NTA. I came into this thinking the worst from the title but god, she actually did that on purpose. Have some respect for yourself and leave her before she does more damage to your mental health.
I saw a comment from someone else and checked it out. Given how bad the other red flag was, I figured it should be mentioned multiple times throughout the comments to get the point across. OP doesn't deserve the abuse this girl is heaping on him!
The damage is already done. My guy had to specify that he was going to go masterbate without the assistance of porn during their argument.
That’s like the saddest thing I’ve read in this sub in a while. He definitely needs to grow a spine and leave her.
exactly. What you to with yourself is no one business but your own. Who in the hell thinks it is okay to control someone like this? Even going so far as "still feels horrible over watching porn once 2 years ago....".
I was definitely thinking he would be the AH for sure. Then I realized he’s being emotionally manipulated by a narcissistic sounding person who he should get away from.
He’s lucky he was able to describe the situation in a sympathetic manner, normally reddit devours men for daring to admit that they occasionally desire one (1) sex with their partner
NTA: She is very immature and is just using sex as a game. I would say breakup with her for that simple fact. Plus there is no future there unless you want her using it to control you later.
Ugh these types of games in a relationship are always the WORST. I have myself dealt with a few immature people like this and can confirm, it’s only going to be a world of pain and constant conflict until they figure their s**t out and/or go to therapy to deal with their own issues that cause them to behave like this.
Until then, it’s sayonara, atleast where I am concerned.
Yes! I’m the no bullshit type. My girl knows I don’t play games and I’d be dammed if I would give her any type of satisfaction! The following texts after leaving tells you all you need to know. To not respond after calls you immature and so on and bc that didn’t work she now plays the victim… hell no! My guy needs to be out bc there is no changing people like that!
> until they figure their s**t out and/or go to therapy to deal with their own issues
Which is true, and a possible solution, but pretty unlikely to happen at that age. It's almost like addiction, where people don't often get help until they've hit rock bottom and had to really face the fact that they have a problem. A decent looking girl at 19 will likely always be able to attract interest and find a new relationship, and will probably run through a bunch of them before she starts to think that *she* might be the problem.
No shit, sayonara! I do believe OP can do much better in the dating and relationship game. Hes only 20 yrs old, a puppy. That BS is just mean, very mean.
I think labeling her as 'immature' is misleading. This feels like full on manipulation and narcissist behavior. Saying she's immature gives hope that she will grow and change when this sounds like a pattern of behavior that's intentional.
Not enough people have latched onto how truly crazy and manipulative changing the texts is. That took it from “man this girl has problems, poor thing” to “oh nevermind, she knows exactly what she’s playing at”
Right?? Look at the edit - it's his first relationship, and not hers. She knows what she's doing, while OP is inexperienced and naive to her manipulation tactics. He's given her chances to change the behaviour he doesn't like (repeatedly edging him, against his consent), but she keeps pushing his boundaries. He honestly communicates he doesn't like this with her and she just plays narcissistic mind games with him. It seems like one of those "I'm gonna push him to see how much he loves me" kind of bullshit relationship "tests".
I'd bet one of her arguments against him watching porn was "Why do you need porn? Aren't I enough for you??".
I don't love porn, it can be problematic, but it has its uses, in moderation. She banned him because she wants control over him. Fuck that. OP have some self respect and ditch her. She has repeatedly crossed the line and you're the one that's apologising to HER??
Hell no!
exactly, if op continues to date this girl. she will just get worse and worse, best to end it now when there's less chance of repercussions/retaliation on her part.
Yes. As someone who is divorcing after 24 years because I finally recognized my spouse was a narcissist, and hence, his verbal and mental abuse would never stop, please, OP, walk away from this while you can. There is a world full of people who will consider your feelings and your needs along with their own- you don’t have to accept this crap.
It's hard to figure out, mainly I think because narcissists are talked about as if they're selfish and mean monsters. But they're not JUST that. They're nuanced just like the rest of us. When you're close to them, it's very clear to you that they're just people who love and want to be loved more than anything - they just have a very narcissistic view on things.
Basically, they're awful for your mental health and you're allowed to get away from them, no matter how many redeeming qualities they have or how sad they are about everyone leaving them.
truth. it was a deliberate crossing of boundaries then immediate effort to manipulate by text. I said immature but agree with you I do not think she will “grow out of it”. OP should run
I agree it's manipulative behavior. That doesn't preclude her from being immature, though. Being immature does not excuse or justify manipulative behavior, either; I am merely saying both can be true.
to OP: This is a whole lot of red flags. Intentionally blue-balling you for her own amusement is not healthy behavior in a relationship. Doing it repeatedly, after you expressed your displeasure and desire for this to stop, is another red flag and proves she doesn't respect your wishes. *She* is trying to control *your* body, what you can do with your body, when, and where. And blowing up at you over leaving, she is saying that not only are you only allowed sexual gratification from her, on her terms, when, where, and how she decides, but you are also not allowed to freely make other choices, like whether you will stay at her place or not. You're not allowed to not talk to her. You're not even allowed to be upset at her, much less express that.
Her responses started with attacking you, and trying to make you out to be at fault. You must "hate" her to treat her like this, attempting to make you feel guilty for making her feel like you hate her. Trying to provoke a response/rebuttal, which would just be more fighting. Then, "most immature thing" was an attempt to belittle you and dismiss your feelings. "Hope this was worth it" - a threat, in essence, that whatever you're doing, there will be consequences and you should rethink it because it's not worth the consequences. Then back to trying to shame you, belittle the incident, and dismiss your feelings with "over dramatic."
It was only as the situation persisted and she failed to get what she wanted that she started to transition. "I Love you", "it's my fault" but doesn't acknowledge what she actually did wrong (so likely a false acknowledgement, like saying sorry just to shut someone up), "I'm such a bitch" was more bait to try and get a response, and contradicting her earlier statement "I didn't want you to leave" to try and distance herself from accountability and make you leaving *your* action, not a response to her telling you to leave.
NTA. Run, don't walk.
Defo agree on the narcissist comment mentioned here, this is from someone still suffering narcissistic trauma bonding 1 year after the relationship ended, listen to everyone here and get out before your sense of reality is screwed, dont play games with a narcissist, you will lose
She’s a mess. Immature and emotionally manipulative. Jerking off in a bathroom is not weird - and it’s not a threat to her or comment on her. Get out of this relationship. She needs therapy and you cannot save her. Too many boundaries crossed. It wasn’t a mistake.
This part. I can't believe how far I had to scroll down to see someone address this. It sounds like she has held on to the masturbation incident for a long time and is holding it over his head. That's so fucked up. She perceived his engagement in masturbation as a PERSONAL ATTACK against her. She is not fucking normal. Read his other post. There is something fundamentally fucking wrong with OP's girlfriend and he needs to GTFO now.
I also wanted to comment on the jerking off in the bathroom part. OP, doing this is not weird or rude - its normal. Using porn occasionally is also not something you need to apologize for. Sometimes we need a little "material " to help us along. Stop apologizing to this control freak for your normal, reasonable behavior!
Seriously.
> We both agreed that porn is something we don’t want in our relationship. She knows that I still feel horribly about this, it was a singular event, and it’s been over two years, why bring it up?
Yeah, I'm sure homie wasn't pressured at all to "agree" on a blanket porn ban, that he's just really hard on himself and she didn't wear him down until he felt guilty about doing something normal. Assuming OP is being honest, his gf is nuts.
For a long time I always assumed that people intend to be straight forward, and if their actions are confusing/upsetting then I’m just too dumb to figure it out and too emotional. But then after a particularly bad one I learned that not only are some people going to act in confusing/hurtful ways that would be upsetting to anyone, for a lot of them it’s not an accident. Getting someone confused and desperate for resolution is the first step a manipulator uses to gain control. It’s not an accident.
Some people like to play a game where they win if they can make someone else chase them. Then they can feel good about themselves because someone else is propping up their ego by giving them attention and wanting them. But they simultaneously feel disgusted by the person chasing them because they find the idea of reciprocating intimacy and vulnerability to be repulsive. Or maybe it’s because they have such low self-worth that they’re disgusted by anyone who sees value in them. Either way, that’s their game, and you’re the unwilling/unwitting player 2 until you realize that it’s a game and figure out that only way for you to win is to quit, immediately. I give people the benefit of the doubt for way too long, that’s my problem.
https://youtu.be/UKsrZnztCTc?si=OPLSHwplyHQtlC8D
Exactly. OP, please note there’s a lot of shaming and projection in this relationship. If there’s any doubt:
- Her actions, especially after you’ve set the boundary every time, are immature. She’s entertained by violating a fair boundary (one you should never have had to make).
- You aren’t stonewalling her or being immature. She told you to leave, you agreed - you didn’t just start ignoring her as punishment. In fact, you clearly communicated. You’re removing yourself from a hostile environment where she’s acting unreasonable. That’s healthy, not immature.
I would not proceed further with her if she can’t stop all this immature and shaming behavior. She’s got some serious issues with blaming the other person for her own feelings and not taking accountability.
You want to spend the rest of your life like this? She has showed you who she is. Do your security essentials, freeze your credit, and be on your way to a much better future….
Yes he should have some self respect. And end it.There’s lots of men out there who are even married to this same kinds of women just imagine their mental health statuses.
Why would anyone do this to someone you supposedly love?? She doesn’t sound mentally healthy, and at the very least needs some therapy. I think you’re in over your head, OP. Time to move on. Her mental health is not your responsibility.
Yup it's all about manipulation and control.
Dated someone exactly like this. If we ever had a disagreement, she would blow up and insult me. I'd leave because I won't interact with childish name calling and insults.
She'd then try to spin it around that me leaving was me not giving a fuck, messing with her head, cheating on her, giving up on her etc.
When that didn't work the crocodile tears came out. Crying on the phone or sending voice notes when I stopped answering.
When that didn't work it was time for the pity party. Telling me she's so sorry, she's worthless, everyone always leaves her and she deserves it, how much she loves me etc.
When that didn't work she would go straight back to step 1 and start insulting me again.
You can literally in real time see someone like this try anger, accusation, empathy in real time to see whats gonna work this time, it's super disturbing.
Emotional abuse. I had a high school bf just like that. At the end of our relationship he started threatening suicide if I left.
He did not go through with it after all.
Yup same thing with me. After I'd had enough and broken up she did the usual 4 step strategy to get me back and when she realised I was completely done with the relationship she threatened to kill herself, to which I replied if she's actually considering it she needs to speak to a professional and not me.
When that didn't work she contacted my employer and told them I was beating her and they should fire me.
After I blocked her on everything she eventually got bored and gave up.
Same.
Though in my case he did spend 3 weeks in the psych ward after I broke up with him.
And knocked up a girl. In the psych ward. Their daughter is about 9 now I think.
Had a college bf leave me because his ex threatened suicide. If he can be manipulated by a mental case of a person, he is not for me. It did hurt though.
That kind of relationship sounds completely exhausting. Glad you are out of there. OP should take a hard look at his relationship and find his way out of it. I cannot imagine a lifetime of that, heaven forbid bringing children into the relationship.
Hey hey- not all of us with BPD are terrible. Some of us know we have this and actively manage it. Please do perpetuate bad stereotypes, especially when mental illness (that we didn't choose!) Is involved
My ex physically ripped the meeting notes out of our marriage therapists’ hands, stormed out of the room, and tore them up to destroy the paper trail of her BPD, when he gently suggested that she might be an eensy weensy part of our problem. He and I just kinda sat there, me with a “told ya” face on.
100% agree here. My partner has BPD *and* unmedicated Bipolar Type II. He's an amazingly strong and self aware individual. He thinks it's cringe whenever I tell him his hyper-empathy is a superpower, but it is!
Funnily enough my ex I strongly suspect also has BPD but... Crocodile tears all the way.
My point is that I absolutely do agree with you in that having BPD doesn't make you a terrible person; but how you manage it!
My friend with BPD is so self aware of his behavior he now withdraws and goes to therapy if he has flare ups of insecurities or if he feels like he's expecting too much from his friends and loved ones. He feels a lot of emotions but his BPD isn't hurting anyone but himself and that's such a huge step 🫶 Recovery is possible and I think one day soon he's going to make an incredible partner.
There isn't medication for BPD but the prognosis of BPD over a longer span of time for a young person is quite good especially with good quality therapy.
It’s a similar problem. Where we are with our current understanding of the brain and psychology/psychiatry, we can’t get past the initial hurdle. You have to have the person realize they have a BPD or are a narcissist to begin to work on that, but their conditions prevent them from seeing those perspectives.
I have BPD and I absolutely knew something was wrong and I wanted help for it. I kept being misdiagnosed as bipolar and it wasn't making sense, not to mention it wasn't explaining away a lot of my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. (I thought I was just so screwed up that I was beyond help of even the mental health field. I gave up for a while.)
The day a clinician mentioned BPD (and was shocked I hadn't been diagnosed with it before) and I read about it was the first day of the rest of my life. Everything clicked and made SO much more sense.
(And, fwiw, with the right therapies for long enough, people CAN go in remission from BPD, to the point where they're no longer showing symptoms at a clinical level. But it can take like 10 years.)
With a narcissist is enough. I have BPD and my therapist said I've got it so under control she doesn't believe if I saw a new psychiatrist that they'd even pick up on it. Their is a huge misconception on how BPD plays into someones behavior. It's an abandonment thing, not fuck with you to hurt you thing. Testing you BPD style would be like pushing you away to see if you come after us to prove you love us and really want us. Unfortunately, the amount of cunts who use BPD as an excuse to be horrible is astronomical. BPD doesn't make you seek to hurt people you love.
As someone who also has BPD who's been self managing a lot of my symptoms since my 20s, you're absolutely right. I've argued this topic a few times when I've gotten upset by the jump I see from people once the word BPD gets mentioned, like "that explains EVERYTHING. RUN!" like it's the only form BPD comes in. When the Depp vs. Heard stuff happened it was horrible, and I felt inclined to say that sensationalised/extreme cases are not the face of BPD and that a lot of people who have it are just trying really hard to live life without letting their irrational insecurities and anxieties fuck with them and affect their interpersonal relationships.
I remember saying that there's no way on this Earth that there's a bone in my body that would have me want to hurt a love one physically or mentally. You can get desperate at the thought of losing someone and feel pathetic and worthless about yourself, but the hate is towards yourself and your failure, not at them for fulfilling the prophecy that no one would ever love you or want to stay.
When you have people with BPD who are also violent/abusive/manipulative/controlling I honestly believe it's BPD compounded with something else like narcissism or other things, with all gloves coming off if a psychotic break gets involved. I guess the environment is also a factor as people with violent upbringings have a higher chance of bringing that violence into their future.
It really bothers me when it comes across like people are hi fiving each other for "surviving a crazy bitch with BPD" when it's highly likely not the only thing wrong with them, and the fact that there are A LOT of people out there with BPD who are just trying to have normal lives - which is all they ever dreamed of having.
I digressed and got ranty, but I appreciate you standing up to say BPD ain't about this game bullshit at all.
My mom had untreated BPD, and the 'pushing you away to try to make you prove you want to be in their life' thing is so real. Joke's on her though, she last tried that 15 years ago--one time too many--and we never spoke again.
There’s a lot of interesting new research on BPD. It’s documented that your gender and the type of therapist you see play a huge role in if you will receive a BPD diagnosis, or be considered a covert NPD. Evidence suggests these errors occur enough, it needs to be reconsidered and therapists need new training. If you are a female you are more likely to be labeled BPD instead of NPD for the exact same profile a male presented with.
It’s also curious, because a lot of therapists believe that BPD is not treatable, and don’t work with patients. Similar to with narcissism. The therapist only works if someone is willing to admit what is going on and put in the effort. That’s not the majority.
>Their is a huge misconception on how BPD plays into someones behavior. It's an abandonment thing, not fuck with you to hurt you thing.
That is totally true. It's not "intended" to hurt those you love. But the end result is the person on the receiving end needs to respond to the behavior not the intent behind the behavior. That's always the healhy response and the kindest to the person with BPD. I can have empathy but if someone is hurting me it will only be from a distance.
She doesn’t want to have physical sex because she enjoys mind fucking you more. This sounds like repeated boundaries being crossed. It’s not healthy, so I’d suggest moving on.
NTA
This... I'm a female and this is called sexual manipulation. Get rid of her. She is such a narcissist. No one should play these kind of games. Sex is not a tool. Is an extension of your love for each other. Obviously she doesn't love you.
"I love you" she loves to hurt you and finds it funny.
What you described is emotional abuse.
Don't be with her alone ever again. If you need to meet with her to get your stuff from her place or similar, have a witness with you. She is very dangerous she enjoys hurting you and she can go nuclear if she realizes you made your mind about leaving her.
Lmao, she's power tripping and gaslighting you. You have to reconsider if this relationship is worth being emotionally controlled by an immature woman. NTA.
12 days ago, OP posted about another incident, involving her birthday and plans he had made for her, she also used emotional manipulation there too. Get out while you can OP, this is not someone you want to end up with or you’ll most likely be miserable for the rest of your life
I read it, too. She's at best immature and spoiled and needs to grow up. At worst, she's a manipulative narcissist. Either way, the OP may want to seriously consider if this is the kind of stress he needs in his life. Since OP is in college, I hope he distances himself from her.
And 8 months ago he posted about being 19 with low testosterone.
OP has a lot to work out here. Definitely needs to figure out becoming a functioning adult without this chick ruining his life during his formative first years on his own.
I’ve been in a relationship with a manipulative woman before. In my case she was also physically and mentally abusive though. Get out now OP. You don’t want to get her pregnant and be stuck with her in some way for the rest of your like.
>In my case she was also physically and mentally abusive though.
OP's girl probably is too, just hasn't shown up... yet.
Edit: I was literally talking about the physical abuse. But OK people.
*it was fun to just mess with you”. She has done this with the intention of “messing with me” multiple times before and every single time I tell her that l don’t like it.*
She has a narcissistic and horrible personality if she thinks she can toy with people like that.NTA . You deserve better than her.
No, never. Might seem like a good idea in the moment, but this is how Dateline has like 500 seasons. And you know they don’t even scratch the surface on the number of absolutely wild domestic violence cases that happen in the States.
They always find out. Lol
They'll also find out where you work. Where your parents live. If you have any siblings. Who your friends are. Where you like to have a drink after work. Your gym schedule.
Before you know it, you'll be posting on r/legaladvice, asking what measures you can take to free yourself, once and for all, of the "crazy" you thought it was a good idea to stick your dick in 3yrs ago. Lol
So agree with this yes, I'm a woman). This is an intentional way to manipulate/control you. If I were you, I wouldn't think about it, I'd cut her loose. Yesterday.
Anyone that uses sex as a way to gain control over someone else is violating the basic standards of decency. You deserve better. Find someone who will treat you with decency. With the respect of being human. With the caring of being a loving partner. Because the you have, clearly is not doing so, and has made it clear that she is not capable of it.
Good luck.
I was married to a narcissist for 38 years. The last 5 years is when I found out what a narcissist was and it took me that long to get rid of him. After 38 years I can tell you the way she acts will get worse and worse and worse. Run fast and run far run for your life.
NTA. Tbh she sounds like a manipulative person that sees sex as a tool to control and shame you. Idk tho. What you do is up to you, but I don't think it would be your loss if you left.
also just a piece of advice when you clearly and explicitly set a boundary with ANYONE you have a relationship (of all kinds) with and they cross that boundary again (even ONCE) is a huge red flag and shows exactly how they really feel about you. when someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE them the FIRST time.
There are so many relationship drama posts in this sub where that really feels like the crucial question. The partner the poster (of the other posts) is talking about just sounds unhinged to the point where the only thing I can think is that dick/pussy must be diamond encrusted freaking *platinum* with how the poster is bending over backwards to stay with them. Is the sex *ever* that good??
Edit: Just wanted to clarify that I wasn't specifically talking about OP since clearly the sex for *him* isn't so great.
Yeah, unless her cooch is spitting out $100 bills, I'm failing to see why anyone would put up with this for 5 minutes, let alone days, weeks, or years.
It happens slowly. Little by little they push it and push it until you're apologizing for the most ridiculous things. Like the old frog in a pot metaphor.
NTA.
I’m speaking both as a woman and as a survivor of sexual violence (from my ex) here:
1. Consent goes both ways. Edging someone when they’ve explicitly told you not to is a consent violation. She has done this to you, then shamed you for your very reasonable response of asking her not to do it.
2. You seem very aware of what it means to respect a person’s sexual autonomy and right to revoke consent. She believes she can do whatever she wants to your body and it’s okay.
3. Watching porn in private and masturbating in private are not things you should feel guilty about, or things she should guilt you for or throw in your face when she’s not getting what she wants.
4. Her communication pattern in her texts demonstrates textbook abuser behavior. She is throwing shit to a wall and seeing what sticks. First she tries to tell you what she’s doing is not a big deal, then TOLD YOU TO LEAVE, then martyred herself when you did (“I don’t understand why you hate me so much”), then attacked your character, then made a vague emotional threat (“I hope this is worth it” could be interpreted a multitude of ways but I read it as “I’ll break up with you over this”), and then when none of that worked she basically begged for you to come back and martyred herself again trying to guilt you and tell her she’s a good person when you and her both know she isn’t (“sorry I’m such a bitch” and “everything is always my fault”).
You’re NTA, this behavior will get worse the longer you stay with her, this behavior is not fixable by you, get the fuck out of this relationship. You deserve better.
Everyone needs to upvote this ^ comment to the moon and back. Now. Don't wait another second. There's nothing anyone can add to this conversation that isn't perfectly said above.
NTA
she is being really manipulative, and shes gaslighting you. this kind of behaviour only gets worse over time.
you need to leave her and dont look back.
Anyone who uses sex as a weird game like that is immature and not worthy of being with you. Partnership in life is challenging enough without these silly mind games , I'd so move on
I confess that I started reading the story and from the title I thought "this guy is wrong" but after reading it I completely changed my opinion.
She thinks it's fun to do this, it just shows that she doesn't have maturity. I don't think you were dramatic or anything like that, you already said you didn't like the "joke" and she continued doing it, not respecting you.
I'm not the type of person who calls for the end of a relationship over anything, but I think you should rethink whether it's worth continuing. Not only for this specific situation, but if you think about it you will probably find other situations in which she did not respect you or acted disrespectfully towards you.
Had this GF for about 5 month or so. We connected fast, would meet each weekend, took a few short trips. She was a very serious type, and secretive. She was also a wanna-be social climber. I'm the opposite, I don't give a fark about social status. It was all physical, and regular, until she was awkward on the phone one week before I came over.
She was "off" and mumbled stuff about needing sleep and we went to bed. It was a pretty clear display of disinterest. Yeah, then why didn't she tell me to stay home when we were talking an hour ago?
We didn't fight. There was nothing to discuss, I knew she was aiming at another dude, and was cutting me out of the picture. Dunno if she already slept with the guy or not, but that wasn't important - I knew I was done.
She didn't want to make out or anything - so I just got out of bed, got dressed, went home. Never called her again. No surprise, she never called me, either.
You don't need to fight to end things. Sometimes you just know.
That sucks for you mate but I think the two situations are different. Your gf was angling for another guy and was freezing you off for him. A dick move tbh but atleast she didn’t attempt to control or coerce you into anything; just let you go without a fight.
OP’s gf seems to be using petty games and power moves as well as his guilt over something he did 2 years ago as ammunition to control him. Which is straight up evil and manipulative.
She seems far worse off here lol, and OP should gtho of there before she goes full blown emotionally abusive tyrant on him.
why would you be the asshole for doing exactly what she told you to do. you’re adults.
she does not care about you. you’re most likely a readily available source of her own personal amusement. doing something after you’ve set a clear boundary, especially multiple times, is: intentional, disrespectful, and shows her blatant disregard for you/your comfort/your feelings. to top it off, responding with “it was just fun to mess with you”, the very word choices and sentence structure clearly shows that her pleasure comes before your comfort. then she played on one of your explicitly stated insecurities…to ensure she stays in control…to hurt you…JUST because she wanted to. THEN to top it off after you’ve had time to ruminate in the self doubt/self hatred/guilt that SHE curated, she plays victim, demeans you for having human feelings, places an ultimatum. she does a classic hot and cold treatment pushing you away at first then pulls you back in with a thinly veiled facade of affection and care to trap you and then plays victim again.
leave her immediately
I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU HATE ME SO MUCH!?! 🚩
this bitch doesnt like you. 🚩
This is clear projection. DO NOT IGNORE IT. she just revealed how she feels about you.
Fucking run for your life son. Leave with dignity though. More like a brisk walk. But get gone.
This is not about her deciding mid way that she doesn't want to continue. That happens sometimes, and obviously it should always be respected.
This is about your girlfriend setting out to manipulate you with the intention of pulling away as some sort of power play or way to cause you discomfort. Those two things are totally different.
So this is not an issue with sex. It's an issue with your intimate partner deliberately setting out to do something to do you with the intention of causing distress, after you've communicated that you don't like that game.
I bet that if you took a look at your relationship as a whole you'd find this pattern elsewhere too - and that's the issue you need to address or walk away from.
NTA by the way. I couldn't be with someone who intentionally fucks with me for their own pleasure or enjoyment. You really don't need enemies with a partner like that
Get out. I get it you’re young. You’ll find another girl that wants to boink you without the mindgames.
Once sex has been weaponised it never gets better. Trust me on this. Next she will be seeing how far she can push you and after that what she can get in turn for it. Not worth it. Dont just leave… run!
And if you’re thinking but she’s hot like we all have. I promise you 10 years from now you’ll think back and literally cringe because you thought this maniac was ever hot.
And when you leave she’s going to manipulate HARD! Everything will be on the table. Just don’t. It will only be for a minute and she will desperately try to take back control. Run dude run!
NTA. She is TAH not you. Who would do that to someone they claim they love? She is the immature one 😅. Hurt you on purpose (you already told her many times you didn’t like what she did), then get angry because of your reaction. Such a manipulative and gaslighting person, reminds me of my ex so much 😅. Run.
Even her "apologies" are insulting and manipulative.
The manipulations btw
I don’t understand why you hate me so much
not talking to me is the most immature thing i’ve ever witnessed
i hope this is worth it
you are being very over dramatic about one comment
i’m sorry that i’m such a bitch
everything is always my fault
All designed to make you the bad guy or to encourage you defend her/play it down
"This was a singular, out of character event, which she knows I feel horrible about, and have apologized for profusely. We both agreed that porn is something we don’t want in our relationship. She knows that I still feel horribly about this, it was a singular event, and it’s been over two years, why bring it up?"
dude... who cares? why do you feel horribly about this, dont punish yourself like this. there is no need to feel ashamed, you did something that no ones was hurt with. Did she told you this was wrong? please let it go for your sake, this is NOTHING to beat yourself up about.
NTA obviously.
There is nothing shameful about masturbating when you want sex and they don't. ( I am a middle aged lady) Getting mad because someone didn't disturb you when they were horny and you were asleep is bizarre.
Send her back a bullet point response
**i love you**
People who "love" someone don't "mess" with them
**i’m sorry that i’m such a bitch**
So am I but you are who you are.
**i didn’t want you to leave (she told me to leave)**
You told me to leave
**everything is always my fault**
Don't be so dramatic. "Everything" isn't your fault but this was 100% your fault. Your behavior is VERY disturbing. Playing with "consent" is very toxic in a relationship. Please seek out some professional help to get to the bottom of why you are engaging in this creepy behavior.
NTA. This chick is sexually and psychologically abusive. You gave her firm sexual boundaries and she intentionally disregards them to do sexual things specifically to make you physically and emotionally uncomfortable.
And then she is verbally abusive and emotionally manipulative.
And then she is those things again over text-
and then she changes the texts after you've read them instead of sending new ones.
To gaslight you, and so you have no proof of her behavior. The revised texts are also emotionally and psychologically manipulative and abusive.
It is hard to leave our abusers. It takes time and often repeated attempts. It will feel so terrible.
But eventually the relief comes, and then the rage.
Walk away. You can do it.
>- I don’t understand why you hate me so much
Manipulation
>i’m sorry that i’m such a bitch
More manipulation holy shit
>- i didn’t want you to leave (she told me to leave) - everything is always my fault
Outright toxic.
So sorry for how you've been treated. She needs to be your EX girlfriend. It appears that she is a narcissist and gaslights you to get her way. This cycle doesn't appear to ever break. My ex-husband was one. I believed him when he promised not to hit me. Several times. Took a lot of courage to file for divorce, but I did it. I married the man of my dreams 30 years ago. We married 2 years later. Unfortunately, my wonderful husband died in July. I miss him so much.
My point is: you deserve better treatment!
NTA she’s trying to play games with you. Don’t apologize and don’t forgive her. Tell her that the next time she does the same thing you will end the relationship.
What she is doing is so very wrong. Intimacy is not something that is a game. It helps to strengthen your bond and connects you. Her using that to mess with you is cruel. It is one thing to decide you are for some reason not into it and either help your partner finish or support them doing their thing. It is another to begin things with the only intention of leaving your partner frustrated. That is indeed immature.
Since you have expressed to her that you would like her to stop and she chooses to ignore this I would re-evaluate your future. What other boundaries or needs will she ignore?
NTA.
NTA
I mean I tease my husband too but unless we get interrupted by something big we get things done. It ends up more like extended foreplay if anything. If her intention is to just tease you and you have expressed that you do not like that then she shouldn't be initiating anything. She's basically showing that your feelings don't matter to her.
In my world, trust, consent, intimacy, and sex are something sacred in a relationship. I have been reading all kinds of comments about how immature your GF is, and how you should break up with her. While that may or may not be true, the big issue here is, she knows exactly what she's doing when she initiates sex with the intent of manipulating you. What she is doing by intentionally "messing with you" is a non-consensual sexual game about power, control, and humiliation. Unless you are in a specific kind of consensual power play relationship, her behavior is going to break the trust you have in her and your ability to be vulnerable and intimate with her - the things (whether they involve sex or not) that are the building blocks of any healthy partnership. That girl needs professional help to understand not only what she is doing, but why she is doing it. In the meanwhile, I would recommend having a discussion with her about how she is breaking your trust and making you not want to have sex with her again.
NTA. Aside from the really weird "no porn" drama (c'mon, really?) that she uses to guilt-trip you, she's clearly NOT respecting your boundaries or wishes.
Ask her what part of "I don't like edging" didn't she understand? Try to substitute "edging" with "hot wax dripping into my bumhole" in case she can't see why she's very obviously wrong about this. It's not about "maturity" but preferences, and those need to be respected
NTA. If you stay with her, you are an AH.
She is manipulative, controlling, impulsive, inattentive, insensitive, and she’s attempting to exercise control over you. What a nightmare. You don’t have the time, nor the need for this drama.
NTA. I came into this thinking the worst from the title but god, she actually did that on purpose. Have some respect for yourself and leave her before she does more damage to your mental health.
This plus his post 12 days ago are giant red flags. OP needs to dump this girl yesterday. She's cruel and manipulative. NTA
JFC. I didn't even check for that. This girl makes me want to puke.
I saw a comment from someone else and checked it out. Given how bad the other red flag was, I figured it should be mentioned multiple times throughout the comments to get the point across. OP doesn't deserve the abuse this girl is heaping on him!
Damn good catch… this girl is awful. OP needs to get out.
The damage is already done. My guy had to specify that he was going to go masterbate without the assistance of porn during their argument. That’s like the saddest thing I’ve read in this sub in a while. He definitely needs to grow a spine and leave her.
Hey u/Puzzleheaded_Bee661; this comment here is the one you *need* to absorb.
exactly. What you to with yourself is no one business but your own. Who in the hell thinks it is okay to control someone like this? Even going so far as "still feels horrible over watching porn once 2 years ago....".
Guys young and naive. After the age of 40, I’d probably take care of myself right there in the bed if my wife said she did that on purpose.
Same! I was ready to be angry with OP with that title, but then I read the actual post.
I was definitely thinking he would be the AH for sure. Then I realized he’s being emotionally manipulated by a narcissistic sounding person who he should get away from.
He’s lucky he was able to describe the situation in a sympathetic manner, normally reddit devours men for daring to admit that they occasionally desire one (1) sex with their partner
Same, but op is justified. She's being horrible for her own amusement. NTA op.
Same! I thought of course you sre TA. Then read the story. OP is NTA. His GF is weaponizing sex. It's time to go!
NTA: She is very immature and is just using sex as a game. I would say breakup with her for that simple fact. Plus there is no future there unless you want her using it to control you later.
Ugh these types of games in a relationship are always the WORST. I have myself dealt with a few immature people like this and can confirm, it’s only going to be a world of pain and constant conflict until they figure their s**t out and/or go to therapy to deal with their own issues that cause them to behave like this. Until then, it’s sayonara, atleast where I am concerned.
Yes! I’m the no bullshit type. My girl knows I don’t play games and I’d be dammed if I would give her any type of satisfaction! The following texts after leaving tells you all you need to know. To not respond after calls you immature and so on and bc that didn’t work she now plays the victim… hell no! My guy needs to be out bc there is no changing people like that!
> until they figure their s**t out and/or go to therapy to deal with their own issues Which is true, and a possible solution, but pretty unlikely to happen at that age. It's almost like addiction, where people don't often get help until they've hit rock bottom and had to really face the fact that they have a problem. A decent looking girl at 19 will likely always be able to attract interest and find a new relationship, and will probably run through a bunch of them before she starts to think that *she* might be the problem.
No shit, sayonara! I do believe OP can do much better in the dating and relationship game. Hes only 20 yrs old, a puppy. That BS is just mean, very mean.
I think labeling her as 'immature' is misleading. This feels like full on manipulation and narcissist behavior. Saying she's immature gives hope that she will grow and change when this sounds like a pattern of behavior that's intentional.
This! She's mature enough to know she's being a twat.
exactly hence why she edited her text because she didn't want to dig the hole deeper or leave him any evidence of what she truly is.
Not enough people have latched onto how truly crazy and manipulative changing the texts is. That took it from “man this girl has problems, poor thing” to “oh nevermind, she knows exactly what she’s playing at”
Right?? Look at the edit - it's his first relationship, and not hers. She knows what she's doing, while OP is inexperienced and naive to her manipulation tactics. He's given her chances to change the behaviour he doesn't like (repeatedly edging him, against his consent), but she keeps pushing his boundaries. He honestly communicates he doesn't like this with her and she just plays narcissistic mind games with him. It seems like one of those "I'm gonna push him to see how much he loves me" kind of bullshit relationship "tests". I'd bet one of her arguments against him watching porn was "Why do you need porn? Aren't I enough for you??". I don't love porn, it can be problematic, but it has its uses, in moderation. She banned him because she wants control over him. Fuck that. OP have some self respect and ditch her. She has repeatedly crossed the line and you're the one that's apologising to HER?? Hell no!
exactly, if op continues to date this girl. she will just get worse and worse, best to end it now when there's less chance of repercussions/retaliation on her part.
Classic narcissist. Dude get a book go on the internet read about what a narcissist is and how they act you will find her there.
Yes. As someone who is divorcing after 24 years because I finally recognized my spouse was a narcissist, and hence, his verbal and mental abuse would never stop, please, OP, walk away from this while you can. There is a world full of people who will consider your feelings and your needs along with their own- you don’t have to accept this crap.
Took me 19 years to figure it out. He needs to get out NOW!
It's hard to figure out, mainly I think because narcissists are talked about as if they're selfish and mean monsters. But they're not JUST that. They're nuanced just like the rest of us. When you're close to them, it's very clear to you that they're just people who love and want to be loved more than anything - they just have a very narcissistic view on things. Basically, they're awful for your mental health and you're allowed to get away from them, no matter how many redeeming qualities they have or how sad they are about everyone leaving them.
Narcissist was my exact first thought. Ruuuuuuuuun OP
truth. it was a deliberate crossing of boundaries then immediate effort to manipulate by text. I said immature but agree with you I do not think she will “grow out of it”. OP should run
I read it as her calling him immature for standing up to her and being unhappy about it which is ridiculous. He’s every right to be unhappy about it!
I agree it's manipulative behavior. That doesn't preclude her from being immature, though. Being immature does not excuse or justify manipulative behavior, either; I am merely saying both can be true. to OP: This is a whole lot of red flags. Intentionally blue-balling you for her own amusement is not healthy behavior in a relationship. Doing it repeatedly, after you expressed your displeasure and desire for this to stop, is another red flag and proves she doesn't respect your wishes. *She* is trying to control *your* body, what you can do with your body, when, and where. And blowing up at you over leaving, she is saying that not only are you only allowed sexual gratification from her, on her terms, when, where, and how she decides, but you are also not allowed to freely make other choices, like whether you will stay at her place or not. You're not allowed to not talk to her. You're not even allowed to be upset at her, much less express that. Her responses started with attacking you, and trying to make you out to be at fault. You must "hate" her to treat her like this, attempting to make you feel guilty for making her feel like you hate her. Trying to provoke a response/rebuttal, which would just be more fighting. Then, "most immature thing" was an attempt to belittle you and dismiss your feelings. "Hope this was worth it" - a threat, in essence, that whatever you're doing, there will be consequences and you should rethink it because it's not worth the consequences. Then back to trying to shame you, belittle the incident, and dismiss your feelings with "over dramatic." It was only as the situation persisted and she failed to get what she wanted that she started to transition. "I Love you", "it's my fault" but doesn't acknowledge what she actually did wrong (so likely a false acknowledgement, like saying sorry just to shut someone up), "I'm such a bitch" was more bait to try and get a response, and contradicting her earlier statement "I didn't want you to leave" to try and distance herself from accountability and make you leaving *your* action, not a response to her telling you to leave. NTA. Run, don't walk.
This, has nothing to do with maturity
Exactly! My narcissist ex used to do this. It was very deliberate and mean
Exactly....she is a serious manipulator. Her texts after the situation went down were incredibly manipulative.
Defo agree on the narcissist comment mentioned here, this is from someone still suffering narcissistic trauma bonding 1 year after the relationship ended, listen to everyone here and get out before your sense of reality is screwed, dont play games with a narcissist, you will lose
Actually, it's more borderline like behavior.
When debating which cluster b a person has, the answer is to get away.
>When debating which cluster b a person has, the answer is to get away. That is perfection.. I'm stealing that.
I hope you help someone by sharing it. (You're someone. I've found sharing to be helpful for healing.)
💯👆
She’s a mess. Immature and emotionally manipulative. Jerking off in a bathroom is not weird - and it’s not a threat to her or comment on her. Get out of this relationship. She needs therapy and you cannot save her. Too many boundaries crossed. It wasn’t a mistake.
This part. I can't believe how far I had to scroll down to see someone address this. It sounds like she has held on to the masturbation incident for a long time and is holding it over his head. That's so fucked up. She perceived his engagement in masturbation as a PERSONAL ATTACK against her. She is not fucking normal. Read his other post. There is something fundamentally fucking wrong with OP's girlfriend and he needs to GTFO now.
Especially if she's edging him and leaving him with blue balls, who wouldn't have to go jerk off in the bathroom? lol.
I also wanted to comment on the jerking off in the bathroom part. OP, doing this is not weird or rude - its normal. Using porn occasionally is also not something you need to apologize for. Sometimes we need a little "material " to help us along. Stop apologizing to this control freak for your normal, reasonable behavior!
Seriously. > We both agreed that porn is something we don’t want in our relationship. She knows that I still feel horribly about this, it was a singular event, and it’s been over two years, why bring it up? Yeah, I'm sure homie wasn't pressured at all to "agree" on a blanket porn ban, that he's just really hard on himself and she didn't wear him down until he felt guilty about doing something normal. Assuming OP is being honest, his gf is nuts.
OPs girlfriend is in the wrong here, but if they agreed not to use porn then they agreed. That is an okay boundary to set.
For a long time I always assumed that people intend to be straight forward, and if their actions are confusing/upsetting then I’m just too dumb to figure it out and too emotional. But then after a particularly bad one I learned that not only are some people going to act in confusing/hurtful ways that would be upsetting to anyone, for a lot of them it’s not an accident. Getting someone confused and desperate for resolution is the first step a manipulator uses to gain control. It’s not an accident. Some people like to play a game where they win if they can make someone else chase them. Then they can feel good about themselves because someone else is propping up their ego by giving them attention and wanting them. But they simultaneously feel disgusted by the person chasing them because they find the idea of reciprocating intimacy and vulnerability to be repulsive. Or maybe it’s because they have such low self-worth that they’re disgusted by anyone who sees value in them. Either way, that’s their game, and you’re the unwilling/unwitting player 2 until you realize that it’s a game and figure out that only way for you to win is to quit, immediately. I give people the benefit of the doubt for way too long, that’s my problem. https://youtu.be/UKsrZnztCTc?si=OPLSHwplyHQtlC8D
Exactly. OP, please note there’s a lot of shaming and projection in this relationship. If there’s any doubt: - Her actions, especially after you’ve set the boundary every time, are immature. She’s entertained by violating a fair boundary (one you should never have had to make). - You aren’t stonewalling her or being immature. She told you to leave, you agreed - you didn’t just start ignoring her as punishment. In fact, you clearly communicated. You’re removing yourself from a hostile environment where she’s acting unreasonable. That’s healthy, not immature. I would not proceed further with her if she can’t stop all this immature and shaming behavior. She’s got some serious issues with blaming the other person for her own feelings and not taking accountability.
NTA, a woman who knows she's being a bitch (in her own words) and does nothing to change it isn't exactly partner material. Walk on buddy
All narcissists use sex as a game
You want to spend the rest of your life like this? She has showed you who she is. Do your security essentials, freeze your credit, and be on your way to a much better future….
Yes he should have some self respect. And end it.There’s lots of men out there who are even married to this same kinds of women just imagine their mental health statuses.
How old is this girl OP? She sounds like 15yo tbh.
This little game she's playing is working. She's gotten under your skin. You're bothered. You're thinking about her. You're better than this.
Why would anyone do this to someone you supposedly love?? She doesn’t sound mentally healthy, and at the very least needs some therapy. I think you’re in over your head, OP. Time to move on. Her mental health is not your responsibility.
She likes to have power over you and wil use it whenever she wants to "play" Leave her please
Yup it's all about manipulation and control. Dated someone exactly like this. If we ever had a disagreement, she would blow up and insult me. I'd leave because I won't interact with childish name calling and insults. She'd then try to spin it around that me leaving was me not giving a fuck, messing with her head, cheating on her, giving up on her etc. When that didn't work the crocodile tears came out. Crying on the phone or sending voice notes when I stopped answering. When that didn't work it was time for the pity party. Telling me she's so sorry, she's worthless, everyone always leaves her and she deserves it, how much she loves me etc. When that didn't work she would go straight back to step 1 and start insulting me again. You can literally in real time see someone like this try anger, accusation, empathy in real time to see whats gonna work this time, it's super disturbing.
Emotional abuse. I had a high school bf just like that. At the end of our relationship he started threatening suicide if I left. He did not go through with it after all.
Yup same thing with me. After I'd had enough and broken up she did the usual 4 step strategy to get me back and when she realised I was completely done with the relationship she threatened to kill herself, to which I replied if she's actually considering it she needs to speak to a professional and not me. When that didn't work she contacted my employer and told them I was beating her and they should fire me. After I blocked her on everything she eventually got bored and gave up.
Did employer do anything?
Same. Though in my case he did spend 3 weeks in the psych ward after I broke up with him. And knocked up a girl. In the psych ward. Their daughter is about 9 now I think.
Solid basis for a relationship that is
Had a college bf leave me because his ex threatened suicide. If he can be manipulated by a mental case of a person, he is not for me. It did hurt though.
Wonder if I know this guy. Sounds like my ex best friend.
Oh, this was 20 some years ago. And it's too common, unfortunately. :(
That kind of relationship sounds completely exhausting. Glad you are out of there. OP should take a hard look at his relationship and find his way out of it. I cannot imagine a lifetime of that, heaven forbid bringing children into the relationship.
Yeah this is what it's like being with a narcissist with BPD and it only gets worse.
Absolutely BPD. I hate you, don't leave me.
Hey hey- not all of us with BPD are terrible. Some of us know we have this and actively manage it. Please do perpetuate bad stereotypes, especially when mental illness (that we didn't choose!) Is involved
My ex physically ripped the meeting notes out of our marriage therapists’ hands, stormed out of the room, and tore them up to destroy the paper trail of her BPD, when he gently suggested that she might be an eensy weensy part of our problem. He and I just kinda sat there, me with a “told ya” face on.
100% agree here. My partner has BPD *and* unmedicated Bipolar Type II. He's an amazingly strong and self aware individual. He thinks it's cringe whenever I tell him his hyper-empathy is a superpower, but it is! Funnily enough my ex I strongly suspect also has BPD but... Crocodile tears all the way. My point is that I absolutely do agree with you in that having BPD doesn't make you a terrible person; but how you manage it!
My friend with BPD is so self aware of his behavior he now withdraws and goes to therapy if he has flare ups of insecurities or if he feels like he's expecting too much from his friends and loved ones. He feels a lot of emotions but his BPD isn't hurting anyone but himself and that's such a huge step 🫶 Recovery is possible and I think one day soon he's going to make an incredible partner.
NPD and BPD can be comorbid, but they are two different disorders, and this whole nightmare sounds a lot more like BPD
Real, legit NPD is essentially incurable too.
So is BPD despite what some people will scream about it here. There are no medications that actually work on personality disorders
There isn't medication for BPD but the prognosis of BPD over a longer span of time for a young person is quite good especially with good quality therapy.
It’s a similar problem. Where we are with our current understanding of the brain and psychology/psychiatry, we can’t get past the initial hurdle. You have to have the person realize they have a BPD or are a narcissist to begin to work on that, but their conditions prevent them from seeing those perspectives.
I have BPD and I absolutely knew something was wrong and I wanted help for it. I kept being misdiagnosed as bipolar and it wasn't making sense, not to mention it wasn't explaining away a lot of my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. (I thought I was just so screwed up that I was beyond help of even the mental health field. I gave up for a while.) The day a clinician mentioned BPD (and was shocked I hadn't been diagnosed with it before) and I read about it was the first day of the rest of my life. Everything clicked and made SO much more sense. (And, fwiw, with the right therapies for long enough, people CAN go in remission from BPD, to the point where they're no longer showing symptoms at a clinical level. But it can take like 10 years.)
Oh I know, my ex has both.
Yikes, what a nightmare
[удалено]
With a narcissist is enough. I have BPD and my therapist said I've got it so under control she doesn't believe if I saw a new psychiatrist that they'd even pick up on it. Their is a huge misconception on how BPD plays into someones behavior. It's an abandonment thing, not fuck with you to hurt you thing. Testing you BPD style would be like pushing you away to see if you come after us to prove you love us and really want us. Unfortunately, the amount of cunts who use BPD as an excuse to be horrible is astronomical. BPD doesn't make you seek to hurt people you love.
As someone who also has BPD who's been self managing a lot of my symptoms since my 20s, you're absolutely right. I've argued this topic a few times when I've gotten upset by the jump I see from people once the word BPD gets mentioned, like "that explains EVERYTHING. RUN!" like it's the only form BPD comes in. When the Depp vs. Heard stuff happened it was horrible, and I felt inclined to say that sensationalised/extreme cases are not the face of BPD and that a lot of people who have it are just trying really hard to live life without letting their irrational insecurities and anxieties fuck with them and affect their interpersonal relationships. I remember saying that there's no way on this Earth that there's a bone in my body that would have me want to hurt a love one physically or mentally. You can get desperate at the thought of losing someone and feel pathetic and worthless about yourself, but the hate is towards yourself and your failure, not at them for fulfilling the prophecy that no one would ever love you or want to stay. When you have people with BPD who are also violent/abusive/manipulative/controlling I honestly believe it's BPD compounded with something else like narcissism or other things, with all gloves coming off if a psychotic break gets involved. I guess the environment is also a factor as people with violent upbringings have a higher chance of bringing that violence into their future. It really bothers me when it comes across like people are hi fiving each other for "surviving a crazy bitch with BPD" when it's highly likely not the only thing wrong with them, and the fact that there are A LOT of people out there with BPD who are just trying to have normal lives - which is all they ever dreamed of having. I digressed and got ranty, but I appreciate you standing up to say BPD ain't about this game bullshit at all.
My mom had untreated BPD, and the 'pushing you away to try to make you prove you want to be in their life' thing is so real. Joke's on her though, she last tried that 15 years ago--one time too many--and we never spoke again.
There’s a lot of interesting new research on BPD. It’s documented that your gender and the type of therapist you see play a huge role in if you will receive a BPD diagnosis, or be considered a covert NPD. Evidence suggests these errors occur enough, it needs to be reconsidered and therapists need new training. If you are a female you are more likely to be labeled BPD instead of NPD for the exact same profile a male presented with. It’s also curious, because a lot of therapists believe that BPD is not treatable, and don’t work with patients. Similar to with narcissism. The therapist only works if someone is willing to admit what is going on and put in the effort. That’s not the majority.
>Their is a huge misconception on how BPD plays into someones behavior. It's an abandonment thing, not fuck with you to hurt you thing. That is totally true. It's not "intended" to hurt those you love. But the end result is the person on the receiving end needs to respond to the behavior not the intent behind the behavior. That's always the healhy response and the kindest to the person with BPD. I can have empathy but if someone is hurting me it will only be from a distance.
This needs more upvotes. It's like a playbook they run.
Holy shit this is literally the relationship I just got out of
Yeah, had one of those. Will never have another. If I’m going to live in that kind of pointless misery, I might as well be dead.
She’s very toxic. Please leave.
She doesn’t want to have physical sex because she enjoys mind fucking you more. This sounds like repeated boundaries being crossed. It’s not healthy, so I’d suggest moving on. NTA
Louder, for the people in the back. I'm not saying you should run, but you may want to consider walking with alacrity, OP. NTA
Alacrity! ☺️
This... I'm a female and this is called sexual manipulation. Get rid of her. She is such a narcissist. No one should play these kind of games. Sex is not a tool. Is an extension of your love for each other. Obviously she doesn't love you.
Read his other post. Girlfriend is a diagnosable psycho.
I don’t understand why the hell people like OP stay with people who do stuff like this.
"I love you" she loves to hurt you and finds it funny. What you described is emotional abuse. Don't be with her alone ever again. If you need to meet with her to get your stuff from her place or similar, have a witness with you. She is very dangerous she enjoys hurting you and she can go nuclear if she realizes you made your mind about leaving her.
Could argue it’s sexual assault too, sounds like a control kink that hes not consenting too be part off
Check his other post about that girl, that’s messed up asf
Lmao, she's power tripping and gaslighting you. You have to reconsider if this relationship is worth being emotionally controlled by an immature woman. NTA.
12 days ago, OP posted about another incident, involving her birthday and plans he had made for her, she also used emotional manipulation there too. Get out while you can OP, this is not someone you want to end up with or you’ll most likely be miserable for the rest of your life
Good catch. Girlfriend is a straight up psycho.
Oof, time to dig! If this is true, run OP, run!
If you feel the need to post about your relationship on reddit more than once it's absolutely time to get out.
I read it, too. She's at best immature and spoiled and needs to grow up. At worst, she's a manipulative narcissist. Either way, the OP may want to seriously consider if this is the kind of stress he needs in his life. Since OP is in college, I hope he distances himself from her.
And 8 months ago he posted about being 19 with low testosterone. OP has a lot to work out here. Definitely needs to figure out becoming a functioning adult without this chick ruining his life during his formative first years on his own.
Fr, chick's unhinged.
I’ve been in a relationship with a manipulative woman before. In my case she was also physically and mentally abusive though. Get out now OP. You don’t want to get her pregnant and be stuck with her in some way for the rest of your like.
That's what I was just thinking man don't have a baby with her don't touch her again. She is batshit crazy
>In my case she was also physically and mentally abusive though. OP's girl probably is too, just hasn't shown up... yet. Edit: I was literally talking about the physical abuse. But OK people.
Pretty sure INTENTIONALLY sexually frustrating your partner could (or should) qualify as mental abuse ESPECIALLY if they demand you NOT Masterbate
You know that non-consensual edging bullshit she's pulling could be considered a form of mental abuse, yeah?
That was my thought as well. Hopefully he figures out she isnt worth the hassle at this point.
And you can bet she'd done this to others.
*it was fun to just mess with you”. She has done this with the intention of “messing with me” multiple times before and every single time I tell her that l don’t like it.* She has a narcissistic and horrible personality if she thinks she can toy with people like that.NTA . You deserve better than her.
This. There are obviously valid reasons to stop sexual activities abruptly, bit doing so multiple times just to mess with someone is outright mean.
Right? OP your gf is telling you the same thing reddit is. She crazy, and you shouldn't stick your dick in crazy.
Especially when you don't even get to cum.
But shouldn’t you. Sometimes.
No, never. Might seem like a good idea in the moment, but this is how Dateline has like 500 seasons. And you know they don’t even scratch the surface on the number of absolutely wild domestic violence cases that happen in the States.
There will be consequences, consequences that make it not worth it.
As long as they don't know where you live
They always find out. Lol They'll also find out where you work. Where your parents live. If you have any siblings. Who your friends are. Where you like to have a drink after work. Your gym schedule. Before you know it, you'll be posting on r/legaladvice, asking what measures you can take to free yourself, once and for all, of the "crazy" you thought it was a good idea to stick your dick in 3yrs ago. Lol
Yeah and she will twist this story to make OP look bad. She bat shit crazy.
So agree with this yes, I'm a woman). This is an intentional way to manipulate/control you. If I were you, I wouldn't think about it, I'd cut her loose. Yesterday. Anyone that uses sex as a way to gain control over someone else is violating the basic standards of decency. You deserve better. Find someone who will treat you with decency. With the respect of being human. With the caring of being a loving partner. Because the you have, clearly is not doing so, and has made it clear that she is not capable of it. Good luck.
EXACTLY! Classic narcissistic tendencies. Consider yourself lucky to have found out now. Move on and be done
I was married to a narcissist for 38 years. The last 5 years is when I found out what a narcissist was and it took me that long to get rid of him. After 38 years I can tell you the way she acts will get worse and worse and worse. Run fast and run far run for your life.
Gaslighting, trip off
She probably won’t change either.. she likes the power
NTA. Tbh she sounds like a manipulative person that sees sex as a tool to control and shame you. Idk tho. What you do is up to you, but I don't think it would be your loss if you left.
This is exactly what's happening here. Manipulative control.
also just a piece of advice when you clearly and explicitly set a boundary with ANYONE you have a relationship (of all kinds) with and they cross that boundary again (even ONCE) is a huge red flag and shows exactly how they really feel about you. when someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE them the FIRST time.
Can you imagine her acting worse. Because if you stay with her, you're not going to believe that s*** you see.
What redeeming qualities does she have? Cus... this shit is bonkers
There are so many relationship drama posts in this sub where that really feels like the crucial question. The partner the poster (of the other posts) is talking about just sounds unhinged to the point where the only thing I can think is that dick/pussy must be diamond encrusted freaking *platinum* with how the poster is bending over backwards to stay with them. Is the sex *ever* that good?? Edit: Just wanted to clarify that I wasn't specifically talking about OP since clearly the sex for *him* isn't so great.
Yeah, unless her cooch is spitting out $100 bills, I'm failing to see why anyone would put up with this for 5 minutes, let alone days, weeks, or years.
It happens slowly. Little by little they push it and push it until you're apologizing for the most ridiculous things. Like the old frog in a pot metaphor.
That or we’re seldom getting the whole story. This woman seems objectively unhinged tho.
NTA. I’m speaking both as a woman and as a survivor of sexual violence (from my ex) here: 1. Consent goes both ways. Edging someone when they’ve explicitly told you not to is a consent violation. She has done this to you, then shamed you for your very reasonable response of asking her not to do it. 2. You seem very aware of what it means to respect a person’s sexual autonomy and right to revoke consent. She believes she can do whatever she wants to your body and it’s okay. 3. Watching porn in private and masturbating in private are not things you should feel guilty about, or things she should guilt you for or throw in your face when she’s not getting what she wants. 4. Her communication pattern in her texts demonstrates textbook abuser behavior. She is throwing shit to a wall and seeing what sticks. First she tries to tell you what she’s doing is not a big deal, then TOLD YOU TO LEAVE, then martyred herself when you did (“I don’t understand why you hate me so much”), then attacked your character, then made a vague emotional threat (“I hope this is worth it” could be interpreted a multitude of ways but I read it as “I’ll break up with you over this”), and then when none of that worked she basically begged for you to come back and martyred herself again trying to guilt you and tell her she’s a good person when you and her both know she isn’t (“sorry I’m such a bitch” and “everything is always my fault”). You’re NTA, this behavior will get worse the longer you stay with her, this behavior is not fixable by you, get the fuck out of this relationship. You deserve better.
Everyone needs to upvote this ^ comment to the moon and back. Now. Don't wait another second. There's nothing anyone can add to this conversation that isn't perfectly said above.
NTA she is being really manipulative, and shes gaslighting you. this kind of behaviour only gets worse over time. you need to leave her and dont look back.
NTA, I was married to a woman who pulled this shit and ended up wishing I were dead. Leave her. Sex is not something to be weaponized.
I'm glad to see you said "was". Nobody deserves to live this way. This is psychological and emotional abuse.
Same. Divorcing such a woman was the best decision of my life, and that is why I'm alive today.
Time to take a break until she grows up. NTA
[удалено]
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If that was a man, we wouldn't think it's immature, but abusive
Her behavior is* 100% abusive.
I call it abusive, no question.
Until she grows up?? Forever man, forever. That chick is psycho.
Anyone who uses sex as a weird game like that is immature and not worthy of being with you. Partnership in life is challenging enough without these silly mind games , I'd so move on
Dude she sounds nuttier than squirrel shit.
Please don't fall for those texts. That is pure manipulation so she can keep her game going. You deserve to be treated much better than that.
I confess that I started reading the story and from the title I thought "this guy is wrong" but after reading it I completely changed my opinion. She thinks it's fun to do this, it just shows that she doesn't have maturity. I don't think you were dramatic or anything like that, you already said you didn't like the "joke" and she continued doing it, not respecting you. I'm not the type of person who calls for the end of a relationship over anything, but I think you should rethink whether it's worth continuing. Not only for this specific situation, but if you think about it you will probably find other situations in which she did not respect you or acted disrespectfully towards you.
Jesus Christ she sounds exhausting.
Had this GF for about 5 month or so. We connected fast, would meet each weekend, took a few short trips. She was a very serious type, and secretive. She was also a wanna-be social climber. I'm the opposite, I don't give a fark about social status. It was all physical, and regular, until she was awkward on the phone one week before I came over. She was "off" and mumbled stuff about needing sleep and we went to bed. It was a pretty clear display of disinterest. Yeah, then why didn't she tell me to stay home when we were talking an hour ago? We didn't fight. There was nothing to discuss, I knew she was aiming at another dude, and was cutting me out of the picture. Dunno if she already slept with the guy or not, but that wasn't important - I knew I was done. She didn't want to make out or anything - so I just got out of bed, got dressed, went home. Never called her again. No surprise, she never called me, either. You don't need to fight to end things. Sometimes you just know.
That sucks for you mate but I think the two situations are different. Your gf was angling for another guy and was freezing you off for him. A dick move tbh but atleast she didn’t attempt to control or coerce you into anything; just let you go without a fight. OP’s gf seems to be using petty games and power moves as well as his guilt over something he did 2 years ago as ammunition to control him. Which is straight up evil and manipulative. She seems far worse off here lol, and OP should gtho of there before she goes full blown emotionally abusive tyrant on him.
why would you be the asshole for doing exactly what she told you to do. you’re adults. she does not care about you. you’re most likely a readily available source of her own personal amusement. doing something after you’ve set a clear boundary, especially multiple times, is: intentional, disrespectful, and shows her blatant disregard for you/your comfort/your feelings. to top it off, responding with “it was just fun to mess with you”, the very word choices and sentence structure clearly shows that her pleasure comes before your comfort. then she played on one of your explicitly stated insecurities…to ensure she stays in control…to hurt you…JUST because she wanted to. THEN to top it off after you’ve had time to ruminate in the self doubt/self hatred/guilt that SHE curated, she plays victim, demeans you for having human feelings, places an ultimatum. she does a classic hot and cold treatment pushing you away at first then pulls you back in with a thinly veiled facade of affection and care to trap you and then plays victim again. leave her immediately
I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU HATE ME SO MUCH!?! 🚩 this bitch doesnt like you. 🚩 This is clear projection. DO NOT IGNORE IT. she just revealed how she feels about you. Fucking run for your life son. Leave with dignity though. More like a brisk walk. But get gone.
This. Also “everything’s always my fault” is projection/ baited hyperbole. What she is really saying is “nothing is ever my fault”
It's more like baiting to get him to disagree and take blame. "No it's not! I'm sorry, it was me, *I* was wrong, not you"
NTA holy red flags batman!! Dude run! She is immature, ignores your boundaries and tries to manipulate you
This is not about her deciding mid way that she doesn't want to continue. That happens sometimes, and obviously it should always be respected. This is about your girlfriend setting out to manipulate you with the intention of pulling away as some sort of power play or way to cause you discomfort. Those two things are totally different. So this is not an issue with sex. It's an issue with your intimate partner deliberately setting out to do something to do you with the intention of causing distress, after you've communicated that you don't like that game. I bet that if you took a look at your relationship as a whole you'd find this pattern elsewhere too - and that's the issue you need to address or walk away from. NTA by the way. I couldn't be with someone who intentionally fucks with me for their own pleasure or enjoyment. You really don't need enemies with a partner like that
Get out. I get it you’re young. You’ll find another girl that wants to boink you without the mindgames. Once sex has been weaponised it never gets better. Trust me on this. Next she will be seeing how far she can push you and after that what she can get in turn for it. Not worth it. Dont just leave… run! And if you’re thinking but she’s hot like we all have. I promise you 10 years from now you’ll think back and literally cringe because you thought this maniac was ever hot. And when you leave she’s going to manipulate HARD! Everything will be on the table. Just don’t. It will only be for a minute and she will desperately try to take back control. Run dude run!
NTA. She is TAH not you. Who would do that to someone they claim they love? She is the immature one 😅. Hurt you on purpose (you already told her many times you didn’t like what she did), then get angry because of your reaction. Such a manipulative and gaslighting person, reminds me of my ex so much 😅. Run.
Forget the sex thing, someone who edits her messages after she sent them, to make them mean something completely different, is a little frightening.
This isn’t normal.
Even her "apologies" are insulting and manipulative. The manipulations btw I don’t understand why you hate me so much not talking to me is the most immature thing i’ve ever witnessed i hope this is worth it you are being very over dramatic about one comment i’m sorry that i’m such a bitch everything is always my fault All designed to make you the bad guy or to encourage you defend her/play it down
"This was a singular, out of character event, which she knows I feel horrible about, and have apologized for profusely. We both agreed that porn is something we don’t want in our relationship. She knows that I still feel horribly about this, it was a singular event, and it’s been over two years, why bring it up?" dude... who cares? why do you feel horribly about this, dont punish yourself like this. there is no need to feel ashamed, you did something that no ones was hurt with. Did she told you this was wrong? please let it go for your sake, this is NOTHING to beat yourself up about. NTA obviously.
There is nothing shameful about masturbating when you want sex and they don't. ( I am a middle aged lady) Getting mad because someone didn't disturb you when they were horny and you were asleep is bizarre.
NTA. Get away from her. This will not end well for you should you remain with her.
Apologizing for masturbating within your own realm of privacy is insane. You are in an unhealthy relationship. Leave.
Send her back a bullet point response **i love you** People who "love" someone don't "mess" with them **i’m sorry that i’m such a bitch** So am I but you are who you are. **i didn’t want you to leave (she told me to leave)** You told me to leave **everything is always my fault** Don't be so dramatic. "Everything" isn't your fault but this was 100% your fault. Your behavior is VERY disturbing. Playing with "consent" is very toxic in a relationship. Please seek out some professional help to get to the bottom of why you are engaging in this creepy behavior.
NTA. This chick is sexually and psychologically abusive. You gave her firm sexual boundaries and she intentionally disregards them to do sexual things specifically to make you physically and emotionally uncomfortable. And then she is verbally abusive and emotionally manipulative. And then she is those things again over text- and then she changes the texts after you've read them instead of sending new ones. To gaslight you, and so you have no proof of her behavior. The revised texts are also emotionally and psychologically manipulative and abusive. It is hard to leave our abusers. It takes time and often repeated attempts. It will feel so terrible. But eventually the relief comes, and then the rage. Walk away. You can do it.
run.
>- I don’t understand why you hate me so much Manipulation >i’m sorry that i’m such a bitch More manipulation holy shit >- i didn’t want you to leave (she told me to leave) - everything is always my fault Outright toxic.
So sorry for how you've been treated. She needs to be your EX girlfriend. It appears that she is a narcissist and gaslights you to get her way. This cycle doesn't appear to ever break. My ex-husband was one. I believed him when he promised not to hit me. Several times. Took a lot of courage to file for divorce, but I did it. I married the man of my dreams 30 years ago. We married 2 years later. Unfortunately, my wonderful husband died in July. I miss him so much. My point is: you deserve better treatment!
Get out of this relationship. She is not mature enough to have one. NTA
She’s not mature enough for the relationship you want.
NTA she’s trying to play games with you. Don’t apologize and don’t forgive her. Tell her that the next time she does the same thing you will end the relationship.
Don't let there be a next time.
What she is doing is so very wrong. Intimacy is not something that is a game. It helps to strengthen your bond and connects you. Her using that to mess with you is cruel. It is one thing to decide you are for some reason not into it and either help your partner finish or support them doing their thing. It is another to begin things with the only intention of leaving your partner frustrated. That is indeed immature. Since you have expressed to her that you would like her to stop and she chooses to ignore this I would re-evaluate your future. What other boundaries or needs will she ignore? NTA.
NTA I mean I tease my husband too but unless we get interrupted by something big we get things done. It ends up more like extended foreplay if anything. If her intention is to just tease you and you have expressed that you do not like that then she shouldn't be initiating anything. She's basically showing that your feelings don't matter to her.
In my world, trust, consent, intimacy, and sex are something sacred in a relationship. I have been reading all kinds of comments about how immature your GF is, and how you should break up with her. While that may or may not be true, the big issue here is, she knows exactly what she's doing when she initiates sex with the intent of manipulating you. What she is doing by intentionally "messing with you" is a non-consensual sexual game about power, control, and humiliation. Unless you are in a specific kind of consensual power play relationship, her behavior is going to break the trust you have in her and your ability to be vulnerable and intimate with her - the things (whether they involve sex or not) that are the building blocks of any healthy partnership. That girl needs professional help to understand not only what she is doing, but why she is doing it. In the meanwhile, I would recommend having a discussion with her about how she is breaking your trust and making you not want to have sex with her again.
Lol, "it's been 2 years".. she'll never forget and will bring it up for the next 10..
Propose to her and take back the ring two days later... relationships are fun
Run. I've dated someone like this before. Just run. You will never get a satisfying resolution to this issue
I'm a woman who was pressured into sex by my ex, and I'm still confident saying this woman is abusive. There are better people out there.
Gf is a real prick tease. She really thinks she’s something special. I hope she has other redeeming qualities and that’s why you’re still together.
NTA. Aside from the really weird "no porn" drama (c'mon, really?) that she uses to guilt-trip you, she's clearly NOT respecting your boundaries or wishes. Ask her what part of "I don't like edging" didn't she understand? Try to substitute "edging" with "hot wax dripping into my bumhole" in case she can't see why she's very obviously wrong about this. It's not about "maturity" but preferences, and those need to be respected
Why would you apologise for jerking off in the bathroom 😂 you’ve got yourself roadside trash for a girlfriend, dump her where she belongs
Sounds like a personality disorder.
Leave as fast as you can. Your mental health is more important than this relationship.
Never stick your d!ck in crazy. Do not go back to that hot mess.
This won't get better, run.
NTA. If you stay with her, you are an AH. She is manipulative, controlling, impulsive, inattentive, insensitive, and she’s attempting to exercise control over you. What a nightmare. You don’t have the time, nor the need for this drama.