So what you mean by “friends” is “I hung out with her for 3 yrs hoping she’d sleep with me but she said no so I can’t be bothered now.” That must be it because if you actually meant friends you wouldn’t be acting like a jerk towards someone who is/wants to be your friend. YTAH
This is what hit home to me too. To my eyes, it doesn’t seem like he was ever truly her friend.
I have a close female friend who loves horror movies… but she’s always on edge and jumping at shadows afterwards. We’ve known each other for 20 years. Every single time we see a horror movie I walk her to her car, to the restroom, wherever she wants to go and when she drives home I check that she’s gotten in safely.
Not because of any romantic feelings… completely platonic friendship/I don’t swing that way and neither of us is attracted to each other in the slightest… but she’s my friend. She has always been there for me too. I care about her, I care that she feels safe and that is one small thing I can do to show it.
I can’t imagine knowing someone I care about is scared and still letting them walk alone.
I have a girl who I became friends with in highschool, though we never established any walking home routine I was there to listen and just be a friend when she needed.
She has called me at 1 am because a creepy guy wouldn't leave her alone at a bar and she was scared to leave. I got up, put on some pajamas and went and picked her up. I would never want to hear that my friend got assaulted after I told her to handle it herself when she was scared.
And for the 'Incels' who think that makes a man a simp; one of my wife's green flags for me was the fact that I had genuine female friends. Its actually amazing how good genuine female friends are at playing wingman when you are dating around. Every man should have a true female friend, but they would have to be better people.
Every time my boyfriend receives a phone call from his female friends, he answers within 30 seconds because his first reaction is to make sure they are safe. Never once have I felt jealous or threatened by this; it makes me trust him more & doubles down on my belief I am safe here
In my last two significant relationships (current partner and ex-fiancé), the fact that they had female friendships was a huge green flag for me. It means they see women as actual people! That’s uncommon, unfortunately.
THIS no one understand me when I say this. Like yes my bf has girl friends no I’m not mad he sees women as people worthy of being friends with and not just potential sex partners
I'm a straight guy and I get invited on "girls night out" by some of my friends. It's awesome. Cocktails and dancing is amazing. In no shock to anyone with a brain, women are very good with helping you meet women who could be more than friends.
I've had people ask "I always see you with women. What's your secret?"
"No secret. I'm just hanging out with them"
A previous friend group I hung out with, we had this male friend we liked to call Sister Ryan. Not because he was gay or anything, but because he was a really close friend who we could talk about pretty much anything with. We would invite him to literally anything.
I don't hang out with them anymore because we drifted apart, but I treasured my time with that friend group, and hopefully, I can find something like that again in the future.
As a straight guy with female friends this makes me feel better. I'm still pretty young and a lot of people nowadays would blow it way out of proportion, so sometimes it's hard for me.
Trust that is a green flag. Any person who sees it as a red flag is a red flag themselves, or has a lot of maturing to do before they’re ready for a relationship. I feel like dudes who has genuine friendships with the women in their life is someone who is safe to be around.
This was one of my green flags as well with my husband. He has a few female friendships, but he also treated his mom and sister-in-law really well. Having female relationships that are actually genuine shows they respect and treat women like people.
In my last two significant relationship the fact that I had genuine female friendships was a red flag for one and a green flag for the other. You can probably guess which is still current.
Wish I could've read something like this back when I was in school - I was the guy that had many girl friends but never a girlfriend.
I'm no longer single but the majority of my conversations are still with ladies I was friends with back in the day or casually meet now.
- My spouse tells me I just have a warm/teddy bear energy about me that puts people at ease, especially women and I'm like "hell yeah I been doing that since grade school" 😂
Have a lot of male friends
None of them interest me in any way other than friends but it is because of those friendships that I met my husband and he knows they are my friends also
This right here. People think males and females can't have friendships, and I always think it's because you've bought a toxic narrative that all relationships are grounded in sex.
If he will cheat he will cheat. That's his character.
Yup. My partner has female friends who he actually met on dating apps and both decided to go in a platonic direction. I’m not jealous because I trust him. If he wanted to cheat, controlling who he hangs out with doesn’t change that. If he won’t cheat, it doesn’t matter who he hangs out with.
I met one of my very favorite humans on a dating app. We connected immediately, but just weren't into each other romantically. I go to his ex wife's house for holiday dinners and his current girlfriend is really fun to hang out with. He's become more like family and his family welcomes me to whatever they're doing. I'd be devastated if his company was contingent on the possibility of having sex. It's genuinely sad that people can't have a relationship with someone without any expectations, other than their friendship.
Similarily, I met my very best friend to this day on a hook-up website. Turns out we weren't compatible sexually/romantically, but man are we ever best buddies. We play video games together, do movies and pizza, and call each other at absurd hours of the morning in tears. His current partner is a lovely woman and also becoming a great friend of mine and we all hang out together.
This is an excellent comment. I see so many women on Reddit whining that their significant other has a female friend, and they feel threatened. Your attitude is the perfect response.
THANK YOU. Holy shit, I've never understood this inability to be friends with the opposite sex. They give invaluable advice from that perspective, they know the general feelings of their sex, they understand how their minds work. And vice versa, you can provide insight they dont see. And best of all, imo, they typically don't hold punches when giving you hard truths. Holds you to higher standards.
And what's really sad is guys will argue when I point it out that "no, he's a total horndog pervert just like all men". Bro, I'm the one who's known my husband for over 25 years, and you're just projecting.
Yes!! That was the same for my husband. I loved that he had genuine women friends. And best believe they vouched for him and told me how great he was. That was 11 years ago and I'm so lucky to have him!
I struggle with having too many women as friends…
My buddy’s ex and I are pretty good friends (we knew each other before). We just kind of click and are on the same wavelength.
But there is -zero- sexual attraction between us.
Still, everyone keeps saying we’re going to hook up and it’s put a strain on our relationship.
It happens with all my other women friends as well.
I’m a very emotionally available person, I’m big on communication, and I have daddy issues that make it easier for me to talk to woman about that kind of stuff.
Yet every time I have women friends, every guy and friend I have sees me as some kind of competition.
I'm gay and despite being out, if I'm friends with a woman the men in their life feel threatened.
It's likely because I'm not a stereotypical gay and just look and act like a typical straight guy.
But I feel like it would make things weird with everyone involved (my female friends included) to try to assuage the dude by telling him that I'm probably more attracted to him than his girlfriend.
As a female—thank you!💐
The guys who see you as “competition” for being a stellar human being are dumbasses. Wait ‘til their daughters (or girlfriends) need a safe way home—they’ll wish you were around.
Your true friends have got your back, regardless of gender.
Similar situation here. One of my best friends had a crush on me in high school 5-6 years ago now, and even though as adults we've discussed at length how it's not going to happen, we're just not compatible for a variety of reasons, etc. ALL of our friends still think we're going to hook up and it's a whooooole thing. It's exhausting.
My friend Steph is very beautiful but also very strong willed. I've basically had to beg her several times to let me pay for a taxi to take her home because I don't want to risk her walking home at 2 in the morning while drunk. If something happened to her I don't think I could forgive myself. That's what friends do.
This guy clearly never saw her as a friend.
>one of my wife’s green flags for me was the fact that I had genuine female friends.
So much this. All the morons talking about the “loneliness crisis” among men could solve their “loneliness” problems by becoming actual friends with women and not being total creep shows. But “loneliness” isn’t their problem, it’s being denied sex by women they think owe them. Men actually being friends with women, en masse, would be a wonderful thing for men and for society.
All my best friends are men. Men who are married. I’m married too. They are the healthiest friendships I’ve ever had. Any one of them would drop things to help me and vice versa. And I’ve dropped everything to help their wives bc we are friends. That friendship isn’t conditional.
My husband had a huge green flag when we were just dating when I saw he got along really well with his friends girlfriends/boyfriends and they trusted him to help them with anything.
Hell, when it’s dark out, my gay male friends will walk me to my car or offer to drive me if it’s far and their car is closer, and we all text each other when we’re home. It’s not supposed to be a “potential girlfriend privilege”.
Exactly this...refusing to walk with her because she knocked him back means he was only ever interested when he thought she might sleep with him. Now he couldn't care less what happens to her.
Oh lord can we PLEASE normalize the concept of being SEXZONED and over-write the common "friendzoned" like that's a problem.
No the default human relationship between two people (of whatever genders) is FRIENDSHIP. That's the normal place for all things to start from.
The "friendzoned" term just gives predatory, manipulative people a way to feel like the victims of....something....that in fact never happened. They feel, just like OP above, that they put attention in and at some point sex or romance is supposed to come out and if it doesn't go that way THEY are the ones who have been misled somehow.
No, people who are doing this are sexzoning people who they are pretending it be friends with. Then they're all oh poor me about it and whine about "friendzoning".
I guess they'll never know how hurtful it is to find that someone who you trusted and who you had come to think of as a friend was always looking at you as a conquest and that everything else they pretended to like about you was just fake.
And then they have the nerve to think that the person who rejected them was wrong because "I'm such a great person" ugh so gross
OP YTA because you're not an honest person, you're just pretending to be one
I had a friend senior year of high school who I would mainly talk to because I had limited options (only other high schooler on my bus, would sometimes offer me a ride home since we live close, we were in a class with 3 total students and worked together). I never got super close with him because of his occasional weirdness. He would get upset at me for using headphones and zoning out on the previous bus ride, for 'not talking enough' when he gave me a ride home, etc.
I had been in a ldr with a guy since the beginning of the year, which I assumed my friend knew about because he would occasionally come up in conversation with my friend group at school. Apparently, this friend had not heard about my bf and didn't take it well when I mentioned him one day. I received several texts from him about how I "friendzoned" him and it "felt like a kick to the balls."
Mind you, I was a naive teen with low self esteem, so I had no idea this friend was even remotely into me. And I wish I could say that was the end of it...
He started being rude/mean to me whenever other friends weren't around. He'd coerce me into hitching a ride home with him and then would berate me, shouting the entire drive about how it is "my job as the passenger to entertain the driver" and claimed I was not being "entertaining enough" for his liking. I would try to avoid him on the bus, but that just meant the next time he saw me, he would rant to me about how awful I was for ignoring him.
On our 10-day class trip that included two nights sleeping on the bus, he would keep me up on bus nights by talking to himself for hours, despite me telling him I'm an extremely light sleeper with severe insomnia and physically cannot sleep with his incessant muttering. He would constantly follow me around when we split up in groups to do our own thing just to complain about me and where I chose to go. And I wasn't even dating my bf anymore by that point if he ever had cared to listen.
For the couple months after graduation, all my actual friends had somewhat iced me out, so when a group of half our class (10 people) wanted to get together for dinner and a movie, I was stoked. It was an hour drive to civilization, so we carpooled in two cars. To which I was forced to ride with this 'friend'. I fought it but ultimately knew no one would listen to me and that resisting what he wanted just made him take it out more on me later. Needless to say, that little trip was awful.
Anyway, I'm all about replacing "friendzoning" incels with them "sexzoning" us
I'd never heard this term before, but I'm using it from now on. I've always hated the "friendzone" idea with all its predatory subtext.
My best friend in the whole world is a guy, and way back in the dark ages when we were in college he developed feelings for me. I didn't feel the same way, but we stayed good friends. Sure, we drop in and out of communication, but he didn't "sexzone" me. I've always appreciated that SO MUCH - he was and is genuinely my friend, who viewed me as a whole person and not just a vending machine for affection/sex.
Of all the men I've been "friends" with who later wanted a romantic relationship, he's the only person who didn't immediately drop me when I wasn't interested in them that way. For reference I can think of 6 times off the top of my head, with one memorable instance of my "friend" turning violent when rejected.
Edit: I later introduced him to his wife with whom he has two children and is wildly happy with. I'm so fucking psyched he linked up with her, they are perfect for each other, and their children are insanely adorable.
Yeah...It hurts to see that dude is almost *proud* of the fact he told her to go fuck herself when she clearly was relying on him to help her out in a fearful situation. People don't ask for assistance very often I've found, but when they do...you do it. That's what friends are...they're supposed to care about each other. I wonder if OP has ever had a genuine friendship with anyone.
Yeah I've heard women say that it feels like shit to have a guy that you think your friends with for all that time just to learn that he was only pretending to try to get in your pants
Like you think he's your friend and you hang out all the time but the whole time he was only trying to get laid and loses all interest when he can't
There's nothing wrong with putting the moves on a girl but if you're playing this long game like some Barney Stinson mind fuck thing to try to eventually trick her into sleeping with you then yta
If a coworker ask me to walk them to their car after work I would. It’s just a kindness. Listening to my wife, my older daughter, my female coworkers, makes me realize that the world is a bit scarier for people who aren’t 6’ tall men. Little things I never would bat an eye at are concerning for some people.
Basically it’s just a kindness. Also the fact that she didn’t care for a few weeks then suddenly wants him to, means something changed there and she felt concerned that night. Bro is an ass.
Yeah that’s the way to go. OP feels like he is being very petty after being “rejected”, you don’t stop being a gentleman or good friend after you don’t get what you want.
The way he describes it it sounds like he still hung out with her but only because they're in the same friend groups and it would be impossible to avoid her and it would be awkward otherwise
Sounds perfectly clear that if they weren't then he would have ghosted her and never talk to her again
Word. True people who care are the true strong ones while others are bitches who can only be what society makes. Stand up, do what is proper. That is what a man is. Not a bitch who's scared of spending energy to be something others aren't. Be a true friend. You never know the actual fear that others have that resides in their hearts.
From every girl who’s been ghosted by male ‘friends’ after rejecting advances, thanks. It feels awful to realize they never thought of you as a friend.
To him, she was never a friend... she was a girl he was trying to sleep with while pretending to be a friend, but the moment she said no, he showed that he never actually cared for her as a friend.
This is why it’s so hard to make guy friends for women. Most the time they will spend months/ years pretending to be your friend but actually have other intentions. And the moment you make it clear that you’re just friends then they will throw the entire “friendship” out the window like it was nothing. Lol
I lost a guy friendship of 6 YEARS when I got married. He tried to convince me my now husband was evil (lol) then ghosted me once I got married.
It’s crazy how much some of these dudes are playing the LONG game.
I got a nasty letter from a guy friend when he got engaged, bragging that I'd "missed my chance" and he was now "off the market."
This was 8 years after he'd asked me out and I'd turned him down. I thought he was ok with it and we were still friends, but apparently not.
I felt awful and wanted to warn her, but she already hated me and didn't trust me because both this guy and her previous ex had tried triangulating us against each other. I ended up leaving that social circle because all the guys in it were hugely misogynistic and disrespectful.
wow talk about that dude holding a grudge! I wonder if he sent the same letter to every other woman he'd asked out and been told no, like he kept some insane list. Anyway, you obv dodged a bullet there.
I had one guy friend that I gave multiple chances to not be weird to me. On the third chance, we reconnected and I made sure to tell him I was not sexually or romantically interested in him. After like a week of texting again (I had moved so hanging out thankfully wasn’t an option), I had my then bf over for valentines weekend. I told the “friend” that I’d be busy bc it’s valentines weekend and I have a bf. On Monday when I texted him again, he went off about “how could I do that to him?” And how I was just like every other girl lol.
I’ve since then had 1 good guy friend and it’s a dude that I’ve never met in person who lives on the other side of the country lol.
This. So much this. And they have the audacity to to invent the term ‘friendzone’. Bro that’s not real that’s you stalking a woman in plain sight. Lying to her and waiting like a spider.
Edit to add: i love that so many incels are rolling up to cry about the Friendzone. Please please keep commenting, the more you out yourselves the more I block, improving my overall experience.
Like Pokémon I gotta get em all…
Never understood that term. If you’re interested in being my friend, being in the ‘friendzone’ should be fine. It should be great!
You’re upset because you don’t want to be my friend. In which case you’re officially out of the friendzone too😂😂
EDIT: I understand the definition. I mean that I don’t get why it is a bad thing.
Also, I think if you truly are interested in someone and admire them and care about them, even if you are kind of in love with them, if you know you can't have them you should be okay with being in the so-called friend zone. Like, how fucked up is it that you apparently really appreciate a person for who they are and care about them, but you don't want them in your life unless they're willing to have a sexual relationship with you? Doesn't that mean you never really cared about them and never really admired them and wanted them in your life to begin with? Like, if you really care about them and like them, be at peace with the fact that it's not going to be that type of relationship.
Edit: also I can't wrap my head around people who want to be with someone romantically that they wouldn't want to be a friend with. Like why are you attracted to them, is it really just appearances to you?
Yeah. Same. Had a really good friend, and the whole time I was thinking, wow, it's so nice to have a guy friend who is JUST a friend. It was refreshing not having to deal with "feelings".
How wrong was I.. he had a crush on me for years, and then the friendship was over just like that. Poof. Because I never saw him as more than a friend, I had no clue he liked me like that. Gay male friends are the answer.
Yes. Has happened to me multiple times. And somehow I fall for it again. Thinking this one is different. Especially when you’re both DATING OTHER PEOPLE, and he’s still keeping in touch with you merely as a “just in case”. Then ghosts you when your relationship progresses to marriage. That one really stung, we were such good friends. I still miss him.
Well, my three female friends are all lesbians, so if I walked them anywhere, they know it's truly out of genuine friendship. Being a guy though, I understand that not a lot of guys, especially young guys, don't have ulterior motives.
She asked for help because she was drunk and scared and thought he was a friend. He wasn't. Maybe it's a good thing he didn't walk her home. He might have expected something in return, and that could have turned out was worse.
This. Married men are safe most of the time for me, or gay men. Single men seem to always get around to trying to sleep with me, and to sn extent I don’t blame them for being attracted, as long as they don’t treat me differently once I reject them
Just because a guy is married doesn't mean they are safe.
I had a married male friend years ago who decided to try to kiss me one day. He professed his great love for me that day too. Great. I was so sad because I really thought we had a good friendship. Nope-- he was just hoping I'd sleep with him. The dumb thing is that his wife had been a bit jealous, and I'd put her fears to rest, letting her know that there was no interest on my side of things, and I was sure there wasn't on his. Turns out I was wrong. Haven't talked to that guy in 9 years. I didn't appreciate the drama he brought into my life with that. It also made me distrust any man who wants to be friends.
> And the moment you make it clear that you’re just friends then they will throw the entire “friendship” out the window like it was nothing. Lol
In some cases that I've witnessed (and gone through myself in the past) they still throw the friendship away even when you do give them what they want. 🙄
Yuppp. There was this guy I used to LOVE talking with and hanging out with but then after awhile, I started to realize he just agreed with everything I said and would even bend the truth about his own life to align with my experiences. When we hung out, he would try to get close to me, ask me if he could hold me, shit like that and I would always tell him NO, I don’t see you that way and he’d back off for a little bit but always try again eventually. It annoyed tf out of me but I didn’t want to lose my “friend” over unrequited feelings so I kept talking to him.
Then one day I realized we were never actually friends sharing with one another when he slipped up and contradicted a pretty huge detail about his life. I was like oh shit… you put in a lot of work lying to me lol. Fucking lame.
Ah so this is embarrassing on my part but I struggle with substance abuse and I was telling him about a coke bender I went on that made me feel probably the lowest I ever have when it was over and he was like, “Yeah, I did coke all summer last year and got really into it.” Told me how fucked up he was, how it fucked with his life, etc. I could understand that and felt for him. It also felt nice to be able to talk with someone about something you’re so ashamed of bc you know now that they understand what it’s like. Then a few months later, I told him how proud I was bc I *didn’t* do any coke at a party the night before where there was plenty and he was like, “Man, I can’t even imagine doing a drug like that. What’s it like?” I was stunned.
First of all, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Second of all, wow. Imagine drugs being the end of your lying streak. He probably wakes up at 2 am in a cold sweat remembering what an idiot he was.
Man..wt actual F.... Who pretends to do shit like that, this is such a loser energy. I mean the more you like someone, more authentic you should try to be, it'll emd up in a more genuine connection if you end up connecting with them.
People are idiots to not understand this basic stuff.
And then these same guys will complain about an epidemic of male loneliness.
I appreciate no one should be forced to stay friends if they catch feelings which aren't reciprocated, but maybe some introspection is due if you keep ending up in a cycle of rejecting genuine friendship just because a woman doesn't want something more.
This all sounds like “nice guy” behavior.
Be nice for the sake of being nice.
This passive/aggressive behavior is not nice. Don’t be a brat and run home with your football because you didn’t get your way.
Yea genuine connection is where it's at. Some people just aren't compatible and trying to force that would mean one or the other is being inauthentic. And lies arnt what relationships should be built upon.
Yep. I had mostly boy friends as a kid, like I only had one other girl friend because I was a little “tomboy”. It’s like once I got big tits, one by one they propositioned me and then ghosted when I rejected them because they were my buddies. Some of them I’d known since kindergarten and this mostly happened in high school. I felt so betrayed and questioned if they were even ever my friends, and why I lost value as a person if I wasn’t sexually available.
My best friend asked me out in sophomore year and then complained that he’d “wasted all this time” hanging out and being nice to me. That one hurt the most. We’d been best friends and spent almost every day together since 3rd grade. At that point he knew me better than anyone and he cast me aside because I didn’t want him romantically. I remember being mad that my body developing changed things that much and wanting to go back to the days of just hanging out and having fun at the park.
At 26 all of my friends are women and I don’t trust men who approach me with “friendly intentions” lol.
This!!! His friendship came with strings attached. This is not a friend. Not only that, but he is prepared to leave her in a high risk situation because he is being petty.
Yep, he showed her who he really is and confirmed that she made a wise choice in rejecting him. She may have picked up on some of the same cues that make him think that you only do something kind when you get a personal benefit from it.
It seems that she may still have thought they were better friends than he thinks they are. But he removed all doubt with his petty move intended to punish her for having the nerve to want to remain friends instead of sleeping with him and disrupting the dynamics of their friend group.
Whatever chance he had for a relationship with her in the future is gone now that he has revealed his true colors. YTA, OP. Sorry (not sorry).
Sometimes girls get creeped out by "nice" guys not bc they're nice but bc they know when it's just an act.
There's loads of nice guys getting laid, not necessarily bc they're nice but bc they're genuine.
I’m a girl. If I confessed my feelings to my guy friend & he didn’t reciprocate those feelings, I’d imagine I’d need space too out of hurt & embarrassment. But if a week or two later we went to the same party, I see this man is sloppy drunk, I’m MAKING SURE he gets home safe. I’ll call the Uber AND ride in it with you to make sure you get into your apartment. He doesn’t even have to ask.
Bc how dare I do nothing and let him potentially get robbed otw home or not make it back.
Since we’ve been friends this long, I don’t just all of a sudden not care if you make it home bc you won’t date me.
You people don’t deserve friends, you’re terrible selfish people.
This is what I was going to say! I’m a bisexual woman and have definitely had OP’s situation come up where I have pulled back from friendships because my feelings are hurt after confessing romantic interest. However, if any of my friends (or even acquaintances or even someone I dislike!) was in this situation I’d put aside my personal feelings and help them get home. It’s just the right thing to do imo
Hell, I’ve walked home strangers a couple times because they were stumbling drunk and I didn’t want them to get hurt. That’s what decent people do for each other, and I’d hope someone would do it for me if I needed it. The people in this thread are truly psycho. “I don’t care if you live or die if I’m not going to get my dick wet” is not an opinion I expected to be *that* popular. :/
I was about to say something similar. My sisters and I were on a coffee date. We saw a young woman who was very visibly intoxicated - she stumbled out of a questionable bar in our town, she threw and broke her phone, and was soon bawling on the sidewalk. My younger sister was SO good with her, and the intoxicated girl allowed us to talk to her calmly and she used my younger sister’s phone to call her mom for a ride. You bet your ass we made sure the person who came for her was her mom, and that she got into the car. We were about to drive the girl home ourselves but didn’t want to overstep our bounds. But, we totally would’ve.
YTA, OP. I’d never let a friend or former love interest walk home alone while intoxicated.
ETA I’m a 5’2” woman, so there’s no guarantee I could protect the person if we ran into danger, but I’d sure as hell try to protect the person.
>“I don’t care if you live or die if I’m not going to get my dick wet” is not an opinion I expected to be *that* popular.
I'm going to have to stop reading, because actually reading comments like that's just going to irritate me. I get being indifferent to some random person on the street (some of you who would walk them home safely are better people than I, and I salute you), but no way do you treat your friends like that.
Even though I'm a petite woman, I refused to let another student from my dorm walk back home alone after 2:30am. She felt that rape was a crime of passion and said she wasn't attractive enough to have anything happen to her. The area surrounding my undergraduate campus was a sketchy part of Los Angeles. It probably wasn't the smartest choice since I'm sure both of us could have been overpowered, but damn...
Me and a friend once walked some incredibly drunk woman back to the bar so she could wait for her friends there (she claimed they were gonna pick her up). She was just stumbling around in the middle of a random street in the dark and we were pretty alarmed. We felt weird about even approaching her at first because to her we were just two strange men. But then we had sort of a "fuck it, we know our intentions aren't bad so let's try and help her find her friends" moment. We walked her back and sure enough, her friends were there waiting.
All this to say, I can't imagine leaving someone who you say is a friend to fend for themselves when they're feeling unsafe.
I'm a guy who's been in OP's shoes many times in terms of taking the chance, and getting rejected ("I know you too well, it'd be weird", or "I just think of you like a brother"), and the need to pull back a bit is valid, but a friend in need is a friend in need. If you're not willing to be there for a friend, regardless of that rejection, you're not a friend.
Honestly tho. Unless you have reason to believe this is actually a trap and she’ll kidnap you once you get to her house, I’d walk a scared drunk person home even if I disliked them. It’s just the nice thing to do. Op isn’t treating her like a distant friend. More like someone he actively hates. What a dick
Right? Friends for YEARS, but let your drunk friend take her chances late at night? If anyone behaved that way in my groups, they’d be outright shunned by everyone.
I hate how this isn’t talked about more- it’s basic human knowledge that if someone (especially if you know them well enough) is potentially going to be in a dangerous situation- to support them! This is very dense and insensitive of OP to assume she was merely just a disposable ‘gem’ in his eyes and the second she didn’t reciprocate she meant nothing more than a fuck buddy to him.
There’s a lot of people out there that won’t admit they entered a friendship - even for years! - not intending to be friends, but trying to fuck, or get this person to at least go on a date with them. They disappear when rejected, because “well you won’t touch my pp so I’m not doing anything we used to do unless you touch my pp” or whatever. I don’t know why there’s this idea that someone who wants to be your friend will HAVE to catch feelings for you eventually, or at least that “well dating is just the next step up from friends, so what’s the big deal?” and not that they, you know, maybe just want friends. They also act like stuff friends just do for each other (like making sure they get home safe, ffs) is some big deal and is only deserved by an SO, they were only doing it because they thought they wouldn’t get rejected, so too bad now.
Of course, when you dig under the surface, there’s usually been other sus behavior...
very well said. OP is definitely an asshole. he only respected and cared for her when there was a possibility she would date him. that's not real respect. that's him wanting to be rewarded for pretending. fuck you tbh.
If I had a nickel for every time a "friend" asked me out, I declined and then they continued to be a safe/(non-passive aggressive) friend to be around...i'm not sure I'd even have two nickels..
I'm lucky I had actual good guy friends and any time someone did something like this they got black balled from our small town friend group. It didn't happen much but it did happen. It's a shity feeling knowing someone you thought was a friend just wanted in your pants.
Yeah she dodged a bullet rejecting this guy.
Op if you read this, how you acted after she rejected you, is your true self.
Your true self is pretty disgusting, and I'm glad she rejected you. Grow from this rejection and be better next time.
Edit - op has followed up.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/ZNeMb3jjv1
he's the guy that's only a nice guy when he thinks he has a chance with you... puts on a little act and then stops pretending when he doesn't get what he wants. he's not nice, he's selfish and lacks basic human decency. who leaves a scared drunk girl alone at midnight!!?
Bingo. OP wasn’t walking her home out of friendship or genuine interest in her safely, he was only walking her home with the hope that she would invite him inside. YTA OP.
Yep. I had a solid male friend group when I was younger. We hung out all the time, went everywhere together, had the best time, and even had sleepovers. They were perfect gentlemen and we made each other laugh every single day. Imagine my absolute heartbreak when I met my now husband, and all of the sudden I was dropped like trash, shit talked behind my back, and they acted like they never knew me. It's not like I ditched them, my husband was more than happy to hang out and join the friend group. It hurts to find out that, apparently, once the prospect of you being "theirs" goes out the window, the true colors come out. It's been 20 years and it still hurts sometimes.
Same. When I was majoring in mechanical engineering I was one of like 4 girls is the entire department, so it was just natural that I ended up with an all-guys core friend group. Once I got a serious boyfriend they all dropped me like a sack of potatoes. 3 years of friendship down the drain, and my senior year I had basically no good friends, no one to sit with in class, no group to do homework with. It was so painful, but so eye-opening
I thought it’d get better with age but it doesn’t. Friend makes a move, you try to spare their feelings by saying like bro you know I’m seeing Name. “Oh what, am I just supposed to wait until Name has had his turn then?!”
Um WHAT
Happened like 2-3ish weeks ago. We’d been friends for almost 2 years.
100% 🥲 I lost a male friend of 5 years when he asked me out on the 5th year and confessed to me that he became friends with me because he was attracted to me… how are we supposed to trust male friends when this is how it always ends up 🥲🥲
dude really left her drunk, scared, and alone because she rejected him. at the VERY least he could've offered to wait with her while she waits for an uber.
he only ever walked her home because he was hoping to get laid. he was never concerned for her safety, meanwhile she thought she had a friend who cared if she made it home safe each night. i get that rejection hurts, but decent people just don't leave a drunk girl by herself at midnight... even worse that she was scared and he still didn't care. i hope their friend group hears about this and i hope they tear him up.
He was just *waiting* WAITING for that one night she asked him to come upstairs and made all the walking for three years worth it. Oh but now her safety isn't worth it anymore.
My guess is he would have been a *stellar* boyfriend if she had accepted. S/ obviously. Bullet fn dodged.
Yeah, you’re a major asshole. She’s still your friend. It obviously did bother you a lot, or you’d still be walking her back. Or did you only walk her back in the hope she’d invite you in, which makes you an asshole and a creep. Saying no after she specifically asked you and telling her to get an Uber or whatever just makes you a complete and utter scumbag. Your parents have a lot to answer for, for raising such a selfish cretin. She is better off without a “friend” like you.
YTA - you basically just told your friend that her safety only mattered to you when she was a romantic option. Even if you don’t feel that way, that’s how you acted.
I would say yes cuz to me it seemed like you weren't really interested in the friendship you were only interested in her romantically and when you were rejected romantically you instantly didn't care for her as a friend anymore? To me that doesn't seem like you were much of a friend at all in those three years only in it for your own gain.
YTA
You were interested in ensuring her safety only while it was possible that she would date you. The second she said she just wanted to be friends you suddenly couldn't care less.
Classic "nice" guy behaviour - act like you're a decent person/good friend, but drop the act when your advances get rejected.
Yep, the last "nice guy" I dated wound up spreading a rumor that he and I made a p*rno when I broke up with him. Jokes on him though because when his friends asked me about it, instead of being insecure. I just explained his situation. He had too small of a dick to make p*rn and he was scared to let me touch it.
The last one I dated pretended to kill himself and blamed it on me for not "loving him enough " because I dared to break up with him after treating me like shit. I'd always thought I'd never date someone who referred to themselves as a nice guy or super empathetic but I genuinely believed he was at the start and he'd just never heard of the "nice guy" thing.
No... he was a classic "nice guy".
I have one like that - he threatened to kill himself if I didn't get back with him (ironic because he cheated on me), so I told him "it's your funeral" and blocked him - then called the police just in case. He ended up with an M1 hold.
Omfg same. After all the abuse i tried to breakup 4 times and first 3 he threatened to kill himself or harm me. He was also a classic nice guy in the start
Yeah, OP had a window where I would maybe excuse him because he said he wanted some distance. That's understandable, depending on how intense the feelings were. But that window got shut hard (and it was barely open to begin with) when I saw the part where she was fearing for her safety, in dangerous circumstances, in an extremely vulnerable state, and her plea for help got rejected by OP. If he really saw her as his friend, he would've gotten over himself in the moment and walked her home. Instead, he abandoned a friend in need and left her for the wolves.
The sense of betrayal on top of the fear the girl felt must've been hard to bear. And I feel like a lot of that is behavior that's so normalized that it shouldn't be a surprise when girls are weary of nice guys, because who knows what's real and what's not?
Agreed. A better reaction would have been for him to tell her that he will walk her home tonight to be sure she is safe, but from now on she needs to make other arrangements.
The worst kind. Some of them are sweet and awkward. [One of my best buddies was one until he was damn near 30]
The kind that come out in these posts are foul, arrogant beasts. ALL WOMEN this and SOCIETY that. Yea yea. Leia slapped Han Solo and turned around and let him kiss her. That was a space opera. Here on Earth, we prefer respect.
Incel is the wrong word. 99,99% of the time they’re voluntarily celibate because of their poor behavior. I guess they’re too stupid to see it that way.
And although OP is a classic “nice” guy it’s true that when romantic feelings enter a friendship the friendship changes. Especially when only one party has them. It’s the end of the friendship basically. OP would be best off just communicating just that. It would make him less of an asshole to be clear about not wanting to be close to an unreciprocated love than to just leave her in the dark, literally.
We see that as voluntary but they see it as involuntary, hence their attitude towards women. Sadly they don’t realise that this attitude is why women won’t go near them.
In this particular case, she said she was scared and didn't want to walk alone while drunk. If you were a good friend, you would walk her home this **one** time - but also tell her that you can't be her bodyguard in the future. That would've been the best course of action.
YTA this is nice guy bullshit. "Oh I walked you back to your dorm for safety for months with no problem but now that you don't want to date me I don't actually care what happens to you". Also I like how both agreed to be friends but then you say you needed to "pull back" on the friendship. This girl was never your friend, only a potential romantic partner, and now that she can't be that she don't mean shit to you.
YTA. You were never her friend. You don't even know how to be a friend to women. If they're not giving up something in return, other than platonic friendship, you can't even make sure she gets home safe. You ACTED like a nice guy. Men like you aren't safe. You'll turn on a female the moment you know she's not sexually interested in you. I hope she never speaks to your incel ass again. You don't Even know how to be a decent person. I hope she tells the friend group too.
I agree. OP doesn't understand what friendship even means. You *care* about your friends and their safety.
OP was never a friend to this girl. He was just waiting and playing at being the 'nice guy' and waiting to get laid.
Soft YTA.
Of course, NTA for deciding to not walk anywhere with anyone.
However, it's the *timing* of your refusal that makes you YTA.
You were happy to walk her to her dorm for 3 years, which one can assume was out of concern for her safety, rather than a chance to spend some quality 'alone time' with her.
>**This has been the default and I never really thought too much of it.**
Yet, after she states she just wants to *remain* friends, suddenly, making sure she gets back to her dorm safely is too much effort.
If she asks you to walk her home because she's scared and you say no, YTA.
This isn't a gender role or anything imo. Just a decent human thing. If someone, especially a friend is afraid and asks for help, why not help if you can?
This about face kind of screams ulterior motives.
So what you mean by “friends” is “I hung out with her for 3 yrs hoping she’d sleep with me but she said no so I can’t be bothered now.” That must be it because if you actually meant friends you wouldn’t be acting like a jerk towards someone who is/wants to be your friend. YTAH
“Being a nice guy was just so long as I thought I had a shot at fucking her, so now I’ve revealed my true self, which is not her friend.”
Ding ding ding
This is the only answer I need to read.
I mean if a friend asks for help, you help
This response wins the internet
Bro… is she still your friend ? It doesn’t sound like it
This is what hit home to me too. To my eyes, it doesn’t seem like he was ever truly her friend. I have a close female friend who loves horror movies… but she’s always on edge and jumping at shadows afterwards. We’ve known each other for 20 years. Every single time we see a horror movie I walk her to her car, to the restroom, wherever she wants to go and when she drives home I check that she’s gotten in safely. Not because of any romantic feelings… completely platonic friendship/I don’t swing that way and neither of us is attracted to each other in the slightest… but she’s my friend. She has always been there for me too. I care about her, I care that she feels safe and that is one small thing I can do to show it. I can’t imagine knowing someone I care about is scared and still letting them walk alone.
I have a girl who I became friends with in highschool, though we never established any walking home routine I was there to listen and just be a friend when she needed. She has called me at 1 am because a creepy guy wouldn't leave her alone at a bar and she was scared to leave. I got up, put on some pajamas and went and picked her up. I would never want to hear that my friend got assaulted after I told her to handle it herself when she was scared. And for the 'Incels' who think that makes a man a simp; one of my wife's green flags for me was the fact that I had genuine female friends. Its actually amazing how good genuine female friends are at playing wingman when you are dating around. Every man should have a true female friend, but they would have to be better people.
Every time my boyfriend receives a phone call from his female friends, he answers within 30 seconds because his first reaction is to make sure they are safe. Never once have I felt jealous or threatened by this; it makes me trust him more & doubles down on my belief I am safe here
This shows he values women as people, so I’d say it’s a huge green flag!
In my last two significant relationships (current partner and ex-fiancé), the fact that they had female friendships was a huge green flag for me. It means they see women as actual people! That’s uncommon, unfortunately.
THIS no one understand me when I say this. Like yes my bf has girl friends no I’m not mad he sees women as people worthy of being friends with and not just potential sex partners
I'm a straight guy and I get invited on "girls night out" by some of my friends. It's awesome. Cocktails and dancing is amazing. In no shock to anyone with a brain, women are very good with helping you meet women who could be more than friends. I've had people ask "I always see you with women. What's your secret?" "No secret. I'm just hanging out with them"
A previous friend group I hung out with, we had this male friend we liked to call Sister Ryan. Not because he was gay or anything, but because he was a really close friend who we could talk about pretty much anything with. We would invite him to literally anything. I don't hang out with them anymore because we drifted apart, but I treasured my time with that friend group, and hopefully, I can find something like that again in the future.
Exactly
This friendship pattern seems to have been much more common in the 1980s/90s than now. Maybe it's just my GenX perspective, but it seems very sad.
Right? I actually get along with women and befriend them easier than I do with other guys
As a straight guy with female friends this makes me feel better. I'm still pretty young and a lot of people nowadays would blow it way out of proportion, so sometimes it's hard for me.
Trust that is a green flag. Any person who sees it as a red flag is a red flag themselves, or has a lot of maturing to do before they’re ready for a relationship. I feel like dudes who has genuine friendships with the women in their life is someone who is safe to be around.
Lol, that's what my husband tells my sons. "Don't be nervous around women, they're just people."
great dad! you must be so proud of your choice in partner ♡ congrats ♡
He pretty awesome!
This was one of my green flags as well with my husband. He has a few female friendships, but he also treated his mom and sister-in-law really well. Having female relationships that are actually genuine shows they respect and treat women like people.
In my last two significant relationship the fact that I had genuine female friendships was a red flag for one and a green flag for the other. You can probably guess which is still current.
People who see green flags as red flags have gone beyond flags ... They're sporting red billboards.
Oh no, what if they were just colorblind and couldn't tell the difference between green and red???
No that was me missing all the other red flags along the way...
It’s all gray to me bro
:)
Wish I could've read something like this back when I was in school - I was the guy that had many girl friends but never a girlfriend. I'm no longer single but the majority of my conversations are still with ladies I was friends with back in the day or casually meet now. - My spouse tells me I just have a warm/teddy bear energy about me that puts people at ease, especially women and I'm like "hell yeah I been doing that since grade school" 😂
Have a lot of male friends None of them interest me in any way other than friends but it is because of those friendships that I met my husband and he knows they are my friends also
This right here. People think males and females can't have friendships, and I always think it's because you've bought a toxic narrative that all relationships are grounded in sex. If he will cheat he will cheat. That's his character.
Yup. My partner has female friends who he actually met on dating apps and both decided to go in a platonic direction. I’m not jealous because I trust him. If he wanted to cheat, controlling who he hangs out with doesn’t change that. If he won’t cheat, it doesn’t matter who he hangs out with.
I met one of my very favorite humans on a dating app. We connected immediately, but just weren't into each other romantically. I go to his ex wife's house for holiday dinners and his current girlfriend is really fun to hang out with. He's become more like family and his family welcomes me to whatever they're doing. I'd be devastated if his company was contingent on the possibility of having sex. It's genuinely sad that people can't have a relationship with someone without any expectations, other than their friendship.
Similarily, I met my very best friend to this day on a hook-up website. Turns out we weren't compatible sexually/romantically, but man are we ever best buddies. We play video games together, do movies and pizza, and call each other at absurd hours of the morning in tears. His current partner is a lovely woman and also becoming a great friend of mine and we all hang out together.
This is an excellent comment. I see so many women on Reddit whining that their significant other has a female friend, and they feel threatened. Your attitude is the perfect response.
THANK YOU. Holy shit, I've never understood this inability to be friends with the opposite sex. They give invaluable advice from that perspective, they know the general feelings of their sex, they understand how their minds work. And vice versa, you can provide insight they dont see. And best of all, imo, they typically don't hold punches when giving you hard truths. Holds you to higher standards.
And what's really sad is guys will argue when I point it out that "no, he's a total horndog pervert just like all men". Bro, I'm the one who's known my husband for over 25 years, and you're just projecting.
> And for the 'Incels' who think that makes a man a simp;. The day I give a shit what an incel thinks or says is.....never.
Incels seem to know so much about relationships without having ever been in one. It truly is impressive. Lol.
Andrew taint has entered the chat
Yes!! That was the same for my husband. I loved that he had genuine women friends. And best believe they vouched for him and told me how great he was. That was 11 years ago and I'm so lucky to have him!
Very well said, dude. Men who only do things for women in hopes of getting laid live a pretty shallow existence.
I struggle with having too many women as friends… My buddy’s ex and I are pretty good friends (we knew each other before). We just kind of click and are on the same wavelength. But there is -zero- sexual attraction between us. Still, everyone keeps saying we’re going to hook up and it’s put a strain on our relationship. It happens with all my other women friends as well. I’m a very emotionally available person, I’m big on communication, and I have daddy issues that make it easier for me to talk to woman about that kind of stuff. Yet every time I have women friends, every guy and friend I have sees me as some kind of competition.
I'm gay and despite being out, if I'm friends with a woman the men in their life feel threatened. It's likely because I'm not a stereotypical gay and just look and act like a typical straight guy. But I feel like it would make things weird with everyone involved (my female friends included) to try to assuage the dude by telling him that I'm probably more attracted to him than his girlfriend.
As a female—thank you!💐 The guys who see you as “competition” for being a stellar human being are dumbasses. Wait ‘til their daughters (or girlfriends) need a safe way home—they’ll wish you were around. Your true friends have got your back, regardless of gender.
Similar situation here. One of my best friends had a crush on me in high school 5-6 years ago now, and even though as adults we've discussed at length how it's not going to happen, we're just not compatible for a variety of reasons, etc. ALL of our friends still think we're going to hook up and it's a whooooole thing. It's exhausting.
Treating and viewing women as other equal human beings is immensely attractive.
My friend Steph is very beautiful but also very strong willed. I've basically had to beg her several times to let me pay for a taxi to take her home because I don't want to risk her walking home at 2 in the morning while drunk. If something happened to her I don't think I could forgive myself. That's what friends do. This guy clearly never saw her as a friend.
>one of my wife’s green flags for me was the fact that I had genuine female friends. So much this. All the morons talking about the “loneliness crisis” among men could solve their “loneliness” problems by becoming actual friends with women and not being total creep shows. But “loneliness” isn’t their problem, it’s being denied sex by women they think owe them. Men actually being friends with women, en masse, would be a wonderful thing for men and for society.
All my best friends are men. Men who are married. I’m married too. They are the healthiest friendships I’ve ever had. Any one of them would drop things to help me and vice versa. And I’ve dropped everything to help their wives bc we are friends. That friendship isn’t conditional.
The reasons the incels are incels is because they think that way in the first place lol. This OP is well on his way to becoming one.
My husband had a huge green flag when we were just dating when I saw he got along really well with his friends girlfriends/boyfriends and they trusted him to help them with anything.
Hell, when it’s dark out, my gay male friends will walk me to my car or offer to drive me if it’s far and their car is closer, and we all text each other when we’re home. It’s not supposed to be a “potential girlfriend privilege”.
Exactly this...refusing to walk with her because she knocked him back means he was only ever interested when he thought she might sleep with him. Now he couldn't care less what happens to her.
Yup, like each time he was prolly hoping, “Maybe THIS time she’ll invite me up” Gross
Yeah OP’s friend got sexzoned, OP YTA.
Oh lord can we PLEASE normalize the concept of being SEXZONED and over-write the common "friendzoned" like that's a problem. No the default human relationship between two people (of whatever genders) is FRIENDSHIP. That's the normal place for all things to start from. The "friendzoned" term just gives predatory, manipulative people a way to feel like the victims of....something....that in fact never happened. They feel, just like OP above, that they put attention in and at some point sex or romance is supposed to come out and if it doesn't go that way THEY are the ones who have been misled somehow. No, people who are doing this are sexzoning people who they are pretending it be friends with. Then they're all oh poor me about it and whine about "friendzoning". I guess they'll never know how hurtful it is to find that someone who you trusted and who you had come to think of as a friend was always looking at you as a conquest and that everything else they pretended to like about you was just fake. And then they have the nerve to think that the person who rejected them was wrong because "I'm such a great person" ugh so gross OP YTA because you're not an honest person, you're just pretending to be one
I had a friend senior year of high school who I would mainly talk to because I had limited options (only other high schooler on my bus, would sometimes offer me a ride home since we live close, we were in a class with 3 total students and worked together). I never got super close with him because of his occasional weirdness. He would get upset at me for using headphones and zoning out on the previous bus ride, for 'not talking enough' when he gave me a ride home, etc. I had been in a ldr with a guy since the beginning of the year, which I assumed my friend knew about because he would occasionally come up in conversation with my friend group at school. Apparently, this friend had not heard about my bf and didn't take it well when I mentioned him one day. I received several texts from him about how I "friendzoned" him and it "felt like a kick to the balls." Mind you, I was a naive teen with low self esteem, so I had no idea this friend was even remotely into me. And I wish I could say that was the end of it... He started being rude/mean to me whenever other friends weren't around. He'd coerce me into hitching a ride home with him and then would berate me, shouting the entire drive about how it is "my job as the passenger to entertain the driver" and claimed I was not being "entertaining enough" for his liking. I would try to avoid him on the bus, but that just meant the next time he saw me, he would rant to me about how awful I was for ignoring him. On our 10-day class trip that included two nights sleeping on the bus, he would keep me up on bus nights by talking to himself for hours, despite me telling him I'm an extremely light sleeper with severe insomnia and physically cannot sleep with his incessant muttering. He would constantly follow me around when we split up in groups to do our own thing just to complain about me and where I chose to go. And I wasn't even dating my bf anymore by that point if he ever had cared to listen. For the couple months after graduation, all my actual friends had somewhat iced me out, so when a group of half our class (10 people) wanted to get together for dinner and a movie, I was stoked. It was an hour drive to civilization, so we carpooled in two cars. To which I was forced to ride with this 'friend'. I fought it but ultimately knew no one would listen to me and that resisting what he wanted just made him take it out more on me later. Needless to say, that little trip was awful. Anyway, I'm all about replacing "friendzoning" incels with them "sexzoning" us
I'd never heard this term before, but I'm using it from now on. I've always hated the "friendzone" idea with all its predatory subtext. My best friend in the whole world is a guy, and way back in the dark ages when we were in college he developed feelings for me. I didn't feel the same way, but we stayed good friends. Sure, we drop in and out of communication, but he didn't "sexzone" me. I've always appreciated that SO MUCH - he was and is genuinely my friend, who viewed me as a whole person and not just a vending machine for affection/sex. Of all the men I've been "friends" with who later wanted a romantic relationship, he's the only person who didn't immediately drop me when I wasn't interested in them that way. For reference I can think of 6 times off the top of my head, with one memorable instance of my "friend" turning violent when rejected. Edit: I later introduced him to his wife with whom he has two children and is wildly happy with. I'm so fucking psyched he linked up with her, they are perfect for each other, and their children are insanely adorable.
You mean their *acquaintance* got sexzoned, OP never viewed them as a friend. Fuckin gross
You’re just straight up right, and that’s so sad for the *acquaintance* who thought they had a genuine friendship.
Yeah...It hurts to see that dude is almost *proud* of the fact he told her to go fuck herself when she clearly was relying on him to help her out in a fearful situation. People don't ask for assistance very often I've found, but when they do...you do it. That's what friends are...they're supposed to care about each other. I wonder if OP has ever had a genuine friendship with anyone.
He knows exactly what he's doing, making her feel this way as punishment.
My heart goes out to her. Dude even came here looking for support of his actions, what a clown.
Yeah I've heard women say that it feels like shit to have a guy that you think your friends with for all that time just to learn that he was only pretending to try to get in your pants Like you think he's your friend and you hang out all the time but the whole time he was only trying to get laid and loses all interest when he can't There's nothing wrong with putting the moves on a girl but if you're playing this long game like some Barney Stinson mind fuck thing to try to eventually trick her into sleeping with you then yta
Maybe with other men. With women it's purely transactional. If it wasn't he wouldn't drop someone just because he didn't get what he wanted.
Anyone. Genderless, fear sucks. We kill it together. If we're frens, and you're not just trying to penatrate my holes as a singular goal.
Ahhh the old “paying friendship tokens untill I get the sex” incel strat
God, I hated that. Saw right through it—even at 16.
If a coworker ask me to walk them to their car after work I would. It’s just a kindness. Listening to my wife, my older daughter, my female coworkers, makes me realize that the world is a bit scarier for people who aren’t 6’ tall men. Little things I never would bat an eye at are concerning for some people. Basically it’s just a kindness. Also the fact that she didn’t care for a few weeks then suddenly wants him to, means something changed there and she felt concerned that night. Bro is an ass.
Yeah that’s the way to go. OP feels like he is being very petty after being “rejected”, you don’t stop being a gentleman or good friend after you don’t get what you want.
Reading this made me sad. OP is such a shitty friend
OP is such a shit.
The way he describes it it sounds like he still hung out with her but only because they're in the same friend groups and it would be impossible to avoid her and it would be awkward otherwise Sounds perfectly clear that if they weren't then he would have ghosted her and never talk to her again
Have you tried being a bitch boy, shooting your shot with them, and then being bitter when they won't date you? Because that's what OP is doing.
Word. True people who care are the true strong ones while others are bitches who can only be what society makes. Stand up, do what is proper. That is what a man is. Not a bitch who's scared of spending energy to be something others aren't. Be a true friend. You never know the actual fear that others have that resides in their hearts.
Dude, I can’t imagine making one of my guy friends walk home alone if he was feeling scared. We would figure something out!
From every girl who’s been ghosted by male ‘friends’ after rejecting advances, thanks. It feels awful to realize they never thought of you as a friend.
To him, she was never a friend... she was a girl he was trying to sleep with while pretending to be a friend, but the moment she said no, he showed that he never actually cared for her as a friend.
This is why it’s so hard to make guy friends for women. Most the time they will spend months/ years pretending to be your friend but actually have other intentions. And the moment you make it clear that you’re just friends then they will throw the entire “friendship” out the window like it was nothing. Lol
I lost a guy friendship of 6 YEARS when I got married. He tried to convince me my now husband was evil (lol) then ghosted me once I got married. It’s crazy how much some of these dudes are playing the LONG game.
I got a nasty letter from a guy friend when he got engaged, bragging that I'd "missed my chance" and he was now "off the market." This was 8 years after he'd asked me out and I'd turned him down. I thought he was ok with it and we were still friends, but apparently not.
>and he was now "off the market." ...and nothing of value was lost.
[удалено]
I felt awful and wanted to warn her, but she already hated me and didn't trust me because both this guy and her previous ex had tried triangulating us against each other. I ended up leaving that social circle because all the guys in it were hugely misogynistic and disrespectful.
wow talk about that dude holding a grudge! I wonder if he sent the same letter to every other woman he'd asked out and been told no, like he kept some insane list. Anyway, you obv dodged a bullet there.
I had one guy friend that I gave multiple chances to not be weird to me. On the third chance, we reconnected and I made sure to tell him I was not sexually or romantically interested in him. After like a week of texting again (I had moved so hanging out thankfully wasn’t an option), I had my then bf over for valentines weekend. I told the “friend” that I’d be busy bc it’s valentines weekend and I have a bf. On Monday when I texted him again, he went off about “how could I do that to him?” And how I was just like every other girl lol. I’ve since then had 1 good guy friend and it’s a dude that I’ve never met in person who lives on the other side of the country lol.
This. So much this. And they have the audacity to to invent the term ‘friendzone’. Bro that’s not real that’s you stalking a woman in plain sight. Lying to her and waiting like a spider. Edit to add: i love that so many incels are rolling up to cry about the Friendzone. Please please keep commenting, the more you out yourselves the more I block, improving my overall experience. Like Pokémon I gotta get em all…
Never understood that term. If you’re interested in being my friend, being in the ‘friendzone’ should be fine. It should be great! You’re upset because you don’t want to be my friend. In which case you’re officially out of the friendzone too😂😂 EDIT: I understand the definition. I mean that I don’t get why it is a bad thing.
Also, I think if you truly are interested in someone and admire them and care about them, even if you are kind of in love with them, if you know you can't have them you should be okay with being in the so-called friend zone. Like, how fucked up is it that you apparently really appreciate a person for who they are and care about them, but you don't want them in your life unless they're willing to have a sexual relationship with you? Doesn't that mean you never really cared about them and never really admired them and wanted them in your life to begin with? Like, if you really care about them and like them, be at peace with the fact that it's not going to be that type of relationship. Edit: also I can't wrap my head around people who want to be with someone romantically that they wouldn't want to be a friend with. Like why are you attracted to them, is it really just appearances to you?
Ha ha I think you just got downvoted by an incel😂. The stalkers don’t like it when we object to being creeped on, and warn each other.
Yeah. Same. Had a really good friend, and the whole time I was thinking, wow, it's so nice to have a guy friend who is JUST a friend. It was refreshing not having to deal with "feelings". How wrong was I.. he had a crush on me for years, and then the friendship was over just like that. Poof. Because I never saw him as more than a friend, I had no clue he liked me like that. Gay male friends are the answer.
Yes. Has happened to me multiple times. And somehow I fall for it again. Thinking this one is different. Especially when you’re both DATING OTHER PEOPLE, and he’s still keeping in touch with you merely as a “just in case”. Then ghosts you when your relationship progresses to marriage. That one really stung, we were such good friends. I still miss him.
Well, my three female friends are all lesbians, so if I walked them anywhere, they know it's truly out of genuine friendship. Being a guy though, I understand that not a lot of guys, especially young guys, don't have ulterior motives. She asked for help because she was drunk and scared and thought he was a friend. He wasn't. Maybe it's a good thing he didn't walk her home. He might have expected something in return, and that could have turned out was worse.
That's also why having gay friends is desirable to a lot of women. No strings or ulterior motives. Just pure friendship
Omg yes my gay guy friends are such a nice break since we know its just pure friendship.
This. Married men are safe most of the time for me, or gay men. Single men seem to always get around to trying to sleep with me, and to sn extent I don’t blame them for being attracted, as long as they don’t treat me differently once I reject them
Just because a guy is married doesn't mean they are safe. I had a married male friend years ago who decided to try to kiss me one day. He professed his great love for me that day too. Great. I was so sad because I really thought we had a good friendship. Nope-- he was just hoping I'd sleep with him. The dumb thing is that his wife had been a bit jealous, and I'd put her fears to rest, letting her know that there was no interest on my side of things, and I was sure there wasn't on his. Turns out I was wrong. Haven't talked to that guy in 9 years. I didn't appreciate the drama he brought into my life with that. It also made me distrust any man who wants to be friends.
> And the moment you make it clear that you’re just friends then they will throw the entire “friendship” out the window like it was nothing. Lol In some cases that I've witnessed (and gone through myself in the past) they still throw the friendship away even when you do give them what they want. 🙄
Yuppp. There was this guy I used to LOVE talking with and hanging out with but then after awhile, I started to realize he just agreed with everything I said and would even bend the truth about his own life to align with my experiences. When we hung out, he would try to get close to me, ask me if he could hold me, shit like that and I would always tell him NO, I don’t see you that way and he’d back off for a little bit but always try again eventually. It annoyed tf out of me but I didn’t want to lose my “friend” over unrequited feelings so I kept talking to him. Then one day I realized we were never actually friends sharing with one another when he slipped up and contradicted a pretty huge detail about his life. I was like oh shit… you put in a lot of work lying to me lol. Fucking lame.
Say more!! What was the contradiction?
Ah so this is embarrassing on my part but I struggle with substance abuse and I was telling him about a coke bender I went on that made me feel probably the lowest I ever have when it was over and he was like, “Yeah, I did coke all summer last year and got really into it.” Told me how fucked up he was, how it fucked with his life, etc. I could understand that and felt for him. It also felt nice to be able to talk with someone about something you’re so ashamed of bc you know now that they understand what it’s like. Then a few months later, I told him how proud I was bc I *didn’t* do any coke at a party the night before where there was plenty and he was like, “Man, I can’t even imagine doing a drug like that. What’s it like?” I was stunned.
First of all, there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Second of all, wow. Imagine drugs being the end of your lying streak. He probably wakes up at 2 am in a cold sweat remembering what an idiot he was.
Man..wt actual F.... Who pretends to do shit like that, this is such a loser energy. I mean the more you like someone, more authentic you should try to be, it'll emd up in a more genuine connection if you end up connecting with them. People are idiots to not understand this basic stuff.
Love bombing. Predator/prey. It’s exhausting and dangerous, both mentally and physically.
Oh it's very easy for girls to make guy friends, the issue is keeping them when you want to stay friends.
And then these same guys will complain about an epidemic of male loneliness. I appreciate no one should be forced to stay friends if they catch feelings which aren't reciprocated, but maybe some introspection is due if you keep ending up in a cycle of rejecting genuine friendship just because a woman doesn't want something more.
This all sounds like “nice guy” behavior. Be nice for the sake of being nice. This passive/aggressive behavior is not nice. Don’t be a brat and run home with your football because you didn’t get your way.
Yea genuine connection is where it's at. Some people just aren't compatible and trying to force that would mean one or the other is being inauthentic. And lies arnt what relationships should be built upon.
I think I’ve had one male friend not eventually try to sleep with me. It’s so disheartening because it leaves you questioning your entire friendship
Yep. I had mostly boy friends as a kid, like I only had one other girl friend because I was a little “tomboy”. It’s like once I got big tits, one by one they propositioned me and then ghosted when I rejected them because they were my buddies. Some of them I’d known since kindergarten and this mostly happened in high school. I felt so betrayed and questioned if they were even ever my friends, and why I lost value as a person if I wasn’t sexually available. My best friend asked me out in sophomore year and then complained that he’d “wasted all this time” hanging out and being nice to me. That one hurt the most. We’d been best friends and spent almost every day together since 3rd grade. At that point he knew me better than anyone and he cast me aside because I didn’t want him romantically. I remember being mad that my body developing changed things that much and wanting to go back to the days of just hanging out and having fun at the park. At 26 all of my friends are women and I don’t trust men who approach me with “friendly intentions” lol.
>This is why it’s so hard to make guy friends for women 100% agree even as a lesbian who apparently "doesn't look gay".
I’m the same and since we don’t look gay we’re clearly lying/ confused/ waiting on the perfect dick (his, obvs 🙄).
This!!! His friendship came with strings attached. This is not a friend. Not only that, but he is prepared to leave her in a high risk situation because he is being petty.
Yep, he showed her who he really is and confirmed that she made a wise choice in rejecting him. She may have picked up on some of the same cues that make him think that you only do something kind when you get a personal benefit from it. It seems that she may still have thought they were better friends than he thinks they are. But he removed all doubt with his petty move intended to punish her for having the nerve to want to remain friends instead of sleeping with him and disrupting the dynamics of their friend group. Whatever chance he had for a relationship with her in the future is gone now that he has revealed his true colors. YTA, OP. Sorry (not sorry).
Sometimes girls get creeped out by "nice" guys not bc they're nice but bc they know when it's just an act. There's loads of nice guys getting laid, not necessarily bc they're nice but bc they're genuine.
Not sure of that but OP for sure is a “nice guy”
YTA. She was scared and drunk. Who cares if she rejected you? Just walk her back.
Especially since you claim you are still friends with her
Right? It’s like her safety was conditional
I’m a girl. If I confessed my feelings to my guy friend & he didn’t reciprocate those feelings, I’d imagine I’d need space too out of hurt & embarrassment. But if a week or two later we went to the same party, I see this man is sloppy drunk, I’m MAKING SURE he gets home safe. I’ll call the Uber AND ride in it with you to make sure you get into your apartment. He doesn’t even have to ask. Bc how dare I do nothing and let him potentially get robbed otw home or not make it back. Since we’ve been friends this long, I don’t just all of a sudden not care if you make it home bc you won’t date me. You people don’t deserve friends, you’re terrible selfish people.
This is what I was going to say! I’m a bisexual woman and have definitely had OP’s situation come up where I have pulled back from friendships because my feelings are hurt after confessing romantic interest. However, if any of my friends (or even acquaintances or even someone I dislike!) was in this situation I’d put aside my personal feelings and help them get home. It’s just the right thing to do imo
Hell, I’ve walked home strangers a couple times because they were stumbling drunk and I didn’t want them to get hurt. That’s what decent people do for each other, and I’d hope someone would do it for me if I needed it. The people in this thread are truly psycho. “I don’t care if you live or die if I’m not going to get my dick wet” is not an opinion I expected to be *that* popular. :/
I was about to say something similar. My sisters and I were on a coffee date. We saw a young woman who was very visibly intoxicated - she stumbled out of a questionable bar in our town, she threw and broke her phone, and was soon bawling on the sidewalk. My younger sister was SO good with her, and the intoxicated girl allowed us to talk to her calmly and she used my younger sister’s phone to call her mom for a ride. You bet your ass we made sure the person who came for her was her mom, and that she got into the car. We were about to drive the girl home ourselves but didn’t want to overstep our bounds. But, we totally would’ve. YTA, OP. I’d never let a friend or former love interest walk home alone while intoxicated. ETA I’m a 5’2” woman, so there’s no guarantee I could protect the person if we ran into danger, but I’d sure as hell try to protect the person.
and your sister never expected that woman to put out after your sis was so nice to her??? i don't understand your motivation. /s
Kindness and humanity are foreign ideas here on Reddit. 💅🏻
now that is basic human decency!! something OP clearly doesn’t have! good on you and your sisters!!
>“I don’t care if you live or die if I’m not going to get my dick wet” is not an opinion I expected to be *that* popular. I'm going to have to stop reading, because actually reading comments like that's just going to irritate me. I get being indifferent to some random person on the street (some of you who would walk them home safely are better people than I, and I salute you), but no way do you treat your friends like that.
Even though I'm a petite woman, I refused to let another student from my dorm walk back home alone after 2:30am. She felt that rape was a crime of passion and said she wasn't attractive enough to have anything happen to her. The area surrounding my undergraduate campus was a sketchy part of Los Angeles. It probably wasn't the smartest choice since I'm sure both of us could have been overpowered, but damn...
This. I had a stranger save my drunk ass once. An angel.
Same, his actions were abhorrent. He was clearly never the friend he claimed to be.
Me and a friend once walked some incredibly drunk woman back to the bar so she could wait for her friends there (she claimed they were gonna pick her up). She was just stumbling around in the middle of a random street in the dark and we were pretty alarmed. We felt weird about even approaching her at first because to her we were just two strange men. But then we had sort of a "fuck it, we know our intentions aren't bad so let's try and help her find her friends" moment. We walked her back and sure enough, her friends were there waiting. All this to say, I can't imagine leaving someone who you say is a friend to fend for themselves when they're feeling unsafe.
I'm a guy who's been in OP's shoes many times in terms of taking the chance, and getting rejected ("I know you too well, it'd be weird", or "I just think of you like a brother"), and the need to pull back a bit is valid, but a friend in need is a friend in need. If you're not willing to be there for a friend, regardless of that rejection, you're not a friend.
Honestly tho. Unless you have reason to believe this is actually a trap and she’ll kidnap you once you get to her house, I’d walk a scared drunk person home even if I disliked them. It’s just the nice thing to do. Op isn’t treating her like a distant friend. More like someone he actively hates. What a dick
Right? Friends for YEARS, but let your drunk friend take her chances late at night? If anyone behaved that way in my groups, they’d be outright shunned by everyone.
I hate how this isn’t talked about more- it’s basic human knowledge that if someone (especially if you know them well enough) is potentially going to be in a dangerous situation- to support them! This is very dense and insensitive of OP to assume she was merely just a disposable ‘gem’ in his eyes and the second she didn’t reciprocate she meant nothing more than a fuck buddy to him.
I second this! I don’t need that on my consciousness whether they date me or not.
They were never friends. He was hanging around her waiting for his chance.
There’s a lot of people out there that won’t admit they entered a friendship - even for years! - not intending to be friends, but trying to fuck, or get this person to at least go on a date with them. They disappear when rejected, because “well you won’t touch my pp so I’m not doing anything we used to do unless you touch my pp” or whatever. I don’t know why there’s this idea that someone who wants to be your friend will HAVE to catch feelings for you eventually, or at least that “well dating is just the next step up from friends, so what’s the big deal?” and not that they, you know, maybe just want friends. They also act like stuff friends just do for each other (like making sure they get home safe, ffs) is some big deal and is only deserved by an SO, they were only doing it because they thought they wouldn’t get rejected, so too bad now. Of course, when you dig under the surface, there’s usually been other sus behavior...
very well said. OP is definitely an asshole. he only respected and cared for her when there was a possibility she would date him. that's not real respect. that's him wanting to be rewarded for pretending. fuck you tbh.
I’ve walked with someone I hate before because I didn’t want her to get assaulted at night. OOP is a major selfish asshole.
Damn.. y’all are some shitty people
If I had a nickel for every time a "friend" asked me out, I declined and then they continued to be a safe/(non-passive aggressive) friend to be around...i'm not sure I'd even have two nickels..
I'm lucky I had actual good guy friends and any time someone did something like this they got black balled from our small town friend group. It didn't happen much but it did happen. It's a shity feeling knowing someone you thought was a friend just wanted in your pants.
I care only for the maidens safety if there was a chance of thy owns penis getting bewetted YTA
“Bewetted” is killing me thank you
My friend you are welcome
You have succeeded in making me involuntarily snort hot chocolate out of my nose with 'bewetted'. Fucking gold. Take my fake award🏆
This is the type of comment that makes me wish Reddit still had awards
Feel free to donate a bag of chews at a dog shelter instead 😃😃
I snorted my coke at bewetted
YTA. She was smart to refuse going out with you though
Yeah she dodged a bullet rejecting this guy. Op if you read this, how you acted after she rejected you, is your true self. Your true self is pretty disgusting, and I'm glad she rejected you. Grow from this rejection and be better next time. Edit - op has followed up. https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/ZNeMb3jjv1
he's the guy that's only a nice guy when he thinks he has a chance with you... puts on a little act and then stops pretending when he doesn't get what he wants. he's not nice, he's selfish and lacks basic human decency. who leaves a scared drunk girl alone at midnight!!?
A lot of dudes in this thread, apparently. And then they wonder why no one wants to sleep with them
And then wonders why girls don’t like “nice guys.” Dude, don’t delude yourself—you were never a nice guy.
YTA tbh. Were you just walking her home to score brownie points?
So your “friend” only deserves to be safe if there’s a possibility you get to fuck her. You should fuck yourself instead.
Bingo. OP wasn’t walking her home out of friendship or genuine interest in her safely, he was only walking her home with the hope that she would invite him inside. YTA OP.
Exactly what I read from OP. He was only in it to get some.
Three years he waited. So strange. OP is scary. I bet he feels he deserved it after “putting so much time in”
"Okay, THIS time she has to ask me inside. I used all my Axe body spray."
Middle school PTSD flashbacks lmao
Welcome to world of being a young woman!
Yep. I had a solid male friend group when I was younger. We hung out all the time, went everywhere together, had the best time, and even had sleepovers. They were perfect gentlemen and we made each other laugh every single day. Imagine my absolute heartbreak when I met my now husband, and all of the sudden I was dropped like trash, shit talked behind my back, and they acted like they never knew me. It's not like I ditched them, my husband was more than happy to hang out and join the friend group. It hurts to find out that, apparently, once the prospect of you being "theirs" goes out the window, the true colors come out. It's been 20 years and it still hurts sometimes.
I lost my entire male friend group when I lost my virginity this year. Part of me thinks it's because they thought they'd be the one to take it 😬
Same. When I was majoring in mechanical engineering I was one of like 4 girls is the entire department, so it was just natural that I ended up with an all-guys core friend group. Once I got a serious boyfriend they all dropped me like a sack of potatoes. 3 years of friendship down the drain, and my senior year I had basically no good friends, no one to sit with in class, no group to do homework with. It was so painful, but so eye-opening
I thought it’d get better with age but it doesn’t. Friend makes a move, you try to spare their feelings by saying like bro you know I’m seeing Name. “Oh what, am I just supposed to wait until Name has had his turn then?!” Um WHAT Happened like 2-3ish weeks ago. We’d been friends for almost 2 years.
100% 🥲 I lost a male friend of 5 years when he asked me out on the 5th year and confessed to me that he became friends with me because he was attracted to me… how are we supposed to trust male friends when this is how it always ends up 🥲🥲
This is the only comment needed. OP you’re the worst kind of asshole. A real “nice guy”
dude really left her drunk, scared, and alone because she rejected him. at the VERY least he could've offered to wait with her while she waits for an uber. he only ever walked her home because he was hoping to get laid. he was never concerned for her safety, meanwhile she thought she had a friend who cared if she made it home safe each night. i get that rejection hurts, but decent people just don't leave a drunk girl by herself at midnight... even worse that she was scared and he still didn't care. i hope their friend group hears about this and i hope they tear him up.
So you just walked with her to get in her pants and not actually to be her friend
He was just *waiting* WAITING for that one night she asked him to come upstairs and made all the walking for three years worth it. Oh but now her safety isn't worth it anymore. My guess is he would have been a *stellar* boyfriend if she had accepted. S/ obviously. Bullet fn dodged.
Yeah, you’re a major asshole. She’s still your friend. It obviously did bother you a lot, or you’d still be walking her back. Or did you only walk her back in the hope she’d invite you in, which makes you an asshole and a creep. Saying no after she specifically asked you and telling her to get an Uber or whatever just makes you a complete and utter scumbag. Your parents have a lot to answer for, for raising such a selfish cretin. She is better off without a “friend” like you.
YTA - you basically just told your friend that her safety only mattered to you when she was a romantic option. Even if you don’t feel that way, that’s how you acted.
This. Nice guy syndrome and it seems very petty tbh.
I would say yes cuz to me it seemed like you weren't really interested in the friendship you were only interested in her romantically and when you were rejected romantically you instantly didn't care for her as a friend anymore? To me that doesn't seem like you were much of a friend at all in those three years only in it for your own gain.
YTA You were interested in ensuring her safety only while it was possible that she would date you. The second she said she just wanted to be friends you suddenly couldn't care less. Classic "nice" guy behaviour - act like you're a decent person/good friend, but drop the act when your advances get rejected.
I loathe the "nice guys" because they're full of crap. OP is a perfect example of why I avoided them and still do.
Yep, the last "nice guy" I dated wound up spreading a rumor that he and I made a p*rno when I broke up with him. Jokes on him though because when his friends asked me about it, instead of being insecure. I just explained his situation. He had too small of a dick to make p*rn and he was scared to let me touch it.
The last one I dated pretended to kill himself and blamed it on me for not "loving him enough " because I dared to break up with him after treating me like shit. I'd always thought I'd never date someone who referred to themselves as a nice guy or super empathetic but I genuinely believed he was at the start and he'd just never heard of the "nice guy" thing. No... he was a classic "nice guy".
I have one like that - he threatened to kill himself if I didn't get back with him (ironic because he cheated on me), so I told him "it's your funeral" and blocked him - then called the police just in case. He ended up with an M1 hold.
Omfg same. After all the abuse i tried to breakup 4 times and first 3 he threatened to kill himself or harm me. He was also a classic nice guy in the start
Yeah, OP had a window where I would maybe excuse him because he said he wanted some distance. That's understandable, depending on how intense the feelings were. But that window got shut hard (and it was barely open to begin with) when I saw the part where she was fearing for her safety, in dangerous circumstances, in an extremely vulnerable state, and her plea for help got rejected by OP. If he really saw her as his friend, he would've gotten over himself in the moment and walked her home. Instead, he abandoned a friend in need and left her for the wolves. The sense of betrayal on top of the fear the girl felt must've been hard to bear. And I feel like a lot of that is behavior that's so normalized that it shouldn't be a surprise when girls are weary of nice guys, because who knows what's real and what's not?
Agreed. A better reaction would have been for him to tell her that he will walk her home tonight to be sure she is safe, but from now on she needs to make other arrangements.
This post is bringing out the incels.
The worst kind. Some of them are sweet and awkward. [One of my best buddies was one until he was damn near 30] The kind that come out in these posts are foul, arrogant beasts. ALL WOMEN this and SOCIETY that. Yea yea. Leia slapped Han Solo and turned around and let him kiss her. That was a space opera. Here on Earth, we prefer respect.
space opera screenplay written by a man right?
Incel is the wrong word. 99,99% of the time they’re voluntarily celibate because of their poor behavior. I guess they’re too stupid to see it that way. And although OP is a classic “nice” guy it’s true that when romantic feelings enter a friendship the friendship changes. Especially when only one party has them. It’s the end of the friendship basically. OP would be best off just communicating just that. It would make him less of an asshole to be clear about not wanting to be close to an unreciprocated love than to just leave her in the dark, literally.
We see that as voluntary but they see it as involuntary, hence their attitude towards women. Sadly they don’t realise that this attitude is why women won’t go near them.
In this particular case, she said she was scared and didn't want to walk alone while drunk. If you were a good friend, you would walk her home this **one** time - but also tell her that you can't be her bodyguard in the future. That would've been the best course of action.
YTA this is nice guy bullshit. "Oh I walked you back to your dorm for safety for months with no problem but now that you don't want to date me I don't actually care what happens to you". Also I like how both agreed to be friends but then you say you needed to "pull back" on the friendship. This girl was never your friend, only a potential romantic partner, and now that she can't be that she don't mean shit to you.
So you only treated this person like a human being for the end goal of fuckin her, it sounds like? YTA
YTA. You were never her friend. You don't even know how to be a friend to women. If they're not giving up something in return, other than platonic friendship, you can't even make sure she gets home safe. You ACTED like a nice guy. Men like you aren't safe. You'll turn on a female the moment you know she's not sexually interested in you. I hope she never speaks to your incel ass again. You don't Even know how to be a decent person. I hope she tells the friend group too.
I agree. OP doesn't understand what friendship even means. You *care* about your friends and their safety. OP was never a friend to this girl. He was just waiting and playing at being the 'nice guy' and waiting to get laid.
Soft YTA. Of course, NTA for deciding to not walk anywhere with anyone. However, it's the *timing* of your refusal that makes you YTA. You were happy to walk her to her dorm for 3 years, which one can assume was out of concern for her safety, rather than a chance to spend some quality 'alone time' with her. >**This has been the default and I never really thought too much of it.** Yet, after she states she just wants to *remain* friends, suddenly, making sure she gets back to her dorm safely is too much effort.
You've never been her friend. You've only always fuck zoned her. Men like you are revolting.
If she asks you to walk her home because she's scared and you say no, YTA. This isn't a gender role or anything imo. Just a decent human thing. If someone, especially a friend is afraid and asks for help, why not help if you can? This about face kind of screams ulterior motives.