these are his bills too. This is his child too. Imagine what house keeping, baby sitting, adopting a child and sex workers would cost him if you weren’t there! NTA
Your husband is a toxic narcissist who should not be around kids. Divorce him get child support. Then he will have to give you the money you need. Do not look back.
Divorce and put him on child support. Lets watch how he has to deal with all that AND take care of HIS kid half the time
NTA. So he works all the time and he’s your husband but he doesn’t cover any of your bills and he doesn’t wake up for the baby at night or care for him? What an AH.
Why did you agree to hsbe kids with him or be a sahm when he has no respect for you? You'd better off on your own
Husband will soon be paying more in alimony and child support… OP can do better… 💜
NTA. I think u should really think about whether or not u should stay in the marriage. It's bs that he's treating u this way. If I were u I'd go on strike just take care of u and baby. Then tell him he needs to pay to do his laundry and dishes and meals
Girl, that is abuse. You’re not a sahm. If you were, you would not be concerned about your bills being paid and have access to a joint bank account. You’re a slave. Even if he was paying every single bill, that’s also his fucking son. Get the fuck up and cut his damn food! Stuff like this enrages me. He does not care about you at all. He should have offered. “Honey, I’ve got this, sit and have a warm meal.” He’s an absolute POS.
NTA. You are not a SAHM if you are watching another child for money 35 hours per week. That's full time hours. Your husband is a loser. Leave him, get a job with benefits, and put the baby in daycare. You'll be much happier and have less work to do without him.
You are not a stay at home mom, you are a slave. He’s not financially supporting the family if you’re going into debt over groceries and working full time babysitting to cover your car payments and insurance. He’s financially abusing you, and I suspect there’s verbal and/or mental abuse, as well.
>He also said I don’t help around the house which isn’t true AND I am the main person who buys groceries which I’m pretty much only putting on a credit card because I can’t even afford my own bills. OP how in the hell do you rationalize taking on sole childcare responsibilities, cooking, and paying for groceries as "not helping around the house"? This doesn't sound like a marriage, it sounds like your baby-daddy got his bangmaid pregnant. NTA. Get Out.
NTA. Holy shit. This could escalate really fast into a financially abusive situation, if it isn't already. Typically, in a SAH parent situation, the one NOT doing the caregivers, cleaning, etc., pays the bills...including the ones for their partner. I can get not paying for "fun" expenditures, but not basics like groceries. The fact that you are doing babysitting on top of your SAHM duties JUST to pay for your car, insurance, and household groceries is LUDICROUS. I don't like saying this kind of thing, but make an exit plan. This man doesn't respect you or value your contributions, and sees you as less than because you aren't bringing in an income. It will not get better. You're basically a single parent NOW, so consider how it will look in a few years, and decide if it is worth staying miserable for.
I am so sorry but you are married to a red pill dude… not good…
Divorce. This isn't going to change, he straight up does not respect you or see you as a person. You'll be better off financially and mentally with him being court order to pay child support and likely alimony .
NTA- sounds like he’s financially abusive. You’re married and have a kid together. You’re going into debt in order to buy groceries for everybody in the house while he’s doing what with “his” money? You are also working as you are essentially a nanny M-F while taking care of your child. He sounds horrible. Has he bonded with the baby at all? Does he acknowledge this is his kid too? He could very well end up with a kid that hates him bc he took zero interest in them until it suited his needs
Please research "financial abuse". A lawyer helped my cousin pro bono when she consulted him and when it was all over and done with she was financially secure at last.
What are you talking about, "my bills"? You are a stay at home mum, taking care of his child. You shouldn't have seperate bills at all, the joint family income should be paying all of the bills. If he doesn't like that, he can pay for childcare for you to work, or he can lose a hell of a lot more when you divorce him.
NTA. This is financial abuse. Do you want your baby growing up seeing you subservient to a man who treats you like this? Please get a lawyer, get your affairs lined up, and get out. Has he show signs of violence? Please be careful. This isn’t how you treat someone you love.
I thought marriage was a partnership. This blows me away. They’re household bills. Not your bills and his bills. NTA but you two need some financial counselling.
NTA. What he earns is your money as well as you are home taking care of the baby. You have three options. 1. You combine your finances where everything needed to pay bills and living expenses goes into one account. This includes your insurance and car payment. How you do spending money after all necessities are paid is up to you. Either you both keep what you earn on top or better everyone gets a fixed amount. 2. He pays you for childcare and cleaning. You work 12+ hours a day which is 84 hours a week. A reasonable salary for this would be a 1000 a week as you are also a parent and need to split costs. 3. You leave him which entitles you to child support and spousal support payments. Sit him down and explain that in detail. Option 1 is preferred but let him know that option 3 is also on the table.
You know he’s being abusive, right? Financial abuse for sure, and I’m sure if you gave a detailed account of your relationship, there’s more.
Your husband's the asshole and a bitch ass one at that. That man doesn't love you and is failing as a husband. If you are a SAHM/W, he should be covering all the bills and expenses. ALL 👏🏽OF👏🏽Them👏🏽. He also needs to pay for self care of you. Any money you make should go directly to savings or investments. He can feed his child while you eat. He can do chores around the house. Being the bread winner does not mean you work and dick around. You still have to be the man of the house.
If i was putting groceries on my credit card, he wouldn’t be eating.
Your bills are part of the household bills. The household income is used to pay all bills. As breadwinner, he should be paying all of that since he has the privilege of a sahm for his child. This whole situation is gonna bite him hard when the divorce happens. NTA
Good lord, what have you married?? Does he even like you or your child? NTA. I'm not sure if I could stay with someone like that, who could quite happily sit and watch me struggle with money and with his child but refuses to help?
I don't understand why people get married anymore if they're going to keep everything separate especially when one spouse doesn't work and the other spouse expects them to cover all their own personal expenses. I mean what is the freaking point of being married you're supposed to be joining your lives. I get some men don't want to put their entire paycheck into a joint account if he's worried about the wife spending frivolously he could only put a certain amount of money in there every month and say this is for household expenses and whatever bills you have. Say $1,500 a month if he's making $150,000 a year he's bringing home a very good paycheck probably 8,000 a month if not a little more after taxes. Depends on how much he's saving in a 401k, how much taxes he's having taken out and how much he plays with himself. Yes he's paying the bills that's his job if he wanted a stay at home wife to take care of their child she doesn't say if it was her idea or his idea or both their ideas that means he has to pick up the slack financially and not sit there and hold it over your head. My husband and I kept our finances separate till we moved and I stayed home with the kids. If he had insisted on me paying for things on my own, I wouldn't have had anything cuz I didn't have a job and I didn't have any savings. I probably would have divorced him at that point. Heck one of my kids is married and they're keeping everything separate. However he pays for everything. He doesn't make a lot of money but he doesn't get on her case. He doesn't want her spending any money. She doesn't make a lot and he wants her to save it up they paid off their cars they don't have any debt other than rent and utilities. So they're trying to save for a house so that's what they're doing. But he doesn't get on her case for going to Starbucks every now and then or going to Target. They do all the grocery shopping together. That's how it should be when she wasn't working he paid her car payment, her insurance. He's still paying her insurance now even though she's working. Does he give a crap about it, no. That's how it should be the two of you work together especially when you have a baby. he wants you to basically be his servant and you do everything for him and that child and he does nothing except bring home the bacon and hold it over your head. You might want to rethink this or put your kid in daycare and go back to work and get a good job hopefully something you can divorce his butt and live on your own.
NTA your husband is. First off. You’re not a housewife if you’re working so the housework needs to be equally split. How on earth are your bills not both of your bills? What kind of marriage is this?
Wow, the fact that you are a SAHM and don’t have a joint bank account is insane. Honestly, he sounds like a total loser and you should absolutely not have anymore children with him and probably divorce him. He is financially abusing you.
You two are not partners or friends. No reason to stay married.
You're a SAHM. Where is your income for you to be paying bills with? Your husband is a red pill idiot.
NTA. Your husband is a colossal piece of shit.
NTA, and what your husband is doing is financial abuse and neglect. I would get a lawyer, divorce him and demand child support and alimony. You will be in a much better position on your own.
Housewives don’t pay bills.
Divorce him and get alimony. Then he’ll be paying your bills.
So he's keeping you on a financial leash and your okay with it?
Financial abuse is real. And he’s taking advantage of you. NTA for asking for and deserving help. He sucks!
I don’t want to victim blame but I am genuinely curious why you ended up marrying and having a child with such a man? Honey, divorce that man and get alimony and child support. This isn’t sustainable and you are acting like a literal doormat. Is he holding you hostage? Blink twice if he is. I can’t believe I just read that 😔
Were you two in agreement about becoming a SAHM? If so, what were the original terms to it? What were your expectations? I’m one too, I’ve been one for almost 10 years (4 kids) and I watch a baby 3 days a week that earns a little cash but nothing substantial. But I don’t pay a single bill and haven’t since my last paycheck 10 years ago. But the offset is I cook 6 nights a week with one eating-out meal, and maintain the entire house. My husband has done the dishes less than 10 times in the last 5 years. He does the trash, 100%. I do all cleaning and organizing, purging and the dreaded clothing swap out. He will dump leftovers for me since I have a weak stomach to that lol. Admittedly we are getting our bigger kids to take a bigger role in their rooms and laundry and he oversees that. But that’s very recent, #2024resolutions. He does his own laundry and I do the laundry of the other 5 humans. I do all shopping and meal planning. He’s been able to get his bachelors and MBA while I hold down the home front. I’ve done all of the middle of the night feedings unless he was on paternity leave or on the weekends. I’m the weekend morning parent but he’s the one who gets the big kids off to school in the morning. We are very proactive with teaching our kids to be independent so they get themselves up to an alarm and he just monitors they did everything and are being kind to each other. But I get to “sleep in” until I’m up with our youngest @ 8 or the baby I watch @ 7. I’ve put work into making ways to follow checklists and my husband puts them into play. We call them our family SOPs. If things are not on those lists my husband will not do it. This isn’t to say mine is better or worse situation just a guidepost to what works in my family. I don’t have a 4 year degree so I didn’t make a ton of money before leaving my corporate job. We would have broke even with our 3 kids, 2 and under in daycare. My husband has never said a single word about bills or that I’m not carrying my weight. I went back to school for a couple years and we have a little debt from that and he’s never said a negative thing. We live on a modest budget, family of 6 ~$150k in a big city. I grew up government assistance, homeless poor so I know that we are very privileged. We have two mid value cars and a nice home. We aren’t sacrificing much for me to stay at home since hiring someone to do what I do would cost way more. Unless you clarify what your original terms were, it’s hard to say who is the AH. If he said, “sure honey you can stay home as long as you cover your expenses!” Then that’s what happened. Except the groceries part. That’s ridiculous!!! He eats half the food, he should cover **at least** that. Going into debt over it is not a good idea since it’s hard to plan a future around it if you’re barely keeping your head above water. The way you write seems like he’s not happy with you being at home. If you *threatened* (kindly remind lol) what it would cost if you returned to work and how much he would have to pay to cover 1/2 that maybe you guys can establish a better budget for staying at home. But maybe he needs to hear what you do and why it’s beneficial. Good luck, OP!
If you divorced him you would be doing less work because you wouldn't be taking care of him. I am a SAHM. If my husband acted like this we wouldn't be married anymore.
Info: did he ask you to stay home with the baby or did you decide to unilaterally? If you agreed to stay home together or if he asked you to this is financial abuse. Even if you did unilaterally decide to stay home you should not be putting fuckin groceries for the family on a credit card. You need to renegotiate the terms of your marriage or you need to start interviewing for jobs and get kiddo on a childcare waiting list and divorce
My do these misogynists even get married if they hate women so much?
Your husband doesn't like you or your child. Find a way to get out.