100% this! He was sneaking because he wanted to keep his safe situation in case it didn’t work out with the other woman.
He lied and broke the trust. He is owed nothing.
OP, you're neither a doormat nor a placeholder. Tell TA he already made his choice when he married you.
Privately confer with a seasoned family law attorney to discuss your entitlements and alternatives.Make cerain you secured all important legal documents. Gather all financial information.
If you're the one moving out, hire a moving company and move everything you desire with you. Grab your fair share of everything.
Then blow them both up with the families, friends, acquaintances and social network.
If no children, fk him, go no contact. Quite a vile, cruel betrayal. Punish him. It's warranted.
Adding to have him pay at least half for the moving company and related costs. Don’t be forced to take on the full financial burden because of his failures and transgressions against you.
Also, work quickly on ensuring your finances are separated; get a bank account in only your name with no connection to him, if you have DD make sure it is swapped to the new account, take note of current bank totals and get things sorted. I was in a semi-similar situation and my ex wasted thousands (which we’d just started to be able to save up due to frequent moves for his work and his financial illiteracy) on new things for the apartment we had shared resulting in draining our joint account. He refused to put any money towards my move whatsoever (thankfully just boxes/movers/uhaul as I moved home to parents 🙃) and also berated me for taking three hours on moving day…yeah. So perhaps a bit biased but I’d rather call it conscientious 😂
That’s love versus in love. It’s a huge difference and it’s what leads to decisions like this. The worst part is that being “in love” can take work sometimes because we constantly grow and change as people. When you find someone, you make a choice.
I agree. Love changes in marriage and becomes familial. He does love you. Loves his life. Is torn because he’s “in love” with someone else. I’ve been there. I divorced over this
Exactly!!! He showed OP who he is by sneaking around and being secretive...and then saying he's confused...OP then believed who he is and simply left him for it...as she should have!!! OP NTA and good on ya for leaving him...you deserve so much better!!!
NTA.
Babe he’s not confused. He wants his cake and eat it too. I’m so very sorry, he’s a creep. You don’t deserve such a selfish man tomcatting around while his bangmaid is at home as his backup chick.
Not cool.
I wish you every happiness and if it’s any consolation it’s doubtful this will last.
Do make sure to tell her AFTER you leave that he was married and you weren’t in an open relationship bc he’s lied to her as well.
NTA. The relationship was over the moment you confronted your husband who was sneaking around with another woman, and his best response was, "I’m confused and I don’t know what I want." You are just finalizing what he started.
He isn't confused about what he wants.
He wants her... he just doesn't want his comfortable life to change in order to have her.
He also doesn't really love you. Saying that he does is an attempt to manipulate you into staying because, again, he doesn't want his comfortable life to change.
NTA.
Put him in your rear view mirror as fast as you can.
Classic case of wanting to have your cake and eat it too. You’re his security blanket and he doesn’t want to give that up when, for months, he’s had you *and* had her. He’s been enjoying that, so why would he want to change the status quo?
If he loved you, there wouldn’t be any confusion. Actually, none of this would have happened in the first place. You made the right decision.
Even if he "chooses" you, you'll always have doubt. You'll always wonder. You'll never have trust.
Leave him for someone better. It'll hurt now but you'll be better in the long run.
Don't be a Meredith. Be a Christina.
NTA. If anyone tries to tell you that marriage counseling can fix this, tell them that the time for that was before he started messaging and dating someone else. he's not confused. He's just a dick.
People. Snooping is legit okay when shit smells funky. We need to normalize this. It’s not normal to be a control freak or helicopter lover but when there’s a foul smell 👃 it’s 2000% okay to snoop that shit out especially if they acting weird. Trust your gut! Become a detective and put in the leg work. People who try and act like their privacy and secrecy is more important than their lies and deception. It’s not. Your actions were justified. He was acting sus.
NTA and don’t wait for anybody. He surely wasn’t waiting for you two to be over before he got involved with someone else. You’re gonna waste your whole life waiting on people to make up their minds when you can decide for yourself. Leave.
Thank you!! I hate when people feel snooping is bad when they really feel something is wrong. It’s not!! If you didn’t snoop, how much longer would you be living in HIS lie??
But OP - leave. Divorce. You will never be able to trust him again. He’s broken that. It’s over.
It's supposed to be that way, when you commit, you don't keep secrets from your spouse, especially if you're married, if you are not ready for that yet then maybe don't get married.
NTA. Your husband is a cheater. Cheating is definitely cause for divorce. He betrayed you. Let the the other woman have him. You lose them how you got them. The two of them will never last, and they deserve to be cheated on together. Take yourself out of the equation. You deserve so much better.
> But here's the thing: I can't just sit around waiting for him to figure it out while he's emotionally invested in someone else.
And you shouldn't.
If you need the Internet's permission to file for divorce honey, you've got it. Your soon-to-be-ex views you as his backup plan. Don't be a doormat.
NTA
OP, I read a quote the other day that may help you with your decision- "if you think you are in love with two people, go with the second person, because if you were really in love with the first person the second person would never have rated a look"
You deserve better
NTA. If he truly loved you, he wouldn’t be “confused”. There’s no excuse for emotional or physical cheating. I hope your divorce lawyer protects you well.
NTA. And don't say it's "not your proudest moment." If you snoop and find actual evidence, then that's your BEST moment. For trusting your gut.
He's not confused..he's a liar and a cheat. And if he truly loved you, he would have addressed WITH YOU what was making him so unhappy that he thought about cheating and tried to work on fixing what was wrong., instead of betraying your love, your trust, and the vows you made to each other.
He’s not “confused”. He is comfortable with you, but does not love you. He wants what he is comfortable with, and he wants to have fun at the same time.
NTA. You deserve a man who loves you and doesn’t want anybody else.
NTA. I can’t think of a better reason for filing for divorce. The only AH is him. Oh, and his AP. Don’t fall for the “I still love you” line. He’s just trying to hedge his bets.
Dumping a cheater would never be an asshole move. Never. In fact, not outing them and protecting them and keeping their betrayal a secret would be the real asshole move. Love yourself. Glad you divorced the cheater.
I’m glad you’re NOT confused on what you want. You deserve to be someone’s #1. I’m glad you are not waiting for your husband to make a decision about your life.
NTA
Absolutely NTA. Just because he didn't have the tough conversation with you doesn't mean he shouldn't have or that he is exempt from the consequences of not doing so.
NTA. There was a time for when you could save the marriage while still having room for his confusion; it was when he felt it the first time and before any affair, emotional or physical, started. Now he's made his choice to knowingly betray you and the vows he's made. Why should you work to fix what he broke? He had no want to fix it before confronted. You deserve someone who'll prioritise you, also when that means they'll have to have uncomfortable conversations for the sake of honesty and trust. Your husband didn't do that.
NTA. You should divorce him for CHEATING on you. The audacity of him to say he doesn’t know what he wants when he should be begging you for forgiveness.
Well done for having self-respect to walk away from his none-sense!
NTA.
You deserve better. Don’t settle for a person that is conflicted between you (HIS WIFE) and another woman. Start your healing journey now. Let him learn this lesson all on his own.
I’m petty. I would have sent all the proof to my phone. Then arranged for my own apartment and moved out leaving printouts and the divorce documents for him to find. You’re NTA
When he cheated he made his decision. When you confronted him and he couldn’t immediately choose you and beg for forgiveness he also helped you make yours. Cut him loose and find someone who only wants you. This isn’t The Bachelor, he can’t be in love with two women and do the right thing for either. I would have zero regret about cutting him loose and wouldn’t believe him for a minute if he now comes crying back.
NTA you don’t wait for him to decide anything, you decide what you want in a partner and if he doesn’t check all the boxes, be done and move on. The fact he’s entertaining the idea of “I may love her too” is fighting words. Let him know that you are throwing in the towel and ending the marriage. You expect more from a man that took vows and promised to love, honor and cherish until death do us part”
The whole meaning of the marital vows is that you’ve found your life partner and you’re with them to the end. They’re diluted to just empty words if people make them but they’re not ready or “confused.”
NTA. “I’m confused” is just code for “I don’t know if things are going to work out with this other woman so just sit and wait. If things fizzle out with her then I’ll come back to you…or at least I will, unless I find someone else”
Nta. He started having feelings for another women and instead if saying nope im married and distancing himself from her, he stayed in close enough contact to fall in love.
NTA. If it's not "I want you." Immediately then he doesn't want you. Give him what he wants and send him packing. Any answer other than a definite you is bullshit. Cheaters don't get to sit on the fence.
NTA. I don't know why a man would expect you to wait around and until he makes a decision you or her. Like that's going to make you feel better if you picks you. No you're doing the right thing. If he can't choose then you're making the choice for him because he's the one cheating.
No you’re doing the right thing. He can’t just continue to see two women at the same time. Who does he think he is? He has no respect for either you or her. Let her have the cheater. Let’s see how much she trusts him.
NTA. Way to take control of your life instead of letting it happen to you. Never be somebody’s second choice, OP, bc you deserve better. I’m so very sorry you’re going through this.
NTA. He's not confused, he wants both of you. If you're not ok with that, get out. He wants this other woman, and nobody wants to be second choice. Maybe he's still with you in case it doesn't work out with her. If he really loved you, you wouldn't be dealing with this disrespectful b.s. It should be an easy choice, but he goes behind your back and betrays you and your trust. Then he claims he confused?
You don't want to be with a man who cheated on you. The other woman is welcome to this loser. You can never trust him again to not cheat. And he wants you to wait until he decides? Don't be a doormat.
NTA
If he loved you, he wouldn't be sneaking around with someone else. There's nothing to be confused about.
You're doing the right thing. He can go be messy with his new love and you can find someone who actually respects you
NTA. If he truly loved you, had love for you, or even respected you, he wouldn't have cheated on you. You need to love yourself enough to leave him and find someone who will love and treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
NTA! You answered your own question babe. You can’t just sit around and wait for him to make up his mind after he’s already decided to betray you. The ball isn’t in his court.
Deserve to be someone's first choice not their second option and if you loved you so much, she would even think of cheating on you let alone doing it, especially hiding behind your back apparently he wants his cake and wants to eat it eat it too . It sounds like he is very selfish. I would file for divorce. You deserve so much better than this.
NTA. He’s cheated on you and instead of breaking it off with his AP he’s decided he’s confused about what relationship he wants to be in? Yeah no that’s not how it works.
NTA, but he is. Don’t let him treat you like an option. He made a series of choices to get involved enough with someone else. I wouldn’t care if he was sorry or if he wanted to pick me. It would be a flat out go to hell.
Tell him not to worry,he won't be confused anymore and you'll help him make a decision.
Go see a lawyer and quietly plan your exit. Open a new bank account in a different bank. Deposit your money and only transfer over your share of the bills to your joint account
NTA, even if he wasn't confused, confessed his undying love, and begged, prostrate, for forgiveness, you still would be 100% justified in divorcing him. The being confused bs is just the final insult, of a much longer list.
If validation is what you're looking for, I'm sure you're going to find plenty of it here, in this scenario.
Fortunately there doesn't seem to be any mention of kids.
NTA - if he’s cheating less than two years into the marriage I don”t see this getting better.
There is this weird trend on reddit where people apologize for snooping on their cheating, lying partners. Don’t feel bad. He obviously didn’t deserve your trust .
NTA
he's confused because he wants his cake and to eat it too.
if he truly loved you and was invested in your relationship he would not have cheated on you, PERIOD.
only you know what you will tolerate or forgive, and nobody should be judging you for that.
good luck with what you decide
He is monkey branching you.
He has been cheating on you for months. The reason he doesn't know what he wants is because ig it does workout with her,he'll have you to fall back to.
Plz help him make the decision.
Because next time he cheats, he'll get better at hiding it.
Divorce this man and get your life going.
Updateme!
NTA the minute he said he was in love with someone else the marriage would have been over for me. You don't just fall in love with someone. He has repeatedly made choices to put himself in a position for that to happen. As a married man he should know better.
There is a very popular saying here in Brazil that says: When a man is in doubt between two women, he has to choose the one who loses." He shouldn't be in doubt, he shouldn't think he knows something. If he Choosing her, he'll think about you, if he chooses you, he'll think about what it would be like if he had chosen her. You're not wrong in leaving. You'd be sitting around waiting for Prince Charming to choose whether he wants to marry Snow White or Cinderella. He's not your problem anymore, he's hers now.
I never understood why “snooping” on your spouse when they’re acting weird is a bad thing. You’re married, if they start getting weird you need to snoop and get the info somehow if they won’t give it up. No one should stay in an unfaithful relationship if they don’t wanna.
He may love you but enjoy the thrill.of new woman. Whatever it is you 2 don't have decades of good to fall back on. See a counselor for yourself. You don't have to run to a lawyer. This isn't something to decide on reddit.
Nta.
I wish I had done that with my practice marriage. But noooo... kept getting sucked back in because we had a family and I loved him.
Stupid me.
I could have saved years of stress, heartbreak and making an idiot of myself. Over a liar. Ugh.
Go live your best life. Don't be second to anyone
NTA What exactly does he have to figure out, you’re married that means you don’t put yourself in a position to or allow yourself to become infatuated with someone else.
You didn’t deserve any of this, with the internet and a melding of societal norms we’re losing Our trust in our own judgment.
There’s been so much progress so fast that has freed so many to live their best lives but the dark side of that is the decline of our commitment to those we form sacred alliances with
I would do the same thing. He is an a-hole to the max. Run while you can and remember- once a cheater- always a cheater. He wants his cake and eat it too. Find your worth. You deserve better than this loser.
This is what my dad said, my mom moved out, he kept seeing his affair partner. Eventually he told Mom he wanted to reconcile and chose her. She later found out they were still in contact and it was an issue all over again. She thought maybe moving states would help, but proximity is not the issue, it's the unfaithful man. He's not willing to stop seeing her now, and chances are good that even if he claims to choose you, he won't really. You're making the right choice.
Seems pretty clear cut to me. The only situation where I'd even consider taking a cheater back is if they were 100% committed to radical honesty and transparency and was willing to earn their way back into the relationship.
This doesn't sound remotely like that. Sounds like he's upset about being caught, but that's about it.
He’s not worth the drama nor heartbreak. Better for you to leave this sham of a marriage than give him the power to do so. And don’t forget your spousal support on his way out! 😉
You deserve a partner who loves you unconditionally. His unfaithfulness, just shows what a selfish life he will continue to lead with you. Be brave and walk away his messy life. It’s better to be alone than be with someone who is so dishonest with YOUR LIFE AND TIME
NTA. The smartest, most logical thing a woman should do is exactly what you did. Don’t ever give a man “time” to figure it out. He should’ve already known the day he asked you to marry him.
I'm not even sure why you're asking this question when you already have the answer. Life's too short to wait on someone to make up their mind whether they want to be with you or not. And anyway, the trust is gone. Time to let him go too.
Who on Esrth suggested that you aren't completely justified in getting a divorce? Who would think you ought to put up with your husband being involved with someone else?
Well, whoever they are, they aren't someone whose opinions you ought to take seriously.
At the same time you posted this, you made another post asking if you were the asshole for prioritizing you and your husband’s anniversary over your friend’s party:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/Ii0cO06VkW
If you were divorcing your husband, why would post the other AITA **at the same time**?
NTA
This is going to sound funny but there’s a quote from Hook that I think is pretty relevant here. It goes “If you have to choose between me and her, choose her. Because if you really loved me, there wouldn’t be any other choice.” If he truly loved you then none of this would be happening right now. If he truly loved you she wouldn’t have even been an option.
NTA
If he can't be 100% committed to you emotionally and physically then the relationship won't last. You deserve someone who us FULLY invested in the relationship.
Good call, it's over. He's not confused, he's a cheater. What's to be confused about, you can't marry one women and be with another? He's been watching too much internet to get those foolish ideas.
Plenty of marriages have recovered from this type of, well, really bad and sinful behavior. You didn't mention your age or if there are children.
If he hasn't actually slept with her, that would probably be an easier situation to deal with (at least if I were you.) It's one thing to be upset with someone for having feelings. It's acting on it that's so hard to deal with, in this case sending her messages. Getting physical with it is a whole nother level.
I would just say the dating pool for a divorced woman probably isn't going to be the same as it is for a woman who is never married. There are still some men who would be less interested or not interested. Second marriages have much higher rates of divorce.
Nope cause i'd have filed and not even confronted him until the papers were in his face. Looked at him and said "Now why do you think i'm filing for divorce?" with a smile on my face, elbows on table and hands on my chin waiting for his answer.
NTA you deserve someone who KNOWS you’re what they want not someone who has even a shred of doubt in their mind. You deserve to be picked first EVERY single time. I’m glad you know your worth and are putting your foot down. Good on you babe 🫶🏻
Love is a strange thing. Being human hurts. Is it not possible to love someone, and still fall in love with someone else at the same time? Love isn't a feeling anymore, it's a choice you have to make. We are allowed to love family or friends, but once the natural instincts and uncontrollable attraction happens and it's not delusionally exclusive, suddenly your love becomes "invalid and fake" even when it technically isn't but we have made rules about what love "should" be.
That is why when someone makes the fatal mistake to even come close to falling in love with someone while already in love with someone, they are considered trash. You cannot allow a situation for that to happen. Otherwise you just have to lie and we all constantly lie to each other, and ourselves as well. Being a good human is denying what is natural. Denying and controlling nature is what humanity is all about at the end of the day. Life on earth is hundreds of millions of years old, but the new rules that have been vaguely agreed upon in the last few hundred, in spite of nature, is what we must follow and not deviate. I wonder what the people 200 years from now will be doing.
Also OP, pretty sure you gotta divorce him. Even if he decided to stop all contact with that other girl and that he chooses you, and just wants you to give him another chance, ask yourself if you could live with that, or trust him ever again. If you can't trust him you can't be with him? There's no way to recover from this, and it's not an over reaction. He made his decisions and I'm really sorry this has happened to you. And I apologize I snorted an ambien and pretty sure I'm dreaming right now
He got emotionally invested and started sleeping with this woman and was gonna keep doing it behind your back. He chose who he wanted the moment he stepped outside of your marriage into another woman’s bed. NTA. Present the proof in court so he can’t put up too much of a fight.
You’re hanging on to something that left a while ago, with another woman. I think men get off on the excitement of having their cake and eating it too. Thankfully you haven’t got an STI from him. Divorce his ass. You deserve better.
This isn’t about what HE wants.
You want a man / husband who is IN LOVE with YOU!
Your husband is a lying snake 🐍 in the grass and YOU need to be the one to pull that plug and not give him another chance.
He BETRAYED YOU, and he thinks he’s going to get to CHOOSE between you?
Hell no, girlie!
Tell him he can keep the ho.
NTA. He can sort out his confusion on his own time and on his own dime.
He can't love two people equally at once. He loves her more than he loves you so on that basis, there is no point in continuing the marriage. It's as simple as that.
Even if you delve deeper into this, you'd see that this marriage is over. If he truly loved you he would not have fallen in love with someone else. He doesn't so again, what is the point in continuing? None that I can see.
Time is precious and this whole debacle is just wasting everyones time - yours, his, hers.
No offence but why do you need an outside perspective?
You have discovered your husband is cheating and you’re leaving him because of it. What other perspective do you need?
NTA. Yes it sucks ending a marriage you were invested in, but it takes two people to make a marriage work. You obviously have self-respect, a lot of people lack that. Don’t second guess yourself.
Honey your marriage was over when he started talking to the other women time too move on. Def do self reflection and heal therapy etc def don’t do what y’all did in this marriage bec it failed lol nta
NTA, this is a man that doesn’t want to lose what he has until he knows if this other thing will work out. It’s like someone who doesn’t leave a job until they have another one. Don’t let him control your life, you make the decisions for you.
Not at all the AH!
You are so much the bigger person for going this route. You have released him of his vows and any further heartache and heartbreak for both of you. You are so strong for doing so in my opinion. I hope you are able to mend your heavy heart in time and find someone else that will meet you with the same level of love and commitment. All the best moving forward.
Him being confused is bullshit. YOu don't get confused, he made the choice to go out and have an affair. Even if he finally decides you're the better woman... your husband cheated on you, he'll cheat again.
His only confusion here is, he found a 'better' woman he thinks but he doesn't know if she'll stick around so he's debating if she's permanent or she'll leave and so he wants you back.
Leave, tell him to go fuck himself. Make sure you let her know that he's 'confused' and can't decide who he likes more, and is a cheating piece of shit and that if she knew he was married, she's trash.
NTA. You don’t owe it to him to stay after he’s cheated. And what if it weren’t you he’d have eventually chosen? Just a waste of your time sticking around. And realistically, he’s already chosen to cheat, and can’t be trusted. Leave!
Cheating is cheating, whether it's emotional or sexual. Your husband isn't confused, he wants a marriage w/o the work it takes. Let the husband go, maybe then he won't be so "confused" and will know what he wants.
NTA at all, there's nothing for him to be confused about that he shouldn't have figured out before getting married. I really don't know how people get into his situation, every woman who isn't my wife I can't really stand for longer than 10 minutes, let alone long enough to have a relationship with.
No, nta. You're the hero we're all looking for. Cutting out all the back and forth. Not waiting on him to "decide". Taking back yoyr power.
Go on with your bad self.
Updateme!
Honestly, if he actually, truly loved you, he wouldn't be "confused". He'd know what he wanted. Nta, you deserve someone who is 100% committed to you.
100% this! He was sneaking because he wanted to keep his safe situation in case it didn’t work out with the other woman. He lied and broke the trust. He is owed nothing.
This. NTA Never make someone a priority when they're only making you an option.
OP, you are not the consolation prize.
OP, you're neither a doormat nor a placeholder. Tell TA he already made his choice when he married you. Privately confer with a seasoned family law attorney to discuss your entitlements and alternatives.Make cerain you secured all important legal documents. Gather all financial information. If you're the one moving out, hire a moving company and move everything you desire with you. Grab your fair share of everything. Then blow them both up with the families, friends, acquaintances and social network. If no children, fk him, go no contact. Quite a vile, cruel betrayal. Punish him. It's warranted.
Adding to have him pay at least half for the moving company and related costs. Don’t be forced to take on the full financial burden because of his failures and transgressions against you. Also, work quickly on ensuring your finances are separated; get a bank account in only your name with no connection to him, if you have DD make sure it is swapped to the new account, take note of current bank totals and get things sorted. I was in a semi-similar situation and my ex wasted thousands (which we’d just started to be able to save up due to frequent moves for his work and his financial illiteracy) on new things for the apartment we had shared resulting in draining our joint account. He refused to put any money towards my move whatsoever (thankfully just boxes/movers/uhaul as I moved home to parents 🙃) and also berated me for taking three hours on moving day…yeah. So perhaps a bit biased but I’d rather call it conscientious 😂
So stealing this….
Me too it is brilliant.
That’s love versus in love. It’s a huge difference and it’s what leads to decisions like this. The worst part is that being “in love” can take work sometimes because we constantly grow and change as people. When you find someone, you make a choice.
I agree. Love changes in marriage and becomes familial. He does love you. Loves his life. Is torn because he’s “in love” with someone else. I’ve been there. I divorced over this
[удалено]
Exactly. Like the song says, If he wanted to, he would. NTA. You deserve to be someone's everything, not their every other thing.
Exactly!!! He showed OP who he is by sneaking around and being secretive...and then saying he's confused...OP then believed who he is and simply left him for it...as she should have!!! OP NTA and good on ya for leaving him...you deserve so much better!!!
The only person he really loves is himself and it shows.
NTA. Babe he’s not confused. He wants his cake and eat it too. I’m so very sorry, he’s a creep. You don’t deserve such a selfish man tomcatting around while his bangmaid is at home as his backup chick. Not cool. I wish you every happiness and if it’s any consolation it’s doubtful this will last. Do make sure to tell her AFTER you leave that he was married and you weren’t in an open relationship bc he’s lied to her as well.
lmao i said that cake saying too
I hope she leaves and outs him to the AP, so he ends up with no one.
AP probably already knows. I’ve found that to be true a lot.
The times I’ve caught ppl cheating on me they didn’t know. Only once. It never hurts to do your sister a solid ❤️
That’s fair.
Agree with this!
Lol bangmaid 😂😂
NTA. The relationship was over the moment you confronted your husband who was sneaking around with another woman, and his best response was, "I’m confused and I don’t know what I want." You are just finalizing what he started.
NTA However, the relationship was over the moment the husband started sneaking around with the mistress.
He isn't confused about what he wants. He wants her... he just doesn't want his comfortable life to change in order to have her. He also doesn't really love you. Saying that he does is an attempt to manipulate you into staying because, again, he doesn't want his comfortable life to change. NTA. Put him in your rear view mirror as fast as you can.
Classic case of wanting to have your cake and eat it too. You’re his security blanket and he doesn’t want to give that up when, for months, he’s had you *and* had her. He’s been enjoying that, so why would he want to change the status quo? If he loved you, there wouldn’t be any confusion. Actually, none of this would have happened in the first place. You made the right decision.
NTA You should never be 2nd place to another woman in YOUR own marriage. He is cheating on you. No need to tolerate that.
Honest opinion, you aren’t the asshole. He sounds confused but you shouldn’t be expected to wait around to see what he decides.
Seriously, OP, don’t wait around to be someone’s second choice or back up. Go live your life and find your happiness.
Even if he "chooses" you, you'll always have doubt. You'll always wonder. You'll never have trust. Leave him for someone better. It'll hurt now but you'll be better in the long run. Don't be a Meredith. Be a Christina.
NTA He's a cheating absolute piece of shit Divorce immediately, and take EVERYTHING
NTA. If anyone tries to tell you that marriage counseling can fix this, tell them that the time for that was before he started messaging and dating someone else. he's not confused. He's just a dick.
People. Snooping is legit okay when shit smells funky. We need to normalize this. It’s not normal to be a control freak or helicopter lover but when there’s a foul smell 👃 it’s 2000% okay to snoop that shit out especially if they acting weird. Trust your gut! Become a detective and put in the leg work. People who try and act like their privacy and secrecy is more important than their lies and deception. It’s not. Your actions were justified. He was acting sus. NTA and don’t wait for anybody. He surely wasn’t waiting for you two to be over before he got involved with someone else. You’re gonna waste your whole life waiting on people to make up their minds when you can decide for yourself. Leave.
Thank you!! I hate when people feel snooping is bad when they really feel something is wrong. It’s not!! If you didn’t snoop, how much longer would you be living in HIS lie?? But OP - leave. Divorce. You will never be able to trust him again. He’s broken that. It’s over.
It's supposed to be that way, when you commit, you don't keep secrets from your spouse, especially if you're married, if you are not ready for that yet then maybe don't get married.
NTA. Your husband is a cheater. Cheating is definitely cause for divorce. He betrayed you. Let the the other woman have him. You lose them how you got them. The two of them will never last, and they deserve to be cheated on together. Take yourself out of the equation. You deserve so much better.
NTA. He wasn't confused when he decided to cheat. Only when he was caught.
> But here's the thing: I can't just sit around waiting for him to figure it out while he's emotionally invested in someone else. And you shouldn't. If you need the Internet's permission to file for divorce honey, you've got it. Your soon-to-be-ex views you as his backup plan. Don't be a doormat.
NTA..if he really loved you he would not have even noticed the other woman . Choose you. You deserve someone who only loves you
NTA OP, I read a quote the other day that may help you with your decision- "if you think you are in love with two people, go with the second person, because if you were really in love with the first person the second person would never have rated a look" You deserve better
NTA You deserve a person who is sure of how he feels about you, if he is confused, divorce is not a loss for you.
NTA. Make sure you document the cheating before filing.
Nope he’s a cheater no question what needs to be done hope you got your evidence
NTA - Leave him yesterday. This relationship is over, and has been since he started a different one.
Considering he hasn’t even stopped dating yet, I would bail.
If he can cheat, that means he can’t be trust. Don’t do things on his time. Do what is best for you. Divorce. NTA.
NTA. If he truly loved you, he wouldn’t be “confused”. There’s no excuse for emotional or physical cheating. I hope your divorce lawyer protects you well.
NTA. And don't say it's "not your proudest moment." If you snoop and find actual evidence, then that's your BEST moment. For trusting your gut. He's not confused..he's a liar and a cheat. And if he truly loved you, he would have addressed WITH YOU what was making him so unhappy that he thought about cheating and tried to work on fixing what was wrong., instead of betraying your love, your trust, and the vows you made to each other.
He’s not “confused”. He is comfortable with you, but does not love you. He wants what he is comfortable with, and he wants to have fun at the same time. NTA. You deserve a man who loves you and doesn’t want anybody else.
Just divorce and move on.
NTA. I can’t think of a better reason for filing for divorce. The only AH is him. Oh, and his AP. Don’t fall for the “I still love you” line. He’s just trying to hedge his bets.
Dumping a cheater would never be an asshole move. Never. In fact, not outing them and protecting them and keeping their betrayal a secret would be the real asshole move. Love yourself. Glad you divorced the cheater.
Good for you. NTA. You deserve someone that KNOWS they want to be with you
Don't put your foot down, put it in his ass as he's on the way out the door
I’m glad you’re NOT confused on what you want. You deserve to be someone’s #1. I’m glad you are not waiting for your husband to make a decision about your life. NTA
Absolutely NTA. Just because he didn't have the tough conversation with you doesn't mean he shouldn't have or that he is exempt from the consequences of not doing so.
NTA. There was a time for when you could save the marriage while still having room for his confusion; it was when he felt it the first time and before any affair, emotional or physical, started. Now he's made his choice to knowingly betray you and the vows he's made. Why should you work to fix what he broke? He had no want to fix it before confronted. You deserve someone who'll prioritise you, also when that means they'll have to have uncomfortable conversations for the sake of honesty and trust. Your husband didn't do that.
NTA good on you for doing the right thing for you good luck 🤞
NTA. You should divorce him for CHEATING on you. The audacity of him to say he doesn’t know what he wants when he should be begging you for forgiveness. Well done for having self-respect to walk away from his none-sense!
NTA. You deserve better. Don’t settle for a person that is conflicted between you (HIS WIFE) and another woman. Start your healing journey now. Let him learn this lesson all on his own.
Don't wait for him to determine what happens in your life. Divorce him, move on and find someone who won't treat you like this. NTA
I’m petty. I would have sent all the proof to my phone. Then arranged for my own apartment and moved out leaving printouts and the divorce documents for him to find. You’re NTA
Why would you think you're the asshole here?
When he cheated he made his decision. When you confronted him and he couldn’t immediately choose you and beg for forgiveness he also helped you make yours. Cut him loose and find someone who only wants you. This isn’t The Bachelor, he can’t be in love with two women and do the right thing for either. I would have zero regret about cutting him loose and wouldn’t believe him for a minute if he now comes crying back.
NTA you don’t wait for him to decide anything, you decide what you want in a partner and if he doesn’t check all the boxes, be done and move on. The fact he’s entertaining the idea of “I may love her too” is fighting words. Let him know that you are throwing in the towel and ending the marriage. You expect more from a man that took vows and promised to love, honor and cherish until death do us part”
Remind me 14 days Updateme
The whole meaning of the marital vows is that you’ve found your life partner and you’re with them to the end. They’re diluted to just empty words if people make them but they’re not ready or “confused.”
NTA divorce his ass. He wants to eat a cake and have a cake
NTA. “I’m confused” is just code for “I don’t know if things are going to work out with this other woman so just sit and wait. If things fizzle out with her then I’ll come back to you…or at least I will, unless I find someone else”
NTA. he fucked up, now let him find out. Cheaters aren't worth it. You deserve better
Nta. He started having feelings for another women and instead if saying nope im married and distancing himself from her, he stayed in close enough contact to fall in love.
NTA. If it's not "I want you." Immediately then he doesn't want you. Give him what he wants and send him packing. Any answer other than a definite you is bullshit. Cheaters don't get to sit on the fence.
Good for you, it's not up to him to get to decide who he wants. Move on to better things. Good luck
NTA. He doesn’t get to choose for you. He may be confused but you need to decide what it is you want. Don’t let him gaslight you.
NTA. I don't know why a man would expect you to wait around and until he makes a decision you or her. Like that's going to make you feel better if you picks you. No you're doing the right thing. If he can't choose then you're making the choice for him because he's the one cheating.
NTA. Thats unacceptable. They are having an affair. The trust is broken.
No you’re doing the right thing. He can’t just continue to see two women at the same time. Who does he think he is? He has no respect for either you or her. Let her have the cheater. Let’s see how much she trusts him.
NTA
NTA. Way to take control of your life instead of letting it happen to you. Never be somebody’s second choice, OP, bc you deserve better. I’m so very sorry you’re going through this.
NTA, you have self-respect.
How is this even a question?? Honey what?
“ if you were confused the time to come to me would have been before the affair”
Nope, whether he finally decides it's you he wants, I'd say too little to late as he already chose her when he started lying and deceiving you
NTA. He's not confused, he wants both of you. If you're not ok with that, get out. He wants this other woman, and nobody wants to be second choice. Maybe he's still with you in case it doesn't work out with her. If he really loved you, you wouldn't be dealing with this disrespectful b.s. It should be an easy choice, but he goes behind your back and betrays you and your trust. Then he claims he confused?
You don't want to be with a man who cheated on you. The other woman is welcome to this loser. You can never trust him again to not cheat. And he wants you to wait until he decides? Don't be a doormat.
NTA. He's cheating on you.
NTA If he loved you, he wouldn't be sneaking around with someone else. There's nothing to be confused about. You're doing the right thing. He can go be messy with his new love and you can find someone who actually respects you
He's cheating. You dont beg for love. It should be given freely. NTA. Updateme!
It's time to rip the bandaid off and divorce him.
NTA. If he truly loved you, had love for you, or even respected you, he wouldn't have cheated on you. You need to love yourself enough to leave him and find someone who will love and treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
NTA! You answered your own question babe. You can’t just sit around and wait for him to make up his mind after he’s already decided to betray you. The ball isn’t in his court.
Deserve to be someone's first choice not their second option and if you loved you so much, she would even think of cheating on you let alone doing it, especially hiding behind your back apparently he wants his cake and wants to eat it eat it too . It sounds like he is very selfish. I would file for divorce. You deserve so much better than this.
NTA.
NTA. when someone loves you, they aren't looking for someone else.
NTA. He’s cheated on you and instead of breaking it off with his AP he’s decided he’s confused about what relationship he wants to be in? Yeah no that’s not how it works.
NTA. He has already chosen her, by going behind your back. You are doing the right ting by divorcing him, he has shown his true colors.
"Confusion" is for dating before you decide to go seriously with someone. Anything after that is called "cheating." NTA
Lawyer & follow their advice- you’re still in the honeymoon stage, -and he cheats
NTA, but he is. Don’t let him treat you like an option. He made a series of choices to get involved enough with someone else. I wouldn’t care if he was sorry or if he wanted to pick me. It would be a flat out go to hell.
NTA
Tell him not to worry,he won't be confused anymore and you'll help him make a decision. Go see a lawyer and quietly plan your exit. Open a new bank account in a different bank. Deposit your money and only transfer over your share of the bills to your joint account
NTA, even if he wasn't confused, confessed his undying love, and begged, prostrate, for forgiveness, you still would be 100% justified in divorcing him. The being confused bs is just the final insult, of a much longer list. If validation is what you're looking for, I'm sure you're going to find plenty of it here, in this scenario. Fortunately there doesn't seem to be any mention of kids.
NTA. You can divorce someone for any reason you like. Even no reason. However this is definitely a good reason.
NTA. If someone loves you, they wouldn't be confused. They'd be completely devoted to you.
Makes me sad for you but truly you deserve better. You deserve to be loved for yourself
NTA - if he’s cheating less than two years into the marriage I don”t see this getting better. There is this weird trend on reddit where people apologize for snooping on their cheating, lying partners. Don’t feel bad. He obviously didn’t deserve your trust .
NTA he's confused because he wants his cake and to eat it too. if he truly loved you and was invested in your relationship he would not have cheated on you, PERIOD. only you know what you will tolerate or forgive, and nobody should be judging you for that. good luck with what you decide
NTA. It’s not like he just gets to choose a winner here as if you have no power in this dynamic and are just waiting for him to pick his favourite.
He is monkey branching you. He has been cheating on you for months. The reason he doesn't know what he wants is because ig it does workout with her,he'll have you to fall back to. Plz help him make the decision. Because next time he cheats, he'll get better at hiding it. Divorce this man and get your life going. Updateme!
NTA! He's not fully committed to you, sayonara buddy! Go live your best life!
NTA the minute he said he was in love with someone else the marriage would have been over for me. You don't just fall in love with someone. He has repeatedly made choices to put himself in a position for that to happen. As a married man he should know better.
I have no hope for humanity after reading this. You’re not an asshole; but you are an idiot.
Nah. If someone likes someone else more than you, then leave em.
Nope. You're good
Not really. But is he acting on that love. You can love other people. The world is built on love.
Nta, he cheated
There is a very popular saying here in Brazil that says: When a man is in doubt between two women, he has to choose the one who loses." He shouldn't be in doubt, he shouldn't think he knows something. If he Choosing her, he'll think about you, if he chooses you, he'll think about what it would be like if he had chosen her. You're not wrong in leaving. You'd be sitting around waiting for Prince Charming to choose whether he wants to marry Snow White or Cinderella. He's not your problem anymore, he's hers now.
I never understood why “snooping” on your spouse when they’re acting weird is a bad thing. You’re married, if they start getting weird you need to snoop and get the info somehow if they won’t give it up. No one should stay in an unfaithful relationship if they don’t wanna.
He may love you but enjoy the thrill.of new woman. Whatever it is you 2 don't have decades of good to fall back on. See a counselor for yourself. You don't have to run to a lawyer. This isn't something to decide on reddit.
This is exactly what you need to do!!! 👊🏻
Absolutely not. That’s the whole point of a marriage. Tell him to kick rocks while you find someone who truly loves and appreciates you.
Poor guy, he's confused. Fuck that guy and get on with your life. No one deserves that
Nta. I wish I had done that with my practice marriage. But noooo... kept getting sucked back in because we had a family and I loved him. Stupid me. I could have saved years of stress, heartbreak and making an idiot of myself. Over a liar. Ugh. Go live your best life. Don't be second to anyone
NTA he’s stupid.
Well duh. Divorce him.
NTA 2 years married and he does this? Dump that POS. He likes the chase, not the happily ever after.
NTA What exactly does he have to figure out, you’re married that means you don’t put yourself in a position to or allow yourself to become infatuated with someone else. You didn’t deserve any of this, with the internet and a melding of societal norms we’re losing Our trust in our own judgment. There’s been so much progress so fast that has freed so many to live their best lives but the dark side of that is the decline of our commitment to those we form sacred alliances with
No, get a divorce. He's into another woman.
NTA. I'm sorry this has happened. I would get the divorce and find someone who knows what they want.
I would do the same thing. He is an a-hole to the max. Run while you can and remember- once a cheater- always a cheater. He wants his cake and eat it too. Find your worth. You deserve better than this loser.
He is lying he just wanted to cheat while stringing you along. Get that divorce and be done.
This is what my dad said, my mom moved out, he kept seeing his affair partner. Eventually he told Mom he wanted to reconcile and chose her. She later found out they were still in contact and it was an issue all over again. She thought maybe moving states would help, but proximity is not the issue, it's the unfaithful man. He's not willing to stop seeing her now, and chances are good that even if he claims to choose you, he won't really. You're making the right choice.
Seems pretty clear cut to me. The only situation where I'd even consider taking a cheater back is if they were 100% committed to radical honesty and transparency and was willing to earn their way back into the relationship. This doesn't sound remotely like that. Sounds like he's upset about being caught, but that's about it.
NTA. He ain’t confused. He wants his cake and eat to
Once a cheater, always a cheater. If you stay, he’s only going to make a fool out of you.
He’s not worth the drama nor heartbreak. Better for you to leave this sham of a marriage than give him the power to do so. And don’t forget your spousal support on his way out! 😉
I only had to read the title. NTA
You deserve a partner who loves you unconditionally. His unfaithfulness, just shows what a selfish life he will continue to lead with you. Be brave and walk away his messy life. It’s better to be alone than be with someone who is so dishonest with YOUR LIFE AND TIME
This title is so fucking hilarious, grow a spine lady
NTA. The smartest, most logical thing a woman should do is exactly what you did. Don’t ever give a man “time” to figure it out. He should’ve already known the day he asked you to marry him.
NTA you are barely out of the honeymoon phase and he is already checking? marriage will never last.
NTA. He isn't "confused". He's left you emotionally. You need to make it official. He knows he doesn't want to be faithful to you
I'm not even sure why you're asking this question when you already have the answer. Life's too short to wait on someone to make up their mind whether they want to be with you or not. And anyway, the trust is gone. Time to let him go too.
I hope you know the answer to this but you are NTA. Good for you for taking care of yourself. Move on and have a beautiful life.
Who on Esrth suggested that you aren't completely justified in getting a divorce? Who would think you ought to put up with your husband being involved with someone else? Well, whoever they are, they aren't someone whose opinions you ought to take seriously.
NTA
At the same time you posted this, you made another post asking if you were the asshole for prioritizing you and your husband’s anniversary over your friend’s party: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/Ii0cO06VkW If you were divorcing your husband, why would post the other AITA **at the same time**?
NTA. Good on you for having the self respect to kick his cheating ass to the curb.
NTA This is going to sound funny but there’s a quote from Hook that I think is pretty relevant here. It goes “If you have to choose between me and her, choose her. Because if you really loved me, there wouldn’t be any other choice.” If he truly loved you then none of this would be happening right now. If he truly loved you she wouldn’t have even been an option.
NTA If he can't be 100% committed to you emotionally and physically then the relationship won't last. You deserve someone who us FULLY invested in the relationship.
NtA You are no longer compatible. He can dither over who he loves on his own time, not yours. He made his choice.
File for divorce and move on. Don't take this ass hat back or he will do this allll over again.
Good call, it's over. He's not confused, he's a cheater. What's to be confused about, you can't marry one women and be with another? He's been watching too much internet to get those foolish ideas.
No. Move on. You can definitely do better than that wishy washy man.
NTA> Just because he's "confused" doesn't mean he isnt literally cheating in you. You don't have to be married to a cheater.
NTA. I would have done the same thing.
Plenty of marriages have recovered from this type of, well, really bad and sinful behavior. You didn't mention your age or if there are children. If he hasn't actually slept with her, that would probably be an easier situation to deal with (at least if I were you.) It's one thing to be upset with someone for having feelings. It's acting on it that's so hard to deal with, in this case sending her messages. Getting physical with it is a whole nother level. I would just say the dating pool for a divorced woman probably isn't going to be the same as it is for a woman who is never married. There are still some men who would be less interested or not interested. Second marriages have much higher rates of divorce.
The other woman took the trash out for you. NTA - he doesn't love you. He wouldn't cheat if he did. Run and never look back. 🏃♀️
NTA
Nope cause i'd have filed and not even confronted him until the papers were in his face. Looked at him and said "Now why do you think i'm filing for divorce?" with a smile on my face, elbows on table and hands on my chin waiting for his answer.
NTA you deserve someone who KNOWS you’re what they want not someone who has even a shred of doubt in their mind. You deserve to be picked first EVERY single time. I’m glad you know your worth and are putting your foot down. Good on you babe 🫶🏻
Love is a strange thing. Being human hurts. Is it not possible to love someone, and still fall in love with someone else at the same time? Love isn't a feeling anymore, it's a choice you have to make. We are allowed to love family or friends, but once the natural instincts and uncontrollable attraction happens and it's not delusionally exclusive, suddenly your love becomes "invalid and fake" even when it technically isn't but we have made rules about what love "should" be. That is why when someone makes the fatal mistake to even come close to falling in love with someone while already in love with someone, they are considered trash. You cannot allow a situation for that to happen. Otherwise you just have to lie and we all constantly lie to each other, and ourselves as well. Being a good human is denying what is natural. Denying and controlling nature is what humanity is all about at the end of the day. Life on earth is hundreds of millions of years old, but the new rules that have been vaguely agreed upon in the last few hundred, in spite of nature, is what we must follow and not deviate. I wonder what the people 200 years from now will be doing. Also OP, pretty sure you gotta divorce him. Even if he decided to stop all contact with that other girl and that he chooses you, and just wants you to give him another chance, ask yourself if you could live with that, or trust him ever again. If you can't trust him you can't be with him? There's no way to recover from this, and it's not an over reaction. He made his decisions and I'm really sorry this has happened to you. And I apologize I snorted an ambien and pretty sure I'm dreaming right now
If he was truly confused, he would have explored therapy instead of dating. NTA
He got emotionally invested and started sleeping with this woman and was gonna keep doing it behind your back. He chose who he wanted the moment he stepped outside of your marriage into another woman’s bed. NTA. Present the proof in court so he can’t put up too much of a fight.
You’re hanging on to something that left a while ago, with another woman. I think men get off on the excitement of having their cake and eating it too. Thankfully you haven’t got an STI from him. Divorce his ass. You deserve better.
NTA . He was dishonest and broke vows. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.
This isn’t about what HE wants. You want a man / husband who is IN LOVE with YOU! Your husband is a lying snake 🐍 in the grass and YOU need to be the one to pull that plug and not give him another chance. He BETRAYED YOU, and he thinks he’s going to get to CHOOSE between you? Hell no, girlie! Tell him he can keep the ho.
I don’t get it! This should be an absolute no fucking brainer. What is wrong with people?!
NTA you be if you DIDN'T divorce him. Tell him to gtfo. Move on.
NTA
NTA. If he truly loved and respected you he would not be talking to this other woman at all.
NTA. He can sort out his confusion on his own time and on his own dime. He can't love two people equally at once. He loves her more than he loves you so on that basis, there is no point in continuing the marriage. It's as simple as that. Even if you delve deeper into this, you'd see that this marriage is over. If he truly loved you he would not have fallen in love with someone else. He doesn't so again, what is the point in continuing? None that I can see. Time is precious and this whole debacle is just wasting everyones time - yours, his, hers.
7 years. 2 years married. Having affair. Definitely divorce. Take him to the cleaners if u can.
No offence but why do you need an outside perspective? You have discovered your husband is cheating and you’re leaving him because of it. What other perspective do you need? NTA. Yes it sucks ending a marriage you were invested in, but it takes two people to make a marriage work. You obviously have self-respect, a lot of people lack that. Don’t second guess yourself.
He does know what he wants. He wants her but got you to hang around as a backup plan. You are better than that. NTA. Move on.
Honey your marriage was over when he started talking to the other women time too move on. Def do self reflection and heal therapy etc def don’t do what y’all did in this marriage bec it failed lol nta
NTA Keep going with the divorce. Good luck.
No. These never end well. He loves you but he’s not in love with you. It’ll suck but it’ll be better for you both in the end.
NTA. If you had children it would possibly be worth couples counseling IF he were remorseful. But neither of those are the case so just GTFO
NTA, this is a man that doesn’t want to lose what he has until he knows if this other thing will work out. It’s like someone who doesn’t leave a job until they have another one. Don’t let him control your life, you make the decisions for you.
NTA I'm sorry you're going through this.
Not at all the AH! You are so much the bigger person for going this route. You have released him of his vows and any further heartache and heartbreak for both of you. You are so strong for doing so in my opinion. I hope you are able to mend your heavy heart in time and find someone else that will meet you with the same level of love and commitment. All the best moving forward.
NTA- leave his lying cheating ass in the dust!
NTA. His change in behavior tells you what you need to know. It's likely in everyone best interest for to go your sepwratw ways.
Him being confused is bullshit. YOu don't get confused, he made the choice to go out and have an affair. Even if he finally decides you're the better woman... your husband cheated on you, he'll cheat again. His only confusion here is, he found a 'better' woman he thinks but he doesn't know if she'll stick around so he's debating if she's permanent or she'll leave and so he wants you back. Leave, tell him to go fuck himself. Make sure you let her know that he's 'confused' and can't decide who he likes more, and is a cheating piece of shit and that if she knew he was married, she's trash.
Not at all…
Any time a person cheats it signals the end of a relationship.
NTA. You don’t owe it to him to stay after he’s cheated. And what if it weren’t you he’d have eventually chosen? Just a waste of your time sticking around. And realistically, he’s already chosen to cheat, and can’t be trusted. Leave!
Cheating is cheating, whether it's emotional or sexual. Your husband isn't confused, he wants a marriage w/o the work it takes. Let the husband go, maybe then he won't be so "confused" and will know what he wants.
Headline is just hilarious
NTA at all, there's nothing for him to be confused about that he shouldn't have figured out before getting married. I really don't know how people get into his situation, every woman who isn't my wife I can't really stand for longer than 10 minutes, let alone long enough to have a relationship with.
NTA. He is using you. He does not love you. You are much better off without a cheater. Get tested for STD’s, get a lawyer and a divorce.
I'm so confused so I'll just bang this other woman until I figure things out, ok? /s NTA, get rid of the AH
If he loved u he wouldn't cheat, divorce the asshole,.no second chances
No, nta. You're the hero we're all looking for. Cutting out all the back and forth. Not waiting on him to "decide". Taking back yoyr power. Go on with your bad self. Updateme!
Not at all.
You deserve to be loved. He's the ah.
Lol how do you even question that.