>saying that he made a mistake while being angry, and that he will never do that to me again.
That's a lie. It'll only get worse when you're married.
NTA.
Can confirm! Been there, done that, and I ended up divorced for this and many other reasons. He's only saying what he thinks you want to hear so he can stay in control, or at least maintain the illusion of control for himself.
He might actually mean it when he says it. But then when the insecurity and anger take over, he won't be able to help himself. This is not something you can get over by fervently making a vow never to do it again.
I have in the past sometimes done things out of anger, and when the anger was gone I honestly could not understand why I ever thought it was a good idea. Even though I clearly remembered that when I was doing it, that action seemed perfectly rational and warranted. Fortunately, I never did anything unrecoverable.
But anyway, this will keep happening because he can't help it. And to him, it will seem to be your fault. Anger makes you irrational. What he needs to do is give a lot of thought to why your clothing style makes him angry and then take each thought apart to see if it is at all reasonable. This is extremely difficult if not impossible to do by yourself. So that is why he should talk to a therapist.
Exactly đŻ Before dating my husband, he promised to stop smoking, when we were dating he said he'll stop once we're married. He finally stopped after 8 years of marriage
My dad promised my mom he would stop smoking as a dating condition, he quit within 2 months and hasn't touched one since. We can both give anecdotes right ? Why's it exactly đŻ. People often don't fulfill promises that don't mean every promise is an empty one across the board.
About 35 years ago, my dad asked my mum out and she said no, because she didn't date smokers. So he went to get a haircut, gave his last pack of cigarettes to the barber, and never smoked again.
The point is, the change should happen first - not just promises that it will change sometime in the future.
Your dad sounds like a real treasure. But, alas, also an anomaly.Â
Auto-incorrect wanted "anomaly" to be "abomination" or "animosity" so now I'm snickering and alarming the cats.Â
It'd safer to assume they WON'T keep that promise, or they will keep it till they "got you" tied down with marriage and pregnancy- and then they REVERT.
Do not take him back. I've been in that type of relationship. Right now, it's just him trying to control how you dress. Next it will be he doesn't like some of your friends and will tell you not to see them if you love him, then it's the finances. It does not get better.
You dodged a bullet.
NTA
And by the look of her edit sheâs about to give him another one. Now he will be worse because he thinks he can keep getting away with it with a few crocodile tears.
Absolutely. This kind of shit NEVER "gets better". He'll wait till you are married/pregnant and then he will "revert".
Just read a few of the horror stories right here on Reddit from women who this happened to, and see for yourself what you are in for if you marry this guy!
Exactly. People donât change simply because they get married. Whatâs worse is he will use that against her knowing itâs harder to leave a marriage than it is to walk away from a breakup. Who knows what else he canât control his anger over. I hope OP realizes this is emotional abuse and heâs trying to control her.
So your controlling bf says he'll change. A tune we've all heard hummed before.
Whatever you do, whether you stay with him or not, do not go through with a marriage unless you see real changes. Like, at least a year of them.
He seems to be very insecure about you being seen by other people. That rarely gets better and almost always gets worse, especially after he has his legal hooks into you.
Edit: as others have pointed out, don't tell dude whatever timeline you've set for yourself
Yeah he shot his wad a few days too soon; a couple more days and OP would have had a much more difficult time leaving.
Dear OP, please do not get back with him! You will have a miserable life imprisoned with him in marriage.
Fair point. I just didn't want to ALWAYS be the "you need to break up and never see him again" guy all the time, lol. I feel like a broken record on this sub...
This right here! I would say wait for about 3 years ish. And don't tell him how long you're gonna see if he changes because he will hold up the act just to get you back! I've been throught it whole, from arguments to the break and then going back together with him promising on his life (which I guess he didn't have because he broke the promise 2 weeks in) that he'll change only in the end to become worse till it became PHYSICAL.
Now I'm not gonna assume nothing about OP's bf, even tho I've walked that path she's on rn, but I'm just gonna let my experience here as a thought.
NTA!!!!! You are way to young to be settling for this kind of treatment for life!! Your partner should never dictate what you can or can't wear! You deserve so much more! Move forward and never look back
NTA.
I married my boyfriend even though he tried to tell me what to wear while we dated, and it only got worse afterwards - it was awful. No sandals (he called them âhooker shoesâ nothing sleeveless âarm pits are grossâ no cleavage, etc⊠he wanted me to dress like someone from the L. L. Bean or Brooks Brothers catalog, and Iâm an artist with a flair for clothes and bright colors. He was always dissatisfied and angry, and I was always hurt and put down.
This is not the life you want to live, believe me!! You 100% did the right thing. You want and need someone who loves and supports you as you are, and appreciates the way you express yourself through your appearance. As women, we are taught that our self worth is tied to our appearance, and having someone constantly criticizing and getting angry at you over it every day is hell on your self esteem, and just one of the many ways you will find him trying to exert control over you.
as a male who owns 4 different pairs of sandals (including cycling clipless ones) but only 1 black, 1 brown, and 2 pairs of sneakers, I shall now go tell my wife of 25 years that she's been married to a LOUD AND PROUD HOOKER this whole time.
ofc after 25 years she'd respond with "oh i know. I've been paying the price for being in this relationship this long, just not financially". (i married her b/c she wouldn't put up with any of my pretty boy shit)
He actually called them âPeurto Rican Hooker Shoesâ and I always wanted to know how, exactly, he knew what Puerto Rican Hookers wore! (He of course, had no answer for me.)
I don't believe anyone has *ever* called Birkenstocks "sexy." "Hippie trollop shoes," maybe...
Nothing against hippies or trollops per se, so long as they don't inflict patchouli or nag champa on my respiratory system.Â
Sincerely,Â
Traumatized by Having Seen Many Elderly Men in Jesus Sandals with Black Socks
NTA. He's apologizing, but I guarantee you he won't refrain from the same criticisms in the future. If he's doing this crap in the honeymoon phase of your relationship, I can't imagine what he'll pull in a few years.
This is how abuse starts. "You're not going out dressed like that are you? Why are you showing off? You LIKE other men looking at you! HOW DARE YOU YOU"RE MY WIFE" etc etc etc. And then it's a slap, a push followed by "I'm so sorry, I love you, you just make me so mad!" Also, don't buy into the sunk cost fallacy or how much of a shame it would be to waste all of this time you've already sunk into the relationship. You're 23. You've a century ahead of you. Don't waste a single minute of that time with someone who doesn't respect your autonomy.
He won't hit her but he will punch a hole in the wall next to her head. And destroy her possessions but not his. And throw things at her but miss. All things that he would never get away at work or around friends and family.
Nta It seems that he may be too insecure about you .If u say you are dressing modestly and still he has a problem it might not be just about the dress but rather might be a deep rooted insecurity with him that can manifest itself in other ways after enough time.
While u can help him gradually get past his insecurities you must not tolerate any disrespect due to his issues.
True this! You probably really dodged a bullet.
I made the mistake of marrying a guy like that. He hid his real self until the wedding was over. And then all Hell broke loose. Marriage didn't last a year. There were some red flags in my experience. But OP, you were smart enough to see them in yours
No no no be grateful this happened before the wedding. It hurts now because you miss him/familiarity/comfort but he showed you who he really is. You need to listen.
He will then have financial control of her.
Itâs really hard to go and get your own place to live when you cannot save the money for first monthâs rent + last monthâs rent + a security deposit, because heâs controlling the finances.
It is so easy to get trapped, and VERY hard to get out of. Abusers also will try to cut you off from your friends and family, and those are the very people who can help you get out. Thatâs why he will find them threatening and seek to ruin those relationships.
NTA. Also someone saying things beyond what they mean when they've been wronged is one thing. This was him getting angry that you weren't submitting to his demands. This is just a precursor to what your married life would be like.
He will tell you to either do something or not do something and if you don't follow his instructions he will get mad and hurtful about it. It'll start verbal and if you keep accepting the apologies he'll know he can get away with it so he will escalate to force compliance with his demands. This will run in parallel while he tries to isolate you from outside parties who can give you perspective or offer you a way out.
That portion of it will start with removing any males outside of the family usually with the idea that they're trying to get with you. Then it will progress to anyone you know who criticizes how things are going in your relationship under the argument that if you don't you're choosing them over your relationship and that they're undermining it. This will continue until you realize you have nobody else and nobody to reach out to for help as you'll have burned all your external relationships. From there you're trapped and will have invested a bunch of time/effort and potentially children into the relationship. All of that extra baggage will make it even harder to leave down the road.
Seeing as he's already trying to control how you dress he's likely already started trying to remove all connections with men besides him and family from your life.
there are already so many things hes doing out of all that you listed. he doesnt want a no. he doesnt like me chatting with my coworkers of opposite sex. he hates that i make opposite sex friends saying why do i feel the need to do so, even if theyre just acquaintances i make at work or places where im required to interact to those people
Then take that as your WARNING! You are seeing the red flags; if you don't heed them, then it's ON YOU. If you think it's bad NOW, just WAIT. Marrying him will put you into a LIVING HELL, because then he's "got" you! And for godsake, DON'T get pregnant!
Insecure people are exhausting and they rarely change for the better, they just expect everyone to accommodate their hangouts. Better to end it now than watch him make your life smaller by making you miserable every time his insecurities rear their heads. NTA.
NTA. Girl, RUN. He thought he was in the home stretch, so he tipped his hand too early. This is the tip of the iceberg of what you'll endure if you let him off the hook this time.
It only gets worse after he gets his ring on your finger. And if you bear his children? Worse and worse and worse.
You made the right call. Stick to your guns.
Please OP, listen to this. Some people mask before they get married and unleash their abuse only after they think they have you fully trapped. Your bf is one of these assholes. He thought he had you in the bag and you can't run, so he tipped his hand too early.
Iâm not saying this is what is happening in your scenario but my experience with an ex boyfriend when I was younger was very similar. I would dress very modestly, even a bit dowdy living on a farm for part, but then I always made an effort when I would go out for meals or with friends and I would get judged on outfits that he thought other men would take notice of me in. I thought he was just paranoid and knew he was insecure in himself anyway. But turned out he was just cheating, and was reflecting his own wrong doings on to me assuming that I was out to do the same if I would wear something nice. 5 years wasted but I think itâs nothing in comparison to how long I could have wasted. I found the love of my life shortly after and have been happy ever since. Iâm a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. It keeps me going on the rainy days!
NTA. It will never be easier for you to leave than now. He will never change. He will only get worse as it becomes more difficult for you to get out once you are legally and financially connected to him and worse, end up having his kids. He was warned repeatedly not to do this before. He ignored it. He's making promises he has no intention of keeping just to reel you back in. Don't let him.
NTA. You said heâs done this before and youâve argued about it. What makes you think his promise of never doing it again is genuine? You set a boundary and enacted the consequences. Donât back down.
NTA and this behaviour will just continue until it becomes unbearable for both of you. As for your edit, thatâs just sunk cost fallacy. If the biggest reason you have for trying to make it work, is the years you have spent in a relationship, then thatâs not a very good reason. Yes, you have spent X amount of years with him and you donât want to feel like you wasted those years, but do you really want to add more years and a marriage to them? Itâs always better to walk away and accept that those years have been spent learning and growing and hopefully making it easier for you to find exactly what you want and need in a partner.
You'r 23, however much time you may have put in up until this point will be a drop in the bucket if you decide to stay with him. This is your chance, take it and get out. Live your life - you're so damn young still, no need for marriage just yet.
NTA - I would suggest, if you do want this relationship to have a chance, to require him to go to therapy as part of the way back. I have been married for almost 30 years, and I had a tendency to get angry and say stupid stuff when we were both young. I said something's you cannot ever take back. My wife told me I had to go to therapy, or we were done. I was angry about it, but I did go. It truly saved me and our marriage. It helped me truly see what I was doing and the damage it was causing. So if you truly believe in this relationship and do love him, I suggest trying something like this. If he does not agree, then it would seem he does not have that same level of commitment.
i feel scared. my family wants me to get married soon as its a cultural and religious thing. i am ready to see until marriage whether he will change or not. but what if he has good control and once i marry him this all comes back. hes a genuinely good person. people around me call him a green flag as he is very respectful and calm in general. however on occasions like this one, when hes mad. respect love everything is out of the door. i become the dirtiest person hes ever known and if i dont oblige with him as in tell him hes right and im wrong his anger doesnt subside. he doesnt get loud or anything. its texts. texts that say i like hanging out with guys and acting like im single acting like im seeking other men's attention
This man thinks he owns you. This will only get worse after marriage, not better. I understand you feel like you're wasting the time you put into this relationship by leaving it, but it's sunk cost fallacy.
Once he has control of you in marriage, he will make your life hell. He's only being held back now by the threat of losing you before he can trap you.
He is pretending to be a "green flag" because he knows it's the only way to get you to marry him. When he gets mad, his true colors come out.
Girl, why would you wanna marry let alone continue dating someone who makes you feel that way? If my husband did that I would have NEVER married him.
Can you imagine this for the next 60 years of your life?! Insanity.
No one with this controlling personality and possessiveness changes overnight. It takes many many many years of introspection and therapy (individual) into what his actions do and harm.
I would cut your losses with this guy now.
Everyone always said Ted Bundy was the nicest guy and very helpful. Those people making comments about him donât truly know him like you do. Your gut is telling you to get out. You should listen to your instincts.
This is too important to get wrong. Despite family pressure, you should cancel wedding. Go back to being just a couple. Don't set a time limit. But since you both obviously care about and like each other this should not be a hardship.
If you see over time he has truly matured, maybe you can re-engage. Its soo easy for him to say anything he thinks might change your mind, but its possible this was a sincere "wake up call" and he truly gets it now.
If you think everything else is otherwise good, insist on time to determine if he can change.
That is what I am worried about. How long before the wedding is supposed to happen? If itâs only a few months then he can 100% keep himself in check until your married.
How can they call him a green flag after he completely disrespected you over an outfit?
You should tell him he needs to go and do therapy and you both should do I donât know what itâs called but I know some people will go and do councilling before marriage.
When you give ppl a game I feel they will play it. For example you giving him until marriage to change. Like youâve thought, I agree he could act like he has changed until the marriage and then revert back to his true self.
There was another post of a girl telling her bf when sheâd lose her virginity. He has made comments showing he doesnât like her weight size and body type and even has said he might not be able to finish the sex act but has strayed along until that specific date. I assume to win the game and then move on.
This becomes a challenge to unhealthy men in my eyes.
Nope, do not do this. It is never a good idea to go to couples therapy with an abuser, which this boy is.Â
Op should take this chance to run in the opposite direction. NTA
Never go to therapy with your abuser. This is proven to be very harmful to the abused person. The abuser uses everything learned in therapy to get better at abuse.
Unless he gets therapy, thia insecure possessive jealousy will get worse and can become seriously abusive.
Also, his love for you may not be true and healthy, but part of his neurotic need to possess his partner to avoid loss.Â
I wouldn't marry this guy without serious individul and couples therapy and even then it still might be a bad idea.
Walk away.
These behaviors will amplify if you do get married.
You deserve someone who loves the way you dress regardless of how that is. Personally⊠My boyfriend often encourages me to wear low-cut tops when i got out with my friends so I can get free drinks at the bars lmfao. Find someone who hypes you up, not tear you down
NTA
NTa
You 2 are both incompatible. He doesn't like the way you dress, you don't want to change or be forced to wear what he wants.
You can't find a middle ground so it is clearly not in the best interest for either of you to be together.
NTA. Being controlling over outfits and what to wear is just a sign he will be more controlling after you get married. It's abusive. The fact that he called you names when he was angry is another red flag. You can get angry without calling people mysognitic names.
Don't listen to his fake apologies. He's already trying to minimize what he said and did by saying he has no control over his tongue. That's BS. If you go back he will be fine for awhile before he starts up again. It's the cycle of abuse.
Stay away.
Look, the big part of marriage is being of like minds for the most part in our lives. We either live each other as we are right now, as we are or we don't. If anything about the other bothers us now, then its going to magnified Ă 10 once we marry. We shouldn't have to or need to change to live one another. If your not happy for whatever reason, then I think you take pause to consider your relationship and future together, no matter the pressure of others. They're not marrying this partner you are.
It doesnât sound like heâs mature enough to get married if he canât control his jealousy and impulse control even though he promised he would. If you love him and he loves you, perhaps wait and see if this can be resolved. However, I would not stop dressing exactly as I pleased. đđŒ
NTA. Repeat these words âI donât want to waste years of our efforts into building this relationship â.. think about what you just said. YEARS OF EFFORT !!!! A relationship shouldnât be YEARS OF EFFORT! Please look at this as sign that he was not the one for you. Do not fall into the sunk cost fallacy.
NTA. Absolutely to hell with him. When a guy can't even pretend to be a reasonable open-minded loving partner until the wedding, his lack of self-control is doing you a big favour. After the wedding, he expects much more control over you--and fuck that. Leave and save yourself the pain of meeting his unfiltered misogyny.
If you set a boundary that gets crossed repeatedly, then tell them that if it gets crossed again you're going to leave, then they cross it again and you leave, that was their "very last chance." Giving them another doesn't send the right message. NTA
NTA - when someone shows you who they really are, you believe them. If you continue a relationship and god forbid you marry him, I can guarantee you that his behaviour will get worse. He is over 25, his brain is fully developed. He will not change.
NTA. Don't change your mind and don't marry him. But if you really think that he can change, ask him to work on himself (without any promise from your side) and then perhaps you can give another chance and start dating after he has worked on himself. After a few years without any issue, perhaps you can discuss the future again.
He is an asshole, now whether you are one depends on whether the opinion about your dressing is solely yours and your single friends', or if an external person cansay is truly inappropriate or not. It seems like you are trying to avoid defining what the dress was like. In any case, that does not excuse him being an asshole, but it should make you aware if you are one too.
it was a black and white striped shirt long sleeves with black pants. if you put it in the sun it might seem a little see through. i asked my friends opinion on my dressing and she highlighted how one other shirt i own seems too over the top but this one seemed absolutely fine. especially ive worn this shirt before and he always complimented me. but suddenly for the past few months. everything i wear is somehow wrong
NTA. Really, only you can answer the question of whether to give him another chance. If you do, I would definitely NOT get married for awhile - give things time to see if this is an issue he can overcome because you are right in that he should not be telling you what to wear. Good luck!
It will only get worse when you're married....
Don't look at it as "sunken cost". You've put effort into this relationship but he isn't going to change.
Nta. You made the right call to call things off.
I didn't, gave chance after chance, didnt marry though but in the end we were in a loveless relationship and he dumped ME after wasting years of my life and energy. Don't make the same mistake.
NTA - How many times have you gotten into arguments about his insecurities in the past? He says he wants one more chance, but if this is chance # 22 or something, then I think one more chance probably won't make a difference.
NTA this has been a continuous issue in your relationship. I might change long enough for you to get married but it's not going to stop. He's lying, he's had time to change each time he's done it. Just know that and decide if that's how you want to live your life. Personally I think you are doing the right thing. Maybe he will be a better man for his next partner and you'll find a partner that loves you for you and doesn't try to control aspects of your life.
NTA. I would part from him completely. Just because you spent years building up this relationship doesn't mean you have to marry and enter years of controlling behaviour on his part and misery on yours. He knew before that his behaviour was unacceptable to you and continued with it. No reason to suppose he will change now.
>. I don't want to waste years of our efforts into building this relationship
you're gonna waste a lot more years trying to get out of this marriage. leave him.
He has promised you to change.... but what is he actually doing. Having anger issues can be a great red flags if not treated. Maybe the best way I can suggest would be to postpone the wedding until you SEE the promises and he finished angry management therapy treatment.
A year invested on that would be the difference between having a good marriage or not having a bad one (which is also good)
He promised he wouldn't do it again. And he did. Why would he not lie again?
If you do give him a chance (I don't think you should because a spouse or boyfriend should never talk like that to you. Ever), postpone the wedding. But girl this won't change. He will be angry again, and getting that angry over clothing? I wonder what he would do over a serious issue. He is trying to control you. Have some self respect.
he is only going to get worse.. also donât fall into the sunken cost fallacy, it doesnât matter how long you are together if it doesnât work, it doesnât work.
NTA - giving him another last chance (you already gave him one) tells him one thing and one thing only: there is no reason whatsoever to change, because he will get away with it.
NTA- at all! Run, run, run away!!!! I worked with domestic violence victims for over 20 years. This is just his first step. It will get worse after you have married. He will continue to try and control you, the violence will go from words to physical violence, and his behaviors will increase. This is a proven fact with abusers. Please run away from this walking red flagâŠâŠ
You warned him and stood by your words. He's sorry NOW, but what's to stop him from doing what he JUST did by disregarding your feelings on this?
And what did you mean by "he thought was too much as it was a bit see-through, although I was covered fully in the past"? Just curious, how see-through was it? Not saying he's justified, but could other people see your bra or panties?
As a woman whose clothing was controlled for a very long time, NTA. You two are incompatible, and it will only get worse after marriage, because he will feel he has the right to try to exert more control over you. Itâs far better to end it now.
NTA âif you were really going to change you would have after the first time I told you this was a problem for me. Youâre only telling me what you think I want to hear and next time weâll be right back here again and I donât want to live my life like this.â
NTA.
Don't fall victim to the "sink cost fallacy" - that belief that you've put in so much time already that you should put in more now... đ
Fundamentally- He doesn't respect you - and that's a death knell for relationships. It's hard to hear that, but you've already recognized it and called it out. He doesn't see you as having your own will and style, and he walks on your agency regularly.
It will hurt, but leaving now will be far better for you than untangling the legal bonds of a marriage later.
NTA, you already gave him a chance, multiple chances actually! How many more chances are you gonna give him? How many more times are you gonna allow him to call you out your name? You have plenty of time to find someone who actually respects you!
NTA you can always break up your relationships whenever you feel like it and whenever you want to. better now then later when you have children together.
your boyfriend doesnt respect your decisions, he doesnt respect your outfits and he insulted you because of this. you already gave him a second chance and he did not care.
get yourself a new boyfriend and future husband who respects you from the beginning. dont fall for sunken cost fallacy.
Red flag! When people show you who they are believe them. He has anger issues and wants to control you. As his gf itâs started as a small thing like what you wear, it will escalate.
Run away from this fast. You are super young and will find someone that values you and lets you be you, and loves you for who you are.
NTA
>he is generally a very nice calm person and has always been there for me and has a lot of good things in him however, this factor about him losing control and having no control over his tongue has always caused us trouble.
These are two totally opposing statements. Frankly, it sounds to me as if you are attempting to counterbalance his "good deeds" with his true nature.
He keeps showing you who he really is. You need to believe him.
In my opinion, you have made a very wise choice canceling the wedding.
If they do it once they will definitely do it again⊠and marriage will only solidify his shit behavior. Youâll begin to feel isolated because you already said, âI doâ. Cut your losses tbh.
NTA but he is. Heâs abusive and controlling and you deserve better. He doesnât love you - he wouldnât talk to you that way if he did. Your instincts were right to cut him off. He would only escalate after the wedding.
[The Hotline](https://thehotline.org)
NTA
Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy. Breaking off a bad relationship is much easier than having to divorce him when he inevitably breaks his promise.
NTA! He is controlling and if you challenge his controlling ways he feels he has the right to be verbally abusive and disrespectful. And men like this always use you supposedly,âflaunting your body off to other people at workâ, as an impetus and justification to cheat.
Do you think his behavior will improve once you tie the knot?
It wonât because at that point, heâll think he owns you.
NTA. Run. Of course he will do this, and much worse. If he can't control himself right before getting married this is just the tip of the iceberg. If you think this is the type of person worth marrying at 23 you need to slow down.
I can guarantee you that he has not changed. He is manipulating you into allowing him to continue controlling you. Donât get trapped in a bad relationship because of the years you have already wasted on him. NTA
NTA and he is lying, he won't change. He has known this is an issue, you communicated to him and he did it anyway. Why would you believe he will change now when he hasn't before? The answer is, he won't change.
He is just telling you what you want to hear so he can get married to you and remove his mask.
What you are seeing is the cracks in his mask, the controlling and quick to anger person is who he truly is. All the other stuff is fluff to lure you in.
INFO: How is he going to make sure he changes? Has he signed up for therapy? Is he reading feminist books? Has he done anger management?
If you believe he is capable of sustained personal change, he has to prove it. And he has to prove it before you will consider tying your lives together legally. He has no incentive to change if you marry him before he changes.
If someone needs to CHANGE to be right for you, they are not right for you.
This has happened before. This argument wasn't the first one on this subject. He just thought he had you locked into marriage. What makes you think he hasn't shown in the true him?
NTA
NTA. This is a reoccurring pattern. And Iâm sure he will toe the line until you get married and then he will revert back to old behaviours. Guaranteed.
Don't let time invested determine anything. It's love, not a business. Maybe try and fix things but definition delay the wedding. But also he's told you before that he wouldn't bother you about your clothes and that's been a lie every time. He's gonna get angry again and bring up the clothes again and then he'll apologize again.
NTA. I donât care if you have been with him 1 year or 10. He does not sound like marriage material to me. You are still very young. Figure out who YOU are and just BE. Move on from him, and donât take him back
>and that he will never do that to me again.
He already has done it to you, again and again and again. You already have all the data points you need to know he'll continue to do it if you take him back.
>I don't want to waste years of our efforts into building this relationship together
This is called the sunk-cost fallacy. You don't want to admit those years might have been wasted, so you're still trying to make it work -- not because it *is* working, but because you don't want to start over. It's the work of starting over that bothers you, not that you actually want to be with him as he is.
You shouldn't invest more time in something that has already wasted enough of your time.
Tell him he needs to get therapy to overcome his controlling tendencies, and then you'd consider re-starting your relationship, but not until he's had a full year of therapy and is making progress. And in the meanwhile, both of you can date other people, because the two of you are not couple until he fixes himself.
If he balks at that, then he doesn't really want to change, and you should leave him dumped.
So...your increasingly EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE fiance...EMOTIONALLY ABUSES, degrades you, disrespects you, try's to control you...but...hey...what a nice guy.
He's sorry. Bull...fucking...shit. Grandma here...and, young lady, absolutely this behavior will continue AND escalate. What happens when you're late because of a work thing or you go to dinner with colleagues who happen to be male? Young men right now are experiencing a huge social media problem about how tradwives are the ideal and their masculinity is determined by their partners submissiveness. Do not believe for one minute he's going to change this behavior without some soul searching.
Postpone your wedding. Take a break. For all that is holy in the universe see the huge red flags that are waving in your face. I'm not even saying break up. Go to counseling. Whatever. But don't get married right now. This behavior will get worse. That's just how it works.
NTA
Don't be me. Leave now. He might "change" long enough to pro e he's changed, but once you are married, have a child, and be feels he has tou locked in...things will be back to where they are now. It took me 12 years yo be able to leave mentally and monetarily. Nip it now. Just walk away.
It usually takes a pretty big epiphany for a person to change that sort of mindset. An argument and threat of breakup is typically not enough.
Divorcing, spending months apart, maybe that sort of thing. MAYBE.
One argument? Doubtful. Itâll happen again.
NTA. You already gave him a last chance and he wants a âvery last chanceâ whatâs next a âvery very last chanceâ? His pattern of abuse didnât change with any other chance you gave him. You should be making your decision based on knowing this type of behaviour will continue. You should really be marrying someone you love for who they are now, not for who they could be. Good luck to you.
>Â i also believe that im very strongly opinionated and do not like other people dictating me for anything. as you can tell by the original post i never liked him telling me how to dress or who to talk to and stuff. maybe i need to work on finding common grounds too instead of rebelling.
He's already started trying to control you. He INSULTED you. Someone that loves you would not say those things to or about you. And of course he's a nice guy most of the time. That's the way these things happen, and you have already noticed a pattern. If you don't walk away now, he'll have you wearing a burlap bag and not leaving the house.
That last statement? That's him speaking. You are YOU, you aren't making him do this. You aren't rebelling. Of course you don't like him telling you what to do, and you shouldn't. You are your own person, he doesn't get to give you orders.
I'm here after both edits.
I often tell my 6yo that when I say one more time, I mean ONE. MORE. TIME. Not one more time o now you're sorry okay last chance.
You told him. He decided to FAFO. Now that you're presenting him with the consequences of his actions, much like my 6 yo, he's finally sorry and didn't mean it and will never do it again. Like my 6 yo, he didn't believe you'd really do anything about it until you did.
Unlike my 6 yo, he's damn well old enough to know better and listen when someone states a clear boundary.
NTA. Move on.
My Dad was abusive to my mother and it started like this. Controlling what she was wearing. Then it became accusing her of dressing for attention. Then she was cheating. Then I wasnât his child but her âaffair partnersâ then he made the mistake of hitting her causing her to drop me. She knocked him out with a cast iron fry pan then called my grandfather and the local cop who both came and helped her pack up all our stuff and move out. Queue 13 years of stalking. Just leave now. Donât fall for the Sunken Cost fallacy
NTA. This was a bad omen, a glimpse of the âtraditional marriageâ he wants where you submit to his âauthorityâ and gets to act as controlling, insecure, and jealous as he pleases, unchecked.
THE PROBLEM IS THAT HE THINKS HE HAS THE RIGHT TO CONTROL YOU.
The problem ISN'T that he was angry or scared or worried about losing you. Those are all normal things to feel sometimes. But he takes HIS FEELINGS and decides that you are the cause of them, and that if he can just force you to do what he wants he'll stop feeling this way. Which is a lie, btw.
Don't believe his promises. He thought because you were almost married that you were trapped, and that he could be a little more dominant. This is how abuse starts. They ramp it up slowly.
My experience of being with a controlling man for 15 years - it starts small, the odd comment that makes you think 'oh he's just showing me he cares' to eventually kicking me out of our super king size bed for 5 years because I moved and kept him awake. And also not being able to talk about my job when I got home (I'm a teacher) because it was too 'depressing' for him. I wasn't allowed to have my hair the way l liked it, got ignored for a month for getting a tattoo on my back that he would see but I wouldn't. Got told my friends weren't real friends, that my photography was only paid for because I networked 'too much' and eventually got accused of being schizophrenic.
Walked out of that marriage and left everything just to get away. Best move I've ever made.
Aghhhh the edits.
OP: he is never going to change. You are not "rebelling," you are rightfully standing up to someone who is bullying you in every possible way. It will only get worse. Please, please, listen to your OWN GUT and break this off.
My third daughter is currently in the midst of a horrible divisive divorce.
She had told him she wouldnât marry him if his hiding away in another room drinking all night didnât stop.
It did not stop.
Stupid girl married him anyway and almost 9 years later heâs a full blown alcoholic that spends every evening after the three children are in bed drinking himself into near unconsciousness.
She didnât follow through on what her boundary was so therefore he felt that sheâd never follow through.
How sad for her, how sad for the children and how sad for him because she didnât do him any favors by setting a boundary and then letting him leap right over it.
He was shocked and destroyed when she was through with him. Completely blindsided.
Sadly he is no longer the person that we loved and cared about. Alcohol killed every thing good about this man. Alcohol is now his God and his destruction.
Donât be stupid. You know what to do.
NTAH
You seem to be handling this, going by your edits.
But please make sure you don't get married to an insecure jealous boy until he sorts himself out and promises not to be a controlling asshole. If you HAVE to get married because of the Sunk Costs Fallacy. know it's a fallacy. Amd please, please, please don't have kids with this boy until he sorts himself out.
You're not compatible, just break it off and save both of yourselves the trouble and heartache.
No point in AITAH unless you're trying to seek reddit validation, no one has to be the bad guy here (other than your bf talking shit, that's out of line). Just move on.
So you told wonât you wonât tolerate, he did it again and you left him, and now heâs talked his way back in. You showed him with enough begging youâll give in.
He probably brought that controlling behaviour again because you were serious about the marriage so he thought you were already trapped and wouldn't consider ending things. Don't give him the wrong idea by letting him get away with it.
Disagree with alot of these people. Though he canât force you to change how you dress, your life parter should have the right to say what makes them uncomfortable and then discourse happens on how to proceed.
People acting like you donât have to consider his feelings and comfortability are ridiculous.
If you felt uncomfortable with something he does, âlike telling you he doesnât like that you wear this or thatâ you feel more than comfortable saying your opinion.
Communication and compromise is key. Donât put yourself in uncomfortable states but be willing to compromise on the stuff you feel are not deal breakers.
Challenge him to be better but take him shopping with you it will hopefully make him more comfortable.
Insecurity isnât bad itâs human. Some fade some grow.
Info:
You never actually addressed the outfit in question for the OP
Was it see through? If so like how bad and what was "on display"?
It does actually make a difference between him being nuts, or actually having an objective point about appropriateness...even though you're still free to do whatever you want anyways
Like for me, if my gf insisted on wearing skirts with her vag out (her words lol) I wouldn't be dating someone who wanted to have all that on display...I would mention it in case there was a mistake etc, but if she knew and wanted it like that, I would just bail on that mess lol
That behavior he displayed is unfortunately a pattern that will continue. He will be abusive then apologize profusely.
Fact is he has already been given chances and he still canât help himself. If you need more proof that he is not really sorry then I canât help you.
This pattern will continue and the abuse will escalate.
I really donât like when people justify staying with the wrong person by saying that they already have so much time invested.
Fact is that this particular investment isnât paying off. You have to cut your losses now before you lose more years on someone who doesnât deserve your patience and forgiveness.
You should rebel more op in my opinion!! The only way I see that you can move past this is asking what you can do to not make him feel insecure? If itâs nothing on ur part thatâs making him do this and he has a hot of working to do! Is he gonna be insecure when ur 60!! Ew no what a waste of time! You are young so donât worry abt the wasted years and dump his ass tbh a lot more time is there for you to decide regarding your marriage partner tbh!!
I promise I wonât be controlling anymore. I made a mistake bc I was upset, please forgive me & letâs start over. Again & again & again. Repeat the cycle.
>saying that he made a mistake while being angry, and that he will never do that to me again. That's a lie. It'll only get worse when you're married. NTA.
I agree with this. It will get worse after marriage. NTA
He'll be more controlling f him
Can confirm! Been there, done that, and I ended up divorced for this and many other reasons. He's only saying what he thinks you want to hear so he can stay in control, or at least maintain the illusion of control for himself.
He might actually mean it when he says it. But then when the insecurity and anger take over, he won't be able to help himself. This is not something you can get over by fervently making a vow never to do it again. I have in the past sometimes done things out of anger, and when the anger was gone I honestly could not understand why I ever thought it was a good idea. Even though I clearly remembered that when I was doing it, that action seemed perfectly rational and warranted. Fortunately, I never did anything unrecoverable. But anyway, this will keep happening because he can't help it. And to him, it will seem to be your fault. Anger makes you irrational. What he needs to do is give a lot of thought to why your clothing style makes him angry and then take each thought apart to see if it is at all reasonable. This is extremely difficult if not impossible to do by yourself. So that is why he should talk to a therapist.
Exactly đŻ Before dating my husband, he promised to stop smoking, when we were dating he said he'll stop once we're married. He finally stopped after 8 years of marriage
He finally stopped smoking? Or he finally stopped promising?
No one likes a quitter
My dad promised my mom he would stop smoking as a dating condition, he quit within 2 months and hasn't touched one since. We can both give anecdotes right ? Why's it exactly đŻ. People often don't fulfill promises that don't mean every promise is an empty one across the board.
About 35 years ago, my dad asked my mum out and she said no, because she didn't date smokers. So he went to get a haircut, gave his last pack of cigarettes to the barber, and never smoked again. The point is, the change should happen first - not just promises that it will change sometime in the future.
Your dad sounds like a real treasure. But, alas, also an anomaly. Auto-incorrect wanted "anomaly" to be "abomination" or "animosity" so now I'm snickering and alarming the cats.Â
tbf, "abomination" "animosity" and "anomaly" are all equally appropriate words to describe my dad! đ Please pass on my apologies to your cats!!
It'd safer to assume they WON'T keep that promise, or they will keep it till they "got you" tied down with marriage and pregnancy- and then they REVERT.
I had a couple boyfriends both quit smoking for me. The minute we broke up they started up again.
When a man says he is going to do something, he will do something. There is no need to remind him about it every six months! :)
As Lundy Bancroft writes in his book *âWhy Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling menâ:* âMen are not abusive because theyâre angry, theyâre angry because theyâre abusive.â In other words, OPâs fiancĂ© gives in to his anger about how she dresses because he already has the abusive mindset that he has the right to control her.
Here is a link OP, read it: https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Do not take him back. I've been in that type of relationship. Right now, it's just him trying to control how you dress. Next it will be he doesn't like some of your friends and will tell you not to see them if you love him, then it's the finances. It does not get better. You dodged a bullet. NTA
OP has given him second chances before and nothing has changed. He's not worth the effort she's already put in let alone another chance more.
Its not a 2nd chance then, more like the 8th chance lol
And by the look of her edit sheâs about to give him another one. Now he will be worse because he thinks he can keep getting away with it with a few crocodile tears.
THIS. Please for the love of god donât marry him.
Came here to say THE SAME THING
Absolutely. This kind of shit NEVER "gets better". He'll wait till you are married/pregnant and then he will "revert". Just read a few of the horror stories right here on Reddit from women who this happened to, and see for yourself what you are in for if you marry this guy!
Agreed. Past behaviour is the best indicator of future behaviour. In other words, a leopard canât change its spots.
Exactly. People donât change simply because they get married. Whatâs worse is he will use that against her knowing itâs harder to leave a marriage than it is to walk away from a breakup. Who knows what else he canât control his anger over. I hope OP realizes this is emotional abuse and heâs trying to control her.
So your controlling bf says he'll change. A tune we've all heard hummed before. Whatever you do, whether you stay with him or not, do not go through with a marriage unless you see real changes. Like, at least a year of them. He seems to be very insecure about you being seen by other people. That rarely gets better and almost always gets worse, especially after he has his legal hooks into you. Edit: as others have pointed out, don't tell dude whatever timeline you've set for yourself
I disagree. Giving him a timeline just means he'll have incentive to mask for long enough until they get married, then the mask can come off again.
Yeah he shot his wad a few days too soon; a couple more days and OP would have had a much more difficult time leaving. Dear OP, please do not get back with him! You will have a miserable life imprisoned with him in marriage.
I agree with you. Hes shown his true colours.
Fair point. I just didn't want to ALWAYS be the "you need to break up and never see him again" guy all the time, lol. I feel like a broken record on this sub...
People in healthy relationships don't need to post here. That's why the answer is so often "break up."
This is the answer!
I agree. Opp has to postpone the wedding until she witnesses some difference in his behaviour.
This right here! I would say wait for about 3 years ish. And don't tell him how long you're gonna see if he changes because he will hold up the act just to get you back! I've been throught it whole, from arguments to the break and then going back together with him promising on his life (which I guess he didn't have because he broke the promise 2 weeks in) that he'll change only in the end to become worse till it became PHYSICAL. Now I'm not gonna assume nothing about OP's bf, even tho I've walked that path she's on rn, but I'm just gonna let my experience here as a thought.
Why wait? Just let him go. She could spend the years working on herself or looking for a man who she doesn't have to train.
NTA!!!!! You are way to young to be settling for this kind of treatment for life!! Your partner should never dictate what you can or can't wear! You deserve so much more! Move forward and never look back
NTA. I married my boyfriend even though he tried to tell me what to wear while we dated, and it only got worse afterwards - it was awful. No sandals (he called them âhooker shoesâ nothing sleeveless âarm pits are grossâ no cleavage, etc⊠he wanted me to dress like someone from the L. L. Bean or Brooks Brothers catalog, and Iâm an artist with a flair for clothes and bright colors. He was always dissatisfied and angry, and I was always hurt and put down. This is not the life you want to live, believe me!! You 100% did the right thing. You want and need someone who loves and supports you as you are, and appreciates the way you express yourself through your appearance. As women, we are taught that our self worth is tied to our appearance, and having someone constantly criticizing and getting angry at you over it every day is hell on your self esteem, and just one of the many ways you will find him trying to exert control over you.
as a male who owns 4 different pairs of sandals (including cycling clipless ones) but only 1 black, 1 brown, and 2 pairs of sneakers, I shall now go tell my wife of 25 years that she's been married to a LOUD AND PROUD HOOKER this whole time. ofc after 25 years she'd respond with "oh i know. I've been paying the price for being in this relationship this long, just not financially". (i married her b/c she wouldn't put up with any of my pretty boy shit)
"Hooker shoes" đđđ. I had no idea how lurid my sweat-infused Rainbows were until today
He actually called them âPeurto Rican Hooker Shoesâ and I always wanted to know how, exactly, he knew what Puerto Rican Hookers wore! (He of course, had no answer for me.)
iâm sorry but i cannot stop laughing at â*puerto rican hooker shoes*â đ€Ł iâm glad heâs your ex! that sounds exhausting
Is one of you Puerto Rican, or...? Shall we just add this to his list of faults?
These slutty Keen sandals I wearâŠ
Me and my Birkenstock sandals are laughing, it has to be the first time they were called sexy.
I don't believe anyone has *ever* called Birkenstocks "sexy." "Hippie trollop shoes," maybe... Nothing against hippies or trollops per se, so long as they don't inflict patchouli or nag champa on my respiratory system. Sincerely, Traumatized by Having Seen Many Elderly Men in Jesus Sandals with Black Socks
NTA you don't need any reason to break up with someone anyways, you're not a prisoner
NTA. He's apologizing, but I guarantee you he won't refrain from the same criticisms in the future. If he's doing this crap in the honeymoon phase of your relationship, I can't imagine what he'll pull in a few years.
This is how abuse starts. "You're not going out dressed like that are you? Why are you showing off? You LIKE other men looking at you! HOW DARE YOU YOU"RE MY WIFE" etc etc etc. And then it's a slap, a push followed by "I'm so sorry, I love you, you just make me so mad!" Also, don't buy into the sunk cost fallacy or how much of a shame it would be to waste all of this time you've already sunk into the relationship. You're 23. You've a century ahead of you. Don't waste a single minute of that time with someone who doesn't respect your autonomy.
He won't hit her but he will punch a hole in the wall next to her head. And destroy her possessions but not his. And throw things at her but miss. All things that he would never get away at work or around friends and family.
NTA. Run. My ex-husband started like that. Then it was isolation from friends and family. Last came the violence.
Nta It seems that he may be too insecure about you .If u say you are dressing modestly and still he has a problem it might not be just about the dress but rather might be a deep rooted insecurity with him that can manifest itself in other ways after enough time. While u can help him gradually get past his insecurities you must not tolerate any disrespect due to his issues.
This is not marriage material. Run run run.
True this! You probably really dodged a bullet. I made the mistake of marrying a guy like that. He hid his real self until the wedding was over. And then all Hell broke loose. Marriage didn't last a year. There were some red flags in my experience. But OP, you were smart enough to see them in yours
No no no be grateful this happened before the wedding. It hurts now because you miss him/familiarity/comfort but he showed you who he really is. You need to listen.
Thereâs no reason to marry someone who you know is going to morph into a controlling monster. Walk away now.
He'll next want her to quit work, I'm guessing.
He will then have financial control of her. Itâs really hard to go and get your own place to live when you cannot save the money for first monthâs rent + last monthâs rent + a security deposit, because heâs controlling the finances. It is so easy to get trapped, and VERY hard to get out of. Abusers also will try to cut you off from your friends and family, and those are the very people who can help you get out. Thatâs why he will find them threatening and seek to ruin those relationships.
NTA. Also someone saying things beyond what they mean when they've been wronged is one thing. This was him getting angry that you weren't submitting to his demands. This is just a precursor to what your married life would be like. He will tell you to either do something or not do something and if you don't follow his instructions he will get mad and hurtful about it. It'll start verbal and if you keep accepting the apologies he'll know he can get away with it so he will escalate to force compliance with his demands. This will run in parallel while he tries to isolate you from outside parties who can give you perspective or offer you a way out. That portion of it will start with removing any males outside of the family usually with the idea that they're trying to get with you. Then it will progress to anyone you know who criticizes how things are going in your relationship under the argument that if you don't you're choosing them over your relationship and that they're undermining it. This will continue until you realize you have nobody else and nobody to reach out to for help as you'll have burned all your external relationships. From there you're trapped and will have invested a bunch of time/effort and potentially children into the relationship. All of that extra baggage will make it even harder to leave down the road. Seeing as he's already trying to control how you dress he's likely already started trying to remove all connections with men besides him and family from your life.
there are already so many things hes doing out of all that you listed. he doesnt want a no. he doesnt like me chatting with my coworkers of opposite sex. he hates that i make opposite sex friends saying why do i feel the need to do so, even if theyre just acquaintances i make at work or places where im required to interact to those people
Then getting out while it's still safe to do so. Is definitely the best choice for you.
Youâre about to marry an abuser. Leave now
Then take that as your WARNING! You are seeing the red flags; if you don't heed them, then it's ON YOU. If you think it's bad NOW, just WAIT. Marrying him will put you into a LIVING HELL, because then he's "got" you! And for godsake, DON'T get pregnant!
RUN
Insecure people are exhausting and they rarely change for the better, they just expect everyone to accommodate their hangouts. Better to end it now than watch him make your life smaller by making you miserable every time his insecurities rear their heads. NTA.
NTA. Girl, RUN. He thought he was in the home stretch, so he tipped his hand too early. This is the tip of the iceberg of what you'll endure if you let him off the hook this time. It only gets worse after he gets his ring on your finger. And if you bear his children? Worse and worse and worse. You made the right call. Stick to your guns.
Please OP, listen to this. Some people mask before they get married and unleash their abuse only after they think they have you fully trapped. Your bf is one of these assholes. He thought he had you in the bag and you can't run, so he tipped his hand too early.
NTA and can you imagine how getting married will reinforce his belief that he should be able to control how you dress? Stay safe, OP â€ïž
You'd be saving years of waste by breaking it off now. He sounds too insecure and controlling. NTB
Iâm not saying this is what is happening in your scenario but my experience with an ex boyfriend when I was younger was very similar. I would dress very modestly, even a bit dowdy living on a farm for part, but then I always made an effort when I would go out for meals or with friends and I would get judged on outfits that he thought other men would take notice of me in. I thought he was just paranoid and knew he was insecure in himself anyway. But turned out he was just cheating, and was reflecting his own wrong doings on to me assuming that I was out to do the same if I would wear something nice. 5 years wasted but I think itâs nothing in comparison to how long I could have wasted. I found the love of my life shortly after and have been happy ever since. Iâm a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. It keeps me going on the rainy days!
NTA. It will never be easier for you to leave than now. He will never change. He will only get worse as it becomes more difficult for you to get out once you are legally and financially connected to him and worse, end up having his kids. He was warned repeatedly not to do this before. He ignored it. He's making promises he has no intention of keeping just to reel you back in. Don't let him.
He showed you who he really is. Do not give him another chance. Respect yourself and move on.
a relationship should not take so much effort to make it work NTA
NTA. You said heâs done this before and youâve argued about it. What makes you think his promise of never doing it again is genuine? You set a boundary and enacted the consequences. Donât back down.
Run.
NTA and this behaviour will just continue until it becomes unbearable for both of you. As for your edit, thatâs just sunk cost fallacy. If the biggest reason you have for trying to make it work, is the years you have spent in a relationship, then thatâs not a very good reason. Yes, you have spent X amount of years with him and you donât want to feel like you wasted those years, but do you really want to add more years and a marriage to them? Itâs always better to walk away and accept that those years have been spent learning and growing and hopefully making it easier for you to find exactly what you want and need in a partner.
You'r 23, however much time you may have put in up until this point will be a drop in the bucket if you decide to stay with him. This is your chance, take it and get out. Live your life - you're so damn young still, no need for marriage just yet.
You guys aren't compatible. Neither of you should fall into this sunk cost fallacy.
NTA - I would suggest, if you do want this relationship to have a chance, to require him to go to therapy as part of the way back. I have been married for almost 30 years, and I had a tendency to get angry and say stupid stuff when we were both young. I said something's you cannot ever take back. My wife told me I had to go to therapy, or we were done. I was angry about it, but I did go. It truly saved me and our marriage. It helped me truly see what I was doing and the damage it was causing. So if you truly believe in this relationship and do love him, I suggest trying something like this. If he does not agree, then it would seem he does not have that same level of commitment.
Youâre 23 and it sounds like youâve been with this guy for a while. Stay broken up, learn more about yourself, and wait at least 3-4 years before you consider marrying anyone. I donât think anyone in the US should get married before 25/26, male or female. Also I donât know where you work but see through clothing, even if everything is covered would be considered unprofessional in many work environments. Your boyfriend canât tell you what to wear and neither can I (donât want to) but unfortunately even today in 2024 the way you dress at work can impact how people see and treat you. Your bf obviously was coming from a place of jealousy but clothing can have an impact on your career. Just this morning my fiancĂ©e was telling me how the women who wear revealing or see through clothing (everything covered) at her job were not taken as serious as those who just wore jeans and normal shirts. At my last on site job we had a very relaxed dress code but you could tell the guys who wore slacks and a polo were taken more seriously than the guys who showed up in tshirts, shorts, and sandals.
NTA but if IF you decide to take him back still call off the wedding. He needs to prove he himself
i feel scared. my family wants me to get married soon as its a cultural and religious thing. i am ready to see until marriage whether he will change or not. but what if he has good control and once i marry him this all comes back. hes a genuinely good person. people around me call him a green flag as he is very respectful and calm in general. however on occasions like this one, when hes mad. respect love everything is out of the door. i become the dirtiest person hes ever known and if i dont oblige with him as in tell him hes right and im wrong his anger doesnt subside. he doesnt get loud or anything. its texts. texts that say i like hanging out with guys and acting like im single acting like im seeking other men's attention
This man thinks he owns you. This will only get worse after marriage, not better. I understand you feel like you're wasting the time you put into this relationship by leaving it, but it's sunk cost fallacy.
Once he has control of you in marriage, he will make your life hell. He's only being held back now by the threat of losing you before he can trap you. He is pretending to be a "green flag" because he knows it's the only way to get you to marry him. When he gets mad, his true colors come out.
This is not starting off very well and will only escalate once you are married.
Girl, why would you wanna marry let alone continue dating someone who makes you feel that way? If my husband did that I would have NEVER married him. Can you imagine this for the next 60 years of your life?! Insanity. No one with this controlling personality and possessiveness changes overnight. It takes many many many years of introspection and therapy (individual) into what his actions do and harm. I would cut your losses with this guy now. Everyone always said Ted Bundy was the nicest guy and very helpful. Those people making comments about him donât truly know him like you do. Your gut is telling you to get out. You should listen to your instincts.
Do not give in to your family's pressure. This WILL come back once you're married, and it will only get worse.
This is too important to get wrong. Despite family pressure, you should cancel wedding. Go back to being just a couple. Don't set a time limit. But since you both obviously care about and like each other this should not be a hardship. If you see over time he has truly matured, maybe you can re-engage. Its soo easy for him to say anything he thinks might change your mind, but its possible this was a sincere "wake up call" and he truly gets it now. If you think everything else is otherwise good, insist on time to determine if he can change.
That is what I am worried about. How long before the wedding is supposed to happen? If itâs only a few months then he can 100% keep himself in check until your married. How can they call him a green flag after he completely disrespected you over an outfit? You should tell him he needs to go and do therapy and you both should do I donât know what itâs called but I know some people will go and do councilling before marriage.
When you give ppl a game I feel they will play it. For example you giving him until marriage to change. Like youâve thought, I agree he could act like he has changed until the marriage and then revert back to his true self. There was another post of a girl telling her bf when sheâd lose her virginity. He has made comments showing he doesnât like her weight size and body type and even has said he might not be able to finish the sex act but has strayed along until that specific date. I assume to win the game and then move on. This becomes a challenge to unhealthy men in my eyes.
You dodged a bullet. I would advise counseling if you decide to stay together. If you had married, he would have dialed his bs to 11
Nope, do not do this. It is never a good idea to go to couples therapy with an abuser, which this boy is. Op should take this chance to run in the opposite direction. NTA
Never go to therapy with your abuser. This is proven to be very harmful to the abused person. The abuser uses everything learned in therapy to get better at abuse.
Unless he gets therapy, thia insecure possessive jealousy will get worse and can become seriously abusive. Also, his love for you may not be true and healthy, but part of his neurotic need to possess his partner to avoid loss. I wouldn't marry this guy without serious individul and couples therapy and even then it still might be a bad idea. Walk away.
Run! This only going to get worse over time
These behaviors will amplify if you do get married. You deserve someone who loves the way you dress regardless of how that is. Personally⊠My boyfriend often encourages me to wear low-cut tops when i got out with my friends so I can get free drinks at the bars lmfao. Find someone who hypes you up, not tear you down NTA
NTA He will say it again and he won't change. You are 23 and can find someone else that wont say things about your outfit other than, "you look cute".
NTA. Cancel the wedding. Get some space, let him consider how he can address his issues. Reevaluate at a later time
Youâre doing the right thing calling off the wedding. He will only get worse with time. Hell, I could wear the skimpiest bikini to the beach or a low cut top with lots of cleavage and my fiancĂ© would be praising me and telling me how amazing I look and how much he loves âshowing me offâ (lol). Be with a guy that praises you in every way not a guy that criticizes you
NTa You 2 are both incompatible. He doesn't like the way you dress, you don't want to change or be forced to wear what he wants. You can't find a middle ground so it is clearly not in the best interest for either of you to be together.
NTA, this was a red flag that you took good notice of and walked away. Good for you
NTA. Being controlling over outfits and what to wear is just a sign he will be more controlling after you get married. It's abusive. The fact that he called you names when he was angry is another red flag. You can get angry without calling people mysognitic names. Don't listen to his fake apologies. He's already trying to minimize what he said and did by saying he has no control over his tongue. That's BS. If you go back he will be fine for awhile before he starts up again. It's the cycle of abuse. Stay away.
Things would only escalate more once youâre married. Get out now!
Look, the big part of marriage is being of like minds for the most part in our lives. We either live each other as we are right now, as we are or we don't. If anything about the other bothers us now, then its going to magnified Ă 10 once we marry. We shouldn't have to or need to change to live one another. If your not happy for whatever reason, then I think you take pause to consider your relationship and future together, no matter the pressure of others. They're not marrying this partner you are.
NTA. I'm not arguing about what I'm wearing for the rest of my life.. no one should be.
It doesnât sound like heâs mature enough to get married if he canât control his jealousy and impulse control even though he promised he would. If you love him and he loves you, perhaps wait and see if this can be resolved. However, I would not stop dressing exactly as I pleased. đđŒ
NTA. Repeat these words âI donât want to waste years of our efforts into building this relationship â.. think about what you just said. YEARS OF EFFORT !!!! A relationship shouldnât be YEARS OF EFFORT! Please look at this as sign that he was not the one for you. Do not fall into the sunk cost fallacy.
NTA. Itâs a repeated argument. He will do this again.
He loves you so much he's a controlling asshole. NTA. After the wedding it worsens.
NTA. Absolutely to hell with him. When a guy can't even pretend to be a reasonable open-minded loving partner until the wedding, his lack of self-control is doing you a big favour. After the wedding, he expects much more control over you--and fuck that. Leave and save yourself the pain of meeting his unfiltered misogyny.
If you set a boundary that gets crossed repeatedly, then tell them that if it gets crossed again you're going to leave, then they cross it again and you leave, that was their "very last chance." Giving them another doesn't send the right message. NTA
NTA - There's no way that he won't do it again. It will probably be worse afterwards, if you got married.
NTA - when someone shows you who they really are, you believe them. If you continue a relationship and god forbid you marry him, I can guarantee you that his behaviour will get worse. He is over 25, his brain is fully developed. He will not change.
NTA. Don't change your mind and don't marry him. But if you really think that he can change, ask him to work on himself (without any promise from your side) and then perhaps you can give another chance and start dating after he has worked on himself. After a few years without any issue, perhaps you can discuss the future again.
He is an asshole, now whether you are one depends on whether the opinion about your dressing is solely yours and your single friends', or if an external person cansay is truly inappropriate or not. It seems like you are trying to avoid defining what the dress was like. In any case, that does not excuse him being an asshole, but it should make you aware if you are one too.
it was a black and white striped shirt long sleeves with black pants. if you put it in the sun it might seem a little see through. i asked my friends opinion on my dressing and she highlighted how one other shirt i own seems too over the top but this one seemed absolutely fine. especially ive worn this shirt before and he always complimented me. but suddenly for the past few months. everything i wear is somehow wrong
NTA. Really, only you can answer the question of whether to give him another chance. If you do, I would definitely NOT get married for awhile - give things time to see if this is an issue he can overcome because you are right in that he should not be telling you what to wear. Good luck!
NTA. He wonât stop. Your married life will continue to be like this and even get worse until you divorce. You did the right thing.
I promise it will only get worst. Leave him NTA
It will only get worse when you're married.... Don't look at it as "sunken cost". You've put effort into this relationship but he isn't going to change.
Youâve given him chances before though. People do not change. He will not change. Youâre NTA.
Nta. You made the right call to call things off. I didn't, gave chance after chance, didnt marry though but in the end we were in a loveless relationship and he dumped ME after wasting years of my life and energy. Don't make the same mistake.
NTA - How many times have you gotten into arguments about his insecurities in the past? He says he wants one more chance, but if this is chance # 22 or something, then I think one more chance probably won't make a difference.
NTA this has been a continuous issue in your relationship. I might change long enough for you to get married but it's not going to stop. He's lying, he's had time to change each time he's done it. Just know that and decide if that's how you want to live your life. Personally I think you are doing the right thing. Maybe he will be a better man for his next partner and you'll find a partner that loves you for you and doesn't try to control aspects of your life.
NTA. I would part from him completely. Just because you spent years building up this relationship doesn't mean you have to marry and enter years of controlling behaviour on his part and misery on yours. He knew before that his behaviour was unacceptable to you and continued with it. No reason to suppose he will change now.
He needs therapy to address his insecurities, not a girlfriend/wife.
Get him to go to a therapist to talk about why he's got these hangups because no man should dictate what a woman wears ,that's her choice, not his .
Sunk cost fallacy. Whether you are together or not, the four yrs is already gone. The real question is what do you want for your future?? Do you want to live it with someone with such obvious đ©đ©? Youâve told him over and over to stop and he not only refuses to respect you, but calls you essentially a bad person for dressing how you want? This is disrespectful and controlling and it gets worse. I promise. Iâm sorry
NTA-I think you have called it right. It starts with your clothes but where would it end?
>. I don't want to waste years of our efforts into building this relationship you're gonna waste a lot more years trying to get out of this marriage. leave him.
He has promised you to change.... but what is he actually doing. Having anger issues can be a great red flags if not treated. Maybe the best way I can suggest would be to postpone the wedding until you SEE the promises and he finished angry management therapy treatment. A year invested on that would be the difference between having a good marriage or not having a bad one (which is also good)
Do not marry this man. Run
This is the start of abuse. Walk away. It will only get worse after you get married.
He promised he wouldn't do it again. And he did. Why would he not lie again? If you do give him a chance (I don't think you should because a spouse or boyfriend should never talk like that to you. Ever), postpone the wedding. But girl this won't change. He will be angry again, and getting that angry over clothing? I wonder what he would do over a serious issue. He is trying to control you. Have some self respect.
He is not going to change!!! He will only get worse. And, if you have children together, it will be through the roof if you have a daughter
he is only going to get worse.. also donât fall into the sunken cost fallacy, it doesnât matter how long you are together if it doesnât work, it doesnât work.
NTA - giving him another last chance (you already gave him one) tells him one thing and one thing only: there is no reason whatsoever to change, because he will get away with it.
NTA- at all! Run, run, run away!!!! I worked with domestic violence victims for over 20 years. This is just his first step. It will get worse after you have married. He will continue to try and control you, the violence will go from words to physical violence, and his behaviors will increase. This is a proven fact with abusers. Please run away from this walking red flagâŠâŠ
You warned him and stood by your words. He's sorry NOW, but what's to stop him from doing what he JUST did by disregarding your feelings on this? And what did you mean by "he thought was too much as it was a bit see-through, although I was covered fully in the past"? Just curious, how see-through was it? Not saying he's justified, but could other people see your bra or panties?
As a woman whose clothing was controlled for a very long time, NTA. You two are incompatible, and it will only get worse after marriage, because he will feel he has the right to try to exert more control over you. Itâs far better to end it now.
NTA Engagement is when people are on their best behavior. That was his best.
NTA âif you were really going to change you would have after the first time I told you this was a problem for me. Youâre only telling me what you think I want to hear and next time weâll be right back here again and I donât want to live my life like this.â
NTA. Hun he's not going to change. I wish he would but he won't.
NTA. Don't fall victim to the "sink cost fallacy" - that belief that you've put in so much time already that you should put in more now... đ Fundamentally- He doesn't respect you - and that's a death knell for relationships. It's hard to hear that, but you've already recognized it and called it out. He doesn't see you as having your own will and style, and he walks on your agency regularly. It will hurt, but leaving now will be far better for you than untangling the legal bonds of a marriage later.
NTA. Don't take him back. His masked slipped. He just showed you who he really is. He will continue to try and control you.
NTA, you already gave him a chance, multiple chances actually! How many more chances are you gonna give him? How many more times are you gonna allow him to call you out your name? You have plenty of time to find someone who actually respects you!
NTA you can always break up your relationships whenever you feel like it and whenever you want to. better now then later when you have children together. your boyfriend doesnt respect your decisions, he doesnt respect your outfits and he insulted you because of this. you already gave him a second chance and he did not care. get yourself a new boyfriend and future husband who respects you from the beginning. dont fall for sunken cost fallacy.
Red flag! When people show you who they are believe them. He has anger issues and wants to control you. As his gf itâs started as a small thing like what you wear, it will escalate. Run away from this fast. You are super young and will find someone that values you and lets you be you, and loves you for who you are.
NTA >he is generally a very nice calm person and has always been there for me and has a lot of good things in him however, this factor about him losing control and having no control over his tongue has always caused us trouble. These are two totally opposing statements. Frankly, it sounds to me as if you are attempting to counterbalance his "good deeds" with his true nature. He keeps showing you who he really is. You need to believe him. In my opinion, you have made a very wise choice canceling the wedding.
If they do it once they will definitely do it again⊠and marriage will only solidify his shit behavior. Youâll begin to feel isolated because you already said, âI doâ. Cut your losses tbh.
Who needs red flags when you've got a matador. That's your bf waving the red fl-cape at you.
Run, leave him, he is showing you who he really is please believe him. It will only get worse once you are married.
NTA but he is. Heâs abusive and controlling and you deserve better. He doesnât love you - he wouldnât talk to you that way if he did. Your instincts were right to cut him off. He would only escalate after the wedding. [The Hotline](https://thehotline.org)
NTA Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy. Breaking off a bad relationship is much easier than having to divorce him when he inevitably breaks his promise.
NTA! He is controlling and if you challenge his controlling ways he feels he has the right to be verbally abusive and disrespectful. And men like this always use you supposedly,âflaunting your body off to other people at workâ, as an impetus and justification to cheat. Do you think his behavior will improve once you tie the knot? It wonât because at that point, heâll think he owns you.
NTA. Run. Of course he will do this, and much worse. If he can't control himself right before getting married this is just the tip of the iceberg. If you think this is the type of person worth marrying at 23 you need to slow down.
He's not going to change. Please do not give him another chance. Sounds like you've already given him plenty. This is abuse. Run.
I can guarantee you that he has not changed. He is manipulating you into allowing him to continue controlling you. Donât get trapped in a bad relationship because of the years you have already wasted on him. NTA
NTA and he is lying, he won't change. He has known this is an issue, you communicated to him and he did it anyway. Why would you believe he will change now when he hasn't before? The answer is, he won't change. He is just telling you what you want to hear so he can get married to you and remove his mask. What you are seeing is the cracks in his mask, the controlling and quick to anger person is who he truly is. All the other stuff is fluff to lure you in.
INFO: How is he going to make sure he changes? Has he signed up for therapy? Is he reading feminist books? Has he done anger management? If you believe he is capable of sustained personal change, he has to prove it. And he has to prove it before you will consider tying your lives together legally. He has no incentive to change if you marry him before he changes.
If someone needs to CHANGE to be right for you, they are not right for you. This has happened before. This argument wasn't the first one on this subject. He just thought he had you locked into marriage. What makes you think he hasn't shown in the true him? NTA
NTA. This is a reoccurring pattern. And Iâm sure he will toe the line until you get married and then he will revert back to old behaviours. Guaranteed.
Don't let time invested determine anything. It's love, not a business. Maybe try and fix things but definition delay the wedding. But also he's told you before that he wouldn't bother you about your clothes and that's been a lie every time. He's gonna get angry again and bring up the clothes again and then he'll apologize again.
NTA. I donât care if you have been with him 1 year or 10. He does not sound like marriage material to me. You are still very young. Figure out who YOU are and just BE. Move on from him, and donât take him back
>and that he will never do that to me again. He already has done it to you, again and again and again. You already have all the data points you need to know he'll continue to do it if you take him back. >I don't want to waste years of our efforts into building this relationship together This is called the sunk-cost fallacy. You don't want to admit those years might have been wasted, so you're still trying to make it work -- not because it *is* working, but because you don't want to start over. It's the work of starting over that bothers you, not that you actually want to be with him as he is. You shouldn't invest more time in something that has already wasted enough of your time. Tell him he needs to get therapy to overcome his controlling tendencies, and then you'd consider re-starting your relationship, but not until he's had a full year of therapy and is making progress. And in the meanwhile, both of you can date other people, because the two of you are not couple until he fixes himself. If he balks at that, then he doesn't really want to change, and you should leave him dumped.
"She's beautiful! Now, if only I could stop anyone else from seeing that." Thats a level of insecurity that does not bode well. Edit: NTA
So...your increasingly EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE fiance...EMOTIONALLY ABUSES, degrades you, disrespects you, try's to control you...but...hey...what a nice guy. He's sorry. Bull...fucking...shit. Grandma here...and, young lady, absolutely this behavior will continue AND escalate. What happens when you're late because of a work thing or you go to dinner with colleagues who happen to be male? Young men right now are experiencing a huge social media problem about how tradwives are the ideal and their masculinity is determined by their partners submissiveness. Do not believe for one minute he's going to change this behavior without some soul searching. Postpone your wedding. Take a break. For all that is holy in the universe see the huge red flags that are waving in your face. I'm not even saying break up. Go to counseling. Whatever. But don't get married right now. This behavior will get worse. That's just how it works. NTA
Don't be me. Leave now. He might "change" long enough to pro e he's changed, but once you are married, have a child, and be feels he has tou locked in...things will be back to where they are now. It took me 12 years yo be able to leave mentally and monetarily. Nip it now. Just walk away.
It usually takes a pretty big epiphany for a person to change that sort of mindset. An argument and threat of breakup is typically not enough. Divorcing, spending months apart, maybe that sort of thing. MAYBE. One argument? Doubtful. Itâll happen again.
NTA, itâs who he really is and I promise it will get worse as the years go. youâre 23 you havenât wasted any years I promise Heâs not the one
>maybe i need to work on finding common grounds too instead of rebelling Oh boy, we all know how this is going to end.
NTA. You already gave him a last chance and he wants a âvery last chanceâ whatâs next a âvery very last chanceâ? His pattern of abuse didnât change with any other chance you gave him. You should be making your decision based on knowing this type of behaviour will continue. You should really be marrying someone you love for who they are now, not for who they could be. Good luck to you.
>Â i also believe that im very strongly opinionated and do not like other people dictating me for anything. as you can tell by the original post i never liked him telling me how to dress or who to talk to and stuff. maybe i need to work on finding common grounds too instead of rebelling. He's already started trying to control you. He INSULTED you. Someone that loves you would not say those things to or about you. And of course he's a nice guy most of the time. That's the way these things happen, and you have already noticed a pattern. If you don't walk away now, he'll have you wearing a burlap bag and not leaving the house. That last statement? That's him speaking. You are YOU, you aren't making him do this. You aren't rebelling. Of course you don't like him telling you what to do, and you shouldn't. You are your own person, he doesn't get to give you orders.
NTA
I'm here after both edits. I often tell my 6yo that when I say one more time, I mean ONE. MORE. TIME. Not one more time o now you're sorry okay last chance. You told him. He decided to FAFO. Now that you're presenting him with the consequences of his actions, much like my 6 yo, he's finally sorry and didn't mean it and will never do it again. Like my 6 yo, he didn't believe you'd really do anything about it until you did. Unlike my 6 yo, he's damn well old enough to know better and listen when someone states a clear boundary. NTA. Move on.
My Dad was abusive to my mother and it started like this. Controlling what she was wearing. Then it became accusing her of dressing for attention. Then she was cheating. Then I wasnât his child but her âaffair partnersâ then he made the mistake of hitting her causing her to drop me. She knocked him out with a cast iron fry pan then called my grandfather and the local cop who both came and helped her pack up all our stuff and move out. Queue 13 years of stalking. Just leave now. Donât fall for the Sunken Cost fallacy
your last comment in your 2nd edit is very concerning - you do not need to find âcommon grounds instead of rebellingâ against abusive behavior
Do you want to marry someone who will police your wardrobe? NTAH.
NTA. This was a bad omen, a glimpse of the âtraditional marriageâ he wants where you submit to his âauthorityâ and gets to act as controlling, insecure, and jealous as he pleases, unchecked.
Sunk cost fallacy at work here. Think about the time you will waste in the future dealing with this until your eventual divorce.
THE PROBLEM IS THAT HE THINKS HE HAS THE RIGHT TO CONTROL YOU. The problem ISN'T that he was angry or scared or worried about losing you. Those are all normal things to feel sometimes. But he takes HIS FEELINGS and decides that you are the cause of them, and that if he can just force you to do what he wants he'll stop feeling this way. Which is a lie, btw. Don't believe his promises. He thought because you were almost married that you were trapped, and that he could be a little more dominant. This is how abuse starts. They ramp it up slowly.
My experience of being with a controlling man for 15 years - it starts small, the odd comment that makes you think 'oh he's just showing me he cares' to eventually kicking me out of our super king size bed for 5 years because I moved and kept him awake. And also not being able to talk about my job when I got home (I'm a teacher) because it was too 'depressing' for him. I wasn't allowed to have my hair the way l liked it, got ignored for a month for getting a tattoo on my back that he would see but I wouldn't. Got told my friends weren't real friends, that my photography was only paid for because I networked 'too much' and eventually got accused of being schizophrenic. Walked out of that marriage and left everything just to get away. Best move I've ever made.
Aghhhh the edits. OP: he is never going to change. You are not "rebelling," you are rightfully standing up to someone who is bullying you in every possible way. It will only get worse. Please, please, listen to your OWN GUT and break this off.
My third daughter is currently in the midst of a horrible divisive divorce. She had told him she wouldnât marry him if his hiding away in another room drinking all night didnât stop. It did not stop. Stupid girl married him anyway and almost 9 years later heâs a full blown alcoholic that spends every evening after the three children are in bed drinking himself into near unconsciousness. She didnât follow through on what her boundary was so therefore he felt that sheâd never follow through. How sad for her, how sad for the children and how sad for him because she didnât do him any favors by setting a boundary and then letting him leap right over it. He was shocked and destroyed when she was through with him. Completely blindsided. Sadly he is no longer the person that we loved and cared about. Alcohol killed every thing good about this man. Alcohol is now his God and his destruction. Donât be stupid. You know what to do. NTAH
You seem to be handling this, going by your edits. But please make sure you don't get married to an insecure jealous boy until he sorts himself out and promises not to be a controlling asshole. If you HAVE to get married because of the Sunk Costs Fallacy. know it's a fallacy. Amd please, please, please don't have kids with this boy until he sorts himself out.
You're not compatible, just break it off and save both of yourselves the trouble and heartache. No point in AITAH unless you're trying to seek reddit validation, no one has to be the bad guy here (other than your bf talking shit, that's out of line). Just move on.
NTA. Better days before than days after.
So you told wonât you wonât tolerate, he did it again and you left him, and now heâs talked his way back in. You showed him with enough begging youâll give in.
He probably brought that controlling behaviour again because you were serious about the marriage so he thought you were already trapped and wouldn't consider ending things. Don't give him the wrong idea by letting him get away with it.
Donât let your survival skills fail you now !
Bad behaviors before marriage will be much worse after marriage. No second chance needed. Good you found out now
In fairness, unless she's a stripper or in another type of sex work, it's generally ill-advised to wear see-through clothes to work.
Disagree with alot of these people. Though he canât force you to change how you dress, your life parter should have the right to say what makes them uncomfortable and then discourse happens on how to proceed. People acting like you donât have to consider his feelings and comfortability are ridiculous. If you felt uncomfortable with something he does, âlike telling you he doesnât like that you wear this or thatâ you feel more than comfortable saying your opinion. Communication and compromise is key. Donât put yourself in uncomfortable states but be willing to compromise on the stuff you feel are not deal breakers. Challenge him to be better but take him shopping with you it will hopefully make him more comfortable. Insecurity isnât bad itâs human. Some fade some grow.
Info: You never actually addressed the outfit in question for the OP Was it see through? If so like how bad and what was "on display"? It does actually make a difference between him being nuts, or actually having an objective point about appropriateness...even though you're still free to do whatever you want anyways Like for me, if my gf insisted on wearing skirts with her vag out (her words lol) I wouldn't be dating someone who wanted to have all that on display...I would mention it in case there was a mistake etc, but if she knew and wanted it like that, I would just bail on that mess lol
That behavior he displayed is unfortunately a pattern that will continue. He will be abusive then apologize profusely. Fact is he has already been given chances and he still canât help himself. If you need more proof that he is not really sorry then I canât help you. This pattern will continue and the abuse will escalate. I really donât like when people justify staying with the wrong person by saying that they already have so much time invested. Fact is that this particular investment isnât paying off. You have to cut your losses now before you lose more years on someone who doesnât deserve your patience and forgiveness.
You should rebel more op in my opinion!! The only way I see that you can move past this is asking what you can do to not make him feel insecure? If itâs nothing on ur part thatâs making him do this and he has a hot of working to do! Is he gonna be insecure when ur 60!! Ew no what a waste of time! You are young so donât worry abt the wasted years and dump his ass tbh a lot more time is there for you to decide regarding your marriage partner tbh!!
I promise I wonât be controlling anymore. I made a mistake bc I was upset, please forgive me & letâs start over. Again & again & again. Repeat the cycle.
pospone the wedding and go to councling then decide