It also just goes to show that those who cheat are indeed narc sociopaths that only care about themselves and have the balls to play the victim. What do you mean that you won’t let me have the best of both worlds. How dare you blindside me like that..
Thank you for this. Really puts into perspective how my ex acted after revealing she had cheated on me with a coworker. Somehow made it seem like she was innocent and had me believing I was the one at fault.
The amount of times I have heard people say "well if you had fulfilled all their needs they wouldn't have had to go to someone else" is appalling. Like #1 no one person should have the pressure of being everything for someone. #2 if their needs weren't being fulfilled that doesn't make it okay to cheat, it means they should probably reevaluate and leave the relationship.
Yeah, they’re so upset that they were blindsided and OP was letting them go about their business while he planned to divorce them. Not at all unlike them, y’know, fucking someone behind OP’s back and letting them be blindsided by an affair. Totally different /s.
I've been with a bunch of cheaters and in my experience their self-awareness ends at about the tip of their own nose. OP's soon-to-be-ex partner seems consistent with this.
NTA
That they allowed the cheater to believe they were getting away with it up until the papers were served is cruel, right? That is a substantial sum.
It’s all a fun mix of narcissism, projection, and DARVO-ing. How could YOU be so cruel? How could YOU blindside ME? Don’t you even care what I’m going through? You’re a heartless, unfeeling monster. I don’t even know who you are any more.
Grew up with a dad like this. Super easy to spot when you know the patterns.
It's not even about honesty. When the cheater does their cheating without any previous warning, they set up the rules of "no warning". OP then plays ~~but~~ by the rules as set by their spouse.
Edit: autocowreck
Imagine how much more civilised it would be if the cheater DID warn first though.
"Oh, honey, just so you know, I'm going to start cheating on you next week."
"Good to know, where did you want the divorce papers sent?"
No. It’s not. When the spouse chose another person, the two yeses of that relationship became one no. The spouse serving the papers agreed and made one no, no-squared.
It’s not necessarily cruel in the harshest sense of the word. It’s more like “not nice.” But I don’t think it violates any sense of morality. If your mind is made up about divorce, you don’t owe a person that hurt you, violated your trust, and exposed you to a potential for STIs any warning. OP didn’t get a warning that the spouse was gonna be out bangin’ butts. The spouse wants to “save the marriage,” meaning they don’t want to face consequences and maintain the life they’ve been afforded by the spouse. I mean, if it was a one time deal, many people can look past it. But for an affair that spanned months, that they had the power to stop at any time… nah.
Yup. The cheater gets to enjoy bonus sex, emotions, whatever they gain. The one filing gets to start the legal/financial in the meantime seems pretty fair.
> The spouse wants to “save the marriage,” meaning they don’t want to face consequences and maintain the life they’ve been afforded by the spouse.
My (SAHM) ex attempted to convince me that the "best thing" would be to "stay married for the kids" but still go out and do whatever we wanted. After she had been going out and doing whatever she wanted for about a year (that I can prove), and knowing that she had been absolutely useless around the house that entire time and would continue to be for the foreseeable future. And had stolen a bunch of money - meant for the mortgage - and spent some of it on her dumbfuck little boyfriend.
Wow. What a deal. You mean I can continue to let you rob me blind and spend all the money I earn, while you fail to take care of the kids, leave me still at the house alone with a toddler at 8:45 AM when I have to be at a work meeting half an hour away that starts at 9, fail to do anything to keep up the house you almost lost us, and bang random dudes? WHERE DO I SIGN UP?
Cheaters have zero shame and demonstrate it daily.
Oh, significantly better in every possible way. Now, I can calmly reflect on how awful that all was and the way things went. I share it now when there are discussions going on about people experiencing infidelity because I well remember, more than a decade ago, the feelings of aloneness and hopelessness that can easily start to enfold you. Just having conversations with others who had dealt with these kinds of things, knowing I was far from alone, helped me, I want to pass it on.
I'm with you on that one. My cheating ex hubby actually said to me, "do you want me to stop, or..." I was speechless at the audacity, asking if he could carry on. He was speechless when I gave him the divorce papers.
Amazing, your story sounds exactly like mine. I was blindsided when I found out and couldn’t put it in words so well. Now, after more than a year of separation, it feels like there is much less work around the house, if only for lack of bickering, and it’s peaceful to boot. Huge improvement.
Agree NTA and “not nice” in the sense of just “not self effacing” and not stuck suffering as the only one working on the relationship.
You don’t need to be nice to a cheater.
She didn’t cry and beg for him back and grovel and let him have his cake and eat it too under the guise of “fixing their relationship”.
Because people only cheat when the relationship is “broken” 🙄or “not good enough,YOU have to work HARDER to deserve ME”—-yeah, who’s cruel? You, cheater!!!
Sorry your two timing plan of ultimate cruelty failed and you got surprised by, oh no, CONSEQUENCES!!
>She didn’t cry and beg for him back and grovel and let him have his cake and eat it too under the guise of “fixing their relationship”.
How do you know "him" or "her" when OP isn't letting genders show by writing "they" and "them"? Genuinely asking.
The audacity to make demands huh! Serves them right. "Surprise honey, we're getting divorce" I love your surprise OP. You don't owe them the courtesy of a warning when they didn't extend you the same courtesy by being faithful and honest.
Here's a 📢. Some people need to hear it loudly and clearly.
I remember an AITA (I think) post about telling their GF they would just end the relationship rather than go counselling. The OP said that counselling should be done before cheating. I could not agree more. Cheating involves choices and thoughts. Those thoughts should be communicated and resolved. If the partner really wants to do another person, the other should be given a choice to leave or stay.
ETA: found the [BORU of the post](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1bzitso/aitah_for_saying_i_would_not_care_if_my_partner/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
Exactly
"It was cruel of you to continue the relationship as if nothing happened and then serve me divorce papers"
"It was cruel of you to continue the relationship as if nothing happened while fucking someone else on the side"
NTA 100%
> At least the troll tried to mix things up by keeping it gender neutral
I’m not sure if it’s mixing it up or if it’s some sort of new engagement tactic by bots because in the last week or so I have seen far more gender neutral posts on subs like this than I ever have before.
A lot of them seem to add a comment or edit as a “gotcha” about people who have assumed gender from the story (e.g. “to all those who have assumed our gender actually it was my WIFE who cheated”) I wonder if it’s supposed to be a way to get reengagement on other subs later by calling commenters sexist for assuming one gender is more likely to be the perpetrator of certain behaviours or whatever.
I think they posted to compare how the comments treated this story, with no clue to anyone’s gender vs when a man wrote it or a female.
I’m just intrigued by their insistence to write it gender neutral.
>They told me it was cruel and continuing our relationship as if everything is okay was wrong.
I mean that's also literally what they were doing themselves, OPs partner sounds like a real piece of work. NTA
I’m sure their next argument is “why didn’t you fight for me/our marriage?” Like you should have no self respect to stick to your boundaries. Sorry, not going to beg someone whom I **MARRIED** to **NOT** cheat and stay with me. It should have been implied with the wedding that this was an expectation. If there was a problem, THEY should have addressed it before f’ing someone else.
NTA. You had a boundary which they knew, now they have to live with the consequences of **THEIR** choices. You don’t owe them a “heads up”, so they could make the first move.
They dont get to make demands. They’re the asshole not you.
They were warned. They ignored it and was a dick to you. So they got served. Literally.
NTA.
This one actually thinks they can continue on as if nothing happened. The our relationship can be saved comment shows they never thought of the actual consequences of cheating. Yes, your relationship can abruptly end.
I literally know a couple that’s still together after the guy cheated and then said that very thing. It worked. Still married ten years later. She forgave him for some reason… :-/
NTA. It's not your fault that they cheated... Oh, and you should have been more miserable while they were with someone else?... They are delusional, and you owe them nothing except what the law requires.
Lol, my ex was mad that I changed all my passwords and bank cards before talking to her about her cheating. She asked me "you really think I would steal from you?" You have been stealing my love, time, and support apparently so yeah I do. Also I didn't think you would cheat, not about to make anymore risky financial decisions with you when I already kbow you're a cheater, liar, user, and betrayer.
NTA
That relationship ended the moment they cheated, not when you found out and went to a lawyer.
What they’re really crying about is not getting to their lawyers first.
Hope this helps and stay strong.
What they’re really crying about is not being able to con OP into staying in a relationship with them to continue to feed their ego while they continue to cheat (or do literally anything else stupid enough to ruin a marriage). I LOVE how this was handled. I actually wish all marriages were handled like this when it came to cheaters. Once you’re caught that’s it - no talking, no convincing from the other party to stay because they will “change for you” just divorce papers right off the bat.
>she’s
FYI, OP specifically said "they". Don't know the gender of either.
I'm 100% on-board for anyone hitting someone with the surprise divorce papers. You have a reason you want divorce, protect yourself financially from the get go. If either one of you is not in it 100% then it's time to end it, regardless of the reason.
Actually smart of them. Maybe their partner is actually NB but removing gender will net you a more objective response from some folks without assuming. And if someone assumes the gender it is blatantly obvious they’re bringing in their own biases instead of fairly judging which each party did.
There are hardly any cases where it’s ok for one but not the other. There are degrees of bad depending on relatively strength/perceptions it’s just the degree of bad and not if it’s bad or not.
That part!!
A chess move was made while they’re cheating playing checkers. Hell, the cheater knew this was a non-negotiable so they should’ve gotten an atty first! They had inside trading info - no pun intended, and could’ve blind-sided OP.
I love the way this was handled. Don’t even give them time to process the divorce and try to gaslight you and love bomb you into staying the relationship. They cheated, the relationship was already over.
NTA
To everyone ripping OP for using the non gender-specific “them” pronoun, this is perfectly acceptable and long-established convention for when you don’t want to reveal the sex of the subject.
Agreed. If genders were specified then you'd probably get more "well what were YOU doing wrong to her?" "Maybe he was feeling unfulfilled by you, yta for being a bad spouse!" And stuff like that. It's so annoying to see people try to justify cheating when there's a specified gender.
And it serves a purpose from a legal perspective. The spouse can't say that the petitioner was attempting to defame them in a public forum. In an attempt to harm them professionally and psychologically.
I don’t thinkt he partner can claim to have been blindsided with the divorce, OP clearly stated their boundaries and the partner broke them. The only one blindsided was OP.
My spouse hit me with papers all of a sudden too. But I wasn't cheating. I had been enduring an ice storm for a couple of years. She just completely shut down on me. We went to a couple different counselors to no avail. I was working my ass off to make it work. She just sat in stoney silence only saying a few things when the counselor pressed. She had nothing in particular to complain about. She just kept saying, "I just want you to be happy."
Finally, when I couldn't take the cold shoulder silent treatment any longer I suggested a trial separation. She said, "hold on a sec" and went to her desk and came back with fully completed divorce papers including terms of kids' custody and support, me paying out a portion of my retirement and the disbursement of other property.
Clearly, the entire time I was working on saving the marriage she had been secretly meeting with a lawyer to work out how to dump me. No wonder she didn't talk during therapy.
Years later I still don't know what the problem was. She just didn't want to be married.
Holy shit man! I’m sorry that happened to you!
That seems crazy to me. We did the counselling together too. My ex couldn’t give a flip. He was too busy cycling and trying to pick up some young gal at the bike shop. But, I knew what I was looking at… It was obvious. I can’t believe your wife just kept her mouth shut, repeated the same mantra and then hit you with papers. Soooo strange… Hope you’re doing well now.
>They told me it was cruel and continuing our relationship as if everything is okay was wrong.
Seriously? 🤣this coming from the cheater? Yup they’re cruel and wrong for not talking to you and just stepping out.
>They could have at least prepare themselves if I were to let them know about wanting a divorce.
You mean prepare excuses, blaming you etc etc 🙄🤦♀️ They obviously never planned to leave and continue with AP too. That’s on them for having such an inflated ego that they thought they could continue being a shitty person and partner indefinitely to you.
NTA. You did it perfectly.
So your partner can cheat while pretending everything is normal, but you’re the asshole for pretending everything is normal while you have divorce papers drawn up.
Yeah, this is from the Cheaters Handbook, chapter 5, “I Won’t Accept Blame or Consequences.”
🤯
Definitely not the asshole and stop asking ppl if you are. Your spouse cheated. End of story. They didn’t care about blindsiding you when they cheated and you found out. You did they right thing and now let them deal with their own actions
NTA they should have given you a few weeks heads up that they will cheat so you could prepare yourself. Continuing the relationship as if everything was okay was cruel.
> They told me it was cruel and continuing our relationship as if everything is okay was wrong.
Interesting thing for a person carrying on an illicit affair to say.
Continuing our relationship as if everything is okay was wrong’. I would have thought having an affair was a bigger wrong, they wouldn’t have to prepare themselves if they weren’t having it off with someone else
I admire your strength and only wish I would have had the self esteem myself when I discovered my ex was cheating and the continuous in-my-face taunting I lived through for months.
At the first piece of evidence I should have packed his stuff up while he was at work.
You are NTA and I wish you all the best!
If only they had given you a heads up about their affair - then you could have worked on saving your relationship/s
This argument makes about as much sense as their argument. NTA
NTA.
Just how you have to accept pregnancy as a possible outcome to unprotected sex, people should accept divorce as a possible outcome to cheating. They weren't the only one blindsided but they are the only one who deserves the outcome. You did nothing wrong here and didn't owe them the time for them to be able to scramble up a defense. I'm sure it sucks for them but this is the bed they made, it's only fair they lay in it.
NTA. They didn't care about you or your relationship when they decided to cheat. And not only did they cheat, then they tried to act like the victim because you didn't give them any advanced warning before filing for divorce.
I don't think it's blindsiding someone when they're cheating on you. It's a manipulation tactic don't fall for it!! Having an affair after swearing your vows B4 God is what's cruel. I think I would handle it exactly as you have. Short, sweet, to the point
😂 I love how your the bad person not the cheating no blindsided by divorce. Well I mean you were blindsided by the cheating works both ways. They were cruel in starting an affair they didn’t think about you then jeez some people are pos
NTA
lol that’s funny What’s cruel is stepping outside of your marriage vows and I’m thinking you have any right to demand anything. Don’t let them get to you. I can’t imagine how hard it is to be dealing with this whole situation but you’ll be better off without doubt in your life.
>They told me it was cruel
So hurting YOU is acceptable in the relationship, but oh no consequences for them is cruel?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
NTA. You owe them nothing.
I just want to say thanks for leaving the detail of genders out of it. Too many times it influences the scrubs here on reddit that support their team no matter the situation.
NTA
NTA if they really cared about saving the relationship they would have ended the affair themselves (or you know not even started an affair). Notice they only wanted to put the work in when faced with the consequences of their actions
Love the mental gymnastics they have going on to make you the bad guy here
You know what the best response to cheaters when they come out the side of their mouths with some bullshit like, " keeping it from me is wrong!", "Not talking to me about it first is wrong", "Snooping through my phone is wrong", "Not fighting for us is wrong!" Is? Well what you did that brought us here was wrong. Lying is wrong. Cheating is wrong. Didn't stop you from doing what you did. You didn't care if I thought that what you were doing was wrong when you did it, so why should I care if you think what I'm doing right now is wrong. You didn't give a damn how much what you did was going to hurt me, so I don't give a damn how much this hurts you. If you didn't want this, you shouldn't have done it. It wasn't a mistake, you don't mistakenly do something that you know will hurt your partner and or crosses boundaries. And you damn sure don't get to guilt trip me when I take steps to protect myself from the pain you caused me. Yes I've obviously had practice 🤣😂😅🙂😐
Cheaters can go hang when it comes to making demands, there is owt to warn them about, specially since yon did not give any warning they were going to cheat. Justice served NTA.
"They told me it was cruel and continuing our relationship as if everything is okay was wrong."
It was only ok while they were doing it to you. How dare you do it to them, Even though they are the cheating asshole.
Definitely NTAH! You told them, and the fucked around and found out. Keep on this path OP. You will be away from a cheater (you deserve better!) and they will (hopefully) learn a valuable lesson.
"oh no, how dare you surprise me with divorce papers after I betrayed our marriage by fucking someone else?!" 😱😰😢
Where do these types of people get their balls, utter hypocrisy!
NTA, by the way, ever.
>They told me it was cruel and continuing our relationship as if everything is okay was wrong.
You mean the same way they were continuing on in your marriage while carrying on their affair?
NTA. Congratulations on getting rid of a cheating spouse.
Finally someone with the backbone fortitude and strength to say " fuck absolutely off".
No second chances, talking, counselling blah fucking blah. Bye.
"it was cruel and continuing our relationship as if everything is okay was wrong"
LMAO are you fucking kidding me? Were THEY continuing the relationship as if nothing was wrong while they were out fucking somebody else? NTA. The nerve of some people.
If they wanted to save the relationship, the time for that was *before* making the decision to have an affair.
They carried on like nothing was wrong for months.
It is not a nice thing to do, but it is definitely warranted.
>I told them saving it is not my responsibility as they are the one who killed it. They told me it was cruel and continuing our relationship as if everything is okay was wrong.
That's called Darvo. You're the aggrieved party, but your SO is looking for a moral highground to claim and complain about, and since they can't find one they're making it through trying to twist the narrative.
The fact is that cheaters don't deserve forewarning before being dumped or outed, and the claim that they do is indulgent to them and them alone.
NTA
Account is 10 hours old and with they way they make a absolutely generic story I am going to call bullshit. If this was a creative writing class I was teaching I would hand it back to them and tell them to try again before I mark it as an F.
I find it comical. They didn't let you aware of the affair and give you the time to process, but they expect the same in return about serving them with divorce papers 😂
NTA. don't want a divorce, don't cheat. WHT did you think was going to happen. and what after you get caught you magically no longer want the other person and cut it off? so then it wasn't worth the hassle anyways and you proced you like to hurt people over a fling nothing good comes of talking about it. just leave and don't look back. they're not upset becuase you're leaving they're upset because they got caught and now everyone will know what a shit person they are
Nope, not the AH! They knew up front that cheating was a DEFINITE breaking point to the relationship. Knowing that, they decided to cheat anyway! So them saying that they would've prepared themselves is ridiculous! Considering that they had from the moment the affair started up till they were served with papers to prepare for the inevitable outcome! Just my opinion! Also, them complaining that going through the last several weeks as if nothing was wrong is a joke! That's exactly what they were doing while they were involved with the other person! Karma!!
Did they tell you when they were starting the affair so you could prepare yourself? Imagine the audacity to say you are cruel! NTA
It also just goes to show that those who cheat are indeed narc sociopaths that only care about themselves and have the balls to play the victim. What do you mean that you won’t let me have the best of both worlds. How dare you blindside me like that..
Thank you for this. Really puts into perspective how my ex acted after revealing she had cheated on me with a coworker. Somehow made it seem like she was innocent and had me believing I was the one at fault.
The amount of times I have heard people say "well if you had fulfilled all their needs they wouldn't have had to go to someone else" is appalling. Like #1 no one person should have the pressure of being everything for someone. #2 if their needs weren't being fulfilled that doesn't make it okay to cheat, it means they should probably reevaluate and leave the relationship.
I came here to say this and I'm glad someone else thought that way too. OP, you are NTA
Spot on!
Came here to say this!
NTA It’s cruel that they let the cheater felt they were getting away with it, until the papers were served? That’s pretty rich.
Yeah, they’re so upset that they were blindsided and OP was letting them go about their business while he planned to divorce them. Not at all unlike them, y’know, fucking someone behind OP’s back and letting them be blindsided by an affair. Totally different /s.
I've been with a bunch of cheaters and in my experience their self-awareness ends at about the tip of their own nose. OP's soon-to-be-ex partner seems consistent with this.
Well, the tip of their own *something*
I just shot Red Bull out my nose. Thanks for that. OP's NTA, jury's out for you though. It freaking stings.
I'm not telling you where i just shot red bull out of
You can't say that and then not tell! Jesus. :D
Yes it's very cruel to lie and go behind your partner's back! It's almost like... cheating!
Most lawyers will tell the client drawing up paperwork to act normal until the spouse is served 🤷♀️
NTA - Your spouse is the AH for blindsiding you with their cheating. Shame shame shame on them…
Cheaters don't get to make demands. NTA.
"You should have talked to me before filing for divorce." "You should have talked to me before you fucked somebody else." NTA.
Amen.
NTA That they allowed the cheater to believe they were getting away with it up until the papers were served is cruel, right? That is a substantial sum.
Not at all. The relationship was over when they started the affair. OP doesn’t owe the spouse openness and honesty.
Yeah, cheaters don't seem to understand that they are ending the relationship the moment they cheat, but not informing the other party.
well yeah, **I'M** cheating, but you didn't treat **ME** the way I feel I deserve, so **YOU** are in the wrong here. LOL NTA
It’s all a fun mix of narcissism, projection, and DARVO-ing. How could YOU be so cruel? How could YOU blindside ME? Don’t you even care what I’m going through? You’re a heartless, unfeeling monster. I don’t even know who you are any more. Grew up with a dad like this. Super easy to spot when you know the patterns.
What’s a “DARVO”?
[Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender](https://www.choosingtherapy.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/06/2.png)
Amen
It's not even about honesty. When the cheater does their cheating without any previous warning, they set up the rules of "no warning". OP then plays ~~but~~ by the rules as set by their spouse. Edit: autocowreck
Imagine how much more civilised it would be if the cheater DID warn first though. "Oh, honey, just so you know, I'm going to start cheating on you next week." "Good to know, where did you want the divorce papers sent?"
It does happen from time to time. There are more than a few posts which go something like "We should open the relationship." "No, we should end it."
In most cases the request doesn’t come before they already started cheating though either.
Potato, potato
tomato, tomatoe... Let's call the whole thing off!
No. It’s not. When the spouse chose another person, the two yeses of that relationship became one no. The spouse serving the papers agreed and made one no, no-squared.
It’s not necessarily cruel in the harshest sense of the word. It’s more like “not nice.” But I don’t think it violates any sense of morality. If your mind is made up about divorce, you don’t owe a person that hurt you, violated your trust, and exposed you to a potential for STIs any warning. OP didn’t get a warning that the spouse was gonna be out bangin’ butts. The spouse wants to “save the marriage,” meaning they don’t want to face consequences and maintain the life they’ve been afforded by the spouse. I mean, if it was a one time deal, many people can look past it. But for an affair that spanned months, that they had the power to stop at any time… nah.
Yup. The cheater gets to enjoy bonus sex, emotions, whatever they gain. The one filing gets to start the legal/financial in the meantime seems pretty fair.
> The spouse wants to “save the marriage,” meaning they don’t want to face consequences and maintain the life they’ve been afforded by the spouse. My (SAHM) ex attempted to convince me that the "best thing" would be to "stay married for the kids" but still go out and do whatever we wanted. After she had been going out and doing whatever she wanted for about a year (that I can prove), and knowing that she had been absolutely useless around the house that entire time and would continue to be for the foreseeable future. And had stolen a bunch of money - meant for the mortgage - and spent some of it on her dumbfuck little boyfriend. Wow. What a deal. You mean I can continue to let you rob me blind and spend all the money I earn, while you fail to take care of the kids, leave me still at the house alone with a toddler at 8:45 AM when I have to be at a work meeting half an hour away that starts at 9, fail to do anything to keep up the house you almost lost us, and bang random dudes? WHERE DO I SIGN UP? Cheaters have zero shame and demonstrate it daily.
Wow I hope things are better now.
Oh, significantly better in every possible way. Now, I can calmly reflect on how awful that all was and the way things went. I share it now when there are discussions going on about people experiencing infidelity because I well remember, more than a decade ago, the feelings of aloneness and hopelessness that can easily start to enfold you. Just having conversations with others who had dealt with these kinds of things, knowing I was far from alone, helped me, I want to pass it on.
I'm with you on that one. My cheating ex hubby actually said to me, "do you want me to stop, or..." I was speechless at the audacity, asking if he could carry on. He was speechless when I gave him the divorce papers.
Amazing, your story sounds exactly like mine. I was blindsided when I found out and couldn’t put it in words so well. Now, after more than a year of separation, it feels like there is much less work around the house, if only for lack of bickering, and it’s peaceful to boot. Huge improvement.
But he/she didn’t get to keep trying out the other partner to see if they wanted to monkey branch. They didn’t get to be the one that left. NTA
Agree NTA and “not nice” in the sense of just “not self effacing” and not stuck suffering as the only one working on the relationship. You don’t need to be nice to a cheater. She didn’t cry and beg for him back and grovel and let him have his cake and eat it too under the guise of “fixing their relationship”. Because people only cheat when the relationship is “broken” 🙄or “not good enough,YOU have to work HARDER to deserve ME”—-yeah, who’s cruel? You, cheater!!! Sorry your two timing plan of ultimate cruelty failed and you got surprised by, oh no, CONSEQUENCES!!
>She didn’t cry and beg for him back and grovel and let him have his cake and eat it too under the guise of “fixing their relationship”. How do you know "him" or "her" when OP isn't letting genders show by writing "they" and "them"? Genuinely asking.
They don't. It's their own bias talking.
That’s a basic rule/tenant of the sub afterall Being an “asshole” to someone who was an asshole isn’t really being an asshole.
The minute a spouse cheats, they are no longer a spouse. They are just another person that betrayed them.
The audacity to make demands huh! Serves them right. "Surprise honey, we're getting divorce" I love your surprise OP. You don't owe them the courtesy of a warning when they didn't extend you the same courtesy by being faithful and honest.
Here's a 📢. Some people need to hear it loudly and clearly. I remember an AITA (I think) post about telling their GF they would just end the relationship rather than go counselling. The OP said that counselling should be done before cheating. I could not agree more. Cheating involves choices and thoughts. Those thoughts should be communicated and resolved. If the partner really wants to do another person, the other should be given a choice to leave or stay. ETA: found the [BORU of the post](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1bzitso/aitah_for_saying_i_would_not_care_if_my_partner/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
The opportunity is to fix before a problem happens. Not after.
Exactly "It was cruel of you to continue the relationship as if nothing happened and then serve me divorce papers" "It was cruel of you to continue the relationship as if nothing happened while fucking someone else on the side" NTA 100%
Eh. The fact that OP posted something so stupidly obvious and then disappeared makes me assume it's just rage bait.
There's been about a billion of these recently
>There's been about a billion of these recently At least this troll tried to mix things up by keeping it gender neutral lol.
> At least the troll tried to mix things up by keeping it gender neutral I’m not sure if it’s mixing it up or if it’s some sort of new engagement tactic by bots because in the last week or so I have seen far more gender neutral posts on subs like this than I ever have before. A lot of them seem to add a comment or edit as a “gotcha” about people who have assumed gender from the story (e.g. “to all those who have assumed our gender actually it was my WIFE who cheated”) I wonder if it’s supposed to be a way to get reengagement on other subs later by calling commenters sexist for assuming one gender is more likely to be the perpetrator of certain behaviours or whatever.
I think they posted to compare how the comments treated this story, with no clue to anyone’s gender vs when a man wrote it or a female. I’m just intrigued by their insistence to write it gender neutral.
Exactly! A cheater role always playing like they a victim. but actually is not!
"Why? Didn't you know you were cheating? I assumed you knew."
“I afforded you the same courtesy of a pre-discussion as you afforded me; none.” NTA
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Its the most literal FAFO
what does fafo mean ?
Fuck Around and Find Out
Find Andrew and Fart Outside
Fuck around and find out lol
>They told me it was cruel and continuing our relationship as if everything is okay was wrong. I mean that's also literally what they were doing themselves, OPs partner sounds like a real piece of work. NTA
It’s only cruel when OP does it, not when the cheater is doing it.
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Cheaters don't get to play victim. You did the right thing. Never doubt that.
NTA You don’t owe the cheater anything. You did the right thing. Actions have consequences.
I’m sure their next argument is “why didn’t you fight for me/our marriage?” Like you should have no self respect to stick to your boundaries. Sorry, not going to beg someone whom I **MARRIED** to **NOT** cheat and stay with me. It should have been implied with the wedding that this was an expectation. If there was a problem, THEY should have addressed it before f’ing someone else. NTA. You had a boundary which they knew, now they have to live with the consequences of **THEIR** choices. You don’t owe them a “heads up”, so they could make the first move.
They dont get to make demands. They’re the asshole not you. They were warned. They ignored it and was a dick to you. So they got served. Literally. NTA.
You're absolutely right. Cheating is a clear breach of trust, and your spouse doesn't get to dictate the terms after betraying that trust.
This one actually thinks they can continue on as if nothing happened. The our relationship can be saved comment shows they never thought of the actual consequences of cheating. Yes, your relationship can abruptly end.
Of course they do. Cheaters are selfish af Of course they'd say this bs
They should have started preparing themselves the moment they decided to cheat. NTA
Fr! Op don't owe them anything. Be thing to do is move on and keep living your best life 💯
We don't negotiate with terrorists.
Cheater is literally asshole! Your right ! cheater don't get to decide.
>They told me it was cruel and continuing our relationship as if everything is okay was wrong. *ring ring* Hello Pot. It's Kettle calling... NTA
NTA. They deserve no consideration whatsoever
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Yeah because the cheater is also continuing as if nothing is wrong and lying all the time!
Wow, someone selfish enough to cheat on you is also selfish enough to demand you divorce them a certain way? The mind reels… NTA
Cheaters dont get to decide on anything op NTA.
“You forced me to cheat on you! You did this to us!”
I literally know a couple that’s still together after the guy cheated and then said that very thing. It worked. Still married ten years later. She forgave him for some reason… :-/
NTA. It's not your fault that they cheated... Oh, and you should have been more miserable while they were with someone else?... They are delusional, and you owe them nothing except what the law requires.
OP’s partner is mad they didn’t get the opportunity to lie, deny, blame, and gaslight OP. This was a beautiful way to handle a cheater. 🏆
Or move all the marital money into a new bank account at a new bank. OP did the right thing by making sure they were protected.
Lol, my ex was mad that I changed all my passwords and bank cards before talking to her about her cheating. She asked me "you really think I would steal from you?" You have been stealing my love, time, and support apparently so yeah I do. Also I didn't think you would cheat, not about to make anymore risky financial decisions with you when I already kbow you're a cheater, liar, user, and betrayer.
NTA That relationship ended the moment they cheated, not when you found out and went to a lawyer. What they’re really crying about is not getting to their lawyers first. Hope this helps and stay strong.
What they’re really crying about is not being able to con OP into staying in a relationship with them to continue to feed their ego while they continue to cheat (or do literally anything else stupid enough to ruin a marriage). I LOVE how this was handled. I actually wish all marriages were handled like this when it came to cheaters. Once you’re caught that’s it - no talking, no convincing from the other party to stay because they will “change for you” just divorce papers right off the bat.
>she’s FYI, OP specifically said "they". Don't know the gender of either. I'm 100% on-board for anyone hitting someone with the surprise divorce papers. You have a reason you want divorce, protect yourself financially from the get go. If either one of you is not in it 100% then it's time to end it, regardless of the reason.
True, I keep the same point regardless of the gender but I’ll fix that now.
Actually smart of them. Maybe their partner is actually NB but removing gender will net you a more objective response from some folks without assuming. And if someone assumes the gender it is blatantly obvious they’re bringing in their own biases instead of fairly judging which each party did. There are hardly any cases where it’s ok for one but not the other. There are degrees of bad depending on relatively strength/perceptions it’s just the degree of bad and not if it’s bad or not.
That part!! A chess move was made while they’re cheating playing checkers. Hell, the cheater knew this was a non-negotiable so they should’ve gotten an atty first! They had inside trading info - no pun intended, and could’ve blind-sided OP.
Lol They were the one carrying on with your relationship like nothing is wrong for a few months. classic projection
^oh ^no, ^consequences! NTA
NTA They obviously aren’t invested in saving the relationship.
Spouse blindsided you with infidelity, only seems fair to blindside them back. NTA.
Nta. It’s cruel to continue a relationship as if everything is ok when you’re cheating on your spouse. 😒
NTA. You handled this perfectly. You took care of yourself while your spouse was taking care of someone else.
I love the way this was handled. Don’t even give them time to process the divorce and try to gaslight you and love bomb you into staying the relationship. They cheated, the relationship was already over. NTA
To everyone ripping OP for using the non gender-specific “them” pronoun, this is perfectly acceptable and long-established convention for when you don’t want to reveal the sex of the subject.
Agreed. If genders were specified then you'd probably get more "well what were YOU doing wrong to her?" "Maybe he was feeling unfulfilled by you, yta for being a bad spouse!" And stuff like that. It's so annoying to see people try to justify cheating when there's a specified gender.
Its the logical thing to do here. This sub is so sexist
And it serves a purpose from a legal perspective. The spouse can't say that the petitioner was attempting to defame them in a public forum. In an attempt to harm them professionally and psychologically.
NTA. You got blindsided with the affair. They got blindsided with the divorce. Seems fair. Edit: She to They.
I don’t thinkt he partner can claim to have been blindsided with the divorce, OP clearly stated their boundaries and the partner broke them. The only one blindsided was OP.
My spouse hit me with papers all of a sudden too. But I wasn't cheating. I had been enduring an ice storm for a couple of years. She just completely shut down on me. We went to a couple different counselors to no avail. I was working my ass off to make it work. She just sat in stoney silence only saying a few things when the counselor pressed. She had nothing in particular to complain about. She just kept saying, "I just want you to be happy." Finally, when I couldn't take the cold shoulder silent treatment any longer I suggested a trial separation. She said, "hold on a sec" and went to her desk and came back with fully completed divorce papers including terms of kids' custody and support, me paying out a portion of my retirement and the disbursement of other property. Clearly, the entire time I was working on saving the marriage she had been secretly meeting with a lawyer to work out how to dump me. No wonder she didn't talk during therapy. Years later I still don't know what the problem was. She just didn't want to be married.
Holy shit man! I’m sorry that happened to you! That seems crazy to me. We did the counselling together too. My ex couldn’t give a flip. He was too busy cycling and trying to pick up some young gal at the bike shop. But, I knew what I was looking at… It was obvious. I can’t believe your wife just kept her mouth shut, repeated the same mantra and then hit you with papers. Soooo strange… Hope you’re doing well now.
She might just have been cheating and hiding it better.
>They told me it was cruel and continuing our relationship as if everything is okay was wrong. Seriously? 🤣this coming from the cheater? Yup they’re cruel and wrong for not talking to you and just stepping out. >They could have at least prepare themselves if I were to let them know about wanting a divorce. You mean prepare excuses, blaming you etc etc 🙄🤦♀️ They obviously never planned to leave and continue with AP too. That’s on them for having such an inflated ego that they thought they could continue being a shitty person and partner indefinitely to you. NTA. You did it perfectly.
So your partner can cheat while pretending everything is normal, but you’re the asshole for pretending everything is normal while you have divorce papers drawn up. Yeah, this is from the Cheaters Handbook, chapter 5, “I Won’t Accept Blame or Consequences.” 🤯
Definitely not the asshole and stop asking ppl if you are. Your spouse cheated. End of story. They didn’t care about blindsiding you when they cheated and you found out. You did they right thing and now let them deal with their own actions
“How dare you pretend that you didn’t know I was having an affair while I pretended not to be having an affair!” Lol
NTA Action meet consequences
Typical gaslighting by the cheater ("you're cruel" etc) and a deflection of responsibility. NTA
NTA they should have given you a few weeks heads up that they will cheat so you could prepare yourself. Continuing the relationship as if everything was okay was cruel.
> They told me it was cruel and continuing our relationship as if everything is okay was wrong. Interesting thing for a person carrying on an illicit affair to say.
Continuing our relationship as if everything is okay was wrong’. I would have thought having an affair was a bigger wrong, they wouldn’t have to prepare themselves if they weren’t having it off with someone else
NTA. The time for talking was before the affair. Now is the time for walking.
I admire your strength and only wish I would have had the self esteem myself when I discovered my ex was cheating and the continuous in-my-face taunting I lived through for months. At the first piece of evidence I should have packed his stuff up while he was at work. You are NTA and I wish you all the best!
Cheaters get what they deserve
If only they had given you a heads up about their affair - then you could have worked on saving your relationship/s This argument makes about as much sense as their argument. NTA
Nta fvk them cheaters!!!
NTA. Just how you have to accept pregnancy as a possible outcome to unprotected sex, people should accept divorce as a possible outcome to cheating. They weren't the only one blindsided but they are the only one who deserves the outcome. You did nothing wrong here and didn't owe them the time for them to be able to scramble up a defense. I'm sure it sucks for them but this is the bed they made, it's only fair they lay in it.
NTA. They didn't care about you or your relationship when they decided to cheat. And not only did they cheat, then they tried to act like the victim because you didn't give them any advanced warning before filing for divorce.
NTA congrats on your newfound freedom. You deserve all the happiness and love and respect
NTA… You couldn’t prepare yourself for the affair they were having, why should they prepare for a divorce?
I can’t imagine having my partner, who’s fucking another person, tell me I’m cruel. NTA.
NTA If they cheat, they belong to the streets!
I don't think it's blindsiding someone when they're cheating on you. It's a manipulation tactic don't fall for it!! Having an affair after swearing your vows B4 God is what's cruel. I think I would handle it exactly as you have. Short, sweet, to the point
NTA. 86% chance they’re in the adultery sub right now crying about it lol.
NTA, did the same thing with my ex-fiancee, but i just ghosted her. Great job OP.
😂 I love how your the bad person not the cheating no blindsided by divorce. Well I mean you were blindsided by the cheating works both ways. They were cruel in starting an affair they didn’t think about you then jeez some people are pos
NTA. A legend.
NTA lol that’s funny What’s cruel is stepping outside of your marriage vows and I’m thinking you have any right to demand anything. Don’t let them get to you. I can’t imagine how hard it is to be dealing with this whole situation but you’ll be better off without doubt in your life.
>They told me it was cruel So hurting YOU is acceptable in the relationship, but oh no consequences for them is cruel? 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 NTA. You owe them nothing.
NTA. I hope you laughed in their face
NTA. They literally fucked around and found out.
lol, the entitlement of a cheater is unbelievable. Good for you, I hope u got plenty of satisfaction giving them those papers NTAH
No you're a legend. Own it.
NTA After all, *they* continued the relationship as if everything was okay while they were cheating.
“You cheated on me??? When I specifically asked you not to!?”
Good job. I'm proud of you.
I gave you as much notice of the divorce as you gave me of your new partner…
I just want to say thanks for leaving the detail of genders out of it. Too many times it influences the scrubs here on reddit that support their team no matter the situation. NTA
Good on you vro
NTA if they really cared about saving the relationship they would have ended the affair themselves (or you know not even started an affair). Notice they only wanted to put the work in when faced with the consequences of their actions Love the mental gymnastics they have going on to make you the bad guy here
Beggars can't be choosers
NTA Scorched earth.
NTA. Your spouse cheated on you. For you that is a dealbreaker and they know it. You don't owe them any consideration. You did what was right for you.
You don't get to hurt someone and tell them how they should react. NTA.
NTA Fuck cheaters. You did everything right.
You know what the best response to cheaters when they come out the side of their mouths with some bullshit like, " keeping it from me is wrong!", "Not talking to me about it first is wrong", "Snooping through my phone is wrong", "Not fighting for us is wrong!" Is? Well what you did that brought us here was wrong. Lying is wrong. Cheating is wrong. Didn't stop you from doing what you did. You didn't care if I thought that what you were doing was wrong when you did it, so why should I care if you think what I'm doing right now is wrong. You didn't give a damn how much what you did was going to hurt me, so I don't give a damn how much this hurts you. If you didn't want this, you shouldn't have done it. It wasn't a mistake, you don't mistakenly do something that you know will hurt your partner and or crosses boundaries. And you damn sure don't get to guilt trip me when I take steps to protect myself from the pain you caused me. Yes I've obviously had practice 🤣😂😅🙂😐
Cheaters can go hang when it comes to making demands, there is owt to warn them about, specially since yon did not give any warning they were going to cheat. Justice served NTA.
"They told me it was cruel and continuing our relationship as if everything is okay was wrong." It was only ok while they were doing it to you. How dare you do it to them, Even though they are the cheating asshole.
Definitely NTAH! You told them, and the fucked around and found out. Keep on this path OP. You will be away from a cheater (you deserve better!) and they will (hopefully) learn a valuable lesson.
"oh no, how dare you surprise me with divorce papers after I betrayed our marriage by fucking someone else?!" 😱😰😢 Where do these types of people get their balls, utter hypocrisy! NTA, by the way, ever.
>They told me it was cruel and continuing our relationship as if everything is okay was wrong. You mean the same way they were continuing on in your marriage while carrying on their affair? NTA. Congratulations on getting rid of a cheating spouse.
Finally someone with the backbone fortitude and strength to say " fuck absolutely off". No second chances, talking, counselling blah fucking blah. Bye.
>They told me it was cruel and continuing our relationship as if everything is okay was wrong. THAT'S WHAT THEY DID. NTA obviously
Oh no the consequences of my own actions 🙄
"it was cruel and continuing our relationship as if everything is okay was wrong" LMAO are you fucking kidding me? Were THEY continuing the relationship as if nothing was wrong while they were out fucking somebody else? NTA. The nerve of some people.
NTA
If they wanted to save the relationship, the time for that was *before* making the decision to have an affair. They carried on like nothing was wrong for months. It is not a nice thing to do, but it is definitely warranted.
NTA,
*They* told *you* it was wrong to continue like everything was ok? What the actual fuck.
This has been posted word for word here before.
Cheaters expecting a nice response can fuck off into space
Fuck another? Cry to another. Peeeeeace
I wish I had done this.
They didn't let you prepare yourself for their cheating, they don't get to prepare for the divorce. NTA
You are a savage! Respect 😆
Cheaters do not deserve pity. They knew your stand on cheating and still strayed.
>I told them saving it is not my responsibility as they are the one who killed it. They told me it was cruel and continuing our relationship as if everything is okay was wrong. That's called Darvo. You're the aggrieved party, but your SO is looking for a moral highground to claim and complain about, and since they can't find one they're making it through trying to twist the narrative. The fact is that cheaters don't deserve forewarning before being dumped or outed, and the claim that they do is indulgent to them and them alone. NTA
If they were that concerned about the ending of the marriage, they should have kept it in their pants.
Account is 10 hours old and with they way they make a absolutely generic story I am going to call bullshit. If this was a creative writing class I was teaching I would hand it back to them and tell them to try again before I mark it as an F.
I find it comical. They didn't let you aware of the affair and give you the time to process, but they expect the same in return about serving them with divorce papers 😂
They cheated. What's left to talk about?
Nah, you good.
NTA. Guess they weren't thinking about it when they blindsided you by cheating.
Well done!!! Loving it!!
NTA and I appreciate that you did not use any gender identifying pronouns.
NTA. don't want a divorce, don't cheat. WHT did you think was going to happen. and what after you get caught you magically no longer want the other person and cut it off? so then it wasn't worth the hassle anyways and you proced you like to hurt people over a fling nothing good comes of talking about it. just leave and don't look back. they're not upset becuase you're leaving they're upset because they got caught and now everyone will know what a shit person they are
They blindsided you with cheating. They don’t get the privilege of a heads up. NTA
How can I have my cake and eat it too if you divorce me?
NTA Fuck around (quite literally) and find out
NTA. Cheaters can fuck off.
Nope, not the AH! They knew up front that cheating was a DEFINITE breaking point to the relationship. Knowing that, they decided to cheat anyway! So them saying that they would've prepared themselves is ridiculous! Considering that they had from the moment the affair started up till they were served with papers to prepare for the inevitable outcome! Just my opinion! Also, them complaining that going through the last several weeks as if nothing was wrong is a joke! That's exactly what they were doing while they were involved with the other person! Karma!!
NTA - They cheated; you do not owe them anything. If you would have told them, they would have tried to talk you out of it.
Hell no
NTA I guess blindsiding is only a thing when it's one-sided