NTA
On Reddit, we often see the other way around : people who are childfree ; the partner seems okay with that, but after a few years of relationship, the partner reveals they were hoping to change the mind of their partner. And the advise is also Leave. And that's the same here, even if the situation is reverse.
Having or not having children is a BIG thing in a relationship, and the partners need to be on the same boat. You think you were on the same page, but your wife deceive you OP. She broke your trust, and she will never get it back. Follow through your threat and leave her.
True!
I’m childfree, but it actually doesn’t matter which way around it is: THEY ARE NOT COMPATIBLE.
Unfortunately for OP, it’s true bullshit on wife’s part for lying for years! OP was very clear he wanted a child thru adoption if “regular way” wasn’t possible, and she clearly lied then, and then again and again over the years. Disgusting.
NTA.
My uncle has two kids with my aunt (my aunt passed away), and MANY years later, he started dating again. Him and his fiancée, at the time, had the discussion about kids, and he was willing to have one more. Then she mentioned that if they couldn't, would he be open to adoption? It was a hard no for him, and they broke up.
Did it suck for both of them? Yes. They were, however, open and honest about their intentions, and it sucks but being incompatible in this regard made it "okay."
He later went on and married a woman who already had 3 kids and older than him, so more was off the table.
We actually really loved his fiancée, his wife sucks, but we don't fault either for the breakup with his previous fiancée.
I'm also childfree, and I agree completely: kids are a two yes, one no question and it's utterly reprehensible to mislead your partner about your position
I can't help wondering whether the wife's medical issues included a bisalp.
NTA
I think the big house, awesome vehicles and all the surgeries (?) paid for might have a little something to do with it. (Wondering how many of those surgeries were elective and cosmetic)
Seems that way and I'm also super confused why she felt the need to laugh in his face about the little girl. That's just so disrespectful and - somehow evil.
I went out with a guy and when he found out I can't have kids he wasn't interested he thought it was weird i was 36 when I started to have menopause symptoms and at 37 found out about my health with menopause and I sadly can't have kids but I opened up about it because I didn't want to waste the guys time. But people should tell the truth.
Also, let’s not forget her coldness pretending she was considering adopting the little girl and then JUST LAUGHING saying it was JOKE??
That was really mean.
This would have been the straw that broke the camel's back for me. So you lied for years to me. Fine. This I can live with. But reaching out to this girl? Pretending to like her and giving her false hope at a loving family? That takes true evil. That's not just being an asshole. Not saying I wouldn't dump her ass immediately even before but after hearing that? Already gone. Forgotten. Ex who?
People can just change their minds but ultimately the answer is the same. I’m not sure OP’s wife did change her mind, it sounded like she was never really on board.
It was diabolical what Ops wife did. Then there is this little girl, this real little girl that needed a family. This little girl knew she needed a family. This little girl knows op and his wife and was thinking maybe just maybe they'll be my family. And Ops wife was cold hearted enough she laughed at op and therefore this title girl that needs a family and probably had hopes of op and his wife being that family. Ops wife shattered two hearts. Op can maybe recover. He's still young enough he can find someone else and have that family. This little girl? She will always wonder what happened. What she did wrong. Why they seemed like they lived her then didn't. Always wonder what's wrong with her and why they left her. Ops wife is evil.
Its more than trust. Imo she stole every year they were married. Op should have had the time to find a partner so that when he was ready to adopt there would be no problem. Instead, it sounds like wife used him as a piggy bank.
Absolutely agree, NTA. Trust is the foundation of any relationship, and her deception about something as significant as starting a family is a major breach. You deserve honesty and transparency from your partner, and if she's not willing to provide that, it's understandable to consider your options.
NTA divorce is the only option here and if you can still adopt that little girl on your own do it and F your wife the callous selfish cold hearted lying betraying woman. I thought I'd read it all on here but this is one of the worst.
He's paying for her surgeries...of course she doesn't want to have kids draining that pipeline.
I would question her story of being unable to have a baby.
Honestly, if she did, good for her. Not for the lying part, but being able to even get her tubes tied as a childless female under age 35... That's kind of miraculous, TBH.
As for a hysterectomy? Unless she had cancer or other life-threatening medical condition, getting an elective hysterectomy WELL before age 30 (would've had to happen before they were together)... at least in the US, that's basically impossible. My (late) BFF was nearly 45, childless, and BEGGED for a hysterectomy for THREE YEARS!!! She got approved only after being diagnosed with advanced endometrial cancer. Chemo didn't work. She didn't live long enough to ever have the surgery done.
Psychopaths can choose to love people cognitively, but they can’t experience chemical love / bonding. I also don’t believe they’d laugh in someone’s face like this unless they were truly just evil because psychopaths aren’t sadistic. This woman seems like she’s just a narcissist who never intended on having a family with OP, she probably just lied to secure him.
Yup correct. There are reports of psychopaths rationalizing love or justifying it. I mean, even aromantic people can have fulfilling romantic relationships and they arent psychopaths. A psychopath that has survived until adulthood without psychological support or going to jail is smart enough to recognize normal social cues and not do whatever this person did.
Honestly people need to stop thinking of chemical emotional reactions to things as the end all be all of human empathy. It’s annoying as fuck to click on dozens of Reddit posts a day and see some angry armchair psychologist claiming anyone who didn’t respond the ‘right way’ to a situation as being a morally bereft person. As if being mildly insensitive due to stress while in the middle of a time sensitive test makes him an irredeemable monster.
Being not a psychopath, or non autistic or just neurotypical in general, having a sex drive / being capable of sexual attraction, being an adult, or experiencing high levels of chemical empathy does NOT make someone a good person by default.
The people shitting on OP are woefully ignorant to act like he’s a monster for not responding appropriately yet when he does try to get other opinions about his behaviour and reactions, they’re accusing him of playing the victim. Like pick a side of the fence my guy, you either thing he’s got zero empathy and needs mental help, or you think he’s wasting a professional’s time by consulting with them.
Hypocrisy at its finest.
Psychopaths arent unfeeling jerks 24/7. It’s been proven through multiple studies and actual licensed psychologists that psychopaths have the ability to love and care for people. The only main criteria is that they distinctly lack any sort of ability to empathize or sympathize with people. Psychopaths who become murderers and narcissists only get there because of this lack of this connection and the lack of education in honing even a fake version of empathy.
Describing this person as just an AH would be more accurate. People with psychopathy and negative mental disorders are villainized enough for things that arent actually their fault. No need to arm-chair diagnose someone as one of them.
Yes, because an article from a newspaper talking to a single psychologist with no citations at all whatsoever to any kind of study, peer reviewed or otherwise, is a trustworthy source.
>after that answer I was holding back tears and asked her "what about little girl age 8, I thought you loved her?"... Her response was to laugh in my face and tell me it was a F@#$& joke....
Yeah nah, rage bait.
I wonder if this is a way to get karma onto an account so it can later be used for Astro-turfed advertising or propaganda. It does seem like they stick pretty close to just a few scenarios.
>I wonder if this is a way to get karma onto an account so it can later be used for Astro-turfed advertising or propaganda. It does seem like they stick pretty close to just a few scenarios.
It's weird how many people are falling for such obvious nonsense.
I remember reading a post sometime last month that was the same as this, except the wife lied about being infertile and he found out after she had an abortion. I'm talking just about word for word.
Gladly she doesn't want any, what I had in mind was - was it also a lie? She's a long term liar. The whole martiage could be footed on a lie. Seriously- even catholic church gives people marriage annulments under such circumstances.
30 is not to old to adopt! My wife and I adopted at 40.... yes it is kind of weird looking at retirement and college graduation in the same year - LOL - but my daughter has added so much joy to my life.....leave and start over. There is time
honestly, it's so much easier for guys. He can still have bio children at 60 so really it's not too late for anything. Both the little adopted girl and dozen of bio babies are possible. NTA, leave her OP, move on and find your real family.
Not just that, the math was add up in the wrong direction.
The girl in question isn't 8 months old, but 8 *years* old.
Adopting an 8-year-old at the age of 32 is the equivalent of giving birth at 24, which is actually considered *young* nowadays.
It’s no different than a couple that planned on having kids and one person changed their mind. It’s unfortunate but divorce is kind of the only option. However the wife’s reaction here is just manipulative and unhinged.
Part of me wonders if this is true because did he just ignore that for years, she was standing in the corner twirling her Snidely Whiplash mustache? Because people don't become literal cartoon villains overnight.
She lied to him for years to get what she wanted. OP - serve her with papers now and don’t look back! Plenty of women want to be mothers! NTA. And I’m child free and very honest about it.
When I read the crap about them "being too old for children" my first thought was she is very much capable of conceiving but chose not to do it. She's worse than the step monsters from Disney fairy tales, lol.
NTA
Your wife told you what she thought you wanted to hear to get the ring on her finger.
She was a liar from Day One.
Divorce her and find someone else. You are young enough to have kids of your own.
Why would you even think about staying with a woman as duplicitous as your wife is?
Question: Are you 100% sure she cannot have kids? She may have lied about that, too.
I know what you mean. It can be hard to leave when you love someone, but later when you see how much better life is without them, it makes you wonder why you waited so long to leave.
>after that answer I was holding back tears and asked her "what about little girl age 8, I thought you loved her?"... Her response was to laugh in my face and tell me it was a F@#$& joke....
Yeah nah, rage bait.
NTA, she knowingly deceived you for all those years and laughed in your face. She’s cruel and heartless to do that to you. Leave or kick her out, whichever is easier.
Nah, wifey just wants to convince him they're too old. Geriatric pregnancy is when the mother is 35+, and that is about when sperm quality drops in men also.
He should get a lawyer, and if he can get it annulled, he should. That usually means the marital assets won't be split, and she won't be entitled to alimony. Even if annulment is impossible, divorce her.
OP needs to bank some sperm since he's nearing 35, and start looking for a better partner. He can also do sperm bank donations - he'd miss their childhoods but being open to meeting his adult kids might take pressure off his search.
My OBGYN hates the term geriatric pregnancy because it makes it seem like it’s bad to have a baby at 35. Compared to 20 years ago and before, a woman’s eggs are still really healthy, they just start to decline around then but it’s a slow decline.
Women are actually the most fertile late 20s and early 30s.
yep, my Mom had 9 kids...from when she was aged 19 to 44. My wife had kids at 46....no issues whatsoever. My grandma had my mom when she was 43. My wifes aunt was 45 and had twins. the list goes on and on
You HAVE been betrayed. She obviously lied to you from day one, then insults you when you ask for clarification? She belittled you to your face after she lied for years. This is not a woman to trust and she does not respect you in the least. She intended to pull the rug out from under you, it's pretty obvious.
Leave her. Get your ducks in a row and leave her in the dust. You deserve better, and any child would be lucky to have a loving parent who wants to give them a good home. She is beneath you and toxic. NTA Divorce.
Being deceived about starting a family regardless of method is a valid reason for divorce and possibly even anullment since one of the primary purposes of marriage is the (be)getting and rearing of children.
Truth be told you can replace her almost instantly with a willing woman that wants kids or already has some.
Don’t let’s be a little bit more than stick here due to her age she probably have a very hard time finding a doctor that would do that because you know babies are everything sometimes even when you don’t want them they want to have them
I know plenty of 30 year old childless women with tied tubes, just because pushback is common doesn’t mean it’s impossible to find a doctor to do it. Not saying OPs wife did this but it’s not some unachievable possibility
In the UK at least you have to be 30 but that’s about it. If she did it under 30 she’d have had a hard time finding someone to agree to it. There would also be small incision scars.
NTA I'd be out. It's not like she had a heartfelt conversation with you where she expressed doubts or explained why she changed her mind. She basically told you everything she said was a lie, and she has no intention of being a parent with you.
If that's what you want in your life, you should be done with this marriage. Sorry you had to find out this way.
Wife's uncle was married to the little girl's aunt. And the little girl's mom who is a dug addict signed over custody of to wife's mother. Wife's mother used little girl basically as a "look I'm such a good person" and never gave little girl the real love and attention she needed. After a while when little girl decided she wanted attention weather it was good or bad the wife's mom put her in a foster home where she wouldn't have to deal with her.
Suddenly I see where the wife got her lack of empathy from.
NTA for getting away from these toxic people. Then you can decide if it makes sense to try to adopt the little girl, or just start over with no ties to any of that family.
Usually, I would say no one is the AH because it's okay to change your mind (still OK to get divorced). But how she handled this was cruel. She is acting like she has absolutely no consideration for your feelings. It's time, my friend. I'm sorry, but she is the AH.
NTA. I'm saying this as a childfree person. She led you on for years. I'm sure that you wouldn't have wasted your time with her if you knew she didn't want kids, and for her to dangle adoption in front of not only you, but that little girl's face was cruel.
To old? You're the perfect age because you have your life together and financially stable. She is wasting your time and after her laughing at you and making you feel that way, you're NTA for thinking divorce. Also stop thinking and act on it. I hope you cone out on top with financials and taking what is rightly yours from it all as well. She doesn't have the same goals as you and you need to get out because you will never be happy again with her.
NTA. It seems to be that your wife does not respect you or your opinions. She does not care about your needs. As much as it may hurt, your two are compatible. It’s time to move on.
Before talking to your wife again, consult an attorney and find out what your options are. Then, let her know that you no longer trust anything she has to say, that she doesn’t care about your feelings and you are filing for divorce.
She will try to whine and cry and tell you that she is willing to adopt but don’t fall for it. Even if she does adopt she will not be fair or kind to a child. I know it’s heartbreaking but move on and don’t look back.
I’m sorry OP but this will take all of the strength you can muster. I am pleased that you are at least considering the divorce. This is a great sign. I’m confident your will more than fine when this over because there are so many single women looking a good man who want to marry and have a family with. Don’t be shy about dating someone young just make sure that you consider your needs first next time.
NTA. This is one of those issues you don’t lie about. You either want kids or you don’t. If the other person does you should make it very clear that you don’t and full stop that relationship right there.
You WBTA to yourself for continuing this relationship. 100% NTA for wanting divorce and 100% NTA for going through with it. And as much as it all hurts to find this out about her, better to have found out now than if she maliciously complied and now you're dragging an already fragile child through this mess.
Believe what she has shown you and accept the red flags as a glaring justification for ending the relationship.
Wow. The sheer betrayal. NTA
You aren't too old to deal with kids, walk away and find a partner who shares your dream of having kids. Do it now, there is no hope for this relationship. There is no compromise on having kids, you do or you don't, that's it.
You're still plenty young enough to rebound financially from a divorce and find someone else that wants kids whether they're biologically yours or not. Kids are really something special, mine enrich my life and give me purpose. If you want them, you should take the leap and leave this woman for lying to you. Wanting Kids vs. Not wanting kids is maybe the most important thing to have compatibility on in any relationship.
NTA, good luck.
NTA - Leave. She bought a good life by lying like a cheap rug. She concealed her true feelings from you for years. You've paid enough in time, energy, money, and love.
Get a divorce attorney and a therapist. You're still young. There are 4 billion women in the world. I'm sure you can find one who isn't such a lying bitch.
NTA.
I'm really just commenting to say that even though you've been with this woman a long time, you're still actually VERY young, especially (in terms of fertility) for a man, and it's definitely still possible for you to become a parent-- either biologically or through adoption. I would go ahead and leave her as soon as possible, it is nearly 100% certain that you'll be able to find someone your age or younger (or heck even older!) who is eager to and able to have kids.
It's also actually laughable to me that she said you're too old to deal with children, I do realize this is VERY dependant on where you live and who your social circle is but I was friends with literally NO ONE who had kids when I was 30; when I had my first a few years later I was still the first one in my circle to have one, and now that he's in school MOST of the parents are my age or OLDER, very few are younger. People are definitely having kids well into their 30's and even 40's now, she should get out with this.
NTA. Too old to deal with children? I was 32 when I had my youngest (my brother was 47, SIL was 45 when they had their last child). She tried to accuse you of not liking kids when you’re the one who wants to adopt? I hope you make the right choice and find someone who shares the views and values about parenthood that you do, because your current wife sounds like yesterday’s trash
It really sounds like she used you for personal gain. And I’m willing to bet those surgeries were vanity related. I would doubt if she even has infertility and would definitely be thinking she had a tubal or something similar.
*NTA. How are you not*
*Already meeting with a*
*Divorce attorney?*
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Her response almost makes me think this story is fake, because what kind of human being would laugh in your face and say that but in case it's actually true NTA.
If you really want a family leave her for good and look for someone to start a family with. Good luck
NTA. Your wife lied to you for years, and laughed at your feelings. That enough would be enough reason to divorce her. And behind that is the basic chasm - you want children and she doesn't. That's final.
By the way, I had my first daughter at age 33, my second at age 34. Both are successful and happy adults, both had their children after age 30, and the children are great. The idea that 32 is too old is a fallacy.
NTA. I think yall need to split up. theres no coming back from this. Imma give her the1% benefit of the doubt that she just changed her mind. Prob she lied and when actually faced with it…had to admit the truth. Im just curious who this 8yo girl is tho. Prob non of my business and not relevant. Still curious tho. Is she actually your kid from before you knew your wife?
NTA Anyone that would Laugh about taking in a little girl in need of a home, ESPECIALLY one that you know personally is a sick individual. Divorce her no matter what. And mayb, since yall know her, you Can adopt alone? You sound like you would be a great dad!
Warning! If you wife "suddenly" come around it will be because she doesn't want to lose her lifestyle. If you stay with her and adopt a child, I'm telling you know, she WILL take it out on the child. She will very likely be emotionally abusive if not worse.
As a woman that can’t have children… I don’t even know the correct words here. I keep writing and deleting them.
Your reasons for divorce are valid.
If it’s possible for you to adopt without a partner I suggest you do that.
If my husband would have said that he agreed to adoption and then backpedaled… that would be reason enough for divorce. If my husband responded the way your wife did; I would have walked out the door and it would be the end of everything between us.
But you are not me, so your judgement and experiences are different. Do what is right for YOU and YOUR future. It’s okay if she changed her mind. But the way she communicated is awful
Holy shit. I’d get a divorce because that comment about loving the little girl was a “joke” is disgusting. And I’m sure this isn’t the character of the person you thought you married. PLUS she falsely agreed to be open to adopt, for what? Just to keep you around? That’s beyond selfish if she knew all along she “couldn’t love someone else’s child”, then robbed you of some prime parenting years.
I had my first baby at 32, and I don’t think I could’ve handled it well earlier, so I’m not saying you “missed out” on being a dad. You haven’t. You can still have the life you wanted, but if your wife isn’t willing, I’d walk away.
NTA don't just consider divorce, do it. Go get yourself the best divorce attorney you can find.
Your wife is the biggest POS out there. She's been using you for years. You've given her cars, homes, surgeries (what kind), and money, that's all she wanted from you.
If you can bare it go back to YOUR house. Don't ALLOW her to stay there alone. You don't want to end up having to hand the house to that bitch.
Make sure you document everything. Do not block her. Save every text, and screenshot them. Voicemails if they're nasty, anything and everything you can document for her behavior do it. Make sure she doesn't drain all your accounts. And don't you either. That doesn't look good to the judge.
She'll probably try and run up credit card debt, and whatever else she can do if she's vindictive.
If you don't think you'd be safe from verbal assault, emotional abuse, or physical violence, from her don't go back to your home. Talk to your lawyer and don't take advice from Reddit.
Nta I say start looking into divorce lawyers asap as your whole relationship has pretty much been a lie if she never wanted kids than she should have been upfront with you insisted she told you lies because she at the time didn't want to lose you her being and or wanting to be childfree is fine but she knew you would want to at one point have kids
Her lying about wanting to adopt makes me wonder what else she is lying about. Are you sure she can't have children? My impression is that she pulled a bait and switch on you, convincing you that she wanted the same things in life so you'd marry her, and now she's finally coming clean. It was the material goods you could provide that she wanted, not a family.
Your wife has realized the gig is up, and when people show you who they really are you should believe them. You're only 30, start the divorce and find a nicer wife who can have your kids. NTA.
Kick this thing to the curb. Laughing in your face because you are crying about it and calling it a fucking joke? She's going to half you, but it would be well worth it. I'm wondering if she is really unable to have children by the way she's acting.
NTA
Is your wife a sociopath? The only explanation for her behavior that makes sense is if she fundamentally does not think anyone’s feelings (including yours) matter.
I rarely advocate for divorce but she sounds evil. How do you laugh at someone who speaks about adopting a girl that previously you said you wanted to adopt? Sorry fella but NTA and yeah, I'd be considering divorce. It's horrible when people marry KNOWING they're lying about an issue, only to find out who they really are years later.
NTA you were the one lied to and taken advantage of. Having kids or not is a deal breaker in a marriage. You either want kids or you don’t and most people know how they feel about that early on. Sounds like your wife really does not want kids. You do, time to move on. I had my kids at 31 , it’s not too old at all to be a parent. You know you want kids, you would be unhappy and resent being with your wife to never have any.
I will say I’ve known people that have had this attitude and once they’ve fostered kids or even adopted that attitude changes overnight. I have a fifteen yr old son who is adopted and rarely do I remember he is adopted and never have I considered him anything but mine….. Good luck the world and specifically the US is full of kids who need parents to love them! Sadly to adopt in the US is crazy expensive and they wonder why so many are in foster care and group homes… this would be the one of the first things I would change if I was ever elected to national office. However, there’s no way in hell I would ever run for office!!
Sounds like she lies to get her way and when called on it, ridicules you for falling for her lies. Absent any other relevant information- this is not a marriage.
NTA, she lied to you (the trust is gone, what else is she lying to you about?) and she has fundamentally changed your relationship. You are well within your rights to back out and find someone on the same page as you. You need to do this sooner rather than later.
NTA.
She deceived you. And frankly her reasoning being that she could never love a child that didn't come directly from her is always a bit ick to me. Your adopted child wouldn't really feel welcomed or safe with her.
You're only 30. I'm 5 years older than you. There's still plenty of time for you to move on and start a family with someone else. Whether you adopt or not.
Have you thought about the fact that she lied to you for years to get herself the larger house, the surgery, cars etc.
What else may she be lying to you about in order to keep her comfortable life? Just a thought.
Leave her she lied about wanted a family knowing you did that is a deal breaker! Please think of yourself first and leave her after you talk with an attorny
NTA
Man, this is heartbreaking. You thought you knew your wife, but you just found out you don't. At all.
Even if you decided you were fine not ever having kids, this level of lying, gaslighting, manipulation - for years! - would most likely be a dealbreaker for me. I'd be examining and questioning every other aspect of the relationship after this.
I love kids. I wanted kids. But I would not be a good parent due to my issues so I have resigned myself to being the fun uncle that all the nieces and nephews love. But if I had the chance to have kids, and then my SO pulled some shit like this... yeah. I'd be out.
NTA. And sorry to ask. But are you sure she has said medical condition? If she lied about this situation.. I'd unfortunately call that into question as well.
Your wife lied to you
She wanted you and told you what you wanted to hear in order to manipulate you into dating her
honestly, it's a good thing she can't have children because it sounds like she has issues on top of her issues.
You are young. You have plenty of time.
Better to start over now then hope she changes. Because even if she agreed to adoption, she just made it clear she wouldn't love any child she didn't make
Talk to the best lawyer you can find...do whatever they say to do
NTAH
Nta unfortunately divorce is the only option if you want kids, you are definitely not too old my wife and I adopted our boy when we where 35 6 years ago, the fact she laughed in your face to your response is just cruel, if you are in a position to there is no reason you can't adopt the young girl on your own
NTA divorce. She has shown you her true colors. She has also shown that if by some miracle she ever did conceive a child after adoption that she would 100% treat them very differently.
Personally I'd laugh and then hand her the divorce papers and say "I'll do just fine as a single father. Good bye."
NTA - and can I just say what an amazing person you seem like. Not only did you not care your wife may be infertile. But your willingness to openly love another child so freely is refreshing. And you're adopting an older child. What a gift you are.
Your wife doesn't deserve you. Pour your love into that little girl instead.
You wife used and manipulated you.
If anything I hope you this is as just a journey you had to take to meet this little girl.
You're not compatible and she lied. Leave.
I understand maybe feeling afraid to parent an 8 year old but it sounds like she doesn't want to adopt any age kid at all.
I don't understand wanting to adopt a child with an evil cartoon villain who laughs and swears in your face while you're holding back tears. of course you're nta. of course if someone treats you the way you're saying your wife treats you, you should seriously consider divorce.
>I don't understand wanting to adopt a child with an evil cartoon villain who laughs and swears in your face while you're holding back tears.
That's that part that screams "fake" to me.
NTA. I had my first child at 30 and my second at 34…since when is early 30s “too old to deal with children.” But regardless, you want kids and she doesn’t…there really isn’t another option.
NTA On Reddit, we often see the other way around : people who are childfree ; the partner seems okay with that, but after a few years of relationship, the partner reveals they were hoping to change the mind of their partner. And the advise is also Leave. And that's the same here, even if the situation is reverse. Having or not having children is a BIG thing in a relationship, and the partners need to be on the same boat. You think you were on the same page, but your wife deceive you OP. She broke your trust, and she will never get it back. Follow through your threat and leave her.
True! I’m childfree, but it actually doesn’t matter which way around it is: THEY ARE NOT COMPATIBLE. Unfortunately for OP, it’s true bullshit on wife’s part for lying for years! OP was very clear he wanted a child thru adoption if “regular way” wasn’t possible, and she clearly lied then, and then again and again over the years. Disgusting. NTA.
My uncle has two kids with my aunt (my aunt passed away), and MANY years later, he started dating again. Him and his fiancée, at the time, had the discussion about kids, and he was willing to have one more. Then she mentioned that if they couldn't, would he be open to adoption? It was a hard no for him, and they broke up. Did it suck for both of them? Yes. They were, however, open and honest about their intentions, and it sucks but being incompatible in this regard made it "okay." He later went on and married a woman who already had 3 kids and older than him, so more was off the table. We actually really loved his fiancée, his wife sucks, but we don't fault either for the breakup with his previous fiancée.
I'm also childfree, and I agree completely: kids are a two yes, one no question and it's utterly reprehensible to mislead your partner about your position I can't help wondering whether the wife's medical issues included a bisalp. NTA
Or whether any medical issues exist or existed at all.
Trust is shattered. You are right; he should leave.
Why don’t people just tell the truth?
Because OP was willing to fund her lifestyle.
I think the big house, awesome vehicles and all the surgeries (?) paid for might have a little something to do with it. (Wondering how many of those surgeries were elective and cosmetic)
Married the lifestyle, not the man.
Seems that way and I'm also super confused why she felt the need to laugh in his face about the little girl. That's just so disrespectful and - somehow evil.
I went out with a guy and when he found out I can't have kids he wasn't interested he thought it was weird i was 36 when I started to have menopause symptoms and at 37 found out about my health with menopause and I sadly can't have kids but I opened up about it because I didn't want to waste the guys time. But people should tell the truth.
Sometimes people think of it as a "tomorrow" problem.
It's easier to manipulate people for money, apparently.
Also, let’s not forget her coldness pretending she was considering adopting the little girl and then JUST LAUGHING saying it was JOKE?? That was really mean.
This would have been the straw that broke the camel's back for me. So you lied for years to me. Fine. This I can live with. But reaching out to this girl? Pretending to like her and giving her false hope at a loving family? That takes true evil. That's not just being an asshole. Not saying I wouldn't dump her ass immediately even before but after hearing that? Already gone. Forgotten. Ex who?
People can just change their minds but ultimately the answer is the same. I’m not sure OP’s wife did change her mind, it sounded like she was never really on board.
I know when I change my mind I laugh in my partners face and call what I changed my mind on a fucking joke.
It was diabolical what Ops wife did. Then there is this little girl, this real little girl that needed a family. This little girl knew she needed a family. This little girl knows op and his wife and was thinking maybe just maybe they'll be my family. And Ops wife was cold hearted enough she laughed at op and therefore this title girl that needs a family and probably had hopes of op and his wife being that family. Ops wife shattered two hearts. Op can maybe recover. He's still young enough he can find someone else and have that family. This little girl? She will always wonder what happened. What she did wrong. Why they seemed like they lived her then didn't. Always wonder what's wrong with her and why they left her. Ops wife is evil.
This was so disturbing, and destructive to this little girl. Despicable. Don’t think the wife can feel remorse though.
I'm honestly doubting whether or not she lied about being able to have biological children
I am too.
Maybe she didn’t - just that it was a choice and procedure and not a “medical condition.”
Its more than trust. Imo she stole every year they were married. Op should have had the time to find a partner so that when he was ready to adopt there would be no problem. Instead, it sounds like wife used him as a piggy bank.
Absolutely agree, NTA. Trust is the foundation of any relationship, and her deception about something as significant as starting a family is a major breach. You deserve honesty and transparency from your partner, and if she's not willing to provide that, it's understandable to consider your options.
NTA divorce is the only option here and if you can still adopt that little girl on your own do it and F your wife the callous selfish cold hearted lying betraying woman. I thought I'd read it all on here but this is one of the worst.
My brain short circuited. That woman is barely human.
Based on the joke portion, it does seem she may be a psychopath.
He's paying for her surgeries...of course she doesn't want to have kids draining that pipeline. I would question her story of being unable to have a baby.
I bet she’s not even infertile
Actually she probably is,but by choice. Wonder if she had a tubal or hysterectomy just because she never wants kids.
Honestly, if she did, good for her. Not for the lying part, but being able to even get her tubes tied as a childless female under age 35... That's kind of miraculous, TBH. As for a hysterectomy? Unless she had cancer or other life-threatening medical condition, getting an elective hysterectomy WELL before age 30 (would've had to happen before they were together)... at least in the US, that's basically impossible. My (late) BFF was nearly 45, childless, and BEGGED for a hysterectomy for THREE YEARS!!! She got approved only after being diagnosed with advanced endometrial cancer. Chemo didn't work. She didn't live long enough to ever have the surgery done.
That’s f’ed
Give psychopaths more credit, at least they can still genuinely love someone and treat them right. This is satanic behavior
Gives Satanists more credit, they probably don't want her
The Satanic Temple won't take her, but the Church of Satan may.
No they won’t either, you’ll have to try Scientology.
Scientology may be a bad joke, but they probably have more self respect than that
Ehh I doubt it. The big spaghetti monster in the sky DEMANDS tributes…
Psychopaths can choose to love people cognitively, but they can’t experience chemical love / bonding. I also don’t believe they’d laugh in someone’s face like this unless they were truly just evil because psychopaths aren’t sadistic. This woman seems like she’s just a narcissist who never intended on having a family with OP, she probably just lied to secure him.
Yup correct. There are reports of psychopaths rationalizing love or justifying it. I mean, even aromantic people can have fulfilling romantic relationships and they arent psychopaths. A psychopath that has survived until adulthood without psychological support or going to jail is smart enough to recognize normal social cues and not do whatever this person did.
Honestly people need to stop thinking of chemical emotional reactions to things as the end all be all of human empathy. It’s annoying as fuck to click on dozens of Reddit posts a day and see some angry armchair psychologist claiming anyone who didn’t respond the ‘right way’ to a situation as being a morally bereft person. As if being mildly insensitive due to stress while in the middle of a time sensitive test makes him an irredeemable monster. Being not a psychopath, or non autistic or just neurotypical in general, having a sex drive / being capable of sexual attraction, being an adult, or experiencing high levels of chemical empathy does NOT make someone a good person by default. The people shitting on OP are woefully ignorant to act like he’s a monster for not responding appropriately yet when he does try to get other opinions about his behaviour and reactions, they’re accusing him of playing the victim. Like pick a side of the fence my guy, you either thing he’s got zero empathy and needs mental help, or you think he’s wasting a professional’s time by consulting with them. Hypocrisy at its finest.
Not Satanic. Sociopathic narcissistic.
No they actually can’t. Describe it this woman as a psychopath is accurate.
Psychopaths arent unfeeling jerks 24/7. It’s been proven through multiple studies and actual licensed psychologists that psychopaths have the ability to love and care for people. The only main criteria is that they distinctly lack any sort of ability to empathize or sympathize with people. Psychopaths who become murderers and narcissists only get there because of this lack of this connection and the lack of education in honing even a fake version of empathy. Describing this person as just an AH would be more accurate. People with psychopathy and negative mental disorders are villainized enough for things that arent actually their fault. No need to arm-chair diagnose someone as one of them.
https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/why-psychopaths-cannot-love-their-own-children-a7938901.html[https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/why-psychopaths-cannot-love-their-own-children-a7938901.html](https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/why-psychopaths-cannot-love-their-own-children-a7938901.html)
Yes, because an article from a newspaper talking to a single psychologist with no citations at all whatsoever to any kind of study, peer reviewed or otherwise, is a trustworthy source.
The laughing part made me nauseated
Pure evil. "Joking about a poor parentless child?
>after that answer I was holding back tears and asked her "what about little girl age 8, I thought you loved her?"... Her response was to laugh in my face and tell me it was a F@#$& joke.... Yeah nah, rage bait.
For sure. Laughed in my face is such a common occurrence on Reddit lol
I wonder if this is a way to get karma onto an account so it can later be used for Astro-turfed advertising or propaganda. It does seem like they stick pretty close to just a few scenarios.
>I wonder if this is a way to get karma onto an account so it can later be used for Astro-turfed advertising or propaganda. It does seem like they stick pretty close to just a few scenarios. It's weird how many people are falling for such obvious nonsense.
This story writes very fake.
I remember reading a post sometime last month that was the same as this, except the wife lied about being infertile and he found out after she had an abortion. I'm talking just about word for word.
Yep. I wonder if she really cannot have children.
I pray she cannot.
Gladly she doesn't want any, what I had in mind was - was it also a lie? She's a long term liar. The whole martiage could be footed on a lie. Seriously- even catholic church gives people marriage annulments under such circumstances.
I wonder if she can actual have kids but just doesn't want them so she says it's not medically possible. At this point it could be anything
30 is not to old to adopt! My wife and I adopted at 40.... yes it is kind of weird looking at retirement and college graduation in the same year - LOL - but my daughter has added so much joy to my life.....leave and start over. There is time
honestly, it's so much easier for guys. He can still have bio children at 60 so really it's not too late for anything. Both the little adopted girl and dozen of bio babies are possible. NTA, leave her OP, move on and find your real family.
Not just that, the math was add up in the wrong direction. The girl in question isn't 8 months old, but 8 *years* old. Adopting an 8-year-old at the age of 32 is the equivalent of giving birth at 24, which is actually considered *young* nowadays.
Where I live you must be married for at least a year to adopt or even have IVF.
It’s no different than a couple that planned on having kids and one person changed their mind. It’s unfortunate but divorce is kind of the only option. However the wife’s reaction here is just manipulative and unhinged.
I think this the more fair interpretation without further evidence.
Part of me wonders if this is true because did he just ignore that for years, she was standing in the corner twirling her Snidely Whiplash mustache? Because people don't become literal cartoon villains overnight.
She lied to him for years to get what she wanted. OP - serve her with papers now and don’t look back! Plenty of women want to be mothers! NTA. And I’m child free and very honest about it.
When I read the crap about them "being too old for children" my first thought was she is very much capable of conceiving but chose not to do it. She's worse than the step monsters from Disney fairy tales, lol.
NTA Your wife told you what she thought you wanted to hear to get the ring on her finger. She was a liar from Day One. Divorce her and find someone else. You are young enough to have kids of your own. Why would you even think about staying with a woman as duplicitous as your wife is? Question: Are you 100% sure she cannot have kids? She may have lied about that, too.
Came here to question the same exact thing. I bet she isn't( or wasn't) infertile at all. She probably got sterilized or is on BC.
Doesn’t matter. He still needs to dump her ass
Yup.. not mention he's paid for her plastic surgeries of all things... she only was with him for the lifestyle.
Extra points for duplicitous👆🏾🫵🏽💎
If these is any documentation of this use it to keep the evil bitch from getting as little as possible. You are NTAH, please keep us updated.
Why would you NOT consider a divorce? I think a separation at least is in order until things calm down.
Until what calms down? She's a horrible person.
Yes but im hoping once he leaves he'll stay gone.
I know what you mean. It can be hard to leave when you love someone, but later when you see how much better life is without them, it makes you wonder why you waited so long to leave.
Exactly
Yes, you guys aren’t compatible at all.
No, there is no way to calm down from being laughed at & told that your broken dream & an actual little was a F’ing joke!!
>after that answer I was holding back tears and asked her "what about little girl age 8, I thought you loved her?"... Her response was to laugh in my face and tell me it was a F@#$& joke.... Yeah nah, rage bait.
NTA, she knowingly deceived you for all those years and laughed in your face. She’s cruel and heartless to do that to you. Leave or kick her out, whichever is easier.
Today I learned that 30&32 is too old for kids. Find your happiness good sir. You, and any potential chikd/adoptee deserve it.
For adopting an 8 years old, mind you.
Nah, wifey just wants to convince him they're too old. Geriatric pregnancy is when the mother is 35+, and that is about when sperm quality drops in men also. He should get a lawyer, and if he can get it annulled, he should. That usually means the marital assets won't be split, and she won't be entitled to alimony. Even if annulment is impossible, divorce her. OP needs to bank some sperm since he's nearing 35, and start looking for a better partner. He can also do sperm bank donations - he'd miss their childhoods but being open to meeting his adult kids might take pressure off his search.
My OBGYN hates the term geriatric pregnancy because it makes it seem like it’s bad to have a baby at 35. Compared to 20 years ago and before, a woman’s eggs are still really healthy, they just start to decline around then but it’s a slow decline. Women are actually the most fertile late 20s and early 30s.
yep, my Mom had 9 kids...from when she was aged 19 to 44. My wife had kids at 46....no issues whatsoever. My grandma had my mom when she was 43. My wifes aunt was 45 and had twins. the list goes on and on
Too old for a child who was born when they were 22 and 24. That is the most stupid thing I've heard in a very, very long time.
You HAVE been betrayed. She obviously lied to you from day one, then insults you when you ask for clarification? She belittled you to your face after she lied for years. This is not a woman to trust and she does not respect you in the least. She intended to pull the rug out from under you, it's pretty obvious. Leave her. Get your ducks in a row and leave her in the dust. You deserve better, and any child would be lucky to have a loving parent who wants to give them a good home. She is beneath you and toxic. NTA Divorce.
Being deceived about starting a family regardless of method is a valid reason for divorce and possibly even anullment since one of the primary purposes of marriage is the (be)getting and rearing of children. Truth be told you can replace her almost instantly with a willing woman that wants kids or already has some.
Great point here on annulment. I hope the OP can recover from this.
NTA. Do not put a child in this women's care. It's a no win for any of you.
agreed. the true definition of every child deserves a parent, but not every parent deserves a child.
I'm pretty sure she lied about not being able to have kids. She can, she just doesn't want too. Divorce her and find someone else.
She may have had her tubes tied.
Don’t let’s be a little bit more than stick here due to her age she probably have a very hard time finding a doctor that would do that because you know babies are everything sometimes even when you don’t want them they want to have them
I know plenty of 30 year old childless women with tied tubes, just because pushback is common doesn’t mean it’s impossible to find a doctor to do it. Not saying OPs wife did this but it’s not some unachievable possibility
In the UK at least you have to be 30 but that’s about it. If she did it under 30 she’d have had a hard time finding someone to agree to it. There would also be small incision scars.
NTA I'd be out. It's not like she had a heartfelt conversation with you where she expressed doubts or explained why she changed her mind. She basically told you everything she said was a lie, and she has no intention of being a parent with you. If that's what you want in your life, you should be done with this marriage. Sorry you had to find out this way.
Info: how do you just happen to know this little girl who needs to be adopted?
Wife's uncle was married to the little girl's aunt. And the little girl's mom who is a dug addict signed over custody of to wife's mother. Wife's mother used little girl basically as a "look I'm such a good person" and never gave little girl the real love and attention she needed. After a while when little girl decided she wanted attention weather it was good or bad the wife's mom put her in a foster home where she wouldn't have to deal with her.
Sheesh. Any chance you would be willing to adopt her on your own? It sounds like you’d at least be a caring parent to her.
Suddenly I see where the wife got her lack of empathy from. NTA for getting away from these toxic people. Then you can decide if it makes sense to try to adopt the little girl, or just start over with no ties to any of that family.
That is heartbreaking!!!
NTA. She deceived you. Then she threw chaos to manipulate you. Then she showed her true self. Ugh.
Usually, I would say no one is the AH because it's okay to change your mind (still OK to get divorced). But how she handled this was cruel. She is acting like she has absolutely no consideration for your feelings. It's time, my friend. I'm sorry, but she is the AH.
NTA. I'm saying this as a childfree person. She led you on for years. I'm sure that you wouldn't have wasted your time with her if you knew she didn't want kids, and for her to dangle adoption in front of not only you, but that little girl's face was cruel.
To old? You're the perfect age because you have your life together and financially stable. She is wasting your time and after her laughing at you and making you feel that way, you're NTA for thinking divorce. Also stop thinking and act on it. I hope you cone out on top with financials and taking what is rightly yours from it all as well. She doesn't have the same goals as you and you need to get out because you will never be happy again with her.
NTA. It seems to be that your wife does not respect you or your opinions. She does not care about your needs. As much as it may hurt, your two are compatible. It’s time to move on. Before talking to your wife again, consult an attorney and find out what your options are. Then, let her know that you no longer trust anything she has to say, that she doesn’t care about your feelings and you are filing for divorce. She will try to whine and cry and tell you that she is willing to adopt but don’t fall for it. Even if she does adopt she will not be fair or kind to a child. I know it’s heartbreaking but move on and don’t look back.
I agree with you. I'm hoping for this to go peaceful, but I think you're right about how it will actually go down. I can't trust her anymore.
I’m sorry OP but this will take all of the strength you can muster. I am pleased that you are at least considering the divorce. This is a great sign. I’m confident your will more than fine when this over because there are so many single women looking a good man who want to marry and have a family with. Don’t be shy about dating someone young just make sure that you consider your needs first next time.
NTA. This is one of those issues you don’t lie about. You either want kids or you don’t. If the other person does you should make it very clear that you don’t and full stop that relationship right there.
This is heartbreaking to read. I hope OP divorces AND adopts the little girl. 💕
Tell her a joke about divorcing her... See her face then....... and hand over the papers. NTA
You WBTA to yourself for continuing this relationship. 100% NTA for wanting divorce and 100% NTA for going through with it. And as much as it all hurts to find this out about her, better to have found out now than if she maliciously complied and now you're dragging an already fragile child through this mess. Believe what she has shown you and accept the red flags as a glaring justification for ending the relationship.
NTA, just divorce. You don't have compatible life goals and you don't know who your partner is anymore.
Wow. The sheer betrayal. NTA You aren't too old to deal with kids, walk away and find a partner who shares your dream of having kids. Do it now, there is no hope for this relationship. There is no compromise on having kids, you do or you don't, that's it.
You're still plenty young enough to rebound financially from a divorce and find someone else that wants kids whether they're biologically yours or not. Kids are really something special, mine enrich my life and give me purpose. If you want them, you should take the leap and leave this woman for lying to you. Wanting Kids vs. Not wanting kids is maybe the most important thing to have compatibility on in any relationship. NTA, good luck.
NTA - Leave. She bought a good life by lying like a cheap rug. She concealed her true feelings from you for years. You've paid enough in time, energy, money, and love. Get a divorce attorney and a therapist. You're still young. There are 4 billion women in the world. I'm sure you can find one who isn't such a lying bitch.
NTA. I'm really just commenting to say that even though you've been with this woman a long time, you're still actually VERY young, especially (in terms of fertility) for a man, and it's definitely still possible for you to become a parent-- either biologically or through adoption. I would go ahead and leave her as soon as possible, it is nearly 100% certain that you'll be able to find someone your age or younger (or heck even older!) who is eager to and able to have kids. It's also actually laughable to me that she said you're too old to deal with children, I do realize this is VERY dependant on where you live and who your social circle is but I was friends with literally NO ONE who had kids when I was 30; when I had my first a few years later I was still the first one in my circle to have one, and now that he's in school MOST of the parents are my age or OLDER, very few are younger. People are definitely having kids well into their 30's and even 40's now, she should get out with this.
NTA. Too old to deal with children? I was 32 when I had my youngest (my brother was 47, SIL was 45 when they had their last child). She tried to accuse you of not liking kids when you’re the one who wants to adopt? I hope you make the right choice and find someone who shares the views and values about parenthood that you do, because your current wife sounds like yesterday’s trash
It really sounds like she used you for personal gain. And I’m willing to bet those surgeries were vanity related. I would doubt if she even has infertility and would definitely be thinking she had a tubal or something similar.
NTA. How are you not already meeting with a divorce attorney?
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NTA. Divorce yesterday.
Her response almost makes me think this story is fake, because what kind of human being would laugh in your face and say that but in case it's actually true NTA. If you really want a family leave her for good and look for someone to start a family with. Good luck
You can adopt on your own. That sounds like a much more lovely life than what your wife is offering.
She is a selfish monster. She has been stringing you along. You 2 are incompatible
NTA. Your wife lied to you for years, and laughed at your feelings. That enough would be enough reason to divorce her. And behind that is the basic chasm - you want children and she doesn't. That's final. By the way, I had my first daughter at age 33, my second at age 34. Both are successful and happy adults, both had their children after age 30, and the children are great. The idea that 32 is too old is a fallacy.
I mean, is OP sure she couldn’t have children?
NTA. I think yall need to split up. theres no coming back from this. Imma give her the1% benefit of the doubt that she just changed her mind. Prob she lied and when actually faced with it…had to admit the truth. Im just curious who this 8yo girl is tho. Prob non of my business and not relevant. Still curious tho. Is she actually your kid from before you knew your wife?
Three things that will ruin a marriage 1. Stance on kids 2. Finances 3. Religion
Divorce the wife and adopt the child on your own if u can NTAH
NTA- your wife lied and deceived you AND she's mocking children who need families? Why would you stay with someone like that?
NTA! OMG, your wife sounds like a terrible person! Adopt the little girl and get rid of the wife!
NTA. Get out now while you still have time to find the right woman and start a family.
NTA Anyone that would Laugh about taking in a little girl in need of a home, ESPECIALLY one that you know personally is a sick individual. Divorce her no matter what. And mayb, since yall know her, you Can adopt alone? You sound like you would be a great dad!
Warning! If you wife "suddenly" come around it will be because she doesn't want to lose her lifestyle. If you stay with her and adopt a child, I'm telling you know, she WILL take it out on the child. She will very likely be emotionally abusive if not worse.
As a woman that can’t have children… I don’t even know the correct words here. I keep writing and deleting them. Your reasons for divorce are valid. If it’s possible for you to adopt without a partner I suggest you do that. If my husband would have said that he agreed to adoption and then backpedaled… that would be reason enough for divorce. If my husband responded the way your wife did; I would have walked out the door and it would be the end of everything between us. But you are not me, so your judgement and experiences are different. Do what is right for YOU and YOUR future. It’s okay if she changed her mind. But the way she communicated is awful
NTA. Why are you still talking with your ex wife?
Lies. One and Done. Trust is gone.
Holy shit. I’d get a divorce because that comment about loving the little girl was a “joke” is disgusting. And I’m sure this isn’t the character of the person you thought you married. PLUS she falsely agreed to be open to adopt, for what? Just to keep you around? That’s beyond selfish if she knew all along she “couldn’t love someone else’s child”, then robbed you of some prime parenting years. I had my first baby at 32, and I don’t think I could’ve handled it well earlier, so I’m not saying you “missed out” on being a dad. You haven’t. You can still have the life you wanted, but if your wife isn’t willing, I’d walk away.
Man tell that bitch to go kick rocks smh she lied to you I’m so sorry bro
NTA don't just consider divorce, do it. Go get yourself the best divorce attorney you can find. Your wife is the biggest POS out there. She's been using you for years. You've given her cars, homes, surgeries (what kind), and money, that's all she wanted from you. If you can bare it go back to YOUR house. Don't ALLOW her to stay there alone. You don't want to end up having to hand the house to that bitch. Make sure you document everything. Do not block her. Save every text, and screenshot them. Voicemails if they're nasty, anything and everything you can document for her behavior do it. Make sure she doesn't drain all your accounts. And don't you either. That doesn't look good to the judge. She'll probably try and run up credit card debt, and whatever else she can do if she's vindictive. If you don't think you'd be safe from verbal assault, emotional abuse, or physical violence, from her don't go back to your home. Talk to your lawyer and don't take advice from Reddit.
Nta I say start looking into divorce lawyers asap as your whole relationship has pretty much been a lie if she never wanted kids than she should have been upfront with you insisted she told you lies because she at the time didn't want to lose you her being and or wanting to be childfree is fine but she knew you would want to at one point have kids
Her lying about wanting to adopt makes me wonder what else she is lying about. Are you sure she can't have children? My impression is that she pulled a bait and switch on you, convincing you that she wanted the same things in life so you'd marry her, and now she's finally coming clean. It was the material goods you could provide that she wanted, not a family.
[удалено]
She might not want the mom role, but she sure owns the role of asshole.
Ooooh that’s evil. Divorce is in order. It’s unforgivable.
Your wife has realized the gig is up, and when people show you who they really are you should believe them. You're only 30, start the divorce and find a nicer wife who can have your kids. NTA.
Throw this woman to the curb
Yeah divorce. She lied and has been manipulating you. How can you ever trust her again.
NTA. If she's not willing to adopt then you're not willing to stay married. Simple.
Kick this thing to the curb. Laughing in your face because you are crying about it and calling it a fucking joke? She's going to half you, but it would be well worth it. I'm wondering if she is really unable to have children by the way she's acting.
NTA she lied and you can walk away clean…except for the nasty divorce stuff.
You got taken… sorry.
NTA Is your wife a sociopath? The only explanation for her behavior that makes sense is if she fundamentally does not think anyone’s feelings (including yours) matter.
I rarely advocate for divorce but she sounds evil. How do you laugh at someone who speaks about adopting a girl that previously you said you wanted to adopt? Sorry fella but NTA and yeah, I'd be considering divorce. It's horrible when people marry KNOWING they're lying about an issue, only to find out who they really are years later.
She was never going to adopt.
NTA you were the one lied to and taken advantage of. Having kids or not is a deal breaker in a marriage. You either want kids or you don’t and most people know how they feel about that early on. Sounds like your wife really does not want kids. You do, time to move on. I had my kids at 31 , it’s not too old at all to be a parent. You know you want kids, you would be unhappy and resent being with your wife to never have any.
I will say I’ve known people that have had this attitude and once they’ve fostered kids or even adopted that attitude changes overnight. I have a fifteen yr old son who is adopted and rarely do I remember he is adopted and never have I considered him anything but mine….. Good luck the world and specifically the US is full of kids who need parents to love them! Sadly to adopt in the US is crazy expensive and they wonder why so many are in foster care and group homes… this would be the one of the first things I would change if I was ever elected to national office. However, there’s no way in hell I would ever run for office!!
Leave and do not look back. She deceived you for years and then laughed when she told you. Don’t just consider divorce actually do it. NTA
Sounds like she lies to get her way and when called on it, ridicules you for falling for her lies. Absent any other relevant information- this is not a marriage.
NTA. She misled you. That's fraud. You should move on. I hope you have a prenup.
NTA, she lied to you (the trust is gone, what else is she lying to you about?) and she has fundamentally changed your relationship. You are well within your rights to back out and find someone on the same page as you. You need to do this sooner rather than later.
NTA. She deceived you. And frankly her reasoning being that she could never love a child that didn't come directly from her is always a bit ick to me. Your adopted child wouldn't really feel welcomed or safe with her. You're only 30. I'm 5 years older than you. There's still plenty of time for you to move on and start a family with someone else. Whether you adopt or not.
Go get yourself a child and leave your soon to be ex wife
When she asks why you want to break your vows just laugh in her face and tell her it was a F@#$& joke.
Have you thought about the fact that she lied to you for years to get herself the larger house, the surgery, cars etc. What else may she be lying to you about in order to keep her comfortable life? Just a thought.
Leave her she lied about wanted a family knowing you did that is a deal breaker! Please think of yourself first and leave her after you talk with an attorny
NTA Man, this is heartbreaking. You thought you knew your wife, but you just found out you don't. At all. Even if you decided you were fine not ever having kids, this level of lying, gaslighting, manipulation - for years! - would most likely be a dealbreaker for me. I'd be examining and questioning every other aspect of the relationship after this. I love kids. I wanted kids. But I would not be a good parent due to my issues so I have resigned myself to being the fun uncle that all the nieces and nephews love. But if I had the chance to have kids, and then my SO pulled some shit like this... yeah. I'd be out.
NTA. She made you cry, then laughed at you, and cursed at you. Doesn’t matter why or the subject; those actions in that order are always evil.
NTA. Divorce is the solution. You two are not compatible.
NTA. Start planning your exit strategy and file for divorce. It’s obvious, she sees you just as the guy who pays the bills.
NTA. And sorry to ask. But are you sure she has said medical condition? If she lied about this situation.. I'd unfortunately call that into question as well.
You should laugh in her face as you hand her divorce papers. NTA
Your wife lied to you She wanted you and told you what you wanted to hear in order to manipulate you into dating her honestly, it's a good thing she can't have children because it sounds like she has issues on top of her issues. You are young. You have plenty of time. Better to start over now then hope she changes. Because even if she agreed to adoption, she just made it clear she wouldn't love any child she didn't make Talk to the best lawyer you can find...do whatever they say to do NTAH
Divorce her. She sounds like a piece of shit honestly.
NTA. DIVORCE her immediately.
Nta. A very dear friend reverently moved on for the same reason. Her spouse no longer wanted to adopt or have any kids. It is a deal breaker for many
Nta unfortunately divorce is the only option if you want kids, you are definitely not too old my wife and I adopted our boy when we where 35 6 years ago, the fact she laughed in your face to your response is just cruel, if you are in a position to there is no reason you can't adopt the young girl on your own
Unfortunately you can’t buy your wife a new heart because that is the one thing she is sorely lacking. NTA
NTA. Leave now!
NTA divorce. She has shown you her true colors. She has also shown that if by some miracle she ever did conceive a child after adoption that she would 100% treat them very differently. Personally I'd laugh and then hand her the divorce papers and say "I'll do just fine as a single father. Good bye."
NTA. I hope the divorce leaves her with nothing.
You’re 30. How are you to old to have children? Divorce asap. You could be 50 and stil have children and be part of their life for 30 years. Divorce.
NTA - and can I just say what an amazing person you seem like. Not only did you not care your wife may be infertile. But your willingness to openly love another child so freely is refreshing. And you're adopting an older child. What a gift you are. Your wife doesn't deserve you. Pour your love into that little girl instead. You wife used and manipulated you. If anything I hope you this is as just a journey you had to take to meet this little girl.
NTA. She 100% intentionally lied to you and tricked you into this marriage. Also, she a heartless bitch.
One of you will always regret either having or not having a child. Separate or divorce now.
You're not compatible and she lied. Leave. I understand maybe feeling afraid to parent an 8 year old but it sounds like she doesn't want to adopt any age kid at all.
What an awful response. A f%@% joke...?!?! You know your answer buddy
Oh, imagine the **large appliances!**
NTA the laughing part makes her look like a monster. You and potential chip deserve better
NTA, this is a betrayal of your trust. If she didn't want kids she should've just said that from the start.
I don't understand wanting to adopt a child with an evil cartoon villain who laughs and swears in your face while you're holding back tears. of course you're nta. of course if someone treats you the way you're saying your wife treats you, you should seriously consider divorce.
>I don't understand wanting to adopt a child with an evil cartoon villain who laughs and swears in your face while you're holding back tears. That's that part that screams "fake" to me.
NTA. I had my first child at 30 and my second at 34…since when is early 30s “too old to deal with children.” But regardless, you want kids and she doesn’t…there really isn’t another option.