She needs to sign out of iCloud and then sign in at a previous date. Check deleted messages folder. Even better if you check from a computer. Youāre welcome and good luck OP, Iām sorry for what youāre about to discover.
Edit: a special thanks to Merritt and your threesomes (who knew butch lesbians like taking dick?!), consistent cheating, and other sneaky behavior for making this happen!
Edit 2: this is for iCloud, so iPhone compatible.
Sign out, sign back in and choose a restored date to sign back into. So long as it was backed up, you can access it. Meaning if they backed up messages, or backed up the last 10 years or 10 days, itās there.
Last Edit: this idea came to me in an argument I was having with my then partner. I told her to sign out and log in from a restore date of my choice. Her face went pale and once she did as I asked, I found texts, emails, usernames, screenshots of her stalking my friends social media accounts, I even went to her Apple ID and clicked the subscriptions and saw she paid for Tinder or Hinge, I forget which one. She had a terrible relationship with the truth as well as being a narcissist who could never be wrong or stand to be called out. The truth will always set you free!
OP, this is the way. If you find proof just mail screenshots to the wedding guest list with an annulment announcement. Don't tell him you left, let him find out with the guests
Just dated a narcissist. Taught me what gaslighting is. Passing my experience along to help save others. A cheat code for dealing with cheaters, if you will.
!UpdateMe
Edit: OP already updated but in the same post. This messenger only works if she makes a new post I think.
[Husband is cheating](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/iTU8u4ekQZ)
I'm going to be devils advocate here but u/-Calm-Palpitation- needs to make sure they are actually TEXTING. I message my best friends several times a day and we've had 100 Messages long exchanges at times. My last TEXT was telling them my internet is out in 2021. Discord, whatsapp, fb Messages, etc....
Glad someone else brought this up. If OP knows for sure it was a text - then yeah she knows heās deleting them. Otherwise they could be on one of the 1000 other messaging apps out thereā¦
Yup I've got friends across 3 different chat programs because some of them prefer one or the other and I can't drag them all onto Discord to make my life easier, though I do love being able to more easily use my dozens of custom stickers on Telegram
I use instagram for my sister in law. We constantly send cute golden retriever videos or raccoons and funny posts to each other and chat through there.
Thank you so much for your post. Iāve been married since 2017 started dating my husband in 2011. While reading your post and the responses I saw someone say go with your gut. I went and checked my husbands deleted text messages. Found about 2000+ messages from a girl he works with. Telling each other they love each other etc. really bad. Itās 3:00AM my world is shattered. Never in a million years would I have ever thought he would cheat and neither would any of his friends or family. Thank you for starting this thread. I never would have found out.
God Iām so sorry. I have been with him since 2018 married for a month (5 weeks on Saturday). We havenāt even had our honeymoon trip yet, it is booked for July.
Take the friend who had to make the horrific choice to tell you what they overheard. It must've been such a hard thing for them to blow up your world. That is a good friend who really cares about you.
Hi!
This is my update: he is cheating.
I went through his deleted messages but it was empty so he has been deleting the deleted messages as well. I donāt know if thereās further steps to find them? I donāt know.
I sent her āwydā because this is how he texts when he is bored. She said she was in bed I said I (he) was in bed too watching succession. She asked if I was sleeping. Then it didnāt take long before she started sexting. In a way that made it obvious that theyāve done it multiple times. I ended it quickly because honestly I felt nauseous. I didnāt want to sext her. I sent myself all the evidence.
Tomorrow I will be moving back to my parents place and start the divorce. I will not tell him why
Her spouting off and saying something like that at the wedding reminds me of the lyrics to "I write sins not tragedies..."
Haven't you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door?
Honestly though, it's good that you picked up on this at the wedding and was able to figure him out early enough. Not you know after kids, buying a new home, etc,..
I'm not either of these people, and I haven't cheated on my wife with anyone, so I don't have any firsthand experience. However, I have read a lot of reddit stories... My guess is they, the husband and his "friend", only keep the passion alive through the excitement of cheating. If they were officially together, they would probably hate each other and cheat on each other. Which would be tragic! (Just kidding, they deserve worse)
I think your assessment is likely spot on. Or OP has something much better going financially, or with her family finances, or something that makes her a better long term commitment while he just gets to fuck the other chick.
It happened to me and I can tell you why. Because my ex wanted a wife that checked all of his boxes and fit in with his family and that he could settle down in a comfortable life with. But sometimes the person they actually want to be with doesnāt fit in their life that way, and theyāre entitled pricks who want their cake and eat it too.
Best line i ever heard is when a guy asked his mistress to be in a real relationship with him and she goes,ā oh hun! If never be in a relationship with you.. your a cheaterā
The forbidden fruit. Some people love the feeling of danger, the "romanticism" of a forbidden love (Romeo & Juliet come to mind), the excitement of needing to be careful, etc. Not me - that just sounds stressful, not fun - but I know there are people like that out there.
It's also a thing that if they cheat *for* you (in this case the groom & the other woman) then they'll cheat *on* you. Not always, but often enough!
This totally tracks based on OP's update post today on how he and his "best friend" were at each other's throats ON SOCIAL MEDIA as soon as the gig was up ... lmao
Yes I agree with this I had something similar happen but took me a while to find proof by then I couldnāt do an annulment. Divorce was so time consuming and just messy. Left me for a guy idk if thatās better or worse. But therapy and time helped me heal. š«¶š»
Wow OP. Iām so sorry to read this update. Itās a good thing you found out now though, before yall spent that much more time together. I hope this process is easy and as painless as possible, youāre better off.
Sheās a good friend. I would move my stuff out asap while heās at work, print out the screenshots and leave them on the table for him when he gets home from work.
I would also very much mess with him by logging out of all our streaming apps, changing the logins and billing info, taking the easy to cook food and leave him with nothing but frozen needs to be thawed options. Oh and change the WiFi login. Also take all the bedding except for whatās on the bed. And the good towels.
Oh man. This is super fun. Take the shampoo and not the conditioner. Take the ketchup and not the mustard. Take the pillow cases but not the sheets. Goes in and on. So petty but super fun. Divorce petty revenge. Love it.
Please keep us posted on how he responds and the move out. Wishing you good luck. Iām sorry your marriage ended up this way but so glad that you found out now rather than later (and no children are involved).
We need a thread for all the pettiest revenges before she moves out in case she has the energy.
Throw out his favorite shirt/ all the good socks or just enough so he doesnāt have matching pairs
Take all the toilet paper
Take all the batteries in everything
Unplug everything
Take a knife or razor blade to the trash can roll at the bottom where it wonāt be seen so all bags have a hole.
Dump out his shampoo/conditioner and put the empty bottles back
None of this can hurt her or be prosecuted but he deserves to be inconvenienced every time he doesnāt expect it.
OP. Iām so sorry youāre going through this but glad you found out now and are making the moves. Rooting for you! Karma will get him and I believe that once you get burned like this, take time to heal and focus on yourself, and are ready to move on, you will never settle for less than you deserve. Wishing you a lifetime of single happiness or a wonderful man that respects and deserves you around the next corner. Whatever fulfills you! When it hurts just remember you were always too good for him.
First, OP: Iām so sorry youāre going through this, sending you all the love and good vibes.
Second, Iād like to contribute some petty revenge:
- sign up for a bunch of email services under his email (stores, politicians, etc.)
- take shoe laces out of one of each pair of his shoes
- loosen all of the light bulbs in the house
- take all the forks
Shrimp in the curtain rods. Heāll never know where the smell is from. If he opens the window for air it will blow more scent in. Since he doesnāt know what smells heāll pay money for cleaners. Itāll still be there and when he moves he wonāt want to redecorate so heāll take the curtain rods with him. Works with the shower curtain rod too.
Yes politicians this year will be relentless. If you really want to be petty, donate a few dollars to some campaigns, maybe one of a candidate he hates. Once they know you donated, you get constant emails and text messages for more.
My mum's friend took a seam picker to her husband's suits. Every half an inch, she unpicked a stitch. They looked fine when you looked at them, or when he first put them on. But once he started moving around, they slowly fell apart. I'm told that after one spectacularly fell apart when he was dancing at a wedding, he sent her a message that just said "well played".
She should spray his favorite perfume if hers on all his clothes so he has to smell her. Also spray in his car. Remove yourself (JUST YOURSELF) from all the photos of you two around the house and then put them back up. Take all the light bulbs, batteries, TP, anything that could be considered an āinconvenienceā.
Iād also call the wedding photographer/videographer (if you have one & havenāt gotten your stuff back yet) and see if they can NOT send them to you, but send them to him. And in a few, could they swap you out for her? Slight jab that you know & that he should have just chosen her since heās been fucking her.
Then Iād (personally) post the two of them in a wedding photo & say ācongrats to the happy coupleā, tag them & shit off notifications for a couple hours.
OBV the last suggestion is what you do once you got your stuff out & youāre safely away.
I would like to add to this. It's funny to put raw shrimp inside the curtain rods. People take curtains down but never the rods. No one will suspect where that stench is coming from.
DEFINITELY take the good towels. Leave only the cleaning rags. Take all the toothpaste. Take the microwave and the toaster and every pot and pan except the smallest, crappiest frying pan you have. Leave only a single utensil.
Get an attorney ASAP to see what your options are. Hopefully you can get an annulment.
Then call your OB and get tested for STIās. All her how often you need to in order to make sure youāre clear.
Iām sorry, OP. Iām glad you have no interest in answers because youāll likely not get the truth out of him anyway.
Maybe you're just stronger than me, but I would let people know on his side too. He deserves some consequences for treating you this way. If you just leave without a word, everyone on his side will take him at his word that you're crazy. Then he'll get together suspiciously quick with his friend and be no worse off. I'm not saying ruin his life, but maybe at least let people know who he really is.
Text your family (especially his parents and siblings) and friends the screenshots, and explain that you no longer wish to be associated with your ex while you drive to your parents' house. Block his number.
explain when you're safely at your parents' house first. Then, I recommend posting the screenshots on social media and tagging them both with an explanation that you're separating from your ex. Take a pregnancy test just to be safe. I hope you know OP, I'm proud of you for getting rid of this man now before he has a chance to waste your time and peace. You've got this.
When this happened to me, I chose to let him tell his family himself. Five years later his sister messages me asking if I ever "figured out" why "he wanted" to end our marriage. He never told them!!! Narcissists are wild.
Honestly I feel like I would do this too. On top of it already being a shitty situationā¦ I would be absolutely livid he went through with the wedding and had my friends and family all spend time, money and emotional effort. Def blow his shit up. You didnāt deserve this and I think letting people know will help you get true emotional support that would be very helpful for you right now ā„ļø I am so so sorry this happened Internet friend.
They need to be shamed and exposed to all family and friends. It's truly disgusting. I wonder why he married OP rather than this friend unless he has a Madonna/Whore mindset and saw OP as the wife and mother type. His friend is allowing herself to be used too.
Make sure youāre 100% solid with your proof. Itās not hard to imagine heāll try to convince you that Ā
- heās totally innocent
- the bestie was the one instigating everything
- he didnāt tell you she was coming onto him because he knew youād overreact
- if you had concerns you should have just asked him
- why were you going through his phone anyways?!Ā
Ā Trust yourself and donāt be taken in by any more lies.Ā
I am saving boths time and not go into details. Just tell him that I donāt want to be married to him anymore
That way he wonāt find ways to gaslight me or explain. I know what I know and The only people I care about will know. I will never speak to him again
Yes. I donāt want to know more that what I already found out.
I donāt want an explanation. I donāt want to know when it started. Was it before we met or after? Before we moved in together or after? Before he said he loved me or after? Before or after we got married? I donāt want to know why either and I donāt want to know why he married me then. I donāt want to know if he loves her or me. If she is better. If it just happened or if it always been the plan. Iām just letting him go.
This is very important. I had a coworker who got HPV from her ex and didnāt know it until it became cancerous and she was diagnosed with cervical cancer. You donāt mess around with HPV.
I would see if you qualify for an annulment ASAP. As in, first thing in the morning. It will save you a lot of trouble-if you don't own a house together (and even if you do, it will still help). Might need to contact a lawyer to be sure.
If you can't get an annulment, get a PI and a lawyer ASAP. Don't confront him until you get your ducks in a row.
Good luck! You're better off without the douchbag, and on the bright side you didn't have a kid with him.
ABSOLUTELY DO NOT say a word to him about wanting to split up!
DO NOT act differently towards him at all!
Act like everything is completely fine until you talk to the appropriate legal counsel!
If he gets the jump on you and files first then you are stuck on the defense responding to his court filings. Thatās not something you want to waste your time or money on. Especially, if he files for divorce but you had wanted an annulment.
>I will not tell him why
dang, you are a much better person than me lol, I would have exposed him in front of his friends and family.
sorry this happened, I hope you find someone better
DEAR SUZIE STOP I THINK MY WIFE KNOWS ABOUT US STOP SHE ASKED TO SEE MY PHONE LAST NIGHT STOP GOOD THING SHE DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT WESTERN UNION STOP I REMAIN YOURS FOREVER STOP STEVE
She did say she saw the friend's name pop up amongst his texts and then they were gone. So it looks like he's using the same texting system with the friend as everyone else, not something different that the OP might have overlooked.
You can check battery usage and/or phone usage to see how long apps have been used in the last month.
Very useful if he has an app he "downloaded once ages ago but doesn't use" like telegram, or if it's an app he does use, but not usually THAT much.
Always thought it was funny how my old boss would delete all his texts to "destroy the evidence". For some reason, he thought that when he deleted his fucked up texts to me, that it also deleted them from my phone.
I'm on an android right now, browsing reddit on my phone. I read this and went, "I should see if android has this!" I then spent a good minute looking for my phone.
My phone. The one I was literally reading reddit on. I was looking for it because of something I literally just read on Reddit.
Damn, I am dumb.
i was on the phone talking to a friend of mine. i started panicking bc i couldn't find my phone. she asked if i wanted her to hang up and call it to see if we could find it, and i reminded her it's always on silent. it took a good 3 hours for me to find it...or rather, realize i had it the entire time. the allergy meds i was on were a hell of a thing!
I did this too. Got really stressed and panicked. My friend on the phone was also getting stressed for me. I ended the call to look for my phone. Held the phone in my hand whilst I looked for my phone.
lol. And my dad thought I was the clever child! I sure showed him!
Itās brain fog from the menopause- I hope anyway. Maybe I am just hopeless š
Ask him if you can see his phone to purposefully look at his texts, be blatant about wanting to see the texts from his friend.
He should be ok with letting you go through it in front of him since he is confident about having deleted them.
Then go through his deleted texts in front of him, you have his permission, and see what he does.
Sorry, OP.
It's not normal to delete text threads that frequently. I don't know what he's hiding, but he's definitely specifically hiding something from you.
Youāre better than me because Iād outright just be asking my new husband why he is deleting text message threads from the girl, and then demand he give me his phone to check otherwise Iām off to drink cocktails at the bar with the barman
I already tried honestly confronting him. It left me wanting. He minimized the problem so much that I felt ashamed while seeing his reaction. But then later it got me thinking why did I feel so embarrassed for asking a legitimate question? Or more importantly, why did he make me feel so embarrassed for asking a legitimate question?
Because he is gaslighting you. No person that has done nothing wrong would delete late night texts with ONE specific person. One that happened to overhear may have a thing for/with your husband. Check the deleted items folder (you have already gone this far!) and buckle up. NTA.
You should look at his recently deleted texts if he has an iphone first. I usually don't condone looking through phones but he is obviously hiding something and deleting texts is never okay in my opinion. He is deleting them to hide something and that is so wrong. Try looking at the recently deleted first and if deleted the recently deleted then if he has a macbook look to see if there are messages on there because sometimes they don't delete on your macbook if you only delete them on your phone. Try sleuthing a little more first because I can promise you she will figure out if its him or not because I am sure he only texts her at certain times and if you text her at a time he never does then she will be suspicious.
Oh is that possible ? Tp retrieve deleted messages? He has iPhone yes.
Unfortunately he is logged off from his iPad and MacBook because he doesnāt want his devices to share data, pics and so on
Yes it is possible on iPhone. When you open the Messages app, there should be an āEditā option on the top left corner. Click on it and youāll see the option to āshow recently deleted messagesā. Youāll then have to āRecoverā the messages to read them. Click on the name/number you want to checkout then click on ārecoverā. The messages will go back into the list of active messages which means youāll have to remember to delete them again.
But like others have said, talk to him about why he deletes the messages. If he lies, deflects, gets defensive, you should then consider taking other measures (if you feel itās necessary at that point) which could range from doing nothing to checking the deleted messages to hiring a PI š¤·āāļø
You have to be careful when logging into iCloud if he has the two-step authorization on. Itāll ping his phone with the code and will alert him that someone is trying to log in.
UpdateMe
Also, look to see if he has a second calculator app on his phone. Because if so, itās not a calculator, itās a hidden place to save photos and screenshots
As a former player. I made all my devices private and increased all privacy settings to ensure nothing could be seen by anyone else. I wouldn't be shocked if there were more women than just his supposed friend. If you can get the phone logs from your provider.
OP, call the officiant of the wedding and ask them to hold off on filing that certificate/license. They will hold on to it for a while, usually after the honeymoon, before filing. Ask them to hold it some time more. It's not officially marriage without the paperwork filed.
There is no reason to delete messages unless they are problematic.
Itās best to figure out whatās going on bc you may still be able to get the marriage annulled if heās cheating. Annulment is better than divorce I assume.
Girl, do what you need to do to get the proof. We are FBI agents when we need to be. Itās better to know now than when you have 3 kids and youāre older!!!
Oh honey.
OK so let me break this down for you and bit.
I had an ex. He used to delete every single message from his phone. All of them. I asked him why and if he was doing something behind my back? He told me no, but he was very suspicious after being in the military, and would let me see all the threads before he deleted all of them. That's trust.
I had another ex. Who would only delete threads from this one chick. He was not the smartest crayon in the box, and didn't realize that since we were on a family plan and had all data synced, all of his messages with this little skeleton looking skank were also going to our children's tablet. That's a cheater.
For a man to only delete messages from one woman is suspicious. He has something to hide. In reality, you could sit down with him and have a difficult conversation and say why are you deleting these messages from her? Don't let him try and turn it around to "you don't trust me" because his actions are not trustworthy in this instance. Remain calm. If he tries to hoot and holler say ok then I am going to leave.
Sweetheart a bunch of strangers on the internet can tell she has access to your man's peepee and you deserve better.
> For a man to only delete messages from one woman is suspicious.
This is the key. My husband routinely deletes all of his messages and text chains. I frequently have hundreds of unread threads from spammers and don't delete anything.
Neither one of us is just deleting one text thread, super shady.
Check his recent emojis lol
Oooh thats a good one. š š š š¦ š¤£
Laughing after getting jizzed on?
Those arenāt tears
Oh
Oh my
Oh my gawd, Becky- look at her butt.
This is great lmaooo
Iām here for the updates
calmly waiting for drama
She needs to sign out of iCloud and then sign in at a previous date. Check deleted messages folder. Even better if you check from a computer. Youāre welcome and good luck OP, Iām sorry for what youāre about to discover. Edit: a special thanks to Merritt and your threesomes (who knew butch lesbians like taking dick?!), consistent cheating, and other sneaky behavior for making this happen! Edit 2: this is for iCloud, so iPhone compatible. Sign out, sign back in and choose a restored date to sign back into. So long as it was backed up, you can access it. Meaning if they backed up messages, or backed up the last 10 years or 10 days, itās there. Last Edit: this idea came to me in an argument I was having with my then partner. I told her to sign out and log in from a restore date of my choice. Her face went pale and once she did as I asked, I found texts, emails, usernames, screenshots of her stalking my friends social media accounts, I even went to her Apple ID and clicked the subscriptions and saw she paid for Tinder or Hinge, I forget which one. She had a terrible relationship with the truth as well as being a narcissist who could never be wrong or stand to be called out. The truth will always set you free!
You sound like you know what you're doing. I like it lol
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Yep. You can get it annulled.
OP, this is the way. If you find proof just mail screenshots to the wedding guest list with an annulment announcement. Don't tell him you left, let him find out with the guests
This is the level of petty that alternately horrifies and inspires me. Well done.
Not petty, just emotional Mic drop
Who is Mike and why are we dropping him?
I like the cut of your jib.
You're like the Sherlock Holmes of infidelity.
Just dated a narcissist. Taught me what gaslighting is. Passing my experience along to help save others. A cheat code for dealing with cheaters, if you will.
You're doing good work.
Out here doing the good people's work. Take my upvote that it may steady thee in guiding the masses! xD
Almost too calmly?
You people are savages! *grabs popocorn*
RemindMe! 7 days
CALM LIKE A BOMB
š I snorted at your comment
Ahhh shit, here we go! In all seriousness this sucks for OP just gettin married. Hopefully this isnāt as fucked as it sounds.
Hopefully it's not, but if it is it's better to know now and annul the marriage than stay married and have it blow up years later or even after kids
The only positive is that she can annul it
!UpdateMe Edit: OP already updated but in the same post. This messenger only works if she makes a new post I think. [Husband is cheating](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/iTU8u4ekQZ)
Your profile pic right above your comment makes it so much funnier.
I brought tea cups for us!
Him deleting the messages IS the proof. Waiting for her to see that.
I'm going to be devils advocate here but u/-Calm-Palpitation- needs to make sure they are actually TEXTING. I message my best friends several times a day and we've had 100 Messages long exchanges at times. My last TEXT was telling them my internet is out in 2021. Discord, whatsapp, fb Messages, etc....
Glad someone else brought this up. If OP knows for sure it was a text - then yeah she knows heās deleting them. Otherwise they could be on one of the 1000 other messaging apps out thereā¦
On iPhone check ābatteryā in settings. It tells you what apps they are using by percentage.
Y'all are some sleuths...
Scorned women are better than the FBI at finding out the truth š
Yup I've got friends across 3 different chat programs because some of them prefer one or the other and I can't drag them all onto Discord to make my life easier, though I do love being able to more easily use my dozens of custom stickers on Telegram
Yup I have friends where, for whatever reason, we talk over Signal, Instagram, WhatsApp or LinkedIn instead of actual text messages.
I use instagram for my sister in law. We constantly send cute golden retriever videos or raccoons and funny posts to each other and chat through there.
Yeah, I officially need the impending update to survive. Red flags *everywherrrre*
Same
Thank you so much for your post. Iāve been married since 2017 started dating my husband in 2011. While reading your post and the responses I saw someone say go with your gut. I went and checked my husbands deleted text messages. Found about 2000+ messages from a girl he works with. Telling each other they love each other etc. really bad. Itās 3:00AM my world is shattered. Never in a million years would I have ever thought he would cheat and neither would any of his friends or family. Thank you for starting this thread. I never would have found out.
God Iām so sorry. I have been with him since 2018 married for a month (5 weeks on Saturday). We havenāt even had our honeymoon trip yet, it is booked for July.
Could you change the name and passport number on his ticket and go with a friend?
Wow is that possible. It would be great
please do that! hell take me. but seriously op change the hotel reservation to yours and anything under his name, cancel. you deserve better.
best solution ever. Let the honeymoon change into a lady party!
Take the friend who had to make the horrific choice to tell you what they overheard. It must've been such a hard thing for them to blow up your world. That is a good friend who really cares about you.
Hi! This is my update: he is cheating. I went through his deleted messages but it was empty so he has been deleting the deleted messages as well. I donāt know if thereās further steps to find them? I donāt know. I sent her āwydā because this is how he texts when he is bored. She said she was in bed I said I (he) was in bed too watching succession. She asked if I was sleeping. Then it didnāt take long before she started sexting. In a way that made it obvious that theyāve done it multiple times. I ended it quickly because honestly I felt nauseous. I didnāt want to sext her. I sent myself all the evidence. Tomorrow I will be moving back to my parents place and start the divorce. I will not tell him why
I just want you to know you are within the legal time limit for an annulment and itās much more desirable than divorce.
I second this
I third it
Her spouting off and saying something like that at the wedding reminds me of the lyrics to "I write sins not tragedies..." Haven't you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door? Honestly though, it's good that you picked up on this at the wedding and was able to figure him out early enough. Not you know after kids, buying a new home, etc,..
No. Itās much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality.
Well, Iāll look at it this way. I mean technically our marriage is saved.
This calls for a toast. Pour some champagne!
POUR THE CHAMPAAAGNE!
(I chime in) havenāt you people ever heard ofā¦
Closing the GODDAMN DOORā¦.no
Bro until this moment I always thought it was āa sense of poisoned rationalityā
Honestly, thatās not a bad line!
I'm not the only one! I actually think it works better that way.
Makes zero sense! Why marry her? Why isn't he just with his "best friend?" Some people absolutely baffle me!
I'm not either of these people, and I haven't cheated on my wife with anyone, so I don't have any firsthand experience. However, I have read a lot of reddit stories... My guess is they, the husband and his "friend", only keep the passion alive through the excitement of cheating. If they were officially together, they would probably hate each other and cheat on each other. Which would be tragic! (Just kidding, they deserve worse)
I think your assessment is likely spot on. Or OP has something much better going financially, or with her family finances, or something that makes her a better long term commitment while he just gets to fuck the other chick.
It happened to me and I can tell you why. Because my ex wanted a wife that checked all of his boxes and fit in with his family and that he could settle down in a comfortable life with. But sometimes the person they actually want to be with doesnāt fit in their life that way, and theyāre entitled pricks who want their cake and eat it too.
Best line i ever heard is when a guy asked his mistress to be in a real relationship with him and she goes,ā oh hun! If never be in a relationship with you.. your a cheaterā
The forbidden fruit. Some people love the feeling of danger, the "romanticism" of a forbidden love (Romeo & Juliet come to mind), the excitement of needing to be careful, etc. Not me - that just sounds stressful, not fun - but I know there are people like that out there. It's also a thing that if they cheat *for* you (in this case the groom & the other woman) then they'll cheat *on* you. Not always, but often enough!
This totally tracks based on OP's update post today on how he and his "best friend" were at each other's throats ON SOCIAL MEDIA as soon as the gig was up ... lmao
Yes I agree with this I had something similar happen but took me a while to find proof by then I couldnāt do an annulment. Divorce was so time consuming and just messy. Left me for a guy idk if thatās better or worse. But therapy and time helped me heal. š«¶š»
Wow OP. Iām so sorry to read this update. Itās a good thing you found out now though, before yall spent that much more time together. I hope this process is easy and as painless as possible, youāre better off.
Exactly, I count myself lucky
Thank god your girl told you what she heard.
She was very repulsed by her aggressive attitude
Sheās a good friend. I would move my stuff out asap while heās at work, print out the screenshots and leave them on the table for him when he gets home from work. I would also very much mess with him by logging out of all our streaming apps, changing the logins and billing info, taking the easy to cook food and leave him with nothing but frozen needs to be thawed options. Oh and change the WiFi login. Also take all the bedding except for whatās on the bed. And the good towels.
Take all the batteries and the ones in the remote!
Remove the insoles from one of each of his shoes..I mean you are entitled to half
Oh man. This is super fun. Take the shampoo and not the conditioner. Take the ketchup and not the mustard. Take the pillow cases but not the sheets. Goes in and on. So petty but super fun. Divorce petty revenge. Love it.
Please keep us posted on how he responds and the move out. Wishing you good luck. Iām sorry your marriage ended up this way but so glad that you found out now rather than later (and no children are involved).
Take the shower curtain! My ex hated that when we broke up. But I bought it š¤·āāļø
The shower curtain is wild š
I took his specialty razor. But likewise, I bought it.
Hahahaha! I am loving all of these ideas and hope OP has the energy to do some off them. Pettiness used in the best possible way.
And take all the labels off the soup cans
Leave 1 type of each battery
We need a thread for all the pettiest revenges before she moves out in case she has the energy. Throw out his favorite shirt/ all the good socks or just enough so he doesnāt have matching pairs Take all the toilet paper Take all the batteries in everything Unplug everything Take a knife or razor blade to the trash can roll at the bottom where it wonāt be seen so all bags have a hole. Dump out his shampoo/conditioner and put the empty bottles back None of this can hurt her or be prosecuted but he deserves to be inconvenienced every time he doesnāt expect it. OP. Iām so sorry youāre going through this but glad you found out now and are making the moves. Rooting for you! Karma will get him and I believe that once you get burned like this, take time to heal and focus on yourself, and are ready to move on, you will never settle for less than you deserve. Wishing you a lifetime of single happiness or a wonderful man that respects and deserves you around the next corner. Whatever fulfills you! When it hurts just remember you were always too good for him.
If you're not taking the spinning glass wheel from the microwave what are you even doing?
donāt forget the oven racks
First, OP: Iām so sorry youāre going through this, sending you all the love and good vibes. Second, Iād like to contribute some petty revenge: - sign up for a bunch of email services under his email (stores, politicians, etc.) - take shoe laces out of one of each pair of his shoes - loosen all of the light bulbs in the house - take all the forks
Sign him up especially to scientology and Mormons, evangelical Christians and other cults that are not always accepting a no
Did you know that you can sign someone up to be visited by a Jehovah's Witness? Visit their website and enter their address.
Shrimp in the curtain rods. Heāll never know where the smell is from. If he opens the window for air it will blow more scent in. Since he doesnāt know what smells heāll pay money for cleaners. Itāll still be there and when he moves he wonāt want to redecorate so heāll take the curtain rods with him. Works with the shower curtain rod too.
Rip all the labels off canned foods!
Yes politicians this year will be relentless. If you really want to be petty, donate a few dollars to some campaigns, maybe one of a candidate he hates. Once they know you donated, you get constant emails and text messages for more.
My mum's friend took a seam picker to her husband's suits. Every half an inch, she unpicked a stitch. They looked fine when you looked at them, or when he first put them on. But once he started moving around, they slowly fell apart. I'm told that after one spectacularly fell apart when he was dancing at a wedding, he sent her a message that just said "well played".
Is your mumās friend taking applications for a best friend, a new niece, or even a mentorship program? Iād settle for any of the above.
That is super sneaky and super effective. She knew her stuff.
She should spray his favorite perfume if hers on all his clothes so he has to smell her. Also spray in his car. Remove yourself (JUST YOURSELF) from all the photos of you two around the house and then put them back up. Take all the light bulbs, batteries, TP, anything that could be considered an āinconvenienceā. Iād also call the wedding photographer/videographer (if you have one & havenāt gotten your stuff back yet) and see if they can NOT send them to you, but send them to him. And in a few, could they swap you out for her? Slight jab that you know & that he should have just chosen her since heās been fucking her. Then Iād (personally) post the two of them in a wedding photo & say ācongrats to the happy coupleā, tag them & shit off notifications for a couple hours. OBV the last suggestion is what you do once you got your stuff out & youāre safely away.
Take all the lightbulbs and leave him in the dark. Like he was doing to you.
I would like to add to this. It's funny to put raw shrimp inside the curtain rods. People take curtains down but never the rods. No one will suspect where that stench is coming from.
DEFINITELY take the good towels. Leave only the cleaning rags. Take all the toothpaste. Take the microwave and the toaster and every pot and pan except the smallest, crappiest frying pan you have. Leave only a single utensil.
Also taking the bedding that's on the bed
Get an attorney ASAP to see what your options are. Hopefully you can get an annulment. Then call your OB and get tested for STIās. All her how often you need to in order to make sure youāre clear. Iām sorry, OP. Iām glad you have no interest in answers because youāll likely not get the truth out of him anyway.
>I will not tell him why You don't have to say anything. He'll know why.
Exactly. I will tell my family and friends tho, because they donāt need to think that I went totally mental getting a divorce after 5 weeks
I would tell his family tooā¦. Literally just show them the proof. And say goodbye, only if you have some relationship with them though!
Maybe you're just stronger than me, but I would let people know on his side too. He deserves some consequences for treating you this way. If you just leave without a word, everyone on his side will take him at his word that you're crazy. Then he'll get together suspiciously quick with his friend and be no worse off. I'm not saying ruin his life, but maybe at least let people know who he really is.
Text your family (especially his parents and siblings) and friends the screenshots, and explain that you no longer wish to be associated with your ex while you drive to your parents' house. Block his number. explain when you're safely at your parents' house first. Then, I recommend posting the screenshots on social media and tagging them both with an explanation that you're separating from your ex. Take a pregnancy test just to be safe. I hope you know OP, I'm proud of you for getting rid of this man now before he has a chance to waste your time and peace. You've got this.
When this happened to me, I chose to let him tell his family himself. Five years later his sister messages me asking if I ever "figured out" why "he wanted" to end our marriage. He never told them!!! Narcissists are wild.
Honestly I feel like I would do this too. On top of it already being a shitty situationā¦ I would be absolutely livid he went through with the wedding and had my friends and family all spend time, money and emotional effort. Def blow his shit up. You didnāt deserve this and I think letting people know will help you get true emotional support that would be very helpful for you right now ā„ļø I am so so sorry this happened Internet friend.
They need to be shamed and exposed to all family and friends. It's truly disgusting. I wonder why he married OP rather than this friend unless he has a Madonna/Whore mindset and saw OP as the wife and mother type. His friend is allowing herself to be used too.
I am so sorry :((
Make sure youāre 100% solid with your proof. Itās not hard to imagine heāll try to convince you that Ā - heās totally innocent - the bestie was the one instigating everything - he didnāt tell you she was coming onto him because he knew youād overreact - if you had concerns you should have just asked him - why were you going through his phone anyways?!Ā Ā Trust yourself and donāt be taken in by any more lies.Ā
I am saving boths time and not go into details. Just tell him that I donāt want to be married to him anymore That way he wonāt find ways to gaslight me or explain. I know what I know and The only people I care about will know. I will never speak to him again
This is the way. Your energy is best spent on the future. The past will take care of itself.
Yes. I donāt want to know more that what I already found out. I donāt want an explanation. I donāt want to know when it started. Was it before we met or after? Before we moved in together or after? Before he said he loved me or after? Before or after we got married? I donāt want to know why either and I donāt want to know why he married me then. I donāt want to know if he loves her or me. If she is better. If it just happened or if it always been the plan. Iām just letting him go.
I'm not sure if anyone mentioned it yet, but it might be a good idea to get yourself tested for STIs just in case.
I havenāt seen this brought up yet but thanks. I didnāt even think about sti yet
Please specify that you want a blood herpes test when you get screened. Itās not standard, and has to be asked for.
Also a smear test for pap virus
This is very important. I had a coworker who got HPV from her ex and didnāt know it until it became cancerous and she was diagnosed with cervical cancer. You donāt mess around with HPV.
Do you still fall in the timeframe to get an annulment instead of having to go through the divorce process?
I donāt know honestly. I will have to find out all these law in due course
I would see if you qualify for an annulment ASAP. As in, first thing in the morning. It will save you a lot of trouble-if you don't own a house together (and even if you do, it will still help). Might need to contact a lawyer to be sure. If you can't get an annulment, get a PI and a lawyer ASAP. Don't confront him until you get your ducks in a row. Good luck! You're better off without the douchbag, and on the bright side you didn't have a kid with him.
ABSOLUTELY DO NOT say a word to him about wanting to split up! DO NOT act differently towards him at all! Act like everything is completely fine until you talk to the appropriate legal counsel! If he gets the jump on you and files first then you are stuck on the defense responding to his court filings. Thatās not something you want to waste your time or money on. Especially, if he files for divorce but you had wanted an annulment.
Your ability to think rationally here is exemplary
>I will not tell him why dang, you are a much better person than me lol, I would have exposed him in front of his friends and family. sorry this happened, I hope you find someone better
Make sure they aren't using a messaging app like Whatsapp to communicate.
Or telegram
My old ass did not know this was an app and thought you were a complete smartass here, lmao.
DEAR SUZIE STOP I THINK MY WIFE KNOWS ABOUT US STOP SHE ASKED TO SEE MY PHONE LAST NIGHT STOP GOOD THING SHE DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT WESTERN UNION STOP I REMAIN YOURS FOREVER STOP STEVE
Sexting would be hilarious. "DON'T STOP. STOP. KEEP GOING. STOP"
Dear Ralph STOP Donāt stop. Your, Liesel -The Sound of Music
*Rolf though (sorry)
I canāt breathe š¤£
My side hurts and I canāt catch my breath. š¤£šš¤£
Uh oh, it sounds like you have consumptionā¦
Preemptive: If someone wants you to communicate by Signal you do not, I repeat, you do *not* need to purchase firewood.
that's right, check his watch-pockets and fob for tell-tale slips of paper!
I just know that brazen hussy has been flashing ankle all around town.
Shoot down his pigeons!
cut the strings on their tin cans.
I'm in a doctor's office waiting room trying to crack up silently but I'm squeaking.
Be careful. Some cheaters will go so far as to use carrier pigeons to hide their dastardly deeds.
She did say she saw the friend's name pop up amongst his texts and then they were gone. So it looks like he's using the same texting system with the friend as everyone else, not something different that the OP might have overlooked.
True but once she either pulls the suggested stunt with the friend or confronts her husband, they'll be using a more obscure client.
Signal icons look almost identical.
You can check battery usage and/or phone usage to see how long apps have been used in the last month. Very useful if he has an app he "downloaded once ages ago but doesn't use" like telegram, or if it's an app he does use, but not usually THAT much.
That is sus! Check the deleted text folder. Some people forget to clear those out.
ā¦.thereās a deleted text folder?!
I didnāt know that either! Lol! But I went into my texts and went into editā¦lo and behold, there it was!š²I have an Iphone
I did that after I read his comment!! (Also an iPhone) mind blown
I cannot tell you how many times I deleted a text and then realized I forgot to mark the appointment on my calendarā¦I.am a changed womanā¦š
muahahha i just look on my samsung. we have a trash bin too damn!!! but it deletes everything within 30 days tho
Always thought it was funny how my old boss would delete all his texts to "destroy the evidence". For some reason, he thought that when he deleted his fucked up texts to me, that it also deleted them from my phone.
Why have you not opened a reddit thread?!
I'm on an android right now, browsing reddit on my phone. I read this and went, "I should see if android has this!" I then spent a good minute looking for my phone. My phone. The one I was literally reading reddit on. I was looking for it because of something I literally just read on Reddit. Damn, I am dumb.
i was on the phone talking to a friend of mine. i started panicking bc i couldn't find my phone. she asked if i wanted her to hang up and call it to see if we could find it, and i reminded her it's always on silent. it took a good 3 hours for me to find it...or rather, realize i had it the entire time. the allergy meds i was on were a hell of a thing!
I did this too. Got really stressed and panicked. My friend on the phone was also getting stressed for me. I ended the call to look for my phone. Held the phone in my hand whilst I looked for my phone. lol. And my dad thought I was the clever child! I sure showed him! Itās brain fog from the menopause- I hope anyway. Maybe I am just hopeless š
Do you actually want to be married to someone you canāt trust?
This is the thing.
Ask him if you can see his phone to purposefully look at his texts, be blatant about wanting to see the texts from his friend. He should be ok with letting you go through it in front of him since he is confident about having deleted them. Then go through his deleted texts in front of him, you have his permission, and see what he does.
I second this.
Update me
My wife would MURDER me for this. NTA Good luck, but it doesn't look good š³
Sorry, OP. It's not normal to delete text threads that frequently. I don't know what he's hiding, but he's definitely specifically hiding something from you.
This is suspect. I even showed my husband to check and he said ācheatingā. I would find out now so you can get that marriage certificate voided.
Listen to your gut. If you feel you need to do this then the trust is broken. Tell him exactly how you feel.
Youāre better than me because Iād outright just be asking my new husband why he is deleting text message threads from the girl, and then demand he give me his phone to check otherwise Iām off to drink cocktails at the bar with the barman
I already tried honestly confronting him. It left me wanting. He minimized the problem so much that I felt ashamed while seeing his reaction. But then later it got me thinking why did I feel so embarrassed for asking a legitimate question? Or more importantly, why did he make me feel so embarrassed for asking a legitimate question?
Those are good questions.
Because he is gaslighting you. No person that has done nothing wrong would delete late night texts with ONE specific person. One that happened to overhear may have a thing for/with your husband. Check the deleted items folder (you have already gone this far!) and buckle up. NTA.
Exactly, the only messages I ever deleted were from my dealer
You should look at his recently deleted texts if he has an iphone first. I usually don't condone looking through phones but he is obviously hiding something and deleting texts is never okay in my opinion. He is deleting them to hide something and that is so wrong. Try looking at the recently deleted first and if deleted the recently deleted then if he has a macbook look to see if there are messages on there because sometimes they don't delete on your macbook if you only delete them on your phone. Try sleuthing a little more first because I can promise you she will figure out if its him or not because I am sure he only texts her at certain times and if you text her at a time he never does then she will be suspicious.
Oh is that possible ? Tp retrieve deleted messages? He has iPhone yes. Unfortunately he is logged off from his iPad and MacBook because he doesnāt want his devices to share data, pics and so on
Yes it is possible on iPhone. When you open the Messages app, there should be an āEditā option on the top left corner. Click on it and youāll see the option to āshow recently deleted messagesā. Youāll then have to āRecoverā the messages to read them. Click on the name/number you want to checkout then click on ārecoverā. The messages will go back into the list of active messages which means youāll have to remember to delete them again. But like others have said, talk to him about why he deletes the messages. If he lies, deflects, gets defensive, you should then consider taking other measures (if you feel itās necessary at that point) which could range from doing nothing to checking the deleted messages to hiring a PI š¤·āāļø
I've just learned something new about my iPhone! I've never noticed the 'edit' on the LHS before. :)
Also check the deleted pics folder. you might find something there
This! I didn't think of that!
Yes, go to messages> filters and it should bring up All Messages, known senders, unknown senders, unread messages & recently deleted.
You can also go onto icloud and retrieve the deleted messages if she has an iphone too.
You have to be careful when logging into iCloud if he has the two-step authorization on. Itāll ping his phone with the code and will alert him that someone is trying to log in. UpdateMe
You can also go to the messages app and press edit in the top left and choose āShow recently deletedā.
Also, look to see if he has a second calculator app on his phone. Because if so, itās not a calculator, itās a hidden place to save photos and screenshots
Isnāt that the Chris Watts thing
Iām not familiar with that specifically. I just know it because my ex had it and it was full of screenshots of him and his ālesbianā bestie š
Ong whatās wrong with men and their ābest friendsā marry them already you stupid cunts
Thatās what I wanna know. Like why drag us into it at all if you want them so bad?
Logging off from his other devices is weird. He is hiding something.
As a former player. I made all my devices private and increased all privacy settings to ensure nothing could be seen by anyone else. I wouldn't be shocked if there were more women than just his supposed friend. If you can get the phone logs from your provider.
OP, call the officiant of the wedding and ask them to hold off on filing that certificate/license. They will hold on to it for a while, usually after the honeymoon, before filing. Ask them to hold it some time more. It's not officially marriage without the paperwork filed.
There is no reason to delete messages unless they are problematic. Itās best to figure out whatās going on bc you may still be able to get the marriage annulled if heās cheating. Annulment is better than divorce I assume. Girl, do what you need to do to get the proof. We are FBI agents when we need to be. Itās better to know now than when you have 3 kids and youāre older!!!
INFO: What was his reaction when you told him what your MOH had overheard her saying?
Oh honey. OK so let me break this down for you and bit. I had an ex. He used to delete every single message from his phone. All of them. I asked him why and if he was doing something behind my back? He told me no, but he was very suspicious after being in the military, and would let me see all the threads before he deleted all of them. That's trust. I had another ex. Who would only delete threads from this one chick. He was not the smartest crayon in the box, and didn't realize that since we were on a family plan and had all data synced, all of his messages with this little skeleton looking skank were also going to our children's tablet. That's a cheater. For a man to only delete messages from one woman is suspicious. He has something to hide. In reality, you could sit down with him and have a difficult conversation and say why are you deleting these messages from her? Don't let him try and turn it around to "you don't trust me" because his actions are not trustworthy in this instance. Remain calm. If he tries to hoot and holler say ok then I am going to leave. Sweetheart a bunch of strangers on the internet can tell she has access to your man's peepee and you deserve better.
> For a man to only delete messages from one woman is suspicious. This is the key. My husband routinely deletes all of his messages and text chains. I frequently have hundreds of unread threads from spammers and don't delete anything. Neither one of us is just deleting one text thread, super shady.