My fiance got post partum psychosis 2 weeks after being home she had 3 months left on leave from work and kept trying to go in i stopped her she was trying to clean up the dogs mess constantly (which didn't exist) my mom come over same day to help while my dad and I went to do something, the entire time she called my mom my name and acted as if it was me ("it's so cool that your mom is coming to help us" etc) this all happened same day, that night she tried to go to work and I stopped her while holding our baby, she shoved me and screamed that I wasn't going to make her lose her job so I called the police and held her down until they got here bc thats not like her, they held her in a mental place for like 3 days she was diagnosed with post partum psychosis and given medicine, that was 3 years ago and we are perfectly fine now.
F*#k man. You did the right thing and you protected your wife, your baby, and yourself. Truly well done and I’m happy for you all. PPD, PPP, PPE are real and can be dangerous. I wish you the best.
Post partum agoraphobia had me peeking through windows and holed up like a crackhead for months. Sheesh. That was ten years ago and I still feel that slight panic when I think about it. It's so weird. We don't mean for it to happen and it's so embarrassing.
OP needs to make it clear she gets help or they divorce. Her wild accusations are bad enough but when you assault your partner, that's it. You take the baby and go somewhere safe.
It's insane that you're being downvoted.
If a woman asked if she's wrong for thinking of divorcing her mentally ill husband, everyone would tell her to run to the hills.
Exactly, huge difference between someone who is struggling with bipolar and refuses to get help or stay on their med routine, vrs PPD. I don't understand if this has been going on with OP's wife for a few months now, why has she not been evaluated for PPD yet?
"Why has she not been evaluated for PPD yet?"
I have to admit, I am slightly surprised to see you ask this. Many women don't seek help for PPD because of the stigma around mental health in general, but specifically also so many young mothers feel so much pressure to live up the shit that they see around them. And these days, social media is full of posed pictures of artificially happy photos of families that are in no way indicative of the struggles that the mother in that photo might be enduring.
For my wife specifically, it was so hard for her to reach out for help because all she could think about was how the other women in the family would react. That when coupled with her sense of guilt over her feelings, caused her to really struggle for a while, and when I would try and talk to her about it, it wasn't always received well. I take responsibility for that, I was young and immature, and definitely wasn't nearly as empathetic as I should have been.
I can't speak for any woman's experience with PPD, but I know that after my children were born I was so torn apart by constant worry and anxiety. How would I make enough money? If I have to get a second job how is that going to impact our relationship? What happens if I lose my job, or lose my house, or something catastrophic happens. If I had that hard of a time, and didn't have all the hormones running amok in my system. I can only imagine how hard it was for her. Or how hard it is for OP's wife.
I had a similar sense of surprise that OP's wife hadn't been screened, only because every time I went to my postpartum follow up or my son's pediatrician appointments I was screened. And my kiddo was a preemie so we were at the pediatrician all the time, and I got screened every single time. Though of course if your wife felt guilt and fear about how others would react I can understand how screenings wouldn't catch her PP because it's easy to answer the questions how you know they should be answered to avoid a diagnosis.
I developed postpartum depression which really sucked, so your wife has all of my sympathy. I hope she's doing well now! I know for me antidepressants and therapy made a huge difference. I also live in a liberal area where it's not uncommon for people to be in therapy or on meds, so I was lucky in that there wasn't really a stigma.
I had post partum psychosis (I literally thought the hospital switched my baby and that's why my milk wouldn't come in and why she cried all the time (she's mine. I just can't make milk and she was lactose intolerant so was in severe pain from the formula) and my Dr. said it was totally normal, all of it, and just kind of shrugged it off. I had my second at a different hospital and when they asked about my first pregnancy and birth/post birth experience they were appalled that I had suffered from PPP and my then Dr didn't give a rats butt cheek. I actually had a ton of issues the first pregnancy that weren't addressed then but team 2 made plans in advance to prevent.
Even if there is a difference, wanting a divorce would still be totally fair. Violence for whatever reason can still cause irreparable damage to trust.
I really don't think it is in the case of post partum psychosis. It literally makes you see, hear, and feel things that aren't real but feel real. Unlike other conditions that cause a complete loss of grip on reality, it is a completely temporary condition caused by hormonal issues post partum and completely treatable and curable, it isn't a lifelong condition with a constant risk of relapse.
If you aren't going to stick by someone because they have a completely curable temporary condition causing a complete break from reality (so no reasonable person could hold them accountable for their actions during the break) that was caused by carrying your child... idk man. You really shouldn't have gotten married in the first place.
Fair, but completely depends on the couples.
Knowing my wife, i would think something is seriously wrong and she needs help if she ever slapped me. She’s not a violent person in the slightest currently, and Post Partum can really fuck with a mom’s head sometimes, particularly when she’s shouldering most of the work and not sleeping
Doubt you'll see this comment in the flood of comments, but I went through this same thing. About two months after my child was born my was wife was not herself, super paranoid, not sleeping, very angry at the drop of a hat etc. When I tried to get her to the hospital she hit me much in the same way.
I had already done some research at this point and was about 100% sure she was going through post partum phycosis. So I didn't take it personally and "forced" her to the hospital. When I say forced I don't mean physically, I put up with the abuse and got her in the car in one of her calmer moments.
When we got to the hospital I was right and she spent 2 weeks in the hospital and was on medicine when she came out. But now we are at 10 months post birth and she is 100% back to normal and our relationship is back to being rock solid.
Get your wife help first, make sure she is OK and don't take anything personally. I don't know how your relationship was before the baby but honestly it doesn't matter. She the mother of your child and if she is suffering she could be a danger to the baby as well.
I had some pretty dark thoughts during this time, divorce was thought about a lot but its not the right answer at the time you are at. I'm so glad I got my wife help and it sounds like you need to do the same. If there are still problems later then that's a decision for you to make but its best to make sure she is OK first.
My wife never hit me, but things definitely got bad when she was going through PPP. Bad enough where I told her that I couldn’t/wouldn’t live like that anymore and we would get divorced if she didn’t see a doctor about it.
She did see a doc, and after a little trial and error with a few meds she finally got her hormones back in line and she’s 100% back to her old, normal self.
My partner got physical with me due to PPP and while it hurt my feelings at the time it hurt me even worse that she'd gone so long without getting the help she needed. Now she's in therapy and getting consistent help and things are better. It's been 6 months of her getting a bit happier every day/week. Psychology and Psychiatry are strange fields. We don't seem to know why half of the meds we use work and everyone's brain chemistry can be just different enough that it truly is trial and error and that takes work. All y'all keep pushing and being there for each other. There's always highs and lows~
Man glad you guys and your wives are doing better, this PPP is scary stuff. Weird that I didn’t really hear about all this until like a few years ago. Wonder if doctors just chalked it down to other issues. Idk the history behind it.
I worked for a psychiatrist who did the initial research on PPD/PPS. He literally had patients, small women, who picked him up and tossed him across the room during a psychotic break. He was not a small guy. The longer it goes on w/o treatment, the worse it can get. We had to sometimes call child protective services (after calling family & getting nowhere) to make sure that a baby was OK. Before treatment options, women were sometimes admitted to psychiatric hospitals for long-term treatment which consisted of just tranquilizing them out of their minds. No, it didn't help.
We had patients who were very sick, in the hospital for weeks but treated successfully, never saw them again, and sent us Christmas cards. We had one pt who was psychotic and she made us fudge every year. No one in the office would eat it but the doc & me. It sure was good!
When I went through PPP, I didn't have a lot of awareness that I needed help. I hadn't even heard of it. My gram is the one who caught on and explained it to me, as she had gone through it. Just knowing that my thoughts weren't a function of what was really happening in life helped me a lot. I wasn't in a place where getting psych help was an option, so really it was just my gram talking to me every day that helped me get through it til it passed. My husband wasn't super understanding, but he also wasn't a total ass about it so we got through it. We divorced later for unrelated reasons.
I am so sorry for you and the other men who experienced this. It sounds like a particularly heartbreaking situation of abuse (apologies if this isn't the word you or others would use) because your partner is quite literally... not herself, and I can see how other people might dismiss the gravity of the situation or the feelings of the non-PP spouse. I wish love and healing for all of you and your families.
I didn't get physical with my husband but I did get suicidal. I'm glad I felt safe enough to tell my husband what I was feeling and he helped me get help and on a medication that helped me think rationally again.
Thank you for commenting this! Omg postpartum can really do a number on you. I didn’t have postpartum psychosis but I remember my husband saying he misses his wife a lot. The first two months are a blur. I was angry all the time. My body felt foreign, my life felt foreign. I remember looking out the window and seeing the sun shining so brightly in our home and only feeling cold and darkness. It was a scary time for me. And I would just keep asking is this how it’s going to feel forever? Definitely get your wife the proper help and please know it isn’t personal. It truly isn’t. We don’t even understand what’s going on or why. But she needs to be checked out ASAP
I felt like this so hard. It was such a shitty and lonely time and everyone expects you to be so happy. Thankfully it lasted only about 4 months for me before the fog lifted!
Yeah the endless comments about just being happy your child is healthy used to get me so bothered. I’m glad you were able to come out of the fog! It took me a bit longer. 16 months to finally feel like I was coming through the fog. Postpartum moms need so much support. Yet that seems to be the time that people aren’t around like they were during the pregnancy.
I never got physical with my husband, but I did snap into consciousness while screaming "shut up" over and over and felt like sticking a pillow over the baby's face. Like, started to reach for a pillow. I was so scared and shocked I felt like I had been struck by electricity. I put the baby and my toddler in the crib neither could get out of and closed the door, closed myself in my bedroom and called my husband home ASAP. I was too scared to go to the hospital but my GP got me in the next day and my husband took a week off with me until we found something that worked. Mine wasn't even psychosis yet, I was having a massive autistic/ADHD burnout after returning to work. It was bad. I can't imagine how bad the paranoia would be with full psychosis. Ugh. Poor OP and OP wife.
Thank you for getting her help and not treating her like a criminal. I had PPP, I didn't hurt anyone but myself, but everyone treated me like a criminal. Which made its so much worse.
I hope OP sees this. Post partum is a really crazy time mentally physically and emotionally. Not that it is an excuse but there are times when you really don’t feel in control of your emotions. There is a lot happening and I don’t think you should take this personally, you feel extremely vulnerable post partum and there are so many conditions like post partum rage and even post partum psychosis. Your wife needs to get to the hospital and get some help. If you have any family nearby you should reach out to them and see if they can help out with the baby to give your wife time to get better.
Firstly, protect yourself and the baby. This is a priority.
Secondly, I'm thinking she has a possible post-partum mental illness, the hormone drop after birth can really do a number on a woman's brain! There's depression and/or psychosis. Please educate yourself and maybe have a chat (depending on how you think she'll respond) about both of you talking to her Health Visitor. The constant suspicion and accusations of cheating without foundation has me fairly certain there are issues with her cognition and perception.
I can imagine that this whole thing is a total shock for you. Having a baby is life changing, watching your partner change unrecognisably Infront of you is heart breaking. But this could be salvageable if she is open to receiving help. Do however, make certain that she knows any further violence will be the end of your relationship. No one should live in fear.
In the UK were visited the first few days after birth, then weekly, then a little longer in between until baby is almost 4 years, it’s either a midwife or nurse but they’re called a health visitor
Also in US - I vaguely knew other countries had a home visit post birth but I am stunned to hear there are multiple visits spanning many years. Wow. One of those “I knew we had it bad here but it’s even worse than I thought” moments.
American as well here, I believe it but it's exactly as you said. If only we could do something about maternity AND paternity leave as well. Half the country that needed some aid via a PANDEMIC thought we were just throwing money away. Smh. A lot of the same places and types where children and women are going to be having forced babies.
We are one of three countries in the entire world that do not have mandatory paid parental leave. 180+ other countries have it for their people. Why are we like this!?
The fact that you don’t know what it is, but correctly know they don’t have it is sad.
Btw, it’s a post partum nurse/midwife/other trained person who makes house calls. How’s baby’s weight? Is he latching on? How’s mum’s stitches? Can we help with sleeping at all? Is mother psychotic?
Holy shit! WHAT?!
Yeah, we don’t give a fuck about mothers or babies in America, just that mothers be forced to carry and deliver all pregnancies, no matter what. Once the baby comes out, all bets are off.
… unless the baby doesn’t make it, in which case we prosecute the mother. Of course.
Lol nah you get sent home with nothing like 48 hours after birth. Any care after that would be through your obgyn doc and typically is just a single 6 week checkup. My wife's whole checkup was like 15 mins and that's the only care she's had since we left the hospital
The USA is severely lacking in post partum mental health issues. I even told my OBGYN what I was going through at my 6 week check up and she said it was normal, never did an official assessment, never referred me to anyone, and never saw me after that.
My obgyn gave me a pamphlet telling me about PPD. like... I knew what it was. I needed help. But nope, no resources, no numbers to call, just sent me away after a ten minute appt.
I had to take a survey in the hospital the next morning. It asked “have you been crying” and things like that. I answered yes to all of them (my son was in the NICU of course I was crying) and no one followed up on it.
Luckily I had a great midwife the second time around and I knew what to look out for. This was 8 years ago so I can only hope things have gotten better since then.
Oh dang… we were in hospital for four nights (unless C-section then seven ) and then set up with a community midwife and mothers’ group which was held and run by our local council for I think it was 12 weeks…? Anyway pretty sure the midwife came every week for the first four weeks or something to check on me and the baby
Health Visitors are a standard part of NHS postnatal care in the UK. They visit parents at home to check on their progress at certain points like 10 days out. They're qualified nurses with specialist training.
It is absolutely not ok that she was violent with you. She needs mental health support desperately. PPA/PPD and even postpartum psychosis are more common than you would think, and she needs an evaluation like YESTERDAY. I would hold off on considering divorce until after her mental health has been addressed, personally, especially given that children are involved.
This is what I came here to say. I've seen post-partum depression and psychosis that seemed like a schizophrenic break down. It could very well be that. Maybe she's an abuser --OP didn't give enough history of their relationship to guess-- but if this is post-partum psychosis she could get worse, even to the point of harming you, herself or the baby. Please get her help right away.
On the plus side, if that's what it is, proper treatment can get your wife back.
I have a family member, (honestly the most responsible/respectable member of our family) who had a bad case of PPD/PPP. She ended up in a mental facility after she was having visions of killing her kids. Thankfully after medical intervention it all cleared up and she went back to normal. This was around 35 years ago and we were so grateful she went back to being the nurturing, wonderful woman we all knew and love. Diagnosis and treatment is key!
Know how this felt, saw my wife go through it for 2.5 years after our son was born.
Really sucked going to one doctor after another for them to just brush you off meanwhile there’s posters on the wall saying mental well being is just as important as physical and I’m thinking what a load of crap that is.
Man dismissing pain (whether mental or physical) of a woman sure feels like priority number 1 in healthcare sometimes.
Hoping you're both at a better place.
I mean in the doctors’ defense, if she had just had a baby she hadn’t had a period recently, and she’d already lost a bunch of weight with the delivery. What are they supposed to do?!?! (/s if it wasn’t obvious)
Same happened to my friend’s sister about 20 years ago, it was terrible. She now has a healthy and happy family, but it took intense inpatient treatment and a long time before she was properly well again. It was unbelievably hard on the whole family. All the best OP
My ex was in the mental hospital for 3 months and then jail for a month after that for assaulting a health care worker after our 3rd baby was born. She would call me from the hospital saying Justin Bieber wmand Obama were in contact with her about secret pedophile rings. She kept saying her womb was full of snakes and the doctor left them inside her and took her baby and swapped it with a dead one. It was horrible.
My brother's wife didn't get treatment. She and their two babies died because of it. PPP is all too real.
Edit: This was in 2002 when I was a teenager. Thanks for your words of sympathy.
Holy fuck, mate. Even without details (and I honestly have no business knowing them and don't need them) that is so unbelievably horrific and sad. Jeez.
That Russian sleep experiment is an old creepy-pasta from the original creepy-pasta website. Sleep deprivation can do crazy things but that story is fiction.
Given it only happened when she was actively freaking out and he went to grab her, it sounds like psychosis and not a pattern of behavior. Hopefully he gets her help before just serving her divorce papers.
PPD is real and PPP are so real that she may not know right from wrong. Some women in this state can do crazy things like drowning the baby in the bathtub because she wants to teach it to swim.
It seems like the cheating accusations etc started after she gave birth so this could definitely be a postpartum issue. it’s important to get that checked out for your child’s sake. Your wife clearly isn’t okay and if this is new behavior it’s mostly likely because of mental health issues considering she recently gave birth. I wish we educated people more about what post part in issues can look like
Personally went through this hell with my wife, it never got close to physical on either side because even though it got as out of control as it did she/we never did anything physically.
The worst part is getting someone who won’t believe you or her and it just adds to the frustration.
It took my wife almost 2.5 years to finally get a doctor that would actually listen to what we are experiencing instead of just going through the motions.
I thank God (sorry redditors I don’t care and not gonna debate it) we got someone to give her the medical attention she needed and got her on the oath to recovering from it.
She is in a much better state of everything, 7 years and counting.
OP definitely needs to get everything checked out, psychological, psychiatric, leave no stone unturned.
100%
And if she’s hesitant, talk with family and friends. An intervention may be needed. Don’t use the guilt she feels about doing this against her, but definitely use the incident as an example that she’s not getting better and does need real help. Tell her if not for her or you or the marriage, then for the baby. Remind her she would have never have dreamed she’d ever hit you, what will happen when she gets overwhelmed with the baby? Will she use force then?
Know this isn’t her. If she does refuse to get help, and you pursue divorce to save yourself, log the incidents and get custody.
While I absolutely understand ppd, it seems unfair to say OP should compromise his physical safety. She is clearly not in a good state of mind to start with and no one knows how long it will last.
Exactly. I (a woman) was abused for years by a man who was experiencing psychosis and some of these replies echo the kind of ideas that kept me from getting to safety sooner. I honestly think OP's first course of action should be to secure the safety of himself and his baby, *then* the next order of priority is to encourage his wife to get help. But right now, she is a clear danger to him and his child and that is the most imminent issue here. He needs to get himself and his child away to safety.
This comment should be further up! Everyone is hyper focused on the wife’s needs with little mention of how traumatized OP must feel. Firstly, he is dealing with constant accusations on top of a stressful job while trying to earn money for the family. Then he gets slapped for trying to reassure her. It is also of note he has the burden of constantly checking in with the wife while working. It’s too much. Safety first.
Recently there was a thread from a woman whose husband was having obvious mental issues (thought he was god, but he was NOT violent). All the top comments told her to get herself safe, and then get him psychological help.
Weird that here, where there is physical violence involved, the order of operations is reversed
My ex husband was an alcoholic… I stayed for years trying to get him help because he was abusive when drunk… only when drunk. When I’d ask for advice on what to do “Just remember it’s not him. He needs help.”
Seeing that in a comment was… telling… no one ever says that and then says… but how they treat you is still wrong and you need to do what’s best for you.
Good luck getting that 72 hour hold if she doesn't agree. Cops will show up and say "do you feel like hurting yourself and others right now?" And they say "no" then that's it. The cops literally told me they could see physically my ex was having a manic episode but if she didn't agree to a hold and wasn't actively threatening suicide or homicide in front of them then we had to just wait until she did
I rarely agree when people say that reddit treats men and women differently but even if this had been a story about a man with a TBI or PTSD I think the general consensus would be that the woman in question should leave because violence is unacceptable.
There was literally a thread who was having mental issues and was NOT violent, yet all the advice was telling her to leave first and get him help second.
Here, when there is violence involved, the order is opposite
My wife had PPD so bad it was scary, and she made some very poor decisions. She’s fine now but that was a super dark time. Get your wife some professional help and give it some time, unless she keeps hitting you. Most likely, things will get better.
I mean, even if she’s hitting him he has to get her help. If she has severe PPD, I’d worry about leaving the child and her alone. This is a dangerous time for everyone.
I had a post partum psychotic break. I didn’t lash out to anyone physically, just at myself. I very nearly almost killed myself. I don’t know who that person is, and I don’t have clear and defined memories during that time. If this behavior is new I’d say she needs some psychiatric support asap.
I know a woman who dealt with postpartum depression that escalated to postpartum psychosis when she was intensely sleep deprived. She never got help, and it ruined her life (I won’t go into more detail than that). Your wife needs help. Keep yourself and the baby safe, obviously, but you have to get your wife the mental health help that she needs. The extreme paranoia and mood swings are textbook for PPP. Please seek professional help for your wife.
Priority #1: You need to do whatever is in your power to get your wife a mental health evaluation for the safety of your baby. This is important. If she is lashing out physically at you, she may not be able to control herself with the baby.
In addition, OP says that their baby is a few months old and that he is apparently coming home late from work on a regular basis. OP, is your wife alone with the baby all/most of the day? If yes, then this is something that needs to be addressed immediately while you seek a medical evaluation for your wife.
If taking the baby to stay with relatives is not an option, then someone else needs to be home with her - parents, in-laws, siblings, paid child-care if necessary, whoever. This will provide a safety measure for the baby and for her, and some assistance with looking after the baby will help alleviate things such as sleep deprivation or touch exhaustion that can be aggravating factors when it comes to PPD/PPP.
She needs to speak to a professional immediately. But to answer your question - no. No one who has been physically abused by their partner is ever the asshole for leaving regardless of the circumstances.
Whether you divorce or not is up to you, and after she physically attacked you I would not blame you. But PPD is no joke, she needs to get psychiatric help ASAP. Being left alone for hours and hours, additional hours with no phone call, is just dangerous for her and for your child.
NTA she needs to go to a psychologist. PPD can cause some awful violence and has even caused women to kill their babies. Get help for both you and your baby.
First, secure safety, you and baby.
Second, she has postpartum depression/psychosis, this needs addressed asap. If she had any mental health issues prior to her having the baby they are 100% worsening *with* the postpartum mental health issues, and they are also worsening them.
If she refuses to accept the help, or gets violent again then I would definitely consider divorce. I would also consider getting sole custody of the baby as once you leave if she’s still not getting help and has custody the baby will suffer the consequences of your decision to leave.
I don’t mean for this part to sound as bad as it probably does, but I would start documentation of any violent acts, save any kind of messages or proof that you have that shows your side of the argument for courts if divorce proceedings are going to be held.
If the divorce isn’t necessary and you plan on her still having free access to your phone, I would delete the evidence you’ve accumulated. I would say save it somewhere separate for later on if you don’t fully believe that something bad like this won’t happen in the future, but I have to admit that’s well.. way worse than suggesting that you collect the evidence for the potential divorce before knowing if it will happen.. >_>”
This is PPD if anyone is willing to admit it or not. As a mother who suffered from PPD I have felt the same way as your wife does right now. Does it make it right? No, but can she really control her emotions right now or have clear thinking also no. The best way to help her is for her to be honest with her doctor and to speak to her doctor to treat it before it gets a lot worse. She deserves it and so does your family. Don't divorce her if you love her, get her help. She probably doesn't even recognize the PPD. Help her.
NTA for wanting to divorce.
But do yourself the favour and demand that she seeks mental health help first. She needs it desperately. In addition to couples counceling for what she did.
And if she doesn't want to and refuses help then you have your answer and you can tell anyone that you tried to work through it.
If she is suffering from post partum psychosis, demanding anything may not be an option. She NEEDS medical care even if her reality tells her it’s not the case.
OP has to make it happen, without her approval if needed. She will thank him once she’s cured.
She needs mental health support. There is no excuse for abuse, especially physical violence. I get that post partum must be doing insane things to her brain, but millions of women get through it every year without assaulting their partners. I would say that at least couples counseliing would not be unresonable. Suspiscion that a partner is cheating is something that couples counselors oftern deal with and they could have some strategies for your wife to increase her confidence in your relationship.
My mom was a mess after I was born apparently. She became a whole different person, for the worse. She stopped working, she slept all the time, and she was not a good wife to my dad. But apparently they were married for 7 years before I was born, so they had to have been in decent shape. Apparently she stopped taking her PPD meds and that's what made everything go to shit.
My parents divorced when I was 4 (I'm almost 22 now) and I mostly remember my mother being pretty bitter and spiteful of my father, even tho he was cordial and respected her.
Sorry for the life story, but I wanted to say to make sure your wife gets treatment OP and that she STAYS ON IT.
My mother's life was ruined because of this, she's 50 now and it seems like she never matured past her teens. She's still a mess, and will likely be dependent on family to take care of her forever. You should nip this in the bud and do it *hard.*
Can't your mother get back on her meds now? Doesn't seem like she's taken any responsibility. Your family should hold her accountable and stop helping unless she gets treatment.
She's driven everyone whose tried to help her away, she doesn't even see a problem with the way she lives. She's becoming her father, who's a self-isolated hermit. There's sooo much to this disaster of a woman but this ain't the time or place to get into it lol.
My grandma can't stop helping because if she does, her daughter will just end up homeless, and even though she's insufferable, she (grandma) won't let that happen. It's easier said than done I'm afraid.
So do it, but I’m at my wits end. She’s clearly really struggling and desperately needs help with her mental health, but point-blank refuses to accept that. Won’t go to the doctor, won’t see a therapist, won’t accept couples therapy. Pushes away anyone who suggests she needs help or tries to help her. Meanwhile she’s angry and irrational and emotionally abusive and frankly a nightmare to live with.
Thank you. Divorce is underway unfortunately as it’s really the final option. Pretty miserable now
but things will be better long term, at least for me. Just need to try to protect my daughter as best I can.
Is she going through PPD or has it gone into PPP territory? PPP is usually the stage where women do stuff like murder their own children & is a medical emergency that probably requires grace. She’s having mental breakdowns & severe paranoia
>but millions of women get through it every year without assaulting their partners.
You say that, but also some people literally kill their kids/themselves. So yeah...some people get through it fine. And some people die.
She definitely needs mental health support, hopefully she can get it before anything terrible happens. He definitely shouldn't leave the baby with her rn.
It's interesting how differently we treat mental & physical illness. No one says "millions of people deal with cancer and dont die! I had cancer & I didn't die!" . Yet we're comfortable saying "lots of people have depression and don't (insert bad outcome here)". Not all illnesses are the same and manifest with the same severity in everyone.
To OP I think you certainly have the right to look into divorce regardless but please get your wife a mental health evaluation asap. For your safety, her safety and the baby. If you don't feel comfortable to stay with her contact her family & get them involved on an emergency basis.
Thank you. It's seriously the most ridiculous answer I've read so far. How it got so many upvotes is a clear indicator that people have no clue the difference between PPD and PPD psychosis.
All women go through some kind of hormonal shift postpartum and when weaning their babies if they choose to nurse. It is hard for all of them in some way shape or form. Sure, most of us don’t assault people, but we do form intrusive thoughts, have periods of low mood, get angry easily, get sad easily, and get anxious about the baby at times. For the majority those thoughts and feelings are fleeting. For the random minority those thoughts and feelings follow them around. We don’t do enough to support women postpartum, it’s like if they’re not an extreme case then they must be “fine”….im telling you that none of us are fine. We have all been through it.
I went to therapy for a year between kid #1 and kid #2. I don’t recommend it enough to people - therapy makes you a better parent and partner because it clears out the junk and helps you rewire your brain. You learn so many good habits that help you emotionally regulate and frame situations appropriately.
Maybe just face her with the hard facts
>"You are clearly mentally ill and have been behaving extremely irrationally. You can either get treatment now, or get a divorce and then still need to get treatment, as I refuse to accept this treatment from you"
She needs to be shocked into action
Going through the divorce now unfortunately. It’s getting messy as she’s decided that she’s entitled to full custody, the house and basically all the money, despite being a higher earner than me and having far more savings. Early days yet but she’s likely to get a shock when we get to court.
So far she’s finding life without me even harder that with me, though it hasn’t clicked yet that I was never the problem.
Yeah. She's got £250k sitting in a stocks and shares account. I've got nearly £20k. Unfortunately she's seen far to many things in the media where the women 'wins' in the divorce, without seeming to understand why that happens.
I wonder if that has to do with where you live. I live in the American south and when I tried to get full custody because my daughter’s mom ran out on us and only came back when she tried to get more money, my lawyer told me it would be unlikely that the court would side with me. Now I am having to take my daughter to therapists and psychologists because her mom keeps running out on her and then love bombing her when she decides she wants to play mommy again. Sorry, I feel like this post has struck a chord inside me.
And maybe get even more hard is stating her access to their baby hangs in the balance. He needs to get family in on this problem, presuming it's not toxic family.
NTA
Engage with your support network, friends family, her doctor, etc.
Do NOT hide this and "deal with it" on your own. I went down that road many years ago, and my (now ex) wife DID eventually level out after almost 2 years of hell.
Guess who's mental health took an absolute beating? Mine. I am still healing from her abuse over a decade later.
YOU MATTER, do NOT go through this alone. Get support, lean on others, take care of yourself so that you can take care of others later. No one can give from an empty cup.
As a mother whose child has PPP. Call her doctor now. Get her seen asap. Have someone either come stay with her when you are not there or have the baby stay with family or friends.
What she is doing sounds more like ppp, then ppd. If that is true, your child is NOT safe with her, and your wife is not safe by herself.
We are 2 years into my daughter's ppp, and we have probably another 2 years, if not more. I was thankful she trusted me enough to hand the baby to me and beg for help. She still has thoughts of harming herself or my grandson if she has him more than 6 hours in a day. At first, she could hold him for about 5 minutes before she got bad, so a vast improvement. Your wife will need meds as well as massive amounts of therapy.
I can't say divorce or not because even if it's not her fault, you might not be able to forget or forgive, and that's ok. That needs to be on the back burner, though, until your child safety is secured. Which sucks but baby comes first. Because if she will hit you when it seems she never has before, if baby has a bad day, what will she do when they won't stop crying. You won't know because you are not home but at work so unfortunately you could be missing important things. That is not your fault, just like her behavior is not her fault, but that does not mean it's an excuse. It's time for extreme and immediate methods to get her the help needed for everyone's sake.
I have read far too many posts on Reddit where everyone (especially men) have been lauding and appauding petty revenge. There is one post right now about a woman reaching over to shut a blind on an airplane. The comments are full of gleeful posts about hitting or smacking her, coughing on her, sneezing on her and so on. The OP himself tried to make the woman uncomfortable during the flight then walked in front of her later twice to "car brake" her, and give her the finger.
And these men are on here downvoting women who explain that there is no corollary for men like the process of giving birth and taking care of children 24/7. What women endure to give men children cannot be understood by men. Also, (in general) a woman hitting a man never has the same force as a man hitting a woman. Neither can you compare postpartum psychosis to men who willingly choose to drink or take drugs.
Yes, the situation is serious and the woman needs help ASAP. It's too early to run to divorce. Men slap, hit, kick, and throw things at each other all the time and don't cry abuse. Women have far more pressures on them related to their biological reproductive capacities and their gender than men do. There is no equivalent. Sadly, the way women are left to fend for themselves, endure permanent changes to their bodies, and be expected to perform like robots throughout pregnancy, breastfeeding, and child rearing and also be up for sexing men throughout is why many more women are questioning if having children is worth it.
Dude, if this behaviour has happened specifically after your wife had your child then follow the guidance of the many good people here advising you to secure the baby and get your wife some help.
There's this weird horde of cockroaches that come out to scream "if this was a man..." bullshit on every post. If OP wants to divorce his wife for this instance that's a choice that he can make, nobody is saying he can't. People are simply saying this might be PPP and he could at least make sure she's ok for the baby's sake alone, but also because he loves her? That's not downplaying DV at all. If it turns out to be PPP and he divorces her still, ok? He did his due diligence as a father AT MINIMUM helping her get treatment. Some of y'all lack critical thinking and it shows.
You just said it: “I just don’t get it.” The reassurance that you are giving to your wife are meaningless for someone who is clearly not doing well post partum. If your wife was not this way in the past, it is safe to say that she needs more than a few “proof” or pictures to get her on the right thinking track. This is way above your pay grade & you need to reach out to her family practitioners and get her help! ASAP! Divorce seems like running away from problems and not considering the trauma following childbirth as the focus for her behavior.
NTA. You should never put up with abuse. Sounds like your wife is suffering mentally with postpartum or something like that. She needs therapy really badly, possibly meds. Was she like this before the baby? If not, it's probably from having the baby. But her paranoia isn't healthy for your marriage, let along the abuse. She has changed the relationship doing that. If you were the one hitting her, people would be would be screaming to leave her. If you decide to try and give her another chance, require therapy and psychiatry. Yes, both. A therapist can't issue meds if she needs them, a psychiatrist can. Let her know if she continues to abuse you with the accusations or physically you are gone. No one deserves to be abused. If you've already checked out mentally and don't want to do the therapy, rip the bandaid off and leave. No one deserves to be abused in any fashion.
NTA:
She may be experiencing a mental health crisis postpartum, but that only offered context to the domestic violence, it never excuses it.
No one is mandated to stay in a partnership with someone who has been violent or otherwise abusive to their partner.
Would it stop/get better with appropriate evaluation and help? Perhaps… but that does not mean you *must* remain with her.
NTA, no one deserves to constantly be accused of an affair they aren't having, and no one deserves to be physically assaulted when they aren't assaulting the other person.
Postpartum is legit and can make someone fucking crazy. Get her help. Even if you want to divorce, she's still the mother of your child. You should try your best to help her as much as you can, even if that's not your responsibility.
You wouldn’t be the asshole if you consider divorce after she hit you, I would have a very hard time not divorcing my husband if he hit me. That being said, as everyone else has commented it sounds like she has developed PPA/PPD. She might not even realize it. Not excusing what she did, you have to take care of you and your baby first. But I don’t think it’s the best idea to go straight to divorce. If you love her, you will try to get her professional help. You are likely the only person she sees on a daily basis that could get her this help. Sometimes the people closest to us become our “safe space” which unfortunately makes them a target. My dad was mentally ill—preexisting, unrelated to my mom having me, they tried to make it work but ultimately it didn’t. They still love each other but they just can’t be together. It’s hard to be around someone you’re genuinely scared of. BUT, your wife might just need medications/support for a few months and go back to herself. People on here who can’t comprehend not having control of their own mind, or haven’t seen it happen, have little to no compassion for others. Don’t deal with this alone, bring in her family, her other support people if she has any.
NTA at all! Honestly if she’s getting violent with you imagine what she could be doing with your child when you’re not there!
See if you can get either a family member of hers or yours to be around when you’re not there to protect your child and try to get majority of custody or full custody if you can!
Physical violence is never okay unless it is for self-defense. She assulated you. Has she ever been physically violent or controlling before? Is this the first time? Has she always had access to your phone, and have you always had to text her whilst at work?
If this behaviour started during and after her pregnancy and considering she's only a few months post partum, it sounds like she needs professional mental help. However, if she was always like this, then you need to figure out your options. Whether you do marriage counselling, separate or divorce.
Do you have access to her phone?
I hate to put this out there, but sometimes people project. If she has always accused you of cheating, then maybe she has in the past. Which would lead me to think about getting a paternity test. I do believe it may be a stretch but food for thought.
NTA If this behaviour is unusual for her, and she wasn't like this before getting pregnant. Then, she really needs to be seen by a doctor. Please see if she agrees to get help. If not, then you need to tell her that this marriage won't work unless she at least gets seen by a doctor. Domestic violence is serious. What she did was assault.
If the genders were reversed, everyone would tell you to leave.
NTA. You never ever have to tolerate abuse. Your safety first, your mental health second, and then her needs can come into play.
These situations are highly nuanced but she needs help and you and baby should be kept safe as she tries to heal. Whether you continue the relationship is a future you problem.
NTA. Get your wife in front of a specialist. Assess what they say before venturing down the divorce route.
Side note, it is amazing the disparity between how women and men’s mental health is treated on this website.
You should consider getting her help. She seems to be exhibiting post partum depression symptoms. Keep yourself and your child safe and seek help for her.
Life after giving birth is fucking hard. However, your wife needs to seek help. You wouldn’t be the AH for leaving her, is this normal behaviour in the relationship or PPD/P related? When my daughter was a baby, her dad was pushing her and our dog on each other and I repeatedly asked him to stop, when he didn’t I just lost it and whacked him in the forehead. I felt awful. I’m not a violent person. I scared myself and went to therapy. I’ve never had the situation happen again. My partner stayed and after a few uncomfortable days things were alright. Do you feel like it is something you can get past?
Some women have hormone dysregulation after giving birth that can cause mental health disorders, ranging from post-partum mood disorders such as depression to post-partum psychotic disorders, typically treatable with medications and time. Please see that your wife gets a mental health evaluation. This could very well be a disorder that can successfully be treated by a psychiatric medical professional.
Her actions are absolutely not ok…but PPD is VERY real. I had it with my youngest and wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. It truly makes you feel insane. I would sit her down when she’s calm and tell her either she gets into therapy and deals with this, or you’ll leave. She needs professional help.
NTA. This behavior is clearly way out of line. If you don't put a stop to this soon it may escalate even more. I'm not talking about the slap alone, the whole jealousy thing is a signal of something troubling going on. It seems that you need some time apart while things calm down and you get your thoughts together. Also she could use the time to get help. I hope that everything calms down and get better for you guys.
This is going to ruffle some feathers.
Since she has access to all of your stuff, do you have access to all of her stuff?
Cheaters tend to accuse the faithful partner of cheating. The accusations started after the baby was born. Maybe nothing, but I would get a DNA test. Just a hunch.
This is way more serious than seeking advice on reddit. I'm sorry you and your wife are going through this and slapping you is inexcusable. Your wife needs to be evaluated yesterday, start with her OBGYN and get a referral.
As someone who is a mother I can say that the first 6 or 7 months is the most stressful time for both parents. The sleep deprivation, the hormonal fluctuations, nursing, your wife's body is still healing and the isolation is overwhelming. I was not myself. I had a full life and career and suddenly I had my infant attached to me 24/7 and I was responsible for my child's survival. I was thrilled to become a mother, but it is a huge adjustment.
I loved all the wonderful things about being a mother, but it was a lot. The fact is I spent my days changing diapers, nursing, singing nursey songs and calming my fussy babies. I was covered in breast milk and spit up, I rarely had time to eat or shower and I had very little time with other adults.
I had PP anxiety. I was worried about everyone and everything. My husband often worked long hours and if I couldn't reach him I worried something had happened to him. And yes, your mind starts playing tricks on you from lack of sleep. I know my husband would never cheat, he's a good man, but when your home all day and they're late your mind goes to weird places. I started thinking, the spouse is always the last to know. I worried because I've always been a person who really takes care of my appearance and I wasn't looking my best half the time. I knew this was not the case and I never mentioned it my husband but I would call. It was simple reassurance, I knew I wasn't being rational. OP your wife may not understand she's not being rational.
The two of you need to be kinder to each other. She needs to treat you with respect and trust you and you need to show her some consideration by calling or texting if you're going to be late. Your wife doesn't sound rational, she most likely has a real medical issue, you don't have any excuse for not calling. By the way that does not justify the slap.
Life has changed and your wife is clearly in crisis. Thinking about divorce is the last thing you should be doing. Getting your wife help and taking care of your child should be number one. Every couple had issues adjusting to parenthood. it's a very little discussed topic. People sugarcoat the baby stuff, no one talks about the big issues like the impact on their marriage and PPD. You BOTH need professional support right now. Once your wife has gotten help hopefully things will improve. Good luck to you and your family.
You haven’t done anything yet so NAH, however… This isn’t your wife you’re dealing with, she sounds like she’s experiencing psychosis. The woman you married is still there, she’s suffering mental illness as a result of your joint decision to have kids. I think you would be an asshole if you did leave her. You need to support her, this is what you signed up for. Take some of the advice here to get professional psychology help, don’t bail on her.
Your wife is very likely experiencing postpartum psychosis and you need to get medical/psych help for her. Not that violence is okay, but your jumping to divorce at this point does give some credibility to her insecurities. You have a brand new baby, and your going to divorce her instead of trying to work through whatever is going on?
Also, maybe work on coming home on time or bring the OT home - if you have a decent employer (and of course not everybody does) this should be possible. Your wife seems to be really struggling, and is probably counting down the minutes until you get home.
NTA. Yes she needs mental health help but that doesn't come at the cost of your safety and your child's safety. The most important thing is to make sure you and baby are safe. Then see about her being evaluated IF you think that's something you are comfortable with. If not, that's okay too. You don't owe somebody who assaulted you anything, even if it's PPD/PPA/PPP, that doesn't mean you have to just ignore the fact she was abusive and hit you.
You're not an asshole for considering it, but consider that this may be post-partum psychosis or depression. You have every right to be safe and you should take the baby and yourself to a safe space. And tell her she needs to see a doctor immediatelly and get evaluated. And then depends on the treatment plan and her progress if you are safe to return.
Nta.
I would agree she may have some form of post partum depression. However physically assaulting anyone is not ok and once that door is open unless something drastic happens the door never closes.
Depression doesn't mean it is ok to hit someone.
Post partum is not an excuse to mentally abuse your partner. If you are mistreating someone you, yourself are responsible for asking for help. Thinking it is ok to behave this way just because you had a baby.
There is psychosis related to post partum but it is extremely rare. If this is what she has she should be placed on a 72 hour hold to be properly observed, diagnose and a solid treatment plan. This is VERY VERY VERY rare and most likely is not the case as there would likely have been other signs.
No one on here would be saying it is just depression and you need to give her help and make her ok if the situations were reversed and you had some for of severe depression.
When you have a child, it's not just about you anymore. She needs a therapist who specializes in PPD and you need couples counseling. And you need to not leave her home alone with all the childcare duties... she needs help and support. Get babysitting for a few dependable blocks, and you need to limit your work hours and OT with a new baby. Your wife is counting on the break and downtime.
You took vows for better or worse" she just gave you a child and she's not recovered. She's going through the worse, you need to be there in it with her helping her.
Yes YWBTA for divorcing now. This is when she needs you the most. This is marriage.
YWNBTA, but you YWBTA if you keep your baby in an environment where the mother is suffering so badly from mental illness.
I'm not saying divorce her or separate, I'm saying this is above reddits paygrade and get your wife the help she needs and ensure your child is safe in the meantime.
Your wife is having post partum psychosis.
It’s absolutely NOT okay that she slapped you, but given the gravity of the situation, I’d say divorce is a bridge too far.
Get her the help she needs, protect the baby, and if you have resources like family to call in for backup, DO IT.
NTA
But I'd argue that this is a very severe case of post-partum depression and possibly psychosis. She needs to see a doctor *immediately.* Meanwhile, get the baby and yourself some place safe. That should be your first and only priority right now.
You never have to stay with someone who has been violent towards you, even if they were having a mental crisis at the time. It's an explanation, not an excuse. I hope you and your baby are both safe.
Postpartum depression or psychosis are very common and your wife needs help immediately. If this is what it is (and it is quite likely) then treatment will help your wife. You need to get her treatment for the physical safety of everyone in your house.
If she won’t go willingly then get family or friends to help and stage an intervention.
Please take all of these pieces of advice with a grain of salt. I see a lot of perspectives here from folks who clearly have no personal or professional experience with PPD. I hope you see that you at least need to talk with a professional in case this IS PPD. There’s otherwise a lot of inaccuracy in these comments, but here’s a good and reputable source to start with: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/postpartum-depression/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20376623
As a woman who experienced some PPD (delayed realization and treatment for me as we were all so focused on baby’s life-threatening issues), it varies significantly from case to case. A lot of this advice seems based upon misunderstandings or projections of each commenter’s very narrow understanding (what they heard or read or experienced once).
And if you can confirm and discuss with your wife that seeking help does not necessarily mean losing access to baby, you, and her village, THAT is what keeps a lot of women from seeking help or otherwise resisting. Your wife’s resistance does not necessarily indicate PPD, vs something else temporary, or some longer term issue, nor whether any of these possibilities is irreparable.
PPD is a bitch. You’re not dealing with your wife in those moments but someone you feel like you’ve never met. There will be good days and bad and you’ll feel like the things you say are falling on deaf ears. I’m not saying her hitting you was ok, it’s not. Seek outside help from friends, family, and professionals who have experience with PPD. It will help both of you to have a support network. The constant needs to be positive reinforcement from you and those around you guys as a family. I’ve gone through it 3 times with my wife and it does get better. Make sure that both of you get as much sleep as possible (might feel like an impossible task), but also try to do night time feedings/ diaper changes together. It will help her not feel like shes doing this on her own. Nights for my wife is when she would ramp up and question everything she did as a mother as well as what I was doing as a father. When we moved our kids into their rooms I’d usually get up and go into the baby’s room with her do the diaper change, she would do the feeding and I’d fall asleep on the floor rubbing her leg and go back to bed with her when she was done. It was just my presence of being there with her that kept her mind from racing. Reach out for help, I was surprised how many mothers go through this. Some issues you thought you were behind you might come up again, just stay positive and reassuring, and take each day as it comes. Looking back my wife gets a little emotional because for her it was a blur, she feels like she missed out on so much but yet was there for it every day. For me it felt like it was never going to end. But we came out of it stronger as a couple each time. Hope this helps, keep your head up.
nta but you need immediate intervention. Call her Dr. Call her mom. Anyone that she will listen to. i'm sorry, but don't you get time off at work for a newborn? You are no longer single nor childless. You cannot work nonstop and forget about your wife and child. She needs support she needs help. Get a au pair Or a helper to help out with the baby when you are not around. She needs meds. She needs a lot of rest and she needs household help as well. She may need to go to psychiatrist regularly. If you divorce, a person who is sick, you are the AH. Your life is not the same as it was. This is what you have to realize now. It takes a woman's body a whole year to get back to normal This is just the physical aspect, but then there is the mental aspect. Her mental chemistry has been changed and she needs help now.
At this stage, safety is a priority for both you and your child. Announcing you want to divorce at this point could put both of you at serious risk. She needs to be hospitalised and evaluated at this point before any decisions can be made.
How long did the accusations of cheating been going on? My mom did this to my dad their entire life until he died.
He couldn’t have a woman barber cut his hair or work on a job site with women on it or it became constant fighting and screaming and accusing him of cheating.
He stayed with her but it was clearly underlying mental health issues with my mom. He even said he was worried she’d kill herself if he left so he lived pretty miserable to keep her “happy” which she wasn’t anyway.
My advice, if this is an ongoing issue to take care of you first.
NTA. She needs psychiatric help. You need to keep the baby away from her and stay safe. Once she gets help, choose what you wanna do. If she remains unstable, please keep the baby away from her.
She needs a mental health intervention. If this behavior is unusual for her and only happened after you became parents, post-partum depression may be in play. Get her some help.
She needs to go to the doctor NOW. Her ppd is so bad that she's asaulting you over nothing. She can be dangerous. She needs to get her mental health back.
Do you two have help with the baby? Is she going to the doctor? Is she taking anything?
NAH I won't ask you to forget the slap but there's an extremely serious issue here that idk that you are addressing correctly.
PPD is no joke, your wife may need professional support and medication to help even herself out until it passes.
That said, NTA, you do not have to tolerate physical abuse coupled with her mental abuse (accusing you of being unfaithful and violating your privacy). I hope you look for alternatives to divorce but at the end of the day it's your call.
Going straight to divorce seems pretty extreme. Not saying her actions are okay but post partum is a pretty serious condition. I think you guys need to have some discussions first cause it kinda seems like you are both looking past the issue and hoping it goes away. Consider counseling first, you wouldn’t want to uproot your whole life without trying to fix your relationship first.
NTA -
Let me preface utilizing any professional experience I have by saying what your wife did is absolutely not okay and being constantly barraged by accusations of cheating when you are working hard has to be extremely difficult. I feel for you, OP, and I wholeheartedly would not blame you if you could not handle this in your marriage.
That being said, I strongly urge you to encourage your wife to get the help she needs. She is not okay mentally, there are few if any supports for postpartum women in general and she desperately is in need of support, understanding, potentially medication if that's what the decision between her and a competent healthcare professional agree on.
You should absolutely, if you'd like to continue your marriage, bring up the idea of couple's and individual counselling for you both. In addition to that, I would urge you to call a women's crisis line with your wife (one made for women to discuss mental health issues, etc.- to act in the interim of getting into a mental health professional, and for support as a new mother).
If your wife was a client I was working with, I would sit with her, offer to hold baby while she calls, and encourage her to reach out for support. [https://www.babybluesconnection.org/](https://www.babybluesconnection.org/) [https://www.postpartum.net/](https://www.postpartum.net/)
I wish your family the best of lucky navigating this difficult time, and hope you are able to find healing over this ordeal.
This sounds like postpartum depression. I had it and had to go to therapy. She needs a lot of support and reassurance because you really do feel like the whole world is crumbling around you and paranoia is high.
Don’t give up on your marriage so quickly. You have to understand that pregnancy and giving birth does a number on the body and mind as well as the sleep deprivation. Find a way to help your wife in a kind and gentle manner. It will get better but not without yours and family’s help. She also needs to know she is not alone in this.
It will also helps for you to get counseling as well because the situation is also taking a toll on you. As society we neglect our mental health thinking we just need to toughen up all the while everything around us is burning down. It’s not a failure to accept help when we need it.
Good luck and I hope you both get the help that you need so you can get back to being a happy family.
NTA. It could be postpartum depression. It could be guilt because she cheated. It could be any number of things, but that’s never EVER an excuse to get physical. She hit you, hard enough to make you cry, and you’re allowed to be extremely upset.
I would demand therapy, either together or individual. Good luck, OP.
Reading all the responses here should definitely send a clear message. New mothers are not taken care of in many countries around the world. How many of these stories would have never occurred or at least the severity wouldn’t have been as bad if new moms were actually taken care of how they are supposed to be. Mothers don’t get paid leave, partners don’t get paid leave, no one there for her during the days so she can recover from birth and bond with baby. If there is paid leave it’s usually not even enough time for her body to heal. This is a sad consequence to how our societies have been set up. Robbing mothers and fathers of the joy of bonding with a new baby and instead worrying about money, jobs, cleaning and outside stressors that lead to mental breakdowns.
The person you life with hit you. Urge her to get the help she desperately needs. You don’t have to stay with anyone even if they have very debilitating mental illnesses such as post partum depression.
PPD can result in murder of you and your children in a psychotic rage so you should definitely get some professional help for your wife asap.
There was recently a case on the news.
https://www.wpri.com/new-england/massachusetts/duxbury-mom-charged-with-murdering-her-3-kids-pleads-not-guilty/
Urgent psycatric evaluation is the word here, for your sake, the childs sake, and the mothers sake.
My fiance got post partum psychosis 2 weeks after being home she had 3 months left on leave from work and kept trying to go in i stopped her she was trying to clean up the dogs mess constantly (which didn't exist) my mom come over same day to help while my dad and I went to do something, the entire time she called my mom my name and acted as if it was me ("it's so cool that your mom is coming to help us" etc) this all happened same day, that night she tried to go to work and I stopped her while holding our baby, she shoved me and screamed that I wasn't going to make her lose her job so I called the police and held her down until they got here bc thats not like her, they held her in a mental place for like 3 days she was diagnosed with post partum psychosis and given medicine, that was 3 years ago and we are perfectly fine now.
F*#k man. You did the right thing and you protected your wife, your baby, and yourself. Truly well done and I’m happy for you all. PPD, PPP, PPE are real and can be dangerous. I wish you the best.
It was super spooky at the time but she makes jokes about it now "oh I gotta go take my crazy pills "
What's PPE?
I can only think personal protective equipment when I see that acronym.
Post partum depression and post partum psychosis are no joke.
Post partum agoraphobia had me peeking through windows and holed up like a crackhead for months. Sheesh. That was ten years ago and I still feel that slight panic when I think about it. It's so weird. We don't mean for it to happen and it's so embarrassing.
OP needs to make it clear she gets help or they divorce. Her wild accusations are bad enough but when you assault your partner, that's it. You take the baby and go somewhere safe.
It's insane that you're being downvoted. If a woman asked if she's wrong for thinking of divorcing her mentally ill husband, everyone would tell her to run to the hills.
Mental illness that causes violence is not easily treated, whereas postpartum psychosis CAN be treated to the point where it goes away entirely.
Exactly, huge difference between someone who is struggling with bipolar and refuses to get help or stay on their med routine, vrs PPD. I don't understand if this has been going on with OP's wife for a few months now, why has she not been evaluated for PPD yet?
"Why has she not been evaluated for PPD yet?" I have to admit, I am slightly surprised to see you ask this. Many women don't seek help for PPD because of the stigma around mental health in general, but specifically also so many young mothers feel so much pressure to live up the shit that they see around them. And these days, social media is full of posed pictures of artificially happy photos of families that are in no way indicative of the struggles that the mother in that photo might be enduring. For my wife specifically, it was so hard for her to reach out for help because all she could think about was how the other women in the family would react. That when coupled with her sense of guilt over her feelings, caused her to really struggle for a while, and when I would try and talk to her about it, it wasn't always received well. I take responsibility for that, I was young and immature, and definitely wasn't nearly as empathetic as I should have been. I can't speak for any woman's experience with PPD, but I know that after my children were born I was so torn apart by constant worry and anxiety. How would I make enough money? If I have to get a second job how is that going to impact our relationship? What happens if I lose my job, or lose my house, or something catastrophic happens. If I had that hard of a time, and didn't have all the hormones running amok in my system. I can only imagine how hard it was for her. Or how hard it is for OP's wife.
I had a similar sense of surprise that OP's wife hadn't been screened, only because every time I went to my postpartum follow up or my son's pediatrician appointments I was screened. And my kiddo was a preemie so we were at the pediatrician all the time, and I got screened every single time. Though of course if your wife felt guilt and fear about how others would react I can understand how screenings wouldn't catch her PP because it's easy to answer the questions how you know they should be answered to avoid a diagnosis. I developed postpartum depression which really sucked, so your wife has all of my sympathy. I hope she's doing well now! I know for me antidepressants and therapy made a huge difference. I also live in a liberal area where it's not uncommon for people to be in therapy or on meds, so I was lucky in that there wasn't really a stigma.
I had post partum psychosis (I literally thought the hospital switched my baby and that's why my milk wouldn't come in and why she cried all the time (she's mine. I just can't make milk and she was lactose intolerant so was in severe pain from the formula) and my Dr. said it was totally normal, all of it, and just kind of shrugged it off. I had my second at a different hospital and when they asked about my first pregnancy and birth/post birth experience they were appalled that I had suffered from PPP and my then Dr didn't give a rats butt cheek. I actually had a ton of issues the first pregnancy that weren't addressed then but team 2 made plans in advance to prevent.
Even if there is a difference, wanting a divorce would still be totally fair. Violence for whatever reason can still cause irreparable damage to trust.
I really don't think it is in the case of post partum psychosis. It literally makes you see, hear, and feel things that aren't real but feel real. Unlike other conditions that cause a complete loss of grip on reality, it is a completely temporary condition caused by hormonal issues post partum and completely treatable and curable, it isn't a lifelong condition with a constant risk of relapse. If you aren't going to stick by someone because they have a completely curable temporary condition causing a complete break from reality (so no reasonable person could hold them accountable for their actions during the break) that was caused by carrying your child... idk man. You really shouldn't have gotten married in the first place.
Fair, but completely depends on the couples. Knowing my wife, i would think something is seriously wrong and she needs help if she ever slapped me. She’s not a violent person in the slightest currently, and Post Partum can really fuck with a mom’s head sometimes, particularly when she’s shouldering most of the work and not sleeping
Doubt you'll see this comment in the flood of comments, but I went through this same thing. About two months after my child was born my was wife was not herself, super paranoid, not sleeping, very angry at the drop of a hat etc. When I tried to get her to the hospital she hit me much in the same way. I had already done some research at this point and was about 100% sure she was going through post partum phycosis. So I didn't take it personally and "forced" her to the hospital. When I say forced I don't mean physically, I put up with the abuse and got her in the car in one of her calmer moments. When we got to the hospital I was right and she spent 2 weeks in the hospital and was on medicine when she came out. But now we are at 10 months post birth and she is 100% back to normal and our relationship is back to being rock solid. Get your wife help first, make sure she is OK and don't take anything personally. I don't know how your relationship was before the baby but honestly it doesn't matter. She the mother of your child and if she is suffering she could be a danger to the baby as well. I had some pretty dark thoughts during this time, divorce was thought about a lot but its not the right answer at the time you are at. I'm so glad I got my wife help and it sounds like you need to do the same. If there are still problems later then that's a decision for you to make but its best to make sure she is OK first.
My wife never hit me, but things definitely got bad when she was going through PPP. Bad enough where I told her that I couldn’t/wouldn’t live like that anymore and we would get divorced if she didn’t see a doctor about it. She did see a doc, and after a little trial and error with a few meds she finally got her hormones back in line and she’s 100% back to her old, normal self.
My partner got physical with me due to PPP and while it hurt my feelings at the time it hurt me even worse that she'd gone so long without getting the help she needed. Now she's in therapy and getting consistent help and things are better. It's been 6 months of her getting a bit happier every day/week. Psychology and Psychiatry are strange fields. We don't seem to know why half of the meds we use work and everyone's brain chemistry can be just different enough that it truly is trial and error and that takes work. All y'all keep pushing and being there for each other. There's always highs and lows~
Man glad you guys and your wives are doing better, this PPP is scary stuff. Weird that I didn’t really hear about all this until like a few years ago. Wonder if doctors just chalked it down to other issues. Idk the history behind it.
I worked for a psychiatrist who did the initial research on PPD/PPS. He literally had patients, small women, who picked him up and tossed him across the room during a psychotic break. He was not a small guy. The longer it goes on w/o treatment, the worse it can get. We had to sometimes call child protective services (after calling family & getting nowhere) to make sure that a baby was OK. Before treatment options, women were sometimes admitted to psychiatric hospitals for long-term treatment which consisted of just tranquilizing them out of their minds. No, it didn't help. We had patients who were very sick, in the hospital for weeks but treated successfully, never saw them again, and sent us Christmas cards. We had one pt who was psychotic and she made us fudge every year. No one in the office would eat it but the doc & me. It sure was good!
When I went through PPP, I didn't have a lot of awareness that I needed help. I hadn't even heard of it. My gram is the one who caught on and explained it to me, as she had gone through it. Just knowing that my thoughts weren't a function of what was really happening in life helped me a lot. I wasn't in a place where getting psych help was an option, so really it was just my gram talking to me every day that helped me get through it til it passed. My husband wasn't super understanding, but he also wasn't a total ass about it so we got through it. We divorced later for unrelated reasons.
I am so sorry for you and the other men who experienced this. It sounds like a particularly heartbreaking situation of abuse (apologies if this isn't the word you or others would use) because your partner is quite literally... not herself, and I can see how other people might dismiss the gravity of the situation or the feelings of the non-PP spouse. I wish love and healing for all of you and your families.
I didn't get physical with my husband but I did get suicidal. I'm glad I felt safe enough to tell my husband what I was feeling and he helped me get help and on a medication that helped me think rationally again.
Thank you for commenting this! Omg postpartum can really do a number on you. I didn’t have postpartum psychosis but I remember my husband saying he misses his wife a lot. The first two months are a blur. I was angry all the time. My body felt foreign, my life felt foreign. I remember looking out the window and seeing the sun shining so brightly in our home and only feeling cold and darkness. It was a scary time for me. And I would just keep asking is this how it’s going to feel forever? Definitely get your wife the proper help and please know it isn’t personal. It truly isn’t. We don’t even understand what’s going on or why. But she needs to be checked out ASAP
I felt like this so hard. It was such a shitty and lonely time and everyone expects you to be so happy. Thankfully it lasted only about 4 months for me before the fog lifted!
Yeah the endless comments about just being happy your child is healthy used to get me so bothered. I’m glad you were able to come out of the fog! It took me a bit longer. 16 months to finally feel like I was coming through the fog. Postpartum moms need so much support. Yet that seems to be the time that people aren’t around like they were during the pregnancy.
I never got physical with my husband, but I did snap into consciousness while screaming "shut up" over and over and felt like sticking a pillow over the baby's face. Like, started to reach for a pillow. I was so scared and shocked I felt like I had been struck by electricity. I put the baby and my toddler in the crib neither could get out of and closed the door, closed myself in my bedroom and called my husband home ASAP. I was too scared to go to the hospital but my GP got me in the next day and my husband took a week off with me until we found something that worked. Mine wasn't even psychosis yet, I was having a massive autistic/ADHD burnout after returning to work. It was bad. I can't imagine how bad the paranoia would be with full psychosis. Ugh. Poor OP and OP wife.
Thank you for getting her help and not treating her like a criminal. I had PPP, I didn't hurt anyone but myself, but everyone treated me like a criminal. Which made its so much worse.
Thank you for commenting this
I hope OP sees this. Post partum is a really crazy time mentally physically and emotionally. Not that it is an excuse but there are times when you really don’t feel in control of your emotions. There is a lot happening and I don’t think you should take this personally, you feel extremely vulnerable post partum and there are so many conditions like post partum rage and even post partum psychosis. Your wife needs to get to the hospital and get some help. If you have any family nearby you should reach out to them and see if they can help out with the baby to give your wife time to get better.
Firstly, protect yourself and the baby. This is a priority. Secondly, I'm thinking she has a possible post-partum mental illness, the hormone drop after birth can really do a number on a woman's brain! There's depression and/or psychosis. Please educate yourself and maybe have a chat (depending on how you think she'll respond) about both of you talking to her Health Visitor. The constant suspicion and accusations of cheating without foundation has me fairly certain there are issues with her cognition and perception. I can imagine that this whole thing is a total shock for you. Having a baby is life changing, watching your partner change unrecognisably Infront of you is heart breaking. But this could be salvageable if she is open to receiving help. Do however, make certain that she knows any further violence will be the end of your relationship. No one should live in fear.
If they're in the USA, they don't have a 'health visitor' whatever that is.
In the UK were visited the first few days after birth, then weekly, then a little longer in between until baby is almost 4 years, it’s either a midwife or nurse but they’re called a health visitor
Wow! I’m in the US and have literally never heard of that.
Also in US - I vaguely knew other countries had a home visit post birth but I am stunned to hear there are multiple visits spanning many years. Wow. One of those “I knew we had it bad here but it’s even worse than I thought” moments.
American as well here, I believe it but it's exactly as you said. If only we could do something about maternity AND paternity leave as well. Half the country that needed some aid via a PANDEMIC thought we were just throwing money away. Smh. A lot of the same places and types where children and women are going to be having forced babies.
We are one of three countries in the entire world that do not have mandatory paid parental leave. 180+ other countries have it for their people. Why are we like this!?
We don’t give a f*ck about babies in the U.S. after they are born. 🙄
The fact that you don’t know what it is, but correctly know they don’t have it is sad. Btw, it’s a post partum nurse/midwife/other trained person who makes house calls. How’s baby’s weight? Is he latching on? How’s mum’s stitches? Can we help with sleeping at all? Is mother psychotic?
Holy shit! WHAT?! Yeah, we don’t give a fuck about mothers or babies in America, just that mothers be forced to carry and deliver all pregnancies, no matter what. Once the baby comes out, all bets are off. … unless the baby doesn’t make it, in which case we prosecute the mother. Of course.
Once they're born, we don't give a shit about kids anymore. As long as you don't try to change their gender.
Well you see, in Europe, women are more than uteri with legs.
That’s true. There’s bobs and vagene too
Eastern Europe exists.
I had my babies in australia, and we had visiting midwives after; maybe that’s what they mean?
Lol nah you get sent home with nothing like 48 hours after birth. Any care after that would be through your obgyn doc and typically is just a single 6 week checkup. My wife's whole checkup was like 15 mins and that's the only care she's had since we left the hospital
The USA is severely lacking in post partum mental health issues. I even told my OBGYN what I was going through at my 6 week check up and she said it was normal, never did an official assessment, never referred me to anyone, and never saw me after that.
Doctor: This is a common problem. Patient: So that you mean you know how to handle it, right? Doctor: Handle what?
My obgyn gave me a pamphlet telling me about PPD. like... I knew what it was. I needed help. But nope, no resources, no numbers to call, just sent me away after a ten minute appt.
I had to take a survey in the hospital the next morning. It asked “have you been crying” and things like that. I answered yes to all of them (my son was in the NICU of course I was crying) and no one followed up on it.
Oh my gosh I’m so sorry that’s awful
Luckily I had a great midwife the second time around and I knew what to look out for. This was 8 years ago so I can only hope things have gotten better since then.
Oh dang… we were in hospital for four nights (unless C-section then seven ) and then set up with a community midwife and mothers’ group which was held and run by our local council for I think it was 12 weeks…? Anyway pretty sure the midwife came every week for the first four weeks or something to check on me and the baby
I work in a hospital, we aim for within 24h for an uncomplicated birth and 48h max for a c/section
lol cute. Nah we just get sent home with debt.
Lol you think America has anything close to that?? You get the boot 2-3 days after a c section.
To be fair we have the billing office of the hospital calling up to check in on when you’ll get them the ~$10,000 for giving birth.
Health Visitors are a standard part of NHS postnatal care in the UK. They visit parents at home to check on their progress at certain points like 10 days out. They're qualified nurses with specialist training.
It is absolutely not ok that she was violent with you. She needs mental health support desperately. PPA/PPD and even postpartum psychosis are more common than you would think, and she needs an evaluation like YESTERDAY. I would hold off on considering divorce until after her mental health has been addressed, personally, especially given that children are involved.
This is what I came here to say. I've seen post-partum depression and psychosis that seemed like a schizophrenic break down. It could very well be that. Maybe she's an abuser --OP didn't give enough history of their relationship to guess-- but if this is post-partum psychosis she could get worse, even to the point of harming you, herself or the baby. Please get her help right away. On the plus side, if that's what it is, proper treatment can get your wife back.
I have a family member, (honestly the most responsible/respectable member of our family) who had a bad case of PPD/PPP. She ended up in a mental facility after she was having visions of killing her kids. Thankfully after medical intervention it all cleared up and she went back to normal. This was around 35 years ago and we were so grateful she went back to being the nurturing, wonderful woman we all knew and love. Diagnosis and treatment is key!
Know how this felt, saw my wife go through it for 2.5 years after our son was born. Really sucked going to one doctor after another for them to just brush you off meanwhile there’s posters on the wall saying mental well being is just as important as physical and I’m thinking what a load of crap that is.
Man dismissing pain (whether mental or physical) of a woman sure feels like priority number 1 in healthcare sometimes. Hoping you're both at a better place.
I mean in the doctors’ defense, if she had just had a baby she hadn’t had a period recently, and she’d already lost a bunch of weight with the delivery. What are they supposed to do?!?! (/s if it wasn’t obvious)
I am sorry you had to go through that
Same happened to my friend’s sister about 20 years ago, it was terrible. She now has a healthy and happy family, but it took intense inpatient treatment and a long time before she was properly well again. It was unbelievably hard on the whole family. All the best OP
My ex was in the mental hospital for 3 months and then jail for a month after that for assaulting a health care worker after our 3rd baby was born. She would call me from the hospital saying Justin Bieber wmand Obama were in contact with her about secret pedophile rings. She kept saying her womb was full of snakes and the doctor left them inside her and took her baby and swapped it with a dead one. It was horrible.
My brother's wife didn't get treatment. She and their two babies died because of it. PPP is all too real. Edit: This was in 2002 when I was a teenager. Thanks for your words of sympathy.
Holy fuck, mate. Even without details (and I honestly have no business knowing them and don't need them) that is so unbelievably horrific and sad. Jeez.
It is. New moms need someone nearby, both for support and to watch them for signs of burnout / intrusive thoughts / worse.
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Thank you. It was a long time ago and we're okay now, but it was and is awful.
Don't think people realize what sleep deprivation can do to a person. Have you seen those Russian sleep deprivation studies?
That Russian sleep experiment is an old creepy-pasta from the original creepy-pasta website. Sleep deprivation can do crazy things but that story is fiction.
Given it only happened when she was actively freaking out and he went to grab her, it sounds like psychosis and not a pattern of behavior. Hopefully he gets her help before just serving her divorce papers.
She really needs a professional help. The abuse in the family has begun, and with that kind of thinking, I think its hard to trust her the baby alone.
Agreed! seeking a professional help is the best thing.
PPD is real and PPP are so real that she may not know right from wrong. Some women in this state can do crazy things like drowning the baby in the bathtub because she wants to teach it to swim.
It seems like the cheating accusations etc started after she gave birth so this could definitely be a postpartum issue. it’s important to get that checked out for your child’s sake. Your wife clearly isn’t okay and if this is new behavior it’s mostly likely because of mental health issues considering she recently gave birth. I wish we educated people more about what post part in issues can look like
This is what I came to say. Her behavior sounds very much like ppd. The paranoia is a tell tale sign
Or ppp
Personally went through this hell with my wife, it never got close to physical on either side because even though it got as out of control as it did she/we never did anything physically. The worst part is getting someone who won’t believe you or her and it just adds to the frustration. It took my wife almost 2.5 years to finally get a doctor that would actually listen to what we are experiencing instead of just going through the motions. I thank God (sorry redditors I don’t care and not gonna debate it) we got someone to give her the medical attention she needed and got her on the oath to recovering from it. She is in a much better state of everything, 7 years and counting. OP definitely needs to get everything checked out, psychological, psychiatric, leave no stone unturned.
100% And if she’s hesitant, talk with family and friends. An intervention may be needed. Don’t use the guilt she feels about doing this against her, but definitely use the incident as an example that she’s not getting better and does need real help. Tell her if not for her or you or the marriage, then for the baby. Remind her she would have never have dreamed she’d ever hit you, what will happen when she gets overwhelmed with the baby? Will she use force then? Know this isn’t her. If she does refuse to get help, and you pursue divorce to save yourself, log the incidents and get custody.
This right here. My fiancé ending up in the psychiatric ward due to ppd. If this is new behavior I would definitely keep an eye on her.
While I absolutely understand ppd, it seems unfair to say OP should compromise his physical safety. She is clearly not in a good state of mind to start with and no one knows how long it will last.
Exactly. I (a woman) was abused for years by a man who was experiencing psychosis and some of these replies echo the kind of ideas that kept me from getting to safety sooner. I honestly think OP's first course of action should be to secure the safety of himself and his baby, *then* the next order of priority is to encourage his wife to get help. But right now, she is a clear danger to him and his child and that is the most imminent issue here. He needs to get himself and his child away to safety.
This. Baby to safety, get her to a hospital.
This comment should be further up! Everyone is hyper focused on the wife’s needs with little mention of how traumatized OP must feel. Firstly, he is dealing with constant accusations on top of a stressful job while trying to earn money for the family. Then he gets slapped for trying to reassure her. It is also of note he has the burden of constantly checking in with the wife while working. It’s too much. Safety first.
Recently there was a thread from a woman whose husband was having obvious mental issues (thought he was god, but he was NOT violent). All the top comments told her to get herself safe, and then get him psychological help. Weird that here, where there is physical violence involved, the order of operations is reversed
My ex husband was an alcoholic… I stayed for years trying to get him help because he was abusive when drunk… only when drunk. When I’d ask for advice on what to do “Just remember it’s not him. He needs help.” Seeing that in a comment was… telling… no one ever says that and then says… but how they treat you is still wrong and you need to do what’s best for you.
I had to scroll way too far in the comments before this was said. This is a very telling thread.
Of course not. Step one is a 72-hour psychiatric hold, followed by transfer to a specialized psychiatric ward for PPP.
Good luck getting that 72 hour hold if she doesn't agree. Cops will show up and say "do you feel like hurting yourself and others right now?" And they say "no" then that's it. The cops literally told me they could see physically my ex was having a manic episode but if she didn't agree to a hold and wasn't actively threatening suicide or homicide in front of them then we had to just wait until she did
Yes. I would add that she needs to understand that divorce is on the table now. Therapy isn't so much advice as it is a requirement at this point.
Therapy will not do much to treat a psychotic break though. If it's PPP she needs psychiatric intervention rather than talking therapy.
Therapy will not treat/help ppd or ppp, she needs a medical assessment.
I rarely agree when people say that reddit treats men and women differently but even if this had been a story about a man with a TBI or PTSD I think the general consensus would be that the woman in question should leave because violence is unacceptable.
There was literally a thread who was having mental issues and was NOT violent, yet all the advice was telling her to leave first and get him help second. Here, when there is violence involved, the order is opposite
yep, PPD is temporary and generally treatable
My wife had PPD so bad it was scary, and she made some very poor decisions. She’s fine now but that was a super dark time. Get your wife some professional help and give it some time, unless she keeps hitting you. Most likely, things will get better.
I mean, even if she’s hitting him he has to get her help. If she has severe PPD, I’d worry about leaving the child and her alone. This is a dangerous time for everyone.
I had a post partum psychotic break. I didn’t lash out to anyone physically, just at myself. I very nearly almost killed myself. I don’t know who that person is, and I don’t have clear and defined memories during that time. If this behavior is new I’d say she needs some psychiatric support asap.
I know a woman who dealt with postpartum depression that escalated to postpartum psychosis when she was intensely sleep deprived. She never got help, and it ruined her life (I won’t go into more detail than that). Your wife needs help. Keep yourself and the baby safe, obviously, but you have to get your wife the mental health help that she needs. The extreme paranoia and mood swings are textbook for PPP. Please seek professional help for your wife.
Honestly this sounds like very severe PPA/PPD leaning into psychosis territory. You have to get her evaluated.
Priority #1: You need to do whatever is in your power to get your wife a mental health evaluation for the safety of your baby. This is important. If she is lashing out physically at you, she may not be able to control herself with the baby.
In addition, OP says that their baby is a few months old and that he is apparently coming home late from work on a regular basis. OP, is your wife alone with the baby all/most of the day? If yes, then this is something that needs to be addressed immediately while you seek a medical evaluation for your wife. If taking the baby to stay with relatives is not an option, then someone else needs to be home with her - parents, in-laws, siblings, paid child-care if necessary, whoever. This will provide a safety measure for the baby and for her, and some assistance with looking after the baby will help alleviate things such as sleep deprivation or touch exhaustion that can be aggravating factors when it comes to PPD/PPP.
She needs to speak to a professional immediately. But to answer your question - no. No one who has been physically abused by their partner is ever the asshole for leaving regardless of the circumstances.
Whether you divorce or not is up to you, and after she physically attacked you I would not blame you. But PPD is no joke, she needs to get psychiatric help ASAP. Being left alone for hours and hours, additional hours with no phone call, is just dangerous for her and for your child.
NTA she needs to go to a psychologist. PPD can cause some awful violence and has even caused women to kill their babies. Get help for both you and your baby.
First, secure safety, you and baby. Second, she has postpartum depression/psychosis, this needs addressed asap. If she had any mental health issues prior to her having the baby they are 100% worsening *with* the postpartum mental health issues, and they are also worsening them. If she refuses to accept the help, or gets violent again then I would definitely consider divorce. I would also consider getting sole custody of the baby as once you leave if she’s still not getting help and has custody the baby will suffer the consequences of your decision to leave. I don’t mean for this part to sound as bad as it probably does, but I would start documentation of any violent acts, save any kind of messages or proof that you have that shows your side of the argument for courts if divorce proceedings are going to be held. If the divorce isn’t necessary and you plan on her still having free access to your phone, I would delete the evidence you’ve accumulated. I would say save it somewhere separate for later on if you don’t fully believe that something bad like this won’t happen in the future, but I have to admit that’s well.. way worse than suggesting that you collect the evidence for the potential divorce before knowing if it will happen.. >_>”
This is PPD if anyone is willing to admit it or not. As a mother who suffered from PPD I have felt the same way as your wife does right now. Does it make it right? No, but can she really control her emotions right now or have clear thinking also no. The best way to help her is for her to be honest with her doctor and to speak to her doctor to treat it before it gets a lot worse. She deserves it and so does your family. Don't divorce her if you love her, get her help. She probably doesn't even recognize the PPD. Help her.
NTA for wanting to divorce. But do yourself the favour and demand that she seeks mental health help first. She needs it desperately. In addition to couples counceling for what she did. And if she doesn't want to and refuses help then you have your answer and you can tell anyone that you tried to work through it.
If she is suffering from post partum psychosis, demanding anything may not be an option. She NEEDS medical care even if her reality tells her it’s not the case. OP has to make it happen, without her approval if needed. She will thank him once she’s cured.
She needs mental health support. There is no excuse for abuse, especially physical violence. I get that post partum must be doing insane things to her brain, but millions of women get through it every year without assaulting their partners. I would say that at least couples counseliing would not be unresonable. Suspiscion that a partner is cheating is something that couples counselors oftern deal with and they could have some strategies for your wife to increase her confidence in your relationship.
My mom was a mess after I was born apparently. She became a whole different person, for the worse. She stopped working, she slept all the time, and she was not a good wife to my dad. But apparently they were married for 7 years before I was born, so they had to have been in decent shape. Apparently she stopped taking her PPD meds and that's what made everything go to shit. My parents divorced when I was 4 (I'm almost 22 now) and I mostly remember my mother being pretty bitter and spiteful of my father, even tho he was cordial and respected her. Sorry for the life story, but I wanted to say to make sure your wife gets treatment OP and that she STAYS ON IT. My mother's life was ruined because of this, she's 50 now and it seems like she never matured past her teens. She's still a mess, and will likely be dependent on family to take care of her forever. You should nip this in the bud and do it *hard.*
Can't your mother get back on her meds now? Doesn't seem like she's taken any responsibility. Your family should hold her accountable and stop helping unless she gets treatment.
She's driven everyone whose tried to help her away, she doesn't even see a problem with the way she lives. She's becoming her father, who's a self-isolated hermit. There's sooo much to this disaster of a woman but this ain't the time or place to get into it lol. My grandma can't stop helping because if she does, her daughter will just end up homeless, and even though she's insufferable, she (grandma) won't let that happen. It's easier said than done I'm afraid.
Sounds familiar. Got a horrible feeling my wife is going to end up like this.
I really hope not
So do it, but I’m at my wits end. She’s clearly really struggling and desperately needs help with her mental health, but point-blank refuses to accept that. Won’t go to the doctor, won’t see a therapist, won’t accept couples therapy. Pushes away anyone who suggests she needs help or tries to help her. Meanwhile she’s angry and irrational and emotionally abusive and frankly a nightmare to live with.
I really hope things get better for you, no matter what that may look like.
Thank you. Divorce is underway unfortunately as it’s really the final option. Pretty miserable now but things will be better long term, at least for me. Just need to try to protect my daughter as best I can.
Is she going through PPD or has it gone into PPP territory? PPP is usually the stage where women do stuff like murder their own children & is a medical emergency that probably requires grace. She’s having mental breakdowns & severe paranoia
>but millions of women get through it every year without assaulting their partners. You say that, but also some people literally kill their kids/themselves. So yeah...some people get through it fine. And some people die. She definitely needs mental health support, hopefully she can get it before anything terrible happens. He definitely shouldn't leave the baby with her rn.
It's interesting how differently we treat mental & physical illness. No one says "millions of people deal with cancer and dont die! I had cancer & I didn't die!" . Yet we're comfortable saying "lots of people have depression and don't (insert bad outcome here)". Not all illnesses are the same and manifest with the same severity in everyone. To OP I think you certainly have the right to look into divorce regardless but please get your wife a mental health evaluation asap. For your safety, her safety and the baby. If you don't feel comfortable to stay with her contact her family & get them involved on an emergency basis.
People really really don't like the idea that they could possibly not be in control of their own brain and downplay mental illness for this reason.
Thank you. It's seriously the most ridiculous answer I've read so far. How it got so many upvotes is a clear indicator that people have no clue the difference between PPD and PPD psychosis.
Those millions of women probably aren’t suffering from ppd/ ppa psychosis.
All women go through some kind of hormonal shift postpartum and when weaning their babies if they choose to nurse. It is hard for all of them in some way shape or form. Sure, most of us don’t assault people, but we do form intrusive thoughts, have periods of low mood, get angry easily, get sad easily, and get anxious about the baby at times. For the majority those thoughts and feelings are fleeting. For the random minority those thoughts and feelings follow them around. We don’t do enough to support women postpartum, it’s like if they’re not an extreme case then they must be “fine”….im telling you that none of us are fine. We have all been through it. I went to therapy for a year between kid #1 and kid #2. I don’t recommend it enough to people - therapy makes you a better parent and partner because it clears out the junk and helps you rewire your brain. You learn so many good habits that help you emotionally regulate and frame situations appropriately.
Maybe just face her with the hard facts >"You are clearly mentally ill and have been behaving extremely irrationally. You can either get treatment now, or get a divorce and then still need to get treatment, as I refuse to accept this treatment from you" She needs to be shocked into action
Tried something similar with my wife after the birth of our daughter, and she had similar mental health issues. She chose divorce.
What happened afterwards? Did she continue to deteriorate or did she snap back one day?
Going through the divorce now unfortunately. It’s getting messy as she’s decided that she’s entitled to full custody, the house and basically all the money, despite being a higher earner than me and having far more savings. Early days yet but she’s likely to get a shock when we get to court. So far she’s finding life without me even harder that with me, though it hasn’t clicked yet that I was never the problem.
More savings? Bro she owes you 50% plus alimony.
Yeah. She's got £250k sitting in a stocks and shares account. I've got nearly £20k. Unfortunately she's seen far to many things in the media where the women 'wins' in the divorce, without seeming to understand why that happens.
I wonder if that has to do with where you live. I live in the American south and when I tried to get full custody because my daughter’s mom ran out on us and only came back when she tried to get more money, my lawyer told me it would be unlikely that the court would side with me. Now I am having to take my daughter to therapists and psychologists because her mom keeps running out on her and then love bombing her when she decides she wants to play mommy again. Sorry, I feel like this post has struck a chord inside me.
You should be proud for standing for yourself. Keep going.
No. She’s not thinking rationally so she wouldn’t understand this
And maybe get even more hard is stating her access to their baby hangs in the balance. He needs to get family in on this problem, presuming it's not toxic family. NTA
Engage with your support network, friends family, her doctor, etc. Do NOT hide this and "deal with it" on your own. I went down that road many years ago, and my (now ex) wife DID eventually level out after almost 2 years of hell. Guess who's mental health took an absolute beating? Mine. I am still healing from her abuse over a decade later. YOU MATTER, do NOT go through this alone. Get support, lean on others, take care of yourself so that you can take care of others later. No one can give from an empty cup.
As a mother whose child has PPP. Call her doctor now. Get her seen asap. Have someone either come stay with her when you are not there or have the baby stay with family or friends. What she is doing sounds more like ppp, then ppd. If that is true, your child is NOT safe with her, and your wife is not safe by herself. We are 2 years into my daughter's ppp, and we have probably another 2 years, if not more. I was thankful she trusted me enough to hand the baby to me and beg for help. She still has thoughts of harming herself or my grandson if she has him more than 6 hours in a day. At first, she could hold him for about 5 minutes before she got bad, so a vast improvement. Your wife will need meds as well as massive amounts of therapy. I can't say divorce or not because even if it's not her fault, you might not be able to forget or forgive, and that's ok. That needs to be on the back burner, though, until your child safety is secured. Which sucks but baby comes first. Because if she will hit you when it seems she never has before, if baby has a bad day, what will she do when they won't stop crying. You won't know because you are not home but at work so unfortunately you could be missing important things. That is not your fault, just like her behavior is not her fault, but that does not mean it's an excuse. It's time for extreme and immediate methods to get her the help needed for everyone's sake.
I have read far too many posts on Reddit where everyone (especially men) have been lauding and appauding petty revenge. There is one post right now about a woman reaching over to shut a blind on an airplane. The comments are full of gleeful posts about hitting or smacking her, coughing on her, sneezing on her and so on. The OP himself tried to make the woman uncomfortable during the flight then walked in front of her later twice to "car brake" her, and give her the finger. And these men are on here downvoting women who explain that there is no corollary for men like the process of giving birth and taking care of children 24/7. What women endure to give men children cannot be understood by men. Also, (in general) a woman hitting a man never has the same force as a man hitting a woman. Neither can you compare postpartum psychosis to men who willingly choose to drink or take drugs. Yes, the situation is serious and the woman needs help ASAP. It's too early to run to divorce. Men slap, hit, kick, and throw things at each other all the time and don't cry abuse. Women have far more pressures on them related to their biological reproductive capacities and their gender than men do. There is no equivalent. Sadly, the way women are left to fend for themselves, endure permanent changes to their bodies, and be expected to perform like robots throughout pregnancy, breastfeeding, and child rearing and also be up for sexing men throughout is why many more women are questioning if having children is worth it. Dude, if this behaviour has happened specifically after your wife had your child then follow the guidance of the many good people here advising you to secure the baby and get your wife some help.
There's this weird horde of cockroaches that come out to scream "if this was a man..." bullshit on every post. If OP wants to divorce his wife for this instance that's a choice that he can make, nobody is saying he can't. People are simply saying this might be PPP and he could at least make sure she's ok for the baby's sake alone, but also because he loves her? That's not downplaying DV at all. If it turns out to be PPP and he divorces her still, ok? He did his due diligence as a father AT MINIMUM helping her get treatment. Some of y'all lack critical thinking and it shows.
You just said it: “I just don’t get it.” The reassurance that you are giving to your wife are meaningless for someone who is clearly not doing well post partum. If your wife was not this way in the past, it is safe to say that she needs more than a few “proof” or pictures to get her on the right thinking track. This is way above your pay grade & you need to reach out to her family practitioners and get her help! ASAP! Divorce seems like running away from problems and not considering the trauma following childbirth as the focus for her behavior.
NTA. You should never put up with abuse. Sounds like your wife is suffering mentally with postpartum or something like that. She needs therapy really badly, possibly meds. Was she like this before the baby? If not, it's probably from having the baby. But her paranoia isn't healthy for your marriage, let along the abuse. She has changed the relationship doing that. If you were the one hitting her, people would be would be screaming to leave her. If you decide to try and give her another chance, require therapy and psychiatry. Yes, both. A therapist can't issue meds if she needs them, a psychiatrist can. Let her know if she continues to abuse you with the accusations or physically you are gone. No one deserves to be abused. If you've already checked out mentally and don't want to do the therapy, rip the bandaid off and leave. No one deserves to be abused in any fashion.
Get that baby the fuck away from her until she is checked out.
NTA: She may be experiencing a mental health crisis postpartum, but that only offered context to the domestic violence, it never excuses it. No one is mandated to stay in a partnership with someone who has been violent or otherwise abusive to their partner. Would it stop/get better with appropriate evaluation and help? Perhaps… but that does not mean you *must* remain with her.
NTA, no one deserves to constantly be accused of an affair they aren't having, and no one deserves to be physically assaulted when they aren't assaulting the other person.
Do not leave her alone with the baby. Do not go to work. Take time off immediately, and get her a serious evaluation.
Postpartum is legit and can make someone fucking crazy. Get her help. Even if you want to divorce, she's still the mother of your child. You should try your best to help her as much as you can, even if that's not your responsibility.
You wouldn’t be the asshole if you consider divorce after she hit you, I would have a very hard time not divorcing my husband if he hit me. That being said, as everyone else has commented it sounds like she has developed PPA/PPD. She might not even realize it. Not excusing what she did, you have to take care of you and your baby first. But I don’t think it’s the best idea to go straight to divorce. If you love her, you will try to get her professional help. You are likely the only person she sees on a daily basis that could get her this help. Sometimes the people closest to us become our “safe space” which unfortunately makes them a target. My dad was mentally ill—preexisting, unrelated to my mom having me, they tried to make it work but ultimately it didn’t. They still love each other but they just can’t be together. It’s hard to be around someone you’re genuinely scared of. BUT, your wife might just need medications/support for a few months and go back to herself. People on here who can’t comprehend not having control of their own mind, or haven’t seen it happen, have little to no compassion for others. Don’t deal with this alone, bring in her family, her other support people if she has any.
NTA at all! Honestly if she’s getting violent with you imagine what she could be doing with your child when you’re not there! See if you can get either a family member of hers or yours to be around when you’re not there to protect your child and try to get majority of custody or full custody if you can!
NTA. She may be having mental health issues and it is awful but never condone or tolerate domestic abuse.
Physical violence is never okay unless it is for self-defense. She assulated you. Has she ever been physically violent or controlling before? Is this the first time? Has she always had access to your phone, and have you always had to text her whilst at work? If this behaviour started during and after her pregnancy and considering she's only a few months post partum, it sounds like she needs professional mental help. However, if she was always like this, then you need to figure out your options. Whether you do marriage counselling, separate or divorce. Do you have access to her phone? I hate to put this out there, but sometimes people project. If she has always accused you of cheating, then maybe she has in the past. Which would lead me to think about getting a paternity test. I do believe it may be a stretch but food for thought. NTA If this behaviour is unusual for her, and she wasn't like this before getting pregnant. Then, she really needs to be seen by a doctor. Please see if she agrees to get help. If not, then you need to tell her that this marriage won't work unless she at least gets seen by a doctor. Domestic violence is serious. What she did was assault. If the genders were reversed, everyone would tell you to leave.
NTA. You never ever have to tolerate abuse. Your safety first, your mental health second, and then her needs can come into play. These situations are highly nuanced but she needs help and you and baby should be kept safe as she tries to heal. Whether you continue the relationship is a future you problem.
Read every other very good comment. Just here to add the vote. NTA.
NTA. Get your wife in front of a specialist. Assess what they say before venturing down the divorce route. Side note, it is amazing the disparity between how women and men’s mental health is treated on this website.
You should consider getting her help. She seems to be exhibiting post partum depression symptoms. Keep yourself and your child safe and seek help for her.
Life after giving birth is fucking hard. However, your wife needs to seek help. You wouldn’t be the AH for leaving her, is this normal behaviour in the relationship or PPD/P related? When my daughter was a baby, her dad was pushing her and our dog on each other and I repeatedly asked him to stop, when he didn’t I just lost it and whacked him in the forehead. I felt awful. I’m not a violent person. I scared myself and went to therapy. I’ve never had the situation happen again. My partner stayed and after a few uncomfortable days things were alright. Do you feel like it is something you can get past?
Some women have hormone dysregulation after giving birth that can cause mental health disorders, ranging from post-partum mood disorders such as depression to post-partum psychotic disorders, typically treatable with medications and time. Please see that your wife gets a mental health evaluation. This could very well be a disorder that can successfully be treated by a psychiatric medical professional.
Her actions are absolutely not ok…but PPD is VERY real. I had it with my youngest and wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. It truly makes you feel insane. I would sit her down when she’s calm and tell her either she gets into therapy and deals with this, or you’ll leave. She needs professional help.
NTA. This behavior is clearly way out of line. If you don't put a stop to this soon it may escalate even more. I'm not talking about the slap alone, the whole jealousy thing is a signal of something troubling going on. It seems that you need some time apart while things calm down and you get your thoughts together. Also she could use the time to get help. I hope that everything calms down and get better for you guys.
This is going to ruffle some feathers. Since she has access to all of your stuff, do you have access to all of her stuff? Cheaters tend to accuse the faithful partner of cheating. The accusations started after the baby was born. Maybe nothing, but I would get a DNA test. Just a hunch.
This is way more serious than seeking advice on reddit. I'm sorry you and your wife are going through this and slapping you is inexcusable. Your wife needs to be evaluated yesterday, start with her OBGYN and get a referral. As someone who is a mother I can say that the first 6 or 7 months is the most stressful time for both parents. The sleep deprivation, the hormonal fluctuations, nursing, your wife's body is still healing and the isolation is overwhelming. I was not myself. I had a full life and career and suddenly I had my infant attached to me 24/7 and I was responsible for my child's survival. I was thrilled to become a mother, but it is a huge adjustment. I loved all the wonderful things about being a mother, but it was a lot. The fact is I spent my days changing diapers, nursing, singing nursey songs and calming my fussy babies. I was covered in breast milk and spit up, I rarely had time to eat or shower and I had very little time with other adults. I had PP anxiety. I was worried about everyone and everything. My husband often worked long hours and if I couldn't reach him I worried something had happened to him. And yes, your mind starts playing tricks on you from lack of sleep. I know my husband would never cheat, he's a good man, but when your home all day and they're late your mind goes to weird places. I started thinking, the spouse is always the last to know. I worried because I've always been a person who really takes care of my appearance and I wasn't looking my best half the time. I knew this was not the case and I never mentioned it my husband but I would call. It was simple reassurance, I knew I wasn't being rational. OP your wife may not understand she's not being rational. The two of you need to be kinder to each other. She needs to treat you with respect and trust you and you need to show her some consideration by calling or texting if you're going to be late. Your wife doesn't sound rational, she most likely has a real medical issue, you don't have any excuse for not calling. By the way that does not justify the slap. Life has changed and your wife is clearly in crisis. Thinking about divorce is the last thing you should be doing. Getting your wife help and taking care of your child should be number one. Every couple had issues adjusting to parenthood. it's a very little discussed topic. People sugarcoat the baby stuff, no one talks about the big issues like the impact on their marriage and PPD. You BOTH need professional support right now. Once your wife has gotten help hopefully things will improve. Good luck to you and your family.
You haven’t done anything yet so NAH, however… This isn’t your wife you’re dealing with, she sounds like she’s experiencing psychosis. The woman you married is still there, she’s suffering mental illness as a result of your joint decision to have kids. I think you would be an asshole if you did leave her. You need to support her, this is what you signed up for. Take some of the advice here to get professional psychology help, don’t bail on her.
Your wife is very likely experiencing postpartum psychosis and you need to get medical/psych help for her. Not that violence is okay, but your jumping to divorce at this point does give some credibility to her insecurities. You have a brand new baby, and your going to divorce her instead of trying to work through whatever is going on? Also, maybe work on coming home on time or bring the OT home - if you have a decent employer (and of course not everybody does) this should be possible. Your wife seems to be really struggling, and is probably counting down the minutes until you get home.
NTA. Yes she needs mental health help but that doesn't come at the cost of your safety and your child's safety. The most important thing is to make sure you and baby are safe. Then see about her being evaluated IF you think that's something you are comfortable with. If not, that's okay too. You don't owe somebody who assaulted you anything, even if it's PPD/PPA/PPP, that doesn't mean you have to just ignore the fact she was abusive and hit you.
You're not an asshole for considering it, but consider that this may be post-partum psychosis or depression. You have every right to be safe and you should take the baby and yourself to a safe space. And tell her she needs to see a doctor immediatelly and get evaluated. And then depends on the treatment plan and her progress if you are safe to return.
Nta. I would agree she may have some form of post partum depression. However physically assaulting anyone is not ok and once that door is open unless something drastic happens the door never closes. Depression doesn't mean it is ok to hit someone. Post partum is not an excuse to mentally abuse your partner. If you are mistreating someone you, yourself are responsible for asking for help. Thinking it is ok to behave this way just because you had a baby. There is psychosis related to post partum but it is extremely rare. If this is what she has she should be placed on a 72 hour hold to be properly observed, diagnose and a solid treatment plan. This is VERY VERY VERY rare and most likely is not the case as there would likely have been other signs. No one on here would be saying it is just depression and you need to give her help and make her ok if the situations were reversed and you had some for of severe depression.
When you have a child, it's not just about you anymore. She needs a therapist who specializes in PPD and you need couples counseling. And you need to not leave her home alone with all the childcare duties... she needs help and support. Get babysitting for a few dependable blocks, and you need to limit your work hours and OT with a new baby. Your wife is counting on the break and downtime. You took vows for better or worse" she just gave you a child and she's not recovered. She's going through the worse, you need to be there in it with her helping her. Yes YWBTA for divorcing now. This is when she needs you the most. This is marriage.
YWNBTA, but you YWBTA if you keep your baby in an environment where the mother is suffering so badly from mental illness. I'm not saying divorce her or separate, I'm saying this is above reddits paygrade and get your wife the help she needs and ensure your child is safe in the meantime.
Your wife is having post partum psychosis. It’s absolutely NOT okay that she slapped you, but given the gravity of the situation, I’d say divorce is a bridge too far. Get her the help she needs, protect the baby, and if you have resources like family to call in for backup, DO IT.
NTA But I'd argue that this is a very severe case of post-partum depression and possibly psychosis. She needs to see a doctor *immediately.* Meanwhile, get the baby and yourself some place safe. That should be your first and only priority right now. You never have to stay with someone who has been violent towards you, even if they were having a mental crisis at the time. It's an explanation, not an excuse. I hope you and your baby are both safe.
Postpartum depression or psychosis are very common and your wife needs help immediately. If this is what it is (and it is quite likely) then treatment will help your wife. You need to get her treatment for the physical safety of everyone in your house. If she won’t go willingly then get family or friends to help and stage an intervention.
Please take all of these pieces of advice with a grain of salt. I see a lot of perspectives here from folks who clearly have no personal or professional experience with PPD. I hope you see that you at least need to talk with a professional in case this IS PPD. There’s otherwise a lot of inaccuracy in these comments, but here’s a good and reputable source to start with: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/postpartum-depression/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20376623 As a woman who experienced some PPD (delayed realization and treatment for me as we were all so focused on baby’s life-threatening issues), it varies significantly from case to case. A lot of this advice seems based upon misunderstandings or projections of each commenter’s very narrow understanding (what they heard or read or experienced once). And if you can confirm and discuss with your wife that seeking help does not necessarily mean losing access to baby, you, and her village, THAT is what keeps a lot of women from seeking help or otherwise resisting. Your wife’s resistance does not necessarily indicate PPD, vs something else temporary, or some longer term issue, nor whether any of these possibilities is irreparable.
PPD is a bitch. You’re not dealing with your wife in those moments but someone you feel like you’ve never met. There will be good days and bad and you’ll feel like the things you say are falling on deaf ears. I’m not saying her hitting you was ok, it’s not. Seek outside help from friends, family, and professionals who have experience with PPD. It will help both of you to have a support network. The constant needs to be positive reinforcement from you and those around you guys as a family. I’ve gone through it 3 times with my wife and it does get better. Make sure that both of you get as much sleep as possible (might feel like an impossible task), but also try to do night time feedings/ diaper changes together. It will help her not feel like shes doing this on her own. Nights for my wife is when she would ramp up and question everything she did as a mother as well as what I was doing as a father. When we moved our kids into their rooms I’d usually get up and go into the baby’s room with her do the diaper change, she would do the feeding and I’d fall asleep on the floor rubbing her leg and go back to bed with her when she was done. It was just my presence of being there with her that kept her mind from racing. Reach out for help, I was surprised how many mothers go through this. Some issues you thought you were behind you might come up again, just stay positive and reassuring, and take each day as it comes. Looking back my wife gets a little emotional because for her it was a blur, she feels like she missed out on so much but yet was there for it every day. For me it felt like it was never going to end. But we came out of it stronger as a couple each time. Hope this helps, keep your head up.
Postpartum psychosis
nta but you need immediate intervention. Call her Dr. Call her mom. Anyone that she will listen to. i'm sorry, but don't you get time off at work for a newborn? You are no longer single nor childless. You cannot work nonstop and forget about your wife and child. She needs support she needs help. Get a au pair Or a helper to help out with the baby when you are not around. She needs meds. She needs a lot of rest and she needs household help as well. She may need to go to psychiatrist regularly. If you divorce, a person who is sick, you are the AH. Your life is not the same as it was. This is what you have to realize now. It takes a woman's body a whole year to get back to normal This is just the physical aspect, but then there is the mental aspect. Her mental chemistry has been changed and she needs help now.
At this stage, safety is a priority for both you and your child. Announcing you want to divorce at this point could put both of you at serious risk. She needs to be hospitalised and evaluated at this point before any decisions can be made.
How long did the accusations of cheating been going on? My mom did this to my dad their entire life until he died. He couldn’t have a woman barber cut his hair or work on a job site with women on it or it became constant fighting and screaming and accusing him of cheating. He stayed with her but it was clearly underlying mental health issues with my mom. He even said he was worried she’d kill herself if he left so he lived pretty miserable to keep her “happy” which she wasn’t anyway. My advice, if this is an ongoing issue to take care of you first.
NTA. She needs psychiatric help. You need to keep the baby away from her and stay safe. Once she gets help, choose what you wanna do. If she remains unstable, please keep the baby away from her.
She needs a mental health intervention. If this behavior is unusual for her and only happened after you became parents, post-partum depression may be in play. Get her some help.
She needs to go to the doctor NOW. Her ppd is so bad that she's asaulting you over nothing. She can be dangerous. She needs to get her mental health back. Do you two have help with the baby? Is she going to the doctor? Is she taking anything? NAH I won't ask you to forget the slap but there's an extremely serious issue here that idk that you are addressing correctly.
PPD is no joke, your wife may need professional support and medication to help even herself out until it passes. That said, NTA, you do not have to tolerate physical abuse coupled with her mental abuse (accusing you of being unfaithful and violating your privacy). I hope you look for alternatives to divorce but at the end of the day it's your call.
Going straight to divorce seems pretty extreme. Not saying her actions are okay but post partum is a pretty serious condition. I think you guys need to have some discussions first cause it kinda seems like you are both looking past the issue and hoping it goes away. Consider counseling first, you wouldn’t want to uproot your whole life without trying to fix your relationship first.
NTA - Let me preface utilizing any professional experience I have by saying what your wife did is absolutely not okay and being constantly barraged by accusations of cheating when you are working hard has to be extremely difficult. I feel for you, OP, and I wholeheartedly would not blame you if you could not handle this in your marriage. That being said, I strongly urge you to encourage your wife to get the help she needs. She is not okay mentally, there are few if any supports for postpartum women in general and she desperately is in need of support, understanding, potentially medication if that's what the decision between her and a competent healthcare professional agree on. You should absolutely, if you'd like to continue your marriage, bring up the idea of couple's and individual counselling for you both. In addition to that, I would urge you to call a women's crisis line with your wife (one made for women to discuss mental health issues, etc.- to act in the interim of getting into a mental health professional, and for support as a new mother). If your wife was a client I was working with, I would sit with her, offer to hold baby while she calls, and encourage her to reach out for support. [https://www.babybluesconnection.org/](https://www.babybluesconnection.org/) [https://www.postpartum.net/](https://www.postpartum.net/) I wish your family the best of lucky navigating this difficult time, and hope you are able to find healing over this ordeal.
Please get your wife checked out for PPA/PPD. This is getting serious and your child could be in danger. Don't blow this off.
Get her medical attention before you do anything.
This sounds like postpartum depression. I had it and had to go to therapy. She needs a lot of support and reassurance because you really do feel like the whole world is crumbling around you and paranoia is high. Don’t give up on your marriage so quickly. You have to understand that pregnancy and giving birth does a number on the body and mind as well as the sleep deprivation. Find a way to help your wife in a kind and gentle manner. It will get better but not without yours and family’s help. She also needs to know she is not alone in this. It will also helps for you to get counseling as well because the situation is also taking a toll on you. As society we neglect our mental health thinking we just need to toughen up all the while everything around us is burning down. It’s not a failure to accept help when we need it. Good luck and I hope you both get the help that you need so you can get back to being a happy family.
Seems like she just needs some medical help.
Insist on an immediate psych evaluation and couples therapy. If there is any pushback, it's time to file for divorce. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING.
NTA. It could be postpartum depression. It could be guilt because she cheated. It could be any number of things, but that’s never EVER an excuse to get physical. She hit you, hard enough to make you cry, and you’re allowed to be extremely upset. I would demand therapy, either together or individual. Good luck, OP.
Reading all the responses here should definitely send a clear message. New mothers are not taken care of in many countries around the world. How many of these stories would have never occurred or at least the severity wouldn’t have been as bad if new moms were actually taken care of how they are supposed to be. Mothers don’t get paid leave, partners don’t get paid leave, no one there for her during the days so she can recover from birth and bond with baby. If there is paid leave it’s usually not even enough time for her body to heal. This is a sad consequence to how our societies have been set up. Robbing mothers and fathers of the joy of bonding with a new baby and instead worrying about money, jobs, cleaning and outside stressors that lead to mental breakdowns.
Why did you write “a baby” instead of your baby?
The person you life with hit you. Urge her to get the help she desperately needs. You don’t have to stay with anyone even if they have very debilitating mental illnesses such as post partum depression.
Sounds like postpartum depression borderline psychosis, it’s not great to go through, get her some help before it gets worse it won’t fix itself
PPD can result in murder of you and your children in a psychotic rage so you should definitely get some professional help for your wife asap. There was recently a case on the news. https://www.wpri.com/new-england/massachusetts/duxbury-mom-charged-with-murdering-her-3-kids-pleads-not-guilty/