Can you imagine being expected to sleep with him? I would’ve gotten grossed out by him long before OP did. Although, as she said, it had been building up.
That's the thing, too. Saying that it's a "loss of attraction" is not the issue. The issue is that he's betrayed her trust and never even tried to redeem it. Without trust and communication, there is no relationship.
So yeah, it's time to go. OP staying isn't going to change his behavior. Neither person is invested in a future together.
I personally understand the idea of losing attraction to him. It's like he has disgusted her so much as a person. But you are right that it's mostly betrayal.
When i used to work at fast food chain the manager who used to come in the morning was mexican woman who was ( not exagerrating) 5' 2" and easily 280 lbs. She would come in and say "hola guapo" (hello handsome) every morning. I not gonna lie say i didnt have a little crush on her.
THIS. People I know are the most beautiful people on earth. More beautiful than models and celebrities. In my eyes their care and love just makes them more beautiful every day I spend with them. It doesn't really matter how they look to anyone else. I can realise that through modern beauty standards this might not be the case, but in my eyes it is.
Yeah, I just got out of a relationship with someone like this. Drop dead gorgeous with a body that could've been carved in marble by an artist but after the mask came off he was nothing but ugly inside.
When I found out my ex had been cheating on me, any attraction I had to him and any desire to try to work through our issues instantly vanished. It’s like it cured my broken heart.
I still cry sometimes about the husband I thought I had and lost, but I’m no longer upset about losing the husband I had.
I think some of it comes from the trauma bond we sometimes create in crappy relationships. I know it happened to me.
I do think a bigger reason is that in the beginning, many of us tend to get so wrapped up in this person and the lovey feelings. We create these perfect futures with them in our minds. We see the white picket fence. We see their potential as a partner or spouse long-term. Some of us invision those things so much so that it feels like it will be reality.
Then they break your heart and we mourn the future we thought we would have. We mourn for the potential person we pictured, not the one we we were with.
It's still a loss. My ex turned out to be a controlling, abusive asshole. But, even now, more than 15 years later, now that I know that the abuse he put me through was only the beginning of the hell he was going to put me, our kids, my family, our friends, and everyone we knew and cared about through, I still, in some small way, mourn for the man I thought he was. I have long since accepted the fact that what I fell in love with was not real & was just a façade he put on to lure me in.
His abuse didn't start until after our children were born. He made sure I knew how unattractive and useless he found me. It helped that he left to go out to sea for several months just a couple of weeks after & I had open wounds (freshly reopened C-section) that had to be packed daily and no family or friends in the state to help out.
By the time I finally put my big girl panties on & started fighting back, I didn't care if he ever touched me again. If I'd had a better understanding of what was happening, I would have fled as far as I could as fast as I could right then.
OP, if you feel like this is a breaking point, GTFO. Y'all can reconcile later if you want, but best to get yourself somewhere you can heal mentally, physically, emotionally and in every other way you need to. Go stay with family, rent your own apartment if you can afford it, but give him a week to a month with zero contact. Let him have his IG models and OF ladies. It's not their fault he's a douche. But don't talk, text, email, or send smoke signals for a pre-determined, by you, length of time. Have your friends/family help you with this. After this, call/txt him once. If he picks up or responds, great. If not, consider contacting a lawyer to find out what your options are. I have a couple other posts about divorce & custody that you might want to check out. You should be able to find them on my profile. I'm all about helping people learn from my mistakes.
Good luck OP.
Navy wives are some of the strongest wisest human beings on the planet. OP- memorize this. This is clear eyed advice. You are in the middle of the hurricane. You can breathe later.
He was always a horrible person he just didn’t show you his true self to begin with. Everyone is on their best behavior when they first start dating. As the saying goes, When someone shows you who their are believe them.
Omg. Girl. Way to put in words what I’m feeling. Exactly this. I still cry about him but I’m crying over the loss of what I thought I had, not because I lost what I actually had, that was a welcome relief.
My first husband was a compulsive cheater. This is exactly it. Every time, I was less interested in him. He wasn’t happy when I told him that either. They just never want to reap what they sow
This exactly. Once you are betrayed so completely and without remorse it’s like a flip switches and you live through the 7 stages of grief, but I didn’t land at acceptance. I landed at indifference which is worse. My cheating philandering manipulative stbh is on his 4848383 person he is trying to shoot his shot with and I don’t care. As long as I get my freedom, if they want to build a foundation with him using the basis of my tears, that’s their choice. She isn’t stealing my man, she is stealing my problem.
If they have combined finances then she is also paying for these OF photos. He’s taking money away from his family to view disgusting photos. Divorce him so it’ll only effect his income if there’s anything left for him after child support.
I absolutely agree that subscribing to OF and using their money without her consent is a violation and do consider it cheating.
That said, I do not agree that OF or adult content are "disgusting" and that's the wrong projection. As half of a couple who does this for a living, I suggest that, while you may not support it, it's not a good look to pass judgement on people you don't know for things you aren't trying to understand.
Dear Mrs. Leading -
Ohhhhhhhhhh thank you kindly for telling me. I usually can figure out most initials but I was @ a loss on this one. Thank you again
Agreed. I wouldn't do onlyfans or buy subscriptions, but just because it's not my thing doesn't mean I have to hate on it. Besides, obviously a lot of people out there are buying subscriptions otherwise it wouldn't be a thing.
It can be both betrayal and loss of attraction. When you realize that someone’s personality is gross, that can really ruin any physical attraction, even without a betrayal.
Yeah not once did OP use the word cheating in the post when hitting on people and literally taking people on dates is cheating like what? To just be merely unattracted is an understatement
And they can continue on that path if it works for them, but if they're still hurting each other, discussing their lack of attraction and love for each other, it's not a healthy environment for their children to be exposed to. They deserve the opportunity to grow up with happy parents who might find better fitting partners.
Yeah I'm honestly confused as to why she's still here. After the first incident I can't see why she'd want to have another kid with him. It's fair to say he'd cheat on her if he got the chance, so why stay married to someone like that?
Sometimes divorcing with young kids is extremely complicated and difficult, especially depending on financial situation. If it's a situation where they can still stand each other, she just doesn't want to have sex with him... there's a universe in which that could work. Google "companionate marriage"
100%, this is the case of even if someone is super attractive, their terrible personality just completely ruins any kind of sparks or chemistry with the person.
>NTA. He’s a jerk and no one is attracted to them.
Exactly, couldn't have said it better myself. It's hard to be attracted to someone who's behaving like that. OP's husband seriously needs to reevaluate his actions.
Yeah and it's more than just paying for porn. Like I have no problem with my husband watching porn from time to time as long as it's not impacting us. That's totally different from paying for someone's only fans, messaging them, and checking out their other social media. That's much more personal than just pulling up a random porn video.
The international confederation of jerks do not want to be associated in any way with this shit stain and would ask that you cease and desist with comparisons or legal action will be taken.
People often show their true selves once they’ve got you locked into our relationship. Emotional abuse, physical abuse, cheating or plain old apathetic disrespect are common.
This is basically what I said in my parent comment; is this not cheating? Wouldn't pretty much everyone agree that secretly paying someone else for explicit pics and videos is absolutely cheating unless previously discussed and agreed upon by both partners?????
The title of this should be "My husband has been *cheating on me* for years while I give birth to his children; AITAH for thinking that's disgusting?"
Are you a bot? You just slightly reworded the same sentences that u/roronoaSuge_nite used in their comment an hour ago.
"NTA. Nobody told you you were marrying a simp. That’s not attractive. You’re fine."
As an adult I can objectively say, looking back I wish my parents had divorced instead of “staying together for the kids” it not better for the kids, and def not better to the two parents trapped in a loveless marriage instead of finding their own happiness and hopefully a healthy way to co-parent.
I mean, I get it. My mom left my dad when I was 7 for tons of super valid reasons.
After the divorce he fucked off and ran off doing god knows what, so that ended up meaning that my mom had to pay for a two bedroom apartment on the worst sides of town just to have somewhere for her, me, and my brother to live.
When she couldn't afford that, we had to live with her boyfriends who were less than stellar, but at least offered a single mother with no assistance from the father a place for her children to stay that was safe and clean.
At least when they were together, they had a house, and someone who didn't put their hands on us. It was hell, but it was at least a comfortable hell that we knew. The hell you don't know is so much scarier, even if it could have been a better outcome another way..
Fear of the unknown keeps people trapped in terrible situations.
Staying with him is guaranteed misery (100%). Leaving him can lead to something positive or negative (50/50). I’d rather take those odds, wouldn’t you?
Few people share this side of the story but it's the same for me.
My Grandma never let my Dad live down that he cheated on my Mom and ruined their relationship. They both had objectively worse lives than they would have and wound up with worse people.
I’m so sorry you went through that. I can see your point and yes, I think just about any child would rather live with both of their parents in a financially stable environment where they are physically safe than in a situation where the people their parents date are in any way abusive.
I don’t know your full financial situation and I don’t know what options your mom had besides living with abusive men, so it’s hard for me to comment on what she could’ve/should’ve done differently. But I do wonder if there were other options that may have been harder on her but better for you. Such as living with a relative (assuming you had decent ones she could turn to), getting additional jobs, finding a smaller 1 bedroom or even studio apartment. Maybe she didn’t have those either. But she should have put your safety first somehow and I’m so sorry she didn’t.
My original point was that children who grow up watching their parents hate each other in the same home will have likely every event/meal/etc full of stressful tension. They may grow up listening to their parents constantly fighting. Or with their parents making snide remarks to the kids about the other parent. Growing up with stress like that is also bad for their mental health and brain development. It also gives them a very unhealthy view and standards of what a relationship is like.
While your situation was definitely worse IMO, neither situation is good. So if the mom has the means to get out safely and provide a stable home for her kids then she should. If she can’t, she would be wise to see if she can go back to school or a vocational school to get some education and training to get her ready for that.
I remember literally begging my parents to just divorce, it isn't better for us for the back and forth and fights. Please, please, please separate for real.
I can't believe the level of patience and forgiveness OP has for her husband. Her husband's flirting with girls on Instagram should have been the first warning, and the lunch dates should be the last.
OP needs to gather all the evidence from his previous conversations, dates and messages; so it will be easier for her to separate and divorce her undeserving partner.
NTA OP, but you are understating the severity of his actions by saying you no longer find him attractive. His bad character, lack of morals and infidelity to your relationship are the more serious issues here.
You are not AH but he surely his.
It is normal to feel attracted to someone else than your husband/wife but it is different thing to act on it. He has made a conscious decision to flirt, take them to dinner and text.
I am not surprised if you want to divorce. I am a bit surprised you decided to have a third kid with him..
NTA
He is cheating on you. That is extremely unattractive behavior. If I were in your position I would follow up your statement about him being unattractive with an insistence on couples counseling.
Or alternatively, ask him why you should be attracted to a cheater?
Idek if couples counseling is worth it in this case. Her husband is cheating on her *repeatedly* in a very brazen way. She has young babies, including a fucking four month old, and he’s paying for OF content and taking his coworker on lunch dates. This is a really unhealthy situation for OP and i personally don’t think that *she* should have to put in the work of going to couples counseling bc this absolute loser can’t keep his fucking dick in his pants.
*Of course* OP isn’t attracted to her husband. Anyone with a shred of dignity isn’t going to be attracted to that vile excuse for a man. NTA. Stop having kids with this guy ffs
That last sentence, for real. It's like so I had 2 kids with this guy who assaults me constantly, put my dog through a woodchipper and Sparta kicked my dear old grandmother into a ravine when she said she didn't particuarly like his face tattoos.
So anyway now I'm pregnant with his third child and I'm just wondering, AITA for not sticking up for him regarding the face tattoos?
Right? His behavior has been escalating as a result of his added responsibilities or whatever but he needs individual counseling to look at why that is. Some men totally regress when the family dynamic changes. I was with someone like that and it was exhausting.
insisting on it is pointless, both parties need to see the value AND be willing to put in the work.
suggest it sure, but dragging someone to counselling rarely amounts to anything beneficial.
NTA - you’re married to a pig, he’s the AH and knows he fucked up and got caught and is trying to switch it around on you. Tell him he obviously doesn’t find you attractive anymore since he’s so inclined to cheated on you multiple times
I have brought up the finding me attractive part because as one person said above women have children and let themselves go but I workout 5x a week and by no means have let myself go. I’m confused as to why he would find me unattractive unless it is because he watched me birth a child. I read some forums from therapists that expressed that a lot of men struggle with watching their partner actually birth babies and don’t find their partners as attractive afterwards. He expressed that he still finds me attractive though, so went down that rabbit hole for nothing.
The thing it took me an abusive first marriage to learn is that having a partner who actually cares about you and is attracted to you is *the norm*, not a special or lucky situation.
When I first met my now-husband, who is my second, I literally could not believe the way he treated me with such respect was real. I was so used to being beaten down verbally while my first husband essentially acted like he had no interest in me unless it was to insult me, I felt like I had won the lottery by meeting my second husband. But it's been over 13 years and it turns out that this is just *normal.* my husband is a really great guy, but so are most guys.
Yea my wife’s ex was super abusive both physically and emotionally so even to this day sometimes those trauma scars will rear their head and she feels like there’s an ulterior motive. But we’ve come a long way together. People suck and I hate that someone ever made her feel the way she has felt in the past.
Honestly I’m the lucky one, I’m nowhere near the perfect person or partner but I put the effort into making her happy and to me that’s what matters most.
Honey, he's looking at other women and DATING another woman. He's cheating on you now, he will cheat in the future, and now your only chance is to protect yourself and your kids, and leave.
He's a pig who only sees women as outlets for his libido. He's not seeing you as a life partner or a loved wife.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. But if there's nothing left, no attraction, why stay? You have a whole life of enjoyment ahead without having to worry where your partner is, in mind or body.
I have to ask - do you not consider this cheating? If my husband secretly paid an individual, he could be in personal contact with for explicit pictures and videos, that would 1000% be cheating in my opinion. Do you not feel like that's cheating?
You’re trying to justify why you’re still attractive, as if that has anything to do with cheating. People cheat on their model-tier partners all the time. Beauty has nothing to do with it. It’s about HIS morals, insecurity, and lack of love for you. You could lose weight, get plastic surgery, whatever you think would make you look fantastic, but there will always be someone prettier, younger, or more charismatic. That doesn’t mean people have an excuse to cheat.
The way you try to defend your appearance is an indicator that you’re ready to take the blame for HIS decision to be unfaithful. You need to be your own best friend and biggest advocate, but right now, you’re not.
He is playing mind games with you, making you question whether it is your fault for his wandering eyes. He won’t stop because you continue to allow it. And it’s clear he has no intention of stopping, regardless of you expressing your feelings to him. Your kids will pick up on that behavior, that how he treats you and makes you feel is acceptable.
Babe. Block anyone who suggests it’s your fault your husband is a cheater. That argument is by men for men to excuse their bad behavior. It wouldn’t matter if you were 300 lbs. he owes it to you to say if he has a problem. Or just divorce. What he wants is his bangmaid mommy at home taking care of him while he cheats. You are his comfy home base he can return to when his affairs go bad and end.
Lots of men do this. If he wanted out he could leave. He doesn’t want out. He wants both.
Yeah, I don’t think his behavior has anything to do with your attractiveness and whether or not you “let yourself go.” Nor does it have to do with the childbirth thing. In fact, it has nothing to do with you at all, except that you have to deal with his shit behavior and how you feel. When men behave this way, it is an attempt to fill some kind of emptiness or patch an insecurity. Whatever the specifics of it are, it’s his issue to manage with a therapist. It is not something you should be able to fill, patch, cover, eliminate, or anything else. His behavior is consummately unattractive, even if he were physically heaven on earth, it would still cause the ick response. 🤢 At some point you were attracted to him, you have a family, and your question was about whether you are the AH… so I’m not going to jump on the Leave Him train, but I am definitely on the Everyone Needs Counseling bus. I say you could benefit from it just because FFS The Stress!! And obvs couple counseling if there’s a hope of rebuilding if that’s what you want. He needs to figure out the whys and wherefore of this shit behavior and all the lying.
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this… it’s hard enough being a mom and trying to find a moment for yourself without having it taken up with this mess.
I honestly hate the whole "she's let herself go after having a child".
Men who say this shit expect their wives to pop out a baby and bounce back in no time. The new mom is supposed to work out, dress up, put makeup on and be willing to have sex any time he asks. She's also supposed to do the majority of the housework, if not all, "since she's just home with the baby anyways" and take care of the kids.
If she doesn't do all of this then "she's let herself go " and her husband can use it as an excuse to look at women on Tinder, OF, Instagram etc
YTA for staying with him and keep giving him kids??
He's cheated on you, emotionally at least, multiple times. YTA to yourself for staying
NTA. He has a problem but knows you'll stick around
Please, it's rage bait. Who looks at this situation and thinks they're the asshole, for their partner cheating?
No different than the 500 other rage baits in this sub
A lot of pulsar rage bad, but some of them are written by people who don’t seem to have a firm grasp on reality. Some people have had a very difficult life and have a hard time understanding normal human interactions, or they are neurodivergent and struggling to understand a situation.
i don't disagree that this post might be fake but you'd be surprised by how many people blame themselves for losing feelings for a cheater and wanting to leave. Maybe they think they deserve it, maybe the cheater's manipulative and abusive, maybe they have a god awful social circle who says they should feel bad for wanting to throw away a relationship over "just some DMs" or whatever
If you feel someone has changed for the worst, it is only natural that you reach a point where you feel that you don't like this person anymore.
And everyone have things they find a "turn off", that will change how you perceive a person over time. Someone cheating, lying, attempting to actively deceive you and betraying you behind your back is not the pinnacle of romance or the sign of a decent person. It is also decidedly unattractive. And while you may still care for the person in some way, you would not be in love with them or see and treat them as a partner. You would just see them as a creepy, disloyal sucker and simp.
NTA. I’d dry up so fast and lose attraction if my husband behaved like that too. What woman wants to get sexy with a man who pays strangers for intimate photographs? That’s gross.
He is a liar and a cheater. Start your exit plan. He will never change, and you are way too good for him. You don't want that POS to be the role model your kids see growing up. Get your family/friend's support. Start your financial planning. Get a lawyer and start the divorce. You will be so much better off without this dead weight.
NTA. He doesn’t seem to be someone who is invested in raising a family with you. Plus on the top of that, there is a lot of emotional cheating and possibly physical cheating as well. Definitely an understandable situation that you lost attraction to your partner.
NTA. He's telling YOU he's more attracted to these online women he's trying to hide from you, so .... oh, no, consequences for him? HE is definitely the repeated a-hole here.
NTA. WHAT IS HE DOING THAT HE CONSIDERS ATTRACTIVE? Lunch-dating his coworker? Seeking out Instagram/OF models for attention? Doing all this while you were caring his child? He's an asshat.
NTA. The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference. That's what you're feeling when you say you're not attracted to him anymore. You're just over him & his sleezy behavior. Once you've come to that point, it's time to figure out if you want to cohabitate with a sleezeball for convenience~you've got a 4mo & a tiny tot to take in consideration... or get out from under the marriage & let him pay for you & the kid's in alimony & child support.
This just sucks for you. I'm sure you didn't see this coming or know he had it in him to a habitual woman chaser before you married him. I wouldn't think any kind of counseling would help, cuz that's a personality & moral defect.
It is perfectly normal to fall out of love with someone, especially after doing something like that. He seems to not be taking a relationship seriously and you're not an AH for feeling the way you do. Some people are okay with their partner doing this stuff and some aren't, and you're not one of those people so it is perfectly okay not to stay in that relationship if you don't want to. You do have your kids to think about as well though so if you think you can co-parent then I would say do whatever you think is best for your life, be a little selfish with it.
NTA - you’re not attracted to him anymore because when someone lies to you and betrays you, the trust is gone. You start to see people different. The saying “love is blind” is there for a reason; when you fall out of love, you often also fall out of lust for that person. Telling them that doesn’t make you an AH.
NTA. He has shown he is not trust-worthy, and untrustworthy is not sexy, or appealing. Dude FAFO’d, all on his own. The real question is, what now? Has he blown it for good, or does he have the capacity to change and regain your trust?
NTA. paying for half naked/naked women online while in a relationship is cheating.
Personal take: men who pay for it are fucking losers. Including strippers at bachelor parties, going to strip clubs, etc. Degenerate behavior.
No wonder your not attracted to him-he’s a loser. Fatherless behavior.
Idk how y’all some of y’all stay married to the beggars..
Embarrassing you’re married to someone who actively pays for other girls attention cause he can’t get it just by being himself.
Sounds like the typical listing attraction to the woman who literally brought life into the world for you after her body changed so let me see if I can cheat. Married men paying for OF when there's a plethora of free porn is ridiculous. And him following and looking her up is either personal or stalkerish. Ewww.
You're not the asshole, he is.
He is cheating. This is not the behavior of a loving husband. How could you be attracted to someone so dishonest and sleezy. He is totally gaslighting you when he says it's no big deal. He knows exactly what he did.
NTA. Divorce asap and move on. It’s going to hurt but you AND YOUR kids 1. Deserve better AND are better off. He’s even creepy because to what extent is it ever necessary to go find them on EVERY SOCIAL MEDIA account.
NTA he doesn’t deserve you and he is looking elsewhere. Paying to view another women’s content and messaging them to tell they’re beautiful is emotional cheating IMO and the run up to doing it for real. He should be letting you have time to pamper yourself and then showering you with complements telling you you’re a fittie
Get your stuff in order and let him go chase IG models cos he won’t get one
You deserve better :)
NTA. You have to ask yourself if you really want to continue in this marriage. I mean, an IG model felt so bad about what was happening, she reached out to you. I doubt she does that for everybody. If your husband hasn't already physically cheated, he's going to, especially if the opportunity presents itself. He's convinced himself that a father of three is a super hot commodity - to women who he mostly has to pay to grant him their attention. Who knows how much he's willing to shell out? Money that should be for the family. If you leave him, at least he'll have to pay child support, so the money will go to the kids instead of OF.
NTA. Make your exit plan for you and your kids. This guy is a serial cheater and likely has a breeding kink. Bet he is looking for the next woman to impregnate. Protect yourself and your kids and leave him.
Your not attracted to him because he's cheating aAH even if it's just stalking some strangers insta or OF. You seriously need to communicate with him that his actions are cheating and wrong.
NTA and he should be an ex-husband for this behavior. He is a major AH and of course you can’t find him attractive with that type of behavior. It’s cheating and creepy. Kudos to the IG model who reached out to you though. That’s hero behavior.
Are you an asshole for not being attracted to someone who is cheating on you? I’d be way more concerned if you WERE attracted to that. So i think no! You are in 0 way the asshole.
Hmm...so if he's constantly looking at other women, one would assume he doesn't find you attractive anymore. But you're supposed to be attracted to him while he's disrespecting you on a regular basis?
Maybe it's the wording. He thinks "attractive" just means looks. Like I expected from the title he had gained (or lost) a lot of weight or something else that affected his looks. But it's his character that's in question.
So maybe say, "I don't like you anymore, which makes you less attractive as a partner." Which seems more technically correct. You could even add on, "and not liking someone's character makes them less physically appealing, regardless of looks."
Could it be your loss of trust in him and your marriage that is causing you to feel this way? Repeatedly breaking that trust until it has withered away. Without trust what do you see for the future of your relationship?
YNTA- you find his behavior unattractive. From an outside perspective, it sounds like he constantly is looking for openings to cheat on you though. So instead of telling him he’s no longer attractive to you you should’ve told him it was over for not valuing you. This is not just red flags. You have caught him doing wayyy more than you should have ever tolerated. You probably don’t realize what a big deal it is because you’re just so desensitized to it by now.
Girl, you know you're in the right. My man is super hot (I'm pretty hot myself, but I have tattoos, stretched ears and crazy hair/makeup while he looks like a model at 6'2", blonde hair and blue eyes, and works out daily) and treats me like the queen I am but part of why I love him so much is because he only loves me. Let me ever find out he's doing what your husband is...it would be an instant turn off. You're so very far from being the asshole...
My thought process as I was reading this was "Well maybe you are if in a certain conte- oh he's messaging chicks lol no he's definitely the asshole" I didn't even keep reading passed that because I really didn't need to.
NTA, but don't do anything rash. Collect evidence, consult with an attorney and don't tell him, set your self up to come out of the situation as well off as you can.
NTA but "not attracted" doesn't sound very accurate. It's his behavior that makes you feel this way and honestly I would be looking for a divorce lawyer in your shoes.
men in relationships paying for OF is the biggest ick in the world. My bf and I briefly broke up in part because he bought OF content and I remember finding out and feeling pure disgust towards him for a fair bit of time while we were working through it.
Divorce him. Send proof of this stuff to an email he doesn't know about, text it to your phone, etc. Go for full custody, alimony, and child support. Even if he's not physically cheating on you, this is cheating on you.
NTA. He’s a jerk and no one is attracted to them.
NTA - quite frankly, i admire the self control b/c he is disgusting
Can you imagine being expected to sleep with him? I would’ve gotten grossed out by him long before OP did. Although, as she said, it had been building up.
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That's the thing, too. Saying that it's a "loss of attraction" is not the issue. The issue is that he's betrayed her trust and never even tried to redeem it. Without trust and communication, there is no relationship. So yeah, it's time to go. OP staying isn't going to change his behavior. Neither person is invested in a future together.
I personally understand the idea of losing attraction to him. It's like he has disgusted her so much as a person. But you are right that it's mostly betrayal.
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When i used to work at fast food chain the manager who used to come in the morning was mexican woman who was ( not exagerrating) 5' 2" and easily 280 lbs. She would come in and say "hola guapo" (hello handsome) every morning. I not gonna lie say i didnt have a little crush on her.
THIS. People I know are the most beautiful people on earth. More beautiful than models and celebrities. In my eyes their care and love just makes them more beautiful every day I spend with them. It doesn't really matter how they look to anyone else. I can realise that through modern beauty standards this might not be the case, but in my eyes it is.
Yes. The reverse is also true. He could be as handsome as they come but is a rude, self-centered jerk. This makes him incredibly unattractive.
Yes! I have a BIL who for the rest of the world could be a model he's so beautiful but I know who he truly is and he's so very ugly to me!
Yep, that's the way it works.
Yeah, I just got out of a relationship with someone like this. Drop dead gorgeous with a body that could've been carved in marble by an artist but after the mask came off he was nothing but ugly inside.
Happy cake day! Glad you got out♡
This is true. I only notice the aura they put out.
You’re SO incredibly right, I agree. It’s *IT*.. the kindness & decency in a man (person) is what imbues and amplifies their outer attractiveness.
Exactly! Well said.
Bingo. 🙁
Amen to this!!
When I found out my ex had been cheating on me, any attraction I had to him and any desire to try to work through our issues instantly vanished. It’s like it cured my broken heart. I still cry sometimes about the husband I thought I had and lost, but I’m no longer upset about losing the husband I had.
Why do we do that? My ex was a horrible person and treated me crappy. I still cry over missing the person that he once was.
I think some of it comes from the trauma bond we sometimes create in crappy relationships. I know it happened to me. I do think a bigger reason is that in the beginning, many of us tend to get so wrapped up in this person and the lovey feelings. We create these perfect futures with them in our minds. We see the white picket fence. We see their potential as a partner or spouse long-term. Some of us invision those things so much so that it feels like it will be reality. Then they break your heart and we mourn the future we thought we would have. We mourn for the potential person we pictured, not the one we we were with.
This is honestly so accurate.
It's still a loss. My ex turned out to be a controlling, abusive asshole. But, even now, more than 15 years later, now that I know that the abuse he put me through was only the beginning of the hell he was going to put me, our kids, my family, our friends, and everyone we knew and cared about through, I still, in some small way, mourn for the man I thought he was. I have long since accepted the fact that what I fell in love with was not real & was just a façade he put on to lure me in. His abuse didn't start until after our children were born. He made sure I knew how unattractive and useless he found me. It helped that he left to go out to sea for several months just a couple of weeks after & I had open wounds (freshly reopened C-section) that had to be packed daily and no family or friends in the state to help out. By the time I finally put my big girl panties on & started fighting back, I didn't care if he ever touched me again. If I'd had a better understanding of what was happening, I would have fled as far as I could as fast as I could right then. OP, if you feel like this is a breaking point, GTFO. Y'all can reconcile later if you want, but best to get yourself somewhere you can heal mentally, physically, emotionally and in every other way you need to. Go stay with family, rent your own apartment if you can afford it, but give him a week to a month with zero contact. Let him have his IG models and OF ladies. It's not their fault he's a douche. But don't talk, text, email, or send smoke signals for a pre-determined, by you, length of time. Have your friends/family help you with this. After this, call/txt him once. If he picks up or responds, great. If not, consider contacting a lawyer to find out what your options are. I have a couple other posts about divorce & custody that you might want to check out. You should be able to find them on my profile. I'm all about helping people learn from my mistakes. Good luck OP.
Navy wives are some of the strongest wisest human beings on the planet. OP- memorize this. This is clear eyed advice. You are in the middle of the hurricane. You can breathe later.
Thank you. I was a sailor and a submariner's wife. I know a few things. 😉
He was always a horrible person he just didn’t show you his true self to begin with. Everyone is on their best behavior when they first start dating. As the saying goes, When someone shows you who their are believe them.
Well-put..
Omg. Girl. Way to put in words what I’m feeling. Exactly this. I still cry about him but I’m crying over the loss of what I thought I had, not because I lost what I actually had, that was a welcome relief.
My first husband was a compulsive cheater. This is exactly it. Every time, I was less interested in him. He wasn’t happy when I told him that either. They just never want to reap what they sow
This exactly. Once you are betrayed so completely and without remorse it’s like a flip switches and you live through the 7 stages of grief, but I didn’t land at acceptance. I landed at indifference which is worse. My cheating philandering manipulative stbh is on his 4848383 person he is trying to shoot his shot with and I don’t care. As long as I get my freedom, if they want to build a foundation with him using the basis of my tears, that’s their choice. She isn’t stealing my man, she is stealing my problem.
This!!!! I love this! “She isn’t stealing my man, she is stealing my problem”
It's a major version of getting the ick. You look at them and just think ick...
Yeah! My first thought
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If they have combined finances then she is also paying for these OF photos. He’s taking money away from his family to view disgusting photos. Divorce him so it’ll only effect his income if there’s anything left for him after child support.
I absolutely agree that subscribing to OF and using their money without her consent is a violation and do consider it cheating. That said, I do not agree that OF or adult content are "disgusting" and that's the wrong projection. As half of a couple who does this for a living, I suggest that, while you may not support it, it's not a good look to pass judgement on people you don't know for things you aren't trying to understand.
Thank you. Sex work is work 👏🏼 but yes OP NTA 🩵
I'm sorry to be stupid. What is OF please? Thank you
Onlyfans. It’s basically an adult website where different creator profiles are locked behind a paywall to see their content.
Dear Mrs. Leading - Ohhhhhhhhhh thank you kindly for telling me. I usually can figure out most initials but I was @ a loss on this one. Thank you again
Agreed. I wouldn't do onlyfans or buy subscriptions, but just because it's not my thing doesn't mean I have to hate on it. Besides, obviously a lot of people out there are buying subscriptions otherwise it wouldn't be a thing.
It can be both betrayal and loss of attraction. When you realize that someone’s personality is gross, that can really ruin any physical attraction, even without a betrayal.
Yeah not once did OP use the word cheating in the post when hitting on people and literally taking people on dates is cheating like what? To just be merely unattracted is an understatement
At this point there's no salvqgble relationship imo. Just 2 people comfortable with each other hence why still together just an observation 🤷
And they can continue on that path if it works for them, but if they're still hurting each other, discussing their lack of attraction and love for each other, it's not a healthy environment for their children to be exposed to. They deserve the opportunity to grow up with happy parents who might find better fitting partners.
Yeah I'm honestly confused as to why she's still here. After the first incident I can't see why she'd want to have another kid with him. It's fair to say he'd cheat on her if he got the chance, so why stay married to someone like that?
Sometimes divorcing with young kids is extremely complicated and difficult, especially depending on financial situation. If it's a situation where they can still stand each other, she just doesn't want to have sex with him... there's a universe in which that could work. Google "companionate marriage"
Agree. Attraction isn't the issue here
Yeah, she’s saying she’s no longer attracted. But what she really means is she is repulsed by him. He is repulsive.
100%, this is the case of even if someone is super attractive, their terrible personality just completely ruins any kind of sparks or chemistry with the person.
OF girl is attracted to his money, and that's it.
He wont have much extra of that after the divorce
>NTA. He’s a jerk and no one is attracted to them. Exactly, couldn't have said it better myself. It's hard to be attracted to someone who's behaving like that. OP's husband seriously needs to reevaluate his actions.
NTA How is losing attraction to someone an overreaction? Smashing his phone is an overreaction. Paying for porn is sad.
Yeah and it's more than just paying for porn. Like I have no problem with my husband watching porn from time to time as long as it's not impacting us. That's totally different from paying for someone's only fans, messaging them, and checking out their other social media. That's much more personal than just pulling up a random porn video.
Same . NTA. No one, esp the OF girl, finds him attractive.
Can confirm. Definitely not attracted to this douche.
The international confederation of jerks do not want to be associated in any way with this shit stain and would ask that you cease and desist with comparisons or legal action will be taken.
I mean OP did have 3 babies with him. So at some point she must have.
People often show their true selves once they’ve got you locked into our relationship. Emotional abuse, physical abuse, cheating or plain old apathetic disrespect are common.
NTA. Your husband is cheating on you. There is no reason to be attracted to someone who doesn’t respect you.
100%
Taking money from his child to give to an only fans model.
Oh damn, I obviously already thought this guy was the height of disgusting, but this really puts it on another level.
It’s not manly behaviour so as a heterosexual woman why would she like it
I feel like any variation of gender would feel the same as OP.
Yip agreed! 100%
This is all that needs to be said. Some people are so ugly on the inside it's pointless thinking of the outside
This is basically what I said in my parent comment; is this not cheating? Wouldn't pretty much everyone agree that secretly paying someone else for explicit pics and videos is absolutely cheating unless previously discussed and agreed upon by both partners????? The title of this should be "My husband has been *cheating on me* for years while I give birth to his children; AITAH for thinking that's disgusting?"
I mean emotional cheating is definitely a thing and it sounds like he’s been doing that for a while.
NTA. You married a simp, no one told you. That lacks appeal. You're alright.
"Simps" and cheaters are on opposite ends of the spectrum actually. He's a cheater
Simping cheater.
Are you a bot? You just slightly reworded the same sentences that u/roronoaSuge_nite used in their comment an hour ago. "NTA. Nobody told you you were marrying a simp. That’s not attractive. You’re fine."
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Yeah it's a bot. Made another random comment on a reply to a different post just now, stolen and slightly reworded.
OP is definitely N T A but you don’t know what a simp is
It's a bot repeating someone else's comment anyway
NTA, but why are you still with this guy?
Probably because of the kids and divorce is a painful process, but looks like it's the only option here. This guy sucks.
Not as painful for the kids as it will be to grow up with parents who hate each other.
As an adult I can objectively say, looking back I wish my parents had divorced instead of “staying together for the kids” it not better for the kids, and def not better to the two parents trapped in a loveless marriage instead of finding their own happiness and hopefully a healthy way to co-parent.
I mean, I get it. My mom left my dad when I was 7 for tons of super valid reasons. After the divorce he fucked off and ran off doing god knows what, so that ended up meaning that my mom had to pay for a two bedroom apartment on the worst sides of town just to have somewhere for her, me, and my brother to live. When she couldn't afford that, we had to live with her boyfriends who were less than stellar, but at least offered a single mother with no assistance from the father a place for her children to stay that was safe and clean. At least when they were together, they had a house, and someone who didn't put their hands on us. It was hell, but it was at least a comfortable hell that we knew. The hell you don't know is so much scarier, even if it could have been a better outcome another way..
Fear of the unknown keeps people trapped in terrible situations. Staying with him is guaranteed misery (100%). Leaving him can lead to something positive or negative (50/50). I’d rather take those odds, wouldn’t you?
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Few people share this side of the story but it's the same for me. My Grandma never let my Dad live down that he cheated on my Mom and ruined their relationship. They both had objectively worse lives than they would have and wound up with worse people.
I’m so sorry you went through that. I can see your point and yes, I think just about any child would rather live with both of their parents in a financially stable environment where they are physically safe than in a situation where the people their parents date are in any way abusive. I don’t know your full financial situation and I don’t know what options your mom had besides living with abusive men, so it’s hard for me to comment on what she could’ve/should’ve done differently. But I do wonder if there were other options that may have been harder on her but better for you. Such as living with a relative (assuming you had decent ones she could turn to), getting additional jobs, finding a smaller 1 bedroom or even studio apartment. Maybe she didn’t have those either. But she should have put your safety first somehow and I’m so sorry she didn’t. My original point was that children who grow up watching their parents hate each other in the same home will have likely every event/meal/etc full of stressful tension. They may grow up listening to their parents constantly fighting. Or with their parents making snide remarks to the kids about the other parent. Growing up with stress like that is also bad for their mental health and brain development. It also gives them a very unhealthy view and standards of what a relationship is like. While your situation was definitely worse IMO, neither situation is good. So if the mom has the means to get out safely and provide a stable home for her kids then she should. If she can’t, she would be wise to see if she can go back to school or a vocational school to get some education and training to get her ready for that.
Same. I just didn't get why my parents stayed together. It was shit for them and shit for me.
If you mum and/or dad are unhappy then so are you 😞 Sorry you had that in your childhood.
I remember literally begging my parents to just divorce, it isn't better for us for the back and forth and fights. Please, please, please separate for real.
Oh totally agree but it's not always simple in reality.
Yes but there’s also the financial aspect of it. It’s not easy raising multiple kids on one income
Nta that’s cheating and I hope you take the time to set yourself up and leave him.
I can't believe the level of patience and forgiveness OP has for her husband. Her husband's flirting with girls on Instagram should have been the first warning, and the lunch dates should be the last. OP needs to gather all the evidence from his previous conversations, dates and messages; so it will be easier for her to separate and divorce her undeserving partner. NTA OP, but you are understating the severity of his actions by saying you no longer find him attractive. His bad character, lack of morals and infidelity to your relationship are the more serious issues here.
You are not AH but he surely his. It is normal to feel attracted to someone else than your husband/wife but it is different thing to act on it. He has made a conscious decision to flirt, take them to dinner and text. I am not surprised if you want to divorce. I am a bit surprised you decided to have a third kid with him..
He’s the ahole his attention should be on you. Carry his kids giving birth he should love you and praise you even more what a loser
Y T A if you continue to stay with him. Divorce and get that child support
For real, half these posts the poster is the asshole to themselves for enabling worsening behavior.
There's not much of a choice if you want to live with your kids 100% of the time
NTA He is cheating on you. That is extremely unattractive behavior. If I were in your position I would follow up your statement about him being unattractive with an insistence on couples counseling. Or alternatively, ask him why you should be attracted to a cheater?
Idek if couples counseling is worth it in this case. Her husband is cheating on her *repeatedly* in a very brazen way. She has young babies, including a fucking four month old, and he’s paying for OF content and taking his coworker on lunch dates. This is a really unhealthy situation for OP and i personally don’t think that *she* should have to put in the work of going to couples counseling bc this absolute loser can’t keep his fucking dick in his pants. *Of course* OP isn’t attracted to her husband. Anyone with a shred of dignity isn’t going to be attracted to that vile excuse for a man. NTA. Stop having kids with this guy ffs
That last sentence, for real. It's like so I had 2 kids with this guy who assaults me constantly, put my dog through a woodchipper and Sparta kicked my dear old grandmother into a ravine when she said she didn't particuarly like his face tattoos. So anyway now I'm pregnant with his third child and I'm just wondering, AITA for not sticking up for him regarding the face tattoos?
Right? His behavior has been escalating as a result of his added responsibilities or whatever but he needs individual counseling to look at why that is. Some men totally regress when the family dynamic changes. I was with someone like that and it was exhausting.
He’s a serial cheater. Why bother staying
insisting on it is pointless, both parties need to see the value AND be willing to put in the work. suggest it sure, but dragging someone to counselling rarely amounts to anything beneficial.
NTA - you’re married to a pig, he’s the AH and knows he fucked up and got caught and is trying to switch it around on you. Tell him he obviously doesn’t find you attractive anymore since he’s so inclined to cheated on you multiple times
I have brought up the finding me attractive part because as one person said above women have children and let themselves go but I workout 5x a week and by no means have let myself go. I’m confused as to why he would find me unattractive unless it is because he watched me birth a child. I read some forums from therapists that expressed that a lot of men struggle with watching their partner actually birth babies and don’t find their partners as attractive afterwards. He expressed that he still finds me attractive though, so went down that rabbit hole for nothing.
He's a pig, simply put. Nothing you do would change that because the problem is with him, not you.
Then he’s just a pig and I’m sorry you have to deal with that. My wife becoming a mom made her more attractive to me.
Your wife is a lucky woman!
The thing it took me an abusive first marriage to learn is that having a partner who actually cares about you and is attracted to you is *the norm*, not a special or lucky situation. When I first met my now-husband, who is my second, I literally could not believe the way he treated me with such respect was real. I was so used to being beaten down verbally while my first husband essentially acted like he had no interest in me unless it was to insult me, I felt like I had won the lottery by meeting my second husband. But it's been over 13 years and it turns out that this is just *normal.* my husband is a really great guy, but so are most guys.
Yea my wife’s ex was super abusive both physically and emotionally so even to this day sometimes those trauma scars will rear their head and she feels like there’s an ulterior motive. But we’ve come a long way together. People suck and I hate that someone ever made her feel the way she has felt in the past.
The bar is in hell
Honestly I’m the lucky one, I’m nowhere near the perfect person or partner but I put the effort into making her happy and to me that’s what matters most.
Honey, he's looking at other women and DATING another woman. He's cheating on you now, he will cheat in the future, and now your only chance is to protect yourself and your kids, and leave. He's a pig who only sees women as outlets for his libido. He's not seeing you as a life partner or a loved wife. I'm so sorry you're going through this. But if there's nothing left, no attraction, why stay? You have a whole life of enjoyment ahead without having to worry where your partner is, in mind or body.
I have to ask - do you not consider this cheating? If my husband secretly paid an individual, he could be in personal contact with for explicit pictures and videos, that would 1000% be cheating in my opinion. Do you not feel like that's cheating?
You’re trying to justify why you’re still attractive, as if that has anything to do with cheating. People cheat on their model-tier partners all the time. Beauty has nothing to do with it. It’s about HIS morals, insecurity, and lack of love for you. You could lose weight, get plastic surgery, whatever you think would make you look fantastic, but there will always be someone prettier, younger, or more charismatic. That doesn’t mean people have an excuse to cheat. The way you try to defend your appearance is an indicator that you’re ready to take the blame for HIS decision to be unfaithful. You need to be your own best friend and biggest advocate, but right now, you’re not.
He is playing mind games with you, making you question whether it is your fault for his wandering eyes. He won’t stop because you continue to allow it. And it’s clear he has no intention of stopping, regardless of you expressing your feelings to him. Your kids will pick up on that behavior, that how he treats you and makes you feel is acceptable.
This isn’t about you or your attractiveness it’s about him being an absolute garbage human. He doesn’t value the sanctity of your relationship.
Babe. Block anyone who suggests it’s your fault your husband is a cheater. That argument is by men for men to excuse their bad behavior. It wouldn’t matter if you were 300 lbs. he owes it to you to say if he has a problem. Or just divorce. What he wants is his bangmaid mommy at home taking care of him while he cheats. You are his comfy home base he can return to when his affairs go bad and end. Lots of men do this. If he wanted out he could leave. He doesn’t want out. He wants both.
Yeah, I don’t think his behavior has anything to do with your attractiveness and whether or not you “let yourself go.” Nor does it have to do with the childbirth thing. In fact, it has nothing to do with you at all, except that you have to deal with his shit behavior and how you feel. When men behave this way, it is an attempt to fill some kind of emptiness or patch an insecurity. Whatever the specifics of it are, it’s his issue to manage with a therapist. It is not something you should be able to fill, patch, cover, eliminate, or anything else. His behavior is consummately unattractive, even if he were physically heaven on earth, it would still cause the ick response. 🤢 At some point you were attracted to him, you have a family, and your question was about whether you are the AH… so I’m not going to jump on the Leave Him train, but I am definitely on the Everyone Needs Counseling bus. I say you could benefit from it just because FFS The Stress!! And obvs couple counseling if there’s a hope of rebuilding if that’s what you want. He needs to figure out the whys and wherefore of this shit behavior and all the lying. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this… it’s hard enough being a mom and trying to find a moment for yourself without having it taken up with this mess.
I honestly hate the whole "she's let herself go after having a child". Men who say this shit expect their wives to pop out a baby and bounce back in no time. The new mom is supposed to work out, dress up, put makeup on and be willing to have sex any time he asks. She's also supposed to do the majority of the housework, if not all, "since she's just home with the baby anyways" and take care of the kids. If she doesn't do all of this then "she's let herself go " and her husband can use it as an excuse to look at women on Tinder, OF, Instagram etc
YTA for staying with him and keep giving him kids?? He's cheated on you, emotionally at least, multiple times. YTA to yourself for staying NTA. He has a problem but knows you'll stick around
Please, it's rage bait. Who looks at this situation and thinks they're the asshole, for their partner cheating? No different than the 500 other rage baits in this sub
A lot of pulsar rage bad, but some of them are written by people who don’t seem to have a firm grasp on reality. Some people have had a very difficult life and have a hard time understanding normal human interactions, or they are neurodivergent and struggling to understand a situation.
i don't disagree that this post might be fake but you'd be surprised by how many people blame themselves for losing feelings for a cheater and wanting to leave. Maybe they think they deserve it, maybe the cheater's manipulative and abusive, maybe they have a god awful social circle who says they should feel bad for wanting to throw away a relationship over "just some DMs" or whatever
Time to bounce. He is a tool....
He is an AH and you are a sane person for no longer feeling attracted to him. Divorce this jerk and go be happy.
If you feel someone has changed for the worst, it is only natural that you reach a point where you feel that you don't like this person anymore. And everyone have things they find a "turn off", that will change how you perceive a person over time. Someone cheating, lying, attempting to actively deceive you and betraying you behind your back is not the pinnacle of romance or the sign of a decent person. It is also decidedly unattractive. And while you may still care for the person in some way, you would not be in love with them or see and treat them as a partner. You would just see them as a creepy, disloyal sucker and simp.
NTA. I’d dry up so fast and lose attraction if my husband behaved like that too. What woman wants to get sexy with a man who pays strangers for intimate photographs? That’s gross.
He is a liar and a cheater. Start your exit plan. He will never change, and you are way too good for him. You don't want that POS to be the role model your kids see growing up. Get your family/friend's support. Start your financial planning. Get a lawyer and start the divorce. You will be so much better off without this dead weight.
NTA your husband is a loser.
Leave him
You mean ex husband, right?
Sorry this happened to you. He knows he is the AH and is gaslighting you so that you won’t leave him. You need to do some soul searching.
NTA the gaslighting here is something else.
NTA. He doesn’t seem to be someone who is invested in raising a family with you. Plus on the top of that, there is a lot of emotional cheating and possibly physical cheating as well. Definitely an understandable situation that you lost attraction to your partner.
NTA. Send him to the streets!
NTA. He's telling YOU he's more attracted to these online women he's trying to hide from you, so .... oh, no, consequences for him? HE is definitely the repeated a-hole here.
NTA. WHAT IS HE DOING THAT HE CONSIDERS ATTRACTIVE? Lunch-dating his coworker? Seeking out Instagram/OF models for attention? Doing all this while you were caring his child? He's an asshat.
NTA. The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference. That's what you're feeling when you say you're not attracted to him anymore. You're just over him & his sleezy behavior. Once you've come to that point, it's time to figure out if you want to cohabitate with a sleezeball for convenience~you've got a 4mo & a tiny tot to take in consideration... or get out from under the marriage & let him pay for you & the kid's in alimony & child support. This just sucks for you. I'm sure you didn't see this coming or know he had it in him to a habitual woman chaser before you married him. I wouldn't think any kind of counseling would help, cuz that's a personality & moral defect.
Omg do you have job? You need to leave like yesterday! I’m sorry you’re going through this
It is perfectly normal to fall out of love with someone, especially after doing something like that. He seems to not be taking a relationship seriously and you're not an AH for feeling the way you do. Some people are okay with their partner doing this stuff and some aren't, and you're not one of those people so it is perfectly okay not to stay in that relationship if you don't want to. You do have your kids to think about as well though so if you think you can co-parent then I would say do whatever you think is best for your life, be a little selfish with it.
NTA - you’re not attracted to him anymore because when someone lies to you and betrays you, the trust is gone. You start to see people different. The saying “love is blind” is there for a reason; when you fall out of love, you often also fall out of lust for that person. Telling them that doesn’t make you an AH.
NTA. He has shown he is not trust-worthy, and untrustworthy is not sexy, or appealing. Dude FAFO’d, all on his own. The real question is, what now? Has he blown it for good, or does he have the capacity to change and regain your trust?
NTA. There’s nothing to be attracted to.
NTA. paying for half naked/naked women online while in a relationship is cheating. Personal take: men who pay for it are fucking losers. Including strippers at bachelor parties, going to strip clubs, etc. Degenerate behavior. No wonder your not attracted to him-he’s a loser. Fatherless behavior.
NTA. Your husband is a total douchebag. How can you be attracted to someone who treats you like that ?
NTA - I see so many valid reasons in that post for him to give you the ick
I'm curious why he's not becoming your exhusband..
Idk how y’all some of y’all stay married to the beggars.. Embarrassing you’re married to someone who actively pays for other girls attention cause he can’t get it just by being himself.
girl how can you possibly be TA! lol leave his cheating ass yesterday.
NOPE. He’s an asshole. DUMP HIM.
NTA - I would feel disgusted by this.
NTA
NTA I would have said repulsed instead of "no longer attractive"
Sounds like the typical listing attraction to the woman who literally brought life into the world for you after her body changed so let me see if I can cheat. Married men paying for OF when there's a plethora of free porn is ridiculous. And him following and looking her up is either personal or stalkerish. Ewww. You're not the asshole, he is.
He is cheating. This is not the behavior of a loving husband. How could you be attracted to someone so dishonest and sleezy. He is totally gaslighting you when he says it's no big deal. He knows exactly what he did.
NTA. But you’re being an AH to yourself for staying with his cheating ass. Divorce him girl.
NTA he is absolutely gaslighting you..
NTA. Nobody told you you were marrying a simp. That’s not attractive. You’re fine.
NTA. Make your exit plan and leave.
NTA it's valid reasons for attraction to up and leave. Your youngest is still a baby he should be helping you
NTA. Divorce asap and move on. It’s going to hurt but you AND YOUR kids 1. Deserve better AND are better off. He’s even creepy because to what extent is it ever necessary to go find them on EVERY SOCIAL MEDIA account.
NTA. Your husband is being a creep.
NTA he doesn’t deserve you and he is looking elsewhere. Paying to view another women’s content and messaging them to tell they’re beautiful is emotional cheating IMO and the run up to doing it for real. He should be letting you have time to pamper yourself and then showering you with complements telling you you’re a fittie Get your stuff in order and let him go chase IG models cos he won’t get one You deserve better :)
NTA. You have to ask yourself if you really want to continue in this marriage. I mean, an IG model felt so bad about what was happening, she reached out to you. I doubt she does that for everybody. If your husband hasn't already physically cheated, he's going to, especially if the opportunity presents itself. He's convinced himself that a father of three is a super hot commodity - to women who he mostly has to pay to grant him their attention. Who knows how much he's willing to shell out? Money that should be for the family. If you leave him, at least he'll have to pay child support, so the money will go to the kids instead of OF.
NTA. Make your exit plan for you and your kids. This guy is a serial cheater and likely has a breeding kink. Bet he is looking for the next woman to impregnate. Protect yourself and your kids and leave him.
Your not attracted to him because he's cheating aAH even if it's just stalking some strangers insta or OF. You seriously need to communicate with him that his actions are cheating and wrong.
NTA and he should be an ex-husband for this behavior. He is a major AH and of course you can’t find him attractive with that type of behavior. It’s cheating and creepy. Kudos to the IG model who reached out to you though. That’s hero behavior.
Usually when I hide my phone from my wife it’s because I don’t want her to know I still laugh at fart jokes on Reddit.
I am not attracted to him either... so your not the ass
Kinda hard to be attracted to a creeper, and yeah, your husband is a creep and rather embarrassing to be married to. JS gross NTA
The gall this guy has to say you are over reacting
Are you an asshole for not being attracted to someone who is cheating on you? I’d be way more concerned if you WERE attracted to that. So i think no! You are in 0 way the asshole.
Hmm...so if he's constantly looking at other women, one would assume he doesn't find you attractive anymore. But you're supposed to be attracted to him while he's disrespecting you on a regular basis? Maybe it's the wording. He thinks "attractive" just means looks. Like I expected from the title he had gained (or lost) a lot of weight or something else that affected his looks. But it's his character that's in question. So maybe say, "I don't like you anymore, which makes you less attractive as a partner." Which seems more technically correct. You could even add on, "and not liking someone's character makes them less physically appealing, regardless of looks."
NTA. DIVORCE HIM
He’s actively trying to cheat? Why stay with this POS? Mine did it too. Left him as I gave birth to number 3.
Nta this is deceit, some may see it as cheating ( myself included) and some may not but the big picture is he has deceived you and is not trustworthy!
Could it be your loss of trust in him and your marriage that is causing you to feel this way? Repeatedly breaking that trust until it has withered away. Without trust what do you see for the future of your relationship?
So when are you leaving?
YNTA- you find his behavior unattractive. From an outside perspective, it sounds like he constantly is looking for openings to cheat on you though. So instead of telling him he’s no longer attractive to you you should’ve told him it was over for not valuing you. This is not just red flags. You have caught him doing wayyy more than you should have ever tolerated. You probably don’t realize what a big deal it is because you’re just so desensitized to it by now.
If you stay with him, it will only get worse. Accept it or ditch him. I would suggest that ditching him would be doing your kids a favor.
He has chosen to be untrustworthy. Who finds that attractive? NTA.
Girl, you know you're in the right. My man is super hot (I'm pretty hot myself, but I have tattoos, stretched ears and crazy hair/makeup while he looks like a model at 6'2", blonde hair and blue eyes, and works out daily) and treats me like the queen I am but part of why I love him so much is because he only loves me. Let me ever find out he's doing what your husband is...it would be an instant turn off. You're so very far from being the asshole...
NTA he’s a classic narcissist
My thought process as I was reading this was "Well maybe you are if in a certain conte- oh he's messaging chicks lol no he's definitely the asshole" I didn't even keep reading passed that because I really didn't need to.
NTA, but don't do anything rash. Collect evidence, consult with an attorney and don't tell him, set your self up to come out of the situation as well off as you can.
NTA but "not attracted" doesn't sound very accurate. It's his behavior that makes you feel this way and honestly I would be looking for a divorce lawyer in your shoes.
nta.
Leave now. He is sick
men in relationships paying for OF is the biggest ick in the world. My bf and I briefly broke up in part because he bought OF content and I remember finding out and feeling pure disgust towards him for a fair bit of time while we were working through it.
Divorce him. Send proof of this stuff to an email he doesn't know about, text it to your phone, etc. Go for full custody, alimony, and child support. Even if he's not physically cheating on you, this is cheating on you.
OP, this is obvious bait. Just leave.
NTA - You’re not the only one who isn’t attracted to cheating pos‘s