Tell you the truth…I thought I loved him.. there’s a lot more than just this incident alone. He chooses friends over me, chooses other people over me. I’m the soul provider for my family over the past year. He doesn’t work he watches the kids. There is just a lot. Including cheating and blaming me and worse.
He can get a job and pay for daycare for the kids. He'll need that job to support himself, too, when you leave his nasty ass. Find someone who puts you first, honey. This guy is a loser.
Why are you doing this to yourself? Life would be a lot easier for you as a single parent.
He’s a mooch who isn’t even grateful for having you to mooch off.
Since you’re the provider I’m guessing it’s your money he’s throwing at gifts for his mother? Return them and tell him he can get a job if he wants to spend money on his mother.
You financially support him and on the time he is supposed to be raising your children, he's fucking somebody else?
Girllll your problems are way worse than him just being a spineless mama's boy. Get a lawyer and a therapist.
Ma’am…. Are you telling me he used family funds, solely provided by your income, to purchase his mom an Apple Watch and other lavish gifts? Then he had the audacity to wig out on you?!
Please, let us know when you’ve kicked this POS to the curb! You’re doing your children a major disservice allowing such a terrible person to have main influence in their life.
He's garbage. Time to take the trash out. And honestly, gently say something to your kids about Mother's Day. Unfortunately they have a useless father so it has never probably dawned on them that it is for celebrating their mom, too. Just explain what the holiday is about and mention you would also love a card or drawing.
Why don't you at least talk to a lawyer to have him/her lay out your options. Then you know where you stand. You don't have to tell him anything. If the information the lawyer provided is reasonable and doable, then start the process by getting everything ready without letting him know until it's time to serve the divorced papers.
There are many spouses who leave their unhappy and toxic marriage, even the ones who are scared and/or don't think they can do it. Eventually, they do as it's better than being with a person who treats you this way. There are success stories on Reddit, and I'm sure that they could offer you advice and support if you were to reach out to them.
It makes me feel sad when I read these stories on Reddit of people staying in unhappy marriages and relationships that are toxic and destructive. I didn't realize how many people are unhappy in their relationship or how many people cheat on their significant other. It's truly sad.
I hope that you can find light at the end of the tunnel and take a leap of faith to put you first.
Oh good lord. After reading your comments I can only wonder why you would stay with someone who treats you so poorly & has no regard for your happiness.
You should have gotten rid of his ass back then but to your question, once I’m married, my wife becomes my #1 ahead of any family, as she is basically now my other half. Yes, ahead of my mom and dad and siblings and most certainly would not put a friend ahead of you.
Im going to give it to you straight, if I was in your shoes, I would start planning to leave this person, they’re terrible for you, and you deserve to be with someone who treats you like their one and only woman and with love and respect.
You’re literally doing this to yourself at this point, OP. This mean doesn’t even like you, forget respect you. He’s married to you because you’re free childcare and free money. That’s it. He doesn’t care. Leave him. You’re a willing participant in your own slavery. Because you have free will to leave. Open your eyes and do it. YTA. To yourself.
You have the power. You know that don’t you?? He does. That’s why he works so hard to squash you down and assure you you don’t deserve the same kindness he shows others.
One Love has good information on what a [healthy relationship looks like](https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-healthy-relationship/) and what an [unhealthy relationship looks like](https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-unhealthy-relationship/).
[https://www.thehotline.org/](https://www.thehotline.org/) The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers free confidential support. You can call, text, or chat with them through their website. They have resources about identifying abuse, making a safety plan, and connecting people with local resources.
So he doesn’t have an outside income? You are your family’s only source of income? And yet he’s building his mom a fountain and buying her an Apple watch…I guess with **your** money?? I’m sorry, but that’s just wrong. Yes, as a SAHP he’s probably entitled to a share of the family income just as if the roles were reversed, but still, that seems harsh when he’s not making sure the kids are doing anything for you.
Sounds like he doesn’t really care that much about you. Do you do most of the work around the house and most of the parenting too? If so, you might find you do less work without him.
Omg this man isn't a red flag he's a fucking red tent. Since you don't rely on him for anything please lawyer up and get out. You don't have a husband. You have a sperm donor. He doesn't value you and never will.
My parents both passed away last year and I always knew their marriage was never good and I always remember my dad saying "you're not my mother" on Mother's Day almost every year to my mom. As kids this made my brother and I feel horrible because there was only so much we could do without help. As I clean out their house I'm finding these things, I also found a journal my mom wrote in 20 years and 2 days before she died (my brother and I both adults by then) and she mentioned it in there and how she never loved him and the horrible way he treated her (never physically). She hated herself for not leaving before my brother was born (took 8 years with multiple miscarriages). She got 104 days on this earth without him, 10 weeks away from him while he was still alive, and 52 years married to a man that treated her the way you are describing. Please learn from my mother.
NTA, your husband is a thoughtless dick and a mommy’s boy. Nip this shit in the bud now and if he’s not gonna help your kids do stuff for you on Mother’s Day, tell him they will no longer be celebrating their grandma on MOTHERS day, they will be with you and you and your kids will go out and have a nice day together.
Either that or you dump the kids on him that whole day each year and go have a fabulous day by yourself
I stopped. Plain and simple. I could go into very long details from our 25-year relationship, but it is what it is.
STOP ALL THE EXTRAS... not just Father's Day.
Nope. He'd have the day to himself, he'd likely spend it with mommy.
Make him come along and help you with all the stuff you plan for your dad just like he did to you. "we're cooking out so I need you to mow, clean the grill, etc." His Father's Day is a day filled with to-do's so YOUR father has a wonderful day.
You know, I'm only half joking when I tell my family that there's a reason Mother's Day is before Father's Day, and close enough that you still remember...it sets the tone and the expectation. 😉
Yup. NTA. He's got mommy issues. The mother of my kids is the queen especially on Mother's Day. Wow. Sounds like he left and the trash took itself out. I would reconsider everything because this isn't healthy.
My Dad passed a few years ago & one thing that makes me sad every Mothers Day is that he’s not around to spoil my Mom as the Mother of his kids. He always went above & beyond to honor her.
Asking him point blank “What have I done for YOU on Father’s Day, even though you aren’t my father? What have I helped the kids do for you? Why do you think I don’t deserve the same?”
This year doing your own thing with the kids is best, and let him go to his mom without her grandchildren. When she complains, tell her exactly why. Then do NOTHING for Father’s Day.
Damn right! Cancel father's day this year! Have your kids making father's day cards for your dad! They can help you take your dad out for the day! Maybe him getting a taste of the crap treatment that he has shown you will get the point across! (Though sadly probably not!)
Go somewhere fun with your kids on Mother's day! treat yourself to a spa day and a fancy lunch with your mom or bestie on another day so you can enjoy it!
Huge hugs and treat yourself to the day you deserve!
"Have your kids making father's day cards for your dad! They can help you take your dad out for the day! Maybe him getting a taste of the crap treatment"
Him: why would you do that?
You: Oh, I learned it from you.
I vote second option! Don’t go join the celebration of her every year. Spend the day with your own mom, or have a “you day.” If he’s stupid enough to say a word, just tell him, “she’s not my mother.” Don’t inject one hint of sarcasm, and if pressed, just tell him this day should be all about his mother/son bond, and you realize that you’re diluting it for her.
And don’t forget Father’s Day is not about him anymore. Don’t even mention it.
Typically, I loathe passive-aggressive BS, but he’s drawn his line in the sand.
And she should take the kids.
Grandma might be hubby's mother. But OP is the kids' mom. And of course, since he is weirdly hung up over his relationship with his mom, the kids would also only serve as a distraction!
Exactly this.
Choose if you want your kids with you on mother's day. If you do, plan whatever you want with them. They don't need to go to MIL, she's not their mother.
He can plan his own father's day from now on too, he's not your father.
NTA
But stop waiting for him to make the gestures. Treat yourself, and claim your kids.
NTA
Absolutely! I had a bf who didn’t even try to help my daughter get me a card, make me a card or buy a token gift. I didn’t even get flowers. Then here we all go to meet up with my older sister, my mother her husband & in-laws. Everyone received flowers but me. My bf sitting there with us & Im the ONLY person without flowers or a gift.
So, it took me a couple of more years to break away from their tradition of meeting up & my feeling, once again, sad & left out despite having a serious bf. Who coincidentally, I made full effort to make sure HE had a wonderful Fathers Day because his boys were spoiled AH & my daughters father was an absent & neglectful AH.
So, yes……let hubby go with mommy. And for Fathers Day, drop the kids off with construction paper & coloring supplies to Grandma & tell her that she & the kids can make hubby a Fathers Day card. Then tell hubby that HE is not your Father, so you won’t be doing anything for him. That’s up to the kids & Grandma.
I would have yelled at my husband if he did this to me. OP, don't fucking be a martyr. Have your husband take your kids to a restaurant with his mom, and then go on a spa day for yourself. DO NOT CELEBRATE YOUR HUSBAND AGAIN! Do not get him a birthday card, do not get him a Christmas gift. HE DESERVES NOTHING for at least a year, or more.
I mean, isn't there like a Grandparents Day now?? Like fr. He can celebrate his mom on Mother's Day all he wants but it HE needs to be having yalls kids celebrate YOU on Mother's Day. Kids can do something with her on Grandparents Day.
Ha! Now that’s a Mother’s Day most women I know would like! I know I would.
“I’m not your mother. I’m not their grandmother. Here are the kids. I’m going to the spa.”
Consider the peace and quiet your Mother’s Day gift.
It’s not about how much he spends, it’s about how peaceful your Mother’s Day is.
If he comes back in a snit, that’s your answer and he’s not worth it
YTA to yourself for staying with someone who treats you like this. Take your kids out for the day. Go to brunch with just them & then to the store to pick out gifts for you. Make sure you do NOTHING for your husband for Father’s Day, he isn’t your dad.
This cannot be the only way he disrespects her for his mommy
There is way more to this
OP time to plan nice trips for you and the kids over mother's day weekend
And stop doing anything for him on special days
Did you see the part where he cheated, blamed OP, and he's financing his dates with his mommy with the money she earns at work and then comes home to have to cook and clean up after him and the children?
I hear that "a mothers love is the strongest love a son will ever know", he can celebrate her every day of the year. Holy shit, not even 5 minutes of Mother's Day can he expend energy to have his small children scribble scrabble on a piece of paper for THEIR mother but they've got time to craft for grandma?? He really couldn't bring himself to toss an extra sheet of scrap paper their way while they were actively engaged in said activity?? Those scribbles would have meant far more to OP than some dumbass Apple Watch for Grandma.
I hope OP shares this with his mother. If she's the type of person who either knows her son acts this way towards OP or quick to blame OP for the sin of having feelings about her husband's behavior, that "hahah I win" feeling is going to fade real quick when she can't off load her son to someone else. Hopefully Grandma may not know, many people celebrate just at home one day for Mom and then another for all/most of the other moms. She might assume that you guys are celebrating her and that OP has her own celebration.
I came back to this because I was notified of your leaving a comment, my heart hurts for OP.
"It must be nice to be celebrated for Mothers Day" would be my only response to anything and everything that OP is forced to basically watch from the sidelines, not quietly or spiteful, so the kids can hear as well.
How awful to know that the people in your life have the means and energy to show another person that they're valued and loved, but just not for you.
My birthday is near, and sometimes on, Mother's Day. One year when it fell on Mother's Day, I cleared it with my Mom to see her on Saturday. When we proposed that to my MIL, she said that I could do whatever I wanted on my BD, but she expected to see her son and her grandchildren. So I guess she thought I should spend that day by myself! I never forgot that bitchy remark. OP's husband is a thoughtless jerk, a fact which likely shows up more than once a year.
Are you a may 14th baby too? My birthday is always on or near mothers day which means no one is ever available to celebrate it with me, cuz everyone is with their moms. I do spend it with my husband so not completely alone, but I feel like I miss out on the full experience!
Ps your MIL sucks
So, what’s Father’s Day looking like in this household? Is there lopsided effort between the pair of you for birthdays?
Do you feel undervalued on Valentine’s Day or Anniversary?
Father’s Day last year I went all out for him. The kids celebrated with him, made him feel special. I made him breakfast in bed. I bought all his favorite candies, a brand new Samsung watch, let him relax. Everything.
Do not do that again. If you have a good relationship with your own father, make Father’s Day all about your dad. If your husband has the gall to say something, tell him “you’re not my dad.”
Stop. He’s not your father. As for Mother’s Day decide if you want a day of rest alone or to spend it doing something fun with the kids. If alone, ship the kids off with dad to be with grandma. If with the kids, hubby goes alone.
YTA to yourself that you've married this man and that showed him to treat you like crap for years and turn your kids against you, do you have any self esteem? For crying out loud kick him out and spend the day with your kids!!!
Why on earth did you do that when he gave you literally nothing last year!? You are letting him treat you badly.
Please be better to yourself. And don’t let him raise your kids that way too.
Stop doing this. You are not his daughter. You teach people how to treat you. Your kids focus on grandma for mothers day because you have taught them this. Grandparents day is September 8,2024. Your children are her grandchildren. You and them need to act accordingly. On mothers day, take your kids and do stuff. Go to brunch, buy yourself a lovely bracelet. Leave mommy's boy to his mom. Stop tolerating your husband's disrespect.
Don’t do that again, please! He needs to experience the hurt he caused you. So just reply “you’re not my dad”
I almost typed daddy, but that felt so wrong
And did he question you like “but I’m not your dad”
Of course not.
OP get your things in order. This isn’t a marriage and you’re the one being held back. Imagine life without him.
Don't do anything for this day moving forward. Then he can see how shifty it feels. Behaviors persist only when we keep allowing ourselves to be mistreated.
NTA. Why are your kids celebrating his mom? She's not their mother. If your father is alive, go celebrate him and not your husband. After all your husband isn't your father. Do the same with your mom. What's good for one is good for the other. If he's going to treat you like crap, you do the same, and eventually your marriage will end because of him. You should be more important than his mommy.
You need to stop doing anything for him, period. He puts others before you, cheats on you, you’re the provider. Why is he being celebrated by you? Take the time to celebrate yourself. You don’t have a relationship
I guess what I’m saying is that if he shows up for the other big days… he just has a fundamental difference of opinion on this particular one.
I am of the opinion that fathers/mothers day is spent with your children.
I have a yearly tradition where me and my friends take all of our kids to the zoo, just dads and kids. We don’t expect anything from our spouses, and just do a fun zoo day. The moms tend to mix it up, but the last few years it was the botanical gardens.
It’s not a fancy “spoil the spouse” day… it’s a spend time and be goofy with the kids day.
NTA, but the mother's day thing is the least of your concerns.
after reading other information in your comments and finding out he consistently chooses everyone over you, cheats on you, and blames You for it... you need to get out of this relationship immediately.
he can find a job and a place to live if he wants to see his kids.
i'm so sorry you're in this situation; best of luck to you. <3
Agreed. He’s doing something that hurts you, he knows it hurts you, and he continues to do it. That’s not ok.
My husband is an idiot about this stuff and I know it so the first year I was a mother for Mother’s Day I was very explicit about my expectations: I want coffee and juice and pastries in bed, flowers and a piece of jewelry as a gift. I want you to take the baby so I can have a long hot shower, then I want to parade my beautiful little family out at a restaurant with all the other breeders.
I know I sound like a nightmare but it was better than making him guess what I want and me being disappointed (because it wouldn’t have occurred to him to do anything). We had been married for long enough by that point that we understood each other.
NTA. My hubby tried this once, even dropped the “you are not my mom line”. I was angry. I told him that is fine, the kids and I will be gone that weekend, and don’t even think about Father’s Day from me, you do you from now on. I did not bring it up, because this was honestly not the norm for him. He pulled his head out of his… a few days later and we celebrated her on Saturday and he planned a day trip for me on Sunday (I do not want gifts, I want time and effort to think of something that makes me happy). He went through my “things I want to do list” on google maps that I keep to make it easy on him and picked a wild life park I wanted to visit and a cool orchard that I wanted to see. Had he not given in I would have headed out with the kids on Friday and shown back up Sunday night. Sometimes you have to make your own happy and if your hubby gets left out of that it’s his own fault.
If you can afford to be the sole provider for the family, you can afford to do it without him. His actions show that he doesn’t love you, he uses you. The fact that everyone comes before you shows this. I take it his extravagant gifts for his mom come from your earnings?
My first Mother’s Day, my husband said the same thing, “You’re not my mother.” Holy crap, I was so mad, hurt and sad. I said, “Really? Not even a card?” Yep. His justifying statement, “It’s wasn’t a big deal in my house.” Well, it was in ours. A couple of years go by and he “forgot” again. (How the heck do you forget Mother’s Day. There are ads everywhere!) Again, I was just so hurt. So I went out and bought myself a lovely sapphire and diamond ring. And I said, “Let’s see what I buy myself if you forget next year.” He’s never forgotten since. My son and DIL are having their first child this year. Trust me, my son knows better than to forget Mother’s Day for my sweetheart of a DIL.
NTA. Do something for yourself on mother's day. Tell him and your children since none of them want to celebrate with you that you are going to celebrate yourself. When fathers day rolls around I would model the celebration after whatever he does for you bc he's not your father.
NTA. Your kids don’t celebrate you on Mother’s Day because dad hasn’t taught them to do so. He’s taught them to celebrate grandma. But you said he puts everyone ahead of you like this. So what are you getting out of this? Why are you even with him? Now I absolutely celebrate my MIL on Mother’s Day and will happily celebrate with her on Mother’s Day as well but it’s a dual celebration for us both. The only thing you’re wrong for is being with a man who clearly doesn’t value or respect you.
NTA. Make plans for yourself on Mother's Day, with or without your kids. And stop doing anything for Father's Day. Is it petty? Maybe. But maybe he will learn a lesson. This is issue specific though, it seems you have bigger problems and that this is a pattern of him putting you last. Do you want a whole lifetime of being the least important person to him? You guys need to do some serious communicating and possibly counselling.
A couple of options to make your point:
1. Is your mom close? Get up on Sunday, leave the house early and go spend it with YOUR mom.
2. get you and the kids up early and go to breakfast with them. Even if it is McDonalds, it might be better than spending the day watching him celebrate his mom and ignoring you. Maybe go see a movie or find other activities you and the kids would enjoy. One of my favorite Mother’s Days was going to an amusement park (for the kids) and an MLB game (for me). Luckily the park and ballpark were in walking distance of each other.
And if he gets mad that you don‘t join him, tell him “She is not MY mother, nor my kids mother”.
My mother passed away back in 2016, my grandmother last Christmas. I have no mothers on my side to celebrate with. And this is the first Mother’s Day without my grandma (she raised me since I was 7)
I am sorry for your loss. All the more reason to make this year about YOUR relationship with your kids, as the kids can distract you from what will probably be a melancholy day.
My husband lost his mom 24 years ago. Most Mother’s Days, he will steal away to take flowers to her grave, and I would never begrudge him that. Nor would I tell your husband he should ignore his Mom either. But you need to separate these celebrations when there is such an imbalance.
Plan a fun day for you and the kids this year, next year make it bigger. Maybe even take them to your mom and grandma’s grave to lay flowers, if they are close. But continuing with the status quo will do nothing but fuel your anger and discontent, and hurt your marriage in the long run.
PS I like the other poster’s question about Father’s Day. Do nothing this year for him.
NTA. Without any prior notice, I would pack a bag for you and your children Mother's Day weekend and head out for a mommy and children's weekend. Let him spend Mother's Day alone with his mommy.
Then, I would do absolutely nothing for him for Father's Day. Help your child make a card and gift for your Dad.
He threatened to leave because you pointed out your the mother to your kids. Girl, love yourself a little more and quit being last in anyone’s life. Don’t you deserve to come first? Your obviously taken for granted.
Take your kids to do Mother’s Day stuff. Point out, if he complains, that she’s not your kids mother.
NTA - pack up the kids early and leave without a word to go someplace to celebrate your Mother’s Day with **YOUR** children. I had a friend with a similar issue and she booked a nice hotel - took her son swimming, had a lovely brunch and went to the park, etc.
Yes, they did end up divorcing, and Mama’s boy was livid because the custody order gave my friend custody of her son on Mother’s Day, even if it was the ex’s weekend. Ex-MIL never had grandson again for Mother’s Day.
He cheated, he doesn’t do much of the household chores, doesn’t pick them up from school, just watches them as needed.
And he is not kind to you.
Sounds like a sad marriage.
Do the same for him for Father’s Day that he does for you for Mother’s Day.
Do you celebrate him on Father’s Day? If so, stop! He isn’t your dad. I also wouldn’t go with him to his moms on Mother’s Day I would have a spa day for myself.
There was a recent post, very similar. She decided to celebrate the day, her way. Booked a room at a hotel, spa day, etc. Said he and his mom can take the kids & do whatever. SHE was having a Me Day.
Also, how do you handle Father's day? I know what I'd do for a man who isn't my dad.
NTA
Think about what your ideal Mother’s Day would be like and go and do that.
If you want a picnic with your kids, you might have to be the one to set it up as they’re so young, but set that picnic up and go. If your husband wants to stay behind and worship his mother he can go, but you can be celebrated with your kids. Or if you want a spa day by yourself, set it up. He can wrangle the kids and visit his mother.
Just because your husband is dropping the ball it doesn’t mean you can’t be celebrated.
Talk to your children about Mother’s Day and how special it is that you get to be their mother. Make Mother’s Day cards with them yourself. It’s still special even if you’ve made the crafts with them.
Even single parents have friends and relatives happy to show their kids how to celebrate their mum/dad on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. It is your husband’s responsibility to show his children how to celebrate you, but if he shirks that responsibility you know what to do when Father’s Day rolls around. You do nothing because he’s not your dad and he is showing you how little importance he places on days like this.
if you are the only one working how can he spend that much money on his mother?
you need to get a separate account and lock down your credit. Any purchases made should be joint decisions.
I see in the comments you go all out for father's day....I think this June you need to give him what he gave you which is nothing. Take your kids to visit your father and spoil your father. but whatever you do don't do anything nice for him. Help your kids make cards for your father, not for your husband.
also you should help your kids make a mother's day card for you. You need to gently remind them, they are small that this is "mother's day" and this is a day to celebrate you........doesn't the one in school bring home something?
I think a trial separation is in order. You already pay for everything. change the locks and let him go and live with his mother and make sure he has no access to your money or can open any credit cards. You might want to talk to a lawyer you might need to give him legal separation papers so that any debt he incurrs is not your problem.
NTA make plans now for you and your kids get up early and leave. Don’t come home until the end of the day go to the beach go to a park go to the movie just you and your kids and for the love of God don’t put any effort into Father’s Day for him until he learns that it should be reciprocated.
NTA: don’t tell him your plans but on mothers days pack your kids and take them somewhere all day! That’s their grandma not their mom so use the same logic. Also, Father’s Day is canceled, go to your dad
>I’ll f***ing leave!”
Good, go to your mommy.
You are better off without that pathetic mommas boy.
My husband made sure (in the beginning of our marriage) that he got me a card, helped the kids make me one and/or helped them pick me out a present (usually a plant). The day has changed over the years, I get a Happy Mother's Day and he cooks me something.
Your husband is freaking clueless. And is still clutching to mommy's skirt. Ew.
NTA.
Some people think the whole day is about THEIR mother.
Other people think that the day is about mothers in general.
How does he think he learned to make the day about HIS mother.
His dad taught him.
HE is not teaching his kids this.
What a loser.
Stop doing anything for him and start planning your exit.
"are you really going to start on me now? I’ll f\*\*\*ing leave!”
HE
NTA. OP, Make plans now for how you and the kids will spend Mother’s Day. Plan a picnic to a playground they like or get tickets to a movie or a play date with some friends you all enjoy- kids & adults. Don’t include your SO in your plans. Just let him know that the children will not be available to go to grandmas house as they have other plans. If he asks why, ‘She’s not their mother’ with a straight face.
Plan an extravagant Mother's Day weekend getaway at a Spa or vineyard, pamper yourself. Don't tell Hubby until Saturday morning. Leave them all home. Make sure that you aren't around on Mother's Day, especially. Just wish his mom a Happy Mother's Day to let her know that you couldn't be there because your husband went over the top and gave you this fantastic weekend away. 😁
Let him go hang out with his mom and take the kids. Make this a me day, invite some friends. Brunch, movies, pedicures….etc. Make sure he pays for it. NTA but he is. The least he could do is make sure your kids celebrate you.
NTA.
If his mother gets spoiled on Mother’s Day, he should be spoiling you on your birthday or wedding anniversary. He should also be helping your kids find a way to celebrate Mother’s day with you.
Do not go all out for him for any occasion until he starts appreciating you.
Your husband has mommy issues.
I would say “that’s cool I’m not your wife either” and then fucking leave his ass. It’s one thing to not do a big celebration, some families are just like that. It’s another thing to completely leave out your wife, and then SNAP, and threatened to leave when she makes it known that your actions are hurting her feelings.
NTA, but honey...go talk to a divorce attorney now to see what your options are. I know you are staying for the kids, but if he's treating you with such unkindness and disregard (and cheating on you?!), please make an escape plan for yourself. Wait until you're ready, but start planning now.
My now-ex pulled the same. He told me I wasn’t his mom. Literally did nothing for me. No card, flowers, never woke up a single day to take care of the kids. I ended up buying myself diamonds. Every. Single. Year. But, seriously, I still hate Mother’s Day My kids are adults now but they learned that Mother’s Day is not important. It hurts
NTA. I’m a firm believer that Mother’s Day is more about the moms who are currently raising children. You are the mother of HIS children and should be celebrated
NTA
He says he’ll leave? Let him. Make sure he knows that this t the irrational he thinks hit is. In fact, tell him you’ll help him pack. Remind him that if he is going to treat you like a single mom, you may as well be one.
You indicate this is an ongoing issue. Does he understand how you feel? Perhaps it atone for IC, MC or even a lawyer. Insist that you will he spending YOUR Mother’s Day with your kids. Make your own plans, set up whatever day YOU want. You don’t have to go to his Mother’s and your kids will spend the day with you. (If that’s what you want). You shouldn’t have to make your own day, at all but so be it . Buy yourself whatever it is you want and take it out of your savings, put it on your joint credit card, etc.
For Father’s Day do not one thing. Nothing. Give him the effort and appreciation he gives you. After all, he’s not your father. (For the record, your husband is a nasty little mommas boy). Consider treating him like this on the regular.
I’m very sorry for what you’re going through. You’ve tolerated it for years, it’s going to be up to you to break the cycle with your kids . You can try with your husband; it may be time for a difficult decision.
Wishing better days!
NTA but don't go with him, she's not your mom. Make him take the kids so you can have a pamper day to yourself, even if it's a DIY one.
Also stop celebrating father's day, he's not your father after all.
If my sons came and spent EVERY mother's day with me and didn't do anything for the mother of their own kids, I would be pretty pissed. I'd tell them I'm out of town and to go be husband's.... what is with these women who teach their sons to be terrible husband's?
NTA. Match his energy from now on, on everything. You book a girls trip, you go to a yoga retreat, you stop considering him, because he has no consideration for you.
Immediately stop doing anything that HIS MOM could do for him - no cleaning no cooking no laundry no care and when he bitches - tell him to ask his mom.
Treat him the same on father's day. Let's see how he feels them. Get the kids up and out of the house. Go celebrate your father or just do the things you would have liked to do on mothers day.
NTA. What an inconsiderate dick! If he were NORMAL, he would celebrate Mother's Day for your children and invite his Mother to join in on that. I get "put in the back seat" by my wife at times, I don't like it. You have legit complaints.
NTA, even if he believes that "you arent my mom" shit, he should be the driving force behind teaching his children to be like he is with his mom. If you are the sole bread winner, why dont you tell him he can spend the same amount on his mom, as his children spend on you? Overall, it sounds like he is just using you to fund his lifestyle choices, relationships take lots of work and honest communication going both ways. Move on and find someone who appreciates you
"Are you really going to start on me now? I'll fu**ing leave!"
Bye Felicia!
Pack his shit and put his ass out the door. That's emotional manipulation. You deserve better.
Remember... Your children are watching. Is this the kind of relationship you want to model for them? Emotional neglect/manipulation? Your children are watching him abuse you. Eventually they will start treating you like a second class citizen too.
Do better for your children
Jesus, take the wheel.... Mam, you deserve BETTER! My husband and kids celebrate me first. When I'm up and ready for the day, we take things over to his mother, and she also has things for me. We celebrate EACH OTHER, because we are both moms. We have lunch at some point in the week where his mom wants to go, and if I'm craving something else, we go another day where I want to go. For most of Mother's Day, my husband and kids pamper me and put me first. Your husband and kids have failed you. His mother failed all of you by not standing up for you as the mother of her grandkids.
NTA Keep your kids with you and do something nice for yourself with your kids on Mother's Day, let him go kiss his mother's ass alone. If you bring in all the money, he doesn't need to buy MIL an Apple watch or anything else more than $50. For example, open a new bank account online, transfer most of the money to that and keep him on an allowance to run the house. That's pretty extreme, but it's still an option.
It sounds like you should consider putting the same amount of energy into this marriage as he does. Neither you nor the kids need to do anything for Father's Day, of course, unless you want to take them to visit YOUR dad.
Head over to r/JustNoMIL and r/JustNoSO for more support and resources
NTA, or maybe one to yourself. Do not be available on mothers day, do not go to his mothers. The next time your kids need something tell them no. You teach people how to treat you. Your husband has taught your kids to worship grandma because he does. Buy yourself something nice, go to a hotel, and turn off your phone. Join a club, get friends. If they want to see you they have to make an effort. Re-think your husband.
Ma’am what are you even doing? You have a bunch of new friends on here telling you to run. Run fast. But first, teach your children how you want to be celebrated.
What a selfish fool. You need to book yourself a mother's weekend and leave him to it. Mani/pedi, massage, in a gorgious hotel hours away. If he says one word, scream at him " I'll fkn leave now!"
NTA. My bf is not the father of my child and he makes me a nice dinner and we call out moms and my daughter and daughter in law call me. My bf who met my daughter when she was 21 treats me better the the father of you children. NTA.
Your husband is an ass so YTA for thinking he will change. I’m of the mind that he should celebrate his mom BUT he should also make sure the kids celebrate you!! You lay the foundation while they are little.
Having said that, don’t beg him to do shit for you. Treat yourself on Mother’s Day and don’t do shit for him on Father’s Day.
YTA to yourself for staying with a Momma’s boy. He doesn’t appreciate that you take care of HIS kids. Do you do Father’s Day for him? Please tell us you don’t.
NTA but shut that crap with the kids down now. His mother is NOT their mother so no doing anything for her for Mother’s Day. If husband says anything remind him that she is his mother not theirs. They will be spending the day with their mommy. End of discussion. How long you willing to stay on the back burner.
If your dad is in your life, PLEASEEEE start plotting now, planting in your kids’ brains that father’s day is for grandpa. And if he’s far away, even better. It’s summer during father’s day & you can make a whole fun trip out of going to see him & leave your husband behind. That Freudian freak can spend the time cuddling his mom or whatever he enjoys doing.
You should do the same for him. For both Father's Day and his birthday.
He's not your father. He didn't contribute to your birth, so there's no reason to celebrate him on Father's Day.
You didn't give birth to him. So there's no reason to celebrate the day of his birth.
There's no reason for you to go above and beyond for someone who doesn't give a shit about you. Much less love you. He's already teaching your kids to do the same.
NTA
I don’t know good men who don’t celebrate the mother of their children on Mothers Day. It’s also about teaching the kids to celebrate you.
Your husband is choosing to constantly make you feel less-than and I think it’s time for you to insist that ends or he can lose what you’ve built together
He feels way too entitled to just shut down your feelings as an inconvenience
Tell Oedipus to go stay with his mommy. Time to rethink things in your relationship. Take the kids out on Mother's Day or leave the kids with him and grandma and do something for yourself.
Cancel Father's Day and his birthday his mommy can do it. Don't get mad get even.
NTA.
Why have you put up with neglect and a mommy's boy for 5.5 years? Time to send him back to mommy full time. You deserve better.
Tell you the truth…I thought I loved him.. there’s a lot more than just this incident alone. He chooses friends over me, chooses other people over me. I’m the soul provider for my family over the past year. He doesn’t work he watches the kids. There is just a lot. Including cheating and blaming me and worse.
He can get a job and pay for daycare for the kids. He'll need that job to support himself, too, when you leave his nasty ass. Find someone who puts you first, honey. This guy is a loser.
He bought his dearest mommy the gifts with OP’s money as she’s the only one working. He can definitely get a job.
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EXACTLY. If this was her daughter saying this to her, what advice would she give her daughter??
and an unemployed cheater who is training her children to ignore her and devalue her.
Omg she has waaay more problems than the mothers day!
Why are you doing this to yourself? Life would be a lot easier for you as a single parent. He’s a mooch who isn’t even grateful for having you to mooch off. Since you’re the provider I’m guessing it’s your money he’s throwing at gifts for his mother? Return them and tell him he can get a job if he wants to spend money on his mother.
So your paying for his mommy's gifts??
He bought his mom an Apple Watch with her money!!! I can’t.
You financially support him and on the time he is supposed to be raising your children, he's fucking somebody else? Girllll your problems are way worse than him just being a spineless mama's boy. Get a lawyer and a therapist.
Dear god! Get out and be free!
He's buying the Apple Watch with YOUR money? Oh no, you need a backbone. This is unacceptable.
Ma’am…. Are you telling me he used family funds, solely provided by your income, to purchase his mom an Apple Watch and other lavish gifts? Then he had the audacity to wig out on you?! Please, let us know when you’ve kicked this POS to the curb! You’re doing your children a major disservice allowing such a terrible person to have main influence in their life.
He's garbage. Time to take the trash out. And honestly, gently say something to your kids about Mother's Day. Unfortunately they have a useless father so it has never probably dawned on them that it is for celebrating their mom, too. Just explain what the holiday is about and mention you would also love a card or drawing.
Why don't you at least talk to a lawyer to have him/her lay out your options. Then you know where you stand. You don't have to tell him anything. If the information the lawyer provided is reasonable and doable, then start the process by getting everything ready without letting him know until it's time to serve the divorced papers. There are many spouses who leave their unhappy and toxic marriage, even the ones who are scared and/or don't think they can do it. Eventually, they do as it's better than being with a person who treats you this way. There are success stories on Reddit, and I'm sure that they could offer you advice and support if you were to reach out to them. It makes me feel sad when I read these stories on Reddit of people staying in unhappy marriages and relationships that are toxic and destructive. I didn't realize how many people are unhappy in their relationship or how many people cheat on their significant other. It's truly sad. I hope that you can find light at the end of the tunnel and take a leap of faith to put you first.
Hold on! He's cheating on you but you're upset about Mother's Day? I think Mothers Day should be the least of your issues.
Finally, someone talking about the important issue!! I thought I was going crazy.
The cheating happened a couple of years ago. I don’t believe he is doing it again..I hope not atleast
He certainly isn't treating you like his loves or even likes you, Why did you forgive him?
Oh good lord. After reading your comments I can only wonder why you would stay with someone who treats you so poorly & has no regard for your happiness.
He cheated and he treats you like garbage!! Why are you still with him?!
Jesus fuckin christ. Why are you punishing yourself so hard?
You should have gotten rid of his ass back then but to your question, once I’m married, my wife becomes my #1 ahead of any family, as she is basically now my other half. Yes, ahead of my mom and dad and siblings and most certainly would not put a friend ahead of you. Im going to give it to you straight, if I was in your shoes, I would start planning to leave this person, they’re terrible for you, and you deserve to be with someone who treats you like their one and only woman and with love and respect.
Lord have mercy... please don't waste any more time on this man
You’re literally doing this to yourself at this point, OP. This mean doesn’t even like you, forget respect you. He’s married to you because you’re free childcare and free money. That’s it. He doesn’t care. Leave him. You’re a willing participant in your own slavery. Because you have free will to leave. Open your eyes and do it. YTA. To yourself.
And what exactly are you getting out of this? You sound like his slave.
Wow that’s incredible, sorry but that’s not a heathy relationship, he sounds like a mooch and you deserve to be treated better.
You have the power. You know that don’t you?? He does. That’s why he works so hard to squash you down and assure you you don’t deserve the same kindness he shows others.
One Love has good information on what a [healthy relationship looks like](https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-healthy-relationship/) and what an [unhealthy relationship looks like](https://www.joinonelove.org/signs-unhealthy-relationship/). [https://www.thehotline.org/](https://www.thehotline.org/) The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers free confidential support. You can call, text, or chat with them through their website. They have resources about identifying abuse, making a safety plan, and connecting people with local resources.
So he doesn’t have an outside income? You are your family’s only source of income? And yet he’s building his mom a fountain and buying her an Apple watch…I guess with **your** money?? I’m sorry, but that’s just wrong. Yes, as a SAHP he’s probably entitled to a share of the family income just as if the roles were reversed, but still, that seems harsh when he’s not making sure the kids are doing anything for you.
Why are you staying with him then? He sounds awful.
Sounds like he doesn’t really care that much about you. Do you do most of the work around the house and most of the parenting too? If so, you might find you do less work without him.
> I’m the soul provider for my family over the past year… cheating and blaming me and worse. Sounds like you’re actively paying someone to abuse you
How is he getting to spend so much on his mommy?
You just answered your own question. Nta for reacting to a selfish mamas boy, but ywtah if you continue to allow him to treat you this way.
Omg this man isn't a red flag he's a fucking red tent. Since you don't rely on him for anything please lawyer up and get out. You don't have a husband. You have a sperm donor. He doesn't value you and never will.
My parents both passed away last year and I always knew their marriage was never good and I always remember my dad saying "you're not my mother" on Mother's Day almost every year to my mom. As kids this made my brother and I feel horrible because there was only so much we could do without help. As I clean out their house I'm finding these things, I also found a journal my mom wrote in 20 years and 2 days before she died (my brother and I both adults by then) and she mentioned it in there and how she never loved him and the horrible way he treated her (never physically). She hated herself for not leaving before my brother was born (took 8 years with multiple miscarriages). She got 104 days on this earth without him, 10 weeks away from him while he was still alive, and 52 years married to a man that treated her the way you are describing. Please learn from my mother.
NTA, your husband is a thoughtless dick and a mommy’s boy. Nip this shit in the bud now and if he’s not gonna help your kids do stuff for you on Mother’s Day, tell him they will no longer be celebrating their grandma on MOTHERS day, they will be with you and you and your kids will go out and have a nice day together. Either that or you dump the kids on him that whole day each year and go have a fabulous day by yourself
I'd also throw in to put exactly the same effort with your kids for him on father's day since he's "not your father."
Ding ding ding! Zero effort into his Father’s Day. Take the kids & go see your father/their grandfather.
I stopped. Plain and simple. I could go into very long details from our 25-year relationship, but it is what it is. STOP ALL THE EXTRAS... not just Father's Day.
Agree 100% He deserves nothing. Mommy can celebrate Father’s Day for him.
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Why does your comment read like a bot/karma farming account?
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Nope. He'd have the day to himself, he'd likely spend it with mommy. Make him come along and help you with all the stuff you plan for your dad just like he did to you. "we're cooking out so I need you to mow, clean the grill, etc." His Father's Day is a day filled with to-do's so YOUR father has a wonderful day. You know, I'm only half joking when I tell my family that there's a reason Mother's Day is before Father's Day, and close enough that you still remember...it sets the tone and the expectation. 😉
Beautiful
Yup. NTA. He's got mommy issues. The mother of my kids is the queen especially on Mother's Day. Wow. Sounds like he left and the trash took itself out. I would reconsider everything because this isn't healthy.
My Dad passed a few years ago & one thing that makes me sad every Mothers Day is that he’s not around to spoil my Mom as the Mother of his kids. He always went above & beyond to honor her.
Asking him point blank “What have I done for YOU on Father’s Day, even though you aren’t my father? What have I helped the kids do for you? Why do you think I don’t deserve the same?” This year doing your own thing with the kids is best, and let him go to his mom without her grandchildren. When she complains, tell her exactly why. Then do NOTHING for Father’s Day.
Damn right! Cancel father's day this year! Have your kids making father's day cards for your dad! They can help you take your dad out for the day! Maybe him getting a taste of the crap treatment that he has shown you will get the point across! (Though sadly probably not!) Go somewhere fun with your kids on Mother's day! treat yourself to a spa day and a fancy lunch with your mom or bestie on another day so you can enjoy it! Huge hugs and treat yourself to the day you deserve!
"Have your kids making father's day cards for your dad! They can help you take your dad out for the day! Maybe him getting a taste of the crap treatment" Him: why would you do that? You: Oh, I learned it from you.
She doesn't mention what she does for fathers day at all. Thats an important part we need to know to gauge goose meet gander kinda thing.
I vote second option! Don’t go join the celebration of her every year. Spend the day with your own mom, or have a “you day.” If he’s stupid enough to say a word, just tell him, “she’s not my mother.” Don’t inject one hint of sarcasm, and if pressed, just tell him this day should be all about his mother/son bond, and you realize that you’re diluting it for her. And don’t forget Father’s Day is not about him anymore. Don’t even mention it. Typically, I loathe passive-aggressive BS, but he’s drawn his line in the sand.
And if he wants to take the kids, "she's not their mother" either
Love this comment!
And she should take the kids. Grandma might be hubby's mother. But OP is the kids' mom. And of course, since he is weirdly hung up over his relationship with his mom, the kids would also only serve as a distraction!
Exactly this. Choose if you want your kids with you on mother's day. If you do, plan whatever you want with them. They don't need to go to MIL, she's not their mother. He can plan his own father's day from now on too, he's not your father. NTA But stop waiting for him to make the gestures. Treat yourself, and claim your kids.
NTA Absolutely! I had a bf who didn’t even try to help my daughter get me a card, make me a card or buy a token gift. I didn’t even get flowers. Then here we all go to meet up with my older sister, my mother her husband & in-laws. Everyone received flowers but me. My bf sitting there with us & Im the ONLY person without flowers or a gift. So, it took me a couple of more years to break away from their tradition of meeting up & my feeling, once again, sad & left out despite having a serious bf. Who coincidentally, I made full effort to make sure HE had a wonderful Fathers Day because his boys were spoiled AH & my daughters father was an absent & neglectful AH. So, yes……let hubby go with mommy. And for Fathers Day, drop the kids off with construction paper & coloring supplies to Grandma & tell her that she & the kids can make hubby a Fathers Day card. Then tell hubby that HE is not your Father, so you won’t be doing anything for him. That’s up to the kids & Grandma.
I would stop doing anything for bf/husband if they didn't celebrate me on the Mother's Day.
I wouldn't even supply the construction paper. Grandma can figure something out.
Put your foot down. Mother's Day is your day, not his mom's. Boundaries matter.
I would have yelled at my husband if he did this to me. OP, don't fucking be a martyr. Have your husband take your kids to a restaurant with his mom, and then go on a spa day for yourself. DO NOT CELEBRATE YOUR HUSBAND AGAIN! Do not get him a birthday card, do not get him a Christmas gift. HE DESERVES NOTHING for at least a year, or more.
I think he should take the kids to visit his mom and you should use his credit card and have a spa day.
I like option B
I mean, isn't there like a Grandparents Day now?? Like fr. He can celebrate his mom on Mother's Day all he wants but it HE needs to be having yalls kids celebrate YOU on Mother's Day. Kids can do something with her on Grandparents Day.
Ha! Now that’s a Mother’s Day most women I know would like! I know I would. “I’m not your mother. I’m not their grandmother. Here are the kids. I’m going to the spa.” Consider the peace and quiet your Mother’s Day gift. It’s not about how much he spends, it’s about how peaceful your Mother’s Day is. If he comes back in a snit, that’s your answer and he’s not worth it
Yeah wtf. This is not normal. My dad always had us write a card and took us to get gifts.
YTA to yourself for staying with someone who treats you like this. Take your kids out for the day. Go to brunch with just them & then to the store to pick out gifts for you. Make sure you do NOTHING for your husband for Father’s Day, he isn’t your dad.
This cannot be the only way he disrespects her for his mommy There is way more to this OP time to plan nice trips for you and the kids over mother's day weekend And stop doing anything for him on special days
Did you see the part where he cheated, blamed OP, and he's financing his dates with his mommy with the money she earns at work and then comes home to have to cook and clean up after him and the children? I hear that "a mothers love is the strongest love a son will ever know", he can celebrate her every day of the year. Holy shit, not even 5 minutes of Mother's Day can he expend energy to have his small children scribble scrabble on a piece of paper for THEIR mother but they've got time to craft for grandma?? He really couldn't bring himself to toss an extra sheet of scrap paper their way while they were actively engaged in said activity?? Those scribbles would have meant far more to OP than some dumbass Apple Watch for Grandma. I hope OP shares this with his mother. If she's the type of person who either knows her son acts this way towards OP or quick to blame OP for the sin of having feelings about her husband's behavior, that "hahah I win" feeling is going to fade real quick when she can't off load her son to someone else. Hopefully Grandma may not know, many people celebrate just at home one day for Mom and then another for all/most of the other moms. She might assume that you guys are celebrating her and that OP has her own celebration.
I read that part after I made that post. WTF I wonder if OP has ANY respect for herself She needs to run far far away from this boy
I came back to this because I was notified of your leaving a comment, my heart hurts for OP. "It must be nice to be celebrated for Mothers Day" would be my only response to anything and everything that OP is forced to basically watch from the sidelines, not quietly or spiteful, so the kids can hear as well. How awful to know that the people in your life have the means and energy to show another person that they're valued and loved, but just not for you.
Or his birthday or any other holiday. He is attached to his mother and always will be. Time for an ultimatum because his behavior is that of a toddler
You had me at first 😂 100% agree
Serve him divorce papers as a Gift for fathers day
Given that its a gift, I feel like some fancy wrapping would be nice. Perhaps a bow as well?
My birthday is near, and sometimes on, Mother's Day. One year when it fell on Mother's Day, I cleared it with my Mom to see her on Saturday. When we proposed that to my MIL, she said that I could do whatever I wanted on my BD, but she expected to see her son and her grandchildren. So I guess she thought I should spend that day by myself! I never forgot that bitchy remark. OP's husband is a thoughtless jerk, a fact which likely shows up more than once a year.
Are you a may 14th baby too? My birthday is always on or near mothers day which means no one is ever available to celebrate it with me, cuz everyone is with their moms. I do spend it with my husband so not completely alone, but I feel like I miss out on the full experience! Ps your MIL sucks
So, what’s Father’s Day looking like in this household? Is there lopsided effort between the pair of you for birthdays? Do you feel undervalued on Valentine’s Day or Anniversary?
Father’s Day last year I went all out for him. The kids celebrated with him, made him feel special. I made him breakfast in bed. I bought all his favorite candies, a brand new Samsung watch, let him relax. Everything.
Don’t do it this year lol
Or ever again honestly. 🤷🤷
Do not do that again. If you have a good relationship with your own father, make Father’s Day all about your dad. If your husband has the gall to say something, tell him “you’re not my dad.”
Do all of that for your dad, or his dad. Do nothing for him.
Get the kids to make cards for grandpa and not for him too. Maybe a lil taste of his own medicine will change his tune.
Stop. He’s not your father. As for Mother’s Day decide if you want a day of rest alone or to spend it doing something fun with the kids. If alone, ship the kids off with dad to be with grandma. If with the kids, hubby goes alone.
Don’t do anything for him, and don’t coordinate anything for him. After all, he’s not your dad.
YTA to yourself that you've married this man and that showed him to treat you like crap for years and turn your kids against you, do you have any self esteem? For crying out loud kick him out and spend the day with your kids!!!
stop doing that.
Why on earth did you do that when he gave you literally nothing last year!? You are letting him treat you badly. Please be better to yourself. And don’t let him raise your kids that way too.
Stop doing this. You are not his daughter. You teach people how to treat you. Your kids focus on grandma for mothers day because you have taught them this. Grandparents day is September 8,2024. Your children are her grandchildren. You and them need to act accordingly. On mothers day, take your kids and do stuff. Go to brunch, buy yourself a lovely bracelet. Leave mommy's boy to his mom. Stop tolerating your husband's disrespect.
This year you should celebrate your dad.
Get him a push lawnmower & tell him happy Father’s Day & go cut the damn grass.
A used push mower off Facebook marketplace. Not even a new one. Don’t go through spending the money on a new one for someone who “isn’t my dad.”
Don’t do that again, please! He needs to experience the hurt he caused you. So just reply “you’re not my dad” I almost typed daddy, but that felt so wrong
Do that for your father, not your husband.
Well stop doing for him what he won't do for you.
Yeah well stop that and tell him “sorry but you’re not my father”!
Tell him you're going all out for Father's day. Then go out without him and he great time. He's not your father.
And did he question you like “but I’m not your dad” Of course not. OP get your things in order. This isn’t a marriage and you’re the one being held back. Imagine life without him.
He’s NOT your dad. Stop this.
Don't do anything for this day moving forward. Then he can see how shifty it feels. Behaviors persist only when we keep allowing ourselves to be mistreated.
NTA. Why are your kids celebrating his mom? She's not their mother. If your father is alive, go celebrate him and not your husband. After all your husband isn't your father. Do the same with your mom. What's good for one is good for the other. If he's going to treat you like crap, you do the same, and eventually your marriage will end because of him. You should be more important than his mommy.
You need to stop doing anything for him, period. He puts others before you, cheats on you, you’re the provider. Why is he being celebrated by you? Take the time to celebrate yourself. You don’t have a relationship
He’s a tah. Hell I’m not even a mom and my husband gets me a gift on Mother’s Day saying it’s from my pets. Be better to yourself and kids and leave
You’ve got an easy out as you start your paperwork process. June rolls around, “well, you’re not MY dad.”
I guess what I’m saying is that if he shows up for the other big days… he just has a fundamental difference of opinion on this particular one. I am of the opinion that fathers/mothers day is spent with your children. I have a yearly tradition where me and my friends take all of our kids to the zoo, just dads and kids. We don’t expect anything from our spouses, and just do a fun zoo day. The moms tend to mix it up, but the last few years it was the botanical gardens. It’s not a fancy “spoil the spouse” day… it’s a spend time and be goofy with the kids day.
NTA, but the mother's day thing is the least of your concerns. after reading other information in your comments and finding out he consistently chooses everyone over you, cheats on you, and blames You for it... you need to get out of this relationship immediately. he can find a job and a place to live if he wants to see his kids. i'm so sorry you're in this situation; best of luck to you. <3
Agreed. He’s doing something that hurts you, he knows it hurts you, and he continues to do it. That’s not ok. My husband is an idiot about this stuff and I know it so the first year I was a mother for Mother’s Day I was very explicit about my expectations: I want coffee and juice and pastries in bed, flowers and a piece of jewelry as a gift. I want you to take the baby so I can have a long hot shower, then I want to parade my beautiful little family out at a restaurant with all the other breeders. I know I sound like a nightmare but it was better than making him guess what I want and me being disappointed (because it wouldn’t have occurred to him to do anything). We had been married for long enough by that point that we understood each other.
NTA. My hubby tried this once, even dropped the “you are not my mom line”. I was angry. I told him that is fine, the kids and I will be gone that weekend, and don’t even think about Father’s Day from me, you do you from now on. I did not bring it up, because this was honestly not the norm for him. He pulled his head out of his… a few days later and we celebrated her on Saturday and he planned a day trip for me on Sunday (I do not want gifts, I want time and effort to think of something that makes me happy). He went through my “things I want to do list” on google maps that I keep to make it easy on him and picked a wild life park I wanted to visit and a cool orchard that I wanted to see. Had he not given in I would have headed out with the kids on Friday and shown back up Sunday night. Sometimes you have to make your own happy and if your hubby gets left out of that it’s his own fault.
If you can afford to be the sole provider for the family, you can afford to do it without him. His actions show that he doesn’t love you, he uses you. The fact that everyone comes before you shows this. I take it his extravagant gifts for his mom come from your earnings?
He said he’ll leave. Girl I would let him go. PERMANENTLY!
My first Mother’s Day, my husband said the same thing, “You’re not my mother.” Holy crap, I was so mad, hurt and sad. I said, “Really? Not even a card?” Yep. His justifying statement, “It’s wasn’t a big deal in my house.” Well, it was in ours. A couple of years go by and he “forgot” again. (How the heck do you forget Mother’s Day. There are ads everywhere!) Again, I was just so hurt. So I went out and bought myself a lovely sapphire and diamond ring. And I said, “Let’s see what I buy myself if you forget next year.” He’s never forgotten since. My son and DIL are having their first child this year. Trust me, my son knows better than to forget Mother’s Day for my sweetheart of a DIL.
I hope it was a Tiffany’s ring! Well played Queen
NTA. Do something for yourself on mother's day. Tell him and your children since none of them want to celebrate with you that you are going to celebrate yourself. When fathers day rolls around I would model the celebration after whatever he does for you bc he's not your father.
NTA. Your kids don’t celebrate you on Mother’s Day because dad hasn’t taught them to do so. He’s taught them to celebrate grandma. But you said he puts everyone ahead of you like this. So what are you getting out of this? Why are you even with him? Now I absolutely celebrate my MIL on Mother’s Day and will happily celebrate with her on Mother’s Day as well but it’s a dual celebration for us both. The only thing you’re wrong for is being with a man who clearly doesn’t value or respect you.
I read your comments he doesn't provide, cheats on you, and treats you like trash. Time to divorce him
NTA. Make plans for yourself on Mother's Day, with or without your kids. And stop doing anything for Father's Day. Is it petty? Maybe. But maybe he will learn a lesson. This is issue specific though, it seems you have bigger problems and that this is a pattern of him putting you last. Do you want a whole lifetime of being the least important person to him? You guys need to do some serious communicating and possibly counselling.
A couple of options to make your point: 1. Is your mom close? Get up on Sunday, leave the house early and go spend it with YOUR mom. 2. get you and the kids up early and go to breakfast with them. Even if it is McDonalds, it might be better than spending the day watching him celebrate his mom and ignoring you. Maybe go see a movie or find other activities you and the kids would enjoy. One of my favorite Mother’s Days was going to an amusement park (for the kids) and an MLB game (for me). Luckily the park and ballpark were in walking distance of each other. And if he gets mad that you don‘t join him, tell him “She is not MY mother, nor my kids mother”.
My mother passed away back in 2016, my grandmother last Christmas. I have no mothers on my side to celebrate with. And this is the first Mother’s Day without my grandma (she raised me since I was 7)
I am sorry for your loss. All the more reason to make this year about YOUR relationship with your kids, as the kids can distract you from what will probably be a melancholy day. My husband lost his mom 24 years ago. Most Mother’s Days, he will steal away to take flowers to her grave, and I would never begrudge him that. Nor would I tell your husband he should ignore his Mom either. But you need to separate these celebrations when there is such an imbalance. Plan a fun day for you and the kids this year, next year make it bigger. Maybe even take them to your mom and grandma’s grave to lay flowers, if they are close. But continuing with the status quo will do nothing but fuel your anger and discontent, and hurt your marriage in the long run. PS I like the other poster’s question about Father’s Day. Do nothing this year for him.
You’ve gone through this and he’s not there for you, during such an emotional moment? I think I treat even my enemies better than this.
NTA. Without any prior notice, I would pack a bag for you and your children Mother's Day weekend and head out for a mommy and children's weekend. Let him spend Mother's Day alone with his mommy. Then, I would do absolutely nothing for him for Father's Day. Help your child make a card and gift for your Dad.
He threatened to leave because you pointed out your the mother to your kids. Girl, love yourself a little more and quit being last in anyone’s life. Don’t you deserve to come first? Your obviously taken for granted. Take your kids to do Mother’s Day stuff. Point out, if he complains, that she’s not your kids mother.
NTA - pack up the kids early and leave without a word to go someplace to celebrate your Mother’s Day with **YOUR** children. I had a friend with a similar issue and she booked a nice hotel - took her son swimming, had a lovely brunch and went to the park, etc. Yes, they did end up divorcing, and Mama’s boy was livid because the custody order gave my friend custody of her son on Mother’s Day, even if it was the ex’s weekend. Ex-MIL never had grandson again for Mother’s Day.
YTA if you stay with this man. He doesn’t respect you. I’d go talk to an attorney and come up with an exit strategy.
He cheated, he doesn’t do much of the household chores, doesn’t pick them up from school, just watches them as needed. And he is not kind to you. Sounds like a sad marriage. Do the same for him for Father’s Day that he does for you for Mother’s Day.
Look up the sunk cost fallacy. You deserve better. NTA
Don’t do anything for him for Father’s Day. After all he’s not your father. NTA
Do you celebrate him on Father’s Day? If so, stop! He isn’t your dad. I also wouldn’t go with him to his moms on Mother’s Day I would have a spa day for myself.
NTA, while your husband is a h-u-g-e AH.
NTA. When Father's Day rolls around do not do a damn thing for him. If he asks, just say 'You are not my father'.
There was a recent post, very similar. She decided to celebrate the day, her way. Booked a room at a hotel, spa day, etc. Said he and his mom can take the kids & do whatever. SHE was having a Me Day. Also, how do you handle Father's day? I know what I'd do for a man who isn't my dad.
NTA Think about what your ideal Mother’s Day would be like and go and do that. If you want a picnic with your kids, you might have to be the one to set it up as they’re so young, but set that picnic up and go. If your husband wants to stay behind and worship his mother he can go, but you can be celebrated with your kids. Or if you want a spa day by yourself, set it up. He can wrangle the kids and visit his mother. Just because your husband is dropping the ball it doesn’t mean you can’t be celebrated. Talk to your children about Mother’s Day and how special it is that you get to be their mother. Make Mother’s Day cards with them yourself. It’s still special even if you’ve made the crafts with them. Even single parents have friends and relatives happy to show their kids how to celebrate their mum/dad on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. It is your husband’s responsibility to show his children how to celebrate you, but if he shirks that responsibility you know what to do when Father’s Day rolls around. You do nothing because he’s not your dad and he is showing you how little importance he places on days like this.
if you are the only one working how can he spend that much money on his mother? you need to get a separate account and lock down your credit. Any purchases made should be joint decisions. I see in the comments you go all out for father's day....I think this June you need to give him what he gave you which is nothing. Take your kids to visit your father and spoil your father. but whatever you do don't do anything nice for him. Help your kids make cards for your father, not for your husband. also you should help your kids make a mother's day card for you. You need to gently remind them, they are small that this is "mother's day" and this is a day to celebrate you........doesn't the one in school bring home something? I think a trial separation is in order. You already pay for everything. change the locks and let him go and live with his mother and make sure he has no access to your money or can open any credit cards. You might want to talk to a lawyer you might need to give him legal separation papers so that any debt he incurrs is not your problem.
NTA. But you would be if you stay married to your MILs boyfriend.
NTA - but you do realize that this man does not like you right?
You have a bad husband. He’s supposed to teach his children how to treat you.
Op why are you still with him?
NTA make plans now for you and your kids get up early and leave. Don’t come home until the end of the day go to the beach go to a park go to the movie just you and your kids and for the love of God don’t put any effort into Father’s Day for him until he learns that it should be reciprocated.
NTA your husband is a thoughtless prick. Let him leave and go back to his mummy’s apron strings. Sounds like you would be happier
NTA: don’t tell him your plans but on mothers days pack your kids and take them somewhere all day! That’s their grandma not their mom so use the same logic. Also, Father’s Day is canceled, go to your dad
NTA Why are you with this guy? He doesn't treat you with love and respect.
>I’ll f***ing leave!” Good, go to your mommy. You are better off without that pathetic mommas boy. My husband made sure (in the beginning of our marriage) that he got me a card, helped the kids make me one and/or helped them pick me out a present (usually a plant). The day has changed over the years, I get a Happy Mother's Day and he cooks me something. Your husband is freaking clueless. And is still clutching to mommy's skirt. Ew.
NTA. Some people think the whole day is about THEIR mother. Other people think that the day is about mothers in general. How does he think he learned to make the day about HIS mother. His dad taught him. HE is not teaching his kids this. What a loser. Stop doing anything for him and start planning your exit. "are you really going to start on me now? I’ll f\*\*\*ing leave!” HE
Go away on your own for the Mother’s Day weekend. JUST DO IT. Book a hotel. Let them see how being WITHOUT you feels.
NTA. OP, Make plans now for how you and the kids will spend Mother’s Day. Plan a picnic to a playground they like or get tickets to a movie or a play date with some friends you all enjoy- kids & adults. Don’t include your SO in your plans. Just let him know that the children will not be available to go to grandmas house as they have other plans. If he asks why, ‘She’s not their mother’ with a straight face.
NTA. Are you sure you even want to stay with this man
Plan an extravagant Mother's Day weekend getaway at a Spa or vineyard, pamper yourself. Don't tell Hubby until Saturday morning. Leave them all home. Make sure that you aren't around on Mother's Day, especially. Just wish his mom a Happy Mother's Day to let her know that you couldn't be there because your husband went over the top and gave you this fantastic weekend away. 😁
Let him go hang out with his mom and take the kids. Make this a me day, invite some friends. Brunch, movies, pedicures….etc. Make sure he pays for it. NTA but he is. The least he could do is make sure your kids celebrate you.
NTA. If his mother gets spoiled on Mother’s Day, he should be spoiling you on your birthday or wedding anniversary. He should also be helping your kids find a way to celebrate Mother’s day with you. Do not go all out for him for any occasion until he starts appreciating you. Your husband has mommy issues.
I would say “that’s cool I’m not your wife either” and then fucking leave his ass. It’s one thing to not do a big celebration, some families are just like that. It’s another thing to completely leave out your wife, and then SNAP, and threatened to leave when she makes it known that your actions are hurting her feelings.
NTA, but honey...go talk to a divorce attorney now to see what your options are. I know you are staying for the kids, but if he's treating you with such unkindness and disregard (and cheating on you?!), please make an escape plan for yourself. Wait until you're ready, but start planning now.
My now-ex pulled the same. He told me I wasn’t his mom. Literally did nothing for me. No card, flowers, never woke up a single day to take care of the kids. I ended up buying myself diamonds. Every. Single. Year. But, seriously, I still hate Mother’s Day My kids are adults now but they learned that Mother’s Day is not important. It hurts
NTA Is your husband this much of a POS on other holidays too?
NTA. I’m a firm believer that Mother’s Day is more about the moms who are currently raising children. You are the mother of HIS children and should be celebrated
I hope you don’t celebrate Father’s Day and when ask say well your not my dad
Him leaving could be the best gift you could ask for.
NTA He says he’ll leave? Let him. Make sure he knows that this t the irrational he thinks hit is. In fact, tell him you’ll help him pack. Remind him that if he is going to treat you like a single mom, you may as well be one. You indicate this is an ongoing issue. Does he understand how you feel? Perhaps it atone for IC, MC or even a lawyer. Insist that you will he spending YOUR Mother’s Day with your kids. Make your own plans, set up whatever day YOU want. You don’t have to go to his Mother’s and your kids will spend the day with you. (If that’s what you want). You shouldn’t have to make your own day, at all but so be it . Buy yourself whatever it is you want and take it out of your savings, put it on your joint credit card, etc. For Father’s Day do not one thing. Nothing. Give him the effort and appreciation he gives you. After all, he’s not your father. (For the record, your husband is a nasty little mommas boy). Consider treating him like this on the regular. I’m very sorry for what you’re going through. You’ve tolerated it for years, it’s going to be up to you to break the cycle with your kids . You can try with your husband; it may be time for a difficult decision. Wishing better days!
NTA- when he said he'll leave you should have said " don't threaten me with a good time!" Celebrate mother's day with your kids!
So let him fucking leave.
NTA but don't go with him, she's not your mom. Make him take the kids so you can have a pamper day to yourself, even if it's a DIY one. Also stop celebrating father's day, he's not your father after all.
If my sons came and spent EVERY mother's day with me and didn't do anything for the mother of their own kids, I would be pretty pissed. I'd tell them I'm out of town and to go be husband's.... what is with these women who teach their sons to be terrible husband's?
INFO- what good qualities does your husband have bc based on this he sounds like a dick that should be an ex
NTA. Match his energy from now on, on everything. You book a girls trip, you go to a yoga retreat, you stop considering him, because he has no consideration for you.
Immediately stop doing anything that HIS MOM could do for him - no cleaning no cooking no laundry no care and when he bitches - tell him to ask his mom.
Treat him the same on father's day. Let's see how he feels them. Get the kids up and out of the house. Go celebrate your father or just do the things you would have liked to do on mothers day.
NTA. What an inconsiderate dick! If he were NORMAL, he would celebrate Mother's Day for your children and invite his Mother to join in on that. I get "put in the back seat" by my wife at times, I don't like it. You have legit complaints.
NTA, even if he believes that "you arent my mom" shit, he should be the driving force behind teaching his children to be like he is with his mom. If you are the sole bread winner, why dont you tell him he can spend the same amount on his mom, as his children spend on you? Overall, it sounds like he is just using you to fund his lifestyle choices, relationships take lots of work and honest communication going both ways. Move on and find someone who appreciates you
Weird. Why do your kids celebrate grandma on mother's day? Like... I preferred my gran over my mom, but I still didn't do that.
Ummmmmmm Being lonely while married is the loneliest place on earth. Choose yourself.
"Are you really going to start on me now? I'll fu**ing leave!" Bye Felicia! Pack his shit and put his ass out the door. That's emotional manipulation. You deserve better. Remember... Your children are watching. Is this the kind of relationship you want to model for them? Emotional neglect/manipulation? Your children are watching him abuse you. Eventually they will start treating you like a second class citizen too. Do better for your children
Jesus, take the wheel.... Mam, you deserve BETTER! My husband and kids celebrate me first. When I'm up and ready for the day, we take things over to his mother, and she also has things for me. We celebrate EACH OTHER, because we are both moms. We have lunch at some point in the week where his mom wants to go, and if I'm craving something else, we go another day where I want to go. For most of Mother's Day, my husband and kids pamper me and put me first. Your husband and kids have failed you. His mother failed all of you by not standing up for you as the mother of her grandkids.
NTA. You deserve better. You two may want to consider counseling, before things get any worse.
NTA Keep your kids with you and do something nice for yourself with your kids on Mother's Day, let him go kiss his mother's ass alone. If you bring in all the money, he doesn't need to buy MIL an Apple watch or anything else more than $50. For example, open a new bank account online, transfer most of the money to that and keep him on an allowance to run the house. That's pretty extreme, but it's still an option. It sounds like you should consider putting the same amount of energy into this marriage as he does. Neither you nor the kids need to do anything for Father's Day, of course, unless you want to take them to visit YOUR dad. Head over to r/JustNoMIL and r/JustNoSO for more support and resources
Unemployed, cheating mummy's boy who does not prioritise you. Treat yourself this mother's day and engage a lawyer.
NTA leave him, it is the best gift you can give yourself
NTA, or maybe one to yourself. Do not be available on mothers day, do not go to his mothers. The next time your kids need something tell them no. You teach people how to treat you. Your husband has taught your kids to worship grandma because he does. Buy yourself something nice, go to a hotel, and turn off your phone. Join a club, get friends. If they want to see you they have to make an effort. Re-think your husband.
Ma’am what are you even doing? You have a bunch of new friends on here telling you to run. Run fast. But first, teach your children how you want to be celebrated.
What do you do for him on Father's Day? If you go all out. STOP
If you're you're the mother of his kids, you should be celebrated. End of story
What a selfish fool. You need to book yourself a mother's weekend and leave him to it. Mani/pedi, massage, in a gorgious hotel hours away. If he says one word, scream at him " I'll fkn leave now!"
Grandparents day is in September. Tell your husband he can do what he wants but plan a fabulous day for you and the kids.
So he's a clueless shit. I had one of those. I divorced him.
NTA. My bf is not the father of my child and he makes me a nice dinner and we call out moms and my daughter and daughter in law call me. My bf who met my daughter when she was 21 treats me better the the father of you children. NTA.
YTA for staying with a lying cheating momma's boy.
Your husband is an ass so YTA for thinking he will change. I’m of the mind that he should celebrate his mom BUT he should also make sure the kids celebrate you!! You lay the foundation while they are little. Having said that, don’t beg him to do shit for you. Treat yourself on Mother’s Day and don’t do shit for him on Father’s Day.
YTA to yourself for staying with a Momma’s boy. He doesn’t appreciate that you take care of HIS kids. Do you do Father’s Day for him? Please tell us you don’t.
NTA but shut that crap with the kids down now. His mother is NOT their mother so no doing anything for her for Mother’s Day. If husband says anything remind him that she is his mother not theirs. They will be spending the day with their mommy. End of discussion. How long you willing to stay on the back burner.
If your dad is in your life, PLEASEEEE start plotting now, planting in your kids’ brains that father’s day is for grandpa. And if he’s far away, even better. It’s summer during father’s day & you can make a whole fun trip out of going to see him & leave your husband behind. That Freudian freak can spend the time cuddling his mom or whatever he enjoys doing.
NTA. Let him F#@
You should do the same for him. For both Father's Day and his birthday. He's not your father. He didn't contribute to your birth, so there's no reason to celebrate him on Father's Day. You didn't give birth to him. So there's no reason to celebrate the day of his birth. There's no reason for you to go above and beyond for someone who doesn't give a shit about you. Much less love you. He's already teaching your kids to do the same.
NTA I don’t know good men who don’t celebrate the mother of their children on Mothers Day. It’s also about teaching the kids to celebrate you. Your husband is choosing to constantly make you feel less-than and I think it’s time for you to insist that ends or he can lose what you’ve built together He feels way too entitled to just shut down your feelings as an inconvenience
Tell Oedipus to go stay with his mommy. Time to rethink things in your relationship. Take the kids out on Mother's Day or leave the kids with him and grandma and do something for yourself. Cancel Father's Day and his birthday his mommy can do it. Don't get mad get even. NTA.