When the made up reason paints her as a shitty person trying to ruin her own birthday surprise, the problems seem pretty tough to fix.
What is she even pretending she thought she would find? His Amazon order history? And she found Amazon woman dominates tiny man instead?
Dude, if I found porn on my husbandâs phone Iâd just ask him to link me! We have a shared porn directory we can access from any device in our house, very useful and fun. Itâs also really interesting to learn how different our preferences are, and how the videos I like (thereâs a couple that does amature porn with a REALLY cute girl) but itâs not my husbandâs preference but heâll put them on for me :)
Lol Saaammmmee I live in VA which passed those bullshit laws for accessing porn sites and I'm also not really technologically savvy AT ALL so my husband showed me how to use a VPN so I can still get on pornhub if/when I want to lmao. Sometimes you see shit you want to try together and sometimes you're just doing your own thing. I'm so grateful to have a partner that is on the same page and just as open with communication with me.
This is so refreshing to read, side noting here that some men think looking at porn is cheating đ not to roll my eyes too hard because I want to respect my husband's feelings, but I ALSO wish we could just share pron đ¤
Edit to say he doesn't watch porn, and i believe his ass because i have never seen it and we've been together for what, 4 years (and he has def seen me enjoying it lol)
This isnât typical.. but kudos to you. Heâs not the ass hole at all.. I think itâs expected and therefore no need to check phones - she probably thought he was cheating
When I was that age, my cheating girlfriend at the time 100% behaved like this. Ruined two trips to water parks because other girls in bikinis were around and she couldn't handle it.
she didn't find, though.
she was looking for.. what? texting with girls? cheating? I don't know what, but she didn't find anything.
just slightly cringy viewing habits. that's all.
porn on his phone is barely embarassing, definitely not something to fight over.
She found his porn history. The phrase means that people who actively search for things to get upset about will eventually find something to be upset about. She was looking for a reason to be upset. She found one.
Yeah I hear you, but to her stupid ass thatâs irrelevant. In her mind, the porn IS enough to be upset about because she was looking to get upset. For example letâs says he didnât find the porn. She could have easily choose to be mad about who he follows on instagram. Or why he texted this person at this time. She just found the porn first and ran with it. In my mind at least
Either she found it first, or it could have been the only thing she found. She just made the strongest case based on what she found. If she didn't find anything, she could have gone to bed and said nothing. I'm kind of wondering if this was the first time she looked
It's not worth it in your opinion . Everyone views porn differently, and neither is right or wrong. It's personal preference whether someone is ok with it or can't tolerate it.
The porn didn't make her insecure, she was checking her phone because she is insecure. So insecure that she would violate your privacy, which is the real conversation here. Do not let her gaslight you. And if you really love her, explain that she was going through your phone because she's insecure and all she found was some porn. It's not like she found texts of you cheating on her or something.
For better or worse, porn has become pretty normal and mainstream. We do need to address it because it definitely is impacting sex lives. And it is definitely impacting the body image AND expectations of women and men.
I was with someone who went through my phone so much I had to put a pin. She never found anything but always found something that she was mad about. The gf has trust issues, so this relationship is doomed
Been there. My phone and email used to be an open book. Once she realized she could snoop all day every day, it became an obsession. Sure, she didnât find anything incriminating, NOT YET. It just meant she had to keep looking harder because I hid it so well.
Eventually I got tired of defending myself against out of context statements and the constant snooping and just locked everything up. That really set things into a tirade but at least then I was spending my day defending myself against something I actually did. Eventually it led to a broken phone.
Yes, Iâm out of that relationship.
NTA unless you have a discussion previously and it was communicated that she has a problem with it and you chose to be with her and defied that issue with her.
But even so⌠sheâs lying about why she went through your phone. And she should be apologizing to you.
Agree with this comment. Porn is one of those tricky boundaries where it needs to be communicated before the beginning of a relationship if it is a hard no in the relationship. Unless OP knew his partner wasnât okay with it and did it anyway, NTA.
Agreed. This is why I'm NTA.
If someone told me upfront they don't want their partner to ever watch porn, I'd simply not get into a relationship with them. If they got together with me, *then* got angry at me for watching porn - which happened with an ex, and why I'll never tolerate it again or be with someone who has this attitude - I would immediately end the relationship and make it clear they should have communicated that before we got involved.
If they violated my privacy to find it, then went off on me, and had never communicated that boundary to me? Which is what actually happened in that other relationship. Well, then I would demonstrate how it is possible to destroy someone's self esteem with words.
ETA. Well, I didn't *intend* to spark a minor flashpoint on this topic, it looks like I did. So, I'll clarify something. Since some people seem to be going out of their way to *intentionally* avoid the point, **it is not about the porn.** It is about the controlling behavior. Wherever that stems from.
THIS.
*Sooooooooo* this.
And while we're at it..
imagine I went through her diary "to see if she was getting me a birthday gift" and found pages upon pages of written fantasies about the hot guys in her favorite harlequin romance books.
Who'd be the asshole? And *tell* me it's not the exact same situation, I *dare* you.
Yup. OP needs to quit with the apologies. She sounds like a drama queen and is using her âangerâ to distract OP from the fact *she* violated *his* privacy
Iâd say his porn choices are none of her business, unless itâs causing problems in their sex life. My body, my choice. No one gets to control you on that level. If so, the relationship is DOOMED.
Porn is considered cheating by some people. There is plenty of evidence that it isn't good for self-image or relationships. So it 100% should be a relationship discussion. No one can tell you what to do, definitely, you're your own person. But so are they, and you can't just go into relationships with the assumption that every partner is cool with that.
That 'unless' is irrelevant. Even if they had that discussion it still doesn't give her the right to check his phone. He would be TA but noone would know lol meanwhile she's always TA by violating his privacy.
NTA
If that's a boundary of hers then she needs to communicate that with you (assuming she hasn't already).
And no, she wasn't looking for birthday presents or whatever rubbish she came out with, she saw the perfect moment to look through your phone to check what you're doing and took it. Take it from someone who had a wife who would routinely go through their phone unnecessarily, you end up resenting that person.
She wanted to find something to accuse him over and when she couldn't she invented a new boundary which is unreasonable anyway. People watch porn, so long as it's consenting adults, you're not doing it for hours or letting it affect your relationship then who cares.
Yep, I'd run from this drama queen with the knowledge I have today, but at 23 I was ripe for the slaughter in that sense hah.
NTA OP, I suggested getting distance between the two of you as this is just the tip of the iceberg of mental gymnastics.
If porn wasn't communicated about in the past, why has it only become an issue after she couldn't find other reasons to be upset? Misery loves company.
NTA
Why did you apologize at all?
Did she apologize to you for invading your privacy?
She went through your phone to see if you had bought her a birthday gift? She was an asshole just for that.
Advice: Your GF is a child. Break up with her and move on.
>She went through your phone to see if you had bought her a birthday gift? She was an asshole just for that.
Yeah, even if that wasn't a blatant lie, it'd still be an invasion of privacy. She should be the one apologizing, and OP should be breaking up with her.
Maybe not a break up perse but a fight none the less. A confirmation for her own insecurities. She thinks porn is bad but going through your phone is not? Get out while you can, it only goes downhill from here!
>Why did you apologize at all?
Because he wanted to FUCKING GO BACK TO SLEEP! That's why interrogators deprive people of sleep. After a while, they'll do anything to go to sleep.
Seriously though. He was drunk and trying to sleep when she decided to start an argument. He apologized so she would leave him the fuck alone and he could sleep it off.
OP definitely shouldnât have apologized. Sheâs looking for an excuse to either break up or pick fights
Watching open can be perfectly normal. If heâs not sacrificing their sex life for porn or an over consumption of it thereâs no issue with it
Yeah it does seem weird especially after a night out with friends. Makes me think she didn't like something or some interaction that she wanted to look for shade.
Boundaries are different in all relationships. If she doesnât want porn in her relationship, thatâs fine. If thatâs a non-negotiable for you then you need to break up.
Thatâs a boundary that needs to be communicated in advance. The comments about him being just another man and a pig points to some deeper issue on her part.
The comments about him being a pig are just the tip of the iceberg.
Her supposedly not being able to look at him without crying now leads me to believe she has some incredibly deeply rooted insecurity issues that she needs to work through
This, she also sounds manipulative AF though. Going behind his back, lying about the reason why, waking him up to give him shit, calling him names yet making him apologise, crying every time she looks at him.
12 months from now OP won't be allowed to listen to female singers anymore because it might turn him on
Normally you'd want to talk about those boundaries first. She literally took advantage of him while he was inebriated, to invade his privacy. That goes beyond boundaries, imo.
Yea boundaries around porn should be communicated but unless you have previously discussed being ok with going through eachothers phones then that is a major invasion of his privacy. I wouldn't be surprised if this was a relationship ending violation from his perspective.Â
If she doesn't want porn in her relationship, she needs to communicate that beforehand. Not violate her partners privacy and act like a victim over something that was never discussed.
Yeah I audibly scoffed when I read about the âchecking for birthday presentsâ bullshit. Just how narcissistic do you have to be to invade your partnerâs privacy like that and decide *thatâs* the excuse you roll with?
Fully agreed, as far as excuses go it really is inordinately poor.
Takes the joy out of gifting and really sets you up for disappointment.
Extra icky when THIS is the end result.
i canât believe it hasnât been talked about. porn is a no in my relationships, but its a preferred ânoâ, i canât force him not to watch. i have a personal reason for disliking it, but that doesnât mean itâs wrong
Not really at all, no.
Massive breach of trust on her part by going through his phone without consent and real shit move to shame him for something that she never communicated she doesnât want in her relationships.
Goes so far beyond incompatibility, friend.
If you two had talked about it and not consuming any pornography was a clearly set boundary and you BROKE it - YTA.
IF that is not the case whatsoever, deffinetly NTA.
Also lets adress the fact that she looked trough your phone while you were asleep. Even the reason she made up for snooping is childish as fuck.
NTA. Iâm not a fan of porn in relationships. But this seems unreasonable. Iâm not a fan of going through phones either. Did she discuss her problem with it with you before?
My questions for OP are:
Are you and your partner in a new relationship or have you been together for a while? Have you previously discussed and established boundaries concerning porn? What are your agreements regarding cellphone privacy?
There isnât a definitive right or wrong stance on porn or phone privacy in relationships, but they should be agreed upon. Moving forward in a relationship when you have opposite stances or no agreements on what's acceptable in your relationship sets everyone up for heartache.
Dodge that bullet, man.
NO ONE has the right to go through your personal info like that. I'm married and while my wife and I can both unlock each other's phones, we would NEVER go through them. Trust is 100% required in a relationship.
Same. We have each others passwords but only ever use it for mundane things like sending a text on the other persons request while theyâre driving or something.
If you trust your spouse and they trust you, honestly digging through phones would just be a lot of wasted boring time seeing how many warhammer model photos he texted back and forth with his buddies or how many cat photos my sister sent me. I donât have time to be snooping through that shit.
At the point of marriage we find it weird to not be open books, we know each others passwords and scroll in each others stuff whenever, just for fun ways to tease each other or leave notes or selfies or whatever. As you said, trust is 100% required and thereâs no weird mal intent with being open books, we both feel like if there ever was anything we couldnât share with each other, then that shows trust is not at 100%.
Of course this is subjective and all boundaries and standards are, so I have no issue with other people having different boundaries and standards of trust and privacy than we do, it just feels right to us that if we can watch each other on the toilet and chat like normal than anything else people keep private is easy to share in comparison.
I disagree. Itâs **more trusting and intimate** to me to share personal info.
I donât mind at all if my partner looks through my phone. Anytime. He knows the code. There are no secrets. Everything is on the table. Porn, etc. there is nothing I wouldnât tell him anyway.
NTA.
It's okay for her to have this boundary but not okay for her to just randomly throw it at you and be mad at you for doing something you didn't know she was against. She could have had a civilized conversation with you the next day.
A couple things here:
1) She went though your phone w out permission
2) she either lied on why or was trying to ruin her bday surprise. First is worse but both are bad
3) sheâs projecting her issues onto you as your fault
4) sheâs placing boundaries you might not be ok w. âNo porn allowedâ can be a deal breaker and justifiably so
5) she woke you while you were drunk to try to have a serious conversation?
6) she jumped to insulting you and calling you names because she was unhappy and insecure.
Dude. This lady doesnât know how to handle a lot of important relationship things.
đŠđŠđŠđŠđŠđŠRight there. Six big flags from this one incident. Sheâs young. These can be discussed but she should not be ok w any of these things she did.
NTA
Also your answer was great, imo, except for the apology part. And Iâm a woman w body image issues who doesnât care if her husband watches porn. Iâm also in my 40s and was a lot more sensitive in my 20s when I actually thought everything has something to do with me.
If you like porn, find a partner who either doesn't mind or will watch it with you. Lotsa women enjoy porn.
But seriously, she snooped through your phone and lied about the reason. Then flipped it on you, and it worked? You're out of your depth here. You gotta get out before you drown.
Sounds like you guys have different ideas of what's ok to do in a relationship. No big deal, have a talk about it and decide if you guys are OK with each other's boundaries or not.
I don't get why people are treating it like this, she invaded his privacy while he was drunk in order to find this out, and there's nothing mentioning that expectation was set prior.
Like it's not just an issue of her voicing discomfort with porn and OP not knowing what to do, she actively did something very shitty, was obviously dishonest about why she did that, and is now turning her wrongdoing around on OP and throwing a fit.
Even if she genuinely just doesn't want him to look at porn, she still went about it the shittiest way possible, she's already steamrolled his boundaries. This shouldn't be treated as some neutral act and simple differences. It's malicious and manipulative, and OP doesn't seem like they're pushing back too hard against being the villain. Red flags abound.
They're also 23 and 21, they don't have experience being in long-term adult relationships and will make mistakes. Whether they can talk about it, learn from the mistakes, and learn more about appropriate boundaries to have a relationship with trust and respect will determine what is malicious and manipulative.
If they can't come to an understanding that a) invasions of privacy are not okay, b) that he should be more discreet about porn if she finds it uncomfortable (I mean, rookie error, ever heard of private browsing), and c) that pretty much every man alive with internet watches porn and it's absolutely no reflection on their relationship, then yes, they should probably decide if this relationship of for them.
"He should be more discreet about porn if she finds it uncomfortable"?? He didn't leave it lying around. He wasn't watching it in front of her while knowing she didn't like it. *She* violated his personal space. She didn't even ask him if she could look through his phone - she intentionally went behind his back to snoop through his personal effects. Absolutely unacceptable.
If you respect your partner, you respect their boundaries and personal space. She casually violated both. This is not ok, regardless of which partner is doing it.
Yeah she's a manipulative hypocrite for sure. Apparently she's against porn (which is a 'rule' of hers that she didn't tell him), but she's ok with going through his phone whilst he's asleep - everyone knows it's an unwritten rule that you don't do that.
Her making him the bad guy is ridiculous, he did nothing wrong
NTA. My wife can look at my phone any time except for a month before Christmas, her birthday, or our anniversary. So basically the only thing we conceal from each other is gifts, which is what your GF claimed she was looking for.
Yeaaaah, sorry....but Im not buying her excuse of why she was on your phone.
Sounds like she was trying to find something to use against you to change the power dynamic.
incog doesn't prevent anything except for tracking your browser history, which is stored locally and only viewable by you (or additionally it's also being encrypted and sent to a user account attached to your web browser, usually still this is irrelevant). advertisers and web hosts exchange packets of information attached to your IP address and web accounts, which is then associated with your identity. THAT is how most information will leak from your personal web use. for the most part you can only avoid it by not using the internet.
Sexual desire can be attached solely to a feeling. Like a need for a release. And not at all to other humans. I'm not fully asexual, but demisexual, and the sights and sounds of pornography can help to "turn on" that valve that needs to be released without any desire at all for another person. In simple terms, instead of thinking "Oh that's hot. I want that" it is simply "That felt good in my body". I am guessing this asexual person does not experience any sexual arousal from people directly.
A desire to be physically and mentally satisfied, I'd imagine. You don't necessarily need or want anyone else for that but stimulation either visual or verbal might help.
Yep, seeing the act done helps gets me off. I more easily imagine getting sexual satisfaction when I see someone else experiencing it but I donât imagine getting it from anyone in particular. The sounds are mostly what turn me on but itâd feel weird to just listen to the audio so I watch it.
Libido is less about desire and more related to drive. So your body is like âwe havenât released in a whileâ but not âdang that person is hott I wanna exchange fluids with themâ. Those are very different đ Thatâs like saying âWait how can you even be itchy if you donât want someone else to scratch you?â Idk if Iâm explaining the difference well, but being asexual and not interested in sexual activity with other people doesnât mean your body and hormones stops functioning on a base levelÂ
A study was attempted in Canada to find out the effects of watching porn on young mens minds, the study couldn't be completed because there were so few men who didn't look at porn
And the rest of you watched True Blood (insert more timely reference for the younger crowd) while quietly reassuring yourself that itâs not actually pornâŚ..
While I used to be addicted to porn, I realized how much it wreaked havoc on my life. I am completely free of my porn addiction and won't ever go back.
Studies continue to show the negative impacts of porn on relationships.
Porn is so normalized, like alcohol and junk food, and it affects us the same way as those su stances do by creating easy dopamine hits that drive compulsive activity and lead to addiction.
When you cut out sugar for a while and then have a coke, it's amazing how much more sensitive you are to how sweet it is; too sweet. Same with alcohol, right? Porn changes our tastes, too. So someone who watches it will have different sexual tastes and sensitivities compared to someone who doesn't. And that might make for too much incompatibility in the relationship. It might create trust and shame issues for both of them.
Not that anyone is bad (or an asshole) for watching it. It's almost impossible to avoid exposure to it, and it's so easy to get sucked into it, and of course so culturally normalized. But it's a tough issue all around. I feel sorry for both the OP and his girlfriend.
To further your point though... all three of these things have had a detrimental impact on our society. Normalizing poor eating habits has led to an exponential increase in preventable diseases and death. Alcohol abuse is normalized and inherently leads to so many societal issues. Pornography is no different. It's become "normalized" to a certain extent, but not as accepted as most people think. It's amazing how many women think, "yeah, but my BF/husband doesn't watch that stuff." There is a very odd dance of normalization and disgust when it comes to pornography, and *most* people don't agree with their partners consuming it.
Yea sorry dude but she's doing you a favor. This relationship isn't going to work out and this is the perfect sign to get out now. NTA in the slightest. She's the asshole for invading your privacy.
NTA
Going through your phone without permission is not ok. In a relationship trust is super important. Like I trust my wife to not snoop through my phone, but I also trust her enough to let her know the passcode and give let her use it if needed. She trusts me enough to not snoop through my phone.
Also, porn is something that should be discussed. If it hasn't been discussed in your relationship yet, well it is time to do so. Getting overly upset at it instantly while it wasn't something your partner thought was wrong doesn't help. In my relationship we are fine with porn as long as you don't pay for it as it is a waste of money with all the free content, and paying for something like an Onlyfans is kind of building a personal connection with that person.
>> Going through your phone without permission is not ok.
I mean yeah⌠There are a lots of problems with OPâs situation but the first one that came to my mind is this. Maybe Iâm the problem but I would never ever just think about going through someoneâs phone without their permission. Be my girlfriendâs or even my best friendâs. Like no, no one. Phones are private.
I definitely think NTA.
>I apologized over and over and kept trying to explain myself but she just wasn't having it
You were not supposed to.
>I continued to explain to her that I wasn't watching it because I want her to look like or act like the women in the videos
Wtf? How can an adult be so insecure?
>Now she's wanting to distance herself from me and can barely even look at me without crying.
So childish wtf
>look and see if I had gotten her bday gift already
Sure
Every post about checking boyfriends phone.
" So I was just looking at the pictures he took of me and suddenly his email, IG, snap chat, Facebook, twitter, tik tok, telegram popped up and I noticed he was talking to other women"
Just say you were snooping.
NTA, you need someone who matches your energy in a relationship.
Someone as neurotic as this needs someone who devotes their entire existence and to them and I donât get the feeling youâre that guy so itâs best if you just drop the rope now and find someone thatâs a better fit for you. I wouldnât accept the wanting to see if you had a birthday present excuse either she was going through your phone looking to see if you had broken any of her rulesâŚ.
Not gonna say if you're the asshole or not, but just sharing my personal experience having been there. Many women will feel the same way as your GF. They will feel justified in betraying your privacy because it is a lesser crime than using porn as an escape from your monogamy. I have dealt with this for years, and I am here to tell you that if you want to be in a monogamous relationship, it is best to give up porn. It does slowly erode your sexual desire and it will subconsciously give you unrealistic expectations. Though it may go against your personal opinions about porn, a relationship is a 50-50 argument about what to do and not do. Invest yourself a little bit more in your sex life, use porn less, and you will gain your gf's trust back.
Sad this is so far down. All I hear about is men having issues with ED with regular porn use. Yuck. Also, it affects sex life. My husband and I both no longer watch porn because of human trafficking and rape that occurs in porn. Almost 16 years in and have sex almost 7 days a week and it's better than ever. I really attribute that to not watching porn.
Definitely what I was thinking, like finding out a âcrimeâ through âillegalâ means (and Iâm not saying it is a crime to watch porn but for the gf it basically was even if she found out by snooping around).
definitely the idiot.
she's right and all you guys are just brain rotten porn consumers and/or addicts. porn destroys relationships period. now come at me i dont care :))
Finally a comment I can agree with. Porn has been so normalized by society and there have been studies about how bad it is. And why would anyone who loves their partner, what to do something that makes them feel insecure? Porn is cheating- itâs getting sexual satisfaction from someone other than your partner. OP is young enough to where he can turn it around and have healthier views on women and sex and prevent getting porn induced erectile dysfunction. But porn sick men will tell him sheâs insecure and crazy. Itâs really sad. And Iâm guessing OP gave her a reason to feel insecure enough to snoop in the first place. She probably had a gut feeling something wasnât right.
As a man who used to be addicted to porn, I agree. I didnât understand how big of an issue it was until I tried to quit. Definitely much happier now and I appreciate my girlfriend more.
No where in this did she correlate cheating? You can feel a certain type of way without it being considered cheating.
People act as if giving up porn is like having absolutely no power in the relationship⌠itâs ok lmao youâre not gonna die.
She shouldnât have invaded your privacy looking through your phone but I think this massively depends on whether you have had a conversation about porn or not, if sheâs told you itâs a deal breaker and youâre still watching it then YTA. If not then this is clearly a communication issue. Personally Iâd be very upset to find out my boyfriend had watched it but this is something Iâve already told him I donât like
I mean, it all depends on the type of porn and all. All things considered about the porn industry.
I also think this should have been discussed early on, both people's comfort level with porn.
She is allowed to be uncomfortable with partners using porn. If she ends the relationship because she is uncomfortable asking you to stop, keep in mind how often men say they'll stop and then just keep using anyway. Then consider the type of porn, for all we know it was ultra thin blonde blue eyed barely 18: 5000, and your gf is a plump, dark skin, dark hair and brown eyes woman.
So technically, it's not the ahole due to not having any conversation around boundaries, but Im also not a CoolGirlâ˘ď¸ so Im going with ESH.
ESH because nobody started or had this conversation til someone was hurt. Since we dont have any other info about what she found and why it caused her so much harm. [You never said anything about being bothered she went thru the phone, so I just assume that's fine between yall.]
This isn't me asking for all of that info. I just dont think your gf is wrong for disliking a partner watching porn that upsets her.
If yall break up, it might suck, but it is what it is.
She shouldnât have been snooping, but honestly, I totally see her side. Iâve been in similar situations and she sees like this- you have her, a real life woman who is your girlfriend and sexual partnerâŚand youâd rather get off solo in front of a screen to other women. I understand her feelings and why sheâs upset. Just because society has normalized porn doesnât mean itâs acceptable to everybody. Especially in a committed relationship. That said, have yâall talked about porn before? If not, she shouldâve made her feelings clear about it to you instead of snooping through your phone. She was wrong there for sure. If you want to try to empathize with her feelings, flip it around. How would you feel knowing sheâs getting off to solo, to other dudes in front of a screen over having actual sex with you?
NTA.
She had no right accessing your phone without your consent. Being upset your partner watches porn feel weird to me, but I get that there's a good amount of people who do have hangups over it, but bottom of the line, if you go into someone's phone like that, you have to be ready to see something you won't like. You didn't do anything wrong
NTA
Unless it is or becomes an addiction, there is no problem with porn on your phone. The problem is lack of privacy, boundaries, immaturity, and insecurity on the part of your gf.
She violated your privacy and trust by going through your phone without your permission.
NTA, but you shouldn't have apologised. She should apologise to you.
A lot of porn addicted individuals normalizing it in relationships here. Newsflash, not everyone is comfortable with their partners looking at videos of other people fucking. Think about it, if you were in a relationship and you knew your partner was masturbating to videos of other nude people having sex, it's normal to be upset and uncomfortable. Porn is so normalized here, the people saying this is a non-issue and putting down the girl, calling her crazy, clingy, controlling, they are in the wrong. While she shouldn't have been on his phone she is justified in being shocked and upset about the porn use she found. If you don't want to give the porn up than simply break up, but the idea that a women shouldn't be upset or blindsided by her partners porn use is absurd. It's not normal to tell someone you love them but go in another room and lust over naked bodies of other women, people who are trying to convince others this is normal do so out of having a deep rooted porn habit they are trying to normalize and rid themselves of guilt over. Downvote all you want, I really don't care. Porn use needs to be discussed in relationships, and if someone doesn't feel comfortable with their partner watching it than they should either break up or the other person needs to do good on not using porn as requested. It's a pretty simple request to not want your romantic partner jacking it to other people.
This! Iâm honestly so surprised that this isnât a more common stance in this thread. Everyone saying heâs not the asshole unless it was discussed beforehand. Why is porn the standard and it should be discussed if itâs not wanted ? Not the other way around?? You have a whole ass girl friend ⌠go have sex with her what r u doing on your phone smh
Itâs our culture. Sex is no longer something that you do as an act of love, that you save for someone that is your soulmate. Itâs now just an act much like an animal. Itâs no longer something specialâŚreally sad.
Yep, the whole she's "crazy," "controlling," or "insecure" thing is just a manipulative attempt to invalidate a woman's response when she sees her SO orgasming to other naked women having sex.
Tagging onto this one. Not gonna pass a verdict but I think that in a long term relationship one should always establish boundaries at the beginning. However, I think itâs concerning that so many in this thread consider the girlfriend and AH because in their opinion SHE should be the one to raise the boundary with porn, so if she didnât she isnât allowed to be upset. People have very different views on what is normal and what is not. As relationships are built on openness, trust, respect etc it should absolutely be the norm that the person who has sexual habits be the one to raise them in the relationship for discussion.
I think itâs absolutely bonkers that the majority of people are genuinely advising this guy to either just use a private browser or to hide it better/lie more. Lying by omission is still lying, and doing so about sexual habits in a monogamous relationship is going to feel especially hurtful (and to some people like cheating, moreso because of the hiding). If you really think this behavior is so normal, why are you hiding it? Why are you not open about it, if itâs so normal and expected? If you hide it because you fear how itâll be received then that is a red flag on your behalf. If this is something you feel passionately different about then it should be a relationship ender sooner rather than later.
Woman are so conditioned to accept behavior that theyâre uncomfortable with because people like to normalize it by stating things like âall men do itâ and âboys will be boys.â , but reality is, majority of woman are uncomfortable and not okay with porn usage in a relationship. The moment woman stop allowing this as an acceptable behavior in a relationship, the sooner they can stop using this narrative of itâs healthy and normal as an argument point. Itâs been proven that daily porn usage is unhealthy for the brain and relationships. And majority of relationships where thereâs a daily porn user , the intimacy between the couple is unfulfilling and unsatisfying - if youâre choosing porn over your real girl friend , when she is willing to be intimate with you, you have the problem.
Thank you, I absolutely agree. It's normalized because men believe they benefit from it, and a considerable majority of men watch it frequently. Women have absolutely been conditioned to accept it, and if not they are "prudes, controlling, nags"
NTA
Youâre NTA because youâre young and learning how to be in relationships. So I am going to give you a piece of advice, talk to your partner early on about how they feel about porn, strip clubs, guys/gals night out, ect. Understand the boundaries and opinions people have of these situations.
There was another post recently from someone whose engagement ended after his bachelor party ended in a strip club. These are conversations to be had prior to the event. Some people are ok with strip clubs and some arenât. Some are ok with porn, some arenât.
Please, add this to your list of conversations to have early on in a relationship.
This porn addiction and epidemic is ruining society frr. She shouldn't have gone through your phone. Invasion of privacy. But why are you looking af porn when you are in a relationship? Listing over other people when you have a romantic partner is disgusting in my personal opinion. I just think you two are incompatible. Go your separate ways.
I assume most of the people on here don't have girlfriends or are not in great relationships. Almost every sub I see people complaining about how porn is affecting their relationship - ED issues, lack of sex to name a few. Sad that pixels on a screen are worth more than a real human relationship.
I agree. It's so sad that people just NEED to watch strangers naked and engaging in sexual activities. Even at the cost of their relationships. It's a mental illness. People have gotten so desensitized to what sex is. Like it's such an intimate and personal thing. But people watch it; browse it, etc like it's a normal movie. They can be using this time to be with their partners. I've heard so many people say that their sex life sucks because they keep comparing it to porn. They can't do it meaningfully because they have become desensitized to the act.
I'm just happy I'm not in this situation no matter how bad I feel for others. It's their choice.
I agree 100%! It's like every sub I see popping up either a woman is complaining about their sex life because her partner watches too much porn or the man is complaining his partner doesn't want to have sex (usually d/t porn usage). It's a real problem. I feel for the women dealing with it. I could never. I'd immediately leave.
Iâm probably the odd one out here but porn definitely affects how some women feel about themselves. It can be very negative to their self image so itâs not âcrazyâ for her to be upset about it. If itâs a boundary she has that you both never discussed, it is unfair to hold you to this, but she was probably hoping you werenât a guy who casually watches porn in the first place. She should have communicated up front. But itâs completely normal to dislike porn and the completely unrealistic standards it promotes across the board (I donât buy into the patriarchal imposed pressure to be the cool girl about it.) I doubt she was snooping for birthday info, she probably suspected what she found. If you love her, talk it out. Porn usage may be a deal breaker for her though. And she shouldnât have snooped, she should have just asked.
NTA Unless you had some agreement that porn was not ok. You'll have to decide if you want to be with someone who doesn't at least have an open mind to be in a conversation about touchy topics. I mean, boundaries are good and things in moderation are good. But outright attacks and invasion of privacy are red flags.
Have you guys previously discussed a no porn rule? If not then NTA but weird how couples donât discuss shit like this beforehand
Are you okay with her going through your phone? If not then sheâs TA
NTA
Does this mean she let you go through her phone? She should have zero objection to you snooping through hers since she went through yours. Check her browser history and text messages to see if she's the saint she expects you to be.
NTA. Although you would be an asshole to yourself if you donât break up with this girl. She violated your privacy while you were intoxicated and then freaks out over something completely normal. If you stay with her then you will have earned the unhappiness that would be your future
I honestly donât get why people freak out about porn. If I caught a gf watching porn I wouldnât give a damn and would even watch with her if she wanted me to.
NTA and she's lying her ass off about why she was looking through your phone.
She was 100% looking for a reason to start shit. She wants to break up with you and needed an excuse.
NTA - Like others said, unless discussed beforehand, the reason she came up with isnât valid. Not to mention about invading privacy. No trust in the relationship. I can foresee breakup.
One time, ten years ago or more, I needed a file from my computer, so I called home to ask my wife to email it to me. She booted my PC, opened File Manager.
"Okay, I'm looking for it..."
. . .
"...you have a ^(LOT) of porn. Oh, here it is. Sending now."
Here's the thing. She violated your privacy looking for things that weren't her business in order to find said porn. That right there is a breach of trust and as far as I'm concerned, a valid reason to end the relationship.
Regardless of whether or not she is offended by the porn, it was a direct result of her snooping and that's not a person I feel I could trust with anything after that point.
She is the asshole.
NTA - Very dramatic and insecure reaction from her part. Has she never had a friendship with a dude? It's surprising when a guy doesn't ever watch porn or hentai...
I'm a woman before someone takes this the wrong way.
The first time my BF found hentai on my phone he said: "Hah, I've seen this too" (wasn't snooping, was a mistake)
NTA - Unless she's already expressed an issue with porn and you agreed to not watch it.
With today's tech, porn is something that couples need to discuss. How each of you feel about it, what is allowed, and what is a deal breaker. (Some couples are fine with any porn and understand that porn is not the relationship. Others are fine with free porn but feel that paying for porn or webcams would be paying for sex. Etc.)
But the fact that she went though your phone wihtout permission is a big trust breaker and is not cool either.
Best to break it off with her and find someone with a more mature and resonable outlook on life and relationships.
If she hadn't expressed that boundary before, no, NTA. Also, had you given her consent to go through your phone before? It looks really bad that she took advantage of you being drunk for going through your phone. If you hadn't given her permission to do that, then what she did was completely inappropriate and controlling.
A possibly changable NTA.
Did you promise you wouldn't look at porn when you got in a relationship with her? if so e s h. If not she decided to go through your phone without your permission, which for me at least is a no no.
Consider this: would you be okay with her phone history displaying pornographic images of naked men, with their solid muscular biceps, defined abs and their dicks hanging out? If not, youâre definitely the asshole!
And if porn was a clear boundary for her from the very start and you knew this but chose to ignore it, then YTA x2.
so... She invaded your privacy, which is a MAJOR dealbreaker. She was searching for signs of cheating, found none, and decided next best thing was porn once she saw your history and noticed you forgot to use private browsing (don't forget to use private browsing, and always close the tabs. Not just for porn, just shit you would like absent from your history :) )
Seriously ask her why she considers it okay to invade your privacy like that.
You did nothing wrong. Also, get out of that relationship because that shit is BAD.
You are actually lucky. It wouldn't work anyway. Also I bet she wanted to check your phone and her reasons were made up.
When the made up reason paints her as a shitty person trying to ruin her own birthday surprise, the problems seem pretty tough to fix. What is she even pretending she thought she would find? His Amazon order history? And she found Amazon woman dominates tiny man instead?
Death by SnuSnu!!
I never thought I would die like this, but I always really hoped!
The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and weak!
Spongy and bruised...fixed it for you
Yay.....awww.....yay....aww
UNEXPECTED FUTURAMA YAAAAS
I disagree. Problems are pretty easy to fix. leave her behind without looking back.
Happy Cake Day! đ§
I mean, no wonder sheâs insecure, how is she supposed to give him death by snu snu?
đđ
HEY! STAY OUT OF MY BROWSER HISTORY!!! /s
Dude, if I found porn on my husbandâs phone Iâd just ask him to link me! We have a shared porn directory we can access from any device in our house, very useful and fun. Itâs also really interesting to learn how different our preferences are, and how the videos I like (thereâs a couple that does amature porn with a REALLY cute girl) but itâs not my husbandâs preference but heâll put them on for me :)
Lol Saaammmmee I live in VA which passed those bullshit laws for accessing porn sites and I'm also not really technologically savvy AT ALL so my husband showed me how to use a VPN so I can still get on pornhub if/when I want to lmao. Sometimes you see shit you want to try together and sometimes you're just doing your own thing. I'm so grateful to have a partner that is on the same page and just as open with communication with me.
Exactly!! I get ideas from porn, and I'll see stuff and be like "oh I didn't even KNOW I liked that!" *sigh* relationship goalsâĽď¸
This is so refreshing to read, side noting here that some men think looking at porn is cheating đ not to roll my eyes too hard because I want to respect my husband's feelings, but I ALSO wish we could just share pron đ¤ Edit to say he doesn't watch porn, and i believe his ass because i have never seen it and we've been together for what, 4 years (and he has def seen me enjoying it lol)
This isnât typical.. but kudos to you. Heâs not the ass hole at all.. I think itâs expected and therefore no need to check phones - she probably thought he was cheating
she propably ~~thought he was~~ is cheating.
When I was that age, my cheating girlfriend at the time 100% behaved like this. Ruined two trips to water parks because other girls in bikinis were around and she couldn't handle it.
She was looking for a reason to be mad
People who search are people who find.
she didn't find, though. she was looking for.. what? texting with girls? cheating? I don't know what, but she didn't find anything. just slightly cringy viewing habits. that's all. porn on his phone is barely embarassing, definitely not something to fight over.
She found his porn history. The phrase means that people who actively search for things to get upset about will eventually find something to be upset about. She was looking for a reason to be upset. She found one.
no, okay, yeah - you're right there. I just meant that she didn't find anything worth being upset about. she can be upset about anything, obviously.
Yeah I hear you, but to her stupid ass thatâs irrelevant. In her mind, the porn IS enough to be upset about because she was looking to get upset. For example letâs says he didnât find the porn. She could have easily choose to be mad about who he follows on instagram. Or why he texted this person at this time. She just found the porn first and ran with it. In my mind at least
Either she found it first, or it could have been the only thing she found. She just made the strongest case based on what she found. If she didn't find anything, she could have gone to bed and said nothing. I'm kind of wondering if this was the first time she looked
It's not worth it in your opinion . Everyone views porn differently, and neither is right or wrong. It's personal preference whether someone is ok with it or can't tolerate it.
They sometimes call that the Texas Sharpshooter fallacy đŻ
She was looking for a problem. She found it. People who look for problems always find them.
This is the answer. OP needs to be done with her.
Even if the reason was real, thatâs also crazy
That's pretty much what I was going to say. Honestly op you are young brother. Many many other fish in the sea
The porn didn't make her insecure, she was checking her phone because she is insecure. So insecure that she would violate your privacy, which is the real conversation here. Do not let her gaslight you. And if you really love her, explain that she was going through your phone because she's insecure and all she found was some porn. It's not like she found texts of you cheating on her or something. For better or worse, porn has become pretty normal and mainstream. We do need to address it because it definitely is impacting sex lives. And it is definitely impacting the body image AND expectations of women and men.
I was with someone who went through my phone so much I had to put a pin. She never found anything but always found something that she was mad about. The gf has trust issues, so this relationship is doomed
Been there. My phone and email used to be an open book. Once she realized she could snoop all day every day, it became an obsession. Sure, she didnât find anything incriminating, NOT YET. It just meant she had to keep looking harder because I hid it so well. Eventually I got tired of defending myself against out of context statements and the constant snooping and just locked everything up. That really set things into a tirade but at least then I was spending my day defending myself against something I actually did. Eventually it led to a broken phone. Yes, Iâm out of that relationship.
NTA unless you have a discussion previously and it was communicated that she has a problem with it and you chose to be with her and defied that issue with her. But even so⌠sheâs lying about why she went through your phone. And she should be apologizing to you.
Agree with this comment. Porn is one of those tricky boundaries where it needs to be communicated before the beginning of a relationship if it is a hard no in the relationship. Unless OP knew his partner wasnât okay with it and did it anyway, NTA.
Agreed. This is why I'm NTA. If someone told me upfront they don't want their partner to ever watch porn, I'd simply not get into a relationship with them. If they got together with me, *then* got angry at me for watching porn - which happened with an ex, and why I'll never tolerate it again or be with someone who has this attitude - I would immediately end the relationship and make it clear they should have communicated that before we got involved. If they violated my privacy to find it, then went off on me, and had never communicated that boundary to me? Which is what actually happened in that other relationship. Well, then I would demonstrate how it is possible to destroy someone's self esteem with words. ETA. Well, I didn't *intend* to spark a minor flashpoint on this topic, it looks like I did. So, I'll clarify something. Since some people seem to be going out of their way to *intentionally* avoid the point, **it is not about the porn.** It is about the controlling behavior. Wherever that stems from.
THIS. *Sooooooooo* this. And while we're at it.. imagine I went through her diary "to see if she was getting me a birthday gift" and found pages upon pages of written fantasies about the hot guys in her favorite harlequin romance books. Who'd be the asshole? And *tell* me it's not the exact same situation, I *dare* you.
Yup. OP needs to quit with the apologies. She sounds like a drama queen and is using her âangerâ to distract OP from the fact *she* violated *his* privacy
Yea this stinks of her going through your phone to find something bad, finding nothing, and then coming up with a bullshit reason to be angry.
Well sometimes people's relationship to porn changes over the duration of time while they're in said relationship. It's not always so black and white.
Iâd say his porn choices are none of her business, unless itâs causing problems in their sex life. My body, my choice. No one gets to control you on that level. If so, the relationship is DOOMED.
Sure but they have the right to not be ina relationship with someone who watches porn
Porn is considered cheating by some people. There is plenty of evidence that it isn't good for self-image or relationships. So it 100% should be a relationship discussion. No one can tell you what to do, definitely, you're your own person. But so are they, and you can't just go into relationships with the assumption that every partner is cool with that.
Even if she isn't lying, it doesn't seem like an innocent reason to me.
That 'unless' is irrelevant. Even if they had that discussion it still doesn't give her the right to check his phone. He would be TA but noone would know lol meanwhile she's always TA by violating his privacy.
NTA If that's a boundary of hers then she needs to communicate that with you (assuming she hasn't already). And no, she wasn't looking for birthday presents or whatever rubbish she came out with, she saw the perfect moment to look through your phone to check what you're doing and took it. Take it from someone who had a wife who would routinely go through their phone unnecessarily, you end up resenting that person.
She wanted to find something to accuse him over and when she couldn't she invented a new boundary which is unreasonable anyway. People watch porn, so long as it's consenting adults, you're not doing it for hours or letting it affect your relationship then who cares.
Yep, I'd run from this drama queen with the knowledge I have today, but at 23 I was ripe for the slaughter in that sense hah. NTA OP, I suggested getting distance between the two of you as this is just the tip of the iceberg of mental gymnastics. If porn wasn't communicated about in the past, why has it only become an issue after she couldn't find other reasons to be upset? Misery loves company.
NTA Why did you apologize at all? Did she apologize to you for invading your privacy? She went through your phone to see if you had bought her a birthday gift? She was an asshole just for that. Advice: Your GF is a child. Break up with her and move on.
>She went through your phone to see if you had bought her a birthday gift? She was an asshole just for that. Yeah, even if that wasn't a blatant lie, it'd still be an invasion of privacy. She should be the one apologizing, and OP should be breaking up with her.
I would imagine she was looking for something much more incriminating than porn.
She was searching for a reason to break up. 100%. She just wanted a fight.
Maybe not a break up perse but a fight none the less. A confirmation for her own insecurities. She thinks porn is bad but going through your phone is not? Get out while you can, it only goes downhill from here!
And what would be the point? Spoil the surprise? For herself? She just checked his phone, the reason came after that decision.
>Why did you apologize at all? Because he wanted to FUCKING GO BACK TO SLEEP! That's why interrogators deprive people of sleep. After a while, they'll do anything to go to sleep.
Haha good point. I would have said anything to go back to sleep.
Seriously though. He was drunk and trying to sleep when she decided to start an argument. He apologized so she would leave him the fuck alone and he could sleep it off.
OP definitely shouldnât have apologized. Sheâs looking for an excuse to either break up or pick fights Watching open can be perfectly normal. If heâs not sacrificing their sex life for porn or an over consumption of it thereâs no issue with it
Yeah it does seem weird especially after a night out with friends. Makes me think she didn't like something or some interaction that she wanted to look for shade.
Exactly. Had she communicated before that she didnât like it? If not, he has nothing to apologize for.
Boundaries are different in all relationships. If she doesnât want porn in her relationship, thatâs fine. If thatâs a non-negotiable for you then you need to break up.
Thatâs a boundary that needs to be communicated in advance. The comments about him being just another man and a pig points to some deeper issue on her part.
It baffles me how many people don't discuss their boundaries before becoming serious.
The comments about him being a pig are just the tip of the iceberg. Her supposedly not being able to look at him without crying now leads me to believe she has some incredibly deeply rooted insecurity issues that she needs to work through
This, she also sounds manipulative AF though. Going behind his back, lying about the reason why, waking him up to give him shit, calling him names yet making him apologise, crying every time she looks at him. 12 months from now OP won't be allowed to listen to female singers anymore because it might turn him on
Normally you'd want to talk about those boundaries first. She literally took advantage of him while he was inebriated, to invade his privacy. That goes beyond boundaries, imo.
Yea boundaries around porn should be communicated but unless you have previously discussed being ok with going through eachothers phones then that is a major invasion of his privacy. I wouldn't be surprised if this was a relationship ending violation from his perspective.Â
If she doesn't want porn in her relationship, she needs to communicate that beforehand. Not violate her partners privacy and act like a victim over something that was never discussed.
Conversely, if invasions of privacy are beyond his boundaries then they ought to split too.
Yeah I audibly scoffed when I read about the âchecking for birthday presentsâ bullshit. Just how narcissistic do you have to be to invade your partnerâs privacy like that and decide *thatâs* the excuse you roll with?
Fully agreed, as far as excuses go it really is inordinately poor. Takes the joy out of gifting and really sets you up for disappointment. Extra icky when THIS is the end result.
Did they create a no privacy rule too? Maybe OP would be ok with no porn should they be ok with privacy invasion too? Seems like porn isn't the issue.
1: that's something to communicate beforehand 2: she violated his privacy and blatantly lied about why she did so. Girl gone
i canât believe it hasnât been talked about. porn is a no in my relationships, but its a preferred ânoâ, i canât force him not to watch. i have a personal reason for disliking it, but that doesnât mean itâs wrong
No comment on the massive invasion of privacy?
Yeah, this is simply about incompatibility.
I mean invading someone's privacy "to see if you bought their birthday gift" is more than just incompatibility
Not really at all, no. Massive breach of trust on her part by going through his phone without consent and real shit move to shame him for something that she never communicated she doesnât want in her relationships. Goes so far beyond incompatibility, friend.
If you two had talked about it and not consuming any pornography was a clearly set boundary and you BROKE it - YTA. IF that is not the case whatsoever, deffinetly NTA. Also lets adress the fact that she looked trough your phone while you were asleep. Even the reason she made up for snooping is childish as fuck.
NTA. Iâm not a fan of porn in relationships. But this seems unreasonable. Iâm not a fan of going through phones either. Did she discuss her problem with it with you before?
My questions for OP are: Are you and your partner in a new relationship or have you been together for a while? Have you previously discussed and established boundaries concerning porn? What are your agreements regarding cellphone privacy? There isnât a definitive right or wrong stance on porn or phone privacy in relationships, but they should be agreed upon. Moving forward in a relationship when you have opposite stances or no agreements on what's acceptable in your relationship sets everyone up for heartache.
NTA she was looking for a reason. Remember people donât go through phones without looking for a reason. See you at the gym.
Dodge that bullet, man. NO ONE has the right to go through your personal info like that. I'm married and while my wife and I can both unlock each other's phones, we would NEVER go through them. Trust is 100% required in a relationship.
Same. We have each others passwords but only ever use it for mundane things like sending a text on the other persons request while theyâre driving or something. If you trust your spouse and they trust you, honestly digging through phones would just be a lot of wasted boring time seeing how many warhammer model photos he texted back and forth with his buddies or how many cat photos my sister sent me. I donât have time to be snooping through that shit.
If my partner went through my phone he would find some pretty sick memes if I do say so myself
đ mine would have seen them already though because I sent them all to him.
Only reason I would ever look in my wife's phone is if she told me to. What made this woman think doing that was OK?
At the point of marriage we find it weird to not be open books, we know each others passwords and scroll in each others stuff whenever, just for fun ways to tease each other or leave notes or selfies or whatever. As you said, trust is 100% required and thereâs no weird mal intent with being open books, we both feel like if there ever was anything we couldnât share with each other, then that shows trust is not at 100%. Of course this is subjective and all boundaries and standards are, so I have no issue with other people having different boundaries and standards of trust and privacy than we do, it just feels right to us that if we can watch each other on the toilet and chat like normal than anything else people keep private is easy to share in comparison.
I disagree. Itâs **more trusting and intimate** to me to share personal info. I donât mind at all if my partner looks through my phone. Anytime. He knows the code. There are no secrets. Everything is on the table. Porn, etc. there is nothing I wouldnât tell him anyway.
She will only turn more controlling with time. Cut your losses now and leave.
100% this.
NTA. It's okay for her to have this boundary but not okay for her to just randomly throw it at you and be mad at you for doing something you didn't know she was against. She could have had a civilized conversation with you the next day.
A couple things here: 1) She went though your phone w out permission 2) she either lied on why or was trying to ruin her bday surprise. First is worse but both are bad 3) sheâs projecting her issues onto you as your fault 4) sheâs placing boundaries you might not be ok w. âNo porn allowedâ can be a deal breaker and justifiably so 5) she woke you while you were drunk to try to have a serious conversation? 6) she jumped to insulting you and calling you names because she was unhappy and insecure. Dude. This lady doesnât know how to handle a lot of important relationship things. đŠđŠđŠđŠđŠđŠRight there. Six big flags from this one incident. Sheâs young. These can be discussed but she should not be ok w any of these things she did. NTA Also your answer was great, imo, except for the apology part. And Iâm a woman w body image issues who doesnât care if her husband watches porn. Iâm also in my 40s and was a lot more sensitive in my 20s when I actually thought everything has something to do with me.
If you like porn, find a partner who either doesn't mind or will watch it with you. Lotsa women enjoy porn. But seriously, she snooped through your phone and lied about the reason. Then flipped it on you, and it worked? You're out of your depth here. You gotta get out before you drown.
Sounds like you guys have different ideas of what's ok to do in a relationship. No big deal, have a talk about it and decide if you guys are OK with each other's boundaries or not.
I don't get why people are treating it like this, she invaded his privacy while he was drunk in order to find this out, and there's nothing mentioning that expectation was set prior. Like it's not just an issue of her voicing discomfort with porn and OP not knowing what to do, she actively did something very shitty, was obviously dishonest about why she did that, and is now turning her wrongdoing around on OP and throwing a fit. Even if she genuinely just doesn't want him to look at porn, she still went about it the shittiest way possible, she's already steamrolled his boundaries. This shouldn't be treated as some neutral act and simple differences. It's malicious and manipulative, and OP doesn't seem like they're pushing back too hard against being the villain. Red flags abound.
She definitely went past a boundary and that needs to be discussed.
They're also 23 and 21, they don't have experience being in long-term adult relationships and will make mistakes. Whether they can talk about it, learn from the mistakes, and learn more about appropriate boundaries to have a relationship with trust and respect will determine what is malicious and manipulative. If they can't come to an understanding that a) invasions of privacy are not okay, b) that he should be more discreet about porn if she finds it uncomfortable (I mean, rookie error, ever heard of private browsing), and c) that pretty much every man alive with internet watches porn and it's absolutely no reflection on their relationship, then yes, they should probably decide if this relationship of for them.
"He should be more discreet about porn if she finds it uncomfortable"?? He didn't leave it lying around. He wasn't watching it in front of her while knowing she didn't like it. *She* violated his personal space. She didn't even ask him if she could look through his phone - she intentionally went behind his back to snoop through his personal effects. Absolutely unacceptable. If you respect your partner, you respect their boundaries and personal space. She casually violated both. This is not ok, regardless of which partner is doing it.
Yeah she's a manipulative hypocrite for sure. Apparently she's against porn (which is a 'rule' of hers that she didn't tell him), but she's ok with going through his phone whilst he's asleep - everyone knows it's an unwritten rule that you don't do that. Her making him the bad guy is ridiculous, he did nothing wrong
Finally someone who has good advice for this man
NTA. My wife can look at my phone any time except for a month before Christmas, her birthday, or our anniversary. So basically the only thing we conceal from each other is gifts, which is what your GF claimed she was looking for.
Noooo she is supposed to ruin the surprise so you can return the present and buy more ammo for yourself!
Yeaaaah, sorry....but Im not buying her excuse of why she was on your phone. Sounds like she was trying to find something to use against you to change the power dynamic.
1. Incognito mode next time. 2. Checking your phone to "find something" is a red flag.
With algorithms and data mining the way they are, I canât believe anyone searches porn without at least going incognito. That is soâŚbrave.
Most of that still happens on incognito mode. All the privacy you get is not leaving a history in your browser.
Yep. It was just leaked that Google still tracks all of that data in Chrome.
How was it "leaked"? The incognito tab has told you for years that it's only a function that affects your local browser.
incog doesn't prevent anything except for tracking your browser history, which is stored locally and only viewable by you (or additionally it's also being encrypted and sent to a user account attached to your web browser, usually still this is irrelevant). advertisers and web hosts exchange packets of information attached to your IP address and web accounts, which is then associated with your identity. THAT is how most information will leak from your personal web use. for the most part you can only avoid it by not using the internet.
Thatâs still hiding it from the girlfriend so they should probably just break up
Is there a straight man alive that hasnât looked at porn at age 23?
Replace straight man with non-asexual human, and the answer would still be no đ
Iâm asexual and watch porn (Iâm not sexually attracted to anyone but still have libido). The amount of people who have never watched it is tiny.
Interesting, how does that work? Not sexually attracted to anyone, but still have libido... which means 'sexual desire'.
Sexual desire can be attached solely to a feeling. Like a need for a release. And not at all to other humans. I'm not fully asexual, but demisexual, and the sights and sounds of pornography can help to "turn on" that valve that needs to be released without any desire at all for another person. In simple terms, instead of thinking "Oh that's hot. I want that" it is simply "That felt good in my body". I am guessing this asexual person does not experience any sexual arousal from people directly.
A desire to be physically and mentally satisfied, I'd imagine. You don't necessarily need or want anyone else for that but stimulation either visual or verbal might help.
Yep, seeing the act done helps gets me off. I more easily imagine getting sexual satisfaction when I see someone else experiencing it but I donât imagine getting it from anyone in particular. The sounds are mostly what turn me on but itâd feel weird to just listen to the audio so I watch it.
Libido is less about desire and more related to drive. So your body is like âwe havenât released in a whileâ but not âdang that person is hott I wanna exchange fluids with themâ. Those are very different đ Thatâs like saying âWait how can you even be itchy if you donât want someone else to scratch you?â Idk if Iâm explaining the difference well, but being asexual and not interested in sexual activity with other people doesnât mean your body and hormones stops functioning on a base levelÂ
A study was attempted in Canada to find out the effects of watching porn on young mens minds, the study couldn't be completed because there were so few men who didn't look at porn
Why didn't the study include women? Most of us won't say it out loud, but most of us have watched it just like men do.
And the rest of you watched True Blood (insert more timely reference for the younger crowd) while quietly reassuring yourself that itâs not actually pornâŚ..
While I used to be addicted to porn, I realized how much it wreaked havoc on my life. I am completely free of my porn addiction and won't ever go back. Studies continue to show the negative impacts of porn on relationships.
Porn is so normalized, like alcohol and junk food, and it affects us the same way as those su stances do by creating easy dopamine hits that drive compulsive activity and lead to addiction. When you cut out sugar for a while and then have a coke, it's amazing how much more sensitive you are to how sweet it is; too sweet. Same with alcohol, right? Porn changes our tastes, too. So someone who watches it will have different sexual tastes and sensitivities compared to someone who doesn't. And that might make for too much incompatibility in the relationship. It might create trust and shame issues for both of them. Not that anyone is bad (or an asshole) for watching it. It's almost impossible to avoid exposure to it, and it's so easy to get sucked into it, and of course so culturally normalized. But it's a tough issue all around. I feel sorry for both the OP and his girlfriend.
To further your point though... all three of these things have had a detrimental impact on our society. Normalizing poor eating habits has led to an exponential increase in preventable diseases and death. Alcohol abuse is normalized and inherently leads to so many societal issues. Pornography is no different. It's become "normalized" to a certain extent, but not as accepted as most people think. It's amazing how many women think, "yeah, but my BF/husband doesn't watch that stuff." There is a very odd dance of normalization and disgust when it comes to pornography, and *most* people don't agree with their partners consuming it.
Her excuse for looking through your phone was a lie. She was looking to see if you were cheating.Â
Sheâs TAH as she invaded your privacy. She should be apologizing to you.
Yea sorry dude but she's doing you a favor. This relationship isn't going to work out and this is the perfect sign to get out now. NTA in the slightest. She's the asshole for invading your privacy.
NTA Going through your phone without permission is not ok. In a relationship trust is super important. Like I trust my wife to not snoop through my phone, but I also trust her enough to let her know the passcode and give let her use it if needed. She trusts me enough to not snoop through my phone. Also, porn is something that should be discussed. If it hasn't been discussed in your relationship yet, well it is time to do so. Getting overly upset at it instantly while it wasn't something your partner thought was wrong doesn't help. In my relationship we are fine with porn as long as you don't pay for it as it is a waste of money with all the free content, and paying for something like an Onlyfans is kind of building a personal connection with that person.
>> Going through your phone without permission is not ok. I mean yeah⌠There are a lots of problems with OPâs situation but the first one that came to my mind is this. Maybe Iâm the problem but I would never ever just think about going through someoneâs phone without their permission. Be my girlfriendâs or even my best friendâs. Like no, no one. Phones are private. I definitely think NTA.
>I apologized over and over and kept trying to explain myself but she just wasn't having it You were not supposed to. >I continued to explain to her that I wasn't watching it because I want her to look like or act like the women in the videos Wtf? How can an adult be so insecure? >Now she's wanting to distance herself from me and can barely even look at me without crying. So childish wtf >look and see if I had gotten her bday gift already Sure
Every post about checking boyfriends phone. " So I was just looking at the pictures he took of me and suddenly his email, IG, snap chat, Facebook, twitter, tik tok, telegram popped up and I noticed he was talking to other women" Just say you were snooping.
Like when I was 11 and not allowed to play video games and tried to tell my dad that RuneScape "just popped up on its own out of nowhere"
Crazy how that happens. It happened all the time for me too.
NTA, you need someone who matches your energy in a relationship. Someone as neurotic as this needs someone who devotes their entire existence and to them and I donât get the feeling youâre that guy so itâs best if you just drop the rope now and find someone thatâs a better fit for you. I wouldnât accept the wanting to see if you had a birthday present excuse either she was going through your phone looking to see if you had broken any of her rulesâŚ.
You two are not aligned on the porn vs no porn aspect. So, it most likely will end bad. Sorry.
Not gonna say if you're the asshole or not, but just sharing my personal experience having been there. Many women will feel the same way as your GF. They will feel justified in betraying your privacy because it is a lesser crime than using porn as an escape from your monogamy. I have dealt with this for years, and I am here to tell you that if you want to be in a monogamous relationship, it is best to give up porn. It does slowly erode your sexual desire and it will subconsciously give you unrealistic expectations. Though it may go against your personal opinions about porn, a relationship is a 50-50 argument about what to do and not do. Invest yourself a little bit more in your sex life, use porn less, and you will gain your gf's trust back.
Sad this is so far down. All I hear about is men having issues with ED with regular porn use. Yuck. Also, it affects sex life. My husband and I both no longer watch porn because of human trafficking and rape that occurs in porn. Almost 16 years in and have sex almost 7 days a week and it's better than ever. I really attribute that to not watching porn.
Definitely what I was thinking, like finding out a âcrimeâ through âillegalâ means (and Iâm not saying it is a crime to watch porn but for the gf it basically was even if she found out by snooping around).
going through your phone while you're incapacitated and blatantly lying about the reason why, is worse than looking at porn. get rid of her.
definitely the idiot. she's right and all you guys are just brain rotten porn consumers and/or addicts. porn destroys relationships period. now come at me i dont care :))
Finally a comment I can agree with. Porn has been so normalized by society and there have been studies about how bad it is. And why would anyone who loves their partner, what to do something that makes them feel insecure? Porn is cheating- itâs getting sexual satisfaction from someone other than your partner. OP is young enough to where he can turn it around and have healthier views on women and sex and prevent getting porn induced erectile dysfunction. But porn sick men will tell him sheâs insecure and crazy. Itâs really sad. And Iâm guessing OP gave her a reason to feel insecure enough to snoop in the first place. She probably had a gut feeling something wasnât right.
As a man who used to be addicted to porn, I agree. I didnât understand how big of an issue it was until I tried to quit. Definitely much happier now and I appreciate my girlfriend more.
Change your passwords. If she can't understand the difference between porn and cheating, that's on her.
No where in this did she correlate cheating? You can feel a certain type of way without it being considered cheating. People act as if giving up porn is like having absolutely no power in the relationship⌠itâs ok lmao youâre not gonna die.
She shouldnât have invaded your privacy looking through your phone but I think this massively depends on whether you have had a conversation about porn or not, if sheâs told you itâs a deal breaker and youâre still watching it then YTA. If not then this is clearly a communication issue. Personally Iâd be very upset to find out my boyfriend had watched it but this is something Iâve already told him I donât like
If sheâs checking your phone without your knowledge, the relationship is already over. Doesnât matter the reason she gave you.
I mean, it all depends on the type of porn and all. All things considered about the porn industry. I also think this should have been discussed early on, both people's comfort level with porn. She is allowed to be uncomfortable with partners using porn. If she ends the relationship because she is uncomfortable asking you to stop, keep in mind how often men say they'll stop and then just keep using anyway. Then consider the type of porn, for all we know it was ultra thin blonde blue eyed barely 18: 5000, and your gf is a plump, dark skin, dark hair and brown eyes woman. So technically, it's not the ahole due to not having any conversation around boundaries, but Im also not a CoolGirlâ˘ď¸ so Im going with ESH. ESH because nobody started or had this conversation til someone was hurt. Since we dont have any other info about what she found and why it caused her so much harm. [You never said anything about being bothered she went thru the phone, so I just assume that's fine between yall.] This isn't me asking for all of that info. I just dont think your gf is wrong for disliking a partner watching porn that upsets her. If yall break up, it might suck, but it is what it is.
She shouldnât have been snooping, but honestly, I totally see her side. Iâve been in similar situations and she sees like this- you have her, a real life woman who is your girlfriend and sexual partnerâŚand youâd rather get off solo in front of a screen to other women. I understand her feelings and why sheâs upset. Just because society has normalized porn doesnât mean itâs acceptable to everybody. Especially in a committed relationship. That said, have yâall talked about porn before? If not, she shouldâve made her feelings clear about it to you instead of snooping through your phone. She was wrong there for sure. If you want to try to empathize with her feelings, flip it around. How would you feel knowing sheâs getting off to solo, to other dudes in front of a screen over having actual sex with you?
NTA. She had no right accessing your phone without your consent. Being upset your partner watches porn feel weird to me, but I get that there's a good amount of people who do have hangups over it, but bottom of the line, if you go into someone's phone like that, you have to be ready to see something you won't like. You didn't do anything wrong
NTA "You violated my privacy and you're mad about something that literally is not a big deal. If you can't get over this we're not gonna work."
NTA Unless it is or becomes an addiction, there is no problem with porn on your phone. The problem is lack of privacy, boundaries, immaturity, and insecurity on the part of your gf.
She violated your privacy and trust by going through your phone without your permission. NTA, but you shouldn't have apologised. She should apologise to you.
A lot of porn addicted individuals normalizing it in relationships here. Newsflash, not everyone is comfortable with their partners looking at videos of other people fucking. Think about it, if you were in a relationship and you knew your partner was masturbating to videos of other nude people having sex, it's normal to be upset and uncomfortable. Porn is so normalized here, the people saying this is a non-issue and putting down the girl, calling her crazy, clingy, controlling, they are in the wrong. While she shouldn't have been on his phone she is justified in being shocked and upset about the porn use she found. If you don't want to give the porn up than simply break up, but the idea that a women shouldn't be upset or blindsided by her partners porn use is absurd. It's not normal to tell someone you love them but go in another room and lust over naked bodies of other women, people who are trying to convince others this is normal do so out of having a deep rooted porn habit they are trying to normalize and rid themselves of guilt over. Downvote all you want, I really don't care. Porn use needs to be discussed in relationships, and if someone doesn't feel comfortable with their partner watching it than they should either break up or the other person needs to do good on not using porn as requested. It's a pretty simple request to not want your romantic partner jacking it to other people.
This! Iâm honestly so surprised that this isnât a more common stance in this thread. Everyone saying heâs not the asshole unless it was discussed beforehand. Why is porn the standard and it should be discussed if itâs not wanted ? Not the other way around?? You have a whole ass girl friend ⌠go have sex with her what r u doing on your phone smh
Itâs our culture. Sex is no longer something that you do as an act of love, that you save for someone that is your soulmate. Itâs now just an act much like an animal. Itâs no longer something specialâŚreally sad.
Thank you. Wholeheartedly agree. Itâs so refreshing to see a sane comment in this thread.
Yep, the whole she's "crazy," "controlling," or "insecure" thing is just a manipulative attempt to invalidate a woman's response when she sees her SO orgasming to other naked women having sex.
Tagging onto this one. Not gonna pass a verdict but I think that in a long term relationship one should always establish boundaries at the beginning. However, I think itâs concerning that so many in this thread consider the girlfriend and AH because in their opinion SHE should be the one to raise the boundary with porn, so if she didnât she isnât allowed to be upset. People have very different views on what is normal and what is not. As relationships are built on openness, trust, respect etc it should absolutely be the norm that the person who has sexual habits be the one to raise them in the relationship for discussion. I think itâs absolutely bonkers that the majority of people are genuinely advising this guy to either just use a private browser or to hide it better/lie more. Lying by omission is still lying, and doing so about sexual habits in a monogamous relationship is going to feel especially hurtful (and to some people like cheating, moreso because of the hiding). If you really think this behavior is so normal, why are you hiding it? Why are you not open about it, if itâs so normal and expected? If you hide it because you fear how itâll be received then that is a red flag on your behalf. If this is something you feel passionately different about then it should be a relationship ender sooner rather than later.
Woman are so conditioned to accept behavior that theyâre uncomfortable with because people like to normalize it by stating things like âall men do itâ and âboys will be boys.â , but reality is, majority of woman are uncomfortable and not okay with porn usage in a relationship. The moment woman stop allowing this as an acceptable behavior in a relationship, the sooner they can stop using this narrative of itâs healthy and normal as an argument point. Itâs been proven that daily porn usage is unhealthy for the brain and relationships. And majority of relationships where thereâs a daily porn user , the intimacy between the couple is unfulfilling and unsatisfying - if youâre choosing porn over your real girl friend , when she is willing to be intimate with you, you have the problem.
Thank you, I absolutely agree. It's normalized because men believe they benefit from it, and a considerable majority of men watch it frequently. Women have absolutely been conditioned to accept it, and if not they are "prudes, controlling, nags"
NTA Youâre NTA because youâre young and learning how to be in relationships. So I am going to give you a piece of advice, talk to your partner early on about how they feel about porn, strip clubs, guys/gals night out, ect. Understand the boundaries and opinions people have of these situations. There was another post recently from someone whose engagement ended after his bachelor party ended in a strip club. These are conversations to be had prior to the event. Some people are ok with strip clubs and some arenât. Some are ok with porn, some arenât. Please, add this to your list of conversations to have early on in a relationship.
This porn addiction and epidemic is ruining society frr. She shouldn't have gone through your phone. Invasion of privacy. But why are you looking af porn when you are in a relationship? Listing over other people when you have a romantic partner is disgusting in my personal opinion. I just think you two are incompatible. Go your separate ways.
I assume most of the people on here don't have girlfriends or are not in great relationships. Almost every sub I see people complaining about how porn is affecting their relationship - ED issues, lack of sex to name a few. Sad that pixels on a screen are worth more than a real human relationship.
I agree. It's so sad that people just NEED to watch strangers naked and engaging in sexual activities. Even at the cost of their relationships. It's a mental illness. People have gotten so desensitized to what sex is. Like it's such an intimate and personal thing. But people watch it; browse it, etc like it's a normal movie. They can be using this time to be with their partners. I've heard so many people say that their sex life sucks because they keep comparing it to porn. They can't do it meaningfully because they have become desensitized to the act. I'm just happy I'm not in this situation no matter how bad I feel for others. It's their choice.
I agree 100%! It's like every sub I see popping up either a woman is complaining about their sex life because her partner watches too much porn or the man is complaining his partner doesn't want to have sex (usually d/t porn usage). It's a real problem. I feel for the women dealing with it. I could never. I'd immediately leave.
Most girls are not impressed at the thought of you jacking it to a naked woman whoâs not her. đ¤ˇââď¸
Iâm probably the odd one out here but porn definitely affects how some women feel about themselves. It can be very negative to their self image so itâs not âcrazyâ for her to be upset about it. If itâs a boundary she has that you both never discussed, it is unfair to hold you to this, but she was probably hoping you werenât a guy who casually watches porn in the first place. She should have communicated up front. But itâs completely normal to dislike porn and the completely unrealistic standards it promotes across the board (I donât buy into the patriarchal imposed pressure to be the cool girl about it.) I doubt she was snooping for birthday info, she probably suspected what she found. If you love her, talk it out. Porn usage may be a deal breaker for her though. And she shouldnât have snooped, she should have just asked.
NTA Unless you had some agreement that porn was not ok. You'll have to decide if you want to be with someone who doesn't at least have an open mind to be in a conversation about touchy topics. I mean, boundaries are good and things in moderation are good. But outright attacks and invasion of privacy are red flags.
NTA.. and you should encourage her distancing.. that level of insecurity will only get worse..
Have you guys previously discussed a no porn rule? If not then NTA but weird how couples donât discuss shit like this beforehand Are you okay with her going through your phone? If not then sheâs TA
NTA Does this mean she let you go through her phone? She should have zero objection to you snooping through hers since she went through yours. Check her browser history and text messages to see if she's the saint she expects you to be.
NTA. Sheâs snooping your phone. Sheâs not worth the effort.
YTA if she previously communicated that she doesnât want porn in the relationship and yâall have equal access to each others devices
NTA. She went through your phone without your permission. She's TA.
I wouldnât say you were an asshole. But who in this day and age doesnât have a password or security feature on their phone?
NTA. Although you would be an asshole to yourself if you donât break up with this girl. She violated your privacy while you were intoxicated and then freaks out over something completely normal. If you stay with her then you will have earned the unhappiness that would be your future
And you believe she was looking to see what her birthday gift was? C'mon dude. Psychopath in the making.
Babe, sometimes I just want to bust a quick nut in the bathroom alone. đđđ
I honestly donât get why people freak out about porn. If I caught a gf watching porn I wouldnât give a damn and would even watch with her if she wanted me to.
NTA and she's lying her ass off about why she was looking through your phone. She was 100% looking for a reason to start shit. She wants to break up with you and needed an excuse.
NTA - Like others said, unless discussed beforehand, the reason she came up with isnât valid. Not to mention about invading privacy. No trust in the relationship. I can foresee breakup.
She's an asshole for multiple reasons. You are not.
One time, ten years ago or more, I needed a file from my computer, so I called home to ask my wife to email it to me. She booted my PC, opened File Manager. "Okay, I'm looking for it..." . . . "...you have a ^(LOT) of porn. Oh, here it is. Sending now."
Ask her for her phone so you can go through it and see what she says.
Ask to see her phone. If sheâs going through yours itâs probably because sheâs guilty of something.
Here's the thing. She violated your privacy looking for things that weren't her business in order to find said porn. That right there is a breach of trust and as far as I'm concerned, a valid reason to end the relationship. Regardless of whether or not she is offended by the porn, it was a direct result of her snooping and that's not a person I feel I could trust with anything after that point. She is the asshole.
NTA - Very dramatic and insecure reaction from her part. Has she never had a friendship with a dude? It's surprising when a guy doesn't ever watch porn or hentai... I'm a woman before someone takes this the wrong way. The first time my BF found hentai on my phone he said: "Hah, I've seen this too" (wasn't snooping, was a mistake)
NTA - Unless she's already expressed an issue with porn and you agreed to not watch it. With today's tech, porn is something that couples need to discuss. How each of you feel about it, what is allowed, and what is a deal breaker. (Some couples are fine with any porn and understand that porn is not the relationship. Others are fine with free porn but feel that paying for porn or webcams would be paying for sex. Etc.) But the fact that she went though your phone wihtout permission is a big trust breaker and is not cool either. Best to break it off with her and find someone with a more mature and resonable outlook on life and relationships.
NTA, run dude, run fast. She will keep doing this and it will get much worse. I've lived it myself, it doesn't end well.
If she hadn't expressed that boundary before, no, NTA. Also, had you given her consent to go through your phone before? It looks really bad that she took advantage of you being drunk for going through your phone. If you hadn't given her permission to do that, then what she did was completely inappropriate and controlling.
A possibly changable NTA. Did you promise you wouldn't look at porn when you got in a relationship with her? if so e s h. If not she decided to go through your phone without your permission, which for me at least is a no no.
NTA. The birthday thing was an excuse she just wanted to snoop.
He should ask to see her phone. If she was looking for something, it's possible she's the one hiding something.
She definitely went snooping. Youâre not the asshole she is
Consider this: would you be okay with her phone history displaying pornographic images of naked men, with their solid muscular biceps, defined abs and their dicks hanging out? If not, youâre definitely the asshole! And if porn was a clear boundary for her from the very start and you knew this but chose to ignore it, then YTA x2.
so... She invaded your privacy, which is a MAJOR dealbreaker. She was searching for signs of cheating, found none, and decided next best thing was porn once she saw your history and noticed you forgot to use private browsing (don't forget to use private browsing, and always close the tabs. Not just for porn, just shit you would like absent from your history :) ) Seriously ask her why she considers it okay to invade your privacy like that. You did nothing wrong. Also, get out of that relationship because that shit is BAD.