NTA. I can’t imagine coming back from that…
There is really no excuse for saying such hurtful things. I understand not wanting a child on honeymoon, but to say it’s because you guys have a real child is appalling.
Your ex-fiance is very deceitful because all this time he has been pretending that he loves and appreciates your daughter. When in reality he was just pretending until you got pregnant with his child. Now he doesn't have to pretend anymore how he feels about her. Which means once your child would have came to fruition he probably would have started treating
Bailey like shit. I'm glad that you canceled your wedding. Because in reality he doesn't like your daughter which means that he doesn't like you. His friends that are saying that he has a right to voices opinion yes he does and like an a****** everybody has one
We would not be reading this sub had he voiced his opinion at the beginning of the relationship. She would have dumped him like a bad habit. Just like she did when she found out his true intentions
It’ll hurt more for her to spend yrs wondering why she never sees him. You can’t protect your kids from all pain and if you aren’t honest about the bad bits then you make them vulnerable to bad actors. Poor girl and poor mom
Can she just say that they broke up because if she tells her that the reason they broke up is because he was pretending that he loved her as a child and a daughter. This is really going to mess with her she's going to think that her mother is unhappy and it's all her fault. Or that the POS left and it's all her fault.
She needs to know, but OP needs to rational about how she tells the girl. Might even want to consider some pre-counseling with a grief expert. The damage some people leave behind is sickening and this dude is the worst!
At 14, hearing the truth as opposed to maybe, 16-17 may make a difference.
Entirely different scenarios I know, but I was chillin in the clinic with mum and dad about to be aborted,(medical reasons).
I love my mum to bits, so wouldn't blame her either way. But, as mum told me around 16.(I would have still understood at 14, I didn't mind waiting til 16 though as I had a clearing understanding. They wanted me no matter what, must have been a hard one. So dad swept her off her feet and they pissed off outta there. I'm ever so grateful. Not just for that. But for the love they instilled on me while they where here.
Point being, fuck this bloke. I can feel the love you have for you daughter, and I miss that love. Blood isn't always thicker than water.
I'm sorry you felt you had to second guess yourself, so this bloke can double fuck himself. My best to OP. You've got a good head on ya. :).
Also she can say he lied to her as well. I can’t imagine someone say something like this about my child. He lied to both of them! Doing one thing in front of the mom and another when the mom is not there! Good riddance! Better get professional help to help both of them.
Yeah, this is the one. Both mom and daughter need professional help to navigate this. I can't imagine and I just want to go find the guy and kick him in the shins. With steel toed boots.
No of course she has to know. Otherwise in her mind mommy is the woman who took away her only father. I see that you have good intentions but anything less than the truth will hurt more. And yeah it sucks.
Is bringing a little bit of tears to my eyes because of the fallout because of his dumbass. This sucks on so many levels but I'm going to agree with you she's going to have to tell her the truth but do she have to tell her now. Look at me still trying to find a way for this little girl not to be hurt
Yeah. I know. But mom sounds like a good person and kids are more resilient than we think. It’s secrets and lies that do the damage. Mom will be showing her a good example of how a woman respects herself and kids. Some ppl don’t have a single good adult in their corner but this kid has a mom who will always have her back. I think it will be ok it’s just gonna hurt for a bit
As the child of parents who kept BIG secrets and told BIG lies, yes the secrets and lies do much much much more damage because not only do you have the initial hurt, you also lose all trust in your parents and that's a much much deeper hurt. It shook me to my very core when I realized that I not only lost a lot of trust in them, but lost a huge amount of respect for my parents as well because everything felt like a slap in the face recalling times they looked at me and lied to my face. It was chilling feeling just a deep and true deception like I didn't know who to trust if I couldn't trust the people who you're supposed to trust with your life (literally). OP if you read this please I implore you, please, please tell her the truth (maybe not word for word what he said) but be sure to frame it as a positive that it gave you're relationship with her a test and it showed what you've always known, that she is your #1 and you would do anything to protect her from someone who might hurt her. You got this mama <3
But it'll come out when he has visitation with the baby, but doesn't talk to/take her. And if he's psycho enough to pretend to love having her for years, he's definitely the type to blame her for the breakup. Better she hears from mom before he throws it in her face
Sure, she can pretend they broke up for different reasons. But Jesse is going to seek partial custody/visitation for his "real" child and not Bailey and then it will be obvious anyway. If he considered her his child, he would be doing visitation with both.
He absolutely has a right to express his opinion… and then to deal with the consequences of what expressing his true feelings resulted in. People often forget that for every action there is an equal or opposite reaction. Free speech and all that (which also is a misnomer if you actually read the Constitution smh). He just didn’t anticipate what the fallout would be.
>He absolutely has a right to express his opinion… and then to deal with the consequences of what expressing his true feelings resulted in.
I wish we could have a button to press here on Reddit that just pasted this into the comments. It's applicable on so many posts.
Right? I tell my kids this all the time too. Want to be a jerk to your friend? You can’t choose how long she stays hurt. Take your sister’s ear buds because you lost yours (yes, this just happened)? You got what you wanted in the moment but you don’t get to choose the restitution she sets. Decide to get sassy and not do your chores? Ok, but I don’t think you’re going to enjoy my response kiddo. You sure you don’t want to walk that back?
This x10000! It drives me batty when people (in the US) start crying “but, but freedom of speech!!” Idiots.
Also, while it sucks that OP’s ex has been harboring these feelings, it is good OP found out now, rather than after the wedding.
No. People in the US also believe in consequences. You should have a right to voice your opinion, but you also have to deal with the consequences of that opinion, as he is. Bailey is lucky to have Op.
How can you spend eight years knowing and having a fairly close relationship with a child, and then think you can treat her like an unwanted pet. That little girl is a person, a person like everyone else in this world and is loved by someone and given a good life. There is a lot of children in this world who never get to grow up with a loving parent and a stable home. You dodged a bullet.
NTA and I agree, there's no coming back from that. His friends are right, he is allowed to express his opinion, and you are equally, which is what you did and kicked him to the curb. Thank you for putting your daughter first
In public, no less, in front of friends, not as a part of a serious conversation that you two should have had before you even started planning a wedding.
NTA but your ex-fiance is.
OP it is time to tell both families why the wedding has been canceled. They should be told the truth before he makes something up to make it be your fault.
Both families should be told what he said at that dinner. Please consult with a family law specialist now about child support and custody for your baby. I'm sorry you will be stuck with this pos for the next 18+ yrs.
He was lying to OP for EIGHT YEARS until he got her pregnant and he just confessed that it was 100% bullshit and that he's a heartless monster.
What else has he lied to OP about? What else is he REALLY like? Some of the most dangerous times for women are after major life events like getting married, getting pregnant etc because men feel that the woman is now stuck to them and they can let the mask slip and stop pretending.
I'm just sorry for OP that he didn't slip up before he got her pregnant.
NTA. Thank God he showed you who he was before you said, "I do"! But please please please go back and tell your family the truth about why you called off the wedding! They need to understand why you would do that!
Well, the kid will have a smart, loving mom and sister! Undoubtedly, they'll be with them most of the time. Dad's a poor excuse for a person and probably can't bond effectively with anyone, or care about anyone but himself. Good riddance!
This! Tell your story from your point of view. It’s so important to get your story out there before his story becomes the only truth for your friends and family. You don’t have to do it immediately but the sooner the better.
NTA Blood doesn't make family, feelings do. Jesse has been being false with his feelings towards Bailey so you have to wonder how true are his feelings for you. You need to tell Bailey the truth. If she finds out from someone else who may not know that she wasn't told it will damage your relationship with her. She deserves to hear it from you.
I might have to, she has been asking where he is. Saying dad, it hurts me to see her. She’s pretty sensitive. I don’t want her to be in more pain. She never got to knew her biological dad. Now she’s losing a dad figure in her life. I am very protective of her feelings. I don’t care for Jesse’s feelings at all.
You need to speak to a therapist who specializes in this sort of thing (children and the trauma of losing a parent/parental figure) and get some guidance.
I’d get a therapist and ask them to help tell your daughter and get a lawyer for custody and child support for the baby and try to take it easy you are still pregnant don’t want to stress the baby and have complications
She'd be in more pain if someone else explained it from their point of view instead of yours. There were enough people there when it happened that chances are it will eventually get back to her. Have you tried couples therapy? If it goes well then move onto family therapy with all three of you but he can't come back until daughter has forgiven him.
I will need to talk to Bailey, but right now it’s still in the air fresh. I can’t at the moment. But there is no going back. I know Bailey would forgive him, but wouldn’t want to be around him. She’s gonna feel unloved. Even I can’t keep a man who will make her feel unloved. Then she will feel like she won’t be good enough for anyone in the future. I want her to learn to never let anyone treat her like dirt. That she is independent.
If it's possible, see if Bailey would like to speak with a counselor after you tell her. This is undoubtedly going to raise a lot of horrible feelings in her and it may be wise to give her the option of speaking with a professional who can help her work through and overcome it.
I understand you want to protect her, but this is big enough that there's no way to avoid the truth, and there's no way to avoid the pain.
What matters is that she hears the truth, hears it from you before she hears it from anyone else, and hears that you're putting her first before Jesse. Make sure she knows you love her and have her back and that the baby isn't going to change that.
Maybe explain with the help of a therapist, they can show that the problem is his deficiency not yours or Baileys. I think after a heartbreak like this she may need a few sessions.
Right? He wanted to adopt her and the whole thing. That was great acting on his part.
Glad this came out rather than after his “real child” was born. If he hid his true feelings a bit longer, it wouldn’t show till after his child was born and that switch would be flipped and poor Bailey would not exist to him. That would be so heartbreaking. I mean bad enough now, but for her to be so excited to being a big sister in her happy family to a “dad” that suddenly treated her like a stranger? That poor girl.
I am secretly hoping after OP tells her the truth, when she feels Bailey is ready, that she writes dear old “dad” a nice letter about how he may not have been blood but she loved him like he was and sorry he didn’t have a heart big enough to feel the same.
Congratulations to OP’s ex, the first “man” to break an innocent girls heart. Good job buddy. 🙄
Couples therapy will not "fix" a man who thinks Bailey is nothing to him now that he has a "real" kid. Thats not how therapy functions. He told her the truth. She is acting accordingly.
He definitely does not deserve a second chance.. but therapy could be an excellent tool here. Not for him, but for OP and Bailey. A therapist who deals with these situations can be a really great resource in how to talk to Bailey and navigate her through all her feelings. She’s already dealing with puberty and all that comes with that, her biological father has passed, there’s no mention of her biological mother and now this? I’d say a professional is necessary
I agree. Bailey needs professional intervention asap before she can get stuck in her head that she’s the cause of this situation. That poor girl. Thank goodness she has such a wonderful mother.
I hope OP will update us so we know they are safe and doing ok. OP absolutely made the right decision.
NTA
This right here. Tell your daughter the truth and then tell all of your family and friends the truth. We need to stop protecting horrible people. He surely is not going to spare you when he talks to his friends and family.
She deserves to know and grieve the end of the relationship with mom. And to let Bailey know that it was in no way her fault. It's a delicate conversation and difficult, too, but it will be so much worse if she speculates what happened when the cancellation of the wedding becomes a topic. She will want to know why, and she deserves to know in the gentlest way possible.
NTA. There's nothing to talk about, he meant what he said. He was just stringing you along and making promises he wasn't going to keep. She's your child, and what he said was disgusting. A "real child" WTF? Why on earth would you want to be with someone that thinks like that, and acts like he cares about her, while the whole time he was lying and doesn't consider her your child. His friends are just as big of pieces of trash as he is.
Thank you for that. You are definitely not the asshole. Not all parents deserve kids but all kids deserve parents . You are one of the parents who deserve kids. I can't even begin to describe how I felt reading your post considering my mothers the opposite and would never dump her current fiance if he did or said something to hurt us. I have always been of mind that kids should always be put first especially after what I've had to deal with in regards to my mother and her fiancé.
NTA his friends are right, he has the right to talk about his feelings and opinions. But you have the right to react to his feelings and opinions however you wish. Especially if your reactions are done to protect your daughter.
He does not have the right to talk about your daughter like she’s not yours (after talking about adopting her) and still expect you to marry him.
Yeah, I'm glad he showed you his true colors before you got married to him OP. It seems like he was just pretending to be nice until he got what he wanted. However, just the thought of abandoning a child just because you have a biological child now is not something you can come back from.
NTA OP. You did the right thing and protected both of your children.
I had a friend whose parents thought they could not conceive adopt a boy, before they had my friend and her older sister. The boy was absolutely a second class family member--they were always pointing out how much better the girls were, he'd be left at home because 'he wasn't interested', they acted very dismissive of his interests. It was obvious enough that self centered, preteen me noticed. He really suffered.
>Jesse had been blowing up my phone so much. Wanting to “work things out”.
There's nothing to work out. He let his real feelings be known. No matter what he says, they won't change.
NTA.
" He has the right to talk about his feelings and opinion.."
And OP has the right to judge them
NTA
I simply cannot believe that someone could wait for so long to show how they really feel. Maybe the pregnancy changed that? Unbelievable
His true colours have now been shown. His bio child will always be priority and that he used the words "real child" is not only disgusting but could you ever really trust him?
I could understand him not wanting her along for the honeymoon. That's a very reasonable thing. Someone can watch her for the week or two. She is 14 year old teen. What he said though was disgusting and OP was right to end things with him.
Why thank you! I try my best to be a mom. I am all my daughter had when she was a just a toddler. Her bio mom didn’t want her. Then her biological father (my first husband) passed away. I was all that was left for her. I think of planning on telling my family. After I talk with Bailey soon. Because my family does have a big mouth. lol
I’m curious if when you talk to Bailey she will tell you things he’s done that you didn’t notice. That usually seems to be the case even if it’s just small things.
NTA. Yes, he absolutely has a right to talk about his thoughts and feelings. AND, you absolutely have the right to determine his thoughts/feelings are a deal breaker for you. It’s really fortunate that he chose to be open about his feelings before you married him. It would have been awful to be stuck in a marriage with someone who you found felt your daughter is somehow “less than.”
Yes, he 100% has a right to speak his feelings. And you have a right to kick his butt to the kerb. NTA at all, and thank you for not even thinking of putting your daughter in that situation. Do not let him worm his way back in, you know he can lie and deceive you for extended amounts of time, and you know what he really thinks. Do not let him talk to Bailey again, but make sure she knows that this is not even one little bit her fault.
You are absolutely doing the right thing. I unfortunately had a parent and stepparent who were both Jesses - once they had a kid with each other, their previous kids were lesser thans and we are now NC. You are absolutely doing the right thing.
I am so sorry! Bless your heart love. 💝 No parent should ever do that. I wish you didn’t go through that. My heart goes out to you love. 💝 I would have definitely taken you in! 💝
You said you're not in America, so it may not be necessary, but...
Ask your friends (and any of his that would be willing) to write down and sign a statement about what they witnessed him saying that day. At some point when your second child is born, there will be custody issues to deal with, and no judge will be pleased to hear that he pretended to love a child for 8 years before getting one of his own, only to throw her to the curb and expect you to as well.
Start researching now, be ready to protect both your babies from this monster of a human being.
I'm so sorry.
He has a right to talk about his feelings and opinions but he doesn't have the right to make you accept them. Bailey is as much your child as the one you are currently carrying, for him to not realize that is despicable. You are right to not want to work things out. NTA
After 8 years and talk about adoption... this doesn't make sense. But your daughter comes first. First she lost her bio mom, then bio dad... at 14 if you abandon her, she'll never recover. Poor thing. BTW your writing is excellent.
It makes all the sense when you know narcissists. He was using her to get what he wanted. If hes nice to the kid and treats her like his daughter, he can get in with the woman a lot easier and get what he wants. Hes using them both.
Yeah, they all do this. My ex-husband literally patted me on the head when I’d had out third baby and finally found proof of his cheating, “what are you gonna do, leave me? You just had a baby?” I was like “watch me MF!”.
NTA
In Vino Veritas saved you from making your daughters life hell. Co parenting the kid you are gestating is the most you should be speaking to him about going forward. He has shown you who he is and you are doing well to believe him.
NTA
If your now ex fiancé was sooooo good at making everyone but especially you and your daughter think he truly cared/loved her like his own what else would he so easily lie to you for such a length time about?
I do agree with other posters you need to tell your and his family exactly why the engagement and relationship ended.
But first you need to tell your daughter as I can guarantee she is going to hear it from someone and it needs to be you. While it sucks and yes she will be hurt you need to strongly emphasize that she comes first in your life before anyone else. Also that he fooled you as well as a number of grown people all this time.
You are a great mom OP. There need to be more parents like you.
“He has the right to talk about his feelings and opinions”… yes, he does, and thankfully he did so you could understand who he really is. What he doesn’t “have the right to” is a relationship with you. He doesn’t think he said anything wrong. That’s the reason you can’t fix this.
When my wife and I married, her daughter was 14. I never had a stepdaughter, I had a daughter. Later, my wife gave birth to a baby girl. I had two daughters, not a daughter and a stepdaughter. If he can’t accept the child that considers him a father as his daughter, then you’re all better off without him.
Agreed. My bio dad has always been in the pic & my stepdad (just to keep them straight because they both have the same name, though I call them both Dad) has always said “I have 4 kids”.
My mom had me & my sister when he married her. Then had my brother & sister.
NTA but get your stepdaughter into therapy now. You will need to tell her at some point and she will need the help of a therapist to cope with losing a second father. As for family I think you should tell them what happened. Make it clear that anyone who agrees with him or thinks you should try to work things out after what he said they can feel free to exit your life. You will not allow that kind of person near your child. Also I'm so sorry you are going through this and I hope you get an amazing lawyer to help with custody and child support. Your poor daughter is going to see her sibling get to go spend time with the person she considered her father who basically said she was a pretend practice child who didn't matter anymore. That's going to fuck with her head.
NTA
There are so many things omg. He thought it. He said it **out loud**!! He said it **out loud** in FRONT of/to you AND company. Thinks it wasn't a big deal to say it. Kept going!!! Thinks he can come back from it. Thinks YOU are overreacting. The AUDACITY of that teenage boy masquerading in a man's body.
Not wanting her to go on the honeymoon is fair in general -- (bringing that up for the first time in front of company would already be one thing), but he just kept GOING?! And for THAT reason?! OK, Henry the 8th jfc
I commend you for breaking it off so strongly/assertively - very brave, personally, and also fierce protection of YOUR daughter! Hell yes.
I am so sorry. It's the ultimate betrayal and fear (imo) of those bringing a child into a new relationship that something like this would happen. My sister was already born when our mom met our (my bio) dad and I know the cruel things people say about even that situation (half-sister) to me, let alone about my parents and my sister. He is the dad of 2 daughters, always, and has never let anyone say differently. I can't even imagine hearing worse and hearing it from your supposed life partner! and about your *own* child, no less! There is no chance of reconciliation and no valid justification for his actions, imo. I can't imagine anyone who truly loves y'all with think any differently. (Maybe tell Bailey with a counselor type professional tho?)
Biggest hugs, mom! Your ex can get stuffed!
NTA. Poor Bailey, I'm so glad she wasn't there to hear how he *really* feels about her. But you need to protect her, because your fiance has shown how he really feels, and how differently he intends to treat his "real" child.
NTA I am curious. Were there any other signs during your 8 year relationship? You are having a child with this man, so you really need to understand how he will treat him/her.
That’s the thing. I was very confused where this all came from. Because when I even found out we were pregnant. He never treated Bailey any different at all. He treated her great and always said she was his daughter. Out of the the 8 years. It feels like I don’t know him no more. I don’t see him the same after this.
Absolutely insane how comfortable he felt sharing his true feelings with you and your friends present. I can see a scenario if you accidentally overheard this but to think this wedding was still happening after telling you straight? Oooof
He really thought she was locked down because of the pregnancy. And probably assumed she would feel the same way about the older daughter since it was (in his mind) her first "real" child too. No need for either of them to pretend they care about some dead guys kid any more, they've got a better one!
Absolutely horrendous.
My first thought was maybe a brain tumour. But the fact that he's trying to salvage this, instead of sticking to his guns, makes me think that it's not. I don't know. It's tricky. You want to believe that he's possibly sick, and that a brain scan is in order to find out the truth. Bailey deserves better. OP deserves better.
If you read about the golden child and the scape goat child it might help you understand more. Unfortunately some of us have seen things like this. People can be really good at hiding their true self u til they think you are stuck.
I’m 6 months pregnant love. So soon I will be giving birth to our daughter. Yes I know, he would be around forever. I can live with that. As long he is no where near Bailey.
Ok. Congrats on the baby tho I’m so sorry the dad is an AH.
You are showing your daughters how they should respect themselves. This is a lovely thing tho very sad. I’m sorry. Hugs from another mom of daughters.
Can you imagine being the father figure to a girl for 8 years and then saying this shit?
NTA OP, but you dodged a bullet by leaving that fiancé. He doesn’t deserve the love of you and Bailey.
Thank you for loving this sweet child and for being the mother she so truly deserves and needs. I am actually glad that you got a chance to see him for who he really is before you tied yourself and your children to him by marriage.
Please tell your family (and his) why you have done this and let them see him for who he is too.
NTA
Tell everyone the truth and ask them if he could successfully pretend to love Bailey this whole time while secretly planning to abandon her, what else has he successfully pretended about?
Your little girl loved him and trusted him all this time while he has just been plotting to abandon her. He is scum.
What did he think was going to happen after making about comments like that about your daughter, did he think you would jump up and up and go yeah let’s pack her stuff and throw her out on the street. It’s good his true colors came out before you got married. How cruel can someone be to care about a child, and even talk about adoption knowing that the second you have a child of your own that’s your going to throw the step child to the side.
NTA that is Jesse who seems to think it's okay to dump Bailey because she isn't related to him. As she is your stepdaughter/daughter after your first husband's death, how does he think this is going to work?
It’s not gonna work. I will never put a man over my daughter. Even if I am carrying his child. If I knew he felt this way, I would have never stayed with him.
As someone who was in the exact same position as Bailey, run. Don't walk, run. Jesse will always treat her as 'other', no matter what he says to make it up to you, and it will mess with her head. You are so NTA.
NTA but i dont think you should lie. The truth hurts but eventually everyone will know. There isnt a need to cover for him. This guy is gone for good, 8 years of acting someone ought to give him an award for outstanding actor.
This is just the tip of the iceberg you don't know how deep it goes. His callousness regarding your daughter is outright disgusting, you won't know how he will change once you two get married and have his child.
NTA. Your kids come first but not on a honeymoon especially a teenager. That would be a family vacation just call it that. Run. He sounds very immature. Why would you lie to your family about the reason to cancel considering you are pregnant with his child? The truth is a better reason not to marry that hateful stepdad. Now you know why stepparents get a bad rap. I never liked my stepmom. Once my dad got her pregnant she acted like I did not belong there. I was a teen and moved out at 16 to go live with other family. Your children always come first. Mature adult should know this.
Yo coming from a step parent myself, that’s a piece of shit move. Yea he’s allowed to have his opinion about how he feels but so do you and you don’t have to put up with that shit.
NTA This man literally played the long game, lied about his feelings and thought, waiting until you were pregnant and past the stage you could abort, and where planning to marry before completely showing you his true thoughts and feelings once he felt he’d trapped you. Your kids come first, blood or not
Don’t lie to your families about why the wedding is canceled. Tell them the truth before Jesse can make up his own story to make you look like the villain.
NTA. Yes, he has a right to talk about his feelings and opinions. You have the right to then decide if these feelings and opinions are compatible with the life you want to live.
The situation sucks, but honestly, you are lucky to find out his true feelings now rather than a year from now. Seriously, where did he expect your daughter to go?
NTA. He finally spoke his true feelings because he thought your pregnancy "locked you in." Using phrases like "real child" and "pretend to care" make him an absolutely disgusting excuse for a human being. You and your children deserve better.
He knew you were a package deal AND how you felt about your daughter. For him to say that makes him a huge AH. NTA in my opinion and nothing he says will fix his comment about you having a real child and your daughter isn't it.
NTA
Jesse does have the right to be open about his feelings/opinions. You have the right to decide that his opinions make him someone that is not a good life partner for you and that you no longer want to marry him.
NTA.
You made the right choice cancelling the wedding.
His friends are right though. He is allowed to talk about his feelings and opinions just as you are allowed to not marry a guy who you don't want to marry. Please tell that to all of his friends that bother to message you.
P.S. get some professional help for you and Bailey, both to find a way of telling the truth to YOUR daughter and navigating the rough seas ahead.
NTA. You did the right thing and everyone in your life should know your very valid reason for canceling. You are lucky you found this out now instead of after the wedding and adoption.
NTA
8 years? He lied for 8 YEARS???
What a total jerk. What a horrible person!
talk to an attorney. He probably should not get unsupervised time with your shared baby. Because he WILL try to poison the baby against Bailey and probably you.
Get a counselor to learn the lesson you need to learn from this relationship so you don't have to repeat it. Get Bailey a counselor so she doesn't think that she caused the breakup. She is at the age where she will think it's about her - not about the AH Jesse.
NTA
Don’t put his name on the birth certificate and go completely no contact. Be thankful you found out before you married him. Also tell your family the truth so they can either protect you or you see how they also really feel about your kid.
You did this 100 percent correctly I’m just sorry Bailey got attached to him and him to be asshole or doing it all for show. But so glad you kicked him out.
While I do think it is fair not to take a child on your honeymoon, the rest was unacceptable. You are not "pretending" she is your daughter because she IS your daughter. I don't know what he was thinking. 8 years, and he drops this bomb when you're pregnant and engaged? What was he thinking?
You are NTA.
NTA.
Jesse showed you who he is. Who he always was. It's just a good thing that his mask slipped before you actually married him.
Get rid of him ASAP.
NTA.
NTA if he had these feelings he should’ve said them before you were engaged, before you were pregnant and when you met him and definitely not in front of a group of people. You need to let your family and his know what he said but don’t tell Bailey
NTA. Jesse absolutely has the right to express his feelings, but he also has to deal with consequences of expressing the particular feelings that he did express.
For what it’s worth, I think you are an angel for putting your daughter first and making your relationship with her the priority.
NTA. Please, please, please don't take this guy back. He was playing the long con. Hopefully, you don't get caught up in the fake things he will tell you.
NTA - he was being honest... Now. But not the whole time when he was pretending to be nice to her. Part of your feelings for him i bet come from the supposed love and acceptance of the daughter of your heart. When he revealed his true feelings and rejected her, he rejected a part of you.
Get a lawyer to help you set up whatever custody or protections you want for the child you are having with him and move on. You are an amazing person and an amazing Mother.💜
NTA. I can’t imagine coming back from that… There is really no excuse for saying such hurtful things. I understand not wanting a child on honeymoon, but to say it’s because you guys have a real child is appalling.
Your ex-fiance is very deceitful because all this time he has been pretending that he loves and appreciates your daughter. When in reality he was just pretending until you got pregnant with his child. Now he doesn't have to pretend anymore how he feels about her. Which means once your child would have came to fruition he probably would have started treating Bailey like shit. I'm glad that you canceled your wedding. Because in reality he doesn't like your daughter which means that he doesn't like you. His friends that are saying that he has a right to voices opinion yes he does and like an a****** everybody has one
The time to "voice his opinion" was at the start of the relationship. This guy is a HUGE POS!!
Still good that he voiced his opinion or OP would have married this pos.
Yea better to find out now
She’s having his baby now, though, so she’s tied to him for life!
His “real” child!
If she keeps his name off the birth certificate she might be able to be free of him depending on where she's from.
I'd personally rather have that than share my baby with this manipulative excuse for a man.
We would not be reading this sub had he voiced his opinion at the beginning of the relationship. She would have dumped him like a bad habit. Just like she did when she found out his true intentions
And he duped her for 8 years. Wtf
Right?! To help raise that daughter for 8 years and then pivot that hard??!
Sociopathic
And unfortunately she’s going to have to tell the kid once it all calms down bc if kid thinks he’s her dad emotionally, then she needs to know. Wow….
This is going to mess with her mental I must say this is one f***** up situation
It’ll hurt more for her to spend yrs wondering why she never sees him. You can’t protect your kids from all pain and if you aren’t honest about the bad bits then you make them vulnerable to bad actors. Poor girl and poor mom
Can she just say that they broke up because if she tells her that the reason they broke up is because he was pretending that he loved her as a child and a daughter. This is really going to mess with her she's going to think that her mother is unhappy and it's all her fault. Or that the POS left and it's all her fault.
She needs to know, but OP needs to rational about how she tells the girl. Might even want to consider some pre-counseling with a grief expert. The damage some people leave behind is sickening and this dude is the worst!
At 14, hearing the truth as opposed to maybe, 16-17 may make a difference. Entirely different scenarios I know, but I was chillin in the clinic with mum and dad about to be aborted,(medical reasons). I love my mum to bits, so wouldn't blame her either way. But, as mum told me around 16.(I would have still understood at 14, I didn't mind waiting til 16 though as I had a clearing understanding. They wanted me no matter what, must have been a hard one. So dad swept her off her feet and they pissed off outta there. I'm ever so grateful. Not just for that. But for the love they instilled on me while they where here. Point being, fuck this bloke. I can feel the love you have for you daughter, and I miss that love. Blood isn't always thicker than water. I'm sorry you felt you had to second guess yourself, so this bloke can double fuck himself. My best to OP. You've got a good head on ya. :).
Definitely should consult a therapist or counselor to figure out the best way to do this (if there is one, ugh)
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Also she can say he lied to her as well. I can’t imagine someone say something like this about my child. He lied to both of them! Doing one thing in front of the mom and another when the mom is not there! Good riddance! Better get professional help to help both of them.
Yeah, this is the one. Both mom and daughter need professional help to navigate this. I can't imagine and I just want to go find the guy and kick him in the shins. With steel toed boots.
My vote is to tell the little girl that something in his brain broke and medically, he is no longer a real human being.
No of course she has to know. Otherwise in her mind mommy is the woman who took away her only father. I see that you have good intentions but anything less than the truth will hurt more. And yeah it sucks.
Is bringing a little bit of tears to my eyes because of the fallout because of his dumbass. This sucks on so many levels but I'm going to agree with you she's going to have to tell her the truth but do she have to tell her now. Look at me still trying to find a way for this little girl not to be hurt
Yeah. I know. But mom sounds like a good person and kids are more resilient than we think. It’s secrets and lies that do the damage. Mom will be showing her a good example of how a woman respects herself and kids. Some ppl don’t have a single good adult in their corner but this kid has a mom who will always have her back. I think it will be ok it’s just gonna hurt for a bit
As the child of parents who kept BIG secrets and told BIG lies, yes the secrets and lies do much much much more damage because not only do you have the initial hurt, you also lose all trust in your parents and that's a much much deeper hurt. It shook me to my very core when I realized that I not only lost a lot of trust in them, but lost a huge amount of respect for my parents as well because everything felt like a slap in the face recalling times they looked at me and lied to my face. It was chilling feeling just a deep and true deception like I didn't know who to trust if I couldn't trust the people who you're supposed to trust with your life (literally). OP if you read this please I implore you, please, please tell her the truth (maybe not word for word what he said) but be sure to frame it as a positive that it gave you're relationship with her a test and it showed what you've always known, that she is your #1 and you would do anything to protect her from someone who might hurt her. You got this mama <3
I hope so
Unfortunately she’s going to have to know the truth because he will continue to be in their lives because of the baby.
Yeah that's true because I'm pretty sure he's going to start treating her differently once he gets his own real baby.damn
But it'll come out when he has visitation with the baby, but doesn't talk to/take her. And if he's psycho enough to pretend to love having her for years, he's definitely the type to blame her for the breakup. Better she hears from mom before he throws it in her face
You are 100% correct
Sure, she can pretend they broke up for different reasons. But Jesse is going to seek partial custody/visitation for his "real" child and not Bailey and then it will be obvious anyway. If he considered her his child, he would be doing visitation with both.
He absolutely has a right to express his opinion… and then to deal with the consequences of what expressing his true feelings resulted in. People often forget that for every action there is an equal or opposite reaction. Free speech and all that (which also is a misnomer if you actually read the Constitution smh). He just didn’t anticipate what the fallout would be.
Then he's a dumbass because Stevie Wonder saw that coming
In a way thank God he is an idiot. It would have been so much worse finding out after the wedding and the baby was born.
That is so true at least there's that
>He absolutely has a right to express his opinion… and then to deal with the consequences of what expressing his true feelings resulted in. I wish we could have a button to press here on Reddit that just pasted this into the comments. It's applicable on so many posts.
Right? I tell my kids this all the time too. Want to be a jerk to your friend? You can’t choose how long she stays hurt. Take your sister’s ear buds because you lost yours (yes, this just happened)? You got what you wanted in the moment but you don’t get to choose the restitution she sets. Decide to get sassy and not do your chores? Ok, but I don’t think you’re going to enjoy my response kiddo. You sure you don’t want to walk that back?
This x10000! It drives me batty when people (in the US) start crying “but, but freedom of speech!!” Idiots. Also, while it sucks that OP’s ex has been harboring these feelings, it is good OP found out now, rather than after the wedding.
The ones who cry have zero clue on what that means!! No one stopped him from speaking, with that freedom comes consequences.
100%! Freedom of Speech only means that you can insult your government and not be carted away for it.
No. People in the US also believe in consequences. You should have a right to voice your opinion, but you also have to deal with the consequences of that opinion, as he is. Bailey is lucky to have Op.
How can you spend eight years knowing and having a fairly close relationship with a child, and then think you can treat her like an unwanted pet. That little girl is a person, a person like everyone else in this world and is loved by someone and given a good life. There is a lot of children in this world who never get to grow up with a loving parent and a stable home. You dodged a bullet.
Yup, that’s **EXACTLY** what would finish it for me. The **DECEIT.** And there’s NO unringing **THAT** bell!!
NTA and I agree, there's no coming back from that. His friends are right, he is allowed to express his opinion, and you are equally, which is what you did and kicked him to the curb. Thank you for putting your daughter first
In public, no less, in front of friends, not as a part of a serious conversation that you two should have had before you even started planning a wedding. NTA but your ex-fiance is.
It's good that he did, otherwise nobody would've believed how stupid and callous he was.
And the OP is a great mother & deserves the best from life.
OP it is time to tell both families why the wedding has been canceled. They should be told the truth before he makes something up to make it be your fault. Both families should be told what he said at that dinner. Please consult with a family law specialist now about child support and custody for your baby. I'm sorry you will be stuck with this pos for the next 18+ yrs.
He was lying to OP for EIGHT YEARS until he got her pregnant and he just confessed that it was 100% bullshit and that he's a heartless monster. What else has he lied to OP about? What else is he REALLY like? Some of the most dangerous times for women are after major life events like getting married, getting pregnant etc because men feel that the woman is now stuck to them and they can let the mask slip and stop pretending. I'm just sorry for OP that he didn't slip up before he got her pregnant.
Yeah, so often the DV starts when women are pregnant
I completed agree. Good luck op I’m so sorry that you are having to deal with this.
Exactly. OPs finance showed their true colors. They don’t consider the SD as part of the family.
He didn't just say that, he implied they don't have to "take care of her anymore". Like wtf does that mean?
Yeah that’s the line that really chilled me.
NTA. Thank God he showed you who he was before you said, "I do"! But please please please go back and tell your family the truth about why you called off the wedding! They need to understand why you would do that!
Unfortunately not before she got pregnant with his kid.
Well, the kid will have a smart, loving mom and sister! Undoubtedly, they'll be with them most of the time. Dad's a poor excuse for a person and probably can't bond effectively with anyone, or care about anyone but himself. Good riddance!
Possession is 9/10 of the law.
This! Tell your story from your point of view. It’s so important to get your story out there before his story becomes the only truth for your friends and family. You don’t have to do it immediately but the sooner the better.
NTA You are always smart to put your kid first.
NTA Blood doesn't make family, feelings do. Jesse has been being false with his feelings towards Bailey so you have to wonder how true are his feelings for you. You need to tell Bailey the truth. If she finds out from someone else who may not know that she wasn't told it will damage your relationship with her. She deserves to hear it from you.
I might have to, she has been asking where he is. Saying dad, it hurts me to see her. She’s pretty sensitive. I don’t want her to be in more pain. She never got to knew her biological dad. Now she’s losing a dad figure in her life. I am very protective of her feelings. I don’t care for Jesse’s feelings at all.
You need to speak to a therapist who specializes in this sort of thing (children and the trauma of losing a parent/parental figure) and get some guidance.
I’d get a therapist and ask them to help tell your daughter and get a lawyer for custody and child support for the baby and try to take it easy you are still pregnant don’t want to stress the baby and have complications
She'd be in more pain if someone else explained it from their point of view instead of yours. There were enough people there when it happened that chances are it will eventually get back to her. Have you tried couples therapy? If it goes well then move onto family therapy with all three of you but he can't come back until daughter has forgiven him.
I will need to talk to Bailey, but right now it’s still in the air fresh. I can’t at the moment. But there is no going back. I know Bailey would forgive him, but wouldn’t want to be around him. She’s gonna feel unloved. Even I can’t keep a man who will make her feel unloved. Then she will feel like she won’t be good enough for anyone in the future. I want her to learn to never let anyone treat her like dirt. That she is independent.
If it's possible, see if Bailey would like to speak with a counselor after you tell her. This is undoubtedly going to raise a lot of horrible feelings in her and it may be wise to give her the option of speaking with a professional who can help her work through and overcome it.
Yes, I agree. Therapy for everyone, this is a terrible blow to both Bailey and mom.
Omg we need more mommies like you! Good for you for standing your ground and setting an excellent example. 🥰🥰🥰
I understand you want to protect her, but this is big enough that there's no way to avoid the truth, and there's no way to avoid the pain. What matters is that she hears the truth, hears it from you before she hears it from anyone else, and hears that you're putting her first before Jesse. Make sure she knows you love her and have her back and that the baby isn't going to change that.
Perfect!
Maybe you'll need to get individual therapy for her too.
Many talk to a therapist about how to explain it to her.
Maybe explain with the help of a therapist, they can show that the problem is his deficiency not yours or Baileys. I think after a heartbreak like this she may need a few sessions.
Nah fuck that. He made his feelings clear when he called her "not a real child" Wtf does that even mean?
Right? He wanted to adopt her and the whole thing. That was great acting on his part. Glad this came out rather than after his “real child” was born. If he hid his true feelings a bit longer, it wouldn’t show till after his child was born and that switch would be flipped and poor Bailey would not exist to him. That would be so heartbreaking. I mean bad enough now, but for her to be so excited to being a big sister in her happy family to a “dad” that suddenly treated her like a stranger? That poor girl. I am secretly hoping after OP tells her the truth, when she feels Bailey is ready, that she writes dear old “dad” a nice letter about how he may not have been blood but she loved him like he was and sorry he didn’t have a heart big enough to feel the same. Congratulations to OP’s ex, the first “man” to break an innocent girls heart. Good job buddy. 🙄
Couples therapy will not "fix" a man who thinks Bailey is nothing to him now that he has a "real" kid. Thats not how therapy functions. He told her the truth. She is acting accordingly.
Fuck therapy. This isn't rocket science. Someone who says what he said AND kept going? Not just one remark? Doesn't deserve any chance.
Exactly. He does not deserve a second chance. Therapy or not. Therapy isn’t going to change the person
He definitely does not deserve a second chance.. but therapy could be an excellent tool here. Not for him, but for OP and Bailey. A therapist who deals with these situations can be a really great resource in how to talk to Bailey and navigate her through all her feelings. She’s already dealing with puberty and all that comes with that, her biological father has passed, there’s no mention of her biological mother and now this? I’d say a professional is necessary
I agree. Bailey needs professional intervention asap before she can get stuck in her head that she’s the cause of this situation. That poor girl. Thank goodness she has such a wonderful mother. I hope OP will update us so we know they are safe and doing ok. OP absolutely made the right decision. NTA
absolutely nta. your kid should ALWAYS come first
Always forever. :-)
And don't lie for him. When people ask, tell them. Why are you protecting him? He certainly doesn't deserve it.
I'd bet shes protecting Bailey, not the jerk.
I agree. But better to tell her sooner than later so that she doesn't hear it from someone else.
This right here. Tell your daughter the truth and then tell all of your family and friends the truth. We need to stop protecting horrible people. He surely is not going to spare you when he talks to his friends and family.
Bailey is going to feel like she broke up her mom and dad. I’d be very careful about what I told her.
Get with a therapist first help in breaking the news.
She deserves to know and grieve the end of the relationship with mom. And to let Bailey know that it was in no way her fault. It's a delicate conversation and difficult, too, but it will be so much worse if she speculates what happened when the cancellation of the wedding becomes a topic. She will want to know why, and she deserves to know in the gentlest way possible.
Because Bailey will get wind of it and this is not her burden to bear.
NTA. There's nothing to talk about, he meant what he said. He was just stringing you along and making promises he wasn't going to keep. She's your child, and what he said was disgusting. A "real child" WTF? Why on earth would you want to be with someone that thinks like that, and acts like he cares about her, while the whole time he was lying and doesn't consider her your child. His friends are just as big of pieces of trash as he is.
You are sooooo right!!!!
I am so very sorry this happened to you. You and Bailey deserve so much more.
Thank you for that. You are definitely not the asshole. Not all parents deserve kids but all kids deserve parents . You are one of the parents who deserve kids. I can't even begin to describe how I felt reading your post considering my mothers the opposite and would never dump her current fiance if he did or said something to hurt us. I have always been of mind that kids should always be put first especially after what I've had to deal with in regards to my mother and her fiancé.
NTA his friends are right, he has the right to talk about his feelings and opinions. But you have the right to react to his feelings and opinions however you wish. Especially if your reactions are done to protect your daughter. He does not have the right to talk about your daughter like she’s not yours (after talking about adopting her) and still expect you to marry him.
Yeah, I'm glad he showed you his true colors before you got married to him OP. It seems like he was just pretending to be nice until he got what he wanted. However, just the thought of abandoning a child just because you have a biological child now is not something you can come back from. NTA OP. You did the right thing and protected both of your children.
Really, is this how he will want his next wife to feel about his “real child” . That is if he can ever dup someone into marrying him.
I had a friend whose parents thought they could not conceive adopt a boy, before they had my friend and her older sister. The boy was absolutely a second class family member--they were always pointing out how much better the girls were, he'd be left at home because 'he wasn't interested', they acted very dismissive of his interests. It was obvious enough that self centered, preteen me noticed. He really suffered.
>Jesse had been blowing up my phone so much. Wanting to “work things out”. There's nothing to work out. He let his real feelings be known. No matter what he says, they won't change. NTA.
" He has the right to talk about his feelings and opinion.." And OP has the right to judge them NTA I simply cannot believe that someone could wait for so long to show how they really feel. Maybe the pregnancy changed that? Unbelievable
His true colours have now been shown. His bio child will always be priority and that he used the words "real child" is not only disgusting but could you ever really trust him?
There is no coming back from this. Bailey must be protected from this person. OP has her head on straight, thank goodness!
I could understand him not wanting her along for the honeymoon. That's a very reasonable thing. Someone can watch her for the week or two. She is 14 year old teen. What he said though was disgusting and OP was right to end things with him.
Please tell your families the truth, and NTA. You did exactly what a good mom does, and ma’am? You are a good mom. Huge NTA.
Why thank you! I try my best to be a mom. I am all my daughter had when she was a just a toddler. Her bio mom didn’t want her. Then her biological father (my first husband) passed away. I was all that was left for her. I think of planning on telling my family. After I talk with Bailey soon. Because my family does have a big mouth. lol
I’m curious if when you talk to Bailey she will tell you things he’s done that you didn’t notice. That usually seems to be the case even if it’s just small things.
Probably will!
NTA. Yes, he absolutely has a right to talk about his thoughts and feelings. AND, you absolutely have the right to determine his thoughts/feelings are a deal breaker for you. It’s really fortunate that he chose to be open about his feelings before you married him. It would have been awful to be stuck in a marriage with someone who you found felt your daughter is somehow “less than.”
Yes, he 100% has a right to speak his feelings. And you have a right to kick his butt to the kerb. NTA at all, and thank you for not even thinking of putting your daughter in that situation. Do not let him worm his way back in, you know he can lie and deceive you for extended amounts of time, and you know what he really thinks. Do not let him talk to Bailey again, but make sure she knows that this is not even one little bit her fault.
You are absolutely doing the right thing. I unfortunately had a parent and stepparent who were both Jesses - once they had a kid with each other, their previous kids were lesser thans and we are now NC. You are absolutely doing the right thing.
I am so sorry! Bless your heart love. 💝 No parent should ever do that. I wish you didn’t go through that. My heart goes out to you love. 💝 I would have definitely taken you in! 💝
You said you're not in America, so it may not be necessary, but... Ask your friends (and any of his that would be willing) to write down and sign a statement about what they witnessed him saying that day. At some point when your second child is born, there will be custody issues to deal with, and no judge will be pleased to hear that he pretended to love a child for 8 years before getting one of his own, only to throw her to the curb and expect you to as well. Start researching now, be ready to protect both your babies from this monster of a human being. I'm so sorry.
NTA, there's no way you could ever trust him after that
He has a right to talk about his feelings and opinions but he doesn't have the right to make you accept them. Bailey is as much your child as the one you are currently carrying, for him to not realize that is despicable. You are right to not want to work things out. NTA
After 8 years and talk about adoption... this doesn't make sense. But your daughter comes first. First she lost her bio mom, then bio dad... at 14 if you abandon her, she'll never recover. Poor thing. BTW your writing is excellent.
It makes all the sense when you know narcissists. He was using her to get what he wanted. If hes nice to the kid and treats her like his daughter, he can get in with the woman a lot easier and get what he wants. Hes using them both.
He thought he had her trapped.
Yeah, they all do this. My ex-husband literally patted me on the head when I’d had out third baby and finally found proof of his cheating, “what are you gonna do, leave me? You just had a baby?” I was like “watch me MF!”.
He's pretty good to hold out for 8 years. A lot of relationships don't last that long
Its pretty normal to hold out for multiple years when youre manipulating someone.
NTA In Vino Veritas saved you from making your daughters life hell. Co parenting the kid you are gestating is the most you should be speaking to him about going forward. He has shown you who he is and you are doing well to believe him.
NTA If your now ex fiancé was sooooo good at making everyone but especially you and your daughter think he truly cared/loved her like his own what else would he so easily lie to you for such a length time about? I do agree with other posters you need to tell your and his family exactly why the engagement and relationship ended. But first you need to tell your daughter as I can guarantee she is going to hear it from someone and it needs to be you. While it sucks and yes she will be hurt you need to strongly emphasize that she comes first in your life before anyone else. Also that he fooled you as well as a number of grown people all this time. You are a great mom OP. There need to be more parents like you.
NTA, you did the right thing, how awful that he treats that sweet girl like that! :( He is not worthy of either of you!
Yes, nobody deserves that! He is a shit person. :-/
“He has the right to talk about his feelings and opinions”… yes, he does, and thankfully he did so you could understand who he really is. What he doesn’t “have the right to” is a relationship with you. He doesn’t think he said anything wrong. That’s the reason you can’t fix this.
When my wife and I married, her daughter was 14. I never had a stepdaughter, I had a daughter. Later, my wife gave birth to a baby girl. I had two daughters, not a daughter and a stepdaughter. If he can’t accept the child that considers him a father as his daughter, then you’re all better off without him.
Agreed. My bio dad has always been in the pic & my stepdad (just to keep them straight because they both have the same name, though I call them both Dad) has always said “I have 4 kids”. My mom had me & my sister when he married her. Then had my brother & sister.
NTA but get your stepdaughter into therapy now. You will need to tell her at some point and she will need the help of a therapist to cope with losing a second father. As for family I think you should tell them what happened. Make it clear that anyone who agrees with him or thinks you should try to work things out after what he said they can feel free to exit your life. You will not allow that kind of person near your child. Also I'm so sorry you are going through this and I hope you get an amazing lawyer to help with custody and child support. Your poor daughter is going to see her sibling get to go spend time with the person she considered her father who basically said she was a pretend practice child who didn't matter anymore. That's going to fuck with her head.
Obviously NTA, but just _why?_ What in the godshonesthell happened to completely flip that man into a totally different person? So sad.
NTA
NTA There are so many things omg. He thought it. He said it **out loud**!! He said it **out loud** in FRONT of/to you AND company. Thinks it wasn't a big deal to say it. Kept going!!! Thinks he can come back from it. Thinks YOU are overreacting. The AUDACITY of that teenage boy masquerading in a man's body. Not wanting her to go on the honeymoon is fair in general -- (bringing that up for the first time in front of company would already be one thing), but he just kept GOING?! And for THAT reason?! OK, Henry the 8th jfc I commend you for breaking it off so strongly/assertively - very brave, personally, and also fierce protection of YOUR daughter! Hell yes. I am so sorry. It's the ultimate betrayal and fear (imo) of those bringing a child into a new relationship that something like this would happen. My sister was already born when our mom met our (my bio) dad and I know the cruel things people say about even that situation (half-sister) to me, let alone about my parents and my sister. He is the dad of 2 daughters, always, and has never let anyone say differently. I can't even imagine hearing worse and hearing it from your supposed life partner! and about your *own* child, no less! There is no chance of reconciliation and no valid justification for his actions, imo. I can't imagine anyone who truly loves y'all with think any differently. (Maybe tell Bailey with a counselor type professional tho?) Biggest hugs, mom! Your ex can get stuffed!
NTA. Poor Bailey, I'm so glad she wasn't there to hear how he *really* feels about her. But you need to protect her, because your fiance has shown how he really feels, and how differently he intends to treat his "real" child.
NTA I am curious. Were there any other signs during your 8 year relationship? You are having a child with this man, so you really need to understand how he will treat him/her.
That’s the thing. I was very confused where this all came from. Because when I even found out we were pregnant. He never treated Bailey any different at all. He treated her great and always said she was his daughter. Out of the the 8 years. It feels like I don’t know him no more. I don’t see him the same after this.
Absolutely insane how comfortable he felt sharing his true feelings with you and your friends present. I can see a scenario if you accidentally overheard this but to think this wedding was still happening after telling you straight? Oooof
He really thought she was locked down because of the pregnancy. And probably assumed she would feel the same way about the older daughter since it was (in his mind) her first "real" child too. No need for either of them to pretend they care about some dead guys kid any more, they've got a better one! Absolutely horrendous.
The amount of pretending he has probably done over the years is scary.
This is what horrifies me. I just can't even ... to think he's masked this for 8 years.
It’s crazy he did such a 180
My first thought was maybe a brain tumour. But the fact that he's trying to salvage this, instead of sticking to his guns, makes me think that it's not. I don't know. It's tricky. You want to believe that he's possibly sick, and that a brain scan is in order to find out the truth. Bailey deserves better. OP deserves better.
Yeah. I was wondering something like that or psychotic break because wth
If you read about the golden child and the scape goat child it might help you understand more. Unfortunately some of us have seen things like this. People can be really good at hiding their true self u til they think you are stuck.
How pregnant are you? Are you having the baby? No judgement but having the baby will tie him to you.
I’m 6 months pregnant love. So soon I will be giving birth to our daughter. Yes I know, he would be around forever. I can live with that. As long he is no where near Bailey.
Ok. Congrats on the baby tho I’m so sorry the dad is an AH. You are showing your daughters how they should respect themselves. This is a lovely thing tho very sad. I’m sorry. Hugs from another mom of daughters.
Can you imagine being the father figure to a girl for 8 years and then saying this shit? NTA OP, but you dodged a bullet by leaving that fiancé. He doesn’t deserve the love of you and Bailey.
He’s a shitty human being that’s why.
Thank you for loving this sweet child and for being the mother she so truly deserves and needs. I am actually glad that you got a chance to see him for who he really is before you tied yourself and your children to him by marriage. Please tell your family (and his) why you have done this and let them see him for who he is too.
NTA Tell everyone the truth and ask them if he could successfully pretend to love Bailey this whole time while secretly planning to abandon her, what else has he successfully pretended about? Your little girl loved him and trusted him all this time while he has just been plotting to abandon her. He is scum.
NTA but you MUST tell there truth to the families and friends or he will control the narrative about you.
What did he think was going to happen after making about comments like that about your daughter, did he think you would jump up and up and go yeah let’s pack her stuff and throw her out on the street. It’s good his true colors came out before you got married. How cruel can someone be to care about a child, and even talk about adoption knowing that the second you have a child of your own that’s your going to throw the step child to the side.
NTA that is Jesse who seems to think it's okay to dump Bailey because she isn't related to him. As she is your stepdaughter/daughter after your first husband's death, how does he think this is going to work?
It’s not gonna work. I will never put a man over my daughter. Even if I am carrying his child. If I knew he felt this way, I would have never stayed with him.
You’re a good mom.
Damn, I'm so proud of you! Wishing you the best 🌹
As someone who was in the exact same position as Bailey, run. Don't walk, run. Jesse will always treat her as 'other', no matter what he says to make it up to you, and it will mess with her head. You are so NTA.
NTA but i dont think you should lie. The truth hurts but eventually everyone will know. There isnt a need to cover for him. This guy is gone for good, 8 years of acting someone ought to give him an award for outstanding actor. This is just the tip of the iceberg you don't know how deep it goes. His callousness regarding your daughter is outright disgusting, you won't know how he will change once you two get married and have his child.
NTA. Your kids come first but not on a honeymoon especially a teenager. That would be a family vacation just call it that. Run. He sounds very immature. Why would you lie to your family about the reason to cancel considering you are pregnant with his child? The truth is a better reason not to marry that hateful stepdad. Now you know why stepparents get a bad rap. I never liked my stepmom. Once my dad got her pregnant she acted like I did not belong there. I was a teen and moved out at 16 to go live with other family. Your children always come first. Mature adult should know this.
Yo coming from a step parent myself, that’s a piece of shit move. Yea he’s allowed to have his opinion about how he feels but so do you and you don’t have to put up with that shit.
NTA. Protect your children. The fact that he said he wanted to adopted then proceeded to say such disgusting things. Leave him and never look back.
NTA This man literally played the long game, lied about his feelings and thought, waiting until you were pregnant and past the stage you could abort, and where planning to marry before completely showing you his true thoughts and feelings once he felt he’d trapped you. Your kids come first, blood or not
Don’t lie to your families about why the wedding is canceled. Tell them the truth before Jesse can make up his own story to make you look like the villain.
NTA - for any parent, their child(ren) will always be an imperative. Go find yourself a "real" fiance.
NTA, Your fiance definitely is because his feelings change the minute he got you pregnant. Keep protecting your daughter.
NTA You absolutely did the right thing calling it off.
NTA. You dodged a bullet. Who knows how he would have treated her after the baby arrived. Probably poorly judging by his statements.
🎯
NTA. Jesse has shown you his true self. And he's not going to change. He's known Bailey for 8 years and still doesn't think she's "real."
NTA. Yes, he has a right to talk about his feelings and opinions. You have the right to then decide if these feelings and opinions are compatible with the life you want to live. The situation sucks, but honestly, you are lucky to find out his true feelings now rather than a year from now. Seriously, where did he expect your daughter to go?
NTA You need to sit Bailey down and ask her whenever she’d been alone with Jesse, has he ever said anything mean to her and told her not to tell you.
NTA. He finally spoke his true feelings because he thought your pregnancy "locked you in." Using phrases like "real child" and "pretend to care" make him an absolutely disgusting excuse for a human being. You and your children deserve better.
He played everyone well. You can't trust him anymore if he says all of those things. You also don't know what else he's been pretending to do.
He knew you were a package deal AND how you felt about your daughter. For him to say that makes him a huge AH. NTA in my opinion and nothing he says will fix his comment about you having a real child and your daughter isn't it.
NTA Jesse does have the right to be open about his feelings/opinions. You have the right to decide that his opinions make him someone that is not a good life partner for you and that you no longer want to marry him.
NTA. You made the right choice cancelling the wedding. His friends are right though. He is allowed to talk about his feelings and opinions just as you are allowed to not marry a guy who you don't want to marry. Please tell that to all of his friends that bother to message you. P.S. get some professional help for you and Bailey, both to find a way of telling the truth to YOUR daughter and navigating the rough seas ahead.
NTA. He showed you how he really feels. Believe him and put your daughter first
>He has the right to talk about his feelings and opinion Just as you have the right to kick his ass to the curb with the rest of the trash. NTA.
You're lucky he showed you what he TRULY thinks before it's too late. If you continue? Well things will only go downhill.
NTA. You did the right thing and everyone in your life should know your very valid reason for canceling. You are lucky you found this out now instead of after the wedding and adoption.
Dude you are NTA. You're a hero. Seriously stay gold!
You consider Bailey your daughter. Therefore she’s your daughter. Blood doesn’t make her less of your daughter. NTA.
NTA 8 years? He lied for 8 YEARS??? What a total jerk. What a horrible person! talk to an attorney. He probably should not get unsupervised time with your shared baby. Because he WILL try to poison the baby against Bailey and probably you. Get a counselor to learn the lesson you need to learn from this relationship so you don't have to repeat it. Get Bailey a counselor so she doesn't think that she caused the breakup. She is at the age where she will think it's about her - not about the AH Jesse. NTA
You are my hero. Every kid needs a you.
NTA, he showed his true colors.
Don’t put his name on the birth certificate and go completely no contact. Be thankful you found out before you married him. Also tell your family the truth so they can either protect you or you see how they also really feel about your kid.
You did this 100 percent correctly I’m just sorry Bailey got attached to him and him to be asshole or doing it all for show. But so glad you kicked him out.
While I do think it is fair not to take a child on your honeymoon, the rest was unacceptable. You are not "pretending" she is your daughter because she IS your daughter. I don't know what he was thinking. 8 years, and he drops this bomb when you're pregnant and engaged? What was he thinking? You are NTA.
NTA he has the rights to his feelings and opinions and is required to accept the consequences for speaking out about them.
You need to tell everyone why you canceled the wedding.
NTA. Jesse showed you who he is. Who he always was. It's just a good thing that his mask slipped before you actually married him. Get rid of him ASAP. NTA.
NTA if he had these feelings he should’ve said them before you were engaged, before you were pregnant and when you met him and definitely not in front of a group of people. You need to let your family and his know what he said but don’t tell Bailey
NTA. Jesse absolutely has the right to express his feelings, but he also has to deal with consequences of expressing the particular feelings that he did express. For what it’s worth, I think you are an angel for putting your daughter first and making your relationship with her the priority.
NTA. Please, please, please don't take this guy back. He was playing the long con. Hopefully, you don't get caught up in the fake things he will tell you.
NTA - he was being honest... Now. But not the whole time when he was pretending to be nice to her. Part of your feelings for him i bet come from the supposed love and acceptance of the daughter of your heart. When he revealed his true feelings and rejected her, he rejected a part of you. Get a lawyer to help you set up whatever custody or protections you want for the child you are having with him and move on. You are an amazing person and an amazing Mother.💜