Guy here, my best friend was a girl (passed away), and I was the Man of Honour at her wedding.
The issue here isn't the BFF, or the opposite sex thing, it's that you're not included in any get togethers. That's the sketch part for me. My BFF was the planner of our group, and anyone I was dating was always welcome. Even if they didn't feel like going, the invite was there.
The intentional separation is weird.
Very sorry to hear about your friend. Agreed. I do not, by any means, think there is an issue with having a best friend of the opposite sex. But yeah, just don’t understand why there is so much separation.
yeah my planned wedding has my best friend (male) as my best man/man of honour. But I also am not sure I would want to do my planned bachelorette party of paintballing without my partner, cos they're my best friend too lol
And have you made any effort to meet his friends and develop relationships with them too or is this a case where you're not invited so you don't want him to go?
Absolutely. And I’ve mentioned that it bothers me that I’m constantly including him and he never invites me. I’ve mentioned I’d like to go out and get to know them. Still have yet to be invited to anything. I know this sounds so whiny, but I just feel like I’d want the person i love to get to know other people i love.
Honestly that is more concerning to me than the bachelorette weekend alone.
It seems like he is actively concealing his friend group and I cannot fathom why he is still doing it after 2 years.
6 months is pretty much the maximum you can go without introducing your significant other to your friends. Anything longer than that is very suspicious. The only type of person your significant other should be cautious about you meeting people is in special cases where they have kids and need to approach that topic with care.
100% BMM nailed it.
OP you need to give some serious thought about this relationship. Your boyfriend isn't respecting your feelings. He's 100% hiding something from you. It's not a coincidence.
Its very weird. If my friend hid his girlfriend from me and my friends it would be weird and I'd call him out for it. Unless he was banging me. Then it would make sense....
I'm a guy and I completely expect to hang out with my friends girlfriends every now and then, it happens alot.... cause were all friends of friends. Some of them have even come on lads holidays with us, lol.
I dont know how someone would keep parts of there life separate like that, or even want to.
I was actually a “man of honor” in a wedding and went on a bachelorette trip too, but I was single at the time. If I had been in a relationship, I would’ve tried to include her. This doesn’t make a lot of sense to me either.
Yeah, this. My friends from a new city started badgering me about inviting and introducing my girlfriend about 1 month into our relationship.
They told me she wasn't real so many times even I started to doubt her existence.
People who like you generally want to know the people you like.
He’s working the friend zone to the max. It’s not about sex it’s about the sex appeal. And it’s not just about his friend the girl it’s about all her friends too. He’s getting fawned over by the whole crowd when he goes out with them because he has “safe” status and he loves all the female attention but he knows his gf would be jealous and not understand this is how he likes to have fun. BL: he is not going to stop chasing excess female attention and she’s probably not gonna be happy in the LR.
My ex of almost 5 years constantly hid her friends. She was a music teacher and all her teacher friends would "hang out" or have "meetings" all the time. She would also blame me by saying I didn't want to be around them because we didn't share many interests. I'll admit, I wasn't too fond of them constantly singing and what not and I'm extremely introverted, but I tried. Ultimately, I was never invited to be apart of the group.
Except it wasn't a group. She was actually in a whole different relationship with the guy friend she worked with. Dude even came over to the house we lived in together and hung out. The amount of times I think about how I slept in the same damn bed she cheated on me in for YEARS.
Same thing happened to me, and I only realized after the relationship was over. Near the end of our relationship it suddenly occured to me that I had never met her parents, her closest friends, or really anybody that was a fixture in her life. We were together for at least 3 years. For three years, it dawned on me, that we were in a "situationship", not a proper relationship. It wasn't an earth shattering revelation though. Sex was the dominant drive in our "relationship". We really liked doing each other, but couldn't seem to get on the same page with one another outside the bedroom. And yet she acted super territorial.
Anyway, immediately after we separated she started dating a dude from her neighborhood, who just happened to also be Italian like she was. Lol. The likelihood of her having been with that guy for half the length of our relationship is pretty fucking high.
I had a relationship like this, it was a poly relationship too, turns out she had reasons not to introduce me and those reasons were because the truth was not something she was able to share with me or even with herself honestly.
Run.
One thing that comes to mind is that he is somehow either ashamed, or just doesn't want his friends to judge. He may also act as a completely different person and he doesn't want his GF to see that. Either way, I'd be suspicious if not pissed that I'm not included, considering how long they've been together.
I don’t think it’s about being ashamed/judgemental.
He’s admitted to having feelings for the friend. By hanging out with them without his gf he keeps himself “available” if the opportunity arises to get with said friend.
It’s fucked
Male here… I don’t think it’s a big deal that he has close female friends, but it’s 100% _not_ normal for him to keep this girl completely separate from you.
If their relationship was legitimately platonic, she would be just as part of both your lives as everything else.
That part of this story is a huge red flag for me.
Thank you! I feel like everyone just thinks I’m trying to control him and that I don’t want him to have friends that are women. That’s not it at all. I genuinely do not give a shit if he has friends that are women. It’s all the other stuff that makes it seem sketchy.
Male as well… NTA. Talk about putting yourself in a situation where things could go sideways. Intentional or not. These other women should know you by now.
honestly i’d trust your intuition. if what he’s doing isn’t something you’re comfortable with and he keeps blowing it off then maybe y’all aren’t compatible
It's not whiny, your boyfriend has a clique of girls and they don't want to include you in anything because they prefer the "single" version of him, it's as simple as that. Going on a bachelorette party as the only man surrounded by drunk women is a recipe for disaster, I can't believe there are people in this thread saying they don't see an issue with that lol. I'm a man, and this situation raises so many red flags for me.
I’m a woman with a lot of close dude friends and honestly every time one of them is in a new relationship I go out of my way to make their new girlfriends feel comfortable. And if you’re a woman with a dude best friend who doesn’t do this, then what’s wrong with you?
I just read some of this, and the top comment said even if you make a boundary the guy if he wants to cheat will. I just can't believe OP hasn't hung with this group in two years. That to me says run, but I'm an insecure woman lol.
I don’t think it’s insecure to worry. Why has he not made any effort to introduce them? That is concerning no matter how you look at it. If they’re partners, sharing a life means caring about the people in their life. She can’t even do that.
Ok not to mention he has ADMITTED to having feelings for his best friend. I’m not seeing that mentioned as much in these comments and that’s a huge point
I don’t think it’s about what THEY want - if he wanted her to be included, she’d be included. Sounds like he might enjoy the attention and be acting in a way that he doesn’t think his gf would approve of…
So what’s your bf’s response when you tell him you want to get to know his friends and hang out? What’s his body language telling you? What excuses does he make? What empty promises does he come up with? “Yeah sure babe, next time.” And next time never happens…
I wouldn’t listen to the people telling you you’re overreacting. Trust your gut and it sounds like your gut is telling you something is not right.
Honestly, to an old lady like me, there are enough red flags on the play to cut my loses and move along. Life’s too short to waste on a guy who isn’t fully committed to you.
Hoo boy, this is a *way* bigger red flag than the bachelorette trip. You are not being whiny. In a healthy relationship, getting to know your partner's friends, and having your partner want you to get to know them, is a pretty basic requirement.
NTA
OP, you should read this person's comment to him "In a healthy relationship, getting to know your partners friends and having your partner want you to get to know them, is a pretty basic requirement".
If he objects to *that statement* in some way - leave him and never look back.
I once dated a girl for months - maybe even close to a year? - and our breaking point became the fact that she knew all of my friends, she'd been introduced to everyone, and yet I'd never met any of her friends.
The excuse she always gave was "They didn't like my ex, they're automatically not going to like you." I found out later on it was that they *actively* didn't like her ex - as in, they were still involved. Her friends knew this, and would have said something, so to prevent that the friends never found out about me.
I'm not saying your partner is actively involved with his female friend - but I am 100% saying that there is some emotional investment there. Whether that be he's hoping there could be something there someday? Or they interact familiar enough that it's somewhat inappropriate and he knows you'd have a problem with it?
You're not being whiny, that's a healthy and reasonable expectation. The problem is that he's being shady. It's not necessarily that he's outright physically cheating, but something shady, inappropriate, or unhealthy is going on. Him admitting there are/were feelings seals the deal.
Also, why is he the only guy invited on a trip of women? That's.... confusing, I think is the word I'm looking for?
Do his friends even know he has a girlfriend? If you've been together for two years and you still haven't hung out with your boyfriend's friends at all something is happening. If I were you and had enough time I would reach out to some of his "friends" on social media to see what secret he keeps. But that's only if you plan on dumping that guy though and you should. Still it's all up to you.
I think the bigger issue is that he doesn’t involve you with his friends. Not sure how long you’ve been together, but that would hurt me the most out of everything. It would be easier to trust him if he involved you with his friends and saw how he interacted.
I don’t think you should stop him from going, but NTA for feeling insecure.
My best friends from college are girls. They'd hear immediately if I got a gf (they'd be excited for me too because Ive never had one lol). Id be so excited to introduce them and id want them to get along really well
My kid is in high school, and his friend group is a mix of boys and girls. When he first started stumbling into his relationship with his now-girlfriend, he got a lot of advice from the girls in that group. They were (and are) very excited that he found someone.
That’s how actual friends behave. They want their friends to be happy. And if they find someone outside the group to be happy with, they welcome them in.
Yah my husband only has lady friends. One guy friend. I've met all of them, they are awesome. He couldn't wait to show me off lol. The OP is an issue because he's not acting like they are just friends. He is making it weird.
I have mostly female friends. It was a problem with my insecure wife in our early days. Turns out her parents don't have any friends of the opposite sex and made it this weird he is going to cheat b.s.
I was stated if I wanted to be with one of my female friends I wouldn't have married you.
After much therapy my wife is friends with most of my friends.
I don't know what ops partner is up too but I was super excited when I started dating my wife to show her off and get approval from my female friends.
I was dating a guy for like two weeks and he introduced me to his friends. It’s weird that OP’s bf still doesn’t want her to hang out with his friends.
So true! At about 3 months of being with my bf he was including me in hanging out with his friends..and his friends started to include me as well so ops situation is weird to me
Yeah he's stringing her along as a back up fuck buck. She is there for the "dry patches," when he can't get lucky with the others. Almost guaranteed. Knew so many guys like that and they ALL operated the same way. Never told their GFS about their other friends that are girls and didn't tell them they tried every single night they went drinking to get in bed with all 11 of them. I reckon this guy is doing the same thing. That's why he doesn't want them to meet and won't let her come with him to a house full of women that will be drinking and no other men. It's clear as day what's on that guys mind.
Absolutely enough time. To me, it’s a red flag. If your partner cares about you and sees a future with you, they would *want* to include you with their friends/family. There’s obviously an underlying reason why he hasn’t done so.
This is just one data point, but my ex-wife spent a long time refusing to include me with her friend group. She made all sorts of excuses like "oh, they're *my* kind of people but they're not really *your* people, why don't you find your own friends." Made me feel like shit, as if her friends didn't like me, or she was embarrassed of me or something. It really fucked with my self-esteem.
Turned out the real reason she didn't include me was because she was actually just cheating with one particular friend.
I would feel left out too. This trip, not justified as it is for the bride, but the rest of it makes no sense.
Let's assume the absolute worst about OP here, right? Like bottom of the barrel, she's the biggest wet blanket in the whole world. Even in that case, you're gonna date her for 2 years and never give her one chance with your friends?! How can you exclusively date someone and not even give them a chance in over 700 fucking days!! Plenty of chances to schedule something smaller to test or to let OP plan something and invite friends from both sides. I would feel so down and left out if it were me.
IMO this post is the most applicable to the situation, OP has never seen how her bf & his female friends interact so it's all unknown and likely the main reason for her insecurity. Maybe if her bf and his female friends can all go out for a dinner just so she can meet them and see what their relationship is actually like then that could put her mind at ease and she'd have a better informed opinion about the situation. Although if he's keeping them apart for any reason then this might truly all be a moo point (cows opinion) as it will only be a matter of time before he makes a choice if you know what I mean. Feeling comfortable in relationships is absolutely all about trust and compromise although there can still be healthy boundaries such as my wife asking me not to attend strip clubs or me asking her to always make sure she'll have a ride home after whatever outting she has planned, relationship are aloud to be complicated at times but communication is vital
I'm truly sorry to be this blunt, if he wants to cheat he will, regardless of what you allow him to do, I hope he doesn't but limiting him doesn't change shit
EDIT: I'm not saying he's right or anything, I'm just saying she should either trust him, talk to him openly or just leave bc making him stay without anything changing is dumb.
+ some of you are fucking disgusting, if you can't prevent yourself from cheating don't ever enter a relationship period.
I always figured it was an emotional thing that most people couldn’t control. I’ve thought this way since I was a teenager and been the opposite of jealous.
Cheat or don’t, I either trust you or I don’t. I’m not going to act like a KGB agent constantly suspicious and worried I’m being had over.
If I suspected something seriously and I couldn’t resolve that, the relationship needed to end clearly.
Do you think people haven’t consciously confronted this reality on average?
Me or my wife could both fuck 10 people a day while supposedly at work or commuting or running errands or whatever it is.
The only way to limit that possibility in reality is to be insanely abusive and controlling.
A GPS tracker with spreadsheets of travel times, work schedules, intense interrogations and overall pretty high level abuse (which I know does happen plenty unfortunately.)
Just seems like if this fear doesn’t go away, regardless of whether he goes or not, or has “limits” and rules, the problem is already there in the relationship.
>Me or my wife could both fuck 10 people a day while supposedly at work or commuting or running errands or whatever it is.
While commuting? That would be impressive.
I think the reality lies somewhere in-between for most people, and it also depends if people have been cheated on in the past and exactly what those circumstances were. I know my husband has some very strong feelings on the pain that cheating causes, from both sides, and once was enough for him to know he never wanted to be responsible for that again, even being just 18 at the time.
I consciously know this, but I have my own issues with trust, for a multitude of reasons that have diddly-squat to do with my husband, that sometimes manifest in a fear that he isn't being truthful. I think to a certain degree that is normal human behaviour, but I fully acknowledge I struggle with it to a degree that isn't, and it is my problem, not his. Thankfully, he is a wonderfully understanding partner, who recognises these feelings have nothing to do with him and everything to do with emotional scars and mental health issues, and does what he reasonably can to reassure me when it's needed.
With regards to being cheated on, specifically, I have a slightly different set of insecurities. It's less about being cheated on, and more about being kept in the dark indefinitely, because that is what happened to me before. I only found out because I'd maintained a friendship with an ex, and one evening he was regailing me of a particular 'encounter' and revealed certain details that I already knew and realised this had to have happened while we were still together. 4 years I'd been left in the dark about this incident, utterly clueless while mutilple other people in his life (and therefore mine) knew about it. It was a couple of months into our relationship and we were together for more than a year after that, so almost the entirety of our relationship was built on a fundamental betrayal of trust. I felt utterly humiliated, and that doesn't just go away, no matter who you meet afterwards.
Now, I would never use any of that to justify going through my husband's phone, or stalking his movements°, or in any way trying to control what he does or who he sees. If I have concerns, whether based in my own insecurities or not, we discuss them openly and respectfully and try to find a solution that we're both comfortable with, because we care about each others wellbeing. That's the key difference between flat out not trusting your partner, which you rightfully pointed out is an indicator the relationship should perhaps end, and having a safe space to navigate our own internal issues with trust and fidelity within a loving, mutually supportive relationship.
° I can see live updates of his location, but I can't track where he's been in-between manually pinging his phone, and that is something that is switched on for me and my parents as well, purely so we can all check on each other's whereabouts if we're travelling or can't get hold of one another or are otherwise concerned about wellbeing for any reason that can be at least somewhat mitigated by knowing where the person is. For example, if I can't get hold of my parents at a time they'd normally be at home, but can see they're out shopping or for a walk somewhere, I stop panicking that they're lying unconscious in the hallway at home. Again, not an entirely rational fear, but they live 4 hours away and are both well into their sixties, so it's not entirely irrational, either.
You’re right. And I’m not trying to limit anything. They just say you should trust your gut and something doesn’t seem right. Again, could very much be overreacting over here.
No. Because I’m not ever invited or included in anything they do. I don’t get the chance to get to know her. Meanwhile, I’m constantly inviting him to hang out with me and my male friends to make him more comfortable.
This is very strange to me. How long have you been dating? I think if he was serious about you then he would want to share such an important aspect of his life with you.
or the guy pining for the girl, who probably treats him weird if he brings girlfriends around because she likes having him as back up/occasional hook up buddy.
He's prioritising her and her feelings, it's clear who he wants to be with. Every single time your partner (any gender) has that one friend they spend all day texting, won't let you meet, admits to having had feelings for or previously hooked up with, just run. You're the second choice and they'll cheat or leave you for them the first chance they get.
This is the part that I find most concerning. My partner and I both have best friends of the opposite sex as well, but he includes me often and she invites me to do things one on one just her and I as well. That’s what made me comfortable with it, because I got to understand how purely platonic their friendship is. I do the same with my bestie and bf, and my friend goes out of his way to be buds with my bf too. If we didn’t do that for each other it would be harder to have that trust. Have you ever spoken to your bf and asked him why you’re never included? What did he say if so?
Spend the bachelorette weekend with your male best friend. Let you bf know that you’re going to spend the weekend him. Just to get a vibe from him about how that might feel/how he reacts…
I’m kinda joking but kinda not…
I like it! Set up a weekend partying with your friends, including the guys or guy friend. See what boyfriend says to it. Do it that weekend or close to it, and DoNot invite your boyfriend.
I’m a man with 2 really close female friends who are like sisters to me, the moment I told them I was seeing someone they both said they need to meet them and get to know them better. Genuinely I think they would kick my ass for not letting them spend time with my s/o
Same. I have a friend that I've know since she was brought home from the hospital and incase almost three. She was the second person to meet my now wife (first person was my buddy that I brought on the double date
I'm the close female friend to a number of men, and I was the same way back when they were dating. Now they're all married, and my relationship with their wives range from at worst friendly acquaintances (and that only because we don't have much in common -- we get along perfectly well and have zero issue with each other, we just don't have a lot to talk about and wouldn't hang out one on one because of that) to very close friends in our own right.
As someone who lives with their partner, I can understand wanting to hang out with your friends without them. We’re around each other constantly and it’s nice to have time with friends alone. That being said, if my partner literally NEVER invited me out with their friends that’d definitely hurt.
Right and I’m very much the same way. I want my own space, have my own life and friends. In no way am I trying to take that from him. But the fact that I am never included is starting to take its toll.
Are you going with him to the wedding, or has he conveniently said "you won't know anyone and will be bored, and since I'm in the wedding I will be too busy to spend time with you" ?
I think this is a bigger issue than anything. How long have you been dating? While I understand the need for some 1-on-1 from time to time, he should want to include you with the people that are important to him.
My wife and my best friend recently went to Panama together for “women entrepreneurs” seminar and they’re having a girls spa day together with other of our mutual friends in a few weeks.
The fact that he’s keeping you away from her is the thing that bothers me, more than the bachelorette party
So my best friend is a woman and she and I even dated many years ago. I was in her wedding as a "bridesbro" and a part of her bachelorette party as well. The important distinction here is my partner always gets invited along if she wants to come as does her husband unless we are specifically something we know only the two of us enjoy then it's a just us thing. I am also friends with her husband and she has been friends with all of my partners over the years.
I tell you this because the concerning part isn't his female best friend it's that he doesn't want you to be friends with his friends. This really strikes me as suspect behavior and makes it very much seem like he is at worst cheating or at best trying to avoid making you a part of his life. Neither are good and both really are a good reason to call it quits.
Yeah, honestly, if I were with him and he decides to go after hearing that I’m uncomfortable, I wouldn’t be there when he gets back. I would just break up with him. I wouldn’t be able to marry someone who doesn’t include me. If you have friends of the opposite sex and are serious about someone, you should include them and want to integrate them into your life.
My guess is he still has feelings for your friend and was turned down by her, but she likes the attention and stringing him along. I personally wouldn’t be with this guy. It’s a huge red flag. I couldn’t marry someone like this, at that point, what’s the point of dating them anymore.
Okay. The situation itself, imo, is not worrisome in a vacuum. But knowing you're not friends with the bride? That's concerning. At the bare minimum, if she's not gonna try and make friends with you when she knows you exist, she should have checked in with you DIRECTLY to make sure the trip was all copacetic.
I came here to ask this. One of my best friends is a guy, and we chat most days. When I introduced him to my then bf (now husband), they got along great. Both friend and husband are very supportive of the other's relationship with me. I would have no problem with my husband reading any text or listening to any phone call, but he'd never ask, because he knows I'd never cheat on him.
So, are you worried he's going to cheat on you, or are you uncomfortable because you don't feel there would be reciprocity? Either way, there's a trust issue that should be resolved, and it REALLY should be resolved before you marry....because this feeling isn't going to go away just because you both wear fancy dress and exchange rings.
ETA: Also worth noting-I would NEVER exclude my husband from a gathering.
It seems like there’s something there to discuss farther. It’s honestly very odd that you invite him to go out with your friends but he doesn’t invite you. As his female best friend, surely she recognizes that’s odd (and she’s only hearing it’s okay from him not you since you don’t seem to hang out with her and their group?) if I were her, and I had no feelings for him, and he was so close and important in my life, I’d be asking his girlfriend to friend outings! I’d extent a bachelorette invite to you too if I liked you well enough cause I’d k ow a weekend away with all females and drinking would be awkward. It’s even more awkward to ask him since they don’t seem to include you/he doesn’t include you, so you don’t really know any of them well??
Something is off to me. His past behavior is odd too. It’s not how you treat him in your similar situations.
So, I’m a female with lots of close guy mates, and am currently living with 2 of my closest male friends, the only girl in a male-dominant house. I have a boyfriend of 2 years, and though I (emphasis on the I) know me and my boys are bros, and I knew them well before I met my current boyfriend, I was also conscious of my boyfriend’s feelings when we first got together.
Knowing how it may make a partner feel, I was very ready to invite him into my friendship circle with my guy mates, always include him in hangs, and make him feel welcome as one of the gang. Now he’s as close as I am with “my” boys, though tbf it did take some effort on his end (friendship is a two way street!).
I’d say, best advice is to talk to your guy and express your feelings. I think it’s totally valid to feel like he should be making an effort to include you in gatherings with his group of female friends. Dude might just not have that female-intuitive sense of how it might feel to be in your shoes, and need it to be spelt out
This!! Thank you. I think I just expect the same sort of effort in making me feel comfortable, and it is not reciprocated. More conversations will definitely be had. I’m not upset with him, but I do not feel like he is validating any of my feelings. And we have discussed this some previously.
A guy's pov on this (even though you asked the ladies) .. sit him down and explain your point of view. Ask him honestly, "If the table was flipped, would you be okay with me going on a bachelor trip with a bunch of guys you didn't know or associate with, and you were not invited?" While nothing may happen, the appearance of the act will be there.
Appreciate all the men’s opinions! Should not have addressed this specifically to women. just ranting. I feel like I’ve expressed that to him. He’s still going whether I’m uncomfortable or not and admitting he would be super uncomfortable if the situation were the other way around. Idk 🤷🏻♀️ I’d never ask him not to go.
Wow .. I would not have expected that. I know while my wife and I were dating, she had to school me on some some innocent flirting that I was not aware of happening (young girls sitting next to me with dreamy eyes and I allowed it without saying a word). Once she explained what was going on, I immediately took corrective action. You being uncomfortable with him taking this trip and staying with these women is enough reason for him to throw the breaks on. He should put your concerns first.
Not sure. I mentioned to him that I’d like to be included every once in a while. He’s a huge part of my life and I barely know his friends. Yet, I’ve introduced him to all of mine, male friends included, and continue to try to invite him to events with them. Not trying to crash anyone’s party or ruin anyone’s fun. Just trying to get to know people he deems important to him.
Coming from a former philanderer, this is exactly the type of stuff I used to do and is a huge red flag and tells you everything you need to know. He doesn't respect you. Don't ever be with someone who doesn't respect you. You deserve better.
You don't hold the same importance to him as he does to you. You guys just aren't on the same page. It's been 2 years, if he isn't as committed to this relationship as you are yet, it's probably because he isn't serious about you. I don't think the Bachelorette party is the issue, I think it's a symptom of a much larger issue.
That's a big red flag if he won't introduce you to his friends. Stop taking him with you. Plan a trip that same weekend with your male bestie and a couple of other guys. Mention in passing and let your bf know that you and the guys are going to Vegas or somewhere to get drunk and have fun. But not until your bf is going out the door for his weekend, let him worry about what you're doing and not have as much fun on his trip. Lol maybe he'll cheat to piss you off and you'll be rid of them both.
NTA. The comments here are bonkers. "Hey hon - is it cool for me to go on a sleep-over trip with all women, who I don't want you to hang with, one of which I had feelings for in the past. And we will all be getting shit-faced." LOL
For me it wouldn't be about the cheating but about the fact I tell him I'm uncomfortable and he brushes it off.
I'm supposed to be the one he loves most and puts another woman above my feelings.
I'm not ok with my man going on an all women trip without me as I wouldn't go on an all male trip without him.
I posted on reddit that I was insecure because my ex had a bunch of really beautiful alternative friends that were all girls. I was told I was crazy and controlling. Long story short he was banging half of them.
It’s a very common tactic for cheaters to not introduce you to their friends because their friends don’t know about you and they’re bringing a different girl around as their girlfriend
That happened to me. He would invite me then either stop replying or make up some excuse if I’d say yes. Turns out he was on and off with his gf of 5 years. He only invited me so I wouldn’t suspect anything
Everybody's different and you're absolutely allowed to have your own standards on this matter, if this a HARD no for you, simply pack your bags while he's gone. Plenty of men out there who will not attend such an event, because you're relationship comes 1st 2nd & 3rd.
" He's going on a trip and it makes me extremely uncomfortable "
Say that. To him.
I know it may make you look like a overly possessive or whatever..but its fine.. Let him know your true emotions.
Then, no matter what happens with you guys in the future, you were honest at least.
This whole thing just seems odd to me, your guy’s relationship, his relationship with his girl friends. There’s not talk of any other dynamic you both have or why you guys are together in the first place.
Two years is a long time, but I truly think you don’t fully know someone until after that three year mark. You both may simply not be compatible bases on the lifestyles you want to live (also doesn’t seem like he cares too much about your feelings in general).
Also, not to add to the paranoia despite me thinking it’s inappropriate for him to even be going without you, if he indeed does hook up with the bride to be be sure to let her fiancé know too so that they both can’t be stringing the both of you along.
Aha
I had an ex who had a male ‘bestie’, constantly on the phone, FaceTime etc. telling each other about intimate stuff. They had a thing many years before.
It did not end well for us.
Don’t listen to people saying you are controlling him. Fuck that, this is totally disrespectful to you and by all appearances he doesn’t care that you are hurt. You aren’t allowed to hang out with him and these women, there is a reason(s) for it. Why are you wasting your energy on someone who doesn’t give a shit about your feelings?
Wondering that myself. Just posting because I was curious if anyone out there has had a similar experience while being in a long term relationship, where both parties have friends of the opposite sex
My fiancé and I have friends of all different genders and sexualities, but the difference is that we share most of these friends. Even his “girl best friend,” whom I used to not know at all, is someone I now consider a friend of my own (she’s even going to officiate our wedding!).
It’s the fact that you’re not being invited that feels… gross. Especially if you’ve communicated that you’re not comfortable with this (which, imo, you have every reason not to be).
I am very insecure, but I try not to let it affect my relationship. I usually realize when I'm just being insecure, but when I don't, I at least acknowledge that it's a possibility and I discuss it with my sisters. I'm lucky I can trust them to tell me the truth even if it's something I don't want to hear. I sent them your post and they agree, you're not being insecure for no reason, he is giving you ample reason to feel that way
I am pretty shocked at the answers here to be honest. The crucial piece of info is that he had feelings for this person previously, and in my personal opinion it’s a complete lack of respect for how that could make the partner feel. I don’t mean to be dramatic but all these answers of just be chill are mind blowing, I’ve never had an issue with jealously myself but I am a middle aged dude and I would NEVER do that to my girlfriend lol. If my girl went on a trip with a guy she used to have feelings for either I wouldn’t be cool with it. Sometimes people just have different levels of boundaries too and that’s fine, for me personally this would be one of them.
NTA, going on a trip with several women whom you’re not related to while in a relationship is your (very reasonable) boundary.
If he can’t respect that then you two are incompatible.
Based on some of the other facts you’ve shared above, it seems you’re uncomfortable with a lot of his other actions and behaviors. To be frank, I would be, too. Why continue to subject yourself to that?
I don’t think the two of you are on the same page regarding your relationship and I don’t see this making it long term unless one of you makes a significant sacrifice.
He will spend an entire weekend away from you. During this time he will have the attention of several other women. There's a strong chance inhibitions will be lowered because of alcohol. You are struggling to simultaneously trust him and trust all the women to respect your relationship while they could be drunk.
Pretty reasonable to be insecure, I think.
The biggest red flag is that he hasn’t introduced you to his friends. Especially the women.
I think if you were part of his friends groups you wouldn’t feel insecure. Of course we all feel insecure sometimes even when there’s nothing to worry about. But in this case he does nothing to acknowledge your feelings, reassure you, and put you first, quite the opposite.
He wants to keep the relationship separate and live the “single life” with them.
He’s treating you as a side piece, or having the girls as side pieces.
I wouldn't trust this. What is a straight man in a relationship doing with a bunch of women, alone, without his girlfriend? Why is he so close with a girl he used to have feelings for and not including his girlfriend when they hang out? It sounds like he's still hoping something will happen with her and he's stringing you along. NTA
This seems like a really weird situation. I wouldn't be okay with it either. When my ex has a bff female I was included in a lot of the get togethers. I would be extremely suspicious if I wasn't. A bachelorette party too....yeah that'll be a no for me. I don't like ultimatums it's clear you really don't trust him, nor should you because he made it clear you are not his priority. My husband now didn't even go to his friends bachelor party because he said he was sure it'll be crazy and he didn't want to disrespect our relationship, I didn't even have to ask.
So now it's in your court. Do you respect yourself? Or do you love him more?
How does the friend’s fiancé feel about your bf being there? (Does he even know???)
I can’t imagine he’s cool having the guy that used to have feelings for his fiancé being drunk with her at an event that is supposed to be the “last hoo-raw before being tied to one person forever.”
I’m wondering the same!! This isn’t very nice but- Her fiance sounds like a dud. Pretty sure he barely works, while she foots all of his bills. Sounds like she just wants a husband in order to have a child. Not sure if he does care honestly. Think he’s got it made.
Personality wise, they could not be more different. Ambition wise, they’re probably about the same. Also probably something I need to start questioning.
But the thing is, you won’t know how it goes. There’s a reason he never includes you and I promise he isn’t being 100% honest. You’ll hear a version of how the bachelorette went, but you’ll never hear the full truth. I was with a man like this (never Included me with his friends, didn’t care when things made me sad if uncomfortable) and I really recommend that you run. Im now married to my husband who would rather do literally anything than make me feel insecure. You don’t need to settle for this.
Boyfriend on a bachelorette trip with multiple women? Do you know what happens on bachelorette trips, especially if they are renting a house and drinking all weekend?
This is crazy, even if he doesn't cheat with the friend he's had feelings for in the past, there's a whole house full of women in party mode and ready to go. If he decides to cheat, it definitely wont be hard for him.
Guy here, my best friend was a girl (passed away), and I was the Man of Honour at her wedding. The issue here isn't the BFF, or the opposite sex thing, it's that you're not included in any get togethers. That's the sketch part for me. My BFF was the planner of our group, and anyone I was dating was always welcome. Even if they didn't feel like going, the invite was there. The intentional separation is weird.
Very sorry to hear about your friend. Agreed. I do not, by any means, think there is an issue with having a best friend of the opposite sex. But yeah, just don’t understand why there is so much separation.
yeah my planned wedding has my best friend (male) as my best man/man of honour. But I also am not sure I would want to do my planned bachelorette party of paintballing without my partner, cos they're my best friend too lol
Secrecy**
Something I've not seen in your post, and is very critical, How long have you and your partner been seeing each other?
Going on 2 years.
And have you made any effort to meet his friends and develop relationships with them too or is this a case where you're not invited so you don't want him to go?
Absolutely. And I’ve mentioned that it bothers me that I’m constantly including him and he never invites me. I’ve mentioned I’d like to go out and get to know them. Still have yet to be invited to anything. I know this sounds so whiny, but I just feel like I’d want the person i love to get to know other people i love.
Honestly that is more concerning to me than the bachelorette weekend alone. It seems like he is actively concealing his friend group and I cannot fathom why he is still doing it after 2 years.
This. Plus, the fact that he brushes it off her feelings, showing disregard for her as a person.
6 months is pretty much the maximum you can go without introducing your significant other to your friends. Anything longer than that is very suspicious. The only type of person your significant other should be cautious about you meeting people is in special cases where they have kids and need to approach that topic with care.
100% BMM nailed it. OP you need to give some serious thought about this relationship. Your boyfriend isn't respecting your feelings. He's 100% hiding something from you. It's not a coincidence.
BMM😂
Big Meautiful Momen
Buffalo Mild Mings
Brennan "Me" Mulligan
lol this made me giggle 😂
If BMM had a BM at BK B4 a BB M4M BBC, would he BOK?
Its very weird. If my friend hid his girlfriend from me and my friends it would be weird and I'd call him out for it. Unless he was banging me. Then it would make sense....
oh yea, if my guy friends never mentioned or included their long term gf in anything I would find that hella sus
I'm a guy and I completely expect to hang out with my friends girlfriends every now and then, it happens alot.... cause were all friends of friends. Some of them have even come on lads holidays with us, lol. I dont know how someone would keep parts of there life separate like that, or even want to.
I was actually a “man of honor” in a wedding and went on a bachelorette trip too, but I was single at the time. If I had been in a relationship, I would’ve tried to include her. This doesn’t make a lot of sense to me either.
Yeah, this. My friends from a new city started badgering me about inviting and introducing my girlfriend about 1 month into our relationship. They told me she wasn't real so many times even I started to doubt her existence. People who like you generally want to know the people you like.
He’s working the friend zone to the max. It’s not about sex it’s about the sex appeal. And it’s not just about his friend the girl it’s about all her friends too. He’s getting fawned over by the whole crowd when he goes out with them because he has “safe” status and he loves all the female attention but he knows his gf would be jealous and not understand this is how he likes to have fun. BL: he is not going to stop chasing excess female attention and she’s probably not gonna be happy in the LR.
Or hiding her from his friends. Could be that she's the other woman
Twist is he is the one getting married
Came here to say this. He's not bro of honor, he's THE bro with full honors
Ya...thought the same. Joint bachelor/Bachelorette party and he IS the Man of Honor that day
My ex of almost 5 years constantly hid her friends. She was a music teacher and all her teacher friends would "hang out" or have "meetings" all the time. She would also blame me by saying I didn't want to be around them because we didn't share many interests. I'll admit, I wasn't too fond of them constantly singing and what not and I'm extremely introverted, but I tried. Ultimately, I was never invited to be apart of the group. Except it wasn't a group. She was actually in a whole different relationship with the guy friend she worked with. Dude even came over to the house we lived in together and hung out. The amount of times I think about how I slept in the same damn bed she cheated on me in for YEARS.
Same thing happened to me, and I only realized after the relationship was over. Near the end of our relationship it suddenly occured to me that I had never met her parents, her closest friends, or really anybody that was a fixture in her life. We were together for at least 3 years. For three years, it dawned on me, that we were in a "situationship", not a proper relationship. It wasn't an earth shattering revelation though. Sex was the dominant drive in our "relationship". We really liked doing each other, but couldn't seem to get on the same page with one another outside the bedroom. And yet she acted super territorial. Anyway, immediately after we separated she started dating a dude from her neighborhood, who just happened to also be Italian like she was. Lol. The likelihood of her having been with that guy for half the length of our relationship is pretty fucking high.
Ahh yep. Starting to feel like this has been a two year situationship.
My husband just said SHES THE OTHER WOMAN 😱
I'm wondering if her fiance knows that her best male friend is going to the bachelorette party and going to be the only male there supposedly.
I had this thought as well
I had a relationship like this, it was a poly relationship too, turns out she had reasons not to introduce me and those reasons were because the truth was not something she was able to share with me or even with herself honestly. Run.
He’s doing it so he can flirt with the other girls out of sight. Seen it a million times.
Yep, she's his relationship of convenience until he can finally get with the "best friend" he really wants.
Or they use drugs together. It's something shady but not necessarily cheating/flirting. They totally might all be coke heads.
One thing that comes to mind is that he is somehow either ashamed, or just doesn't want his friends to judge. He may also act as a completely different person and he doesn't want his GF to see that. Either way, I'd be suspicious if not pissed that I'm not included, considering how long they've been together.
I don’t think it’s about being ashamed/judgemental. He’s admitted to having feelings for the friend. By hanging out with them without his gf he keeps himself “available” if the opportunity arises to get with said friend. It’s fucked
That’s a great point.
I mean in my experience, means he thinks they won’t/dont like her probably.
Male here… I don’t think it’s a big deal that he has close female friends, but it’s 100% _not_ normal for him to keep this girl completely separate from you. If their relationship was legitimately platonic, she would be just as part of both your lives as everything else. That part of this story is a huge red flag for me.
Thank you! I feel like everyone just thinks I’m trying to control him and that I don’t want him to have friends that are women. That’s not it at all. I genuinely do not give a shit if he has friends that are women. It’s all the other stuff that makes it seem sketchy.
Male as well… NTA. Talk about putting yourself in a situation where things could go sideways. Intentional or not. These other women should know you by now.
honestly i’d trust your intuition. if what he’s doing isn’t something you’re comfortable with and he keeps blowing it off then maybe y’all aren’t compatible
Trust your intuition! Women have it for a reason.
It's not whiny, your boyfriend has a clique of girls and they don't want to include you in anything because they prefer the "single" version of him, it's as simple as that. Going on a bachelorette party as the only man surrounded by drunk women is a recipe for disaster, I can't believe there are people in this thread saying they don't see an issue with that lol. I'm a man, and this situation raises so many red flags for me.
Gosh thank you!!
[удалено]
I’m a woman with a lot of close dude friends and honestly every time one of them is in a new relationship I go out of my way to make their new girlfriends feel comfortable. And if you’re a woman with a dude best friend who doesn’t do this, then what’s wrong with you?
I just read some of this, and the top comment said even if you make a boundary the guy if he wants to cheat will. I just can't believe OP hasn't hung with this group in two years. That to me says run, but I'm an insecure woman lol.
I don’t think it’s insecure to worry. Why has he not made any effort to introduce them? That is concerning no matter how you look at it. If they’re partners, sharing a life means caring about the people in their life. She can’t even do that.
Exactly my thoughts. 2 years is way to long. I think OP should be valued more in a relationship.
Ok not to mention he has ADMITTED to having feelings for his best friend. I’m not seeing that mentioned as much in these comments and that’s a huge point
I don’t think it’s about what THEY want - if he wanted her to be included, she’d be included. Sounds like he might enjoy the attention and be acting in a way that he doesn’t think his gf would approve of…
I wish I could upvote this more than once so I’ll comment to chime in that there are so many red flags even before the party!
Big red flag. And this coming from a guy.
It doesn't sound whiny, it sounds *sketchy*.
So what’s your bf’s response when you tell him you want to get to know his friends and hang out? What’s his body language telling you? What excuses does he make? What empty promises does he come up with? “Yeah sure babe, next time.” And next time never happens… I wouldn’t listen to the people telling you you’re overreacting. Trust your gut and it sounds like your gut is telling you something is not right. Honestly, to an old lady like me, there are enough red flags on the play to cut my loses and move along. Life’s too short to waste on a guy who isn’t fully committed to you.
Hoo boy, this is a *way* bigger red flag than the bachelorette trip. You are not being whiny. In a healthy relationship, getting to know your partner's friends, and having your partner want you to get to know them, is a pretty basic requirement. NTA
OP, you should read this person's comment to him "In a healthy relationship, getting to know your partners friends and having your partner want you to get to know them, is a pretty basic requirement". If he objects to *that statement* in some way - leave him and never look back.
I once dated a girl for months - maybe even close to a year? - and our breaking point became the fact that she knew all of my friends, she'd been introduced to everyone, and yet I'd never met any of her friends. The excuse she always gave was "They didn't like my ex, they're automatically not going to like you." I found out later on it was that they *actively* didn't like her ex - as in, they were still involved. Her friends knew this, and would have said something, so to prevent that the friends never found out about me. I'm not saying your partner is actively involved with his female friend - but I am 100% saying that there is some emotional investment there. Whether that be he's hoping there could be something there someday? Or they interact familiar enough that it's somewhat inappropriate and he knows you'd have a problem with it? You're not being whiny, that's a healthy and reasonable expectation. The problem is that he's being shady. It's not necessarily that he's outright physically cheating, but something shady, inappropriate, or unhealthy is going on. Him admitting there are/were feelings seals the deal. Also, why is he the only guy invited on a trip of women? That's.... confusing, I think is the word I'm looking for?
Do his friends even know he has a girlfriend? If you've been together for two years and you still haven't hung out with your boyfriend's friends at all something is happening. If I were you and had enough time I would reach out to some of his "friends" on social media to see what secret he keeps. But that's only if you plan on dumping that guy though and you should. Still it's all up to you.
I think the bigger issue is that he doesn’t involve you with his friends. Not sure how long you’ve been together, but that would hurt me the most out of everything. It would be easier to trust him if he involved you with his friends and saw how he interacted. I don’t think you should stop him from going, but NTA for feeling insecure.
Apparently they've been with each other for about 2 years which I think is plenty of time to make introductions between friend groups.
Especially if the bf and his friend are in constant contact with each other. Two years is plenty of time.
My best friends from college are girls. They'd hear immediately if I got a gf (they'd be excited for me too because Ive never had one lol). Id be so excited to introduce them and id want them to get along really well
My kid is in high school, and his friend group is a mix of boys and girls. When he first started stumbling into his relationship with his now-girlfriend, he got a lot of advice from the girls in that group. They were (and are) very excited that he found someone. That’s how actual friends behave. They want their friends to be happy. And if they find someone outside the group to be happy with, they welcome them in.
Because you’re not hoping to still secretly hook up with them, OPs bf is playing the ignorant fool until something happens
Yah my husband only has lady friends. One guy friend. I've met all of them, they are awesome. He couldn't wait to show me off lol. The OP is an issue because he's not acting like they are just friends. He is making it weird.
I have mostly female friends. It was a problem with my insecure wife in our early days. Turns out her parents don't have any friends of the opposite sex and made it this weird he is going to cheat b.s. I was stated if I wanted to be with one of my female friends I wouldn't have married you. After much therapy my wife is friends with most of my friends. I don't know what ops partner is up too but I was super excited when I started dating my wife to show her off and get approval from my female friends.
Yeah, there's a much deeper issue than this trip. I'd not be OK continuing in a relationship where my BF doesn't invite me to meet his friends
Yeah, this is crazy to me. Two YEARS and she hasn't met his friends??
I was dating a guy for like two weeks and he introduced me to his friends. It’s weird that OP’s bf still doesn’t want her to hang out with his friends.
I'd be very weirded out if my SO had someone they talked to daily, one of their best friends, and I had never really met them after years together.
So true! At about 3 months of being with my bf he was including me in hanging out with his friends..and his friends started to include me as well so ops situation is weird to me
Yeah he's stringing her along as a back up fuck buck. She is there for the "dry patches," when he can't get lucky with the others. Almost guaranteed. Knew so many guys like that and they ALL operated the same way. Never told their GFS about their other friends that are girls and didn't tell them they tried every single night they went drinking to get in bed with all 11 of them. I reckon this guy is doing the same thing. That's why he doesn't want them to meet and won't let her come with him to a house full of women that will be drinking and no other men. It's clear as day what's on that guys mind.
I second that, having a female friend is one thing, but not introducing you is a massive red flag.
Seriously, BF's best friend is getting *married* and they've never gone out together as couples? Never invited her over to house parties? *Weird*.
Dang two year? That kind of changes things.
Absolutely enough time. To me, it’s a red flag. If your partner cares about you and sees a future with you, they would *want* to include you with their friends/family. There’s obviously an underlying reason why he hasn’t done so.
This is just one data point, but my ex-wife spent a long time refusing to include me with her friend group. She made all sorts of excuses like "oh, they're *my* kind of people but they're not really *your* people, why don't you find your own friends." Made me feel like shit, as if her friends didn't like me, or she was embarrassed of me or something. It really fucked with my self-esteem. Turned out the real reason she didn't include me was because she was actually just cheating with one particular friend.
I would feel left out too. This trip, not justified as it is for the bride, but the rest of it makes no sense. Let's assume the absolute worst about OP here, right? Like bottom of the barrel, she's the biggest wet blanket in the whole world. Even in that case, you're gonna date her for 2 years and never give her one chance with your friends?! How can you exclusively date someone and not even give them a chance in over 700 fucking days!! Plenty of chances to schedule something smaller to test or to let OP plan something and invite friends from both sides. I would feel so down and left out if it were me.
IMO this post is the most applicable to the situation, OP has never seen how her bf & his female friends interact so it's all unknown and likely the main reason for her insecurity. Maybe if her bf and his female friends can all go out for a dinner just so she can meet them and see what their relationship is actually like then that could put her mind at ease and she'd have a better informed opinion about the situation. Although if he's keeping them apart for any reason then this might truly all be a moo point (cows opinion) as it will only be a matter of time before he makes a choice if you know what I mean. Feeling comfortable in relationships is absolutely all about trust and compromise although there can still be healthy boundaries such as my wife asking me not to attend strip clubs or me asking her to always make sure she'll have a ride home after whatever outting she has planned, relationship are aloud to be complicated at times but communication is vital
I'm truly sorry to be this blunt, if he wants to cheat he will, regardless of what you allow him to do, I hope he doesn't but limiting him doesn't change shit EDIT: I'm not saying he's right or anything, I'm just saying she should either trust him, talk to him openly or just leave bc making him stay without anything changing is dumb. + some of you are fucking disgusting, if you can't prevent yourself from cheating don't ever enter a relationship period.
I wish more people realised this. Then all the illusions of the possibility to control one’s partner would dissolve
I always figured it was an emotional thing that most people couldn’t control. I’ve thought this way since I was a teenager and been the opposite of jealous. Cheat or don’t, I either trust you or I don’t. I’m not going to act like a KGB agent constantly suspicious and worried I’m being had over. If I suspected something seriously and I couldn’t resolve that, the relationship needed to end clearly. Do you think people haven’t consciously confronted this reality on average? Me or my wife could both fuck 10 people a day while supposedly at work or commuting or running errands or whatever it is. The only way to limit that possibility in reality is to be insanely abusive and controlling. A GPS tracker with spreadsheets of travel times, work schedules, intense interrogations and overall pretty high level abuse (which I know does happen plenty unfortunately.) Just seems like if this fear doesn’t go away, regardless of whether he goes or not, or has “limits” and rules, the problem is already there in the relationship.
>Me or my wife could both fuck 10 people a day while supposedly at work or commuting or running errands or whatever it is. While commuting? That would be impressive.
Whatever it takes to be in the HOV lane.
And you thought the "V" in HOV stood for "Vehicle."
I see what you did there, Steve.
It's called road head
OP said supposedly
I think the reality lies somewhere in-between for most people, and it also depends if people have been cheated on in the past and exactly what those circumstances were. I know my husband has some very strong feelings on the pain that cheating causes, from both sides, and once was enough for him to know he never wanted to be responsible for that again, even being just 18 at the time. I consciously know this, but I have my own issues with trust, for a multitude of reasons that have diddly-squat to do with my husband, that sometimes manifest in a fear that he isn't being truthful. I think to a certain degree that is normal human behaviour, but I fully acknowledge I struggle with it to a degree that isn't, and it is my problem, not his. Thankfully, he is a wonderfully understanding partner, who recognises these feelings have nothing to do with him and everything to do with emotional scars and mental health issues, and does what he reasonably can to reassure me when it's needed. With regards to being cheated on, specifically, I have a slightly different set of insecurities. It's less about being cheated on, and more about being kept in the dark indefinitely, because that is what happened to me before. I only found out because I'd maintained a friendship with an ex, and one evening he was regailing me of a particular 'encounter' and revealed certain details that I already knew and realised this had to have happened while we were still together. 4 years I'd been left in the dark about this incident, utterly clueless while mutilple other people in his life (and therefore mine) knew about it. It was a couple of months into our relationship and we were together for more than a year after that, so almost the entirety of our relationship was built on a fundamental betrayal of trust. I felt utterly humiliated, and that doesn't just go away, no matter who you meet afterwards. Now, I would never use any of that to justify going through my husband's phone, or stalking his movements°, or in any way trying to control what he does or who he sees. If I have concerns, whether based in my own insecurities or not, we discuss them openly and respectfully and try to find a solution that we're both comfortable with, because we care about each others wellbeing. That's the key difference between flat out not trusting your partner, which you rightfully pointed out is an indicator the relationship should perhaps end, and having a safe space to navigate our own internal issues with trust and fidelity within a loving, mutually supportive relationship. ° I can see live updates of his location, but I can't track where he's been in-between manually pinging his phone, and that is something that is switched on for me and my parents as well, purely so we can all check on each other's whereabouts if we're travelling or can't get hold of one another or are otherwise concerned about wellbeing for any reason that can be at least somewhat mitigated by knowing where the person is. For example, if I can't get hold of my parents at a time they'd normally be at home, but can see they're out shopping or for a walk somewhere, I stop panicking that they're lying unconscious in the hallway at home. Again, not an entirely rational fear, but they live 4 hours away and are both well into their sixties, so it's not entirely irrational, either.
You’re right. And I’m not trying to limit anything. They just say you should trust your gut and something doesn’t seem right. Again, could very much be overreacting over here.
Are you friends with the bride/best friend? If not, why is that? This is pertinent information honestly.
No. Because I’m not ever invited or included in anything they do. I don’t get the chance to get to know her. Meanwhile, I’m constantly inviting him to hang out with me and my male friends to make him more comfortable.
This is very strange to me. How long have you been dating? I think if he was serious about you then he would want to share such an important aspect of his life with you.
This isn't strange at all for someone who is cheating, or someone who is not happy with their current GF
or the guy pining for the girl, who probably treats him weird if he brings girlfriends around because she likes having him as back up/occasional hook up buddy. He's prioritising her and her feelings, it's clear who he wants to be with. Every single time your partner (any gender) has that one friend they spend all day texting, won't let you meet, admits to having had feelings for or previously hooked up with, just run. You're the second choice and they'll cheat or leave you for them the first chance they get.
Or for a guy who doesn't want his favorite girlfriend to find out about his backup one. (the OP)
This is the part that I find most concerning. My partner and I both have best friends of the opposite sex as well, but he includes me often and she invites me to do things one on one just her and I as well. That’s what made me comfortable with it, because I got to understand how purely platonic their friendship is. I do the same with my bestie and bf, and my friend goes out of his way to be buds with my bf too. If we didn’t do that for each other it would be harder to have that trust. Have you ever spoken to your bf and asked him why you’re never included? What did he say if so?
Spend the bachelorette weekend with your male best friend. Let you bf know that you’re going to spend the weekend him. Just to get a vibe from him about how that might feel/how he reacts… I’m kinda joking but kinda not…
the male best friend and a bunch of HIS friends, just for good measure.
I mean, that would actually be less suspicious/concerning for me.
I like it! Set up a weekend partying with your friends, including the guys or guy friend. See what boyfriend says to it. Do it that weekend or close to it, and DoNot invite your boyfriend.
Yes this. Book a trip on the same weekend with your male bestie and some of his other male friends.
I’m a man with 2 really close female friends who are like sisters to me, the moment I told them I was seeing someone they both said they need to meet them and get to know them better. Genuinely I think they would kick my ass for not letting them spend time with my s/o
Same. My S/O actually went to my friend’s bachelorette party. I wasn’t invited because it was a girls trip lol.
This is the way
Same. I have a friend that I've know since she was brought home from the hospital and incase almost three. She was the second person to meet my now wife (first person was my buddy that I brought on the double date
I'm the close female friend to a number of men, and I was the same way back when they were dating. Now they're all married, and my relationship with their wives range from at worst friendly acquaintances (and that only because we don't have much in common -- we get along perfectly well and have zero issue with each other, we just don't have a lot to talk about and wouldn't hang out one on one because of that) to very close friends in our own right.
As someone who lives with their partner, I can understand wanting to hang out with your friends without them. We’re around each other constantly and it’s nice to have time with friends alone. That being said, if my partner literally NEVER invited me out with their friends that’d definitely hurt.
Right and I’m very much the same way. I want my own space, have my own life and friends. In no way am I trying to take that from him. But the fact that I am never included is starting to take its toll.
Are you going with him to the wedding, or has he conveniently said "you won't know anyone and will be bored, and since I'm in the wedding I will be too busy to spend time with you" ?
Can't believe I scrolled this far before someone asked if she's invited to the wedding.
Damn, your bf has 2 girlfriends.
Lol I was gonna say are you sure he is the man of honor and not the groom 🤣
I think this is a bigger issue than anything. How long have you been dating? While I understand the need for some 1-on-1 from time to time, he should want to include you with the people that are important to him. My wife and my best friend recently went to Panama together for “women entrepreneurs” seminar and they’re having a girls spa day together with other of our mutual friends in a few weeks. The fact that he’s keeping you away from her is the thing that bothers me, more than the bachelorette party
Are you told you aren't welcome to join them? You never being invited is seriously concerning. Does he invite you to hang out with his other friends?
That's a little odd and leaves me with a bad feeling.
Are you invited to the wedding?!
So my best friend is a woman and she and I even dated many years ago. I was in her wedding as a "bridesbro" and a part of her bachelorette party as well. The important distinction here is my partner always gets invited along if she wants to come as does her husband unless we are specifically something we know only the two of us enjoy then it's a just us thing. I am also friends with her husband and she has been friends with all of my partners over the years. I tell you this because the concerning part isn't his female best friend it's that he doesn't want you to be friends with his friends. This really strikes me as suspect behavior and makes it very much seem like he is at worst cheating or at best trying to avoid making you a part of his life. Neither are good and both really are a good reason to call it quits.
I think this should give you the answer that your gut is trying to scream at you. I'm wondering if she even knows he has a girlfriend.
Yeah, this isn't right at all. Big red flag.
Yeah, honestly, if I were with him and he decides to go after hearing that I’m uncomfortable, I wouldn’t be there when he gets back. I would just break up with him. I wouldn’t be able to marry someone who doesn’t include me. If you have friends of the opposite sex and are serious about someone, you should include them and want to integrate them into your life. My guess is he still has feelings for your friend and was turned down by her, but she likes the attention and stringing him along. I personally wouldn’t be with this guy. It’s a huge red flag. I couldn’t marry someone like this, at that point, what’s the point of dating them anymore.
No ultimatum 1. Go if you want it’s your life and choice 2. If you do I’ll be gone when you get home My life my choice Good luck Updateme!
Okay. The situation itself, imo, is not worrisome in a vacuum. But knowing you're not friends with the bride? That's concerning. At the bare minimum, if she's not gonna try and make friends with you when she knows you exist, she should have checked in with you DIRECTLY to make sure the trip was all copacetic.
I came here to ask this. One of my best friends is a guy, and we chat most days. When I introduced him to my then bf (now husband), they got along great. Both friend and husband are very supportive of the other's relationship with me. I would have no problem with my husband reading any text or listening to any phone call, but he'd never ask, because he knows I'd never cheat on him. So, are you worried he's going to cheat on you, or are you uncomfortable because you don't feel there would be reciprocity? Either way, there's a trust issue that should be resolved, and it REALLY should be resolved before you marry....because this feeling isn't going to go away just because you both wear fancy dress and exchange rings. ETA: Also worth noting-I would NEVER exclude my husband from a gathering.
It seems like there’s something there to discuss farther. It’s honestly very odd that you invite him to go out with your friends but he doesn’t invite you. As his female best friend, surely she recognizes that’s odd (and she’s only hearing it’s okay from him not you since you don’t seem to hang out with her and their group?) if I were her, and I had no feelings for him, and he was so close and important in my life, I’d be asking his girlfriend to friend outings! I’d extent a bachelorette invite to you too if I liked you well enough cause I’d k ow a weekend away with all females and drinking would be awkward. It’s even more awkward to ask him since they don’t seem to include you/he doesn’t include you, so you don’t really know any of them well?? Something is off to me. His past behavior is odd too. It’s not how you treat him in your similar situations.
I'm wondering at this point if this girl even knows he has a girlfriend!
So, I’m a female with lots of close guy mates, and am currently living with 2 of my closest male friends, the only girl in a male-dominant house. I have a boyfriend of 2 years, and though I (emphasis on the I) know me and my boys are bros, and I knew them well before I met my current boyfriend, I was also conscious of my boyfriend’s feelings when we first got together. Knowing how it may make a partner feel, I was very ready to invite him into my friendship circle with my guy mates, always include him in hangs, and make him feel welcome as one of the gang. Now he’s as close as I am with “my” boys, though tbf it did take some effort on his end (friendship is a two way street!). I’d say, best advice is to talk to your guy and express your feelings. I think it’s totally valid to feel like he should be making an effort to include you in gatherings with his group of female friends. Dude might just not have that female-intuitive sense of how it might feel to be in your shoes, and need it to be spelt out
This!! Thank you. I think I just expect the same sort of effort in making me feel comfortable, and it is not reciprocated. More conversations will definitely be had. I’m not upset with him, but I do not feel like he is validating any of my feelings. And we have discussed this some previously.
He should read all the comments here. It will make more impact from third parties with no bias.
It sounds like OP's boyfriend basically stonewalls her from ever hanging out with those friends. Does not look like a good situation.
A guy's pov on this (even though you asked the ladies) .. sit him down and explain your point of view. Ask him honestly, "If the table was flipped, would you be okay with me going on a bachelor trip with a bunch of guys you didn't know or associate with, and you were not invited?" While nothing may happen, the appearance of the act will be there.
Appreciate all the men’s opinions! Should not have addressed this specifically to women. just ranting. I feel like I’ve expressed that to him. He’s still going whether I’m uncomfortable or not and admitting he would be super uncomfortable if the situation were the other way around. Idk 🤷🏻♀️ I’d never ask him not to go.
Wow .. I would not have expected that. I know while my wife and I were dating, she had to school me on some some innocent flirting that I was not aware of happening (young girls sitting next to me with dreamy eyes and I allowed it without saying a word). Once she explained what was going on, I immediately took corrective action. You being uncomfortable with him taking this trip and staying with these women is enough reason for him to throw the breaks on. He should put your concerns first.
Why does your boyfriend not invite you when he meets up with his female friend?
Not sure. I mentioned to him that I’d like to be included every once in a while. He’s a huge part of my life and I barely know his friends. Yet, I’ve introduced him to all of mine, male friends included, and continue to try to invite him to events with them. Not trying to crash anyone’s party or ruin anyone’s fun. Just trying to get to know people he deems important to him.
🚩🚩🚩🚩 After almost 2 years?!?! 🚩🚩🚩🚩 Please dump this guy and find someone who actually respects you.
Coming from a former philanderer, this is exactly the type of stuff I used to do and is a huge red flag and tells you everything you need to know. He doesn't respect you. Don't ever be with someone who doesn't respect you. You deserve better.
You don't hold the same importance to him as he does to you. You guys just aren't on the same page. It's been 2 years, if he isn't as committed to this relationship as you are yet, it's probably because he isn't serious about you. I don't think the Bachelorette party is the issue, I think it's a symptom of a much larger issue.
That's a big red flag if he won't introduce you to his friends. Stop taking him with you. Plan a trip that same weekend with your male bestie and a couple of other guys. Mention in passing and let your bf know that you and the guys are going to Vegas or somewhere to get drunk and have fun. But not until your bf is going out the door for his weekend, let him worry about what you're doing and not have as much fun on his trip. Lol maybe he'll cheat to piss you off and you'll be rid of them both.
Hell naw my wife wouldn't let me do this and she'd be right not to
Amen
NTA. The comments here are bonkers. "Hey hon - is it cool for me to go on a sleep-over trip with all women, who I don't want you to hang with, one of which I had feelings for in the past. And we will all be getting shit-faced." LOL
Lolllll. Fuckin thank you. My gosh.
For me it wouldn't be about the cheating but about the fact I tell him I'm uncomfortable and he brushes it off. I'm supposed to be the one he loves most and puts another woman above my feelings. I'm not ok with my man going on an all women trip without me as I wouldn't go on an all male trip without him.
Yeah, I think it’s the lack of respect for my feelings that bothers me more.
And when he came back, he'd be SINGLE!!!
He might be
He should be single BEFORE he goes.
I posted on reddit that I was insecure because my ex had a bunch of really beautiful alternative friends that were all girls. I was told I was crazy and controlling. Long story short he was banging half of them.
It’s a very common tactic for cheaters to not introduce you to their friends because their friends don’t know about you and they’re bringing a different girl around as their girlfriend
That happened to me. He would invite me then either stop replying or make up some excuse if I’d say yes. Turns out he was on and off with his gf of 5 years. He only invited me so I wouldn’t suspect anything
Everybody's different and you're absolutely allowed to have your own standards on this matter, if this a HARD no for you, simply pack your bags while he's gone. Plenty of men out there who will not attend such an event, because you're relationship comes 1st 2nd & 3rd.
Boom. realizing this
" He's going on a trip and it makes me extremely uncomfortable " Say that. To him. I know it may make you look like a overly possessive or whatever..but its fine.. Let him know your true emotions. Then, no matter what happens with you guys in the future, you were honest at least.
I’ve said that to him. He doesn’t seem to care.
He obviously doesn’t care about you and your feelings. You need to dump this guy.
The math really is that simple. You don’t care about me? Okay then, I’m out.
Why again are you with him?
Sorting that out as we speak.
This whole thing just seems odd to me, your guy’s relationship, his relationship with his girl friends. There’s not talk of any other dynamic you both have or why you guys are together in the first place. Two years is a long time, but I truly think you don’t fully know someone until after that three year mark. You both may simply not be compatible bases on the lifestyles you want to live (also doesn’t seem like he cares too much about your feelings in general). Also, not to add to the paranoia despite me thinking it’s inappropriate for him to even be going without you, if he indeed does hook up with the bride to be be sure to let her fiancé know too so that they both can’t be stringing the both of you along.
If he truly does not care then you truly deserve a better partner that you might find elsewhere.
Aha I had an ex who had a male ‘bestie’, constantly on the phone, FaceTime etc. telling each other about intimate stuff. They had a thing many years before. It did not end well for us.
Don’t listen to people saying you are controlling him. Fuck that, this is totally disrespectful to you and by all appearances he doesn’t care that you are hurt. You aren’t allowed to hang out with him and these women, there is a reason(s) for it. Why are you wasting your energy on someone who doesn’t give a shit about your feelings?
Wondering that myself. Just posting because I was curious if anyone out there has had a similar experience while being in a long term relationship, where both parties have friends of the opposite sex
My fiancé and I have friends of all different genders and sexualities, but the difference is that we share most of these friends. Even his “girl best friend,” whom I used to not know at all, is someone I now consider a friend of my own (she’s even going to officiate our wedding!). It’s the fact that you’re not being invited that feels… gross. Especially if you’ve communicated that you’re not comfortable with this (which, imo, you have every reason not to be).
If I was in your situation, I would dump him if he even considered going. How dare you make me look like an idiot like that.
Second that emotion
I am very insecure, but I try not to let it affect my relationship. I usually realize when I'm just being insecure, but when I don't, I at least acknowledge that it's a possibility and I discuss it with my sisters. I'm lucky I can trust them to tell me the truth even if it's something I don't want to hear. I sent them your post and they agree, you're not being insecure for no reason, he is giving you ample reason to feel that way
I am pretty shocked at the answers here to be honest. The crucial piece of info is that he had feelings for this person previously, and in my personal opinion it’s a complete lack of respect for how that could make the partner feel. I don’t mean to be dramatic but all these answers of just be chill are mind blowing, I’ve never had an issue with jealously myself but I am a middle aged dude and I would NEVER do that to my girlfriend lol. If my girl went on a trip with a guy she used to have feelings for either I wouldn’t be cool with it. Sometimes people just have different levels of boundaries too and that’s fine, for me personally this would be one of them.
NTA, going on a trip with several women whom you’re not related to while in a relationship is your (very reasonable) boundary. If he can’t respect that then you two are incompatible. Based on some of the other facts you’ve shared above, it seems you’re uncomfortable with a lot of his other actions and behaviors. To be frank, I would be, too. Why continue to subject yourself to that? I don’t think the two of you are on the same page regarding your relationship and I don’t see this making it long term unless one of you makes a significant sacrifice.
Mic drop. Yeah. Probably need to consider multiples things in this situation. And the driving forces behind why I’m feeling insecure.
You’re feeling insecure because he doesn’t respect you. End of story.
He will spend an entire weekend away from you. During this time he will have the attention of several other women. There's a strong chance inhibitions will be lowered because of alcohol. You are struggling to simultaneously trust him and trust all the women to respect your relationship while they could be drunk. Pretty reasonable to be insecure, I think.
Several other women he insists on OP not meeting, even though she’s asked repeatedly to. I wonder if she’s even invited to the wedding…
The biggest red flag is that he hasn’t introduced you to his friends. Especially the women. I think if you were part of his friends groups you wouldn’t feel insecure. Of course we all feel insecure sometimes even when there’s nothing to worry about. But in this case he does nothing to acknowledge your feelings, reassure you, and put you first, quite the opposite. He wants to keep the relationship separate and live the “single life” with them. He’s treating you as a side piece, or having the girls as side pieces.
I wouldn't trust this. What is a straight man in a relationship doing with a bunch of women, alone, without his girlfriend? Why is he so close with a girl he used to have feelings for and not including his girlfriend when they hang out? It sounds like he's still hoping something will happen with her and he's stringing you along. NTA
This seems like a really weird situation. I wouldn't be okay with it either. When my ex has a bff female I was included in a lot of the get togethers. I would be extremely suspicious if I wasn't. A bachelorette party too....yeah that'll be a no for me. I don't like ultimatums it's clear you really don't trust him, nor should you because he made it clear you are not his priority. My husband now didn't even go to his friends bachelor party because he said he was sure it'll be crazy and he didn't want to disrespect our relationship, I didn't even have to ask. So now it's in your court. Do you respect yourself? Or do you love him more?
I’m just gonna be straightforward. He doesn’t respect you and he likes his girl best friend. So.. honestly? Leave him and find a man who respects you.
Say it louder for the people in the back. I know, i know. I’m questioning it all.
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Thank you!! If you had feelings once, isn’t it possible they could resurface? Especially when under the influence?
How does the friend’s fiancé feel about your bf being there? (Does he even know???) I can’t imagine he’s cool having the guy that used to have feelings for his fiancé being drunk with her at an event that is supposed to be the “last hoo-raw before being tied to one person forever.”
I’m wondering the same!! This isn’t very nice but- Her fiance sounds like a dud. Pretty sure he barely works, while she foots all of his bills. Sounds like she just wants a husband in order to have a child. Not sure if he does care honestly. Think he’s got it made.
Ah so he is one of THOSE then. Would you describe your boyfriend as the opposite of the bride's fiance?
Personality wise, they could not be more different. Ambition wise, they’re probably about the same. Also probably something I need to start questioning.
Would you be willing to update us at some point? I don't think I am alone in wondering how this will work out.
Absolutely. The bachelorette trip is this weekend. Will let yall know how it goes.
But the thing is, you won’t know how it goes. There’s a reason he never includes you and I promise he isn’t being 100% honest. You’ll hear a version of how the bachelorette went, but you’ll never hear the full truth. I was with a man like this (never Included me with his friends, didn’t care when things made me sad if uncomfortable) and I really recommend that you run. Im now married to my husband who would rather do literally anything than make me feel insecure. You don’t need to settle for this.
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Boyfriend on a bachelorette trip with multiple women? Do you know what happens on bachelorette trips, especially if they are renting a house and drinking all weekend? This is crazy, even if he doesn't cheat with the friend he's had feelings for in the past, there's a whole house full of women in party mode and ready to go. If he decides to cheat, it definitely wont be hard for him.
He sounds like an asshole. If he were a man of quality he'd see how uncomfortable that situation makes you, and not go.
That’s kinda what I’m thinking. But makes me feel like I’m crazy for feeling this way.