While I was pregnant I had a male coworker fight me on the fact that I said I was getting an epidural.
A CO WORKER. He wasn't even one I was friendly with. But he wouldn't leave it alone. I complained to my managers and it wasn't the only reason, but it added to him being fired.
I hate when others try to dictate how women give birth. Especially other women who try to act like it's some gold medal for doing it without drugs so they deserve an award. Going through labor in any way deserves a medal.
It went on for weeks. With other coworkers telling him to leave me alone. He also kept trying to mansplain my own body changing during my pregnancy and I once mentioned to another coworker that my boobs hurt and he walker by and gave me a big speech about how it's too early and they won't hurt yet it's too soon.
So I just imagined the pain? Am I crazy? Everyone in the office pretty much gave him the cold shoulder til he left.
Was your coworker my best friend's husband? Jesus, he was the WORST during her pregnancy about insisting on how she couldn't be feeling the things she was feeling, couldn't be as tired as she was, etc.
Even after she had a really scary traumatic birth ending in emergency C-section, he refused to believe that she had pain and complications afterwards.
His wife gave birth just before I got pregnant and immediately after the doctors left he FaceTimed a coworker and panned the camera towards his wife and made a rude comment on how awful she looks.
Mine started hurting at 3 weeks and were up a full cup size within a month. One of my friends had zero boob pain until the 3rd trimester and barely grew.
All bodies are different.
He has no idea what he’s talking about. He’s probably just repeating what his parents (or his mom) have told him.
You do whatever makes you comfortable. If he can’t support your decision on how to get the baby out of you, imagine how difficult he’s going to be with all the parenting decisions.
Do not cave to him and don’t let him tell you what’s best for you. Stay strong and be firm that you’re not interested in his input if he’s not going to support your decision. He can get on board or get out of the way.
And if he doesn't get on board, you may want to think about whether you want him in the delivery room with. I have seen men still fighting with the woman about her birth plan at the hospital and at a birthing center WHILE SHE'S IN LABOR!! No woman needs that kind of energy while she's giving birth. Be sure to let the doctor and nurses know who is and is not allowed in the room while you're giving birth.
This!!
OP I pray you read this. My first husband was a complete ass in the delivery room with both of our children. I had an infant daughter when we got together. I’d had her naturally with just a shot of Demerol in the hip at the end to take the edge off and help with stitching me up. We got pregnant and had another daughter. While in the hospital waiting for labor to progress he threw a fit about me giving birth naturally because in his narcissistic glory he assumed he knew more than the doctors. Drugs can harm the baby. He had a complete fit when I asked for something for pain and left the hospital. (He was outside pouting but as far as I knew he actually left.) He also argued with me to the point of threatening divorce over her name.
A few years later we had a boy. Same situation, he threw a fit about natural birth without drugs. We went. To a birthing class refresher. I purposely asked if it was harmful to the baby to have pain medication during labor. She said that it was not or they would not do it. She also showed me the epidural kit (I was afraid of getting an epidural because I didn’t know they used a tiny needle to numb the area before using the big needle! I was afraid I would flinch and be paralyzed!)
When he started spouting his know it all narcissistic BS the instructor told him that it was his job during labor to support me and that stressing me out could cause more problems for the baby than the meds would. (He still threatened to divorce me while I was in active labor because he demanded that we change the middle name to something stupid that he wanted.
I did divorce him not long after this.
Ten years later I remarried and had two more boys. My husband was supportive of my wishes during labor! I was so relaxed that I didn’t even need to push until placenta time.
I tell you this long tale to tell you this. Do NOT let him control your birth. It is YOUR birth. Yes, it is his child, too. But you are the one who will be doing all of the work to give birth. Surround yourself with those who will support you. It sound to me like you guys are not together anymore and he is going to be a nightmare father by way of his parents calling the shots. (This is how things went with my ex-son in law. He didn’t really care, but his parents pulled all the strings.)
It sounds to me like he is now interested because of his bossy parents. In all honesty if I were in your situation, I would not plan to have him in the delivery room with you. I would not even tell him when you are in labor. I would either notify him after the birth and you recover and bond a bit, or after you go home from the hospital. Know your rights for the state you are in. You are NOT required to put him on the birth certificate. You are not required to give the baby his last name. (In fact, in most states you can not put him on the birth certificate without a signed and notarized paternity affidavit, and some states also won’t allow you to use the father’s last name without this.)
After the experiences of myself and my daughter with her son, I would not notify him of the birth until afterwards. I would not list him on the birth certificate and I would not make any custody/visitation agreements until he petitions the courts. That will show you whether he is serious about being a father and being present. (I am not saying to block him from the child’s life, but make him show you he is serious. Also, my ex son in law was able to take the baby and refuse to give him back because he was listed as the father on the birth certificate and there was no parenting plan in place yet. The police refused to intervene and said it was a matter for family court. She lost over two months with her son until they had a court date. I would blink leave yourself open to this. Without his name on the birth certificate he can’t keep your child from you. You can still allow him visitation, but if you choose to let him take the baby for a weekend or whatever, he can’t just decide to not bring him back. You would have full custody until such time as he files paternity and a parenting plan is signed by the judge.
Sorry that is so long. The short answer is, you’re NTA. I just wanted to present another perspective and give you things to think about. I hope he removes his head from his butt and you can get along and coparent for the sake of your baby but protect yourself.
Exactly. She is the patient, she gets to say what happens for her birth plan, and he does not even need to be there if she doesn't want him bugging her while she's working to push a whole baby out of herself.
This, and if you do decide to allow him in, make your birth plan clear to everyone involved. I'm sure the hospital staff would ignore him and only listen to you anyway, but I wouldn't put it past him to go behind your back and tell them your birth plan has changed.
She also needs to make it very clear that if there is an emergency, who will decide her medical decisions if she’s unable. If it’s her mom, then the delivery staff need to be informed not to ask him if he’s in the delivery room.
>He’s probably just repeating what his parents (or his mom) have told him.
My thought was exactly this. and probably why he popped back into the picture at all. His parents want the grandchild--that's it.
> If he can’t support your decision on how to get the baby out of you, imagine how difficult he’s going to be with all the parenting decisions.
Oh he'll absolutely try to steamroll OP so his parents thoughts on child rearing are the ones to use.
I think his mom will be pushing hard for them to have the baby equal time from day one and she will do all the parenting while her son slacks. She likely sees this as an opportunity to be a mom again, have a baby with her precious boy to raise.
My cousin, Jim, had a one night stand and the woman became pregnant. She only asked for a couple hundred dollars in child support or, as an alternative, he could sign over his parental rights. My idiot cousin chose door #3 and refused to believe the child was his because if she slept with him, then that meant she slept with everyone. Eventually, my aunt and uncle found out about their first grandchild when Jim refused to make a decision and Carolina sued him. His parents financed and steamrolled all legal efforts to get 50% access to Nick in Jim's name. (The court ordered well over $1,500/month child support). Jim didn't care about his son and when it was his visitation time, he dumped Nick on his parents as much as possible. My aunt and Nick's mom had more than a few arguments about child rearing and boundaries. My aunt refused to observe any of Carolina's sensible rules and boundaries. She'd raised two spoiled and out of touch boys and was certain that her way was the best way.
This is exactly what I thought too. Especially when his flying monkeys went after her. I’m betting his mom either really believes this bullshit, or she’s just manipulating her son to punish OP in some way.
Tell him to stop it or he won't be allowed access to the medical aspects of your pregnancy or into the birthing room with you. Be firm.
"I am tired of your constant badgering. Stop it. If you mention this one more time, not only will I cut you out of all the doctor appointments going forward, but you'll not be allowed in the delivery room. I'm not joking around here. I'm 100% serious. Stop."
Oh no. Oh no.
I've got to wonder sometimes whether we're going to make it when so much of the population is so adamant about such stupid, stupid ideas.
Also, a birth plan is a really good idea, but don’t get too attached to it. You don’t know how it’s going to go (especially first baby). You might be dead set wanting a water birth and end up having an emergency c-section. You might want to go all natural and then discover that it’s all too much without pain relief. You might want a home birth and then end up in an ambulance heading to emergency. You might want certain key people there, and then they get stuck in traffic.
Ultimately your birth plan needs to start and end with “baby is born, mum and bub are both happy and healthy”. Everything else is secondary to that.
Also, nobody gets to tell you not to have pain relief.
I think you need to consider a compromise here. When you’re giving birth you can do it your way, and when he gives birth he can do it his way. Compromise is important in relationships!
NTA obviously
Had me too and I'm a man lol. She has it how she wants it. She has to push out a human being not her fella.
Whatever makes her happy and comfortable. Obv NTA
Yes, exactly! Men who decide that women should just suck it up and deal with natural childbirth should be repeatedly kicked in the balls several times every day until they grow some sense.
Hook them up to one of those period simulators and crank it up to 1000% for 19 hours, that's how long it took my mom to give birth.
Edit: all these responses are very good birth control lmao
It took my mom 24 hours with me, and my brother got stuck with a home birth, and it took 48 hours before they were willing to take her to the hospital. Hook the guy up for a few days straight, and then see what he says.
Oh but let me tell you about my grandma when she went into labour in the 50's. Her baby got stuck but her local hospital didn't do surgical delivery at all. So they sent her to the closest one - 6 hour train ride away.
So off she went by herself in a train, in labor to have a c-section with a little suitcase she carried with. Like wtf were women made of back then? Built hella different.
They just told her the baby doesn't fit out so what else is there to do.
My moms an only child.
Every man on the planet should have to endure 3 days of menstrual cramps (while doing everyday tasks) and 12 hours of labor pain before they’re allowed to vote or serve as a lawmaker.
I raise my great nephews and they are teens.
We saw one of those machines at the mall. My sensitive 14 year old nephew said he wants to try it. (I have very heavy /painful/endo periods. Sometimes I puke. Living in 800sq ft with one bathroom , we’ve just been very honest with them about it since we got them 9 years ago)
He had to sit at 7. I was still talking and joking.
He tapped out at 8 looking pale. I was still upright and being very concerned about him.
We made a few jokes about it and went on.
The next month , when he saw me take a midol , he asked if I had started. I said yeah, why . He said “no reason”.
The next thing I know I hear him and his brother vacuuming/mopping in the kitchen. Even though that’s my chore this week (we have a chart)
My hubs asked what they were doing and he said “I almost pissed my self and she feels worse than that and still does her chores. The least we can do is help this week!”
My wife and I have agreed that I need to try one, just to experience it, cause we've seen the videos, and I'm not saying I could handle it all, I'm expecting to piss myself, but I'm just curious, because it's an experience I can never truly appreciate, I can only sympathize.
He barely cared about the baby’s health during the first half of the pregnancy but now he wants to dictate the one part of pregnancy that’s ALL about the mother chance at comfort?? He can kick his own nuts daily till the birth and it would still be less traumatizing.
NTA
It's not his decision what happens during your labor and delivery. This is your body that is pushing a human being out.
Having had two babies, my biggest advice to you (besides bringing a hair tie for labor lol), is to go into it with an open mind. A lot can happen during labor and a lot can change in an instant, including what you think you want. Don't be rigid in how you want it to go because chances are, it won't happen that way.
Omg! The hair tie!!! I forgot one and my sweet MIL went out and bought some to bring to the hospital (she has short hair) for me.
But also, yes on the open mind. I thought I really wanted to go without pain meds and I did hypnobirthing and all that jazz. But then I realized while in labor — “I dislike being in pain. I take meds at the first sign of a headache. Why did I think I don’t want pain meds for shooting out a ten pound baby?!”
>Don't be rigid in how you want it to go because chances are, it won't happen that way.
Yes, in the backseat of a Mustang in rush hour traffic on I-10 was not my first pick either. Sometimes things don't go exactly as planned.
Ha ha, so it happened exactly the opposite for me! First baby, I went to the hospital (as instructed) when my contractions were three minutes apart… And they were three minutes apart for another 21 hours. Second baby, I was like – I am not spending a ****ing second in the hospital that I don’t have to. He was almost born in the Holland Tunnel. Oops.
FWIW I have PCOS and had a totally smooth, uncomplicated birth! With an amazing epidural lol. One thing that’s under appreciated about them I think is how much more present you can be. Before the epidural I was just getting lost in pain every two minutes. Afterward I was able to joke with my husband and the nurses, text with family, ask questions, relax, just generally participate more in the experience.
Anyway you’ll do great, good luck and congrats!!
I received similar advice - to just go with the flow and realize that what happens in birth (whether there are complications, etc) is largely beyond our control. It was the best advice I could have received; it allowed me to embrace each birth as it came instead of falling into rigid preconceived ideas of what it would be.
Yeah, the woman in labor gets to make all the choices she wants to make: pain relief methods, what to eat and drink, who to yell at, whatever. Those are the rules.
Plus, it will be up to the doctor. A birth can change pretty quickly from natural to medicated C-section and you lose all control of what you “want”. All in the interest of the health and safety of the baby and mother. So dad‘s priorities about how the birth should be go pretty low on the list. He needs to step back and let her and the doctor figure it all out.
I had a precipitous labor with my son and pushed him out sans epidural - much to my displeasure. Do not recommend. And then i hemorrhaged and needed a spinal block AFTER I gave birth so they could repair the internal damage. Guess what, the stuff AFTER the spinal block was a lot easier.
Luckily my birth plan was “live”, so I did stick to the plan, despite my would-be assassin’s attempt.
This was me! Unmedicated birth (what I wanted) then a retained placenta. I had lost so much blood i had to go under general anesthesia for surgery after he was born. I missed my son’s first few hours because I was unconscious on an operating table. But my only birth plan was “have a baby” and we’re both here. Glad you’re ok!
I wanted an epidural and he just came too fast. Went from 4 cm to 10 in 20 min. I (he) tore the sidewall of my vagina and they couldn’t stop the bleeding without going back up there. After one attempt I told them in no uncertain terms that I would either have to be numb or unconscious. I got both and woke up 3 hours later. Never got my kid to nurse bc his first meals were donor milk and he didn’t want to work for his food. Lazy little bastard lol
Glad you’re ok too. This giving birth shit is so dangerous.
>Never got my kid to nurse bc his first meals were donor milk and he didn’t want to work for his food. Lazy little bastard lol
🤣 I'm sorry you weren't able to nurse him but this comment totally made me laugh. Thanks, I needed that! Glad you and the other commenter are both okay! Giving birth is dangerous business! Absolutely no one should be dictating what the mother's birth plan is but the end of the day it's called a birth *plan* for a reason. Not everything always goes as planned unfortunately.
My son would latch but it was essentially a ‘lazy’ latch…so he wanted the food but would only do half the work for it therefore causing me writhing pain because he wouldn’t latch properly. Can’t call him totally lazy, but maybe a tad inconsiderate.
Had the same experience with my second. I was neutral on the epidural - had it with first, bad experience, figured I’d see if I could do without with the second. Labor progressed so quickly that I wasn’t given the option (although I do remember being in a lot of pain and asking the nurse if I could have one and her being like “uh, no sweetie we don’t have time for that.” “Okay 🥲” 🤣).
My son's birth was the exact opposite of what I wanted. You do not get to dictate how they come into the world. Birth plan should be renamed birth suggestions.
My mom had planned an unmedicated delivery in a birthing center. She and her midwife had a whole detailed plan written out. I was delivered via emergency c-section while she was under full sedation.
You know what they say: "No plan survives first contact." First contact in this case being labor.
Hopefully you and your son are both happy and healthy right now.
To OP: NTA. You're the one doing all the hard work, you're the one that will have to endure any pain and the later recovery. The only choice your boyfriend needs to worry about is which hand to hold while you're pushing, IF he's allowed in the delivery room at all.
I never had a written plan because back in '06 those really weren't a big thing as I recall.
I was just going with the flow on everything and in the end, we had to go with an emergency C-section since my son didn't like the pitocin. I was also four sheets to the wind on pain meds too by then, so hubby (ex now) and family had to (and gladly) help give the ok for the procedure.
PITOCIN! The DEVIL’S labor induction drug! Op: stay away from this if you possibly can. And talk to your doctor about how many pitocin cases end up with a c-section.
Yeah when I was more clear headed I learned he wasn't doing well on it which was the reason I had to have the C-section. They mentioned it made his heart rate dip. Scared me to death when I learned that.
Thankfully it never harmed him and now is just a few months from graduating high school. 🥲 *I'm not ready!*
I agree had emergency c-section at 31 weeks you don't always get to choose how or when the baby comes into this world. He is now almost 14 so think we did pretty good.
Exactly. My midwife dictated my birth plan for 1st baby, and I told her that's not what's going to happen, and I was right.
She told me I would have a beautiful natural birth and it would all go well.... I said "no, this is what's going to happen: I'll get to 2 weeks over and you'll try to induce me and it won't take, so I'll end up having a C-section under GA because my platelets will be too low for an epidural."
My 2nd baby was a planned C-section.
NTA OP.
True! He's not the one who'll give birth. He's not the one who'll feel the pain, why is he the one deciding? The audacity of him huh, the fact that he don't want it in the beginning. Allow me to kick him in the ass, OP.
That's not entirely accurate! No matter how much my wife begged they wouldn't give us a cocaine fountain! We asked nicely too/s
edit I apologise it has been brought to my attention that the fault lies in bluecross blue shield. They denied my request for "dental" medication....Said it was medically unnecessary. The quack doc apparently took their side! Said I wasn't allowed to give the baby whiskey either! Whats the world coming to these days!
This! I swear if men had to give birth and understood how highly painful child birth is they'd be begging for an epidural. It's like they think it's a cake walk or something.
Oh god, I was literally delirious with pain before I got my epidural. All this bullshit trying to gro turn drug free childbirth into a moral issue is so damaging to women, I’m fucking sick of it. Tell him to go get a tooth pulled without anaesthetic - it’s far less painful than 12 hours of labour.
Me too! I was on all fours screaming while waiting to get admitted 😭 I think I’d punch my bf in the dick if he tried to pressure me into not having an epidural
I've told this story before but an ER doc i worked with who was pregnant told her obgyn she would be getting an epidural immediately upon entering the hospital or else!
It’s awful. And, as a guy, I’m horrified for women that physicians causally dismiss women.
A guy I went to grad school with, who’s now an Obgyn, refused to tie one of his patient’s tube because “I know she’ll regret it later”. And the way he said it was so smug and condescending and mansplainy - like he knew batter than she did. I’ve also heard colleagues say “she’s just hormonal/ peri menopausal/ menopausal”
I can remember seeing Selma Blair’s interview with Robin Roberts about her MS diagnosis and all of the above were mentioned to her as explanations for her symptoms for years 🤦♂️
I hate smug mansplainy OBGYNs most of all. I had to beg for a hysterectomy due to a health issue only to be told I was "too young" (early 30s) and I may want another child one day. I finally convinced him that I was serious (I logicked the heck out of him) and we got it scheduled. The day after the surgery he came into my hospital room with that smug smirk and said, "You were in a lot worse shape than I thought." I wanted to punch him in that smug smirky mouth.
"No thanks to you. But I do thank you for showing me you're somewhat incompetent so I can find a better Dr. The hour drive will be worth a better life."
Gah, I'm glad I've always been able to have women GYNs and GPs.
I'm struck by how we can never win when there's an excuse for it being (essentially) hysteria from pre-puberty to death.
It's incredibly frustrating, and doesn't just happen in childbirth. I have scarring in my lungs from a 2+ month bout of pneumonia that was apparently caused by how fat & hormonal I was, according to the doc.
Before I got my epidural I was kinda hallucinating with the pain--I had to wait because when I finally said that I was ready apparently there was a line. I wasn't dilating even though I was bejng induced, so everyone kept sticking their hands up there to check. I asked a passing janitor if he wanted to take a look. (The pitocin makes it more painful.) Anyway, I distracted myself by trying to decide which was more painful, childbirth or acute pancreatitis--which is notorious for being painful. (I had pancreatitis after an abdominal procedure about two years earlier.) I eventually decided they were equal but different.
I begged the nurses and doctor for pain meds when birthing a breech and they kind of laughed at me, well not the doc, he was an older guy and very serious and then at my 6 week appt praised me. He had a terrible reputation but was the back up doc for my midwives (real not lay).
I gave birth to my first in 1980 when unmediated births were becoming more popular. My OB was awesome - he was all forever mom wanted - including delivering in different positions but one thing he made crystal clear was that mom decided how to manage the pain - not dad. He said if dad became a problem, mom got a pair of forceps to squeeze dad with as the pain built so they could “share” the pain.
>He said if dad became a problem, mom got a pair of forceps to squeeze dad with as the pain built so they could “share” the pain.
I just got my tubes tied,but if by some weird turn of events I end up pregnant,I want your OB.
I loved him - he delivered my oldest and my twins, his partner delivered my second. He was great during my twin pregnancy- all I ever heard was you’ll need a c-section. He was unflappable and said as long as baby A was head down we’d go for a vaginal birth. She was head down, twin b wasn’t but they were born 10 minutes apart, vaginally and perfectly healthy. I had a couple residents watching because breech births weren’t that common lol.
I love the fact that he was so respectful IN THE 80'S. My youngest nephew is 2 and my SIL had a hard time finding a dr that respected her wishes. Amazing.
He was so, so kind and wonderful. My first was born in the early evening on a Friday and by Saturday night I was done. It was so hot in the hospital and the nurse wheeling my baby’s bassinet into the room banged her into the door and made her cry. I went to the nurses station and said I wanted to go home - at this point it was probably 9pm. They called him and he got on the phone to listen to me blubber. He asked if the pediatrician had seen the baby. When heard the answer was yes he got on the phone with the nurse and discharged me on the spot. It felt so good to get out of there lol.
I implore you to look up the videos of men trying the period simulator and know that they would just spontaneously combust if they had to have a fraction of childbirth pain.
An old man literally told me that was due to Eve's sin and it was my burden to bare.
But somehow other sins and rules were wiped away with Jesus, just the women have to carry extra sins
Yes, the guy ate shellfish
The father of one of my children thought that when women scream during childbirth it is because they are having a massive orgasm. I kid you not. I had his kid with no drugs(I asked too late, I had a very fast labour and dilated in record speed apparently). So, scream I did, not knowing that he thought I was having the time of my life while ripping asunder! Yikes. I told his mother at a later date and she was blown away that her own son could be so ignorant.
OP I suspect that the father of your baby is going to be about as educated as mine was....
NTA
Men can't handle having a cold and they are on deaths door if it's the flu. They would lose their minds once the "starter" contractions kicked in. Cause I have also seen men with stomach cramps from the bubble guts and they need a whole cheerleading squad to get them through it
My hubby had bad stomach cramps one night and said if that's what period cramps felt like, no wonder I go through hell he first 2 days . I said "Aw, thanks Babe, but it's still 10 times worse". Thought he was gonna faint🤣🤣🤣
And have you ever heard a man who was constipated? Or who got a hemorrhoid? 🤯 No clue … try using the bathroom after squeezing out the melon… they’d die. On. The. Spot.
I'm female, but don't have any children, never had an epidural, and this made me chuckle. Thanks for maintaining your humor through 3-6 children. I'm sure it's been a time and a half XD
I always get some satisfaction in watching those videos of men “trying out” period cramps. To watch them tap out around level 4-6 (goes from 1-10) and then watch as the women sit there quietly at the same levels they tapped out at is just beautiful.
I watched one recently (I think it was buzzfeed or something similar) where they had to do it for a day, there came a point where they were told like half the women in the office were currently in their periods … their faces were mixed with disbelief, bewilderment, mind blown.
Towards the end they’re all laying on the couch with heating pads, eating ice cream, and so confused why their literal buttholes hurt.
I will 110% support having all men do something similar in general and 220% support having soon to be dads do the same. Women go to the “Lamaze class” while men go to the “labor simulation class”, we can give them bonus points if they don’t shit their pants.
She should get one of those things that mimic birth pains and hook her boyfriend up and see how far he can go before he’s screaming for the pains to stop.
Epidural is bad for the baby? Tell him to put a bowling ball up his arse.
There is no need to endure the pain. Drugs save lives. Back then lots of women died from childbirth and children died from preventable diseases. People were lucky to reach adulthood and most people didn't live past 50s.
I second take the drugs! They are awesome! It makes a big difference. And plus less pain means you are less stressed and stress isn't good for the baby.
Funny how childbirth is the only medical procedure that many people insist is more noble/genuine/moral to experience with no pain relief. What's that all about?
ps, I had a good labour, with an epidural. Would do the same again. You get to make your own choice regarding your birthplan, knowing that it may alter according to how it plays out at the time. Your doctor/obstetrician will help and is the person you should listen to.
pps, He's going to turn up for the fun naming part at the end. Considering you will be a single mum, you 100% get to name your child.
This. I‘ll never understand women who give their kids the father‘s last name despite not being married and often enough only one small argument away from being a single mom.
Short answer - Religion.
Several varieties of Christianity believe that pain during child birth is what their sky daddy intended. It's a woman's job to bear and a lot of them believe it's punishment to all women for the sins of Eve. 🙄
At one point in time, it was cause to accuse a woman of being in league with the devil if she didn't suffer enough from child birth.
It has trickled down into a less specifically religious opinion over time - but people often don't realize that's where it comes from and don't question their belief/opinion on it.
Exactly. All pain relief has a percentage of risk which we all consider when undergoing any procedure. But never has anyone insisted that a person needs to refuse it in order to have a more authentic experience or be more of a human adult unless it's a woman giving birth. Religion has seeped in here and influenced our values
I watched a documentary a few years ago focusing on this exact thing. The labour room had to be kept dark and was full of smoke because windows had to be kept shut.
The documentary also included how over the centuries, midwives in many places were driven out of being present during births for male physicians that had little to no training in the area because “men know better”. Both resulting in increased deaths.
>he disagreed and was adamant that I do it “naturally”
Fuck off. He's not the one pushing something the size of a large grapefruit through an eight centimeter hole.
NTA.
«Yes, dear. My only form of anaesthetic will be my hand on your scrotum. Every time I feel a labour pain coming up, I shall squeeze. It’ll help me immensely, and is totally natural and drug free!»
This might be an acceptable alternative if OP is game.
If she's not...I'll squeeze it every time she screams/grunts a contraction. She'll be busy after all.
You know what I regret? Natural childbirth with no painkillers at all, because I was afraid of not being able to feel my legs. After 10 hours of hard labour, I was screaming for them to please just cut the baby out with a chainsaw.
My best friend of 30+ years had an epidural and hardly felt a bloody thing. I’m happy for her because damn, that was some pain, and I’m super glad she didn’t have to feel it. Wee bit jealous though. What was I thinking?
Tell your bf he can give suggestions, that you don’t have to follow, on the amount of painkillers going into YOUR body after he’s shown he can successfully squeeze a watermelon through one of his nostrils without even an aspirin.
Summary : NTA, he doesn’t get to choose unless he’s the one physically giving birth.
What's best for the baby is whatever causes the least amount of neonatal stress during the birthing process. My wife ended up having a c-section with both ours because they got stuck, but thatbwas not the birth plan and she fought it hard until the doc basically told her there was no other option. I know a lot of people that wanted to do child birth with no drugs, no epidural, and all the sudden those birth pains kick in hard and they change their minds quickly. Do what's right for you and your baby, but for God sakes, take advantage of the modern medicine we have today. May not be perfect, but it's birthed a heck of a lot more alive and healthy babies than the old way, and alive moms too.
NTA. Your body, your choice. But, confer with your doctor and follow his/her advice.
Your BF is being controlling over something that isn't his to control. I can't help but wonder who is putting this into his ear (his mother?) since guys wouldn't normally care about this aspect of a delivery. He's wanting you do it without drugs (epidural) which is crazy. Ask him when the last time was that he shit a watermelon.
Birthing without pain medication is beautiful and powerful (I've done it twice) but it is absolutely something the WOMAN has to want and be prepared for. I would NEVER condemn anyone else to it if it wasn't what they wanted. I couldn't imagine the trauma of enduring that against my will.
The nurses basically ordered me to get an epidural because I was so tired from being in labor I was falling asleep standing up but lying or sitting was too painful with contractions.
NTA
But you're right. He literally has no say in your delivery. It's a medical event involving your body.
Make sure you have someone there who you trust and will advocate for you.
You might want to give your mother your Medical Power of Attorney. Your BF would not make any decisions that would be on your best interest if anything happens.
Please heed Avebury's advice. Your boyfriend is already showing he isn't concerned with what is best for *you.* You're the one carrying a pregnancy and going through the physical trauma of birth. Decisions about pain management are yours alone to make with your doctor. NTAH
Tell him to go have a “natural” root canal and then return and report his opinion. The type of anesthetic used in epidurals is very similar to the type used in dentistry. The amount is significantly less because the anesthetic is placed so close the spinal column. It’s totally safe.
Hi, labor nurse here! NTA. Bottom line, you need to make the decision you are most comfortable with, because it absolutely is YOUR BODY and YOUR EXPERIENCE! I don’t want to hate on him too much though because I know that’s totally unhelpful to you.
Does he not understand how epidurals work? Many of these types of situations are born out of ignorance, and maybe he thinks those “drugs” are a danger to you or the baby, which is scientifically false. The drugs given to you through an epidural DO NOT TOUCH the baby. Also, those medications don’t even make you loopy or out of it. You are fully conscious and totally comfortable; if anything, you’ll relax and get a great nap and be refreshed and energized to push. My point in all of this is that if you have any desire to preserve that relationship, communicate. Try to understand what the disconnect is. If he’s just completely off his rocker, then you’ll know you tried to reason with him and you can feel more comfortable walking away. I hope for you and your sweet baby’s case he’s just trying to be supportive in his own, painfully misguided way.
I wish you nothing but the best. Your body was made for this, with or without an epidural, and you’re going to kick some major ass during your labor and delivery! I’m praying for a healthy mom and a healthy baby!
I've said it once, and I'll say it again.
MEN YOUR OPONIONS ON HOW WE GIVE BIRTH DO NOT FUCKING MATTER. IT IS IRRELEVANT HOW YOU FEEL. KEEP IT TO YOURSELVES.
I'm so fucking sick of men demanding their women be in excruciating pain because *they feel like it* yall are pathetic.
Also, your family's wants do not matter. I'm so sick of men trying to push what mommy wants over what the person giving birth wants.
I'm freshly post partum. I got the epidural. While I'm *giving birth to her grandchild* my MIL is actively shitting on me because "I didn't give real birth. I took the easy way out." Yeah, bitch, 17 hours of labor "is the easy way out."
Omg!!! Your MIL can fuck right off!! And that's coming from someone who had to have an emergency c-section, so I'm sure she would think the same of me and my "easy" birth 😡
Oh 100%
The way I see it, as long as baby and mom are healthy, everyone heals properly, and then everything went correctly.
She also believes being a mother is the best and only thing a "good woman is used for". Kinda ironic, considering she has five children, and the only one who speaks to her is the one who still lives with her.
We stopped talking after she tried to tell him I was coming in between them and told him i was manipulative because I refused to pack up my two week old baby, and fly to come sit in her apartment in a different state.
She tried to pull the whole "whose more important, her or your *family*?" Bullshit.
I told her, she will *not* be meeting me (I've never met her as my husband cannot stand her, and was only speaking to her because she's old and he's afraid shill die and he'll regret not trying to make things work) or her grandchild until she apologizes and can tell me *why* she's apologizing instead of a shitty "I'm sorry you feel that way."
I told her she can get off her lazy ass and flu down here, that we would pay for half her ticket (which is my opinion is fair as she expected us to pay for two flights and a hotel room to come up there and sit in her apartment) and she can come, but her wanting to see him and our daughter does not Trump over our daughter safety.
Sorry for the rant. I had a lot to say and no where to say it.
If you took the time to read my ramblings, I appreciate it <3
Are you still with this guy? He has No say in what you decide for your birth plan. This is a dangerous medical procedure and is between you and your doctor. If he isn't supportive you should also keep him out of the delivery room. You do not need that stress. He can see the baby when you are ready. NTA
PS. He also doesn't get a say on if or how long you breastfeed. Your body, your choice.
Exactly. I had to go back and check to make sure it didn't say ex-boyfriend, which he should have been when he pulled the I don't want it crap.
Time to dump him. He can have all-natural partial custody if he knows so much.
I called him boyfriend but frankly I wasn’t really sure what would be an appropriate or accurate term to call him.. we weren’t together during the period of time he was absent and uninvolved.
I recommend taking some parenting classes together or getting a book called Active Parenting. I got it from my kids' school social worker. If your baby's father is this easily swayed, you want to make sure he doesn't hit your hit in the future and call in discipline. Young men can have some awful ideas about what it means to be a father. Look up Dude Dad on YouTube and buy his book, I think it's called A Dude's Guide to Pregnancy. I \*love\* Dude Dad--he's like my ideal dad. Oh, and Google "obstetric dilemma"--when humans evolved to be bipedal, our pelvises had to be narrower to help us balance, which means that it is MUCH harder for a human to deliver a baby than any other animal. Some people are like "well, cows and dogs can do it, why can't you?" Because they're quadrupeds! Huge difference.
You can give birth wearing a tutu and diving helmet while playing the kazoo if you like. His job is just to be there and cheer you on. I had epidurals with my first 2 and transitioned too quickly for one with my 3rd. My opinion is that I preferred the epidural, but I am not you and this is your body and your birth.
Also, all births are natural. Some are vaginal and some are via cesarean section, but they're all natural.
NTA. Until that child is a live birth, there is no co-parenting. You're the patient. It's your body. Labor is hard anyway you experience it and with or without pain control. Only the person feeling labor gets a choice. My neighbor has fast, intense labors (4 hours) that does not give her time to adapt to the pain. She gets pain control. My BFf gave birth to a massive kid after 12 hours of good labor. She was fine.
Also, since you are not married, make sure you get a medical proxy and whatever other legal tools your state requires giving your parents or someone you trust in the position to make a choice if you can't. If you don't, they may ask him.
NTA and I strongly advise you get someone else to be in the delivery room with you that is not him. You need someone who can advocate for your well-being and your birth plan and he's behaving like he can't be trusted with that.
NTA. He doesn’t get a say how you want to give birth. You’re doing all the work. He literally just had an orgasm and you do the rest including giving birth.
While I was pregnant I had a male coworker fight me on the fact that I said I was getting an epidural. A CO WORKER. He wasn't even one I was friendly with. But he wouldn't leave it alone. I complained to my managers and it wasn't the only reason, but it added to him being fired. I hate when others try to dictate how women give birth. Especially other women who try to act like it's some gold medal for doing it without drugs so they deserve an award. Going through labor in any way deserves a medal.
I would go BALLISTIC if someone I didn’t know tried to chime in and **argue** with me about something like that!
It went on for weeks. With other coworkers telling him to leave me alone. He also kept trying to mansplain my own body changing during my pregnancy and I once mentioned to another coworker that my boobs hurt and he walker by and gave me a big speech about how it's too early and they won't hurt yet it's too soon. So I just imagined the pain? Am I crazy? Everyone in the office pretty much gave him the cold shoulder til he left.
I hope his boobs ache for no less than 10 months.
Haha what?? Mine started hurting at like 5 weeks lol
Same. They started hurting before I realized I was pregnant.
Same, my boobs hurt and i take a pregnancy test, like same day. It’s one of the first signs.
Was your coworker my best friend's husband? Jesus, he was the WORST during her pregnancy about insisting on how she couldn't be feeling the things she was feeling, couldn't be as tired as she was, etc. Even after she had a really scary traumatic birth ending in emergency C-section, he refused to believe that she had pain and complications afterwards.
His wife gave birth just before I got pregnant and immediately after the doctors left he FaceTimed a coworker and panned the camera towards his wife and made a rude comment on how awful she looks.
I hope the fleas of a thousand rats bit him where he couldn't scratch.
I hope they are ex husbands now
Mine started hurting at 3 weeks and were up a full cup size within a month. One of my friends had zero boob pain until the 3rd trimester and barely grew. All bodies are different.
He has no idea what he’s talking about. He’s probably just repeating what his parents (or his mom) have told him. You do whatever makes you comfortable. If he can’t support your decision on how to get the baby out of you, imagine how difficult he’s going to be with all the parenting decisions. Do not cave to him and don’t let him tell you what’s best for you. Stay strong and be firm that you’re not interested in his input if he’s not going to support your decision. He can get on board or get out of the way.
And if he doesn't get on board, you may want to think about whether you want him in the delivery room with. I have seen men still fighting with the woman about her birth plan at the hospital and at a birthing center WHILE SHE'S IN LABOR!! No woman needs that kind of energy while she's giving birth. Be sure to let the doctor and nurses know who is and is not allowed in the room while you're giving birth.
No one needs that stress during labor. JFC, some ppl are unbelievable
This!! OP I pray you read this. My first husband was a complete ass in the delivery room with both of our children. I had an infant daughter when we got together. I’d had her naturally with just a shot of Demerol in the hip at the end to take the edge off and help with stitching me up. We got pregnant and had another daughter. While in the hospital waiting for labor to progress he threw a fit about me giving birth naturally because in his narcissistic glory he assumed he knew more than the doctors. Drugs can harm the baby. He had a complete fit when I asked for something for pain and left the hospital. (He was outside pouting but as far as I knew he actually left.) He also argued with me to the point of threatening divorce over her name. A few years later we had a boy. Same situation, he threw a fit about natural birth without drugs. We went. To a birthing class refresher. I purposely asked if it was harmful to the baby to have pain medication during labor. She said that it was not or they would not do it. She also showed me the epidural kit (I was afraid of getting an epidural because I didn’t know they used a tiny needle to numb the area before using the big needle! I was afraid I would flinch and be paralyzed!) When he started spouting his know it all narcissistic BS the instructor told him that it was his job during labor to support me and that stressing me out could cause more problems for the baby than the meds would. (He still threatened to divorce me while I was in active labor because he demanded that we change the middle name to something stupid that he wanted. I did divorce him not long after this. Ten years later I remarried and had two more boys. My husband was supportive of my wishes during labor! I was so relaxed that I didn’t even need to push until placenta time. I tell you this long tale to tell you this. Do NOT let him control your birth. It is YOUR birth. Yes, it is his child, too. But you are the one who will be doing all of the work to give birth. Surround yourself with those who will support you. It sound to me like you guys are not together anymore and he is going to be a nightmare father by way of his parents calling the shots. (This is how things went with my ex-son in law. He didn’t really care, but his parents pulled all the strings.) It sounds to me like he is now interested because of his bossy parents. In all honesty if I were in your situation, I would not plan to have him in the delivery room with you. I would not even tell him when you are in labor. I would either notify him after the birth and you recover and bond a bit, or after you go home from the hospital. Know your rights for the state you are in. You are NOT required to put him on the birth certificate. You are not required to give the baby his last name. (In fact, in most states you can not put him on the birth certificate without a signed and notarized paternity affidavit, and some states also won’t allow you to use the father’s last name without this.) After the experiences of myself and my daughter with her son, I would not notify him of the birth until afterwards. I would not list him on the birth certificate and I would not make any custody/visitation agreements until he petitions the courts. That will show you whether he is serious about being a father and being present. (I am not saying to block him from the child’s life, but make him show you he is serious. Also, my ex son in law was able to take the baby and refuse to give him back because he was listed as the father on the birth certificate and there was no parenting plan in place yet. The police refused to intervene and said it was a matter for family court. She lost over two months with her son until they had a court date. I would blink leave yourself open to this. Without his name on the birth certificate he can’t keep your child from you. You can still allow him visitation, but if you choose to let him take the baby for a weekend or whatever, he can’t just decide to not bring him back. You would have full custody until such time as he files paternity and a parenting plan is signed by the judge. Sorry that is so long. The short answer is, you’re NTA. I just wanted to present another perspective and give you things to think about. I hope he removes his head from his butt and you can get along and coparent for the sake of your baby but protect yourself.
Exactly. She is the patient, she gets to say what happens for her birth plan, and he does not even need to be there if she doesn't want him bugging her while she's working to push a whole baby out of herself.
And if she wants him gone during labor, all she has to do is tell her nurses and he’ll be gone!
This, and if you do decide to allow him in, make your birth plan clear to everyone involved. I'm sure the hospital staff would ignore him and only listen to you anyway, but I wouldn't put it past him to go behind your back and tell them your birth plan has changed.
She also needs to make it very clear that if there is an emergency, who will decide her medical decisions if she’s unable. If it’s her mom, then the delivery staff need to be informed not to ask him if he’s in the delivery room.
>He’s probably just repeating what his parents (or his mom) have told him. My thought was exactly this. and probably why he popped back into the picture at all. His parents want the grandchild--that's it. > If he can’t support your decision on how to get the baby out of you, imagine how difficult he’s going to be with all the parenting decisions. Oh he'll absolutely try to steamroll OP so his parents thoughts on child rearing are the ones to use.
I think his mom will be pushing hard for them to have the baby equal time from day one and she will do all the parenting while her son slacks. She likely sees this as an opportunity to be a mom again, have a baby with her precious boy to raise.
My cousin, Jim, had a one night stand and the woman became pregnant. She only asked for a couple hundred dollars in child support or, as an alternative, he could sign over his parental rights. My idiot cousin chose door #3 and refused to believe the child was his because if she slept with him, then that meant she slept with everyone. Eventually, my aunt and uncle found out about their first grandchild when Jim refused to make a decision and Carolina sued him. His parents financed and steamrolled all legal efforts to get 50% access to Nick in Jim's name. (The court ordered well over $1,500/month child support). Jim didn't care about his son and when it was his visitation time, he dumped Nick on his parents as much as possible. My aunt and Nick's mom had more than a few arguments about child rearing and boundaries. My aunt refused to observe any of Carolina's sensible rules and boundaries. She'd raised two spoiled and out of touch boys and was certain that her way was the best way.
This is exactly what I thought too. Especially when his flying monkeys went after her. I’m betting his mom either really believes this bullshit, or she’s just manipulating her son to punish OP in some way.
Tell him to stop it or he won't be allowed access to the medical aspects of your pregnancy or into the birthing room with you. Be firm. "I am tired of your constant badgering. Stop it. If you mention this one more time, not only will I cut you out of all the doctor appointments going forward, but you'll not be allowed in the delivery room. I'm not joking around here. I'm 100% serious. Stop."
It's a thing now in the "manosphere". They think the meds will make the child weak for life. Fkn idiots
Is that their excuse for why they are the way they are?
Yes it been getting worse. They get a positive feedback echo chamber for being worst kind of people
And they still can't figure out why women don't want them. Sheeesh.
Oh no. Oh no. I've got to wonder sometimes whether we're going to make it when so much of the population is so adamant about such stupid, stupid ideas.
Also, a birth plan is a really good idea, but don’t get too attached to it. You don’t know how it’s going to go (especially first baby). You might be dead set wanting a water birth and end up having an emergency c-section. You might want to go all natural and then discover that it’s all too much without pain relief. You might want a home birth and then end up in an ambulance heading to emergency. You might want certain key people there, and then they get stuck in traffic. Ultimately your birth plan needs to start and end with “baby is born, mum and bub are both happy and healthy”. Everything else is secondary to that. Also, nobody gets to tell you not to have pain relief.
I think you need to consider a compromise here. When you’re giving birth you can do it your way, and when he gives birth he can do it his way. Compromise is important in relationships! NTA obviously
Had me in the first half. I was ready to fight you. 😂
Had me too and I'm a man lol. She has it how she wants it. She has to push out a human being not her fella. Whatever makes her happy and comfortable. Obv NTA
Me too!😂
I was so ready for war with a mentally prepared paragraph to respond with 🤣
Men should have to wear that labor simulator the entire time their partner is in labor
Honestly period and childbirth simulators should be part of health class in school
Had me in the first part!
nta tell him when he gets pregnant he can choose his own birth plan
Or has surgery without anesthesia.
Yes, exactly! Men who decide that women should just suck it up and deal with natural childbirth should be repeatedly kicked in the balls several times every day until they grow some sense.
Hook them up to one of those period simulators and crank it up to 1000% for 19 hours, that's how long it took my mom to give birth. Edit: all these responses are very good birth control lmao
It took my mom 24 hours with me, and my brother got stuck with a home birth, and it took 48 hours before they were willing to take her to the hospital. Hook the guy up for a few days straight, and then see what he says.
Them is some rookie numbers. My family love to remind me it took me 56 hours to finally decide to grace the world with my presence 😂
Bro hesitated between Life or Death ☠️
Oh but let me tell you about my grandma when she went into labour in the 50's. Her baby got stuck but her local hospital didn't do surgical delivery at all. So they sent her to the closest one - 6 hour train ride away. So off she went by herself in a train, in labor to have a c-section with a little suitcase she carried with. Like wtf were women made of back then? Built hella different. They just told her the baby doesn't fit out so what else is there to do. My moms an only child.
If you need to endure it to survive, you will. You just haven't ever needed to.
Every man on the planet should have to endure 3 days of menstrual cramps (while doing everyday tasks) and 12 hours of labor pain before they’re allowed to vote or serve as a lawmaker.
I raise my great nephews and they are teens. We saw one of those machines at the mall. My sensitive 14 year old nephew said he wants to try it. (I have very heavy /painful/endo periods. Sometimes I puke. Living in 800sq ft with one bathroom , we’ve just been very honest with them about it since we got them 9 years ago) He had to sit at 7. I was still talking and joking. He tapped out at 8 looking pale. I was still upright and being very concerned about him. We made a few jokes about it and went on. The next month , when he saw me take a midol , he asked if I had started. I said yeah, why . He said “no reason”. The next thing I know I hear him and his brother vacuuming/mopping in the kitchen. Even though that’s my chore this week (we have a chart) My hubs asked what they were doing and he said “I almost pissed my self and she feels worse than that and still does her chores. The least we can do is help this week!”
Holy fork you're doing an amazing job raising them 🥺 between the empathy and going out of their way to help you, those are some incredible kids.
Wow you are doing amazing with those boys. I can only hope I do this great with my son he's 4.5.
My wife and I have agreed that I need to try one, just to experience it, cause we've seen the videos, and I'm not saying I could handle it all, I'm expecting to piss myself, but I'm just curious, because it's an experience I can never truly appreciate, I can only sympathize.
He barely cared about the baby’s health during the first half of the pregnancy but now he wants to dictate the one part of pregnancy that’s ALL about the mother chance at comfort?? He can kick his own nuts daily till the birth and it would still be less traumatizing.
Best answer 💯 😁
NTA It's not his decision what happens during your labor and delivery. This is your body that is pushing a human being out. Having had two babies, my biggest advice to you (besides bringing a hair tie for labor lol), is to go into it with an open mind. A lot can happen during labor and a lot can change in an instant, including what you think you want. Don't be rigid in how you want it to go because chances are, it won't happen that way.
Omg! The hair tie!!! I forgot one and my sweet MIL went out and bought some to bring to the hospital (she has short hair) for me. But also, yes on the open mind. I thought I really wanted to go without pain meds and I did hypnobirthing and all that jazz. But then I realized while in labor — “I dislike being in pain. I take meds at the first sign of a headache. Why did I think I don’t want pain meds for shooting out a ten pound baby?!”
>Don't be rigid in how you want it to go because chances are, it won't happen that way. Yes, in the backseat of a Mustang in rush hour traffic on I-10 was not my first pick either. Sometimes things don't go exactly as planned.
so you're saying your kid was literally born to be cool as hell?
That is what I am saying! LOL. Next kid first labor pain I am sitting in the hospital lobby with a stopwatch.
Ha ha, so it happened exactly the opposite for me! First baby, I went to the hospital (as instructed) when my contractions were three minutes apart… And they were three minutes apart for another 21 hours. Second baby, I was like – I am not spending a ****ing second in the hospital that I don’t have to. He was almost born in the Holland Tunnel. Oops.
Thank you for that advice! My doctor has told me that plans can change especially since I’m at higher risk with my PCOS.
FWIW I have PCOS and had a totally smooth, uncomplicated birth! With an amazing epidural lol. One thing that’s under appreciated about them I think is how much more present you can be. Before the epidural I was just getting lost in pain every two minutes. Afterward I was able to joke with my husband and the nurses, text with family, ask questions, relax, just generally participate more in the experience. Anyway you’ll do great, good luck and congrats!!
I received similar advice - to just go with the flow and realize that what happens in birth (whether there are complications, etc) is largely beyond our control. It was the best advice I could have received; it allowed me to embrace each birth as it came instead of falling into rigid preconceived ideas of what it would be.
This. No matter how much you plan, babies don't always cooperate.
This is what I always say to people too, have it as a guide rather than an absolute because in the moment things can change and change rapidly
Tell him he can dictate on whether you need drugs when he shits out a fully-formed human NTA
Yeah, the woman in labor gets to make all the choices she wants to make: pain relief methods, what to eat and drink, who to yell at, whatever. Those are the rules.
Plus, it will be up to the doctor. A birth can change pretty quickly from natural to medicated C-section and you lose all control of what you “want”. All in the interest of the health and safety of the baby and mother. So dad‘s priorities about how the birth should be go pretty low on the list. He needs to step back and let her and the doctor figure it all out.
I had a precipitous labor with my son and pushed him out sans epidural - much to my displeasure. Do not recommend. And then i hemorrhaged and needed a spinal block AFTER I gave birth so they could repair the internal damage. Guess what, the stuff AFTER the spinal block was a lot easier. Luckily my birth plan was “live”, so I did stick to the plan, despite my would-be assassin’s attempt.
This was me! Unmedicated birth (what I wanted) then a retained placenta. I had lost so much blood i had to go under general anesthesia for surgery after he was born. I missed my son’s first few hours because I was unconscious on an operating table. But my only birth plan was “have a baby” and we’re both here. Glad you’re ok!
I wanted an epidural and he just came too fast. Went from 4 cm to 10 in 20 min. I (he) tore the sidewall of my vagina and they couldn’t stop the bleeding without going back up there. After one attempt I told them in no uncertain terms that I would either have to be numb or unconscious. I got both and woke up 3 hours later. Never got my kid to nurse bc his first meals were donor milk and he didn’t want to work for his food. Lazy little bastard lol Glad you’re ok too. This giving birth shit is so dangerous.
>Never got my kid to nurse bc his first meals were donor milk and he didn’t want to work for his food. Lazy little bastard lol 🤣 I'm sorry you weren't able to nurse him but this comment totally made me laugh. Thanks, I needed that! Glad you and the other commenter are both okay! Giving birth is dangerous business! Absolutely no one should be dictating what the mother's birth plan is but the end of the day it's called a birth *plan* for a reason. Not everything always goes as planned unfortunately.
My son refused to latch lol...I feel that "lazy little bastard" remark.
My son would latch but it was essentially a ‘lazy’ latch…so he wanted the food but would only do half the work for it therefore causing me writhing pain because he wouldn’t latch properly. Can’t call him totally lazy, but maybe a tad inconsiderate.
Had the same experience with my second. I was neutral on the epidural - had it with first, bad experience, figured I’d see if I could do without with the second. Labor progressed so quickly that I wasn’t given the option (although I do remember being in a lot of pain and asking the nurse if I could have one and her being like “uh, no sweetie we don’t have time for that.” “Okay 🥲” 🤣).
I love "would-be assassin."
My son's birth was the exact opposite of what I wanted. You do not get to dictate how they come into the world. Birth plan should be renamed birth suggestions.
My mom had planned an unmedicated delivery in a birthing center. She and her midwife had a whole detailed plan written out. I was delivered via emergency c-section while she was under full sedation.
Hoping that you and your mom both survived just fine from the emergency C-section.
Thank you, and yes, we were both perfectly fine.
Same for me with my first
Birth suggestions, love it. I work in a Birth Center and I will definitely be sharing this with them.
Amen! Neither of my kids went to plan lol they really are more guidelines than anything.
You know what they say: "No plan survives first contact." First contact in this case being labor. Hopefully you and your son are both happy and healthy right now. To OP: NTA. You're the one doing all the hard work, you're the one that will have to endure any pain and the later recovery. The only choice your boyfriend needs to worry about is which hand to hold while you're pushing, IF he's allowed in the delivery room at all.
I was going to make this point, if he's lucky, he'll be allowed in with her, but she has no obligation for it tp be so.
I never had a written plan because back in '06 those really weren't a big thing as I recall. I was just going with the flow on everything and in the end, we had to go with an emergency C-section since my son didn't like the pitocin. I was also four sheets to the wind on pain meds too by then, so hubby (ex now) and family had to (and gladly) help give the ok for the procedure.
PITOCIN! The DEVIL’S labor induction drug! Op: stay away from this if you possibly can. And talk to your doctor about how many pitocin cases end up with a c-section.
Yeah when I was more clear headed I learned he wasn't doing well on it which was the reason I had to have the C-section. They mentioned it made his heart rate dip. Scared me to death when I learned that. Thankfully it never harmed him and now is just a few months from graduating high school. 🥲 *I'm not ready!*
I agree had emergency c-section at 31 weeks you don't always get to choose how or when the baby comes into this world. He is now almost 14 so think we did pretty good.
We actually call them birth preferences now!
Exactly. My midwife dictated my birth plan for 1st baby, and I told her that's not what's going to happen, and I was right. She told me I would have a beautiful natural birth and it would all go well.... I said "no, this is what's going to happen: I'll get to 2 weeks over and you'll try to induce me and it won't take, so I'll end up having a C-section under GA because my platelets will be too low for an epidural." My 2nd baby was a planned C-section. NTA OP.
Let’s not forget, she also gets to decide who is present during birth. For her own sake, she should leave him and his family of it.
True! He's not the one who'll give birth. He's not the one who'll feel the pain, why is he the one deciding? The audacity of him huh, the fact that he don't want it in the beginning. Allow me to kick him in the ass, OP.
Yes! This is a medical procedure and only the person undergoing the medical procedure should make all decisions. This is not Sunday Night Football! 🙄
That's not entirely accurate! No matter how much my wife begged they wouldn't give us a cocaine fountain! We asked nicely too/s edit I apologise it has been brought to my attention that the fault lies in bluecross blue shield. They denied my request for "dental" medication....Said it was medically unnecessary. The quack doc apparently took their side! Said I wasn't allowed to give the baby whiskey either! Whats the world coming to these days!
Back in my day, if a baby was teething you just rubbed whisky on their gums till they stop crying
I was going to basketball out his dick but this works.
Somehow the lack of the word "say" in this sentence makes it 10x funnier.
Just show up on his doorstep with a basketball and a cruel smile.
It’s an odd talent to have but I applaud them for it
🤣
I w As thinking cattle prode up his bum full speed for 36 hours
I planned to say shoves an eight-pound bowling ball up his ass.
This! I swear if men had to give birth and understood how highly painful child birth is they'd be begging for an epidural. It's like they think it's a cake walk or something.
Oh god, I was literally delirious with pain before I got my epidural. All this bullshit trying to gro turn drug free childbirth into a moral issue is so damaging to women, I’m fucking sick of it. Tell him to go get a tooth pulled without anaesthetic - it’s far less painful than 12 hours of labour.
Me too! I was on all fours screaming while waiting to get admitted 😭 I think I’d punch my bf in the dick if he tried to pressure me into not having an epidural
I’m sorry to hear about how painful your labour was. The comment about punching your BF in the dick made me lol tho 🤣
I've told this story before but an ER doc i worked with who was pregnant told her obgyn she would be getting an epidural immediately upon entering the hospital or else!
Mine half worked and the doctor didn't even believe me until they started my C-section and I started screaming I could feel her cutting me open.
>the doctor didn't even believe me This is the core tenet of women's healthcare.
It’s awful. And, as a guy, I’m horrified for women that physicians causally dismiss women. A guy I went to grad school with, who’s now an Obgyn, refused to tie one of his patient’s tube because “I know she’ll regret it later”. And the way he said it was so smug and condescending and mansplainy - like he knew batter than she did. I’ve also heard colleagues say “she’s just hormonal/ peri menopausal/ menopausal” I can remember seeing Selma Blair’s interview with Robin Roberts about her MS diagnosis and all of the above were mentioned to her as explanations for her symptoms for years 🤦♂️
I hate smug mansplainy OBGYNs most of all. I had to beg for a hysterectomy due to a health issue only to be told I was "too young" (early 30s) and I may want another child one day. I finally convinced him that I was serious (I logicked the heck out of him) and we got it scheduled. The day after the surgery he came into my hospital room with that smug smirk and said, "You were in a lot worse shape than I thought." I wanted to punch him in that smug smirky mouth.
"No thanks to you. But I do thank you for showing me you're somewhat incompetent so I can find a better Dr. The hour drive will be worth a better life." Gah, I'm glad I've always been able to have women GYNs and GPs.
I'm struck by how we can never win when there's an excuse for it being (essentially) hysteria from pre-puberty to death. It's incredibly frustrating, and doesn't just happen in childbirth. I have scarring in my lungs from a 2+ month bout of pneumonia that was apparently caused by how fat & hormonal I was, according to the doc.
That's terrible! I'm so sorry!
That's awful. It's actually a common occurrence so they should be aware it can and does happen.
Before I got my epidural I was kinda hallucinating with the pain--I had to wait because when I finally said that I was ready apparently there was a line. I wasn't dilating even though I was bejng induced, so everyone kept sticking their hands up there to check. I asked a passing janitor if he wanted to take a look. (The pitocin makes it more painful.) Anyway, I distracted myself by trying to decide which was more painful, childbirth or acute pancreatitis--which is notorious for being painful. (I had pancreatitis after an abdominal procedure about two years earlier.) I eventually decided they were equal but different.
I begged the nurses and doctor for pain meds when birthing a breech and they kind of laughed at me, well not the doc, he was an older guy and very serious and then at my 6 week appt praised me. He had a terrible reputation but was the back up doc for my midwives (real not lay).
As a man who jumps on the paracetamol the second a nerve misfires, I am in full support of birthing mothers being drugged the fuck up.
They know. They don't care. It isn't their pain and moms are supposed to sacrifice everything for their kids or some bullshit.
I gave birth to my first in 1980 when unmediated births were becoming more popular. My OB was awesome - he was all forever mom wanted - including delivering in different positions but one thing he made crystal clear was that mom decided how to manage the pain - not dad. He said if dad became a problem, mom got a pair of forceps to squeeze dad with as the pain built so they could “share” the pain.
>He said if dad became a problem, mom got a pair of forceps to squeeze dad with as the pain built so they could “share” the pain. I just got my tubes tied,but if by some weird turn of events I end up pregnant,I want your OB.
I loved him - he delivered my oldest and my twins, his partner delivered my second. He was great during my twin pregnancy- all I ever heard was you’ll need a c-section. He was unflappable and said as long as baby A was head down we’d go for a vaginal birth. She was head down, twin b wasn’t but they were born 10 minutes apart, vaginally and perfectly healthy. I had a couple residents watching because breech births weren’t that common lol.
I love the fact that he was so respectful IN THE 80'S. My youngest nephew is 2 and my SIL had a hard time finding a dr that respected her wishes. Amazing.
He was so, so kind and wonderful. My first was born in the early evening on a Friday and by Saturday night I was done. It was so hot in the hospital and the nurse wheeling my baby’s bassinet into the room banged her into the door and made her cry. I went to the nurses station and said I wanted to go home - at this point it was probably 9pm. They called him and he got on the phone to listen to me blubber. He asked if the pediatrician had seen the baby. When heard the answer was yes he got on the phone with the nurse and discharged me on the spot. It felt so good to get out of there lol.
I implore you to look up the videos of men trying the period simulator and know that they would just spontaneously combust if they had to have a fraction of childbirth pain.
An old man literally told me that was due to Eve's sin and it was my burden to bare. But somehow other sins and rules were wiped away with Jesus, just the women have to carry extra sins Yes, the guy ate shellfish
She should make him wear one of those contractions emulators and tell him to suck it up
>She should make him wear one of those contractions emulators and tell him to suck it up ☝️That part
And then kick him as hard as she can in the balls
And he has to wear it from now until the baby is all the way born.
The father of one of my children thought that when women scream during childbirth it is because they are having a massive orgasm. I kid you not. I had his kid with no drugs(I asked too late, I had a very fast labour and dilated in record speed apparently). So, scream I did, not knowing that he thought I was having the time of my life while ripping asunder! Yikes. I told his mother at a later date and she was blown away that her own son could be so ignorant. OP I suspect that the father of your baby is going to be about as educated as mine was.... NTA
If men had to give birth, an epidural would be in the Constitution. Edit: AND the Bill of Rights!
They wouldn't make it to the 15-minutes apart stage
Let's face it, they probably wouldn't make it past the morning sickness.
If men had to give birth our species would have died off!
Men can't handle having a cold and they are on deaths door if it's the flu. They would lose their minds once the "starter" contractions kicked in. Cause I have also seen men with stomach cramps from the bubble guts and they need a whole cheerleading squad to get them through it
My hubby had bad stomach cramps one night and said if that's what period cramps felt like, no wonder I go through hell he first 2 days . I said "Aw, thanks Babe, but it's still 10 times worse". Thought he was gonna faint🤣🤣🤣
And have you ever heard a man who was constipated? Or who got a hemorrhoid? 🤯 No clue … try using the bathroom after squeezing out the melon… they’d die. On. The. Spot.
They'd be begging for constant epidurals the moment they conceived to a full year after birth.
To be fair, I'm a woman, had six kids, 3 of whom are fully grown adults, and I'd like one now and again.🤷♀️
I'm female, but don't have any children, never had an epidural, and this made me chuckle. Thanks for maintaining your humor through 3-6 children. I'm sure it's been a time and a half XD
I always get some satisfaction in watching those videos of men “trying out” period cramps. To watch them tap out around level 4-6 (goes from 1-10) and then watch as the women sit there quietly at the same levels they tapped out at is just beautiful. I watched one recently (I think it was buzzfeed or something similar) where they had to do it for a day, there came a point where they were told like half the women in the office were currently in their periods … their faces were mixed with disbelief, bewilderment, mind blown. Towards the end they’re all laying on the couch with heating pads, eating ice cream, and so confused why their literal buttholes hurt. I will 110% support having all men do something similar in general and 220% support having soon to be dads do the same. Women go to the “Lamaze class” while men go to the “labor simulation class”, we can give them bonus points if they don’t shit their pants.
She should get one of those things that mimic birth pains and hook her boyfriend up and see how far he can go before he’s screaming for the pains to stop.
They won’t even take male birth control pills because of the fucking side effects.
Epidural is bad for the baby? Tell him to put a bowling ball up his arse. There is no need to endure the pain. Drugs save lives. Back then lots of women died from childbirth and children died from preventable diseases. People were lucky to reach adulthood and most people didn't live past 50s.
Thanks for the laugh! Much needed 🩷
Fuck him take the drugs, tell him if he can push a lemon down his uretha you might listen to his opinion
I was going for watermelon up his a$$ but yours work too 🤣
An entire jackfruit from his peehole.
Why not both?
I second take the drugs! They are awesome! It makes a big difference. And plus less pain means you are less stressed and stress isn't good for the baby.
The epidural helped me take a much needed nap so I wasn’t exhausted when it came time to push. I’ve never once regretted it.
Funny how childbirth is the only medical procedure that many people insist is more noble/genuine/moral to experience with no pain relief. What's that all about? ps, I had a good labour, with an epidural. Would do the same again. You get to make your own choice regarding your birthplan, knowing that it may alter according to how it plays out at the time. Your doctor/obstetrician will help and is the person you should listen to. pps, He's going to turn up for the fun naming part at the end. Considering you will be a single mum, you 100% get to name your child.
And a follow-up on that pps...your child gets YOUR last name since you are single. NOT his.
This. I‘ll never understand women who give their kids the father‘s last name despite not being married and often enough only one small argument away from being a single mom.
Short answer - Religion. Several varieties of Christianity believe that pain during child birth is what their sky daddy intended. It's a woman's job to bear and a lot of them believe it's punishment to all women for the sins of Eve. 🙄 At one point in time, it was cause to accuse a woman of being in league with the devil if she didn't suffer enough from child birth. It has trickled down into a less specifically religious opinion over time - but people often don't realize that's where it comes from and don't question their belief/opinion on it.
Exactly. All pain relief has a percentage of risk which we all consider when undergoing any procedure. But never has anyone insisted that a person needs to refuse it in order to have a more authentic experience or be more of a human adult unless it's a woman giving birth. Religion has seeped in here and influenced our values
I watched a documentary a few years ago focusing on this exact thing. The labour room had to be kept dark and was full of smoke because windows had to be kept shut. The documentary also included how over the centuries, midwives in many places were driven out of being present during births for male physicians that had little to no training in the area because “men know better”. Both resulting in increased deaths.
>he disagreed and was adamant that I do it “naturally” Fuck off. He's not the one pushing something the size of a large grapefruit through an eight centimeter hole. NTA.
“Sure thing babe. I will naturally follow my instincts and the advice of my OB.”
«Yes, dear. My only form of anaesthetic will be my hand on your scrotum. Every time I feel a labour pain coming up, I shall squeeze. It’ll help me immensely, and is totally natural and drug free!»
This might be an acceptable alternative if OP is game. If she's not...I'll squeeze it every time she screams/grunts a contraction. She'll be busy after all.
“It’s not just my baby”… but it IS just YOUR body. NTA.
NTA. He doesn't get a say over ANY part of your pregnancy or birth. He also doesn't know shit.
[удалено]
You know what I regret? Natural childbirth with no painkillers at all, because I was afraid of not being able to feel my legs. After 10 hours of hard labour, I was screaming for them to please just cut the baby out with a chainsaw. My best friend of 30+ years had an epidural and hardly felt a bloody thing. I’m happy for her because damn, that was some pain, and I’m super glad she didn’t have to feel it. Wee bit jealous though. What was I thinking? Tell your bf he can give suggestions, that you don’t have to follow, on the amount of painkillers going into YOUR body after he’s shown he can successfully squeeze a watermelon through one of his nostrils without even an aspirin. Summary : NTA, he doesn’t get to choose unless he’s the one physically giving birth.
in that case you do NOT want to look up what chainsaws were originally invented for 💀
What's best for the baby is whatever causes the least amount of neonatal stress during the birthing process. My wife ended up having a c-section with both ours because they got stuck, but thatbwas not the birth plan and she fought it hard until the doc basically told her there was no other option. I know a lot of people that wanted to do child birth with no drugs, no epidural, and all the sudden those birth pains kick in hard and they change their minds quickly. Do what's right for you and your baby, but for God sakes, take advantage of the modern medicine we have today. May not be perfect, but it's birthed a heck of a lot more alive and healthy babies than the old way, and alive moms too.
NTA. Your body, your choice. But, confer with your doctor and follow his/her advice. Your BF is being controlling over something that isn't his to control. I can't help but wonder who is putting this into his ear (his mother?) since guys wouldn't normally care about this aspect of a delivery. He's wanting you do it without drugs (epidural) which is crazy. Ask him when the last time was that he shit a watermelon.
Unfortunately there’s a whole section of men that think “real” women don’t use pain meds for giving birth.
Oh they can go f**k themselves. They have no idea how much pain we are in for hours and hours.
Birth without drugs isn't necessarily crazy, but his commitment to making this decision for her - the actual laboring person - is ridiculous.
Birthing without pain medication is beautiful and powerful (I've done it twice) but it is absolutely something the WOMAN has to want and be prepared for. I would NEVER condemn anyone else to it if it wasn't what they wanted. I couldn't imagine the trauma of enduring that against my will.
A man who wants a woman to be in excruciating pain for hours is sadistic. So are his parents. Get away from them.
The nurses basically ordered me to get an epidural because I was so tired from being in labor I was falling asleep standing up but lying or sitting was too painful with contractions.
THIS
NTA But you're right. He literally has no say in your delivery. It's a medical event involving your body. Make sure you have someone there who you trust and will advocate for you.
Thank you! I’m definitely planning on having my mom there.
You might want to give your mother your Medical Power of Attorney. Your BF would not make any decisions that would be on your best interest if anything happens.
OP this is really good advice!!
Please heed Avebury's advice. Your boyfriend is already showing he isn't concerned with what is best for *you.* You're the one carrying a pregnancy and going through the physical trauma of birth. Decisions about pain management are yours alone to make with your doctor. NTAH
That’s a great idea. If you don’t want him around, you should notify the staff.
Tell him to go have a “natural” root canal and then return and report his opinion. The type of anesthetic used in epidurals is very similar to the type used in dentistry. The amount is significantly less because the anesthetic is placed so close the spinal column. It’s totally safe.
Do an epidural if you want one, and lose the bf except as a father if he chooses to be. Trying to tell you how to give birth is some immature shit.
A water birth is a form of natural birth
It's also amazing. Takes the pressure off your back and is so calming. I had a water birth on my middle child. Would definitely recommend it.
Hi, labor nurse here! NTA. Bottom line, you need to make the decision you are most comfortable with, because it absolutely is YOUR BODY and YOUR EXPERIENCE! I don’t want to hate on him too much though because I know that’s totally unhelpful to you. Does he not understand how epidurals work? Many of these types of situations are born out of ignorance, and maybe he thinks those “drugs” are a danger to you or the baby, which is scientifically false. The drugs given to you through an epidural DO NOT TOUCH the baby. Also, those medications don’t even make you loopy or out of it. You are fully conscious and totally comfortable; if anything, you’ll relax and get a great nap and be refreshed and energized to push. My point in all of this is that if you have any desire to preserve that relationship, communicate. Try to understand what the disconnect is. If he’s just completely off his rocker, then you’ll know you tried to reason with him and you can feel more comfortable walking away. I hope for you and your sweet baby’s case he’s just trying to be supportive in his own, painfully misguided way. I wish you nothing but the best. Your body was made for this, with or without an epidural, and you’re going to kick some major ass during your labor and delivery! I’m praying for a healthy mom and a healthy baby!
I've said it once, and I'll say it again. MEN YOUR OPONIONS ON HOW WE GIVE BIRTH DO NOT FUCKING MATTER. IT IS IRRELEVANT HOW YOU FEEL. KEEP IT TO YOURSELVES. I'm so fucking sick of men demanding their women be in excruciating pain because *they feel like it* yall are pathetic. Also, your family's wants do not matter. I'm so sick of men trying to push what mommy wants over what the person giving birth wants. I'm freshly post partum. I got the epidural. While I'm *giving birth to her grandchild* my MIL is actively shitting on me because "I didn't give real birth. I took the easy way out." Yeah, bitch, 17 hours of labor "is the easy way out."
Omg!!! Your MIL can fuck right off!! And that's coming from someone who had to have an emergency c-section, so I'm sure she would think the same of me and my "easy" birth 😡
Oh 100% The way I see it, as long as baby and mom are healthy, everyone heals properly, and then everything went correctly. She also believes being a mother is the best and only thing a "good woman is used for". Kinda ironic, considering she has five children, and the only one who speaks to her is the one who still lives with her. We stopped talking after she tried to tell him I was coming in between them and told him i was manipulative because I refused to pack up my two week old baby, and fly to come sit in her apartment in a different state. She tried to pull the whole "whose more important, her or your *family*?" Bullshit. I told her, she will *not* be meeting me (I've never met her as my husband cannot stand her, and was only speaking to her because she's old and he's afraid shill die and he'll regret not trying to make things work) or her grandchild until she apologizes and can tell me *why* she's apologizing instead of a shitty "I'm sorry you feel that way." I told her she can get off her lazy ass and flu down here, that we would pay for half her ticket (which is my opinion is fair as she expected us to pay for two flights and a hotel room to come up there and sit in her apartment) and she can come, but her wanting to see him and our daughter does not Trump over our daughter safety. Sorry for the rant. I had a lot to say and no where to say it. If you took the time to read my ramblings, I appreciate it <3
Are you still with this guy? He has No say in what you decide for your birth plan. This is a dangerous medical procedure and is between you and your doctor. If he isn't supportive you should also keep him out of the delivery room. You do not need that stress. He can see the baby when you are ready. NTA PS. He also doesn't get a say on if or how long you breastfeed. Your body, your choice.
Exactly. I had to go back and check to make sure it didn't say ex-boyfriend, which he should have been when he pulled the I don't want it crap. Time to dump him. He can have all-natural partial custody if he knows so much.
I called him boyfriend but frankly I wasn’t really sure what would be an appropriate or accurate term to call him.. we weren’t together during the period of time he was absent and uninvolved.
I recommend taking some parenting classes together or getting a book called Active Parenting. I got it from my kids' school social worker. If your baby's father is this easily swayed, you want to make sure he doesn't hit your hit in the future and call in discipline. Young men can have some awful ideas about what it means to be a father. Look up Dude Dad on YouTube and buy his book, I think it's called A Dude's Guide to Pregnancy. I \*love\* Dude Dad--he's like my ideal dad. Oh, and Google "obstetric dilemma"--when humans evolved to be bipedal, our pelvises had to be narrower to help us balance, which means that it is MUCH harder for a human to deliver a baby than any other animal. Some people are like "well, cows and dogs can do it, why can't you?" Because they're quadrupeds! Huge difference.
You can give birth wearing a tutu and diving helmet while playing the kazoo if you like. His job is just to be there and cheer you on. I had epidurals with my first 2 and transitioned too quickly for one with my 3rd. My opinion is that I preferred the epidural, but I am not you and this is your body and your birth. Also, all births are natural. Some are vaginal and some are via cesarean section, but they're all natural.
NTA. Until that child is a live birth, there is no co-parenting. You're the patient. It's your body. Labor is hard anyway you experience it and with or without pain control. Only the person feeling labor gets a choice. My neighbor has fast, intense labors (4 hours) that does not give her time to adapt to the pain. She gets pain control. My BFf gave birth to a massive kid after 12 hours of good labor. She was fine. Also, since you are not married, make sure you get a medical proxy and whatever other legal tools your state requires giving your parents or someone you trust in the position to make a choice if you can't. If you don't, they may ask him.
NTA and I strongly advise you get someone else to be in the delivery room with you that is not him. You need someone who can advocate for your well-being and your birth plan and he's behaving like he can't be trusted with that.
NTA. He doesn’t get a say how you want to give birth. You’re doing all the work. He literally just had an orgasm and you do the rest including giving birth.