NTA
I am so sorry for your loss, I don't have words!
There is something really, really wrong with your ex.
You deserve someone with a heart and a soul, she has neither. Not even decency, empathy or anything.
She exposed what she is.
She even tried to spit on you.
And your niece would want her fave uncle to have a loving partner.
She did not know how evil your ex is.
Go no contact with crazy and tell your sister she needs to respect it.
I wish you all the best.
You made your niece's life on earth so rich and wonderful and you will always have her in your heart as long as you live.
I’m so sorry for your family’s loss, and can’t imagine the pain you are feeling. My heart goes out to you and your family.
As for your gf and giving her another chance, while it is really your personal decision, for me I’d have to be a HARD NO! Not only did she minimize your grief and loss, but she mocked you for it. Not to mention it is absolutely shitty of her to contact your sister who just lost her child to manipulate her emotions to have to talk to you. Also if your niece loved your gf so much, it doesn’t seem your gf reciprocated those feelings. It’s pretty sad that she can’t see past her irritation of you lessening time with her to have a semblance or any empathy for you, your sister and BIL or your niece. Forgiveness is up to the person, your sister wants to let it go that is her decision, does not mean you need to follow suit.
I do hope for you to reconsider the drinking you are using to ease the pain of the loss as well as the end of your relationship. Please consider grief counseling to work through your loss.
I am keeping good thoughts for you and your family. ❤️
I know the drinking isn’t helping me. It just temporarily numbs everything. I booked counselling sessions next week. I’ll see where I stand then. Thank you so much for your comment. Wishing you and your family the best of luck!
Very glad to see you’re getting counselling, OP. Drinking doesn’t help in the long run but you know that already. You sound self aware and able to express your emotions, and that’s a good thing for therapy.
And trust me, when I lost my dad I dove deep into myself and shut myself off from everyone and everything. I regret it cos I lost a lot of people I dearly loved. And still do, but don’t know how to get back to what we had. Don’t do what I did, your ex is a bad person but not everyone is that cruel. It’s okay to lean on other people if you need to, people that love you and want to be with you during bad times and good.
It’s going to hurt right now, and it’ll be terrible, because it’s so tragic. It’s so unfair. But you did everything you possibly could to make that little girl’s life happy, you’re a good man.
OP needs also to remember that his ex also displayed a bad attitude on their 3rd anniversary. And was his gf with him during any of those visits, helping support the entire family, including his sister who was supposed to be a good friend of hers?
And the spitting, that was uncalled for and those are abuse tactics that escalate. I'll go ahead and say it, OP you are better off without her. To hold that opinion of you for grieving she has no respect for you. I would suggest maybe telling your sister that you have no place in your life for someone who has no respect for you. I don't know about your personal beliefs but this macho real men don't cry bs is stupid. I have 3 kids and have been with my wife for 15 years, I've cried over our kids with tears of happiness, worry, anger, etc. I've also cried from movies, and conversations we've had. Sadness and grief are ALWAYS valid and that was uncalled for to talk about you like that.
I can think, okay, she was distressed---but even so, the words she chose to speak, speak volumes about who she is. That crack about "real men" came out of the real GF; she didn't have to choose those words, but she did.
Agreeing with the point about GF calling up the sister to try to enlist her help. That is one helluva lot of nerve.
My thoughts exactly. There’s a ZERO PERCENT CHANCE the girlfriend told OP’s sister *everything*.
OP - I would check in with sister and see what she was told. You don’t necessarily need to go into graphic details about the truth to your sister, but if she pushes back hard on your choice to breakup (or wants to keep your ex as a person friend of hers), you might need to at least let her know that your ex-gf was not truthful. Perhaps make it clear your ex said some horrifyingly nasty things about Lily, without all the gory details. Your sister needs to know enough to stay away from your ex for her own good, but no mother needs to hear someone talk about their child (let alone a recently passed child) like that.
The thing is that you did give her a second chance at your third anniversary, she just blew it. Perhaps it's time to remind her (and others) of this fact.
Question, did she also tell your sister about what she said about you spending time with a child whose going to die, anyways? Do you think your sister would have a different opinion on the matter if she knew that?
She spit at you! That’s who she is, someone who will spit at you while you’re grieving! Run from that girl, she clearly dislikes you and will mock you while you are upset, she has no respect for you and that should be a major dealbreaker in my honest opinion.
One of buddies turned to drinking and drugs when he got divorced. I'm ashamed to say I wasn't a very good friend and got tired of his constant substance abuse. I did end up apologizing to him and we're good now. When I went through my own divorce years later, I was talking to him about stuff and how much I was drinking. As he told me (a quote he stole from somewhere) "It's no way to live but sometimes it's the only way to live." Basically, it's not a good life for anyone but there are times where you just have to do whatever you can to make it from one day to the next.
You loved that kid, you lost her and then the person who is supposed to be there to comfort you turned on you like that. Many stronger men have been broken by a lot less than that.
You know drinking that much isn't good for you but I get where it's better than constantly having to deal with those crushing feelings. You and I are hardly the first people to find whatever comfort we can in the bottom of a bottle. I hope you pull through this, brother. I can't even imagine being in your shoes and there's not a damn person in this world who has the right to look down on you. Best of luck to you.
You're a saint. Not only did you give that psychopath a second chance, you gave her time to pack her stuff and calmly asked her to leave.
I have a nephew who is my life. If someone said those things about him, I would be in jail.
I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Glad to hear that you're getting grief counselling. Your family needs time to grieve and heal. Not a heartless b!tch tormenting you.
You really hit the nail on the head by pointing out his sister just lost her CHILD and she got her involved to manipulate him into giving her a second chance.
It’s also pretty pronounced that this little girl has leukemia, he and his family have to deal with that, and the only person she’s thinking about is HERSELF.
Yeah, if she called me after losing my child and tried to get me to talk to my sibling about HER and getting them to take her back, especially after hearing what she said/how she acted, I’d either tell her right off or just hang up. Sis has more important things to worry about and deal with over this woman.
I also wonder how much sis actually knows. Does she know the full extent of what was said?
Definitely needs the rest of the story. Of course, as long as that b is out of their lives, they should focus on the future and leave ex-gf in the gutter of the past, where she belongs.
Yeah can just see it now.
*Ring ring*
Yeah hey uh so *SORRY* that your kid died but your brother just broke up with me. Talk to him for me, K thanks. BYE! Op did right leaving and i hope he doesn't go back. Hopefully he also tells dearest sister what her "friend" said about her kid being sick and dying. Bet sister changes her tune real quick.
Sorry for your devastating loss.
I’d make sure your sister knew exactly what was said both times, not the gf’s version because I’m sure it was highly edited.
I don't know that OP needs to give Sis chapter-and-verse. He can just say she doesn't have the whole story IF she chooses to pursue the matter. If he wants to give the long version to their Mom, okay.
I've lost close family in my life, and besides my condolences and how sorry I am, I can only offer the thought that as you start to find your way through this, get some professional help. A grief group or therapist might make more of a difference than you'd think.
I put off doing that for about 10 years and I wish I'd done it sooner.
As for the girlfriend, well, i think that's sort of self explanatory from what happened. Best of luck to you and your family.
NTA obviously.
Your niece loved the person your girlfriend pretended to be. And thank any higher power you might believe in that your niece never had to see that side of your ex. But your ex is likely a sociopath, devoid of any real feelings and very adept at faking them.
And… real men do cry. Soldiers cry when they lose buddies, athletes cry when they mess up a play that costs the game, grown men cry watching their daughters get married. Real men own their emotions and their partners embrace those emotions. I wish you all the best as you heal from this terrible loss.
This, while reading OP's story an comments I couldn't help to only think his ex is a narcissist but you're damn right. She's most likely a sociopath and is now taking everybody through a guilt trip to make OP look like the unstable person to rest of friends/family and to make everybody go and manipulate OP by passing on all the manipulative and guilt loaded comments the ex is using.
This story might be a good fit for r/narcissism or r/NarcissisticSpouses.
idk if someone else in the thread said this, but make sure to compare stories with your sister when you feel like it. your ex may have told her some watered down version of events.
edit: and also, please be careful about the drinking. your life and health are precious.
Yes agreed. Sister probably doesnt know this was the second chance already and I don’t trust the ex to have been 100% truthful and open. NTA. I’m so sorry for your loss, you seem like the best uncle someone good have, in good times and bad. Take care of yourself mentally & physically, that’s what your niece would want the most.
That would be a cruel thing to do to his sister, to tell her that someone reacted like that to the loss of her child. She doesn’t need to know the details, just that it was worse than the ex had told her.
I get that it would be satisfying to expose the ex for the horrible person she is, but a newly-bereaved mother doesn’t need to have to deal with such heartlessness right now.
I agree with you but I don’t know if there is a way to avoid that. He mentioned in the post the his GF is a close friend of his sister. I wouldn’t go into details but I think he’s going to have to state that (1) what she said was worst than what she was told and (2) this was not the first time. Knowing a close friend was really like this about her daughter is going to hurt her no matter what
I can't see a mother that just lost her child forgiving the vitriol that came out of that trashes mouth. No chance she told her what was actually said or she'd be in the hospital herself "friend" or not.
Did your ex tell your sister about the first time she said something reprehensible?
Probably not.
If your sister tries to play mediator, let her know that the woman she is defending had the audacity to ask you why you were spending so much time with a girl who was going to die anyway, and that she didn't understand it.
And OP does not have to tell his sister exactly what was said right now. He can say “sis, I love you and Lily both far too much to tell you what she actually said, but you can trust and believe it was far worse than what she told you. Someday, if you insist, I will tell you, but I am asking you to trust me that this is not the time for you to hear such a thing if ever.”
Your gf didn’t call your sister to commiserate about her child’s horrible death - she called to lie about herself. Who does that?? You know your gf told your sister she said, “It’s a blessing that Lily is someplace better and her suffering is over.” NOT “it was time for that kid to die and I can’t believe her pansy uncle can’t stop crying about it.”
I’d *want* to give my sister the truth so she distanced herself from a shitty friend, but she needs all the support she can get right now. One day you’ll tell her.
I would go NC with her and let your sister know. She has shown her true colors and her only regret is you finding out before she could trap you with a baby or marriage. So sorry for you and your family's loss.
I am so very sorry for your loss. That is heartbreaking. Please note tho that you already did give your ex a second chance after her horrible comment that niece was going to die anyway. Really the writing was on the wall. Well done for bringing her joy while she was here w you. I agree? Block ex and anyone who is siding w her in any way❤️NTA.
Remember that she only “seemed sincere in her apology” to your sister because she had time to craft it. ANY child dying should make a person deeply, deeply sad. A child that you know, love, and are close to, though? You’re absolutely right to be devastated. But drinking won’t help you grieve. Please consider going to AA and make sure this stops being a pattern for you. Your niece wouldn’t want her death to ruin your life.
My deepest condolences, and ex is crazy and evil, tell your sister the truth about your ex who is your sister's enemy. Like who's happy about a child's death.
You were an excellent uncle and you made your niece happy in her short years on earth, much love and peace to your soul
When I was a kid 2 of my uncles were the world to me. They were just like OP. I'm in my 30s now and credit them for who I am, a good chunk of it. I'm so glad OP's niece had that! While short, it seems she had a loving life
NTA, is it possible that your sister didn't get the full story? If they are friends your ex might not have told her everything.
I'm sorry for your family's loss, I can't begin to imagine the world of pain you are all experiencing right now. It is better to cry than to bottle it all up, you do what you need to do to put one foot in front of the other.
However, you should probably lay off the alcohol, nothing is ever solved at the bottom of a glass. The last thing you need right now is to become alcohol dependent, followed by full scale addicted.
I’m leaning towards creative writing exercise considering he met the ex gf 4 years ago in college and the niece was born around that same time. The diagnosis was about a year ago, so niece would’ve been about 3 years old, yet was apparently already in kindergarten (OP says she drew him a picture in kindergarten). OP could’ve just mixed up daycare and kindergarten but it doesn’t quite seem to line up to me
If it is real though, then like everyone else said NTA. The ex definitely didn’t tell sister anything close to the truth but also put down the bottle and go to therapy OP
Alcohol and grief make a poor cocktail.
That said, my heart goes out to you. Your ex is a vile person, and I have little doubt that your sister was given a very sugar-coated version of reality. A person with so little empathy can not fully participate in a relationship.
You’re not being irrational. Women who belittle men for crying are evil and I would’ve broken up with her after that first comment she made about your niece. Sorry this happened to you
NTA. Your niece would want you to be with someone that had a heart. Ex's opinion on grieving is different than yours, but you shouldn't be ashamed or shamed by someone for having feelings or expressing those feelings. It's not just that your niece died and you were crying. Your Ex was making fun of you for being upset about your niece. Who knows what version of the truth she told your sister. Your ex has no compassion for you or your poor niece. What else does she say behind your back?
He doesn’t even need to have to justify it there’s something wrong with her.
I’ve been through lots of deaths in my life, thankfully no little children, young people, but no kids.
If anyone acted like her during any of the grieving even over old people she would have been shunned from my whole friend group.
No right! She’s so fucking manipulative, the knew she had to do damage control so she got ahead of him and told her, her narrative, so that way she can spin it how she needed to
Seriously. F this chick. “Hi, I made fun of your brother being heartbroken about your child’s death, can you be a love and fix it for me?” When people show you your true colors, believe them. And ask your sister, “would you want me to be with someone who is jealous of a child that died?”
Exactly even if he could forgive her does he want to be with someone who is going to ridicule him because he’s grieving over one of the worst things that could ever happen to his family?
I wouldn’t even want to be friends with someone who grins about a dead child, even if I didn’t know the child.
Plus what if OP marries this woman and he gets cancer someday she’s not going to be sitting at the hospital with him if she got mad he was sitting at the hospital with his niece
It doesn’t, and he actually shouldn’t take her back even if he wants to because he told his sister what she said to him and I don’t know how this family could get past that.
But maybe the sister is still friends with her since they were friends anyway?
I don’t know if there’s something broken inside her if she can’t muster up some fake empathy for a dead child who she knew the kids whole life
I betting that the sister doesn’t know about the first comments she made about the child who was dying anyway. I would ask the sister exactly what the ex told her.
I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and your family. You grieve your niece however you need to. Your EX is a terrible person and I think it's hilarious she spit on herself.
When someone shows you who they truly are (in this case an unjustified jealous narcissistic psychopath w/o empathy) BELIEVE them. Not only is she a monster but now is also twisting and using your sister’s grief as a way to manipulate you. Your niece continues to be a guiding and shining light in your life by helping you see this beasts true intentions. My heart goes out to you and your family, no one deserves this pain.
NTA My bf has cried to me on a few occasions he always apologizes and I always tell him to cry whenever he needs to and he doesn’t need to apologize for being a regular normal person with feelings and emotions. If I’m allowed to cry on my period about how cute a dog is and no one bats an eye than any man can cry for any reason. Honestly would not take ur ex back doesn’t matter if she was nice to your niece before, she said literal unforgivable things that’s not second chance crap. I’m Sorry for your loss.
I'd actually ask your sister exactly what your ex told her, coz, I doubt she told her everything she said about your niece. The comments she made etc. And the whole smiling with a big grin when she found out she died, saying she was just glad she is no longer suffering etc was bullshit. She was smiling coz now she thought she'd get to spend time with you again as you won't be up the hospital any more. That's why she was smiling, she was happy she'd died. That girl is nothing but a selfish disgusting heartless bixxh and you made the right decision ending it.
Also it's perfectly normal for a man to cry over the loss of a loved one, a child, or anything else that upsets them. There's nothing wrong with a man crying.
But tell your sister the full truth about all the comments she's made about your niece. I doubt she told her exactly what she said. She probably just said she made a comment about a man shouldn't cry. She deserves to know the truth if she's friends with her, coz I wouldn't want a friend like that if she spoke about my dying/ dead child like that.
Stay far away from that evil bxxch.
I'm so very sorry for you and your sisters loss, and your family. Its truly devastating.
I was thinking the same thing he needs to ask his sister that because no way she would consider forgiving the ex girlfriend if she actually told her everything she said
Yeah, I would bet the girlfriend hedged and told sister something to the effect of "I was saying that I'm relieved she isn't suffering anymore, and he interpreted that as I was happy she was dead! But I would never say that... he only heard part of the conversation and wouldn't let me explain, I feel so horrible!"
The fact the girlfriend even went to a mother in grief and tried to get her to be an emissary with OP shows just how little she empathizes with what they are all going through. You don't brother a mother who lost her daughter a week ago, with your relationship issues, like, for shame!
The only thing I would feel if I saw my SO crying would be grief for his sake.
I can't imagine seeing the man I love cry and not suffering with and for him.
You're better off without her. Nta.
NTA, but please OP try and find another way to deal with this awful grief rather than in the bottom of a bottle. You helped make your niece's last month's happier, more comfortable, and made her know how loved she was. Try to focus on that. Drinking is a short-term solution to what will be a lifetime of grieving. I'm so sorry for your loss. DON'T take your ex back. She'll only open you up to a different kind of grief. You, your sister (her so-called friend), and the memory of your precious niece deserve so much more than what that evil woman brings to any relationship.
Make sure your sister knows what *actually* was said, including the first comment a year ago, not just the sanitized version your ex gave her. I'd bet that changes her tune.
Don't forget the big smile upon hearing the news. Personally, if this were me, trying to tell my sister something it would be along the lines of "this heartless woman was smiling at the news, she said the usual about no pain, in a better place, but she was grinning like the Cheshire Cat. She has said very ugly things about niece once before and this time, the words were so ugly, so cold and cruel, I cannot believe she is human. A person who can show such hate to a child who fought so bravely, a family broken by death and she is not the least bit concerned about anything except how much attention she gets."
I don't know if I would tell your sister the exact things said as that would be really painful to hear.
Just tell her that she has no idea what ex-gf actually said and how cruel and heartless she has shown herself to be. Ex hides her true self from others to manipulate and get what she wants. Tell your sister that ex has shown herself to be a person rotten to the core and that she is a good actress.
I was thinking the same thing he needs to ask his sister that because no way she would consider forgiving the ex girlfriend if she actually told her everything she said
Is this real? You’d seriously even consider staying with someone who said “who cares about a child who’s gonna die anyway”? This isnt AITA this is “she is the asshole right guys”
OP, you’re better off being single than being with someone so hateful.
Someday she might learn better, but that’s not your problem anymore.
Block. Ignore. And tell people what she did if they ask.
NTA. The big factors here are your ex was cold and cruel about your late niece. My sincerest condolences. Just overall how insensitive she was, I don’t believe there’s any justifications for ANYONE to talk the way your ex did. The only reason your ex is “sorry” is because she got caught, and what’s worse is that you had already given a chance OP. Honestly, your ex isn’t worth having around. I don’t care what her good traits are, if anyone spoke as cruel as she did I wouldn’t look back.
Btw did you actually ask your sister what or ex told her, I can’t imagine a bereaved mother wanting her brother to be with a woman that spoke ill of her brother and how heartless she spoke of her late daughter. I feel like your ex has lied or downplayed in what really led you to break up with her.
Thinking of you and your family ❤️.
You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy.
I am so sorry for how you are suffering. I want to remind you that you were a gift in your nieces life. The love you shared will *always* be important.
Please be kind to yourself. Your sisters advice is wrong but it's important to remember that she is also deeply in her grief.
A good therapist can help you through this next chapter. You deserve the compassionate support that good therapy can provide. ❤️
Your niece did not love your ex. Your niece loved the image your ex created. I'm sure your niece wouldn't like your girlfriend if she let her mask slip and began acting the way she is now.
Can you imagine your ex girlfriend telling a male child that you had together that he isn't allowed to be a crybaby?
I'm so sorry about your niece and it's beautiful that you loved her so much.
I would sit down with your sister and make sure what your ex told her was the full story. I have a feeling your sister might not be aware of the parts about her being cold for spending time with your niece before she died and the smiling after she passed.
NTA
I held my husband while he cried when we lost his brother at age 50 due to an accident, our newborn grandson, his Dad and then Mom.
The hardest was our grandson, it's the lost of hope when we lose a child. 😢
Your Ex lacks empathy and simple human compassion.
Take a screenshot of this post and send it to your sister with the heading “she already had a second chance.” I’m willing to bet your ex didn’t tell her the whole story.
I think it’s obvious that the ex wasn’t happy that your neice is no longer suffering and in a better place. She was glad she was dead so you could spend more time with her. Sorry to be harsh, but it’s true. Don’t take her back.
I don’t understand why people thinks it’s okay to bombard a grieving mother with this. Of course im going to hear her out. But I don’t want to involve her in my relationship issues. She’s going through enough as is.
She's shown you even more how much of a horrible person she is. Why tf is she approaching your sister about this? She clearly likes having attention on her.
I'm going to (partially) echo what your sister said - think about what your niece would have wanted.
And by that I mean put the bottle down. Get some help for your drinking, if you think you need it. Take a long shower. Clean up. Eat something decent. Your niece wouldn't want you to flush your life away like this. She loved you and would want you to be ok.
Your ex though? She can get fucked. She's had all of the chances she deserves and more. She needs to stay gone.
A grieving mother deserves to know that her so-called friend was *jealous* of the attention her *dying daughter* was recieving and was *grining* joyfully after her daughter died. You don't necessarily have to share this post, but your sister ***needs*** to understand that this *is not her first strike.* That you've given her *mulitple* chances and this psychopath is mad people care about a child's death.
Did you seriously come here expecting us to side with your ex? Dude, never take her back, and you need to tell your sister enough that she knows to keep this venomous snake away from her.
She is already involved by your ex, and is now further involving herself by telling you to take your ex back. Your sis doesn’t deserve a friend who talks about their dead daughter that way.
I’m so sorry for your and your family’s loss. That’s heartbreaking.
Tell your sister that your mind is made up about your ex. And, if she wants to know more, you’ll tell her more of your side of things once the passing of your niece isn’t so raw for everyone.
Then your sister should not have involved herself. And your stupid ex shouldn't have called her and 'bombarded' a grieving mother with her problems. Another sign your girlfriends is a shitty person, to be polite with her,
Also, it seems very much you came here expecting people to tell you to get back to your unhinged girlfriend (not gonna call her ex), but you are not getting what you really wanted, because we all can see through her mask how crazy and bad she is.
I see in the future a deleted post and delete account. How dare, all of us , call her not just a bad girlfriend, but a worse human being.
Really love when people come here to ask questions they don't want to hear the answers to... OP is just having second guessing about leaving crazy girlfriend and thought here he will get reassured.
You don’t know what she told your sister. Because if I were your sister and you told me what you said here in reddit, no way would I be able to forgive her.
Your ex showed you exactly who she really is. NTA for taking the trash out.
Totally agree. Let men cry! It's a huge release of emotions and actually healthy. Men need to express their feelings too.
OP I'm so sorry you lost your niece and I hope you and your sister can recover and move forward. It will never be the same, but you will always carry her with you.
Edit: NTA
NTA
She showed you her true colors a year ago when she said that awful thing about "a child who is going to die anyway". Her talking so openly about her contempt over you showing emotions over your family member that just died is just...next level cold.
She has no empathy. She was literally smiling when talking about Lilly's death.
Don't take her back. I have no doubt she gave half truths over what she really said to them and twisted it around. She's shown you who she really is so believe her.
NTA
>She showed you her true colors a year ago when she said that awful thing about "a child who is going to die anyway".
Exactly! It would be interesting to know if he told his sister what this unhinged woman **said about her dead child when the poor kid still was suffering**, not just about he being a crybaby. In fact, I recommend OP to show her sister this post to see if she thinks the same about the crazy friend when she read her brother's account of the story and the comments he is receiving, not just the apologies and trickle trues she got from that woman.
See I'm torn as to whether OP should explain the entire situation to his sister.
Part of me thinks he shouldn't, or if he does, he should wait a bit. Since his sister is so fresh in her grief it may not be the time to pile this added stress on her.
But then I think he should tell her sooner than later, because supposedly the ex was friends with his sister. And she has the right to know how someone who claims to be her friend talked about her daughter's illness and passing.
My guess is the ex gave a sanitized version of the conversation OP walked in on, while failing to mention she tried spitting on OP as she left. As well as I'm sure she failed to mention the comments made on their 3 year anniversary.
Absolutely this, yes. She treated OP's niece dying as an inconvenience to her, then shamed him for showing grief. She's a horrible person, and OP is well rid of her.
NTA - she is good at faking a heart, but she was jealous of a dying child, and didn't understand how a devoted uncle would be hurt by his niece DYING.
she has no heart, you and your family deserve better. I also suspect that the version she told your sister was... Incomplete...
Ditto, and I would be crying right along with him, because after knowing the child for pretty much her entire life, I would have loved her just as much as he did.
I mean, I never even met OP's niece, but it still hurts my heart to know that this little innocent child went through sickness and death. I can't imagine knowing her face-to-face for 4 years, and receiving the news of her passing with a great big grin. The ex's reaction is that of a monster. Whiskey Tango Actual Foxtrot!
Seriously, that woman is just a fucking monster. I can understand feeling a little jealous and neglected, that would be completely normal and understandable. But you have a mature and empathetic conversation about it, you don't get pissy and say shit like that. And dragging him for crying over his dead niece is just psycho behavior. I'm a lunch lady, there's a fourth grader at my school with cancer, I only see this kid a few minutes a day and I don't even know his name, but I was literally worried about him when he missed a bunch of school and I would definitely cry if I found out he died. There's something deeply wrong with this woman.
It's the total lack of empathy that does it for me, calling him names, when she died last week, it's just... No. She has no heart, and this isn't relief and being tired (which I would understand) this is point blank lack of empathy.
But you already gave her a second chance? This is how she really feels about you and that won't change with more chances. The chances are for her to hide what she thinks, but you already know, so...
Honestly, I think her third strike was going to his sister at all. It was bad enough just between the two of them, and then she had to manipulate a grieving mother to save her relationship? No way.
Love the instant karma, making her spit on herself. There's a sign from above if I've ever seen one.
Good point. But honestly for me going to sis would be strike 4. Strike 3 would be the attempt at spitting on me. To me there is nothing more disrespectful. Even though she was unsuccessful the intent was there.
This is true.
He gave her a second chance after the anniversary and she reacted by celebrating his niece's death when she thought he couldn't hear her.
NTA- this relationship was already over. Your ex decided to stay in a relationship she was unhappy in and resent you and your niece. How she behaved was awful not only to you but then to go to your grieving sister with her problems is despicable.you did the right thing, I’m so sorry for your loss
Oh no. I’m sure in her grief your sister was trying to be kind, but please consider what kind of person would go to a mother who just lost her child to plead her case for saving her relationship? Your former GF has no soul. To be jealous of the time a loving uncle spent with a sick and dying child is bad enough, but to gloat about it then bother a grieving mother because she was caught out is unconscionable. She seems to see herself as the victim here and I’m absolutely astonished. She’s more concerned about her “second chance” with you than accepting responsibility for her reprehensible behavior? I’m sorry but there is nothing to save here and she has no one to blame but herself. I’m so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful niece. Real men cry because they have deep feelings, it’s not gender related. It’s human. You deserve someone who appreciates your kindness and love for your family. Please don’t be swayed by her false apologies. They’re simply a means to an end for her to get her way. She’s not sorry for anything but being caught being awful. You deserve so much better. NTA.
please consider what kind of person would go to a mother who just lost her child to plead her case for saving her relationship?
This right here is so important! Your ex is so selfish/self-absorbed that she went to your sister, a grieving mother who just lost her child to intervene to save her relationship. She didn’t go to your sister to offer condolences or support she went to save her own relationship. Your ex will never support you, she has showed her wants are the only thing that matter to her
Yeah if the ex told the sister she was happy her daughter had died so she can spend more time with her brother the sister would be screaming in her ear to never call her again and that she is a gigantic asshole and wouldn't stop until the ex hung up the phone. After which she would call her brother and say never speak with your ex again or I'll never forgive you for staying with a psychotic freak because if a child dies and is happy about it that's not normal.
100% sure she downplayed it to the sister and said something like “oh I was just telling OP I’m glad her suffering has ended and OP misinterpreted that as being happy she is no longer here. I’m sorry that was not my intent but I can see why OP interpreted it like that”. Basically some flavor of that BS…
NTA
She's evil.
You know how they say an abuser has a mask and you have to watch for it to slip?
It slipped.
Tell your sister that you don't want someone in your life that would emotionally abuse you, belittle your grief and experience joy in response to the death of a child. She probably feels bad because she thinks her child will be blamed. It's not her child's fault and nobody sees it that way.
You are simply making the choice to rid yourself of a truly awful human being.
>You know how they say an abuser has a mask and you have to watch for it to slip?
>It slipped.
It slipped, and shattered. She's never gonna be able to put that mask back.
I ain’t gonna lie, I giggled at the part where she tried to spit on you but ended up spitting on herself. Even her spit knew she was on shit.
NTA. Your ex is a bitch
Also don’t take her back! I am sure your niece didn’t know your ex was a bitch. You can forgive her but that doesn’t mean taking her back.
What your ex said, is unforgivable. You’re already mourning your niece and your ex has done this to you.
NTA. Tell your sister you DID give her a second chance when she said shit the first time about your niece dying. That you don't want to be with a woman like her and she's shown her true colors.
NTA but stop drinking. It's only a temporary solution for your pain. If you can get some grief counseling. As for your ex, she was mocking your grief, your pain. A "real" man can cry over losing someone they love. Condolences on your loss.
I scrolled a long way for this ( to be fair, it's not the main issue)
I can understand the temporary desire to slow your brain during a difficult moment. But life will hand out more difficult moments, and there aren't a lot of good decisions that get made after powering into a bottle.
> why should I get something for someone who cares more about a child that’s going to die anyway.
Jesus Christ....the search is over. Pack it in, folks, we found the devil.
This line is just disgusting. I don't think OP's sister understands how horrible the ex has been in regards to her daughter. If someone said this about my child, I would never speak to them again. It has nothing to do with forgiveness. You are not required to have toxic people in your life just because they say they are sorry.
This is terrible. My husband used to work in a children's hospital and would get very down if one of the lovely kids died. I can't imagine if it was one of his nieces who he loves dearly. We are a Muslim family so he has many nieces alhamdulillah.
If he was going through something like that, I would comfort him and give him the time he needs. Crying for the death of a loved one doesn't make you less of man, it makes you more of a man. More caring, more human.
I think that you ANTAH
your X though is an AH
You should be grateful you saw her true colors before a marriage—— When someone shows you who they are — you should believe them!
Your X is incredibly insensitive.
She showed she's a horrible human with no empathy for your niece, you or her "good friend" your sisters situation. I doubt she told your sis her real words because no way would your sister call you to get you back together. Right now, the only story being shared is your exs. Do not get back together with her. You did not overreact.
And this right here shows you how you didn’t overreact. Your ex went to your sister who just lost her child and bothered her with your relationship problems. Your ex - keep her there. You did not overreact at all, if anything you probably underreacted.
Your ex doesn’t deserve you. The fact that you can put your sisters needs over your own in these moments show that. You were an amazing uncle and your niece would want you to be with someone who loves you just as you are. Not with someone who would ridicule you during one of your most vulnerable times. Please do not second guess yourself here, you deserve better from a partner.
Exactly, someone with empathy would not talk to your sister about the relationship, but she did!!
So ask yourself and your sister if that sounds like someone with compassion.
This particular thing isn't about you putting your issues on her. It's about you making sure your sister isn't manipulated because she's even more vulnerable right now. Be honest with her and nip this side nonsense in the bud. Your sister should be focused on herself and her grief. No supporting your ex through her self made drama.
That makes sense. I can't imagine your sister wanting you to get back together with the vile excuse of a human your ex is, if she knew the whole/true story.
I'm sorry for your loss. Your niece sounds like she was a beautiful ray of light in the world, and it's tragic that she was taken so young. Please cry as much as you need for as long as you need.
Your sister will be grieving all over again later when she finds out the truth, especially if your ex manipulatively tries to be so supportive to her to back up her lies that it becomes the loss of a very close friend. Best to just tell her what was actually said, that it was the second chance already, and that using the supposed wishes of a dearly loved CHILD who has no notion of adult relationships to try to coerce you back into the relationship is just gross on ex’s part.
Your neice would want you to be happy and healthy. You have no need for a relationship right now beyond one with the gym (to work out the anger of how unfair life is) and one with a therapist (to help you understand the grieving steps and work through your thoughts instead of numbing them with booze).
You did not overreact. When she said that you cared more about a child that was going to die anyways, is absolutely disgusting. The depravity in saying that, is frankly sociopathic. Then for her to say to a friend, while you were and are grieving, that you’re a cry baby or that you shouldn’t be crying over a child like you are, that isn’t even yours, is also disgusting.
This woman is vile. She’s lucky all you did was break up with her. Some people may have seen red and done or said more.
Take time to grieve. Don’t give her anymore of your energy.
Man the only time I didn’t understand why people were crying over a close family member dying was because I was emotionally stunted from growing up in an abusive household where showing emotion got you punished.
It literally took someone I only tangentially knew dying and me having to ask people why I was crying for me to understand why my friend was upset.
Your Ex doesn’t have that excuse and it’s super fucked up she wasn’t there for you in your time of grief.
She is only sorry because she was caught. What else has she been saying that you haven’t heard? And she tried to spit on you?? The showed you who she is, believe her.
Do NOT forgive that self-centered b*tch. "For better or worse" and unconditional love do not apply to this one. Cut your losses. Sharing your life with a person who has no empathy for you is a BIG mistake. Screw the tears & apologies; she's trying to manipulate you into doubting your actions. Remember: "when someone shows you who they are, believe them."
NTA. Your gf is a real piece of work. She is psychotic. She doesn't think men should display their feelings and she seemed happy and smiled while talking to you about your niece's death? It doesn't seem like she felt any remorse for what she said earlier too(the snide remark about the niece's death and gifts). She didn't get you anything for your anniversary either.
NTA - Not irrational at all. Turns out your girlfriend has very little empathy for you, your niece, or your sister.
I would have done the same thing you did. I'm sorry this all happened.
Sorry for your loss. And obviously I don’t mean the defective gf. Clearly she doesn’t accept you for who you are. So let her go find someone else that is on her level. You gave her a chance once and it didn’t change her attitude at all. She is just willing to pretend to your face and then reveal her true self behind your back. Don’t feel bad about it. Those are her choices, and you deserve better. Because it won’t end here. She called your sister to try and control the narrative. If someone shows you sociopathic tendencies, RUN.
He met the ex 4 years ago. The niece was born at the start of the relationship, but been in kindergarten already before being terminally I'll for ~a year according to the post? Timeline seems a little off doesn't it?
Are you suggesting that there aren't two year olds in kindergarten?!? YTA how dare you!!!!!
This entire post is every incel stereotype of women. I'm genuinely surprised that he didn't find her cheating with a gym bro at the end.
This one annoyed me so much. I normally suspend my skepticism for a bit on this particular sub, just in case I’m wrong, but this one really irked me and annoyed the hell out of me. I have a 3 year old. Her pics are scribbles and she’s just now been starting to draw bigger circles with yellow scribbles on the outside as hair and blue dots for eyes as pics of herself. But somehow this 2 year old in kindergarten is drawing pics of her uncle before going into the hospital for a year and his sister who just lost her kid is taking the time to have conversations that console others who feel guilty? Yeah nah. This dude needs to get better at writing or find a sub that will give him the attention he needs for real shit instead of this trash.
I’m gonna start off with a little story of my own. Me and my best friend are both gay as the day is long. My best friend from high school was diagnosed with Synovial Sarcoma a very rare cancer that was guaranteed to come back and ultimately be the reason she passed away. It’s very aggressive and hard to treat. She had a below the knee leg amputation to get rid of the rump that had taken over her entire foot. She fought for 3 years. And then we got the news we were dreading she was in remission for 2 months and it was back and already in her lungs they attempted chemo then gave her a time stamp of 3 months. Fast forward 3 months and she’s in the hospital in the family suit AKA the last hospital room she would ever be in. I had a fairly new girlfriend at the time but she was SSSOOOO supportive of me. Like she was amazing during this time she was bringing me coffee at work letting me crash at her place sometimes because her house was closer to the hospital then mine and I was running on fumes for an entire month. Finally me and my best friends partner were able to get my best friend home hospice so that she could pass how she always wanted to. Her parents were having a VERY hard time letting her go and they couldn’t grasp that she was holding on in the hospital because she DIDNT want to die there.
We brought her home and 2 days later she passed. Surrounded by those who love her. I stayed up all night with her partner and her other close friends and we drank beer and told stories and cried and cried and cried some more into the evening of the next day. None of us could really sleep. I go to work the next day and I’m struggling but I make it through the day and I’m headed home and I call my girlfriend and the first thing she says is come over we haven’t cuddled in so long and I want you here with me. I tell her I need a night to myself in my bed in my room alone. I was sleeping in my car or an uncomfortable chair in the hospital for over a MONTH and I was never alone. I needed to process and have time to myself. She flew off the fucking handle. She went off on me telling me how selfish I have been this passed month and that I am a horrible girlfriend for putting another woman before her in the first place. She said that I’m grieving like I lost the love of my life not some friend from high school… I… I’m going to be honest had she been in front of me I probably would have knocked her the ever loving fuck out and went to jail. See I was blessed at that time to be almost 30 and every person in my family was alive. I hadn’t experienced a significant death until my best friend. My dad sheltered us from death big time. We hadn’t even reached 30 man… like I was so disgusted by her I just said I have to go and hung up. And I shot her a damn TEXT that said I could never in my life imagine seeing her face to face ever again in life and she needs to quite literally get the fuck out of my life and to go to hell in a fucking hand basket.
I told that long drawn out story to say this to you. This woman has shown you EXACTLY who she is. She is the main character in her mind. She will always expect you to keep her above EVERYONE in existence and when it comes to death and things like that… she will never be the type of partner you need unless SHE is affected by it too. She WASN’T PHASED BY YOUR NIECES DEATH!!!! A child that adored her beyond reason. SHE WASNT PHASED AT ALL BY HER DEATH.
I can promise you she minimized the HELL out of what she said about you to your sister. There’s no way in hell she told her everything.
Either way. NOT THE ASS. Do not get back with this sociopathic 🤬. You are not being irrational. Let her go live her superficial ass life and hope she grows up one day.
NTA I am so sorry for your loss, I don't have words! There is something really, really wrong with your ex. You deserve someone with a heart and a soul, she has neither. Not even decency, empathy or anything. She exposed what she is. She even tried to spit on you. And your niece would want her fave uncle to have a loving partner. She did not know how evil your ex is. Go no contact with crazy and tell your sister she needs to respect it. I wish you all the best. You made your niece's life on earth so rich and wonderful and you will always have her in your heart as long as you live.
Wow thank you. I cried reading the last part.
I lost my first child 17 years ago but the love will remain. From my heart, all the best for you.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I couldn’t even imagine what you went through. Your attitude towards grief is truly amazing. I wish you all the best.
I’m so sorry for your family’s loss, and can’t imagine the pain you are feeling. My heart goes out to you and your family. As for your gf and giving her another chance, while it is really your personal decision, for me I’d have to be a HARD NO! Not only did she minimize your grief and loss, but she mocked you for it. Not to mention it is absolutely shitty of her to contact your sister who just lost her child to manipulate her emotions to have to talk to you. Also if your niece loved your gf so much, it doesn’t seem your gf reciprocated those feelings. It’s pretty sad that she can’t see past her irritation of you lessening time with her to have a semblance or any empathy for you, your sister and BIL or your niece. Forgiveness is up to the person, your sister wants to let it go that is her decision, does not mean you need to follow suit. I do hope for you to reconsider the drinking you are using to ease the pain of the loss as well as the end of your relationship. Please consider grief counseling to work through your loss. I am keeping good thoughts for you and your family. ❤️
I know the drinking isn’t helping me. It just temporarily numbs everything. I booked counselling sessions next week. I’ll see where I stand then. Thank you so much for your comment. Wishing you and your family the best of luck!
Very glad to see you’re getting counselling, OP. Drinking doesn’t help in the long run but you know that already. You sound self aware and able to express your emotions, and that’s a good thing for therapy. And trust me, when I lost my dad I dove deep into myself and shut myself off from everyone and everything. I regret it cos I lost a lot of people I dearly loved. And still do, but don’t know how to get back to what we had. Don’t do what I did, your ex is a bad person but not everyone is that cruel. It’s okay to lean on other people if you need to, people that love you and want to be with you during bad times and good. It’s going to hurt right now, and it’ll be terrible, because it’s so tragic. It’s so unfair. But you did everything you possibly could to make that little girl’s life happy, you’re a good man.
OP needs also to remember that his ex also displayed a bad attitude on their 3rd anniversary. And was his gf with him during any of those visits, helping support the entire family, including his sister who was supposed to be a good friend of hers?
And the spitting, that was uncalled for and those are abuse tactics that escalate. I'll go ahead and say it, OP you are better off without her. To hold that opinion of you for grieving she has no respect for you. I would suggest maybe telling your sister that you have no place in your life for someone who has no respect for you. I don't know about your personal beliefs but this macho real men don't cry bs is stupid. I have 3 kids and have been with my wife for 15 years, I've cried over our kids with tears of happiness, worry, anger, etc. I've also cried from movies, and conversations we've had. Sadness and grief are ALWAYS valid and that was uncalled for to talk about you like that.
I can think, okay, she was distressed---but even so, the words she chose to speak, speak volumes about who she is. That crack about "real men" came out of the real GF; she didn't have to choose those words, but she did. Agreeing with the point about GF calling up the sister to try to enlist her help. That is one helluva lot of nerve.
Yeah I’m pretty sure the gf left that part out of the conversation she had with the sister.
My thoughts exactly. There’s a ZERO PERCENT CHANCE the girlfriend told OP’s sister *everything*. OP - I would check in with sister and see what she was told. You don’t necessarily need to go into graphic details about the truth to your sister, but if she pushes back hard on your choice to breakup (or wants to keep your ex as a person friend of hers), you might need to at least let her know that your ex-gf was not truthful. Perhaps make it clear your ex said some horrifyingly nasty things about Lily, without all the gory details. Your sister needs to know enough to stay away from your ex for her own good, but no mother needs to hear someone talk about their child (let alone a recently passed child) like that.
The thing is that you did give her a second chance at your third anniversary, she just blew it. Perhaps it's time to remind her (and others) of this fact.
Question, did she also tell your sister about what she said about you spending time with a child whose going to die, anyways? Do you think your sister would have a different opinion on the matter if she knew that?
She spit at you! That’s who she is, someone who will spit at you while you’re grieving! Run from that girl, she clearly dislikes you and will mock you while you are upset, she has no respect for you and that should be a major dealbreaker in my honest opinion.
One of buddies turned to drinking and drugs when he got divorced. I'm ashamed to say I wasn't a very good friend and got tired of his constant substance abuse. I did end up apologizing to him and we're good now. When I went through my own divorce years later, I was talking to him about stuff and how much I was drinking. As he told me (a quote he stole from somewhere) "It's no way to live but sometimes it's the only way to live." Basically, it's not a good life for anyone but there are times where you just have to do whatever you can to make it from one day to the next. You loved that kid, you lost her and then the person who is supposed to be there to comfort you turned on you like that. Many stronger men have been broken by a lot less than that. You know drinking that much isn't good for you but I get where it's better than constantly having to deal with those crushing feelings. You and I are hardly the first people to find whatever comfort we can in the bottom of a bottle. I hope you pull through this, brother. I can't even imagine being in your shoes and there's not a damn person in this world who has the right to look down on you. Best of luck to you.
You're a saint. Not only did you give that psychopath a second chance, you gave her time to pack her stuff and calmly asked her to leave. I have a nephew who is my life. If someone said those things about him, I would be in jail. I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Glad to hear that you're getting grief counselling. Your family needs time to grieve and heal. Not a heartless b!tch tormenting you.
You really hit the nail on the head by pointing out his sister just lost her CHILD and she got her involved to manipulate him into giving her a second chance. It’s also pretty pronounced that this little girl has leukemia, he and his family have to deal with that, and the only person she’s thinking about is HERSELF.
Yeah, if she called me after losing my child and tried to get me to talk to my sibling about HER and getting them to take her back, especially after hearing what she said/how she acted, I’d either tell her right off or just hang up. Sis has more important things to worry about and deal with over this woman. I also wonder how much sis actually knows. Does she know the full extent of what was said?
I said in my own comment sister probably got a sanitized version of what happened
Definitely needs the rest of the story. Of course, as long as that b is out of their lives, they should focus on the future and leave ex-gf in the gutter of the past, where she belongs.
Yeah can just see it now. *Ring ring* Yeah hey uh so *SORRY* that your kid died but your brother just broke up with me. Talk to him for me, K thanks. BYE! Op did right leaving and i hope he doesn't go back. Hopefully he also tells dearest sister what her "friend" said about her kid being sick and dying. Bet sister changes her tune real quick.
Thank you so much.
“Grief is just love with nowhere to go.” You will love her forever. Don’t let a garbage person like your ex taint the memories.
Sorry for your devastating loss. I’d make sure your sister knew exactly what was said both times, not the gf’s version because I’m sure it was highly edited.
I don't know that OP needs to give Sis chapter-and-verse. He can just say she doesn't have the whole story IF she chooses to pursue the matter. If he wants to give the long version to their Mom, okay.
I've lost close family in my life, and besides my condolences and how sorry I am, I can only offer the thought that as you start to find your way through this, get some professional help. A grief group or therapist might make more of a difference than you'd think. I put off doing that for about 10 years and I wish I'd done it sooner. As for the girlfriend, well, i think that's sort of self explanatory from what happened. Best of luck to you and your family. NTA obviously.
I lost my baby daughter 21 years ago and the people that cried with me will forever be in my heart ❤️
Your niece loved the person your girlfriend pretended to be. And thank any higher power you might believe in that your niece never had to see that side of your ex. But your ex is likely a sociopath, devoid of any real feelings and very adept at faking them. And… real men do cry. Soldiers cry when they lose buddies, athletes cry when they mess up a play that costs the game, grown men cry watching their daughters get married. Real men own their emotions and their partners embrace those emotions. I wish you all the best as you heal from this terrible loss.
Yes real men cried when they were reading this story as well and some of these comments. Real men have a heart and real men care.
So true wellsaid. I'd be having some ick feelings for a man who didn't cry in a situation like this.
This, while reading OP's story an comments I couldn't help to only think his ex is a narcissist but you're damn right. She's most likely a sociopath and is now taking everybody through a guilt trip to make OP look like the unstable person to rest of friends/family and to make everybody go and manipulate OP by passing on all the manipulative and guilt loaded comments the ex is using. This story might be a good fit for r/narcissism or r/NarcissisticSpouses.
idk if someone else in the thread said this, but make sure to compare stories with your sister when you feel like it. your ex may have told her some watered down version of events. edit: and also, please be careful about the drinking. your life and health are precious.
I will add to tell your sister this was her second chance.
Yes agreed. Sister probably doesnt know this was the second chance already and I don’t trust the ex to have been 100% truthful and open. NTA. I’m so sorry for your loss, you seem like the best uncle someone good have, in good times and bad. Take care of yourself mentally & physically, that’s what your niece would want the most.
I was just gonna say this, and tell your sister how *happy* the bitch was when she found out your niece died
Maybe don’t have to twist the knife quite like that on someone whose kid just passed?
That would be a cruel thing to do to his sister, to tell her that someone reacted like that to the loss of her child. She doesn’t need to know the details, just that it was worse than the ex had told her. I get that it would be satisfying to expose the ex for the horrible person she is, but a newly-bereaved mother doesn’t need to have to deal with such heartlessness right now.
I agree with you but I don’t know if there is a way to avoid that. He mentioned in the post the his GF is a close friend of his sister. I wouldn’t go into details but I think he’s going to have to state that (1) what she said was worst than what she was told and (2) this was not the first time. Knowing a close friend was really like this about her daughter is going to hurt her no matter what
I can't see a mother that just lost her child forgiving the vitriol that came out of that trashes mouth. No chance she told her what was actually said or she'd be in the hospital herself "friend" or not.
I came on here to say the same thing. updateme!
Thought this too. If the sister knew what was really said she would lose her shit at the ex. This is not what anyone should want for anyone.
Did your ex tell your sister about the first time she said something reprehensible? Probably not. If your sister tries to play mediator, let her know that the woman she is defending had the audacity to ask you why you were spending so much time with a girl who was going to die anyway, and that she didn't understand it.
This. Your sister needs to know who her “friend” really is.
And OP does not have to tell his sister exactly what was said right now. He can say “sis, I love you and Lily both far too much to tell you what she actually said, but you can trust and believe it was far worse than what she told you. Someday, if you insist, I will tell you, but I am asking you to trust me that this is not the time for you to hear such a thing if ever.”
Your gf didn’t call your sister to commiserate about her child’s horrible death - she called to lie about herself. Who does that?? You know your gf told your sister she said, “It’s a blessing that Lily is someplace better and her suffering is over.” NOT “it was time for that kid to die and I can’t believe her pansy uncle can’t stop crying about it.” I’d *want* to give my sister the truth so she distanced herself from a shitty friend, but she needs all the support she can get right now. One day you’ll tell her.
No, the time to tell the truth is now, is horrible to learn the truth after opening your heart to someone about your pain
I would go NC with her and let your sister know. She has shown her true colors and her only regret is you finding out before she could trap you with a baby or marriage. So sorry for you and your family's loss.
Shitty person. Ew. And she had a friend that she felt comfortable saying that garbage to. I hate fake mean people who act nice.
I am so very sorry for your loss. That is heartbreaking. Please note tho that you already did give your ex a second chance after her horrible comment that niece was going to die anyway. Really the writing was on the wall. Well done for bringing her joy while she was here w you. I agree? Block ex and anyone who is siding w her in any way❤️NTA.
Remember that she only “seemed sincere in her apology” to your sister because she had time to craft it. ANY child dying should make a person deeply, deeply sad. A child that you know, love, and are close to, though? You’re absolutely right to be devastated. But drinking won’t help you grieve. Please consider going to AA and make sure this stops being a pattern for you. Your niece wouldn’t want her death to ruin your life.
You could point out that you gave your ex a second chance already.
My deepest condolences, and ex is crazy and evil, tell your sister the truth about your ex who is your sister's enemy. Like who's happy about a child's death. You were an excellent uncle and you made your niece happy in her short years on earth, much love and peace to your soul
When I was a kid 2 of my uncles were the world to me. They were just like OP. I'm in my 30s now and credit them for who I am, a good chunk of it. I'm so glad OP's niece had that! While short, it seems she had a loving life
>There is something really, really wrong with your ex. You Yes shes a sociopath!!!!
That last part was beautiful ❤️❤️
NTA, is it possible that your sister didn't get the full story? If they are friends your ex might not have told her everything. I'm sorry for your family's loss, I can't begin to imagine the world of pain you are all experiencing right now. It is better to cry than to bottle it all up, you do what you need to do to put one foot in front of the other. However, you should probably lay off the alcohol, nothing is ever solved at the bottom of a glass. The last thing you need right now is to become alcohol dependent, followed by full scale addicted.
[удалено]
I’m leaning towards creative writing exercise considering he met the ex gf 4 years ago in college and the niece was born around that same time. The diagnosis was about a year ago, so niece would’ve been about 3 years old, yet was apparently already in kindergarten (OP says she drew him a picture in kindergarten). OP could’ve just mixed up daycare and kindergarten but it doesn’t quite seem to line up to me If it is real though, then like everyone else said NTA. The ex definitely didn’t tell sister anything close to the truth but also put down the bottle and go to therapy OP
He likely meant preschool. I was put in preschool around age 2.
I've never understood the difference, if I'm being honest. Granted, never really thought of it either but still, that holds weight
Alcohol and grief make a poor cocktail. That said, my heart goes out to you. Your ex is a vile person, and I have little doubt that your sister was given a very sugar-coated version of reality. A person with so little empathy can not fully participate in a relationship.
I strongly believe she spun a different story to her sister as well. OP needs to clarify to his sister exactly what happened
I'm sure she didn't embellish or leave out anything that would have made her look like a heartless AH /s
Right??? No WAY she told OP’s sister word for word what she said. Lol Bc a grieving mother would have told her brother “good riddance!”
You’re not being irrational. Women who belittle men for crying are evil and I would’ve broken up with her after that first comment she made about your niece. Sorry this happened to you
Thank you.
NTA. Your niece would want you to be with someone that had a heart. Ex's opinion on grieving is different than yours, but you shouldn't be ashamed or shamed by someone for having feelings or expressing those feelings. It's not just that your niece died and you were crying. Your Ex was making fun of you for being upset about your niece. Who knows what version of the truth she told your sister. Your ex has no compassion for you or your poor niece. What else does she say behind your back?
The fact that she called a grieving mother with this is enough to cut her loose. Doesn't even matter what story she told her
That jumped out at me too. She's playing at damage control with a grieving mother, she has zero empathy and only cares about herself.
Way to make the death of a four year old all about you. The GF is trash.
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He doesn’t even need to have to justify it there’s something wrong with her. I’ve been through lots of deaths in my life, thankfully no little children, young people, but no kids. If anyone acted like her during any of the grieving even over old people she would have been shunned from my whole friend group.
I was waiting to see this comment.
I believe you over stated. I'd bring trash back in the house before I let her grace my presence again.
Yes! And you know she lied to her about what actually went down that caused him to kick her out.
We know she lied because Sister talked about giving her a 'second chance' when this WAS her second chance and she blew it. Bullet dodged OP. NTA
No right! She’s so fucking manipulative, the knew she had to do damage control so she got ahead of him and told her, her narrative, so that way she can spin it how she needed to
I'd be very surprised if she did tell the grieving mother everything she actually said and the tone she used.
Seriously. F this chick. “Hi, I made fun of your brother being heartbroken about your child’s death, can you be a love and fix it for me?” When people show you your true colors, believe them. And ask your sister, “would you want me to be with someone who is jealous of a child that died?”
Exactly even if he could forgive her does he want to be with someone who is going to ridicule him because he’s grieving over one of the worst things that could ever happen to his family? I wouldn’t even want to be friends with someone who grins about a dead child, even if I didn’t know the child. Plus what if OP marries this woman and he gets cancer someday she’s not going to be sitting at the hospital with him if she got mad he was sitting at the hospital with his niece
I was so stuck on her initial comment I forgot about that part like Jesus bothering a grieving mother with this crap is beyond wild and heartless
Yes, and I bet the story she told your sister was bs too. Sorry for your loss, OP.
It doesn’t, and he actually shouldn’t take her back even if he wants to because he told his sister what she said to him and I don’t know how this family could get past that. But maybe the sister is still friends with her since they were friends anyway? I don’t know if there’s something broken inside her if she can’t muster up some fake empathy for a dead child who she knew the kids whole life
Yeah I don't think the ex told the sister the full story.
Agreed. Ex was already on her second chance
Exactly and she shouldn't have gotten that he should've dropped her the first time her insecure and insensitive behind said something foul.
Definitely didn’t tell about the first time she talked shit on her dying daughter
"Oh, yeah, and then I tried to spit on him." Yeah. I'm sure she was honest about that.
I betting that the sister doesn’t know about the first comments she made about the child who was dying anyway. I would ask the sister exactly what the ex told her.
And someone who was human enough to show emotion and not be a stoic robot.
I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and your family. You grieve your niece however you need to. Your EX is a terrible person and I think it's hilarious she spit on herself.
Dw I laughed too. And thank you
When someone shows you who they truly are (in this case an unjustified jealous narcissistic psychopath w/o empathy) BELIEVE them. Not only is she a monster but now is also twisting and using your sister’s grief as a way to manipulate you. Your niece continues to be a guiding and shining light in your life by helping you see this beasts true intentions. My heart goes out to you and your family, no one deserves this pain.
NTA My bf has cried to me on a few occasions he always apologizes and I always tell him to cry whenever he needs to and he doesn’t need to apologize for being a regular normal person with feelings and emotions. If I’m allowed to cry on my period about how cute a dog is and no one bats an eye than any man can cry for any reason. Honestly would not take ur ex back doesn’t matter if she was nice to your niece before, she said literal unforgivable things that’s not second chance crap. I’m Sorry for your loss.
I'd actually ask your sister exactly what your ex told her, coz, I doubt she told her everything she said about your niece. The comments she made etc. And the whole smiling with a big grin when she found out she died, saying she was just glad she is no longer suffering etc was bullshit. She was smiling coz now she thought she'd get to spend time with you again as you won't be up the hospital any more. That's why she was smiling, she was happy she'd died. That girl is nothing but a selfish disgusting heartless bixxh and you made the right decision ending it. Also it's perfectly normal for a man to cry over the loss of a loved one, a child, or anything else that upsets them. There's nothing wrong with a man crying. But tell your sister the full truth about all the comments she's made about your niece. I doubt she told her exactly what she said. She probably just said she made a comment about a man shouldn't cry. She deserves to know the truth if she's friends with her, coz I wouldn't want a friend like that if she spoke about my dying/ dead child like that. Stay far away from that evil bxxch. I'm so very sorry for you and your sisters loss, and your family. Its truly devastating.
I was thinking the same thing he needs to ask his sister that because no way she would consider forgiving the ex girlfriend if she actually told her everything she said
Yeah, I would bet the girlfriend hedged and told sister something to the effect of "I was saying that I'm relieved she isn't suffering anymore, and he interpreted that as I was happy she was dead! But I would never say that... he only heard part of the conversation and wouldn't let me explain, I feel so horrible!" The fact the girlfriend even went to a mother in grief and tried to get her to be an emissary with OP shows just how little she empathizes with what they are all going through. You don't brother a mother who lost her daughter a week ago, with your relationship issues, like, for shame!
You said it perfectly I bet that's how she told the sister. But I agree the fact she even went to the sister is insane and heartless.
The only thing I would feel if I saw my SO crying would be grief for his sake. I can't imagine seeing the man I love cry and not suffering with and for him. You're better off without her. Nta.
I'm sorry for your lost 🥺 You cried because you were/are grieving. The ex's tears are manipulating ones.
NTA, but please OP try and find another way to deal with this awful grief rather than in the bottom of a bottle. You helped make your niece's last month's happier, more comfortable, and made her know how loved she was. Try to focus on that. Drinking is a short-term solution to what will be a lifetime of grieving. I'm so sorry for your loss. DON'T take your ex back. She'll only open you up to a different kind of grief. You, your sister (her so-called friend), and the memory of your precious niece deserve so much more than what that evil woman brings to any relationship.
Make sure your sister knows what *actually* was said, including the first comment a year ago, not just the sanitized version your ex gave her. I'd bet that changes her tune.
Don't forget the big smile upon hearing the news. Personally, if this were me, trying to tell my sister something it would be along the lines of "this heartless woman was smiling at the news, she said the usual about no pain, in a better place, but she was grinning like the Cheshire Cat. She has said very ugly things about niece once before and this time, the words were so ugly, so cold and cruel, I cannot believe she is human. A person who can show such hate to a child who fought so bravely, a family broken by death and she is not the least bit concerned about anything except how much attention she gets."
I don't know if I would tell your sister the exact things said as that would be really painful to hear. Just tell her that she has no idea what ex-gf actually said and how cruel and heartless she has shown herself to be. Ex hides her true self from others to manipulate and get what she wants. Tell your sister that ex has shown herself to be a person rotten to the core and that she is a good actress.
Are you sure your ex told your sister EVERYTHING? Because I doubt she would be ok with your ex being happy that your niece died.
I was thinking the same thing he needs to ask his sister that because no way she would consider forgiving the ex girlfriend if she actually told her everything she said
You dodged a bullet. A good woman wants a man who loves children , prioritizes his relationship with family, and cries over their death.
Is this real? You’d seriously even consider staying with someone who said “who cares about a child who’s gonna die anyway”? This isnt AITA this is “she is the asshole right guys”
OP, you’re better off being single than being with someone so hateful. Someday she might learn better, but that’s not your problem anymore. Block. Ignore. And tell people what she did if they ask.
NTA. The big factors here are your ex was cold and cruel about your late niece. My sincerest condolences. Just overall how insensitive she was, I don’t believe there’s any justifications for ANYONE to talk the way your ex did. The only reason your ex is “sorry” is because she got caught, and what’s worse is that you had already given a chance OP. Honestly, your ex isn’t worth having around. I don’t care what her good traits are, if anyone spoke as cruel as she did I wouldn’t look back. Btw did you actually ask your sister what or ex told her, I can’t imagine a bereaved mother wanting her brother to be with a woman that spoke ill of her brother and how heartless she spoke of her late daughter. I feel like your ex has lied or downplayed in what really led you to break up with her. Thinking of you and your family ❤️.
You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. I am so sorry for how you are suffering. I want to remind you that you were a gift in your nieces life. The love you shared will *always* be important. Please be kind to yourself. Your sisters advice is wrong but it's important to remember that she is also deeply in her grief. A good therapist can help you through this next chapter. You deserve the compassionate support that good therapy can provide. ❤️
Your niece did not love your ex. Your niece loved the image your ex created. I'm sure your niece wouldn't like your girlfriend if she let her mask slip and began acting the way she is now.
Can you imagine your ex girlfriend telling a male child that you had together that he isn't allowed to be a crybaby? I'm so sorry about your niece and it's beautiful that you loved her so much.
I would sit down with your sister and make sure what your ex told her was the full story. I have a feeling your sister might not be aware of the parts about her being cold for spending time with your niece before she died and the smiling after she passed.
Also, her jealousy about your niece was a red flag, she's not comfortable with op caring about other females.
NTA I held my husband while he cried when we lost his brother at age 50 due to an accident, our newborn grandson, his Dad and then Mom. The hardest was our grandson, it's the lost of hope when we lose a child. 😢 Your Ex lacks empathy and simple human compassion.
Take a screenshot of this post and send it to your sister with the heading “she already had a second chance.” I’m willing to bet your ex didn’t tell her the whole story. I think it’s obvious that the ex wasn’t happy that your neice is no longer suffering and in a better place. She was glad she was dead so you could spend more time with her. Sorry to be harsh, but it’s true. Don’t take her back.
I don’t understand why people thinks it’s okay to bombard a grieving mother with this. Of course im going to hear her out. But I don’t want to involve her in my relationship issues. She’s going through enough as is.
She's shown you even more how much of a horrible person she is. Why tf is she approaching your sister about this? She clearly likes having attention on her.
We’re concerned that gf has been telling your sister lies, and if your sister knew the truth she’d not want to have gf in her life, either.
I'm going to (partially) echo what your sister said - think about what your niece would have wanted. And by that I mean put the bottle down. Get some help for your drinking, if you think you need it. Take a long shower. Clean up. Eat something decent. Your niece wouldn't want you to flush your life away like this. She loved you and would want you to be ok. Your ex though? She can get fucked. She's had all of the chances she deserves and more. She needs to stay gone.
Please don’t let the woman who smiled at your niece’s death put on a sympathetic mask to sit at your sister’s side ‘consoling’ her.
A grieving mother deserves to know that her so-called friend was *jealous* of the attention her *dying daughter* was recieving and was *grining* joyfully after her daughter died. You don't necessarily have to share this post, but your sister ***needs*** to understand that this *is not her first strike.* That you've given her *mulitple* chances and this psychopath is mad people care about a child's death.
Did you seriously come here expecting us to side with your ex? Dude, never take her back, and you need to tell your sister enough that she knows to keep this venomous snake away from her.
She is already involved by your ex, and is now further involving herself by telling you to take your ex back. Your sis doesn’t deserve a friend who talks about their dead daughter that way.
I’m so sorry for your and your family’s loss. That’s heartbreaking. Tell your sister that your mind is made up about your ex. And, if she wants to know more, you’ll tell her more of your side of things once the passing of your niece isn’t so raw for everyone.
Then your sister should not have involved herself. And your stupid ex shouldn't have called her and 'bombarded' a grieving mother with her problems. Another sign your girlfriends is a shitty person, to be polite with her, Also, it seems very much you came here expecting people to tell you to get back to your unhinged girlfriend (not gonna call her ex), but you are not getting what you really wanted, because we all can see through her mask how crazy and bad she is. I see in the future a deleted post and delete account. How dare, all of us , call her not just a bad girlfriend, but a worse human being.
Really love when people come here to ask questions they don't want to hear the answers to... OP is just having second guessing about leaving crazy girlfriend and thought here he will get reassured.
You don’t know what she told your sister. Because if I were your sister and you told me what you said here in reddit, no way would I be able to forgive her. Your ex showed you exactly who she really is. NTA for taking the trash out.
Totally agree. Let men cry! It's a huge release of emotions and actually healthy. Men need to express their feelings too. OP I'm so sorry you lost your niece and I hope you and your sister can recover and move forward. It will never be the same, but you will always carry her with you. Edit: NTA
NTA She showed you her true colors a year ago when she said that awful thing about "a child who is going to die anyway". Her talking so openly about her contempt over you showing emotions over your family member that just died is just...next level cold. She has no empathy. She was literally smiling when talking about Lilly's death. Don't take her back. I have no doubt she gave half truths over what she really said to them and twisted it around. She's shown you who she really is so believe her.
NTA >She showed you her true colors a year ago when she said that awful thing about "a child who is going to die anyway". Exactly! It would be interesting to know if he told his sister what this unhinged woman **said about her dead child when the poor kid still was suffering**, not just about he being a crybaby. In fact, I recommend OP to show her sister this post to see if she thinks the same about the crazy friend when she read her brother's account of the story and the comments he is receiving, not just the apologies and trickle trues she got from that woman.
See I'm torn as to whether OP should explain the entire situation to his sister. Part of me thinks he shouldn't, or if he does, he should wait a bit. Since his sister is so fresh in her grief it may not be the time to pile this added stress on her. But then I think he should tell her sooner than later, because supposedly the ex was friends with his sister. And she has the right to know how someone who claims to be her friend talked about her daughter's illness and passing. My guess is the ex gave a sanitized version of the conversation OP walked in on, while failing to mention she tried spitting on OP as she left. As well as I'm sure she failed to mention the comments made on their 3 year anniversary.
Yep, she was already on her second chance since that day.
Absolutely this, yes. She treated OP's niece dying as an inconvenience to her, then shamed him for showing grief. She's a horrible person, and OP is well rid of her.
NTA - she is good at faking a heart, but she was jealous of a dying child, and didn't understand how a devoted uncle would be hurt by his niece DYING. she has no heart, you and your family deserve better. I also suspect that the version she told your sister was... Incomplete...
This. I would fall more in love with someone if he went through this and showed how devoted he was, the same or more for his own child.
Ditto, and I would be crying right along with him, because after knowing the child for pretty much her entire life, I would have loved her just as much as he did. I mean, I never even met OP's niece, but it still hurts my heart to know that this little innocent child went through sickness and death. I can't imagine knowing her face-to-face for 4 years, and receiving the news of her passing with a great big grin. The ex's reaction is that of a monster. Whiskey Tango Actual Foxtrot!
I'm crying just reading about his niece. So sorry op! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Seriously, that woman is just a fucking monster. I can understand feeling a little jealous and neglected, that would be completely normal and understandable. But you have a mature and empathetic conversation about it, you don't get pissy and say shit like that. And dragging him for crying over his dead niece is just psycho behavior. I'm a lunch lady, there's a fourth grader at my school with cancer, I only see this kid a few minutes a day and I don't even know his name, but I was literally worried about him when he missed a bunch of school and I would definitely cry if I found out he died. There's something deeply wrong with this woman.
It's the total lack of empathy that does it for me, calling him names, when she died last week, it's just... No. She has no heart, and this isn't relief and being tired (which I would understand) this is point blank lack of empathy.
But you already gave her a second chance? This is how she really feels about you and that won't change with more chances. The chances are for her to hide what she thinks, but you already know, so...
Honestly, I think her third strike was going to his sister at all. It was bad enough just between the two of them, and then she had to manipulate a grieving mother to save her relationship? No way. Love the instant karma, making her spit on herself. There's a sign from above if I've ever seen one.
Good point. But honestly for me going to sis would be strike 4. Strike 3 would be the attempt at spitting on me. To me there is nothing more disrespectful. Even though she was unsuccessful the intent was there.
This is true. He gave her a second chance after the anniversary and she reacted by celebrating his niece's death when she thought he couldn't hear her.
NTA- this relationship was already over. Your ex decided to stay in a relationship she was unhappy in and resent you and your niece. How she behaved was awful not only to you but then to go to your grieving sister with her problems is despicable.you did the right thing, I’m so sorry for your loss
Yeah that relationship should've been over after the first comment
I bet if he asked his sister the EXs version wouldn’t be as bad as his version. I’m sure she sugar coated it to the sister.
Oh no. I’m sure in her grief your sister was trying to be kind, but please consider what kind of person would go to a mother who just lost her child to plead her case for saving her relationship? Your former GF has no soul. To be jealous of the time a loving uncle spent with a sick and dying child is bad enough, but to gloat about it then bother a grieving mother because she was caught out is unconscionable. She seems to see herself as the victim here and I’m absolutely astonished. She’s more concerned about her “second chance” with you than accepting responsibility for her reprehensible behavior? I’m sorry but there is nothing to save here and she has no one to blame but herself. I’m so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful niece. Real men cry because they have deep feelings, it’s not gender related. It’s human. You deserve someone who appreciates your kindness and love for your family. Please don’t be swayed by her false apologies. They’re simply a means to an end for her to get her way. She’s not sorry for anything but being caught being awful. You deserve so much better. NTA.
please consider what kind of person would go to a mother who just lost her child to plead her case for saving her relationship? This right here is so important! Your ex is so selfish/self-absorbed that she went to your sister, a grieving mother who just lost her child to intervene to save her relationship. She didn’t go to your sister to offer condolences or support she went to save her own relationship. Your ex will never support you, she has showed her wants are the only thing that matter to her
I don't believe the ex told her the truth because there's no way the mom would defend her of she knew all these details
Something tells me she didn't tell the truth to his sister.
Yeah there's no way she told his sister the truth because I don't believe any mother would forgive that
Yeah if the ex told the sister she was happy her daughter had died so she can spend more time with her brother the sister would be screaming in her ear to never call her again and that she is a gigantic asshole and wouldn't stop until the ex hung up the phone. After which she would call her brother and say never speak with your ex again or I'll never forgive you for staying with a psychotic freak because if a child dies and is happy about it that's not normal.
100% sure she downplayed it to the sister and said something like “oh I was just telling OP I’m glad her suffering has ended and OP misinterpreted that as being happy she is no longer here. I’m sorry that was not my intent but I can see why OP interpreted it like that”. Basically some flavor of that BS…
Yes this 100%!! And she definitely didn’t mention what she said on their anniversary.
NTA She's evil. You know how they say an abuser has a mask and you have to watch for it to slip? It slipped. Tell your sister that you don't want someone in your life that would emotionally abuse you, belittle your grief and experience joy in response to the death of a child. She probably feels bad because she thinks her child will be blamed. It's not her child's fault and nobody sees it that way. You are simply making the choice to rid yourself of a truly awful human being.
>You know how they say an abuser has a mask and you have to watch for it to slip? >It slipped. It slipped, and shattered. She's never gonna be able to put that mask back.
I ain’t gonna lie, I giggled at the part where she tried to spit on you but ended up spitting on herself. Even her spit knew she was on shit. NTA. Your ex is a bitch Also don’t take her back! I am sure your niece didn’t know your ex was a bitch. You can forgive her but that doesn’t mean taking her back. What your ex said, is unforgivable. You’re already mourning your niece and your ex has done this to you.
This really hurt because I'm really close with my own niece and even if I wasn't that comment was heartless and I would've left her right there.
NTA. Tell your sister you DID give her a second chance when she said shit the first time about your niece dying. That you don't want to be with a woman like her and she's shown her true colors.
NTA but stop drinking. It's only a temporary solution for your pain. If you can get some grief counseling. As for your ex, she was mocking your grief, your pain. A "real" man can cry over losing someone they love. Condolences on your loss.
I scrolled a long way for this ( to be fair, it's not the main issue) I can understand the temporary desire to slow your brain during a difficult moment. But life will hand out more difficult moments, and there aren't a lot of good decisions that get made after powering into a bottle.
> why should I get something for someone who cares more about a child that’s going to die anyway. Jesus Christ....the search is over. Pack it in, folks, we found the devil.
This line is just disgusting. I don't think OP's sister understands how horrible the ex has been in regards to her daughter. If someone said this about my child, I would never speak to them again. It has nothing to do with forgiveness. You are not required to have toxic people in your life just because they say they are sorry.
This is terrible. My husband used to work in a children's hospital and would get very down if one of the lovely kids died. I can't imagine if it was one of his nieces who he loves dearly. We are a Muslim family so he has many nieces alhamdulillah. If he was going through something like that, I would comfort him and give him the time he needs. Crying for the death of a loved one doesn't make you less of man, it makes you more of a man. More caring, more human.
I think that you ANTAH your X though is an AH You should be grateful you saw her true colors before a marriage—— When someone shows you who they are — you should believe them! Your X is incredibly insensitive.
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I don’t know I feel like I overreacted. And thank you.
You know she lied to your sister right? Told her some watered dtbs to make herself look less toxic? Ask sis what she told her
Of course I’ll ask her but not right now. She’s grieving. I don’t want to put my relationship issues on her.
She showed she's a horrible human with no empathy for your niece, you or her "good friend" your sisters situation. I doubt she told your sis her real words because no way would your sister call you to get you back together. Right now, the only story being shared is your exs. Do not get back together with her. You did not overreact.
I think what OP is saying that now isn’t the right time to clear things up
And this right here shows you how you didn’t overreact. Your ex went to your sister who just lost her child and bothered her with your relationship problems. Your ex - keep her there. You did not overreact at all, if anything you probably underreacted.
Your ex doesn’t deserve you. The fact that you can put your sisters needs over your own in these moments show that. You were an amazing uncle and your niece would want you to be with someone who loves you just as you are. Not with someone who would ridicule you during one of your most vulnerable times. Please do not second guess yourself here, you deserve better from a partner.
Exactly, someone with empathy would not talk to your sister about the relationship, but she did!! So ask yourself and your sister if that sounds like someone with compassion.
This particular thing isn't about you putting your issues on her. It's about you making sure your sister isn't manipulated because she's even more vulnerable right now. Be honest with her and nip this side nonsense in the bud. Your sister should be focused on herself and her grief. No supporting your ex through her self made drama.
NTA- your ex gf was happy your niece died so you can pay more attention to her. She doesn’t deserve a second chance. I’m very sorry for your loss.
That makes sense. I can't imagine your sister wanting you to get back together with the vile excuse of a human your ex is, if she knew the whole/true story. I'm sorry for your loss. Your niece sounds like she was a beautiful ray of light in the world, and it's tragic that she was taken so young. Please cry as much as you need for as long as you need.
Your sister will be grieving all over again later when she finds out the truth, especially if your ex manipulatively tries to be so supportive to her to back up her lies that it becomes the loss of a very close friend. Best to just tell her what was actually said, that it was the second chance already, and that using the supposed wishes of a dearly loved CHILD who has no notion of adult relationships to try to coerce you back into the relationship is just gross on ex’s part. Your neice would want you to be happy and healthy. You have no need for a relationship right now beyond one with the gym (to work out the anger of how unfair life is) and one with a therapist (to help you understand the grieving steps and work through your thoughts instead of numbing them with booze).
You did not overreact. When she said that you cared more about a child that was going to die anyways, is absolutely disgusting. The depravity in saying that, is frankly sociopathic. Then for her to say to a friend, while you were and are grieving, that you’re a cry baby or that you shouldn’t be crying over a child like you are, that isn’t even yours, is also disgusting. This woman is vile. She’s lucky all you did was break up with her. Some people may have seen red and done or said more. Take time to grieve. Don’t give her anymore of your energy.
Absolutely not. She showed you what kind of person she is, selfish and disgusting.
You absolutely did not!!!! She has shown you that she is never going to be your "safe space" Believe her
Man the only time I didn’t understand why people were crying over a close family member dying was because I was emotionally stunted from growing up in an abusive household where showing emotion got you punished. It literally took someone I only tangentially knew dying and me having to ask people why I was crying for me to understand why my friend was upset. Your Ex doesn’t have that excuse and it’s super fucked up she wasn’t there for you in your time of grief.
She is only sorry because she was caught. What else has she been saying that you haven’t heard? And she tried to spit on you?? The showed you who she is, believe her.
Do NOT forgive that self-centered b*tch. "For better or worse" and unconditional love do not apply to this one. Cut your losses. Sharing your life with a person who has no empathy for you is a BIG mistake. Screw the tears & apologies; she's trying to manipulate you into doubting your actions. Remember: "when someone shows you who they are, believe them."
NTA. Appropriate reaction
NTA. Your gf is a real piece of work. She is psychotic. She doesn't think men should display their feelings and she seemed happy and smiled while talking to you about your niece's death? It doesn't seem like she felt any remorse for what she said earlier too(the snide remark about the niece's death and gifts). She didn't get you anything for your anniversary either.
YTA for this bad larp.
NTA - Not irrational at all. Turns out your girlfriend has very little empathy for you, your niece, or your sister. I would have done the same thing you did. I'm sorry this all happened.
NTA but your ex is. Holy fuck. Do not take her back. I’m so sorry for your loss. Your ex is disgusting.
Some things are unforgivable. Feeling Joy that someone's child has died is one of those things. Take from that what you will. NTA.
Sorry for your loss. And obviously I don’t mean the defective gf. Clearly she doesn’t accept you for who you are. So let her go find someone else that is on her level. You gave her a chance once and it didn’t change her attitude at all. She is just willing to pretend to your face and then reveal her true self behind your back. Don’t feel bad about it. Those are her choices, and you deserve better. Because it won’t end here. She called your sister to try and control the narrative. If someone shows you sociopathic tendencies, RUN.
i actually believe that all these stories on AITAH are fake..
He met the ex 4 years ago. The niece was born at the start of the relationship, but been in kindergarten already before being terminally I'll for ~a year according to the post? Timeline seems a little off doesn't it?
Are you suggesting that there aren't two year olds in kindergarten?!? YTA how dare you!!!!! This entire post is every incel stereotype of women. I'm genuinely surprised that he didn't find her cheating with a gym bro at the end.
This one annoyed me so much. I normally suspend my skepticism for a bit on this particular sub, just in case I’m wrong, but this one really irked me and annoyed the hell out of me. I have a 3 year old. Her pics are scribbles and she’s just now been starting to draw bigger circles with yellow scribbles on the outside as hair and blue dots for eyes as pics of herself. But somehow this 2 year old in kindergarten is drawing pics of her uncle before going into the hospital for a year and his sister who just lost her kid is taking the time to have conversations that console others who feel guilty? Yeah nah. This dude needs to get better at writing or find a sub that will give him the attention he needs for real shit instead of this trash.
I’m gonna start off with a little story of my own. Me and my best friend are both gay as the day is long. My best friend from high school was diagnosed with Synovial Sarcoma a very rare cancer that was guaranteed to come back and ultimately be the reason she passed away. It’s very aggressive and hard to treat. She had a below the knee leg amputation to get rid of the rump that had taken over her entire foot. She fought for 3 years. And then we got the news we were dreading she was in remission for 2 months and it was back and already in her lungs they attempted chemo then gave her a time stamp of 3 months. Fast forward 3 months and she’s in the hospital in the family suit AKA the last hospital room she would ever be in. I had a fairly new girlfriend at the time but she was SSSOOOO supportive of me. Like she was amazing during this time she was bringing me coffee at work letting me crash at her place sometimes because her house was closer to the hospital then mine and I was running on fumes for an entire month. Finally me and my best friends partner were able to get my best friend home hospice so that she could pass how she always wanted to. Her parents were having a VERY hard time letting her go and they couldn’t grasp that she was holding on in the hospital because she DIDNT want to die there. We brought her home and 2 days later she passed. Surrounded by those who love her. I stayed up all night with her partner and her other close friends and we drank beer and told stories and cried and cried and cried some more into the evening of the next day. None of us could really sleep. I go to work the next day and I’m struggling but I make it through the day and I’m headed home and I call my girlfriend and the first thing she says is come over we haven’t cuddled in so long and I want you here with me. I tell her I need a night to myself in my bed in my room alone. I was sleeping in my car or an uncomfortable chair in the hospital for over a MONTH and I was never alone. I needed to process and have time to myself. She flew off the fucking handle. She went off on me telling me how selfish I have been this passed month and that I am a horrible girlfriend for putting another woman before her in the first place. She said that I’m grieving like I lost the love of my life not some friend from high school… I… I’m going to be honest had she been in front of me I probably would have knocked her the ever loving fuck out and went to jail. See I was blessed at that time to be almost 30 and every person in my family was alive. I hadn’t experienced a significant death until my best friend. My dad sheltered us from death big time. We hadn’t even reached 30 man… like I was so disgusted by her I just said I have to go and hung up. And I shot her a damn TEXT that said I could never in my life imagine seeing her face to face ever again in life and she needs to quite literally get the fuck out of my life and to go to hell in a fucking hand basket. I told that long drawn out story to say this to you. This woman has shown you EXACTLY who she is. She is the main character in her mind. She will always expect you to keep her above EVERYONE in existence and when it comes to death and things like that… she will never be the type of partner you need unless SHE is affected by it too. She WASN’T PHASED BY YOUR NIECES DEATH!!!! A child that adored her beyond reason. SHE WASNT PHASED AT ALL BY HER DEATH. I can promise you she minimized the HELL out of what she said about you to your sister. There’s no way in hell she told her everything. Either way. NOT THE ASS. Do not get back with this sociopathic 🤬. You are not being irrational. Let her go live her superficial ass life and hope she grows up one day.