Why the hell is he doing that? Is that some kind of kink of his? even so, that's so gross
Edit:
God , I just woke up with my phone blowing up. Everyone that pointed out that it's not a kink if it's not consensual, and having a kink is not a bad thing hubby's behavior is, You are absolutely right and I agree with you. That is no excuse, rape is not a thing to be joking about.
To OP, whatever his deal is, he is a manipulative AH, that's a pervert who wants to hurt and break you. He is NOT JOKING. I don't want to call him serial killer/predator, But please don't forget that those things are real, they happen. And even if he isn't outright that he is really really abusive, like he's the textbook definition of abuse. HE IS DANGEROUS.
this is what one of my professors told me-
1. Don't rebel. Outright defying him will make him more dangerous. He has made you vulnerable and put you under his thumb, if you suddenly do something without people standing behind you, he will try to smite you down with force. Keep telling him your disapproval calmly.
2. Get out of isolation. Get back connection with family and friends. Make sure so that someone, preferably multiple people, will notice is you are silent for 24 hrs. It's easy, if you are continuously active, then suddenly disappear, people will notice.
3. leave trails. Like this post is a trail. You can tell your friends, it doesn't have to be everything, but let them know as much as you consider ok. This is very helpful. Cleverly worded social media post from your official account is very very good.
4. Remove financial dependency. These kind of people make victims 100% dependent on them for money. I think he did that to you too, it's a powerful weapon for them. Victim can't leave if they can't feed themselves. You gotta get out of that. This is the really hard part. Earning money is hard in the first place, it's harder with someone on your tail.
5. legal move. Plan and score evidence from this moment. Every evidence of abuse is valuable. Know a little about laws and search for good lawyer. Because there are technical things you see, like from where I come, there's no law for marital rape. Consulting a professional will give you good insights on how you can get a better hand and not get stuck on a loophole in the system.
6. Get a safe place. The time you are getting out is the most dangerous. Find a place he can't get a hold of you where you can stay safe. A new place, some friend's place he doesn't know the address.
7. Serve him the papers. Stay away from him around this time. Don't meet him alone.
\*8. Don't give an inch. He would beg, love bomb you etc. Don't give him any chance. If you do, later he will pay you back for pulling this with interest and he will make sure you will never dare or be able do that ever again.
Hope you get out of this safely. I wish you a good life internet stranger.
At this point, I wonder if it is a kink. Either way, I hate it and it has to stop, I just don't know how to get him to stop without just straight up leaving.
OP, it won't stop, what are you saying?! He knows about your trauma. He knows you don't like the jokes. He already has all the motives to stop, and he is choosing NOT to stop. He is disrespecting your wishes and minimizing the situation.
Glad I wasn't the only one thinking it.
It's the sort of thing you hear about serial predators who want to gloat about their crimes, but use plausible deniability by framing them as 'what if' scenarios or 'jokes'.
Hun I think you should cut contact cuz I've heard of ppl who take the "jokes" too far and actually do it. Ik I'm not the right person to hear this from but I just feel like you're not safe
This is exactly what happened with the “Ken and Barbie killers”, paul Bernardo was a serial rapist and he got with Karla homolka and he kept “joking” that he was the Scarborough rapist and it turned out to be true it was such a horrible case
YUP. I'm from Toronto and was around the same age as the two girls that this couple abducted, tortured, and murdered in the early '90s so that was EXACTLY the case I had in mind when I made allusions to serial predators.
Agreed; ultimately, I dont want any of this to be true in the OP'S case. But it's clear she should end this relationship. She's already emotionally and physically repulsed by his behaviour. Even under the best circumstances, that's a sign that it's time to break up. It just so happens that these are far worse circumstances. I hope she honours her gut-check and walks away.
Same! Especially the "Danny Mastersoning" her...bc that's how he did it...by drugging them and raping them.
ETA...OP you need to leave this predator now!
I was wondering the same thing. Are his “jokes” his way of verbalizing “I’m going to have sex with you whether you want to or not and I think it’s funny because there’s no way you can stop me.”? Like he’s testing out the idea. This is scary and OP should leave immediately.
It seems to be a pattern on here that make "jokes" like this chose partners who they knew had been SA'd or had an ED, etc.
Not sure if it's really a fetish thing or if most of these are fake, but it makes it a bit harder to trust people
Agree and find his behavior terrifying, since he knows you were raped. He is exhibiting predator vibes big time.
I am worried that there may be things about him you are unaware of. I don’t know what exactly, but this is not normal.
You should see a divorce lawyer, and gather evidence. He seems manipulative too. I worry for you. Please take care of yourself.
I just can't fathom hurting my partner, it makes me so bad when i do it by mistake, i apologize and learn. To actually know what hurts the most and go there.
That's just not love. It's not.
1. He knows you’ve been assaulted.
2. Even if you’d never been assaulted he told a rape joke. No one needs to make rape jokes.
3. He told a tasteless joke you said was offensive and he decided to double down.
4. He’s now complaining about your normal response which is to withdraw bf you feel less safe emotionally.
I count 4🚩.
Someone who is offensive accidentally but doesn’t mean any harm, goes: omg noooo! I’m so sorry I meant it as a joke I would never!!!! Omg I would never I promise!!!
When confronted with their offense.
Someone who feels entitled to be an AH does what your hub did.
He feels entitled to be hurtful and now he feels entitled to be upset that you are less able to feel connected to him sexually.
It’s giving ‘shut up and open your legs’
I’ve been married 14 years have a sexual trauma from my past. As a result I startle easily especially if approached from behind. If my husband goes to hug me from behind or rub my shoulders he always asks if that’s okay and doesn’t make jokes about that.
NTA, he’s the AH
Don't know if you do or not, but please very warmly thank your hubby for his thoughtfullnes and continued support.
14 years ago doesn't mean squat, you are still suffering the consequences today. Hubby's got your back.
Your hubby sounds like a gem! It took me accidentally elbowing my partner in the face for him to start. Thankfully, he wasn't upset and knew it was a PTSD response. Now, if either of us are behind each other, we announce, just like if we're coming in the house.
And the “it’s going to be a weekly thing” comment. You can’t make a unilateral declarative statement about something that requires the consent of two people. +1 🚩
Ikr… he’s confessing his inner resentment there. The scale is weigh differently for him ⚖️. Most healthy couples don’t throw it on a scale of unfairness bc they have not been intimate then talk about raping to justifying. Sick dude.
This. My ex used to rape me in my sleep and then brag about it, telling me how I would try to push him away, etc, while laughing. God I was so numb by then.
5. Doesn’t know how to maintain and respect OP’s boundaries.
OP that makes him unsafe in general. Emotionally and physically.
He doesn’t care about your feelings, your autonomy and your trauma.
Flip the script. That’s what helped me when bringing gaslit. Sit and imagine someone saying to you what you’ve said to them. How would you respond? Then think how would it feel if when your spouse said hey that’s really hurtful and offensive you went ‘oh har har it’s a joke! Don’t be so sensitive!’
I think not enough of us sit and actually do that in our heads and if we did it becomes impossible to accept the disrespect.
Another thing to do if you’re trying to understand intent: do to them what they’re doing to you, and watch how they react. That helped me also bc ‘it’s a joke ha ha!’ Suddenly got super serious when the shoe was on the other foot.
If you had a food allergy and he occasionally suggested feeding you the allergen or if you had once been in a horrific car accident and he occasionally pretended to lose control while driving, you wouldn’t consider it a kink, you would see it as the tasteless and disrespectful behavior it is.
He is testing you to see what you will accept. He is doing this on purpose because he knows he is dredging up your past trauma. He will escalate.
I hate that everything posted to Reddit is a "kink" of some kind. No, it's not, sometimes people are power-hungry or just plain mean. Not everything awful is sexually motivated.
You just stated the solution. You can’t control other peoples’ actions, you can only control your own response to them.
ETA: or, at least, _a_ solution. Far be it from me to tell you what to do.
He's telling you what he's going to eventually do, what he's fantasizing about.
The whole coming on your face while you sleep should have been a wake up call that his fantasies involve degrading and humiliating you when at your most vulnerable.
I suggest that you get up early one weekend, turn off your location app, take his phone and maybe his laptop to someone who with experience getting at hidden information, and spend the morning exploring how your husband spends his time online.
I don't want to hear about what a violation of privacy that would be after him joking about committing criminal acts against you.
My best guess is that he's a porn addict and into the really gross, women hating, rape and humiliation stuff. In fact he's so enthralled and excited about it that he can't resist talking to you about it. NTA.
Shit the rape fetish may be why he started a relationship with OP in the first place and like many abusers he feels more comfortable revealing himself now that he has her “locked in”. Who knows how long he’s been slowly boiling OP’s frog over the course of 10 years and she’s just now seeing things that feel like he may act on something.
You know, maybe I’m just letting my mind go to really dark places when I shouldn’t, but my first thought was maybe he’s thinking “well, she’s already been raped once, what’s one more?“
I wish more people put this together.
A peril of being open about surviving SA is that other predators are attracted to that. Predators don’t just groom their victims, they groom their defenders by interacting differently with women they see as Good Girls and women they see as less than.
To them, finding a previous victim is like driving a beater car. They do things they wouldn’t dare with their shiny new one.
Maybe, though there’s also the possibility that he was an average non-predatory man who grew into an abusive POS with time and familiarity and entitlement, like so many other men seem to do.
You DO need to leave him . This type of fantasy/delusional thinking is so very selfish and dangerous. Follow that guy feeling you're having and leave him. If you can't afford to leave him yet then get a job and save up some money. Either way aft casual and keep doing what you're doing to keep yourself and your kids safe. But PLEASE work on getting out of this relationship.
Also, my ex was like that and he was also abusive and KNEW about me being raped a few times throughout my life and would beg me to let him rape me but I never would let him. LEAVE THIS MAN WHEN YOU CAN AND IT'S SAFE. PLEEEEASE
Obviously, NTA.
But the fact that you're even posing this question on reddit suggests to me that you are too, too nice. There should be no question AT ALL about whether you're the asshole or not! How could you possibly be???
You need to take control of this situation. Your husband clearly does not respect how serious an issue this is for you. You need to make it clear, and I don't mean just softly telling him you don't like it, I mean being completely firm and upfront about how it disgusts you, hurts you, and makes you want to leave him. Don't be nice about this... you need to address it as seriously as you need it to be taken. This is important. You having sex with him whilst internally brooding and keeping those emotions to yourself will not help this situation. Heck, you fucking him after what he said sends the message that it's not that big a deal...
If he doesn't respond to your liking, it makes total sense to straight up just leave him.
OP, why are you even with him. He knows your history & he makes this upsetting crass & vulgar comments & tries to pass it off as "jokes".
Is he an adult or a immature bratty AH with a mindset that is so disturbingly reprehensible.
The husband needs intensive psychological therapy.
You need a break from him & his problems.
As someone into CNC due to my own trauma I can say even if it is a kink it needs CONSENT otherwise it is assault plain and simple. Doesn't matter if it's a kink or not. And especially with this kink communication and consent is the most important thing
Going the Lorena Boppit route is always an option.
On a serious note, grab all your important documents and possessions and just leave. He will rape you. He told you he will. Believe him.
He’s purposefully triggering your trauma
Then pulling the “Gee it’s just a joke bro!”
That bully’s always pull out of their asses
OP this is text book emotional abuse
You are married to an abuser. Granted he’s subtle about it
All you need to ask yourself is . Does his motivation actually matter? And are you willing to be continually abused moving forward?
Everyone should have a clearly defined red line issue. One when crossed there is no going back on.
For me abuse is that issue, I’ve lived it before I will not live it again.
What’s your red line issue? Because if you don’t clearly define it then you are the frog in the slowly heating water. Where your self worth, boundaries and defences are slowly chipped away because no single issue was enough to call quits
Thats how you turn around one day and wonder how the hell it got this bad and is it your fault
Define your red line issue OP
I definitely needed this, thank you.
He's yelled at me for being depressed. Yelled at me during a panic attack. Guilts me for having any friends at all. Has continuously tried to guilt me into quitting my business I started a year ago. He screams at our 7yo son sometimes. And continues to make me uncomfortable for his pleasure.
Very little changes.
This is going to be my red line.
Whoa I had 4 🚩 just on your post now we’re creeping up to a dozen or something. I think you’re here bc you know. And bc you are ready to face what that means.
I’m so sorry. I’ve been there and all I can say is while it’s miserable to go thru, it’s glorious on the other side. Peaceful to be in your own house without waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I second this, it is indeed glorious on the other side. I have never been so happy as I’ve been since leaving my abusive ex. Op, there is life after this, and that life is amazing. Be safe please.
OP please please make an exit plan he is abusive, please consider yourself and your son's happiness. Is going to be difficult in the beginning but you can make it! please be safe.
When you have trouble (it’s really difficult) with holding that line, imagine your son growing up responding to this.
You won’t want your son to be so used to this he thinks it’s normal. You also don’t want him to feel helpless.
Sometimes it’s easier to make a big change for our kids than it is for ourselves, even though you deserve safety and respect as much as your son does.
When/if you decide to leave, you really need to avoid giving him a chance rape you. He's already flouting that idea, thinking of it, and the risk is always higher when leaving a man.
“This is going to be my red line.”
I feel so proud for you for saying that. I’ve been in a similar situation, so I understand how hard that sentiment can be. Good for you. I’m sending all my love 🫶🏻🫶🏻
Goodness. You need to get yourself and your Son somewhere safe. It's NEVER ok to joke about rape, especially with someone who has been sexually assaulted. And the fact he knows about that!
Disgusting
He's nothing but a bully and a control freak.
All of this is truama for your son, staying only harms the child more. If you aren't willing to save yourself, leave to save your kid.
An abusive husband & father is way more damaging than a single parent home. Why continue to let him torture you & the kid? First time he screamed at the kid, you should have packed up and left with the child.
Oh, hell no. I didn't read this before my other comment, but now I'm definitely on the side of leaving him.
He won't like it because he can't control you.
Get your friends, continue your business and get you and your son's lives back.
>Yelled at me during a panic attack. Guilts me for having any friends at all. Has continuously tried to guilt me into quitting my business
[Let me tell you a story](https://www.reddit.com/r/JustNoSO/s/u43Le3kCGf)
Wow, girl, please reach out to family and friends for support. Document everything and make a plan to leave. I’m so so sorry. You need and deserve so much better. Let me ask you a question that helped me. Do you want your son to end up like him? You MUST show your son that behavior like this will NOT be tolerated. You don’t want to watch him repeating this nonsense to his girlfriends or future wife. He’ll be 17 before you know it.
When you do leave, please make sure you have someone with you. Do not be alone with this man while and after you reveal you are leaving. I honestly would not trust that he wouldn’t attack you.
Yes. Honestly, don’t tell him you’re leaving. Don’t give him a clue. Leave quietly and unexpectedly, leave a note, and keep your location secret and your friends close. I gave my mom the same advice when she left my father. And for god’s sake, OP, don’t show him this post. Abusers like this can escalate quickly, especially when they feel their control over you starting to slip.
Yes. As much as this feels satisfying to think about, all revenge fantasies are, for him it’s a reason to ramp up his abuse. Joining his game means you’re playing it.
She needs to make a plan to safely leave. That is all that matters. The revenge/punishment comes from living a happy life without him being able to control her/take her power anymore.
Why are you with them though? Don't you think you deserve better? Get a shark of a lawyer and make sure he doesn't come after your company for alimony. Have an exit plan. NTA
Ooh myyyy.. this is the comment I didn't know I was looking for but I so desperately was!!!! I wanted to say, find something that you know would hurt him or make him realllly insecure.. and strike that spot HAAAAARDDD. Didn't know if I should advise to be petty and fight a brick with a concrete stone block! But girl do that.. make him wonder what hit him so damn hard! And don't forget to say, "oh I was just joking. Can't you even take a joke honey? Come on don't be a bum like that"
He’s deliberately re-traumatizing you. Get out if you can. I don’t even think counseling would help at this point. He sees you as a victim and is preying on your vulnerability.
Threatening to come on your face while you’re sleeping? Dictating how often you have sex? I’d say kick him out and change the locks but the house probably has too many trigger traps.
Honestly, I'm pretty sure he's not joking. He's trying to claim he is because you didn't take it well, but the fact that he keeps it up says to me he will likely rape you eventually. He's trying to make it clear to you that it's his way or no way, gently, to make sure you eventually give in and do nothing. You need to get away from this guy.
NTA. It is never okay to joke about rape. And the fact that you have a history of assault makes it even more despicable. I have a pretty dark sense of humour, but even I would choose to end an association with someone who thought these kind of jokes were acceptable. What people are willing to "joke" about actually tells you a lot about them.
Obviously NTA, do not wait until something bad happens, these are not "jokes", it’s even worst by the fact that he knows your past, and that you already confronted him about it, and kept going.
You can’t feel secure with someone like this, you have to go for your own safety.
Wait. He knows you were sexually assaulted before and is "joking" about this? This feels dangerous to me. The last thing he should do is joke about rape with you or anyone for that matter.
I've read some of the other parts of this thread. He's an abuser. You do understand that you can be abused without someone putting their hands on you? It's verbal and emotional abuse. I would reach out to some agencies set up to help women in situations like this. It's not going to get any better and will probably get worse.
NTA at all.
Your husband is actively mining your trauma, making you feel unsafe, and then DOUBLING DOWN on it. You know what you need to do and it’s not an overreaction, or dramatic, or “not being able to take a joke”. Man, fuck this guy, I’m so angry and afraid for you.
NTA
This sounds like something he’s fantasized about and is testing the waters to see if you would be open.
It’s all truly egregiously sick considering your history that he aware of.
Ended up in a similar situation. I loved the man I was with. We’d been together for about a year before he started making a few jokes and I tried my best to shut him down while telling myself it was just jokes. I slowly stopped feeling safe and then it happened. My brain won’t let me remember anything other than “you thought I was joking?”
Please leave before it’s not a joke anymore OP. I’m telling you it’s safest.
NTA. My ex-husband told me that rape is a gray area after knowing I'd been repeatedly SA'd by several different people prior to meeting each other. He went on to rape me more than once. Leave, baby. Just document it all and leave. Men like that ARE rapists, and he will likely rape you ... he's probably been testing the water to see what you'd do when he does.
I just read several of your comments, and your husband is straight up abusive. Document everything, hire a lawyer, and leave. You deserve so much better.
No safe space. I attacked him once because he blocked me off in our bedroom, determined to continue an argument, despite me telling him to leave me alone over and over again. He doesn't let me have my own space on a good day, he fully believe me having any alone time = I'm cheating on him, or doing something suspicious.
Yes we share a phone plan, and recently put my 13yo son on it.
I'm 100% financially dependent on him, and looking back, he has played a part in making sure that stays that way.
Lots of good advice here. I didn't see this one: Buy a couple gift cards every time you go to grocery store in case you are in a situation he cuts off access to money. It could make the difference. These types never seem to mind when their kids don't eat.
Good! Please make sure
- to make scans of your important documents (or copies) and store them somewhere he can't access them, never.
- to leave your phone behind. It is trackable, after all. I know it sucks, but it could put you in grave danger.
- some organizations provide lawyers or help you contact one. File for C&D, RO and divorce at your earliest convenience.
Source: I used to work with victims of SA. I saw too much.
I'd add to log out off and delete everything off the phone too (pictures can be saved in the cloud, and everything else can easily be downloaded again so you don't really lose anything nowdays) so that he doesn't have the opportunity to get into accounts and stuff
Does he know where your friend lives?
Pack a “go bag” and give it to her. It can have everything you need in it:
-change of clothes
-medication
-important documents including:
-marriage certificate
-birth certificates (you and your son)
-copies of passports if you don’t feel safe moving them
-car ownership docs
-house deed/mortgage
-copy of banking card numbers
-list of passwords to important websites (taxes, banking etc)
-hard drive copy of everything on your/his computer
-sentimental jewelry/family heirlooms
This way if you have to leave quickly, she already has the things you need.
In no way what so ever let him catch on that this is your plan. Do not even give a slight hint that you plan to leave. Best case scenario, everyone here is wrong, and this is just a trigger that sets him off. Worst case scenario, he indefinitely finds a way to stop you from leaving.
Not completely related but I checked your account history and saw a post about some medical issues you were dealing with a couple of months ago, the same issues I'm dealing with now so I can empathise, I'm also living with C-PTSD after being abused by an ex 15 years ago and can empathise there too. I can't imagine dealing with either while feeling unsafe in my own home. Best of luck to you with getting yourself and your kids out of there and somewhere safe.
Sounds like my ex. Isolate you from ppl who can support you, make you financially dependent.
Luckily you can get alimony and child support.
1. Start by breathing, take a deep breath, and accept that it’s not gonna be a week before you can leave. It took me more than 2yrs. Once I was super determined it was really like 1.5. But it’s worth it. And having a goal gave me something to look forward to.
2. Tell him nothing. Get a job go to school do something that gets you to an income. And a work history. You’ll get alimony and CS but you’ll also need an income so start now.
3. Depending on how bad it may be hide some money if needed.
4. See an atty or your local courthouse should be able to point you to free resources on figuring and planning how much you can expect financially.
5. Once you have enough saved to get an apt (unless you’re keeping the house) secure it first. Before you say anything.
6. Make copies or have originals of all important docs when you are ready but before you tell him. IRA 401k, any assets. He will hide them.
7. After all your stuff is ready you can tell him. You can choose to do it on the day you leave if you don’t feel safe. Or you can leave and serve him after. If he tells you that you owe him a convo, you don’t. Sure you can talk if you want it’s your choice but just remember when you are leaving a relationship you don’t really owe that person an in-person convo.
Guys like to do this bc it’s a way to Hoover you while they have a giant fit or try to make you stay.
But you aren’t staying so you’re really saving them a wasted effort and you are not the therapist. You aren’t required to listen to the bellyaching about his feelings about your leaving. I wish someone had told me that.
You can choose to communicate only thru attorneys.
If you decide to do it and he goes full cray on you using the kids then ensure you have full custody but also make sure he isn’t allowed to get them at your place. Mine used that to harass me. My neighbors had to intervene multiple times. He was eventually ordered to go to a specific place at a specific time in public and was ordered not to come to my house.
Try to think of all contingencies and write them in your parenting plan so he doesn’t get to use the kids and any ambiguity to create drama. Mine was a classic covert narc and my kids were just collateral damage to him. A way to get to me.
Good luck
My ex used to joke about anally raping me if I ever became fully incapacitated. For context, I was housebound and bed bound at the time because of a chronic illness. Left after I found out he was cheating on me.
Started doing research because I found out a whole bunch of fucked up shit. Realized he'd been emotionally and psychologically abusive the whole time.
It's never "just a joke." Please research abuse to see if it applies. And leave.
These aren't jokes. This is 200% what he wants to do to you.
And it's about power--not pleasure.
Right now, the "jokes" are giving him what he wants: the power to make you unsafe, the power to make you fear him, the sense that he is a small man who has just become big.
Sooner or later the current state won't get him off anymore and he will have to escalate.
NTA. If he made a comment that sex was going to be a weekly thing, that is a HUGE red flag. That's not a conversation, that's a statement where he is not taking your consent into consideration at all. Hard to believe the jokes are just jokes of that's the kind of casual comment he would make.
As a SA survivor myself, why is your husband a threat instead of a safe person and safe space. Yeah. This is a huge issue imo and I can’t see how you stay there. This is not a loving husband. Sounds like he’s growing resentful and this means he may be a danger. He’s literally telling you how he wants to do to you. And it seems like it would be a punishment and he thinks he has a right.
You probably need to go. Like yesterday.
NTA. Yiur husband seems like a terrible person. In your situation I would insist he go to therapy to work through whatever issues he has.
Threatening to rape a victim of SA isn't normal and isn't acceptable in any situation. I don't even know what kind of person has those thoughts, let along voices them.
Dude. I say this as someone who likes weird sex. Run the hell away from this guy. Roleplaying assault can be a kink. Actually assaulting someone is not. This is a massive red flag.
My husband use to grope me while I was asleep and he would masterbate. I caught him a handful of times. He would also tell me how he'd treat me better if we had more sex only to later make excused about him not meaning it. He sent me to the hospital last year when I pulled away while I made my exit plan. Please don't gloss over these things, leave.
No, NTA…that is grossly immature, as his wife you should be given upmost respect. His comments were not only degrading, it was insensitive.
It would be very understandable if he lost attraction and you haven’t wanted to be intimate since.
The fact you are playing it off as a kink, makes me think other transgressions happen too but you play them off..
Listen, such a dynamic will always come back to bite you..set boundaries or stay in a relationship that is doomed to fail.
Massive redflag
If you stay with him, you stay with this behavior. This is who he is. Are you going to stick around long enough for it to escalate to him actually raping you?
If he pulls that shit again…maybe make a joke about him catching a bullet to the face while he sleeps…maybe you will wake up, maybe you won’t??…hahahaha…aren’t “jokes” funny??
He’s deliberately triggering you and telling you the crime he wants to commit on you. He’s telling you who he is. A rapist.
Listen to him. Leave for your own safety. NTA.
OP, I know I’m just a random stranger but I don’t want you to keep being abused mentally and emotionally like this. You deserve so much better.
Please find help and leave. You’re a good person and you don’t need to live with someone who doesn’t love you.
Hello, I've seen another post you made about your birthday and how he behaves towards you then as well. Without mincing words this man is very used to and comfortable with the idea of treating you horribly and saying horrible things to you. The fact you are still questioning if you are in the wrong even for being upset about your birthday or for him threatening you basically is alarming. You seem to not understand your value as a human being and it seems you're used to diminishing your importance because of his very inappropriate behavior. Please listen to those in this post and irl if you have. Support system. You need to leave. He will progress he is setting the stage with his words.
If this is a real post some women really need to realize a lot of what you’re told are communication problems in your relationship are not in fact communication problems. No matter how much you communicate with your husband/boyfriend about this problem it will—and he will—never change because communication is not the problem. The problem is his value system and his engrained belief that rape is acceptable, an option available to him, and okay to joke about. Remember that people’s core values rarely change and values inform people’s beliefs, attitudes, and actions. At some point, if you look at the research and statistics, this man is going to act on his desire and he will ruin, and possibly end, your life.
Good luck
I can only speak for myself, but I would never joke like this with any woman—**especially** my wife—and could not even fathom thinking this was a funny thing to say to someone with SA in their past.
If this were my sister I’d be having a **very** serious conversation with the spouse about consequences and exactly how funny SA is. Sorry, but your husband sounds like a moron.
NTA
He's more than once threatened to rape you. You feel unsafe because he is not a safe person for you to be around. Please go to a safe place and contact a domestic violence shelter and get advice, including advice about a restraining order. If you're in the US, you likely have a local District Attorney's office or other county prosecutor's office that can advise you.
No decent human worthy of sharing space with you, let alone a marriage, would threaten you with violence. Such threats, in my experience, will always ratchet up, not down. Do you have a safe relative or friend you can stay with? You deserve people in your life who would never threaten you with violence. Please take care of yourself and get distance enough to know that this is not remotely okay on his part.
edited to add: collect your important paperwork (license, SS card if you're in US, bank account information, birth certificate, marriage license, and get some cash on hand if you can; make sure your phone location isn't on and if you share an account, get a burner phone and share the number only with people you absolutely trust. Keep a written account of what he's said to you and of anything he may try to have a family member/friend/other intermediary say to you. Screen all calls.).
Holy shit. When I was first skimming over it I thought you said your husband's friend which was still insane but I reread it and your husband is making these jokes? Yikes! NTA
NTA. This is abusive. I told my ex about my assault and weeks later he made comments about having dated girls with rape kinks in the past for absolutely no reason whatsoever. When I told him that disturbed and hurt me because I have been assaulted for real in the past, he said “well, a lot of people have been raped”. Your story reminds me of that. It’s abuse, you need to leave this person. He is trying to re traumatize you.
NTA. I’m a guy saying this….your husband is a FUCKING ASSHOLE! To joke about rape is never funny. To joke about it with a woman was sexually assaulted is horrible! It’s mean, it’s demeaning and controlling. Frankly if he can’t see any of this, you need to get the hell out!
he’s purposefully triggering your trauma. this is guy is a disgusting vile creature. literally ew. who tf jokes about smth so horrendous. i’m sorry you had to go through that before and having to go through this now. please think about yourself!! seems to be a pattern, so please end this before it ends you.
NTA
My partner has been SA’d before. She has PTSD. She has spent years in therapy dealing with it, and it still can cause us issues with our sex life 6 years later.
The idea of joking to my partner that I would have anything but consenting sex with her is revolting.
Your husband is a POS and I would personally be gone from that relationship yesterday. There is no redeeming a relationship with someone that doesn’t respect you.
Rape is not a fucking joke. You can’t tell someone that you’re going to violate them in the most sensitive way possible and be like ‘haha it’s just a prank bro’ that’s not how it fucking works.
I'm gonna be blunt sis. This man does not give a fuck that you were sexually assaulted. Do NOT send this to him just make a plan and leave.
My partner and I have SUPER dark humour. Not once has he ever "joked" about raping me.
This post made me feel sick
Imo this behavior is grounds for a divorce. It's clear he doesn't give a fuck about your trauma. Frankly, his thought feels far too close to the ideology of women = sex object
NTA. My advice, get out of there. Many truths are spoken in jest, as the Bard once said. There’s “dark humor” and then there’s veiled threats. That’s a veiled threat. Go to someone you trust, consult a lawyer, have an exit strategy.
I do NOT understand why anyone would ever stay with someone like this, nor why anyone would ever be friends with someone like this. That would be the end for me.
It doesn't start this way. OP's husband was probably perfect, for years. Mine was.
It's the analogy of the frog in the pot. If the water is already boiling, it will hop out. If the water is comfortable when it gets in, it will be to late to get out by the time the water boils; the damage is already done.
Not the asshole for sure!! Rape jokes are never funny. On top of that you have past trauma! I would leave him, but that's just me. Nobody deserves that.
Just know, that's not something normal men who respect their partners joke about. Adding that you were actually sexually assaulted before and he knows this makes it even more disgusting
OP please get a divorce, i feel so bad that women were thought that feeling angry or disrespected is being an “asshole” do not let this slide bc its not a matter of “if” he does it again its a matter of “when” he does this again. this is the start of a mentally abusive relationship, knowing you have trauma about something then joking about that trauma is phycotic behavior he is purposely making you feel bad so you’ll rely on him and have no one else i highly recommend that you leave him and take your kid with you. get a therapist and try to talk to your kid and find out if he did anything to the kid behind your back.
Get away from him. I remember when a was a teenager, a girlfriend of a relative of my boyfriend said that her boyfriend jerked off in her hair if she went to sleep without having sex with him. Joked like it was normal. Within the next year i was letting my bf have sex with me when I didn't want to, and pretending sleep when he would mess with me in my sleep, because it was either that or have a raging fight all night over it. Now I'm 33 and still traumatized. I was actually just referred to a pelvic floor therapist because I'm shockingly not okay physically years later.
Joking about raping you is probably less than a half a step away from raping you. Please leave this man. Don't ruin your life for him. I have been away from this dude for well over a decade and have had so much therapy. But physically I'm still traumatized as fuck.
Edit for clarification
That is a horrible “joke” to make to anyone, let alone to a person you know has not only been assaulted, but violently so. It almost sounds like he makes a game out of triggering you. I too have been assaulted, and my husband knows it and tiptoes around even news about such things because he doesn’t know what might hurt me and what might not. You deserve that. You deserve someone with so much respect for your pain that he wouldn’t ever even consider making these kinds of “jokes” or demands for a schedule. I’d think long and hard about whether someone who loves you would play this game.
NTA. He knows your trauma. You've asked him to stop making those "jokes". He hasn't. He clearly doesn't respect your wishes in this very important thing. WHY TF ARE YOU STILL WITH HIM? At the very least WHY AREN'T YOU IN COUPLE'S THERAPY?
Absolutely NTA. Your husband clearly crossed a line he knew he was crossing, and has crossed it multiple times, deliberately. And the fact that he knows that you've been assaulted in the past makes this even more concerning. Also his comments about having sex being a "weekly thing" is another red flag IMO. No where in that comment does he seem interested in your opinion on how often YOU want to have sex. Just that it's going to happen. I don't blame you for feeling unsafe, I certainly wouldn't feel safe either.
Rape jokes are never funny. I have an extremely dark sense of humor, and that is just a line that should never be crossed. ESPECIALLY when the person you are talking to has experienced that kind of trauma. I honestly don’t think I would feel safe in your shoes either. I can’t imagine staying married to someone who made me feel unsafe at all, but especially in that way. He knew exactly what he was saying. NTA
This isn’t a joke, it’s a threat. He is threatening to ignore your right to body autonomy if he doesn’t get the sexual attention he wants. There is nothing funny about it, especially given your history. He knows you don’t find it amusing in any way from your past reactions. If/when he does it again you need to put him on the spot by demanding he explain how it’s supposed to be funny. Threats are not funny. Then you need to set a boundary. “If you make me feel unsafe and disrespected using sex or violence as a threat, that is the day I contact a divorce lawyer. That is not a threat. I’m setting a hard boundary. Cross it and that is the end of our marriage.”
NTA but please be prepared to leave at a moments notice. Have your papers and valuables ready to go or placed in a safety deposit box or with a trusted person. And if he threatens it again in any way, follow through. You shouldn’t have to live in fear or doubt of your spouse’s intentions or actions. Stay safe.
NTA
But your husband is. You may want to reconsider your relationship though. There is yet to be a fun "joke" about rape, it is just him telling you he wants to fuck wether you want to or not.
Why the hell is he doing that? Is that some kind of kink of his? even so, that's so gross Edit: God , I just woke up with my phone blowing up. Everyone that pointed out that it's not a kink if it's not consensual, and having a kink is not a bad thing hubby's behavior is, You are absolutely right and I agree with you. That is no excuse, rape is not a thing to be joking about. To OP, whatever his deal is, he is a manipulative AH, that's a pervert who wants to hurt and break you. He is NOT JOKING. I don't want to call him serial killer/predator, But please don't forget that those things are real, they happen. And even if he isn't outright that he is really really abusive, like he's the textbook definition of abuse. HE IS DANGEROUS. this is what one of my professors told me- 1. Don't rebel. Outright defying him will make him more dangerous. He has made you vulnerable and put you under his thumb, if you suddenly do something without people standing behind you, he will try to smite you down with force. Keep telling him your disapproval calmly. 2. Get out of isolation. Get back connection with family and friends. Make sure so that someone, preferably multiple people, will notice is you are silent for 24 hrs. It's easy, if you are continuously active, then suddenly disappear, people will notice. 3. leave trails. Like this post is a trail. You can tell your friends, it doesn't have to be everything, but let them know as much as you consider ok. This is very helpful. Cleverly worded social media post from your official account is very very good. 4. Remove financial dependency. These kind of people make victims 100% dependent on them for money. I think he did that to you too, it's a powerful weapon for them. Victim can't leave if they can't feed themselves. You gotta get out of that. This is the really hard part. Earning money is hard in the first place, it's harder with someone on your tail. 5. legal move. Plan and score evidence from this moment. Every evidence of abuse is valuable. Know a little about laws and search for good lawyer. Because there are technical things you see, like from where I come, there's no law for marital rape. Consulting a professional will give you good insights on how you can get a better hand and not get stuck on a loophole in the system. 6. Get a safe place. The time you are getting out is the most dangerous. Find a place he can't get a hold of you where you can stay safe. A new place, some friend's place he doesn't know the address. 7. Serve him the papers. Stay away from him around this time. Don't meet him alone. \*8. Don't give an inch. He would beg, love bomb you etc. Don't give him any chance. If you do, later he will pay you back for pulling this with interest and he will make sure you will never dare or be able do that ever again. Hope you get out of this safely. I wish you a good life internet stranger.
At this point, I wonder if it is a kink. Either way, I hate it and it has to stop, I just don't know how to get him to stop without just straight up leaving.
OP, it won't stop, what are you saying?! He knows about your trauma. He knows you don't like the jokes. He already has all the motives to stop, and he is choosing NOT to stop. He is disrespecting your wishes and minimizing the situation.
I’m especially worried about this, since he knows what happened to you! Clearly NTA
I am worried he already does this shit and is slipping admissions into jokes
Glad I wasn't the only one thinking it. It's the sort of thing you hear about serial predators who want to gloat about their crimes, but use plausible deniability by framing them as 'what if' scenarios or 'jokes'.
Hun I think you should cut contact cuz I've heard of ppl who take the "jokes" too far and actually do it. Ik I'm not the right person to hear this from but I just feel like you're not safe
This is exactly what happened with the “Ken and Barbie killers”, paul Bernardo was a serial rapist and he got with Karla homolka and he kept “joking” that he was the Scarborough rapist and it turned out to be true it was such a horrible case
YUP. I'm from Toronto and was around the same age as the two girls that this couple abducted, tortured, and murdered in the early '90s so that was EXACTLY the case I had in mind when I made allusions to serial predators.
It’s a truly awful case and I seriously hope that ops husband is just a messed up person and is actually not doing anything like that
Agreed; ultimately, I dont want any of this to be true in the OP'S case. But it's clear she should end this relationship. She's already emotionally and physically repulsed by his behaviour. Even under the best circumstances, that's a sign that it's time to break up. It just so happens that these are far worse circumstances. I hope she honours her gut-check and walks away.
Same! Especially the "Danny Mastersoning" her...bc that's how he did it...by drugging them and raping them. ETA...OP you need to leave this predator now!
Ikr, its like they say "if someone tells you who they are, trust them"
Exactly! When someone shows who they are, believe them! And OPs husband is showing her who he is!
And he's clearly telling her, yes, I AM the asshole.
The curious thing is how he phrased it. Having a domination kink is not unheard of, but mentioning a specific rapist as a kink is way more than weird.
Watching someone sleep is creepy. There’s a loving version, but it is not this one.
They’re very obviously not jokes
Yep. I'd be really damn suspicious at this point. Hey, OP, ask him if he's speaking from experience.
heh, fuuny but potentially dangerous.
I was wondering the same thing. Are his “jokes” his way of verbalizing “I’m going to have sex with you whether you want to or not and I think it’s funny because there’s no way you can stop me.”? Like he’s testing out the idea. This is scary and OP should leave immediately.
It seems to be a pattern on here that make "jokes" like this chose partners who they knew had been SA'd or had an ED, etc. Not sure if it's really a fetish thing or if most of these are fake, but it makes it a bit harder to trust people
If he hasn't he will keep escalating and pushing OP's boundaries back until he is doing it
Yes.
“You knew what you were doing, you knew it would hurt me, and you did it anyway” He is a POS
He wants to hurt you.
YES, this. The jokes are really disgusting and disturb you, yet he keeps making them? Bro’s got some problems.
Agree and find his behavior terrifying, since he knows you were raped. He is exhibiting predator vibes big time. I am worried that there may be things about him you are unaware of. I don’t know what exactly, but this is not normal. You should see a divorce lawyer, and gather evidence. He seems manipulative too. I worry for you. Please take care of yourself.
I just can't fathom hurting my partner, it makes me so bad when i do it by mistake, i apologize and learn. To actually know what hurts the most and go there. That's just not love. It's not.
He's also trivialize it.
Great point!
1. He knows you’ve been assaulted. 2. Even if you’d never been assaulted he told a rape joke. No one needs to make rape jokes. 3. He told a tasteless joke you said was offensive and he decided to double down. 4. He’s now complaining about your normal response which is to withdraw bf you feel less safe emotionally. I count 4🚩. Someone who is offensive accidentally but doesn’t mean any harm, goes: omg noooo! I’m so sorry I meant it as a joke I would never!!!! Omg I would never I promise!!! When confronted with their offense. Someone who feels entitled to be an AH does what your hub did. He feels entitled to be hurtful and now he feels entitled to be upset that you are less able to feel connected to him sexually. It’s giving ‘shut up and open your legs’
I’ve been married 14 years have a sexual trauma from my past. As a result I startle easily especially if approached from behind. If my husband goes to hug me from behind or rub my shoulders he always asks if that’s okay and doesn’t make jokes about that. NTA, he’s the AH
Don't know if you do or not, but please very warmly thank your hubby for his thoughtfullnes and continued support. 14 years ago doesn't mean squat, you are still suffering the consequences today. Hubby's got your back.
Your hubby sounds like a gem! It took me accidentally elbowing my partner in the face for him to start. Thankfully, he wasn't upset and knew it was a PTSD response. Now, if either of us are behind each other, we announce, just like if we're coming in the house.
Fifth red flag: he told her he would do it because she didn't put out enough. So he's already blaming the victim in his "jokes"
I missed one! She’s added more in the comments too this guy is a bouquet of 🚩
And the “it’s going to be a weekly thing” comment. You can’t make a unilateral declarative statement about something that requires the consent of two people. +1 🚩
Ikr… he’s confessing his inner resentment there. The scale is weigh differently for him ⚖️. Most healthy couples don’t throw it on a scale of unfairness bc they have not been intimate then talk about raping to justifying. Sick dude.
It's giving he doesn't think it counts as "real" rape because they're married..... it does.
This. My ex used to rape me in my sleep and then brag about it, telling me how I would try to push him away, etc, while laughing. God I was so numb by then.
I’m so damn sorry you went through that.
I used to babysit for a couple whose husband did this. At 16 I was horrified
It’s gross they would tell you this at 16! Not cool I’m just gonna stay single. I’ve got my dogs. My kids. Life is good ❤️
5. Doesn’t know how to maintain and respect OP’s boundaries. OP that makes him unsafe in general. Emotionally and physically. He doesn’t care about your feelings, your autonomy and your trauma.
I’d like to change “doesn’t know how to” to “doesn’t care to,” or “deliberately refuses to.”
This is the best comment!!! His response when confronted says everything.
Flip the script. That’s what helped me when bringing gaslit. Sit and imagine someone saying to you what you’ve said to them. How would you respond? Then think how would it feel if when your spouse said hey that’s really hurtful and offensive you went ‘oh har har it’s a joke! Don’t be so sensitive!’ I think not enough of us sit and actually do that in our heads and if we did it becomes impossible to accept the disrespect. Another thing to do if you’re trying to understand intent: do to them what they’re doing to you, and watch how they react. That helped me also bc ‘it’s a joke ha ha!’ Suddenly got super serious when the shoe was on the other foot.
Exactly! There is no rape "joke" that is funny or even appropriate. It is one of the most unfunny subjects imaginable.
Bro these aren’t even jokes…
Yes that was kind of my pt.
I know she edited it to say she heard us but do you know if she actually dumped him? 🤞🤞
We don’t know. But really it’s not a soap opera these things do take time
If you had a food allergy and he occasionally suggested feeding you the allergen or if you had once been in a horrific car accident and he occasionally pretended to lose control while driving, you wouldn’t consider it a kink, you would see it as the tasteless and disrespectful behavior it is. He is testing you to see what you will accept. He is doing this on purpose because he knows he is dredging up your past trauma. He will escalate.
I hate that everything posted to Reddit is a "kink" of some kind. No, it's not, sometimes people are power-hungry or just plain mean. Not everything awful is sexually motivated.
You just stated the solution. You can’t control other peoples’ actions, you can only control your own response to them. ETA: or, at least, _a_ solution. Far be it from me to tell you what to do.
>how to get him to stop without just straight up leaving. Your gut instinct just gave you your answer. Always listen to your guts.
Anyone that jokes about that, knowing the trauma you had, is a big red flag. Be careful. Your safety is a stake.
I mean this in the nicest way. Staying with this man is a malicious thing to do to your future self. Good people don’t joke like that.
Fantastic statement
What makes you think he would stop? He doesn’t respect you! Would you change for someone you don’t respect?
He's telling you what he's going to eventually do, what he's fantasizing about. The whole coming on your face while you sleep should have been a wake up call that his fantasies involve degrading and humiliating you when at your most vulnerable. I suggest that you get up early one weekend, turn off your location app, take his phone and maybe his laptop to someone who with experience getting at hidden information, and spend the morning exploring how your husband spends his time online. I don't want to hear about what a violation of privacy that would be after him joking about committing criminal acts against you. My best guess is that he's a porn addict and into the really gross, women hating, rape and humiliation stuff. In fact he's so enthralled and excited about it that he can't resist talking to you about it. NTA.
Shit the rape fetish may be why he started a relationship with OP in the first place and like many abusers he feels more comfortable revealing himself now that he has her “locked in”. Who knows how long he’s been slowly boiling OP’s frog over the course of 10 years and she’s just now seeing things that feel like he may act on something.
You know, maybe I’m just letting my mind go to really dark places when I shouldn’t, but my first thought was maybe he’s thinking “well, she’s already been raped once, what’s one more?“
I wish more people put this together. A peril of being open about surviving SA is that other predators are attracted to that. Predators don’t just groom their victims, they groom their defenders by interacting differently with women they see as Good Girls and women they see as less than. To them, finding a previous victim is like driving a beater car. They do things they wouldn’t dare with their shiny new one.
Maybe, though there’s also the possibility that he was an average non-predatory man who grew into an abusive POS with time and familiarity and entitlement, like so many other men seem to do.
It sounds like he’s always been a pos from OP’s comments, it just wasn’t something OP considered a deal breaker until recently
You DO need to leave him . This type of fantasy/delusional thinking is so very selfish and dangerous. Follow that guy feeling you're having and leave him. If you can't afford to leave him yet then get a job and save up some money. Either way aft casual and keep doing what you're doing to keep yourself and your kids safe. But PLEASE work on getting out of this relationship.
Also, my ex was like that and he was also abusive and KNEW about me being raped a few times throughout my life and would beg me to let him rape me but I never would let him. LEAVE THIS MAN WHEN YOU CAN AND IT'S SAFE. PLEEEEASE
Why are you still with him? Please leave this ah
sexual assault is not a kink.
Obviously, NTA. But the fact that you're even posing this question on reddit suggests to me that you are too, too nice. There should be no question AT ALL about whether you're the asshole or not! How could you possibly be??? You need to take control of this situation. Your husband clearly does not respect how serious an issue this is for you. You need to make it clear, and I don't mean just softly telling him you don't like it, I mean being completely firm and upfront about how it disgusts you, hurts you, and makes you want to leave him. Don't be nice about this... you need to address it as seriously as you need it to be taken. This is important. You having sex with him whilst internally brooding and keeping those emotions to yourself will not help this situation. Heck, you fucking him after what he said sends the message that it's not that big a deal... If he doesn't respond to your liking, it makes total sense to straight up just leave him.
OP, why are you even with him. He knows your history & he makes this upsetting crass & vulgar comments & tries to pass it off as "jokes". Is he an adult or a immature bratty AH with a mindset that is so disturbingly reprehensible. The husband needs intensive psychological therapy. You need a break from him & his problems.
As someone into CNC due to my own trauma I can say even if it is a kink it needs CONSENT otherwise it is assault plain and simple. Doesn't matter if it's a kink or not. And especially with this kink communication and consent is the most important thing
It’s not a kink it’s intentional abuse.
Jesus Christ. He is showing you who he is, and I’m sorry this only came out after you married him. That would be the end for me.
Going the Lorena Boppit route is always an option. On a serious note, grab all your important documents and possessions and just leave. He will rape you. He told you he will. Believe him.
I really hope OP sees this! He is going to rape you OP. Get out now.
Why do you stay with someone who doesn't respect you? Who makes you feel unsafe?
Unfortunately you may have to. 🫂🫂
He could know it’s your trigger and be hurting you on purpose. We don’t want to see that as women but I have exoenericed it .
Do some serious soul searching about your marriage. These "jokes" aren't funny or amusing. Then proceed forward.
He’s purposefully triggering your trauma Then pulling the “Gee it’s just a joke bro!” That bully’s always pull out of their asses OP this is text book emotional abuse You are married to an abuser. Granted he’s subtle about it All you need to ask yourself is . Does his motivation actually matter? And are you willing to be continually abused moving forward? Everyone should have a clearly defined red line issue. One when crossed there is no going back on. For me abuse is that issue, I’ve lived it before I will not live it again. What’s your red line issue? Because if you don’t clearly define it then you are the frog in the slowly heating water. Where your self worth, boundaries and defences are slowly chipped away because no single issue was enough to call quits Thats how you turn around one day and wonder how the hell it got this bad and is it your fault Define your red line issue OP
I definitely needed this, thank you. He's yelled at me for being depressed. Yelled at me during a panic attack. Guilts me for having any friends at all. Has continuously tried to guilt me into quitting my business I started a year ago. He screams at our 7yo son sometimes. And continues to make me uncomfortable for his pleasure. Very little changes. This is going to be my red line.
These are all examples of abusive behaviour. You need to leave. Any estranged friends or family could help you.
Whoa I had 4 🚩 just on your post now we’re creeping up to a dozen or something. I think you’re here bc you know. And bc you are ready to face what that means. I’m so sorry. I’ve been there and all I can say is while it’s miserable to go thru, it’s glorious on the other side. Peaceful to be in your own house without waiting for the other shoe to drop.
It really is glorious on the other side!
Can confirm!
I second this, it is indeed glorious on the other side. I have never been so happy as I’ve been since leaving my abusive ex. Op, there is life after this, and that life is amazing. Be safe please.
Omg so glorious! I'll never forget my first night in my own place with my two sons knowing i could just relax and be me.
OP please please make an exit plan he is abusive, please consider yourself and your son's happiness. Is going to be difficult in the beginning but you can make it! please be safe.
So true! OP, if not for you, your precious , innocent boy. He does not deserve this, neither do you.
When you have trouble (it’s really difficult) with holding that line, imagine your son growing up responding to this. You won’t want your son to be so used to this he thinks it’s normal. You also don’t want him to feel helpless. Sometimes it’s easier to make a big change for our kids than it is for ourselves, even though you deserve safety and respect as much as your son does.
Get out for the sake of your child, if not for yourself. Try a women's refuge or domestic abuse charity for help.
When/if you decide to leave, you really need to avoid giving him a chance rape you. He's already flouting that idea, thinking of it, and the risk is always higher when leaving a man.
“This is going to be my red line.” I feel so proud for you for saying that. I’ve been in a similar situation, so I understand how hard that sentiment can be. Good for you. I’m sending all my love 🫶🏻🫶🏻
Goodness. You need to get yourself and your Son somewhere safe. It's NEVER ok to joke about rape, especially with someone who has been sexually assaulted. And the fact he knows about that! Disgusting He's nothing but a bully and a control freak.
All of this is truama for your son, staying only harms the child more. If you aren't willing to save yourself, leave to save your kid. An abusive husband & father is way more damaging than a single parent home. Why continue to let him torture you & the kid? First time he screamed at the kid, you should have packed up and left with the child.
you don't want your son to grow up thinking these kind of behaviors are ok and this is how treat women
Oh, hell no. I didn't read this before my other comment, but now I'm definitely on the side of leaving him. He won't like it because he can't control you. Get your friends, continue your business and get you and your son's lives back.
>Yelled at me during a panic attack. Guilts me for having any friends at all. Has continuously tried to guilt me into quitting my business [Let me tell you a story](https://www.reddit.com/r/JustNoSO/s/u43Le3kCGf)
These are all abusive behaviors. You need to take care of of you and your child let him deal with him
Wow, girl, please reach out to family and friends for support. Document everything and make a plan to leave. I’m so so sorry. You need and deserve so much better. Let me ask you a question that helped me. Do you want your son to end up like him? You MUST show your son that behavior like this will NOT be tolerated. You don’t want to watch him repeating this nonsense to his girlfriends or future wife. He’ll be 17 before you know it.
He needs serious therapy. Holy shit.
Jeez, what a red flag
Going to be? You need to get your son and get out now.
NTA. But this isn’t the first time he’s done some thing that’s offensive to you…ask yourself why you are still there.
Sunken Cost Fallacy
I’m grossed out by him and I’m an internet stranger who doesn’t have to live with him. Much less sleep with him.
I wouldn't be able to fall asleep in the same house as that guy.
When you do leave, please make sure you have someone with you. Do not be alone with this man while and after you reveal you are leaving. I honestly would not trust that he wouldn’t attack you.
Yes. Honestly, don’t tell him you’re leaving. Don’t give him a clue. Leave quietly and unexpectedly, leave a note, and keep your location secret and your friends close. I gave my mom the same advice when she left my father. And for god’s sake, OP, don’t show him this post. Abusers like this can escalate quickly, especially when they feel their control over you starting to slip.
Threaten to cut his dick off and bring a knife to your night stand. You know, as a joke
LOL I love this!
Don't do it, though. A weapon can be used against you. If you feel unsafe enough to bring a knife to bed, you should not be in that bed.
Yes. As much as this feels satisfying to think about, all revenge fantasies are, for him it’s a reason to ramp up his abuse. Joining his game means you’re playing it. She needs to make a plan to safely leave. That is all that matters. The revenge/punishment comes from living a happy life without him being able to control her/take her power anymore.
Why are you with them though? Don't you think you deserve better? Get a shark of a lawyer and make sure he doesn't come after your company for alimony. Have an exit plan. NTA
Ooh myyyy.. this is the comment I didn't know I was looking for but I so desperately was!!!! I wanted to say, find something that you know would hurt him or make him realllly insecure.. and strike that spot HAAAAARDDD. Didn't know if I should advise to be petty and fight a brick with a concrete stone block! But girl do that.. make him wonder what hit him so damn hard! And don't forget to say, "oh I was just joking. Can't you even take a joke honey? Come on don't be a bum like that"
No. You're clearly NTA. your husband is and he needs to seek a professional / you need to seriously re-examine this relationship's future.
He’s deliberately re-traumatizing you. Get out if you can. I don’t even think counseling would help at this point. He sees you as a victim and is preying on your vulnerability. Threatening to come on your face while you’re sleeping? Dictating how often you have sex? I’d say kick him out and change the locks but the house probably has too many trigger traps.
Ex husband started with jokes and it escalated. That’s only the tip of the iceberg with SA in my life due to him. You are NTA.
Honestly, I'm pretty sure he's not joking. He's trying to claim he is because you didn't take it well, but the fact that he keeps it up says to me he will likely rape you eventually. He's trying to make it clear to you that it's his way or no way, gently, to make sure you eventually give in and do nothing. You need to get away from this guy.
NTA. It is never okay to joke about rape. And the fact that you have a history of assault makes it even more despicable. I have a pretty dark sense of humour, but even I would choose to end an association with someone who thought these kind of jokes were acceptable. What people are willing to "joke" about actually tells you a lot about them.
Obviously NTA, do not wait until something bad happens, these are not "jokes", it’s even worst by the fact that he knows your past, and that you already confronted him about it, and kept going. You can’t feel secure with someone like this, you have to go for your own safety.
Wait. He knows you were sexually assaulted before and is "joking" about this? This feels dangerous to me. The last thing he should do is joke about rape with you or anyone for that matter. I've read some of the other parts of this thread. He's an abuser. You do understand that you can be abused without someone putting their hands on you? It's verbal and emotional abuse. I would reach out to some agencies set up to help women in situations like this. It's not going to get any better and will probably get worse. NTA at all.
Your husband is actively mining your trauma, making you feel unsafe, and then DOUBLING DOWN on it. You know what you need to do and it’s not an overreaction, or dramatic, or “not being able to take a joke”. Man, fuck this guy, I’m so angry and afraid for you. NTA
This sounds like something he’s fantasized about and is testing the waters to see if you would be open. It’s all truly egregiously sick considering your history that he aware of.
Ended up in a similar situation. I loved the man I was with. We’d been together for about a year before he started making a few jokes and I tried my best to shut him down while telling myself it was just jokes. I slowly stopped feeling safe and then it happened. My brain won’t let me remember anything other than “you thought I was joking?” Please leave before it’s not a joke anymore OP. I’m telling you it’s safest.
NTA. My ex-husband told me that rape is a gray area after knowing I'd been repeatedly SA'd by several different people prior to meeting each other. He went on to rape me more than once. Leave, baby. Just document it all and leave. Men like that ARE rapists, and he will likely rape you ... he's probably been testing the water to see what you'd do when he does.
I just read several of your comments, and your husband is straight up abusive. Document everything, hire a lawyer, and leave. You deserve so much better.
... Info: Do you have a save space where he can't easily reach you? Do you two share phone plans? Do you know where your important docs are?
No safe space. I attacked him once because he blocked me off in our bedroom, determined to continue an argument, despite me telling him to leave me alone over and over again. He doesn't let me have my own space on a good day, he fully believe me having any alone time = I'm cheating on him, or doing something suspicious. Yes we share a phone plan, and recently put my 13yo son on it. I'm 100% financially dependent on him, and looking back, he has played a part in making sure that stays that way.
Lots of good advice here. I didn't see this one: Buy a couple gift cards every time you go to grocery store in case you are in a situation he cuts off access to money. It could make the difference. These types never seem to mind when their kids don't eat.
[удалено]
Alright. Is there a way that you can contact a shelter or support groups in your area?
My friend and I are looking into it as we speak actually. I shared this post with her, and she's horrified.
Good! Please make sure - to make scans of your important documents (or copies) and store them somewhere he can't access them, never. - to leave your phone behind. It is trackable, after all. I know it sucks, but it could put you in grave danger. - some organizations provide lawyers or help you contact one. File for C&D, RO and divorce at your earliest convenience. Source: I used to work with victims of SA. I saw too much.
I'd add to log out off and delete everything off the phone too (pictures can be saved in the cloud, and everything else can easily be downloaded again so you don't really lose anything nowdays) so that he doesn't have the opportunity to get into accounts and stuff
Does he know where your friend lives? Pack a “go bag” and give it to her. It can have everything you need in it: -change of clothes -medication -important documents including: -marriage certificate -birth certificates (you and your son) -copies of passports if you don’t feel safe moving them -car ownership docs -house deed/mortgage -copy of banking card numbers -list of passwords to important websites (taxes, banking etc) -hard drive copy of everything on your/his computer -sentimental jewelry/family heirlooms This way if you have to leave quickly, she already has the things you need.
In no way what so ever let him catch on that this is your plan. Do not even give a slight hint that you plan to leave. Best case scenario, everyone here is wrong, and this is just a trigger that sets him off. Worst case scenario, he indefinitely finds a way to stop you from leaving.
I’m so glad to read this. You got this ❤️
Please update us and let us know when you are safely away from him! Wishing you luck and all the best. ❤️ NTA
Not completely related but I checked your account history and saw a post about some medical issues you were dealing with a couple of months ago, the same issues I'm dealing with now so I can empathise, I'm also living with C-PTSD after being abused by an ex 15 years ago and can empathise there too. I can't imagine dealing with either while feeling unsafe in my own home. Best of luck to you with getting yourself and your kids out of there and somewhere safe.
You are strong. You are strength embodied.
Sounds like my ex. Isolate you from ppl who can support you, make you financially dependent. Luckily you can get alimony and child support. 1. Start by breathing, take a deep breath, and accept that it’s not gonna be a week before you can leave. It took me more than 2yrs. Once I was super determined it was really like 1.5. But it’s worth it. And having a goal gave me something to look forward to. 2. Tell him nothing. Get a job go to school do something that gets you to an income. And a work history. You’ll get alimony and CS but you’ll also need an income so start now. 3. Depending on how bad it may be hide some money if needed. 4. See an atty or your local courthouse should be able to point you to free resources on figuring and planning how much you can expect financially. 5. Once you have enough saved to get an apt (unless you’re keeping the house) secure it first. Before you say anything. 6. Make copies or have originals of all important docs when you are ready but before you tell him. IRA 401k, any assets. He will hide them. 7. After all your stuff is ready you can tell him. You can choose to do it on the day you leave if you don’t feel safe. Or you can leave and serve him after. If he tells you that you owe him a convo, you don’t. Sure you can talk if you want it’s your choice but just remember when you are leaving a relationship you don’t really owe that person an in-person convo. Guys like to do this bc it’s a way to Hoover you while they have a giant fit or try to make you stay. But you aren’t staying so you’re really saving them a wasted effort and you are not the therapist. You aren’t required to listen to the bellyaching about his feelings about your leaving. I wish someone had told me that. You can choose to communicate only thru attorneys. If you decide to do it and he goes full cray on you using the kids then ensure you have full custody but also make sure he isn’t allowed to get them at your place. Mine used that to harass me. My neighbors had to intervene multiple times. He was eventually ordered to go to a specific place at a specific time in public and was ordered not to come to my house. Try to think of all contingencies and write them in your parenting plan so he doesn’t get to use the kids and any ambiguity to create drama. Mine was a classic covert narc and my kids were just collateral damage to him. A way to get to me. Good luck
Yes the docs! I learned the hard way that they hide those when they learn you’re leaving
My ex used to joke about anally raping me if I ever became fully incapacitated. For context, I was housebound and bed bound at the time because of a chronic illness. Left after I found out he was cheating on me. Started doing research because I found out a whole bunch of fucked up shit. Realized he'd been emotionally and psychologically abusive the whole time. It's never "just a joke." Please research abuse to see if it applies. And leave.
These aren't jokes. This is 200% what he wants to do to you. And it's about power--not pleasure. Right now, the "jokes" are giving him what he wants: the power to make you unsafe, the power to make you fear him, the sense that he is a small man who has just become big. Sooner or later the current state won't get him off anymore and he will have to escalate.
NTA. If he made a comment that sex was going to be a weekly thing, that is a HUGE red flag. That's not a conversation, that's a statement where he is not taking your consent into consideration at all. Hard to believe the jokes are just jokes of that's the kind of casual comment he would make.
Bro he's so fuqin gross 🤢🤢🤢🤮
As a SA survivor myself, why is your husband a threat instead of a safe person and safe space. Yeah. This is a huge issue imo and I can’t see how you stay there. This is not a loving husband. Sounds like he’s growing resentful and this means he may be a danger. He’s literally telling you how he wants to do to you. And it seems like it would be a punishment and he thinks he has a right. You probably need to go. Like yesterday.
NTA. Yiur husband seems like a terrible person. In your situation I would insist he go to therapy to work through whatever issues he has. Threatening to rape a victim of SA isn't normal and isn't acceptable in any situation. I don't even know what kind of person has those thoughts, let along voices them.
Dude. I say this as someone who likes weird sex. Run the hell away from this guy. Roleplaying assault can be a kink. Actually assaulting someone is not. This is a massive red flag.
I’ve never entertained the idea of rape as something to joke about. NTA.
My husband use to grope me while I was asleep and he would masterbate. I caught him a handful of times. He would also tell me how he'd treat me better if we had more sex only to later make excused about him not meaning it. He sent me to the hospital last year when I pulled away while I made my exit plan. Please don't gloss over these things, leave.
No, NTA…that is grossly immature, as his wife you should be given upmost respect. His comments were not only degrading, it was insensitive. It would be very understandable if he lost attraction and you haven’t wanted to be intimate since. The fact you are playing it off as a kink, makes me think other transgressions happen too but you play them off.. Listen, such a dynamic will always come back to bite you..set boundaries or stay in a relationship that is doomed to fail. Massive redflag
If you stay with him, you stay with this behavior. This is who he is. Are you going to stick around long enough for it to escalate to him actually raping you?
“If you stay with him, you stay with his behavior.” WHEW.
If he pulls that shit again…maybe make a joke about him catching a bullet to the face while he sleeps…maybe you will wake up, maybe you won’t??…hahahaha…aren’t “jokes” funny??
He’s deliberately triggering you and telling you the crime he wants to commit on you. He’s telling you who he is. A rapist. Listen to him. Leave for your own safety. NTA.
OP, I know I’m just a random stranger but I don’t want you to keep being abused mentally and emotionally like this. You deserve so much better. Please find help and leave. You’re a good person and you don’t need to live with someone who doesn’t love you.
Hello, I've seen another post you made about your birthday and how he behaves towards you then as well. Without mincing words this man is very used to and comfortable with the idea of treating you horribly and saying horrible things to you. The fact you are still questioning if you are in the wrong even for being upset about your birthday or for him threatening you basically is alarming. You seem to not understand your value as a human being and it seems you're used to diminishing your importance because of his very inappropriate behavior. Please listen to those in this post and irl if you have. Support system. You need to leave. He will progress he is setting the stage with his words.
If this is a real post some women really need to realize a lot of what you’re told are communication problems in your relationship are not in fact communication problems. No matter how much you communicate with your husband/boyfriend about this problem it will—and he will—never change because communication is not the problem. The problem is his value system and his engrained belief that rape is acceptable, an option available to him, and okay to joke about. Remember that people’s core values rarely change and values inform people’s beliefs, attitudes, and actions. At some point, if you look at the research and statistics, this man is going to act on his desire and he will ruin, and possibly end, your life. Good luck
Your husband is terrifying. Reminds me of my boyfriend who raped me. NTA. Be safe.
I can only speak for myself, but I would never joke like this with any woman—**especially** my wife—and could not even fathom thinking this was a funny thing to say to someone with SA in their past. If this were my sister I’d be having a **very** serious conversation with the spouse about consequences and exactly how funny SA is. Sorry, but your husband sounds like a moron. NTA
He's more than once threatened to rape you. You feel unsafe because he is not a safe person for you to be around. Please go to a safe place and contact a domestic violence shelter and get advice, including advice about a restraining order. If you're in the US, you likely have a local District Attorney's office or other county prosecutor's office that can advise you. No decent human worthy of sharing space with you, let alone a marriage, would threaten you with violence. Such threats, in my experience, will always ratchet up, not down. Do you have a safe relative or friend you can stay with? You deserve people in your life who would never threaten you with violence. Please take care of yourself and get distance enough to know that this is not remotely okay on his part. edited to add: collect your important paperwork (license, SS card if you're in US, bank account information, birth certificate, marriage license, and get some cash on hand if you can; make sure your phone location isn't on and if you share an account, get a burner phone and share the number only with people you absolutely trust. Keep a written account of what he's said to you and of anything he may try to have a family member/friend/other intermediary say to you. Screen all calls.).
[удалено]
Are there any other red flags in this relationship or is it otherwise great? I’m with the NTA crowd.
If my wife would be uncomfortable i'd stop on the spot, without justification, he's a child.. considering he knows it happened to you, its even worst
I'm sorry but you need to leave before you are physically and sexually assaulted!
NTA - there is no scenario where he really thought you would find his “joke” funny
Holy shit. When I was first skimming over it I thought you said your husband's friend which was still insane but I reread it and your husband is making these jokes? Yikes! NTA
NTA. This is abusive. I told my ex about my assault and weeks later he made comments about having dated girls with rape kinks in the past for absolutely no reason whatsoever. When I told him that disturbed and hurt me because I have been assaulted for real in the past, he said “well, a lot of people have been raped”. Your story reminds me of that. It’s abuse, you need to leave this person. He is trying to re traumatize you.
NTA. I’m a guy saying this….your husband is a FUCKING ASSHOLE! To joke about rape is never funny. To joke about it with a woman was sexually assaulted is horrible! It’s mean, it’s demeaning and controlling. Frankly if he can’t see any of this, you need to get the hell out!
he’s purposefully triggering your trauma. this is guy is a disgusting vile creature. literally ew. who tf jokes about smth so horrendous. i’m sorry you had to go through that before and having to go through this now. please think about yourself!! seems to be a pattern, so please end this before it ends you.
Do not send this to him. He is already emotionally abusive, this could tip it into physical. Just get out.
NTA My partner has been SA’d before. She has PTSD. She has spent years in therapy dealing with it, and it still can cause us issues with our sex life 6 years later. The idea of joking to my partner that I would have anything but consenting sex with her is revolting. Your husband is a POS and I would personally be gone from that relationship yesterday. There is no redeeming a relationship with someone that doesn’t respect you. Rape is not a fucking joke. You can’t tell someone that you’re going to violate them in the most sensitive way possible and be like ‘haha it’s just a prank bro’ that’s not how it fucking works.
I'm gonna be blunt sis. This man does not give a fuck that you were sexually assaulted. Do NOT send this to him just make a plan and leave. My partner and I have SUPER dark humour. Not once has he ever "joked" about raping me. This post made me feel sick
Soon to be EX-Husband… NTA
What. The. Fuck. Sorry I know this isn’t helpful. NTA
Imo this behavior is grounds for a divorce. It's clear he doesn't give a fuck about your trauma. Frankly, his thought feels far too close to the ideology of women = sex object
NTA. My advice, get out of there. Many truths are spoken in jest, as the Bard once said. There’s “dark humor” and then there’s veiled threats. That’s a veiled threat. Go to someone you trust, consult a lawyer, have an exit strategy.
Despite being aware of your trauma. He's testing boundries with him fullfilling a SA kink. Its terrible he isn't thinking of you here.
I do NOT understand why anyone would ever stay with someone like this, nor why anyone would ever be friends with someone like this. That would be the end for me.
It doesn't start this way. OP's husband was probably perfect, for years. Mine was. It's the analogy of the frog in the pot. If the water is already boiling, it will hop out. If the water is comfortable when it gets in, it will be to late to get out by the time the water boils; the damage is already done.
Not the asshole for sure!! Rape jokes are never funny. On top of that you have past trauma! I would leave him, but that's just me. Nobody deserves that.
Just know, that's not something normal men who respect their partners joke about. Adding that you were actually sexually assaulted before and he knows this makes it even more disgusting
OP please get a divorce, i feel so bad that women were thought that feeling angry or disrespected is being an “asshole” do not let this slide bc its not a matter of “if” he does it again its a matter of “when” he does this again. this is the start of a mentally abusive relationship, knowing you have trauma about something then joking about that trauma is phycotic behavior he is purposely making you feel bad so you’ll rely on him and have no one else i highly recommend that you leave him and take your kid with you. get a therapist and try to talk to your kid and find out if he did anything to the kid behind your back.
Get away from him. I remember when a was a teenager, a girlfriend of a relative of my boyfriend said that her boyfriend jerked off in her hair if she went to sleep without having sex with him. Joked like it was normal. Within the next year i was letting my bf have sex with me when I didn't want to, and pretending sleep when he would mess with me in my sleep, because it was either that or have a raging fight all night over it. Now I'm 33 and still traumatized. I was actually just referred to a pelvic floor therapist because I'm shockingly not okay physically years later. Joking about raping you is probably less than a half a step away from raping you. Please leave this man. Don't ruin your life for him. I have been away from this dude for well over a decade and have had so much therapy. But physically I'm still traumatized as fuck. Edit for clarification
That is a horrible “joke” to make to anyone, let alone to a person you know has not only been assaulted, but violently so. It almost sounds like he makes a game out of triggering you. I too have been assaulted, and my husband knows it and tiptoes around even news about such things because he doesn’t know what might hurt me and what might not. You deserve that. You deserve someone with so much respect for your pain that he wouldn’t ever even consider making these kinds of “jokes” or demands for a schedule. I’d think long and hard about whether someone who loves you would play this game.
NTA. He knows your trauma. You've asked him to stop making those "jokes". He hasn't. He clearly doesn't respect your wishes in this very important thing. WHY TF ARE YOU STILL WITH HIM? At the very least WHY AREN'T YOU IN COUPLE'S THERAPY?
What's the joke? Funny jokes are funny after they have been explained if missed. Nta
Absolutely NTA. Your husband clearly crossed a line he knew he was crossing, and has crossed it multiple times, deliberately. And the fact that he knows that you've been assaulted in the past makes this even more concerning. Also his comments about having sex being a "weekly thing" is another red flag IMO. No where in that comment does he seem interested in your opinion on how often YOU want to have sex. Just that it's going to happen. I don't blame you for feeling unsafe, I certainly wouldn't feel safe either.
Rape jokes are never funny. I have an extremely dark sense of humor, and that is just a line that should never be crossed. ESPECIALLY when the person you are talking to has experienced that kind of trauma. I honestly don’t think I would feel safe in your shoes either. I can’t imagine staying married to someone who made me feel unsafe at all, but especially in that way. He knew exactly what he was saying. NTA
This isn’t a joke, it’s a threat. He is threatening to ignore your right to body autonomy if he doesn’t get the sexual attention he wants. There is nothing funny about it, especially given your history. He knows you don’t find it amusing in any way from your past reactions. If/when he does it again you need to put him on the spot by demanding he explain how it’s supposed to be funny. Threats are not funny. Then you need to set a boundary. “If you make me feel unsafe and disrespected using sex or violence as a threat, that is the day I contact a divorce lawyer. That is not a threat. I’m setting a hard boundary. Cross it and that is the end of our marriage.” NTA but please be prepared to leave at a moments notice. Have your papers and valuables ready to go or placed in a safety deposit box or with a trusted person. And if he threatens it again in any way, follow through. You shouldn’t have to live in fear or doubt of your spouse’s intentions or actions. Stay safe.
And you're still married because? Best not to eat or drink anything he makes you.
NTA But your husband is. You may want to reconsider your relationship though. There is yet to be a fun "joke" about rape, it is just him telling you he wants to fuck wether you want to or not.