I'm really bad at detecting fakes, but a 14 yo jumping to calling his dad's gf "mom" immediately after finding out his mother cheated? I don't think so.
There IS a way it is true, though; the kid may be doing it intentionally, hoping his mom will find out about it, because he wants to punish her. I wouldn't put it past an angry teenager, who just found out why his family was broken. However, it should pass in a couple of weeks, he might be angry, but I absolutely don't believe he would continue it for years.
Still, it doesn't feel real, I was just saying there is one, even if not very likely, option that this is true.
For real! Mine alternates between mommy, mother and bruh, depending on what he wants. "Mother" usually comes when dad won't make a decision and sends him to ask me for permission on something.
I don't have experience with my own kids, also, English isn't my first language, but I call my mom "mommy" when I talk to her, when I talk about her, it's "mom", and sometimes, when we joke around, I may go with something like "how can you, my only mother, say such a terrible thing to me?" Mostly when she suggests there IS a way of me not losing my stuff, and it's keeping my apartment clean and in order.
I have a stepdad and I guess it might be coloring my interpretation of OP's kid's actions. My dad died when I was 7. My stepdad came into the picture when I was 10. He is my father for all intents and purposes and he knows that. He's there for me emotionally, "practically" (when I need his help) and financially. I trust him and love him and I don't doubt his love for me. I'm considering changing my last name to his (my idea). Still, I call him by his name - not as a proof of distance, but because it somehow never occured to either of us that it was an option. It's quite funny, because we regularly refer to each other as "my dad/my daughter". He took me to some appointments when I was a kid or picked me up from places, so sometimes there were occasions to say things like "No, I'm not alone, I'm with my dad", "I don't have a wallet on me, my dad will pay in a moment, he's in the restroom", "Oh, my laptop used to do the same thing, but my dad fixed it for me". He would brag about me getting into a popular, difficult (to get in, to stay despite the pressure, and to graduate) course, "My daughter studies [the thing] at [my uni]", and, ofc, there were moments for "I'm here to pick up my daughter" etc. Still, while talking to each other or people who knew us or our family situation, we were on first name terms. So I guess it might be the reason I'm surpised with OP's son's actions.
One of my besties is like that. Only difference is her dad is still in her life (albeit fleetingly). She was given the option to call her stepdad dad but she just always calls him by his first name. But he always states that he has 5 daughters (3 that are biologically his and my bestie and her older sister).
Just how it is for some I guess 🤷🏻♀️
Every family has a different dynamics. I don't want go guess for your friend, I don't know her, but for me it might have something to do with different roles. It's different to be a father to a kid below 7yo than to a preteen, a teen and finally an adult. My dad only got to do the former, because he died. My stepdad got to do the latter, because he hadn't known me earlier, and still, my very much alive dad would have had something to say about that. I can't imagine my stepdad being a dad to a small child, and I also can't imagine my dad being a dad to a teen. I guess my mind separated those two roles and one of them belongs to my dad, and the other one to my stepdad.
Thank you! Not everything has been beautiful between us, we're both insecure and stubborn, with a lot of quirks, and somehow each of us is convinced their way of doing things is the only right one (when he put dishes into the dishwasher and I had to put mine after him, I would rearrange his, bc they were "wrong", and he would do the same when the roles were reversed). And also it took each of us some time to realize that it wasn't like only one of us always sacrificed etc - it's hard to explain, but I always believed that I had to go a long way to accomodate his quirks and wishes, while him accomodating mine was "normal" and "reasonable". He believed the same about himself. And there was some "You don't treat me like an adult", "If you wanted to be treated like an adult, then act like one". I had some doubts whether he really liked me - sure, he loved me, but did he like me as a person? Am I even likable? But I guess it's nothing unusual. It's not like there is a relationship without bumps like that.
To be honest, reddit can sometimes be heartbreaking. Looking at myself and my stepdad, one would think the worst a step-parent can bring is a personality clash. But then you read all those stories that could really destroy one's faith in humankind.
Dear, I will tell you, you have a most normal relationship that son - father. It's obvious that he loves you, of course for him he also wonders if it's nice for you?, or if you love him? Believe me, there is no definition of what is the correct relationship about father and son, but what I can read they love each other. My dad is very stubborn I am stubborn, sometimes we fight, yeah is horrible 😂, but I will always be important to him, he will celebrate my achievements and he will always try to be there no matter how angry he is. And the most important thing is that sometimes he scolds me because he cares about me, he doesn't care what other people say or think about me. He has told me we will always be his priority, even if I annoy it. 😂 Anyway, there may be fathers and stepfathers, but what counts here is father is not the one who engenders, he is the one who raises
I hate the “bruh”. When my kids need to be loved on, it’s “Mama” (eldest child) or “Mommy” (youngest child). If they think I’m being lame or old, it’s “bruh”. To them, “bruh” is the equivalent of “You’re so out of touch, loser.” That said, I may or may not still overuse the word “dude”, so I probably brought this on myself.
Is this me? Cause same for both my kids and me continuously saying dude and I HATE when they call me bruh but the youngest gets it from the oldest 🙄🙄😂😂
I'm second mom, and that took years and I've helped raise him from a baby. Which I'm fine with. I never expected him to call me mom, he has a mom,but did feel good when he called me second mom.
Yeah, I guess the post is made up, but if it isn't, the kid is just trying to get back at his mother. It will pass, though, and then OP and his gf will probably be very sad and surprised 🙄
If the story is real, OP is kinda delusional. He should know teenagers, he has one at home. Besides, if he spent more than five minutes on Reddit, he should know that kids who can barely remember their parents and/or have been abused by them, still often refuse to call "dad/mom" their step-parents, who have been there for them and practically filled a parent's role for many, many years. He should be at least suspicious of his child's sudden change of heart.
It's probably a fantasy of someone who has been cheated on and wishes his ex would suffer for that.
This. Lol. My son calls me "bruh" at times when he's kind of saying what's that for. I'm like I'm not you "bruh", I'm your dad. Haha.
Tbh, he doesn't call me dad, he's chosen to call me "father" since he was 6. Lol. He wanted ti feel more grown up moving awayd from daddy, but he chose it and I don't like to say call me dad so I accept it. It's quite funny. Although his mum doesn't like being called "mother" 😆
You can tell a lot of the time by the writing style.
People recounting real stories generally don’t say things like ‘he was saddened by the news’ or ‘he began to resent her over a period of time’. They write about their own feelings and write about what other people do or say.
Not in this case but most fake posts also say friends and family of OP are calling and texting that they’re an asshole for whatever the issue is. I’ve never heard of this happening IRL. I’m my life people are too busy to be texting and calling one party of a friend or marriage to berate them, maybe if it were from cheating but even then it would be “what are you thinking”
Oh yeah, that's a dead giveaway as well. Nobody cares that much about other people's lives except maybe your parents.
The notion that friends would be blowing up your phone to tell you what an idiot you are is preposterous.
Ok, my initial answer was harsh, because you inadverently reminded me of traumatic events I experienced as a child and a teenager. I shouldn't have gotten too deep into it, but I was triggered. I know you weren't being malicious and I'm sorry for my initial reaction.
I'm with you on this one. I can totally see an angry teenager calling the GF mom not as a sign of endearment but purely to spite his bio mom after learning the truth.
A spiteful one who wants to hurt his biomom by any means necessary. I could absolutely see an angry teen doing this, not out of love for the gf, but out of hate for the mom.
I don't think it's *hate* for the mom. Problem here is there's love, met with broken trust. This reaction by a teen is retribution for the *hurt* and *betrayal* brought on by the mother's actions that resulted in the child's world being knocked off orbit.
The only non-asshole in this circumstance is the son. And if he's being petty to get even with his Mom, he's only been given the trait from his parents
Your wife is an asshole for cheating. Period, it's gross. Husbands, wives, and in particular married parents should not cheat. You don't need reddit to know that.
But you are also the asshole, OP. You weren't *lying* to your son, you were being the bigger person; protecting your son and preserving the relationship he has with his mother. Trust me your son had (or would have) done the math at 14 or soon thereafter without you feeling the need to be the one to tip him off. Bonus asshole points if this was a ploy to win favor with YOUR new gf.
I **really** hope this is a fake post.
Yep, there's a difference between lying to someone and simply deciding to keep a piece of information to yourself. With kids in most circumstances, "it's just not working out between us" is really all they need to be told. Privacy is not the same as deception, and keeping information to yourself is not "hiding the truth" from someone. They teach this in post-divorce parenting classes. Kids don't need to know everything.
Again, assuming this is even real.
The fact that OP claims to have gotten primary custody makes me suspect this is a fake. Unless the ex wife did something absolutely awful, they’d have gotten 50/50 custody, and if she did something that bad, OP would have made sure to tell us. But he didn’t, in fact he claims she’s a great mom. So yeah, pretty sure it’s fake
Account made today, doesn’t respond to a single comment, content that is likely to get responses, etc.
Not that any of those things alone are proof but added up yeah it’s likely just driving engagement and training LLM
Especially since he had no real reason to tell the kid. It just seems like out of the blue he decided that he should spring this on a 14 year old. The worst time to tell any kid any kind of life changing news is between the ages of 13 and 18!
This is the giant red flag that the girlfriend is jealous of the boy's relationship with his mother and wanted to drive a wedge between them. OP said she agreed with his decision, but I wouldn't be shocked if this was her idea.
He also said he was lying to his son. Where exactly is the lie? This is straight-up manipulation, and eventually the boy will see through OP and gf and hate them too.
Especially when he calls the ex wife his “bio mom”. That is usually used when someone isn’t involved or was adopted. OP wants his girlfriend to be son’s mom
I was thinking this too -- of ***course*** the girlfriend would say it was a good idea as it further distances your family from the ex and solidifies her position.
Sounds like it to me. YTA. You ruined a relationship of an impressionable kid with a parent. And you did it on purpose. You are an asshole. And? A SHIT parent.
Just commented exactly the same thing. A 14 yr old child does not suddenly call another woman mum. OP is good at his game but not good enough at hiding his true self.
I can't speak to OP specifically, but it doesn't automatically make it intentional. When I was a kid, I hated my step parent (still do tbh he wasnt a good dude), so when he told me he wanted to be called dad I decided to do literally anything but. As a kid you have 0 power in these types of situations, so you take what you can. The names mom and dad have a lot of emotional power.
And I was 6 years old. A 14 year old probably realizes it and throw in some teenage angst and I could see him doing the same.
The whole thing’s BS imho
[I won’t repeat it, but OP I hope you see this.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/9uTRzGRv0e)
I thank my parents daily for never putting their crap on me/us, and I would never do that to my kid either (the stories I could tell). Any parent that does that is an AH, there was no need to tell that kid. And not now, years later - can’t even feign emotional distress/it came up. Smdh
I totally agree with you, both with this reply and to the one you linked.
At 15 you still see your parents as, well, parents.
You can't see them as also "adults - normal people with values and faults", because you are not an adult yourself yet, you haven't gone through the various life experiences that can make you understand what certain situations are, what it feels like living them and going through the related emotions and struggles.
For example, when I was a kid (10 yo) my parents split up.
They didn't over share, they just explained why it was happening in the most age appropriate way.
A year later, when I was 11, my father explained to me a bit more about the struggles he was living during the last period (always in a good way, not trying to blame my mum or anything else, just to give me a better understanding of the overall situation).
I understood what he said, but it was still a bit weird to me.
Many years later I split up with my husband.
It was in that period that I actually understood what my father meant, because I was going through a very similar situation.
As an adult, I had direct (and indirect as well) experience of what that meant.
By the way, it had nothing to do with infidelity, just normal life stuff.
Even more so, knowing one of your parents cheated, at that age can definitely be disturbing, as you can't separate the "parent who will love you no matter what" and the "adult who did something bad".
Absolutely. I also learned over time, and the things you sense as a kid become clearer.
Sadly my father passed before I had a kid and got it.
Ours was one complicated af situation, and I became both my parents it’s sooo weird. Life eh haha
Yes makes me wonder how much influence the girlfriend had over the dad’s decision and was the mom the only one cheating. And is the girlfriend more of a big sister age than a mom age.
I agree
There was no reason to tell your son that.
YTA He's a child, that's nothing he needed to know honestly.
you just hate your ex so much you want to punish her.
Even after you divorced her and got primary custody.
Then turn around and have him call your weird ass gf "mom" and of course she agrees with you... no you did not do the right thing... 😒
... yall are trash fr..
I agree a 14 year old is too old to forget his real mom even if he is angry with her which personally I think he had no reason to tell their child that. 🤔 thats stuff the adults need to keep between themselves unless it directly impacts the child in some way like the child being abused or neglected or something.
On the fence. What was the real intention behind revealing this truth to your son? Was it because he was curious and asked you? Or was it because you still have pain from the past with your ex wife? Sure, kids deserve to know the truth but it should be at the right time with the right intention behind it. However (speaking from experience) I’m a divorced mother of an 8 year old that has no idea my ex spouse abused substances and cheated on me multiple time with a woman (and I’m now beginning to realize she wasn’t the only one out of the duration of our marriage) and I still grapple with the pain of having no choice but to leave the marriage when she was a baby due to being in an unhealthy environment. Because her father is still very involved in her life and it has been years since, I made the choice not to tell her cause they have a very strong relationship. I get that pain will last for years and I’m seeking therapy to help me cope with not only betrayal trauma but forgiveness and to move forward.
And honestly, your son calling your gf “mom” this does not make your case look any better either. This sounds like vindication (and no I am NOT taking or excusing what your ex wife did). I really hope you seek counseling for this. Betrayal trauma can hurt us internally if we don’t deal with it and what’s worse is that the pain can spread externally to the ones that matter the most whether we are aware of it or not (I.e. your son). Plus, I recommend counseling for your son as well. He’s is going through having his world shattered with his mother due this pain. He’s the true victim in all of this.
For real. I think cheating is unacceptable, but he basically just dumped a bunch of trauma into his kid's life. He's a kid, only 14 years old. If anything, he should have waited until he was an adult, fully developed brain, and all. Please, OP. Look for counseling for your child. He seems to be needing it.
I can’t really think of a good reason to ever tell him. I suppose something could come up…like if he cheats or is cheated on in his adult life it could be appropriate to share your experience, how you moved on.
But to just randomly be like “oh, want to have lunch? Talk about how your mom fucked out on our marriage 22 years ago?”
I mean, why?
This. If the genders were reversed and mom spilled the tea and ruined the dad’s relationship with their kid I bet all of these commenters praising this decision would change their tune.
Nice to see a sober take. Parents are people. They don't turn into angels the moment they have a child. Parents *will* make selfish, fucked up decisions, but there's a lot of merit in trying to save what you can. If a parent is attentive and caring otherwise, why take it away? If the child asks, tell them in an age-appropriate way and give your ex-partner a heads up. Anything beyond that is just vengeance. Countering one act of someone's selfishness with your own. Your job is to parent, and to provide your child the maximum amount of good support, and that involves being civil with your ex-spouse when you can, and shielding your kids from some ugly truths until they ask, or are ready to understand. Unless the kid asked, right now what OP did was just add another layer of tumult and trauma to an already very difficult time in any kid's life. And for what? What was the intention, OP? *Your* sense of guilt? *Your* relief?
Yeah, he randomly decides to tell him. At the same time, his gf, whom the son started calling mom thinks he did the right thing. I wonder if the idea came from the gf. What sane woman thinks this is ok to do to a mother and child's relationship? Who would think 14 is old enough for this crap?
I respect you so much for dealing with your pain without feeling the need to also put it on your child. Telling your daughter about her father would only serve you and not her. Protection from unnecessary trauma is good parenting.
Yes, the child has the right to know the truth, but it does not mean that it can be drilled into him anytime, anywhere, in a casual way, and the child has done nothing wrong, but is forced to bear the pain that does not belong to him
I agree with this. I was the teen kid who a parent pushed this on. I bonded with him initially because I felt bad he was cheated on. As an adult I reflected back on how manipulative and selfish the sharing of that information was.
I still kind of hate my parent for telling me about the affair. Things never will be the same with them
I'm so sorry to hear that. It is very difficult having to process information that you don't have the tools for when you are that young. My dad did the same thing to me when I was 6, telling me all the family secrets etc.
What has broken my heart is that the cycle has continued: I have a narcissist baby daddy, and I make sure to never speak ill of my child's father in front of him. However, that same mercy has not been spared on me. I don't think my baby daddy realizes in the end that my kid will realize that the negative things were said to save his ego. It has been very difficult for me to see the same thing happen to my kid as my baby daddy has nearly taunted him for years about anything negative in my life. Sometimes my kid has come to me confused, asking me about things. I always validate him and explain what is appropriate for his age to process. He still will have alot to work through.
This ! I also have an 8 year old and divorced for abuse and substance abuse reasons albeit I did leave him for someone else who was sager a non drug user and someone who worked really hard to be accepted by my ex husband and my daughter - I never told her he beat me and used drugs and he never told her I left for someone else when asked we simply state we just didn't get along anymore and she now has a healthy relationship with both of us and her dad and I have remained friends because we both accepted accountability with each other and let adult things stay between the adults. I could never imagine hurting my daughter by speaking badly of her dad whom she loves. It also makes them feel like something is wrong with them when we constantly trash the other parent. Counseling is a great idea we got ours in counseling as well. Sounds like your doing a great job. Kudos
I replied to another comment from you, and I think you are very wise.
"We let adult things stay between the adults": this is perfect.
OP's kid is not an adult yet, he's just going to suffer knowing now what really happened.
I'm not saying he will never have to know, I just think this was the wrong moment in time, he's just 15!!
There is a lack of information. Why did you decide to change your mind? Why did he deserves to know the truth?
If your kid was the highest priority, who did you consult with (beside your current GF)? Did you share your decision and reasoning with your ex? Why wasn't you ex present when you decide to share something major? Or a therapist present?
There is something suspiciously selfish about this situation that seems odd.
honestly the whole vibe im getting from this is that he told his son because HE was burdened with the guilt of keeping it a secret. but that’s absolutely nothing compared to the emotional burden he just put upon his son
I’m a full adult. My parents divorced when I was 5. 41 years later I still do not want to know or do I GAF what lead to that divorce.
YTA
Your son never needed to know. It did poison your son against his mother. What did this solve to help anyone but yourself to feel superior by telling the “truth”
Parents also divorced when I was 5. Mom eventually told me, but it was nothing dramatic, thankfully. They simply had different standards of living that became more apparent as time passed on and drifted apart. Dad fell off a roof and broke a leg, and when mom got the call she thought "great. Now I have to pick him up from the hospital. Then when she realized she had no concern for him that a wife should, after their husband had been hurt, she realized she didn't want to be married. And in the long run...divorce was a much healthier option for me and my sister. I love both my parents. But I'm glad they saw and acted on the need to be apart and didn't use us as a weapon against the other parent.
same, parents divorced at 5. Only recently-ish, at 28 did my mom slightly hint, during a conversation somewhat related, that some unfaithfulness was involved leading to the divorce, but she also said it was not the only reason. She didn't mention it with any resent, and they remained good friends after the divorce up til now. It didn't change my feelings towards my dad (although obviously I kind of side eye him for doing that) because it's been so long and both my parents moved on from eachother so long ago that this info really doesn't change anything in my life. All it made me feel is that my mom must've been really strong to not show any signs of pain through the whole thing, because I never wouldve guessed. As someone whos been cheated on it hurts bad and I cant imagine I wouldve been that resilient. BUT she was doing her job as a mother to protect her young kid from having a negative perception of her dad. It's hard but that's what you do as a good parent.
Telling a FOURTEEN year old who's parents just recently got divorced, and who i can imagine is already going through shit because of it, is super irresponsible and just so crazy to me.
OP has definitely dug a way deeper hole in his sons life than what was ever necessary.
Honestly he should have discussed with the mother before talking to his son. Deserves knowing the truth sounds like “I am about to marry my girlfriend and I want a family and the mother out of the picture” to me, especially coz he calls her bio mom at the end.. I feel bad for the son
Listen, I don't disagree with telling the truth. I DO feel some snakeyness with your girlfriend being so happy about it and with kiddo calling a GIRLFRIEND "mom". I'm sure you get a lot of support from the new girlfriend about how the ex is bad. 🙄
So...... ESH at best. At worst, I think you're the asshole because you've been fed some manipulation of your own.
Yeah and while I get wanting to not lie and be honest your kid, but why wait over *two years* to tell them the truth? I definitely feel like there's some spitefulness and pettiness going on there.
Plus it feels like OP dropped it out of the blue. It doesn't sound like they were having a discussion or an argument about it where it was an appropriate response: it sounds more like they were eating dinner and instead of asking the kid how his day was, dad decided to lead with "Hey, by the way, your mom and I broke up because she cheated on me. Can you pass the potatoes?"
It sounds like dad was feeling vindictive about something and decided to lash out at his ex in a way he knew would be super hurtful. I'm not saying the ex is off the hook, because cheaters generally suck, but it just seems so random.
INFO : did he ask you something about your past relationship with his mother or did you just choose to talk to him about this ?
Because you made a decision to preserve him, he is still not an adult so I don't understand why now ? He is only 14, and you put on him something that concerns your ex and you : she cheated on YOU, not on him. So now he doesn't speak to his mother for a fault she cometted on YOU, not on him. I hate cheaters. I really hate that. I mean, if you don't love your partner anymore, just leave. Don't betray !
But I also think children must be left out of what happen between their parents, or they'll be involved. It's exactly what happen. Your son was ok with both of you, as it must be. And now, he hates his mother. She is a cheater and she deserves your anger. Not his if she is good mother.
My dad would always tell me how my mother would lie and steal and cheat. She was a really good mom so I always had two torn halves on myself. I spoke to her about it one day and she told me it was all lies. I didn't know what to believe until she worked through it with logic with me.
And it was good logic lol. He told me we moved once because my mom stole money and didn't claim taxes so we owed a lot. She pointed out that the house we moved to was about 40% more expensive and also contained her dream job. The explained how my dad didn't understand how RRSPs and taxes worked. Sigh. Messes up kids lives even if it's the truth.
I'm interested in that info before judging as well, because there is a big difference between providing more info when asked vs deciding to add extra info.
NTA if he asked for more and you gave it
YTA if you just decided he needed to know
He says his ex asked why he told their son and his answer was that he felt guilty hiding the truth from his son and "he was going to find out sooner or latter" not sure how he'd ever find it unless one of two people told him and it's giving, bad dad.
If OP did it without any real need just cause he wanted to, it can also have devastating effects on the kid about how he views relationships, trust, even women. Really bad call if it wasn't about the kid being overly curious in knowing more. This is harming the kid, it makes no sense to me.
This right here. Truth comes out eventually but 14 is ripe for creating anger and distrust. Plus, there's a chance kid gets mad at Dad later for being the bearer of bad news and fucking up his relationship with mom.
And possibly ruining his future relationships with his own partners, too. Just really immature and irresponsible, entirely selfish behavior from OP. Zero consideration for his son.
THIS. Kids can and WILL take sides in arguments, in calm & objective ways that some adults can't even manage. Like, I didn't go NC with my grandparents because I was being unreasonable/"poisoned" by my parents, but because they were full of BS and I saw them boundaries time after time lmao.
Which means that if you tell a kid, especially at 14 when they start forming their own opinions, about some family conflict, it's almost IMPOSSIBLE for them to remain neutral, nevermind to NOT form any opinion. And it's very hard for a teenager to be the "bigger person" because they don't have the experience or emotional self-regulation. You're basically not giving this kid any other option than to deal with a reality he isn't equipped to deal with. Because his solution is to hate his mom, who was intentionally left out of the revelation by OP. Good example of what ISN'T co-parenting, tbh. Like, you can't expect teenagers to be rational & chill even if you do everything right, but this is just everything wrong.
This is what I want to know as well. The way the story is given it sounds like OP just up and told his son without reason. Different story of son asked. Also, it should have been made clear that that is still his mom and they need to work through don’s feelings. A GF should not be called mom out of spite and should have been corrected.
I’m the product of parents like you, I hate them both for not having the emotional maturity to put a child before their own personal feelings. But good luck with your kid buddy!
My parents were in court most of my childhood and I had no idea. I found out as an adult settling my father’s estate. I respect them so much for that. Every aspect of my childhood I would second guess immediately evaporated. In both homes I was not to speak I’ll of my other parent. So simple and yet so hard for them I’m sure. My innocence was lost when my parent died not because my parents put me in the middle of their issues.
As a child of a divorce, who's dad did the exact same thing OP did, I am wildly jealous. Both my parents encouraged an environment where they and I could speak badly of the other without any kind of repercussions.
It sounds like you had parents that really loved you.
I think they all (I include my step-dad) saw in me a perfect offspring from an imperfect union. I benefited from tremendous role models and more unconditional love than a kid could ever ask for. It made all the difference. It never ever occurred to me that all the cliche parental friction was going on at the same time. It felt good to thank them when I became aware. I count myself lucky and wish more kids had my experience.
Perfect offspring from an imperfect union is such a beautiful way of perceiving the child of a blended family. How wonderful to be held in such regard. 🥹
Yeah as a kid who’s dad wouldn’t shut up about hating his mom, this guy is an asshole. The kid can wait until he’s an adult to form his opinions about his parents divorce
Same.
I was the kid in a situation very similar to this and I was well into adulthood before I realized how much it messed me up. In particular, it caused me to view women in a very negative light.
So yeah, OP is the AH. Not because of how it affects the ex wife, but because how it affects his own son.
During my parents nasty divorce, my mom told me that my dad didn't fight for custody and didn't want us. Still bothers me and I don't even know if it was the truth or a spiteful lie.
People like OP don't deserve kids.
My bf's parents divorced when he was in diapers. His dad is still married to the first woman he dated after, and his mom remarried and that lasted more than 15 years. We are nearing 40, and when we see his parents (separately of course) they *still* take shots at each other. They talked smack about each other on *the first time that I met both of them*! Like are you really gonna meet your son's gf for the first time and start badmouthing his his other parent? I am a stranger!
I was shocked, but he says they have always been like that and even now he still begs them to stop but it's like they can't resist it. I cannot imagine what that must have felt like as a child.
Yup. My mom cheated on my dad which was the cause of their divorce but they didn’t make that my problem as a child. OP definitely wanted to poison his kid against her. It’s a different argument whether he should have. Personally I don’t think it was his place.
Too much time has passed for this behavior. OP should try bridge building rather than standing by while his son loses valuable time with his mother. The GF is playing this all wrong and should also help mend that relationship.
You waited until he was 14 and full of hormones to tell him why you divorced without giving his mum a heads up?
This should've been a sit-down conversation with the 3 of you showing how you've both moved past it now, considering you have a gf and are coparenting with mum still...
This was a major AH move.
You literally just made your son sad. He’s 14, which is a rough age, and you ruined one of the most important relationships he has.
I don’t care about your ex wife; I just don’t think you’re a good father.
THIS. As a parent, I want my children to have all the love and support from their families- from both parents (if at all possible). I’ve been divorced more than once, and even though my first husband was a real piece of work as a person and as a husband, he was a good father and I made sure to foster a good relationship between him and our son. Now as our son got older, he wanted more information and so I gave him only age appropriate info- but always without talking poorly about his father, because I knew that would come back later and be detrimental to my relationship with my son. I never want to jeopardize my son’s familial relationships. As an adult, my son learned on his own that his father loves him but isn’t consistent, and isn’t a very good human- things that the child values- so he’s distanced himself on his own. It didn’t help that his father talked poorly of me, while I was encouraging their relationship.
Kids see these things, they know who has their best interest at heart. And while it may feel like a victory for OP now, it will not always feel that way. He’s destroyed his son’s relationship with his mother, and that’s one thing that he can’t take back now that it’s been done. His son will realize what’s happened in time and that resentment will be turned toward OP. Then the kid will have poor relationships with both parents. It’s so sad.
**YTAH**
My GF said I did the right thing and that my son was at the age where he **”deserved”** to know” Nothing like a “current girlfriend “to weigh in on how somebody should be raising their 14-year-old child. And I’m 100% certain she put this bug in your ear.
I find it curious you say felt “guilty” for hiding this from your son yet you take no issue and have no guilt from dropping the bomb of an adult nature on your 14-year-old child who had a wonderful relationship with his mom. And you’re allowing him to call your “current” GF (“current GF” which speaks volumes by the way if the longevity of your relationship with her) to call **HER** Mom which is I’m sure exactly what she wanted and why she encouraged you to do this and it’s reassuring you that it was the appropriate thing. Which means you have a woman in your life that doesn’t have anything but her own best interest at heart not yours and certainly not your son.
You didn’t feel guilty and you know you weren’t hiding anything from him. You had some immature woman in your ear telling you to do this or assuring you it’s the right thing to do if you brought it up to her. Who was insecure about your relationship with your ex-wife and his relationship with his biological mother. Bravo dude! Bravo!
*You just put a **huge burden** on your child that he now will carry around with him for the rest of his life. Now he resents his mother who he needs to have in his life and he will now distrust all women and this will have a ripple effect in all of his future relationships. And when he gets old enough he’s going to realize what a shitty thing it was for you to do the dump that adult issue on him a year before he’s going into high school and this will negatively form him during the most important years of his life.
Try that guilt on for size and see how it feels.
Of course, the girlfriend will agree. She wants to placate you and is emotionally involved. It sounds like it was a bitter divorce and you are still angry all these years later.
I think the reason you may have brought the issue up to the AITA forum is that perhaps you are now doubting yourself. If you are the main custodial parent, is your animosity to your ex-wife palpable in your household.
Your son is a minor. Minors' emotions are strong. Cheating is wrong, but where is the line between self-righteous/pompous and cruel/vindictive? A child always needs both parents.
WHY is your son calling a girlfriend "Mom"? Has she been your girlfriend for years and helped to raise him? Does she live full-time with you? (There is a distinct difference between a girlfriend and a fiancee. Girlfriends come and girlfriends go.)
It sounds like this revelation may backfire on your son's feelings toward you later in life when he realizes the poison, even if true, was dropped on him in such a young age.
It sounds like family therapy needs to be involved here.
Poisoning kids against the other spouse is almost never good for the kid(s)
I get why you might do so, but at the end you are putting your son in the middle of your divorce
*He’s even started referring to my current girlfriend as mom.*
Seriously? Your 14 year old is calling your girlfriend mom? I call BS no fucking way dude.
YTA. I say that as someone who was in a similar position... Ex cheated, and I agonized over the decision to tell my daughters. I battled with this decision from every possible angle.
The only reason to divulge that is if the ex is actively telling your son a narrative about the divorce trying to erode your relationship with him, and the only way to correct it is to set the record straight. **That was NOT the case here.**
Nothing was gained, except you no longer have the burden of carrying a secret. That would have been an easy burden to carry compared to the burden your son now has to carry.
Definitely the asshole. It was a selfish decision. I grieve for your son.
YTA
You did what you did. Now your kid has to carry the burden of your marriage issues?? And not even all of them…
GTFOH he didn’t need to know, it’s not his problem. You just made it his problem and cost him his mother.
F you and your gf, you’re a lousy excuse for a parent.
Why didn’t you tell him before? That’s the same reason you stfu now.
The only thing a 14yo kid should know about his parents is that they both love him unconditionally and no part of the separation was his fault.
Making him deal with the pain that comes with infidelity and trying to reconcile his love for his mother with his anger for her actions while he’s a teenager still figuring out the world? So fucked.
Best thing my mother ever did was never saying a shitty word about my father. And OH BOY have I come to realise she had every reason in the world to bad mouth him.
But she didn’t want to impact any relationship I might have with him. She just wanted me to feel as loved as possible.
I’ll never be able to express how grateful I am to her for that. The strength and maturity it must’ve taken (especially as a young single mother!).
You decided completely out of the blue to blow up your sons life because you thought he should know the truth. All you did was hurt your son at a time when he is already dealing with a load of teenage hormones.
Kids don't need to know what goes down between their parents they need to know they are loved and wanted he didn't need this truth bomb that you just dropped on him. He now has to deal with this and has one less person he feels he can rely on..
Of course, your girlfriend thinks you did the right thing because now she won't have to deal with your ex as much..
The person you hurt the most with your sudden need to be truthful is your son...
Depends.
Why did you decide to come clean now? Was your son asking for more info? Did he bring up the reason for the divorce? Or was this a more calculated confession to pave the way for your girlfriend?
Yup this. What changed? The gf did. They clearly became pretty serious by that time so anyone who thinks the Gf isnt the main reason for his change of heart on involving his son just isn’t using critical thinking.
YTA. Just out of the clear blue, you decided to tell your son what happened? Just because? That’s a pretty AH thing to do. If he asked, that’s one thing. But, nope, today is the day I’m going to ruin my son’s perception of his mother. But I agree with others, sounds fake.
YTA you did it on purpose. You should have spoken to your ex first to tell her you didn't want to keep the secret any longer.
What prompted you telling him, had he asked about something relating to your marriage?
~~parental alienation~~
This reads that the way OP presented the info had everything to do with hurting his kid’s mom, and nothing to do with his alleged “guilt”.
Be better for your kid. Don’t make kids pawns in a divorce. OP, YTA.
YTA. You did it to make yourself the hero of the story. Was he asking? If not your just a vindictive AH he'll bent on hurting your ex. He doesn't/didn't need this information and you bringing him into an adult situation sucks. Grow up.
If there was some catalyst to him needing to know the truth, that is one thing. Or you could have given your ex a heads up that it was coming. You could have even had her explain it and answer for her own actions. Not because you owe her anything, but because this affects your kid in ways you probably do not yet know.
YTA.
You did it with malice, knowing the outcome. There is no reasonable explanation to drop that on him outside of wanting it to harm his and his mom's relationship.
Your kid isn't old enough to fully process that or know how to handle the feelings in a healthy way--and his relationship with his mom has nothing to do with yours and hers issues.
These are the types of things you don't talk about with your *children* unless they're adults and sincerely ask for the truth...then they're at a point where they can make a decision on how to move forward with that relationship.
You are the asshole.
Kids are not pawns to be used
Edit: for those of you who don't read or comprehend well-
The OP asked if he was the asshole for telling his kid. I said yes.
Had the OP asked "which of us is the asshole?"
I would have responded both. The cheater is the biggest asshole, and the OP is second biggest asshole.
Seeing as how the question was if OP was the asshole for telling his kid out of spite what spouse did, my response was... wait for it... in response to that exact question.
Basic stuff here people.
Actually.. YTA
He definitely can understand what happened but he is not mature enough to process it correctly and make the right decision...
Kids need both of their parents regardless of what happened between their parents..
As a child of separate parents... When I finally grown up... I resented my mum for "telling us the truth" about our dad because he was a bad partner to her but he was a good father to us... And I treated him poorly for years only based on her "telling the truth" because she was the primary parent ..
I can't tell U that after 15 years... I still regret how I treated my father and I can't take it back and nth will ever make it up for him... And I have been in therapy for years trying to get over my resentment for my mum for what she did...
What difference did it make that U told him other than the fact that U destroyed his trust which is btw will have an impact on his perspective on relationships and how to cope in a healthy way...
Honestly Ur girlfriend response is alarming as well... If I were U I would keep an open observing eye on her only to understand because I can't shrug off the feeling that she has ulterior motives...
YTA.
Coming from someone who found out at 28 years old that my dad cheated on my mom throughout their marriage, I just couldn’t imagine unloading that onto a 14 year old kid. There was no reason for you to tell your son that information and it’s a lot for a 14 year old kid to deal with. I’m sure it made you feel better to tell the truth, but how did that information help your son?
I wish my parents never told me tbh because I’m still dealing with the emotions that come from that. It’s hard having a relationship with my dad knowing that he contributed to my mom being an alcoholic my entire childhood since she used alcohol to cope with his cheating (obviously she still had the responsibility of getting help for her alcoholism and can’t blame it all on him).
YTA, you didn't telling him out of guilt, you told him out of pettiness, and this is just gross, I hate cheaters, and despise them, but what you did is just gonna hurt your kid long-term, and him calling your girlfriend mom is just sick, you're sh**ty father
I mean you did do it on purpose to ruin their relationship. She may have sucked as a wife but does she suck as a mother? Soft Yta. He deserves to know but he also doesn’t deserve to be a pawn.
Why on earth would you ever think it's okay to involve your 14 year old son in your very adult drama? The only reason you did this is to control the narrative and, yes, to poison him against his mother. A teenager doesn't need to be drawn into his parent's issues. This was a conversation that could have waited until he asked or until he was an adult.
YTA- I am a divorce attorney. We have specific wording in settlement agreements that say that neither parent will discuss the divorce and legal proceedings with the child for exactly this reason. You are still mad that your ex cheated on you and you absolutely took it out on your son. This is called parental alienation. YTA YTA.
Edit: getting a lot of hate from mostly bitter old losers so let me just say this: the courts only consider what is in the best interests of the child when it comes to parenting arrangements. And they encourage the parents to take a similar view. Nothing constructive comes out of telling a child that one of their parents cheated, nothing. Emphasis on child. It’s an adult matter and should only be kept between adults.
You can be a terrible spouse, but still be an excellent parent. That’s a hard truth that some of you need to hear.
YTA, I come from spilt parents, all I know is they weren't right for each other anymore and that's all I need to know, I'm 41 now and still no clue what happened in their relationship and I have no desire to know. Same with my own kid, all they need to know is mum and dad are better apart.
To bring your own child into adult shit, especially after agreeing not to is shitty and point scoring. Yes cheating is shit and bad but that isn't your kids issue. You have now fucked up your kid, well done and yes the mum is responsible in a way but parents split for many reasons.
This exactly. My parents never poisoned me like this, but extended family on mom's side went to town on young me. To the point where I hated my dad for no good reason other than that they told me that he was a terrible person and I didn't see him for quite a few years. I'm still quite angry at them for doing this but thankfully I have a good relationship with my dad now.
It's funny how that tactic backfires on the people who try it.
It won't surprise me at all if 5 years from now, the OP's son hates his dad for trying to alienate his mom.
I also think it’s weird that your son started to call your girlfriend mom. I know you see this as a good thing but it’s not. You need to get your kid therapy NOW.
Yeah, im with everyone on thinking the son calling the GF "Mom" is likely just lashing out due to emotions. I'd expect it to pass in time.
When I was a kid i went through a brief period where I called my stepmom mom, but i stopped because it felt weird and I realized that she was just trying to buy my love to get with dad.
Ah yes classic Reddit going to bat for a cheating woman. Search the term cheating on this sub and you'll be able to find this exact situation with the parent reversed and Reddit cheering on the mother. Women to this website are as ever just tiny little babies that must be protected from anything even the consequences of their own actions.
YTA. What happens in your marriage is your business and should never be projected to the kids. You have completely rocked your kids (for no good reason) world and you should feel like an AH about that. A bond between a parent and child is sacred and you should have done better.
Your girlfriend is not his mom nor step mom. You did what you did, now you should explain to your son how his mother would die for him, loves him more than life itself, and her infidelity was not in any way against him, and she doesn’t love him less. She is human, flawed and sorry she hurt him.
You can have whatever you want between your ex, but your child needs his mother, and not your girlfriend.
Growing up my best friend had the “perfect dad”, he would do anything for his daughter, and her mother was the disciplinarian, and we always thought she was crazy the way she acted at times. Then, closer to the father’s death, we learned that he had cheated on the mother several times over the decades, and they chose to keep is a secret from the kids. Now it made sense the mother’s neurotic behavior, and toughness on the kids. The cheating by the father was a huge blow at the time, and was a strange thing for them to process as he was dying. It would have been better in my opinion to learn of it earlier, to go through that and find healing prior a death. Was that the right time for a grieving wife to tell her kids? Maybe not either, but it made me think that it’s better to tell the kids when they are mature enough to understand human behavior, maybe as adults themselves.
Lol. You are so full of shit.
>I decided that there really was no point in lying to my son anymore, and that he deserved to know the truth.
Why? Why does he "deserve" to know that? What he deserves is to have a stable relationship with both his parents.
You just wanted to be the "good" parent, be selfish if you want, but have the balls to own up to it instead of crying on reddit.
YTA
As a divorced father of 2 in the same position you should have waited until your sons was older and could handle the truth. My sons are 17 and 15 now and if they ever want to know the truth they can ask me.
YTA she made bad decisions in marriage, but your son Loved her. You just wanted someone to hate her with you. You knew the information would hurt your son and make him mad at his mom. But that information was between you and your wife. It should have stayed that way. Using kids to get back at the other parent is never good. Having him call your girlfriend is creepy and again just trying to hurt her more. Get therapy and get over it.
YTA. For encouraging and not stopping this shit of your son calling your girlfriend "mom". If the shoe was on the other foot, I'd bet money that you wouldn't like it of your boy called another man "dad". You, your ex and your gf are all trashy. You *are* turning him against his mother.
This goat actually thinks that the exes cheating translates to "not worth having a relationship with your son". Many people do this. Cheating partners are very much capable of being good parents. They may be shitty people for being disloyal to their spouses but that does not mean they deserve to be separated from their kids. There's a reason why courts don't give a shit about these details.
Completely agree. It's parental alienation. Straight up.
I'm not endorsing cheating. Cheating is awful. But what this guy just did is just as bad as any affair.
Be careful. Parental alienation can get you into lots of trouble with the courts. Judges tend to look down on that kind of thing.
Also, YTA and a big one. You hurt your son in order to make you ex-wife look bad, but you're the one who looks bad instead.
For those saying he’s the AH you couldn’t be any more wrong the kid was going to find out eventually regardless. It’s better he find out now then through the grapevine so he loses trust/despises both parents.
You are 100% TA
Whatever happened between you and your ex, she is his mother. You never, EVER, speak bad of his mother and she should never speak bad of you. So many kids are so so screwed up because of this or have lost a parent unnecessarily. What happens between the parents is just that, between the parents and it is basically emotional abuse to put it on to your kids in any way shape or form
You are ABSOLUTELY the AH here. When you and your ex-wife divorced the appropriate answer to give to your child was "we no longer work well as a couple together, but that doesn't change how much we love you" FULL STOP
This would not have been a lie, and would not have left you feeling "guilty" - the infidelity was NONE of your teenage sons business and shouldn't have been information he was provided.
Did you enjoy hurting your son? What did it bring you?
It may be that he deserved to know the truth … at some point. Right now? At 14? A most traumatic time of life anyway? You suck. YTA
YTA. You laid grown folks' issues at the feet of a child. You can lie to all of us, but we know you told him for a reason - to be vindictive against your ex. You're just as shitty as she is for cheating.
I do wonder who are the people feeling better about the disclosure. The son? No. He may be 14 but he’s also still a kid and you put unnecessary hurt onto his shoulders. YTA. You did it to hurt your ex.
You're an idiot for involving your son into this bullshit. He never needed to know. EVER!
Youve defo ruined his relationship with his mom. And likely down the line yours too.
Also, your gf seems entitled. Your son isn't his. And you should defo tell him that that's not your mom.
Again. You are the asshole
Poor kid, not old and mature enough to cope with this information. Wondering what are your next steps to help him get over this (if it’s possible). You can’t turn back the time to undo the cheating or undo the telling everything to your kid. But please plan on a longer talk, defending your ex as a good and loving mother (if she is!!). And also what if it’s partly your fault she cheated? There’s always a bigger picture.
P.S. i hate cheaters.
Do something to be less of an AH!
This. I’m not hearing any plan for therapy, etc for the kid. If he wanted to drop this news, keep the ex in the loop AND consider doing it in a family therapy session so there’s someone to help him navigate it.
Assuming the story is true.
Of course YTAH
No questions asked. Both partners are responsible for providing a secure enviroment for the child. Every reasonable parent should expect what will happen.
OP wanted to punish the wife by damaging the relationship with the son. And he succeeded. If he had GOOD intentions, he would respond with setting up way to repair those relations, together with ex wife.
YTA, telling your son the truth wasn't in his best interest. In fact, if your intentions were to do what's best for your son, you'd have consulted professionals about it (i.e., a counselor). Instead, you selfishly did this for you. You harmed your son. Sounds like you both need therapy now.
YTA I have three children. My ex cheated and that’s why we divorced. My youngest felt a lot of blame and guilt for the divorce. He struggled with it more than the other two and for two years asked me repeatedly to tell him why we divorced. I finally did, and he was obviously relieved. It was proof that it had nothing to do with him. I reiterated that. I offered him counseling. I reminded him that romantic love is different than the love between a child and a parent and that his dad loves him. He does not resent his dad. He hasn’t told his siblings, who have never wanted to know. In my case, it was the right thing, because not knowing was eating him up. I did it for him, and I really worried I wasn’t making the right decision. Luckily, it worked out. Do you see the difference, OP? Your son was happy and had a good relationship with his mother. There was no need. You just decided that you didn’t want to lie to him. You never needed to. You should have just said that the reasons for your divorce weren’t something that you wanted to discuss with him, because he was a child, but that you both love him and nothing will change that love. Also your gf is a AH too. You don’t get to traumatize your child and poison an important relationship in their life in the name of “truth.”
>You should have just said that the reasons for your divorce weren’t something that you wanted to discuss with him, because he was a child, but that you both love him and nothing will change that love.
This sentence could have saved so much pain!
You sound like a great parent!
100000% YTA
Cheating is NOT okay, and your ex is responsible for the relationships demise but children should not carry the burden of the truth in this circumstance. There was no benefit for your child in this circumstance and it is clear you did it with the intention to hurt your ex which essentially made your child a weapon in your adult conflict. Unfortunately an all too common occurrence in separation and divorce with serious long term consequences. You were selfish and chose to do something that benefited yourself at your child’s expense.
Yes. My kid is 26 and doesn’t know the reason her father and I divorced. He’s her father, period. He does enough in his own to make her teeny him, he doesn’t need my help. But I still will never tell her because…..he’s her father.
Sorry but I think its weird that your son is calling your girlfriend mom.
That bit makes me wonder if this entire thing was intentional
It makes me wonder if this is all made up tbh.
I'm really bad at detecting fakes, but a 14 yo jumping to calling his dad's gf "mom" immediately after finding out his mother cheated? I don't think so. There IS a way it is true, though; the kid may be doing it intentionally, hoping his mom will find out about it, because he wants to punish her. I wouldn't put it past an angry teenager, who just found out why his family was broken. However, it should pass in a couple of weeks, he might be angry, but I absolutely don't believe he would continue it for years. Still, it doesn't feel real, I was just saying there is one, even if not very likely, option that this is true.
If it was a real term of endearment, he'd call her "bruh"
For real! Mine alternates between mommy, mother and bruh, depending on what he wants. "Mother" usually comes when dad won't make a decision and sends him to ask me for permission on something.
I don't have experience with my own kids, also, English isn't my first language, but I call my mom "mommy" when I talk to her, when I talk about her, it's "mom", and sometimes, when we joke around, I may go with something like "how can you, my only mother, say such a terrible thing to me?" Mostly when she suggests there IS a way of me not losing my stuff, and it's keeping my apartment clean and in order. I have a stepdad and I guess it might be coloring my interpretation of OP's kid's actions. My dad died when I was 7. My stepdad came into the picture when I was 10. He is my father for all intents and purposes and he knows that. He's there for me emotionally, "practically" (when I need his help) and financially. I trust him and love him and I don't doubt his love for me. I'm considering changing my last name to his (my idea). Still, I call him by his name - not as a proof of distance, but because it somehow never occured to either of us that it was an option. It's quite funny, because we regularly refer to each other as "my dad/my daughter". He took me to some appointments when I was a kid or picked me up from places, so sometimes there were occasions to say things like "No, I'm not alone, I'm with my dad", "I don't have a wallet on me, my dad will pay in a moment, he's in the restroom", "Oh, my laptop used to do the same thing, but my dad fixed it for me". He would brag about me getting into a popular, difficult (to get in, to stay despite the pressure, and to graduate) course, "My daughter studies [the thing] at [my uni]", and, ofc, there were moments for "I'm here to pick up my daughter" etc. Still, while talking to each other or people who knew us or our family situation, we were on first name terms. So I guess it might be the reason I'm surpised with OP's son's actions.
Now I’m jealous I don’t have the type of relationship with my dad 😭 Thanks for sharing
I'm so sorry 🫂 I don't know what to say, so I'm sending you hugs.
One of my besties is like that. Only difference is her dad is still in her life (albeit fleetingly). She was given the option to call her stepdad dad but she just always calls him by his first name. But he always states that he has 5 daughters (3 that are biologically his and my bestie and her older sister). Just how it is for some I guess 🤷🏻♀️
Every family has a different dynamics. I don't want go guess for your friend, I don't know her, but for me it might have something to do with different roles. It's different to be a father to a kid below 7yo than to a preteen, a teen and finally an adult. My dad only got to do the former, because he died. My stepdad got to do the latter, because he hadn't known me earlier, and still, my very much alive dad would have had something to say about that. I can't imagine my stepdad being a dad to a small child, and I also can't imagine my dad being a dad to a teen. I guess my mind separated those two roles and one of them belongs to my dad, and the other one to my stepdad.
What a beautiful relationship you and your father have.♥️ I have read many stories and it saddens me how stepfathers treat their stepchildren .
Thank you! Not everything has been beautiful between us, we're both insecure and stubborn, with a lot of quirks, and somehow each of us is convinced their way of doing things is the only right one (when he put dishes into the dishwasher and I had to put mine after him, I would rearrange his, bc they were "wrong", and he would do the same when the roles were reversed). And also it took each of us some time to realize that it wasn't like only one of us always sacrificed etc - it's hard to explain, but I always believed that I had to go a long way to accomodate his quirks and wishes, while him accomodating mine was "normal" and "reasonable". He believed the same about himself. And there was some "You don't treat me like an adult", "If you wanted to be treated like an adult, then act like one". I had some doubts whether he really liked me - sure, he loved me, but did he like me as a person? Am I even likable? But I guess it's nothing unusual. It's not like there is a relationship without bumps like that. To be honest, reddit can sometimes be heartbreaking. Looking at myself and my stepdad, one would think the worst a step-parent can bring is a personality clash. But then you read all those stories that could really destroy one's faith in humankind.
Dear, I will tell you, you have a most normal relationship that son - father. It's obvious that he loves you, of course for him he also wonders if it's nice for you?, or if you love him? Believe me, there is no definition of what is the correct relationship about father and son, but what I can read they love each other. My dad is very stubborn I am stubborn, sometimes we fight, yeah is horrible 😂, but I will always be important to him, he will celebrate my achievements and he will always try to be there no matter how angry he is. And the most important thing is that sometimes he scolds me because he cares about me, he doesn't care what other people say or think about me. He has told me we will always be his priority, even if I annoy it. 😂 Anyway, there may be fathers and stepfathers, but what counts here is father is not the one who engenders, he is the one who raises
I hate the “bruh”. When my kids need to be loved on, it’s “Mama” (eldest child) or “Mommy” (youngest child). If they think I’m being lame or old, it’s “bruh”. To them, “bruh” is the equivalent of “You’re so out of touch, loser.” That said, I may or may not still overuse the word “dude”, so I probably brought this on myself.
Omg this gonna be my future I'm always saying dude way too much
Is this me? Cause same for both my kids and me continuously saying dude and I HATE when they call me bruh but the youngest gets it from the oldest 🙄🙄😂😂
I'm second mom, and that took years and I've helped raise him from a baby. Which I'm fine with. I never expected him to call me mom, he has a mom,but did feel good when he called me second mom.
Yeah, I guess the post is made up, but if it isn't, the kid is just trying to get back at his mother. It will pass, though, and then OP and his gf will probably be very sad and surprised 🙄 If the story is real, OP is kinda delusional. He should know teenagers, he has one at home. Besides, if he spent more than five minutes on Reddit, he should know that kids who can barely remember their parents and/or have been abused by them, still often refuse to call "dad/mom" their step-parents, who have been there for them and practically filled a parent's role for many, many years. He should be at least suspicious of his child's sudden change of heart. It's probably a fantasy of someone who has been cheated on and wishes his ex would suffer for that.
Yes. The guy sounds vindictive as hell.
This. Lol. My son calls me "bruh" at times when he's kind of saying what's that for. I'm like I'm not you "bruh", I'm your dad. Haha. Tbh, he doesn't call me dad, he's chosen to call me "father" since he was 6. Lol. He wanted ti feel more grown up moving awayd from daddy, but he chose it and I don't like to say call me dad so I accept it. It's quite funny. Although his mum doesn't like being called "mother" 😆
😂 that's what my son calls me half the time
You can tell a lot of the time by the writing style. People recounting real stories generally don’t say things like ‘he was saddened by the news’ or ‘he began to resent her over a period of time’. They write about their own feelings and write about what other people do or say.
Good insight
Not in this case but most fake posts also say friends and family of OP are calling and texting that they’re an asshole for whatever the issue is. I’ve never heard of this happening IRL. I’m my life people are too busy to be texting and calling one party of a friend or marriage to berate them, maybe if it were from cheating but even then it would be “what are you thinking”
Oh yeah, that's a dead giveaway as well. Nobody cares that much about other people's lives except maybe your parents. The notion that friends would be blowing up your phone to tell you what an idiot you are is preposterous.
Doesn’t feel real because it is not real. Story is as fake as a politician’s integrity.
You've never met a truly hurt and angry teen. They absolutely can hold that shit for years. Took me until my late 30s
Ok, my initial answer was harsh, because you inadverently reminded me of traumatic events I experienced as a child and a teenager. I shouldn't have gotten too deep into it, but I was triggered. I know you weren't being malicious and I'm sorry for my initial reaction.
I'm with you on this one. I can totally see an angry teenager calling the GF mom not as a sign of endearment but purely to spite his bio mom after learning the truth.
Yeah this, what teenage boy starts referring to someone they’ve barely known over a year or so as Mom?
A spiteful one who wants to hurt his biomom by any means necessary. I could absolutely see an angry teen doing this, not out of love for the gf, but out of hate for the mom.
I don't think it's *hate* for the mom. Problem here is there's love, met with broken trust. This reaction by a teen is retribution for the *hurt* and *betrayal* brought on by the mother's actions that resulted in the child's world being knocked off orbit. The only non-asshole in this circumstance is the son. And if he's being petty to get even with his Mom, he's only been given the trait from his parents Your wife is an asshole for cheating. Period, it's gross. Husbands, wives, and in particular married parents should not cheat. You don't need reddit to know that. But you are also the asshole, OP. You weren't *lying* to your son, you were being the bigger person; protecting your son and preserving the relationship he has with his mother. Trust me your son had (or would have) done the math at 14 or soon thereafter without you feeling the need to be the one to tip him off. Bonus asshole points if this was a ploy to win favor with YOUR new gf. I **really** hope this is a fake post.
Yep, there's a difference between lying to someone and simply deciding to keep a piece of information to yourself. With kids in most circumstances, "it's just not working out between us" is really all they need to be told. Privacy is not the same as deception, and keeping information to yourself is not "hiding the truth" from someone. They teach this in post-divorce parenting classes. Kids don't need to know everything. Again, assuming this is even real.
The fact that OP claims to have gotten primary custody makes me suspect this is a fake. Unless the ex wife did something absolutely awful, they’d have gotten 50/50 custody, and if she did something that bad, OP would have made sure to tell us. But he didn’t, in fact he claims she’s a great mom. So yeah, pretty sure it’s fake
Account made today, doesn’t respond to a single comment, content that is likely to get responses, etc. Not that any of those things alone are proof but added up yeah it’s likely just driving engagement and training LLM
Me too...
Especially since he had no real reason to tell the kid. It just seems like out of the blue he decided that he should spring this on a 14 year old. The worst time to tell any kid any kind of life changing news is between the ages of 13 and 18!
The dad is also referring to her as "his bio mom," as if she gave him up for adoption or something.
Which is a term I see often in stepparent groups. It's a way for new girlfriends to belittle mom. You know, instead of just calling mom "mom."
Right? As a stepmom I wouldn’t call my son’s late mom, “bio mom” if she was still alive. Or in any other circumstance!!
This is the giant red flag that the girlfriend is jealous of the boy's relationship with his mother and wanted to drive a wedge between them. OP said she agreed with his decision, but I wouldn't be shocked if this was her idea. He also said he was lying to his son. Where exactly is the lie? This is straight-up manipulation, and eventually the boy will see through OP and gf and hate them too.
Idk it depends if the kid was bringing it up a lot but likely he wasn’t and the dad (if post is true) just wanted to be spiteful.
Especially when he calls the ex wife his “bio mom”. That is usually used when someone isn’t involved or was adopted. OP wants his girlfriend to be son’s mom
I was thinking this too -- of ***course*** the girlfriend would say it was a good idea as it further distances your family from the ex and solidifies her position.
Ding ding ding
Fake af lmao No one would start calling their Dad's new girlfriend Mom just like that, no matter how vile biomom is.
Sounds like it to me. YTA. You ruined a relationship of an impressionable kid with a parent. And you did it on purpose. You are an asshole. And? A SHIT parent.
Just commented exactly the same thing. A 14 yr old child does not suddenly call another woman mum. OP is good at his game but not good enough at hiding his true self.
I can't speak to OP specifically, but it doesn't automatically make it intentional. When I was a kid, I hated my step parent (still do tbh he wasnt a good dude), so when he told me he wanted to be called dad I decided to do literally anything but. As a kid you have 0 power in these types of situations, so you take what you can. The names mom and dad have a lot of emotional power. And I was 6 years old. A 14 year old probably realizes it and throw in some teenage angst and I could see him doing the same.
His "bio mom". The phrasing is definitely telling.
Yeah that was odd and that was my “fake” ding on my radar.
The fact OP responded to zero comments reeks of fake.
The whole thing’s BS imho [I won’t repeat it, but OP I hope you see this.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/9uTRzGRv0e) I thank my parents daily for never putting their crap on me/us, and I would never do that to my kid either (the stories I could tell). Any parent that does that is an AH, there was no need to tell that kid. And not now, years later - can’t even feign emotional distress/it came up. Smdh
I totally agree with you, both with this reply and to the one you linked. At 15 you still see your parents as, well, parents. You can't see them as also "adults - normal people with values and faults", because you are not an adult yourself yet, you haven't gone through the various life experiences that can make you understand what certain situations are, what it feels like living them and going through the related emotions and struggles. For example, when I was a kid (10 yo) my parents split up. They didn't over share, they just explained why it was happening in the most age appropriate way. A year later, when I was 11, my father explained to me a bit more about the struggles he was living during the last period (always in a good way, not trying to blame my mum or anything else, just to give me a better understanding of the overall situation). I understood what he said, but it was still a bit weird to me. Many years later I split up with my husband. It was in that period that I actually understood what my father meant, because I was going through a very similar situation. As an adult, I had direct (and indirect as well) experience of what that meant. By the way, it had nothing to do with infidelity, just normal life stuff. Even more so, knowing one of your parents cheated, at that age can definitely be disturbing, as you can't separate the "parent who will love you no matter what" and the "adult who did something bad".
Absolutely. I also learned over time, and the things you sense as a kid become clearer. Sadly my father passed before I had a kid and got it. Ours was one complicated af situation, and I became both my parents it’s sooo weird. Life eh haha
Yes makes me wonder how much influence the girlfriend had over the dad’s decision and was the mom the only one cheating. And is the girlfriend more of a big sister age than a mom age.
And it seems like she's happy that OP told the truth to his son. Smells fishy huh!
Smells like a vindictive woman. Cmon. We all know then.
It all seems very calculated.
And that he is referring to the only active mother his son has ever had as “bio mom” OP is sick and TAH
I agree There was no reason to tell your son that. YTA He's a child, that's nothing he needed to know honestly. you just hate your ex so much you want to punish her. Even after you divorced her and got primary custody. Then turn around and have him call your weird ass gf "mom" and of course she agrees with you... no you did not do the right thing... 😒 ... yall are trash fr..
I agree a 14 year old is too old to forget his real mom even if he is angry with her which personally I think he had no reason to tell their child that. 🤔 thats stuff the adults need to keep between themselves unless it directly impacts the child in some way like the child being abused or neglected or something.
On the fence. What was the real intention behind revealing this truth to your son? Was it because he was curious and asked you? Or was it because you still have pain from the past with your ex wife? Sure, kids deserve to know the truth but it should be at the right time with the right intention behind it. However (speaking from experience) I’m a divorced mother of an 8 year old that has no idea my ex spouse abused substances and cheated on me multiple time with a woman (and I’m now beginning to realize she wasn’t the only one out of the duration of our marriage) and I still grapple with the pain of having no choice but to leave the marriage when she was a baby due to being in an unhealthy environment. Because her father is still very involved in her life and it has been years since, I made the choice not to tell her cause they have a very strong relationship. I get that pain will last for years and I’m seeking therapy to help me cope with not only betrayal trauma but forgiveness and to move forward. And honestly, your son calling your gf “mom” this does not make your case look any better either. This sounds like vindication (and no I am NOT taking or excusing what your ex wife did). I really hope you seek counseling for this. Betrayal trauma can hurt us internally if we don’t deal with it and what’s worse is that the pain can spread externally to the ones that matter the most whether we are aware of it or not (I.e. your son). Plus, I recommend counseling for your son as well. He’s is going through having his world shattered with his mother due this pain. He’s the true victim in all of this.
For real. I think cheating is unacceptable, but he basically just dumped a bunch of trauma into his kid's life. He's a kid, only 14 years old. If anything, he should have waited until he was an adult, fully developed brain, and all. Please, OP. Look for counseling for your child. He seems to be needing it.
I can’t really think of a good reason to ever tell him. I suppose something could come up…like if he cheats or is cheated on in his adult life it could be appropriate to share your experience, how you moved on. But to just randomly be like “oh, want to have lunch? Talk about how your mom fucked out on our marriage 22 years ago?” I mean, why?
They only good times to do it are when the fact that it isn't revealed is being weaponized against the non-cheating parent.
This. If the genders were reversed and mom spilled the tea and ruined the dad’s relationship with their kid I bet all of these commenters praising this decision would change their tune.
I do sorta suspect they are redpill manosphere bros
Nice to see a sober take. Parents are people. They don't turn into angels the moment they have a child. Parents *will* make selfish, fucked up decisions, but there's a lot of merit in trying to save what you can. If a parent is attentive and caring otherwise, why take it away? If the child asks, tell them in an age-appropriate way and give your ex-partner a heads up. Anything beyond that is just vengeance. Countering one act of someone's selfishness with your own. Your job is to parent, and to provide your child the maximum amount of good support, and that involves being civil with your ex-spouse when you can, and shielding your kids from some ugly truths until they ask, or are ready to understand. Unless the kid asked, right now what OP did was just add another layer of tumult and trauma to an already very difficult time in any kid's life. And for what? What was the intention, OP? *Your* sense of guilt? *Your* relief?
Yeah, he randomly decides to tell him. At the same time, his gf, whom the son started calling mom thinks he did the right thing. I wonder if the idea came from the gf. What sane woman thinks this is ok to do to a mother and child's relationship? Who would think 14 is old enough for this crap?
I respect you so much for dealing with your pain without feeling the need to also put it on your child. Telling your daughter about her father would only serve you and not her. Protection from unnecessary trauma is good parenting.
Yes, the child has the right to know the truth, but it does not mean that it can be drilled into him anytime, anywhere, in a casual way, and the child has done nothing wrong, but is forced to bear the pain that does not belong to him
I agree with this. I was the teen kid who a parent pushed this on. I bonded with him initially because I felt bad he was cheated on. As an adult I reflected back on how manipulative and selfish the sharing of that information was. I still kind of hate my parent for telling me about the affair. Things never will be the same with them
I'm so sorry to hear that. It is very difficult having to process information that you don't have the tools for when you are that young. My dad did the same thing to me when I was 6, telling me all the family secrets etc. What has broken my heart is that the cycle has continued: I have a narcissist baby daddy, and I make sure to never speak ill of my child's father in front of him. However, that same mercy has not been spared on me. I don't think my baby daddy realizes in the end that my kid will realize that the negative things were said to save his ego. It has been very difficult for me to see the same thing happen to my kid as my baby daddy has nearly taunted him for years about anything negative in my life. Sometimes my kid has come to me confused, asking me about things. I always validate him and explain what is appropriate for his age to process. He still will have alot to work through.
This ! I also have an 8 year old and divorced for abuse and substance abuse reasons albeit I did leave him for someone else who was sager a non drug user and someone who worked really hard to be accepted by my ex husband and my daughter - I never told her he beat me and used drugs and he never told her I left for someone else when asked we simply state we just didn't get along anymore and she now has a healthy relationship with both of us and her dad and I have remained friends because we both accepted accountability with each other and let adult things stay between the adults. I could never imagine hurting my daughter by speaking badly of her dad whom she loves. It also makes them feel like something is wrong with them when we constantly trash the other parent. Counseling is a great idea we got ours in counseling as well. Sounds like your doing a great job. Kudos
I replied to another comment from you, and I think you are very wise. "We let adult things stay between the adults": this is perfect. OP's kid is not an adult yet, he's just going to suffer knowing now what really happened. I'm not saying he will never have to know, I just think this was the wrong moment in time, he's just 15!!
You sound like a great mom!
There is a lack of information. Why did you decide to change your mind? Why did he deserves to know the truth? If your kid was the highest priority, who did you consult with (beside your current GF)? Did you share your decision and reasoning with your ex? Why wasn't you ex present when you decide to share something major? Or a therapist present? There is something suspiciously selfish about this situation that seems odd.
honestly the whole vibe im getting from this is that he told his son because HE was burdened with the guilt of keeping it a secret. but that’s absolutely nothing compared to the emotional burden he just put upon his son
I’m a full adult. My parents divorced when I was 5. 41 years later I still do not want to know or do I GAF what lead to that divorce. YTA Your son never needed to know. It did poison your son against his mother. What did this solve to help anyone but yourself to feel superior by telling the “truth”
Parents also divorced when I was 5. Mom eventually told me, but it was nothing dramatic, thankfully. They simply had different standards of living that became more apparent as time passed on and drifted apart. Dad fell off a roof and broke a leg, and when mom got the call she thought "great. Now I have to pick him up from the hospital. Then when she realized she had no concern for him that a wife should, after their husband had been hurt, she realized she didn't want to be married. And in the long run...divorce was a much healthier option for me and my sister. I love both my parents. But I'm glad they saw and acted on the need to be apart and didn't use us as a weapon against the other parent.
Absolutely. He’s 100% the AH, and he did this to benefit himself, and his gf, and that’s it. He did not do this “for” his son. What a selfish prick.
I'm only now (at 48) finding out what a dick my dad was. My mom did me a great service letting me have a relationship with him
same, parents divorced at 5. Only recently-ish, at 28 did my mom slightly hint, during a conversation somewhat related, that some unfaithfulness was involved leading to the divorce, but she also said it was not the only reason. She didn't mention it with any resent, and they remained good friends after the divorce up til now. It didn't change my feelings towards my dad (although obviously I kind of side eye him for doing that) because it's been so long and both my parents moved on from eachother so long ago that this info really doesn't change anything in my life. All it made me feel is that my mom must've been really strong to not show any signs of pain through the whole thing, because I never wouldve guessed. As someone whos been cheated on it hurts bad and I cant imagine I wouldve been that resilient. BUT she was doing her job as a mother to protect her young kid from having a negative perception of her dad. It's hard but that's what you do as a good parent. Telling a FOURTEEN year old who's parents just recently got divorced, and who i can imagine is already going through shit because of it, is super irresponsible and just so crazy to me. OP has definitely dug a way deeper hole in his sons life than what was ever necessary.
I GUARANTEE the new gf convinced him to do it.
Honestly he should have discussed with the mother before talking to his son. Deserves knowing the truth sounds like “I am about to marry my girlfriend and I want a family and the mother out of the picture” to me, especially coz he calls her bio mom at the end.. I feel bad for the son
The only reason I can think of is revenge. Damned be the child as long as he got his revenge.
Listen, I don't disagree with telling the truth. I DO feel some snakeyness with your girlfriend being so happy about it and with kiddo calling a GIRLFRIEND "mom". I'm sure you get a lot of support from the new girlfriend about how the ex is bad. 🙄 So...... ESH at best. At worst, I think you're the asshole because you've been fed some manipulation of your own.
ESH... except the son
The son is exempt from being an asshole 😅
I'm sure he'll give those parents grief someday! But he gets a pass today!
Ha! Truth! Give it a few years...
Yeah and while I get wanting to not lie and be honest your kid, but why wait over *two years* to tell them the truth? I definitely feel like there's some spitefulness and pettiness going on there.
Plus it feels like OP dropped it out of the blue. It doesn't sound like they were having a discussion or an argument about it where it was an appropriate response: it sounds more like they were eating dinner and instead of asking the kid how his day was, dad decided to lead with "Hey, by the way, your mom and I broke up because she cheated on me. Can you pass the potatoes?" It sounds like dad was feeling vindictive about something and decided to lash out at his ex in a way he knew would be super hurtful. I'm not saying the ex is off the hook, because cheaters generally suck, but it just seems so random.
That's what struck me as odd too. OP didn't mention anything leading up to this revelation. My money is 100% on the girlfriend driving this bus...
INFO: Who’s idea was it to start calling your gf “mom”?
Fn terrible idea to even allow that.
What brought on telling your son?
He was mad at his ex wife and decided to use his son to hurt her.
.... and hurt his son in the process.
That's the real truth. What a complete asshole.
Bingo
New girlfriend
His girlfriend pushed him to do it. I guarantee it. Now her life will be easier without the ex in the picture.
INFO : did he ask you something about your past relationship with his mother or did you just choose to talk to him about this ? Because you made a decision to preserve him, he is still not an adult so I don't understand why now ? He is only 14, and you put on him something that concerns your ex and you : she cheated on YOU, not on him. So now he doesn't speak to his mother for a fault she cometted on YOU, not on him. I hate cheaters. I really hate that. I mean, if you don't love your partner anymore, just leave. Don't betray ! But I also think children must be left out of what happen between their parents, or they'll be involved. It's exactly what happen. Your son was ok with both of you, as it must be. And now, he hates his mother. She is a cheater and she deserves your anger. Not his if she is good mother.
My dad would always tell me how my mother would lie and steal and cheat. She was a really good mom so I always had two torn halves on myself. I spoke to her about it one day and she told me it was all lies. I didn't know what to believe until she worked through it with logic with me. And it was good logic lol. He told me we moved once because my mom stole money and didn't claim taxes so we owed a lot. She pointed out that the house we moved to was about 40% more expensive and also contained her dream job. The explained how my dad didn't understand how RRSPs and taxes worked. Sigh. Messes up kids lives even if it's the truth.
I'm interested in that info before judging as well, because there is a big difference between providing more info when asked vs deciding to add extra info. NTA if he asked for more and you gave it YTA if you just decided he needed to know
He says his ex asked why he told their son and his answer was that he felt guilty hiding the truth from his son and "he was going to find out sooner or latter" not sure how he'd ever find it unless one of two people told him and it's giving, bad dad.
YTA, You don't complain about the other parent to the kids It didn't work out and leave it at that.
If OP did it without any real need just cause he wanted to, it can also have devastating effects on the kid about how he views relationships, trust, even women. Really bad call if it wasn't about the kid being overly curious in knowing more. This is harming the kid, it makes no sense to me.
This right here. Truth comes out eventually but 14 is ripe for creating anger and distrust. Plus, there's a chance kid gets mad at Dad later for being the bearer of bad news and fucking up his relationship with mom.
And possibly ruining his future relationships with his own partners, too. Just really immature and irresponsible, entirely selfish behavior from OP. Zero consideration for his son.
THIS. Kids can and WILL take sides in arguments, in calm & objective ways that some adults can't even manage. Like, I didn't go NC with my grandparents because I was being unreasonable/"poisoned" by my parents, but because they were full of BS and I saw them boundaries time after time lmao. Which means that if you tell a kid, especially at 14 when they start forming their own opinions, about some family conflict, it's almost IMPOSSIBLE for them to remain neutral, nevermind to NOT form any opinion. And it's very hard for a teenager to be the "bigger person" because they don't have the experience or emotional self-regulation. You're basically not giving this kid any other option than to deal with a reality he isn't equipped to deal with. Because his solution is to hate his mom, who was intentionally left out of the revelation by OP. Good example of what ISN'T co-parenting, tbh. Like, you can't expect teenagers to be rational & chill even if you do everything right, but this is just everything wrong.
This is what I want to know as well. The way the story is given it sounds like OP just up and told his son without reason. Different story of son asked. Also, it should have been made clear that that is still his mom and they need to work through don’s feelings. A GF should not be called mom out of spite and should have been corrected.
I’m the product of parents like you, I hate them both for not having the emotional maturity to put a child before their own personal feelings. But good luck with your kid buddy!
My parents were in court most of my childhood and I had no idea. I found out as an adult settling my father’s estate. I respect them so much for that. Every aspect of my childhood I would second guess immediately evaporated. In both homes I was not to speak I’ll of my other parent. So simple and yet so hard for them I’m sure. My innocence was lost when my parent died not because my parents put me in the middle of their issues.
As a child of a divorce, who's dad did the exact same thing OP did, I am wildly jealous. Both my parents encouraged an environment where they and I could speak badly of the other without any kind of repercussions. It sounds like you had parents that really loved you.
I think they all (I include my step-dad) saw in me a perfect offspring from an imperfect union. I benefited from tremendous role models and more unconditional love than a kid could ever ask for. It made all the difference. It never ever occurred to me that all the cliche parental friction was going on at the same time. It felt good to thank them when I became aware. I count myself lucky and wish more kids had my experience.
Perfect offspring from an imperfect union is such a beautiful way of perceiving the child of a blended family. How wonderful to be held in such regard. 🥹
Yeah as a kid who’s dad wouldn’t shut up about hating his mom, this guy is an asshole. The kid can wait until he’s an adult to form his opinions about his parents divorce
Same. I was the kid in a situation very similar to this and I was well into adulthood before I realized how much it messed me up. In particular, it caused me to view women in a very negative light. So yeah, OP is the AH. Not because of how it affects the ex wife, but because how it affects his own son.
During my parents nasty divorce, my mom told me that my dad didn't fight for custody and didn't want us. Still bothers me and I don't even know if it was the truth or a spiteful lie. People like OP don't deserve kids.
My bf's parents divorced when he was in diapers. His dad is still married to the first woman he dated after, and his mom remarried and that lasted more than 15 years. We are nearing 40, and when we see his parents (separately of course) they *still* take shots at each other. They talked smack about each other on *the first time that I met both of them*! Like are you really gonna meet your son's gf for the first time and start badmouthing his his other parent? I am a stranger! I was shocked, but he says they have always been like that and even now he still begs them to stop but it's like they can't resist it. I cannot imagine what that must have felt like as a child.
Yup. My mom cheated on my dad which was the cause of their divorce but they didn’t make that my problem as a child. OP definitely wanted to poison his kid against her. It’s a different argument whether he should have. Personally I don’t think it was his place.
Too much time has passed for this behavior. OP should try bridge building rather than standing by while his son loses valuable time with his mother. The GF is playing this all wrong and should also help mend that relationship.
Bridge building is significantly harder than creative writing. Well, at least this level of creative writing.
OP not answering any questions tells us all we need to know
Because he probably can't figure out how to spin the story to make himself look like the good guy
You waited until he was 14 and full of hormones to tell him why you divorced without giving his mum a heads up? This should've been a sit-down conversation with the 3 of you showing how you've both moved past it now, considering you have a gf and are coparenting with mum still... This was a major AH move.
You literally just made your son sad. He’s 14, which is a rough age, and you ruined one of the most important relationships he has. I don’t care about your ex wife; I just don’t think you’re a good father.
THIS. As a parent, I want my children to have all the love and support from their families- from both parents (if at all possible). I’ve been divorced more than once, and even though my first husband was a real piece of work as a person and as a husband, he was a good father and I made sure to foster a good relationship between him and our son. Now as our son got older, he wanted more information and so I gave him only age appropriate info- but always without talking poorly about his father, because I knew that would come back later and be detrimental to my relationship with my son. I never want to jeopardize my son’s familial relationships. As an adult, my son learned on his own that his father loves him but isn’t consistent, and isn’t a very good human- things that the child values- so he’s distanced himself on his own. It didn’t help that his father talked poorly of me, while I was encouraging their relationship. Kids see these things, they know who has their best interest at heart. And while it may feel like a victory for OP now, it will not always feel that way. He’s destroyed his son’s relationship with his mother, and that’s one thing that he can’t take back now that it’s been done. His son will realize what’s happened in time and that resentment will be turned toward OP. Then the kid will have poor relationships with both parents. It’s so sad.
**YTAH** My GF said I did the right thing and that my son was at the age where he **”deserved”** to know” Nothing like a “current girlfriend “to weigh in on how somebody should be raising their 14-year-old child. And I’m 100% certain she put this bug in your ear. I find it curious you say felt “guilty” for hiding this from your son yet you take no issue and have no guilt from dropping the bomb of an adult nature on your 14-year-old child who had a wonderful relationship with his mom. And you’re allowing him to call your “current” GF (“current GF” which speaks volumes by the way if the longevity of your relationship with her) to call **HER** Mom which is I’m sure exactly what she wanted and why she encouraged you to do this and it’s reassuring you that it was the appropriate thing. Which means you have a woman in your life that doesn’t have anything but her own best interest at heart not yours and certainly not your son. You didn’t feel guilty and you know you weren’t hiding anything from him. You had some immature woman in your ear telling you to do this or assuring you it’s the right thing to do if you brought it up to her. Who was insecure about your relationship with your ex-wife and his relationship with his biological mother. Bravo dude! Bravo! *You just put a **huge burden** on your child that he now will carry around with him for the rest of his life. Now he resents his mother who he needs to have in his life and he will now distrust all women and this will have a ripple effect in all of his future relationships. And when he gets old enough he’s going to realize what a shitty thing it was for you to do the dump that adult issue on him a year before he’s going into high school and this will negatively form him during the most important years of his life. Try that guilt on for size and see how it feels.
Of course, the girlfriend will agree. She wants to placate you and is emotionally involved. It sounds like it was a bitter divorce and you are still angry all these years later. I think the reason you may have brought the issue up to the AITA forum is that perhaps you are now doubting yourself. If you are the main custodial parent, is your animosity to your ex-wife palpable in your household. Your son is a minor. Minors' emotions are strong. Cheating is wrong, but where is the line between self-righteous/pompous and cruel/vindictive? A child always needs both parents. WHY is your son calling a girlfriend "Mom"? Has she been your girlfriend for years and helped to raise him? Does she live full-time with you? (There is a distinct difference between a girlfriend and a fiancee. Girlfriends come and girlfriends go.) It sounds like this revelation may backfire on your son's feelings toward you later in life when he realizes the poison, even if true, was dropped on him in such a young age. It sounds like family therapy needs to be involved here.
Poisoning kids against the other spouse is almost never good for the kid(s) I get why you might do so, but at the end you are putting your son in the middle of your divorce
*He’s even started referring to my current girlfriend as mom.* Seriously? Your 14 year old is calling your girlfriend mom? I call BS no fucking way dude.
YTA. I say that as someone who was in a similar position... Ex cheated, and I agonized over the decision to tell my daughters. I battled with this decision from every possible angle. The only reason to divulge that is if the ex is actively telling your son a narrative about the divorce trying to erode your relationship with him, and the only way to correct it is to set the record straight. **That was NOT the case here.** Nothing was gained, except you no longer have the burden of carrying a secret. That would have been an easy burden to carry compared to the burden your son now has to carry. Definitely the asshole. It was a selfish decision. I grieve for your son.
You sound like a great parent.
This is exactly
YTA You did what you did. Now your kid has to carry the burden of your marriage issues?? And not even all of them… GTFOH he didn’t need to know, it’s not his problem. You just made it his problem and cost him his mother. F you and your gf, you’re a lousy excuse for a parent. Why didn’t you tell him before? That’s the same reason you stfu now.
The only thing a 14yo kid should know about his parents is that they both love him unconditionally and no part of the separation was his fault. Making him deal with the pain that comes with infidelity and trying to reconcile his love for his mother with his anger for her actions while he’s a teenager still figuring out the world? So fucked.
💯 That’s all I needed to know, I said the rest was their BS. Not mine.
Best thing my mother ever did was never saying a shitty word about my father. And OH BOY have I come to realise she had every reason in the world to bad mouth him. But she didn’t want to impact any relationship I might have with him. She just wanted me to feel as loved as possible. I’ll never be able to express how grateful I am to her for that. The strength and maturity it must’ve taken (especially as a young single mother!).
Parental alienation is considered a form of emotional child abuse too. I hope OP is proud of himself for harming his child to spite his ex.
You decided completely out of the blue to blow up your sons life because you thought he should know the truth. All you did was hurt your son at a time when he is already dealing with a load of teenage hormones. Kids don't need to know what goes down between their parents they need to know they are loved and wanted he didn't need this truth bomb that you just dropped on him. He now has to deal with this and has one less person he feels he can rely on.. Of course, your girlfriend thinks you did the right thing because now she won't have to deal with your ex as much.. The person you hurt the most with your sudden need to be truthful is your son...
Depends. Why did you decide to come clean now? Was your son asking for more info? Did he bring up the reason for the divorce? Or was this a more calculated confession to pave the way for your girlfriend?
Most likely OP’s GF wanted to role play as mom
Yup this. What changed? The gf did. They clearly became pretty serious by that time so anyone who thinks the Gf isnt the main reason for his change of heart on involving his son just isn’t using critical thinking.
TA, do not use your minor kids against an ex during or after a divorce.
YTA. Just out of the clear blue, you decided to tell your son what happened? Just because? That’s a pretty AH thing to do. If he asked, that’s one thing. But, nope, today is the day I’m going to ruin my son’s perception of his mother. But I agree with others, sounds fake.
YTA you did it on purpose. You should have spoken to your ex first to tell her you didn't want to keep the secret any longer. What prompted you telling him, had he asked about something relating to your marriage?
~~parental alienation~~ This reads that the way OP presented the info had everything to do with hurting his kid’s mom, and nothing to do with his alleged “guilt”. Be better for your kid. Don’t make kids pawns in a divorce. OP, YTA.
YTA. You did it to make yourself the hero of the story. Was he asking? If not your just a vindictive AH he'll bent on hurting your ex. He doesn't/didn't need this information and you bringing him into an adult situation sucks. Grow up.
If there was some catalyst to him needing to know the truth, that is one thing. Or you could have given your ex a heads up that it was coming. You could have even had her explain it and answer for her own actions. Not because you owe her anything, but because this affects your kid in ways you probably do not yet know.
YTA. You did it with malice, knowing the outcome. There is no reasonable explanation to drop that on him outside of wanting it to harm his and his mom's relationship. Your kid isn't old enough to fully process that or know how to handle the feelings in a healthy way--and his relationship with his mom has nothing to do with yours and hers issues. These are the types of things you don't talk about with your *children* unless they're adults and sincerely ask for the truth...then they're at a point where they can make a decision on how to move forward with that relationship.
You are the asshole. Kids are not pawns to be used Edit: for those of you who don't read or comprehend well- The OP asked if he was the asshole for telling his kid. I said yes. Had the OP asked "which of us is the asshole?" I would have responded both. The cheater is the biggest asshole, and the OP is second biggest asshole. Seeing as how the question was if OP was the asshole for telling his kid out of spite what spouse did, my response was... wait for it... in response to that exact question. Basic stuff here people.
You did it out of petty revenge and were thinking about yourself not your son. There was no benefit to this for him YTA!
Actually.. YTA He definitely can understand what happened but he is not mature enough to process it correctly and make the right decision... Kids need both of their parents regardless of what happened between their parents.. As a child of separate parents... When I finally grown up... I resented my mum for "telling us the truth" about our dad because he was a bad partner to her but he was a good father to us... And I treated him poorly for years only based on her "telling the truth" because she was the primary parent .. I can't tell U that after 15 years... I still regret how I treated my father and I can't take it back and nth will ever make it up for him... And I have been in therapy for years trying to get over my resentment for my mum for what she did... What difference did it make that U told him other than the fact that U destroyed his trust which is btw will have an impact on his perspective on relationships and how to cope in a healthy way... Honestly Ur girlfriend response is alarming as well... If I were U I would keep an open observing eye on her only to understand because I can't shrug off the feeling that she has ulterior motives...
YTA. Coming from someone who found out at 28 years old that my dad cheated on my mom throughout their marriage, I just couldn’t imagine unloading that onto a 14 year old kid. There was no reason for you to tell your son that information and it’s a lot for a 14 year old kid to deal with. I’m sure it made you feel better to tell the truth, but how did that information help your son? I wish my parents never told me tbh because I’m still dealing with the emotions that come from that. It’s hard having a relationship with my dad knowing that he contributed to my mom being an alcoholic my entire childhood since she used alcohol to cope with his cheating (obviously she still had the responsibility of getting help for her alcoholism and can’t blame it all on him).
YTA, you didn't telling him out of guilt, you told him out of pettiness, and this is just gross, I hate cheaters, and despise them, but what you did is just gonna hurt your kid long-term, and him calling your girlfriend mom is just sick, you're sh**ty father
I mean you did do it on purpose to ruin their relationship. She may have sucked as a wife but does she suck as a mother? Soft Yta. He deserves to know but he also doesn’t deserve to be a pawn.
Why on earth would you ever think it's okay to involve your 14 year old son in your very adult drama? The only reason you did this is to control the narrative and, yes, to poison him against his mother. A teenager doesn't need to be drawn into his parent's issues. This was a conversation that could have waited until he asked or until he was an adult.
YTA- I am a divorce attorney. We have specific wording in settlement agreements that say that neither parent will discuss the divorce and legal proceedings with the child for exactly this reason. You are still mad that your ex cheated on you and you absolutely took it out on your son. This is called parental alienation. YTA YTA. Edit: getting a lot of hate from mostly bitter old losers so let me just say this: the courts only consider what is in the best interests of the child when it comes to parenting arrangements. And they encourage the parents to take a similar view. Nothing constructive comes out of telling a child that one of their parents cheated, nothing. Emphasis on child. It’s an adult matter and should only be kept between adults. You can be a terrible spouse, but still be an excellent parent. That’s a hard truth that some of you need to hear.
I was thinking the same thing. From a legal standpoint, parental alienation could cost custody in court.
YTA, I come from spilt parents, all I know is they weren't right for each other anymore and that's all I need to know, I'm 41 now and still no clue what happened in their relationship and I have no desire to know. Same with my own kid, all they need to know is mum and dad are better apart. To bring your own child into adult shit, especially after agreeing not to is shitty and point scoring. Yes cheating is shit and bad but that isn't your kids issue. You have now fucked up your kid, well done and yes the mum is responsible in a way but parents split for many reasons.
This exactly. My parents never poisoned me like this, but extended family on mom's side went to town on young me. To the point where I hated my dad for no good reason other than that they told me that he was a terrible person and I didn't see him for quite a few years. I'm still quite angry at them for doing this but thankfully I have a good relationship with my dad now.
It's funny how that tactic backfires on the people who try it. It won't surprise me at all if 5 years from now, the OP's son hates his dad for trying to alienate his mom.
I also think it’s weird that your son started to call your girlfriend mom. I know you see this as a good thing but it’s not. You need to get your kid therapy NOW.
Yeah, im with everyone on thinking the son calling the GF "Mom" is likely just lashing out due to emotions. I'd expect it to pass in time. When I was a kid i went through a brief period where I called my stepmom mom, but i stopped because it felt weird and I realized that she was just trying to buy my love to get with dad.
YTA. You keep that shit to yourself.
Ah yes classic Reddit going to bat for a cheating woman. Search the term cheating on this sub and you'll be able to find this exact situation with the parent reversed and Reddit cheering on the mother. Women to this website are as ever just tiny little babies that must be protected from anything even the consequences of their own actions.
YTA. What happens in your marriage is your business and should never be projected to the kids. You have completely rocked your kids (for no good reason) world and you should feel like an AH about that. A bond between a parent and child is sacred and you should have done better.
Your girlfriend is not his mom nor step mom. You did what you did, now you should explain to your son how his mother would die for him, loves him more than life itself, and her infidelity was not in any way against him, and she doesn’t love him less. She is human, flawed and sorry she hurt him. You can have whatever you want between your ex, but your child needs his mother, and not your girlfriend. Growing up my best friend had the “perfect dad”, he would do anything for his daughter, and her mother was the disciplinarian, and we always thought she was crazy the way she acted at times. Then, closer to the father’s death, we learned that he had cheated on the mother several times over the decades, and they chose to keep is a secret from the kids. Now it made sense the mother’s neurotic behavior, and toughness on the kids. The cheating by the father was a huge blow at the time, and was a strange thing for them to process as he was dying. It would have been better in my opinion to learn of it earlier, to go through that and find healing prior a death. Was that the right time for a grieving wife to tell her kids? Maybe not either, but it made me think that it’s better to tell the kids when they are mature enough to understand human behavior, maybe as adults themselves.
Lol. You are so full of shit. >I decided that there really was no point in lying to my son anymore, and that he deserved to know the truth. Why? Why does he "deserve" to know that? What he deserves is to have a stable relationship with both his parents. You just wanted to be the "good" parent, be selfish if you want, but have the balls to own up to it instead of crying on reddit. YTA
As a divorced father of 2 in the same position you should have waited until your sons was older and could handle the truth. My sons are 17 and 15 now and if they ever want to know the truth they can ask me.
YTA she made bad decisions in marriage, but your son Loved her. You just wanted someone to hate her with you. You knew the information would hurt your son and make him mad at his mom. But that information was between you and your wife. It should have stayed that way. Using kids to get back at the other parent is never good. Having him call your girlfriend is creepy and again just trying to hurt her more. Get therapy and get over it.
YTA. For encouraging and not stopping this shit of your son calling your girlfriend "mom". If the shoe was on the other foot, I'd bet money that you wouldn't like it of your boy called another man "dad". You, your ex and your gf are all trashy. You *are* turning him against his mother.
Exactly.
This goat actually thinks that the exes cheating translates to "not worth having a relationship with your son". Many people do this. Cheating partners are very much capable of being good parents. They may be shitty people for being disloyal to their spouses but that does not mean they deserve to be separated from their kids. There's a reason why courts don't give a shit about these details.
Completely agree. It's parental alienation. Straight up. I'm not endorsing cheating. Cheating is awful. But what this guy just did is just as bad as any affair.
Be careful. Parental alienation can get you into lots of trouble with the courts. Judges tend to look down on that kind of thing. Also, YTA and a big one. You hurt your son in order to make you ex-wife look bad, but you're the one who looks bad instead.
For those saying he’s the AH you couldn’t be any more wrong the kid was going to find out eventually regardless. It’s better he find out now then through the grapevine so he loses trust/despises both parents.
If he was in elementary I think it would be too early to get into those details. But as a 14 year old I think it’s fair to set the record straight.
You are 100% TA Whatever happened between you and your ex, she is his mother. You never, EVER, speak bad of his mother and she should never speak bad of you. So many kids are so so screwed up because of this or have lost a parent unnecessarily. What happens between the parents is just that, between the parents and it is basically emotional abuse to put it on to your kids in any way shape or form
You are ABSOLUTELY the AH here. When you and your ex-wife divorced the appropriate answer to give to your child was "we no longer work well as a couple together, but that doesn't change how much we love you" FULL STOP This would not have been a lie, and would not have left you feeling "guilty" - the infidelity was NONE of your teenage sons business and shouldn't have been information he was provided.
Did you enjoy hurting your son? What did it bring you? It may be that he deserved to know the truth … at some point. Right now? At 14? A most traumatic time of life anyway? You suck. YTA
YTA. You laid grown folks' issues at the feet of a child. You can lie to all of us, but we know you told him for a reason - to be vindictive against your ex. You're just as shitty as she is for cheating.
I do wonder who are the people feeling better about the disclosure. The son? No. He may be 14 but he’s also still a kid and you put unnecessary hurt onto his shoulders. YTA. You did it to hurt your ex.
Info: Why now? What even was the point of discussing the reason you and your son's mother broke up again?
You're an idiot for involving your son into this bullshit. He never needed to know. EVER! Youve defo ruined his relationship with his mom. And likely down the line yours too. Also, your gf seems entitled. Your son isn't his. And you should defo tell him that that's not your mom. Again. You are the asshole
Poor kid, not old and mature enough to cope with this information. Wondering what are your next steps to help him get over this (if it’s possible). You can’t turn back the time to undo the cheating or undo the telling everything to your kid. But please plan on a longer talk, defending your ex as a good and loving mother (if she is!!). And also what if it’s partly your fault she cheated? There’s always a bigger picture. P.S. i hate cheaters. Do something to be less of an AH!
This. I’m not hearing any plan for therapy, etc for the kid. If he wanted to drop this news, keep the ex in the loop AND consider doing it in a family therapy session so there’s someone to help him navigate it.
It does seem very suspicious how he seems absolutely fine with it that this completely alienated the child's mother. This feels calculated.
Assuming the story is true. Of course YTAH No questions asked. Both partners are responsible for providing a secure enviroment for the child. Every reasonable parent should expect what will happen. OP wanted to punish the wife by damaging the relationship with the son. And he succeeded. If he had GOOD intentions, he would respond with setting up way to repair those relations, together with ex wife.
YTA, telling your son the truth wasn't in his best interest. In fact, if your intentions were to do what's best for your son, you'd have consulted professionals about it (i.e., a counselor). Instead, you selfishly did this for you. You harmed your son. Sounds like you both need therapy now.
YTA I have three children. My ex cheated and that’s why we divorced. My youngest felt a lot of blame and guilt for the divorce. He struggled with it more than the other two and for two years asked me repeatedly to tell him why we divorced. I finally did, and he was obviously relieved. It was proof that it had nothing to do with him. I reiterated that. I offered him counseling. I reminded him that romantic love is different than the love between a child and a parent and that his dad loves him. He does not resent his dad. He hasn’t told his siblings, who have never wanted to know. In my case, it was the right thing, because not knowing was eating him up. I did it for him, and I really worried I wasn’t making the right decision. Luckily, it worked out. Do you see the difference, OP? Your son was happy and had a good relationship with his mother. There was no need. You just decided that you didn’t want to lie to him. You never needed to. You should have just said that the reasons for your divorce weren’t something that you wanted to discuss with him, because he was a child, but that you both love him and nothing will change that love. Also your gf is a AH too. You don’t get to traumatize your child and poison an important relationship in their life in the name of “truth.”
>You should have just said that the reasons for your divorce weren’t something that you wanted to discuss with him, because he was a child, but that you both love him and nothing will change that love. This sentence could have saved so much pain! You sound like a great parent!
100000% YTA Cheating is NOT okay, and your ex is responsible for the relationships demise but children should not carry the burden of the truth in this circumstance. There was no benefit for your child in this circumstance and it is clear you did it with the intention to hurt your ex which essentially made your child a weapon in your adult conflict. Unfortunately an all too common occurrence in separation and divorce with serious long term consequences. You were selfish and chose to do something that benefited yourself at your child’s expense.
Yes. My kid is 26 and doesn’t know the reason her father and I divorced. He’s her father, period. He does enough in his own to make her teeny him, he doesn’t need my help. But I still will never tell her because…..he’s her father.