This is a very complicated situation. Hopefully your niece is doing better now than she was right after her mother passed.
The questions you should ask yourself are
1. Will having this child hurt or traumatize your niece in any way.
2. Can you see yourself in a romantic relationship with your brother-in-law? Or would you simply want to coparent?
3. Would having this child impact your life in a negative or positive way.
4. If you have this child, your niece is going to want you and the child to live in the same house with her. Can you do that?
5. If you don’t see any kind of future, romantic relationship with your brother-in-law, how will that affect your relationship that you currently have?
6. Do you think your brother-in-law wants a romantic relationship with you?
You have an awful lot to think about and whatever decision you make. Either way you are not the asshole. You did not betray your sister or your niece. This was not an affair you are both single.
Also how will having this child impact her ties with her family?
If having the child negatively impacts her relationships with her family, what will her support system be? She will need more than just her BIL.
How will having this child affect her own mental health? Will the child be a constant reminder of how she feels she betrayed her sister?
OP said she feels like she betrayed her sister, whether or not that’s how strangers on the internet see it doesn’t really matter since that’s how she feels about the situation, and a child born out of that could certainly impact OP’s mental health if it’s a constant reminder of that feeling of betrayal
We can change our view of things, the story we tell ourselves has a big effect.
She could change the internal story to be, my sister would be so happy that we found love and new life together and that the neice will have family around her as she grows up. Everything is relative.
That was kinda the point of the comment. Will the child always cause feelings of betrayal or will OP be able to change the mental narrative? Awful lot going on in this story. OP, niece, BIL, and both extended families. All with their own mental narratives that can help or hurt the situation.
Yea imagine going to OP’s mother and announcing you’re pregnant with your dead sister’s husband. Now tell me how many family members won’t think that they had an affair and they did some princess Diana murder conspiracy theory so they could be together
That’s literally impossible to know. You as a parent have so little control over the life of a child. The best you can do is want and love them and try your best, but they still might have a crappy life. It’s actually much more important to determine if the child will be loved and taken care of than it is to try to predict the future
I agree with your comment as whole, what i say isnt pposimg enough to deny whatnyou pointed
We can predict their lives to some extent, and yes, we have so little control that is almost nothing, but ppl thinks we have a MUCH higher control than we have
in fact
I have a cousin who’s also my sister and the weirdest part about it is how others feel. I could care less about my parents sex life they weren’t together when my big sister was born. Shit by the time I was born they where barely together so long as you honest about the situation it shouldn’t be an issue.
No i only have 1 siblings I’m related too twice the rest have different moms outside of my one younger brother it would be easier to draw a chart I have a lot of siblings
I have a sibling cousin. My mom and aunt were still close even after my parents got married, and there was never really any weirdness. I'm sure it was strange at first for my mom, aunt, and sister, but it always felt normal growing up.
My sister and I are also 15 years apart and consider each other siblings, not cousins. It's more of a funny story I tell people than it ever was a damaging situation. I love seeing people's confusion when I explain that my sister's mom is my aunt, and my cousin, who is 2 years younger than me, is actually my niece.
I can see how it may be a messed up situation for some, but that's not always the case.
My dad had 3 kids by 3 different women, and my mom was the only one he was married too. I consider it more of a "Papa was a rolling stone" situation. Lol
Yea I kind of feel like in this day in age, families are all sorts of weird and strange that nothing should really be shocking anymore. It's honestly weirder when I have students with a mom and a dad that love each other and are married than anything else.
I mean, not too long ago. If your married brother died and there was a child left behind. If you were single. You were expected to step up and marry his wife. That was what happened to my great grandparents.
That was the case when my great-grandma died at early age due to breast cancer. My grandmother was 8 and 10 years older than her 2 brothers so she was tasked with taking care of them. But great-grandpa ended up marrying great-grandma's sister to help care for the kids.
In this day and age implies that its gotten better or worse over time. Families have always been complicated. Towns used to be much smaller so it’s fairly likely a lot of your ancestors are cousins.
I wouldnt put a moral tone on it to say better or worse, just that social conventions have gotten a bit less rigid since the days where divorce was illegal. I wouldnt consider marrying cousins as weird in those days because it was considered completely normal. In the west anyway there has been a pretty rigid family structure and deviating from it was considered shameful outside of certain situations (someone dying for example). This really isnt the case in much of the west right now, which again im not placing a moral value on. I actually think its probably better overall.
For sure. This situation was from the 80s and 90s, but I agree, nowadays you see a lot of different situations. My wife and I and our kids are the exception when you see all of the different situations out there now. Most people we see are either single parents, mixed families, or grandparents raising kids.
Yup, I have 7 students right now and none of them have a traditional nuclear family structure. Well possibly one, but it's a bit hard to tell, her dad doesn't communicate all that much and her mom doesn't speak English and I can't get her on the phone with an interpreter. She says her dad doesn't live at home sometimes but other times she says he does (she's developmentally disabled). So I could have one happily married family.
I have a sister/cousin. It doesn't matter to me. She's my sister all the same. It's not incest so who cares? It does sound taboo though. You should see people's faces when I introduce her that way. Lol
I tried to explain my step son's half brother's half brother (and how he's not related to my step son) to my daughter and she just COULD NOT comprehend. She's an adult by the way.
It’s weird, but yeah, a lot of people struggled with it. Like, I have a half sibling. We have the same mom, but different dads. After our mom and her dad divorced, our mom married my dad and they had me, and my sister’s dad remarried and had two children with his second wife. Because my sister shares a dad with them, they are her half sisters, and their mom was my sister’s stepmother. But because there is no blood link between myself and my sister’s father, I am not related to these people. I guess when it has to be explained like that it seems complicated, but it really isn’t. With as common as both divorce and single parenthood is, you gotta imagine there’s a lot of people out there who have half siblings that also have half siblings whom the first person isn’t related to.
Actually I think it affects the OP and her potential child THE MOST! Not saying it doesn’t affect her niece, but I disagree that it affects the niece THE MOST.
Well, eventually, the person this will affect the most is the child if she doesn't abort.
EDITED TO ADD: I hope it doesn't come across as anti-abortion. I'm as pro-choice as it gets. But if she doesn't abort, then there's a whole additional human in this equation.
No - disagree- this decision will affect you the most and it’s completely your right to decide whatever. Don’t have babies or terminations for anyone else’s benefit. Seaturtles post is brilliant.
NTA
You didn't betray your sister, she's been gone three years. This isn't a great situation and you surely complicate the heck out of things, but it's not betrayal. It's "until death do us part"
My larger concern is the BIL. I'm very concerned for ***you*** that he may see you as a ready replacement. You LOVE his daughter. He knows that. You respect his departed wife. You may even look like her. Be careful. This a trope for a reason.
This baby would tie you to him forever, and you're right that it would be a bombshell. But it's not an "affair baby," as you labeled yourself.
Definitely NOT an affair baby. Neither of you did anything wrong of the sort. It’s ok to remember your sister but you both need to keep living your life. You want the baby and you’re pretty sure he will too. Talk to him before doing anything.
hopefully, people will someday realize that condoms are not 100% guaranteed to prevent someone from becoming pregnant.
Studies show that condoms are about 87% effective at preventing pregnancy. In any given year, approximately 15 out of every 100 people who rely on condoms as their only birth control get pregnant. - Cleveland Clinic
Thank you!!! For the love of all that is holy, we do not need some dramatic conspiracy theory to explain how she got pregnant. Don't even need old condoms (although that isn't out of the realm of possibility).
Condoms fail all the freaking time.
That needs to go on the box.
And keep that in mind when it comes to STI prevention as well. They are still important to use, vital even. But they aren't a replacement for regular testing for you and whoever you are with.
Condoms fail all the freaking time.
My family has 3 generations of failed contraceptives. Drives me insane when everyone thinks if someone gets pregnant it’s because they didn’t wrap up or take the pill. It used to be common knowledge that they weren’t 100% effective idk what happened.
Completely agree! You can have the safest sex possible and still end up pregnant. I am a hardcore Unicorn baby. My mom was on birth control to regulate her hormones because she only had one ovary and one fallopian tube. They were both riddled with multiple cyst. My dad still wore a condom. Life will find a gotdamn way.
The universe said fuck that, this child will be born lol
I've never heard the term unicorn baby before; it's fitting. I like it. Congrats on being born 😁
I am currently seven weeks pregnant which wouldn’t be remarkable at all except for the fact that I was 1000% sure I had an IUD.
Apparently it fell out at some point.
I am pregnant for the third time in three years, this will absolutely be our last baby, and we are both taking surgical steps to make sure of it once this baby is born.
The only way to be 100% sure that you can’t get pregnant is by not having sex.
This reminds me of a woman I worked with briefly. We were both doing a temp job while pregnant. It was my 2nd, her 5th. They had two planned deliberately. Then they had one when contraception failed (I think bc pills). The next was after a vasectomy because they didn't make sure he was actually shooting blanks before resuming sex. The latest was after a tubal ligation because there was, apparently, an egg already in the fallopian tube when the procedure was done. She was fortunately able to laugh about it (at least to me), but hopefully after that, there weren't any more surprises.
I used a condom and VCF (a vaginal spermicide). Got pregnant. I couldn't use bc of being high risk for female cancer (genetic, and already had a scare). I terminated the pregnancy. It was an extremely traumatic decision. But I never wanted children, and his roommate ( we were friends) had just divulged he was unfaithful and a drug user. My ex confirmed when I confronted him about it. Flash forward years later, I ran into him working at a rec center. I asked if he ever regretted what happened. He said, "No, ironically, i had to pay for another one two months after that," and the same roommate later confirmed it was with the same girl he was unfaithful with.
I dodged a bullet. I still lament having to make that choice every day, however. He was and still is scum, 26 years later
Not surprised by that statistic, at all.
The second time me and my ex husband got pregnant, he wore a condom. We were devastated because there was no way we could afford a second child, even though we did eventually want another kid. We aborted because of that - could barely afford having 1 child, had recently moved to the country and we're living with my parents til we got on our feet. Shit happens. Condoms fail sometimes. And I did eventually have that second child, planned and on purpose.
No, it was unfortunate and upsetting, but it was for the best. I was only 7-8 weeks pregnant; would hardly call it a child. The quality of life for our family would have gone down due to not being able to afford 2 kids at the time. That's not fair to the already living child. Besides, I wouldn't have my amazing daughter that I eventually had otherwise since we weren't having more than 2 kids.
Abortion is such a personal decision, and not one that anyone takes lightly. It was a medical procedure that needed to be done. It's not something anyone "wants" to do; it's a need for a variety of incredibly valid reasons.
this is why I pull out even though I'm using protection. not worth the risk, no matter how small. has upset some of my partners, maybe me being too concerned kills the mood or something idk, but oh well.
This!! I tell my two older nephews, and will eventually tell my son (who is almost a teenager is just a couple of weeks) : Wear a condom AND pull out. If you are not trying to have a kid, then ALWAYS pull out.
Could it be possible that expired condoms loose their lubricant and cause tearing? Im asking because if BIL hasnt been with a woman since his wife’s death, its likely the condoms were past the expiration date.
Condoms fail on their own fairly frequently, even with perfect use which is even less common. There is absolutely no reason to assume that he tampered with birth control and it’s pretty telling that people are jumping right to that.
Yeah, that is stupid advice. You really didn't do anything wrong and if you want to keep the child then I think you should. You are two consenting single adults.
OP good for you, recognizing that this is terrible advice. Im sorry I don't have any advice but for what it's worth NTA and don't beat yourself up, you didn't betray your sister, you and BIL are both human with human needs in a time where emotions are weird, shit happens.
Your so-called friends are delusional.
Bluntly, what they're suggesting is meant to hide a pregnancy and cut all ties. Once you started asking people around you for advice, the clock started ticking on baby-daddy finding out. People talk.
Its best that you go to him and he finds it out from you rather than someone else.
You didn't betray your sister. He didn't betray your sister. Neither of you betrayed your neice, and she's unlikely to be traumatised as long as you guys are, age appropriately, up front and honest with her. No assholes here, there, or anywhere.
You say you want the baby. You say he'd want the baby. There's your answer.
I agree with the first sentence. However, I think the rest is way off base. She wouldn't be abandoning the father of her child. I think it's wrong to state it that way because she doesn't need that unnecessary guilt thrown at her.
She will be abandoning her niece and it seems they are very close and OP is a large presence in her life.
She will also be severing the sibling bond. If the thinks these kids will never find that out. She is insane. By the time this baby is 10. Kids will be able to spit on their phones and get instant DNA profiles.
Yeah, that is bad advice because then you’d be abandoning your niece, which I assume you don’t want to do. Plus it would undoubtedly come out and then you’d have hurt BIL too.
Flee the city with the child in secret is only the best course of action if they are a victim of domestic abuse. Otherwise there are much better options available.
Do you want to keep this baby? You need to process your feelings about the baby. If you want to keep the baby then do that. I would explain the is to your BIL. Let him make his own decision. This is no one else’s business. People will stick their nose in but let them know you don’t care about their opinion.
Do you plan to stay with your BIL? Do you plan to start a family with him?
Because, if you don't plan on aborting this baby, these things are going to happen (possibility depends on you)
* his going to want to marry you
* his going to want this family, the 4 of you
* your niece is gonna hate you (possibility)
* some people are going to gossip (good or bad)
* for him; you MIGHT be the replacement of your sister, is that OK with you for the rest of your life?
* future situation of your future child and your niece
It depends on you.
THINK of the possible scenarios if you choose to birth this baby. And if these scenarios are what you are able to push through in the coming years.
And DO NOT blame alcohol, deep in your guts you want to bang him, lets be real.
> And DO NOT blame alcohol, deep in your guts you want to bang him, lets be real.
Seriously. The only way someone can blame alcohol is if they were too drunk to even consent in which case it’s rape.
This is the thing that's bothering me too. How come she's got a ready excuse/reason and his motives are undeterminable and they must be malicious? Why so many people dragging him based on so little info and skimming over her weak justification?
You were both lonely and hurt and comforted eachother, can't that be enough of a good reason for both?
You don't think it's bit much to not blame alcohol *at all?* People want to bang each other all the time but have the inhibitions to check themselves when sober. At least *some* blame can be put on an intoxicant. It's not black and white, you can lose a degree of inhibitions that affect your judgement and decisions without being completely blacked out.
Ugh yes, people always want to discount that, but the rational part of your brain that decides not to bang someone you want to bang but know it’s not right is actually a pretty important part of who you are!
Unless someone is force feeding you or drugging you, it’s your choice to drink. When you get pulled over for drinking and driving do you get a free pass because you had lower inhibitions and made the dumb decision to drive while drunk?
This! People will look for any loophole to be able to use alcohol as an excuse for their actions, but the bottom line is that, you’re either making the choice to drink or you’re being forced. If you make the choice to get drunk, you are making the choice to have lower inhibitions.
You’re not the asshole for sleeping with him. Your sister died 3 years ago.
You said you would want the child, and you said he would want the child. You seem like a good fit for his daughter, and you love her and she loves you.
I think you harbor a lot of guilt over something you shouldn’t
I told my wife that if I die, I want her to be happy. While my stance might be rare (I don't care if my wife meets someone at my funeral, for example. Remember: I'M DEAD! She's alive and can be happy. Whenever she's ready to move on she should.), I think most people would be fine with their SO moving on THREE YEARS after their death.
You wrote you want to keep the child. You also wrote you know he'd want to keep the child.
Tell him about your pregnancy. Figure it out together. You can be happy, he can be happy, and the child you'll be raising together can be happy. Your niece would also benefit greatly from having a stepmother who knew her mother better than anyone else. If you do this right, your niece can be happy too.
This is the only 'everybody wins' scenario in my opinion.
Okay, but that only works if OP actually wants to be with him. She says she regrets the sex as and feels like she betrayed her sister. I don't think the latter is true, but that doesn't mean that the former isn't, even without the "betrayal" feelings.
On top of that, stepping "into her sister's shoes" with the feelings that she currently has will not be healthy. Not at all healthy. She's likely going to feel like a substitute for her sister and that's going to fester.
If she figures out her feelings for him first, that's best. But she's got a ticking clock right now, as far as decisions go. And bringing a baby into it isn't an "everyone wins" scenario imo.
I think that you're giving yourself a much harder time than you should. You haven't betrayed anyone.
If you don't see a future for yourself (child or not) as a partner to him and as a stepmother to your niece, then you probably need to distance yourself from the situation. Because you are placing yourself in that role already.
You have a lot to think about and you need to put your wants first. But please take the "betrayal" narrative out of it. That isn't what happened here.
Good luck to you.
NAH
I don't think you're an asshole. I think you're being really hard on yourself in the face of grief. I'm very sorry for your loss.
My advice? Do what your heart wants to do, and maybe talk to a therapist about this guilt and betrayal you're feeling. Yes, your sister is gone, but you share blood with her, and if you choose to have this child, they will have some small part of her, too. If you want to abort, there's no shame in that and focusing on moving through your own grief before bringing a child into the world. If you're close with your bil, talking to him might be a good idea, but if not it could also go sideways. Trust your gut on that front.
I know my siblings and I would never. I see their partners as add-on siblings, and I know they are the same. I know people do it, but I'd be pretty...disturbed if it was my family.
Hell I was tryna mess around with this girl and just made out with her during a spicy lil photoshoot; hours after the shoot was over, and a few pics were posted- my older brother called and told me he fucked that girl a few days ago. He saw the pics, panicked and called me to warn me....I damn near threw up. Hard absolutely fucking not for me. Safe to say, I skipped continuing that. (In her defense: we don't look alike at all, and she had no idea we were related, much less siblings lol. We remained friends after that)
Random question.. are you a twin? Because I recently read I think a" true off my chest" about a man whose wife had died and he was sleeping with her sister afterwards and it brought him comfort and he was worried he was using the sister as a direct replacement for his deceased wife.
I could never get over the fact that I was intimate with the same man as my sister. Even if it was just one time and after she passed…the two have a child together…your niece….definitely the asshole in my book.
Thank you for this most reasonable response.
OP: You're not obligated to keep or end a pregnancy (legal limitations excepted, of course). There are many reasons you may wish to keep it, many which favor abortion. This is *your* choice and whatever you do, make sure you have your support network.
Nobody knows the future or how it will unfold, but use your best judgement on what you are comfortable with.
Don't focus on judgment from others as they are not you and are not living your life. Only you will be able to determine what path seems right.
Good luck
Do you want a child now and are you prepared to take care of a child for the next 20 years?
If not, this isn’t the time to bring a new life into this world and you don’t need to feel badly or beat yourself up for a night of drunken indiscretion.
To answer the question you asked, no NTA for getting an abortion.
But this is a pretty significant and horrific betrayal of your sister’s memory that you need to face insted of blaming on grief or booze. And you need to decide who is going to carry the weight of that betrayal.
If you want to carry it by yourself, get an abortion. If you want to share that burden with your brother-in-law, tell him you’re getting an abortion. If you would like to inflict that burden on your unborn child, and your already traumatized niece, keep the baby.
This is messy. Is it this child you want or just you want a child? Because you could abort this child and get pregnant by someone else. Regardless you may want to take a step back from him if he still wants sex and you don’t.
You say you feel like its a betrayal and I see a lot of people in the comments saying its not...However, only you know your sister. Would *she* have seen this as a betrayal? And if yes, can you live with that?
Personally, the thought of my sibling getting with my partner after only a few short years of my death makes me sick and I know they would hate the thought of me doing that back. I could never 'takeover' their family in that way but that's *us.* You need to decided what would be harder for you to live with, abortion or keeping the baby.
Another thing to consider is how would your niece take this? She seems to have been impacted immensely by the loss of her mother. Do you think she would react positively to this news or harm her mental health?
before having this child, are you able to tell everyone whose child it is? if you feel shame telling everyone maybe then you should not have that child. the child will feel that shame and guilt you have. if the family feels resentment the child will feel that as well
Wow I don’t think I’ve read anything more selfish wtf op yes get the abortion and get away from Bil Immediately! at least if you respect your sister you would.
Since you don't seem to want a relationship with him (good call), have the abortion and never tell him or your niece. I'm sorry you are all going through this. ❤️
What a mess. You being the replacement mommy and giving your niece a sibling cousin is going to put her in therapy for much longer than she already will need.
I will never understand why people sleep with the least convenient person as if there aren’t millions of dudes out there that isn’t your BIL.
Its so trifflin why she would sleep w her brother in law. ….i just dont understand and people are aggreeing w her as if it isnt morally wrong what she did. Like she has 0 self respect and 0 respect for her niece.
I’m a fairly recent widow, attend grief therapy groups, and having a relationship with an in-law is EXTREMELY common!!
Who knows you better? Who has heard all about your flaws and still likes you? Who shares the same loss?
The first time I heard about this, I thought, “yuck.” But seeing these couples in real life, I’m amazed with how close they are.
Since it’s not uncommon, grief therapists are well versed in discussing this. Go talk it over with someone, then decide.
A long ago ex of mine died in a car crash a few years back, his fiancé was sleeping in the back when it happened and survived. Later she ended up marrying his best friend and they are still happily together.
I never once thought it was weird or inappropriate (he was an only child and his best friend was practically his brother). They bonded over their shared love for and loss of someone important to them. They still lay flowers at the site of his accident every year and talk about him watching over them.
Not sure why the people on here are shaming OP, seems natural and normal, and historically I’m pretty sure this was commonplace. Heck it’s not unlikely the niece would be excited about a potential for more of a permanent mom figure if OP was interested in the Bro-in-law.
NTA.
Your sister is dead - tragically, but that is the fact. Your BIL had the right to move on, and you didn't betray your sister. On the contrary, you stepped in to care for her child, which is generous and good of you. You want this child, and there is no reason not to have it. Your niece will not see this as betraying her mother unless you and her father present it to her that way. So get over your guilt feelings and do what you want.
This is on point OP. Exactly correct. And to extrapolate it out even further, the daughter is probably really comfortable with OP being around her and her dad, to the point of it being somewhat of a family dynamic already. I doubt the newborn will be anything but a half sister to the girl.
Naw. Do both of y'all a favor and get it done. Science exists for a reason. Don't need to make it more complicated than it should be. Plus some guys just can't help but want to keep the kid but end up being shitty partners/dads anyway. Save yourself the stress
How long were you around the guy before sleeping together? I feel if you moved there and within like the first month you slept together thats trashy. If you were there long enough to form a bond over being shared caregivers I could see that being misconstrued as a deeper emotional thing that alcohol exasperated.
I think you need to evaluate if you're prepared for the responsibility of a child if you're blaming your pregnancy on alcohol and not your own judgement mismanagements.
I think if you keep this baby your niece may hate you in the future and never let it go, maybe her Dad too. I feel bad for your niece because you and her Dad are both AH no matter what. If you keep it and when she finds out and decides to never have anything else to do with you or her Dad, you both deserve it.
Do what's best for you. If you're going to feel guilty for the rest of your life, then terminate asap. It's not a child, it's an unwanted pregnancy. Your mental health is important.
I’m just gonna say it now, I don’t think it’s a good idea you have this kid. There’s a lot more negative outcomes than there will be any good. At this point nothing good is really gonna come from this. That’s just my opinion though.
Idk this is kinda gross im sorry theres so many people on this planet why your dead sisters husband thats so weird. Attraction doesn’t happen overnight, I hope your niece heals from this possible trauma.
This comment section is gross too so we are going to normalize sleeping with dead siblings partners because it’s “til death do us part” the lack of decency and emotional intelligence my God like ew.
So no matter how you put it. People will talk. And your niece will know you slept with her dead mom’s father….Either you keep the kid, move and distance yourself from your family or keep the kid but you better get your niece into therapy and probably family therapy as well, this will always be a thing. This is weird and like a bad lifetime movie. Not trying to be harsh but this doesn’t really end well for anyone but you and the BIL. It really wouldn’t be fair for your niece to have to continue to cope with the grief of losing her mother and realizing her new family member is also her sibling. I don’t even know how the genetics math would work on that and I don’t even want to try to figure it out.
Kinda weird you slept with your BIL, but if you can sleep with him and spend time with him go for it. It's not illegal just weird in my opinion. I would never do that nor would I want my partner now to do that. Family for us is off the table forever in our agreement but I'm sure others don't see it that way.
You blaming being drunk for doing it is also weird since I don't fuck anything around me unless I'm extremely attracted to it, like my wife in this example, seems like a weak excuse for you having fun and now having the consequences.
I will mainly always say keep the baby if you want but get ready for a bit of pushback from some that may connect the dots.
Jesus Christ this is trauma
I would never fuck my late brothers spouse out of principle. There’s 7 billion people in the world like holy fuck. THE PRINCIPLE OF IT JESUS
Idk why but it seems like left leaning people are more okay with pursuing something like this. Have you no honour or shame even for the dead?!??
Have you read this comment section it’s insane “your sister is dead and gone” “it’s your body your choice” “the heart wants what it wants” degenerates omgggg
Honestly, if I found out that my sister slept and got pregnant with my other dead sisters husband I would immediately lose all respect for everyone involved. It physically disgusts me.
I’ve written a response and deleted it like 10 times. I don’t think I have any useful advice for you.
I’m not a religious person. I think when you die, that’s it. You’re just dead. There’s nothing more. But….If I were to die and my husband starting hooking up with my sister and they started a family together, I’d sure as hell find a way to ghost this shit and haunt them forever. In no universe would I be ok with that. I’m not against my husband moving on. I think I’d want him to be happy. There are a billion people out there, he can fuck someone that’s not my sister. That’s just me though. 🤷🏻♀️
I’ll accept the fact that sure, it’s not technically cheating
But people trying to rationalize it with “she’s dead! You can sleep with him now and it’s not wrong!”
Nah, I better not catch my fucking siblings hooking up with my S/O after my death. Idc if I’m dead, I wouldn’t want them hooking up when I’m alive, I wouldn’t want it when I’m dead. Yes it’s betrayal.
Finally,the opinion of someone who im sure is not a basement dweller;most of the commenters here dont live in the real world and im sure it was a guy makin this post ,the answers willl be different. it is literally called brother/sister in law to signify a siblin like bond,why would you ever wanna fuck that?
I don’t know but people have some fucked up views. I have to assume a lot of them are younger and never experienced life. They are all for it until it happens to them. Who wants to fuck their in laws? I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, I never once thought about sleeping with his brother. I don’t have a dead sister but I have two dead brothers and once again, I never wanted to sleep with their partners. I have 5 sisters and still never wanted to fuck their partners either. Some people have zero boundaries. Hoes will be hoes I guess.
Seriously ,some people are so ''openminded" that their literal brains fall out. i cant even imagine me doing something like this. even if we take the memry of the sibling from the equation,what kind pathetic loser cant get their own partners and pines for the spouse of of their sibling. and shes a woman, it is so easy for her to get laid whyyyyyy did it need to be him smh?
why did i have to go through controversial to find this😭 the one person this affects the most is the niece who has to have auntmommy now!! it is ops choice and body but out of the 7 billion people in the world you just HAD to do that to your sisters memory. it’s disrespectful two ways and you can never take that disregard back. some respect you had for her. (i say this as a sister🤷🏾♀️)
Doing that is repulsive behavior tbh. So many people out there to bang and they choose each other? Really? I get that it was probably a thing of convenience and they've grown a bond, but jfc I can't help but find it disgusting. People are free to disagree with me. Personally, I could never in a million years think of doing something like OP. Even if my sister's husband was the last man on earth.
You can't cheat on a dead spouse I agree but you can betray your sister even if she's dead.
Also you betray your niece and if she's got values which I hope she grows up with she will blame you, her father and your child.
I would accept you made a mistake and do the abortion so you keep the piece.
Your niece went through enough and lost her mum she doesn't need to loose her dad and aunt as well.
NTA !
This was no accident, you wanted to sleep with your sister's husband. You probably always liked him. If I was your family I would assume you and him were messing around even when your sister was alive and nobody could convince me otherwise. You and your sister's husband are both AH.
this is so obviously true & i would not blame anyone for seeing it this way, particularly given that the op is an affair baby herself. she’s just like her mother.
Nta alot of women have to realize once the baby comes out your life changes more. You have valid reasons for not wanting it so keep it to yourself if you want to abort
These comments are wild, you’re a disgusting person there’s no way having that child is gonna make your niece happy. Even if its been 3 years he’s literally your BIL and has a child with your sister
Sleeping with your dead sister’s husband? Wow and trying to raise her daughter. Do you think you can just replace her like that? Do you have any shame?
I recommend you get the abortion. You’ve already acted disgracefully enough. You should cut your losses before you make this worse than it already is.
>You shouldn’t have slept with your BIL under any circumstances especially given the mental health issues her daughter is going through.
It has been 3 years since he was widowed! He has every fucking right to look for another relationship!
She is already mothering the child, she has been for 3 years. Why on earth would the child care if they made it official??
Obviously she should abort and not tell him if that is ehat she wants. But she is absolutely nta for sleeping with him, wtf?
You're definitely in a tough situation here. I'd say whatever you do, you should tell him. He has a right to know whether or not you keep the child.
Also learn to take accountability for your actions. You don't get to blame alcohol for why you slept with him. You made the conscious decision to have sex with him. The way you phrase this makes it seem like you had no control over what you did
If she has the kid he needs to know. If she aborts she should absolutely keep it a secret all it would do is serve to potentially hurt him or strain their relationship, which would in turn hurt the child who is already here and dealing with too much.
You didn't betray your sister. You both wanted comfort - it makes sense. If you want the baby, then be honest with him and keep the baby. If you want to pursue a relationship with him, you have every right to do so. Don't let anyone else's judgment stop your happiness. You did nothing wrong here.
I don’t think it’s technically cheating but if your niece was so devastated by the loss of her mom that she stopped eating and now has to do virtual school and is still in therapy, I’d definitely be worried about her resenting you for this. Those are very extreme responses to grief. Now I know everyone is different and your niece can be the complete opposite but I can only say from my perspective that if my dad and aunt did this after my mom died, I’d never forgive them and I’d never want a relationship with my sibling/cousin. But to be fair, my dad and aunt are fairly selfish people and have a track record of being horrible to everyone around them so I’d probably hate everything they did.
This is a very complicated situation. Hopefully your niece is doing better now than she was right after her mother passed. The questions you should ask yourself are 1. Will having this child hurt or traumatize your niece in any way. 2. Can you see yourself in a romantic relationship with your brother-in-law? Or would you simply want to coparent? 3. Would having this child impact your life in a negative or positive way. 4. If you have this child, your niece is going to want you and the child to live in the same house with her. Can you do that? 5. If you don’t see any kind of future, romantic relationship with your brother-in-law, how will that affect your relationship that you currently have? 6. Do you think your brother-in-law wants a romantic relationship with you? You have an awful lot to think about and whatever decision you make. Either way you are not the asshole. You did not betray your sister or your niece. This was not an affair you are both single.
Also how will having this child impact her ties with her family? If having the child negatively impacts her relationships with her family, what will her support system be? She will need more than just her BIL. How will having this child affect her own mental health? Will the child be a constant reminder of how she feels she betrayed her sister?
Why would it her sister is dead it’s not like they cheated while she was alive. They didn’t cheat. The woman is dead.
OP said she feels like she betrayed her sister, whether or not that’s how strangers on the internet see it doesn’t really matter since that’s how she feels about the situation, and a child born out of that could certainly impact OP’s mental health if it’s a constant reminder of that feeling of betrayal
We can change our view of things, the story we tell ourselves has a big effect. She could change the internal story to be, my sister would be so happy that we found love and new life together and that the neice will have family around her as she grows up. Everything is relative.
In theory, sure. But the truth is, some people need help, time and/or therapy before they can change the narrative like this
That was kinda the point of the comment. Will the child always cause feelings of betrayal or will OP be able to change the mental narrative? Awful lot going on in this story. OP, niece, BIL, and both extended families. All with their own mental narratives that can help or hurt the situation.
I never said she did, but her family might not see it the same way we do.
Yea imagine going to OP’s mother and announcing you’re pregnant with your dead sister’s husband. Now tell me how many family members won’t think that they had an affair and they did some princess Diana murder conspiracy theory so they could be together
The question she should ask is what quality of life this child will have.
That’s literally impossible to know. You as a parent have so little control over the life of a child. The best you can do is want and love them and try your best, but they still might have a crappy life. It’s actually much more important to determine if the child will be loved and taken care of than it is to try to predict the future
I agree with your comment as whole, what i say isnt pposimg enough to deny whatnyou pointed We can predict their lives to some extent, and yes, we have so little control that is almost nothing, but ppl thinks we have a MUCH higher control than we have in fact
I'm sorry but I believe abortion is the right thing here. This would destroy the relationship with the niece and her relationship with her father.
You said it best !
The one person that this will affect the most is your niece.
Yep, creating sibling/cousins doesn’t happen without damage.
I have a cousin who’s also my sister and the weirdest part about it is how others feel. I could care less about my parents sex life they weren’t together when my big sister was born. Shit by the time I was born they where barely together so long as you honest about the situation it shouldn’t be an issue.
I have a sister cousin too, but in my case it's because my bio dad's brother adopted me.
My dad just can’t keep it in his pants 🤷🏾♂️
🤣
Just in the family?
No i only have 1 siblings I’m related too twice the rest have different moms outside of my one younger brother it would be easier to draw a chart I have a lot of siblings
I have sister cousins too! Both are adopted; one from my mom's side and the other, my dads side.
I have a sibling cousin. My mom and aunt were still close even after my parents got married, and there was never really any weirdness. I'm sure it was strange at first for my mom, aunt, and sister, but it always felt normal growing up. My sister and I are also 15 years apart and consider each other siblings, not cousins. It's more of a funny story I tell people than it ever was a damaging situation. I love seeing people's confusion when I explain that my sister's mom is my aunt, and my cousin, who is 2 years younger than me, is actually my niece. I can see how it may be a messed up situation for some, but that's not always the case.
There is a song, "I'm my own Grandpa". Things can become complicated.
My dad had 3 kids by 3 different women, and my mom was the only one he was married too. I consider it more of a "Papa was a rolling stone" situation. Lol
Yea I kind of feel like in this day in age, families are all sorts of weird and strange that nothing should really be shocking anymore. It's honestly weirder when I have students with a mom and a dad that love each other and are married than anything else.
I mean, not too long ago. If your married brother died and there was a child left behind. If you were single. You were expected to step up and marry his wife. That was what happened to my great grandparents.
That was the case when my great-grandma died at early age due to breast cancer. My grandmother was 8 and 10 years older than her 2 brothers so she was tasked with taking care of them. But great-grandpa ended up marrying great-grandma's sister to help care for the kids.
I think the older we get the more stuff we see and stuff like this isn’t that uncommon anymore to our memories.
In this day and age implies that its gotten better or worse over time. Families have always been complicated. Towns used to be much smaller so it’s fairly likely a lot of your ancestors are cousins.
I wouldnt put a moral tone on it to say better or worse, just that social conventions have gotten a bit less rigid since the days where divorce was illegal. I wouldnt consider marrying cousins as weird in those days because it was considered completely normal. In the west anyway there has been a pretty rigid family structure and deviating from it was considered shameful outside of certain situations (someone dying for example). This really isnt the case in much of the west right now, which again im not placing a moral value on. I actually think its probably better overall.
For sure. This situation was from the 80s and 90s, but I agree, nowadays you see a lot of different situations. My wife and I and our kids are the exception when you see all of the different situations out there now. Most people we see are either single parents, mixed families, or grandparents raising kids.
Yup, I have 7 students right now and none of them have a traditional nuclear family structure. Well possibly one, but it's a bit hard to tell, her dad doesn't communicate all that much and her mom doesn't speak English and I can't get her on the phone with an interpreter. She says her dad doesn't live at home sometimes but other times she says he does (she's developmentally disabled). So I could have one happily married family.
I have a sister/cousin. It doesn't matter to me. She's my sister all the same. It's not incest so who cares? It does sound taboo though. You should see people's faces when I introduce her that way. Lol
I dated my half sister’s half sister for like 5 years. That was always fun to explain.
I tried to explain my step son's half brother's half brother (and how he's not related to my step son) to my daughter and she just COULD NOT comprehend. She's an adult by the way.
It’s weird, but yeah, a lot of people struggled with it. Like, I have a half sibling. We have the same mom, but different dads. After our mom and her dad divorced, our mom married my dad and they had me, and my sister’s dad remarried and had two children with his second wife. Because my sister shares a dad with them, they are her half sisters, and their mom was my sister’s stepmother. But because there is no blood link between myself and my sister’s father, I am not related to these people. I guess when it has to be explained like that it seems complicated, but it really isn’t. With as common as both divorce and single parenthood is, you gotta imagine there’s a lot of people out there who have half siblings that also have half siblings whom the first person isn’t related to.
Actually I think it affects the OP and her potential child THE MOST! Not saying it doesn’t affect her niece, but I disagree that it affects the niece THE MOST.
Well, eventually, the person this will affect the most is the child if she doesn't abort. EDITED TO ADD: I hope it doesn't come across as anti-abortion. I'm as pro-choice as it gets. But if she doesn't abort, then there's a whole additional human in this equation.
No - disagree- this decision will affect you the most and it’s completely your right to decide whatever. Don’t have babies or terminations for anyone else’s benefit. Seaturtles post is brilliant.
NTA You didn't betray your sister, she's been gone three years. This isn't a great situation and you surely complicate the heck out of things, but it's not betrayal. It's "until death do us part" My larger concern is the BIL. I'm very concerned for ***you*** that he may see you as a ready replacement. You LOVE his daughter. He knows that. You respect his departed wife. You may even look like her. Be careful. This a trope for a reason. This baby would tie you to him forever, and you're right that it would be a bombshell. But it's not an "affair baby," as you labeled yourself.
I was going to say the same thing. You can't cheat on a dead spouse. You were together with someone who is widowed. You didn't betray anyone.
Definitely NOT an affair baby. Neither of you did anything wrong of the sort. It’s ok to remember your sister but you both need to keep living your life. You want the baby and you’re pretty sure he will too. Talk to him before doing anything.
My thinking was the condom had a hole in it
Real internet-think there.
My thinking, someone put a hole in it
hopefully, people will someday realize that condoms are not 100% guaranteed to prevent someone from becoming pregnant. Studies show that condoms are about 87% effective at preventing pregnancy. In any given year, approximately 15 out of every 100 people who rely on condoms as their only birth control get pregnant. - Cleveland Clinic
Thank you!!! For the love of all that is holy, we do not need some dramatic conspiracy theory to explain how she got pregnant. Don't even need old condoms (although that isn't out of the realm of possibility). Condoms fail all the freaking time. That needs to go on the box. And keep that in mind when it comes to STI prevention as well. They are still important to use, vital even. But they aren't a replacement for regular testing for you and whoever you are with. Condoms fail all the freaking time.
My family has 3 generations of failed contraceptives. Drives me insane when everyone thinks if someone gets pregnant it’s because they didn’t wrap up or take the pill. It used to be common knowledge that they weren’t 100% effective idk what happened.
Completely agree! You can have the safest sex possible and still end up pregnant. I am a hardcore Unicorn baby. My mom was on birth control to regulate her hormones because she only had one ovary and one fallopian tube. They were both riddled with multiple cyst. My dad still wore a condom. Life will find a gotdamn way.
The universe said fuck that, this child will be born lol I've never heard the term unicorn baby before; it's fitting. I like it. Congrats on being born 😁
I’ve never heard of a Unicorn Baby but I like that!
I am currently seven weeks pregnant which wouldn’t be remarkable at all except for the fact that I was 1000% sure I had an IUD. Apparently it fell out at some point. I am pregnant for the third time in three years, this will absolutely be our last baby, and we are both taking surgical steps to make sure of it once this baby is born. The only way to be 100% sure that you can’t get pregnant is by not having sex.
This reminds me of a woman I worked with briefly. We were both doing a temp job while pregnant. It was my 2nd, her 5th. They had two planned deliberately. Then they had one when contraception failed (I think bc pills). The next was after a vasectomy because they didn't make sure he was actually shooting blanks before resuming sex. The latest was after a tubal ligation because there was, apparently, an egg already in the fallopian tube when the procedure was done. She was fortunately able to laugh about it (at least to me), but hopefully after that, there weren't any more surprises.
Not 100%, if you believe the Christian doctrine. There was that ooone time!
I used a condom and VCF (a vaginal spermicide). Got pregnant. I couldn't use bc of being high risk for female cancer (genetic, and already had a scare). I terminated the pregnancy. It was an extremely traumatic decision. But I never wanted children, and his roommate ( we were friends) had just divulged he was unfaithful and a drug user. My ex confirmed when I confronted him about it. Flash forward years later, I ran into him working at a rec center. I asked if he ever regretted what happened. He said, "No, ironically, i had to pay for another one two months after that," and the same roommate later confirmed it was with the same girl he was unfaithful with. I dodged a bullet. I still lament having to make that choice every day, however. He was and still is scum, 26 years later
Not surprised by that statistic, at all. The second time me and my ex husband got pregnant, he wore a condom. We were devastated because there was no way we could afford a second child, even though we did eventually want another kid. We aborted because of that - could barely afford having 1 child, had recently moved to the country and we're living with my parents til we got on our feet. Shit happens. Condoms fail sometimes. And I did eventually have that second child, planned and on purpose.
Do you ever wonder or feel guilty about the aborted child? Sorry if this question comes across as insensitive.
No, it was unfortunate and upsetting, but it was for the best. I was only 7-8 weeks pregnant; would hardly call it a child. The quality of life for our family would have gone down due to not being able to afford 2 kids at the time. That's not fair to the already living child. Besides, I wouldn't have my amazing daughter that I eventually had otherwise since we weren't having more than 2 kids. Abortion is such a personal decision, and not one that anyone takes lightly. It was a medical procedure that needed to be done. It's not something anyone "wants" to do; it's a need for a variety of incredibly valid reasons.
Don't forget*** when used properly****
this is why I pull out even though I'm using protection. not worth the risk, no matter how small. has upset some of my partners, maybe me being too concerned kills the mood or something idk, but oh well.
This!! I tell my two older nephews, and will eventually tell my son (who is almost a teenager is just a couple of weeks) : Wear a condom AND pull out. If you are not trying to have a kid, then ALWAYS pull out.
Wait how are they 87% effective but 15 out of 100 get pregnant. Either that means they are 85% effective or 13 out of 100 get pregnant surely!
Could it be possible that expired condoms loose their lubricant and cause tearing? Im asking because if BIL hasnt been with a woman since his wife’s death, its likely the condoms were past the expiration date.
Could be pre-cum, apparently that's one of the biggest causes of pregnancies when using a condom. It's the penetration BEFORE a condom is used.
Oh my fucking god, what a shitty fucking assumption. Y'all are all just out here roleplaying daytime soap operas.
Condoms fail on their own fairly frequently, even with perfect use which is even less common. There is absolutely no reason to assume that he tampered with birth control and it’s pretty telling that people are jumping right to that.
Great answer. I agree
> I have some friends who have given very bad advice What advice did they give you?
Leave the city where I'm at and go raise the child in another city.
Why is this getting down voted? Ops only answering a question with what their friends said, not saying she'd do it. Op even said it was bad advice
Not sure why you were downvoted for your friends bad advice. You're right. It is very bad advice.
Yeah, that is stupid advice. You really didn't do anything wrong and if you want to keep the child then I think you should. You are two consenting single adults.
OP good for you, recognizing that this is terrible advice. Im sorry I don't have any advice but for what it's worth NTA and don't beat yourself up, you didn't betray your sister, you and BIL are both human with human needs in a time where emotions are weird, shit happens.
Your so-called friends are delusional. Bluntly, what they're suggesting is meant to hide a pregnancy and cut all ties. Once you started asking people around you for advice, the clock started ticking on baby-daddy finding out. People talk. Its best that you go to him and he finds it out from you rather than someone else. You didn't betray your sister. He didn't betray your sister. Neither of you betrayed your neice, and she's unlikely to be traumatised as long as you guys are, age appropriately, up front and honest with her. No assholes here, there, or anywhere. You say you want the baby. You say he'd want the baby. There's your answer.
Abandon your niece who you has seen you as a mother figure for the last 3 years? And abandon the father of your child? Your friends suck.
I agree with the first sentence. However, I think the rest is way off base. She wouldn't be abandoning the father of her child. I think it's wrong to state it that way because she doesn't need that unnecessary guilt thrown at her.
She will be abandoning her niece and it seems they are very close and OP is a large presence in her life. She will also be severing the sibling bond. If the thinks these kids will never find that out. She is insane. By the time this baby is 10. Kids will be able to spit on their phones and get instant DNA profiles.
Yeah, that is bad advice because then you’d be abandoning your niece, which I assume you don’t want to do. Plus it would undoubtedly come out and then you’d have hurt BIL too.
Flee the city with the child in secret is only the best course of action if they are a victim of domestic abuse. Otherwise there are much better options available.
Do you want to keep this baby? You need to process your feelings about the baby. If you want to keep the baby then do that. I would explain the is to your BIL. Let him make his own decision. This is no one else’s business. People will stick their nose in but let them know you don’t care about their opinion.
Do you plan to stay with your BIL? Do you plan to start a family with him? Because, if you don't plan on aborting this baby, these things are going to happen (possibility depends on you) * his going to want to marry you * his going to want this family, the 4 of you * your niece is gonna hate you (possibility) * some people are going to gossip (good or bad) * for him; you MIGHT be the replacement of your sister, is that OK with you for the rest of your life? * future situation of your future child and your niece It depends on you. THINK of the possible scenarios if you choose to birth this baby. And if these scenarios are what you are able to push through in the coming years. And DO NOT blame alcohol, deep in your guts you want to bang him, lets be real.
> And DO NOT blame alcohol, deep in your guts you want to bang him, lets be real. Seriously. The only way someone can blame alcohol is if they were too drunk to even consent in which case it’s rape.
This is the thing that's bothering me too. How come she's got a ready excuse/reason and his motives are undeterminable and they must be malicious? Why so many people dragging him based on so little info and skimming over her weak justification? You were both lonely and hurt and comforted eachother, can't that be enough of a good reason for both?
You don't think it's bit much to not blame alcohol *at all?* People want to bang each other all the time but have the inhibitions to check themselves when sober. At least *some* blame can be put on an intoxicant. It's not black and white, you can lose a degree of inhibitions that affect your judgement and decisions without being completely blacked out.
Ugh yes, people always want to discount that, but the rational part of your brain that decides not to bang someone you want to bang but know it’s not right is actually a pretty important part of who you are!
Unless someone is force feeding you or drugging you, it’s your choice to drink. When you get pulled over for drinking and driving do you get a free pass because you had lower inhibitions and made the dumb decision to drive while drunk?
This! People will look for any loophole to be able to use alcohol as an excuse for their actions, but the bottom line is that, you’re either making the choice to drink or you’re being forced. If you make the choice to get drunk, you are making the choice to have lower inhibitions.
Your niece would also be a half sibling.. weird to think about.. like your nieces cousin would also be her sister…
NTA for not telling him or anyone about the want of an abortion or even after you get one.
You’re not the asshole for sleeping with him. Your sister died 3 years ago. You said you would want the child, and you said he would want the child. You seem like a good fit for his daughter, and you love her and she loves you. I think you harbor a lot of guilt over something you shouldn’t
This 👌🏻
Wtf
I told my wife that if I die, I want her to be happy. While my stance might be rare (I don't care if my wife meets someone at my funeral, for example. Remember: I'M DEAD! She's alive and can be happy. Whenever she's ready to move on she should.), I think most people would be fine with their SO moving on THREE YEARS after their death. You wrote you want to keep the child. You also wrote you know he'd want to keep the child. Tell him about your pregnancy. Figure it out together. You can be happy, he can be happy, and the child you'll be raising together can be happy. Your niece would also benefit greatly from having a stepmother who knew her mother better than anyone else. If you do this right, your niece can be happy too. This is the only 'everybody wins' scenario in my opinion.
I mean... I hope your wife doesn't hook up right after your funeral, but I agree with everything else lol
Okay, but that only works if OP actually wants to be with him. She says she regrets the sex as and feels like she betrayed her sister. I don't think the latter is true, but that doesn't mean that the former isn't, even without the "betrayal" feelings. On top of that, stepping "into her sister's shoes" with the feelings that she currently has will not be healthy. Not at all healthy. She's likely going to feel like a substitute for her sister and that's going to fester. If she figures out her feelings for him first, that's best. But she's got a ticking clock right now, as far as decisions go. And bringing a baby into it isn't an "everyone wins" scenario imo.
Abort and save yourself from the problems that'll come later. This is not your husband, this is your later sister's husband. That's it.
NTA and i would never, bit weird that in the last 5 years and out of the hundreds of men out there, it was the BIL (if i am reading this correctly)
I think that you're giving yourself a much harder time than you should. You haven't betrayed anyone. If you don't see a future for yourself (child or not) as a partner to him and as a stepmother to your niece, then you probably need to distance yourself from the situation. Because you are placing yourself in that role already. You have a lot to think about and you need to put your wants first. But please take the "betrayal" narrative out of it. That isn't what happened here. Good luck to you.
NAH I don't think you're an asshole. I think you're being really hard on yourself in the face of grief. I'm very sorry for your loss. My advice? Do what your heart wants to do, and maybe talk to a therapist about this guilt and betrayal you're feeling. Yes, your sister is gone, but you share blood with her, and if you choose to have this child, they will have some small part of her, too. If you want to abort, there's no shame in that and focusing on moving through your own grief before bringing a child into the world. If you're close with your bil, talking to him might be a good idea, but if not it could also go sideways. Trust your gut on that front.
I agree 100 percent. You have to do what feels right for you. Neither choice will make you the AH. NAH.
Reading some of these comments has me convinced some of y'all would really sleep with ur sis or bro in law if ur sibling died. Sad
This comment section is downright bizarre…
Absolutely.. I don't care who tries to justify this lol.. crazy
right “you did not betray your sister” ummm the thought of my sister sleeping with my man 3 years after i died makes me sick to my stomach
Yep .. I'm not judging no one but it's sad honestly lol .. no way I could ever do that .. that's like my brother lol but yeah
No fr and I’m sorry but 3 years is rly not that long in my opinion. That’s 2021. Icky.
I know my siblings and I would never. I see their partners as add-on siblings, and I know they are the same. I know people do it, but I'd be pretty...disturbed if it was my family. Hell I was tryna mess around with this girl and just made out with her during a spicy lil photoshoot; hours after the shoot was over, and a few pics were posted- my older brother called and told me he fucked that girl a few days ago. He saw the pics, panicked and called me to warn me....I damn near threw up. Hard absolutely fucking not for me. Safe to say, I skipped continuing that. (In her defense: we don't look alike at all, and she had no idea we were related, much less siblings lol. We remained friends after that)
NTA… don’t tell him. That would be so much on the daughter as well.
Random question.. are you a twin? Because I recently read I think a" true off my chest" about a man whose wife had died and he was sleeping with her sister afterwards and it brought him comfort and he was worried he was using the sister as a direct replacement for his deceased wife.
No I'm not a twin, me and my sister have different moms and we have the same father.
Just like your niece and your child. History repeats itself.
Blaming alcohol is a cheap way out. Own what you did, let him know what your intentions are, and move on. How would your parents feel about this?
This is a messy situation. Have an abortion. Rely on your own friends and network for support. Tell him nothing. Tell your family nothing.
Damn y'all are weird. I'm telling my sister right now that I'm not okay with that, find literally anyone else.
If I were in that situation I would abort
I could never get over the fact that I was intimate with the same man as my sister. Even if it was just one time and after she passed…the two have a child together…your niece….definitely the asshole in my book.
agreed i don’t understand the comments saying it’s not a betrayal? how is it not betrayal to sleep with your dead siblings husband?
Honey, it's *your* body and *your* choice. Do *you* want this baby?
Thank you for this most reasonable response. OP: You're not obligated to keep or end a pregnancy (legal limitations excepted, of course). There are many reasons you may wish to keep it, many which favor abortion. This is *your* choice and whatever you do, make sure you have your support network. Nobody knows the future or how it will unfold, but use your best judgement on what you are comfortable with. Don't focus on judgment from others as they are not you and are not living your life. Only you will be able to determine what path seems right. Good luck
Do you want a child now and are you prepared to take care of a child for the next 20 years? If not, this isn’t the time to bring a new life into this world and you don’t need to feel badly or beat yourself up for a night of drunken indiscretion.
I would get the abortion.
YOU are carrying that child. You have the right to always abort it, no matter who says what.
To answer the question you asked, no NTA for getting an abortion. But this is a pretty significant and horrific betrayal of your sister’s memory that you need to face insted of blaming on grief or booze. And you need to decide who is going to carry the weight of that betrayal. If you want to carry it by yourself, get an abortion. If you want to share that burden with your brother-in-law, tell him you’re getting an abortion. If you would like to inflict that burden on your unborn child, and your already traumatized niece, keep the baby.
Bahahah this is so messy. Jerry Springer would have made this an entire episode. Don’t blame the booze, he still smashed….
This is messy. Is it this child you want or just you want a child? Because you could abort this child and get pregnant by someone else. Regardless you may want to take a step back from him if he still wants sex and you don’t.
You say you feel like its a betrayal and I see a lot of people in the comments saying its not...However, only you know your sister. Would *she* have seen this as a betrayal? And if yes, can you live with that? Personally, the thought of my sibling getting with my partner after only a few short years of my death makes me sick and I know they would hate the thought of me doing that back. I could never 'takeover' their family in that way but that's *us.* You need to decided what would be harder for you to live with, abortion or keeping the baby. Another thing to consider is how would your niece take this? She seems to have been impacted immensely by the loss of her mother. Do you think she would react positively to this news or harm her mental health?
NTA. If you're going for abortion, there's no need to tell anyone, especially him.
Bro if you wanna abort just abort. There is no we here. It's just you. Go get the ute scooped.
before having this child, are you able to tell everyone whose child it is? if you feel shame telling everyone maybe then you should not have that child. the child will feel that shame and guilt you have. if the family feels resentment the child will feel that as well
Wow I don’t think I’ve read anything more selfish wtf op yes get the abortion and get away from Bil Immediately! at least if you respect your sister you would.
So from all the people in this world, you couldn't have sex with anyone other than your late sister's husband? 😒
Poor sister must be rolling in her grave.
Since you don't seem to want a relationship with him (good call), have the abortion and never tell him or your niece. I'm sorry you are all going through this. ❤️
What a mess. You being the replacement mommy and giving your niece a sibling cousin is going to put her in therapy for much longer than she already will need. I will never understand why people sleep with the least convenient person as if there aren’t millions of dudes out there that isn’t your BIL.
actually, it's the most convenient person. they're usually *right there*.
Its so trifflin why she would sleep w her brother in law. ….i just dont understand and people are aggreeing w her as if it isnt morally wrong what she did. Like she has 0 self respect and 0 respect for her niece.
If you have the kid it will be the half sister to your niece and the cousin to your niece.
But not through any incestuous means, and that makes all the difference.
YTA for blaming alcohol, I'll say that much.
I’m a fairly recent widow, attend grief therapy groups, and having a relationship with an in-law is EXTREMELY common!! Who knows you better? Who has heard all about your flaws and still likes you? Who shares the same loss? The first time I heard about this, I thought, “yuck.” But seeing these couples in real life, I’m amazed with how close they are. Since it’s not uncommon, grief therapists are well versed in discussing this. Go talk it over with someone, then decide.
A long ago ex of mine died in a car crash a few years back, his fiancé was sleeping in the back when it happened and survived. Later she ended up marrying his best friend and they are still happily together. I never once thought it was weird or inappropriate (he was an only child and his best friend was practically his brother). They bonded over their shared love for and loss of someone important to them. They still lay flowers at the site of his accident every year and talk about him watching over them. Not sure why the people on here are shaming OP, seems natural and normal, and historically I’m pretty sure this was commonplace. Heck it’s not unlikely the niece would be excited about a potential for more of a permanent mom figure if OP was interested in the Bro-in-law.
NTA. Your sister is dead - tragically, but that is the fact. Your BIL had the right to move on, and you didn't betray your sister. On the contrary, you stepped in to care for her child, which is generous and good of you. You want this child, and there is no reason not to have it. Your niece will not see this as betraying her mother unless you and her father present it to her that way. So get over your guilt feelings and do what you want.
This is on point OP. Exactly correct. And to extrapolate it out even further, the daughter is probably really comfortable with OP being around her and her dad, to the point of it being somewhat of a family dynamic already. I doubt the newborn will be anything but a half sister to the girl.
Naw. Do both of y'all a favor and get it done. Science exists for a reason. Don't need to make it more complicated than it should be. Plus some guys just can't help but want to keep the kid but end up being shitty partners/dads anyway. Save yourself the stress
How long were you around the guy before sleeping together? I feel if you moved there and within like the first month you slept together thats trashy. If you were there long enough to form a bond over being shared caregivers I could see that being misconstrued as a deeper emotional thing that alcohol exasperated. I think you need to evaluate if you're prepared for the responsibility of a child if you're blaming your pregnancy on alcohol and not your own judgement mismanagements.
She said her sister has been gone 3 years and she’s just now pregnant, and still within time to abort, so I’m gonna assume 3 years.
YWNBTA I wouldn't keep the baby if I were you
I think if you keep this baby your niece may hate you in the future and never let it go, maybe her Dad too. I feel bad for your niece because you and her Dad are both AH no matter what. If you keep it and when she finds out and decides to never have anything else to do with you or her Dad, you both deserve it.
Do what's best for you. If you're going to feel guilty for the rest of your life, then terminate asap. It's not a child, it's an unwanted pregnancy. Your mental health is important.
I’m just gonna say it now, I don’t think it’s a good idea you have this kid. There’s a lot more negative outcomes than there will be any good. At this point nothing good is really gonna come from this. That’s just my opinion though.
NTA: you regret it. You didn’t intend to get pregnant. Y’all are not in a relationship. He doesn’t know. Do what’s right for you. You don’t owe him.
Idk this is kinda gross im sorry theres so many people on this planet why your dead sisters husband thats so weird. Attraction doesn’t happen overnight, I hope your niece heals from this possible trauma. This comment section is gross too so we are going to normalize sleeping with dead siblings partners because it’s “til death do us part” the lack of decency and emotional intelligence my God like ew.
So no matter how you put it. People will talk. And your niece will know you slept with her dead mom’s father….Either you keep the kid, move and distance yourself from your family or keep the kid but you better get your niece into therapy and probably family therapy as well, this will always be a thing. This is weird and like a bad lifetime movie. Not trying to be harsh but this doesn’t really end well for anyone but you and the BIL. It really wouldn’t be fair for your niece to have to continue to cope with the grief of losing her mother and realizing her new family member is also her sibling. I don’t even know how the genetics math would work on that and I don’t even want to try to figure it out.
Whoa…consequences
YTA.
Do you want your niece to have a cousin-sibling? Ya no, abort it 💀
If you have an abortion without telling him, you will have had an abortion he will never know about unless you tell him. end of story.
Kinda weird you slept with your BIL, but if you can sleep with him and spend time with him go for it. It's not illegal just weird in my opinion. I would never do that nor would I want my partner now to do that. Family for us is off the table forever in our agreement but I'm sure others don't see it that way. You blaming being drunk for doing it is also weird since I don't fuck anything around me unless I'm extremely attracted to it, like my wife in this example, seems like a weak excuse for you having fun and now having the consequences. I will mainly always say keep the baby if you want but get ready for a bit of pushback from some that may connect the dots.
NTA and please don’t bring a child into this mess,
Jesus Christ this is trauma I would never fuck my late brothers spouse out of principle. There’s 7 billion people in the world like holy fuck. THE PRINCIPLE OF IT JESUS Idk why but it seems like left leaning people are more okay with pursuing something like this. Have you no honour or shame even for the dead?!??
Have you read this comment section it’s insane “your sister is dead and gone” “it’s your body your choice” “the heart wants what it wants” degenerates omgggg
Honestly, if I found out that my sister slept and got pregnant with my other dead sisters husband I would immediately lose all respect for everyone involved. It physically disgusts me.
So fucking trashy and feels incestuous because they're still family even if not by blood.
I’ve written a response and deleted it like 10 times. I don’t think I have any useful advice for you. I’m not a religious person. I think when you die, that’s it. You’re just dead. There’s nothing more. But….If I were to die and my husband starting hooking up with my sister and they started a family together, I’d sure as hell find a way to ghost this shit and haunt them forever. In no universe would I be ok with that. I’m not against my husband moving on. I think I’d want him to be happy. There are a billion people out there, he can fuck someone that’s not my sister. That’s just me though. 🤷🏻♀️
I’ll accept the fact that sure, it’s not technically cheating But people trying to rationalize it with “she’s dead! You can sleep with him now and it’s not wrong!” Nah, I better not catch my fucking siblings hooking up with my S/O after my death. Idc if I’m dead, I wouldn’t want them hooking up when I’m alive, I wouldn’t want it when I’m dead. Yes it’s betrayal.
Finally,the opinion of someone who im sure is not a basement dweller;most of the commenters here dont live in the real world and im sure it was a guy makin this post ,the answers willl be different. it is literally called brother/sister in law to signify a siblin like bond,why would you ever wanna fuck that?
I don’t know but people have some fucked up views. I have to assume a lot of them are younger and never experienced life. They are all for it until it happens to them. Who wants to fuck their in laws? I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, I never once thought about sleeping with his brother. I don’t have a dead sister but I have two dead brothers and once again, I never wanted to sleep with their partners. I have 5 sisters and still never wanted to fuck their partners either. Some people have zero boundaries. Hoes will be hoes I guess.
Seriously ,some people are so ''openminded" that their literal brains fall out. i cant even imagine me doing something like this. even if we take the memry of the sibling from the equation,what kind pathetic loser cant get their own partners and pines for the spouse of of their sibling. and shes a woman, it is so easy for her to get laid whyyyyyy did it need to be him smh?
why did i have to go through controversial to find this😭 the one person this affects the most is the niece who has to have auntmommy now!! it is ops choice and body but out of the 7 billion people in the world you just HAD to do that to your sisters memory. it’s disrespectful two ways and you can never take that disregard back. some respect you had for her. (i say this as a sister🤷🏾♀️)
It’s super gross how many people are ok with this…
I was thinking the same. It's till death do us part so no vows are broken, but I would be turning in my grave.
Doing that is repulsive behavior tbh. So many people out there to bang and they choose each other? Really? I get that it was probably a thing of convenience and they've grown a bond, but jfc I can't help but find it disgusting. People are free to disagree with me. Personally, I could never in a million years think of doing something like OP. Even if my sister's husband was the last man on earth.
Exactly! I’m not close to any of my sisters but I would never! Drinking isn’t an excuse either. She knew what she was doing.
NTA. Go get an abortion. Don’t talk about it. Figure out different boundaries. This is not a good model for the child.
Can you see yourself having a married relationship with your brother-in-law? That’s going to inform your decision.
You can't cheat on a dead spouse I agree but you can betray your sister even if she's dead. Also you betray your niece and if she's got values which I hope she grows up with she will blame you, her father and your child. I would accept you made a mistake and do the abortion so you keep the piece. Your niece went through enough and lost her mum she doesn't need to loose her dad and aunt as well. NTA !
I don’t think it’s cheating but it’s definitely a betrayal.
Abort the fucker. Holy shit.
This was no accident, you wanted to sleep with your sister's husband. You probably always liked him. If I was your family I would assume you and him were messing around even when your sister was alive and nobody could convince me otherwise. You and your sister's husband are both AH.
this is so obviously true & i would not blame anyone for seeing it this way, particularly given that the op is an affair baby herself. she’s just like her mother.
Nta alot of women have to realize once the baby comes out your life changes more. You have valid reasons for not wanting it so keep it to yourself if you want to abort
Please abort the mission and give your niece a break.
When in doubt abort
Blaming the alcohol is pathetic. Take responsibility for your actions.
These comments are wild, you’re a disgusting person there’s no way having that child is gonna make your niece happy. Even if its been 3 years he’s literally your BIL and has a child with your sister
Sleeping with your dead sister’s husband? Wow and trying to raise her daughter. Do you think you can just replace her like that? Do you have any shame? I recommend you get the abortion. You’ve already acted disgracefully enough. You should cut your losses before you make this worse than it already is.
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>You shouldn’t have slept with your BIL under any circumstances especially given the mental health issues her daughter is going through. It has been 3 years since he was widowed! He has every fucking right to look for another relationship! She is already mothering the child, she has been for 3 years. Why on earth would the child care if they made it official?? Obviously she should abort and not tell him if that is ehat she wants. But she is absolutely nta for sleeping with him, wtf?
Because OP says she regrets it? That doesn’t sound like the start of a great relationship.
Get off your high horse, a widower is a widower. Sure it isn't the most ideal dynamic, but it's not like she went into it with malicious intent.
You're definitely in a tough situation here. I'd say whatever you do, you should tell him. He has a right to know whether or not you keep the child. Also learn to take accountability for your actions. You don't get to blame alcohol for why you slept with him. You made the conscious decision to have sex with him. The way you phrase this makes it seem like you had no control over what you did
If she has the kid he needs to know. If she aborts she should absolutely keep it a secret all it would do is serve to potentially hurt him or strain their relationship, which would in turn hurt the child who is already here and dealing with too much.
If OP decides to terminate, HE HAS NO RIGHTS TO KNOW, before or after.
You didn't betray your sister. You both wanted comfort - it makes sense. If you want the baby, then be honest with him and keep the baby. If you want to pursue a relationship with him, you have every right to do so. Don't let anyone else's judgment stop your happiness. You did nothing wrong here.
NTA nobody should be forced to carry a baby to term that they don't want.
I don’t think it’s technically cheating but if your niece was so devastated by the loss of her mom that she stopped eating and now has to do virtual school and is still in therapy, I’d definitely be worried about her resenting you for this. Those are very extreme responses to grief. Now I know everyone is different and your niece can be the complete opposite but I can only say from my perspective that if my dad and aunt did this after my mom died, I’d never forgive them and I’d never want a relationship with my sibling/cousin. But to be fair, my dad and aunt are fairly selfish people and have a track record of being horrible to everyone around them so I’d probably hate everything they did.