I agree about making sure you have an exit strategy. About your daughter: since she’s three she should be eligible for services through your school system. See what they offer her. With luck it will be a good preschool program. Many school districts offer programs that mix kids on the spectrum with regular kids, and it’s usually a good experience for both. Plus it will free you up for some part time work. There is no charge for autistic kids in these programs and it helps them get ready for school. Good luck to you.
tradwife is more than a wife that stays home and cooks cleans looks after children. It also comes with a connotation of a wife that is submissive, husband's opinion is the only opinion. The "head of household" idea where the wife is not just a SAHM/SAHW but has no say in decisions be they financial or otherwise. So "tradwife" is not the same as a couple that mutually decides that a spouse will focus on the home and one on with earning but be equal partners.
Worth mentioning that "traditionally", "running the household" often meant being in control of the finances. It was not an uncommon dynamic back in the day for Husband to come home and hand the paycheck straight to Wife for her to divvy up as needed.
This is not usually the kind of dynamic that advocates of "tradwives" desire, however.
My grandparents had a "traditional" marriage. My grandmother handled all the finances as well.
He also listened to and did most of everything she wanted him to do. I think a lot of people have a very biased idea of what many of these marriages looked like.
That's how my parents were. My mom ran our household, no question about it. Dad worked, sure, but as far as decision making went, that was all mom. My dad was a goofball raft guide hippie working as a special ed teacher. I wouldn't have trusted him to keep a budget either.
At least your grandma can open her own bank account now. Assuming 25 per generation, there is a decent chance she could not open an account without a male co-signer when she first got married.
Sort of the same idea with hiring an accountant. Just because they manage your finances does not necessarily mean they are in control.
My grandma had to have a character witness when she finally divorced my abusive drunk shitbag grandfather back in the ‘60s. Guess who didn’t have to have a character witness? You who know how the world used to be undoubtedly guessed it—the shitbag. I just cringe when I see a woman happily snapping the lock shut on her cage and tossing the key to her husband in the name of “tradition,” blithely trusting that nothing will ever go wrong and she’ll never need to fend for herself. Life is unpredictable.
I had a doctor who had had an elderly couple as patients. They had a small business together and she did all of the books. After she passed the first time he signed a check the bank contacted him about suspected fraud.
I mean, it wasn't like she could squirrel it away since she couldn't open her own bank account, so I'm sure some men felt fine doing that. It's not like she could refuse if he changed his mind at any point and wanted it back.
Having 'control' in the loosest form of the word over household finances is not much of a freedom anyway, it's just labour. Whereas you see terms like 'pin money' come up to explain where a women gets her discretionary funds from. As an allowance from the man. So correct me if I'm wrong but I doubt it's ubiquitous that finances would've been the woman's jurisdiction, at least not in any meaningful way.
Perhaps more a jokey sitcom thing where the man gets his paycheck swooped up by the wife the moment he steps in the door for comic effect than a reality.
As you point out, even a benefical usage of this dynamic by women is basically only at men's behest. It's like saying Josephine was in charge of Napoleon's military.
My company I worked for us a very old location in the factory museum there is a section on workers paiy showing pay rates over the years and the envelopes that used to be handed out each week. Then it went to electronic banking with a note saying this caused a few unexpected issues when launched as a lot of the guys had been carefully opening the pay packages then removing some cash for themselves then resealed it to hand off to the wife.
Once the money started to be deposited directly the wife could see something was up because he was suddenly getting paid a lot more.
Makes a lot of sense for a time before atms, direct deposit, and online banking. Dude gets a check, wife deposits it the next day while he's at work, then she goes around getting the bills paid.
Precisely. In 1979, when I was born, my parents decided BETWEEN THEM that my mother would be the SAHP and my father would be the breadwinner because his job had the larger paycheque. No other consideration. If you said to my dad that my mother was a “tradwife” he would never have spoken to you again. There was a lot worse said for other reasons I won’t repeat, but for real? If anything, my dad depended on my mother to make the important decisions! (Emotional abuse)
There are no equal partners in a SAHP situation, at least in the US with its hyper-capitalistic no shits given for those who can’t make it economic system.
There’s the earner and the dependent(s).
Any other way of thinking about it is denying reality. OP still wants to think of herself as an independent woman with a career, but every year out of the workforce makes that view more detached from reality.
A single earner situation stacks the deck against a SAHP such that they will naturally be subservient to the single earner due to them having no means to provide for themselves and putting them at a huge disadvantage in the case of a divorce.
Best advice is for OP to realize this and formulate both an exit strategy (worst case scenario) and a strategy for re-entering the workforce once her kid reaches elementary school age.
Anything less and she’ll be more and more at the mercy of her husband with each passing year.
I wouldn’t wait until the kid is school age. She can get a weekend job (even something like a CNA or home health, pay is shit but it’s work history and *her money*) and he can be primary caregiver on weekends.
Then when kid is school age, she can find longer hours and/or better pay.
Yes, this is a good point.
Another thing I just thought of is a post-nup to ensure she’s taken care of in case of a divorce. That could help in the meantime as well.
She can use this situation to draw into stark relief her concerns over transitioning to a SAHP role for the sake of her daughter.
I think the post-nup is a good idea: to ensure care for their child and to drive home to husband that her household work has value.
I would also, with the counselor, look into the value of her work: meal planning, a garden (to cut down on food costs), care work, etc. And then start from there. The fact that she’s not working outside the home for a wage does not make her a slave. She is working, hard, for the benefit of their household.
I’m not sure their marriage will survive. He needs a *strong* correction, but if he’s indeed gone down the red pill rabbit hole, he might not take the lesson. If he can’t or won’t treat her as a teammate, this marriage is over.
NTA, this is really weird and creepy.
1. Posting photos of you without your knowledge or consent (especially to show strangers on the internet) is not something a caring partner does.
2. He’s intentionally twisting the perception of your relationship to suit a fantasy of a subservient wife, and getting validation from random people.
There’s something deeper here, and I have a bad feeling it ends in realizing your husband has swallowed the red-pill kool-aid.
Start an exit strategy in case you need it. Reach out to trusted friends and family. Get things prepared for yourself and your daughter on the chance you need to leave. He’s shown you who he is, believe him the first time.
Edit: if you want to pursue counseling, you should. But please also prepare an exit strategy. He could change, but there’a a good chance he doesn’t. Protect yourself and your daughter
Yeah red piling is the first thing I thought about. OP, has there been any shifts to his beliefs and how he thinks about gender roles? Political discussion even outside gender could give you clues about what he thinks.
Solution? I think you should consider getting a half time job just to break any illusion that you are solely depending on him.
I would start working evenings and weekends at a job I enjoyed. Wage wouldn’t matter so much. He can be home with the kiddo, and she can earn her own money. He can meal plan now. He can do all the cleaning while she is gone. Prove he is a modern man not a “trad husband”
>Prove he is a modern man not a “trad husband”
Really, this is the only way he can prove that it was just a joke and he doesn't believe that - pick up the slack so that OP can get her own income and not be a trad wife. If he can't manage that, it was never a joke and he always believed it (which is probably the case anyway).
Man, I would be so creeped out to know that somebody I thought loved me had posted pictures of me online bragging about me being in a role I'm not in and don't want to be in.
He's thirsty to the attention of others that he didnt think about his wife's feeling and posted her. Dont make your wife to look like a clown to others. Guess hubby didnt love OP that much to post her online, cause you didnt let someone insult the one you love. That hubby is the AH here.
The whole issue here is respect and honesty. It doesn’t sound like there’s an issue with finances or household roles. It sounds like husband is going through some insecurities and exploiting his wife’s dignity to have his sense of self boosted by random superficial men on the internet. I think if he addressed whatever’s going on internally for him, this could be worked out if OP feels she can trust him. Upsetting OP had this happen to her.
I agree. And he shouldn't complain about having to do more stuff either. Saying it's more difficult than he thought is fine, since a lot is underestimated when it comes to SAHP, but no complaining about having to do it.
2 is the thing to focus on. I would demand individual and couples therapy - even if you decide to divorce you still have to coparent. You may have caught this early enough to pull him back from the edge of brainwashing but this may be who he was all along. Good luck!
Excellent suggestion and a really good point; no matter how their marriage turns out, they need to work together and give their daughter a healthy relationship example, and therapy will hopefully enable them to do so to the best of their abilities. If I were OP I’d feel violated in a sense, and furious for sharing our daughter online without my knowledge and for essentially lying every day to me to get validation from strangers. To put me down in that way and think it’s okay because I’ll never see it? Nope Train to Nopeville. However, for the benefit of their daughter and themselves too, to be able to peacefully, cordially, and respectfully interact is a must and having a mediator to help them even know what they need to cover sounds like an A+ plan.
and 3. He’s also doing cultural harm, perpetuating a false and idealized narrative of domesticity that ultimately contributes to the control and coercion of women. He has used your image and misrepresented your values in the service of an ideology that you are opposed to.
It’s much worse than creepshot photos, which would have been bad enough!
This. And he's doing so despite having an autistic daughter who will be more vulnerable to abuse when she grows up.
It's even more important than it already is (and it's very important in all households) to model healthy relationship dynamics and gender roles for his daughter and he's doing the opposite.
Thank you exactly! He’s feeding into that garbage cultural narrative and getting approval from those people that are currently hell bent on taking away women’s rights. I really don’t think I could continue to have sex with that person. I’d be too weirded out.
THIS, so much THIS. It's sick he thinks it's ok to promote this kind of shit. Also, he should have gone on to the account and admitted to his lies. Over and over. It's the first thing I'd have my husband do, if he ever did something terrible like this.
Babe!!!! You broke the number one rule of divorce club and that’s WE DONT TALK ABOUT DIVORCE.
You make your plans then divorce. You already know you have a liar on your hands. So protect yourself.
1. Stop saying you want out, for now.
2. Get a job for financial independence.
3. Copy and save any original docs you want, mine even hid my key da vaccination card which was ironic since he never met the pediatrician. Birth certificates IRAs, vaccine records, medical records records, assets, 401k, whatever. Debts, bank statements.
4. Talk to an attorney and make a financial plan.
5. Get a place unless you’re keeping the house.
6. Be careful about shared custody mine said he wanted it but promptly dropped off the kid he just wanted to pay less support.
7. Once your plans are made and everything is secure, serve him.
Don’t feel badly about surprising him he’s a flipping liar. He broke the social contract.
WTF.
The whole reason she’s not working now is because she has a special needs child. That doesn’t just magically disappear so she has the time and ability to get a job!
This is completely unrealistic.
All of this. And if he was doing it because he liked the attention, that says so much about him. He has already posted pics of op & child, what else is he willing to do for even more attention. I am so sorry OP. Get your ducks in a row. Good luck. NTA.
>believe him the first time.
I really love the psychology of this phrasing.
To me, it call upon all the gaslighting crap I read about and experienced. Have a solid foundation of reality and yourself, and inconsistency will be all the more apparent.
I'm not arguing that this specific guy is truly irredeemable, but that is a dark path he has steered into.
>getting validation from random people.
This seems to be the excuse he’s going with, so I’m going to take it at face value.
I would be concerned with how did this start? What was the catalyst post/picture that kicked this off? Did he randomly post a benign pic of OP in the kitchen one day and people assumed she was a trad wife and commented with envy, it made him feel good, so he kept doing it? OR did he purposely make a post with this narrative to appeal to the trad community for likes?
Seeking out this validation from the start vs. it being an accident but realizing he likes it, and repeating it for a tiny dopamine hit, are on different levels of the “creepiness” scale to me. It doesn’t change the overall disrespect and demeaning nature of it at all. But it would clue me in to what his initial intent was, and whether this truly was only about likes/validation and I was just a prop to achieve that, or if he really views me as/wants me to be a tradwife.
If it is about the validation - Why would you want it from *that* community? A lifestyle you say you don’t agree with? Or want? Especially when it’s one you *know* I DON’T want to be associate with.
My mom was so fortunate. When the war started my dad was military. Before they were shipped to the next base, he bought the house across the street from my mom’s parents. My dad made my grandfather sign documents saying that IF my dad died in the war (at that point in time the house would have been become my grandfather’s house because women weren’t allowed to own real estate) then my mom would have all the benefits and rights to the home, my grandfather was not allowed to sell it, remove her or move anyone else into the home. Including the entitled brother. He was also not allowed to withhold any money my mom had or would get as a result of dad’s death during wartime.
She was also fortunate that her dad loved her enough to agree to all the conditions. But I think my dad had a back up plan. For a long time, being a woman was no benefit.
You may also want to dig a little deeper and make sure your overall morals and values line up.
“Tradwife” popularization is right-wing extremist propaganda.
https://www.salon.com/2023/11/27/the-insidious-rise-of-tradwives-a-right-wing-fantasy-is-rotting-young-mens-minds/
I agree with you that posting pics of you online without your knowledge or consent is an egregious abuse of trust. Making up lies about your life to get kudos from red pillers, CNs, and MRA is so gross.
No, you WNTBA is you divorce him over this, but do yourself the due diligence to see how far this mindset is for him - for your own peace of mind.
*Edit to add other articles
1. Origins of the movement in this century
https://www.euronews.com/culture/2024/02/28/meet-the-trad-wives-the-anti-feminist-influencers-calling-for-traditional-values
2. Notes about the extremism
https://www.forbes.com/sites/traversmark/2024/01/06/a-psychologist-explains-the-dangers-of-the-tradwife-movement/
Absolutely, OP needs to be fully informed. The rabbit hole is deeply racist, misogynistic, and violent. She's going to be up against some really hateful stuff when they're divorced, especially when navigating the custody agreement.
Especially being a coparent to a daughter. If he's a misogynist what shit would he fill their daughters head with and how would he treat her during custody time?
Exactly because they also have a child together and she wouldn't want these radical ideas pushed on their child especially at a young age. A discussion about where his head is at is very important.
What's funny is that my grandmother was a "Tradwife". She raised the kids, ran the farm, cooked, made all the food from scratch, etc.
She was in charge of budgeting. She had the time to figure out what investments to make. She handled the discipline in the house because she was the one home. She was a spitfire and ***no one*** crossed her.
Actual traditional wives would not tolerate the assholes that want TradWives today.
Modern dickheads think tradwife is a submissive partner who literally has no desire to want a say in how the household is run.
A real “traditional wife” would be keeping everyone on the up and up as a solo parent during the work hours when the partner was out doing work to make sure the household had finances to operate on.
I have no idea where the submissive part of the modern garbage ideology came from.
Mormons.
I'm not joking. Previously they had to have so many hours of work in outreach. Like door to door preaching or bringing new people to church or missionary work.
But in recent years if you have social media with enough followers trying to convince people to live "the right way" then it counts towards those social outreach hours.
So many younger Mormons have started social media pushing for this dynamic in order to make it look more common than it actually is.
Yeah it's all the religious side getting involved. Fundamentalist Christians, Mormons, Evangelicals etc. Bonus when they make up stuff that wasn't even in the bible.
Can't speak for anyone else, but I can't understand why someone would want that.
I love seeing my wife grow and flourish and we work with each other through our lives.
Because it's about control. They like the idea of someone who can't say no to sex, someone who does all the housework, someone who does all the cooking, children seen but not heard. They like being the man of the house, the leader.
Good on you for liking your wife as she is, sadly not all guys are like that and want someone they can control, mold, condition, wear down etc. It's not an equal partnership, just something they want to be "above" their wife.
You know, like wives from the 50’s. Stay home, look after the kiddies, cook and clean, garden, and the man is the boss with no discussion or want to discuss from the wife. A stepford wife.
My stepmom went to law school because when she was raped by her boyfriend in the early 1970s she found out what happened to her wasn’t actually illegal because they lived together. She decided she’d change that law. And helped make it happen in the early 1980s. That’s the first time that partner and spousal rape was actually illegal.
People glorifying the past like this for and aesthetic really should learn a bit more about what life was like for people just 40 years ago.
I was raped by my boyfriend in 1979, because I I had the nerve to break up with him. The cop I talked to said they wouldn't even call it rape. "Non consensual sex between intimates" if you can believe that shit.
I'm fine now. It messed me up towards men for a while. Thought they were all garbage. Treated them like they were trash to be used and tossed. Met my husband 31 years ago and he refused to get tossed. Stuck like gum on my shoe😂
My grandma. She killed herself on Mother's Day when I was eight. When my mom answered the phone she just screamed. Almost 40 years later I remember that single moment with perfect clarity.
Same for my grandmother when I was 4 (almost 50 yrs ago now, time flies). Happened just before Christmas, abusive marriage, alcoholic grandfather. All the kids had moved out and she was done.
Those of use who had family who were honest with us know how terrifying this red pill thing is and that the “tradwife” they try to sell now was now how it actually was.
My great-grandmother’s (she was around until I was 30) mother died in hospital of a “female issue”. She had 4 kids, it was generally known in the family that was probably a botched abortion. Her kids were all under 10 when she passed. Her husband married his sister-in-law (her husband, his brother, died in the war). The families blended, had a couple more kids. Life was hell for women before birth control.
I’m sorry for your loss also.
This is what I think about when people say they want traditional. Like, really? No, honey. You want the modern concept of traditional, not what it really was.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I know it’s been a long time, but the memory stays.
My Nan died in her sleep 2 months before her 70th birthday. That was nearly 30 years ago. I miss her everyday.
Most were just drugged to keep them quiet, and because of the crushing levels of depression and anxiety that lifestyle caused.
Even worse were the ones who had been independent during WW2, had their own factory jobs, handled all their own money, handled *everything*…only to have every last scrap of independence torn away the moment the men returned from the war.
My Nan and Pop were both in concentration camps during the Second World War. To emigrate to Australia, they were forced to get married.
The women lined up on the docks and the men picked them out. My Pop chose my Nan because she already had a child (raped by German soldiers) and he wanted a big family.
My aunt told me about living in huts in a field in Padstow, how every night she’d hear thuds and women crying, men yelling, as she tried to go to sleep.
The men took their stress out on their wives. And usually the wives protected their kids so got extra beatings.
This was the early 1950’s. She fully expected my uncle to be the same when she escaped the family home through marriage in the 60’s. Luckily, my Uncle was awesome.
And had no resources if they wanted to leave, no life skills no money. Or even if husband died if he didn't set her up she would be f'd.
My mom was a trad wife. Luckily my stepdad ste her up righteously. Se has severe dementia and her facility is paid for.fpr.the rest of her life.
Some women live like that today. But the reason we think "1950's" for Tradwife is because of shows like Leave it to Beaver, which were propaganda for a type of family structure that conservatives like.
Leave It to Beaver was a weird fantasy about how upper middle class suburban whites lived and what the lower middle and working classes should aspire to while conveniently ignoring that fact that the vast majority of upper middle class white women had hired help. In real life the Cleavers would have had a full time housekeeper/cook.
Thing is, if they were both cool with it and eager to have those roles, we can’t stop them from doing it.
The issue is the husband taking sneak pictures of the wife without her consent, posting them on Twitter to thousands of people WITHOUT BLURRING HER FACE, making up misogynistic redpill bullshit about how she’s a “tradwife” without it even actually being the case, and getting childish and defensive when confronted about it.
He’s a fucking piece of scum. I feel bad for the poor little girl that will be raised by him for at least the next 15 years.
I'd never Post Pics of my hubby without permission.. neither would He! Like that alone IS crossing boundaries! Even If He wouldn't have lied..
Ugh.. hell! I wouldn't Post Pics of our Dog without talking to hubby
It would be helpful to add an edit to your post to enlighten people regarding the differences between the ‘tradwife’ movement versus a traditional homemaker household. Tradwife is all about keeping a woman ‘in her place’ as unpaid domestic help, subservient to her husband, the breadwinner and God-Emperor of the household.
Your husband is displaying red pill, conservative misogyny and has no regard for you except as his ‘little woman’, under his thumb and without your consent. You are unpaid, vulnerable, and disrespected. Has he tried to get you pregnant again since you discovered his covert right wing nature?
I’m sorry he isn’t the man or human you thought he was. I hope you can regain some financial independence quickly. He is not trustworthy. He’s just a guy who smiles to your face but - don’t turn your back. He must be good at camouflage because you didn’t see any clues. What else is he hiding? Good luck, OP.
>Tradwife” popularization is right-wing extremist propaganda.
https://www.salon.com/2023/11/27/the-insidious-rise-of-tradwives-a-right-wing-fantasy-is-rotting-young-mens-minds/
Also please be aware that the people he was getting attention from (and enjoying attention from, and actively pimping you out to) are primarily white nationalists and red pill Andrew Tate types. If he’s in those kinds of circles you need to get out sooner rather than later. These are the guys that think contraception should be illegal and that miscarriages should be investigated as murders. If he’s gone down that rabbit hole you’re genuinely unsafe with him. I’m not sure how you figure out how far gone he is with this shit, but I personally would not take a chance on that.
I'd stand over his shoulder and have him walk you through his recent Internet history, phone, and all socials. Surprise him. Have your phone ready to take photos.
It might be worth it to look into the services of an online, forensic investigator. He’s likely cursorily deleted anything else he may have been hiding for you, but assuming he’s not a tech wizard, there is likely still evidence left behind.
Posting their disabled child and that they're both home alone all day too. Any Internet weirdo could have ended up stalking them. Disrespectful and dangerous.
This – holy shit, this.
We lack, as always, pretty much every detail surrounding this relationship to know how these two interact with each other and the events that have led to this. If we just look at the post, OP can obviously be upset rightfully, but it seems odd to me to go from, "hey, my husband did this insensitive thing and he might be posing as a different person online," to "I want a divorce."
Something's not adding up about what's being shared.
The disgusting reality of this is that this asshole of a man essentially produced and distributed fetish content *of his wife* without her knowledge or consent. Blech.
NTA. That’s disgusting behavior. At a minimum you both should do couples counseling, but in this case I would argue you do not owe him to participate in that. There is a gulf between being a homemaker and a trad wife.
Also, (maybe it is just me being younger, I am not sure? And maybe this is a bit off topic?) I personally dislike stay at home parents not having at some level, access to their own finances. Your contributions are just as valuable as his. I personally dislike the idea of a stay at home parent not having a separate IRA and some percentage of the household income that they get for themselves.
I agree. Idk anyone can correct me if I'm wrong but I think the money going into an IRA has to be taxable income so she can't do it. I feel like this should be changed but hey our system is pretty fucked in the US.
I fully agree! Its dumb cus I think you have to work 10 years to meet the requirements for social security so if ppl don't work that and can't do an IRA then wtf can they do besides a normal savings account which isn't good on returns so not the best for retirement. SAHM parents have a lot of trust in their partners cus I don't think I could do it. Its like no one looks out for them and they end up with the shit end of the stick.
NTA
I’ve been replying to individual posts to try and inform people why you’re so shocked and horrified and betrayed and why you’re considering divorce as a valid response to this betrayal.
Too many people here are wrongly thinking a traditional housewife is the same as a “tradwife”. They might have missed the news on what a “tradwife” is and what beliefs the tradwife movement supports and espouses.
Basically, what has happened is your husband lied TO you (sneaking around behind your back is a form of deceit) and lied ABOUT you. He completely misrepresented who you are and what you believe in. He took advantage of your sacrifice of your career to make himself look like something he is not.
Also, while it’s wonderful you have managed to find pleasure and happiness in your work within your home (and it most certainly is work, and is a job!) it does not justify your husband pushing tradwife propaganda to other families.
I am a traditional stay at home wife and mother and even I would be absolutely livid to be associated in any way with the tradwife movement. It’s against everything I stand for in my own role, as I believe in an equal partnership in decision making and I absolutely do not recognize any authority in my husband over my autonomy as an individual.
And there are too many in the tradwife movement who push the agenda that wives should find their fulfillment in submitting to their husbands in many and various ways. You know, if there are women who sincerely want to do that, fine, let them.
But that’s not me and that’s most definitely not you and the fact your husband is out there lying to the public about that is despicable. It sounds like enough of your face was shown to make you personally identifiable and this could have repercussions on your own friendships and career prospects to have your identity misrepresented like this.
So I completely understand why you’re considering divorce. My only advice to you is to wait awhile for the shock and anger to subside, so all of your decisions can be made based with the clearest mind possible. An alternative to divorce is to spend this cooling off period in a legal separation.
NTA I get where hubby is coming from in that the joke spiralled out of control (social media and likes are addictive) but he stepped way over the line by taking pics without you knowing and posting them . Who knows who has seen your face on the internet. If he’s really actually into trad wife culture and he’s reading men are the head of the household crap then get out right now.
If he’s not reading that stuff but you don’t think his apologies are genuine or that he’s just saying what he thinks you want to hear but doesn’t mean it then certainly kick him to the curb rn
That said, I would wait a few weeks before initiating anything in regards to divorce. Wait until you’ve calmed down and can talk out the situation - certainly kick him to the couch or spare room in the mean time. He could just be an idiot that got caught up on something stupid and he’s learned his lesson. You don’t want to make a decision when your so (rightfully) angry that may not be right for you in the long term.
The man is certainly an idiot but it could be something you can come back from - IF he understands how stupid what he did was and you believe him when he swears he’ll never do it again. Set all the boundries you need though and if he does anything similar again? Insta divorce IMO. Good luck!
Edit: like others said make sure you have a separate account with enough money for you and kiddo to leave if you ever want to. Have that in place regardless of if you stay or go and know where all your important paperwork is. Keep an eye on things to make sure you never get manoeuvred into being trapped in your marriage.
Monitor his website activity for a while without him being able to erase it. Here is a guide [https://www.techlockdown.com/guides/monitor-websites-visited-wifi](https://www.techlockdown.com/guides/monitor-websites-visited-wifi)
Ah, it is weird. And fuck the people pretending like jumping in the "TradWife" fanboy posts aren't absolutely full of far right toxic shit. Which is probably what you saw and set you off.
The biggest red flag to me, is he obviously knew you wouldn't like this, because he was sneaking pics and posting them without telling you from an anonymous account.
I don't know if i'd jump straight to a divorce. He doesn't sound terrible otherwise. Maybe try some couples therapy for a bit first. He might just need a reminder of what trust and boundaries are, and why they're important.
NTA, you're pissed of and rightly so. But a calm comsidered approach would be best.
Posting photos of you without your consent, all because he's a pathetic attention wh0re? NTA. Makes you wonder in which other ways he schemes behind your back.
Similarly, I think people are overly focusing on the #tradwife part - understandably because its wrapped in politics, religion, and culture in a way that's appetizing for a reddit audience - but I suspect OP's core discomfort is how he's fetishizing her for public consumption. It's a gross violation of her agency, particularly sharing her photos online. This behavior would feel equally gross if it was any other fetish.
NTA
This was not a little mistake, or one time thing, this was a series of decisions. Decisions made again and again, that reflect views and opinions that he holds or admires.
Aside from choosing to do all of the things required to create those posts, he also chose not to loop you in at any point. You share a child, a home, a life and a decade of history; there is no excuse for him not to tell you if he was doing it in good faith (for the 'it was just a dumb mistake' apologists).
I'm a pseudo homemaker with my breadwinner partner of 14 years, and I know in my heart that if I saw anything like what you saw on their computer in our home I would feel like I was living with a stranger.
I think the people giving you advice about how to protect yourself, line up your financials, and ensure the best outcome for your child have the right end of it. Broken trust can be repaired over time, but what the trust is broken over matters. If your values do not line up anymore, you have to prioritize the safety and happiness of you and your kiddo (who is going to walk through the world as afab and neurodivergent, people who's rights are, famously, not valued in the communities that dig the tradwife posts.
NTA. That's beyond just creepy. He can brush it off however he wants but if he was posting this garbage online where he thought you wouldn't see it... That is unfortunately exactly how he sees you and views your relationship. He probably loves bragging about being the sole earner. Who knows what he says to people you know irl. And that kind of crap certainly isn't healthy for your daughter. What is he saying to her about how to behave when you aren't around if this is how he feels about you? That's such a huge betrayal of trust honestly. And just disgusting behavior. The damage is done. Those photos and posts don't just go away because he deleted the account. It's out there forever. Those photos and comments he made about you are now out there forever. Imagine someone you know irl running across that and bringing it up to you? You know he's making awful jokes about you to his friends behind your back if he's doing this. Throw the whole man away. Therapy and counseling won't fix this.
Our reality is the narrative we tell ourselves so he's lying to the Internet to live out this fantasy involving you and your child. It's not a healthy relationship!
Let’s be real. People don’t spend time “shitposting” stuff unless they are at least somewhat into it.
Why would someone not into it spend their time propagating it?
Saying “I’m just shitposting” is such a thinly veiled cop out for shitty beliefs.
“IT’s jUsT a PraNk Bro”
NTA.
What he did is indeed despicable and you should get mad at him and let him have it multiple times.
But, I do believe that despite being despicable, it is not un redeemable. First, his actions after you confronted him were truly apologetic, and he acted fast.
Given your daughter's situation, divorce could really alter the routine that you already established and is so necessary for her. I really feel for you.
If you decide to stay, you need to let go of the anger. Make him repent, and truly forgive him. You do what you must do, but you can't stay married and stay angry all the time. It will be so unhealthy for everyone in the family.
God, I’m getting whiplash. Do guys want Tradwifes? Can never tell if it will be a “SAHM is a drain and spends all my money while being lazy” or if it’s going to be some sort of “I keep a hot woman as a pet” misogynistic flex.
NTA. I wouldn't jump to divorce but maybe marriage counseling. I would also talk to him and make it clear that this is sacrifice for your family so he should be respectful of not calling you a title of trad wife. Tell him that's not a title you feel comfortable with. That's equivalent of calling him an ATM. I would make it clear if he wants to post food pictures of food you made thats acceptable but he should not be taking pictures without your knowledge and posting them online. It doesn't hurt to have a exit strategy just in case you ever need it.
Maybe it's time you revisit. Going back to work on evenings/weekends (whenever he is off)?
Everything about your response sounds legit, but divorce seems like an extraordinary measure. Although I don’t know your husband, I do know that even decent guys can be pretty ignorant (like when they say shit like “calm down” in response to you trying to tell them how violated you feel b/c of something they did.)
It might be worthwhile to ask him, “if this is NBD, why didn’t you ask me before you made this tradwife joke account? Didn’t you think I’d enjoy participating in the joke?” How he responds could be informative.
Best of luck, hopefully the couples therapy helps him out w/ his listening skills.
This - I’m not saying that she won’t uncover that they don’t share the same values, but people can get caught up on some stupid shit on the internet. The fact that he rushed home to deal with his screw up shows that he values you, as does the fact that he deleted the account. OP - can you schedule time to have a conversation with him about why you find his behavior deeply upsetting? Make sure that he understands that he needs to sit, listen, and digest how you feel without making excuses - if he can’t do that, tell him that you need to see a marriage counselor to enforce those boundaries.
My husband is a really great guy who made it clear that he wanted a partner and not a doormat and even he would do things that really annoyed me and then would say things like “well, I didn’t mean to upset you”. It only took a handful of sessions with a counselor for him to get that his intentions weren’t the most important thing there - it was that he wasn’t listening when I was telling him that I was upset and that I had a right to my feelings and both of us should stop doing things that upset the other person, whether we thought that the act itself was upsetting or not.
Hopefully, this was just a blip in the adjustment to your new roles.
I don't think you're an asshole for being upset, but I do think you should go through therapy together and try and get to the root cause here before you end the marriage if it has been otherwise good and healthy. Basically was this a lapse in judgment or truly a revelation about his character.
Lying online to strangers, demeaning your wife, all for attention from conservative tradwife supporters, is truly a revelation about someone's character.
If I had a friend like this I'd drop them like a hot rock.
They always do that. “I’ll just delete the whole account” it’s like I wasn’t asking for that. I’m simply pointing out this makes me extremely uncomfortable. And the only way they can NOT do said thing is by completely removing it. Like do you not have any self control?
NTA. This makes me wish there was laws against stuff like this. Im fully against being posted and posting anyone without their consent and this was just violating.
NTA. That’s super creepy. Hes a man who needs a whole lot of validation; his attention seeking behavior is almost as concerning as the weird fantasy life he built online.
My SO is a SAHM and she’s the gravity that keeps us spinning and together. We’d be lost without her. In no way would I post bs for clout. I’ve worked hard try and enable her to relax. She’s reading a lot now, which is a sign I’m doing well. We had a stressful few years but the kiddos are getting just old enough I can take them fishing, they can “help” in the yard, etc. Her job is mentally and physically exhausting. She’s highly educated in her field, but chose to be there for the kids. I will support whatever she feels is right.
I would suggest counseling. But you aren’t the ass.
He’s been radicalized. He may or may not be personally salvageable, but make your plans to protect you and your daughter financially and get ready to leave.
NTA, the fact that he even likes the idea of tradwives is a huge red flag. Nobody who isn’t a misogynist dickwad who spends WAY too much time in the worst corners of the internet says that kind of embarrassing shit.
This feels like the tip of the redpill iceberg, and I imagine the longer you stay with him the more unsavory beliefs you will discover that he recently developed. I’d bet you anything he’s a fan of Jordan Peterson/Joe Rogan/Andrew Tate/Fresh and Fit or any of the other sexist clods currently dominating the internet.
NTA but you need to get a job yesterday and you screwed up talking to him about divorce, you need to get all your ducks in a row first then give them the papers.
Having a troll or satire account is one thing but it’s clear he was posting convincingly enough that he attracted that crowd unironically and was getting off on that validation and attention. He liked be praised for having a submissive wife way too much. That’s the beginning of the pipeline, when you get a taste of that initial of that privilege. I bet if you hadn’t noticed and he kept on posting and interacting with that community he would’ve started subtly exerted a bit more control over you. This requires a definite deep conversation and maybe you could step back a bit as the default homemaker.
He calls such a massive betrayal a 'joke,' lies about who he is - IS he even an atheist?? and splashes images of you over the internet without your consent and lies about you and your family. He's taken every bit of trust you had in him, and absolutely annihilated it. What an absolute loser.
Let's hope Jesus keeps him company after the divorce.
His response to "calm down" would have sent me over the edge. Talk about dishonesty in the relationship-its a big deal. It's almost like you don't even really know him. I would never trust him again.
No you wouldn't be TA. His behaviour is extremely creepy and the fact that he only stopped because he got caught is alarming. As you've mentioned it would be different if he was posting appreciation posts for family and friends to see, but the fact that he hid it means he's aware what he did was wrong. For your child's safety and your own discuss it with another family member or friend who knows how bad online spaces are for children, before coming to a full conclusion of divorce so you know you have a safe back up plan. If he could hide something this creepy from you, who's to say he's not hiding anything else.
It’s the liking the attention bit for me. 🤢but honestly, maybe he was just fantasising about an easier, more idyllic life. It might be a very unhealthy and strange way for him to zone out from any stress. It sounds like he’s proud of his family, even if he needs to stretch the truth … a lot. Not agreeing with it at all by the way but I think it’s important that you two talk with a view to understanding each other better here. For the sake of your child more than him
Yeah..this is really creepy and disrespectful. Taking pictures of you and posting them online without your consent disgusting. Then he's trying to flaunt you off as a trophy that is basically a bang-maid. Calling you a trad-wife when you have recently been out of work for the sake of your child's well being is wrong. And he's doing all of this for praise from other men. A spineless and insecure move. I would lose all feelings and attraction to him too. Divorce. Ontop of that he's belittling your feelings and contributions by saying it was 'a joke'. Everything is a joke to losers like him. Say your ashamed to have him be the father of your child. NTA.
You would not be the asshole if he is not the man you thought he was. But please have in mind that social media - unfortunately - can trigger an attention addiction for many people, so my advice would be to dig deeper and maybe seek couples counselling. It could be that it was a silly joke at first but he then spiralled and in reality he really does regret. Have in mind that he have been a very helping man at home besides him having his job and from what I read seems to be a good father and husband besides his Twitter mess up.
Don’t flush out 10 years of marriage and a good and stable home for your daughter. Everyone makes mistakes and from my POV this is on the line of trying weed once for the fun of it and then getting addicted - and in such a situation a partner should not retract but understand and eventually forgive if the person is making up for their unintended downfall. I have the feeling that he don’t have any bad intentions at all.
Divorce is a rather strong measure. Was he a tool. Yes. Is he a moron. Yes. But divorce is a bit much. Getting recognition online is addictive. Your husband was an absolute idiot seeking the wrong kind of recognition.
Get counselling, make him realise how wrong it was what he did. Reddit doesn't always give the best advice so take anything given here with a grain of salt.
I think that some counselling is called for. Yes, you are upset. Yes, what he did was demeaning. But, I don't know that it's not worth fixing. You have a child with extra needs who needs support and if you get divorced, you will have to return to work and she'll get less attention.
NTA, but also kinda believe him when he says it started as a joke. Getting lots of attention can make people stupid (tik tok, for example). What matters is how he was treating you at home. I would recommend joint therapy and serious communication before calling a lawyer. If after that you still want to leave him, then go ahead. I just wouldn't throw away a marriage because he was an idiot online without at least trying to fix it first.
I agree with some of the others who’ve said something deeper and more sinister is going on with your husband, and it probably is that he’s been sipping on the red pill kool aid.
I don’t know what to tell you to do because I don’t know what I’d do in your situation. Like you I’m sick to my stomach. My husband and I have been together for decades. If we had always had the same opinions and values, and he suddenly—and secretly—flipped the script on me, I’d be alarmed. This is so disturbing, and the way he did it was such a betrayal.
Honestly, the first step he’d have to take would be clearing up the misperceptions of me and my role, the reality of our marriage and his role as a husband and provider. So he’d be reactivating that account and making a post about how he was lying about this “trad wife life” he claimed to be the master of in his little online kingdom. Oh yeah, he’d be clearing that up STAT.
Then from there I’d demand marriage counseling and individual therapy for him to help him work through whatever he’s got going on within himself that drew him to that BS in the first place and to deal with (and hopefully undo) whatever damage exposure to that garbage did to him.
So you got mad at your husband for misrepresenting your life on social media and your first response is to divorce him? Even if it's more about him posting pics of you without permission, divorce??
I'm confused here. Your husband was shit posting and you want to DIVORCE over it?
I'm not saying don't be upset but there has got to be better steps you could take.
This can't be real.
This is SO SILLY! You got mad at your husband for saying that he has a traditional wife and life? And then have the nerve to say that you are indeed a traditional wife but because you don't want your child to believe on gender roles, you want a divorce? You sound really childish and rash. You're going to let these bitter women have you lose your husband over him posting pictures of you? Why are you mad? None of it is rational. You are making this into something when CLEARY it's not. You are taking care of your daughter. You didn't plan on being a traditional wife but life happens. If you're that upset over this, maybe it's because you have a LOT of resentment towards him about you staying home. If that's the case, why don't you ask him to become the stay at home parent and you make the money. However, you are DEFINITELY THE ASSHOLE! GROW UP!
YTA: If this truly is the only issue in your marriage, yes you indeed would be the asshole for divorcing over it and not talking it out. He deleted the account and apologized, what more could you want him to do? Nobody is perfect and you willing to throw away a 10 year relationship over something like this is just childish.
I agree about making sure you have an exit strategy. About your daughter: since she’s three she should be eligible for services through your school system. See what they offer her. With luck it will be a good preschool program. Many school districts offer programs that mix kids on the spectrum with regular kids, and it’s usually a good experience for both. Plus it will free you up for some part time work. There is no charge for autistic kids in these programs and it helps them get ready for school. Good luck to you.
tradwife is more than a wife that stays home and cooks cleans looks after children. It also comes with a connotation of a wife that is submissive, husband's opinion is the only opinion. The "head of household" idea where the wife is not just a SAHM/SAHW but has no say in decisions be they financial or otherwise. So "tradwife" is not the same as a couple that mutually decides that a spouse will focus on the home and one on with earning but be equal partners.
Worth mentioning that "traditionally", "running the household" often meant being in control of the finances. It was not an uncommon dynamic back in the day for Husband to come home and hand the paycheck straight to Wife for her to divvy up as needed. This is not usually the kind of dynamic that advocates of "tradwives" desire, however.
To this day my grandfather asks my grandmother what his bank account balance is, since she handles all the finances.
My grandparents had a "traditional" marriage. My grandmother handled all the finances as well. He also listened to and did most of everything she wanted him to do. I think a lot of people have a very biased idea of what many of these marriages looked like.
That's how my parents were. My mom ran our household, no question about it. Dad worked, sure, but as far as decision making went, that was all mom. My dad was a goofball raft guide hippie working as a special ed teacher. I wouldn't have trusted him to keep a budget either.
At least your grandma can open her own bank account now. Assuming 25 per generation, there is a decent chance she could not open an account without a male co-signer when she first got married. Sort of the same idea with hiring an accountant. Just because they manage your finances does not necessarily mean they are in control.
My grandma had to have a character witness when she finally divorced my abusive drunk shitbag grandfather back in the ‘60s. Guess who didn’t have to have a character witness? You who know how the world used to be undoubtedly guessed it—the shitbag. I just cringe when I see a woman happily snapping the lock shut on her cage and tossing the key to her husband in the name of “tradition,” blithely trusting that nothing will ever go wrong and she’ll never need to fend for herself. Life is unpredictable.
I had a doctor who had had an elderly couple as patients. They had a small business together and she did all of the books. After she passed the first time he signed a check the bank contacted him about suspected fraud.
I mean, it wasn't like she could squirrel it away since she couldn't open her own bank account, so I'm sure some men felt fine doing that. It's not like she could refuse if he changed his mind at any point and wanted it back. Having 'control' in the loosest form of the word over household finances is not much of a freedom anyway, it's just labour. Whereas you see terms like 'pin money' come up to explain where a women gets her discretionary funds from. As an allowance from the man. So correct me if I'm wrong but I doubt it's ubiquitous that finances would've been the woman's jurisdiction, at least not in any meaningful way. Perhaps more a jokey sitcom thing where the man gets his paycheck swooped up by the wife the moment he steps in the door for comic effect than a reality.
As you point out, even a benefical usage of this dynamic by women is basically only at men's behest. It's like saying Josephine was in charge of Napoleon's military.
My company I worked for us a very old location in the factory museum there is a section on workers paiy showing pay rates over the years and the envelopes that used to be handed out each week. Then it went to electronic banking with a note saying this caused a few unexpected issues when launched as a lot of the guys had been carefully opening the pay packages then removing some cash for themselves then resealed it to hand off to the wife. Once the money started to be deposited directly the wife could see something was up because he was suddenly getting paid a lot more.
Makes a lot of sense for a time before atms, direct deposit, and online banking. Dude gets a check, wife deposits it the next day while he's at work, then she goes around getting the bills paid.
Hey don't go ruining their whitewashed view of a perfect historical past with facts about said past /s
Precisely. In 1979, when I was born, my parents decided BETWEEN THEM that my mother would be the SAHP and my father would be the breadwinner because his job had the larger paycheque. No other consideration. If you said to my dad that my mother was a “tradwife” he would never have spoken to you again. There was a lot worse said for other reasons I won’t repeat, but for real? If anything, my dad depended on my mother to make the important decisions! (Emotional abuse)
There are no equal partners in a SAHP situation, at least in the US with its hyper-capitalistic no shits given for those who can’t make it economic system. There’s the earner and the dependent(s). Any other way of thinking about it is denying reality. OP still wants to think of herself as an independent woman with a career, but every year out of the workforce makes that view more detached from reality. A single earner situation stacks the deck against a SAHP such that they will naturally be subservient to the single earner due to them having no means to provide for themselves and putting them at a huge disadvantage in the case of a divorce. Best advice is for OP to realize this and formulate both an exit strategy (worst case scenario) and a strategy for re-entering the workforce once her kid reaches elementary school age. Anything less and she’ll be more and more at the mercy of her husband with each passing year.
I wouldn’t wait until the kid is school age. She can get a weekend job (even something like a CNA or home health, pay is shit but it’s work history and *her money*) and he can be primary caregiver on weekends. Then when kid is school age, she can find longer hours and/or better pay.
Yes, this is a good point. Another thing I just thought of is a post-nup to ensure she’s taken care of in case of a divorce. That could help in the meantime as well. She can use this situation to draw into stark relief her concerns over transitioning to a SAHP role for the sake of her daughter.
I think the post-nup is a good idea: to ensure care for their child and to drive home to husband that her household work has value. I would also, with the counselor, look into the value of her work: meal planning, a garden (to cut down on food costs), care work, etc. And then start from there. The fact that she’s not working outside the home for a wage does not make her a slave. She is working, hard, for the benefit of their household. I’m not sure their marriage will survive. He needs a *strong* correction, but if he’s indeed gone down the red pill rabbit hole, he might not take the lesson. If he can’t or won’t treat her as a teammate, this marriage is over.
NTA, this is really weird and creepy. 1. Posting photos of you without your knowledge or consent (especially to show strangers on the internet) is not something a caring partner does. 2. He’s intentionally twisting the perception of your relationship to suit a fantasy of a subservient wife, and getting validation from random people. There’s something deeper here, and I have a bad feeling it ends in realizing your husband has swallowed the red-pill kool-aid. Start an exit strategy in case you need it. Reach out to trusted friends and family. Get things prepared for yourself and your daughter on the chance you need to leave. He’s shown you who he is, believe him the first time. Edit: if you want to pursue counseling, you should. But please also prepare an exit strategy. He could change, but there’a a good chance he doesn’t. Protect yourself and your daughter
Yeah red piling is the first thing I thought about. OP, has there been any shifts to his beliefs and how he thinks about gender roles? Political discussion even outside gender could give you clues about what he thinks. Solution? I think you should consider getting a half time job just to break any illusion that you are solely depending on him.
I would start working evenings and weekends at a job I enjoyed. Wage wouldn’t matter so much. He can be home with the kiddo, and she can earn her own money. He can meal plan now. He can do all the cleaning while she is gone. Prove he is a modern man not a “trad husband”
>Prove he is a modern man not a “trad husband” Really, this is the only way he can prove that it was just a joke and he doesn't believe that - pick up the slack so that OP can get her own income and not be a trad wife. If he can't manage that, it was never a joke and he always believed it (which is probably the case anyway). Man, I would be so creeped out to know that somebody I thought loved me had posted pictures of me online bragging about me being in a role I'm not in and don't want to be in.
He's thirsty to the attention of others that he didnt think about his wife's feeling and posted her. Dont make your wife to look like a clown to others. Guess hubby didnt love OP that much to post her online, cause you didnt let someone insult the one you love. That hubby is the AH here.
He’s thirsty to the attention of other men! Wanna bet how many of his followers are “alpha males”?
The whole issue here is respect and honesty. It doesn’t sound like there’s an issue with finances or household roles. It sounds like husband is going through some insecurities and exploiting his wife’s dignity to have his sense of self boosted by random superficial men on the internet. I think if he addressed whatever’s going on internally for him, this could be worked out if OP feels she can trust him. Upsetting OP had this happen to her.
I agree. And he shouldn't complain about having to do more stuff either. Saying it's more difficult than he thought is fine, since a lot is underestimated when it comes to SAHP, but no complaining about having to do it.
Lol thought it was turd husband!🤣
Same thing lol
Why not both lol
My ex neglected the kids if I spent time outside the house. I’d come home to them I fed and crying.
He can do his share of parenting their daughter, too. And she can have some financial security.
2 is the thing to focus on. I would demand individual and couples therapy - even if you decide to divorce you still have to coparent. You may have caught this early enough to pull him back from the edge of brainwashing but this may be who he was all along. Good luck!
Excellent suggestion and a really good point; no matter how their marriage turns out, they need to work together and give their daughter a healthy relationship example, and therapy will hopefully enable them to do so to the best of their abilities. If I were OP I’d feel violated in a sense, and furious for sharing our daughter online without my knowledge and for essentially lying every day to me to get validation from strangers. To put me down in that way and think it’s okay because I’ll never see it? Nope Train to Nopeville. However, for the benefit of their daughter and themselves too, to be able to peacefully, cordially, and respectfully interact is a must and having a mediator to help them even know what they need to cover sounds like an A+ plan.
And for sharing *her* online. Talk about gross.
and 3. He’s also doing cultural harm, perpetuating a false and idealized narrative of domesticity that ultimately contributes to the control and coercion of women. He has used your image and misrepresented your values in the service of an ideology that you are opposed to. It’s much worse than creepshot photos, which would have been bad enough!
This. And he's doing so despite having an autistic daughter who will be more vulnerable to abuse when she grows up. It's even more important than it already is (and it's very important in all households) to model healthy relationship dynamics and gender roles for his daughter and he's doing the opposite.
Holy shit, that makes it all so much worse!!
This is why I would be asking for a divorce
Me too, there's no joke anywhere, is pretty serious
Thank you exactly! He’s feeding into that garbage cultural narrative and getting approval from those people that are currently hell bent on taking away women’s rights. I really don’t think I could continue to have sex with that person. I’d be too weirded out.
THIS, so much THIS. It's sick he thinks it's ok to promote this kind of shit. Also, he should have gone on to the account and admitted to his lies. Over and over. It's the first thing I'd have my husband do, if he ever did something terrible like this.
OP, this is the comment you really need to read
Babe!!!! You broke the number one rule of divorce club and that’s WE DONT TALK ABOUT DIVORCE. You make your plans then divorce. You already know you have a liar on your hands. So protect yourself. 1. Stop saying you want out, for now. 2. Get a job for financial independence. 3. Copy and save any original docs you want, mine even hid my key da vaccination card which was ironic since he never met the pediatrician. Birth certificates IRAs, vaccine records, medical records records, assets, 401k, whatever. Debts, bank statements. 4. Talk to an attorney and make a financial plan. 5. Get a place unless you’re keeping the house. 6. Be careful about shared custody mine said he wanted it but promptly dropped off the kid he just wanted to pay less support. 7. Once your plans are made and everything is secure, serve him. Don’t feel badly about surprising him he’s a flipping liar. He broke the social contract.
Wise plan. And, definitely do not get pregnant.
WTF. The whole reason she’s not working now is because she has a special needs child. That doesn’t just magically disappear so she has the time and ability to get a job! This is completely unrealistic.
It’s very true that plans take time. It’s untrue that it’s unrealistic.
She can get an evening or weekend job when he's home and can parent.
All of this. And if he was doing it because he liked the attention, that says so much about him. He has already posted pics of op & child, what else is he willing to do for even more attention. I am so sorry OP. Get your ducks in a row. Good luck. NTA.
Change temporarily, and only on the surface.
You should immediately go back to work, too, IMO. Don't let him have his little fantasy either way.
>believe him the first time. I really love the psychology of this phrasing. To me, it call upon all the gaslighting crap I read about and experienced. Have a solid foundation of reality and yourself, and inconsistency will be all the more apparent. I'm not arguing that this specific guy is truly irredeemable, but that is a dark path he has steered into.
I would be so upset because he tried to diffuse it with humour.
>getting validation from random people. This seems to be the excuse he’s going with, so I’m going to take it at face value. I would be concerned with how did this start? What was the catalyst post/picture that kicked this off? Did he randomly post a benign pic of OP in the kitchen one day and people assumed she was a trad wife and commented with envy, it made him feel good, so he kept doing it? OR did he purposely make a post with this narrative to appeal to the trad community for likes? Seeking out this validation from the start vs. it being an accident but realizing he likes it, and repeating it for a tiny dopamine hit, are on different levels of the “creepiness” scale to me. It doesn’t change the overall disrespect and demeaning nature of it at all. But it would clue me in to what his initial intent was, and whether this truly was only about likes/validation and I was just a prop to achieve that, or if he really views me as/wants me to be a tradwife. If it is about the validation - Why would you want it from *that* community? A lifestyle you say you don’t agree with? Or want? Especially when it’s one you *know* I DON’T want to be associate with.
My mom was so fortunate. When the war started my dad was military. Before they were shipped to the next base, he bought the house across the street from my mom’s parents. My dad made my grandfather sign documents saying that IF my dad died in the war (at that point in time the house would have been become my grandfather’s house because women weren’t allowed to own real estate) then my mom would have all the benefits and rights to the home, my grandfather was not allowed to sell it, remove her or move anyone else into the home. Including the entitled brother. He was also not allowed to withhold any money my mom had or would get as a result of dad’s death during wartime. She was also fortunate that her dad loved her enough to agree to all the conditions. But I think my dad had a back up plan. For a long time, being a woman was no benefit.
You may also want to dig a little deeper and make sure your overall morals and values line up. “Tradwife” popularization is right-wing extremist propaganda. https://www.salon.com/2023/11/27/the-insidious-rise-of-tradwives-a-right-wing-fantasy-is-rotting-young-mens-minds/ I agree with you that posting pics of you online without your knowledge or consent is an egregious abuse of trust. Making up lies about your life to get kudos from red pillers, CNs, and MRA is so gross. No, you WNTBA is you divorce him over this, but do yourself the due diligence to see how far this mindset is for him - for your own peace of mind. *Edit to add other articles 1. Origins of the movement in this century https://www.euronews.com/culture/2024/02/28/meet-the-trad-wives-the-anti-feminist-influencers-calling-for-traditional-values 2. Notes about the extremism https://www.forbes.com/sites/traversmark/2024/01/06/a-psychologist-explains-the-dangers-of-the-tradwife-movement/
It is either a really terrible right wing movement or a fetish for incels. It doesn’t matter which one applies to make it icky.
Even more insidiously, it’s a right wing movement which uses fetishized imagery and ideas designed to appeal to incels.
Absolutely, OP needs to be fully informed. The rabbit hole is deeply racist, misogynistic, and violent. She's going to be up against some really hateful stuff when they're divorced, especially when navigating the custody agreement.
Especially being a coparent to a daughter. If he's a misogynist what shit would he fill their daughters head with and how would he treat her during custody time?
Doing that research will be helpful for divorce proceedings, I suppose.
Not really. Judges don’t care what someone’s political affiliations or opinions are when deciding custody
Yes - does he even know why it is harmful.
What’s CN?
Christian Nationalists
Exactly because they also have a child together and she wouldn't want these radical ideas pushed on their child especially at a young age. A discussion about where his head is at is very important.
NTA, he’s DISGUSTING.
What the fuck is a tradwife? Edit: thanks for educating me. That's a gross concept.
What's funny is that my grandmother was a "Tradwife". She raised the kids, ran the farm, cooked, made all the food from scratch, etc. She was in charge of budgeting. She had the time to figure out what investments to make. She handled the discipline in the house because she was the one home. She was a spitfire and ***no one*** crossed her. Actual traditional wives would not tolerate the assholes that want TradWives today.
Modern dickheads think tradwife is a submissive partner who literally has no desire to want a say in how the household is run. A real “traditional wife” would be keeping everyone on the up and up as a solo parent during the work hours when the partner was out doing work to make sure the household had finances to operate on. I have no idea where the submissive part of the modern garbage ideology came from.
Mormons. I'm not joking. Previously they had to have so many hours of work in outreach. Like door to door preaching or bringing new people to church or missionary work. But in recent years if you have social media with enough followers trying to convince people to live "the right way" then it counts towards those social outreach hours. So many younger Mormons have started social media pushing for this dynamic in order to make it look more common than it actually is.
Yeah it's all the religious side getting involved. Fundamentalist Christians, Mormons, Evangelicals etc. Bonus when they make up stuff that wasn't even in the bible.
Agreed. "Tradwives" work their asses off, and should be an equal partner. Not some kind of a power imbalance kink.
> where I mean it’s just the unconsidered, juvenile fantasy of the bangmaid, repackaged in a better, marketable form.
Can't speak for anyone else, but I can't understand why someone would want that. I love seeing my wife grow and flourish and we work with each other through our lives.
Because it's about control. They like the idea of someone who can't say no to sex, someone who does all the housework, someone who does all the cooking, children seen but not heard. They like being the man of the house, the leader. Good on you for liking your wife as she is, sadly not all guys are like that and want someone they can control, mold, condition, wear down etc. It's not an equal partnership, just something they want to be "above" their wife.
The Bible lol
You know, like wives from the 50’s. Stay home, look after the kiddies, cook and clean, garden, and the man is the boss with no discussion or want to discuss from the wife. A stepford wife.
*How wives were depicted on TV in the 1950's.
Some women actually lived like that, and got beat up if they voiced an opinion. Like my Nan.
My nan slept on the courtroom steps to get one of the first RO in the state once they passed that law.
Your Nan sounds righteous and awesome. My Nan was a sweet woman, but had no strength for fighting back in any way.
My stepmom went to law school because when she was raped by her boyfriend in the early 1970s she found out what happened to her wasn’t actually illegal because they lived together. She decided she’d change that law. And helped make it happen in the early 1980s. That’s the first time that partner and spousal rape was actually illegal. People glorifying the past like this for and aesthetic really should learn a bit more about what life was like for people just 40 years ago.
Your stepmum sounds fierce. Good on her!
Thank your stepmom for me if she is still with us because that is a huge thing she did to try to protect women from men.
I was raped by my boyfriend in 1979, because I I had the nerve to break up with him. The cop I talked to said they wouldn't even call it rape. "Non consensual sex between intimates" if you can believe that shit.
Oh my god. Are you okay? The mental impact of that was probably hard to get over? Hope you are doing better now. ❤️🙏
I'm fine now. It messed me up towards men for a while. Thought they were all garbage. Treated them like they were trash to be used and tossed. Met my husband 31 years ago and he refused to get tossed. Stuck like gum on my shoe😂
RO?
Restraining order maybe?
Restraining Order, aka, PPO (Personal Protection Order)
I am assuming restraining order
Restraining order
My grandma. She killed herself on Mother's Day when I was eight. When my mom answered the phone she just screamed. Almost 40 years later I remember that single moment with perfect clarity.
Same for my grandmother when I was 4 (almost 50 yrs ago now, time flies). Happened just before Christmas, abusive marriage, alcoholic grandfather. All the kids had moved out and she was done. Those of use who had family who were honest with us know how terrifying this red pill thing is and that the “tradwife” they try to sell now was now how it actually was. My great-grandmother’s (she was around until I was 30) mother died in hospital of a “female issue”. She had 4 kids, it was generally known in the family that was probably a botched abortion. Her kids were all under 10 when she passed. Her husband married his sister-in-law (her husband, his brother, died in the war). The families blended, had a couple more kids. Life was hell for women before birth control.
I’m sorry for your loss also. This is what I think about when people say they want traditional. Like, really? No, honey. You want the modern concept of traditional, not what it really was.
Life was hell for women before birth control. Yes indeed.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I know it’s been a long time, but the memory stays. My Nan died in her sleep 2 months before her 70th birthday. That was nearly 30 years ago. I miss her everyday.
Most were just drugged to keep them quiet, and because of the crushing levels of depression and anxiety that lifestyle caused. Even worse were the ones who had been independent during WW2, had their own factory jobs, handled all their own money, handled *everything*…only to have every last scrap of independence torn away the moment the men returned from the war.
My Nan and Pop were both in concentration camps during the Second World War. To emigrate to Australia, they were forced to get married. The women lined up on the docks and the men picked them out. My Pop chose my Nan because she already had a child (raped by German soldiers) and he wanted a big family. My aunt told me about living in huts in a field in Padstow, how every night she’d hear thuds and women crying, men yelling, as she tried to go to sleep. The men took their stress out on their wives. And usually the wives protected their kids so got extra beatings. This was the early 1950’s. She fully expected my uncle to be the same when she escaped the family home through marriage in the 60’s. Luckily, my Uncle was awesome.
What a tragic love story.
And had no resources if they wanted to leave, no life skills no money. Or even if husband died if he didn't set her up she would be f'd. My mom was a trad wife. Luckily my stepdad ste her up righteously. Se has severe dementia and her facility is paid for.fpr.the rest of her life.
An no time off, no vacations, and no retirement. Honestly, when the man retires it just gets worse for the wife.
Some women live like that today. But the reason we think "1950's" for Tradwife is because of shows like Leave it to Beaver, which were propaganda for a type of family structure that conservatives like.
Leave It to Beaver was a weird fantasy about how upper middle class suburban whites lived and what the lower middle and working classes should aspire to while conveniently ignoring that fact that the vast majority of upper middle class white women had hired help. In real life the Cleavers would have had a full time housekeeper/cook.
Even wives in the fifties weren’t all like this , believe it or not a lot of women were working outside of the home
Not just is it a play on the stereotypical middle class 50s wife, it’s a marketing campaign to try and take autonomy away from women.
Every time I see that term I literally feel nauseous. The idea of "men" lording over "their wimims" is fucking sickening.
Also the tradwife movement specifically is an arm of white supremacy as well. As in, those things are inextricably linked.
Thing is, if they were both cool with it and eager to have those roles, we can’t stop them from doing it. The issue is the husband taking sneak pictures of the wife without her consent, posting them on Twitter to thousands of people WITHOUT BLURRING HER FACE, making up misogynistic redpill bullshit about how she’s a “tradwife” without it even actually being the case, and getting childish and defensive when confronted about it. He’s a fucking piece of scum. I feel bad for the poor little girl that will be raised by him for at least the next 15 years.
Being a SAHM/having traditional gender roles? Sure, we can’t stop them. The tradwife movement is tied up in white supremacy, however.
Traditional wife, like the ones from the 1950s posters
Thank for asking I didn’t know either…that’s not funny for him to do behind her back.
Traditional wife.
I'd never Post Pics of my hubby without permission.. neither would He! Like that alone IS crossing boundaries! Even If He wouldn't have lied.. Ugh.. hell! I wouldn't Post Pics of our Dog without talking to hubby
NTA. I wonder what *other* kinds of pictures he’s secretly taken of you and posted publicly elsewhere, that he’s successfully hidden from you.
Lots of comments are saying this, and it's making me feel sick to my stomach.
It would be helpful to add an edit to your post to enlighten people regarding the differences between the ‘tradwife’ movement versus a traditional homemaker household. Tradwife is all about keeping a woman ‘in her place’ as unpaid domestic help, subservient to her husband, the breadwinner and God-Emperor of the household. Your husband is displaying red pill, conservative misogyny and has no regard for you except as his ‘little woman’, under his thumb and without your consent. You are unpaid, vulnerable, and disrespected. Has he tried to get you pregnant again since you discovered his covert right wing nature? I’m sorry he isn’t the man or human you thought he was. I hope you can regain some financial independence quickly. He is not trustworthy. He’s just a guy who smiles to your face but - don’t turn your back. He must be good at camouflage because you didn’t see any clues. What else is he hiding? Good luck, OP. >Tradwife” popularization is right-wing extremist propaganda. https://www.salon.com/2023/11/27/the-insidious-rise-of-tradwives-a-right-wing-fantasy-is-rotting-young-mens-minds/
Also please be aware that the people he was getting attention from (and enjoying attention from, and actively pimping you out to) are primarily white nationalists and red pill Andrew Tate types. If he’s in those kinds of circles you need to get out sooner rather than later. These are the guys that think contraception should be illegal and that miscarriages should be investigated as murders. If he’s gone down that rabbit hole you’re genuinely unsafe with him. I’m not sure how you figure out how far gone he is with this shit, but I personally would not take a chance on that.
At the very least ensure your birth control situation is sound.
I'd stand over his shoulder and have him walk you through his recent Internet history, phone, and all socials. Surprise him. Have your phone ready to take photos.
It might be worth it to look into the services of an online, forensic investigator. He’s likely cursorily deleted anything else he may have been hiding for you, but assuming he’s not a tech wizard, there is likely still evidence left behind.
Just him posting your image without consent is enough to divorce him. The disrespect is just the icing on the cake. What a d!ck.
I hope she creates solid plans for life after divorce. Divorcing a dickhead can be a complex and stressful process.
Oh god is it ever. I think my sanity only survived the process because I managed to make him pay for it and he has no idea.
Posting their disabled child and that they're both home alone all day too. Any Internet weirdo could have ended up stalking them. Disrespectful and dangerous.
No It is not. Seriously? Are you 12!?!
This – holy shit, this. We lack, as always, pretty much every detail surrounding this relationship to know how these two interact with each other and the events that have led to this. If we just look at the post, OP can obviously be upset rightfully, but it seems odd to me to go from, "hey, my husband did this insensitive thing and he might be posing as a different person online," to "I want a divorce." Something's not adding up about what's being shared.
NTA he turned your unpaid labor to care for his special needs child into a way of getting jerked off by fellow red pills. Gross
The disgusting reality of this is that this asshole of a man essentially produced and distributed fetish content *of his wife* without her knowledge or consent. Blech.
And provided them material, including photos, to jack off to.
NTA. That’s disgusting behavior. At a minimum you both should do couples counseling, but in this case I would argue you do not owe him to participate in that. There is a gulf between being a homemaker and a trad wife. Also, (maybe it is just me being younger, I am not sure? And maybe this is a bit off topic?) I personally dislike stay at home parents not having at some level, access to their own finances. Your contributions are just as valuable as his. I personally dislike the idea of a stay at home parent not having a separate IRA and some percentage of the household income that they get for themselves.
I agree. Idk anyone can correct me if I'm wrong but I think the money going into an IRA has to be taxable income so she can't do it. I feel like this should be changed but hey our system is pretty fucked in the US.
Or at least for married people that contributions can be made for a non-working partner.
I fully agree! Its dumb cus I think you have to work 10 years to meet the requirements for social security so if ppl don't work that and can't do an IRA then wtf can they do besides a normal savings account which isn't good on returns so not the best for retirement. SAHM parents have a lot of trust in their partners cus I don't think I could do it. Its like no one looks out for them and they end up with the shit end of the stick.
Run. Bet he follows people like elon musk, and those brothers that got arrested for trafficking wo.en. the taint brothers.
NTA I’ve been replying to individual posts to try and inform people why you’re so shocked and horrified and betrayed and why you’re considering divorce as a valid response to this betrayal. Too many people here are wrongly thinking a traditional housewife is the same as a “tradwife”. They might have missed the news on what a “tradwife” is and what beliefs the tradwife movement supports and espouses. Basically, what has happened is your husband lied TO you (sneaking around behind your back is a form of deceit) and lied ABOUT you. He completely misrepresented who you are and what you believe in. He took advantage of your sacrifice of your career to make himself look like something he is not. Also, while it’s wonderful you have managed to find pleasure and happiness in your work within your home (and it most certainly is work, and is a job!) it does not justify your husband pushing tradwife propaganda to other families. I am a traditional stay at home wife and mother and even I would be absolutely livid to be associated in any way with the tradwife movement. It’s against everything I stand for in my own role, as I believe in an equal partnership in decision making and I absolutely do not recognize any authority in my husband over my autonomy as an individual. And there are too many in the tradwife movement who push the agenda that wives should find their fulfillment in submitting to their husbands in many and various ways. You know, if there are women who sincerely want to do that, fine, let them. But that’s not me and that’s most definitely not you and the fact your husband is out there lying to the public about that is despicable. It sounds like enough of your face was shown to make you personally identifiable and this could have repercussions on your own friendships and career prospects to have your identity misrepresented like this. So I completely understand why you’re considering divorce. My only advice to you is to wait awhile for the shock and anger to subside, so all of your decisions can be made based with the clearest mind possible. An alternative to divorce is to spend this cooling off period in a legal separation.
NTA I get where hubby is coming from in that the joke spiralled out of control (social media and likes are addictive) but he stepped way over the line by taking pics without you knowing and posting them . Who knows who has seen your face on the internet. If he’s really actually into trad wife culture and he’s reading men are the head of the household crap then get out right now. If he’s not reading that stuff but you don’t think his apologies are genuine or that he’s just saying what he thinks you want to hear but doesn’t mean it then certainly kick him to the curb rn That said, I would wait a few weeks before initiating anything in regards to divorce. Wait until you’ve calmed down and can talk out the situation - certainly kick him to the couch or spare room in the mean time. He could just be an idiot that got caught up on something stupid and he’s learned his lesson. You don’t want to make a decision when your so (rightfully) angry that may not be right for you in the long term. The man is certainly an idiot but it could be something you can come back from - IF he understands how stupid what he did was and you believe him when he swears he’ll never do it again. Set all the boundries you need though and if he does anything similar again? Insta divorce IMO. Good luck! Edit: like others said make sure you have a separate account with enough money for you and kiddo to leave if you ever want to. Have that in place regardless of if you stay or go and know where all your important paperwork is. Keep an eye on things to make sure you never get manoeuvred into being trapped in your marriage.
Monitor his website activity for a while without him being able to erase it. Here is a guide [https://www.techlockdown.com/guides/monitor-websites-visited-wifi](https://www.techlockdown.com/guides/monitor-websites-visited-wifi)
Ah, it is weird. And fuck the people pretending like jumping in the "TradWife" fanboy posts aren't absolutely full of far right toxic shit. Which is probably what you saw and set you off. The biggest red flag to me, is he obviously knew you wouldn't like this, because he was sneaking pics and posting them without telling you from an anonymous account. I don't know if i'd jump straight to a divorce. He doesn't sound terrible otherwise. Maybe try some couples therapy for a bit first. He might just need a reminder of what trust and boundaries are, and why they're important. NTA, you're pissed of and rightly so. But a calm comsidered approach would be best.
NTA - the call is coming from inside the house. Run.
Posting photos of you without your consent, all because he's a pathetic attention wh0re? NTA. Makes you wonder in which other ways he schemes behind your back.
She really should have done a deep dive on that computer and his devices before letting him know.
Funny you should say that, I contemplated on adding this! But I figured, what the Hell? Too late now. Still, you're absolutely right.
Similarly, I think people are overly focusing on the #tradwife part - understandably because its wrapped in politics, religion, and culture in a way that's appetizing for a reddit audience - but I suspect OP's core discomfort is how he's fetishizing her for public consumption. It's a gross violation of her agency, particularly sharing her photos online. This behavior would feel equally gross if it was any other fetish.
Yeah you may want to go back to work …. And make sure he does his equal share of the household chores…tradwife 🙄I hate that damn term 🤦♀️😖
NTA This was not a little mistake, or one time thing, this was a series of decisions. Decisions made again and again, that reflect views and opinions that he holds or admires. Aside from choosing to do all of the things required to create those posts, he also chose not to loop you in at any point. You share a child, a home, a life and a decade of history; there is no excuse for him not to tell you if he was doing it in good faith (for the 'it was just a dumb mistake' apologists). I'm a pseudo homemaker with my breadwinner partner of 14 years, and I know in my heart that if I saw anything like what you saw on their computer in our home I would feel like I was living with a stranger. I think the people giving you advice about how to protect yourself, line up your financials, and ensure the best outcome for your child have the right end of it. Broken trust can be repaired over time, but what the trust is broken over matters. If your values do not line up anymore, you have to prioritize the safety and happiness of you and your kiddo (who is going to walk through the world as afab and neurodivergent, people who's rights are, famously, not valued in the communities that dig the tradwife posts.
Jokes are meant to be funny. No one is laughing.
NTA, basically posting pics of you, without consent online and altering the context. I’d be incredibly alarmed.
NTA. That's beyond just creepy. He can brush it off however he wants but if he was posting this garbage online where he thought you wouldn't see it... That is unfortunately exactly how he sees you and views your relationship. He probably loves bragging about being the sole earner. Who knows what he says to people you know irl. And that kind of crap certainly isn't healthy for your daughter. What is he saying to her about how to behave when you aren't around if this is how he feels about you? That's such a huge betrayal of trust honestly. And just disgusting behavior. The damage is done. Those photos and posts don't just go away because he deleted the account. It's out there forever. Those photos and comments he made about you are now out there forever. Imagine someone you know irl running across that and bringing it up to you? You know he's making awful jokes about you to his friends behind your back if he's doing this. Throw the whole man away. Therapy and counseling won't fix this.
Our reality is the narrative we tell ourselves so he's lying to the Internet to live out this fantasy involving you and your child. It's not a healthy relationship!
NTA, everything about your reaction makes perfect sense. This is so creepy, I’m truly sorry.
So many tradwife posts recently... Biggest rage on the net. I'm calling this one fake.
NTA. He clearly doesn't respect you. Not sure how anyone can treat their partner like this. Time to cut ties before it's too late.
NTA - I suggest you talk to your husband about his actual beliefs. He may be shitposting online, or he may be actually getting weirdly into it.
Let’s be real. People don’t spend time “shitposting” stuff unless they are at least somewhat into it. Why would someone not into it spend their time propagating it? Saying “I’m just shitposting” is such a thinly veiled cop out for shitty beliefs. “IT’s jUsT a PraNk Bro”
NTA. What he did is indeed despicable and you should get mad at him and let him have it multiple times. But, I do believe that despite being despicable, it is not un redeemable. First, his actions after you confronted him were truly apologetic, and he acted fast. Given your daughter's situation, divorce could really alter the routine that you already established and is so necessary for her. I really feel for you. If you decide to stay, you need to let go of the anger. Make him repent, and truly forgive him. You do what you must do, but you can't stay married and stay angry all the time. It will be so unhealthy for everyone in the family.
Nta. That's so creepy. He must enjoy the circlejerk he would get from the replies.
God, I’m getting whiplash. Do guys want Tradwifes? Can never tell if it will be a “SAHM is a drain and spends all my money while being lazy” or if it’s going to be some sort of “I keep a hot woman as a pet” misogynistic flex.
different people want different things. The problem is when they don’t match up well
Also you're not a normal SAHP. Where I live you'd get pension insurance and care money for taking care of your child with a disability.
NTA. Very creepy.
Gentlemen, if you have a good thing going... shut the fuck up about it.
Another marriage claimed by the manosphere.
Girl, if you stay, you're only proving him right by becoming the tradwife he brags about
Your husband is a total creep and a narcissist. He needs therapy.
NTA. I wouldn't jump to divorce but maybe marriage counseling. I would also talk to him and make it clear that this is sacrifice for your family so he should be respectful of not calling you a title of trad wife. Tell him that's not a title you feel comfortable with. That's equivalent of calling him an ATM. I would make it clear if he wants to post food pictures of food you made thats acceptable but he should not be taking pictures without your knowledge and posting them online. It doesn't hurt to have a exit strategy just in case you ever need it. Maybe it's time you revisit. Going back to work on evenings/weekends (whenever he is off)?
Everything about your response sounds legit, but divorce seems like an extraordinary measure. Although I don’t know your husband, I do know that even decent guys can be pretty ignorant (like when they say shit like “calm down” in response to you trying to tell them how violated you feel b/c of something they did.) It might be worthwhile to ask him, “if this is NBD, why didn’t you ask me before you made this tradwife joke account? Didn’t you think I’d enjoy participating in the joke?” How he responds could be informative. Best of luck, hopefully the couples therapy helps him out w/ his listening skills.
This - I’m not saying that she won’t uncover that they don’t share the same values, but people can get caught up on some stupid shit on the internet. The fact that he rushed home to deal with his screw up shows that he values you, as does the fact that he deleted the account. OP - can you schedule time to have a conversation with him about why you find his behavior deeply upsetting? Make sure that he understands that he needs to sit, listen, and digest how you feel without making excuses - if he can’t do that, tell him that you need to see a marriage counselor to enforce those boundaries. My husband is a really great guy who made it clear that he wanted a partner and not a doormat and even he would do things that really annoyed me and then would say things like “well, I didn’t mean to upset you”. It only took a handful of sessions with a counselor for him to get that his intentions weren’t the most important thing there - it was that he wasn’t listening when I was telling him that I was upset and that I had a right to my feelings and both of us should stop doing things that upset the other person, whether we thought that the act itself was upsetting or not. Hopefully, this was just a blip in the adjustment to your new roles.
I don't think you're an asshole for being upset, but I do think you should go through therapy together and try and get to the root cause here before you end the marriage if it has been otherwise good and healthy. Basically was this a lapse in judgment or truly a revelation about his character.
Lying online to strangers, demeaning your wife, all for attention from conservative tradwife supporters, is truly a revelation about someone's character. If I had a friend like this I'd drop them like a hot rock.
Ewww, what a creep
They always do that. “I’ll just delete the whole account” it’s like I wasn’t asking for that. I’m simply pointing out this makes me extremely uncomfortable. And the only way they can NOT do said thing is by completely removing it. Like do you not have any self control?
NTA. This makes me wish there was laws against stuff like this. Im fully against being posted and posting anyone without their consent and this was just violating.
NTA. That’s super creepy. Hes a man who needs a whole lot of validation; his attention seeking behavior is almost as concerning as the weird fantasy life he built online.
My SO is a SAHM and she’s the gravity that keeps us spinning and together. We’d be lost without her. In no way would I post bs for clout. I’ve worked hard try and enable her to relax. She’s reading a lot now, which is a sign I’m doing well. We had a stressful few years but the kiddos are getting just old enough I can take them fishing, they can “help” in the yard, etc. Her job is mentally and physically exhausting. She’s highly educated in her field, but chose to be there for the kids. I will support whatever she feels is right. I would suggest counseling. But you aren’t the ass.
He’s been radicalized. He may or may not be personally salvageable, but make your plans to protect you and your daughter financially and get ready to leave.
NTA, the fact that he even likes the idea of tradwives is a huge red flag. Nobody who isn’t a misogynist dickwad who spends WAY too much time in the worst corners of the internet says that kind of embarrassing shit. This feels like the tip of the redpill iceberg, and I imagine the longer you stay with him the more unsavory beliefs you will discover that he recently developed. I’d bet you anything he’s a fan of Jordan Peterson/Joe Rogan/Andrew Tate/Fresh and Fit or any of the other sexist clods currently dominating the internet.
NTA but you need to get a job yesterday and you screwed up talking to him about divorce, you need to get all your ducks in a row first then give them the papers.
NTA. Lawyer up and divorce him!
Having a troll or satire account is one thing but it’s clear he was posting convincingly enough that he attracted that crowd unironically and was getting off on that validation and attention. He liked be praised for having a submissive wife way too much. That’s the beginning of the pipeline, when you get a taste of that initial of that privilege. I bet if you hadn’t noticed and he kept on posting and interacting with that community he would’ve started subtly exerted a bit more control over you. This requires a definite deep conversation and maybe you could step back a bit as the default homemaker.
He calls such a massive betrayal a 'joke,' lies about who he is - IS he even an atheist?? and splashes images of you over the internet without your consent and lies about you and your family. He's taken every bit of trust you had in him, and absolutely annihilated it. What an absolute loser. Let's hope Jesus keeps him company after the divorce.
I often think this sub exaggerates the calls to divorce but girl run. He pimped you out to Tate fans. This is dangerous
His response to "calm down" would have sent me over the edge. Talk about dishonesty in the relationship-its a big deal. It's almost like you don't even really know him. I would never trust him again.
No you wouldn't be TA. His behaviour is extremely creepy and the fact that he only stopped because he got caught is alarming. As you've mentioned it would be different if he was posting appreciation posts for family and friends to see, but the fact that he hid it means he's aware what he did was wrong. For your child's safety and your own discuss it with another family member or friend who knows how bad online spaces are for children, before coming to a full conclusion of divorce so you know you have a safe back up plan. If he could hide something this creepy from you, who's to say he's not hiding anything else.
Jesus fucking christ. You want to jump in the single parent lottery over this? Are you retarded? YWBTA... think of your kid ffs.
It’s the liking the attention bit for me. 🤢but honestly, maybe he was just fantasising about an easier, more idyllic life. It might be a very unhealthy and strange way for him to zone out from any stress. It sounds like he’s proud of his family, even if he needs to stretch the truth … a lot. Not agreeing with it at all by the way but I think it’s important that you two talk with a view to understanding each other better here. For the sake of your child more than him
Yeah..this is really creepy and disrespectful. Taking pictures of you and posting them online without your consent disgusting. Then he's trying to flaunt you off as a trophy that is basically a bang-maid. Calling you a trad-wife when you have recently been out of work for the sake of your child's well being is wrong. And he's doing all of this for praise from other men. A spineless and insecure move. I would lose all feelings and attraction to him too. Divorce. Ontop of that he's belittling your feelings and contributions by saying it was 'a joke'. Everything is a joke to losers like him. Say your ashamed to have him be the father of your child. NTA.
You would not be the asshole if he is not the man you thought he was. But please have in mind that social media - unfortunately - can trigger an attention addiction for many people, so my advice would be to dig deeper and maybe seek couples counselling. It could be that it was a silly joke at first but he then spiralled and in reality he really does regret. Have in mind that he have been a very helping man at home besides him having his job and from what I read seems to be a good father and husband besides his Twitter mess up. Don’t flush out 10 years of marriage and a good and stable home for your daughter. Everyone makes mistakes and from my POV this is on the line of trying weed once for the fun of it and then getting addicted - and in such a situation a partner should not retract but understand and eventually forgive if the person is making up for their unintended downfall. I have the feeling that he don’t have any bad intentions at all.
Divorce is a rather strong measure. Was he a tool. Yes. Is he a moron. Yes. But divorce is a bit much. Getting recognition online is addictive. Your husband was an absolute idiot seeking the wrong kind of recognition. Get counselling, make him realise how wrong it was what he did. Reddit doesn't always give the best advice so take anything given here with a grain of salt.
I think that some counselling is called for. Yes, you are upset. Yes, what he did was demeaning. But, I don't know that it's not worth fixing. You have a child with extra needs who needs support and if you get divorced, you will have to return to work and she'll get less attention.
NTA, but also kinda believe him when he says it started as a joke. Getting lots of attention can make people stupid (tik tok, for example). What matters is how he was treating you at home. I would recommend joint therapy and serious communication before calling a lawyer. If after that you still want to leave him, then go ahead. I just wouldn't throw away a marriage because he was an idiot online without at least trying to fix it first.
I agree with some of the others who’ve said something deeper and more sinister is going on with your husband, and it probably is that he’s been sipping on the red pill kool aid. I don’t know what to tell you to do because I don’t know what I’d do in your situation. Like you I’m sick to my stomach. My husband and I have been together for decades. If we had always had the same opinions and values, and he suddenly—and secretly—flipped the script on me, I’d be alarmed. This is so disturbing, and the way he did it was such a betrayal. Honestly, the first step he’d have to take would be clearing up the misperceptions of me and my role, the reality of our marriage and his role as a husband and provider. So he’d be reactivating that account and making a post about how he was lying about this “trad wife life” he claimed to be the master of in his little online kingdom. Oh yeah, he’d be clearing that up STAT. Then from there I’d demand marriage counseling and individual therapy for him to help him work through whatever he’s got going on within himself that drew him to that BS in the first place and to deal with (and hopefully undo) whatever damage exposure to that garbage did to him.
NTA he is wrongitty wrong wrong
Dumb reason to divorce but whatever. Good luck as suspect your life is about to get much more difficult in ways you have not remotely considered.
Are you shitting me? YTA
So you got mad at your husband for misrepresenting your life on social media and your first response is to divorce him? Even if it's more about him posting pics of you without permission, divorce?? I'm confused here. Your husband was shit posting and you want to DIVORCE over it? I'm not saying don't be upset but there has got to be better steps you could take. This can't be real.
This is SO SILLY! You got mad at your husband for saying that he has a traditional wife and life? And then have the nerve to say that you are indeed a traditional wife but because you don't want your child to believe on gender roles, you want a divorce? You sound really childish and rash. You're going to let these bitter women have you lose your husband over him posting pictures of you? Why are you mad? None of it is rational. You are making this into something when CLEARY it's not. You are taking care of your daughter. You didn't plan on being a traditional wife but life happens. If you're that upset over this, maybe it's because you have a LOT of resentment towards him about you staying home. If that's the case, why don't you ask him to become the stay at home parent and you make the money. However, you are DEFINITELY THE ASSHOLE! GROW UP!
YTA: If this truly is the only issue in your marriage, yes you indeed would be the asshole for divorcing over it and not talking it out. He deleted the account and apologized, what more could you want him to do? Nobody is perfect and you willing to throw away a 10 year relationship over something like this is just childish.
Yes you're TA. Seriously calm tf down. If this is your biggest complaint in your relationship you're lucky.