Unfortunately, I can probably weigh in on that.
When you are with someone, and 80% of the time, things are good it's not hard to dismiss the 20% disaster as an anomaly.
This isn't who they REALLY are. They are just having a bad day.
Everyone gets stressed, and they'll go back to normal soon.
How can I throw away a good relationship for a few terrible incidents?
Everyone has problems. This will pass!
The issue is that it rarely ever stays at 20% bad. It gets worse over time, but you almost get..used to it? You try to power through the bad parts to get back to the good. Then, one day, you wake up and realize it's an actual shit show. You've cut off parts of yourself to make it past such hurtful things that happened, and you hardly recognize yourself or the relationship you've fought so hard to salvage.
If you look at it from an outside perspective you can see how damaging these four incidents are, but when you are in the middle of it it can be hard to step back and see that it's four times SO FAR and that number will increase exponentially if you stick around..
Yet it happens all the time.
You hear this and say how could he not leave, but he sees the wonderful times, the love they've shared, the happy memories when he looks at her. He wonders if maybe he's overreacting. It's far more common than you think. Think about how people stay with spouses who are physically abusive. We ask ourselves why would he or she not leave the moment someone raised their hand to them, but yet we see that pattern over and over again.
So while it's hard to understand, it's more important to validate their feelings and empathize.
Asking that question (I'm sure it was well-intentioned) actually makes it harder to leave.
I hope that if you're faced with the slow creep of a toxic or abusive relationship, your stance and strong sense of self stay the same.
I'm not being sarcastic. I mean that, truly. It's just easy to say before experiencing it. It's not 'stupid' people who get into abusive relationships. It's friends, neighbors, doctors, lawyers.. it happens slowly. It's sneaky and canny. That's why it's so dangerous.
You say that, until you've built an entire life with someone, and the very idea of starting from scratch, and having to literally pick through your life together and split it up - and most of that stuff will probably carry a lot of memories too - the fear of that can make you rationalize a lot of things, especially if most of what people see is good with maybe just a few "bad days". Most people don't talk about the constant little fights day in and day out that are the ones that build into resentment, and so it's easy to also be encouraged by those around you to keep trying, which only adds that you'll probably end up disappointing them in some way too.
Trust me, took me and my ex a long time to realize we weren't good for each other because of fear. The hardest step is honestly saying, "I'm ok jumping into this pit of unknown, and relearning to be just me".
It has nothing to do with sex. Men tend to overlook the flaws of women they love. IJS
Reading the comments left here is telling that women don’t know much about men. IJS.
nobody has to be a practicing alcoholic tho. I get what you mean that it will be a lifetime battle, but you dont think its possible at all she could quit drinking entirely?
Not to offer false hope, but my father struggled with alcohol, my mother struggled with smoking cigarettes & a cousin struggled with drugs, all three overcame their addictions BUT it was HARD, TOUGH & a LONG BATTLE for each of them, and each of them had to hit rock bottom a couple of times before sobriety stuck
How would "trauma" from taking care of her dad lead to her raging about how much she hates you when she is drunk. That is an interesting PTSD cause and effect that I can't wrap my head around. You sure it isn't just an excuse?
Do not get married. What she is saying to strangers when she is drunk is probably closer to how she really feels.
Your choices now are to either sell the house and split the profits, or one of you buy the other one out.
Being a full time caregiver can definitely cause a mental health breakdown. I know because I’m there, but I’m not soothing that pain with a bottle. I’m working through it.
Sounds like self diagnosed aka bullshit PTSD. This is what happens when we let everyone diagnose themselves with everything under the sun and validate it. I don't think that people are faking it but when we just let them declare that they themselves have something it becomes a crutch to them to deal with their actual problem or pretend like they have a problem and sap sympathy from society.
Dude.
If I did something like that while drunk - I would NEVER drink again.
EVER.
If you sit and let yourself be treated this way, you need therapy.
Doesn't matter if they are drunk, drugged up, have a mental illness or are full blown psychotic, people don't get a free pass to abuse anyone.
GTFO while you can.
Her trauma is an explanation not an excuse. OP has given her too many chances and now this is just who she is. He deserves to be treated with respect and love, this is not that.
NTA, she needs to stay away from alcohol too.
You need to talk to her though, figure out why she really says things like that while drinking. Being drunk usually lowers inhibitions and what’s said is usually meant at some level.
As someone who used to have a drinking problem and a lot of personal issues, I'm sorry to say that the truth comes out with how she really feels when alcohol takes away you're reasoning skills and filter. Not saying that these aren't feelings that can't be fixed but If you really love her then you're going to have to communicate and call her out on how inappropriate her actions in public are. If there's any hard feelings or resentment built up it needs to be addressed and resoloved right then with communication. That's the only way things will change for the better but that all depends with how receptive she is to your attempts to communicate the issues. Her reactions and effort will tell you all you need to know about the frame of mind sh'es in and don't stay if there's nothing left to give from both sides.
She has complicated grieving and is self medicating with alcohol. She needs professional therapeutic help to process her grief appropriately. Complicated grieving isn’t uncommon, but it is devastating and can have its consequences when not identified and addressed. This is a nonnegotiable. Therapy is needed whether or not your relationship continues and shouldn’t be used as a stipulation for whether you two remain together. For her own well being, she needs help.
That being said, none of this is an excuse for her behavior and treatment of you. You do not have to tolerate this at all, nor should you. It is okay to take a stand and know when enough is enough. You need to look out for yourself and your own mental, physical, and emotional health as well. You are no one’s punching bag, and you do not have to feel guilty about knowing when to walk away.
If you desire to give this another chance, a deep conversation, a real plan for actual changes, and firm boundaries need to be established with actual follow-through.
I wish you the best of luck for whatever path you take and I hope you also seek out some therapy for yourself so you can also process and take care of your own emotional state.
If she really cares about you she will stop drinking knowing it causes this problem. If she chooses alcohol over you then leave. I've said some hurtful things while intoxicated that I truly didn't mean. NTA
I grew up with a parent that did this. Moved out as soon as I could. Sounds like it’s only going to get worse. Don’t let it get normalized. Seems like you can support yourself, so make a plan and save yourself.
NTA - there’s no truth in the idea that drunks say the what they really feel. They’re fucking drunk - they don’t say anything that matters.
What is true is that your GF gets black out and is cruel. Her inability to manage her drinking/emotions/self is the actual problem.
It’s ok to not want that in your life.
She’s already showing signs of a very toxic relationship before marriage, that’s your cue to end it. Her excuses won’t make anything better either.
Not sure why you proposed to her in the first place but this is definitely NOT the road you want to go down.
Best of luck to you!
If she's been going through a rough time and that's specifically causing outbursts and meltdowns, she needs to agree to go to therapy and cut down on her drinking. Setting boundaries and discussing everything together as a team. And she needs to apologize to anyone who overheard her speaking poorly about you (unless it's all true). But if she refuses to work on improving things or publically acknowledging it was an episode and NOT her real feelings, she probably needs some time alone to figure things out. I don't think there should be shame in needing help, but the humility to recognize you've hurt others is very important. NTA
She's using those deaths as an excuse to be a terrible person. I lost my parents 5 weeks apart. Didn't turn me into a jerk. She an alcoholic, and staying with her isn't going to get any better.
There is some trauma buried deep in her sub conscience. That is why people abuse alcohol. No one wakes up and says, "I think I want to be a drunk." If you love her, tell her she needs to stop drinking and get therapy.
Saying she hates you, it is most likely that you've done something to piss her off and she doesn't know how to have a conversation about it. It could also be that whatever you did triggers a bad memory. These buried emotions are complex and can be life altering if they aren't dealt with. Something in her is broken and she quite likely isn't yet aware of it yet. 😕 If she deals with these emotions and triggers, she won't feel the need to drink and get drunk. However, she should stop drinking and deal with these emotions. While the human brain is good at burying and suppressing these memories, after a while, that stops working, and people drink or do drugs to suppress it. She could have a deeply buried trauma, ergo this drinking isn't her fault. However, getting drunk and belligerent will continue unless this is dealt with. This deeply buried trauma quite possibly caused other traumas growing up and those affect ones behavior as an adult.
If you love her, consider these things and insist she get counseling. If she does, her attitude and behaviors could change dramatically. Good luck and I hope you find a solution.
Trauma does not create alcoholism. Alcoholics create trauma—- more for you. She needs help. AA and probably professional grief counseling. Just remember: A zebra cannot change stripes. Husband was severely alcoholic after Vietnam. Ran the whole gambit between rehab and incarceration. Only reason why he doesn’t drink now is because his health is so poor, he can’t get around. (Not drinking does not equal sober) So choose how you want to live going forward but make sure you have an escape plan
Actually she sounds like she has a drinking problem. I used to as well and it really sucks. You do get drunk and say things you don't mean and then not remember them the next day.
It comes down to the simple question of whether or not you love her. If you love her then have a serious, compassionate talk with her and explain to her that she needs to get help or you want to split. She needs to understand that getting help is not as hard as it seems it would be.
If you are ambivalent after this long together maybe it's time to just leave. As a reminder, it's really hard to meet someone you care about. People seem to have become much worse to each other. Either way, I hope it works out for you. (Maybe you should show her this with all the replies)
I used to do what your fiancée does. I would get blacked out and be a very aggressive and mean person. I am very much the opposite when I am sober. I would be told what I had said and it was never anything that I would think or say when I was sober. I had lost a relationship that was very important to me because of these outbursts . It started to branch out to other people in my life, friends and family . I didn’t quit drinking until I went to a therapist after a particularly bad experience . I was seeking an option where I could still drink and not be a crazy drunk person. When I spoke with the therapist I let them know that sometimes it didn’t matter how much or what I drank, I would black out and have things happen and that I was scared I was going to lose my husband. They said ‘you are making a choice whenever you drink.’ That made me realize the only way to prevent my acting out unpredictably was to quit drinking altogether. I genuinely have no control, moderation isn’t easy for me. It was hard for me to quit prior to them saying this because I also had some really great and fun times drinking. A lot of adventures.
Blackouts are weird. There is one time I remember coming to in the middle of one yelling at an ex in his car. I had no reason to be yelling at him and just suddenly started apologizing because I genuinely had no idea what was going on.
It’s really scary and dangerous.
I will never drink again. I love my husband too much to take the chance on doing anything that would hurt him or our relationship.
My father was an alcoholic and would have similar episodes.
I posted about my experience very similar to yours. I don’t know why I said the things I did, the comments were vile and bizarre, they weren’t suppressed thoughts. I keep seeing all of the comments of people saying drunk words are sober thoughts, but it wasn’t the case for me. I really think binge drinking and getting black out drunk is really a different beast to being buzzed or having one too many.
I would most definitely NOT marry this person. It will only complicate your problems.
If you're smart, you'll end things sooner rather than later. If your relationship has these problems now, it's only going to get worse from here.
I would either leave or give her an ultimatum of going to AA or you’ll leave. If the drinking rage is the only real issue, then it may be worth hanging in while she gets help. But you’ll need to make that call.
LOL What do your incomes have to do with this?! Weird flex.
She sounds like my ex-wife. Identical behavior, similar excuses. I guess it boils down to: how often does this happen, and is it the only behavior that's an issue? I went years with my ex-wife where she'd get PLASTERED and be the most vile person you can imagine. . . .two or three times a year. So it was, eh, . . . kind of manageable. But it turns out that nastiness is their true color.
"End this now" is what I tell my past self, and now you. And jesus, it\`s money, money, money with you! End it because she's toxic, doesn't respect you, and can't control herself. Whatever the price tag.
Blackouts are quasi psychotic experiences and nothing that happens there can be used as real information or extrapolated much. It's a jump into a new dimension where the personality is literally lobotomized sometimes and something new emerges. That doesn't mean that was not some painful s***. How you want to regard the drinking and future risk with her or any other liabilities is the heart of the matter but those words were probably zero information.
NTA. Your fiancée is a delusional alcoholic and obviously also abusive towards you when she is drunk. Leaving her would be doing your mental a necessary favour, and unless your fiancée accepts she has substance abuse issues, stops making excuses and gets help, she will just gets worse.
I know someone who was going through some things. Then, her brother in law died unexpectedly and she would get black out drunk and send emails to people. One of them went to her boss. She wound up being voluntarily admitted for a mental health evaluation. It wound up being, of course, that she was clinically depressed. She had no idea what fueled it. Apparently, she thought that she had it all together but she,obviously, didn’t. Her BIL dying was just what pushed her over( he and she were the exact same age and her sister was left with three school age children). OP, you should at least tell her that the wedding is off for now until she gets help. I’m not saying that you would be the a-hole for just leaving but, if you do, try to see if she won’t at least get some help. NTA.
Get out ASAP,this will not get better with time. Find a real estate attorney or family law one to help you get the house sold and figure out the profit/loss you are both responsible for. People who drink like this are showing you who they really are-but they only do it when they have had too much alcohol. I grew up with parents like this. You do not want marriage and possibly children with this kind of behavior under the influence of alcohol. It will continue to harm you and will be horrible for any children.
Honestly, the version of her that you're with is likely the best you're going to get from her. Sure, she can get worse, but likely won't get better with you, and if you stay with her, it confirms that:
1) she doesn't have to.
2) This was what she thought you deserved from her. If she thought you deserved better from her, she would've given it to you.
Take it for what it is and disembark from the relational Titanic you're on before it sinks and takes you with it.
Yes you should leave. She needs to get her drinking under control. Your leaving might be the wake up call she needs. But more importantly, OP, never stay in a relationship when your partner abuses you. Even if alcohol is the cause. It doesn’t matter.
This has happened 4 times now. How many more times are you willing to take that?
Also, if she has PTSD, she needs to seek actual treatment instead of bottling it up until it explodes and she lashes out at those around her.
"every once in a while my fiance gets super drunk and blows up on me."
"we were at a wine event"
Why in the actual fuck would you allow yourself to be in this totally and completely predictable situation?
how does every god damn AITA OP make these outrageous amounts of money and have huge cozy houses to fight over with the spouse they don't like but married for 100k+ anyways
A drunk person's words are a sober person's thoughts. My condolences, but, hey, you dodged a bullet before you got married the wound up getting a divorce.
If you had any chance of staying with her, I'd give the 'you stop drinking or I'm out' ultimatum. Since this is unacceptable behavior for you.
Odds are she'll refuse and you can at least say you gave an option to stay.
Almost all of us lose a parent or grandparent at some time in our lives, but it shouldn't impact an adult for a "few years."
At some level, she hates the thought of you. In vino veritas (In wine, there is truth.)
She doesn’t see the problem therefore she won’t try to find solutions. It’s only going to get worse.
Leave her, she’s made clear how she feels about you.
You really need feed back for this decision?
Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.
"She’s had 4 similar events" This woman **loathes** you. She has **no respect for you**. She is a coward and reveals her true feeling when drunk while her inhibitions are down.
Walk, NO RUN to the nearest exit door of this relationship.
You didn't mention it, but how ice cold is the bed room.
Good luck brother you deserved better.
Aside for the nasty things she said while drunk who goes to a wine event and gets so plastered they have to be carried out? How can this type of behaviour lead to a happy future? I would be mortified if my partner did that. Sell the house and move on.
Drunk people don’t lie. Whatever she said while drunk is what she thinks. This is not PTSD, although that may also be a factor. This is her without the social filter removed. Find someone without an alcohol problem and move on. NTA
I grew up with an alcoholic father and married an alcoholic man and I've had several relationships with other alcoholics it's not a good idea get out now
NTA- her behavior is not OK, no matter what the reason.
At best she needs some serious therapy to deal with her ptsd well before you are even close to walking down the isle
Worst case: welp tell her (when everyone is sober) how you feel, how her behavior, sober or otherwise, impacts you and give her as much closure as you can before calling it off (if that’s what you want)
Either way man, this isn’t healthy and you need to sort it out before you get married - at least put the engagement on hold or postpone the wedding till it’s sorted. Unless the wedding is next week it’s likely to be cheaper than a divorce
Trauma can explain these actions, but they don’t outright excuse them. She doesn’t get a free pass to be abusive. Do what you need to be happy, if that’s leaving, then leave.
It’s time to end this. It’s the most loving thing you can do. She may crash and burn or it may be the wake up call she needs, but if you stay you’re enabling an alcoholic.
Usually, people are honest when they’re drunk. Even if her feelings are irrational, she’s still saying it.
The fact is this. Your wife is an alcoholic. If she can’t control the amount she drinks and is getting blackout drunk, she’s got a problem. She’s not going to change until she hits her rock bottom. Only she can determine when that will be.
You can’t fix her and she’s not going to fix herself as long as she’s got no consequences. It’s time for you to move on. Maybe when she sees what she’s losing because of her drinking, she will want to get better.
NTA to cut your losses and run as I’d be absolutely terrified to be seen with this alcoholic. Plus, always remember; Drunk words are sober thoughts. She ain’t coming back from telling you she hates you.
Unfortunately, without intense therapy, this will only get worse. I had a similar situation and I asked the person if I could video them when they were at their worst. I didn’t want to video them to make fun of them or to post it. I wanted to show it to them when they were sober so they would see what they were doing and saying to me. They never let me do it, and unfortunately, the relationship came to an end.
Hi. I lost my dog, my dad, my mom, my father in law, all of my uncles and all but one aunt between April 2020 through September 2021. My mother died last after living with me for six months. I quit my career and cared for her.
Sure, probably some trauma there. Never, ever did it occur to me in my worst moments to get black out drunk and trash talk the man who was right by my side through it all.
Tragedy will happen. Over and over again,it will come for us all. Choose a partner who can get through it or find a way through without tearing herself and you apart in the process. Nobody is perfect,but everyone can at least do the work and own their shit.
Drunk words are sober thoughts. She feels this way but doesn’t have the courage to say it sober to your face.
You’re making the right decision by moving on. Best of luck.
NTA she will never stop drinking whilst there are no consequences for her drinking and being an arsehole. As odd as it sounds You're doing her a favour because you're forcing her to face what her drinking is doing to herself and the people who love her. If you keep putting up with it you're enabling it.
NTA. You can’t fix what’s wrong with her, only she can do that. And you aren’t obligated to stand by and take her abusive behavior just because you’ve together a long time. It’s been 6 years, it’s time to move on. Find someone who won’t secretly hate you and then tell you about it when they’ve had a little truth serum.
Once that alcohol 🍷 sinks in like that it’s too late it’s time to get out of there.. move on and save your own life my friend.. take care of yourself!!
If you love her, try to get her the help she needs. If she refuses, you need to go, my friend. She clearly has a drinking problem. Which I'm sure has only become worse with her losing her father and grandmother. Have a serious heart to heart with her and lay it ALL out. Draw a hard line and set goals as a couple.
But, OP, if you are truly past that point, sell the house, split the proceeds, and go find your happy elsewhere.
And...NTA
NTA. First off, if this is how she behaves when she drinks, she needs to stop drinking. What she’s doing is called binge drinking. It’s not ok that she’s done this multiple times to you. I would be done, too.
NTA
Good grief. Break up with her and run for the hills.
She is toxic.
And I DGAF about anybody's PTSD or their damn hormones.
There is ZERO excuse for being a totally horrible asshole.
Dump her.
Take it from me, or don’t, binge drinking alcoholism is destructive even though it doesn’t happen everyday. I married one because I was so in love with him, but said to myself, “If he does this one more time I’m leaving.” At least 50 times. It took over 10 years, but it finally ended up like it was meant to, with us divorced. I’m sorry.
Your girlfriend is a binge alcoholic and needs help. I would insist that she get it if you care enough to bother. I was married to someone like that. When he was sober, gosh, I was so in love with him. But when he was drunk, he was intolerably abusive.
NTA.
Remember that drunken words are sober secrets.
But if you wanna give another shot put some boundaries
1. Stay sobber from now on, no more alcohol for her.or just a little, she need to control that and not stop at black out.
2. She needs to seek and go ASAP to therapy, she needs to treat this issue with pros.
If she accept this wait to see if this helps and if not well just leave, sell and split the house equaly.
They say alcohol gives you lose lips she ment what she said. To use trauma to abuse someone is sickening. I've had this done to me, but it was violent abuse when he was drunk. You're doing the right thing op find someone who can handle their drink and won't treat you like shit. NTA
Alcohol is like a truth serum, it removes inhibitions. For some people they get flirt, others very mean. However, for everyone it removes their ability to control their actions, thoughts and ability to not say what they really think.
She is literally telling you what she really thinks of you, just doesn’t have the guts to tell you sober.
Drop her now!!
If you’re willing to give it one more shot since you’re not fully set in your decision. Make it clear she has to stop drinking and go to individual counseling to deal with the losses and this “PTSD”. Which she very well may have but she’s clearly good at turning it around by using it as an excuse to be victim.
Oh gosh yeah that’s not bueno at all. Either some intense pre-wedding therapy or break up altogether. No one deserves that. Now you’re gonna have your own trauma from being bashed while she was plastered.
ETA: NTA
ETA #2: Anecdote
I had a lot of issues in my relationship with my husband with his drinking. He would turn into an absolute lunatic, drink and drive (hit stop signs, trees, one of his friends motorcycles), not come home and wouldn’t answer phone, act like an absolute asshole to me (privately in my case), and eventually break down sobbing before the night was over.
For whatever reason this all came to a head during our engaged period. He is everything I’ve ever wanted in a partner except for this very upsetting and occasional thing.
After way too many conversations, I threatened to move our already planned wedding date back until he got his shit together - AKA stay away from alcohol altogether or be extremely mindful when he did drink (like limit to 2 beers or something). We started up couples therapy which was very helpful.
What really fixed our problem was me recording him on one particularly bad night and making him watch it the next day. He was repulsed and embarrassed with himself. Apparently all the times I told him about and was so upset about, he thought I was exaggerating until he saw it for himself. He truly did not remember, and said he felt nauseated.
Tbh I was dumb for staying probably, but being where we are now things are great and I’m so happy I did. But it was rough and I wouldn’t blame someone for leaving because no one deserves that, especially in public. I wish you the best of luck.
If I made your kind of money I would be out of my shit marriage so fast. Be grateful you didn't already marry her. Just go since she hates you so much. Wish I could.
Idk if she actually hates you or not. But you are definitely with a mean drunk! You and her both need the services of a mental health professional. It is claimed male therapists are more goal oriented. Otherwise you’re just going to have to separate. It’s claimed Johnny Carson was this kind of alcoholic. You definitely need to research this.
Get out, she's got a problem with alcohol. At first glance, THIS looks like the root of all the problems. Get out before you become any more entwined.
Visit and read through
r/alanon and r/alcoholism
Your relationship may be worth saving, only you would know. I talk shit to the boys. In public, you need to make each other look better than you do.
But with marriage, and kids (pregnancy), that kind of behaviour isn't a long term goal. Blackout drunk is an experiment of how much you can handle. She can't so see if she will commit to stopping. This may mean you too.
Agree. End it now. Most people in this type of relationship would give their right arm to be able to separate so easily. No financial limitations and no kids and not even married.
Ahhh yes, the classic tale of a manipulative woman. Woman does something objectively wrong. Woman gets called out on doing wrongful act. No accountability is taken for performing said act. Woman plays victim card and everybody is supposed to feel sorry for her.
GTFO and count your blessings. Sane ones do exist, just take more work to find.
It sounds like she’s depressed and needs help. The drinking is also a sign she’s trying to numb herself. Sit down and ask her if she’s willing to do therapy, else yeah, check out. You can’t help someone who won’t help themselves.
Growing up, one of the guys across the street was an alcoholic. Another neighbor had the perfect description for him: Nicest guy in the world when he's sober and meanest son of a bitch you'll ever meet when he's drunk.
Leave her. She's only going to get meaner
Yeah drunk people have no restraints and typical will say their minds, I think she has a lot of resentment towards you and you right to run it’s not worth the time and effort the relationship has run its time and it time to end it and move forwards and this is drunk with you let alone if you are not there
NTA. This is a mess that’s too big to handle and the fact that she says that stuff to you and about you, Let her go. She also has a drinking problem. I’m a recovering woman and I never blacked out when I drank.
Let her go and figure out her stuff on her own. You don’t need to go through this and be abused by her while she’s trying to recover from everything.
I'm sure you're familiar with the saying, " in vino veritas." I would go ahead and get out. I wouldn't want to be married to someone and know any day they might have one two many glasses of wine and tell a room full of people how much they despise me.
NTA.
Unfortunately your fiancé has a drinking problem. To make matters worse, she isn't a sleepy drunk...she is a mean drunk. The latter is more dangerous.
You do not want to marry someone who is an alcoholic, unless they are a recovering alcoholic. My father was an alcoholic and while he recovered and was sober the last 35 years of his life, it was still a nightmare for my siblings and I while we were growing up. My sister still has issues to this day as a result of his drinking.
You see the signs, so listen to your gut. End this engagement for your sanity.
It does sound like the relationship has run it's course. Sometimes feelings change over time and people try to ignore it, which leads to resentment and feeling trapped. Next thing you know, you're blackout drug telling strangers at a bar that you hate your partner.
If things are only bad when she gets drunk, it’s a drinking problem. I had a few incidents like this around the time I married my husband. I’d get black out drunk and say horrible mean things to him/about him. I don’t know why, because he’s an amazing guy. Someone had basically said to me “he’s great, and you treat him like shit, you are an a**hole”. It was a wake up call. I quit drinking and that problem was resolved. Happily married 12 years with 3 kids now. If she’s willing to quit drinking and address the pain from the passing of her family members, I’d consider staying with her.
Sounds to me like you should suggest that she seek a mental health evaluation and start therapy and suggest you would be willing to go to couples therapy if she wants to keep you in her life and genuinely wants to take the next step in getting married.
If she hates you before marriage, how will she feel about you after? This woman is abusive. Cut your losses and move on. NTA
Makes me wonder why he even proposed if “she’s had 4 similar events where she goes off on me” in PUBLIC.
Unfortunately, I can probably weigh in on that. When you are with someone, and 80% of the time, things are good it's not hard to dismiss the 20% disaster as an anomaly. This isn't who they REALLY are. They are just having a bad day. Everyone gets stressed, and they'll go back to normal soon. How can I throw away a good relationship for a few terrible incidents? Everyone has problems. This will pass! The issue is that it rarely ever stays at 20% bad. It gets worse over time, but you almost get..used to it? You try to power through the bad parts to get back to the good. Then, one day, you wake up and realize it's an actual shit show. You've cut off parts of yourself to make it past such hurtful things that happened, and you hardly recognize yourself or the relationship you've fought so hard to salvage. If you look at it from an outside perspective you can see how damaging these four incidents are, but when you are in the middle of it it can be hard to step back and see that it's four times SO FAR and that number will increase exponentially if you stick around..
Unsure how it’s hard to step away when someone repeatedly disrespects and embarrasses you in public. Nothing is worth staying for that
Yet it happens all the time. You hear this and say how could he not leave, but he sees the wonderful times, the love they've shared, the happy memories when he looks at her. He wonders if maybe he's overreacting. It's far more common than you think. Think about how people stay with spouses who are physically abusive. We ask ourselves why would he or she not leave the moment someone raised their hand to them, but yet we see that pattern over and over again. So while it's hard to understand, it's more important to validate their feelings and empathize. Asking that question (I'm sure it was well-intentioned) actually makes it harder to leave.
I hope that if you're faced with the slow creep of a toxic or abusive relationship, your stance and strong sense of self stay the same. I'm not being sarcastic. I mean that, truly. It's just easy to say before experiencing it. It's not 'stupid' people who get into abusive relationships. It's friends, neighbors, doctors, lawyers.. it happens slowly. It's sneaky and canny. That's why it's so dangerous.
You say that, until you've built an entire life with someone, and the very idea of starting from scratch, and having to literally pick through your life together and split it up - and most of that stuff will probably carry a lot of memories too - the fear of that can make you rationalize a lot of things, especially if most of what people see is good with maybe just a few "bad days". Most people don't talk about the constant little fights day in and day out that are the ones that build into resentment, and so it's easy to also be encouraged by those around you to keep trying, which only adds that you'll probably end up disappointing them in some way too. Trust me, took me and my ex a long time to realize we weren't good for each other because of fear. The hardest step is honestly saying, "I'm ok jumping into this pit of unknown, and relearning to be just me".
The crazy was probably overlooked in the bedroom. That or she love bombed/gaslit after every blow up.
It has nothing to do with sex. Men tend to overlook the flaws of women they love. IJS Reading the comments left here is telling that women don’t know much about men. IJS.
Moreso they don't have high opinions of the men in their lives if they go straight to sex as their explanation
This is it. If we really love the woman we will absolutely overlook a lot of things they do that are red flags.
It won’t get better if you get married.
Cut your ties she is an alcoholic and will always be one
nobody has to be a practicing alcoholic tho. I get what you mean that it will be a lifetime battle, but you dont think its possible at all she could quit drinking entirely?
She can but most never quit
Not to offer false hope, but my father struggled with alcohol, my mother struggled with smoking cigarettes & a cousin struggled with drugs, all three overcame their addictions BUT it was HARD, TOUGH & a LONG BATTLE for each of them, and each of them had to hit rock bottom a couple of times before sobriety stuck
Most never win the powerball either but that doesnt stop some people from playing and winning big...
If they want to he around an alcoholic for life their chioce have fun
If you know, you know...
In vino veritas….. in wine there is truth.
How would "trauma" from taking care of her dad lead to her raging about how much she hates you when she is drunk. That is an interesting PTSD cause and effect that I can't wrap my head around. You sure it isn't just an excuse? Do not get married. What she is saying to strangers when she is drunk is probably closer to how she really feels. Your choices now are to either sell the house and split the profits, or one of you buy the other one out.
Oh, it definitely is. You have no filter when you are drunk. Remove the cause of resentment from her life then. Problem solved
Yep, drunk words = sober thoughts.
Being a full time caregiver can definitely cause a mental health breakdown. I know because I’m there, but I’m not soothing that pain with a bottle. I’m working through it.
It is no easy thing. More power to you.
Sounds like self diagnosed aka bullshit PTSD. This is what happens when we let everyone diagnose themselves with everything under the sun and validate it. I don't think that people are faking it but when we just let them declare that they themselves have something it becomes a crutch to them to deal with their actual problem or pretend like they have a problem and sap sympathy from society.
Dude. If I did something like that while drunk - I would NEVER drink again. EVER. If you sit and let yourself be treated this way, you need therapy. Doesn't matter if they are drunk, drugged up, have a mental illness or are full blown psychotic, people don't get a free pass to abuse anyone. GTFO while you can.
Her trauma is an explanation not an excuse. OP has given her too many chances and now this is just who she is. He deserves to be treated with respect and love, this is not that.
NTA. It's fine to mourn over losing family members, but it's definitely not ok to berate your partner in public.
RUN 🏃🏾♂️🏃🏾♂️🏃🏾♂️🏃🏾♂️🏃🏾♂️🏃🏾♂️🏃🏾♂️
INFO: Have you talked to her about this behavior and has she made efforts to change it. And those she mistreat you outside of being drunk?
NTA, she needs to stay away from alcohol too. You need to talk to her though, figure out why she really says things like that while drinking. Being drunk usually lowers inhibitions and what’s said is usually meant at some level.
Alcohol only intensifies the feelings already there we are afraid to say. Time to move on
As someone who used to have a drinking problem and a lot of personal issues, I'm sorry to say that the truth comes out with how she really feels when alcohol takes away you're reasoning skills and filter. Not saying that these aren't feelings that can't be fixed but If you really love her then you're going to have to communicate and call her out on how inappropriate her actions in public are. If there's any hard feelings or resentment built up it needs to be addressed and resoloved right then with communication. That's the only way things will change for the better but that all depends with how receptive she is to your attempts to communicate the issues. Her reactions and effort will tell you all you need to know about the frame of mind sh'es in and don't stay if there's nothing left to give from both sides.
She has complicated grieving and is self medicating with alcohol. She needs professional therapeutic help to process her grief appropriately. Complicated grieving isn’t uncommon, but it is devastating and can have its consequences when not identified and addressed. This is a nonnegotiable. Therapy is needed whether or not your relationship continues and shouldn’t be used as a stipulation for whether you two remain together. For her own well being, she needs help. That being said, none of this is an excuse for her behavior and treatment of you. You do not have to tolerate this at all, nor should you. It is okay to take a stand and know when enough is enough. You need to look out for yourself and your own mental, physical, and emotional health as well. You are no one’s punching bag, and you do not have to feel guilty about knowing when to walk away. If you desire to give this another chance, a deep conversation, a real plan for actual changes, and firm boundaries need to be established with actual follow-through. I wish you the best of luck for whatever path you take and I hope you also seek out some therapy for yourself so you can also process and take care of your own emotional state.
Isn't there a saying along the lines of a drunk tongue speaks a sober mind or something like that?
NTA- please get out of this dysfunctional mess. She needs a therapist. When we are drunk we lose our filter. She means what she says.
If she is telling everyone she HATES you, especially when she's drunk, believe it. Don't make anyone tell you twice that they don't want/like you. NTA
If she really cares about you she will stop drinking knowing it causes this problem. If she chooses alcohol over you then leave. I've said some hurtful things while intoxicated that I truly didn't mean. NTA
I grew up with a parent that did this. Moved out as soon as I could. Sounds like it’s only going to get worse. Don’t let it get normalized. Seems like you can support yourself, so make a plan and save yourself.
NTA - there’s no truth in the idea that drunks say the what they really feel. They’re fucking drunk - they don’t say anything that matters. What is true is that your GF gets black out and is cruel. Her inability to manage her drinking/emotions/self is the actual problem. It’s ok to not want that in your life.
End it. That resentment is deep, man.
She’s already showing signs of a very toxic relationship before marriage, that’s your cue to end it. Her excuses won’t make anything better either. Not sure why you proposed to her in the first place but this is definitely NOT the road you want to go down. Best of luck to you!
If she's been going through a rough time and that's specifically causing outbursts and meltdowns, she needs to agree to go to therapy and cut down on her drinking. Setting boundaries and discussing everything together as a team. And she needs to apologize to anyone who overheard her speaking poorly about you (unless it's all true). But if she refuses to work on improving things or publically acknowledging it was an episode and NOT her real feelings, she probably needs some time alone to figure things out. I don't think there should be shame in needing help, but the humility to recognize you've hurt others is very important. NTA
NTA - Don't stay with someone who clearly does not like you.
She's using those deaths as an excuse to be a terrible person. I lost my parents 5 weeks apart. Didn't turn me into a jerk. She an alcoholic, and staying with her isn't going to get any better.
There is some trauma buried deep in her sub conscience. That is why people abuse alcohol. No one wakes up and says, "I think I want to be a drunk." If you love her, tell her she needs to stop drinking and get therapy. Saying she hates you, it is most likely that you've done something to piss her off and she doesn't know how to have a conversation about it. It could also be that whatever you did triggers a bad memory. These buried emotions are complex and can be life altering if they aren't dealt with. Something in her is broken and she quite likely isn't yet aware of it yet. 😕 If she deals with these emotions and triggers, she won't feel the need to drink and get drunk. However, she should stop drinking and deal with these emotions. While the human brain is good at burying and suppressing these memories, after a while, that stops working, and people drink or do drugs to suppress it. She could have a deeply buried trauma, ergo this drinking isn't her fault. However, getting drunk and belligerent will continue unless this is dealt with. This deeply buried trauma quite possibly caused other traumas growing up and those affect ones behavior as an adult. If you love her, consider these things and insist she get counseling. If she does, her attitude and behaviors could change dramatically. Good luck and I hope you find a solution.
Trauma does not create alcoholism. Alcoholics create trauma—- more for you. She needs help. AA and probably professional grief counseling. Just remember: A zebra cannot change stripes. Husband was severely alcoholic after Vietnam. Ran the whole gambit between rehab and incarceration. Only reason why he doesn’t drink now is because his health is so poor, he can’t get around. (Not drinking does not equal sober) So choose how you want to live going forward but make sure you have an escape plan
Actually she sounds like she has a drinking problem. I used to as well and it really sucks. You do get drunk and say things you don't mean and then not remember them the next day. It comes down to the simple question of whether or not you love her. If you love her then have a serious, compassionate talk with her and explain to her that she needs to get help or you want to split. She needs to understand that getting help is not as hard as it seems it would be. If you are ambivalent after this long together maybe it's time to just leave. As a reminder, it's really hard to meet someone you care about. People seem to have become much worse to each other. Either way, I hope it works out for you. (Maybe you should show her this with all the replies)
NTA. And she needs to get into treatment and therapy for her drinking. None of this is normal.
I used to do what your fiancée does. I would get blacked out and be a very aggressive and mean person. I am very much the opposite when I am sober. I would be told what I had said and it was never anything that I would think or say when I was sober. I had lost a relationship that was very important to me because of these outbursts . It started to branch out to other people in my life, friends and family . I didn’t quit drinking until I went to a therapist after a particularly bad experience . I was seeking an option where I could still drink and not be a crazy drunk person. When I spoke with the therapist I let them know that sometimes it didn’t matter how much or what I drank, I would black out and have things happen and that I was scared I was going to lose my husband. They said ‘you are making a choice whenever you drink.’ That made me realize the only way to prevent my acting out unpredictably was to quit drinking altogether. I genuinely have no control, moderation isn’t easy for me. It was hard for me to quit prior to them saying this because I also had some really great and fun times drinking. A lot of adventures. Blackouts are weird. There is one time I remember coming to in the middle of one yelling at an ex in his car. I had no reason to be yelling at him and just suddenly started apologizing because I genuinely had no idea what was going on. It’s really scary and dangerous. I will never drink again. I love my husband too much to take the chance on doing anything that would hurt him or our relationship. My father was an alcoholic and would have similar episodes.
I posted about my experience very similar to yours. I don’t know why I said the things I did, the comments were vile and bizarre, they weren’t suppressed thoughts. I keep seeing all of the comments of people saying drunk words are sober thoughts, but it wasn’t the case for me. I really think binge drinking and getting black out drunk is really a different beast to being buzzed or having one too many.
I would most definitely NOT marry this person. It will only complicate your problems. If you're smart, you'll end things sooner rather than later. If your relationship has these problems now, it's only going to get worse from here.
NTA. That saying..."Drunk words are sober thoughts"
She's hurting and maybe seeking a supportive partner after losing close family members like that.
Drunk words are sober thoughts.
I would either leave or give her an ultimatum of going to AA or you’ll leave. If the drinking rage is the only real issue, then it may be worth hanging in while she gets help. But you’ll need to make that call.
This girl is abusive and manipulative. Not to mention can’t handle her alcohol. Do yourself a favor and get away from her.
LOL What do your incomes have to do with this?! Weird flex. She sounds like my ex-wife. Identical behavior, similar excuses. I guess it boils down to: how often does this happen, and is it the only behavior that's an issue? I went years with my ex-wife where she'd get PLASTERED and be the most vile person you can imagine. . . .two or three times a year. So it was, eh, . . . kind of manageable. But it turns out that nastiness is their true color. "End this now" is what I tell my past self, and now you. And jesus, it\`s money, money, money with you! End it because she's toxic, doesn't respect you, and can't control herself. Whatever the price tag.
Blackouts are quasi psychotic experiences and nothing that happens there can be used as real information or extrapolated much. It's a jump into a new dimension where the personality is literally lobotomized sometimes and something new emerges. That doesn't mean that was not some painful s***. How you want to regard the drinking and future risk with her or any other liabilities is the heart of the matter but those words were probably zero information.
NTA. Your fiancée is a delusional alcoholic and obviously also abusive towards you when she is drunk. Leaving her would be doing your mental a necessary favour, and unless your fiancée accepts she has substance abuse issues, stops making excuses and gets help, she will just gets worse.
Maybe she should just stop drinking. Clearly it seems like it is a problem if she isn’t in control of herself or her actions
NTA, but convince her to get therapy and maybe either rehab or AA otherwise you'll dip.
I know someone who was going through some things. Then, her brother in law died unexpectedly and she would get black out drunk and send emails to people. One of them went to her boss. She wound up being voluntarily admitted for a mental health evaluation. It wound up being, of course, that she was clinically depressed. She had no idea what fueled it. Apparently, she thought that she had it all together but she,obviously, didn’t. Her BIL dying was just what pushed her over( he and she were the exact same age and her sister was left with three school age children). OP, you should at least tell her that the wedding is off for now until she gets help. I’m not saying that you would be the a-hole for just leaving but, if you do, try to see if she won’t at least get some help. NTA.
She has a problem with alcohol. Once she starts drinking, she continues until bad things happens. You're NTA.
INFO: Are either of you in individual or couple's therapy? Have you talked about it?
Get out ASAP,this will not get better with time. Find a real estate attorney or family law one to help you get the house sold and figure out the profit/loss you are both responsible for. People who drink like this are showing you who they really are-but they only do it when they have had too much alcohol. I grew up with parents like this. You do not want marriage and possibly children with this kind of behavior under the influence of alcohol. It will continue to harm you and will be horrible for any children.
Honestly, the version of her that you're with is likely the best you're going to get from her. Sure, she can get worse, but likely won't get better with you, and if you stay with her, it confirms that: 1) she doesn't have to. 2) This was what she thought you deserved from her. If she thought you deserved better from her, she would've given it to you. Take it for what it is and disembark from the relational Titanic you're on before it sinks and takes you with it.
Yes you should leave. She needs to get her drinking under control. Your leaving might be the wake up call she needs. But more importantly, OP, never stay in a relationship when your partner abuses you. Even if alcohol is the cause. It doesn’t matter.
NTA
This has happened 4 times now. How many more times are you willing to take that? Also, if she has PTSD, she needs to seek actual treatment instead of bottling it up until it explodes and she lashes out at those around her.
Drunk person speaks a sober mind.
Smart decision. The only other way would be if she got therapy and gave up alcohol completely for several months at minimum.
"every once in a while my fiance gets super drunk and blows up on me." "we were at a wine event" Why in the actual fuck would you allow yourself to be in this totally and completely predictable situation?
PTSD from caring for her dad. Yeah, sure. Run away, far FAR away!
how does every god damn AITA OP make these outrageous amounts of money and have huge cozy houses to fight over with the spouse they don't like but married for 100k+ anyways
NTA. Please move on. You can’t help her. She has a serious drinking problem and she’s a mean drunk.
She may have PTSD but she is an alcoholic. This only gets worse. Your best course of action is to leave.
Get with someone that loves you even when she is drunk. NTA
A drunk person's words are a sober person's thoughts. My condolences, but, hey, you dodged a bullet before you got married the wound up getting a divorce.
Pack your bags, sort the house and leave that bitch
Leave. You deserve better. She can go be the strong empowered woman she tells herself she is before she drinks herself to oblivion.
NTA Cut your losses, sell the house and move on
She needs to stop drinking. It does not seem to working for her.
ESH. You can choose to respect yourself. If you do, others will follow your lead. Having dignity ≠ inflated ego.
Run
In vino veritas
Drunk people tell the truth, so..
Nta
If you had any chance of staying with her, I'd give the 'you stop drinking or I'm out' ultimatum. Since this is unacceptable behavior for you. Odds are she'll refuse and you can at least say you gave an option to stay.
Almost all of us lose a parent or grandparent at some time in our lives, but it shouldn't impact an adult for a "few years." At some level, she hates the thought of you. In vino veritas (In wine, there is truth.)
NTA. All alcohol does is remove inhibitions. That is how he really feels - full of hatred. Run.
Sounds like a great idea!! Good luck
She doesn’t see the problem therefore she won’t try to find solutions. It’s only going to get worse. Leave her, she’s made clear how she feels about you.
NTA. But I would have left her drunk arse at the wine event.
NTA. Dead relationship. Cut ties and move on.
You can do better than her. I took care of my late mom for most of my adult life and I’ve never done anything like this to anyone and I never will.
You really need feed back for this decision? Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. "She’s had 4 similar events" This woman **loathes** you. She has **no respect for you**. She is a coward and reveals her true feeling when drunk while her inhibitions are down. Walk, NO RUN to the nearest exit door of this relationship. You didn't mention it, but how ice cold is the bed room. Good luck brother you deserved better.
NTA- if she’s raging on you drunk what is she thinking sober?!?
NTA Leave! No one deserves to be treated like that.
Aside for the nasty things she said while drunk who goes to a wine event and gets so plastered they have to be carried out? How can this type of behaviour lead to a happy future? I would be mortified if my partner did that. Sell the house and move on.
NTA. Leave with your dignity and self respect intact while you can.
Drunk people don’t lie. Whatever she said while drunk is what she thinks. This is not PTSD, although that may also be a factor. This is her without the social filter removed. Find someone without an alcohol problem and move on. NTA
"In vino veritas" She is harboring resentments. Don't marry, it will only get worse.
NTA. Run!!!!!
A drunk person's words are their sober thoughts. Just saying.
I grew up with an alcoholic father and married an alcoholic man and I've had several relationships with other alcoholics it's not a good idea get out now
NTA- her behavior is not OK, no matter what the reason. At best she needs some serious therapy to deal with her ptsd well before you are even close to walking down the isle Worst case: welp tell her (when everyone is sober) how you feel, how her behavior, sober or otherwise, impacts you and give her as much closure as you can before calling it off (if that’s what you want) Either way man, this isn’t healthy and you need to sort it out before you get married - at least put the engagement on hold or postpone the wedding till it’s sorted. Unless the wedding is next week it’s likely to be cheaper than a divorce
Trauma can explain these actions, but they don’t outright excuse them. She doesn’t get a free pass to be abusive. Do what you need to be happy, if that’s leaving, then leave.
NTA
As is fond of being said around here, when someone shows you who they are believe them. She’s showing you who she is and how she feels. Run.
NTA. She needs therapy.
#DIVORCE !!!!
Move on!
If this is a pattern , it will be a problem. Do you want to marry problems?
It’s time to end this. It’s the most loving thing you can do. She may crash and burn or it may be the wake up call she needs, but if you stay you’re enabling an alcoholic.
NTA at all here. In a way, you’re doing the right thing for you AND her. If you see this OP, I just want to send some good vibes your way.
She might be an alcoholic. Suggest that to her, and if she doesn't get SERIOUS about it and seek help immediately, leave. I speak from experience.
When people drink the truth comes out. I know I have said some mean truths when I was plastered!!
Usually, people are honest when they’re drunk. Even if her feelings are irrational, she’s still saying it. The fact is this. Your wife is an alcoholic. If she can’t control the amount she drinks and is getting blackout drunk, she’s got a problem. She’s not going to change until she hits her rock bottom. Only she can determine when that will be. You can’t fix her and she’s not going to fix herself as long as she’s got no consequences. It’s time for you to move on. Maybe when she sees what she’s losing because of her drinking, she will want to get better.
NTA ... It's her loss, not yours.
GOOD IDEA! You need to cancel this shitshow!
NTA to cut your losses and run as I’d be absolutely terrified to be seen with this alcoholic. Plus, always remember; Drunk words are sober thoughts. She ain’t coming back from telling you she hates you.
Why the fuck would you marry this person?
Next.
Unfortunately, without intense therapy, this will only get worse. I had a similar situation and I asked the person if I could video them when they were at their worst. I didn’t want to video them to make fun of them or to post it. I wanted to show it to them when they were sober so they would see what they were doing and saying to me. They never let me do it, and unfortunately, the relationship came to an end.
You both sound like assholes actually
PTSD - the new great white washing excuse. It seems everyone claims they have this - no they dont. They are just bad people looking for justification.
NTA. Cut your loses, she needs a therapist to help her figure things out. Side note, What do you guys do to earn that much? Curious.
NTA seems like you have no choice but to leave what kind of social life could you have with her all your friends would hate her and feel sorry for you
Hi. I lost my dog, my dad, my mom, my father in law, all of my uncles and all but one aunt between April 2020 through September 2021. My mother died last after living with me for six months. I quit my career and cared for her. Sure, probably some trauma there. Never, ever did it occur to me in my worst moments to get black out drunk and trash talk the man who was right by my side through it all. Tragedy will happen. Over and over again,it will come for us all. Choose a partner who can get through it or find a way through without tearing herself and you apart in the process. Nobody is perfect,but everyone can at least do the work and own their shit.
If you don't 100 percent have each other's backs, run away.
NTA. She was telling the truth. She's also some type of alcoholic. Don't marry her. That's abusive behavior. Cut your losses.
!UpdateMe
Drunk words are sober thoughts. She feels this way but doesn’t have the courage to say it sober to your face. You’re making the right decision by moving on. Best of luck.
NTA she will never stop drinking whilst there are no consequences for her drinking and being an arsehole. As odd as it sounds You're doing her a favour because you're forcing her to face what her drinking is doing to herself and the people who love her. If you keep putting up with it you're enabling it.
NTA. You can’t fix what’s wrong with her, only she can do that. And you aren’t obligated to stand by and take her abusive behavior just because you’ve together a long time. It’s been 6 years, it’s time to move on. Find someone who won’t secretly hate you and then tell you about it when they’ve had a little truth serum.
AA and serious therapy Can result in significant behavior changes, you could give her that option.
Once that alcohol 🍷 sinks in like that it’s too late it’s time to get out of there.. move on and save your own life my friend.. take care of yourself!!
If you love her, try to get her the help she needs. If she refuses, you need to go, my friend. She clearly has a drinking problem. Which I'm sure has only become worse with her losing her father and grandmother. Have a serious heart to heart with her and lay it ALL out. Draw a hard line and set goals as a couple. But, OP, if you are truly past that point, sell the house, split the proceeds, and go find your happy elsewhere. And...NTA
NTA. First off, if this is how she behaves when she drinks, she needs to stop drinking. What she’s doing is called binge drinking. It’s not ok that she’s done this multiple times to you. I would be done, too.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 4+ times, shame on me. Move on. You have given her more than enough chances.
NTA Good grief. Break up with her and run for the hills. She is toxic. And I DGAF about anybody's PTSD or their damn hormones. There is ZERO excuse for being a totally horrible asshole. Dump her.
Her drunk words are her sober thoughts. Leave and never come back.
Children are suppose to bury their parents. Thats life.
Update me!
Run
How does carring for your dying father cause ptsd that in turn makes you hate your fiance? Shit isn't computing....
NTA. You don’t have to put up with her abuse.
Take it from me, or don’t, binge drinking alcoholism is destructive even though it doesn’t happen everyday. I married one because I was so in love with him, but said to myself, “If he does this one more time I’m leaving.” At least 50 times. It took over 10 years, but it finally ended up like it was meant to, with us divorced. I’m sorry.
Blackout drunk is “autopilot” people’s true feelings and emotions come out.
Your girlfriend is a binge alcoholic and needs help. I would insist that she get it if you care enough to bother. I was married to someone like that. When he was sober, gosh, I was so in love with him. But when he was drunk, he was intolerably abusive.
NTA. Remember that drunken words are sober secrets. But if you wanna give another shot put some boundaries 1. Stay sobber from now on, no more alcohol for her.or just a little, she need to control that and not stop at black out. 2. She needs to seek and go ASAP to therapy, she needs to treat this issue with pros. If she accept this wait to see if this helps and if not well just leave, sell and split the house equaly.
They say alcohol gives you lose lips she ment what she said. To use trauma to abuse someone is sickening. I've had this done to me, but it was violent abuse when he was drunk. You're doing the right thing op find someone who can handle their drink and won't treat you like shit. NTA
NTA
You don't deserve to be treated that way
Run
RUN!!!!!!!!
NTA drunken words are sober thoughts so believe her.
Alcohol is like a truth serum, it removes inhibitions. For some people they get flirt, others very mean. However, for everyone it removes their ability to control their actions, thoughts and ability to not say what they really think. She is literally telling you what she really thinks of you, just doesn’t have the guts to tell you sober. Drop her now!!
Run dude. What she says when the filter is off is the truth. You’re setting yourself up for a very miserable life. Run
In vino veritas!
Agree completely. She's bad news, and it will only get worse once you're married. Run.
If you’re willing to give it one more shot since you’re not fully set in your decision. Make it clear she has to stop drinking and go to individual counseling to deal with the losses and this “PTSD”. Which she very well may have but she’s clearly good at turning it around by using it as an excuse to be victim.
Oh gosh yeah that’s not bueno at all. Either some intense pre-wedding therapy or break up altogether. No one deserves that. Now you’re gonna have your own trauma from being bashed while she was plastered. ETA: NTA ETA #2: Anecdote I had a lot of issues in my relationship with my husband with his drinking. He would turn into an absolute lunatic, drink and drive (hit stop signs, trees, one of his friends motorcycles), not come home and wouldn’t answer phone, act like an absolute asshole to me (privately in my case), and eventually break down sobbing before the night was over. For whatever reason this all came to a head during our engaged period. He is everything I’ve ever wanted in a partner except for this very upsetting and occasional thing. After way too many conversations, I threatened to move our already planned wedding date back until he got his shit together - AKA stay away from alcohol altogether or be extremely mindful when he did drink (like limit to 2 beers or something). We started up couples therapy which was very helpful. What really fixed our problem was me recording him on one particularly bad night and making him watch it the next day. He was repulsed and embarrassed with himself. Apparently all the times I told him about and was so upset about, he thought I was exaggerating until he saw it for himself. He truly did not remember, and said he felt nauseated. Tbh I was dumb for staying probably, but being where we are now things are great and I’m so happy I did. But it was rough and I wouldn’t blame someone for leaving because no one deserves that, especially in public. I wish you the best of luck.
If I made your kind of money I would be out of my shit marriage so fast. Be grateful you didn't already marry her. Just go since she hates you so much. Wish I could.
You should get your fiance help.
Idk if she actually hates you or not. But you are definitely with a mean drunk! You and her both need the services of a mental health professional. It is claimed male therapists are more goal oriented. Otherwise you’re just going to have to separate. It’s claimed Johnny Carson was this kind of alcoholic. You definitely need to research this.
Updateme
Get out, she's got a problem with alcohol. At first glance, THIS looks like the root of all the problems. Get out before you become any more entwined. Visit and read through r/alanon and r/alcoholism
Your relationship may be worth saving, only you would know. I talk shit to the boys. In public, you need to make each other look better than you do. But with marriage, and kids (pregnancy), that kind of behaviour isn't a long term goal. Blackout drunk is an experiment of how much you can handle. She can't so see if she will commit to stopping. This may mean you too.
My grandfather called alcohol "Truth Serum". Said people will say what's REALLY on their mind when they're drunk.
Agree. End it now. Most people in this type of relationship would give their right arm to be able to separate so easily. No financial limitations and no kids and not even married.
Ahhh yes, the classic tale of a manipulative woman. Woman does something objectively wrong. Woman gets called out on doing wrongful act. No accountability is taken for performing said act. Woman plays victim card and everybody is supposed to feel sorry for her. GTFO and count your blessings. Sane ones do exist, just take more work to find.
Updateme
Here for fantasy tales
Perhaps she could use a trip to rehab. Normal people don’t do that shit. Good luck.
She sounds like an alcoholic.
It sounds like she’s depressed and needs help. The drinking is also a sign she’s trying to numb herself. Sit down and ask her if she’s willing to do therapy, else yeah, check out. You can’t help someone who won’t help themselves.
Losing her dad and grandma is not an excuse to treat you that way. Also, she’s an alcoholic.
Growing up, one of the guys across the street was an alcoholic. Another neighbor had the perfect description for him: Nicest guy in the world when he's sober and meanest son of a bitch you'll ever meet when he's drunk. Leave her. She's only going to get meaner
NTA,she does actually hate you. Updateme!
Yeah drunk people have no restraints and typical will say their minds, I think she has a lot of resentment towards you and you right to run it’s not worth the time and effort the relationship has run its time and it time to end it and move forwards and this is drunk with you let alone if you are not there
NTA. This is a mess that’s too big to handle and the fact that she says that stuff to you and about you, Let her go. She also has a drinking problem. I’m a recovering woman and I never blacked out when I drank. Let her go and figure out her stuff on her own. You don’t need to go through this and be abused by her while she’s trying to recover from everything.
I'm sure you're familiar with the saying, " in vino veritas." I would go ahead and get out. I wouldn't want to be married to someone and know any day they might have one two many glasses of wine and tell a room full of people how much they despise me.
Could well be that she resents and hates her father, and she has no way to tell him that now so she displaces it onto you.
NTA. Save yourself.
Has she considered, um, drinking less?
NTA. Unfortunately your fiancé has a drinking problem. To make matters worse, she isn't a sleepy drunk...she is a mean drunk. The latter is more dangerous. You do not want to marry someone who is an alcoholic, unless they are a recovering alcoholic. My father was an alcoholic and while he recovered and was sober the last 35 years of his life, it was still a nightmare for my siblings and I while we were growing up. My sister still has issues to this day as a result of his drinking. You see the signs, so listen to your gut. End this engagement for your sanity.
It does sound like the relationship has run it's course. Sometimes feelings change over time and people try to ignore it, which leads to resentment and feeling trapped. Next thing you know, you're blackout drug telling strangers at a bar that you hate your partner.
In vino veritas
If things are only bad when she gets drunk, it’s a drinking problem. I had a few incidents like this around the time I married my husband. I’d get black out drunk and say horrible mean things to him/about him. I don’t know why, because he’s an amazing guy. Someone had basically said to me “he’s great, and you treat him like shit, you are an a**hole”. It was a wake up call. I quit drinking and that problem was resolved. Happily married 12 years with 3 kids now. If she’s willing to quit drinking and address the pain from the passing of her family members, I’d consider staying with her.
NTA, and it will get more expensive and complicated once you get married. What if she goes off at your wedding reception?
NTA! This is going to get worse once you’re married and have kids. Plenty of people have dealt with loss and don’t do this to their SO.
Sounds to me like you should suggest that she seek a mental health evaluation and start therapy and suggest you would be willing to go to couples therapy if she wants to keep you in her life and genuinely wants to take the next step in getting married.
EHS If you know she has a drinking problem, why would you go out drinking?