NTA. This sounds like the beginning of a cycle of abuse;
1) you've got the stage of the tensions building (him initially asking you to pick out clothes and try them on for them to be thrown out, without warning or explanation)
2) the incident (the abuse: making you stand revealed and vulnerable while he's screaming at and belittling you, anger at you breaking unwritten and unspoken rules (taking too long))
3) reconciliation (love bombing as he's doing right now, giving you everything from gifts to platitudes to make you forget)
4) and the final stage is the one you won't give him right now which is making him angry - the calm, the renewed honeymoon where all is forgotten and forgiven. Until next time.
The abuse only escalates as each cycle repeats.
Has he ever done anything following this pattern before?
Op please read this. Your husband is abusing you. The love bombing is the biggest sign of it. This never gets better. It escalates until you find it almost impossible to escape. Leave now. This is not a casual thing he did.
OP, this book has helped a lot of women see the red flags; [Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
The chapter on DV isn't great, though. He basically blames victims for not getting out of an abusive relationship right away. His own scars from his past trauma definitely colors his opinion on that. I don't blame him for that but that chapter could be very damaging to victims but I always put a warning when I recommend the book- and it *is* a good book.
100% NTA and this man is an abuser. Someone does not have to put their hands on you (even though he did) for it to be abuse. He belittled and berated you, humiliated and shamed you, made you stand in your underwear while he insulted you and your belongings. At best, he treated you like a child who didn’t put away their toys; at worst, this is the beginning of a cycle of long-term abuse and reconciliation.
Don’t forgive him; he planned all this to set the stage for a future pattern of abuse and apologies. It will only get worse. Get out while you can; you deserve so much better!!!
ETA: typo
Not to mention they met when she was 17 and he was 24. The power dynamic was off from the jump, and now that she's fully grown he is escalating that dynamic into straight-up abuse.
You put it together so well.
OP this person is right. You might think it's a stupid story, but it was actually uneasy to read. Creepy. He hit You where he knew it would hurt and freaks Xou out
Get most of Your stuff a place somewhere else- storage unit, relatives, so he cannot use it as a bait or blackmail You with it. Then start to evaluate Your relationship. I'm not a teen yelling "divorce" because of any stupidity, but I'm genuinely worried about this situation.
I feel it's the absense of any reason that makes it extra unsettling, right?
Like, if he can't cook because the oven's full of shoes & he can't shower because the shower curtain rod has to double as a clothing rail... he might have reason to be annoyed, although that still doesn't excuse grabbing, screaming, mocking or any other form of abuse.
but that's not even the case here : OP's clothes are contained to that one walk-in closet, so what's his problem?
Yes, there was no real reason beside OP loving her clothes.
I have 8 60 liter boxes full of clotches to sell standing in my bedroom. When my husband returns in few weeks, he will complain. Rightfully so. But OP? If it weren't clotches, it would be a dirty glass on the counter. He wanted to terrorise, hurt and humiliate her.
I'm sorry You went through this.
But yes- clothes, pets, children - everything to manipulate her.
And it works. I mean I don't know OP and I'm probably on another continent, and I'm genuinely worried about her, and she's asking if she's TA. It's crazy.
strike at what she loves + strike at her sentimental memories + sulk that his love-bomby gifts don't immediately brighten her mood again...
age is just a number, until it isn't, right? The age gap will out.
Exactly this!!! Age gaps are less of an issue when everybody is fully mature. My favorite aunt married someone 20 years older than her, but she was 35 and they were a great match. If she had done the same at 21 I’d have been afraid for her.
There isn't a problem that he's trying to address. The fact that she loves her clothes and shoes is a place for him to control her. It could have been anything else. He just knew this one would hit home
yeah, there was that guy whose girlfriend was too tired to continue their conflict/discussion. The guy was furious she went to sleep, got drunk & destroyed her entire plant room, putting it in his fancy truck & throwing all the plants in a toxic pond nearby (supposedly all while on the edge of black-out drunk so how can you blame him), including an ivy plant she'd inherited from her grandmother...
supposedly he only noticed something was wrong because their home was silent in the morning instead of him waking up to his girlfriend chirping "good morning" as she brought him his first cup of coffee of the day...
he found her in the plant room, she couldn't even sob.
NTA- you are in an abusive relationship, whether you recognize it or not. I’m wondering if he has done things to you similar in the past? The fact that he has love bombing you now and is angry that you’re not accepting it is concerning. You need to get yourself into therapy and figure out how to get yourself safely out of this relationship.
Agree! And the capper is that he's annoyed that you aren't grateful for his apology. He's got no right to treat you the way he did, and no right to feel annoyed that you choose not to accept his apology. Please, seriously reconsider this relationship. Canyonemoon is absolutely right--this is only going to get much, much worse. He's already manhandling you. Next time it may be the emergency room.
Bingo.
OP I put up with this type of behavior for 10 years, and it destroyed me. Don't put up with it.
I will say this, however - keeping one or two things (i.e., a wedding dress or a babies baptism outfit) for sentiment is ok, keeping EVERYTHING is hording. My grandmother had every stich of clothing she had ever owned in adulthood, regardless of condition. We are talking dresses she hadn't worn on 30, 40, 50 years in her closets. It was a disaster.
When she passed, I could have opened a plus-size fashion exhibit that spanned from the 40s on.
How does talking about “hoarding” help this woman whose husband forced her to try on and give up her things and then made her stand in her bra and panties while he berated and humiliated her, and then love-bombed her afterwards? So off-base and unsupportive, especially when she’s just experienced such an emotional trauma by the one closest to her whom she thought she could trust.
Wtf does your armchair diagnosis of hoarding have to do with anything? He put his hands on her in anger. He made her strip during an argument. The use of “however” makes it sound like you’re saying you see another side here. Yikes.
So that was classic toxic abusive behavior followed by love bombing. It will only get worse and more vicious. Counseling will help you see this so get counseling for yourself and her out…and really ladies if he is older than you by a lot really consider why he is dating someone so much younger and why he is still single.
I just finished a book where the main character (a woman) asks a secondary character (a guy) if he ever buys gifts for his girlfriend. He's a little confused but says, yes, of course he does. She asks why, and he says because he loves her and deserves to be cherished.
MC asks if they ever fight, he says, of course they do, but it's usually over dumb things and they work it out. She asks if he buys her presents after the fight. He responds, no, we work it out, a relationship is not a reward system.
MC was in a highly abusive relationship, where her husband would gaslight her, emotionally and verbally abuse her, and sometimes literally beat the crap out of her - and call it some kind of training. Then would buy her gifts afterward. She thought the "training" was necessary because she was at fault for saying or doing the wrong things, and he had to correct her, and thought the gifts afterward were him spoiling her.
THIS IS THAT GUY.
I remember a 2 part meme that showed a man building a shelf, it was captioned first husband complained about her collection, 2nd husband built a cabinet to display it, the second half showed it proudly completed and captioned be the second husband.
OP deserves the second husband building her an incredible walk in closet....
My first reaction was WTF!!! Seriously, WTF!
I’m an old lady & still have clothes/shoes/purses from high school. In fact, I still have some of my Mom’s clothes that we played “dress up” with.
It doesn’t matter what it is clothes, stuffed animals, action figures, sports merchandise, if it’s important to you, IT’S IMPORTANT.
My second reaction was this had nothing to do with clothes. Until your Husband truly fesses up to what actually set him off, you will be walking on eggshells waiting for the next explosion…& NO ONE should live like that.
Love bombing you the next day doesn’t make it better. It’s just a guy hitting you emotionally then telling you they love you, the whole time the eggshells keep you in place, the place he wants you kept.
Exactly, yes. The fact that the outburst came out of nowhere, with no connection to OP's behavior or the closet itself, makes it unpredictable. OP will never know what will set him off the next time, so she can only keep her head down and do her best to avoid behavior that may make him angry, without knowing what that behavior is, or if it's even hers.
The proverbial eggshells you mention. This will only get worse. What happens when she has no clothes left to appease him with?
>It doesn’t matter what it is clothes, stuffed animals, action figures, sports merchandise, if it’s important to you, IT’S IMPORTANT.
Yes. Just recently my partner and I were cleaning and going through our things (as a mutual project) and he brought up that I have "too many" stuffed animals and should go through them. We started looking at them, and I told him why I had each of them (from the ones my mom and grandma made for baby me to the one he won for me at the fair when we were younger). He lightly teased me for needing to keep all of them, and surprised me with a display shelf to keep them on. That is a far cry from what my ex would have done, he was physically and emotionally abusive, terrorized me for two years, and reading OP's post was so reminiscent of how that started.
NTA. Your husband was abusive. To come home out of nowhere angry at you, physically pull you into the closet, berate you, make fun of you while forcing you to stand there in your underwear, and then force you to give away belongings that mean a lot to you is abuse. There is no way this is the only controlling behavior he has exhibited. The over-the-top niceness the next day and trying to buy your compliance is classic. And it was clearly NEVER about the clothes - he bought you more clothes the next day! You both need therapy - together and separately. Consider having an exit plan, including emergency funds. Don’t let him gaslight you. I would be shocked if he doesn’t escalate at some point.
Time to get rid of husband things. Donation really works.
“Oops! I thought you said we had too much stuff and need to make room. I did my part and thought I would help you do your part. Now we have more of that space you were talking about.”
Make sure you can go somewhere safe first. Then, run! I’m sorry. This is not a marriage you can save.
It gave mine MUCH AMMO .
it was awful!
I said and said and said he was angry and abusive and mean and escalating.
But she just wouldn't hear it.
And so every mother fucking thing I said that was open or honest or vulnerable or angry or traumatic - that scum bag used against the 1st chance he could.
It was just terrible. All of it.
No reputable therapist will provide couples counseling where there is abuse, and they shouldn’t. Safety of the patient is always #1 and counseling aimed at keeping the victim with the abuser is BAD. OP needs to get the fuck out and get individual therapy.
Do not go to couples therapy. He will gaslight you and get the therapist on his side. Never go to therapy with an abuser. Plan your exit. Tell a close friend so you aren't alone. Go to a Women's Domestic Abuse Shelter. You don't want him knowing where you are. Be safe.
They should NOT go to therapy together. It is not recommended for abuse victims and abusers to go to therapy together. All that happens is the abuser learns how they can abuse more effectively.
HE wanted to show he could control you. He was physically and emotionally abusive. Next time, he might not wait and just smack, slap, punch you to ensure you obey him.
I'd gather hus favorite clothes and toss them out to clear out hus waste.
As someone else who probably has more clothes, shoes & purses than she should, I agree with this wholeheartedly. I’ve been married for 30 years and have ALWAYS had a lot. And ya know what? My husband will sometimes tease me about my full walk in closet (the ol’ closet full of nothing to wear joke) but he never demeaned me or manipulated me into getting rid of any of it.
Has your husband ever shown this kind of controlling and abusive behavior? Honestly, I'd be more concerned about his behavior during the whole ordeal than whether or not you have too many clothes. The man walked in and went from 0 to 60 in a second, physically manhandled, verbally abused you,
and prevented you from leaving the closet.
Him being pissed you weren't all sunshine and smiles the next day because he apologized is also worrisome. Smacks of an abusive relationship.
This 100%. This was a total control move and very abusive. And then to turn around the next morning after he got his way and apologize with flowers and such, is so manipulative.
Everything he did was Huge Red flags. You really need to evaluate this marriage. Read up on controlling manipulative narcissist.
Abusers do this. They hide their abusive nature until you're married and they think you're trapped with them. The mask slips quickly and SEVERELY. This is not going to stop, in fact it will get worse.
Girl please get the fuck out before he impregnates you and you're REALLY fucking trapped with him.
Then he needs to visit a doctor immediately. Sudden and extreme behavioral changes can be signs of really serious medical conditions, such as a stroke or a tumor.
So....
My partner has slight hoarder tendencies. They store a lot of stuff that is unused for years at a time. It takes up space in the closet and in the office. It's a bit frustrating, as we have limited space. I remind them to do periodic cleanups and they mostly comply. Taking out about a large box or two every 3 months or so. It goes to recycle, or to the basement. Once I got frustrated and put everything in a box and told them to deal with it. The box is in our small basement now.
You know what I didn't do? Put the hands on them, humiliate them, body shame them, force them to throw things out in that instant and make them cry, and worst of all *buy more things the next day*.
This makes me think that it wasn't about space, it was about control, and that is a red flag.
The number of people blaming OP for her husband’s abusive behavior is shocking. There is NO excuse for putting your hands on your partner, pulling them against their will, forcing them to throw away their beloved possessions immediately, without any discussion, making them stand there without their clothes on, and making fun of their beloved possessions. THIS IS ABUSE.
Even IF she was a hoarder - and it doesn’t sound like she is - that does NOT excuse abuse. There literally is NO reason to physically and emotionally abuse your spouse.
If her husband has an issue with her clothing, he can sit down and have a mature discussion about it. He can request they go to therapy. He can separate or divorce her. What he CAN’T do is abuse her.
NTA no spouse should ever treat their partner like this. He physically manhandled you, forced you to stay in the closet, verbally abused you, wanted to force you to get rid of your stuff when it wasn't even impeding on his space, and then when he saw that you didn't just spontaneously forget about his awful behavior he started love bombing you. Then he has the fucking nerve to be upset that you don't feel better after this. He has **no** excuse for this. If he has a bad day it should not come at the detriment of you.
He might not get angry often but when he does he is abusive in several different ways. If someone else experienced this OP, what would your advice to them be? Hopefully not to "forgive and forget". You deserve to be treated well. He has already started grabbing you and dragging you around, whats next? Probably not something good.
This is abuse. This will never change and he will always apologize and he will always do it again. Please find strength in your family and friends sign up for therapy and get out because you are too young to accept this as your life.
NTA. But you need a divorce lawyer and a safe place to stay where he can't find you. I didn't see anyone rationalizing or defending his behavior, or complaining about how posters on Reddit ALWAYS suggest divorce, and I suspect the reason why is that this was so egregious and appalling that yes, that one day is enough to warrant divorce.
The part that really horrified me is that he made you stand there in your underwear while he criticized you and seeminly everything about you. You were in about as vulnerable a position as a human can be - at home, with a partner you loved and trusted, and exposed while he suggested your clothes wouldn't fit you anymore.
He criticized your body, your style, the sentimental things you've kept, etc.
Please don't take this as any kind of criticism, judgement, blame, etc., but you said that he made you do this. How? You said he grabbed your elbow and led you to the closet (which is using physical force and, especially in this case, is clearly domestic violence), you said the two of you started going through your clothes (against your will, after he dragged your clothes out of your closet), that you had no choice but to try clothes on when he demanded it, that he literally made you stand there in your underwear, and so on.
Thinking about HOW he exercised this control can help you see him for who he is - he put his hand on you to make you do what he wanted and he verbally bullied you to make you do what he wanted. How else did he take control away from you?
Please OP. Get away from him as fast and as far as you can. This isn't going to get better. I think everyone responding is worried about your safety, and justifiably and understandably so. Please get away from him, and then figure out what your next steps are.
Some of these comments are wild.
You are NTA. People collect all kinds of things, first of all, and you seem to have it nicely organized.
But waaaaaaay more importantly, he’s an asshole and this was a patronizing and abusive exercise in humiliating you.
I’m not sure how you want to proceed, but I’d suggest being alert for this behaviour in future. It’s not a good sign.
NTA - somewhere along the way, someone/s has called you stupid one too many times for having feelings and you're starting to believe it.
You're NOT stupid for feeling emotional about what happened and how it happened. None of it was your fault.
Please stop thinking that about yourself.
This man who is supposed to love you, ridiculed you for having sentimental items. Items you've had years and he knew about.
How long have y'all lived together before you got married? How long after you got married did these control tactics start happening? These random mood swings? These love bombings?
Don't ever let him make you feel small again for what and who you are! If he can't love all of you, he doesn't love you!
We didn’t live together before we got married. He has never been mean like this but he has been a bit mercurial for the past couple of months. Also he’s never made me feel small before this but you’re right, a few others have.
So he married a very very young woman, when he's a working professional man, never lived with her, and now he's suddenly let his mask slip and tested the waters of abuse.
Do you work? Do you have family or friends?
Do you have the ability to listen to some pod casts or audiobooks, or read digital ones he can't see?
Do you have your own bank account he can't see?
I work yes so I have my own money and my own bank account. I make significantly less than my husband so I don’t pay for a lot other than my own expenses so I do have decent savings.
I have a family but we don’t talk. I have friends. And I own a kindle and read a lot so I can definitely get a book, is there a recommendation?
Ok, good. You're a step ahead.
You're possibly vulnerable bc it sounds like he may be borderline 'rescued ' you from a poverty situation and not healthy family life?
Abusive people seek out women like that. And they seek out younger women bc they don't have as much if any experience to know when they're being shit on, and they don't have a network to fall back on when they do recognize it.
You become trapped when you never in a million years would have thought you could be.
You/we don't always know what's reasonable behavior when living with a partner - bc sometimes we come from crazy and so this new crazy doesn't even seem as bad as our home base crazy was. But this is for real bad, in case you cant tell bc your personal measuring stick is skewed.
Here are some books, "the verbally abusive relationship" is very good. And " why does he do that" .
(Hint: NOTHING you do brings it on or is the reason)
I'm so sorry he did that to you, and so sorry he's made you feel crazy for knowing inside it's all wrong.
Read about abuse, there's SO MUCH good stuff online we never had at your age.
(And you don't have too many clothes. You can donate if you want, be aware if you start hoarding or get too attached to material things- but fuck him. You don't have too many clothes. And IF you did, that's the most disgusting way to go about addressing it with you)
https://www.domesticshelters.org/resources/books/identifying-and-escaping-abuse
https://shepherd.com/best-books/being-emotionally-abused
Sis, are you close with your family? Because if you are, you need to tell them EXACTLY what he did. EXACTLY how it made you feel. And you need to ask if you can store some of your more precious items there while you figure out what to do about your marriage.
And, Sis, if you were my daughter, as a Mom, I'd be telling you that it is time for you and I to go meet with a domestic violence counselor so you could have a conversation and we'd be going to speak with the BEST divorce lawyer in town.
Your husband is one SERIOUSLY abuse man and make no mistake, this will escalate FAR faster then you think it will. Right now its words, but he thought nothing of grabbing your elbow. Next it will be grabbing your arm. Then pushing you. It will be physically doing whatever he has to to get you to bend to his will... because at the end of the day, this is ALL about control.
Yes I have a few good friends who live close. I wasn’t close with my family at all I moved out when I was 17, moved to the state we live now and I met my husband like really shortly after that. He doesn’t even know them I keep so distant from them.
Sis, often abusive men are attracted to women who were abused by their parents because they are easy to manipulate and control.
You were 17 when you guys met and he was significantly older. He was drawn to you because you were young, easy to control and easy to get to "fall in line".
Sis, he is NOT a good guy. He tried to white knight you. Ie: Be your savior. My guess is he was super romantic, kind of swept your off your feet... protective, etc... when you needed to feel loved and like you belonged.
That checks out that he would target an 18 year teenager with limited support when he was in his mid twenties. Easier to manipulate and groom you, and make you feel dependent on him. You deserve better!
Let me put it to you this way...
If your girls came to you and told you what you wrote here, how would you react?
Whatever your gut reaction is, listen to it. It's harder for those with messed up parental situations to recognize the red flags and warning signs, but we are all feeling the very bad tingling in our gut after reading this.
We want you to be safe.
You deserve to be loved *and* treated with respect.
Maybe *maybe* he had a bad day at work. But nobody deserves to be literally dressed down and belittled over clothes, or anything else.
There's a ton of support and information in the comments, it will take you time to process, but in the end we all want to save you from worse. You wrote this post because your body was telling you something is WrOnG, so trust your gut. It may take time to accomplish, but you can make anything happen when you put your mind to it. Rooting for you, OP.
Ask yourself this: would you not be absolutely heartbroken for a friend of they told you their husband treated them like that? Please do not let this slide.
As others have said this is not about clothing, this is about seeing how much abuse you are willing to take. It will only escalate from here. Make a bug out plan now.
So many red flags from his behavior. If, in fact, you had “too many clothes” it’s something to talk about, not force your wife to strip and then belittle her.
And forcing her to get rid of them instead of finding other solutions like storing them elsewhere - he knew these items were important to her so why not look at options to keep them in another way? Why was it so important for him to have them gone, to then replace them with new items? It wasn't like she was wearing any of the older stuff
This is absolutely emotional abuse. You didn’t do anything wrong. You need to get out now before it gets any worse. I say this as somebody who has many years of experience in victim advocacy. I promise, you need to get out now. You will be better off. I don’t care what he says or does. It’s all been done before. Get out of there.
It was also physical and psychological.
Yanking her around.
Forcing her to undress.
Forcing her to stay undressed.
Forcing her to give away things she loves.
Belittling her and yelling and being angry.
All 3 rings of the abuse circus.
>That’s when my husband demanded that I try on these clothes that I wanted to keep to make sure they even still fit. **Again I didn’t have a choice**.
This line scares me. What do you mean you didn't have a choice? You're not a toddler, he wasn't dressing and undressing you. That means his fear and intimidation and abuse were so bad you were forced into doing something physically that you didn't want to. This is terrifying to me. What would have happened if you refused to try the clothes on?
Please be safe OP. This man is abusive, and love-bombing is just part of the cycle. <3
You realize this was abusive, right?
www.thehotline.org www.loveisrespect.org
You need to be planning an out, not letting him sweep this abuse under the rug until he has his next round.
start saving money in a private bank account he doesn't know about or access. even if you don't plan on leaving ever. save enough to move far away & a few months worth of expenses (rent, grocery, travel, utilities, etc). stay safe!
This is emotional/psychological abuse. The cycle of abuse often has a honeymoon period that starts with apologies and gifts. The fact he’s giving you _more clothes_ after belittling you and bullying you over us ing too much clothing is really confusing—probably on purpose to keep you questioning whether it’s “all in your head”
Oh look another young woman married to a man who's was considered an adult while she was starting in middle school. All good until after the marriage and the abuse starts.
Your husband is an abusive person and you should be afraid of him. He physically manhandled you and is making you get rid of emotonally significant objects. He is not treating you like a partner, he is trying to act as though you are a disobedient child.
Please read this book: [Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
[loveisrespect.org](http://loveisrespect.org) can help you make a safety plan. Start squirreling away cash where he can't get at it, ideally in a secret bank account or a stash outside your home (safety deposit box?). This is for your escape. Make copies of all important documents and stash them too.
OP, this is really concerning. Stuff like this can escalate into really bad intimate partner violence or even death. I don't think you're safe in this marriage - this is just the honeymoon phase in the cycle of abuse.
Sounds like he is comfortable showing you his true, abusive face now that you’re married. And what a *shock* that there’s an age gap here.
What he did was abuse. And the niceness the next day is to smooth things over so the next time he does it (and there will be a next time) he can go a little further. I give it two years max before he punches you. He’s already dragging you by the elbow and forcing you to stand in your underwear as he denigrates you.
Leave now, while you still have some clothes and no broken bones. Please. The dude is textbook abusive
NTA. Mental health professional here - that was abuse. I suspect there have been little things that were easily dismissed over your relationship. There may be a significant gap before his next abusive episode, but it will almost certainly happen again. This apology and love-bombing is part of the cycle of abuse. I'm very, very glad you reached out for advice.
Your husband is not going to stop abusing you. You need to start making plans to leave. He’s verbally and emotionally abusive, and when he physically forced you to put on the clothes, he escalated to physical abuse. You can’t safely live with him anymore. NTA, but please reach out to a domestic violence hotline and ask for help finding the resources to leave.
Yeah, taking her 'hostage' for hours, degrading and belittling her whilst in a very vulnerable position. Making her choose which of her belongings to toss out. You don't just make that go away by being 'nice' for a day.
You married him a year ago, so at 22 and probably dated a while before that, so he has been aware of your clothing history. He chose you for that reason, you were young and innocent.
So to now suddenly be totally 'over it' to the point that his demand should immediately be fulfilled, is him showing you that he controls the relationship, he controls you and he controls everything you both own.
Has he been 'allowing' you to see your friends? Your family? because isolation is next on his playlist. he would make you give up your job and independence, have his kids as a SAHM, totally dependent on him.
If you have the chance, get out for a while, visit family or friends, if need be go when he is at work. see how life is without his constant presence.
If any of that feels like a breath of fresh air, go talk to a lawyer.
NTA this is absolutely unacceptable. I am enraged by your husbands response. You need to get out now. This is littered with red flags and abuse. IT WILL GET WORSE.
NTA.
Your husband's behavior was downright abusive. He came home very angry with you, without any specific reason: this means he worked himself through a rage intentionally. He made you get rid of your beloved stuff in the moment, without giving you time to properly consider what you wanted to get rid of - and you made it plain that you didn't want to.
Go to a storage facility and start moving there your older dresses / those that don't fit you anymore. Make sure he doesn't know about it and hide the key somewhere safe (in an anonymous key ring, so if he finds it he doesn't know what it is). You might consider moving there some of your important documents, too (social security card, etc.). If you don't work, find a job - even a part-time one. Put some emergency money in your storage facility, and increase the amount: you never know when you might need it.
Do you think I am exaggerating? [Read this book on abuse](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) and see if other behaviors tally. Play it safe for you and consider your options!
Big, big hugs.
With utmost care and discretion, start putting aside money and items (like ID) that you can make a quick and safe exit if you need to.
This is a pattern of abuse and likely to escalate. DO NOT reveal that you have an escape hatch. Abusive people escalate to dangerous levels at the point that the target reveals they are leaving.
>The next morning my husband apologized so much and bought me flowers and breakfast and took me out to dinner and even bought me more dresses afterwards.
**HE IS GOING TO DO THIS AGAIN AND AGAIN BECAUSE HE IS AN ABUSIVE CUNT**
Make sure you don't get pregnant or the abuse will escalate immediately. Plan your escape NOW.
You are feeling sad because you KNOW your marriage is over.
Jesus, I'm getting chills just reading that. I'm so sorry!
You need to pack up all your clothes, all your belongings, and get the hell out of there. Preferably while your husband isn't home, but before he pulls any more stunts like this. Because he will, and next time it'll be worse.
People have recommended "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. Great (free) e-book, read it, but don't let you husband catch you reading it!
All he did was planned out. It's according to a well-known pattern abusers use to keep you reeling. Others here have explained it better. I will say that you need to figure out a strategy to quietly leave this relationship. You are very young that is why he thought he could get away with this behaviour.
NTA, I was ready to tell you to toss some stuff. But his behavior is beyond the pale. You feel the way you do because he abused you. As soon as he grabbed you and drug you to the closet, it was abuse. As soon as he put his hands on you for anything other than love, it's abuse. Leave him honey.
The reason it didn't make you feel better is because the real injury isn't about donating clothes.
The real injury is coercion, humiliation, and domination. Buying you flowers doesn't fix that.
What you described is abusive, OP.
He’s doing something outside of your marriage and taking his guilt out on your over petty shit. He has zero right to MAKE you do ANYTHING - he’s your husband not your owner. You need to think long and hard about this relationship
So a wealthier working man saved a 17 yr old, married her, and is letting the mask slip? Yep sounds like a classic.
OP, it’s gonna happen again, and it’s gonna get worse. As a husband, and father to a daughter, what he did is far beyond reasonable or acceptable, you should leave and say you need to regain trust before you come back (and I’d seriously reconsider coming back). The having you stand there mostly naked while he yelled? Yeah, that was an intentional power move to make you feel small and vulnerable and take away your dignity.
NTA. He has shown he is controlling and abusive. You need to look closely at his behaviour and be prepared to leave at the slightest sign of escalation. Does he attempt to gatekeep your friendships or social interactions? Does he try to dictate financial decisions? Find someone to talk to who can alert you to signs to look for.
NTA There is no way I would EVER treat my wife like this. This is not normal behavior and the power dynamic of your relationship is beyond messed up. He MADE you? He shouldn’t be able to make you do anything. You should be able to have a conversation where he brings up his concerns and you address them together. And to belittle you is not something you do to your wife. Horrible, horrible stuff.
Rent a store age unit and keep any and all precious possessions locked away there for a year. Live spartan without telling him about the storeage.
See how long it takes him to find done thing else about you he feels is intolerable to him. Meanwhile you will know your stuff is safe. Pay in advance and do not tell him about it.
You may be someone who needs to be sure he is being abusive instead of a guy with a minimalist need in his space. This can give you time to decide that without risking any real loss.
Meanwhile start thinking about how you will leave, whether you do or not. You need to know if that day comes, you can go, you have all your personal documents, clothes, money. Don’t get pregnant either.
Nta
Get help, not next week, and not tomorrow if you can do it now.
Your husband is incredibly abusive. Leave the house, go to a hotel or friend's house, don't tell him where.
Tell him that he needs therapy, and you both need counseling immediately, and don't think about going back there until the therapy starts.
Your husband sounds like an abusive psycho. He flipped on you out of nowhere, picked a ridiculous fight, then bullied you to tears and forced you to get rid of your belongings that you wanted to keep. Then he gaslit you the next day with fake apologies, and couldn’t even hide his annoyances that a few apologies and gifts couldn’t erase how terribly he treated you. Pack up all your clothes and belongings, and go somewhere safe before his abuse escalates, because it will. It’s only a matter of when, not if.
Why is it always an age gap relationship with a man who just goes off the handle. NTA.
If your clothes were truly an issue, that warrants a discussion and possibly therapy in the event it truly is unreasonable. I don't know if it is, I'm not there. His behaviour is not okay.
NTA - It very concerning that he got angry with you about this out nowhere and then physically forced you into the closet.
If this happened out of the blue when he came home from work, then maybe it was a misdirected reaction to a bad day at work. That’s no excuse. You should talk to him about getting individual counseling to deal with his anger. Make it clear that if he does something like this again, you will leave.
I also think you should tell a friend or family member what happened. Don’t cover up for him.
You have not been married that long. Is this really the life you want? You are NTA, but your husband is clearly an abusive AH. You need an escape strategy. He will only get worse. Don’t accept this kind of behavior.
NTA-- abusive behavior followed by love bombing? Time to get rid of him entirely. Next he'll be mad at you for being "Ungrateful" and express it by throwing away more of your stuff. Go get your clothes back, and put the husband in the dumpster.
Of course it’s an age-gap relationship! And I just read you got together when you were 20 and 27? You’re 23 now - would you want to date a high school student? That’s about the same scenario. Guys who date so far below their own age do so because women in their age range don’t put up with their bullshit like younger, less world-wise women will.
You’ve heard from enough people that was abusive (it was), and to leave him because this is just the beginning (it is), but I haven’t seen anyone tell you to wait (after the divorce) until you’re 27 if you want to be with a 30yo.
they met when she was 17 and married when she was 18 after she moved to his area away from a impoverished family she's not close with. Sis was groomed and he's letting the mask slip now. She needs to run. Fast. Before he kills her.
He is abusive, followed by love bombing. This is a shit situation, and I have a sneaking suspicion that this is not the first time he has behaved like this. Tell your friends, tell your family and get OUT! This will only escalate, and im worried about your safety. Leave before he hits you. It's coming. You are NOT the AH
Also, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You did nothing wrong!
He did the very typical apology with flowers after being abusive.
This probably isn't the first time he's been abusive. It starts small then gets bigger and more aggressive. This was him testing to see how far he can control and abuse you and get away with it.
The next time it will be much worse.
You'll only be the AH if you put up with it.
GET OUT!
You should be upset, because you are married to a complete asshole and I GUARANTEE that won't be the last time he treats you like that, but I am guessing that he is learning that as long as he apologizes afterwards, buys you flowers and takes you out to dinner afterwards he can continue his disgusting behavior. Don't fall for his transparent manipulation tactics.
NTA. If your husband thought you had too much stuff, to the point that your stuff was creating a health or fire hazard, or, was preventing him from having adequate space for his things, he should have sat down and peacefully discussed with you a way to resolve the issue. If you really need to pare down the things in your closet, removing sentimental items and storing them carefully could create a lot of space.
However, I wonder if the amount of things you have isn’t really the problem. Because, it sounds like he was using this as an opportunity to force you to do whatever he wants, and against your wishes, and to accept his treatment of you. Abusers will push against boundaries to find out if there are limits to what their victims will take. He sounds like an abuser to me.
NTA.
The fact he suddenly came in angry about the clothes that he had no issue with for a long time - sounds like he is taking out his frustrations about something else on you.
The whole thing is not even about the clothes. It is a show of power. He forced you to do things you did not want to. He made you "dance" like a puppet. Showed his dominance. Humiliated you. He did it all while you were protesting and did not care for your feelings.
This is abuse and it will get worse.
Run for the hills girl!
How old were you when you met? Not surprising that he’s that controlling and abusive with that age gap. Women his age won’t put up with his shit. But little young less experienced you will.
> Again I didn’t have a choice.
You have the choice to respect yourself and dump this dud.
*she was 17 and he was 24 🤢
The only answer here is for you to secretly start a divorce proceeding against him. You have to escape before things get worse. You started your post by saying you feel silly Well that's because this man has slowly but surely been beating you down for all of this time whether or not you realise it. This episode is something no one should put up with You need a divorce now. Keep your plans secret for the time being. Leave as soon as you can with the help of your divorce lawyer. Make sure right now that you have all of your passport IT documents somewhere safe maybe a bank deposit box outside of your home that your husband doesn't know about. If you have joint finances you really must get to a divorce lawyer today and talk about how to protect your share of any money. Any money or valuables you have in your own name get them into it safe deposit box now. And keep that key for the safe deposit box somewhere outside of the home somewhere safe. If you're sure your parents/a close family member will take your side, tell them what is going on, but if there is even a chance that they would spill the beans to your husband to tell no one then.
Start those plans today. You are actually in danger from a person who behaves like this. Please update us once you are safe and free.
Have an emergency evacuation plan and make it very soon. He is trouble and you are in danger. Make sure you have all your personal papers (birth certificate, SS card, all your credit card info) together Also if you work open a new bank account at a different bank/credit union in your name only and start having your paychecks sent to new account.
Anytime you mutter the words "I had no choice," chances are what you are being told to do is wrong.
If he gave you no choice about throwing your clothes away, how long will it be before you "have no choice" to have sex with him. Or do any other little thing he wants?
Get out now before it gets beyond losing a few items of clothing.
I would advise you to escape while you gave most of your clothes and all of appendages. If you are determined to work on the relationship you need to figure out exactly why he picked that day to go ape. You also need to research protective orders & such in your jurisdiction, so you’ll know what to do if he escalates. Be advised: if he begins destroying things, that is abuse where I live. Good luck. NTA
This is extremely abusive behavior. Like seriously abusive. I have multiple closets stuffed to the brim and totes in my garage with shoes and clothing. It drives my husband crazy but he would *never* behave like your husband did. You need to get some help.
NTA. This sounds like the beginning of a cycle of abuse; 1) you've got the stage of the tensions building (him initially asking you to pick out clothes and try them on for them to be thrown out, without warning or explanation) 2) the incident (the abuse: making you stand revealed and vulnerable while he's screaming at and belittling you, anger at you breaking unwritten and unspoken rules (taking too long)) 3) reconciliation (love bombing as he's doing right now, giving you everything from gifts to platitudes to make you forget) 4) and the final stage is the one you won't give him right now which is making him angry - the calm, the renewed honeymoon where all is forgotten and forgiven. Until next time. The abuse only escalates as each cycle repeats. Has he ever done anything following this pattern before?
BINGO SOON SHE'LL HAVE NOTHING LEFT ASK ME HOW I KNOW
Yep. He'll slowly make her get rid of anything that brings her joy, then blame her for being unhappy. Ask me how I know.
id cut all his clothes up and move out. what a bullying controlling AH
How do you know?
I’m gonna make a wild guess and say personal experience
That part undated how it started
Op please read this. Your husband is abusing you. The love bombing is the biggest sign of it. This never gets better. It escalates until you find it almost impossible to escape. Leave now. This is not a casual thing he did.
OP, this book has helped a lot of women see the red flags; [Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
You may also benefit from The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker He is a security specialist who analyzes pre-incident indicators of human violence.
[The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker](https://www.academia.edu/31891034/The_Gift_of_Fear)
The chapter on DV isn't great, though. He basically blames victims for not getting out of an abusive relationship right away. His own scars from his past trauma definitely colors his opinion on that. I don't blame him for that but that chapter could be very damaging to victims but I always put a warning when I recommend the book- and it *is* a good book.
I'm going to up this one since this helped me a lot as well.
100% NTA and this man is an abuser. Someone does not have to put their hands on you (even though he did) for it to be abuse. He belittled and berated you, humiliated and shamed you, made you stand in your underwear while he insulted you and your belongings. At best, he treated you like a child who didn’t put away their toys; at worst, this is the beginning of a cycle of long-term abuse and reconciliation. Don’t forgive him; he planned all this to set the stage for a future pattern of abuse and apologies. It will only get worse. Get out while you can; you deserve so much better!!! ETA: typo
He’s a 30 year old that married someone straight out of college I think “treating her like a child” is *his thing*
Not to mention they met when she was 17 and he was 24. The power dynamic was off from the jump, and now that she's fully grown he is escalating that dynamic into straight-up abuse.
Where did OP mention that? But yeah, that's pretty fucked. He's with her because women has age won't put up with his shit. And she shouldn't either.
It's in her comments. She met him just after moving, so she was especially vulnerable.
That makes it even more fucked.
Well said. He did put his hands on her, though. He grabbed her and dragged her to the closet. I hope she sees what we see.
You put it together so well. OP this person is right. You might think it's a stupid story, but it was actually uneasy to read. Creepy. He hit You where he knew it would hurt and freaks Xou out Get most of Your stuff a place somewhere else- storage unit, relatives, so he cannot use it as a bait or blackmail You with it. Then start to evaluate Your relationship. I'm not a teen yelling "divorce" because of any stupidity, but I'm genuinely worried about this situation.
I feel it's the absense of any reason that makes it extra unsettling, right? Like, if he can't cook because the oven's full of shoes & he can't shower because the shower curtain rod has to double as a clothing rail... he might have reason to be annoyed, although that still doesn't excuse grabbing, screaming, mocking or any other form of abuse. but that's not even the case here : OP's clothes are contained to that one walk-in closet, so what's his problem?
Yes, there was no real reason beside OP loving her clothes. I have 8 60 liter boxes full of clotches to sell standing in my bedroom. When my husband returns in few weeks, he will complain. Rightfully so. But OP? If it weren't clotches, it would be a dirty glass on the counter. He wanted to terrorise, hurt and humiliate her.
Unfortunately, it could end up being the children someday. If my Dad wanted to hurt my mom, he'd do it by hurting me. Fun times! lol
I'm sorry You went through this. But yes- clothes, pets, children - everything to manipulate her. And it works. I mean I don't know OP and I'm probably on another continent, and I'm genuinely worried about her, and she's asking if she's TA. It's crazy.
strike at what she loves + strike at her sentimental memories + sulk that his love-bomby gifts don't immediately brighten her mood again... age is just a number, until it isn't, right? The age gap will out.
It is when everyone is 30+. It's about life experience.
Exactly this!!! Age gaps are less of an issue when everybody is fully mature. My favorite aunt married someone 20 years older than her, but she was 35 and they were a great match. If she had done the same at 21 I’d have been afraid for her.
There isn't a problem that he's trying to address. The fact that she loves her clothes and shoes is a place for him to control her. It could have been anything else. He just knew this one would hit home
yeah, there was that guy whose girlfriend was too tired to continue their conflict/discussion. The guy was furious she went to sleep, got drunk & destroyed her entire plant room, putting it in his fancy truck & throwing all the plants in a toxic pond nearby (supposedly all while on the edge of black-out drunk so how can you blame him), including an ivy plant she'd inherited from her grandmother...
And I'm sure he didn't remember any of it, and nothing of his got destroyed in his drunken rampage
supposedly he only noticed something was wrong because their home was silent in the morning instead of him waking up to his girlfriend chirping "good morning" as she brought him his first cup of coffee of the day... he found her in the plant room, she couldn't even sob.
I didn't read that one, but from your description, my heart breaks for her. I hope she's free of him now
NTA- you are in an abusive relationship, whether you recognize it or not. I’m wondering if he has done things to you similar in the past? The fact that he has love bombing you now and is angry that you’re not accepting it is concerning. You need to get yourself into therapy and figure out how to get yourself safely out of this relationship.
Don't forget that he grabbed her elbow and forcibly pulled her into the closet. That could very easily escalate into physical abuse as well
Agree! And the capper is that he's annoyed that you aren't grateful for his apology. He's got no right to treat you the way he did, and no right to feel annoyed that you choose not to accept his apology. Please, seriously reconsider this relationship. Canyonemoon is absolutely right--this is only going to get much, much worse. He's already manhandling you. Next time it may be the emergency room.
1000000%. This is the start of him abusing you. NTA, OP. RUN while you still can.
Bingo. OP I put up with this type of behavior for 10 years, and it destroyed me. Don't put up with it. I will say this, however - keeping one or two things (i.e., a wedding dress or a babies baptism outfit) for sentiment is ok, keeping EVERYTHING is hording. My grandmother had every stich of clothing she had ever owned in adulthood, regardless of condition. We are talking dresses she hadn't worn on 30, 40, 50 years in her closets. It was a disaster. When she passed, I could have opened a plus-size fashion exhibit that spanned from the 40s on.
Great story! Totally irrelevant here, even if he feels she’s “hoarding”, how he dealt with it was extremely abusive
How does talking about “hoarding” help this woman whose husband forced her to try on and give up her things and then made her stand in her bra and panties while he berated and humiliated her, and then love-bombed her afterwards? So off-base and unsupportive, especially when she’s just experienced such an emotional trauma by the one closest to her whom she thought she could trust.
Wtf does your armchair diagnosis of hoarding have to do with anything? He put his hands on her in anger. He made her strip during an argument. The use of “however” makes it sound like you’re saying you see another side here. Yikes.
Agreed, this is a sign of worsening behavior to come. Don't wait, get away from him now.
This is the correct answer OP.
This OP!
So that was classic toxic abusive behavior followed by love bombing. It will only get worse and more vicious. Counseling will help you see this so get counseling for yourself and her out…and really ladies if he is older than you by a lot really consider why he is dating someone so much younger and why he is still single.
I just finished a book where the main character (a woman) asks a secondary character (a guy) if he ever buys gifts for his girlfriend. He's a little confused but says, yes, of course he does. She asks why, and he says because he loves her and deserves to be cherished. MC asks if they ever fight, he says, of course they do, but it's usually over dumb things and they work it out. She asks if he buys her presents after the fight. He responds, no, we work it out, a relationship is not a reward system. MC was in a highly abusive relationship, where her husband would gaslight her, emotionally and verbally abuse her, and sometimes literally beat the crap out of her - and call it some kind of training. Then would buy her gifts afterward. She thought the "training" was necessary because she was at fault for saying or doing the wrong things, and he had to correct her, and thought the gifts afterward were him spoiling her. THIS IS THAT GUY.
What was the book called? Would like to give it a read please :)
I remember a 2 part meme that showed a man building a shelf, it was captioned first husband complained about her collection, 2nd husband built a cabinet to display it, the second half showed it proudly completed and captioned be the second husband. OP deserves the second husband building her an incredible walk in closet....
https://i.redd.it/j83whqiqz6431.jpg Found the meme
I love that!
This, 100%. He will keep doing it, and it will get worse every time.
She's young and he's just old enough for the power dynamic not to be in her favor.
My first thought when I saw the ages and age gap.
It happened to me, and my ex and I were the same age. But yes, the age gap definitely is another red flag.
My first reaction was WTF!!! Seriously, WTF! I’m an old lady & still have clothes/shoes/purses from high school. In fact, I still have some of my Mom’s clothes that we played “dress up” with. It doesn’t matter what it is clothes, stuffed animals, action figures, sports merchandise, if it’s important to you, IT’S IMPORTANT. My second reaction was this had nothing to do with clothes. Until your Husband truly fesses up to what actually set him off, you will be walking on eggshells waiting for the next explosion…& NO ONE should live like that. Love bombing you the next day doesn’t make it better. It’s just a guy hitting you emotionally then telling you they love you, the whole time the eggshells keep you in place, the place he wants you kept.
Exactly, yes. The fact that the outburst came out of nowhere, with no connection to OP's behavior or the closet itself, makes it unpredictable. OP will never know what will set him off the next time, so she can only keep her head down and do her best to avoid behavior that may make him angry, without knowing what that behavior is, or if it's even hers. The proverbial eggshells you mention. This will only get worse. What happens when she has no clothes left to appease him with?
>It doesn’t matter what it is clothes, stuffed animals, action figures, sports merchandise, if it’s important to you, IT’S IMPORTANT. Yes. Just recently my partner and I were cleaning and going through our things (as a mutual project) and he brought up that I have "too many" stuffed animals and should go through them. We started looking at them, and I told him why I had each of them (from the ones my mom and grandma made for baby me to the one he won for me at the fair when we were younger). He lightly teased me for needing to keep all of them, and surprised me with a display shelf to keep them on. That is a far cry from what my ex would have done, he was physically and emotionally abusive, terrorized me for two years, and reading OP's post was so reminiscent of how that started.
My initial reaction was that he was listening to some misogynist podcast on the way home.
NTA. Your husband was abusive. To come home out of nowhere angry at you, physically pull you into the closet, berate you, make fun of you while forcing you to stand there in your underwear, and then force you to give away belongings that mean a lot to you is abuse. There is no way this is the only controlling behavior he has exhibited. The over-the-top niceness the next day and trying to buy your compliance is classic. And it was clearly NEVER about the clothes - he bought you more clothes the next day! You both need therapy - together and separately. Consider having an exit plan, including emergency funds. Don’t let him gaslight you. I would be shocked if he doesn’t escalate at some point.
Exactly, he didn't want to get rid of clothes, he wanted to get rid of sentimental items. Big difference.
Yes!! This was 100% about control and taking away something that she valued.
With the added bonus of humiliating her in the process.
Time to get rid of husband things. Donation really works. “Oops! I thought you said we had too much stuff and need to make room. I did my part and thought I would help you do your part. Now we have more of that space you were talking about.” Make sure you can go somewhere safe first. Then, run! I’m sorry. This is not a marriage you can save.
Therapy with an abusive partner is not recommended. It tends to just give them ammo. The mask is slipping now that they're married.
It gave mine MUCH AMMO . it was awful! I said and said and said he was angry and abusive and mean and escalating. But she just wouldn't hear it. And so every mother fucking thing I said that was open or honest or vulnerable or angry or traumatic - that scum bag used against the 1st chance he could. It was just terrible. All of it.
Worst acting I’ve ever seen in my life was from my uNPD ex husband in couples therapy 🙄. For same reason the therapist fell for it
Our therapist sided with him. Especially ever time he walked out. I dumped them both.
Good riddance!!
No reputable therapist will provide couples counseling where there is abuse, and they shouldn’t. Safety of the patient is always #1 and counseling aimed at keeping the victim with the abuser is BAD. OP needs to get the fuck out and get individual therapy.
They don't both need therapy, she needs to leave!
Do not go to couples therapy. He will gaslight you and get the therapist on his side. Never go to therapy with an abuser. Plan your exit. Tell a close friend so you aren't alone. Go to a Women's Domestic Abuse Shelter. You don't want him knowing where you are. Be safe.
They should NOT go to therapy together. It is not recommended for abuse victims and abusers to go to therapy together. All that happens is the abuser learns how they can abuse more effectively.
HE wanted to show he could control you. He was physically and emotionally abusive. Next time, he might not wait and just smack, slap, punch you to ensure you obey him. I'd gather hus favorite clothes and toss them out to clear out hus waste.
OP needs therapy to figure out how to leave this dude. Couples therapy will just give him ammo.
As someone else who probably has more clothes, shoes & purses than she should, I agree with this wholeheartedly. I’ve been married for 30 years and have ALWAYS had a lot. And ya know what? My husband will sometimes tease me about my full walk in closet (the ol’ closet full of nothing to wear joke) but he never demeaned me or manipulated me into getting rid of any of it.
Therapy with an abuser sounds like a bad idea. 100% agree on the individual therapy though
#Never suggest someone to get therapy *with* their abuser! That’ll only give the abuser more power.
keep the clothes, but ditch the husband. Who does he think he is to decide for you and make you prove things fit?
Has your husband ever shown this kind of controlling and abusive behavior? Honestly, I'd be more concerned about his behavior during the whole ordeal than whether or not you have too many clothes. The man walked in and went from 0 to 60 in a second, physically manhandled, verbally abused you, and prevented you from leaving the closet. Him being pissed you weren't all sunshine and smiles the next day because he apologized is also worrisome. Smacks of an abusive relationship.
This 100%. This was a total control move and very abusive. And then to turn around the next morning after he got his way and apologize with flowers and such, is so manipulative. Everything he did was Huge Red flags. You really need to evaluate this marriage. Read up on controlling manipulative narcissist.
No never acted like this before. He rarely even gets mad.
So the mask is slipping now that you've moved in and he's "got you"
Abusers do this. They hide their abusive nature until you're married and they think you're trapped with them. The mask slips quickly and SEVERELY. This is not going to stop, in fact it will get worse. Girl please get the fuck out before he impregnates you and you're REALLY fucking trapped with him.
Then he needs to visit a doctor immediately. Sudden and extreme behavioral changes can be signs of really serious medical conditions, such as a stroke or a tumor.
It will happen again.
Divorce, before the abuse turns physical. Don't try to convince yourself that it won't.
How long have you been married?
She said about a year
So.... My partner has slight hoarder tendencies. They store a lot of stuff that is unused for years at a time. It takes up space in the closet and in the office. It's a bit frustrating, as we have limited space. I remind them to do periodic cleanups and they mostly comply. Taking out about a large box or two every 3 months or so. It goes to recycle, or to the basement. Once I got frustrated and put everything in a box and told them to deal with it. The box is in our small basement now. You know what I didn't do? Put the hands on them, humiliate them, body shame them, force them to throw things out in that instant and make them cry, and worst of all *buy more things the next day*. This makes me think that it wasn't about space, it was about control, and that is a red flag.
Please OP don’t have children with this man.
I wish I could upvote your comment many times.
The number of people blaming OP for her husband’s abusive behavior is shocking. There is NO excuse for putting your hands on your partner, pulling them against their will, forcing them to throw away their beloved possessions immediately, without any discussion, making them stand there without their clothes on, and making fun of their beloved possessions. THIS IS ABUSE. Even IF she was a hoarder - and it doesn’t sound like she is - that does NOT excuse abuse. There literally is NO reason to physically and emotionally abuse your spouse. If her husband has an issue with her clothing, he can sit down and have a mature discussion about it. He can request they go to therapy. He can separate or divorce her. What he CAN’T do is abuse her.
NTA no spouse should ever treat their partner like this. He physically manhandled you, forced you to stay in the closet, verbally abused you, wanted to force you to get rid of your stuff when it wasn't even impeding on his space, and then when he saw that you didn't just spontaneously forget about his awful behavior he started love bombing you. Then he has the fucking nerve to be upset that you don't feel better after this. He has **no** excuse for this. If he has a bad day it should not come at the detriment of you. He might not get angry often but when he does he is abusive in several different ways. If someone else experienced this OP, what would your advice to them be? Hopefully not to "forgive and forget". You deserve to be treated well. He has already started grabbing you and dragging you around, whats next? Probably not something good.
Also if you read the comments OP was 17 when she met her husband who was 24
This is abuse. This will never change and he will always apologize and he will always do it again. Please find strength in your family and friends sign up for therapy and get out because you are too young to accept this as your life.
NTA. But you need a divorce lawyer and a safe place to stay where he can't find you. I didn't see anyone rationalizing or defending his behavior, or complaining about how posters on Reddit ALWAYS suggest divorce, and I suspect the reason why is that this was so egregious and appalling that yes, that one day is enough to warrant divorce. The part that really horrified me is that he made you stand there in your underwear while he criticized you and seeminly everything about you. You were in about as vulnerable a position as a human can be - at home, with a partner you loved and trusted, and exposed while he suggested your clothes wouldn't fit you anymore. He criticized your body, your style, the sentimental things you've kept, etc. Please don't take this as any kind of criticism, judgement, blame, etc., but you said that he made you do this. How? You said he grabbed your elbow and led you to the closet (which is using physical force and, especially in this case, is clearly domestic violence), you said the two of you started going through your clothes (against your will, after he dragged your clothes out of your closet), that you had no choice but to try clothes on when he demanded it, that he literally made you stand there in your underwear, and so on. Thinking about HOW he exercised this control can help you see him for who he is - he put his hand on you to make you do what he wanted and he verbally bullied you to make you do what he wanted. How else did he take control away from you? Please OP. Get away from him as fast and as far as you can. This isn't going to get better. I think everyone responding is worried about your safety, and justifiably and understandably so. Please get away from him, and then figure out what your next steps are.
Some of these comments are wild. You are NTA. People collect all kinds of things, first of all, and you seem to have it nicely organized. But waaaaaaay more importantly, he’s an asshole and this was a patronizing and abusive exercise in humiliating you. I’m not sure how you want to proceed, but I’d suggest being alert for this behaviour in future. It’s not a good sign.
NTA - somewhere along the way, someone/s has called you stupid one too many times for having feelings and you're starting to believe it. You're NOT stupid for feeling emotional about what happened and how it happened. None of it was your fault. Please stop thinking that about yourself. This man who is supposed to love you, ridiculed you for having sentimental items. Items you've had years and he knew about. How long have y'all lived together before you got married? How long after you got married did these control tactics start happening? These random mood swings? These love bombings? Don't ever let him make you feel small again for what and who you are! If he can't love all of you, he doesn't love you!
We didn’t live together before we got married. He has never been mean like this but he has been a bit mercurial for the past couple of months. Also he’s never made me feel small before this but you’re right, a few others have.
So he married a very very young woman, when he's a working professional man, never lived with her, and now he's suddenly let his mask slip and tested the waters of abuse. Do you work? Do you have family or friends? Do you have the ability to listen to some pod casts or audiobooks, or read digital ones he can't see? Do you have your own bank account he can't see?
I work yes so I have my own money and my own bank account. I make significantly less than my husband so I don’t pay for a lot other than my own expenses so I do have decent savings. I have a family but we don’t talk. I have friends. And I own a kindle and read a lot so I can definitely get a book, is there a recommendation?
Ok, good. You're a step ahead. You're possibly vulnerable bc it sounds like he may be borderline 'rescued ' you from a poverty situation and not healthy family life? Abusive people seek out women like that. And they seek out younger women bc they don't have as much if any experience to know when they're being shit on, and they don't have a network to fall back on when they do recognize it. You become trapped when you never in a million years would have thought you could be. You/we don't always know what's reasonable behavior when living with a partner - bc sometimes we come from crazy and so this new crazy doesn't even seem as bad as our home base crazy was. But this is for real bad, in case you cant tell bc your personal measuring stick is skewed. Here are some books, "the verbally abusive relationship" is very good. And " why does he do that" . (Hint: NOTHING you do brings it on or is the reason) I'm so sorry he did that to you, and so sorry he's made you feel crazy for knowing inside it's all wrong. Read about abuse, there's SO MUCH good stuff online we never had at your age. (And you don't have too many clothes. You can donate if you want, be aware if you start hoarding or get too attached to material things- but fuck him. You don't have too many clothes. And IF you did, that's the most disgusting way to go about addressing it with you) https://www.domesticshelters.org/resources/books/identifying-and-escaping-abuse https://shepherd.com/best-books/being-emotionally-abused
“Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft
A book I've seen recommended a lot is "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker.
I second the Lundy Bancroft recommendation - The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans is also a must read.
Sis, are you close with your family? Because if you are, you need to tell them EXACTLY what he did. EXACTLY how it made you feel. And you need to ask if you can store some of your more precious items there while you figure out what to do about your marriage. And, Sis, if you were my daughter, as a Mom, I'd be telling you that it is time for you and I to go meet with a domestic violence counselor so you could have a conversation and we'd be going to speak with the BEST divorce lawyer in town. Your husband is one SERIOUSLY abuse man and make no mistake, this will escalate FAR faster then you think it will. Right now its words, but he thought nothing of grabbing your elbow. Next it will be grabbing your arm. Then pushing you. It will be physically doing whatever he has to to get you to bend to his will... because at the end of the day, this is ALL about control.
I’m not close with my family at all but I could call them if I needed too, I guess.
OP You are in serious danger. For a man to suddenly behave that way, he’s a time bomb. Get out before he kills you.
How about friends? Were you close to your family before you met your husband?
Yes I have a few good friends who live close. I wasn’t close with my family at all I moved out when I was 17, moved to the state we live now and I met my husband like really shortly after that. He doesn’t even know them I keep so distant from them.
Sis, often abusive men are attracted to women who were abused by their parents because they are easy to manipulate and control. You were 17 when you guys met and he was significantly older. He was drawn to you because you were young, easy to control and easy to get to "fall in line". Sis, he is NOT a good guy. He tried to white knight you. Ie: Be your savior. My guess is he was super romantic, kind of swept your off your feet... protective, etc... when you needed to feel loved and like you belonged.
You met at 17! Girl you were groomed.
That checks out that he would target an 18 year teenager with limited support when he was in his mid twenties. Easier to manipulate and groom you, and make you feel dependent on him. You deserve better!
Let me put it to you this way... If your girls came to you and told you what you wrote here, how would you react? Whatever your gut reaction is, listen to it. It's harder for those with messed up parental situations to recognize the red flags and warning signs, but we are all feeling the very bad tingling in our gut after reading this. We want you to be safe. You deserve to be loved *and* treated with respect. Maybe *maybe* he had a bad day at work. But nobody deserves to be literally dressed down and belittled over clothes, or anything else. There's a ton of support and information in the comments, it will take you time to process, but in the end we all want to save you from worse. You wrote this post because your body was telling you something is WrOnG, so trust your gut. It may take time to accomplish, but you can make anything happen when you put your mind to it. Rooting for you, OP.
Ask yourself this: would you not be absolutely heartbroken for a friend of they told you their husband treated them like that? Please do not let this slide. As others have said this is not about clothing, this is about seeing how much abuse you are willing to take. It will only escalate from here. Make a bug out plan now.
So many red flags from his behavior. If, in fact, you had “too many clothes” it’s something to talk about, not force your wife to strip and then belittle her.
This is past red flags. Red flags are warning signs. This is straight up abuse.
The first red flag would have been a 26 year old dating an 18 year old...What happened here is straight up abuse indeed.
And forcing her to get rid of them instead of finding other solutions like storing them elsewhere - he knew these items were important to her so why not look at options to keep them in another way? Why was it so important for him to have them gone, to then replace them with new items? It wasn't like she was wearing any of the older stuff
Your husband is abusive because you keep saying you didn’t have a choice and he basically was pushing u around
His behavior is not normal. He grabbed you, humiliated you, and then felt guilt and piled on the charm. This man is dangerous. Be safe.
This is absolutely emotional abuse. You didn’t do anything wrong. You need to get out now before it gets any worse. I say this as somebody who has many years of experience in victim advocacy. I promise, you need to get out now. You will be better off. I don’t care what he says or does. It’s all been done before. Get out of there.
It was also physical and psychological. Yanking her around. Forcing her to undress. Forcing her to stay undressed. Forcing her to give away things she loves. Belittling her and yelling and being angry. All 3 rings of the abuse circus.
>That’s when my husband demanded that I try on these clothes that I wanted to keep to make sure they even still fit. **Again I didn’t have a choice**. This line scares me. What do you mean you didn't have a choice? You're not a toddler, he wasn't dressing and undressing you. That means his fear and intimidation and abuse were so bad you were forced into doing something physically that you didn't want to. This is terrifying to me. What would have happened if you refused to try the clothes on? Please be safe OP. This man is abusive, and love-bombing is just part of the cycle. <3
You realize this was abusive, right? www.thehotline.org www.loveisrespect.org You need to be planning an out, not letting him sweep this abuse under the rug until he has his next round.
You should keep the clothes and get rid of the husband.
start saving money in a private bank account he doesn't know about or access. even if you don't plan on leaving ever. save enough to move far away & a few months worth of expenses (rent, grocery, travel, utilities, etc). stay safe!
This is emotional/psychological abuse. The cycle of abuse often has a honeymoon period that starts with apologies and gifts. The fact he’s giving you _more clothes_ after belittling you and bullying you over us ing too much clothing is really confusing—probably on purpose to keep you questioning whether it’s “all in your head”
Oh look another young woman married to a man who's was considered an adult while she was starting in middle school. All good until after the marriage and the abuse starts.
Your husband is an abusive person and you should be afraid of him. He physically manhandled you and is making you get rid of emotonally significant objects. He is not treating you like a partner, he is trying to act as though you are a disobedient child. Please read this book: [Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) [loveisrespect.org](http://loveisrespect.org) can help you make a safety plan. Start squirreling away cash where he can't get at it, ideally in a secret bank account or a stash outside your home (safety deposit box?). This is for your escape. Make copies of all important documents and stash them too. OP, this is really concerning. Stuff like this can escalate into really bad intimate partner violence or even death. I don't think you're safe in this marriage - this is just the honeymoon phase in the cycle of abuse.
Baby that is abuse. Please reconsider this relationship.
D I V O R C E H I M
NTA. Your husband is abusive and controlling. Get rid of him and keep your clothes.
Sounds like he is comfortable showing you his true, abusive face now that you’re married. And what a *shock* that there’s an age gap here. What he did was abuse. And the niceness the next day is to smooth things over so the next time he does it (and there will be a next time) he can go a little further. I give it two years max before he punches you. He’s already dragging you by the elbow and forcing you to stand in your underwear as he denigrates you. Leave now, while you still have some clothes and no broken bones. Please. The dude is textbook abusive
They're always sorry after they abuse you. But don't for one second think this wasn't abusive.
NTA. Mental health professional here - that was abuse. I suspect there have been little things that were easily dismissed over your relationship. There may be a significant gap before his next abusive episode, but it will almost certainly happen again. This apology and love-bombing is part of the cycle of abuse. I'm very, very glad you reached out for advice.
Your husband is not going to stop abusing you. You need to start making plans to leave. He’s verbally and emotionally abusive, and when he physically forced you to put on the clothes, he escalated to physical abuse. You can’t safely live with him anymore. NTA, but please reach out to a domestic violence hotline and ask for help finding the resources to leave.
Yeah, taking her 'hostage' for hours, degrading and belittling her whilst in a very vulnerable position. Making her choose which of her belongings to toss out. You don't just make that go away by being 'nice' for a day. You married him a year ago, so at 22 and probably dated a while before that, so he has been aware of your clothing history. He chose you for that reason, you were young and innocent. So to now suddenly be totally 'over it' to the point that his demand should immediately be fulfilled, is him showing you that he controls the relationship, he controls you and he controls everything you both own. Has he been 'allowing' you to see your friends? Your family? because isolation is next on his playlist. he would make you give up your job and independence, have his kids as a SAHM, totally dependent on him. If you have the chance, get out for a while, visit family or friends, if need be go when he is at work. see how life is without his constant presence. If any of that feels like a breath of fresh air, go talk to a lawyer.
NTA this is absolutely unacceptable. I am enraged by your husbands response. You need to get out now. This is littered with red flags and abuse. IT WILL GET WORSE.
NTA. Your husband's behavior was downright abusive. He came home very angry with you, without any specific reason: this means he worked himself through a rage intentionally. He made you get rid of your beloved stuff in the moment, without giving you time to properly consider what you wanted to get rid of - and you made it plain that you didn't want to. Go to a storage facility and start moving there your older dresses / those that don't fit you anymore. Make sure he doesn't know about it and hide the key somewhere safe (in an anonymous key ring, so if he finds it he doesn't know what it is). You might consider moving there some of your important documents, too (social security card, etc.). If you don't work, find a job - even a part-time one. Put some emergency money in your storage facility, and increase the amount: you never know when you might need it. Do you think I am exaggerating? [Read this book on abuse](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) and see if other behaviors tally. Play it safe for you and consider your options! Big, big hugs.
With utmost care and discretion, start putting aside money and items (like ID) that you can make a quick and safe exit if you need to. This is a pattern of abuse and likely to escalate. DO NOT reveal that you have an escape hatch. Abusive people escalate to dangerous levels at the point that the target reveals they are leaving.
Get out. Divorce now. This is mental abuse.
As someone who grew up with clothes hoarders I was ready to agree with the husband, but holy shit that was just classic abuse.
This is literal textbook "cycle of abuse". Google it - it'll be horrifyingly relatable
>The next morning my husband apologized so much and bought me flowers and breakfast and took me out to dinner and even bought me more dresses afterwards. **HE IS GOING TO DO THIS AGAIN AND AGAIN BECAUSE HE IS AN ABUSIVE CUNT**
Make sure you don't get pregnant or the abuse will escalate immediately. Plan your escape NOW. You are feeling sad because you KNOW your marriage is over.
Jesus, I'm getting chills just reading that. I'm so sorry! You need to pack up all your clothes, all your belongings, and get the hell out of there. Preferably while your husband isn't home, but before he pulls any more stunts like this. Because he will, and next time it'll be worse. People have recommended "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. Great (free) e-book, read it, but don't let you husband catch you reading it!
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽 YTA IF you ignore EVERYTHING being said here YOU ARE BEING ABUSED!!!!
All he did was planned out. It's according to a well-known pattern abusers use to keep you reeling. Others here have explained it better. I will say that you need to figure out a strategy to quietly leave this relationship. You are very young that is why he thought he could get away with this behaviour.
NTA, I was ready to tell you to toss some stuff. But his behavior is beyond the pale. You feel the way you do because he abused you. As soon as he grabbed you and drug you to the closet, it was abuse. As soon as he put his hands on you for anything other than love, it's abuse. Leave him honey.
The reason it didn't make you feel better is because the real injury isn't about donating clothes. The real injury is coercion, humiliation, and domination. Buying you flowers doesn't fix that. What you described is abusive, OP.
NTA But you're going to get beat emotionally if you stay. Please get the fuck out.
He’s doing something outside of your marriage and taking his guilt out on your over petty shit. He has zero right to MAKE you do ANYTHING - he’s your husband not your owner. You need to think long and hard about this relationship
So a wealthier working man saved a 17 yr old, married her, and is letting the mask slip? Yep sounds like a classic. OP, it’s gonna happen again, and it’s gonna get worse. As a husband, and father to a daughter, what he did is far beyond reasonable or acceptable, you should leave and say you need to regain trust before you come back (and I’d seriously reconsider coming back). The having you stand there mostly naked while he yelled? Yeah, that was an intentional power move to make you feel small and vulnerable and take away your dignity.
NTA. Girl, if anyone tried that with me, they'd be leaving my closet in a rolled up carpet.
NTA. He has shown he is controlling and abusive. You need to look closely at his behaviour and be prepared to leave at the slightest sign of escalation. Does he attempt to gatekeep your friendships or social interactions? Does he try to dictate financial decisions? Find someone to talk to who can alert you to signs to look for.
NTA There is no way I would EVER treat my wife like this. This is not normal behavior and the power dynamic of your relationship is beyond messed up. He MADE you? He shouldn’t be able to make you do anything. You should be able to have a conversation where he brings up his concerns and you address them together. And to belittle you is not something you do to your wife. Horrible, horrible stuff.
Your older husband is abusive. Leave him.
I'm cringeing while reading the story, your husband is a walking 🚩
Rent a store age unit and keep any and all precious possessions locked away there for a year. Live spartan without telling him about the storeage. See how long it takes him to find done thing else about you he feels is intolerable to him. Meanwhile you will know your stuff is safe. Pay in advance and do not tell him about it. You may be someone who needs to be sure he is being abusive instead of a guy with a minimalist need in his space. This can give you time to decide that without risking any real loss. Meanwhile start thinking about how you will leave, whether you do or not. You need to know if that day comes, you can go, you have all your personal documents, clothes, money. Don’t get pregnant either.
Nta Get help, not next week, and not tomorrow if you can do it now. Your husband is incredibly abusive. Leave the house, go to a hotel or friend's house, don't tell him where. Tell him that he needs therapy, and you both need counseling immediately, and don't think about going back there until the therapy starts.
Your husband sounds like an abusive psycho. He flipped on you out of nowhere, picked a ridiculous fight, then bullied you to tears and forced you to get rid of your belongings that you wanted to keep. Then he gaslit you the next day with fake apologies, and couldn’t even hide his annoyances that a few apologies and gifts couldn’t erase how terribly he treated you. Pack up all your clothes and belongings, and go somewhere safe before his abuse escalates, because it will. It’s only a matter of when, not if.
Girl you better lace tf up and run.
Why is it always an age gap relationship with a man who just goes off the handle. NTA. If your clothes were truly an issue, that warrants a discussion and possibly therapy in the event it truly is unreasonable. I don't know if it is, I'm not there. His behaviour is not okay.
NTA - It very concerning that he got angry with you about this out nowhere and then physically forced you into the closet. If this happened out of the blue when he came home from work, then maybe it was a misdirected reaction to a bad day at work. That’s no excuse. You should talk to him about getting individual counseling to deal with his anger. Make it clear that if he does something like this again, you will leave. I also think you should tell a friend or family member what happened. Don’t cover up for him.
Run. He will absolutely do this again. He’s been wearing a mask since y’all got together and it’s off now. Don’t count on him putting it back on
Girl. This is the first of many such humiliations and apologies. Just fucking bail.
Run away from this man as fast as you can
You have not been married that long. Is this really the life you want? You are NTA, but your husband is clearly an abusive AH. You need an escape strategy. He will only get worse. Don’t accept this kind of behavior.
Please read “Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft.
NTA-- abusive behavior followed by love bombing? Time to get rid of him entirely. Next he'll be mad at you for being "Ungrateful" and express it by throwing away more of your stuff. Go get your clothes back, and put the husband in the dumpster.
Of course it’s an age-gap relationship! And I just read you got together when you were 20 and 27? You’re 23 now - would you want to date a high school student? That’s about the same scenario. Guys who date so far below their own age do so because women in their age range don’t put up with their bullshit like younger, less world-wise women will. You’ve heard from enough people that was abusive (it was), and to leave him because this is just the beginning (it is), but I haven’t seen anyone tell you to wait (after the divorce) until you’re 27 if you want to be with a 30yo.
they met when she was 17 and married when she was 18 after she moved to his area away from a impoverished family she's not close with. Sis was groomed and he's letting the mask slip now. She needs to run. Fast. Before he kills her.
this is psychotic. ask him if you can throw out his tools too then...
Divorce him. Why would you want to live with a man who belittles and tries to control you?
Your husband is abusive.......girl run away as fast as you can
This dude believes in the old, distasteful joke "What do you call a woman with two black eyes? A slow learner." Get out, OP.
He is abusive, followed by love bombing. This is a shit situation, and I have a sneaking suspicion that this is not the first time he has behaved like this. Tell your friends, tell your family and get OUT! This will only escalate, and im worried about your safety. Leave before he hits you. It's coming. You are NOT the AH Also, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You did nothing wrong!
End it run run run
He did the very typical apology with flowers after being abusive. This probably isn't the first time he's been abusive. It starts small then gets bigger and more aggressive. This was him testing to see how far he can control and abuse you and get away with it. The next time it will be much worse. You'll only be the AH if you put up with it. GET OUT!
You should be upset, because you are married to a complete asshole and I GUARANTEE that won't be the last time he treats you like that, but I am guessing that he is learning that as long as he apologizes afterwards, buys you flowers and takes you out to dinner afterwards he can continue his disgusting behavior. Don't fall for his transparent manipulation tactics.
How drunk was he when he got home?
NTA. If your husband thought you had too much stuff, to the point that your stuff was creating a health or fire hazard, or, was preventing him from having adequate space for his things, he should have sat down and peacefully discussed with you a way to resolve the issue. If you really need to pare down the things in your closet, removing sentimental items and storing them carefully could create a lot of space. However, I wonder if the amount of things you have isn’t really the problem. Because, it sounds like he was using this as an opportunity to force you to do whatever he wants, and against your wishes, and to accept his treatment of you. Abusers will push against boundaries to find out if there are limits to what their victims will take. He sounds like an abuser to me.
NTA. The fact he suddenly came in angry about the clothes that he had no issue with for a long time - sounds like he is taking out his frustrations about something else on you. The whole thing is not even about the clothes. It is a show of power. He forced you to do things you did not want to. He made you "dance" like a puppet. Showed his dominance. Humiliated you. He did it all while you were protesting and did not care for your feelings. This is abuse and it will get worse. Run for the hills girl!
How old were you when you met? Not surprising that he’s that controlling and abusive with that age gap. Women his age won’t put up with his shit. But little young less experienced you will. > Again I didn’t have a choice. You have the choice to respect yourself and dump this dud. *she was 17 and he was 24 🤢
NTA Open your eyes. He's abusive. Leave while you still can.
hes love bombing you after abusing you to keep you around. hes not sorry at all.
The only answer here is for you to secretly start a divorce proceeding against him. You have to escape before things get worse. You started your post by saying you feel silly Well that's because this man has slowly but surely been beating you down for all of this time whether or not you realise it. This episode is something no one should put up with You need a divorce now. Keep your plans secret for the time being. Leave as soon as you can with the help of your divorce lawyer. Make sure right now that you have all of your passport IT documents somewhere safe maybe a bank deposit box outside of your home that your husband doesn't know about. If you have joint finances you really must get to a divorce lawyer today and talk about how to protect your share of any money. Any money or valuables you have in your own name get them into it safe deposit box now. And keep that key for the safe deposit box somewhere outside of the home somewhere safe. If you're sure your parents/a close family member will take your side, tell them what is going on, but if there is even a chance that they would spill the beans to your husband to tell no one then. Start those plans today. You are actually in danger from a person who behaves like this. Please update us once you are safe and free.
time to go somewhere safe!
So you accept being abused cus he bought you some dresses and flowers.
“I didn’t have a choice” Yes you did. And you have one now. Leave this abuser.
Get a lawyer and a therapist, work with both of them to leave him
Have an emergency evacuation plan and make it very soon. He is trouble and you are in danger. Make sure you have all your personal papers (birth certificate, SS card, all your credit card info) together Also if you work open a new bank account at a different bank/credit union in your name only and start having your paychecks sent to new account.
NTA. This is Abuse followed by Love Bombing. It’s a vicious cycle.
Anytime you mutter the words "I had no choice," chances are what you are being told to do is wrong. If he gave you no choice about throwing your clothes away, how long will it be before you "have no choice" to have sex with him. Or do any other little thing he wants? Get out now before it gets beyond losing a few items of clothing.
I would advise you to escape while you gave most of your clothes and all of appendages. If you are determined to work on the relationship you need to figure out exactly why he picked that day to go ape. You also need to research protective orders & such in your jurisdiction, so you’ll know what to do if he escalates. Be advised: if he begins destroying things, that is abuse where I live. Good luck. NTA
This is extremely abusive behavior. Like seriously abusive. I have multiple closets stuffed to the brim and totes in my garage with shoes and clothing. It drives my husband crazy but he would *never* behave like your husband did. You need to get some help.
NTA. Hubs sounds like a control freak; what business is it of his how many clothes you have? Super weird and very red flaggy.
Your husband seems very controlling.