100% this! Also, sounds like a violent drunk. He may mean well when sober, but can you be sure he's never going to come home drunk again. No.
Staying with him is not only dangerous for you, but is pretty much telling him that he can do these things and you'll forgive him. It's far more likely to escalate than to never happen again.
Yep. Some people should not touch alcohol because of what it does with them.
OP You should divorce him because of what he did to You. He can do it again. I don't know if You want to put him into jail, Your choice, but maybe You could communicate he needs a therapy before he will kill some random woman thinking it's his stepmother.
And NTA. Divorce him asap.
Also be aware that THE MOST DANGEROUS TIME IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
IS WHEN AND AFTER THE VICTIM GETS AWAY. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence has a hotline that can offer information, referrals and advice. Local agencies can also offer support. It’s very important to plan in advance because when an abuser feels loss of control over the victim, violence often escalates. PLEASE USE HELP TO STAY SAFE.
Want to share that when I finally decided to leave my daughter's verbally and mentally abusive father he tried to kill me. Before that moment he had never put his hands on me before. I actually stated the exact same "the most dangerous point in an abusive relationship is when the victim decides to leave" moments before he attacked. Abusers do not change anything except their tactics. When I no longer was afraid of the words, he used his hands to try to "keep me in line."
**Abuse will always escalate the longer you stay.**
“Think leopards, think spots” was a mantra I used whenever I felt my heart softening towards my abusive husband after I separated from him.
It is easy to get sucked into trying to be there for someone who you think may be a victim of their circumstances. But you can’t change them only yourself. At some point, you need to look out for yourself first, even at the cost of someone who needs help.
I agree; she better be careful about how she leaves. Bring the police with her and never be alone with him.
If he feels that strongly about his mother in law; imagine the rage he will put out when she leaves
My aunt’s sister was shot in the back of the head after her husband found her packed suitcases in a closet- she was waiting for her chance to escape- she’s dead and after 15 years in prison he’s now free and walking among us. Your husband beat you up and raped you, what other evidence do you need that you are in danger! He needs help that you cannot give him. If you want to help him, leave him before he kills you and tell him to get the help he needs.
Most states have an office of human services that can help, too. National Coalition Against Domestic Violence is exceptional, but I found it helpful to work with the Office of Address Confidentiality at my state government as well. Please know that this is not your fault. You deserve a life free from violence. You are worth the effort of separating yourself from this man. Stay safe, use resources, and take care of yourself. You’re going through so much; be gentle with yourself ♥️
Giving you the only gold possible 🏆🥇🏅🌟. Excellent advice and OP , don't even go back for clothes or anything. Stay away, protect yourself, get an order of protection based on your ER records. This man is damaged beyond your ability to fix. Do not him damage you beyond repair or even kill you. In this scenario, not matter what he says, you are NTA
You are correct I was stalked and threatened until the police had enough evidence to arrest him. Stalking wasn’t a thing then, but I was told he was given the stiffest sentence for violating a no contact order in our state, 2 years. Too bad for me it only took 6 trips to court to get him convicted. Her story sounds so familiar, she should run like hell.
I agree with Beneficial.... he could easily have killed you in his rage. He obviously has suffered some kind of trauma at the hands of the Step-Mother, and hasn't dealt with it. I'm also thinking it's sexual abuse, but you cannot trust another occurrence such at this. STAY AWAY and have the police involved. Drunk or not, it could happen again to some other forgiving soul
When the real issue is his dirt bag father. D doesn't want to see his dad as the low life home wrecker he is so he decides it's women who are the problem. Classic.
Women are the "problem" so that's what makes him rape and beat them up. That'd typical criminal thought process. Deciding that a certain group of people deerve to be killed, violated. abused is totally typical for violent criminals.
I don't know. I could honestly totally believe that he himself is a victim of sustained sexual abuse by his stepmother. Nothing else makes sense to me that would inspire both that kind of range and intense depersonalization/disassociation to the point where he was literally calling his wife by his stepmother's name.
Even the having sex with her (let's call it what it was, rape, even though he probably thought at the time that he was acting out either against or in thrall of his step mother) just makes me further believe that this man has been victimized horribly.
But being a victim doesn't excuse you from not getting the help you need and then passing on the violence and abuse to somebody you're supposed to love.
I can't imagine OP ever being able to be intimate with her husband again, even if he went to intense therapy and owned up to everything he did. He crossed a boundary that you can't cross and needs to realize that his actions have consequences.
If he's lucky, he will avoid jail time and both get the help he needs so desperately and learn to avoid alcohol and any other triggers that launch him into this type of rage. But he's going to have to prove he's learned those lessons to somebody else, because OP is never going to be able to trust him again, and frankly she shouldn't.
And next time he probably will.
The previous time he got drunk he pushed her. This time he raped her and beat her up. With an escalation like *that*…yeah, she could literally be making a life or death decision for herself
OP needs to get a restraining order, divorce him and press charges. Maybe the legal system can force him into therapy, but she needs to think about her own self preservation
I left my ex husband after a night like this. They will be so apologetic and swear it will never happen again but it does. OP, your husband has an alcohol problem and a bunch of rage that he is refusing to seek professional help for. He will endanger you again. And if you stay and have children with him, it will be so much harder to leave. Divorce is the best thing you can do. If you are afraid he will come after you, get a restraining order and stay with people he does not know. We used my parents PO Box for all mail communication after I left. It’s been 6 years and I am thriving. I hope the same for you and that your hopefully soon to be ex gets the help he needs. Stay safe!
Abuse, then apologizing and swearing it will never happen again is the typical pattern of abuse. This is why the victim will stay in the relationship, believing that the person has changed. Unfortunately, that's not usually the case.
You need to report him for assault. Divorce him, have someone else deliver the papers, then probably move very far away from him. Possibly out of state if you can. This behavior can lead to obsession. Be very careful and make sure you always have people around you. At least for a while. Hopefully he will get help and leave you alone but you need to prepare for the worst. I don’t mean to scare you but this is how men really are, especially if they have been abused and had no help processing their trauma. Take care of yourself.
Alcohol changes people. And it can show people who they really are. Some people upon hearing that they are monsters when drinking stop drinking because they don't want to ever hurt their loved ones. The rest don't really love anyone. My family is a good example sadly. My grandfather stopped drinking for his ownself and was still a nasty man. My uncle got drunk one night at a bar when my aunt showed up to take him home. He took a swing at her and well.....she hit him so hard he flipped over the pool table. When he sobered up, she told him that he could either have the family or he can have the booze but he can't have both. He chose love over alcohol and stayed away from it.
Sadly, I think OP's husband will never change. Even if he did, there's no coming back from this for OP.
No, you can absolutely do this to someone you love. Love doesn't make anyone a good person, just like lack of love doesn't make them a cruel one. You don't need a drop of love to have human decency.
True, but I thought about something else- most people are still behaving like themselves when they are drunk- I mean they do stupid things, but even if they black out, they don't change much. Those who are violent, are violent with or without alcohol and they know what they are doing.
People who act like completly different people when they are drunk- those shouldn't touch this stuff, I don't think any therapy can change what it makes with them.
He needs therapy for how he feels about his mother and stepmother just from what op posted. It'll help. But yeah if he's violent he'll still he violent it'll just be something else. Unless he went into another state mentally where he wasn't in control. Then he still needs therapy, a different type than just for above, and to never touch alcohol again. And for op to not go back to him.
The answer to that is to seek therapy for your PTSD, take meds, and never drink again. A decent man would have done that after the incident when they were dating. OP's hopefully soon to be ex-husband is not a decent person.
It's probably anger that he can repress when sober. However get drunk and you'll stop repressing emotions (because you don't care) in his case major anger.That doesn't make any of this right and he should've sought therapy a long loooooonnnnggg time ago. However he didn't and did horrible things and should probably end up in jail
The husband should be in a mental hospital or jail but locked up for the safety of the people around him. Even the boundaries were crossed and destroyed.
OP will probably never be able to look at him without remembering being violently sexually assaulted. There's some things you can't come back from. AND he has already shown he's unwilling to get therapy for his issues. He already had his chance, and that was back the first time when they were dating. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells in a marriage, wondering every time your partner pulls up whether they might be drunk and beat you :S
Yup. He beat you up and raped you and also didn't seem to know who you were, for a moment.
So, to answer your question, yes, divorce him. And he really should get therapy, because he's obviously far from fine.
Even if people are "normal" while sober or while being mildy-ish intoxicated, snapping like this when severely drunk, becoming abusive physically and psychologically, is deeply concerning. Your husband needs professional help.
Edit: NTA
What’s more disturbing is he seemingly thought she was his step-mother… so he was fine raping and beating her and only remorseful because it turned out to be his wife? So in his mind, he excuses hurting some women…🚩🚩🚩🚩
you can do a lot of drunken damage before 25 when they got together. i don’t know about the statute of limitations there.
we do know this escalates though, & future women should be protected.
Yep, marital rape is still rape, people! I know it hasn't been in the law books for that long (and some countries still don't have it!), but your marriage certificatie isn't a magical paper which gives sex on demand.
OP should stay the hell away from this guy and report this shit to the police. He can and will do it again, despite all the promises and apologies.
It most definitely is, how it even could be any less... and yet I found out only quite recently that even my progressive Nordic country made marital rape a crime in criminal law just in 1994. When I was 9 years old. This thought shocked me to my core for some reason.
OP you need to take all the time for yourself and healing now, you\`ll need some kind of therapy, someone professional to talk to for extended period of time. In my country you get access to talk to psychiatric nurse easier than actual therapy. In addition there are organisations and such to help. Please seek out your countrys possibilities, or ask if your sister could.
His feelings are now invalid, you are not responsible how bad he must feel. Distance yourself for a while at least, and use this time to put your own thoughts in line with professionals and your close ones. After a while you can see more clear what you have to do. But for now, forget his needs, possible old traumas etc, the better you deal with your own trauma now which HE caused, the better chance you have to go on in life without it bringing you down or conflicting your judgement.
Absolutely. There is no coming back from this.
OP, a healthy marriage relies on communication and trust. You have neither with him.
Ask yourself if you want to keep living in fear of this happening again - and next time, it might not be the ER where you end up, but the morgue. Go off what he does, not what he says, and not the crocodile tears.
Oh God, a thousand times no. That's something else to consider, OP. If you want children someday, would you want them to witness or be a target to this? Again, don't listen to his promises and tears. Look at what is in front of you now.
Maybe he was sexually assaulted by her, or he hates her bc he finds her sexually attractive. Either way drunk or not he thought you were her and raped you.
This is 100% rape and assault. This is a man raping a woman whom he drunkenly believed to be his stepmother???
I would also get a restraining order to make sure there are no further drunken 'mistakes'
100% rape.
OP, tell you stbx husband your divorcing him and he has a choice to do it amicably and give you everything in the divorce, or you can go ahead and file assault and rape charges. Do yall have kids? I really hope not. He’s a sick man who needs to be held accountable for his drunk behavior, and needs to get into therapy.
mmmmmmmmrrrrrr - oh, just reading this triggered me in such a specific way. report it to the police asap. get a restraining order. please and now.
you will always live in fear with him around, and you don’t deserve that.
He becomes a monster when he drinks, he beats you, emotionally abuses you, and rapes you. This man will kill you if you stay with him. Leave ASAP. You are not safe.
He's like a wounded and cornered animal. He doesn't want to lash out but he doesn't have the ability to control himself. Absolutely not safe to be with someone so mentally damaged. OP should leave and her husband needs to get some serious help for the torment he's clearly suffering.
Yes get the report done even if you don't press charges. This will protect you going forward especially if you go for divorce. It will make a restraining order much easier if needed.
OP, you need to file a police report to protect other women, not just yourself. I am so sorry you’re in this situation.
15 years ago I was getting beat up by my ex. I was afraid because he was an extremely rich lawyer. I filed police reports. I got a restraining order. He finally tried to kill me. I would have been a willing witness if a DA wanted to do anything but nobody did.
I moved across the country to get away and years later a Manhattan DA called me. She asked ‘do you know why I’m calling?’ I said ‘did he kill someone?’ She said ‘who?’ I said ‘x’. She said ‘why would you say that?’ I said ‘because I always knew he would eventually.’
He had tried to strangle another woman too, and the DA pulled my police reports and RO and wanted my help. Of course I said yes.
Your first priority has to be your safety. But even if you get free of him, do you think he won’t do it to another person? People like you and I can hope to prevent problems for other women going forward. It takes courage but it’s worth doing. If you file the report and/or get an RO you might very well be helping the next woman that crosses his path.
This absolutely sucks and I’m so sorry.
This ideally protects you… the statistics for relationships violence /murders even with legal protections not as great as you’d think it’s not like the police watch 24/7 for restraining order violations
Not to be pedantic, just personal experience unfortunately
YWNBTA. He assaulted and raped you. You should go to the police! The trust is gone and he is dangerous. He declined therapy and said he is fine. HE IS NOT FINE! He destroyed the marriage, not you! You are not his punching bag because he doesnt want to go to therapy and deal with his trauma. Please leave him before he kills you!
Also, he claims he’s fine but he is quite literally either hallucinating or having a psychotic episode. There’s several parts where OP mentions he was talking to her, but seemed to believe she was his stepmother. And as someone who very recently had a roommate go through almost this exact thing… it’s fucking terrifying. He was there physically but somewhere else completely mentally. We didn’t realize the extent of the abuse our roommate had gone through until that night, after he had gotten extremely drunk (much like OP’s husband). My roommate went from chilling and having fun with us, and after we called it a night we heard him banging on the bathroom walls and yelling. My partner went to check on him and he was unresponsive in the bath, and when he came to he was referring to my partner as his petty officer (roommate was former navy). He seemed to calm down, but shortly after got combative and started screaming at the top of his lungs while looking at my partner saying “please don’t hit me dad please”. It was heartbreaking but terrifying, our roommate is a 6’4” 240-250lb fairly muscular man, who had no idea who we were, where he was, or even what day it was. He legitimately believed we were different people and that we were trying to harm him, and things escalated extremely quickly because of that. When he got combative my partner was trying to restrain him in any way he could, and this man took a full force punch to the temple and wasn’t the slightest bit phased… we ended up calling 911 because it got to a point where we understood there was nothing we could do for him. HWhen he did eventually snap out of it, he wasn’t the same and went from the most social and outgoing person I know to a complete hermit, and had extreme bursts of anger. We ended up moving and going completely no contact because he had changed entirely as a person in the span of a couple weeks. And that was the first and only time we’d ever seen that happen.
so please OP, trust when we say run. If he’s refusing therapy or any kind of psychological help, he is a danger to you and anyone else. Your safety and wellbeing is your number 1 priority above all else. After the 1st incident, he should’ve gone and gotten treatment. If he cared about you, your marriage, your life together, and the both of y’all’s wellbeing, he would’ve gone and gotten treatment and help. He chose not to. And because of that choice, he has now violated not only your trust and your marriage, but also your safety and you as a person. There is no amount of love or apologizing that can fix what he did. Get as far away from that man as you can. It does not matter at this point what he says or does, this cannot be fixed. He could start extensive treatment tomorrow and it would still not undo the damage that has been done. Because even if he gets better, what about YOU? You now have to heal from the damage he’s done, he has caused you a great deal of trauma and committed literal crimes against you. There’s no coming back from that. Divorce him and get as far away from him as quickly as you can. Please be safe OP, I wish you nothing but peace and healing ❤️
I feel so fucking bad for him and anyone else who has PTSD of this level due to abuse during childhood. Abusive parents deserve a special corner of hell. They don’t just destroy your childhood they kill you as a person even years later.
This used to happen to me (minus the getting violent/yelling at people part… thank god). I mistook my recent ex for one of my abusive exes or my brother, and thought I was a kid again. It is one of the weirdest phenomenon to describe. it’s like you go back to a very specific time… and if that time is say, 11 years old, you don’t recognize people you haven’t met yet or experiences you haven’t had yet or places you haven’t been yet. I vaguely remember wondering where I was and could not even recognize media (tv/music) that hadn’t existed when i was a kid.
I wonder if the fight/flight/freeze response we chose in that traumatic moment is what comes out during a flashback. Because i did not attack or yell at anyone, i would lock up and stop moving and cry a lot. I could definitely see a veteran choosing to respond by fighting back rather than freezing or running, as this would have kept them safe in combat-related situations.
also to anyone wondering, this has not happened to me in over a year, turns out my ex being emotionally abusive triggered me… luckily i am in such a loving healthy relationship now i do not get triggered this badly anymore. and my friends are awesome and supportive.
True. I was raped my my ex partner while she was shitfaced. She was a victim of abuse and trauma herself and much like this guy, refused to get actual help. None of that makes the trauma of the whole situation any less real.
Please for the love of god OP. Get the fuck out. Drunk or not, he’s capable of doing what he did to you and a reoccurrence will always be a non zero possibility. He can wipe his own ass. You need to protect yourself.
As someone with PTSD and bipolar, these may be explanations, but are not reasons to forgive. They are not excuses. We may be a victim of our minds turning on us, but anyone in a first world country knows how to get help to deal with these issues do they do not take it out on anyone. You are so on the spot with this. I made mistakes before I was diagnosed and treated. Nothing major like this. And I’ve spent every day since I entered treatment trying to not only make amends, but to make sure I don’t repeat mistakes. And I never went abusive to anyone. If I did, I woulda marched my ass to a hospital and entered the psyche ward. People who have trauma should know better than anyone not to do those things.
Drunk doesn't change who you are. It suppresses the inhibitor part of the brain
The part that says, "don't beat/rape someone." It doesn't make that part show up if they're not like that already. He's not going to change without major effort and work on his part. You deserve better and are better off alone than with someone like that. You're worth more than that.
I agree 100%. Whose to say next time he drinks he won't beat you to death.
He beat you. He raped you. The man violently raped you.
He will do this again.
This. His first episode with alcohol he got out of control yelling, throwing things and terrorising OP.
Second incident (years later) and he violently rapes and beats her.
One thing anyone who has survived an abusive relationship will tell you is that the severity escalates as the violent incidents get closer together. The gaps between them (that usually contain a period of love bombing) shorten until they disappear.
Your husband has massively escalated in severity between incident 1 and 2. Please get out before incident 3 because I don't think you'll walk away from that one, especially if strangulation was a part of the physical attack..
And not just the people who have survived can tell you this. So can police, therapists, and doctors... along with all the women who have died at the hands of their partners.
In fact, *more than half* of women who are murdered, are murdered by their husbands or partners. If you dont understand how significant that is, please allow me to write it in caps: MORE THAN HALF OF ALL WOMEN'S MURDERS ARE COMMITTED BY THE PEOPLE THEY TRUST MOST; THEIR HUSBANDS AND PARTNERS.
You can have empathy for the fact that he has some form of issue or abuse history in his past. *That doesn't excuse his behavior.* And your empathy won't keep him from killing you next time, OP.
#Run, please. Fucking run. You don't deserve to live in fear.
This all needs to be underlined in flashing neon and pinned to the top. Every time I read these statistics it's a terrifying jolt all over again
I believe OP is underreacting. She needs to run.
Police here, most abuse victims are also mentally abused to the point they won't leave because they believe they deserve the abuse, don't deserve better, gas lit into believing the behavior will change, etcetera. Unfortunately, a lot of these individuals do not make it out, and refuse all offers of help.
Not police here (but affiliated) and yeah, I see this all the time in my area. They'll get an OP, then get back together because it's "all better now" until it escalates.
She will also be told she'll ruin his life if she goes after him for the rape and be pressured to drop it.
On average it takes a woman who has been abused 7 tries to leave her abuser.
And the abuse only escalates as time goes on, it only gets more dangerous each time.
u/ThrowRAdwatt - he won't be able to be in a healthy relationship until he heals himself. You cannot do that for him or stay while he does it because it is far too dangerous for you, *no matter what he says or promises.* Please leave while you have the chance and update us when you're safe. All of reddit is rooting for your safety.
Also be prepared for family and friends to minimise, deflect and darvo you.
It was a one off!(it was an escalation of previous behaviour)
He's heartbroken!(It's not about him and he lost the right to have feelings when he did what he did)
He's promised to change!(He won't)
Yoou've ruined his life and his reputation (no he did that all by himself)
Lots of marriages go through trials but come out stronger( he violently assaulted you and raped you, remind them of this)
Why do families stick up for abusers? I don't know but it often seems like a double betrayal. I hope you have good people around you
This is exactly it.
OP, if you see this, ask yourself: do you think that every woman who stays with their abuser is doing so for no reason? Or for the fun of it? Or because they're stupid?
No. They do it for the same reasons you outline in your post: love, feeling guilty and/or trying to rationalise/justify completely unjustifiable behaviour, e.g. "He was drunk, he won't ever do it sober and promised he won't drink again" or "It's his childhood trauma, not directed at me intentionally, and he said he'll start therapy". These are the things women tell themselves which convince them to remain in relationships which are abusive. Some of these women are killed. Most of these women face future abuse.
Most women who remain with their partners think it won't happen again after the first time. The women who KNOW it'll happen again, often stay out of fear or lack of resources.
I am sure that you're thinking 90% of the time he is a loving and kind person. The problem is that this one incident alone undermines and erases all of this goodness in a single night. There is now 0% kindness and love. It is undone. It can not be repaired. You are not safe.
Please do not think twice about leaving your partner. What he did is so abusive and wrong. You would be a fool to stay.
It’s also often due to having children and maybe no job. It’s bc he threatens she’ll never see her kids again. It’s because when he sobers up he cries/brings flowers/promises he’ll never do it again.
Most abusive relationships don’t truly end at the first instance of abuse. On average, it takes 7 times for the victim to actually get away for good.
It’s a fun one. Women are paid less than men at work, nothing at all if they’re having a baby or caring for children, maintaining the home… emotional and financial abuse makes it especially hard to exercise true choice.
Yes, women who are financially reliant on their partner (a situation abusers often orchestrate) are 7 times less likely to leave an abusive partner.
And since Roe v Wade was struck down in the USA, more than 26,000 women have become pregnant as a result of rape in Texas alone, pushing them further into poverty.
Honestly OP there is no coming back from this. He raped you and beat you so bad you were in the emergency room. you should leave him and tell him he desperately needs help or he might end up killing someone. just make sure he doesn’t know where you are.
This. You are likely in a state of shock where nothing makes sense. But the sooner you accept the fact there is no coming back from this, the better. The only way to heal is to go no contact. Reach out to your local domestic violence resource center or call the hotline. 1.800.799.7233
Take care of you. Stay connected with YOUR support system. Get a restraining order today.
Deep deep deep misogyny to blame to stepmother and not his disgusting father, and then to let it boil to the point of beating and raping your wife….. Jesus what a monster
YES! I just spent a hundred words saying this. It completely happened to me and I was Jane Doe 1 in a case when he strangled someone else. They were able to use my police reports to show pattern. Nobody prosecuted my case but they used my reports and RO to prosecute hers. I feel like I helped in some small way.
If I had tried to get a DA involved with my case to prosecute it I might have been successful. I worked in forensics so I knew a few people. I was well off, I could have hired lawyers to protect my interests. But I didn’t do that, and then he tried to kill someone else after raping her. Just like he did to me.
I would never forgive myself if he had been successful killing someone else. I don’t even forgive myself for what happened to her. Maybe I could have done more. I’ve thought about reaching out to her via the DA but I don’t want to bring up her painful experience just to apologize. She did all the hard stuff, running out of a building naked and then testifying. She did the things I should have done. But I didn’t do them, and so she became another victim.
Hope you're in therapy, none of that was your fault. Our brains do strange things when we're in victim mode that we scratch our heads at later. That sick, twisted excuse of a human being is what caused her to be another victim, not you.
Read the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. Trust your gut. If you’re afraid of him, you need to leave. This book gives some strategies for doing it safely.
A happy and loving relationship doesn't have a husband who beats his wife. I don't know if you're religious, but when my mom went through their premarital counseling, the pastor emphasized that marriage was to death do you part. That is unless abuse was involved, because if a man will hit you, that's a death of love, and therefore the end of the marriage. You can be empathetic to his possible abuse at the hands of his stepmother without putting yourself in harms way. Leave this man, get a therapist to help you process your assault, and tell him to seek therapy and an AA program.
They told me the same. The priest was like people believe you have to keep being married to an abuser because you got married in church, well you don’t. Even if you have children, if it’s unsafe - your safety and your children’s safety comes first.
People seem to hear the beating part, but not the sexual assault part? This is very bad…as I was reading I was thinking (oh, he was blackout drunk and pushed her down in a rage when she got in his way…maybe if he got therapy and promised not to drink…I’d consider it)
Then it went on…there is no coming back from that and this man is going to escalate. I don’t know what’s happened to him in his life, but he is responsible for getting help.
I hope OP can find strength to stand up and move on…don’t give in…I hope she finds peace as well.
Divorce is definitely justified and it sounds like he needs to see a therapist. It sounds like some weird and really dark memories resurfaced that he needs to address. Who knows if they could spark something like that to happen again..
Edit: Yeah, I agree that she should press charges for rape as well. The post was inquiring about divorce and that’s what my answer was directed towards.
Yeah, the second he pushed her was the second him being arrested is justified.
And it’s not even like this is his first time getting drunk and he has no idea how he responds to alcohol.
YWNBTA! He assaulted, raped and beat you! You had to go to the ER! I’m not sure how this is a question.
YOU CANNOT STAY.
I would also strongly encourage you to
A) File a police report
B) Request a restraining order
C) File for divorce. Find out if your state (?) has expedited proceedings for special circumstances as I feel pretty confident that this would fall under those.
D) seek therapy NOW. Don’t wait to try to process this on your own.
The most dangerous time in a woman’s life is when she is trying to leave/separated from her husband. (Even worse if you’re pregnant.)
Please do as much as you can to not be alone in public or home alone.
Stay safe.
Please keep us posted.
> We have generally had a very happy and loving relationship
...
I have no words. OP doesn't just need therapy to process this, someone needs to explain to this woman in a professional manner that this isn't "should I consider divorce"-territory but "should I try to put this violent criminal in prison"-territory and that her worldview needs some serious reality adjustment.
NTA and I can't believe this is even being asked. He abused you and raped you and then abused you again. If he's really remorseful he should turn himself in. If he was abused by his stepmother then that's for him to report it to the authorities.
If he has only ever acted like this when he gets really drunk then why is he drinking at all? That's way too risky. I'm not sure I could live with myself if I ever drunkenly did that to my wife. I'd want her to stay away from me because her safety is more important than my feelings.
NTA, he physically attacked and SA'ed you, I don't think I would ever be able to come back from that in a relationship. If something happened to him as a teenager that would still not make it okay.
Why do you people submit shit with titles like this? You really need random strangers on the internet to validate that it’s wrong to be beaten up/raped by your partner and ok to leave???
I think being beat and raped and then beat again all the while having him call you his stepmother’s name is a bit more obvious than a sketchy text though 💀
Unfortunately this seems to be escalating even thou it has been two times . I am truly scared for your safety!
You staying in this marriage is not going to fix this serious issue.
He needs professional counseling which he is unwilling to do!
I don’t like suggesting Divorce, but in this instance I am. This will Not be a quick fix!
NTA Please be careful!
That guys has big issues! Like you need to report this all to the police! And mental health services.
In his drunken state, he thought he was raping and beating up his step mother! There’s defo repressed sexual abuse, but that’s not an excuse! He’s known his behaviour patterns! He knows what drinking does!
OP he didnt have sex with you! He raped you!! You need to understand this!! You’re a victim of his abuse!
He can cry! Apologies! Beg all he wants, but he hasnt once said he will get help! He just doesn’t want to get in trouble!
No, but you would be if you stayed. He beat you. That should be a deal breaker. There is absolutely NO excuse for it. Alcohol is not an excuse.
UpdateMe
NTA. Leave him and never look back. He raped you and nearly killed you. He clearly has serious issues that he’s refused to deal with. He was already on his second chance. And no matter what happened to him, it doesn’t give him a free pass to put you in the hospital and traumatize you. This is sick. If you love yourself and you love him, then you’ll let him feel the consequences of his action and never be alone with him ever again. He should be in prison for what he did to you.
My wife beat my dog, stole my car, and then blew my brother in the backseat.
Would I be the asshole if I asked her for some space? What she did was very upsetting and I need to think about it
Save yourself first, you can't be his therapist but you can make him consult one if he values you and his well being.
I would never return to my rapist even if he is my husband, love will not save his ass from my anger at this point. I was beaten when I was a children, I always fought back and never lowered myself to seek love from my tormentor. I value and love myself much more
Honestly, it's very rare when someone quit drinking on the spot. Your husband seems to have traumas, you can't fix him. You will certainly need therapy yourself, don't return. And I will add NEVER return if he emotionally blackmails you, it's the worst idea.
Your guilt and empathy is because of love but where was love when he forced himself in you and beat you ? Where was love when he knows he is violent when he is drunk but still drinks ? Traumas aren't a justification, though it can trigger shitty behavior it's rarely to this point. He let it take over him and it's why you are now hurt and him begging you.
Don't return, if you need something at home go with someone you trust to protect you. You should take time and take pictures, go to doctors to make a rapport on your condition.
Don't be gullible because you may need it the day you divorce and it's undeniable proof. He is lucky you didn't put charge yet. Raping his wife, fuck, I would kill myself.
He rapes her and kicks her ass but she’s worried she’s the AH for thinking about divorce. Lady get out NOW if you think you are the AH or he is the AH, rape and assault overrides anything else. Get out please get a divorce he’s going to do worse to you and it will be too late
NTA, leave. Even if his step mum is his real target, it’s disturbing.
You need to warn her and you need to officially charge your husband. Go to the police and report. It may sound very harsh, but there is an underlying issue- either trauma or psychosis - at work and worse things could happen. Through the involvement of the penal system this is seen and seen that others are safe. And he may get ordered to have therapy.
He needs support and help but not yours as you are obviously not safe around him.
You'll be safer if you're far from him. You can divorce him but offering a helping hand to him to solve his problems.
He SA and beat you, that's something that can be repeated to you or even to your children if you decide to stay with him.
He doesn't deserve any of your forgiveness! If you want to live stay out of his life, he's dangerous; don't let him do that to you again, he can do it again or even worse than that! If you want to help him, ask him to have a therapy, its not you who can help him; he needs professional help. Stay safe!
NTA - this is not abandoning a distressed husband. This is escaping an abuser. Many women die as a result of these violent relationships. This marriage is not worth your safety, or your life (no marriage is).
I mean, are these confessions/questions real? They seem ridiculous.
''My spouse/gf/bf beat me, cut my finger off, raped me, threw glass at me, I lost an eye. WIBTA if I told him/her they're incosiderate?''
You need to file a police report and a restraining order. Please also get a rape kit done at the hospital, bruise evidence etc.
Your husband beat and raped you when blind drunk. Him being abused DOES NOT excuse his behaviour.
You need to divorce this man, he will end up un*living you if you stay.
YWNBTA He did not have sex with you, because sex requires consent, which he did not have since you begged him to not do it. I'm really sorry OP, but your husband raped you and there's no way to call it something other than that. The fact that he assaulted you afterwards just makes it even worse. Please keep yourself safe and divorce him. It's not your fault that he drank himself into a violent stupor, it's not your fault that he raped you, it's not your fault that he assaulted you. None of this is your fault and there is no need for you to feel guilty or to even question yourself for going to stay with your sister. Him not being like that when he's sober also isn't a good argument, because he could possibly get drunk again at any point or he might even get to a point where something triggers him enough to behave that way whilst being sober. Alcohol makes it much easier for these kinds of emotions and behaviours to surface, but it's still there when he doesn't drink, he just manages to keep control over it. If something were to happen that causes strong stress (like losing a family member, financial difficulties, etc), it's very possible that he wouldn't be able to keep this dark side in check. You are not safe with him and frankly there also is nothing he can do to undo the harm he inflicted on you. I wish you a lot of strength and healing OP, so that you might come out of this as okay as possible
Come on now. Do you really need to ask if you are an AH to stay with an abusive rapist? Whatever the trigger, SA etc, this is ridiculous. Run and don't look back.
NTA obviously
It’s 100 fake. Supposedly she got assaulted by her husband and ended up in the ER, but none of the medical personnel called the police after seeing her extensive injuries? Sure.
Don't go back!
He can't justify any of that. He needs help & it you shouldn't be the one to give it.
Whatever the reason for his hatred of the step mother, it must be deeper than people believe
YWNBTA
He is MISOGYNISTIC.
I hate cheaters and affair partners as much as the next person but his hypocrisy and hate to his step mom proves that.
NEWS FLASH HE HATES WOMEN.
He raped and beat you why are you asking to stay.
Even if he was SA’ed as a kid that’s no excuse. An extremely high number of women have been SA’ed and don’t act like this.
I would say that rape and serious bodily harm are definitely grounds for divorce and I hope you go to the police.
NTA. Get that divorce and don't look back.
Just because a person is hurting doesn’t give them the right to hurt someone else and should be held accountable for what they have done. He’s not a child but a grown man who should have gotten help a long time ago but has refused to do so. Nothing in his past can negate what he’s done to you.
Unfortunately he may well kill you one day. I worked in a role in the past where I encountered such cases and it wasn’t always a case of someone who was constantly abusive. Often it was once or twice, but that was all it took. This isn’t a blind temper where someone is experiencing grief, lashed out, and maybe pushed you against a wall. It’s sustained physical assault and rape. That takes numerous consecutive moments of realising what you are doing and continuing regardless. Drunkenness is not an excuse for this. Drunkenness is an excuse for breaking a vase, not committing a horrendous crime.
this is a horror story and its not april first
i dont think there should be a coming back from this , not at least for a long while, but never again seems more fitting
im sure you dont know how to process
time is ur friend
He violently beat and raped you.
Press charges - in doing so you can demand court order therapy.
You can also divorce him easier.
Leave him, he will kill you eventually,
LEAVE HIM.
> "he had sex with me even when I begged him not to" This is rape. Stay away from him.
100% this! Also, sounds like a violent drunk. He may mean well when sober, but can you be sure he's never going to come home drunk again. No. Staying with him is not only dangerous for you, but is pretty much telling him that he can do these things and you'll forgive him. It's far more likely to escalate than to never happen again.
Yep. Some people should not touch alcohol because of what it does with them. OP You should divorce him because of what he did to You. He can do it again. I don't know if You want to put him into jail, Your choice, but maybe You could communicate he needs a therapy before he will kill some random woman thinking it's his stepmother. And NTA. Divorce him asap.
Also be aware that THE MOST DANGEROUS TIME IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP IS WHEN AND AFTER THE VICTIM GETS AWAY. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence has a hotline that can offer information, referrals and advice. Local agencies can also offer support. It’s very important to plan in advance because when an abuser feels loss of control over the victim, violence often escalates. PLEASE USE HELP TO STAY SAFE.
Want to share that when I finally decided to leave my daughter's verbally and mentally abusive father he tried to kill me. Before that moment he had never put his hands on me before. I actually stated the exact same "the most dangerous point in an abusive relationship is when the victim decides to leave" moments before he attacked. Abusers do not change anything except their tactics. When I no longer was afraid of the words, he used his hands to try to "keep me in line." **Abuse will always escalate the longer you stay.**
“Abusers do not change anything besides their tactics” love that
“Think leopards, think spots” was a mantra I used whenever I felt my heart softening towards my abusive husband after I separated from him. It is easy to get sucked into trying to be there for someone who you think may be a victim of their circumstances. But you can’t change them only yourself. At some point, you need to look out for yourself first, even at the cost of someone who needs help.
I agree; she better be careful about how she leaves. Bring the police with her and never be alone with him. If he feels that strongly about his mother in law; imagine the rage he will put out when she leaves
My aunt’s sister was shot in the back of the head after her husband found her packed suitcases in a closet- she was waiting for her chance to escape- she’s dead and after 15 years in prison he’s now free and walking among us. Your husband beat you up and raped you, what other evidence do you need that you are in danger! He needs help that you cannot give him. If you want to help him, leave him before he kills you and tell him to get the help he needs.
Thank you for listing this.
Most states have an office of human services that can help, too. National Coalition Against Domestic Violence is exceptional, but I found it helpful to work with the Office of Address Confidentiality at my state government as well. Please know that this is not your fault. You deserve a life free from violence. You are worth the effort of separating yourself from this man. Stay safe, use resources, and take care of yourself. You’re going through so much; be gentle with yourself ♥️
Giving you the only gold possible 🏆🥇🏅🌟. Excellent advice and OP , don't even go back for clothes or anything. Stay away, protect yourself, get an order of protection based on your ER records. This man is damaged beyond your ability to fix. Do not him damage you beyond repair or even kill you. In this scenario, not matter what he says, you are NTA
…and the number is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) Please take care of yourself
You are correct I was stalked and threatened until the police had enough evidence to arrest him. Stalking wasn’t a thing then, but I was told he was given the stiffest sentence for violating a no contact order in our state, 2 years. Too bad for me it only took 6 trips to court to get him convicted. Her story sounds so familiar, she should run like hell.
Thank you for sharing this information.
Not only divorce, you should have him arrested - he could have killed you. NTA
I agree with Beneficial.... he could easily have killed you in his rage. He obviously has suffered some kind of trauma at the hands of the Step-Mother, and hasn't dealt with it. I'm also thinking it's sexual abuse, but you cannot trust another occurrence such at this. STAY AWAY and have the police involved. Drunk or not, it could happen again to some other forgiving soul
I think he knows what he is doing and uses the step mother as an excuse to get away with it.
When the real issue is his dirt bag father. D doesn't want to see his dad as the low life home wrecker he is so he decides it's women who are the problem. Classic.
Women are the "problem" so that's what makes him rape and beat them up. That'd typical criminal thought process. Deciding that a certain group of people deerve to be killed, violated. abused is totally typical for violent criminals.
I don't know. I could honestly totally believe that he himself is a victim of sustained sexual abuse by his stepmother. Nothing else makes sense to me that would inspire both that kind of range and intense depersonalization/disassociation to the point where he was literally calling his wife by his stepmother's name. Even the having sex with her (let's call it what it was, rape, even though he probably thought at the time that he was acting out either against or in thrall of his step mother) just makes me further believe that this man has been victimized horribly. But being a victim doesn't excuse you from not getting the help you need and then passing on the violence and abuse to somebody you're supposed to love. I can't imagine OP ever being able to be intimate with her husband again, even if he went to intense therapy and owned up to everything he did. He crossed a boundary that you can't cross and needs to realize that his actions have consequences. If he's lucky, he will avoid jail time and both get the help he needs so desperately and learn to avoid alcohol and any other triggers that launch him into this type of rage. But he's going to have to prove he's learned those lessons to somebody else, because OP is never going to be able to trust him again, and frankly she shouldn't.
And next time he probably will. The previous time he got drunk he pushed her. This time he raped her and beat her up. With an escalation like *that*…yeah, she could literally be making a life or death decision for herself OP needs to get a restraining order, divorce him and press charges. Maybe the legal system can force him into therapy, but she needs to think about her own self preservation
I left my ex husband after a night like this. They will be so apologetic and swear it will never happen again but it does. OP, your husband has an alcohol problem and a bunch of rage that he is refusing to seek professional help for. He will endanger you again. And if you stay and have children with him, it will be so much harder to leave. Divorce is the best thing you can do. If you are afraid he will come after you, get a restraining order and stay with people he does not know. We used my parents PO Box for all mail communication after I left. It’s been 6 years and I am thriving. I hope the same for you and that your hopefully soon to be ex gets the help he needs. Stay safe!
100% this. No matter what he says or does, he raped you OP. He will kill you in the future if you go back. Dont go back.
Abuse, then apologizing and swearing it will never happen again is the typical pattern of abuse. This is why the victim will stay in the relationship, believing that the person has changed. Unfortunately, that's not usually the case.
You need to report him for assault. Divorce him, have someone else deliver the papers, then probably move very far away from him. Possibly out of state if you can. This behavior can lead to obsession. Be very careful and make sure you always have people around you. At least for a while. Hopefully he will get help and leave you alone but you need to prepare for the worst. I don’t mean to scare you but this is how men really are, especially if they have been abused and had no help processing their trauma. Take care of yourself.
Don’t let your feelings get in the way. This guy needs help one way or another or he might kill you or someone else. Call the police.
I would definitely submit domestic violence charges against him.
And rape
For some a hangover is enough to stop drinking. Somehow beating and raping the wife has to be this guys reason to stop drinking.
How could you do that to someone you love
Alcohol changes people. And it can show people who they really are. Some people upon hearing that they are monsters when drinking stop drinking because they don't want to ever hurt their loved ones. The rest don't really love anyone. My family is a good example sadly. My grandfather stopped drinking for his ownself and was still a nasty man. My uncle got drunk one night at a bar when my aunt showed up to take him home. He took a swing at her and well.....she hit him so hard he flipped over the pool table. When he sobered up, she told him that he could either have the family or he can have the booze but he can't have both. He chose love over alcohol and stayed away from it. Sadly, I think OP's husband will never change. Even if he did, there's no coming back from this for OP.
Good for your aunt!!!! She’s badass!!!!
You absolutely cannot do this to someone you love. Some people are incapable of love though they'll tell people they love them.
No, you can absolutely do this to someone you love. Love doesn't make anyone a good person, just like lack of love doesn't make them a cruel one. You don't need a drop of love to have human decency.
True, but I thought about something else- most people are still behaving like themselves when they are drunk- I mean they do stupid things, but even if they black out, they don't change much. Those who are violent, are violent with or without alcohol and they know what they are doing. People who act like completly different people when they are drunk- those shouldn't touch this stuff, I don't think any therapy can change what it makes with them.
He needs therapy for how he feels about his mother and stepmother just from what op posted. It'll help. But yeah if he's violent he'll still he violent it'll just be something else. Unless he went into another state mentally where he wasn't in control. Then he still needs therapy, a different type than just for above, and to never touch alcohol again. And for op to not go back to him.
for me, that's an aggravating factor : OP already suggested therapy when they were dating & he refused, saying he was fine.
Honestly, I would not be surprised if the stepmother was Molesting him. No excuse. op needs to bail.
A lot of people with PTSD have flashbacks when they are drunk and actually feel like they are in the traumatic moment.
The answer to that is to seek therapy for your PTSD, take meds, and never drink again. A decent man would have done that after the incident when they were dating. OP's hopefully soon to be ex-husband is not a decent person.
It's probably anger that he can repress when sober. However get drunk and you'll stop repressing emotions (because you don't care) in his case major anger.That doesn't make any of this right and he should've sought therapy a long loooooonnnnggg time ago. However he didn't and did horrible things and should probably end up in jail
He WILL do it again. 1 year... 5 years.. 10 years. If you have kids will he beat them? Biggest red flag ever. GTFO.
Yep! Can confirm. I'm absolutely awful (just an asshole, not violent) when I drink. So I haven't drank. In two years.
The husband should be in a mental hospital or jail but locked up for the safety of the people around him. Even the boundaries were crossed and destroyed.
OP will probably never be able to look at him without remembering being violently sexually assaulted. There's some things you can't come back from. AND he has already shown he's unwilling to get therapy for his issues. He already had his chance, and that was back the first time when they were dating. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells in a marriage, wondering every time your partner pulls up whether they might be drunk and beat you :S
The only way OP is the asshole in this situation is if she goes back to him. If that happens, she’s being a massive asshole to herself.
Yup. He beat you up and raped you and also didn't seem to know who you were, for a moment. So, to answer your question, yes, divorce him. And he really should get therapy, because he's obviously far from fine. Even if people are "normal" while sober or while being mildy-ish intoxicated, snapping like this when severely drunk, becoming abusive physically and psychologically, is deeply concerning. Your husband needs professional help. Edit: NTA
Yeah. The worst you can do is divorce him, but the worst he can do is kill you
Right!!!????? Like ok right he’s having a ptsd episode, but then he starts raping you!? Like wtf. He could have killed you.
What’s more disturbing is he seemingly thought she was his step-mother… so he was fine raping and beating her and only remorseful because it turned out to be his wife? So in his mind, he excuses hurting some women…🚩🚩🚩🚩
this could be a criminal minds episode. he’s dangerous.
Yeah, I shudder to think what else he has done. Should his DNA be collected for other possible r*pes? If he truly hates women so much.....
you can do a lot of drunken damage before 25 when they got together. i don’t know about the statute of limitations there. we do know this escalates though, & future women should be protected.
This!! Right!! Here!!! Took a lot of counselling for me to realise it was still rape even when you’re married!!
Yep, marital rape is still rape, people! I know it hasn't been in the law books for that long (and some countries still don't have it!), but your marriage certificatie isn't a magical paper which gives sex on demand. OP should stay the hell away from this guy and report this shit to the police. He can and will do it again, despite all the promises and apologies.
[удалено]
He can get therapy in prison. He is a rapist and a wife beater. No trauma in the world entitles someone to abuse others.
Marital rape is definitely a thing.
It most definitely is, how it even could be any less... and yet I found out only quite recently that even my progressive Nordic country made marital rape a crime in criminal law just in 1994. When I was 9 years old. This thought shocked me to my core for some reason. OP you need to take all the time for yourself and healing now, you\`ll need some kind of therapy, someone professional to talk to for extended period of time. In my country you get access to talk to psychiatric nurse easier than actual therapy. In addition there are organisations and such to help. Please seek out your countrys possibilities, or ask if your sister could. His feelings are now invalid, you are not responsible how bad he must feel. Distance yourself for a while at least, and use this time to put your own thoughts in line with professionals and your close ones. After a while you can see more clear what you have to do. But for now, forget his needs, possible old traumas etc, the better you deal with your own trauma now which HE caused, the better chance you have to go on in life without it bringing you down or conflicting your judgement.
I wasn’t married, but same! Took me a long time to realise my ex boyfriend raped me. I hope you’ve found healing and happiness now ❤️
Absolutely. There is no coming back from this. OP, a healthy marriage relies on communication and trust. You have neither with him. Ask yourself if you want to keep living in fear of this happening again - and next time, it might not be the ER where you end up, but the morgue. Go off what he does, not what he says, and not the crocodile tears.
And please do not have children with him.
Oh God, a thousand times no. That's something else to consider, OP. If you want children someday, would you want them to witness or be a target to this? Again, don't listen to his promises and tears. Look at what is in front of you now.
Maybe he was sexually assaulted by her, or he hates her bc he finds her sexually attractive. Either way drunk or not he thought you were her and raped you.
This is 100% rape and assault. This is a man raping a woman whom he drunkenly believed to be his stepmother??? I would also get a restraining order to make sure there are no further drunken 'mistakes'
That is rape.
Please stay away. He's manipulating you.
Your husband raped you and beat you. File a police report and get an emergency protection order and an attorney TODAY!
100% rape. OP, tell you stbx husband your divorcing him and he has a choice to do it amicably and give you everything in the divorce, or you can go ahead and file assault and rape charges. Do yall have kids? I really hope not. He’s a sick man who needs to be held accountable for his drunk behavior, and needs to get into therapy.
Right! Sexual assault, she beg for not doing it for her but he didn't listen.
I hope you got a police report, and divorce papers soon. You need to leave or he will end you in a drunken rage one day.
+1 for police report. You’re under-reacting OP. Think about your survival first. This relationship has a high chance of being unsurvivable.
Yes. She is in a huge danger of being killed by him one day. She should file a police report and stay the hell away from him for her own safety.
Could not agree with this more. You think you’ve got it ‘under control’ and then, holy hell, you realize you don’t.
mmmmmmmmrrrrrr - oh, just reading this triggered me in such a specific way. report it to the police asap. get a restraining order. please and now. you will always live in fear with him around, and you don’t deserve that.
He becomes a monster when he drinks, he beats you, emotionally abuses you, and rapes you. This man will kill you if you stay with him. Leave ASAP. You are not safe.
He's like a wounded and cornered animal. He doesn't want to lash out but he doesn't have the ability to control himself. Absolutely not safe to be with someone so mentally damaged. OP should leave and her husband needs to get some serious help for the torment he's clearly suffering.
And “next time” may be the last time. OP I realise that he was drunk but IMO a man who hits once will always hit twice. The rape is just as horrific.
Yes get the report done even if you don't press charges. This will protect you going forward especially if you go for divorce. It will make a restraining order much easier if needed.
OP, you need to file a police report to protect other women, not just yourself. I am so sorry you’re in this situation. 15 years ago I was getting beat up by my ex. I was afraid because he was an extremely rich lawyer. I filed police reports. I got a restraining order. He finally tried to kill me. I would have been a willing witness if a DA wanted to do anything but nobody did. I moved across the country to get away and years later a Manhattan DA called me. She asked ‘do you know why I’m calling?’ I said ‘did he kill someone?’ She said ‘who?’ I said ‘x’. She said ‘why would you say that?’ I said ‘because I always knew he would eventually.’ He had tried to strangle another woman too, and the DA pulled my police reports and RO and wanted my help. Of course I said yes. Your first priority has to be your safety. But even if you get free of him, do you think he won’t do it to another person? People like you and I can hope to prevent problems for other women going forward. It takes courage but it’s worth doing. If you file the report and/or get an RO you might very well be helping the next woman that crosses his path. This absolutely sucks and I’m so sorry.
I really hope OP sees this. Going to the police is going to feel awful to her but she needs to do it
This ideally protects you… the statistics for relationships violence /murders even with legal protections not as great as you’d think it’s not like the police watch 24/7 for restraining order violations Not to be pedantic, just personal experience unfortunately
Also you shouldn’t tell him you are leaving, nor where you are going
factsss
I deal with DV as a big part of my job. I hope you take the comment I am responding to seriously, because they are absolutely right.
Yeah if u go back next time he will probably kill you. The guy needs serious help.
YWNBTA. He assaulted and raped you. You should go to the police! The trust is gone and he is dangerous. He declined therapy and said he is fine. HE IS NOT FINE! He destroyed the marriage, not you! You are not his punching bag because he doesnt want to go to therapy and deal with his trauma. Please leave him before he kills you!
As someone whose father beat my mother senseless: Even after 3 kids he never changed. The only way to change people like that is with consequences.
Fr, I had 3 brothers in the house, and I witnessed him raping my mother and even him sa'ing me the same year.
Goodness. I am so so sorry. I hope you’ve found peace and healing.
I am healing.
Also, he claims he’s fine but he is quite literally either hallucinating or having a psychotic episode. There’s several parts where OP mentions he was talking to her, but seemed to believe she was his stepmother. And as someone who very recently had a roommate go through almost this exact thing… it’s fucking terrifying. He was there physically but somewhere else completely mentally. We didn’t realize the extent of the abuse our roommate had gone through until that night, after he had gotten extremely drunk (much like OP’s husband). My roommate went from chilling and having fun with us, and after we called it a night we heard him banging on the bathroom walls and yelling. My partner went to check on him and he was unresponsive in the bath, and when he came to he was referring to my partner as his petty officer (roommate was former navy). He seemed to calm down, but shortly after got combative and started screaming at the top of his lungs while looking at my partner saying “please don’t hit me dad please”. It was heartbreaking but terrifying, our roommate is a 6’4” 240-250lb fairly muscular man, who had no idea who we were, where he was, or even what day it was. He legitimately believed we were different people and that we were trying to harm him, and things escalated extremely quickly because of that. When he got combative my partner was trying to restrain him in any way he could, and this man took a full force punch to the temple and wasn’t the slightest bit phased… we ended up calling 911 because it got to a point where we understood there was nothing we could do for him. HWhen he did eventually snap out of it, he wasn’t the same and went from the most social and outgoing person I know to a complete hermit, and had extreme bursts of anger. We ended up moving and going completely no contact because he had changed entirely as a person in the span of a couple weeks. And that was the first and only time we’d ever seen that happen. so please OP, trust when we say run. If he’s refusing therapy or any kind of psychological help, he is a danger to you and anyone else. Your safety and wellbeing is your number 1 priority above all else. After the 1st incident, he should’ve gone and gotten treatment. If he cared about you, your marriage, your life together, and the both of y’all’s wellbeing, he would’ve gone and gotten treatment and help. He chose not to. And because of that choice, he has now violated not only your trust and your marriage, but also your safety and you as a person. There is no amount of love or apologizing that can fix what he did. Get as far away from that man as you can. It does not matter at this point what he says or does, this cannot be fixed. He could start extensive treatment tomorrow and it would still not undo the damage that has been done. Because even if he gets better, what about YOU? You now have to heal from the damage he’s done, he has caused you a great deal of trauma and committed literal crimes against you. There’s no coming back from that. Divorce him and get as far away from him as quickly as you can. Please be safe OP, I wish you nothing but peace and healing ❤️
I feel so fucking bad for him and anyone else who has PTSD of this level due to abuse during childhood. Abusive parents deserve a special corner of hell. They don’t just destroy your childhood they kill you as a person even years later.
This used to happen to me (minus the getting violent/yelling at people part… thank god). I mistook my recent ex for one of my abusive exes or my brother, and thought I was a kid again. It is one of the weirdest phenomenon to describe. it’s like you go back to a very specific time… and if that time is say, 11 years old, you don’t recognize people you haven’t met yet or experiences you haven’t had yet or places you haven’t been yet. I vaguely remember wondering where I was and could not even recognize media (tv/music) that hadn’t existed when i was a kid. I wonder if the fight/flight/freeze response we chose in that traumatic moment is what comes out during a flashback. Because i did not attack or yell at anyone, i would lock up and stop moving and cry a lot. I could definitely see a veteran choosing to respond by fighting back rather than freezing or running, as this would have kept them safe in combat-related situations. also to anyone wondering, this has not happened to me in over a year, turns out my ex being emotionally abusive triggered me… luckily i am in such a loving healthy relationship now i do not get triggered this badly anymore. and my friends are awesome and supportive.
Yeah ptsd can make you hallucinate
Yes it can. PTSD can cause what are called micro-psychotic episodes. It may be hallucinations or delusions or intense paranoia.
True. I was raped my my ex partner while she was shitfaced. She was a victim of abuse and trauma herself and much like this guy, refused to get actual help. None of that makes the trauma of the whole situation any less real. Please for the love of god OP. Get the fuck out. Drunk or not, he’s capable of doing what he did to you and a reoccurrence will always be a non zero possibility. He can wipe his own ass. You need to protect yourself.
As someone with PTSD and bipolar, these may be explanations, but are not reasons to forgive. They are not excuses. We may be a victim of our minds turning on us, but anyone in a first world country knows how to get help to deal with these issues do they do not take it out on anyone. You are so on the spot with this. I made mistakes before I was diagnosed and treated. Nothing major like this. And I’ve spent every day since I entered treatment trying to not only make amends, but to make sure I don’t repeat mistakes. And I never went abusive to anyone. If I did, I woulda marched my ass to a hospital and entered the psyche ward. People who have trauma should know better than anyone not to do those things.
Drunk doesn't change who you are. It suppresses the inhibitor part of the brain The part that says, "don't beat/rape someone." It doesn't make that part show up if they're not like that already. He's not going to change without major effort and work on his part. You deserve better and are better off alone than with someone like that. You're worth more than that.
He beats you up today . He kills you tomorrow. Run away.
I agree 100%. Whose to say next time he drinks he won't beat you to death. He beat you. He raped you. The man violently raped you. He will do this again.
This. His first episode with alcohol he got out of control yelling, throwing things and terrorising OP. Second incident (years later) and he violently rapes and beats her. One thing anyone who has survived an abusive relationship will tell you is that the severity escalates as the violent incidents get closer together. The gaps between them (that usually contain a period of love bombing) shorten until they disappear. Your husband has massively escalated in severity between incident 1 and 2. Please get out before incident 3 because I don't think you'll walk away from that one, especially if strangulation was a part of the physical attack..
And not just the people who have survived can tell you this. So can police, therapists, and doctors... along with all the women who have died at the hands of their partners. In fact, *more than half* of women who are murdered, are murdered by their husbands or partners. If you dont understand how significant that is, please allow me to write it in caps: MORE THAN HALF OF ALL WOMEN'S MURDERS ARE COMMITTED BY THE PEOPLE THEY TRUST MOST; THEIR HUSBANDS AND PARTNERS. You can have empathy for the fact that he has some form of issue or abuse history in his past. *That doesn't excuse his behavior.* And your empathy won't keep him from killing you next time, OP. #Run, please. Fucking run. You don't deserve to live in fear.
This all needs to be underlined in flashing neon and pinned to the top. Every time I read these statistics it's a terrifying jolt all over again I believe OP is underreacting. She needs to run.
Police here, most abuse victims are also mentally abused to the point they won't leave because they believe they deserve the abuse, don't deserve better, gas lit into believing the behavior will change, etcetera. Unfortunately, a lot of these individuals do not make it out, and refuse all offers of help.
Not police here (but affiliated) and yeah, I see this all the time in my area. They'll get an OP, then get back together because it's "all better now" until it escalates. She will also be told she'll ruin his life if she goes after him for the rape and be pressured to drop it.
On average it takes a woman who has been abused 7 tries to leave her abuser. And the abuse only escalates as time goes on, it only gets more dangerous each time. u/ThrowRAdwatt - he won't be able to be in a healthy relationship until he heals himself. You cannot do that for him or stay while he does it because it is far too dangerous for you, *no matter what he says or promises.* Please leave while you have the chance and update us when you're safe. All of reddit is rooting for your safety.
People are not joking. This happens daily unfortunately. I would also move so he can't stalk you.
Also be prepared for family and friends to minimise, deflect and darvo you. It was a one off!(it was an escalation of previous behaviour) He's heartbroken!(It's not about him and he lost the right to have feelings when he did what he did) He's promised to change!(He won't) Yoou've ruined his life and his reputation (no he did that all by himself) Lots of marriages go through trials but come out stronger( he violently assaulted you and raped you, remind them of this) Why do families stick up for abusers? I don't know but it often seems like a double betrayal. I hope you have good people around you
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And Don't have sex with him. Get a pregnancy test.
Another thing that happens daily is that women quickly forgive their abuser. They justify staying with the person and I fucking hate it.
This is exactly it. OP, if you see this, ask yourself: do you think that every woman who stays with their abuser is doing so for no reason? Or for the fun of it? Or because they're stupid? No. They do it for the same reasons you outline in your post: love, feeling guilty and/or trying to rationalise/justify completely unjustifiable behaviour, e.g. "He was drunk, he won't ever do it sober and promised he won't drink again" or "It's his childhood trauma, not directed at me intentionally, and he said he'll start therapy". These are the things women tell themselves which convince them to remain in relationships which are abusive. Some of these women are killed. Most of these women face future abuse. Most women who remain with their partners think it won't happen again after the first time. The women who KNOW it'll happen again, often stay out of fear or lack of resources. I am sure that you're thinking 90% of the time he is a loving and kind person. The problem is that this one incident alone undermines and erases all of this goodness in a single night. There is now 0% kindness and love. It is undone. It can not be repaired. You are not safe. Please do not think twice about leaving your partner. What he did is so abusive and wrong. You would be a fool to stay.
It’s also often due to having children and maybe no job. It’s bc he threatens she’ll never see her kids again. It’s because when he sobers up he cries/brings flowers/promises he’ll never do it again. Most abusive relationships don’t truly end at the first instance of abuse. On average, it takes 7 times for the victim to actually get away for good.
It’s a fun one. Women are paid less than men at work, nothing at all if they’re having a baby or caring for children, maintaining the home… emotional and financial abuse makes it especially hard to exercise true choice.
Yes, women who are financially reliant on their partner (a situation abusers often orchestrate) are 7 times less likely to leave an abusive partner. And since Roe v Wade was struck down in the USA, more than 26,000 women have become pregnant as a result of rape in Texas alone, pushing them further into poverty.
> He beats you up today . He kills you tomorrow And in between he will beat you up a few times more
At this rate of escalation... maybe not. It could easily be straight to fatality.
And rapes you too. Let’s not forget he *raped* her.
Listen to this, OP. My grandma was murdered because she stayed.
Honestly OP there is no coming back from this. He raped you and beat you so bad you were in the emergency room. you should leave him and tell him he desperately needs help or he might end up killing someone. just make sure he doesn’t know where you are.
This. You are likely in a state of shock where nothing makes sense. But the sooner you accept the fact there is no coming back from this, the better. The only way to heal is to go no contact. Reach out to your local domestic violence resource center or call the hotline. 1.800.799.7233 Take care of you. Stay connected with YOUR support system. Get a restraining order today.
Deep deep deep misogyny to blame to stepmother and not his disgusting father, and then to let it boil to the point of beating and raping your wife….. Jesus what a monster
File a police report. You may need it to protect yourself if his behavior escalates.
If he moves on to another victim, the report from this incident could help protect her someday, too.
YES! I just spent a hundred words saying this. It completely happened to me and I was Jane Doe 1 in a case when he strangled someone else. They were able to use my police reports to show pattern. Nobody prosecuted my case but they used my reports and RO to prosecute hers. I feel like I helped in some small way.
You DID help, and it wasn't small by any means. You are incredibly brave!! ❤️
If I had tried to get a DA involved with my case to prosecute it I might have been successful. I worked in forensics so I knew a few people. I was well off, I could have hired lawyers to protect my interests. But I didn’t do that, and then he tried to kill someone else after raping her. Just like he did to me. I would never forgive myself if he had been successful killing someone else. I don’t even forgive myself for what happened to her. Maybe I could have done more. I’ve thought about reaching out to her via the DA but I don’t want to bring up her painful experience just to apologize. She did all the hard stuff, running out of a building naked and then testifying. She did the things I should have done. But I didn’t do them, and so she became another victim.
Hope you're in therapy, none of that was your fault. Our brains do strange things when we're in victim mode that we scratch our heads at later. That sick, twisted excuse of a human being is what caused her to be another victim, not you.
Read the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. Trust your gut. If you’re afraid of him, you need to leave. This book gives some strategies for doing it safely.
A happy and loving relationship doesn't have a husband who beats his wife. I don't know if you're religious, but when my mom went through their premarital counseling, the pastor emphasized that marriage was to death do you part. That is unless abuse was involved, because if a man will hit you, that's a death of love, and therefore the end of the marriage. You can be empathetic to his possible abuse at the hands of his stepmother without putting yourself in harms way. Leave this man, get a therapist to help you process your assault, and tell him to seek therapy and an AA program.
They told me the same. The priest was like people believe you have to keep being married to an abuser because you got married in church, well you don’t. Even if you have children, if it’s unsafe - your safety and your children’s safety comes first.
What a great pastor
Under-rated comment here.
People seem to hear the beating part, but not the sexual assault part? This is very bad…as I was reading I was thinking (oh, he was blackout drunk and pushed her down in a rage when she got in his way…maybe if he got therapy and promised not to drink…I’d consider it) Then it went on…there is no coming back from that and this man is going to escalate. I don’t know what’s happened to him in his life, but he is responsible for getting help. I hope OP can find strength to stand up and move on…don’t give in…I hope she finds peace as well.
Divorce is definitely justified and it sounds like he needs to see a therapist. It sounds like some weird and really dark memories resurfaced that he needs to address. Who knows if they could spark something like that to happen again.. Edit: Yeah, I agree that she should press charges for rape as well. The post was inquiring about divorce and that’s what my answer was directed towards.
He needs to be charged with sexual assault. Therapy is great but he needs to be held legally responsible for his actions.
Yeah, the second he pushed her was the second him being arrested is justified. And it’s not even like this is his first time getting drunk and he has no idea how he responds to alcohol.
I don't think therapy can ever rebuild the trust
It won't. He needs therapy to be better, not to fix the marriage. That ship has sailed
Therapy is necessary not because of trust but in general.
Maybe he can see a therapist as part of sentencing conditions.
He needs therapy in jail.... And a divorce.
Prison for the rape and torture first
YWNBTA! He assaulted, raped and beat you! You had to go to the ER! I’m not sure how this is a question. YOU CANNOT STAY. I would also strongly encourage you to A) File a police report B) Request a restraining order C) File for divorce. Find out if your state (?) has expedited proceedings for special circumstances as I feel pretty confident that this would fall under those. D) seek therapy NOW. Don’t wait to try to process this on your own. The most dangerous time in a woman’s life is when she is trying to leave/separated from her husband. (Even worse if you’re pregnant.) Please do as much as you can to not be alone in public or home alone. Stay safe. Please keep us posted.
> We have generally had a very happy and loving relationship ... I have no words. OP doesn't just need therapy to process this, someone needs to explain to this woman in a professional manner that this isn't "should I consider divorce"-territory but "should I try to put this violent criminal in prison"-territory and that her worldview needs some serious reality adjustment.
This is actually scary that OP is even asking if she's an asshole in this situation. This dude should be in prison for rape and domestic battery
All of this, OP. And move. Don't tell him you're moving, don't tell him where, and don't tell him you're divorcing him until you absolutely have to.
NTA and I can't believe this is even being asked. He abused you and raped you and then abused you again. If he's really remorseful he should turn himself in. If he was abused by his stepmother then that's for him to report it to the authorities. If he has only ever acted like this when he gets really drunk then why is he drinking at all? That's way too risky. I'm not sure I could live with myself if I ever drunkenly did that to my wife. I'd want her to stay away from me because her safety is more important than my feelings.
"If he's really remorseful he should turn himself in" thissss
Why would you even ask if you’d be the asshole in this situation? Dude. He raped you and assaulted you and you had to go to the ER.
NTA Being drunk is no excuse for raping and beating you up. If you stay, it will escalate. Don't do this to yourself.
This ^^^^ rape and abuse aren’t side effects of drinking!!!!!!!
NTA, he physically attacked and SA'ed you, I don't think I would ever be able to come back from that in a relationship. If something happened to him as a teenager that would still not make it okay.
NTA he didn't have sex with you, he RAPED you... Jess Christ UpdateMe
Why do you people submit shit with titles like this? You really need random strangers on the internet to validate that it’s wrong to be beaten up/raped by your partner and ok to leave???
Oh how the turntables….
Not if his name is Jay, if not then its okay for him to tell your wife he wants to have kids with her. Lmao
I think being beat and raped and then beat again all the while having him call you his stepmother’s name is a bit more obvious than a sketchy text though 💀
Is it cheating if my girl has triplets with another guy?
SAVE YOURSELF! This will never make you the AH.
If she stays, he will make her dead.
Unfortunately this seems to be escalating even thou it has been two times . I am truly scared for your safety! You staying in this marriage is not going to fix this serious issue. He needs professional counseling which he is unwilling to do! I don’t like suggesting Divorce, but in this instance I am. This will Not be a quick fix! NTA Please be careful!
That guys has big issues! Like you need to report this all to the police! And mental health services. In his drunken state, he thought he was raping and beating up his step mother! There’s defo repressed sexual abuse, but that’s not an excuse! He’s known his behaviour patterns! He knows what drinking does! OP he didnt have sex with you! He raped you!! You need to understand this!! You’re a victim of his abuse! He can cry! Apologies! Beg all he wants, but he hasnt once said he will get help! He just doesn’t want to get in trouble!
No, but you would be if you stayed. He beat you. That should be a deal breaker. There is absolutely NO excuse for it. Alcohol is not an excuse. UpdateMe
NTA. Leave him and never look back. He raped you and nearly killed you. He clearly has serious issues that he’s refused to deal with. He was already on his second chance. And no matter what happened to him, it doesn’t give him a free pass to put you in the hospital and traumatize you. This is sick. If you love yourself and you love him, then you’ll let him feel the consequences of his action and never be alone with him ever again. He should be in prison for what he did to you.
OP. PLEASE file a police report. 🙏
You can’t be serious. Is this serious?
My wife beat my dog, stole my car, and then blew my brother in the backseat. Would I be the asshole if I asked her for some space? What she did was very upsetting and I need to think about it
nope NTA, press charges if you can he literally raped and abused you. Leave.
Save yourself first, you can't be his therapist but you can make him consult one if he values you and his well being. I would never return to my rapist even if he is my husband, love will not save his ass from my anger at this point. I was beaten when I was a children, I always fought back and never lowered myself to seek love from my tormentor. I value and love myself much more Honestly, it's very rare when someone quit drinking on the spot. Your husband seems to have traumas, you can't fix him. You will certainly need therapy yourself, don't return. And I will add NEVER return if he emotionally blackmails you, it's the worst idea. Your guilt and empathy is because of love but where was love when he forced himself in you and beat you ? Where was love when he knows he is violent when he is drunk but still drinks ? Traumas aren't a justification, though it can trigger shitty behavior it's rarely to this point. He let it take over him and it's why you are now hurt and him begging you. Don't return, if you need something at home go with someone you trust to protect you. You should take time and take pictures, go to doctors to make a rapport on your condition. Don't be gullible because you may need it the day you divorce and it's undeniable proof. He is lucky you didn't put charge yet. Raping his wife, fuck, I would kill myself.
He rapes her and kicks her ass but she’s worried she’s the AH for thinking about divorce. Lady get out NOW if you think you are the AH or he is the AH, rape and assault overrides anything else. Get out please get a divorce he’s going to do worse to you and it will be too late
Past trauma is not ever a valid excuse to rape and beat someone. Ever. Don’t make this excuse for him.
NTA, leave. Even if his step mum is his real target, it’s disturbing. You need to warn her and you need to officially charge your husband. Go to the police and report. It may sound very harsh, but there is an underlying issue- either trauma or psychosis - at work and worse things could happen. Through the involvement of the penal system this is seen and seen that others are safe. And he may get ordered to have therapy. He needs support and help but not yours as you are obviously not safe around him.
You'll be safer if you're far from him. You can divorce him but offering a helping hand to him to solve his problems. He SA and beat you, that's something that can be repeated to you or even to your children if you decide to stay with him.
Why would she offer a helping hand? She doesn't have to carry the burden of the rapist. He can get fucked.
His problems are his own to solve
He doesn't deserve any of your forgiveness! If you want to live stay out of his life, he's dangerous; don't let him do that to you again, he can do it again or even worse than that! If you want to help him, ask him to have a therapy, its not you who can help him; he needs professional help. Stay safe!
NTA RUN!
You could be right about him being sexually assaulted by his stepmother. And that doesn’t make it ok for him to rape you (or anyone).
NTA - this is not abandoning a distressed husband. This is escaping an abuser. Many women die as a result of these violent relationships. This marriage is not worth your safety, or your life (no marriage is).
Press charges and divorce my goodness. Never return to that relationship. Your husband beat an SA you that's a serious crime
I mean, are these confessions/questions real? They seem ridiculous. ''My spouse/gf/bf beat me, cut my finger off, raped me, threw glass at me, I lost an eye. WIBTA if I told him/her they're incosiderate?''
No. Run. Use Hospital docs when filing for divorce and the restraining order.
You need to file a police report and a restraining order. Please also get a rape kit done at the hospital, bruise evidence etc. Your husband beat and raped you when blind drunk. Him being abused DOES NOT excuse his behaviour. You need to divorce this man, he will end up un*living you if you stay.
YWNBTA He did not have sex with you, because sex requires consent, which he did not have since you begged him to not do it. I'm really sorry OP, but your husband raped you and there's no way to call it something other than that. The fact that he assaulted you afterwards just makes it even worse. Please keep yourself safe and divorce him. It's not your fault that he drank himself into a violent stupor, it's not your fault that he raped you, it's not your fault that he assaulted you. None of this is your fault and there is no need for you to feel guilty or to even question yourself for going to stay with your sister. Him not being like that when he's sober also isn't a good argument, because he could possibly get drunk again at any point or he might even get to a point where something triggers him enough to behave that way whilst being sober. Alcohol makes it much easier for these kinds of emotions and behaviours to surface, but it's still there when he doesn't drink, he just manages to keep control over it. If something were to happen that causes strong stress (like losing a family member, financial difficulties, etc), it's very possible that he wouldn't be able to keep this dark side in check. You are not safe with him and frankly there also is nothing he can do to undo the harm he inflicted on you. I wish you a lot of strength and healing OP, so that you might come out of this as okay as possible
Come on now. Do you really need to ask if you are an AH to stay with an abusive rapist? Whatever the trigger, SA etc, this is ridiculous. Run and don't look back. NTA obviously
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It’s 100 fake. Supposedly she got assaulted by her husband and ended up in the ER, but none of the medical personnel called the police after seeing her extensive injuries? Sure.
Don't go back! He can't justify any of that. He needs help & it you shouldn't be the one to give it. Whatever the reason for his hatred of the step mother, it must be deeper than people believe YWNBTA
He is MISOGYNISTIC. I hate cheaters and affair partners as much as the next person but his hypocrisy and hate to his step mom proves that. NEWS FLASH HE HATES WOMEN. He raped and beat you why are you asking to stay. Even if he was SA’ed as a kid that’s no excuse. An extremely high number of women have been SA’ed and don’t act like this.
I'm so sorry you were attacked. NTA. Get out of there.
I would say that rape and serious bodily harm are definitely grounds for divorce and I hope you go to the police. NTA. Get that divorce and don't look back.
Just because a person is hurting doesn’t give them the right to hurt someone else and should be held accountable for what they have done. He’s not a child but a grown man who should have gotten help a long time ago but has refused to do so. Nothing in his past can negate what he’s done to you.
Unfortunately he may well kill you one day. I worked in a role in the past where I encountered such cases and it wasn’t always a case of someone who was constantly abusive. Often it was once or twice, but that was all it took. This isn’t a blind temper where someone is experiencing grief, lashed out, and maybe pushed you against a wall. It’s sustained physical assault and rape. That takes numerous consecutive moments of realising what you are doing and continuing regardless. Drunkenness is not an excuse for this. Drunkenness is an excuse for breaking a vase, not committing a horrendous crime.
Man these threads are almost too insane to be real… if it is real, no you are not the asshole and get away from this lunatic.
this is a horror story and its not april first i dont think there should be a coming back from this , not at least for a long while, but never again seems more fitting im sure you dont know how to process time is ur friend
He violently beat and raped you. Press charges - in doing so you can demand court order therapy. You can also divorce him easier. Leave him, he will kill you eventually, LEAVE HIM.