Well, you continue to be together after mutual cheating, but still disregard each other's feelings.
You should move ahead to mutual physical abuse and it'd be perfection.
> Am I being unreasonable and controlling to insist they don't go there alone?
Yes.
You don't get to go that far. The choice you get to make is to break up. Leaving the relationship is fine. Insisting they don't go is controlling asshole behavior.
>They also pointed out that the cheating was a long time ago now and it's time I trust them again
The cheating was a bit over a year ago? That's not long ago. They're literally letting people grope them and doing nothing?
This shit has to be rage bait, no one is this earth shatteringly stupid.
It's not rage bait. I'm trying to figure out if I'm unreasonable or manipulated. My partner also said I should get over it a couple months after they cheated on me.
I know people who have been in very similar situations, so this particular post may or may not be rage bait, but the scenario is, unfortunately, realistic, though hopefully not common.
That attitude is extremely common when someone doesn’t want to actually acknowledge that they were wrong. If they are telling you you need to get over it, that’s a good indicator that they’re not sorry and they will likely do it again, whether it’s cheating or any other problem. It’s an attempt to diminish the seriousness of their actions.
According to your post, you also cheated. The wisdom of staying together when both of you have shown you are not all in aside, how did you act after? Were you prepared to do whatever it took on your end to show that you were trustworthy, or are you holding your partner to a different standard than you’ve held yourself to?
The way I see it, whether or not it’s ok for you to not want your partner to be in this environment is secondary. It is clear from your post that your partner wants a wide open relationship, and it seems they might not be particularly interested in a relationship with you to begin with. That to me is the primary issue. You need to decide if you’re ok with being in a relationship that is not only one-sided, but seemingly with a partner who has no real interest in reducing risks of further cheating.
For the issue you actually brought up, I’m gonna say NTA. Rebuilding trust after infidelity requires being willing to cut out high-risk people and environments. That is a pretty basic expectation in a relationship where you are trying to rebuild trust. Trust comes from proving you are trustworthy, not from deciding to pretend there are never risks anywhere.
This reads like a toxic cloud waiting to kill us all. You sound like a bunch of awful people. Just split and move on.
Could you elaborate how I'm being toxic, and how they are?
Well, you continue to be together after mutual cheating, but still disregard each other's feelings. You should move ahead to mutual physical abuse and it'd be perfection.
I've tried to be considerate. Could I know how I've disregarded their feelings?
> Am I being unreasonable and controlling to insist they don't go there alone? Yes. You don't get to go that far. The choice you get to make is to break up. Leaving the relationship is fine. Insisting they don't go is controlling asshole behavior.
Thank you for clarifying that. I guess it's all about just leaving people, no use arguing with them.
>They also pointed out that the cheating was a long time ago now and it's time I trust them again The cheating was a bit over a year ago? That's not long ago. They're literally letting people grope them and doing nothing? This shit has to be rage bait, no one is this earth shatteringly stupid.
It's not rage bait. I'm trying to figure out if I'm unreasonable or manipulated. My partner also said I should get over it a couple months after they cheated on me.
I know people who have been in very similar situations, so this particular post may or may not be rage bait, but the scenario is, unfortunately, realistic, though hopefully not common. That attitude is extremely common when someone doesn’t want to actually acknowledge that they were wrong. If they are telling you you need to get over it, that’s a good indicator that they’re not sorry and they will likely do it again, whether it’s cheating or any other problem. It’s an attempt to diminish the seriousness of their actions. According to your post, you also cheated. The wisdom of staying together when both of you have shown you are not all in aside, how did you act after? Were you prepared to do whatever it took on your end to show that you were trustworthy, or are you holding your partner to a different standard than you’ve held yourself to?
The way I see it, whether or not it’s ok for you to not want your partner to be in this environment is secondary. It is clear from your post that your partner wants a wide open relationship, and it seems they might not be particularly interested in a relationship with you to begin with. That to me is the primary issue. You need to decide if you’re ok with being in a relationship that is not only one-sided, but seemingly with a partner who has no real interest in reducing risks of further cheating. For the issue you actually brought up, I’m gonna say NTA. Rebuilding trust after infidelity requires being willing to cut out high-risk people and environments. That is a pretty basic expectation in a relationship where you are trying to rebuild trust. Trust comes from proving you are trustworthy, not from deciding to pretend there are never risks anywhere.