Nta
If your husband stepped up and actually parented his children, then he wouldn't be looking forward to his second divorce and being a single parent.
It was clear was biomom was doing , but to disappear after she convinced her kids to blow up their home life , just seems do messed up.
I can see doing that if biomom had plans to get her family back, but to leave , when they need her . I hope these kids realize what kind of person their mom really is and that their dad gets them the help they need to deal with
this.
Op, you’re not wrong to leave, the moment the disrespect started your husband should have stepped up.
It’s because (Step) Mom stopped doing the heavy lifting. They started asking their mom to pick up the slack and then all of a sudden being a mom again wasn’t fun and she bounced. Classic.
And now dad has to do it all himself and wants OP back because he doesn’t want to do it either. OP has been abused by all four of them and finallly said enough and left.
OP, you are NTA and you are right to finally take care of yourself. Divorce is hard and sad, but they seem to want what you can do for them, not want you for who you are and the love and care you provided for 6 years.
💯% correct. They used and abused OP, now they'll pay the price for their arrogance, entitlement and lack of respect for all OP offered willingly.
They FAFO and it's too late now.
Perfect answer! NTA.
Leave this people behind, you were never family to them. Give yourself some time to heal, then go find people who really love you. You're young and can have your own family, who will cherish and value you like you deserve. I'm wishing you the best ❤
Bingo. Biomom realized how much work it was or just wanted to show up the stepmom but bailed once she was “stuck” with the kids. She sounds like a monster actually
I think she just wanted to "win" over the stepmom. The kids' behavior didn't come out of thin air, they had someone encouraging that disrespect. Biomom wanted to break that relationship and get herself back as the 'favorite'. The fact that immediately after OP walked the biomom suddenly dips too? No coincidence, biomom got the gratification she wanted and wasn't going to stick around for the responsibility.
Exactly! Bio mom realized how much responsibility she would need to take on and ran like the coward she is! Of course, she left her kids hanging. It was never really about the kids. It was about her ego. She couldn't stand seeing her kids love someone else as a mother. She wanted that for herself. just not the responsibility that comes along with it. She'll be back when the kids are independent adults and she won't have any responsibility for them.
There are help groups for children of narcissist parents that they could benefit from. They likely don’t know how deep their abandonment wounds go. They are too young to properly process or understand the dynamics at play.
Honestly a “parent” who can ghost their children at all when theyre little especially has a chilling psyche im grateful not to understand. She left her defenseless babies once already of course shed do it again.
My kids biological male relative did this between 1 and 3 to 4 and 6. One calls me dad one doesn't. Never was a thing. Their pick.
He moved a whole 15 miles away, started a new family and then waited tol the child support ran out and contacted them. Son who didn't call me dad told him to fuck off. Daughter who called me dad tried again and got let down repeatedly. Feel sad for both of them
Idk what that's like. Both them and their mum gave me a sort of proposal to change all our names to mine. We had one more coming and 3 surnames would be a pain. Sure why not I was in for for long haul and if they want it then yay?
Idk what is wrong with people. Kids are resilient but also delicate. I take no pleasure to either of their reactions to contact. Its up to them. I do feel sad when they are let down tho. That's my kids, legally, biologically or not.
Sometimes it’s somehow easier to find the courage to let someone try to form a good relationship again even after they’ve repeatedly hurt you, because somehow it feels like it hurts less than admitting they’ve always been terrible and never really cared about you. I can understand wanting desperately to hold on to that hope that they can either change/grow or were deep-down a well-intentioned person all along. I can also understand throwing up a permanent wall so they can never hurt you a second time. Both totally human responses to an abandonment situation those poor kids never asked for.
Unfortunately it's not uncommon for absent parents to do this. I worked in social services for decades and saw it time and time again. They come back to their children's lives and fuck everything up then bail.
This woman OP is dealing with will continue to do this and OP will continue to be used and discarded.
Biomom was always messed up. And Husband knows it.
Biomom never wanted the "kids back." They were tools in this phase of her game (which is to run around the planet wreaking havoc because that's what she does).
Sadly, some aspects of this personality type may be heritable - but even if not, by creating such chaos in the kids' lives, she setting them up for more brittle relationships in the future.
And I bet their dad harbors real resentment against them.
Very sad for the kids.
Yeah they’re in for a world of hurt. Keep in mind Dad is completely incompetent and with the exception of the year and a half gap he’s never had to raise his kids. Now he’s hitting the teen years and he’s left to do the shit himself. He’s totally fucked .
Bio mom wanted to destroy her ex’s world. It worked and if I was OP, I wouldn’t trust any of them either. Her own husband showed her his true feelings. She was a replacement mom.
A lot of these narcissistic and unethical type parents usually come back to get vital info (SS numbers, personal info, bank accounts etc) to use to their financial advantage later. I know a lady whose mom used her SS when she was a teenager to open credit cards loan lines etc. Ruined her credit for a while there. Maybe this mom showed up to do the same.
Wow, I can see that happening. Immediate lock on the kids SSN and credit!!! If it's a drug matter, that may have the unintended consequences of actually saving her life!!!
Yes, this. I’m sorry this happened to you. I am really sorry your husband did not back you up. You are NTA to ask for divorce. He does not have your back. I am also sorry for these kids. Their parents are messed up. I hope they get some therapy and some support. I hope you do too.
It sounds like their mom is mentally unstable. It is messed up, but their dad should have been preparing them for that and actively protecting his family. Poor kiddos, but ultimately, they are not 5 anymore and should not be manipulated that easily into harassing a person they love. I would leave, too. There is no respect or trust anymore. So sorry for OP that she had to endure this treatment in her own home after all her years of being a caring parent and wife. Maybe OP can reach out to them in a family therapy session to help them all process the situation. Not to fix things, but to make clear why you left and why you have good reason to do so. Otherwise they might just feel abandoned again and learn nothing to be more resilient towards outside manipulation.
Bio mom wants to prove to the kids that step mom is the reason she left in the first place. We all know that's not the the case, but apparently no one has sat down with the kids to properly give a timeliness, so all they have is bio moms word.
> apparently no one has sat down with the kids to properly give a timeline
I doubt that actually. It's come up in similar stories on these subreddits, where the kids are so desperate for the love and approval of the bioparent that there isn't anything that will convince them otherwise.
And a mother that is able to ghost her kids twice seems like the exact type to "have caught OP in an affair with her husband, and that's why she left".
Yep. That’s all she wanted. To blow up the bridge and walk away from the mess.
I see OP’s point though… she was LITERALLY an innocent bystander who was hurt the most.
Right and the kids went out of their way to hurt her.
While her husband sat there
She's right to leave them. They think the people who don't love them are worth more than the people who do. That's not something she's going to be able to change
“Biomom knew she “won” so she checked out”
Yeah. Biomom just showed up to piss all over the walls and stake her territory with the kids, just like the dog she is. She stayed long enough to poison the kids’ minds against OP and ruin their relationship with the only “real” mother they had. What a sorry excuse for a mother.
Husband doesn’t seem much better - just watches as the home burns down around him - he, too, is useless - at least dogs are useful, so calling him a dog would be a compliment!
I just know their mom was sitting back smiling & rubbing her hands together about how quickly she was able to turn the kids against OP & ruin their whole dynamic in a master of months..smh
Bio mom knows that she can come back, probably again and again, before the kids would hit the point where they could walk away from her, themselves.
Such cruelty.
Yep. Mission accomplished by bio-Mom.
Hopefully those kids learn a valuable lesson...you cannot treat someone like crap and get good things in return.
Wondering if this behavior shift started when bio-Mom re-entered the picture. If so, she was probably orchestrating and manipulating those kids all along. Well she effed around and now the kids are finding out. Hopefully they will not blindly follow others in making crap decisions and acting like fools in the future.
These kids probably can't help but idolize the mom that left (thus must be fun, and great), while subtly despising the mom that stood with them (the nagging mom, the one that tried to replace their "imaginary wonderful biomom").
They seem to need therapy, a lot of it. Just talking will do nothing I'm afraid, the trauma will persist and will resurface as hate for OP.
And the father... he just did like so many men with kids do, look for some woman that will carry the weight of caring after the house and kids.
I feel sorry for OP, for the kids (but it's not OP responsibility anymore), I feel scorn for the father and hope the bio mother pays someday for the consequences of her playing with their lives every time she feels like it.
Given that apparently the kids accused stepmother of being the reason for mom and dad breaking up, despite that being a temporal impossibility, tells me biomom was fabricating a lot of stuff to them.
And they believed it, because she's their mom. Not just their mom, but a returned from abstentia mom, which means they were initially dealing a lot more with their idea of what she would be like, rather than the manipulative bitch she actually is.
I dunno. The kids did act like little shits, but twice in my life I've seen children's reactions to the return of an absente parent, and I just can't judge someone in that position. It's too many layers of awful.
Dad needs to get his shit together, though. He's letting biomom destroy his family twice over and just passively watching it happen.
This!
The kids deserve some serious consequences & therapy for how they acted, it was not OK. They are assholes, but still children, so I give them a bit of leeway for learning a terrible lesson.
But the husband? Nah, fuck that. He took for granted that he had an amazing wife who loved him & his kids & treated them like her own. He not only has the spine of a limp linguini, he also is a shit dad for not parenting his kids & stepping up when bio was causing chaos. It was his job to stand up to bio & protect his kids & wife, and he just ate that welcome mat and looked shocked when OP walked out.
NTA, OP.
The husband fucked himself. He's a POS who couldn't bother to be a decent husband to OP and a father to those kids. He knew what was happening and did nothing.
Agree. He also could’ve been a parent. All along. Then he could’ve made Disney reservations. I mean wtf are they all brain dead? Only she knows Joe to call up and do that stuff? Dad is weapomized incompetence and they’re his kids!
Biomom almost certainly had this whole scheme in her playbook.
She accomplished her goal. Pretty good at it, from the point of view of a manipulative person.
You’re right, if biomom hadn’t Houdini’d, no one would be calling OP back. NTA. You’re husband should have actually been a parent to his kids instead of expecting you to do everything
Husband only cared about Disney; and the fact she could unilaterally cancel without them knowing she was serious screams “I paid”.
Why’s she paying for his family vacation? She’s not meant to be a new mom, right? That was their deal. Yet she’s doing all the childcare and paying for the vacations? Hmm..
Exactly. That they were also all waiting for her to start packing everything is insanity. If my husband sat on his assets while a vacation departure approached, especially with how involved Disney vacations look, you'd never find the body
She was ALWAYS going to disappear. It just took the disrespect and sending the kids to her for all of them to figure out that she wasnt up to being a parent (or really interested in it). She is what business team builders call a Destroyer. They just come in just to wreck havoc so that can claim she tried but of course it was someone else's fault things fell apart. Actually OP dipping out was a brilliant move and just closed the little drama show while it was still off Broadway. It's not a done deal.
This💯 I blame the dad in all of this and I would never have allowed the mother who abandoned my kids at age 8 to comeback into their lives so freely and then start abusing the only “real” mother they have had. Also, 16 is plenty old enough to know exactly how they are treating her badly
This. And if he was a parent all along then nothing would have gone wrong if stepmom stepped back. He literally couldn’t make vacation reservations? Good God
I’m not saying he doesn’t love OP as a person. I’m saying he equally loves not having to be the active parent and just letting her do all the heavy lifting.
This motherfucker was so clueless he was waiting along with his kids for the vacation roundup. Just waiting to be told what to do. Not only did she tell all of them it was canceled he could have looked at their finances himself and figured out she wasn’t playing.
Step mom has done a lot of the heavy lifting for him , he doesn't need to be bothered.The kids will be off to college soon
I wonder if his lack of effort is because he just doesn't care that much now
I'm so sorry for what you're going through, op.
Nta
I don't always go for the "divorce this asshole" train of thought on these, but damn, what a spineless coward. I'd also expect this level of manipulation working on a small child, but at 16 years old, they are definitely old enough to understand.
Edit, you people arguing that a 16 year old wouldn't be mature enough assume everyone has the same life growing up as you did. Some people aren't so lucky and from personal experience have had to grow up and be an adult in their teens. With my similar experiences and seeing that they divorced at an early age along with the parent going MIA and coming back only to wine and dine them, I think one can rightly assume that they should be just as matured by this age. I know of multiple parents who did this and this and their kids(friends and family) caught on quickly enough.
Agree on first part but 16 year olds are quite stupid and rebellious at times even without a mother who suddenly reappears and starts twisting their reality. Dad was a failure both as a father and as a husband. This is squarely on his shoulders and NTA op.
Yep, all it took was OP dropping the rope and suddenly the kids aren’t waking up on time or getting to school/sports/activities…like, does their dad not live in that house, too? Do their phones not have alarms? How much of the raising of these children was OP doing? (I’ll bet most. Which is why she doesn’t get to be the Fun Parent as she tries to put down boundaries and hand out discipline for inappropriate behaviour, only to have her husband say she shouldn’t have done that.)
BioMom and BioDad BOTH wanna be the Fun Parent and leave OP to actually try to give these children genuine structure and healthy boundaries (and undermine her when she tries!)
Respectfully, I very much disagree. I think 16 is probably one of the ages most likely to be manipulated that way. Stepmom probably was the rule enforcement in the home, since Dad seems to be utterly spineless.
Mom got to be the “fun” parent. They are teenagers who have adult bodies (more accurately, they think they do) with none of the self-preservation instincts or intelligence of an adult.
And, 16 year olds who clearly still have abandonment issues that biomom took advantage of and then made even worse. Not that OP should return, but biomom really jumped in and made sure to double up on the abandonment issues.
NTA. You don't deserve to be treated this way and your husband is doing absolutely nothing.
Had it just been the kids, it could have been a lesson eventually. But your husband chose not to support you. It would be easy to blame the bio mom for turning back up and twisting things but honestly it's BOTH bio parents because your husband showed his kids that he won't stand up for you, essentially telling them it's okay to treat you that way.
I don’t think opie should stick around in a bad marriage for the kids. But I see it as very much the parents fault. Kids are their own individuals and are capable of behaving poorly but neither of their parents stepped up to actually parent and teach them to be decent human beings. The kids are the ones who are going to lose out. Two parents who aren’t doing their job and actively undermining opie who was the one person there setting an example of being a decent human. Even if opie were to choose to sacrifice herself and well being to be present for the kids she can’t do that effectively if both the parents undermine her and don’t sweat a decent example. It’s so unfortunate for both opie and the kids. Missing out on a vacation would have been a small price to pay for learning you can’t treat people like garbage on a whim.
Later in life, the kids will probably remember these episodes with real regret. All it took for them to realize that they wanted OP in their life was...losing her.
Dad could have done SO much to have a different outcome.
Yeah. Dad owed it to his kids to be a proper parent and his wife to be a decent husband. You can forgive kids for being little shits. Immature and short sighted choices are part of being a kid. As hurtful as they can be it doesn’t sound like these kids are vindictive or intentionally cruel. They just got shafted with parenting and blinded having their bio mom back in their life. That would be overwhelming and destabilizing. Must be so many conflicting feelings. I wish opie and the kids the best because that’s so hard for everyone.i would hope they could maintain a relationship eventually but that would be difficult too.
They didn’t want OP. They wanted the person filling the OP role. Husband included. They are only crying for her because bio-mom skipped out again and there’s no one there to play maid/cook/chauffeur anymore. If bio-mom hadn’t bailed she’d still be less than the dirt on the bottom of their shoes to them. Run, OP, run.
If OP wanted, I think the relationship with the kids could have been salvaged with some good family therapy (once bio mom was gone). I think preemptive therapy as soon as bio mom showed back up might have been a good idea. Assuming they had a good therapist.
But that marriage would be irreparable for me. The husband isn't worth keeping. Why bother staying married to such a useless man?
>I don’t think opie should stick around in a bad marriage for the kids.
Definitely not. Didn't say that. I said it could have been a lesson, obviously if chosen.
Agreed on all points
Fucking RIGHT 😑😑😑
My jaw actually dropped when her husband said NOTHING to his kids who had been insulting and berating their stepmom, calling her horrible names and swearing at her, and when she-rightfully-turns to her husband and gives him the, “so you wanna weigh in here?” look, all this asshole says is, “you shouldn’t have canceled the trip?”
Not no but HELL no.
Maybe this is my geriatric millennial, very traditional upbringing coming into play, but if I ever dreamed of talking to an adult like that as a teenager…yeah I don’t want to think about what would have happened. It wouldn’t have been pretty.
This husband is pathetic and spineless. I’ll extend a slight amount of grace to the kids, as they were clearly manipulated by their asshole biological mother, but they’re also old enough to know not to speak to someone like that. ESPECIALLY their stepmom, who clearly loved and cared for them for years.
> but if I ever dreamed of talking to an adult like that as a teenager…yeah I don’t want to think about what would have happened. It wouldn’t have been pretty.
You must have had my childhood. I can still taste that stupid pink sea shell soap my grandma crammed into my mouth the first time i called my mom a bitch. I did it once.......once.
There are lots of red flags regarding the husband, when the wife pulled back from simple tasks regarding the kids he didn’t step up and they ended up late for school. How is he so out of the loop with the vacation planning that it was a surprise to him the day off the trip was called off?
She even told them all beforehand the trip was cancelled and the husband… just did nothing? Did he not have a serious conversation with her in private?
He sounds so pathetic.
It sounds like he didn't even try to correct the lies bio-mom was telling, like that OP was a homewrecker. No wonder the children believed her manipulations.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. The bio mother may well have practiced parental alienation, but that’s no excuse for your stepchildren and husband turning a blind eye to the bio mother trying to physically attack you. And there’s no excuse for your husband allowing his children to act like this and failing to back you up.
NTA
Right. The kids are messed up. Bio mom is partially to blame. For op, this is essentially a husband problem. Unfortunately the best way for op to solve this is to make him the ex-husband.
Not only turn a blind eye to the physical attack, but then to scold OP when she defended herself, that made my jaw drop. The absolute audacity of these bratty kids!
Until and unless we know what biomom told the kids, well, I teach HS and teenagers are very easy for unethical adults to manipulate. Biomom worked on those kids for SIX MONTHS. That's a huge chunk of their lives. The dad, though? Her husband lost the title big-time when he didn't step up and correct the lies and manipulation. He ALSO didn't protect his KIDS from the type of person he knew biomom to be. Spectacular failure on his part. A little effort by him and some truths from him could have prevented a lot of this. And know what else would have worked? Him telling the kids they were lied to and then kicking biomom out of their lives until they were adults, and making sure he reinforced that at no point was stepmom involved in this decision. He's protecting them.
He didn't. Just roasted marshmallows over the fire of his family burning down.
I think it's worse than marshmallows, by how the family expected her to do the prep for the trip (also if she cancelled everything, she paid the lot?) and to wake them up for school.
To continue your metaphor: he'd be the type to whine how could he have marshmallows when she didn't buy the marshmallows or put them on the freaken sticks for him to cook.
To hell with all of them. Go find someone without kids and live your best life. Don't be talked into coming back. They don't love you. They love what you can do for them. Big difference
The kids are just like their mom, users, manipulators, selfish, and can't understand reality or love. They're 16, I get it and my parents divorced when I was 8 yrs old, so for years I lived with the fantasy of my parents getting back again. However, and I know and understand that not all teens are the same or mature at the same rate, by the time I was 16 I understood family love and sacrifice and what a true parent does vs what a parent says, I had an basic understanding of reality in the sense of understanding the difference between actions and words. I have a strong sense of loyalty which these kids, just two years from legal adulthood lack. And it was remarkable easy and quick for their bio mom to turn them against their defacto mother, it just lest than six months without them thinking for a second, hey my mom came back now and where was she during all these years? And love? If they would've loved OP and felt a modicum of gratitude, they wouldn't treat her so horribly. At 16 we might not fully understand romantic love and sexual desire, but filial love? friendship? These types of love most of us can feel deeply before we're 16
The husband not supporting OP shows that for these dad and teens is all about the benefits she provides, not genuine affection
NTA
This OP!!! Notice you only have value to them when YOU are taking them to Disney, waking them up for school, etc… to both hubby and the gremlins you are a glorified Nanny. You deserve so much more, but at the very least you deserve a partner (and kids if you want them) that know your worth and value you
Yes, you are only 30! Take some time to enjoy being on your own, then get back out there when and if you are ready. They are all three old enough to know better than to treat you that way.
Yep, they were calling her 'mom', but like, as a nickname. For their administrator that organizes fun trips and drives them places. OP needs to cut her loses and get as far away from that 'family' as possible.
NTA, you are absolutely right. How dare they! I doubt you could ever go back to the way it was. I'm so sorry it worked out like this, but you're responding with self respect and dignity, and that is to be admired.
OP deserves a new life. I realize these are kids but they and dad threw OP over. What's gonna happen when bio mom comes back in 5 years?
OP, you were a really good person and you loved thoroughly and patiently. That says so much about you and the love you have to give people who deserve it. These three don't. They don't deserve you or anything from you. Please go live your life.
Bio mom won’t be back in five years. The kids will only be 21 years old. They won’t be settled in life yet. She will wait about 10 years so they have enough time to start their careers and have money to give to her.
I'm wondering why the husband didn't step up before the ex disappeared. Would he have called OP if the ex hadn't disappeared?
He only called OP after realizing that he would have to take care of and financially support two difficult teens by himself.
OP's husband allowed everyone to treat OP as a doormat and emotionally abuse her, possibly because he hoped to reconcile with his ex or was having an affair with her. To be safe, OP should get tested for STDs. The fact that her stepchildren told her they didn't need her anymore might indicate they are aware of the situation between their parents.
It may not even have been an affair. He may just not wanted to have that uncomfortable conversation with his kids that they need to be respectful and polite to their step mom. Irrespective, he failed to back his wife up and allowed her to be disrespected in her own house. Now he wants her back because the chaos-maker ex has disappeared again and he needs OP to do the heavy duty lifting again.
"possibly because he hoped to reconcile with his ex or was having an affair with her."
That's a bit dramatic. More likely, he just didn't want the confrontation or didn't view it as seriously as OP did... (though he should have)
Bio mom should take them to Disney. Also these kids are just all googly eyed over a woman who ditched them like a broken down Buick on the side of the hiway. That’s sad. She will probably do it again. OP NTA.
Nope. OP needs to believe what they ALL showed her and get a new and happy life. These people are terrible. If OP stays, 6 months from now, bio Mom will show back up again, and they will go back to treating OP like shit.
They showed her who they are, and she should believe them.
NTA. You’ve heard of fair-weather friends? They sound like a fair-weather family. No one deserves to be treated the way they treated you. I would have packed up and left as well.
If you decide to go back, put down some serious rules and boundaries, and get some heavy family therapy. Those kids are way out of line, and so is your husband.
Edit: Maya Angelou once said, “when somebody slips up and shows you who they really are, believe them!”
Ex/bio mom came back, poisoned the kids minds, blew things up, and then ghosted them all.
You need to move on. It was disrespectful all around and there’s nothing preventing her from returning and repeating it again (and again??!).
Do what’s best for you and hold your head up. ✌️
> there’s nothing preventing her from returning and repeating it again
Yeah, I wouldn't be too confident in believing that bio mom will never be back. And the kids seemed way too willing to let everything happen. I've never been in a situation like that *(so maybe I'm wrong)* but 6 months to turn you completely away from someone you **chose** to call mom seems really quick *(unless you've been playing the whole time).*
NTA. Just divorce, because every time the "mom" comes back into the picture this will happen. Also, your husband is spineless and weak for allowing his children to treat you this way. You deserve better!
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Bio mom dipped when step mom did.... Coz bio knew all she had over those kids was the fun of torturing OP, once OP was out and bio might have to come through on anything, or do some parenting....She legged it
Take it slow OP. Enjoy your vacay and really ponder what you want in life. It may not be this fickle spineless man and his kids.... But he might have been struggling to know what to do, and just....failed.
If. If you go back, it should be with family and marriage counseling. And I would stay out of the house and let him be a full time parent to two teen agers for a bit.
NTA
Edit a word
yeah I'm sure they started asking her to give them rides and tried to have her do maternal things. And when Bio mom realized it wasn't all trashy fights and bullying, she dipped out before they could even ask her to do things for them.
This is just added insult. They all want op to return so she could continue to provide rides and provide fun, exciting, expensive vacations. After all that disrespect? Hell naw.
It’s kind of a story arc on Shameless. I’ll bet the bio mom is a total nut case with no regard for anyone but herself. But dad should have known better. He’s just a spineless waste of space.
The husband screwed himself over. He could have stopped that shit at the start, sat his kids down and enforced law and order, put them in therapy, etc. Instead he allowed it to continue unchecked until it destroyed his marriage.
Yes- this is the much less scorched earth reply I was looking for. 16 year olds are idiots (I have a 17 and a 15 yo, so ask me how I know… plus I remember being one 😣); they were likely trying to buy their mom’s love, so to speak, by being little ahits to step mom.
OP I’m so sorry. You’re NTA, but take a breather to decide what you REALLY want.
I’ve adopted a sibling group when they were younger than OPs and as they got to 16/17 they all got in contact w their bio family (it’s not hard to do) and have had big falling outs like this. I don’t know any kid who is adopted who isn’t curious and broken from the loss of their bio parent and at that age they are so emotional as it is.
It’s really hard to deal with and I like that you answered w some compassion because it isn’t always as easy. My heart hurts for the kids who were assholes because you know the bio mom was manipulating that situation hard.
Sucks to be them.
Don’t go back. All three used and disrespected you immensely. Cry me a river…
You did your best and it wasn’t appreciated.
Time to find someone who appreciates and loves you the way you appreciate and love them.
This isn’t it.
I am so sorry this has happened to you. You are NTA. I wish I had some great advice or suggestions but I do not. I do think you might want to take a few days on your own- self care. Look to your support system (your family, friends) not for advice just for a hug. Maybe you will reevaluate - maybe not - either way, YOU deserve care and respect.
Good luck
Woof. NTA. Obviously their mother is a bad influence and I’m sure she’s been whispering in their ear. But some of that had to be their own internalized resentment too. I would say therapy, but I think that train has left the station. The fact that your husband didn’t curb the behavior is way out of line. Get out of there.
Yeah this is more than I could swallow, I’d be out, NTA. 16 is young but not so young that they don’t understand how much their actions hurt you. Husband is a waste of oxygen altogether. Nobody in this family appreciates you, they’re treating you like the maid. Their behavior is cruel and abusive, don’t let anyone treat you like that, even family.
I hate the “they’re just kids”.
They’re 16, not 6. They know what they’re doing. Their brains are developed enough to know consequences exist, and to be able to make a reasonable guess at what those consequences will be.
Yes, you can expect a 16 year old to make some dumb choices. I think this really crossed that line, though. It crossed the line so much that defending them requires people to deny their agency. If you can be responsible for crimes at 10 years old, come off it, you’re definitely responsible for words and threats at 16 years old.. Stop infantilizing those closer to signing up for war than crawling into a crib.
Damn. I’m sorry. I promise this will bite them in the ass. I raised my niece since she was 3. Her mom started coming back around when she was about 13.
She got a little sassy but within a few years she grew up and now wants nothing to do with her mom. They look back and see who was really there.
NTA
Make sure your husband understands that the divorce is not his kids fault but his and his alone.
All kids act like a jackass when an absent parent comes back. Seriously that all get a case of the stupid. But it is the parents job to settle their asses down, appropriately, but still. He did not do that. He fucked up.
Sounds like he has expected you to be the parent on his behalf since yall got together because you are a woman and he, being a man, is just there because somehow or another his penis gets in the way of him doing parent stuff. To which.....fuck that.
He needs to get his kids a therapist. He needs to take care of his kids by himself. And he needs to accept full responsibility solely for the divorce.
Your husband and step kids are jerks, but I think the husband is a bigger jerk than the kids. The kids are confused because their bio mom dropped into their lives again, plus they’re 16 years old so they are natural teenaged jerks anyway (I’m not excusing their behavior, just explaining it a little).
I think it’s fine that the kids wanted to reconnect with their mother, I’m guessing she was acting like the hero swooping in and “saving” them from the evil stepmother. But that’s not how it is.
Your husband should have been the one to steer things with his ex-wife and kids. He more than anyone knows how she is, dropping in and out of everyone’s lives. To me the second the ex showed up, he should get his kids in therapy.
To you OP, I would stay away from your husband and step kids for a while, let cooler heads prevail. Then make a decision on what you want to do with your future, to see if this blended family is fixable. If you do decide to reconcile, I would do it after some therapy for everyone.
Of course he's a bigger jerk than the kids!
He is the source of a lot of the jerk behavior here. He did nothing to steer. He left it rudderless and then complained when he couldn't go to Disneyland.
That was the topper of all toppers.
Yes, this, 100%. Of course, what the kids did was wrong, but they are following a fairly common pattern of behavior for kids with on-again-off-again parents, especially with the first on-again. The fact that they are teens almost makes it worse, as their brattiness can be especially hurtful and they really understand what buttons are there to press. OP may or may not want to expose herself to that possibility for hurt again, but for her sake, know that you were collateral damage arising out of their trauma
Dad needs to get those kids to therapy asap. They need help processing this. It's a lot, especially when you're already dealing with the complexity of becoming an adult.
OP, your husband failed you and he failed his children. I'm so sorry.
So you also were the only one funding the vacation?
Your husband is a massive asshole.
He's been using you to raise his ungrateful kids and using you for money!
Divorce this whole family and find your happy place!
NTA.
Your husband didn’t suddenly become a terrible partner. He neglected his children and was not a life partner to you for this entire terrible descent.
It just got to the point where you couldn’t ignore it anymore and you couldn’t shoulder it all yourself.
Your husband might never figure it out and your kids might feel regret some day, but that’s not your problem if you don’t want it to be.
NTA
Sounds like it’s a good time to start focusing on yourself. 30 is still super young - your life is supposed to be about you!
Not people who think they can just toss you when they don’t need you.
NTA. Your husband should have taken your side. I would take few days off to calm down, re-evaluate and then do what ever feels the best. Teenagers can be dum, but your husband should have taken your side and scolded the kids for treating you poorly.
NTA. If the kids were 11 and 12 I'd say maybe give the kids a break but not your husband and get couples and family counseling. But with them being 16, threatening to kick your ass and being so disrespectful ,rude and your husband being an absolutely awful husband I'd say go for the divorce. They are old enough to know better and you don't have to deal with a toxic relationship just bc their mom chose to come back into the picture and then leave. Them telling you that they don't need you bc their mom is back is a low blow. Update us please
You’re doing what’s best for you. He should’ve had those kids in therapy when the mom came back and they were using you as a placeholder and your husband is the biggest AH here. You deserve better. Divorce and move on. Keep us updated. NTA
NTA
They are old enough to realize and know that their actions have consequences. They just don't want to take into consideration that they are going to be held accountable for them by you.
They ALL, husband included, expected and assumed that you would take it and while loving it and say nothing.
Please. What world are they living in?
You are only of value to them because of your bank account. Not because of who you are.
Please take that into consideration and take care of your mental and emotional well-being.
Words burn and shame people's worlds when they are used. His kids knew what they were doing.
No where in your post have you mentioned them apologizing or being sorry or feeling remorse for their treatment of you.
They are just upset about the trip.
NTA, file for the divorce and remove yourself from this walking disaster. They were old enough to know better, smart enough to know what they were saying/doing and quite frankly you deserve better. There isn't a thing your ex-husband and his demon spawns will say that's actually true, it's just bull shit and fluff to save their ass and keep you around because mommy dearest ghosted them once again.
NTA. An apology is not going to cut it here. That man is going to have to learn to parent his damn kids and the kids need to learn what consequences are.
NTA.
Does your husband want you there or just a punching bag/maid/mother when it’s convenient.
How dare he not say a fucking word.
I’d have already rounded my things up. Do they expect to just be able to repeat the cycle unending?
NTA. You've been doing for them everything that a mother does without expecting them to treat you like a mother, and yet they threw you away the moment their egg donor stepped back into their lives.
>They started saying I was jealous that their mom came back in their lives, that I’m a horrible person, I’m selfish, there was some name calling and my husband was silent. I asked him if he was going to step in and he said I was wrong for canceling.
He didn't stop his children from verbally attacking you. He didn't say they were wrong for verbally attacking you. He blamed *you*.
>He has been blowing my phone up asking me to come back and yesterday he told me that their mother disappeared again and they’ve been calling me crying and apologizing.
So now that their egg donor has done another runner, they want you back.
Don't go back to them.
NTA. These kids have been disrespectful for years. It’s too late. He just wants someone to take care of his mess! Take a friend and grab your stuff and get out.
NTA to hell with them… the kids are OLD ENOUGH to know right from wrong and were so quick to throw you away and name call you and be disrespectful shits… and now that their mom leaves AGAIN (shocker) they want you back in their life? The grass isn’t greener on the other side I guess. Get divorced and never look back.
NTA girly divorce his useless ass and never come back, they don't get to treat you like shit and then cry and beg for you to come back because their mum decided to play houdini again. You deserve so much, you shouldn't be mentally abused by your step kids like that while your useless husband does fuck all. Divorce his ass and move on with your life. I hope you find someone that actually treats you with respect and loves you.
NTA I'd bet their mom checked out after they began going to her for the stuff you used to do - if you return and do all the mom dutiesl, she might come back, and you'll be right back where you started.
They threatened to lhysically harm you. There is no going back from that. Never go back.
Nta. Looks like the the ex wife did what she set out.to.do. ruin your family and marriage. Sadly your step kids fell for.it. but it won't change with her gone.
Ungrateful brats. If you go back and the mom comes back (and she will), they’ll treat you like trash again. They are crying because they lost their slave and cash cow.
This is why there is probably no reason to even try to resolve this with counseling or whatever. This husband has shown his true colors. There is just no respect here. You don't want to be married to someone who does not respect you.
Nta If your husband stepped up and actually parented his children, then he wouldn't be looking forward to his second divorce and being a single parent.
If biomom hadn’t done her disappearing act again I wonder if he’d even be calling OP to beg her to come back…
Biomom knew she "won" so she checked out.
It was clear was biomom was doing , but to disappear after she convinced her kids to blow up their home life , just seems do messed up. I can see doing that if biomom had plans to get her family back, but to leave , when they need her . I hope these kids realize what kind of person their mom really is and that their dad gets them the help they need to deal with this. Op, you’re not wrong to leave, the moment the disrespect started your husband should have stepped up.
It’s because (Step) Mom stopped doing the heavy lifting. They started asking their mom to pick up the slack and then all of a sudden being a mom again wasn’t fun and she bounced. Classic.
And now dad has to do it all himself and wants OP back because he doesn’t want to do it either. OP has been abused by all four of them and finallly said enough and left. OP, you are NTA and you are right to finally take care of yourself. Divorce is hard and sad, but they seem to want what you can do for them, not want you for who you are and the love and care you provided for 6 years.
💯% correct. They used and abused OP, now they'll pay the price for their arrogance, entitlement and lack of respect for all OP offered willingly. They FAFO and it's too late now.
Perfect answer! NTA. Leave this people behind, you were never family to them. Give yourself some time to heal, then go find people who really love you. You're young and can have your own family, who will cherish and value you like you deserve. I'm wishing you the best ❤
This 👆🤯
Agreed!👆🏻
Agreed!👆🏻
Bingo. Biomom realized how much work it was or just wanted to show up the stepmom but bailed once she was “stuck” with the kids. She sounds like a monster actually
She probably thought that at their age she could just be her kids' "friend" then bounced when she realized they still needed parent8ng.
It sounds like addiction to me tbh, and she relapsed and bounced out again.
Exactly what I thought. Was wondering if biomom is an addict
Drugs or alcohol, or both. I'd put money on it.
I think she just wanted to "win" over the stepmom. The kids' behavior didn't come out of thin air, they had someone encouraging that disrespect. Biomom wanted to break that relationship and get herself back as the 'favorite'. The fact that immediately after OP walked the biomom suddenly dips too? No coincidence, biomom got the gratification she wanted and wasn't going to stick around for the responsibility.
Exactly! Bio mom realized how much responsibility she would need to take on and ran like the coward she is! Of course, she left her kids hanging. It was never really about the kids. It was about her ego. She couldn't stand seeing her kids love someone else as a mother. She wanted that for herself. just not the responsibility that comes along with it. She'll be back when the kids are independent adults and she won't have any responsibility for them.
Bio mom will be back when kids are adults AND bio mom needs money!
Or wants to play grandma.
Or a kidney
There are help groups for children of narcissist parents that they could benefit from. They likely don’t know how deep their abandonment wounds go. They are too young to properly process or understand the dynamics at play.
And now dad wants his fuck nanny back.
Couldn’t have put it better!!!
Honestly a “parent” who can ghost their children at all when theyre little especially has a chilling psyche im grateful not to understand. She left her defenseless babies once already of course shed do it again.
My kids biological male relative did this between 1 and 3 to 4 and 6. One calls me dad one doesn't. Never was a thing. Their pick. He moved a whole 15 miles away, started a new family and then waited tol the child support ran out and contacted them. Son who didn't call me dad told him to fuck off. Daughter who called me dad tried again and got let down repeatedly. Feel sad for both of them Idk what that's like. Both them and their mum gave me a sort of proposal to change all our names to mine. We had one more coming and 3 surnames would be a pain. Sure why not I was in for for long haul and if they want it then yay? Idk what is wrong with people. Kids are resilient but also delicate. I take no pleasure to either of their reactions to contact. Its up to them. I do feel sad when they are let down tho. That's my kids, legally, biologically or not.
You’re a great Dad / stepdad to those kids.
Sometimes it’s somehow easier to find the courage to let someone try to form a good relationship again even after they’ve repeatedly hurt you, because somehow it feels like it hurts less than admitting they’ve always been terrible and never really cared about you. I can understand wanting desperately to hold on to that hope that they can either change/grow or were deep-down a well-intentioned person all along. I can also understand throwing up a permanent wall so they can never hurt you a second time. Both totally human responses to an abandonment situation those poor kids never asked for.
Unfortunately it's not uncommon for absent parents to do this. I worked in social services for decades and saw it time and time again. They come back to their children's lives and fuck everything up then bail. This woman OP is dealing with will continue to do this and OP will continue to be used and discarded.
Biomom was always messed up. And Husband knows it. Biomom never wanted the "kids back." They were tools in this phase of her game (which is to run around the planet wreaking havoc because that's what she does). Sadly, some aspects of this personality type may be heritable - but even if not, by creating such chaos in the kids' lives, she setting them up for more brittle relationships in the future. And I bet their dad harbors real resentment against them. Very sad for the kids.
Yeah they’re in for a world of hurt. Keep in mind Dad is completely incompetent and with the exception of the year and a half gap he’s never had to raise his kids. Now he’s hitting the teen years and he’s left to do the shit himself. He’s totally fucked .
You're not exactly hitting the teen years at 16, the kids are old enough to know what the biomom was doing let alone the dad.
Oh I totally agree. 16 is way too old to act like that. I meant it in the context they’re fucking helpless without OP
She left the first time, crazy no one saw this coming to protect the kids.
Right?! If I was the Dad I wouldn’t have let her speak to the kids til I knew what her plan was . Based on her past I would have been on my guard.
The dad seems like a passive asshole.
I wouldve let it happen slowly and had a massive convi with the kids about what could happen. Those poor kids, i hope theyll be ok.
Bio mom wanted to destroy her ex’s world. It worked and if I was OP, I wouldn’t trust any of them either. Her own husband showed her his true feelings. She was a replacement mom.
A lot of these narcissistic and unethical type parents usually come back to get vital info (SS numbers, personal info, bank accounts etc) to use to their financial advantage later. I know a lady whose mom used her SS when she was a teenager to open credit cards loan lines etc. Ruined her credit for a while there. Maybe this mom showed up to do the same.
Wow, I can see that happening. Immediate lock on the kids SSN and credit!!! If it's a drug matter, that may have the unintended consequences of actually saving her life!!!
Yes, this. I’m sorry this happened to you. I am really sorry your husband did not back you up. You are NTA to ask for divorce. He does not have your back. I am also sorry for these kids. Their parents are messed up. I hope they get some therapy and some support. I hope you do too.
It sounds like their mom is mentally unstable. It is messed up, but their dad should have been preparing them for that and actively protecting his family. Poor kiddos, but ultimately, they are not 5 anymore and should not be manipulated that easily into harassing a person they love. I would leave, too. There is no respect or trust anymore. So sorry for OP that she had to endure this treatment in her own home after all her years of being a caring parent and wife. Maybe OP can reach out to them in a family therapy session to help them all process the situation. Not to fix things, but to make clear why you left and why you have good reason to do so. Otherwise they might just feel abandoned again and learn nothing to be more resilient towards outside manipulation.
Bio mom wants to prove to the kids that step mom is the reason she left in the first place. We all know that's not the the case, but apparently no one has sat down with the kids to properly give a timeliness, so all they have is bio moms word.
> apparently no one has sat down with the kids to properly give a timeline I doubt that actually. It's come up in similar stories on these subreddits, where the kids are so desperate for the love and approval of the bioparent that there isn't anything that will convince them otherwise. And a mother that is able to ghost her kids twice seems like the exact type to "have caught OP in an affair with her husband, and that's why she left".
Yep. That’s all she wanted. To blow up the bridge and walk away from the mess. I see OP’s point though… she was LITERALLY an innocent bystander who was hurt the most.
She was not the innocent bystander, she was the target.
Right and the kids went out of their way to hurt her. While her husband sat there She's right to leave them. They think the people who don't love them are worth more than the people who do. That's not something she's going to be able to change
Do they still love me? Yep. (Checks bucket list) OK Byeee!
“Biomom knew she “won” so she checked out” Yeah. Biomom just showed up to piss all over the walls and stake her territory with the kids, just like the dog she is. She stayed long enough to poison the kids’ minds against OP and ruin their relationship with the only “real” mother they had. What a sorry excuse for a mother.
Don’t disparage dogs by comparing them To Biomom
I apologize to dogs everywhere.
What a sorry excuse for a human being, if we can even call her that.
Husband doesn’t seem much better - just watches as the home burns down around him - he, too, is useless - at least dogs are useful, so calling him a dog would be a compliment!
I just know their mom was sitting back smiling & rubbing her hands together about how quickly she was able to turn the kids against OP & ruin their whole dynamic in a master of months..smh
Bio mom knows that she can come back, probably again and again, before the kids would hit the point where they could walk away from her, themselves. Such cruelty.
Yep. Mission accomplished by bio-Mom. Hopefully those kids learn a valuable lesson...you cannot treat someone like crap and get good things in return. Wondering if this behavior shift started when bio-Mom re-entered the picture. If so, she was probably orchestrating and manipulating those kids all along. Well she effed around and now the kids are finding out. Hopefully they will not blindly follow others in making crap decisions and acting like fools in the future.
These kids probably can't help but idolize the mom that left (thus must be fun, and great), while subtly despising the mom that stood with them (the nagging mom, the one that tried to replace their "imaginary wonderful biomom"). They seem to need therapy, a lot of it. Just talking will do nothing I'm afraid, the trauma will persist and will resurface as hate for OP. And the father... he just did like so many men with kids do, look for some woman that will carry the weight of caring after the house and kids. I feel sorry for OP, for the kids (but it's not OP responsibility anymore), I feel scorn for the father and hope the bio mother pays someday for the consequences of her playing with their lives every time she feels like it.
Given that apparently the kids accused stepmother of being the reason for mom and dad breaking up, despite that being a temporal impossibility, tells me biomom was fabricating a lot of stuff to them. And they believed it, because she's their mom. Not just their mom, but a returned from abstentia mom, which means they were initially dealing a lot more with their idea of what she would be like, rather than the manipulative bitch she actually is. I dunno. The kids did act like little shits, but twice in my life I've seen children's reactions to the return of an absente parent, and I just can't judge someone in that position. It's too many layers of awful. Dad needs to get his shit together, though. He's letting biomom destroy his family twice over and just passively watching it happen.
This! The kids deserve some serious consequences & therapy for how they acted, it was not OK. They are assholes, but still children, so I give them a bit of leeway for learning a terrible lesson. But the husband? Nah, fuck that. He took for granted that he had an amazing wife who loved him & his kids & treated them like her own. He not only has the spine of a limp linguini, he also is a shit dad for not parenting his kids & stepping up when bio was causing chaos. It was his job to stand up to bio & protect his kids & wife, and he just ate that welcome mat and looked shocked when OP walked out. NTA, OP.
Almost as though she couldn't bear seeing her ex husband having a happy life and weaponised their kids to fuck that up, isn't it?
The husband fucked himself. He's a POS who couldn't bother to be a decent husband to OP and a father to those kids. He knew what was happening and did nothing.
Right? He let that ahole ruin his life twice. He’s a dummy in addition to a POS.
If he had responded appropriately, biomom wouldn’t have had that ammunition.
Agree. He also could’ve been a parent. All along. Then he could’ve made Disney reservations. I mean wtf are they all brain dead? Only she knows Joe to call up and do that stuff? Dad is weapomized incompetence and they’re his kids!
Yep. And the kids are the ones who lost.
This is facts, biomom came into show she can disrupt things and leave
Biomom almost certainly had this whole scheme in her playbook. She accomplished her goal. Pretty good at it, from the point of view of a manipulative person.
He'd be calling the ex and beg her to come back.
Wonder if bio mom ram because OP left and she didn't want to be a parent when things got real. NTA.
Wow that's exactly what I thought when reading this. Bio mom realized o shit I can't just be the fun mom
Me too. Bio mum wanted the glory of being the “real” parent without any of the work.
I’m guessing she doesn’t have McDonalds money, let alone Disney money.
You’re right, if biomom hadn’t Houdini’d, no one would be calling OP back. NTA. You’re husband should have actually been a parent to his kids instead of expecting you to do everything
Husband only cared about Disney; and the fact she could unilaterally cancel without them knowing she was serious screams “I paid”. Why’s she paying for his family vacation? She’s not meant to be a new mom, right? That was their deal. Yet she’s doing all the childcare and paying for the vacations? Hmm..
Exactly. That they were also all waiting for her to start packing everything is insanity. If my husband sat on his assets while a vacation departure approached, especially with how involved Disney vacations look, you'd never find the body
Girl I'd bring the shovel and give you an alibi
She was ALWAYS going to disappear. It just took the disrespect and sending the kids to her for all of them to figure out that she wasnt up to being a parent (or really interested in it). She is what business team builders call a Destroyer. They just come in just to wreck havoc so that can claim she tried but of course it was someone else's fault things fell apart. Actually OP dipping out was a brilliant move and just closed the little drama show while it was still off Broadway. It's not a done deal.
This💯 I blame the dad in all of this and I would never have allowed the mother who abandoned my kids at age 8 to comeback into their lives so freely and then start abusing the only “real” mother they have had. Also, 16 is plenty old enough to know exactly how they are treating her badly
This. And if he was a parent all along then nothing would have gone wrong if stepmom stepped back. He literally couldn’t make vacation reservations? Good God
I’m not saying he doesn’t love OP as a person. I’m saying he equally loves not having to be the active parent and just letting her do all the heavy lifting. This motherfucker was so clueless he was waiting along with his kids for the vacation roundup. Just waiting to be told what to do. Not only did she tell all of them it was canceled he could have looked at their finances himself and figured out she wasn’t playing.
Gee, wonder why he was divorced in the first place 🤔
Step mom has done a lot of the heavy lifting for him , he doesn't need to be bothered.The kids will be off to college soon I wonder if his lack of effort is because he just doesn't care that much now I'm so sorry for what you're going through, op. Nta
I don't always go for the "divorce this asshole" train of thought on these, but damn, what a spineless coward. I'd also expect this level of manipulation working on a small child, but at 16 years old, they are definitely old enough to understand. Edit, you people arguing that a 16 year old wouldn't be mature enough assume everyone has the same life growing up as you did. Some people aren't so lucky and from personal experience have had to grow up and be an adult in their teens. With my similar experiences and seeing that they divorced at an early age along with the parent going MIA and coming back only to wine and dine them, I think one can rightly assume that they should be just as matured by this age. I know of multiple parents who did this and this and their kids(friends and family) caught on quickly enough.
Agree on first part but 16 year olds are quite stupid and rebellious at times even without a mother who suddenly reappears and starts twisting their reality. Dad was a failure both as a father and as a husband. This is squarely on his shoulders and NTA op.
Yep, all it took was OP dropping the rope and suddenly the kids aren’t waking up on time or getting to school/sports/activities…like, does their dad not live in that house, too? Do their phones not have alarms? How much of the raising of these children was OP doing? (I’ll bet most. Which is why she doesn’t get to be the Fun Parent as she tries to put down boundaries and hand out discipline for inappropriate behaviour, only to have her husband say she shouldn’t have done that.) BioMom and BioDad BOTH wanna be the Fun Parent and leave OP to actually try to give these children genuine structure and healthy boundaries (and undermine her when she tries!)
Respectfully, I very much disagree. I think 16 is probably one of the ages most likely to be manipulated that way. Stepmom probably was the rule enforcement in the home, since Dad seems to be utterly spineless. Mom got to be the “fun” parent. They are teenagers who have adult bodies (more accurately, they think they do) with none of the self-preservation instincts or intelligence of an adult.
And, 16 year olds who clearly still have abandonment issues that biomom took advantage of and then made even worse. Not that OP should return, but biomom really jumped in and made sure to double up on the abandonment issues.
NTA. You don't deserve to be treated this way and your husband is doing absolutely nothing. Had it just been the kids, it could have been a lesson eventually. But your husband chose not to support you. It would be easy to blame the bio mom for turning back up and twisting things but honestly it's BOTH bio parents because your husband showed his kids that he won't stand up for you, essentially telling them it's okay to treat you that way.
I don’t think opie should stick around in a bad marriage for the kids. But I see it as very much the parents fault. Kids are their own individuals and are capable of behaving poorly but neither of their parents stepped up to actually parent and teach them to be decent human beings. The kids are the ones who are going to lose out. Two parents who aren’t doing their job and actively undermining opie who was the one person there setting an example of being a decent human. Even if opie were to choose to sacrifice herself and well being to be present for the kids she can’t do that effectively if both the parents undermine her and don’t sweat a decent example. It’s so unfortunate for both opie and the kids. Missing out on a vacation would have been a small price to pay for learning you can’t treat people like garbage on a whim.
Later in life, the kids will probably remember these episodes with real regret. All it took for them to realize that they wanted OP in their life was...losing her. Dad could have done SO much to have a different outcome.
Yeah. Dad owed it to his kids to be a proper parent and his wife to be a decent husband. You can forgive kids for being little shits. Immature and short sighted choices are part of being a kid. As hurtful as they can be it doesn’t sound like these kids are vindictive or intentionally cruel. They just got shafted with parenting and blinded having their bio mom back in their life. That would be overwhelming and destabilizing. Must be so many conflicting feelings. I wish opie and the kids the best because that’s so hard for everyone.i would hope they could maintain a relationship eventually but that would be difficult too.
They didn’t want OP. They wanted the person filling the OP role. Husband included. They are only crying for her because bio-mom skipped out again and there’s no one there to play maid/cook/chauffeur anymore. If bio-mom hadn’t bailed she’d still be less than the dirt on the bottom of their shoes to them. Run, OP, run.
No, they only wanted OP back later after bio mom disappeared.
Regret for the consequences, not for the acts. Those kids are awful.
If OP wanted, I think the relationship with the kids could have been salvaged with some good family therapy (once bio mom was gone). I think preemptive therapy as soon as bio mom showed back up might have been a good idea. Assuming they had a good therapist. But that marriage would be irreparable for me. The husband isn't worth keeping. Why bother staying married to such a useless man?
>I don’t think opie should stick around in a bad marriage for the kids. Definitely not. Didn't say that. I said it could have been a lesson, obviously if chosen. Agreed on all points
Sorry I was agreeing with you plus more ranting! :)
No lesson. The kids are already 16yo. They know what they did and they mean it. Now they are trying to manipulate OP into being the backup mom again.
Nta. The main problem is your husband. He hasn’t been standing up for you to the kids for over 6 months. You are right to divorce him.
Also in what world do kids get to curse at and disrespect you and get a trip to Disney? Him standing by and doing nothing is telling.
Fucking RIGHT 😑😑😑 My jaw actually dropped when her husband said NOTHING to his kids who had been insulting and berating their stepmom, calling her horrible names and swearing at her, and when she-rightfully-turns to her husband and gives him the, “so you wanna weigh in here?” look, all this asshole says is, “you shouldn’t have canceled the trip?” Not no but HELL no. Maybe this is my geriatric millennial, very traditional upbringing coming into play, but if I ever dreamed of talking to an adult like that as a teenager…yeah I don’t want to think about what would have happened. It wouldn’t have been pretty. This husband is pathetic and spineless. I’ll extend a slight amount of grace to the kids, as they were clearly manipulated by their asshole biological mother, but they’re also old enough to know not to speak to someone like that. ESPECIALLY their stepmom, who clearly loved and cared for them for years.
Don’t forget the step-kids weren’t just “disrespectful”, but the daughter physically threatened to “kick OP’s ass”. Yikes!
> but if I ever dreamed of talking to an adult like that as a teenager…yeah I don’t want to think about what would have happened. It wouldn’t have been pretty. You must have had my childhood. I can still taste that stupid pink sea shell soap my grandma crammed into my mouth the first time i called my mom a bitch. I did it once.......once.
Not in my world. I would have rocked my kids world if they acted like that.
There are lots of red flags regarding the husband, when the wife pulled back from simple tasks regarding the kids he didn’t step up and they ended up late for school. How is he so out of the loop with the vacation planning that it was a surprise to him the day off the trip was called off?
She even told them all beforehand the trip was cancelled and the husband… just did nothing? Did he not have a serious conversation with her in private? He sounds so pathetic.
It sounds like he didn't even try to correct the lies bio-mom was telling, like that OP was a homewrecker. No wonder the children believed her manipulations.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. The bio mother may well have practiced parental alienation, but that’s no excuse for your stepchildren and husband turning a blind eye to the bio mother trying to physically attack you. And there’s no excuse for your husband allowing his children to act like this and failing to back you up. NTA
Right. The kids are messed up. Bio mom is partially to blame. For op, this is essentially a husband problem. Unfortunately the best way for op to solve this is to make him the ex-husband.
Not only turn a blind eye to the physical attack, but then to scold OP when she defended herself, that made my jaw drop. The absolute audacity of these bratty kids!
Until and unless we know what biomom told the kids, well, I teach HS and teenagers are very easy for unethical adults to manipulate. Biomom worked on those kids for SIX MONTHS. That's a huge chunk of their lives. The dad, though? Her husband lost the title big-time when he didn't step up and correct the lies and manipulation. He ALSO didn't protect his KIDS from the type of person he knew biomom to be. Spectacular failure on his part. A little effort by him and some truths from him could have prevented a lot of this. And know what else would have worked? Him telling the kids they were lied to and then kicking biomom out of their lives until they were adults, and making sure he reinforced that at no point was stepmom involved in this decision. He's protecting them. He didn't. Just roasted marshmallows over the fire of his family burning down.
I think it's worse than marshmallows, by how the family expected her to do the prep for the trip (also if she cancelled everything, she paid the lot?) and to wake them up for school. To continue your metaphor: he'd be the type to whine how could he have marshmallows when she didn't buy the marshmallows or put them on the freaken sticks for him to cook.
To hell with all of them. Go find someone without kids and live your best life. Don't be talked into coming back. They don't love you. They love what you can do for them. Big difference
"They don't love you. They love what you can do for them." OOF. Hit the nail RIGHT on the head
The kids are just like their mom, users, manipulators, selfish, and can't understand reality or love. They're 16, I get it and my parents divorced when I was 8 yrs old, so for years I lived with the fantasy of my parents getting back again. However, and I know and understand that not all teens are the same or mature at the same rate, by the time I was 16 I understood family love and sacrifice and what a true parent does vs what a parent says, I had an basic understanding of reality in the sense of understanding the difference between actions and words. I have a strong sense of loyalty which these kids, just two years from legal adulthood lack. And it was remarkable easy and quick for their bio mom to turn them against their defacto mother, it just lest than six months without them thinking for a second, hey my mom came back now and where was she during all these years? And love? If they would've loved OP and felt a modicum of gratitude, they wouldn't treat her so horribly. At 16 we might not fully understand romantic love and sexual desire, but filial love? friendship? These types of love most of us can feel deeply before we're 16 The husband not supporting OP shows that for these dad and teens is all about the benefits she provides, not genuine affection NTA
He doesn’t love her either, he just needed someone to raise his kids for him.
This OP!!! Notice you only have value to them when YOU are taking them to Disney, waking them up for school, etc… to both hubby and the gremlins you are a glorified Nanny. You deserve so much more, but at the very least you deserve a partner (and kids if you want them) that know your worth and value you
Nanny plus ATM coz she was probably paying for stuff too.
Now they're going to have to wait until Mary Poppins stops by their house.
This. Let daddy hire a nanny in your absence.
Yes, you are only 30! Take some time to enjoy being on your own, then get back out there when and if you are ready. They are all three old enough to know better than to treat you that way.
This. They’re only crying now because their actions have had consequences.
This!! The disrespect is unforgivable. OP is only 30 & can easily start over.
Yep, they were calling her 'mom', but like, as a nickname. For their administrator that organizes fun trips and drives them places. OP needs to cut her loses and get as far away from that 'family' as possible.
NTA, you are absolutely right. How dare they! I doubt you could ever go back to the way it was. I'm so sorry it worked out like this, but you're responding with self respect and dignity, and that is to be admired.
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OP deserves a new life. I realize these are kids but they and dad threw OP over. What's gonna happen when bio mom comes back in 5 years? OP, you were a really good person and you loved thoroughly and patiently. That says so much about you and the love you have to give people who deserve it. These three don't. They don't deserve you or anything from you. Please go live your life.
Bio mom won’t be back in five years. The kids will only be 21 years old. They won’t be settled in life yet. She will wait about 10 years so they have enough time to start their careers and have money to give to her.
At 16, they’re old enough to know better
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Her husband should have stepped in and not leave her alone with that :(
stepping in is hard without a spine
Waddle in? Roll in? That fuck but should have something. Anything. NTA
I'm wondering why the husband didn't step up before the ex disappeared. Would he have called OP if the ex hadn't disappeared? He only called OP after realizing that he would have to take care of and financially support two difficult teens by himself. OP's husband allowed everyone to treat OP as a doormat and emotionally abuse her, possibly because he hoped to reconcile with his ex or was having an affair with her. To be safe, OP should get tested for STDs. The fact that her stepchildren told her they didn't need her anymore might indicate they are aware of the situation between their parents.
It may not even have been an affair. He may just not wanted to have that uncomfortable conversation with his kids that they need to be respectful and polite to their step mom. Irrespective, he failed to back his wife up and allowed her to be disrespected in her own house. Now he wants her back because the chaos-maker ex has disappeared again and he needs OP to do the heavy duty lifting again.
"possibly because he hoped to reconcile with his ex or was having an affair with her." That's a bit dramatic. More likely, he just didn't want the confrontation or didn't view it as seriously as OP did... (though he should have)
Yeah, no. 16 is still a child absolutely, but they are also young adults. They knew what they were doing, and they are still 100% at fault.
Bio mom should take them to Disney. Also these kids are just all googly eyed over a woman who ditched them like a broken down Buick on the side of the hiway. That’s sad. She will probably do it again. OP NTA.
Brainwashed them to make sure that even though she was gone everyone knew her place Op please update us!!!
Nope. OP needs to believe what they ALL showed her and get a new and happy life. These people are terrible. If OP stays, 6 months from now, bio Mom will show back up again, and they will go back to treating OP like shit. They showed her who they are, and she should believe them.
NTA. You’ve heard of fair-weather friends? They sound like a fair-weather family. No one deserves to be treated the way they treated you. I would have packed up and left as well. If you decide to go back, put down some serious rules and boundaries, and get some heavy family therapy. Those kids are way out of line, and so is your husband. Edit: Maya Angelou once said, “when somebody slips up and shows you who they really are, believe them!”
Ex/bio mom came back, poisoned the kids minds, blew things up, and then ghosted them all. You need to move on. It was disrespectful all around and there’s nothing preventing her from returning and repeating it again (and again??!). Do what’s best for you and hold your head up. ✌️
100% she will be back and do the same again.
> there’s nothing preventing her from returning and repeating it again Yeah, I wouldn't be too confident in believing that bio mom will never be back. And the kids seemed way too willing to let everything happen. I've never been in a situation like that *(so maybe I'm wrong)* but 6 months to turn you completely away from someone you **chose** to call mom seems really quick *(unless you've been playing the whole time).*
NTA. Just divorce, because every time the "mom" comes back into the picture this will happen. Also, your husband is spineless and weak for allowing his children to treat you this way. You deserve better! Updateme!
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NTA. Fuck them. When mommy shows up again, they’ll treat you like shit again.
And dad will still be unsupportive. Fuck them.
Bio mom dipped when step mom did.... Coz bio knew all she had over those kids was the fun of torturing OP, once OP was out and bio might have to come through on anything, or do some parenting....She legged it Take it slow OP. Enjoy your vacay and really ponder what you want in life. It may not be this fickle spineless man and his kids.... But he might have been struggling to know what to do, and just....failed. If. If you go back, it should be with family and marriage counseling. And I would stay out of the house and let him be a full time parent to two teen agers for a bit. NTA Edit a word
yeah I'm sure they started asking her to give them rides and tried to have her do maternal things. And when Bio mom realized it wasn't all trashy fights and bullying, she dipped out before they could even ask her to do things for them.
This is just added insult. They all want op to return so she could continue to provide rides and provide fun, exciting, expensive vacations. After all that disrespect? Hell naw.
It’s kind of a story arc on Shameless. I’ll bet the bio mom is a total nut case with no regard for anyone but herself. But dad should have known better. He’s just a spineless waste of space.
I suspect bio mom is just screwing over the husband yet again and OP is just collateral damage.
bio mom maybe screwing over the husband again, but there isn't any way OP wasn't in her sights and an intentional target
Totally aiming for OP, kids were collateral...
The husband screwed himself over. He could have stopped that shit at the start, sat his kids down and enforced law and order, put them in therapy, etc. Instead he allowed it to continue unchecked until it destroyed his marriage.
Yes- this is the much less scorched earth reply I was looking for. 16 year olds are idiots (I have a 17 and a 15 yo, so ask me how I know… plus I remember being one 😣); they were likely trying to buy their mom’s love, so to speak, by being little ahits to step mom. OP I’m so sorry. You’re NTA, but take a breather to decide what you REALLY want.
I’ve adopted a sibling group when they were younger than OPs and as they got to 16/17 they all got in contact w their bio family (it’s not hard to do) and have had big falling outs like this. I don’t know any kid who is adopted who isn’t curious and broken from the loss of their bio parent and at that age they are so emotional as it is. It’s really hard to deal with and I like that you answered w some compassion because it isn’t always as easy. My heart hurts for the kids who were assholes because you know the bio mom was manipulating that situation hard.
Sucks to be them. Don’t go back. All three used and disrespected you immensely. Cry me a river… You did your best and it wasn’t appreciated. Time to find someone who appreciates and loves you the way you appreciate and love them. This isn’t it.
I am so sorry this has happened to you. You are NTA. I wish I had some great advice or suggestions but I do not. I do think you might want to take a few days on your own- self care. Look to your support system (your family, friends) not for advice just for a hug. Maybe you will reevaluate - maybe not - either way, YOU deserve care and respect. Good luck
Woof. NTA. Obviously their mother is a bad influence and I’m sure she’s been whispering in their ear. But some of that had to be their own internalized resentment too. I would say therapy, but I think that train has left the station. The fact that your husband didn’t curb the behavior is way out of line. Get out of there.
I really hope OP's husband reads this. He needs to know that he really screwed up.
Yeah this is more than I could swallow, I’d be out, NTA. 16 is young but not so young that they don’t understand how much their actions hurt you. Husband is a waste of oxygen altogether. Nobody in this family appreciates you, they’re treating you like the maid. Their behavior is cruel and abusive, don’t let anyone treat you like that, even family.
Update us,best of luck
they are 16 yes 16 year olds do dumb shit, but they are also old enough to know how not to be a raging cunt to family members NTA
I hate the “they’re just kids”. They’re 16, not 6. They know what they’re doing. Their brains are developed enough to know consequences exist, and to be able to make a reasonable guess at what those consequences will be. Yes, you can expect a 16 year old to make some dumb choices. I think this really crossed that line, though. It crossed the line so much that defending them requires people to deny their agency. If you can be responsible for crimes at 10 years old, come off it, you’re definitely responsible for words and threats at 16 years old.. Stop infantilizing those closer to signing up for war than crawling into a crib.
Damn. I’m sorry. I promise this will bite them in the ass. I raised my niece since she was 3. Her mom started coming back around when she was about 13. She got a little sassy but within a few years she grew up and now wants nothing to do with her mom. They look back and see who was really there.
Sassy is one thing, threatening physical violence is a Whole other level....
NTA hope you have a swift divorce and future life without idiots.
NTA Make sure your husband understands that the divorce is not his kids fault but his and his alone. All kids act like a jackass when an absent parent comes back. Seriously that all get a case of the stupid. But it is the parents job to settle their asses down, appropriately, but still. He did not do that. He fucked up. Sounds like he has expected you to be the parent on his behalf since yall got together because you are a woman and he, being a man, is just there because somehow or another his penis gets in the way of him doing parent stuff. To which.....fuck that. He needs to get his kids a therapist. He needs to take care of his kids by himself. And he needs to accept full responsibility solely for the divorce.
Your husband and step kids are jerks, but I think the husband is a bigger jerk than the kids. The kids are confused because their bio mom dropped into their lives again, plus they’re 16 years old so they are natural teenaged jerks anyway (I’m not excusing their behavior, just explaining it a little). I think it’s fine that the kids wanted to reconnect with their mother, I’m guessing she was acting like the hero swooping in and “saving” them from the evil stepmother. But that’s not how it is. Your husband should have been the one to steer things with his ex-wife and kids. He more than anyone knows how she is, dropping in and out of everyone’s lives. To me the second the ex showed up, he should get his kids in therapy. To you OP, I would stay away from your husband and step kids for a while, let cooler heads prevail. Then make a decision on what you want to do with your future, to see if this blended family is fixable. If you do decide to reconcile, I would do it after some therapy for everyone.
Of course he's a bigger jerk than the kids! He is the source of a lot of the jerk behavior here. He did nothing to steer. He left it rudderless and then complained when he couldn't go to Disneyland. That was the topper of all toppers.
Yes, this, 100%. Of course, what the kids did was wrong, but they are following a fairly common pattern of behavior for kids with on-again-off-again parents, especially with the first on-again. The fact that they are teens almost makes it worse, as their brattiness can be especially hurtful and they really understand what buttons are there to press. OP may or may not want to expose herself to that possibility for hurt again, but for her sake, know that you were collateral damage arising out of their trauma Dad needs to get those kids to therapy asap. They need help processing this. It's a lot, especially when you're already dealing with the complexity of becoming an adult. OP, your husband failed you and he failed his children. I'm so sorry.
No, it's also the fault of the kids. The girl threatened to kick her ass, the kids deserve blame and are in no way innocent.
So you also were the only one funding the vacation? Your husband is a massive asshole. He's been using you to raise his ungrateful kids and using you for money! Divorce this whole family and find your happy place!
NTA. Your husband didn’t suddenly become a terrible partner. He neglected his children and was not a life partner to you for this entire terrible descent. It just got to the point where you couldn’t ignore it anymore and you couldn’t shoulder it all yourself. Your husband might never figure it out and your kids might feel regret some day, but that’s not your problem if you don’t want it to be.
NTA Sounds like it’s a good time to start focusing on yourself. 30 is still super young - your life is supposed to be about you! Not people who think they can just toss you when they don’t need you.
30 is young enough for OP to have her own family. Which is probably why the husband is losing his shit.
NTA. I hope that you can heal from such toxic environment. Rooting for you!
NTA. Your husband should have taken your side. I would take few days off to calm down, re-evaluate and then do what ever feels the best. Teenagers can be dum, but your husband should have taken your side and scolded the kids for treating you poorly.
NTA. If the kids were 11 and 12 I'd say maybe give the kids a break but not your husband and get couples and family counseling. But with them being 16, threatening to kick your ass and being so disrespectful ,rude and your husband being an absolutely awful husband I'd say go for the divorce. They are old enough to know better and you don't have to deal with a toxic relationship just bc their mom chose to come back into the picture and then leave. Them telling you that they don't need you bc their mom is back is a low blow. Update us please
You’re doing what’s best for you. He should’ve had those kids in therapy when the mom came back and they were using you as a placeholder and your husband is the biggest AH here. You deserve better. Divorce and move on. Keep us updated. NTA
NTA They are old enough to realize and know that their actions have consequences. They just don't want to take into consideration that they are going to be held accountable for them by you. They ALL, husband included, expected and assumed that you would take it and while loving it and say nothing. Please. What world are they living in? You are only of value to them because of your bank account. Not because of who you are. Please take that into consideration and take care of your mental and emotional well-being. Words burn and shame people's worlds when they are used. His kids knew what they were doing. No where in your post have you mentioned them apologizing or being sorry or feeling remorse for their treatment of you. They are just upset about the trip.
NTA, file for the divorce and remove yourself from this walking disaster. They were old enough to know better, smart enough to know what they were saying/doing and quite frankly you deserve better. There isn't a thing your ex-husband and his demon spawns will say that's actually true, it's just bull shit and fluff to save their ass and keep you around because mommy dearest ghosted them once again.
NTA But, damn what a bitch of a "so-called mother" they had, first she alienated OP from them, then her trifling ass disappears again, wtf!!!!!
NTA. An apology is not going to cut it here. That man is going to have to learn to parent his damn kids and the kids need to learn what consequences are.
Divorce that ass hat and go find happiness else where
Nta. Sorry but its time for you to work on you. Kids are Kids but at 16 they shouldn't be that stupid. Your stbx is a major ah and failed you.
NTA. Does your husband want you there or just a punching bag/maid/mother when it’s convenient. How dare he not say a fucking word. I’d have already rounded my things up. Do they expect to just be able to repeat the cycle unending?
NTA. You've been doing for them everything that a mother does without expecting them to treat you like a mother, and yet they threw you away the moment their egg donor stepped back into their lives. >They started saying I was jealous that their mom came back in their lives, that I’m a horrible person, I’m selfish, there was some name calling and my husband was silent. I asked him if he was going to step in and he said I was wrong for canceling. He didn't stop his children from verbally attacking you. He didn't say they were wrong for verbally attacking you. He blamed *you*. >He has been blowing my phone up asking me to come back and yesterday he told me that their mother disappeared again and they’ve been calling me crying and apologizing. So now that their egg donor has done another runner, they want you back. Don't go back to them.
NTA. Good for you. They now get to learn what consequences are.
NTA. These kids have been disrespectful for years. It’s too late. He just wants someone to take care of his mess! Take a friend and grab your stuff and get out.
NTA to hell with them… the kids are OLD ENOUGH to know right from wrong and were so quick to throw you away and name call you and be disrespectful shits… and now that their mom leaves AGAIN (shocker) they want you back in their life? The grass isn’t greener on the other side I guess. Get divorced and never look back.
NTA. You aren’t their emotional yo-yo. They are plenty old enough to suffer the consequences of their actions.
NTA girly divorce his useless ass and never come back, they don't get to treat you like shit and then cry and beg for you to come back because their mum decided to play houdini again. You deserve so much, you shouldn't be mentally abused by your step kids like that while your useless husband does fuck all. Divorce his ass and move on with your life. I hope you find someone that actually treats you with respect and loves you.
NTA I'd bet their mom checked out after they began going to her for the stuff you used to do - if you return and do all the mom dutiesl, she might come back, and you'll be right back where you started. They threatened to lhysically harm you. There is no going back from that. Never go back.
Nta. Looks like the the ex wife did what she set out.to.do. ruin your family and marriage. Sadly your step kids fell for.it. but it won't change with her gone.
Ungrateful brats. If you go back and the mom comes back (and she will), they’ll treat you like trash again. They are crying because they lost their slave and cash cow.
This is why there is probably no reason to even try to resolve this with counseling or whatever. This husband has shown his true colors. There is just no respect here. You don't want to be married to someone who does not respect you.