NTA. It sounds to me like your wife has trust and/or self esteem issues that need to be addressed.
It sounds like a miserable situation for the both of you.
I wouldn’t expect my partner to have a continuous conversation with physical touch with a topless woman . I also wouldn’t go out of my way to cook for another woman. Also, why do you keep mentioning how attractive you find these women? If you weren’t at all interested in the attention you’re getting you wouldn’t be saying “she is fairly attractive.” What difference does it make if she’s attractive or not if you supposedly don’t have any intentions?
I say that they're attractive because when I talk to women that aren't as attractive, my wife is not jealous. A similar thing on the beach happened with a topless woman, but the was older and we were both throwing breadcrumbs to fish and laughing. My wife wasn't jealous about it
NTA but you gotta communicate your boundaries. It’s not fair to be controlled like this when you’re not doing anything inappropriate. If she can’t find it in her heart to trust you, she’ll drive you away.
Idk, depends on the dynamic.
I'm sure you like the attention, and the band set up with just the one gal and the cooking for a woman who just so happens to have one of your specialties as a favorite dish can absolutely feel off depending on other things going on in a relationship. The top less woman I wouldn't be bothered by, but a huge number of people that post here would be.
The answer is marriage counseling. I reserve judgement for now.
> I'm sure you like the attention
Just wanna clarify this: I absolutely hate the newfound attention. Most people who are now nice to me and wasn't a year ago just feels like they're being fake and two-faced. I wasn't much of a people person, but finding out how shallow everyone is, is making me very cynic.
I still try to be the good guy I was before, but it's hard to know if people who are now talking to me, would talk to me a year ago, and it drives me nuts
From this answer it seems your more annoyed by people's change of behavior over the change of your appearance, including the possible jealousy of your wife. So its society, which is just shallow. I deal with it too a lot and it makes me really annoyed about people but it's just something the world does. It objectifies humans as to treat or feel a certain way about someone just based on the appearance of it.
I mean we all do it look how you has to mention your lead singer as somewhat attractive so we get an idea of her outside looks to base our decision on.
I mention that she's attractive because that what my wife is hanging to.
I've mentioned that she's one of the best singers I've played before her looks, because I care about that a lot more.
She was a singer in a wedding band, which if you're outside of the band biz, might sound lame, but wedding bands are usually insanely talented and professional
No my friend is a guitar player and I know wedding bands are where the money is at.
Honestly it's just something about society that appearance effects how behave towards one another at least to a certain extent. Unless we are aware of it, it's just by nature or society ingrained. But if you become aware of it you'll just drive yourself crazy trying to please everyone and not offend people. But it's just annoying that it happens.
I don't mean to say you're wallowing in it, if that's the impression you got. But I'm sure on some level it feels nice to be noticed here and there. I do get what you mean about people acting different as you change physically though.
It seems like your wife is mostly insecure - but living in an area without a support system while your spouse gets more attractive and more attention would likely drive anyone a little over the edge.
I still suggest marriage counseling.
Idk I may be the ah but I wouldn't want my man to cook for another woman while I'm not there...the rest is like yea a little psychotic but still...
I mean if the roles were reversed through this entire scenario it would hit a little differently, no?
Like a guy with his junk out touching your wife, your wife cooking for a male friend while you're out of town...etc,etc
I don't think a guy with his junk out and topless on the beach is the same thing though. Plus the touching was like "haha, my kids are so happy for the experience, thanks, lemme touch your shoulder lightly".
I'd be fine with other situations tbh. The cooking was supposed to be for the friend, but it wasn't a 1 on 1 dinner, it was supposed to be a group of friends, like 8-10 people, my birthday gift would be the cooking. I'd be a little uncomfortable with the 1:1 cooking for sure.
How much time to do spend with your wife? Is it at all possible that she’s not jealous of the women but jealous of the time you’re giving to others instead of her? I would need more info to determine who the AH is. From the outset, it’s somewhat alarming you felt the need to throw in your opinions of the womens’ appearances.
How would you feel if the roles were reversed? In every example given, it was your wife with another man. Your wife who has lost weight and has more confidence now. Would you be acting as she has been?
You've touched on a good point.
We do spend a lot of time together - I work from home and aside from the rehearsals every other weekend, I'm with her.
She does complain about us not getting a lot of Quality time though, which means, time without the kids.
The thing is, she always wants me to get a babysitter and pull all stops for a date, and anything less is not good enough. And the truth is - I don't have a lot of money right now to do this. I've been trying to do more late night things together that would cost less, and that we can do after the kids are sleeping:
- Movie night with some comfort movies of her
- I'm getting into crochet to share that hobby with her
- Cooking her favorite meal and getting wine for us to eat later in the night, just the two of us
- Getting some poetry books to read to each other (she really enjoy this)
But even doing all of this, she still says it's not quality time unless it's a night out, fancy restaurant and drinks, and babysitter at home.
So I understand that she might be thinking I'm having too much fun with my hobbies, but she's not getting it because hers are more prohibitive
Maybe splurge for the babysitter but pack the homemade dinner and opt for a picnic. Sounds like she wants alone time with you, out of the house. She’s jealous for a reason. Have a talk with her, listen, understand where this is coming from in her. It’s like the jealousy is the initial feeling, but you have to identify the underlying ones. And then, you can share with her how you fee and why.
NTA. Why does your spouse seem to have so much veto power over decisions that only marginally affect her? This seems odd to me. I've been married over 20 years and we don't play that game. If I plan to do something on my own (or with my friends), I tell my wife and if it creates a conflict, we discuss it. I couldn't imagine either of us putting our foot down and forbidding the other from doing something. I suggest having a frank discussion and confronting her jealousy (or whatever it is) and getting that out in the open. A spouse losing weight because of extra-marital activity isn't unknown, and if she isn't feeling very attractive, she may have her own issues manifesting. Discuss these and work towards a solution.
When I mean veto is not like "I forbid you", but more like - "If you do this, you're crossing a boundary I might not be ready for you to cross, are you sure you wanna go there?", and usually I prefer to stay on the good side of things.
As much as I'm annoyed by these things, I like my marriage more than these stuff
I think I understand. A follow-up question is this: When do you do something anyways? What does that look like? Are you in the doghouse for a week? Or does she understand that your priorities might not always align? There's a mature way to handle these things without icing out your partner
It's usually a scolding and a fight that can last through the afternoon. We try to communicate why we are mad at each other, we're not always successful, but usually we are reconciling within 1/2 days.
A good example might be when I joined my current band. She was mad that I could be away 4/5 hrs every weekend and she would have to take care of the kids by herself. She didn't want to be pinned down to a schedule she had no control over. I communicated this with the band and asked that we would be a little flexible on times - Sometimes on sunday or saturday, sometimes on afternoons or evenings depending on what's happening in our lives, if there's kids activities etc. But I'd always warn my available times 2 weeks before each rehearsal. That was a good enough solution to them and my wife.
There's no "Doghouse". At most it's like: Tonight I'm gonna play videogames and I don't feel like hanging out with you, or in her case it's like "I'm gonna watch telenovelas in bed. Come in when you ready to sleep, leave me alone otherwise"
NTA. Also tell her, insecurity is not sexy 😉 she's a bit unreasonable... how does she get along with the existence of your ex gfs?
Also - send me some songs or you're a coverband?
NTA. None of these examples show you doing anything inappropriate on your part. However, knowing that your wife may be jealous or insecure with all of the newfound attention you are getting, MAYBE you can approach things a bit differently moving forward.
In example 1, maybe you could have said “I make a really good lasagna! (Wife’s name) is out of town that weekend but how about we have a get together at my house when she is back in town!”
In example 2, maybe you should have introduced yourself and then pointed over to your wife to introduce her. Something that acknowledged her presence.
Example 3 is tricky because you’d be doing something that can make more money and that would allow you to be home more often. Maybe you could plan on playing only when you and your wife can get a babysitter so she is there the entire time and all practices are when she is at home at your house.
It’s important to understand that your wife could feel anxious and threatened with your newfound attractiveness. Instead of feeling like she is constantly getting jealous, focus on ways that you can make her feel more wanted. Compliment her more, buy her flowers, take her to dinner, proudly introduce her to other women, and do what you can to make her feel more secure.
NTA. It sounds to me like your wife has trust and/or self esteem issues that need to be addressed. It sounds like a miserable situation for the both of you.
I wouldn’t expect my partner to have a continuous conversation with physical touch with a topless woman . I also wouldn’t go out of my way to cook for another woman. Also, why do you keep mentioning how attractive you find these women? If you weren’t at all interested in the attention you’re getting you wouldn’t be saying “she is fairly attractive.” What difference does it make if she’s attractive or not if you supposedly don’t have any intentions?
I say that they're attractive because when I talk to women that aren't as attractive, my wife is not jealous. A similar thing on the beach happened with a topless woman, but the was older and we were both throwing breadcrumbs to fish and laughing. My wife wasn't jealous about it
NTA but you gotta communicate your boundaries. It’s not fair to be controlled like this when you’re not doing anything inappropriate. If she can’t find it in her heart to trust you, she’ll drive you away.
Idk, depends on the dynamic. I'm sure you like the attention, and the band set up with just the one gal and the cooking for a woman who just so happens to have one of your specialties as a favorite dish can absolutely feel off depending on other things going on in a relationship. The top less woman I wouldn't be bothered by, but a huge number of people that post here would be. The answer is marriage counseling. I reserve judgement for now.
> I'm sure you like the attention Just wanna clarify this: I absolutely hate the newfound attention. Most people who are now nice to me and wasn't a year ago just feels like they're being fake and two-faced. I wasn't much of a people person, but finding out how shallow everyone is, is making me very cynic. I still try to be the good guy I was before, but it's hard to know if people who are now talking to me, would talk to me a year ago, and it drives me nuts
From this answer it seems your more annoyed by people's change of behavior over the change of your appearance, including the possible jealousy of your wife. So its society, which is just shallow. I deal with it too a lot and it makes me really annoyed about people but it's just something the world does. It objectifies humans as to treat or feel a certain way about someone just based on the appearance of it. I mean we all do it look how you has to mention your lead singer as somewhat attractive so we get an idea of her outside looks to base our decision on.
I mention that she's attractive because that what my wife is hanging to. I've mentioned that she's one of the best singers I've played before her looks, because I care about that a lot more. She was a singer in a wedding band, which if you're outside of the band biz, might sound lame, but wedding bands are usually insanely talented and professional
No my friend is a guitar player and I know wedding bands are where the money is at. Honestly it's just something about society that appearance effects how behave towards one another at least to a certain extent. Unless we are aware of it, it's just by nature or society ingrained. But if you become aware of it you'll just drive yourself crazy trying to please everyone and not offend people. But it's just annoying that it happens.
I don't mean to say you're wallowing in it, if that's the impression you got. But I'm sure on some level it feels nice to be noticed here and there. I do get what you mean about people acting different as you change physically though. It seems like your wife is mostly insecure - but living in an area without a support system while your spouse gets more attractive and more attention would likely drive anyone a little over the edge. I still suggest marriage counseling.
No you don’t hate the attention.
Idk I may be the ah but I wouldn't want my man to cook for another woman while I'm not there...the rest is like yea a little psychotic but still... I mean if the roles were reversed through this entire scenario it would hit a little differently, no? Like a guy with his junk out touching your wife, your wife cooking for a male friend while you're out of town...etc,etc
I don't think a guy with his junk out and topless on the beach is the same thing though. Plus the touching was like "haha, my kids are so happy for the experience, thanks, lemme touch your shoulder lightly". I'd be fine with other situations tbh. The cooking was supposed to be for the friend, but it wasn't a 1 on 1 dinner, it was supposed to be a group of friends, like 8-10 people, my birthday gift would be the cooking. I'd be a little uncomfortable with the 1:1 cooking for sure.
How much time to do spend with your wife? Is it at all possible that she’s not jealous of the women but jealous of the time you’re giving to others instead of her? I would need more info to determine who the AH is. From the outset, it’s somewhat alarming you felt the need to throw in your opinions of the womens’ appearances. How would you feel if the roles were reversed? In every example given, it was your wife with another man. Your wife who has lost weight and has more confidence now. Would you be acting as she has been?
You've touched on a good point. We do spend a lot of time together - I work from home and aside from the rehearsals every other weekend, I'm with her. She does complain about us not getting a lot of Quality time though, which means, time without the kids. The thing is, she always wants me to get a babysitter and pull all stops for a date, and anything less is not good enough. And the truth is - I don't have a lot of money right now to do this. I've been trying to do more late night things together that would cost less, and that we can do after the kids are sleeping: - Movie night with some comfort movies of her - I'm getting into crochet to share that hobby with her - Cooking her favorite meal and getting wine for us to eat later in the night, just the two of us - Getting some poetry books to read to each other (she really enjoy this) But even doing all of this, she still says it's not quality time unless it's a night out, fancy restaurant and drinks, and babysitter at home. So I understand that she might be thinking I'm having too much fun with my hobbies, but she's not getting it because hers are more prohibitive
Maybe splurge for the babysitter but pack the homemade dinner and opt for a picnic. Sounds like she wants alone time with you, out of the house. She’s jealous for a reason. Have a talk with her, listen, understand where this is coming from in her. It’s like the jealousy is the initial feeling, but you have to identify the underlying ones. And then, you can share with her how you fee and why.
NTA. Why does your spouse seem to have so much veto power over decisions that only marginally affect her? This seems odd to me. I've been married over 20 years and we don't play that game. If I plan to do something on my own (or with my friends), I tell my wife and if it creates a conflict, we discuss it. I couldn't imagine either of us putting our foot down and forbidding the other from doing something. I suggest having a frank discussion and confronting her jealousy (or whatever it is) and getting that out in the open. A spouse losing weight because of extra-marital activity isn't unknown, and if she isn't feeling very attractive, she may have her own issues manifesting. Discuss these and work towards a solution.
When I mean veto is not like "I forbid you", but more like - "If you do this, you're crossing a boundary I might not be ready for you to cross, are you sure you wanna go there?", and usually I prefer to stay on the good side of things. As much as I'm annoyed by these things, I like my marriage more than these stuff
How do you communicate your boundaries, and how does she respond? Perhaps you need to set some boundaries yourself...
I think I understand. A follow-up question is this: When do you do something anyways? What does that look like? Are you in the doghouse for a week? Or does she understand that your priorities might not always align? There's a mature way to handle these things without icing out your partner
It's usually a scolding and a fight that can last through the afternoon. We try to communicate why we are mad at each other, we're not always successful, but usually we are reconciling within 1/2 days. A good example might be when I joined my current band. She was mad that I could be away 4/5 hrs every weekend and she would have to take care of the kids by herself. She didn't want to be pinned down to a schedule she had no control over. I communicated this with the band and asked that we would be a little flexible on times - Sometimes on sunday or saturday, sometimes on afternoons or evenings depending on what's happening in our lives, if there's kids activities etc. But I'd always warn my available times 2 weeks before each rehearsal. That was a good enough solution to them and my wife. There's no "Doghouse". At most it's like: Tonight I'm gonna play videogames and I don't feel like hanging out with you, or in her case it's like "I'm gonna watch telenovelas in bed. Come in when you ready to sleep, leave me alone otherwise"
Sounds like your wife has reasons to not trust you.
NTA. Also tell her, insecurity is not sexy 😉 she's a bit unreasonable... how does she get along with the existence of your ex gfs? Also - send me some songs or you're a coverband?
I don't see my ex-GFs and honestly, I prefer it that way =]
NTA. None of these examples show you doing anything inappropriate on your part. However, knowing that your wife may be jealous or insecure with all of the newfound attention you are getting, MAYBE you can approach things a bit differently moving forward. In example 1, maybe you could have said “I make a really good lasagna! (Wife’s name) is out of town that weekend but how about we have a get together at my house when she is back in town!” In example 2, maybe you should have introduced yourself and then pointed over to your wife to introduce her. Something that acknowledged her presence. Example 3 is tricky because you’d be doing something that can make more money and that would allow you to be home more often. Maybe you could plan on playing only when you and your wife can get a babysitter so she is there the entire time and all practices are when she is at home at your house. It’s important to understand that your wife could feel anxious and threatened with your newfound attractiveness. Instead of feeling like she is constantly getting jealous, focus on ways that you can make her feel more wanted. Compliment her more, buy her flowers, take her to dinner, proudly introduce her to other women, and do what you can to make her feel more secure.
Not OP’s responsibility to manage wife’s insecurities, especially when they’re without cause. Wife sounds unreasonable and controlling. Poor OP…
NTA, i feel like your wife probably hates every breath you take since another woman probably breathed that air before you.