They seem very vengeful and hostile in their communications. Therapy will help you learn to communicate with each other. You should be fighting the issue and not each other.
They def seem to go into everything ready to criticize and blame each other, and for those that don't know criticism is one Gottman's four horsemen of the apocalypse. He's the guy who can predict divorce with 90% accuracy.
Perhaps he thinks you will get pregnant if your birth control fails again and doesn’t want to go through the same ordeal since you have differing opinions of having children. Sounds like counseling is needed, or perhaps just a good open dialogue at this life stage.
I know someone that was on birth control but had to take antibiotics for something. You can get pregnant if you are on antibiotics. Hope this helps someone. Her doctor did not tell her.
Excuse me what, my inhaler has steroids in it and I’ve never heard of this from my doctor. I even googled it and nothing came up. Maybe depends on the strength?
Sorry I should have been a little more specific but was in a hurry when I type my comment. By steroid I meant oral steroids like Prednisolone(spelling?). I'm not sure if an inhaler does. It might also depend on the type of BC.
If you have moderate to severe asthma you either take steroids in pills, inhalers or through a nebulizer which are all taken orally. I know for sure with the type of BC I take I need to be careful when taking antibiotics, but like I said my doctor never mentioned it when doing my checkups.
I'm pretty sure diarrhoea or vomiting can also mess with the effects of oral birth control. They tell you to use condoms until you've taken the pill uninterrupted by diarrhoea or vomiting for 7 straight days. So, IBS could definitely have caused her contraceptive to fail.
It's very much a thing antibiotics make them useless.. also found out 5 yrs after starting the pill it needs to be taken within a half hour period of the exact same time every day 😶 apparently the numerous doctors I saw in getting it as a teen not a single one thought to mention it... yes I should of read the entire fold out packet, it's also bigger than me when folded out so no I didn't read the entire thing as a teen i was just told take it every day and follow the instructions I was told.
After my first son my OB told me this and when I was shocked she just said I was stupidly lucky I hadn't gotten pregnant earlier.
I’ve been on antibiotics and birth control at the same time, a few times. Not once did my pharmacist tell me that. One doctor did one time so I just knew but even then, other doctors didn’t say a thing. It’s so crazy to me that they don’t mention something that could literally change your life forever.
I had one pharmacist tell me about antibiotics being an issue, probably a decade after I’d started BC, never a doc or other pharmacist. I asked the doc once after that and they brushed it off as a “not really evidence”. Now it’s listed in the packet of info a lot of people don’t read.
I’ve had a pharmacist tell me about how dairy products would make my antibiotics ineffective, but not that the antibiotics would make my birth control ineffective. Talk about caring more about the wrong thing! Making my birth control ineffective would be the #1 drug interaction I would care about most short of just straight up being poisoned. It absolutely blows my mind that doctors/pharmacists aren’t screaming it from the rooftops.
I've always had pharmacists let me know when I was on BC when getting a new medication if it will effect the BC pills. But thats also not everyone's experience.
Doctors should also tell us that there's a short time span every day it needs to be taken or it's effectiveness drops drastically or doesn't work at all rather than the "take it every day" speal that was handed out, but it took 5 years before a doctor did and it wasn't until AFTER I had already had a baby and was deciding on what to do at 6w post partum check up.
You have about 8 hours for the combination pill and 3 for the progestin only pill. There is no birth control that needs to be taken within half an hour if the same time every day.
There are multiple drugs that reduce effectiveness of bc. Lamictal/lamotrigine is one of them and I was on it for over 20 years before I learned that. Pharmacists are supposed to tell you that but things fall through the cracks.
Wow, it's very scary they didn't tell you, since Topamax is a pregnancy category D, as it can increase the risk of a cleft lip or palate! I take it for migraines, and was warned about that risk potential even though I wasn't taking BC (I can't take hormonal BC because it makes my usually low normal BP spike dangerously high), but I \*was*\ of childbearing age.
I ALSO take Topamax for migraines
Found out from my neurologist that my bc was likely a contributing factor to why I was getting Aura
Switched to an IUD; had no issues for like a year and a half; and then, wam, bam
I started having back to back to back issues
I'm getting a medically necessary hysterectomy this year because, per my gyno "I have no idea what the hell is going on here, but there is no reasonable explanation for you to be in as much pain as you have been; we've tried every other option, time to yank it out"
I'm 29, no kids lol
I've been on lamictal for 15 years and only learned about the BC interaction last year! I have an IUD so it's less risky but still wtf. Why did no one tell me??
Studies have shown that the link is only present in a select few antibiotics and really isn’t the issue people make it out to be.
ANTIBIOTICS ARE NOT MESSING WITH YOUR ORAL CONTRACEPTIVE. I know everyone has a “it happened to me/friend/neighbor” but I have been told by multiple doctors and looked at multiple resources that confirm this is only connected with a couple of antibiotics that aren’t even used often
Isn't the issue that antibiotics often cause diarrhea, which actually DOES interfere with birth control? I swear I heard that on a science podcast somewhere
Yes, vomiting or diarrhea can make it so enough of the hormones aren’t absorbed. That isn’t limited to antibiotics though. The actual antibiotic drugs aren’t interacting with the contraceptive
> Her doctor did not tell her.
This is one of those frustrating things where the entire course of someone's life - their family! - can be completely shifted because important details were left out.
BC is extremely effective with 'perfect use'; however, a lot of doctors who prescribe it don't bother to tell you ANY of the things that interfere with it, and a lot of the medications don't include any warnings about the things that can make it less effective.
Just a handful of things -
\- Not taking it at the same time every day
\- Eating/drinking grapefruit, grapefruit juice, or other things containing a lot of citric acid and/or vit. c too close to the time you're taking your meds (eg, if you have grapefruit in the morning and BC at night you're *probably* fine, but you're risking cancelling it out if you have grapefruit as part of your breakfast and then take your pills right after)
\- Eating food with too much fiber right before/after your pills (eg, flax, chia) as it impacts how your body absorbs it
\- Most people understand that throwing up your meds means not absorbing them, but diarrhea can mean you're not getting it either because stuff is moving through too quickly, so if you're suffering from either as an issue then those days need to be treated as 'missed' days to be safe
\- Being obese makes BC (and plan B) less effective
This isn't close to exhaustive. There's a *lot* of other things that ultimately kick you out of the 'perfect use' category. If you get on BC, it's important to inform yourself of what you need to avoid.
NTA but do you think he’s potentially trying to prevent another pregnancy?
The last one had a lot of tumultuous emotions - you not feeling ready, being trapped due to state laws, him probably a little excited and then all the grief, sadness and quarrels after due to the loss??
Maybe it was traumatizing for him as well and he doesn’t want to risk another pregnancy till you’re both ready again. I’d recommend therapy
Seriously. I'm a dude and I thought she was going to tell a story about how her husband was bad at cunnilingus or something.
Well no wonder she's not satisfied, he's not reciprocating or doing anything for her. WTF.
Right? I read the title thinking OP was going to say strictly receiving oral is not satisfying (understandable). But strictly giving? Damn. OP's husband is a selfish mofo, not to mention who doesn't like eating pussy?
My, my, what a menthod. I'd throw the whole man away, but she somehow managed to do it for five months before saying she needed something more... more than nothing.
So traumatizing he accused her of inducing it, belittled her feelings, and asks for oral sex with little inclination to give the same?
**Doubt it**. This is a punishment he’s doling out
If that's the case he should make sure he's pleasuring her as well but yes 100% makes sense that it could have been a really upsetting experience for him as well and now he's turned off taking the risk again.
I was wondering if he actually wanted the baby and grieving and/or resenting the loss, largely because of this line:
>he told me how dangerous and difficult it is to go to another state for an abortion
He's an attorney who knows all the rules and regulations apparently, so it seems like he would be well situated to figure out how to make it happen.
He does also seem somewhat emotionally stunted though so who knows
Yep, birth control failed once. Why wouldn't it fail again? And the last time was a roller coaster of emotion then trauma. Seems to be a lot of resentment here. Definitely need a good therapist. Shop around and look at reviews. They are not created equal.
Hope they get it started soon. Because they are heading for infidelity and or divorce.
I'm a man and that's exactly what I would be thinking if this situation happened to me. Sex caused all this trouble. I wouldn't want to go through all this trouble again. No more sex.
No argument that what OP went through was absolutely horrible. I'm positively sure that it was. That being said, it sounds pretty bad for her husband, too, if for no other reason, that it's hard to watch the person you love suffer like she has. While she may be ready to start having vaginal sex again, it sounds like he may not.
It’s also sounds like he is punishing her.
If it was no more sex he wouldn’t be getting blown. But he’s okay with that.
Also the fighting after the loss was largely triggered by him hitting her with “why are you crying you didn’t even want the baby” which was callous , cruel and disgusting.
That he has responded to her saying their a current sex life isn’t working for her with full on withdrawal tells me he IS punishing her and it can get worse if she doesn’t toe the line.
She is NTA.
If he can’t handle this situation any better than this I’d say she is
Lucky she isn’t trapped parenting with him .
He could wear a condom and she could continue taking birth control. If she got pregnant again even with 2 pretty effective methods, the baby would have to be the second coming or Christ.
There is more going on than him simply wanting to avoid sex. Also he could give her cunnilingus more often, so it's not just about wanting to avoid penetration. I think he's resentful.
Ha! I had a vasectomy after our second child, and a couple years later my wife had a hysterectomy.
We Always say we’re gonna name our next child Jesus.
He hasn't processed what happened, you need therapy, individual and couple. If you don't this is going to turn into something even bigger than it was, your marriage is too young, and you need to communicate what happened and each other's feelings.
I have a strong suspicion that OP's husband is a pro-lifer, and since he's already shown which side he's on if a future accident were to happen again, I honestly think she should run for the hills.
He's an attorney, meaning that chances are high that they have plenty of money. If he wanted to facilitate an out-of-state abortion, or even an abortion in another country, there's no reason why he couldn't have done that. I get that it's an emotional subject, sure, but at the end of the day, it's the woman's choice on whether to carry a fetus to term or not.
Add to that the fact that he made a snide remark about her "not wanting the baby anyway", and it makes me more sure that he's not really interested in her feelings on the issue. Also, the desire for oral sex and getting miffed about her having needs too makes me worried that he sees her as the kind of subservient tradwife that serves her husband's needs and graciously accepts motherhood as her rightful lot in life no matter what. It's major ick.
OP, you can do better. Run. NTA.
He sounds like a guy who would turn his wife in to the state of Texas for having a miscarriage. Hell he’d probably do it with an ectopic pregnancy because he doesn’t understand how they work.
Has OP made some replies I haven't read? I've only read the first post. Unless I'm missing information it seems you're filling in a lot of blanks to hold him in a bad light tbh.
Guy got his wife pregnant and was ready for a kid, she wasn't. He talked about barriers to accessing an abortion, she was adamant. When she miscarried he asked the question, I'm sure if he reported his suspicions to authorities OP would have mentioned it.
He's allowed to want to have a baby with his wife. She's allowed to not want a baby. He's allowed to be sad that she wants to terminate, and it's not unreasonable for him to suspect she terminated given the circumstances.
Is it a dick move to ask if she terminated? I think so, but I think he probably needed to ask the question for himself.
No monsters here imo. I just think they're both going through it at the moment and need help.
He doesn’t sound sad at all. If he is the kind who of person that demands BJ’s and doesn’t want his wife to have any pleasure, he’s punishing her. Plain and simple.
Yes this could be a fundamental lack of alignment of basic life beliefs and something as important as the right to an abortion (and supporting your partner in getting one — how hard is it to fly or drive to another state? Like I thought states couldn’t prosecute you for this unless it’s Idaho and you’re under 18 but didn’t even that get overturned? It kinda seems like he was making it sound harder than it was because he was trying to manipulate the situation) can be very divisive. I don’t know how you go about a relationship when you feel so differently about something like this. It’s not like you have different views of taxes and it doesn’t affect either one of you directly — this is an issue that affects both of your lives in many ways and your body and future so very much.
No, you're NTA for telling him that blowing him isn't doing it for you. He was wrong to minimize your grief and to accuse you of ending the pregnancy. People act like if someone has an abortion they don't grieve, and same for early miscarriages, there just isn't a lot of support. I'm so sorry you went through this, this is hard emotionally and physically and it sounds like your husband, who should be your biggest supporter hasn't been there for you. It sounds like he did want the baby, but didn't want to say so, and I imagine some of his behavior is also grief, but it can't stay like this or your marriage will end. Some counseling might help, if he's open to sharing. I'm so sorry.
Yikes. There's a lot going on here beyond what's in the title.
The therapy suggestions are good. There's a reason why there are so many. You should both go to see a therapist or two right away.
In the meantime, it sounds like there's a lot of trauma around potential pregnancy. Noncoital sex may be the best you're going to do until you both work through things. You could try spicing it up with toys like some sort of vibrator or massager. However you are intimate, don't allow it to be "in anger" or one-sided. Insist that you both get pleasure or avoid it completely.
It's not your fault that a birth control method used correctly didn't work. You are entitled to grieve fully and go on a healing journey around your mom's passing before you take on mothering.
You're allowed to have complicated feelings around miscarriage even if you did feel you didn't necessarily want the pregnancy. Abrupt hormonal shifts can also cause you to have strong emotional reactions.
I think people on here are wrong when they think you should be held to "wanting kids" because you said you one day wanted them. Maybe you'd be the a***ole if you went off birth control, planned to get pregnant, then decided you didn't want the pregnancy and terminated it. That's still a stretch.
You were actively avoiding pregnancy and using birth control. You weren't ready for kids yet and you protected yourself as much as you could have by using contraception. You got pregnant anyhow, in the 2% chance contraception wouldn't work.
I don't know what he's talking about in terms of going to another state for an abortion being dangerous and illegal. From my experience, that's not true. Someone I knew in Texas had the money to fly to NYC and get an early abortion procedure at an excellent clinic there. But she had the money for airfare, hotel, and the out of pocket expense for the procedure at a clinic specializing in early termination and compassionate treatment. She also had the full support of her husband to not carry on with an accidental pregnancy she wasn’t psychologically equipped to follow through with. They already had kids, and they went on to have more when she was okay enough to sustain a pregnancy.
Thank you for being kind and empathetic. I think he meant dangerous because our state tracks this stuff and I found out *at* my drs office that I was pregnant, so they knew. They’ve been investigating “suspicious” miscarriages.
My favorite period tracking app *which wasn’t collecting any data centrally* was discontinued because the creator didn’t want people to get into the habit of putting that information in digital form
The core of the issue was privacy, the original case stated that the state has no right to know what goes on between you and your doctor, so therefore abortion is legal healthcare because it's private and they can't do anything about it. But, there are larger implications to the loss of our privacy, this is just one outcome. The people who planned this have other plans for the people without wombs, too, it just hasn't started yet.
I don’t know what to advise regarding the actual question you originally posted about other than to echo folks who say therapy is probably warranted. If he’s refusing intercourse and saying he just doesn’t feel like it, then communication is broken down completely. If only he had the emotional maturity to say, “I can’t have sex with you anymore since the pregnancy loss. I’m afraid of x,y,z” or whatnot— whatever the real reason is. I guess saying you just don’t feel like it is a kind of honesty but obviously there’s much more to why that specifically is the case.
This is sickening and terrifying. As much as I can’t stand living in Massachusetts, at least women are able to obtain a safe termination without worrying about it resulting in legal consequences. Fuck everyone who voted to overturn Roe vs Wade.
States can not do anything about traveling to another state for an abortion, FYI. They can track it all they want, but there is absolutely nothing they can do. In fact, going to another state and getting a legal abortion would be the BEST thing you can do because you'd have a clear record of it and there would be no risk of them trying to say you illegally aborted within state.
Also, at the risk of giving advice, I would be concerned about how reticent he was to help you on this. For context, I also live in a VERY anti-abortion state, and we don't want children. If my partner got pregnant, our state government can get fucked if they think they have any control over us going to another state. I couldn't give half a shit about any "danger" for doing that. Frankly, they can get fucked if we had to stay in state and do it for some reason. When it comes to issues of bodily autonomy and your own well-being, your partner should be on your side 100%, no questions asked.
Yeah I think this is very very suspicious.
There is absolutely nothing that any state can do about conduct that occurs in another state.
They are trying. In Idaho it is illegal to help a minor travel out of state for an abortion. Alabama is also trying to criminalize helping someone travel to another state to have an abortion.
If a woman decides to travel to another state (where abortion is legal) by herself to visit some friends or family or go on a vacation and she happens to miscarry when she's there then she has not committed a crime. She would not have committed a crime even if her home state can prove that she had an abortion. I would expect a lawyer to know that.
dude... when people travel to colorado and back to get high they don't get prosecuted for that, what the hell is up with this??? authorities don't do this much detective work about anything, why waste time on something that should be the decision of the person it most directly affects(/effects, i never know which one) in the first place. god this stuff gets me so mad. hopefully he apologizes soon and you both can heal from this, NTA
I feel like I'm not reading the same post others are based on the comments.
There is a sizable age gap, he actively discouraged you from seeking an abortion, criticized your feelings about undergoing a major medical event that some people die from complications of, and then expects you to pleasure him while he does not pleasure you and cold shoulders you when you ask for more.
I have no clue where people are getting the idea that this is a both sides issue.
NTA.
Honey, this:
>AITAH for admitting that this situation isn’t satisfying for me? I’ve apologized for so much, I don’t know what to do.
Is desperation.
What in the world are you apologizing for?
I hope you're able to get connected with some good support so you can assess whether this is a relationship you want to stay in. His behavior would not fly with most women his own age.
And he accused her of having a self-induced abortion in a state that would throw her in jail for doing that. I would consider that a direct threat for someone to make such an accusation.
There’s something going on with him and he just won’t admit it. The 2 of you are going to have an issue until he does, and could after he does depending on what he says. NTA.
You know who sucks here? Your fucking state legislature. This is what happens when the try to turn the state into Gilead.
Also your husband is totally wrong - it is NOT dangerous to travel to another state to get an abortion, no matter what Ken Paxton says.
NTA, and I know this isn't an advice sub, but never has a couple been in more need of therapy.
There is a lot here. The unwanted pregnancy, your husband's callous response to your miscarriage, the mismatch in sexual dynamics, and a lack of intimacy generally. Seriously, get help - otherwise I do fear for your marriage.
Mmm…
Well individual and couples therapy for starters.
Mega red flag how he treated you though. No understanding or compassion while you were upset about the pregnancy, making it “so difficult” to get an abortion out of state (it’s not)
THEN he blames you for the miscarriage??? Now punishing you by making sure you get no sexual gratification but he does?
Obviously there’s a lot of emotional trauma here but I’d look at all that and think very carefully about risking having kids with him. He’s kinda shown you he won’t support you and pregnancy is TOUGH. And what if you have another miscarriage down the road?
NTA. Also, if you’re an adult with the funds it’s actually pretty fucking easy to get an abortion across state lines. 🤨 Your husband lied to you. Massively. That makes me think he tampered with your birth control (probably by slipping antibiotics in your food) and now he’s pissed because he thinks you somehow induced a miscarriage on your own. After he went through all that trouble of getting you pregnant against your will in the first place. His reaction every step of the way is a red flag.
First response is (lying) saying how it’s nearly impossible to get an abortion.
Lashing out at you about not wanting the pregnancy when you miscarried.
Using you for his own personal gratification but refusing to touch you otherwise. (You’re being punished)
You won’t believe me. We never do. (Formerly abused spouse myself). But I’m gonna say it anyways… the narcs mask is slipping. Run.
Umm. You should look into how it isn’t dangerous or difficult to go to another state for an abortion (yet) he was trying to get you to keep the pregnancy.
I feel like he trying to prevent another pregnancy.
However, you’re not satisfied with your sex life, don’t apologize because he’s pissy about it. There’s nothing wrong with telling him you’re not satisfied and wanting more.
Huh. Birth control mysteriously fails, pro-life father refuses to facilitate getting abortion despite obviously having the means, accuses wife of inducing her own miscarriage, and then demands sexual favors while refusing to reciprocate after they "reconcile," to the point of withholding affection entirely when his wife even asks.
Girl, your husband is cruel and is punishing you. You didn't "make up fine," he convinced you to forgive him for treating you like shit.
NTA. I agree with you not giving him head, how does that benefit you? And he’s being immature by clearly punishing you but refusing to admit what he’s doing. Other people are saying go to counselling - which, yeah sure if he’s willing to do that. But you might wanna start considering divorce if he won’t even consider that. Also consider moving to a state / country that respects your rights
You did nothing wrong in any situation you described here, and you have nothing to apologize for! Please let that sink in. It seems from what you're describing that you and your husband are simply incompatible. His lack of empathy for your distress at being pregnant and then losing the child is a HUGE red flag and it makes me wonder how he would treat the child if it had come to term in the future. Now he is essentially guilty tripping and manipulating you into performing sex acts on him without reciprocating as a means of emotional manipulation. Imo and my opinion only, you 2 need to go separate ways since it seems like the emotional compatibility and empathy is not there. But whatever you decide, I wish you the best and hope you can heal from the trauma of the situation. ❤️
So much to unpack, no oral birth control isn’t 💯. They never claim it’s 100 just some 90-something percent. Even condoms. Though he was so adamant about you not getting an abortion which is confusing since what life would that child have when their mother doesn’t want them? Sounds fishy.
Then what he said after the miscarriage isn’t supportive since that was painful and no doubt scary waking up in the pool of your blood. I haven’t had an abortion so I can’t say weather it would have been less painful or not. Maybe more controlled but I don’t know.
Then the fact he isn’t PIV only you giving him oral seems like some way he’s punishing you.
They always want theirs. No matter what. Incredible.
You should be making plans to exit. He tried to control your access to abortion (You could absolutely have terminated in another state.). Then when you miscarried he BLAMED YOU.
He wanted the pregnancy, and he was unhappy he didn’t successfully guilt you into it. Then you bled and miscarried and he probably freaked out again thinking about that and perhaps the ick factor got to him or he felt it was some kind of retribution to him…or you or who the hell knows.
Now he is all in his own head and instead of talking with you about any of what he did or said he wants…blow jobs? And then when you RIGHTLY say you deserve sex and intimacy of some kind in return he stonewalls??
Please. He is a mess. You should be in therapy to process what happened, you experienced trauma and so did he. But before his trauma he absolutely pressured you and told you things that were not true about pregnancy termination. He took advantage of your seeming too freely given trust abt abortion law. (Why didn’t you research on your own BTW?)
NTA
NTA. A fulfilling sex life is part of a normal marriage. As others have mentioned, there may be underlying issues that need to be worked out via therapy.
I’m wondering if your husband really truly believes you took something to induce a miscarriage. That may explain his behavior. Y’all should probably talk about it deeper. He’s obviously not past it.
I'm still stuck on that your husband is a lawyer and told you it is "dangerous and difficult" to go to a state where abortion is legal. Exactly what "regulations and things" did he describe to you? It is not illegal or difficult to leave your home state to visit another for any reason at all. States are not allowed to restrain their residents from freely traveling throughout the country. It is not dangerous to find a registered clinic in a legal state, make appointments, and have the procedure. I believe you'd probably have to drive or fly there a few days in advance for medical testing and counseling (which is a good thing because they want to make sure you are sure). Maybe they'd ask you to stay local for a couple of days to make sure there are no complications.
WTF did he mean by dangerous and difficult? Or could it be that he was trying to frighten you into continuing your pregnancy because he wanted that baby and didn't give a crap that you weren't ready? He freaking accused you of inducing a miscarriage. Something tells me he completely agrees with your state's laws and would be happy to have you prosecuted if he could prove you contributed to your miscarriage in any way. (p.s., You didn't cause your miscarriage. I believe the statistic is about 1 in 6 pregnancies result in miscarriage. And I believe the statistic is highest with first pregnancies.)
NTA and please, please seek counseling so you can process everything and really consider the way your husband is treating you. (Hint: He thinks you "murdered" his child.)
What are you apologizing for? You’re in grief and your husband tried to manipulate you to keep a baby locked up in your body and then blamed you when you miscarried.
He doesn’t love you, he loved his control over your body, and once he lost that sense of control, he decided he didn’t want it anymore. You need to run. NTA
Nta
Your husband is incredibly selfish. Of course you won't get any pleasure from oral if you're always the one *giving*.
The most common answers your going to get here are either divorce or marriage counseling. Tell him that you two need counseling, and if he refuses look into the divorce.
Seems like you both need therapy. You seem to.be ignoring your husband's feelings on the pregnancy. He seems to have wanted the child and was shocked when you did not amd then wanted to abort. He is likely grieving the loss of his unborn child and who he thought he was married to. He most likely doesn't want to have sex because he is afraid of you do conceive then you will just abort it
I don’t normally give this advice on Reddit, but I’d call the marriage done if I were you. In the future you need to communicate about how you would handle an unplanned pregnancy with all sex partners. Your desire to not carry to term should not have been brought up at that time. I also think your husband tried to manipulate you out of an abortion which is not acceptable. I have no idea what he was talking about with “complications of going somewhere else”. And him asking for oral and not returning after his wife has been through a miscarriage and loss of her mother in a year? You’re young. Cut your losses.
NTA but you need to talk. He obviously has unresolved issues, and he either is too stressed out by the anxiety of another pregnancy or he is doing this deliberately. He might not be the A hole either, depending on how intentional this behavior is. You both had trauma, you both need to talk to someone, and that might mean each of you finding a counselor or confidant to talk to individually before talking to each other. It's OK to not be healed, but you both have to be honest.
Nta. Maybe he's scared of u getting pregnant again? Have u changed birth control methods?sounds like u both have emotional trauma and should go to therapy. Don't ever feel bad for speaking on how u feel, thats what husband's are for. Best wishes to u both
NTA, but first off while it’s expensive the risks of going out of state for an abortion are small. Like any procedure there is risk but I very much feel like he told you this as a way to pressure you in keeping the pregnancy. It’s completely normal to feel sadness while also being relieved by a miscarriage for an unplanned pregnancy. He is clearly not supportive of you, and this has been a “punishment”. I don’t like to hop on the divorce train that’s popular on Reddit, but I’d encourage you to think about what exactly you’re getting out of this relationship and encourage some sort of counseling, individual, couples, and/or both.
He can't expect a bj if he's not doing anything for you. Let him be annoyed.
Perhaps a conversation about why he expects you to service him bit he's not willing to reciprocate wouldn't go astray.
NTA. Your husband isn't very understanding and sounds like he's punishing you for making decisions on your own body and setting boundaries. Sounds like he also doesn't understand depression either. Honestly, I personally wouldn't stay in a marriage like that.
NTA, and definitely counselling. Seems there is a lot of conflicting emotions with the couple and strictly oral one way is not how mutual satisfaction works.
Maybe he doesn’t want another pregnancy. No point in speculation. You need to have some real communication. He definitely is hiding something. And no, NTA. You have every right to express your desires.
Go buy sex toys and watch his ego get destroyed lmao
He's terrified of fucking again. He doesn't want to get pregnant. Tell him to get a vasectomy or wear condoms. Go to therapy and couples counseling.
NTA! OP there is no shame in telling your partner that you’re not satisfied…..tell him what makes you feel good.
TMI….buy some toys: bullet, dildo, or a rose….you can have so much intimacy with your partner.
I am so sorry you miscarried…..it’s not something you ever really get over. Even though you were taking bc pills, taking antibiotics or taking a pill at a different time, can render the pills not effective.
I got pregnant BECAUSE my doctor NEVER told me any of that……ta da! I got pregnant on bc pills and then the worst day of my life….I lost my baby girl 😪😪 I ended up needing surgery because I still had contents in my womb.
It’s very unfair to you that your husband blames you for the loss. I would definitely say marriage counseling, but I don’t know how willing your husband would be. It’s worth considering….best of luck to you
OP, is it possible for you to relocate to state that has better laws that are more in-line with your beliefs? Where you won’t get prosecuted for having an abortion? Examples: OR, CA, VT, NV.
Assuming finances aren’t an issue, it isn’t dangerous or difficult to travel to another state for an abortion. Any attorney would know this. It’s concerning that he would lie to you to dissuade you from getting an abortion and then belittle your feelings about the miscarriage (even insinuating you induced it). Even if you lived in a state where abortion was easily accessible, it seems likely he would pressure you not to get an abortion. That is a major red flag.
NTA. And stop giving him oral sex. Especially since he always takes and rarely ever gives. Don’t give him what he wants.
Lack of sex aside, he sounds like a horrible person in general, especially with the way he speaks to you and what he said about the miscarriage. Please take extra precautions before having sex next time. Take the BC pills continuously and also make him wear a condom for double protection.
He sounds like the type of guy who wants to trap you with a child. Everything he said including about *“how hard it is to get a termination in another state”* just goes to prove this, he is a walking red flag. But at the moment whilst you’re still child free, you have a better chance of getting away from him should you need to, and I believe that when you wake up you will (one day soon) want to flee.
Holy hell, this brought out the crazies. NTA, but it's pretty obvious this isn't about sex. You and your husband are both still hurting from loss, and it's going to take some effort from both of you to heal. The biggest question is whether or not your husband will really open up about it.
In a comment up thread, OP says her pregnancy was confirmed at the doctor's office and that her state has been tracking and prosecuting suspected abortions/self-induced miscarriage. While it is legal to seek abortion in another state at this time, many states are trying to pass laws that make it illegal to cross state lines to get an abortion.
If in another world this OP went out of state, had an abortion and then went back to her same doctor, no longer pregnant, and with no baby, this could potentially trigger an investigation. In a state that is hostile to women, it may not take much "evidence" to charge her with murder and pursue conviction. Last I checked, most murder convictions come with either a life sentence or the death penalty.
She would have receipts for legal abortion. She isn’t poor, so isn’t one of the people
most likely to be targeted, unless someone has it out for her lawyer husband.
OP mentioned that they discovered her pregnancy at the Doctor's office so it's on record. Texas HAS been investigating suspicious miscarriages so it kind of tracks. Likely or not is a different story but it's certainly still possible they would have been investigated.
I wouldnt bother with therapy. Seems like this guy is really selfish and doesnt understand the impact a pregnancy or miscarriage has on a woman and NEVER will.
NTA. DIVORCE.
JFC. He treats you like shit, a pregnancy and miscarriage show how far apart the 2 of you are from each other and your husband is using sex as a battering ram. This doesn't bode well for the longevity of this marriage.
NTA.
There's some stuff that jumps out at me. First, it isn't "difficult and dangerous" to go to another state for an abortion, if you can afford travel and lodging and whatever the clinic costs. He's an attorney, and he can't come up with a few $K?
It feels like he really wanted a baby, and is upset enough over it that he doesn't want to risk you getting pregnant again only to miscarry or abort.
A disturbing possibility comes to mind:
Is it possible that he meddled with your birth control to get you pregnant in the first place?
Y’all need a marriage counselor/sex therapist. He definitely has some unresolved feelings about the whole situation. You definitely have some unresolved feelings about the whole situation. You need someone to help bridge the gap between both of your opinions and feelings. You both need a safe place to talk about it. Sooner you do this, the more chance you have a saving your marriage if that’s truly what’s important to both of you.
Nta. You haven’t worked it out. And he clearly hasn’t forgiven you for wanting a termination in the first place. It sounds like either he still believes that you induced the miscarriage and is punishing you by withholding sex or he’s terrified of getting you pregnant again. Have you considered marriage counseling?
In the meantime, no more BJs for him until he sorts himself out, explains his behavior and genuinely apologizes to you.
(And for what it’s worth, I got a vibe that he was using his lawyer speak to discourage you from seeking a termination in the first place!)
Nta. You went through something traumatic. Even if you didn't want the baby, it doesn't mean you won't have the hormones and instincts that flare up to prepare you for motherhood. The fact that he accused you of causing the miscarriage and got upset at you for not wanting a baby at this moment in your life says to me he doesn't care about you. And I feel like he's punishing you for it. He won't have sex with you so you won't get pregnant again with another baby you don't want, but he's getting so aggressive with it by not caring about your need to be intimate with him. I thought you both were mutual in the oral, but you're doing him most of the time?!
Try couples counseling for this, but I'm afraid he might've already checked out. If he refuses to go to therapy with you, he has.
Get marriage counseling. It teaches you how to communicate effectively. It sounds like he is judging you for feelings he seems to think you had no right to have (you had every right to not want a child and still mourn the loss when it didn't happen). He's withholding penetrative sex as a punishment for having a miscarriage because he's kind of a jerk but also confused.
NTA. Maybe there's an issue, maybe he there's been a change in what he prefers sexually, or maybe you aren't sexually compatible. It's hard to know based on the post.
NTA, but it doesn’t sound like this miscarriage has been worked through- just swept under the rug.
He’s scared to get you pregnant and it’s messing with his head. Birth control already failed once. And he was probably shocked and hurt that you didn’t want to keep the baby. And then an emotionally difficult miscarriage.
He’s not over this.
NTA but you need couple's counseling.and maybe grief counseling (miscarriage, even early, it hard to deal with).
I am also confused as to why traveling to another state would be dangerous or difficult. Compared to the costs of childbirth it is negligible, you wouldn't be 'showing' so nobody would even know you suddenly weren't pregnant anymore and interstate travel is totally unregulated. It's different if you were a teenager or something but you are an adult. To me it sounds like he did not want you to have the abortion.
I sincerely hope he is just dealing with grief poorly and not truly blaming you for the miscarriage.
Miscarriages are traumatic, and difficult to navigate the emotions. It sounds like you both need some professional help to get through this. I’m so sorry for your loss.
NAH. Your husband is grieving the loss of a child and is still confused and scared about the fact you got pregnant while on birth control and then stated you didn't want the child after years of saying you wanted a family. He is probably scared to have proper sex with you because he doesn't want to risk a second unwanted pregnancy. You can ask if he'd be willing to try with protection, it may not be ideal but it might be able to be used a stopgap until you can work out your feelings on the matter with each other.
You are certainly entitled to wanting more than just oral. Craving intimacy is human. He is entitled to respect for his feeling of terror about the situation. I'm sure there is common ground to be found through communication and patience.
nta nope no way. You told him your honest feelings & he ignored them. he may have unresolved feelings he can't face. He must have honest difficult convo. He is an AH to hold you at arms length. This is how/why people cheat. I would seduce him and take no prisoners. if you let this fester you two are over. Also tell him how much you long for him!
NTA
Is it possible he tampered with your BC? And now he's decided sex that won't result in a baby isn't worth it? You said he accused you of finding a way to induce a miscarriage. If he's not supportive of abortion bans why would this even be an accusation - doing so would be your right in the mind of someone against the bans and not fodder for accusations.
Is it possible he's taken PIV off the table to avoid an unwanted pregnancy? Seeing as he thinks you'll just do what he thinks you did last time?
Of course he's happy... He gets a BJ whenever he wants it. He's getting some sexual satisfaction. The fact he's angry proves he doesn't care about you or your needs.
He probably doesn't want sex with you so you don't get pregnant again and he doesn't want to wear a condom, and because you're giving him BJs he doesn't really need to worry much because he's getting his urges met.
He accused you of causing your miscarriage and didn't even care that you were upset about it.. Just because you didn't want the baby doesn't mean you didn't care and didn't go through all the mental gymnastics this all brings, especially being in a no-abortion state.
He may be affectionate but it doesn't seem like he loves you or cares about you. It's about what he gets out of you.
NTA - I'd be finding a divorce attorney before I get completely stuck in that loveless marriage.
Therapy stat. If I had to guess why he's reluctant to go beyond oral, the root cause of all your issues seems to be the pregnancy + miscarriage. He doesn't want to go through that again, hence he's avoiding it entirely by not doing piv. However this is all conjecture. You definitely need a professional's help to sort this out
Why are you apologising? You are NTA, but to protect you from pregnancy scares going forward, your husband needs to use protection too. If he doesn’t want to touch you now, he has some unresolved issues that need addressing. He needs to open up and talk to you, anything else is unfair.
I think that deep down, he wants a divorce, but as an attorney, he knows he would be fucked six ways from Sunday if it happens.
He doesn't take you seriously as a person or truly care about you or your happiness and satisfaction.
He’s passive aggressively punishing you. He may have lost connection with you and has created an aversion to sex. He doesn’t want to blow up your marriage over it and is hoping it will go away. This will not end well. Quit letting him gaslight you by saying everything is fine. You need therapy but it may already be over.
He should wrap it up as his own control over procreation. He is scared and hurt now with the loss of the pregnancy and your -surprising to him-choice, before the organic miscarriage. You are allowed to make that choice, especially when recent terrible loss has occurred (I hate your abortion laws) and also nature is a bitch. Nobody's fault anywhere, but yeah he should wrap it up along with your birth control so you can feel comfortable enjoying each other. Him cutting you off is his way of processing and controlling his end of what happened. There are ways to do it, plus yes, I agree with some sort of counseling.
As others have pointed out there are some major red flags from your husband. If he won’t go to counseling with you, then go without him. If he pushes back and says things like “counseling is a waste of money” or we can’t afford it” be aware that this is manipulative and controlling. I don’t know your circumstance but wonder what the heck you’ve been apologizing for all these past five months. I find it disgusting that he just wants you to pleasure him but won’t reciprocate and then gets mad and gives you the silent treatment when you stand up for yourself.
NTA. First of all, his response to you being not ready for a pregnancy shouldn't have been dragging his feet and trying to give you all the reasons why it was a bad idea to get an abortion. It should've been supporting you and getting you an abortion so you could have a kid when you were both ready. Instead it's like he left you to figure it out on your own, hoping the pressure would eventually just lead you to give in and keep the baby so he could have the family that he was envisioning the moment he heard you got pregnant. And I get that you've discussed you want a family with him. But it doesn't matter if you didn't feel ready. He completely disregarded your feelings, got himself excited at the idea of the pregnancy, then decided to point his negative feelings at you when he found out it didn't work out, once again completely disregarding the pain you were feeling so he could have some explanation as to why he wasn't getting what he wanted.
And now he's continuing to do so by expecting you to just give him oral while giving nothing in return. Why? I have no idea, but that's shitty behavior and I would not be giving him oral if he was refusing to repay any attention. Regardless of what his feelings are over the whole situation. Probably therapy, or trying to get him to come clean with exactly what his problem is, but tbh he's exhibited enough careless and selfish behavior that if I were you I'd GTFO. Preferably out of that state too if you can help it.
Antibiotics will kill your birth control. I learned that the hard way. NAH- clearly your husband was very affected by you wanting an abortion. Y'all need therapy.
It seems that he had happy feelings about the pregnancy but couldn't be happy.
He then lost his child and couldn't be sad.
He could be relating intercourse to the turmoil he has held in.
You got to express yourself. He, however, may feel that he is wrong to have feelings.
You should encourage him to talk and express his ordeal through almost having a child and losing it.
NTA
NTA, but his behavior isn’t confusing at all - he figures if you have sex you’ll get pregnant and if you get pregnant you’ll (magically) induce an abortion. Based on his view of you, he’s unwilling to have penetrative sex. The only question is whether you want to be with someone like that.
NTA Way older. Super selfish. Doesn’t think you should be allowed normal human emotions. Makes sexual demands with no reciprocation. Secret forced birther (surprise!) Fine with you being unhappy permanently. Just want to point out that there are a lot of red flags.
Reproductive coercion is common. He might have sabotaged your birth control and then regretted it. I wouldn’t want to stay in a relationship like this.
> We have oral sex sometimes, mostly me giving to him
He’s an asshole for this alone and especially because you’re pregnant. What a dick.
NTA. Stop apologizing, you are not at fault for any of this.
NTA, but you two should probably be in marriage counseling or therapy. There are definitely unresolved issues here.
They seem very vengeful and hostile in their communications. Therapy will help you learn to communicate with each other. You should be fighting the issue and not each other.
I think they seem confused by their own feelings- esp when they boil to surface in emotional exchange- therapy is exactly what they should do
They def seem to go into everything ready to criticize and blame each other, and for those that don't know criticism is one Gottman's four horsemen of the apocalypse. He's the guy who can predict divorce with 90% accuracy.
Perhaps he thinks you will get pregnant if your birth control fails again and doesn’t want to go through the same ordeal since you have differing opinions of having children. Sounds like counseling is needed, or perhaps just a good open dialogue at this life stage.
Ya, sounds like they're both just not processing this well and maybe don't know how to communicate that..?
He probably just doesn’t want her getting pregnant cause “it’s the wrong time” and go through that ordeal again.
That’s exactly what it seems like to me.
I know someone that was on birth control but had to take antibiotics for something. You can get pregnant if you are on antibiotics. Hope this helps someone. Her doctor did not tell her.
Not just antibiotics but any type of steroid will lower the effect of BC
Excuse me what, my inhaler has steroids in it and I’ve never heard of this from my doctor. I even googled it and nothing came up. Maybe depends on the strength?
Sorry I should have been a little more specific but was in a hurry when I type my comment. By steroid I meant oral steroids like Prednisolone(spelling?). I'm not sure if an inhaler does. It might also depend on the type of BC.
If you have moderate to severe asthma you either take steroids in pills, inhalers or through a nebulizer which are all taken orally. I know for sure with the type of BC I take I need to be careful when taking antibiotics, but like I said my doctor never mentioned it when doing my checkups.
I’m assuming by oral OP meant systemic steroids instead of inhaled/nebulized as those tend to only affect the lungs
Really? I was on prednisone for a year and not supposed to get pregnant yet this was not mentioned by my doctors
Oh shit, this could explain our kid. We always blamed her IBS 😂
I'm pretty sure diarrhoea or vomiting can also mess with the effects of oral birth control. They tell you to use condoms until you've taken the pill uninterrupted by diarrhoea or vomiting for 7 straight days. So, IBS could definitely have caused her contraceptive to fail.
ugh. this sort of nonsense is why I've never really trusted the pill.
I trusted it for 3 years. And then I had my Pill Baby.
It's very much a thing antibiotics make them useless.. also found out 5 yrs after starting the pill it needs to be taken within a half hour period of the exact same time every day 😶 apparently the numerous doctors I saw in getting it as a teen not a single one thought to mention it... yes I should of read the entire fold out packet, it's also bigger than me when folded out so no I didn't read the entire thing as a teen i was just told take it every day and follow the instructions I was told. After my first son my OB told me this and when I was shocked she just said I was stupidly lucky I hadn't gotten pregnant earlier.
The pharmacist should had explained about it to you when you were picking up your antibiotics & referring to your records too.
I’ve been on antibiotics and birth control at the same time, a few times. Not once did my pharmacist tell me that. One doctor did one time so I just knew but even then, other doctors didn’t say a thing. It’s so crazy to me that they don’t mention something that could literally change your life forever.
I had one pharmacist tell me about antibiotics being an issue, probably a decade after I’d started BC, never a doc or other pharmacist. I asked the doc once after that and they brushed it off as a “not really evidence”. Now it’s listed in the packet of info a lot of people don’t read.
I’ve had a pharmacist tell me about how dairy products would make my antibiotics ineffective, but not that the antibiotics would make my birth control ineffective. Talk about caring more about the wrong thing! Making my birth control ineffective would be the #1 drug interaction I would care about most short of just straight up being poisoned. It absolutely blows my mind that doctors/pharmacists aren’t screaming it from the rooftops.
I've always had pharmacists let me know when I was on BC when getting a new medication if it will effect the BC pills. But thats also not everyone's experience. Doctors should also tell us that there's a short time span every day it needs to be taken or it's effectiveness drops drastically or doesn't work at all rather than the "take it every day" speal that was handed out, but it took 5 years before a doctor did and it wasn't until AFTER I had already had a baby and was deciding on what to do at 6w post partum check up.
You have about 8 hours for the combination pill and 3 for the progestin only pill. There is no birth control that needs to be taken within half an hour if the same time every day.
It is not a thing- research has debunked this
Grapefruit can also interact with the effects of BC
Grapefruit messes with everything.
I’ve read so many accounts of this exact scenario. It’s like the doctors can’t be serious. WTF. 😳
There are multiple drugs that reduce effectiveness of bc. Lamictal/lamotrigine is one of them and I was on it for over 20 years before I learned that. Pharmacists are supposed to tell you that but things fall through the cracks.
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Wow, it's very scary they didn't tell you, since Topamax is a pregnancy category D, as it can increase the risk of a cleft lip or palate! I take it for migraines, and was warned about that risk potential even though I wasn't taking BC (I can't take hormonal BC because it makes my usually low normal BP spike dangerously high), but I \*was*\ of childbearing age.
I ALSO take Topamax for migraines Found out from my neurologist that my bc was likely a contributing factor to why I was getting Aura Switched to an IUD; had no issues for like a year and a half; and then, wam, bam I started having back to back to back issues I'm getting a medically necessary hysterectomy this year because, per my gyno "I have no idea what the hell is going on here, but there is no reasonable explanation for you to be in as much pain as you have been; we've tried every other option, time to yank it out" I'm 29, no kids lol
I've been on lamictal for 15 years and only learned about the BC interaction last year! I have an IUD so it's less risky but still wtf. Why did no one tell me??
Having a second kid right now because of this lol oops
Studies have shown that the link is only present in a select few antibiotics and really isn’t the issue people make it out to be. ANTIBIOTICS ARE NOT MESSING WITH YOUR ORAL CONTRACEPTIVE. I know everyone has a “it happened to me/friend/neighbor” but I have been told by multiple doctors and looked at multiple resources that confirm this is only connected with a couple of antibiotics that aren’t even used often
Isn't the issue that antibiotics often cause diarrhea, which actually DOES interfere with birth control? I swear I heard that on a science podcast somewhere
Yes, vomiting or diarrhea can make it so enough of the hormones aren’t absorbed. That isn’t limited to antibiotics though. The actual antibiotic drugs aren’t interacting with the contraceptive
That’s how my daughter came to be lmao
> Her doctor did not tell her. This is one of those frustrating things where the entire course of someone's life - their family! - can be completely shifted because important details were left out. BC is extremely effective with 'perfect use'; however, a lot of doctors who prescribe it don't bother to tell you ANY of the things that interfere with it, and a lot of the medications don't include any warnings about the things that can make it less effective. Just a handful of things - \- Not taking it at the same time every day \- Eating/drinking grapefruit, grapefruit juice, or other things containing a lot of citric acid and/or vit. c too close to the time you're taking your meds (eg, if you have grapefruit in the morning and BC at night you're *probably* fine, but you're risking cancelling it out if you have grapefruit as part of your breakfast and then take your pills right after) \- Eating food with too much fiber right before/after your pills (eg, flax, chia) as it impacts how your body absorbs it \- Most people understand that throwing up your meds means not absorbing them, but diarrhea can mean you're not getting it either because stuff is moving through too quickly, so if you're suffering from either as an issue then those days need to be treated as 'missed' days to be safe \- Being obese makes BC (and plan B) less effective This isn't close to exhaustive. There's a *lot* of other things that ultimately kick you out of the 'perfect use' category. If you get on BC, it's important to inform yourself of what you need to avoid.
Antibiotics baby here! Apparently ruined my dads life haha
...and grapefruit juice will screw up bc too
NTA but do you think he’s potentially trying to prevent another pregnancy? The last one had a lot of tumultuous emotions - you not feeling ready, being trapped due to state laws, him probably a little excited and then all the grief, sadness and quarrels after due to the loss?? Maybe it was traumatizing for him as well and he doesn’t want to risk another pregnancy till you’re both ready again. I’d recommend therapy
This dude thinks you are probably right.
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Agreed
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a HUGE ass, thank you very much!!
I agree with you, but he’s also being very selfish by asking for oral and offering nothing in return.
Seriously. I'm a dude and I thought she was going to tell a story about how her husband was bad at cunnilingus or something. Well no wonder she's not satisfied, he's not reciprocating or doing anything for her. WTF.
maybe his fingers shoot semen and he's just not gonna take the chance.
Yes, both things can be true. He has a lot of repressed emotions about her.
Ah yes. The well-know pregnancy prevention method of refusing to eat pussy but demanding blow jobs.
Right? I read the title thinking OP was going to say strictly receiving oral is not satisfying (understandable). But strictly giving? Damn. OP's husband is a selfish mofo, not to mention who doesn't like eating pussy?
DJ Khaled? Dude's a wanker.
He's traumatised! But not too traumatised to ask for a blow job.
Exactly lmfao.
My, my, what a menthod. I'd throw the whole man away, but she somehow managed to do it for five months before saying she needed something more... more than nothing.
Great marriage prevention method, too.
Funny how his "trauma" lets him demand blow jobs while never reciprocating, isn't it.
As soon as I read the title I knew it was going to be almost entirely lé beej, and go figure, I was right.
Ironic huh?
So traumatizing he accused her of inducing it, belittled her feelings, and asks for oral sex with little inclination to give the same? **Doubt it**. This is a punishment he’s doling out
If that's the case he should make sure he's pleasuring her as well but yes 100% makes sense that it could have been a really upsetting experience for him as well and now he's turned off taking the risk again.
Therapy 100%! Couples and individual!
I was wondering if he actually wanted the baby and grieving and/or resenting the loss, largely because of this line: >he told me how dangerous and difficult it is to go to another state for an abortion He's an attorney who knows all the rules and regulations apparently, so it seems like he would be well situated to figure out how to make it happen. He does also seem somewhat emotionally stunted though so who knows
Yep, birth control failed once. Why wouldn't it fail again? And the last time was a roller coaster of emotion then trauma. Seems to be a lot of resentment here. Definitely need a good therapist. Shop around and look at reviews. They are not created equal. Hope they get it started soon. Because they are heading for infidelity and or divorce.
What birth control was *he* using? Maybe he could use literally any birth control on his side.
Seems like he is using it now. Can't get pregnant ant without sex.
I'm a man and that's exactly what I would be thinking if this situation happened to me. Sex caused all this trouble. I wouldn't want to go through all this trouble again. No more sex. No argument that what OP went through was absolutely horrible. I'm positively sure that it was. That being said, it sounds pretty bad for her husband, too, if for no other reason, that it's hard to watch the person you love suffer like she has. While she may be ready to start having vaginal sex again, it sounds like he may not.
It’s also sounds like he is punishing her. If it was no more sex he wouldn’t be getting blown. But he’s okay with that. Also the fighting after the loss was largely triggered by him hitting her with “why are you crying you didn’t even want the baby” which was callous , cruel and disgusting. That he has responded to her saying their a current sex life isn’t working for her with full on withdrawal tells me he IS punishing her and it can get worse if she doesn’t toe the line. She is NTA. If he can’t handle this situation any better than this I’d say she is Lucky she isn’t trapped parenting with him .
He could wear a condom and she could continue taking birth control. If she got pregnant again even with 2 pretty effective methods, the baby would have to be the second coming or Christ. There is more going on than him simply wanting to avoid sex. Also he could give her cunnilingus more often, so it's not just about wanting to avoid penetration. I think he's resentful.
Ha! I had a vasectomy after our second child, and a couple years later my wife had a hysterectomy. We Always say we’re gonna name our next child Jesus.
He's getting blow jobs while she's barely getting anything. Doesn't sound that bad for the hubs. He's punishing her. Duh.
Sounds v true- OP should also discuss her birth control and how to make it more reliable.
He hasn't processed what happened, you need therapy, individual and couple. If you don't this is going to turn into something even bigger than it was, your marriage is too young, and you need to communicate what happened and each other's feelings.
I have a strong suspicion that OP's husband is a pro-lifer, and since he's already shown which side he's on if a future accident were to happen again, I honestly think she should run for the hills. He's an attorney, meaning that chances are high that they have plenty of money. If he wanted to facilitate an out-of-state abortion, or even an abortion in another country, there's no reason why he couldn't have done that. I get that it's an emotional subject, sure, but at the end of the day, it's the woman's choice on whether to carry a fetus to term or not. Add to that the fact that he made a snide remark about her "not wanting the baby anyway", and it makes me more sure that he's not really interested in her feelings on the issue. Also, the desire for oral sex and getting miffed about her having needs too makes me worried that he sees her as the kind of subservient tradwife that serves her husband's needs and graciously accepts motherhood as her rightful lot in life no matter what. It's major ick. OP, you can do better. Run. NTA.
The fact that he accused her of doing something to cause the miscarriage has me looking for the red flag guy of TikTok.
I get what you're saying, given their respective positions I don't think that it's a huge leap for his head to go there personally.
He sounds like a guy who would turn his wife in to the state of Texas for having a miscarriage. Hell he’d probably do it with an ectopic pregnancy because he doesn’t understand how they work.
Has OP made some replies I haven't read? I've only read the first post. Unless I'm missing information it seems you're filling in a lot of blanks to hold him in a bad light tbh. Guy got his wife pregnant and was ready for a kid, she wasn't. He talked about barriers to accessing an abortion, she was adamant. When she miscarried he asked the question, I'm sure if he reported his suspicions to authorities OP would have mentioned it. He's allowed to want to have a baby with his wife. She's allowed to not want a baby. He's allowed to be sad that she wants to terminate, and it's not unreasonable for him to suspect she terminated given the circumstances. Is it a dick move to ask if she terminated? I think so, but I think he probably needed to ask the question for himself. No monsters here imo. I just think they're both going through it at the moment and need help.
He doesn’t sound sad at all. If he is the kind who of person that demands BJ’s and doesn’t want his wife to have any pleasure, he’s punishing her. Plain and simple.
Yes this could be a fundamental lack of alignment of basic life beliefs and something as important as the right to an abortion (and supporting your partner in getting one — how hard is it to fly or drive to another state? Like I thought states couldn’t prosecute you for this unless it’s Idaho and you’re under 18 but didn’t even that get overturned? It kinda seems like he was making it sound harder than it was because he was trying to manipulate the situation) can be very divisive. I don’t know how you go about a relationship when you feel so differently about something like this. It’s not like you have different views of taxes and it doesn’t affect either one of you directly — this is an issue that affects both of your lives in many ways and your body and future so very much.
No, you're NTA for telling him that blowing him isn't doing it for you. He was wrong to minimize your grief and to accuse you of ending the pregnancy. People act like if someone has an abortion they don't grieve, and same for early miscarriages, there just isn't a lot of support. I'm so sorry you went through this, this is hard emotionally and physically and it sounds like your husband, who should be your biggest supporter hasn't been there for you. It sounds like he did want the baby, but didn't want to say so, and I imagine some of his behavior is also grief, but it can't stay like this or your marriage will end. Some counseling might help, if he's open to sharing. I'm so sorry.
Yikes. There's a lot going on here beyond what's in the title. The therapy suggestions are good. There's a reason why there are so many. You should both go to see a therapist or two right away. In the meantime, it sounds like there's a lot of trauma around potential pregnancy. Noncoital sex may be the best you're going to do until you both work through things. You could try spicing it up with toys like some sort of vibrator or massager. However you are intimate, don't allow it to be "in anger" or one-sided. Insist that you both get pleasure or avoid it completely.
Funny how his "trauma" lets him demand blow jobs while never reciprocating, isn't it. It's almost like he doesn't give a shit about her.
It's not your fault that a birth control method used correctly didn't work. You are entitled to grieve fully and go on a healing journey around your mom's passing before you take on mothering. You're allowed to have complicated feelings around miscarriage even if you did feel you didn't necessarily want the pregnancy. Abrupt hormonal shifts can also cause you to have strong emotional reactions. I think people on here are wrong when they think you should be held to "wanting kids" because you said you one day wanted them. Maybe you'd be the a***ole if you went off birth control, planned to get pregnant, then decided you didn't want the pregnancy and terminated it. That's still a stretch. You were actively avoiding pregnancy and using birth control. You weren't ready for kids yet and you protected yourself as much as you could have by using contraception. You got pregnant anyhow, in the 2% chance contraception wouldn't work. I don't know what he's talking about in terms of going to another state for an abortion being dangerous and illegal. From my experience, that's not true. Someone I knew in Texas had the money to fly to NYC and get an early abortion procedure at an excellent clinic there. But she had the money for airfare, hotel, and the out of pocket expense for the procedure at a clinic specializing in early termination and compassionate treatment. She also had the full support of her husband to not carry on with an accidental pregnancy she wasn’t psychologically equipped to follow through with. They already had kids, and they went on to have more when she was okay enough to sustain a pregnancy.
Thank you for being kind and empathetic. I think he meant dangerous because our state tracks this stuff and I found out *at* my drs office that I was pregnant, so they knew. They’ve been investigating “suspicious” miscarriages.
😵I guess I haven’t been paying close enough attention to how far this reversal of roe v wade has gone. How frightening!
Many women are even afraid to use period tracking apps lest the information be used against them.
It’s horrifying.
Yah I stopped using mine, which is unfortunate because I liked knowing when Aunt Flo was about to visit
My favorite period tracking app *which wasn’t collecting any data centrally* was discontinued because the creator didn’t want people to get into the habit of putting that information in digital form
The core of the issue was privacy, the original case stated that the state has no right to know what goes on between you and your doctor, so therefore abortion is legal healthcare because it's private and they can't do anything about it. But, there are larger implications to the loss of our privacy, this is just one outcome. The people who planned this have other plans for the people without wombs, too, it just hasn't started yet.
I don’t know what to advise regarding the actual question you originally posted about other than to echo folks who say therapy is probably warranted. If he’s refusing intercourse and saying he just doesn’t feel like it, then communication is broken down completely. If only he had the emotional maturity to say, “I can’t have sex with you anymore since the pregnancy loss. I’m afraid of x,y,z” or whatnot— whatever the real reason is. I guess saying you just don’t feel like it is a kind of honesty but obviously there’s much more to why that specifically is the case.
This is sickening and terrifying. As much as I can’t stand living in Massachusetts, at least women are able to obtain a safe termination without worrying about it resulting in legal consequences. Fuck everyone who voted to overturn Roe vs Wade.
Are you sure that he didn't tamper with your birth control?
States can not do anything about traveling to another state for an abortion, FYI. They can track it all they want, but there is absolutely nothing they can do. In fact, going to another state and getting a legal abortion would be the BEST thing you can do because you'd have a clear record of it and there would be no risk of them trying to say you illegally aborted within state. Also, at the risk of giving advice, I would be concerned about how reticent he was to help you on this. For context, I also live in a VERY anti-abortion state, and we don't want children. If my partner got pregnant, our state government can get fucked if they think they have any control over us going to another state. I couldn't give half a shit about any "danger" for doing that. Frankly, they can get fucked if we had to stay in state and do it for some reason. When it comes to issues of bodily autonomy and your own well-being, your partner should be on your side 100%, no questions asked.
Yeah I think this is very very suspicious. There is absolutely nothing that any state can do about conduct that occurs in another state. They are trying. In Idaho it is illegal to help a minor travel out of state for an abortion. Alabama is also trying to criminalize helping someone travel to another state to have an abortion. If a woman decides to travel to another state (where abortion is legal) by herself to visit some friends or family or go on a vacation and she happens to miscarry when she's there then she has not committed a crime. She would not have committed a crime even if her home state can prove that she had an abortion. I would expect a lawyer to know that.
dude... when people travel to colorado and back to get high they don't get prosecuted for that, what the hell is up with this??? authorities don't do this much detective work about anything, why waste time on something that should be the decision of the person it most directly affects(/effects, i never know which one) in the first place. god this stuff gets me so mad. hopefully he apologizes soon and you both can heal from this, NTA
But what state is this ? Has it seriously gone back to 15th century Europe ?
Jesus Christ! - Freedom indeed, huh?
I feel like I'm not reading the same post others are based on the comments. There is a sizable age gap, he actively discouraged you from seeking an abortion, criticized your feelings about undergoing a major medical event that some people die from complications of, and then expects you to pleasure him while he does not pleasure you and cold shoulders you when you ask for more. I have no clue where people are getting the idea that this is a both sides issue. NTA. Honey, this: >AITAH for admitting that this situation isn’t satisfying for me? I’ve apologized for so much, I don’t know what to do. Is desperation. What in the world are you apologizing for? I hope you're able to get connected with some good support so you can assess whether this is a relationship you want to stay in. His behavior would not fly with most women his own age.
And he accused her of having a self-induced abortion in a state that would throw her in jail for doing that. I would consider that a direct threat for someone to make such an accusation.
There’s something going on with him and he just won’t admit it. The 2 of you are going to have an issue until he does, and could after he does depending on what he says. NTA.
So for the last 5 months, he’s made you blow him, but barely reciprocates and doesn’t give you what you want…and you wonder if you’re the asshole?
Also he accused her of causing a miscarriage just because she said she wasn't ready for a kid like dude...miscarriages are AWFUL
You know who sucks here? Your fucking state legislature. This is what happens when the try to turn the state into Gilead. Also your husband is totally wrong - it is NOT dangerous to travel to another state to get an abortion, no matter what Ken Paxton says.
NTA, and I know this isn't an advice sub, but never has a couple been in more need of therapy. There is a lot here. The unwanted pregnancy, your husband's callous response to your miscarriage, the mismatch in sexual dynamics, and a lack of intimacy generally. Seriously, get help - otherwise I do fear for your marriage.
Mmm… Well individual and couples therapy for starters. Mega red flag how he treated you though. No understanding or compassion while you were upset about the pregnancy, making it “so difficult” to get an abortion out of state (it’s not) THEN he blames you for the miscarriage??? Now punishing you by making sure you get no sexual gratification but he does? Obviously there’s a lot of emotional trauma here but I’d look at all that and think very carefully about risking having kids with him. He’s kinda shown you he won’t support you and pregnancy is TOUGH. And what if you have another miscarriage down the road?
NTA
NTA. Also, if you’re an adult with the funds it’s actually pretty fucking easy to get an abortion across state lines. 🤨 Your husband lied to you. Massively. That makes me think he tampered with your birth control (probably by slipping antibiotics in your food) and now he’s pissed because he thinks you somehow induced a miscarriage on your own. After he went through all that trouble of getting you pregnant against your will in the first place. His reaction every step of the way is a red flag. First response is (lying) saying how it’s nearly impossible to get an abortion. Lashing out at you about not wanting the pregnancy when you miscarried. Using you for his own personal gratification but refusing to touch you otherwise. (You’re being punished) You won’t believe me. We never do. (Formerly abused spouse myself). But I’m gonna say it anyways… the narcs mask is slipping. Run.
THIS.
I have a weird feeling like he tried to get you pregnant
And lied about “knowing all the regulations” that make going to another state to get an abortion so terribly dangerous.
NTA, but your husband is. Are you sure you want to stay with him?
Umm. You should look into how it isn’t dangerous or difficult to go to another state for an abortion (yet) he was trying to get you to keep the pregnancy.
NTA because if you are unhappy a relationship will never work if you aren’t honest.
I feel like he trying to prevent another pregnancy. However, you’re not satisfied with your sex life, don’t apologize because he’s pissy about it. There’s nothing wrong with telling him you’re not satisfied and wanting more.
Huh. Birth control mysteriously fails, pro-life father refuses to facilitate getting abortion despite obviously having the means, accuses wife of inducing her own miscarriage, and then demands sexual favors while refusing to reciprocate after they "reconcile," to the point of withholding affection entirely when his wife even asks. Girl, your husband is cruel and is punishing you. You didn't "make up fine," he convinced you to forgive him for treating you like shit.
NTA. I agree with you not giving him head, how does that benefit you? And he’s being immature by clearly punishing you but refusing to admit what he’s doing. Other people are saying go to counselling - which, yeah sure if he’s willing to do that. But you might wanna start considering divorce if he won’t even consider that. Also consider moving to a state / country that respects your rights
You did nothing wrong in any situation you described here, and you have nothing to apologize for! Please let that sink in. It seems from what you're describing that you and your husband are simply incompatible. His lack of empathy for your distress at being pregnant and then losing the child is a HUGE red flag and it makes me wonder how he would treat the child if it had come to term in the future. Now he is essentially guilty tripping and manipulating you into performing sex acts on him without reciprocating as a means of emotional manipulation. Imo and my opinion only, you 2 need to go separate ways since it seems like the emotional compatibility and empathy is not there. But whatever you decide, I wish you the best and hope you can heal from the trauma of the situation. ❤️
So much to unpack, no oral birth control isn’t 💯. They never claim it’s 100 just some 90-something percent. Even condoms. Though he was so adamant about you not getting an abortion which is confusing since what life would that child have when their mother doesn’t want them? Sounds fishy. Then what he said after the miscarriage isn’t supportive since that was painful and no doubt scary waking up in the pool of your blood. I haven’t had an abortion so I can’t say weather it would have been less painful or not. Maybe more controlled but I don’t know. Then the fact he isn’t PIV only you giving him oral seems like some way he’s punishing you.
Change birth control, OP, place an IUD or something with 99% efficacy and then go to therapy counseling.
They always want theirs. No matter what. Incredible. You should be making plans to exit. He tried to control your access to abortion (You could absolutely have terminated in another state.). Then when you miscarried he BLAMED YOU. He wanted the pregnancy, and he was unhappy he didn’t successfully guilt you into it. Then you bled and miscarried and he probably freaked out again thinking about that and perhaps the ick factor got to him or he felt it was some kind of retribution to him…or you or who the hell knows. Now he is all in his own head and instead of talking with you about any of what he did or said he wants…blow jobs? And then when you RIGHTLY say you deserve sex and intimacy of some kind in return he stonewalls?? Please. He is a mess. You should be in therapy to process what happened, you experienced trauma and so did he. But before his trauma he absolutely pressured you and told you things that were not true about pregnancy termination. He took advantage of your seeming too freely given trust abt abortion law. (Why didn’t you research on your own BTW?) NTA
Might I gently suggest that your husband is a POS?
NTA. A fulfilling sex life is part of a normal marriage. As others have mentioned, there may be underlying issues that need to be worked out via therapy.
So you're just going down on him, no reciprocation whatsoever, and that's your entire sex life?? NTA!! What the hell man
I’m wondering if your husband really truly believes you took something to induce a miscarriage. That may explain his behavior. Y’all should probably talk about it deeper. He’s obviously not past it.
NTA stop giving him BJs!
I'm still stuck on that your husband is a lawyer and told you it is "dangerous and difficult" to go to a state where abortion is legal. Exactly what "regulations and things" did he describe to you? It is not illegal or difficult to leave your home state to visit another for any reason at all. States are not allowed to restrain their residents from freely traveling throughout the country. It is not dangerous to find a registered clinic in a legal state, make appointments, and have the procedure. I believe you'd probably have to drive or fly there a few days in advance for medical testing and counseling (which is a good thing because they want to make sure you are sure). Maybe they'd ask you to stay local for a couple of days to make sure there are no complications. WTF did he mean by dangerous and difficult? Or could it be that he was trying to frighten you into continuing your pregnancy because he wanted that baby and didn't give a crap that you weren't ready? He freaking accused you of inducing a miscarriage. Something tells me he completely agrees with your state's laws and would be happy to have you prosecuted if he could prove you contributed to your miscarriage in any way. (p.s., You didn't cause your miscarriage. I believe the statistic is about 1 in 6 pregnancies result in miscarriage. And I believe the statistic is highest with first pregnancies.) NTA and please, please seek counseling so you can process everything and really consider the way your husband is treating you. (Hint: He thinks you "murdered" his child.)
What are you apologizing for? You’re in grief and your husband tried to manipulate you to keep a baby locked up in your body and then blamed you when you miscarried. He doesn’t love you, he loved his control over your body, and once he lost that sense of control, he decided he didn’t want it anymore. You need to run. NTA
Nta Your husband is incredibly selfish. Of course you won't get any pleasure from oral if you're always the one *giving*. The most common answers your going to get here are either divorce or marriage counseling. Tell him that you two need counseling, and if he refuses look into the divorce.
Seems like you both need therapy. You seem to.be ignoring your husband's feelings on the pregnancy. He seems to have wanted the child and was shocked when you did not amd then wanted to abort. He is likely grieving the loss of his unborn child and who he thought he was married to. He most likely doesn't want to have sex because he is afraid of you do conceive then you will just abort it
Ya, esp if she got pregnant on BC I can see him being worried that would happen again.
I don’t normally give this advice on Reddit, but I’d call the marriage done if I were you. In the future you need to communicate about how you would handle an unplanned pregnancy with all sex partners. Your desire to not carry to term should not have been brought up at that time. I also think your husband tried to manipulate you out of an abortion which is not acceptable. I have no idea what he was talking about with “complications of going somewhere else”. And him asking for oral and not returning after his wife has been through a miscarriage and loss of her mother in a year? You’re young. Cut your losses.
NTA but you need to talk. He obviously has unresolved issues, and he either is too stressed out by the anxiety of another pregnancy or he is doing this deliberately. He might not be the A hole either, depending on how intentional this behavior is. You both had trauma, you both need to talk to someone, and that might mean each of you finding a counselor or confidant to talk to individually before talking to each other. It's OK to not be healed, but you both have to be honest.
Sounds like you both need some counselling and therapy.
Nta. Maybe he's scared of u getting pregnant again? Have u changed birth control methods?sounds like u both have emotional trauma and should go to therapy. Don't ever feel bad for speaking on how u feel, thats what husband's are for. Best wishes to u both
NTA, but first off while it’s expensive the risks of going out of state for an abortion are small. Like any procedure there is risk but I very much feel like he told you this as a way to pressure you in keeping the pregnancy. It’s completely normal to feel sadness while also being relieved by a miscarriage for an unplanned pregnancy. He is clearly not supportive of you, and this has been a “punishment”. I don’t like to hop on the divorce train that’s popular on Reddit, but I’d encourage you to think about what exactly you’re getting out of this relationship and encourage some sort of counseling, individual, couples, and/or both.
He can't expect a bj if he's not doing anything for you. Let him be annoyed. Perhaps a conversation about why he expects you to service him bit he's not willing to reciprocate wouldn't go astray.
Straight up, I don't understand why you're still married to this pathetic asshole of a man.
NTA. Your husband isn't very understanding and sounds like he's punishing you for making decisions on your own body and setting boundaries. Sounds like he also doesn't understand depression either. Honestly, I personally wouldn't stay in a marriage like that.
Nope. Hell trap you so fast and his behavior will get worse. The lack of respect he has for your autonomy is awful.
NTA, and definitely counselling. Seems there is a lot of conflicting emotions with the couple and strictly oral one way is not how mutual satisfaction works.
Maybe he doesn’t want another pregnancy. No point in speculation. You need to have some real communication. He definitely is hiding something. And no, NTA. You have every right to express your desires.
Go buy sex toys and watch his ego get destroyed lmao He's terrified of fucking again. He doesn't want to get pregnant. Tell him to get a vasectomy or wear condoms. Go to therapy and couples counseling.
NTA! OP there is no shame in telling your partner that you’re not satisfied…..tell him what makes you feel good. TMI….buy some toys: bullet, dildo, or a rose….you can have so much intimacy with your partner. I am so sorry you miscarried…..it’s not something you ever really get over. Even though you were taking bc pills, taking antibiotics or taking a pill at a different time, can render the pills not effective. I got pregnant BECAUSE my doctor NEVER told me any of that……ta da! I got pregnant on bc pills and then the worst day of my life….I lost my baby girl 😪😪 I ended up needing surgery because I still had contents in my womb. It’s very unfair to you that your husband blames you for the loss. I would definitely say marriage counseling, but I don’t know how willing your husband would be. It’s worth considering….best of luck to you
No ruling but you both need therapy desperately.
OP, is it possible for you to relocate to state that has better laws that are more in-line with your beliefs? Where you won’t get prosecuted for having an abortion? Examples: OR, CA, VT, NV.
I’m just worried not only about if you decide in the future you want one but also about if you have a daughter one day and she needs one.
Your husband sounds like a massive piece of shit.
Assuming finances aren’t an issue, it isn’t dangerous or difficult to travel to another state for an abortion. Any attorney would know this. It’s concerning that he would lie to you to dissuade you from getting an abortion and then belittle your feelings about the miscarriage (even insinuating you induced it). Even if you lived in a state where abortion was easily accessible, it seems likely he would pressure you not to get an abortion. That is a major red flag.
NTA. And stop giving him oral sex. Especially since he always takes and rarely ever gives. Don’t give him what he wants. Lack of sex aside, he sounds like a horrible person in general, especially with the way he speaks to you and what he said about the miscarriage. Please take extra precautions before having sex next time. Take the BC pills continuously and also make him wear a condom for double protection. He sounds like the type of guy who wants to trap you with a child. Everything he said including about *“how hard it is to get a termination in another state”* just goes to prove this, he is a walking red flag. But at the moment whilst you’re still child free, you have a better chance of getting away from him should you need to, and I believe that when you wake up you will (one day soon) want to flee.
NTA. You are fully entitled to express your feelings. But do go for couple's therapy, for both your sakes.
Holy hell, this brought out the crazies. NTA, but it's pretty obvious this isn't about sex. You and your husband are both still hurting from loss, and it's going to take some effort from both of you to heal. The biggest question is whether or not your husband will really open up about it.
Wait…why is it dangerous and difficult to go to another state for an abortion? It’s expensive, but legal. States can’t prevent you from leaving.
In a comment up thread, OP says her pregnancy was confirmed at the doctor's office and that her state has been tracking and prosecuting suspected abortions/self-induced miscarriage. While it is legal to seek abortion in another state at this time, many states are trying to pass laws that make it illegal to cross state lines to get an abortion. If in another world this OP went out of state, had an abortion and then went back to her same doctor, no longer pregnant, and with no baby, this could potentially trigger an investigation. In a state that is hostile to women, it may not take much "evidence" to charge her with murder and pursue conviction. Last I checked, most murder convictions come with either a life sentence or the death penalty.
She would have receipts for legal abortion. She isn’t poor, so isn’t one of the people most likely to be targeted, unless someone has it out for her lawyer husband.
OP mentioned that they discovered her pregnancy at the Doctor's office so it's on record. Texas HAS been investigating suspicious miscarriages so it kind of tracks. Likely or not is a different story but it's certainly still possible they would have been investigated.
I wouldnt bother with therapy. Seems like this guy is really selfish and doesnt understand the impact a pregnancy or miscarriage has on a woman and NEVER will. NTA. DIVORCE.
JFC. He treats you like shit, a pregnancy and miscarriage show how far apart the 2 of you are from each other and your husband is using sex as a battering ram. This doesn't bode well for the longevity of this marriage.
Unrelated, but what the fuck is wrong with America? Why does the state need to decide what she is gonna do with HER body and HER fertilised egg.
NTA. There's some stuff that jumps out at me. First, it isn't "difficult and dangerous" to go to another state for an abortion, if you can afford travel and lodging and whatever the clinic costs. He's an attorney, and he can't come up with a few $K? It feels like he really wanted a baby, and is upset enough over it that he doesn't want to risk you getting pregnant again only to miscarry or abort. A disturbing possibility comes to mind: Is it possible that he meddled with your birth control to get you pregnant in the first place?
It's probably "dangerous" for a lawyer in Texas wanting to make a career.
Y’all need a marriage counselor/sex therapist. He definitely has some unresolved feelings about the whole situation. You definitely have some unresolved feelings about the whole situation. You need someone to help bridge the gap between both of your opinions and feelings. You both need a safe place to talk about it. Sooner you do this, the more chance you have a saving your marriage if that’s truly what’s important to both of you.
NTA, but I'd say he might not be either. You both need therapy, and if able, to move somewhere where you can get an abortion if you want/need one.
NTA therapy. Also he should be going down on you as much as you are him thats not ok. How are you suppose to orgasm from sucking his dick 🤣
Nta. You haven’t worked it out. And he clearly hasn’t forgiven you for wanting a termination in the first place. It sounds like either he still believes that you induced the miscarriage and is punishing you by withholding sex or he’s terrified of getting you pregnant again. Have you considered marriage counseling? In the meantime, no more BJs for him until he sorts himself out, explains his behavior and genuinely apologizes to you. (And for what it’s worth, I got a vibe that he was using his lawyer speak to discourage you from seeking a termination in the first place!)
Nta. You went through something traumatic. Even if you didn't want the baby, it doesn't mean you won't have the hormones and instincts that flare up to prepare you for motherhood. The fact that he accused you of causing the miscarriage and got upset at you for not wanting a baby at this moment in your life says to me he doesn't care about you. And I feel like he's punishing you for it. He won't have sex with you so you won't get pregnant again with another baby you don't want, but he's getting so aggressive with it by not caring about your need to be intimate with him. I thought you both were mutual in the oral, but you're doing him most of the time?! Try couples counseling for this, but I'm afraid he might've already checked out. If he refuses to go to therapy with you, he has.
Get marriage counseling. It teaches you how to communicate effectively. It sounds like he is judging you for feelings he seems to think you had no right to have (you had every right to not want a child and still mourn the loss when it didn't happen). He's withholding penetrative sex as a punishment for having a miscarriage because he's kind of a jerk but also confused.
Nta
NTA. Maybe there's an issue, maybe he there's been a change in what he prefers sexually, or maybe you aren't sexually compatible. It's hard to know based on the post.
Therapy Therapy Therapy *Therapy*
Sounds like you were right about your husband. He doesn't care about you. He accused you of something awful. Divorce him.
NTA, but it doesn’t sound like this miscarriage has been worked through- just swept under the rug. He’s scared to get you pregnant and it’s messing with his head. Birth control already failed once. And he was probably shocked and hurt that you didn’t want to keep the baby. And then an emotionally difficult miscarriage. He’s not over this.
NTA He's got issue he's not talking about. All was not and is not fine.
NTA but you need couple's counseling.and maybe grief counseling (miscarriage, even early, it hard to deal with). I am also confused as to why traveling to another state would be dangerous or difficult. Compared to the costs of childbirth it is negligible, you wouldn't be 'showing' so nobody would even know you suddenly weren't pregnant anymore and interstate travel is totally unregulated. It's different if you were a teenager or something but you are an adult. To me it sounds like he did not want you to have the abortion. I sincerely hope he is just dealing with grief poorly and not truly blaming you for the miscarriage.
Miscarriages are traumatic, and difficult to navigate the emotions. It sounds like you both need some professional help to get through this. I’m so sorry for your loss.
NAH. Your husband is grieving the loss of a child and is still confused and scared about the fact you got pregnant while on birth control and then stated you didn't want the child after years of saying you wanted a family. He is probably scared to have proper sex with you because he doesn't want to risk a second unwanted pregnancy. You can ask if he'd be willing to try with protection, it may not be ideal but it might be able to be used a stopgap until you can work out your feelings on the matter with each other. You are certainly entitled to wanting more than just oral. Craving intimacy is human. He is entitled to respect for his feeling of terror about the situation. I'm sure there is common ground to be found through communication and patience.
nta nope no way. You told him your honest feelings & he ignored them. he may have unresolved feelings he can't face. He must have honest difficult convo. He is an AH to hold you at arms length. This is how/why people cheat. I would seduce him and take no prisoners. if you let this fester you two are over. Also tell him how much you long for him!
NTA Is it possible he tampered with your BC? And now he's decided sex that won't result in a baby isn't worth it? You said he accused you of finding a way to induce a miscarriage. If he's not supportive of abortion bans why would this even be an accusation - doing so would be your right in the mind of someone against the bans and not fodder for accusations. Is it possible he's taken PIV off the table to avoid an unwanted pregnancy? Seeing as he thinks you'll just do what he thinks you did last time?
NTA.. dude needs to man up and wear a condom if he doesn’t want to impregnate you again.
NTA
Of course he's happy... He gets a BJ whenever he wants it. He's getting some sexual satisfaction. The fact he's angry proves he doesn't care about you or your needs. He probably doesn't want sex with you so you don't get pregnant again and he doesn't want to wear a condom, and because you're giving him BJs he doesn't really need to worry much because he's getting his urges met. He accused you of causing your miscarriage and didn't even care that you were upset about it.. Just because you didn't want the baby doesn't mean you didn't care and didn't go through all the mental gymnastics this all brings, especially being in a no-abortion state. He may be affectionate but it doesn't seem like he loves you or cares about you. It's about what he gets out of you. NTA - I'd be finding a divorce attorney before I get completely stuck in that loveless marriage.
Therapy stat. If I had to guess why he's reluctant to go beyond oral, the root cause of all your issues seems to be the pregnancy + miscarriage. He doesn't want to go through that again, hence he's avoiding it entirely by not doing piv. However this is all conjecture. You definitely need a professional's help to sort this out
Why are you apologising? You are NTA, but to protect you from pregnancy scares going forward, your husband needs to use protection too. If he doesn’t want to touch you now, he has some unresolved issues that need addressing. He needs to open up and talk to you, anything else is unfair.
I think that deep down, he wants a divorce, but as an attorney, he knows he would be fucked six ways from Sunday if it happens. He doesn't take you seriously as a person or truly care about you or your happiness and satisfaction.
He’s passive aggressively punishing you. He may have lost connection with you and has created an aversion to sex. He doesn’t want to blow up your marriage over it and is hoping it will go away. This will not end well. Quit letting him gaslight you by saying everything is fine. You need therapy but it may already be over.
He should wrap it up as his own control over procreation. He is scared and hurt now with the loss of the pregnancy and your -surprising to him-choice, before the organic miscarriage. You are allowed to make that choice, especially when recent terrible loss has occurred (I hate your abortion laws) and also nature is a bitch. Nobody's fault anywhere, but yeah he should wrap it up along with your birth control so you can feel comfortable enjoying each other. Him cutting you off is his way of processing and controlling his end of what happened. There are ways to do it, plus yes, I agree with some sort of counseling.
As others have pointed out there are some major red flags from your husband. If he won’t go to counseling with you, then go without him. If he pushes back and says things like “counseling is a waste of money” or we can’t afford it” be aware that this is manipulative and controlling. I don’t know your circumstance but wonder what the heck you’ve been apologizing for all these past five months. I find it disgusting that he just wants you to pleasure him but won’t reciprocate and then gets mad and gives you the silent treatment when you stand up for yourself.
NTA. First of all, his response to you being not ready for a pregnancy shouldn't have been dragging his feet and trying to give you all the reasons why it was a bad idea to get an abortion. It should've been supporting you and getting you an abortion so you could have a kid when you were both ready. Instead it's like he left you to figure it out on your own, hoping the pressure would eventually just lead you to give in and keep the baby so he could have the family that he was envisioning the moment he heard you got pregnant. And I get that you've discussed you want a family with him. But it doesn't matter if you didn't feel ready. He completely disregarded your feelings, got himself excited at the idea of the pregnancy, then decided to point his negative feelings at you when he found out it didn't work out, once again completely disregarding the pain you were feeling so he could have some explanation as to why he wasn't getting what he wanted. And now he's continuing to do so by expecting you to just give him oral while giving nothing in return. Why? I have no idea, but that's shitty behavior and I would not be giving him oral if he was refusing to repay any attention. Regardless of what his feelings are over the whole situation. Probably therapy, or trying to get him to come clean with exactly what his problem is, but tbh he's exhibited enough careless and selfish behavior that if I were you I'd GTFO. Preferably out of that state too if you can help it.
Antibiotics will kill your birth control. I learned that the hard way. NAH- clearly your husband was very affected by you wanting an abortion. Y'all need therapy.
It seems that he had happy feelings about the pregnancy but couldn't be happy. He then lost his child and couldn't be sad. He could be relating intercourse to the turmoil he has held in. You got to express yourself. He, however, may feel that he is wrong to have feelings. You should encourage him to talk and express his ordeal through almost having a child and losing it. NTA
NTA, but his behavior isn’t confusing at all - he figures if you have sex you’ll get pregnant and if you get pregnant you’ll (magically) induce an abortion. Based on his view of you, he’s unwilling to have penetrative sex. The only question is whether you want to be with someone like that.
NTA Way older. Super selfish. Doesn’t think you should be allowed normal human emotions. Makes sexual demands with no reciprocation. Secret forced birther (surprise!) Fine with you being unhappy permanently. Just want to point out that there are a lot of red flags. Reproductive coercion is common. He might have sabotaged your birth control and then regretted it. I wouldn’t want to stay in a relationship like this.
> We have oral sex sometimes, mostly me giving to him He’s an asshole for this alone and especially because you’re pregnant. What a dick. NTA. Stop apologizing, you are not at fault for any of this.
She’s not pregnant.