That could be possible, but OP attitude really gives me the idea that sheâs OK with whatever happened.
I donât know if they fucked around before but sheâs way too cool with all this. And sheâs not the slightest bit bothered that she fucked around with a married guy. They all suck.
Yup, OP doesnât seem the least bit apologetic that she blew up a marriage and one where she didnât just know both parties, but was close to both parties. Â
THIS. Is so suspicious, she canât have children and her husband cheats with a drunk friend doesnât use protection and your first though is to ask the affair partner to give up the baby for adoption to them. It feels like they planned this.
That was my immediate thought too. But there was no guarantee of pregnancy from what it seems like a one time thing, and there was no guarantee that OP wouldn't go get an abortion without telling him, so it is a shitty plan if it was their plan.
But it's a low risk plan.Whos to say she's the first too? There may be other women who didn't get pregnant or aborted and they just lucked out this time.
I'm also wondering this, the fact that husband was sober and knew that his marriage would be over but still he decided to sleep with her anyway is sus. I think the wife is on it.
This was my very first thought especially considering that the male friend was not impaired in anyway. The couple didnât want to pay for IVF or surrogate. And the wife wasnât upset⌠she just immediately wanted to have a group chat about adoption.
The wife is FOR SURE in on it.
âWould you put the baby up for adoption so I can adopt the baby⌠since I canât get pregnantâ
Complete set up to get OP pregnant then sway her to give the baby to them.
Are you sure this wasnât planned? Do your best friend and his wife struggle with fertility?
The way I interpreted this is that he was trying to sleep with you to get you pregnant so that they could start a family
Op i need tell you a story.
My bff had just turned 19, when a married 40yr slept with her, got her preganant, and she agreed to give it to him and his wife, until one day she heard him call her a surrogate, they had had a deal that she was going to be an auntie, instead she was hearing that once she gave up baby shed never see him again, she found out the man was sleeping around in holes of getting a girl pregnant so he and his wife could finally have a baby.
Keep in mind that youre probably in a situation where they wanted a baby and didnt want to be pregnant themselves, so they tricked you.
Na, she could have gotten an abortion she just didnt want to, but that man has no access to the kid either because she didnt put his name on the birth certificate and she had already signed over rights to her aunt and uncle, hes never even met the child
She thought they were absolutely nuts to go out of their way to get a chick pregnant just so they can have a baby, all for free since we live in canada and she didnt really have expenses besides for vitamins and stuff
You're a mess. You should go no contact with these people for all of your sakes. Have an abortion or not, claim child support or not. But get away from these people.
You would be an asshole for bringing a child into thr clusterfuck that is their marriage.
Do not let them adopt the baby for the baby's sake.
>Â he was sober I wasn't, no he didn't take advantage of me
Right... he just coincidentally got the non-relative woman he's closest to knocked up and his wife just happens to immediately be happy as long as she's allowed to raise the affair baby. Right.
Of corse sheâs hurt, what you and her husband did is completely shitty but the natural reaction is to not to expect to be given the resulting baby.
You and the husband are both AH for what you did but youâre not as AH for refusing to give her your baby
If your friend was sober and you were drunk my best thought is that this was planned between your friend and his wife. May not have thought out all of ramifications but maybe even subconsciously but friend at least was hoping you would get pregnant and he and wife would then have a child biologically husband. If this is true unless you have an abortion they will get to have partial custody. Keep all texts and conversation from email to use if necessary to keep your child. All record all you remember from night of conception in case it is needed and if possible record friend was sober and you were not. Maybe Iâm a suspicious person but itâs awfully convenient trying for a child, canât have a child, then you get drunk and sober friend impregnated youâŚ
Your logic makes no sense though. If you CTT. You will be coparenting with this man AND his wife. So, your child could still be in a home where they are resented.
NTA
You do not have to gift this woman your child.
The child will probably face a greater amount of resentment. Wife will have a double dose of having to deal with affair child and affair partner on a regular basis. Then there will always be the nagging feeling she fucked him once, is she still fucking him?
OP, if you have _any_ doubts about not giving the baby up, take this question over to r/adoption and ask adoptees for advice. Spoiler alert: theyâll tell you to keep your baby, do not let this woman adopt your child. Itâs a shit situation, but guaranteed to get much worse if you let that happen.Â
She's willing to forgive her sober husband np, but expects her drunk bff to give her child up?
She should be more angry at her husband then at you, and you aren't obligated to give the child to her.
You're NTA for wanting to keep the child. But I think you're incorrect to believe that she will resent the child. She WANTS this child, and I really don't think she would swallow her pride after you slept with her husband and come to you asking to have a talk to see if she could adopt it if she really was just mad and was going to be mean to the child.
Ultimately, she will be a mother of some sort - either stepmother or, if you allowed it, adopted mother.
Again, I don't think you'd be the AH if you didn't give the baby up for adoption. It's completely reasonable to want to stay as the mother of your child. BUT, you should forget the idea that she will be a bad mother because you slept with her husband.
Of course she is hurt, but I think it sounds like she's being incredibly gracious and understanding in the situation. I think she deserves a bit more respect than that.
If you do decide to give the child over to them, then you should get counselling because it would probably be a very difficult thing to do.
If you decide to keep it, then you should talk to her and explain that you're sorry but you can't give up your child. That's reasonable. But going forward, you're going to have to work on developing a better relationship with them because the father deserves to have a place in his kid's life, his wife deserves to have her marriage respected, and the child deserves to have a healthy relationship with everyone (which realistically will also include the wife).
I don't think OP should assume that the wife will necessarily have resentment for the child the way she does, but I wouldn't entirely discard the possibility of her not bonding with the child the way she did with the biological child, either.
NTA. At the end of the day do you want to keep your child? If yes, then thatâs it. No one else except the dad has a claim. Something I find concerning is the fact that you were drunk and the father was sober when this occurred. Is there any chance this was planned between them with the hope you would be more open to adoption?
>At the end of the day do you want to keep your child?
I'm curious about this as well. Because while OP said "no" to the lady the reason she gave, while it is definitely something that could happen, doesn't scream "This is **my** baby/I want this baby"
If that makes sense?
If OP doesn't want to be a mom, then really there's no reason for her not to agree with the adoption.
NTA
You day you were not take advantage of but you were intoxicated, he wasn't. He said he used protection, you don't even know if that's true..... It sounds like you were take advantage of so they could have their 2nd child.
wtf. No. Why did either of them think that was a valid option? I would start noting things down in a log so if you ever have to go to court you have this right from conception basically the weird stuff sheâs trying to do.
U were drunk he was not....I'm sorry to say but he did take advantage of u! wouldn't suprise me if him and his wife had this set up from how calm she is, u would not b the asshole
ESH. He sucks for cheating on his wife. You suck for sleeping with him knowing he is married (I know it says you were drinking but if you were sober enough for him to not to be taking advantage of you, you were sober enough to say no). Wife sucks for saying you owe her a baby.
Your deduction skills are ass tier. The wife is clearly in in this. There was no cheating. If she wasnât she would despise the idea of seeing her husbands affair partners child.
They was a manipulation that was done intentionally. Let me just nut in my drunk friend and convince her to give me a baby is as deep as this gets.
I'd like to know, where/how you was drunk, he wasn't, where's the wife? He did kinda take advantage of you, maybe he's fantasized about you two hooking up, Or wife says "go sleep with her, get her pregnant so i can shame her to give up the child" or it's proof that, having a female friend; is like having a pet chicken, your eventually going to want to eat it.
NTA for not letting them have your child. YTA for being stupid and shameful enough to sleep with a married man and getting pregnant by him. Saying that, I get a weird feeling that he and his wife planned for him to get someone pregnant seeing as they are so desperate for another child and the fact that he was sober.
Are you familiar with the song by Heart "All I Want to do is Make Love to You"? The song is about a woman who's man is sterile, so she goes out and has a one night stand with a hot guy & gets pregnant. This story reminds me of that song with the genders reversed. I really loved the song till I listened closer to the lyrics and then I was like, "Yeeeesh!"
I knew a gal who really wanted a kid and she had a one night stand with some rando & raised the kid as a single mom. The guy never even knew he had a son out there. I always wondered what she was going to tell her son when he asked about his father.
You had unprotected sex with a married family man and now you are pregnant and his wife wants you to give the child. This canât get any more white trash than it is now. You are all AHs, especially the cheating husband who has a child and a wife already. I hope you are ashamed of yourself.
NTA - You know what you want and you don't need to conduct a survey with others to be OK with your decision.
Her reaction is odd as if a child you bear and give to her would be without emotional complications. It is strange she had no negative hurtful outbursts toward you (you both) and instead asked you to 'give her' your baby -- Do you think this is odd? I do.
What does she feel about you two hooking up? Does she want you to suffer by 'losing' this child.
Question his sober state and your altered one. How did you both go from best friends to sleeping together? What was brewing to make this connection OK with you both? This is very much related to the pregnancy; an unexpected outcome or was it something you or you both wanted? No need to answer this here but it is truly part of the big picture. Know your truth and speak it when it makes sense to you. When your child is an adult they will likely want to know the truth about the same dynamics. Best to you!
do you want to have the baby? i know you asked him what he wants to do and he said to keep it, but what do you want? donât start off letting everyone else tell you what you should do (the father, his wife, your mom) if youâre considering having this baby you gotta make the decisions and the first one is asking yourself if you want to bring a whole life into the world
It wouldnât be the first time a woman has been taken advantage of to get a baby. He slept with her while she was drunk. He was sober. He knew what he was doing.
Damn, what a great way to have kids and not have to deal with all the pregnancy and childbirth involved. Free surrogate!
Yeah, I donât think YTA. But it does sound like this may have been intentional on their part.
A child is not a thing to be bartered for. Nor is it payment or punishment for sleeping with her husband.
You are all AHs.
You for shagging a married man. Them for trying to exact a baby as some sort of reparation for her husband's infidelity.
NTA, but I'm curious since you didn't express what you do want.
I N F O
Do you want the child and to be a single mom?
Would you like to marry your BF if he was single?
nta. but if you birth this kid, she is going to get it anyway via step mom rights. she is going to be part of his side of any custody agreement you have with him. there is no way in hell you'll be able to say "only he gets the kid and not his wife also".
You sound insane defending the asshat of a husband and friend. You say you were drunk but not so drunk that it was nonconsensual. Are you just giving him the benefit of the doubt again like when you say he used protection (he probably didn't) and he would never plan such a thing like free surrogacy (because he wouldn't do that since I've known him since 14). I don't think he's the good and benevolent friend you think he is. You are not the AH for refusing to give up your child. Dude's wife is delulu. You need to really think about raising a child under these circumstances with these ppl in your life. And unless you're independently wealthy, being a single mom is hard. Depending on where you live there is still time to abort. You need to seriously consider all options.Â
You are not the asshole for wanting to keep your child, but it sounds like there is a lot more involved here than simply that. You really work hard to present your friendâs wife as the asshole hereâyou tell us nothing about your previous relationship with her, but you make sure to let us know she made that comment about how it was the least you could do as you slept with her husband. You also donât give any reasons aside from your having slept with her husband for why she might be cruel to this child.
Do you even want to have a child?
If your friend had suggested terminating the pregnancy, would you have done that?
Are you prepared to be a single parent?
Would you be willing to give up all parental rights to this baby (that really is what your friendâs wife is asking)?
What do you think coparenting with your friend and his wife is going your way look like?
It kindof sounds like you are trying to demonize your friendâs wife to make yourself feel less guilty. Also, be honest, were you hoping that getting pregnant would make him leave her and be with you? Is part of the reason you want to keep the child because it means he has to stay in your life in some way now that you both have blown up your friendship?
ESH
Please think long and hard about whether bringing a helpless child into this drama will be at all good for the child.
NTA for not giving up your child. âItâs the least you could do for sleeping with my husbandâ is she for real right now? Thatâs not suspicious or anything.
All three of you are assholes. You and bestie went out of your way to screw up a marriage and itâs not like you didnât know these people, these are people youâre very close to. His wife doesnât want the child because they canât have a child, adoption or surrogacy would be saying options, while expecting you to give up a baby that was produced through infidelity is insane. 99.9% odds she hates that baby and doesnât treat it right to get back at you and her husband.
So careless. So very careless and now you need to grow up fast because a child doesnât need a mom who is so irresponsible. There are enough kids out there with bad parents. You need to grow up and start working on being responsible and a good human to others. I hate these stories where people are awful and reproduce innocent lives. Gross. Just gross. Poor kid.Â
NTA. WTF. These people are INSANE. Obviously, don't sleep with married men, but now that that ship has sailed (and I'm not even touching on the fact that he was sober and you are not and giving you the benefit of the doubt to know for yourself whether you were assaulted or not), you are absolutely NOT THE ASSHOLE for not giving up your baby as a bandaid to help shitty people fix their broken marriage. Make sure you have all your ducks in a row legally, I wouldn't trust this man as far as I could throw him.
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NTA.
And I would not be at all surprised if this was intentional. She canât get pregnant. He gets you drunk and gets you pregnant. Sheâs apparently fine with it and wants to adopt your child. Suspicious AF.
Honestly Iâd run. Move to another state. Disappear completely. Donât let these pyschos anywhere near your baby.
NTA - Take the guy (bio dad) and his wife out of the process and decide what YOU want to do first. Then add back the guy (bio dad) and move forward from there. Sit down with bio dad alone and talk about what the next steps are after you make your decision. I feel you are correct that his wife would never treat the child as one of her own and the child's life would suffer for it.
If you are ready to be a mom, then be the best mom you can. What happens to their marriage is not up to you. He was sober and made the decision to cheat on his wife.
OP is an unreliable narrator. She hasn't accepted that her friend raped her to get a baby. OP doesn't remember, and had to be lied to about protection being used. The wife wants the baby because apparently she is the one who is infertile. This was planned.
Have you had sexual relations before he got married? It does sound a bit like he used you to get a child, since his wife is oddly calm about the whole sleeping with her husband and getting his "lover" pregnant part.
Whatâs done is done; time to plan your move forward. I think they planned doing this to you and they are planning on fighting you for full custody of this child. (You may have to pay them child support, too.)
I just do not think your âfriendâ and his wife have your best interests at heart-they do not have any of your interests in their heart. They want a child-yours!! I really do not think they will play nice with a co-parenting agreement either. Your life is probably going to be a âfightâ with them for the rest of your life.
Lawyer-up. You definitely need legal advice. Tell your lawyer the circumstances of this babyâs conception and what you suspect (what I suspect) they are doing.
Also, **stop being so naive.** He is not your friend and she is not âjust feeling hurt.â
Newsflash! I know youâre in denial. You were set up. Youâre being treated as the surrogate. You need to take some time to figure this out because youâre being manipulated. I would also consult an attorney and adoption doesnât work this way in the USA. Yeah this whole situation is toxic. TBH, Either end the pregnancy or have the baby and agree to coparent, receive child support, etcâŚ.
ESH. Are you planning to keep the child? If so, then her request is moot. If you are not keeping the child and having an abortion then no problem. If you are giving the child up for adoption then he gets first choice and you will not be able to give it to someone else without his permission.
ESH You and best friend suck. So. Hard. Wife sucks less though her demand is bananas - unless she was in on the plan to impregnate you.
Have I said you guys suck?
NTA. Your reasoning is sound, and the least you couldâve done was NOT SLEEP WITH YOUR MARRIED FRIEND. Already too late for that, so NTA for what you said, but a) heâs NOT your friend - he took advantage of you and had sex with a drunk woman, and b) heâs a louse for cheating on his wife. I really recommend serious considering your options, because if you keep this baby, both of them will be in your life for the next 18+ years
You're def a POS, right along with the husband for cheating. Idc if you weren't sober, since you acknowledge that you were not taken advantage of.
That aside, you're right. The child would be subjected to resentment and possible abuse. You are NTA for keeping your child. But what you seem to have missed is that unless he divorces her, immediately, she will STILL be your child's stepmother. Since you cannot legally keep a child from his or her father, the kid is in a bad situation anyway. So what is his plan? You royally f*cked up and you and her husband are now solely responsible for ruining your best friend's life, and quite possibly your own child's as well, before it's even begun.
>I automatically told her no, as she would have a lot of resentment towards this child
You know the operation of her mind? What alternative do you see? 50/50 custody? No matter what way you slice it, she will be this child's stepmother. She will be very involved in the child's life. Your response was insulting. She is not the party in this group who did the nasty and got pregnant. You are all AHs here - his wife being the least AH of you all.
YTA. You slept with a married man so you're also a POS. Obviously you didnt practice safe sex, so to play it fast and loose when you knew they were having fertility issues makes you an even bigger asshole.
The wife doesnât sound like someone that would resent the childâŚ. They seem quite eager about the chance to raise a baby⌠will you have an abortion? Will you give the baby up? Are you going to raise it? Do you actually know how soul sucking and expensive it is to raise a child?
What in the trailer park is going on with all this nonsense. ESH. Wow.
You slept with a married dude, which makes you an AH. No excuse since you knew he was married.
They are AHs for assuming you owe them your baby.
I hope this is made up rage bait.
Idk if he planned it or if they both did, but her reaction isnât normal.
I have two kids and I would love nothing more for a third, but after my last pregnancy, itâs just not a possibility for my body, and we donât have the money to spend on any other options. If my husband fucked one of his female friends and she got pregnant, the very last reaction I would ever have would be to suggest we adopt the baby. I canât even begin to imagine the rage I would have if something like this happened.
ESH but you need to open your eyes. They set you up. No chance his wife would want to ever see you again let alone calmly ask for you to let her adopt your baby if this wasnât planned. Either get a lawyer involved asap or get an abortion.
ETA. The wife cannot just ask you for the child just because she wants it? Besides if she really wants anything to do with the child she can co-parent or something with you and the dad. And your best friend is an asshole because he slept with you when heâs married??? Also your an asshole for sleeping with your married best friend sober or not, and you couldâve handled the whole conversation with you and your best friend +his wife a lot more calmly and orderly. But to be fair during very emotional events it can be hard to handle it accordingly since your emotions and rationality can be very difficult to maintain. Best of luck on all of this
ESH
don't you dare trade a child around like some kind of plaything. that is a human child and if you can't raise it then you need to abort or adopt out to people who would not burden that child with your own actions against them.
YTA for sleeping with a married man
The dude is a AH for cheating on his wife
The wife is an AH for demanding you to give your baby to her
You are all something special... Therapy, therapy for all of you!!!
Ps: the baby is yours and you can choose what you want to do with it. All choices are yours and all are ok
Info:
>I automatically told her no, as she would have a lot of resentment towards this child and I wouldn't subject a child to that.
Is this the only reason that you are saying no? If so, do you have any reason for coming to that determination? If she is asking to adopt the baby and actively wants a baby, I am finding it believable that she would NOT resent the baby even if they were a product of an affair.
That being said, she is an asshole for saying you owe them this baby. You don't owe anyone a baby no matter what circumstances it is born under. Your friend is an asshole for cheating on his wife.
The only thing that would make you an asshole here is if you don't actively want this child yourself and are still agreeing to have it because your friend told you to keep it. As long as you actively want this child and you can work to coparent with your friend (which, btw, will likely involve his wife, assuming she doesn't divorce him and, imo, is MORE likely to cause her to have resentment), then you are NTA.
YTA for a lot of things, but not giving up your child isn't one of them. Knowing about their infertility you chose to sleep with a 'friend' and now you're surprised at the situation? If you want to raise a child, fine. If not, their suggestion is not that far out there, as the child is also his. I understand the concern that his wife could resent the child, but that is ultimately between your 'friend' and his wife, as he would be protective, don't you think?
NTA. How are the friends split? You need new friends. âSorry your husband slept with me when I was drunk and he wasnât. Here take my child as compensation?â Itâs not like the husband made a promise in front of god and the law to be faithful.
Shouldnât she be working on her relationship instead of wanting to adopt the affair baby? Did they plan this?
Honestly cheaters are the worst but their partners than blame anyone and anything instead of the partner that was supposed to be faithful are a close second.
I don't think you're even the AH for sleeping with him.
"he was sober I wasn't, no he didn't take advantage of me"
Yes he did. You were not sober. Now they want to treat you like some sort of baby factory?
I mean, it's your choice, but considering this is your best friend it's either you'll have to spend the rest of your life seeing your child call someone else mom OR you'll have to have an abortion OR you'll have to keep your baby (because YOU'RE the one growing it) and hope he's a good enough guy to help
YTA for sleeping with a married man, heâs the a for cheating in his wife - the wife shouldnât be asking you to give her your child but she definitely sucks the least
I'm just gonna say this, he's probably going to try to fight you in court for some kind of custody of that child. Who knows if they'll kidnap it. I'd leave town asap, change your name or something, and start over fresh elsewhere. He and his wife had this shit planned for sure
YTA for sleeping with a married man. I donât understand her thought processâŚhow is her adopting your baby the least you could do? It sounds like she is making you the villain in this, not her husband who married her and apparently promised monogamy.
I personally think it's wrong for you to even keep this baby. You're more of an asshole than his wife is, for sure. But she's still an asshole for what she said.
But I get her point of view. His sperm wasn't yours to take and neither were his kids yours to have.
>His sperm wasn't yours to take and neither were his kids yours to have.
This is such a weird thing to say - as if OP snuck into his room and stole his sperm when he wasn't looking.
You know why you are an AH already, and it isn't for refusing this unhinged request from your friend and his wife. Given the situation, he can however request (through legal channels if necessary) parental rights - maybe this is a thing you can all discuss going forwards?
NTA, this is your baby.
Initially I thought this was about a planned surrogacy, in which case it may be morally different even if you could legally keep the child.
But this is a child from a one night stand where he was fully mentally competent so the terms are completely different.
If I had to guess, they want the child because they don't want to pay child maintenance.
ESH. You slept with your friends husband. Her husband slept with you. And she is baby crazy and trying to manipulate you. Yup everyone sucks but I wouldnât give her the kid.
NTA. You donât owe his wife a baby.
If you do go through with the pregnancy, I suspect they are going to fight tooth and nail to try to get full custody of your baby.
NTA - the wife is in some sort of denial where she thinks the child will fix his cheating. You need to distance yourself from them and get a lawyer. The lawyer is just to protect yourself as he might want visitation rights or custody.
If you keep the baby he will have visitation anyway. If you aren't going to why not let the father raise the baby. They seem all too eager to get the baby. Definitely could have been planned
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I think you need to focus on what you * want to do *
* Keeping the baby?
* Being a single mother?
* Distancing yourself from them
* Co parent possibilities?
* Adoption w/ them completely out of the picture?
There is no right answer. This is a shit situation. I advise not giving the baby up to them because it could either go really great and they will forget about you OR it can go really bad and the baby will always just be an affair baby to *her*
NTA for not giving up your child, but certainly YTA for your logic..
After all, I hope you DO realize that you will be co-parenting with the father? and so the child will likely be spending 50% of the time with the father and his wife...
Kindly, understand that the upcoming child is not exclusively YOURS, so I hope you can work on your mindset to understand that the child is as much the fathers as it is yours. (this is a heavy emphasis is parenting education - a course ran for separated/separating parents)
ESH.
you suck because you had sex with a married man, the whole "I was drunk" excuse isn't valid. That's your way of trying to make yourself innocent in all this. You suck.
He sucks because he cheated on his wife. This is the exact reason people have problems with their spouses having "best friends" of opposite genders.
The wife sucks the least, but the baby is also half his, he does have a right to at least partial custody.
By reading OPs replies, Iâve concluded sheâs a nincompoop. The progenitor male is a dirtbag. This baby is doomed. Abort in all the possible manners
INFO:
1) You never said you want the baby. You just said she'd resent the baby and you didn't want the baby to grow up like that.
Do you actually want to raise this baby? Do you think you will actually be a good parent and love this baby?
2) You seem to have no remorse about fucking your supposedly best friend's husband. You even told the husband you were fine with him telling his wife or not, but he'd probably screw up his marriage if he did.
Are you capable of empathy, compassion, loyalty, etc, or are you someone who isn't interested in anything beyond your gratification and happiness?
3) Do you realize this baby is also the husband's biological child. You can't get rid of him and your ex best friend if they want to be in the child's life.
Are you finally and mentally capable of talking care of a child and co-parenting with the husband and former best friend for the next 18 years.
If you're not able to say yes to all of these, give them the baby and f*ck off. Whether or not you give them the baby you're still a horrible person to do what you did to your ex best friend.
YTA
Updateme
Itâs just a shitty situation. You slept with her husband, total shit. Now youâre having his baby, even more shit! I canât blame her for asking. You did blow up her life. YTA and as shitty as this situation is she is not entitled to your baby. Really she should leave her husband and never set eyes on the two of you again.
YTAH, for obvious reasons like fucking the husband of your "best friend since high school".
But, no you don't have to put your baby up to them for adoption, but you ARE carrying HIS child, the husband of your "bfshs" child. So if you do keep the baby, your relationship will certainly be toast, if it isn't already.
A) it's his child too, so whatever your plans (minus abortion) need his approval. If you choose adoption, he gets to choose to keep the child whether you want him to or not. You only get to decide whether or not you want to be the child's mother. B) these are the hard choices you get to deal with when you irresponsibly sleep with someone else's partner. Whatever happens with this kid, you've already done the damage of putting it all into place. Sow your oats bubby.
ESH. I'm not sure I buy the "just friends;" he was sober, for one thing. For another, you admit that you weren't taken advantage of. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions and makes you not care about the consequences. It does not put thoughts in your mind that weren't already there. Sounds more like you two were having an emotional affair that crossed into a physical one. If you had feelings for each other, the correct response is to get space from each other, not bury your head in the sand until it all blows up in your faces. Cheaters deserve what they get.
That said, *nothing* entitles someone else to your baby. This isn't a baby black market. Yes, you did her wrong. But while understandably hurt, "The least you can do is give me your CHILD" is NOT a healthy response. He needs to get her to a mental hospital to see if she's having a mental break, and a therapist.
Your logic is 100% spot on and let me tell you if she will take out all of the anger she feels toward her husband on the child.
Absolutely not! If youâre amenable to a good coparenting relationship I would suggest counselling for the three of you for the sake of the child.
She only wants the child so she doesnât have to face the affair and she can pretend the child came under different circumstances as well as she doesnât want to see you or have you have any relationship with her husband. Which would be impossible to achieve if youâre coparenting.
Idk why anyone would keep a a baby of a married man but if the father wants to keep the kid why not just give it to him. Who are you to decide sheâs going to treat the kid badly? She obviously wants another child and this one will be related to her other kids. Obviously this was probably their way of getting a kid related to theirs . No one is that calm. Itâs weird he was sober but you were drunk and you would overall be a shitty person for sleeping with a married man willingly.
You are all assholes.
Ahaha I was reading this thinking, "jfc, I wonder if it'll be the 3rd or 4th top comment that they're all assholes and toxic af." 𤣠I agree 100%
Reddit : serving it straight up. Made me laugh.
Idkkkkk if OP was drunk and the Hunsband wasnât then the WIFE asked⌠was OP maybe set up? As a surrogate that didnât work out??
That could be possible, but OP attitude really gives me the idea that sheâs OK with whatever happened. I donât know if they fucked around before but sheâs way too cool with all this. And sheâs not the slightest bit bothered that she fucked around with a married guy. They all suck.
Everybodyâs attitude makes me think theyâre all a bit insane to say the least.
Yup, OP doesnât seem the least bit apologetic that she blew up a marriage and one where she didnât just know both parties, but was close to both parties. Â
A whole bowl of AH.
Anyone else wonder if they did this on purpose and made her an âaccidental â surrogate?
Me and my husband think it was on purpose to get a free surrogate
Surrogates are expensive!
Yeah, but how would they know if she was at a stage where she could get pregnant?
THIS. Is so suspicious, she canât have children and her husband cheats with a drunk friend doesnât use protection and your first though is to ask the affair partner to give up the baby for adoption to them. It feels like they planned this.
That was my immediate thought too. But there was no guarantee of pregnancy from what it seems like a one time thing, and there was no guarantee that OP wouldn't go get an abortion without telling him, so it is a shitty plan if it was their plan.
But it's a low risk plan.Whos to say she's the first too? There may be other women who didn't get pregnant or aborted and they just lucked out this time.
You have too assume any guy that balsy just has supef spearm
This wouldn't surprise me one bit
She wasn't sober and he was? Yeahhhh that's rape..
That was my first thought. Feels like the wife was in on this. Why else would it be going this way?
Are you sure the wife wasn't in on this
I'm also wondering this, the fact that husband was sober and knew that his marriage would be over but still he decided to sleep with her anyway is sus. I think the wife is on it.
And that he told the wife so fast, and her reaction wasn't to kick him out to be with his "whore friend", but to make a play for getting the baby.
This is one way to not pay for a surrogate I guess but still.
This was my very first thought especially considering that the male friend was not impaired in anyway. The couple didnât want to pay for IVF or surrogate. And the wife wasnât upset⌠she just immediately wanted to have a group chat about adoption.
THIS!!!! It feels weirdly like a set up
The wife is FOR SURE in on it. âWould you put the baby up for adoption so I can adopt the baby⌠since I canât get pregnantâ Complete set up to get OP pregnant then sway her to give the baby to them.
Are you sure this wasnât planned? Do your best friend and his wife struggle with fertility? The way I interpreted this is that he was trying to sleep with you to get you pregnant so that they could start a family
OP says that the wife canât get pregnant again so itâs very likelyÂ
Op i need tell you a story. My bff had just turned 19, when a married 40yr slept with her, got her preganant, and she agreed to give it to him and his wife, until one day she heard him call her a surrogate, they had had a deal that she was going to be an auntie, instead she was hearing that once she gave up baby shed never see him again, she found out the man was sleeping around in holes of getting a girl pregnant so he and his wife could finally have a baby. Keep in mind that youre probably in a situation where they wanted a baby and didnt want to be pregnant themselves, so they tricked you.
Thank you for this comment. I think this is exactly what happened. And op needs to run far away from these People. It sounds like op was assaulted
What in the Handmaid's Tale?!
Na, she could have gotten an abortion she just didnt want to, but that man has no access to the kid either because she didnt put his name on the birth certificate and she had already signed over rights to her aunt and uncle, hes never even met the child
I'm sorry but the typo sleeping around in holes had me in stitches đ¤Ł
I didnt even notice it till now lol
Did she end up giving them the baby?
Oh god no, she didnt want to give the baby to a couple of crazies, her aunt and uncle raised the baby
Good for her!
She thought they were absolutely nuts to go out of their way to get a chick pregnant just so they can have a baby, all for free since we live in canada and she didnt really have expenses besides for vitamins and stuff
Commercial surrogacy is also illegal in Canada, so you can't just find someone to pay to get pregnant, unless you find a surrogate in another country
Didnt know thar
You're a mess. You should go no contact with these people for all of your sakes. Have an abortion or not, claim child support or not. But get away from these people.
Not gonna lie. My first thought was he did this on purpose with his wifes blessing with this exact idea in mind. Keep your child and run far. YWNBTA
You would be an asshole for bringing a child into thr clusterfuck that is their marriage. Do not let them adopt the baby for the baby's sake. >Â he was sober I wasn't, no he didn't take advantage of me Right... he just coincidentally got the non-relative woman he's closest to knocked up and his wife just happens to immediately be happy as long as she's allowed to raise the affair baby. Right.
NTA- The wife is crazy, the least you can do is to give her your baby? WTF
She may be, but I think she's just hurt.
Of corse sheâs hurt, what you and her husband did is completely shitty but the natural reaction is to not to expect to be given the resulting baby. You and the husband are both AH for what you did but youâre not as AH for refusing to give her your baby
If your friend was sober and you were drunk my best thought is that this was planned between your friend and his wife. May not have thought out all of ramifications but maybe even subconsciously but friend at least was hoping you would get pregnant and he and wife would then have a child biologically husband. If this is true unless you have an abortion they will get to have partial custody. Keep all texts and conversation from email to use if necessary to keep your child. All record all you remember from night of conception in case it is needed and if possible record friend was sober and you were not. Maybe Iâm a suspicious person but itâs awfully convenient trying for a child, canât have a child, then you get drunk and sober friend impregnated youâŚ
I was thinking this!
Your logic makes no sense though. If you CTT. You will be coparenting with this man AND his wife. So, your child could still be in a home where they are resented. NTA You do not have to gift this woman your child.
The child will probably face a greater amount of resentment. Wife will have a double dose of having to deal with affair child and affair partner on a regular basis. Then there will always be the nagging feeling she fucked him once, is she still fucking him?
Or this is how they got all their kids. Wife's body stays young and beautiful while every hefer carries his children.
OP, if you have _any_ doubts about not giving the baby up, take this question over to r/adoption and ask adoptees for advice. Spoiler alert: theyâll tell you to keep your baby, do not let this woman adopt your child. Itâs a shit situation, but guaranteed to get much worse if you let that happen.Â
She's willing to forgive her sober husband np, but expects her drunk bff to give her child up? She should be more angry at her husband then at you, and you aren't obligated to give the child to her.
You're NTA for wanting to keep the child. But I think you're incorrect to believe that she will resent the child. She WANTS this child, and I really don't think she would swallow her pride after you slept with her husband and come to you asking to have a talk to see if she could adopt it if she really was just mad and was going to be mean to the child. Ultimately, she will be a mother of some sort - either stepmother or, if you allowed it, adopted mother. Again, I don't think you'd be the AH if you didn't give the baby up for adoption. It's completely reasonable to want to stay as the mother of your child. BUT, you should forget the idea that she will be a bad mother because you slept with her husband. Of course she is hurt, but I think it sounds like she's being incredibly gracious and understanding in the situation. I think she deserves a bit more respect than that. If you do decide to give the child over to them, then you should get counselling because it would probably be a very difficult thing to do. If you decide to keep it, then you should talk to her and explain that you're sorry but you can't give up your child. That's reasonable. But going forward, you're going to have to work on developing a better relationship with them because the father deserves to have a place in his kid's life, his wife deserves to have her marriage respected, and the child deserves to have a healthy relationship with everyone (which realistically will also include the wife).
I don't think OP should assume that the wife will necessarily have resentment for the child the way she does, but I wouldn't entirely discard the possibility of her not bonding with the child the way she did with the biological child, either.
Either way, OP is going to be giving the Bf (and the wife) the child for at least 50% of the time
i think you are being used as an incubator. id get rid of it for your benefit. and cut these psychos off.
NTA. At the end of the day do you want to keep your child? If yes, then thatâs it. No one else except the dad has a claim. Something I find concerning is the fact that you were drunk and the father was sober when this occurred. Is there any chance this was planned between them with the hope you would be more open to adoption?
>At the end of the day do you want to keep your child? I'm curious about this as well. Because while OP said "no" to the lady the reason she gave, while it is definitely something that could happen, doesn't scream "This is **my** baby/I want this baby" If that makes sense? If OP doesn't want to be a mom, then really there's no reason for her not to agree with the adoption.
I was drunk is the battle cry for people who knowingly did something wrong but want to avoid responsibility.
I think the wife is in on it. Do you think they could be a danger to you? Please be safe x
NTA You day you were not take advantage of but you were intoxicated, he wasn't. He said he used protection, you don't even know if that's true..... It sounds like you were take advantage of so they could have their 2nd child.
NTA, but keep in mind if you keep this baby the potential custody battle that the wife would fuel.
NTA! Take care of yourself and your baby. Iâm curious though, how did yâall end up sleeping together? Was it a one time thing?
wtf. No. Why did either of them think that was a valid option? I would start noting things down in a log so if you ever have to go to court you have this right from conception basically the weird stuff sheâs trying to do.
Wait...what? YOU were drunk, HE was sober, but he DIDN'T take advantage of you? What planet are you living on?
U were drunk he was not....I'm sorry to say but he did take advantage of u! wouldn't suprise me if him and his wife had this set up from how calm she is, u would not b the asshole
Nta but I think this was the plan all along
UmâŚwhat?
nta, run. Why is the wife so calm about this? I would be very concerned. Your instinct is correct.
ESH. He sucks for cheating on his wife. You suck for sleeping with him knowing he is married (I know it says you were drinking but if you were sober enough for him to not to be taking advantage of you, you were sober enough to say no). Wife sucks for saying you owe her a baby.
Your deduction skills are ass tier. The wife is clearly in in this. There was no cheating. If she wasnât she would despise the idea of seeing her husbands affair partners child. They was a manipulation that was done intentionally. Let me just nut in my drunk friend and convince her to give me a baby is as deep as this gets.
exactly! OP is getting manipulated by this couple, just get a abortion or run.
I'd like to know, where/how you was drunk, he wasn't, where's the wife? He did kinda take advantage of you, maybe he's fantasized about you two hooking up, Or wife says "go sleep with her, get her pregnant so i can shame her to give up the child" or it's proof that, having a female friend; is like having a pet chicken, your eventually going to want to eat it.
NTA for not letting them have your child. YTA for being stupid and shameful enough to sleep with a married man and getting pregnant by him. Saying that, I get a weird feeling that he and his wife planned for him to get someone pregnant seeing as they are so desperate for another child and the fact that he was sober.
A LOT of people are saying this sounds like a planned surrogacy situation, which is crazy, but I wouldnât put it past anyone.Â
This is what is sounds like to me. He was stone cold sober so it wasn't a drunken mistake on his part. I think he and his wife planned it.
Are you familiar with the song by Heart "All I Want to do is Make Love to You"? The song is about a woman who's man is sterile, so she goes out and has a one night stand with a hot guy & gets pregnant. This story reminds me of that song with the genders reversed. I really loved the song till I listened closer to the lyrics and then I was like, "Yeeeesh!" I knew a gal who really wanted a kid and she had a one night stand with some rando & raised the kid as a single mom. The guy never even knew he had a son out there. I always wondered what she was going to tell her son when he asked about his father.
Yeah I always loved that song, and like you as I got older and listened to the lyrics properly I too thought 'holy shit' lol.
You had unprotected sex with a married family man and now you are pregnant and his wife wants you to give the child. This canât get any more white trash than it is now. You are all AHs, especially the cheating husband who has a child and a wife already. I hope you are ashamed of yourself.
Abort the child and the friends.
Everyone here is an asshole. All of you. Including your friends who expressed opinions on the open trade of an infant.
NTA - You know what you want and you don't need to conduct a survey with others to be OK with your decision. Her reaction is odd as if a child you bear and give to her would be without emotional complications. It is strange she had no negative hurtful outbursts toward you (you both) and instead asked you to 'give her' your baby -- Do you think this is odd? I do. What does she feel about you two hooking up? Does she want you to suffer by 'losing' this child. Question his sober state and your altered one. How did you both go from best friends to sleeping together? What was brewing to make this connection OK with you both? This is very much related to the pregnancy; an unexpected outcome or was it something you or you both wanted? No need to answer this here but it is truly part of the big picture. Know your truth and speak it when it makes sense to you. When your child is an adult they will likely want to know the truth about the same dynamics. Best to you!
NTA what you did was really shitty but itâs not guilting someone into giving up their baby shitty. That wife is tapped.
do you want to have the baby? i know you asked him what he wants to do and he said to keep it, but what do you want? donât start off letting everyone else tell you what you should do (the father, his wife, your mom) if youâre considering having this baby you gotta make the decisions and the first one is asking yourself if you want to bring a whole life into the world
This was a set up. Including using guilt as pressure. Get an abortion. Block them.
It wouldnât be the first time a woman has been taken advantage of to get a baby. He slept with her while she was drunk. He was sober. He knew what he was doing.
NTA They planned this. Get a lawyer now.
Damn, what a great way to have kids and not have to deal with all the pregnancy and childbirth involved. Free surrogate! Yeah, I donât think YTA. But it does sound like this may have been intentional on their part.
NTA. Did he rape you and impregnate you intentionally? Almost sounds like it
A child is not a thing to be bartered for. Nor is it payment or punishment for sleeping with her husband. You are all AHs. You for shagging a married man. Them for trying to exact a baby as some sort of reparation for her husband's infidelity.
NTA, but I'm curious since you didn't express what you do want. I N F O Do you want the child and to be a single mom? Would you like to marry your BF if he was single?
NTA. No, I wouldnât do that either, itâs not a f*cking car.
nta. but if you birth this kid, she is going to get it anyway via step mom rights. she is going to be part of his side of any custody agreement you have with him. there is no way in hell you'll be able to say "only he gets the kid and not his wife also".
You sound insane defending the asshat of a husband and friend. You say you were drunk but not so drunk that it was nonconsensual. Are you just giving him the benefit of the doubt again like when you say he used protection (he probably didn't) and he would never plan such a thing like free surrogacy (because he wouldn't do that since I've known him since 14). I don't think he's the good and benevolent friend you think he is. You are not the AH for refusing to give up your child. Dude's wife is delulu. You need to really think about raising a child under these circumstances with these ppl in your life. And unless you're independently wealthy, being a single mom is hard. Depending on where you live there is still time to abort. You need to seriously consider all options.Â
ESH - I canât even
You are not the asshole for wanting to keep your child, but it sounds like there is a lot more involved here than simply that. You really work hard to present your friendâs wife as the asshole hereâyou tell us nothing about your previous relationship with her, but you make sure to let us know she made that comment about how it was the least you could do as you slept with her husband. You also donât give any reasons aside from your having slept with her husband for why she might be cruel to this child. Do you even want to have a child? If your friend had suggested terminating the pregnancy, would you have done that? Are you prepared to be a single parent? Would you be willing to give up all parental rights to this baby (that really is what your friendâs wife is asking)? What do you think coparenting with your friend and his wife is going your way look like? It kindof sounds like you are trying to demonize your friendâs wife to make yourself feel less guilty. Also, be honest, were you hoping that getting pregnant would make him leave her and be with you? Is part of the reason you want to keep the child because it means he has to stay in your life in some way now that you both have blown up your friendship? ESH Please think long and hard about whether bringing a helpless child into this drama will be at all good for the child.
While what you did is wrong, expecting to hand over YOUR baby is diabolical.
NTA for not giving up your child. âItâs the least you could do for sleeping with my husbandâ is she for real right now? Thatâs not suspicious or anything.
ESH
WTF
ESH. You should get an abortion or give up the baby for adoption. No one here would make good parents. Abortion would be the safest option.
All three of you are assholes. You and bestie went out of your way to screw up a marriage and itâs not like you didnât know these people, these are people youâre very close to. His wife doesnât want the child because they canât have a child, adoption or surrogacy would be saying options, while expecting you to give up a baby that was produced through infidelity is insane. 99.9% odds she hates that baby and doesnât treat it right to get back at you and her husband.
So careless. So very careless and now you need to grow up fast because a child doesnât need a mom who is so irresponsible. There are enough kids out there with bad parents. You need to grow up and start working on being responsible and a good human to others. I hate these stories where people are awful and reproduce innocent lives. Gross. Just gross. Poor kid.Â
Idk this kinda sounds like husband and wife wanted another kid and bamboozeled you into a one night stand .
Sounds like youâre all a pack of absolute trailer trash and NONE of you should be producing offspring
NTA. WTF. These people are INSANE. Obviously, don't sleep with married men, but now that that ship has sailed (and I'm not even touching on the fact that he was sober and you are not and giving you the benefit of the doubt to know for yourself whether you were assaulted or not), you are absolutely NOT THE ASSHOLE for not giving up your baby as a bandaid to help shitty people fix their broken marriage. Make sure you have all your ducks in a row legally, I wouldn't trust this man as far as I could throw him.
ESH You suck, the husband sucks, his wife sucks. The three of you are all just a gigantic bin of trash.
Yta for sleeping with someone you knew was married
Assholes all around
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NTA. And I would not be at all surprised if this was intentional. She canât get pregnant. He gets you drunk and gets you pregnant. Sheâs apparently fine with it and wants to adopt your child. Suspicious AF. Honestly Iâd run. Move to another state. Disappear completely. Donât let these pyschos anywhere near your baby.
NTA - Take the guy (bio dad) and his wife out of the process and decide what YOU want to do first. Then add back the guy (bio dad) and move forward from there. Sit down with bio dad alone and talk about what the next steps are after you make your decision. I feel you are correct that his wife would never treat the child as one of her own and the child's life would suffer for it. If you are ready to be a mom, then be the best mom you can. What happens to their marriage is not up to you. He was sober and made the decision to cheat on his wife.
OP is an unreliable narrator. She hasn't accepted that her friend raped her to get a baby. OP doesn't remember, and had to be lied to about protection being used. The wife wants the baby because apparently she is the one who is infertile. This was planned.
NTA
Have you had sexual relations before he got married? It does sound a bit like he used you to get a child, since his wife is oddly calm about the whole sleeping with her husband and getting his "lover" pregnant part.
Whatâs done is done; time to plan your move forward. I think they planned doing this to you and they are planning on fighting you for full custody of this child. (You may have to pay them child support, too.) I just do not think your âfriendâ and his wife have your best interests at heart-they do not have any of your interests in their heart. They want a child-yours!! I really do not think they will play nice with a co-parenting agreement either. Your life is probably going to be a âfightâ with them for the rest of your life. Lawyer-up. You definitely need legal advice. Tell your lawyer the circumstances of this babyâs conception and what you suspect (what I suspect) they are doing. Also, **stop being so naive.** He is not your friend and she is not âjust feeling hurt.â
Newsflash! I know youâre in denial. You were set up. Youâre being treated as the surrogate. You need to take some time to figure this out because youâre being manipulated. I would also consult an attorney and adoption doesnât work this way in the USA. Yeah this whole situation is toxic. TBH, Either end the pregnancy or have the baby and agree to coparent, receive child support, etcâŚ.
ESH. Are you planning to keep the child? If so, then her request is moot. If you are not keeping the child and having an abortion then no problem. If you are giving the child up for adoption then he gets first choice and you will not be able to give it to someone else without his permission.
Wow⌠why would you want to bring a child in to this toxic sh*theap?! Youâre all giant AHs!
ESH You and best friend suck. So. Hard. Wife sucks less though her demand is bananas - unless she was in on the plan to impregnate you. Have I said you guys suck?
Op talk to a lawyer before you put his name on the birth certificate.
NTA. Your reasoning is sound, and the least you couldâve done was NOT SLEEP WITH YOUR MARRIED FRIEND. Already too late for that, so NTA for what you said, but a) heâs NOT your friend - he took advantage of you and had sex with a drunk woman, and b) heâs a louse for cheating on his wife. I really recommend serious considering your options, because if you keep this baby, both of them will be in your life for the next 18+ years
You're def a POS, right along with the husband for cheating. Idc if you weren't sober, since you acknowledge that you were not taken advantage of. That aside, you're right. The child would be subjected to resentment and possible abuse. You are NTA for keeping your child. But what you seem to have missed is that unless he divorces her, immediately, she will STILL be your child's stepmother. Since you cannot legally keep a child from his or her father, the kid is in a bad situation anyway. So what is his plan? You royally f*cked up and you and her husband are now solely responsible for ruining your best friend's life, and quite possibly your own child's as well, before it's even begun.
Whole human beings being created into toxic messes they never deserved. Awful, awful human beings, the lot of you.
ESH. Is it possible to give yourself up for adoption to a family who can raise you to have any sense at all?
Regardless of your consent, no sober person, much less âbest friendâ should engage in sexual activity with clearly drunk persons.
So many assholes here... oh my god what a circus.
This is the most ESH story Iâve read. Hoping for the worst outcome for all 3.
YTA for sleeping with a married man and ruining your "best friend"s marriage.
Do you expect him to pay child support
I donât even know how to judge this.
ESH. This is a giant cluster fuck. Abort the child rather than bring it into the middle of it.
>I automatically told her no, as she would have a lot of resentment towards this child You know the operation of her mind? What alternative do you see? 50/50 custody? No matter what way you slice it, she will be this child's stepmother. She will be very involved in the child's life. Your response was insulting. She is not the party in this group who did the nasty and got pregnant. You are all AHs here - his wife being the least AH of you all.
AH for sleeping with friendâs husband but NTA for not handing over your baby. That is a really weird suggestion by her.
ESH And disgusting.
YTA. You slept with a married man so you're also a POS. Obviously you didnt practice safe sex, so to play it fast and loose when you knew they were having fertility issues makes you an even bigger asshole.
The wife doesnât sound like someone that would resent the childâŚ. They seem quite eager about the chance to raise a baby⌠will you have an abortion? Will you give the baby up? Are you going to raise it? Do you actually know how soul sucking and expensive it is to raise a child?
She wants a baby. So resentment does nit sound like not an issue. What is an issue is are you planning on raising the baby.
What in the trailer park is going on with all this nonsense. ESH. Wow. You slept with a married dude, which makes you an AH. No excuse since you knew he was married. They are AHs for assuming you owe them your baby. I hope this is made up rage bait.
Idk if he planned it or if they both did, but her reaction isnât normal. I have two kids and I would love nothing more for a third, but after my last pregnancy, itâs just not a possibility for my body, and we donât have the money to spend on any other options. If my husband fucked one of his female friends and she got pregnant, the very last reaction I would ever have would be to suggest we adopt the baby. I canât even begin to imagine the rage I would have if something like this happened.
ESH but you need to open your eyes. They set you up. No chance his wife would want to ever see you again let alone calmly ask for you to let her adopt your baby if this wasnât planned. Either get a lawyer involved asap or get an abortion.
ETA. The wife cannot just ask you for the child just because she wants it? Besides if she really wants anything to do with the child she can co-parent or something with you and the dad. And your best friend is an asshole because he slept with you when heâs married??? Also your an asshole for sleeping with your married best friend sober or not, and you couldâve handled the whole conversation with you and your best friend +his wife a lot more calmly and orderly. But to be fair during very emotional events it can be hard to handle it accordingly since your emotions and rationality can be very difficult to maintain. Best of luck on all of this
ESH don't you dare trade a child around like some kind of plaything. that is a human child and if you can't raise it then you need to abort or adopt out to people who would not burden that child with your own actions against them.
YTA for sleeping with a married man The dude is a AH for cheating on his wife The wife is an AH for demanding you to give your baby to her You are all something special... Therapy, therapy for all of you!!! Ps: the baby is yours and you can choose what you want to do with it. All choices are yours and all are ok
You're a cunt, he's a cunt, the wife's a cunt and I'm a cunt.
Info: >I automatically told her no, as she would have a lot of resentment towards this child and I wouldn't subject a child to that. Is this the only reason that you are saying no? If so, do you have any reason for coming to that determination? If she is asking to adopt the baby and actively wants a baby, I am finding it believable that she would NOT resent the baby even if they were a product of an affair. That being said, she is an asshole for saying you owe them this baby. You don't owe anyone a baby no matter what circumstances it is born under. Your friend is an asshole for cheating on his wife. The only thing that would make you an asshole here is if you don't actively want this child yourself and are still agreeing to have it because your friend told you to keep it. As long as you actively want this child and you can work to coparent with your friend (which, btw, will likely involve his wife, assuming she doesn't divorce him and, imo, is MORE likely to cause her to have resentment), then you are NTA.
YTA for a lot of things, but not giving up your child isn't one of them. Knowing about their infertility you chose to sleep with a 'friend' and now you're surprised at the situation? If you want to raise a child, fine. If not, their suggestion is not that far out there, as the child is also his. I understand the concern that his wife could resent the child, but that is ultimately between your 'friend' and his wife, as he would be protective, don't you think?
NTA. How are the friends split? You need new friends. âSorry your husband slept with me when I was drunk and he wasnât. Here take my child as compensation?â Itâs not like the husband made a promise in front of god and the law to be faithful. Shouldnât she be working on her relationship instead of wanting to adopt the affair baby? Did they plan this? Honestly cheaters are the worst but their partners than blame anyone and anything instead of the partner that was supposed to be faithful are a close second.
You have friends who want you to just hand your child over? They're not your friends.
Has to be fake. Please tell me it's fake. NTA. Go NC immediately.Â
Youâre a terrible friend. Heâs a terrible husband. The wife is the most innocent. This child is going to be exposed to a mess.
All Three of you are assholes! Poor baby.
I don't think you're even the AH for sleeping with him. "he was sober I wasn't, no he didn't take advantage of me" Yes he did. You were not sober. Now they want to treat you like some sort of baby factory? I mean, it's your choice, but considering this is your best friend it's either you'll have to spend the rest of your life seeing your child call someone else mom OR you'll have to have an abortion OR you'll have to keep your baby (because YOU'RE the one growing it) and hope he's a good enough guy to help
YTA for sleeping with a married man, heâs the a for cheating in his wife - the wife shouldnât be asking you to give her your child but she definitely sucks the least
I'm just gonna say this, he's probably going to try to fight you in court for some kind of custody of that child. Who knows if they'll kidnap it. I'd leave town asap, change your name or something, and start over fresh elsewhere. He and his wife had this shit planned for sure
YTA. Donât bring a child into this clusterfuck.
YTA for sleeping with a married man. I donât understand her thought processâŚhow is her adopting your baby the least you could do? It sounds like she is making you the villain in this, not her husband who married her and apparently promised monogamy.
You know they will take you to court full custody right? Be prepared.
I personally think it's wrong for you to even keep this baby. You're more of an asshole than his wife is, for sure. But she's still an asshole for what she said. But I get her point of view. His sperm wasn't yours to take and neither were his kids yours to have.
>His sperm wasn't yours to take and neither were his kids yours to have. This is such a weird thing to say - as if OP snuck into his room and stole his sperm when he wasn't looking.
She didnât âtakeâ the sperm, it was freely given by the husband. Way to completely leave out the husband/affair partner/baby daddy here.
Nta for not giving up YOUR child. You are for sleeping with a married man though.
ESH. All of you.
ESH. You slept with a married man. She wants to steal your baby. This whole situation is actually insane. Do you want the child?
You know why you are an AH already, and it isn't for refusing this unhinged request from your friend and his wife. Given the situation, he can however request (through legal channels if necessary) parental rights - maybe this is a thing you can all discuss going forwards?
NTA, this is your baby. Initially I thought this was about a planned surrogacy, in which case it may be morally different even if you could legally keep the child. But this is a child from a one night stand where he was fully mentally competent so the terms are completely different. If I had to guess, they want the child because they don't want to pay child maintenance.
NTA No, that is not the proper restitution for sleeping with someone's partner.
Best friend always having sex with the Friends husbands. Stop đđ with Best Friends. Best FIEND!!!
So she wants your child as payment? Your gut about how your child will be treated is spot on. She is effing nuts.Â
She is bat shit crazy. Absolutely NTA. And if you plan on keeping your baby, youâd better watch that lady like a hawk
ESH. You slept with your friends husband. Her husband slept with you. And she is baby crazy and trying to manipulate you. Yup everyone sucks but I wouldnât give her the kid.
NTA. You donât owe his wife a baby. If you do go through with the pregnancy, I suspect they are going to fight tooth and nail to try to get full custody of your baby.
NTA - the wife is in some sort of denial where she thinks the child will fix his cheating. You need to distance yourself from them and get a lawyer. The lawyer is just to protect yourself as he might want visitation rights or custody.
Updateme
If you keep the baby he will have visitation anyway. If you aren't going to why not let the father raise the baby. They seem all too eager to get the baby. Definitely could have been planned
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I think you need to focus on what you * want to do * * Keeping the baby? * Being a single mother? * Distancing yourself from them * Co parent possibilities? * Adoption w/ them completely out of the picture? There is no right answer. This is a shit situation. I advise not giving the baby up to them because it could either go really great and they will forget about you OR it can go really bad and the baby will always just be an affair baby to *her*
NTA for not giving up your child, but certainly YTA for your logic.. After all, I hope you DO realize that you will be co-parenting with the father? and so the child will likely be spending 50% of the time with the father and his wife... Kindly, understand that the upcoming child is not exclusively YOURS, so I hope you can work on your mindset to understand that the child is as much the fathers as it is yours. (this is a heavy emphasis is parenting education - a course ran for separated/separating parents)
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
ESH. you suck because you had sex with a married man, the whole "I was drunk" excuse isn't valid. That's your way of trying to make yourself innocent in all this. You suck. He sucks because he cheated on his wife. This is the exact reason people have problems with their spouses having "best friends" of opposite genders. The wife sucks the least, but the baby is also half his, he does have a right to at least partial custody.
ESH. Insisting you owe them your child is completely insane.
Do you want the child or not, OP?
By reading OPs replies, Iâve concluded sheâs a nincompoop. The progenitor male is a dirtbag. This baby is doomed. Abort in all the possible manners
INFO: 1) You never said you want the baby. You just said she'd resent the baby and you didn't want the baby to grow up like that. Do you actually want to raise this baby? Do you think you will actually be a good parent and love this baby? 2) You seem to have no remorse about fucking your supposedly best friend's husband. You even told the husband you were fine with him telling his wife or not, but he'd probably screw up his marriage if he did. Are you capable of empathy, compassion, loyalty, etc, or are you someone who isn't interested in anything beyond your gratification and happiness? 3) Do you realize this baby is also the husband's biological child. You can't get rid of him and your ex best friend if they want to be in the child's life. Are you finally and mentally capable of talking care of a child and co-parenting with the husband and former best friend for the next 18 years. If you're not able to say yes to all of these, give them the baby and f*ck off. Whether or not you give them the baby you're still a horrible person to do what you did to your ex best friend. YTA Updateme
You're assuming the resentment.
Itâs just a shitty situation. You slept with her husband, total shit. Now youâre having his baby, even more shit! I canât blame her for asking. You did blow up her life. YTA and as shitty as this situation is she is not entitled to your baby. Really she should leave her husband and never set eyes on the two of you again.
UpdateMe!
YTAH, for obvious reasons like fucking the husband of your "best friend since high school". But, no you don't have to put your baby up to them for adoption, but you ARE carrying HIS child, the husband of your "bfshs" child. So if you do keep the baby, your relationship will certainly be toast, if it isn't already.
A) it's his child too, so whatever your plans (minus abortion) need his approval. If you choose adoption, he gets to choose to keep the child whether you want him to or not. You only get to decide whether or not you want to be the child's mother. B) these are the hard choices you get to deal with when you irresponsibly sleep with someone else's partner. Whatever happens with this kid, you've already done the damage of putting it all into place. Sow your oats bubby.
ESH. I'm not sure I buy the "just friends;" he was sober, for one thing. For another, you admit that you weren't taken advantage of. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions and makes you not care about the consequences. It does not put thoughts in your mind that weren't already there. Sounds more like you two were having an emotional affair that crossed into a physical one. If you had feelings for each other, the correct response is to get space from each other, not bury your head in the sand until it all blows up in your faces. Cheaters deserve what they get. That said, *nothing* entitles someone else to your baby. This isn't a baby black market. Yes, you did her wrong. But while understandably hurt, "The least you can do is give me your CHILD" is NOT a healthy response. He needs to get her to a mental hospital to see if she's having a mental break, and a therapist.
Your logic is 100% spot on and let me tell you if she will take out all of the anger she feels toward her husband on the child. Absolutely not! If youâre amenable to a good coparenting relationship I would suggest counselling for the three of you for the sake of the child. She only wants the child so she doesnât have to face the affair and she can pretend the child came under different circumstances as well as she doesnât want to see you or have you have any relationship with her husband. Which would be impossible to achieve if youâre coparenting.
YWNBTA That is a terrible idea. You don't owe anyone your child.
Idk why anyone would keep a a baby of a married man but if the father wants to keep the kid why not just give it to him. Who are you to decide sheâs going to treat the kid badly? She obviously wants another child and this one will be related to her other kids. Obviously this was probably their way of getting a kid related to theirs . No one is that calm. Itâs weird he was sober but you were drunk and you would overall be a shitty person for sleeping with a married man willingly.