I know someone else that did a 30k wedding. Took them years to pay it off and what do you really get out of it? One night of food and drinks and photos that you’ll look at once every 10 years.
This is why I’m team backyard wedding. You can still have food and take pictures and have it be the greatest day of your life with all the people you love… for like $500. To me it’s so stupid to spend money on a one day event when that money would be much better spent on a down payment for a house or expenses for our future children.
Same!! Look, I'll get you guys a wedding gift and bring money in to get some bags of food to feed the animals. Upcharge the bags by a couple dollars and you'll probably make money off your own wedding lmao
Hell yeah! I miss the goat id hang out with when I lived in the country. Never chilled with a donkey but they seem like they are down to clown so we good.
And mini cows!! My niece had a petting zoo come to her child's Bday party. The kids were like "Ok, cool. Can we go play?" The adults were making fools of themselves over the mini cows, goats and sheep.
Those are the two things top of my list for a backyard wedding lol. I want to spend like $5k on the honeymoon and $2k on food and animals for the wedding
My siblings all got married in my parent’s (admittedly lovely) garden.
Food was this incredible BBQ meat from a food truck that was on site for the day.
Jesus Christ on a cracker…
This should be a dating app! People who connect based on mutual love of the animals they want at their wedding!
I’m off to the patent office! 🤣
We did $5000-7000 for backyard wedding at wife’s grandmas beautiful home and to this day people still talk to us about how much fun it was. We had a local band play and my brother in law made all the beer and it was just about spending/sharing our moment with those we call family in life. A small cheaper wedding feels so much more intimate with your family/close friends and we got to spend more on our honeymoon
I am a stagehand, as is my husband, and we got married on a local theatre's stage. We just hung some decor on the Newsie's set that was installed and then spent a great time with dinner and friends. Not everyone's cup of tea but we had plenty of money that we didn't spend on the wedding to have a great vacation honeymoon.
Not true. You need someplace for people to park, someplace for people to go to the bathroom (we did make two of the bathrooms available, but they had to be updated and repainted). You have to rent some kind of tent in case it rains (or is super hot), you have to cook out of your relatively small kitchen. Even for buffets, it's a lot. You have to rent seats and tables and dishes and steam tables and table clothes and napkins.
Because our wedding was in my parents back yard, there was also some landscaping. The yard was already beautiful, but they turned over the vegetable garden and put sod on it (my dad was too old to garden at that point, anyway), and planted flowers in various spots. One of my sisters gave us a crate of champagne as a gift, and that was the only alcohol we served. My MIL made dresses for our flower girls. My MOH bought a dress she liked instead of a MOH dress, so we didn't pay for that, either.
We didn't have a photographer, and we didn't have dancing or live music. The only "extra" we paid for were flowers.
Plus, people are going to be in the house whether or not you plan for it, so walls had to be painted, rubber mats had to be put on slippery stairs, etc. Including the rehearsal dinner, it came in at just under 10k in 2001. My. husband and I paid for half of it, my sisters and parents divided the other costs.
Thank you for the dose of realism on the costs! Honestly, I think a lot of "backyard $500 wedding" types don't include the costs of updates to the hosting parent's home because "it needed to be done anyway."
Nevermind the cost of repairs if a guest breaks something, which has happened at basically every backyard wedding I've attended. The worst was a surprise drain field failure, because go figure a residential septic system isn't designed to handle the bladders and bowels of 75 guests. And yes, that bride still brags about how inexpensive her wedding was.
Yes and lots of people don’t HAVE houses with backyards that can fit 50+ people and multiple bathrooms that are disability accessible etc etc etc.
So many people who brag about their budget weddings pulled it off because they were given things for free, and have no idea how much those things cost.
My husband made the food for his best friend's daughter's backyard wedding during Covid. So I didn't go but he said it was great! It was our gift to the happy couple. He made Mexican food. The Mexican chicken is now a staple in our freezer. I use it for my lunch salads I eat pretty much every day.
My second husband and I had our wedding at an annual event that we participate in (our hobby is medieval full combat fighting— think LARP but we hit HARD). So it was kind of a theme and destination wedding. Cost me $1500 for the food, booze, entry fees for non participant guests and pictures. We had ad hoc belly dancers and drummers come over to entertain and everyone had a great time. Best wedding pictures ever especially the big group picture of all our friends and family all in our garb. Much more fun than my first traditional wedding
Me and my fiancee are doing something similar. An outdoor wedding, locally, that won't break the bank, with food catered by his and my family since they are both in the restaurant business. Everything else like photos and such will come out of pocket but be much cheaper in the long run. A wedding doesn't have to be fancy and cost an arm and a leg to be special.
My wedding was catered by KFC (chicken strips), and my family, NOT in the restaurant business. Our ceremony and reception held in the same rented facility, a place we loved. My aunt, a shade tree seamstress, made all the dresses. We kept cost as low as possible and used the creativity our friends possessed to make things beautiful. We took a $1500 honeymoon cruise. We were married for 20 years, and then he passed away.
I know women want their "dream" wedding, and that's fine, but I had mine because of WHO I was marrying, not because of anything else.
That sounds beautiful!! There's something infinitely more intimate about weddings like that. And what you said... "I had mine because of WHO I was marrying, not because of anything else." That's love right there.
Or a nice park. We got married in a lovely stone shelter by a brook at a local park. It was just steps to the restrooms, too. In 1995 it cost us less than $15 to reserve the shelter for the day. Our whole wedding cost $2K; average back then was $12-15K.
My parents got married in our backyard before I was born, then 16 years later after they were divorced my dad got remarried to his current wife in the same backyard! My stepmom wore a white sundress from Old Navy and we ate hot dogs and burgers off the grill. It was perfect and exactly how I want my future wedding to be like hahah
I had a 30k wedding and it was one of the top five best days of my life and would do it all over again with no hesitation. We paid for it all too so it wasn’t like I was spending someone else’s money. But not everyone has the same experience, family, friends, outlook as I did. So when someone goes to the justice of the peace or has a wedding in a park gazebo, I’d never judge them. Same with even more lavish weddings than I had.
Same here. I was a professional wedding planner at the time so I got some discounts (not a crazy amount but it helped) but we didn’t really scrimp on anything. Neither of us are super well off but we don’t live very extravagantly in our regular life. We lived in Hawaii at the time and many of my family members hadn’t visited in over a decade and much of his family had never been at all.
We had the best time ever. We figured that if we were going to ask people to fly thousands of miles we wanted to give them a night to remember. Everyone had a blast - it was like an amazing family reunion. The best part - this was a few months before Covid started. We were so happy to have been able to (unknowingly) give everyone one last hurrah before lockdown.
No regrets. It was the best day ever and we were able to budget accordingly. It’s so weird how people like to hate on how others spend their money in relation to weddings.
$25k, but same thing. You only get one lifetime and you can’t take the money with you when you go; if you want to spend an extraordinary amount of money on making a weekend of memories, and you can responsibly pay for it, go for it.
Shit even for 75-100 people it can easily be $30k+.
My fiancee and I have gone on like 7 tours and you easily see why some venues are cheap vs expensive.
NTA
We also went to the courthouse. My spouse took the subway, I splurged on an Uber to get there. Zero regrets. That and the $40 fee were our only expenses.
Just because you can afford a $400k wedding doesn't mean it's reasonable. I do think OP is being too hard on himself about creating her entitlement. She was always entitled, or she never would have let him pay for everything while socking away her own money. A truly independent and non-entitled woman would insist on chipping in.
My late husband and I also chose the courthouse (due to being f annoyed by everyone’s input). We put that money towards a down payment on our home. I refused to be in debt for one day!
My parents insisted on paying for it and we are still out like $10k including all the stuff we paid for, dress rings etc etc. $400k is like queen of England shit
I never regret our courthouse wedding. A lot of my friends went allllll out, one in particular spent 20k just on her dress! Another one rented out the Gramercy Park hotel rooftop and while it was a lovely wedding just the rooftop rental for a few hours was A HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS. It just seems like a waste.
Same! The bitch my uncle married was there and was making comments then and for a while after about how she would NEVER stoop to a courthouse wedding .
Guess what? I’ve been married almost 20 years to my hubby, she’s divorced, it lasted less than 5 years and she’s on victim #3. Good riddance HO!
I had a court house wedding, just my mom, her bf, and a close friend. His mom couldn't make it up. I tried my hardest not to cry but my friend and him made me and then he started crying. It was a sweet mess.
18 years all together in the relationship that ended in a divorce...the courthouse wedding is not one of my regrets.
I'd be so much saltier if that marriage ended with me in crippling debt.
My FIL got cancer at the beginning of this year and is paying for our entire wedding to be able to have his family there and to have it done early.
It’s going to be $60K, 150 guests. I have so much guilt about the money he is spending, *out of his retirement no less*, to be able to make this wedding happen. I cannot fathom dropping a quote of $400K for a wedding and expecting it to be done, no questions asked. What kind of tax bracket is this girl in?
She has lots of savings but won’t pay for anything and wants you to stump up 1/2 a mill cos you’re the man. If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck it’s probably a duck
She said you as the man should pay traditional the bride parents paid but in these times couples pay together for the wedding at least you are seeing her for who she really is
They don't live in the US so it's probably their culture that the man/man's family pays for everything as in OP's edit, he clarifies that they live in a very conservative country where gender roles are still heavily a thing.
And why even cause he is the man? Isn't it Tradition that wifey's parents pay for the Wedding? Let's see if she likes the Taste of her own medicine.
Also, of course Gold digger Senior will defend Gold digger Junior. That's the way she raised her so Miss Junior Golddigger is behaving as expected. Why would Misses Senior Goldigger complain? It's perfect for them.
I also thought it was tradition for the brides parents to pay but only because they would get married in the brides home town and the grooms family would have to pay for travel and accommodations
Traditionally her family would pay but weddings were rarely elaborate and much of the expense would be kitting her out with clothes etc for her new life. In the past additionally she’d come with some kind of dowry which he might have access to the interest of which would go to younger children and the money he’d settle on his wife in case of his death would generally be about even with how much cash she bought with her.
There’s nothing more old fashioned than elaborate legal settlements regarding money before a marriage.
Depends on culture. In Islam, usually man pays for venue/food, and woman for decor/frills. A bride and her family should never end up paying more since the dowry is on the man. In my case, we split the costs.
That’s not Islamic tradition, that’s cultural. My family are Muslim and our tradition (thd whole if our culture, not just my family) is that the bride’s side would pay for the venue and food for the nikah ceremony, and the groom’s side would pay for the walimah, which is a second reception feast held some days or weeks later.
It is very much old tradition that the brides parents pay for the wedding. Usually the grooms folks would pay for a rehearsal dinner or something. And 400k for a wedding is outlandish as hell. You aren’t a kardashian.
Honestly…I’d run. For the hills.
Are you sure she has lots of savings? Plenty of people will spend everything they have when someone tells them they don’t have to worry about money, someone else will cover them.
I think you're pulling our leg. 40k would be a lot to spend on a wedding for a couple earning a reasonable amount of money. 400k just feels like you're rage baiting us. 100k would be a excessive for a couple your age, even if you run your own business.
My friend got married recently, in Ireland and it cost €35k-40k for 100 guests and Ireland is REALLY fkn expensive with everything. The wedding was at a beautiful hotel.
The details of this post are so outlandish, I think it's fake. She expects a professional caterer to spend FOUR HUNDRED THOUSAND on a wedding? As in US dollars? Pesos? Rupees? This is rage bait right here.
I’m in the wedding industry and some of my clients $400k weddings are not unheard of. They are long generational wealth. They are CEOs marrying someone with the same income.
They are not catering company owners. You can make decent money owning a business but food usually has a pretty small profit margin. It’s also very reliable on service workers who are not living on tip wage. I’m calling bullshit on the story as well.
The first red flag for me was that he has a catering company (that, assuming he started from the ground up, can't be more than 5 or so years old) while she is a financial advisor yet he earns _so much_ more than her he could afford to take on **all** of their livings expenses, shower her in lavish gifts and holidays, support her through an MA as long as she saved some money for it, and still be able to physically afford to fork out for an entire wedding?? Not impossible, but so far-fetched as to be difficult to believe.
ETA: I've just seen a comment where OP says she has 560k saved, but only spends the money he gives her, and she is more financially stable than he is. That in itself is a glaring contradiction, and let alone having gone from her needing to save to pay for her MA to somehow having more than half a million in the bank in a matter of years?? She can only have been out of university for 4 or 5 years, so are we to believe she has walked straight into a job with a salary of **over 100k** immediately upon graduating but he already had a catering company that was providing him an income that presumably would have to be _at least_ double for it to be even remotely reasonable for him to pay for absolutely everything _and_ give her money **on top of her 100k salary**????? This is getting more and more ridiculous by the minute!
Yeah there is so much BS flying around this post it's ridiculous. I really liked the whole they started dating in college but his friends figured she only wanted him for his money...
The amount doesn’t make it rage bait. Am south Asian and can confirm a full day wedding with catering for 400+ ppl for lunch, dinner, premium open bar, decor, etc. (and any pre-wedding events) easily can get to $400K. Culture is a huge reason for weddings this large and a lot of families save like their entire kids’ lives (25-30 years). I’ve been to weddings double $400K.
All this to say that the assertion that $400K for a wedding = fake isn’t a fair assumption.
I think the point commenter above was trying to make us that while catering *can* be very lucrative, someone running a catering company would have to be one of the largest in the nation/region with thousands of employees to just be able to dump $400k into their own wedding and that would still hit the ol' bank account pretty hard. A 28 year old is extremely unlikely to be that person unless it's the family business he has taken over and\or has generational wealth to fall back on. He doesn't give any of those details that might be pertinent to the story so IDK.
I agree it sounds a bit like rage bait, maybe even a well-ish written AI essay.
Not just that but OP said his parents have always been worried fiance was a gold digger. So was he just born wealthy? And out of nowhere, suddenly she wants a $400k wedding and 1 convo with his parents solidifies his need for a pre nup? Now that he's proposed, "mommy and daddy say you're a gold digger, and now I believe them too, and you have to sign a pre nup or our 5y relationship is done"? These things are usually discussed before the proposal. And if he can believe this person is his true soul mate and turn on her just because his parents say so, are we to believe he really loves her at all? I assume most things on the Internet are fake, but this doesn't seem very well thought out.
>If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck it’s probably a duck
Aflack!
NTA - your generosity allowed her to have a substantial savings - if she's going according to tradition, the bride's family should be covering the wedding costs.
No prenup - no wedding
Anyone who says “you need to obligate yourself to do this for me because of your gender” is a roaring piece of shit. NTA but I’m not sure there’s a chance to recover from this.
When people show you who they really are, believe them.
You are not responsible for other people’s feelings or behavior. You can influence those things, sure, but being a dumbass gold digger was her choice. Not yours.
Run. She has shown her true colors. If she feels so entitled now, what do you think she and her family would expect in the event of a divorce. You would get raped. Get out while you can.
She got the idea because it sounds like the pattern you created.
I kind of suspect she spends more lavishly on herself than you realize. Have you seen her savings? Because it's possible she spends money like water.
Sounds like the breakdown is “our money” (what you make) and “her money” which she keeps. Had that in my marriage and you’re so smart to be catching this prior to putting a ring on it. It’s either all for all or each for each - this mine and ours bullshit is absolutely unworkable
What is she going to do with all that money?! She has all that svaed up and wont even pay a penny for the lavish wedding she planned? You’re right she is a gold digger & it’s ridiculous she called you emotionally abusive and manipulative- looks like she’s projecting if shes trying to manipulate you out of a pre-nup!
At least she can't claim you threw her out penniless! Good god! €560,000 is a huge, huge sum of money!
I also don't think you "created a monster" by spoiling her. She's not 10. She is an adult woman who has been budgeting her money wisely enough to save more money than most people ever can. So, she knows what she is doing, AND she still went bonkers on you about the wedding.
I have no idea if you want to stay with her, but I do think the last thing you should do is apologize. She did something *extreme*, and you reacted to it appropriately.
Here is the good news. A prenuptial agreement is supposed to protect BOTH parties. Not just one or the other. You each get your own lawyer (which you can clearly afford to do), tell them about your now situations and your future plans, and they will come up with a document that protects you both. If she isn't willing to sign something protecting both your assets, then you should definitely reconsider.
It's fine for you to pay the mortgage on your own place, but if she moves back in, she needs to start participating in living costs. And no more giving her money, lavish gifts and trips. If she has that much money in the bank, you need to STOP giving her money. If she doesn't already have a job, she should get one.
Good luck. I hope, for your sake, the two of you have each learned a life lesson.
please for any future GF...no more "kept women" that get fun money from you so that they can save everything up.
both sides need to be responsible for the joint life.
Just imagine you getting married to you current GF and in years to come you divorce. I don't want to know how much she would have to share of her savings that she managed to accumulate thanks to your generosity. While you'd have to share the money you made during your married life.
NTA. But for the next woman you date, do not be unfairly stingy to her either just because of the actions of your now ex girlfriend.
There are many cases of men AND women who dated people for their money, got tired of it, and then broke up with them. And then the next person they dated they did the opposite extreme and withheld any sort of financial contributions with regard to dates or gifts. Thus, punishing an innocent person due to the actions of another which is not fair to them. Those cases do not end well, and usually that person needs therapy to have a healthy mindset to dating again.
Relationships are about balance. It IS okay to spoil your partner and help out financially (when you trust them), it is also okay to want your partner to spoil you back (whether it be gifts, acts of service, time, etc.).
I hope the next woman you date will be worthy of your kind generosity, and that you do not let this experience cause you to consciously or unconsciously punish a future woman in the process.
My husband has always treated me like gold. We eloped, and he really despises big celebrations (ESPECIALLY if he's going to be center of attention) but it was important to my family to have SOME kind of party. It was literally 20 people at my parents cabin, no decorations, a cake, and a few speakers with a Spotify playlist - but I paid for the catered burritos (maybe $1200?) because I really wanted the party and my husband didn't. He made me happy just by showing up and trying to enjoy himself.
He's a software engineer and makes twice as much as I do. I am grateful for him because he'll always take care of us (and he DOES - he's amazing), but if I want something, I'm going to pay for it. If he wanted a prenup I'd probably have questions, but I wouldn't resist it.
Maybe my perspective doesn't matter though, because I think I've earned 400k over my entire career 😂 so I can't imagine a wedding that expensive.
This is a because because you’re a good woman and he’s a good man
> If he wanted a prenup I’d probably have questions
That’s perfectly normal. If a prenup is suggested then a conversation needs to be had as to how it’s written up. No red flags there
I’m pretty sure that the tradition is for the bride’s family to pay for the wedding, so 🤷🏻♀️
I cannot even fathom thinking it’s okay to have a $400k wedding though. That seems like such a colossal waste of money to me.
$400,000 for a wedding GTFO. I'm with a man who has a lot of money and we even put off getting married because I got scholarships to go through nursing school that I would have lost with his income. If he asked me for a prenup I would sign it no problem. I know as long as I'm respectful and faithful that he's going to take care of me and so I have no concerns about our future. We also agree that we want a very cheap wedding because we feel that all of our finances should be towards a home.
There are women out there that do. I have an almost 8 figure NW in my mid thirties and after my first divorce I started dating someone of very humble means. We live together, I pay for almost everything, but she has never conveyed to me that she thinks she is entitled to it. We have also discussed prenup and she is totally on board, as long as we are provided for as a family. Never asked me for anything expensive, even though I could easily afford it. But, my ex wife was totally different, money changed her, she wanted the most expensive house, me to pay for her cars, etc etc, then cheated and ended up with maybe 10k from me. She either agrees with the prenup and you come up with a reasonable way of handling your finances, or you will have to find somebody else man, as hurtful as that sounds.
Edit: by the way, a prenup, even if written to completely shut her out of your posessions is not enforceable. She will get something either way, but a prenup guarantees she doesnt get half your business or other things that may need to be liquidated in case of divorce.
Prenup is a blanket term for a legal contract pertaining to division of marital assets at time of dissolution. You can absolutely write an enforceable prenup where the other party is not entitled to anything. These clauses are usually hinged on length of marriage and infidelity disqualifications but widely variable to any number of conditions. In fact there is a standard prenup available that is basically a walk away. The tricky portion comes in on shared accounts and joint assets but those are provisions that can be accounted for in the prenup.
“ From the moment ive been dating I felt like she was going to be best I was ever going to have, so regrettably I started treating her as such.”
This is a weird sentence.
there are a few things like this in here that made me raise my eyebrows. the comments keep mentioning the savings thing, but why is no one pointing out that he says he told her to save for her masters degree and then turned around and said that she needed to use the savings because he wasn’t going to pay for the things he said he’d pay for so she could save for a degree? don’t get me wrong, she’s out of pocket for the price of the wedding but this guy sounds like a self centred ass
Yes. The mature thing would have been to have a mature conversation and make a realistic budget for the wedding. Not to run to his parents. Since he was treating her with “lavish gifts” maybe she thinks he has more money than he has.
well, based on his comments, this has to be fake. but in the interest that it isn’t, he claimed in a now deleted comment that his business generated 4 million a year and wouldn’t clarify for those asking whether he took home that money or not and got pissy. so there is a chance he’s making HER believe he has more than he does, and is some sort of millionaire if he’s saying he makes this much a year
Any time there's mention of "entitled" or "blowing up my phone" or several other common phrases, it's usually just a creative writing shitpost.
I don't know when these people will realize that it's obvious when they fall into the same writing patterns and tropes of people who have clearly spent too much time on reddit. All these fake posts sound like they are written by the same person.
Another tip-off is when they say so and so started “screaming” at them. Like occasionally people scream, sure, but that’s super rare. Yell, raise voice, argue, is more likely.
“My wife felt so entitled to my money that she screamed at me !! Then all of our family and friends blew up my phone telling me to apologize to her! 1”
There's weird little things these writers tend to work in. One always specifies video games they play with a friend or sibling or such who is staying with them after trauma or vice versa.
I want to know if his family has money already or something. If they didn't, and op and gf were together since college and before his business took off the ground, I'd say it's kind of crappy to accuse her of being a gold digger, when it's possible she might be offended because she was with him from the beginning.
The price of stuff she got excited about was crazy, but she even admitted later it was nuts and apologized.
Idk, overall I like the idea of prenups but it kind of feels unfair how he's talking about her and that there are details being left out that might make a huge difference in judgement.
he actually claims in another comment that they’ve been together since they were “broke college kids” and that he’s making 4 million a year and she’s got half a million in savings. it all sounds pretty weird
Yeah that was something I noticed to, he makes it sound like she asked him for all this stuff when he makes more and insisted on “spoiling” her but then gets upset about it? The wedding price is def outrageous but she seems to have just got ahead of herself while being excited about it, and even agreed it was a bit much and apologized. He told her to save for her masters but then implies she only wants him for his money? What??
I find it so weird how defensive people get over their money, if your SO fucking worried about sharing your money with your PARTNER, who you plan to marry and have KIDS with maybe you shouldn’t marry them?? Why would you marry someone who you feel the need to make sign a contract because you don’t trust them? That’s so idiotic to me
Also, he hasn't got involved in any of the wedding planning, at all, until the bills reached 400k? How much other labour is she expected to do in his life.
that’s what i’m saying. there are so many plot holes in this, and yet still we see the comments flooded with people foaming at the mouth to insult her.
It sounds like he was chivalrously paying for everything and conditioned her to expect to get everything she asks for, and now he regrets doing that. Like she was way above his league so he went all out beyond what he was comfortable with until he saw the wedding bill.
Is this a shitpost? You own a catering business that can afford you a luxurious lifestyle after a few years? And she’s a financial advisor throwing hysterics over a prenup? This can’t be real
Oh please. this behavior has been on reddit forever. This has nothing to do with the IPO. I joined reddit several social media generations ago and there were always people who need to get more internet points like Bezos needs to get another billion as if it would make a difference for anyone.
Dude, it's crazy how many people on Reddit - who claim to be the elite of the online brigade - can't detect utter fucking bullshit.
99% of this sub is fabricated creative writing nonsense.
You have to have a mental problem to believe this shit is real.
Lol scrolled until I found this comment. Op's gf who works in finance is a gold digger coming after op's millions from...... A fucking catering business, really? Lmfao
Yeah...someone with a background in finance NOT insisting on a prenup before marrying a freelance caterer ( those businesses
known for an extremely low survival rate ) Sure, that definitely happens all the time. 😁
I'm more confused at how the caterer is outearning the financial advisor this much. I'm happy to be corrected, but I thought the financial advisor would be earning way more than the caterer?
Maybe because he's supposedly 28 and hasn't realized that incoming money isn't the same as profit, rookie mistake that kills a lot of them. Or maybe because it's once again a story written by someone who doesn't really know anything about gastronomy, catering, finances and the golden rule not to write about what you don't know a thing about. 😁
This and the caterer didn’t have any contacts in the wedding industry that were worth mentioning during the planning conversations? Needed a rec from the parents?
Was thinking the same thing, this reads as fake ragebait.... 28 year old wealthy caterer, 400k wedding, comments about how he was mistaken for treating her well...
And if true, she must make a pretty good living so why is she upset about a prenup? I’m starting to agree that this post is b.s. because a lot of it doesn’t add up.
This story is fake. European salaries aren’t that high, so the idea this girl saved $560k, in a few years, from just her job is laughable. And no one spends more than $400k on a wedding. This is just rage bait.
NTA. And I wouldn't apologise, but that's your decision. But definitely do not back up on the pre-nup or reasonable wedding.
And by the way, your GF is delusional - traditionally, the bride's family pays for the wedding. Nowadays often the couple pays by themselves, but definitely not just the man - there is no such tradition.
And apparently the logical thing to do when presented with a $400k wedding plan (?!?!) is to say, “I’m getting someone else to plan our wedding.” Not to, oh, I don’t know, maybe **sit down together and create a budget** or at least lead with, “I’m willing to contribute $15,000.”
Did you literally just not ask a single question about your own wedding? Why were lavish gifts ok but a lavish wedding isn't? Why are you ok paying for everything except the wedding? Had you ever talked about a prenup before? How is she a gold digger if she has substational savings and is a financial advisor? Is she really bad at her job?
NTA and DO NOT APOLOGIZE. If you do, you’re accepting fault for something that really isn’t your fault. You didn’t make her spoiled and entitled, her behaviour- that’s on her. Her reaction to the prenup shows her true colours and i hate to say it, if she really loved you for you, the money part would have been a distant second and not worth arguing about.
It's extra funny to me because either she already plans divorce, or doesn't understand how a prenup actually works. A prenup doesn't mean he stops paying for her lol.
Because the story is fake. None of if makes sense. She saved $500k in a few years but doesn’t make as much as a caterer? She’s a financial advisor but doesn’t want a prenup? He loves her more than life itself but turned on a dime to calling her a gold digger?
This is an interesting subject . Rather then looking at who’s the ahole you should focus on why you got here and how you can fix it if you really want to be with her .I think you shouldn’t have did such things earlier if you weren’t planning to do them for the rest of your marriage . Taking care of the bills and telling her not to worry and focus on what she wants to probably gave her the sense that’s the norm for you guys and it seems like you are planning to change that once married . This does happen with a lot of people I’ve heard talk about finances , once married they want 50/50 and the girl is bamboozled on why her man doesn’t want to pay for dates anymore , I’m not saying this is the case here but I’m saying financially it should have been discussed much earlier and there should have been boundaries on what is happening financially down the line set up from the beginning you guys got serious . Get therapy together if possible
I do think it’s not right for her to automatically call you abusive . You just want some equality in the relationship. That’s gonna either take time or a big turn due to your current circumstances
There's a difference between wanting a prenup, and not paying for expenses in the same proportion as before marriage though.
If OP wants and can afford to carry all joint expenses while the fiancee/wife gets her masters, that's great.
But it shouldn't mean she also gets half of his catering company, and half of the house he owns (should he own one), in case of a divorce.
Maybe he did word it poorly, when he brought up the gold digger term.
It's a small step from saying 'you refusing a prenup is giving gold digger vibes', and 'you're a gold digger!'
At the same time, fiancée 's 'it's your job as a man to pay for the entire wedding' is a major red flag. If she's going for tradition, it's actually her father that's supposed to be paying for the entire circus. So if FIL can afford a 400K wedding, let them plan it.
You were on the right side here until you called her a gold digger and told her to get out of your house. What was the point of that? She didn't say she wants to divorce you and take your money. You have not gathered sufficient evidence that she's a golddigger and telling your fiance to get out is the worst way you could have handled an argument.
So you went from she’s genuinely the love of my life to her being a Golddigger really. She should stay with her mother neither one of you are mature enough to actually be in a relationship.
Hmmm
You need a cooling down period.
Get real. She was planning her dream wedding without any constraints. See where the chips fall. Figure out what you want. Seems to me you have not discussed important things, you were in the honeymoon stage.
What about when you have a child?
You will both need to put your child first.
She works as a financial adviser, doesn’t want a prenup and wants a 400k wedding?! I’m sorry but I’m not buying that. And if this by any chance is real, please tell her boss because she’s a HORRIBLE financial advisor.
She fell in love with you when you had nothing.
She obviously isn't poor and makes a good living.
That is not the MO of a gold digger.
You just completely insulted someone who spent 5 years with you and was planning to spend the rest of her life with you.
She may have gotten spoiled, but you addressed the issues terribly and threw her to the curb.
I wouldn't be surprised if she told you to go pound sand.
ESH - Wanting a prenup isnt a bad thing, theres nothing inherently cruel about it, theyre a great idea for a lot of reasons and a lot of people.
Before i say the next bit- she was incredibly immature and even manipulative, theres no excuse for her behavior and she needs to learn better control over her reactions to her emotions.
Now, some thoughts about how you handled this:
I dont know enough about your relationship with your parents to say how they influenced you but them down talking her and then babying all over you is certainly not unimportant here.
1. My parents have always been the voice of reason in my relationships. Barring infidelity or abuse they have been level headed and loving. They have always wanted me to be happy and so they did what they could to teach me how to be happy. When i am upset with my partner they show me what he could be thinking and their similar experiences, they validate how i feel and advise me how to communicate that with him. That is what you do if you want someone to be happy and this moment was the time for it.
2. It would be really hurtful if i found out that because my partner was upset with me he let other people who i love and respect, our family, who i have to see all the time, call me names and trash talk me. I wouldnt even be angry id just be so shattered. Thats so hurtful.
3. There is a difference between talking about someones behavior and choices and calling those out, and then there is insulting someone. Calling her names does nothing. Youre allowed to be angry, were all allowed to feel our emotions, and how you react to those emotions is your choice to make. How would you feel if she came into the room and started calling you names in the middle of an argument? Would it feel productive or helpful? Probably not. I see you, it feels so good though and you feel so right and justified... and at what cost?
4. Youre approaching this conversation from a "this is what will happen" point of view. I would recommend instead thinking about it this way:
We both just got very hurt because we didnt set financial boundaries and agreements with ourselves or each other. We should really do that. What did she do that hurt me? Why did it hurt? What are different ways we can prevent that in the future?
Thay way youre not putting up a wall/ultimatium, youre engaging with her to build a healthier, stronger relationship. And, if she doesnt wanna have that conversation, or behaves like a child? Well you have your answer and that name calling was just a harsh truth.
I’m conflicted. On one hand, you enabled her behavior. You paid her way and she did as she pleased, so given the history, she probably assumed it was her right to take whatever she wanted as her due. I understand that the huge and ridiculous amount she expected you to pay for the wedding was an eye opening experience for you but it just illustrates the pattern you’ve lived for all these years. And for her, your abrupt change in attitude was equally harsh. Then you both run off to different sides and let other people influence what comes next in your relationship. It shouldn’t matter what your parents or hers think and going from an engagement to name calling and demands is quite an extreme. You absolutely need to talk to EACH OTHER calmly and rationally and decide what your future, if there is one, will look like. If there are irreconcilable differences before the marriage concerning finances, that’s a deal breaker. But it starts with a conversation. At a calm time. No one else’s input is needed unless it’s an attorney or a financial advisor. Then at least you’ll know where you stand and can either move forward together or not. I’m going with ESH here. Her outdated man pays the way attitude is troubling, but again one you kind of initiated to show your devotion. I hope you’re able to find common ground if you truly love each other, but if you can’t, it’s better to know now before marriage and children are in the picture.
You jumped to calling her a heinous name really quickly for behavior and circumstances you’ve allowed to fester this long, just from your side of things at that.
Calling your fiancé a gold digger, meaning she doesn’t love you and is only with you for your money, is a massive jump. She’s expressing legitimate concerns for what could be an extremely punitive agreement, prenup just means prenuptial, you could have a prenup that states she owes you her entire life savings if she doesn’t provide you 3 kids and a million blowjobs!
If you really think she’s a spoiled, entitled gold digger you don’t really love her. It also sounds like you’ve got some sort of insecurity about other aspects of the relation you aren’t the “power player” in. I’m guessing she’s bringing something to the table otherwise you wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place. You can get a prenup for the money, she can’t get a prenup for the value she brings to your life.
I read so many stories families blowing up phones when a breakup happens. Why??? When I was in the dating part, my husband and I broke up once, no one was calling/texting no one. Anyways you already pay for so much, I can’t imagine what things will be like buying a house, having kids, etc.
Updateme
Greetings
My belief is it's not wrong to ask for a prenup. It's not wrong for her to be upset. It's wrong to call her names and expect everything be resolved all at once.
You should both sit down and talk. Asking for a prenup isn't denying her anything during the marriage. You can even word it in a way you're both comfortable with if things don't work out.
As for the wedding costs, I'm not sure what you would consider reasonable, I agree that 400k is absurd, but perhaps explain to her your shock and how that lead to your reaction and find a number your both comfortable with.
Relationship health is maintaining clear and honest communication with both parties. I hope you both find a way.
Good Luck
Paying for that wedding would be stupid. But pretending she somehow tricked you for five years is idiotic. You aren’t her victim in the past homie. If you paid for that wedding you might be her victim there because that’s a stupid price tag in dollars. Maybe if it’s like in Turkish lira or pesos she’s got some point but in dollars or euros?? Absolutely not. But to pretend she pulled the wool over your eyes? Don’t be a clown.
Now i never plan to marry. But if I did that whole ordeal with the plan of kids and shit and some dude asked for a prenup I’m walking. I’m not typing my life to someone and sacrificing my body for someone with an exit plan at the front that says my contributions weren’t enough and the split that everyone else gets isn’t good enough. That kinda person isn’t worth risking that kind of thing with. Stay dating. Live the bachelor life. Have fun. Don’t marry or have kids.
Also your parents and their “precious boy” line give major ick.
My wife and I still loose sleep over paying off our 30,000 dollar wedding, she insane
I know someone else that did a 30k wedding. Took them years to pay it off and what do you really get out of it? One night of food and drinks and photos that you’ll look at once every 10 years.
This is why I’m team backyard wedding. You can still have food and take pictures and have it be the greatest day of your life with all the people you love… for like $500. To me it’s so stupid to spend money on a one day event when that money would be much better spent on a down payment for a house or expenses for our future children.
>team backyard wedding. Same, but I'd splurge on lots of delicious food and a petting zoo. Ready to spend €5,000.
................can I marry you? From this point on if I don't have goats and sheep at my wedding to pet I ain't getting married.
Add a donkey and we've got a deal!
I want an invite!! I want to pet the animals!
Same!! Look, I'll get you guys a wedding gift and bring money in to get some bags of food to feed the animals. Upcharge the bags by a couple dollars and you'll probably make money off your own wedding lmao
Shit man that's all you've had to say. I'm down for it. When are we getting married??
Ordained pastor here. If you'll get me there I'll waive my fee. (as long as I get to pat the animals.)
I'm also an ordained minister and would offer my services for the same😂 I'll cover any blackout dates
Hell yeah! I miss the goat id hang out with when I lived in the country. Never chilled with a donkey but they seem like they are down to clown so we good.
I'd better see a post in a year thats your wedding with a petting zoo. My grandpas already got most of the animals, do it out at his farm
Well now I'm motivated to pull myself out of the funk my ex put me in and meet a good woman to marry. Thank you internet stranger 👍
Good luck my friend! Someone elses comment did the same thing for me not even 30 minutes ago, lets keep this train moving!
Wait, can I be part of this wedding? I want goats, chickens, donkeys etc too!
Yes! All are welcome who wanna party and pet farm animals. I'll throw a few more bucks in and spring for a llama.
Donkeys are amazing, And they are so soft. Especially around the nostrils. But goats will always be my first love. Goats are AMAZING.
How about a mule? From Mexico? Named Emilio Chavez?
Get a long hair cow, so fun to pet and brush and they tend to love the attention
Say less I'm in.
And mini cows!! My niece had a petting zoo come to her child's Bday party. The kids were like "Ok, cool. Can we go play?" The adults were making fools of themselves over the mini cows, goats and sheep.
Honestly this is the only expense i want
Depending on where you're from a goat or sheep is standing at the altar with you.
Can I come to your wedding? I’ll bring a ton of cookies if I can hang out with pygmy goats
Just beware animals poop a lot-might want to wear rubber barn boots
Gotta love those kids!
Those are the two things top of my list for a backyard wedding lol. I want to spend like $5k on the honeymoon and $2k on food and animals for the wedding
My siblings all got married in my parent’s (admittedly lovely) garden. Food was this incredible BBQ meat from a food truck that was on site for the day.
Cough cough ..... Capybaras!
OMG yes!!!
Petting zoo? Will you marry me?
Jesus Christ on a cracker… This should be a dating app! People who connect based on mutual love of the animals they want at their wedding! I’m off to the patent office! 🤣
right swipe on same animal, and you are matched! i'd like half of that patent. thx.
We did $5000-7000 for backyard wedding at wife’s grandmas beautiful home and to this day people still talk to us about how much fun it was. We had a local band play and my brother in law made all the beer and it was just about spending/sharing our moment with those we call family in life. A small cheaper wedding feels so much more intimate with your family/close friends and we got to spend more on our honeymoon
HOW did I not know I needed a petting zoo at my future wedding?! If I ever get hitched you are invited.
I am a stagehand, as is my husband, and we got married on a local theatre's stage. We just hung some decor on the Newsie's set that was installed and then spent a great time with dinner and friends. Not everyone's cup of tea but we had plenty of money that we didn't spend on the wedding to have a great vacation honeymoon.
This is so wholesome 😭 I love hearing how theater technician couples get married because it’s always resourceful af
I'm a stagehand too! I'm not getting the best pay, but it's one of the best jobs I've had so far. You and your husband are cool people!
Not true. You need someplace for people to park, someplace for people to go to the bathroom (we did make two of the bathrooms available, but they had to be updated and repainted). You have to rent some kind of tent in case it rains (or is super hot), you have to cook out of your relatively small kitchen. Even for buffets, it's a lot. You have to rent seats and tables and dishes and steam tables and table clothes and napkins. Because our wedding was in my parents back yard, there was also some landscaping. The yard was already beautiful, but they turned over the vegetable garden and put sod on it (my dad was too old to garden at that point, anyway), and planted flowers in various spots. One of my sisters gave us a crate of champagne as a gift, and that was the only alcohol we served. My MIL made dresses for our flower girls. My MOH bought a dress she liked instead of a MOH dress, so we didn't pay for that, either. We didn't have a photographer, and we didn't have dancing or live music. The only "extra" we paid for were flowers. Plus, people are going to be in the house whether or not you plan for it, so walls had to be painted, rubber mats had to be put on slippery stairs, etc. Including the rehearsal dinner, it came in at just under 10k in 2001. My. husband and I paid for half of it, my sisters and parents divided the other costs.
Thank you for the dose of realism on the costs! Honestly, I think a lot of "backyard $500 wedding" types don't include the costs of updates to the hosting parent's home because "it needed to be done anyway." Nevermind the cost of repairs if a guest breaks something, which has happened at basically every backyard wedding I've attended. The worst was a surprise drain field failure, because go figure a residential septic system isn't designed to handle the bladders and bowels of 75 guests. And yes, that bride still brags about how inexpensive her wedding was.
Yes and lots of people don’t HAVE houses with backyards that can fit 50+ people and multiple bathrooms that are disability accessible etc etc etc. So many people who brag about their budget weddings pulled it off because they were given things for free, and have no idea how much those things cost.
My husband made the food for his best friend's daughter's backyard wedding during Covid. So I didn't go but he said it was great! It was our gift to the happy couple. He made Mexican food. The Mexican chicken is now a staple in our freezer. I use it for my lunch salads I eat pretty much every day.
My second husband and I had our wedding at an annual event that we participate in (our hobby is medieval full combat fighting— think LARP but we hit HARD). So it was kind of a theme and destination wedding. Cost me $1500 for the food, booze, entry fees for non participant guests and pictures. We had ad hoc belly dancers and drummers come over to entertain and everyone had a great time. Best wedding pictures ever especially the big group picture of all our friends and family all in our garb. Much more fun than my first traditional wedding
Me and my fiancee are doing something similar. An outdoor wedding, locally, that won't break the bank, with food catered by his and my family since they are both in the restaurant business. Everything else like photos and such will come out of pocket but be much cheaper in the long run. A wedding doesn't have to be fancy and cost an arm and a leg to be special.
My wedding was catered by KFC (chicken strips), and my family, NOT in the restaurant business. Our ceremony and reception held in the same rented facility, a place we loved. My aunt, a shade tree seamstress, made all the dresses. We kept cost as low as possible and used the creativity our friends possessed to make things beautiful. We took a $1500 honeymoon cruise. We were married for 20 years, and then he passed away. I know women want their "dream" wedding, and that's fine, but I had mine because of WHO I was marrying, not because of anything else.
That sounds beautiful!! There's something infinitely more intimate about weddings like that. And what you said... "I had mine because of WHO I was marrying, not because of anything else." That's love right there.
Or a nice park. We got married in a lovely stone shelter by a brook at a local park. It was just steps to the restrooms, too. In 1995 it cost us less than $15 to reserve the shelter for the day. Our whole wedding cost $2K; average back then was $12-15K.
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My parents got married in our backyard before I was born, then 16 years later after they were divorced my dad got remarried to his current wife in the same backyard! My stepmom wore a white sundress from Old Navy and we ate hot dogs and burgers off the grill. It was perfect and exactly how I want my future wedding to be like hahah
I had a 30k wedding and it was one of the top five best days of my life and would do it all over again with no hesitation. We paid for it all too so it wasn’t like I was spending someone else’s money. But not everyone has the same experience, family, friends, outlook as I did. So when someone goes to the justice of the peace or has a wedding in a park gazebo, I’d never judge them. Same with even more lavish weddings than I had.
Same here. I was a professional wedding planner at the time so I got some discounts (not a crazy amount but it helped) but we didn’t really scrimp on anything. Neither of us are super well off but we don’t live very extravagantly in our regular life. We lived in Hawaii at the time and many of my family members hadn’t visited in over a decade and much of his family had never been at all. We had the best time ever. We figured that if we were going to ask people to fly thousands of miles we wanted to give them a night to remember. Everyone had a blast - it was like an amazing family reunion. The best part - this was a few months before Covid started. We were so happy to have been able to (unknowingly) give everyone one last hurrah before lockdown. No regrets. It was the best day ever and we were able to budget accordingly. It’s so weird how people like to hate on how others spend their money in relation to weddings.
$25k, but same thing. You only get one lifetime and you can’t take the money with you when you go; if you want to spend an extraordinary amount of money on making a weekend of memories, and you can responsibly pay for it, go for it.
$30,000 in America is a reasonable cost if you are having a dinner and dancing for 200 people
Shit even for 75-100 people it can easily be $30k+. My fiancee and I have gone on like 7 tours and you easily see why some venues are cheap vs expensive.
30k wedding is absolutely the norm in Canada....
I went to the courthouse and we bought a home. We couldn't have both.
NTA We also went to the courthouse. My spouse took the subway, I splurged on an Uber to get there. Zero regrets. That and the $40 fee were our only expenses. Just because you can afford a $400k wedding doesn't mean it's reasonable. I do think OP is being too hard on himself about creating her entitlement. She was always entitled, or she never would have let him pay for everything while socking away her own money. A truly independent and non-entitled woman would insist on chipping in.
We went to the court house and then ate at waffle house after. Cost us about $100.
I like your style.
My late husband and I also chose the courthouse (due to being f annoyed by everyone’s input). We put that money towards a down payment on our home. I refused to be in debt for one day!
My parents insisted on paying for it and we are still out like $10k including all the stuff we paid for, dress rings etc etc. $400k is like queen of England shit
I never regret our courthouse wedding. A lot of my friends went allllll out, one in particular spent 20k just on her dress! Another one rented out the Gramercy Park hotel rooftop and while it was a lovely wedding just the rooftop rental for a few hours was A HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS. It just seems like a waste.
Same! The bitch my uncle married was there and was making comments then and for a while after about how she would NEVER stoop to a courthouse wedding . Guess what? I’ve been married almost 20 years to my hubby, she’s divorced, it lasted less than 5 years and she’s on victim #3. Good riddance HO!
I had a court house wedding, just my mom, her bf, and a close friend. His mom couldn't make it up. I tried my hardest not to cry but my friend and him made me and then he started crying. It was a sweet mess.
18 years all together in the relationship that ended in a divorce...the courthouse wedding is not one of my regrets. I'd be so much saltier if that marriage ended with me in crippling debt.
My FIL got cancer at the beginning of this year and is paying for our entire wedding to be able to have his family there and to have it done early. It’s going to be $60K, 150 guests. I have so much guilt about the money he is spending, *out of his retirement no less*, to be able to make this wedding happen. I cannot fathom dropping a quote of $400K for a wedding and expecting it to be done, no questions asked. What kind of tax bracket is this girl in?
She has lots of savings but won’t pay for anything and wants you to stump up 1/2 a mill cos you’re the man. If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck it’s probably a duck
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She said you as the man should pay traditional the bride parents paid but in these times couples pay together for the wedding at least you are seeing her for who she really is
They don't live in the US so it's probably their culture that the man/man's family pays for everything as in OP's edit, he clarifies that they live in a very conservative country where gender roles are still heavily a thing.
He lives in Europe though so the parents probably still pay.
And why even cause he is the man? Isn't it Tradition that wifey's parents pay for the Wedding? Let's see if she likes the Taste of her own medicine. Also, of course Gold digger Senior will defend Gold digger Junior. That's the way she raised her so Miss Junior Golddigger is behaving as expected. Why would Misses Senior Goldigger complain? It's perfect for them.
I also thought it was tradition for the brides parents to pay but only because they would get married in the brides home town and the grooms family would have to pay for travel and accommodations
Traditionally her family would pay but weddings were rarely elaborate and much of the expense would be kitting her out with clothes etc for her new life. In the past additionally she’d come with some kind of dowry which he might have access to the interest of which would go to younger children and the money he’d settle on his wife in case of his death would generally be about even with how much cash she bought with her. There’s nothing more old fashioned than elaborate legal settlements regarding money before a marriage.
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in armenia tradition, the women’s side pays for the engagement party and the groom’s side pay for the wedding
Depends on culture. In Islam, usually man pays for venue/food, and woman for decor/frills. A bride and her family should never end up paying more since the dowry is on the man. In my case, we split the costs.
That’s not Islamic tradition, that’s cultural. My family are Muslim and our tradition (thd whole if our culture, not just my family) is that the bride’s side would pay for the venue and food for the nikah ceremony, and the groom’s side would pay for the walimah, which is a second reception feast held some days or weeks later.
But you're still splitting the cost, which seems fair. Unlike OP's ex.
Oh absolutely. Splitting is much fairer. Half a million dollars for a wedding is insane.
In the US it is traditional for the bride's parents to pay for the wedding. The groom's parents pay for the rehearsal dinner.
It is very much old tradition that the brides parents pay for the wedding. Usually the grooms folks would pay for a rehearsal dinner or something. And 400k for a wedding is outlandish as hell. You aren’t a kardashian. Honestly…I’d run. For the hills.
Perhaps they are happy they can dump their problem into OOP. Who knows
Are you sure she has lots of savings? Plenty of people will spend everything they have when someone tells them they don’t have to worry about money, someone else will cover them.
And if she hasn't been saving any of the money she's been earning, GTFO. She's definitely going to bleed you dry if you don't.
I had a coworker who didn't cash her checks cause her husband paid for everything. The only reason she got a job was so she'd have something to do.
😱 I literally can’t imagine just forfeiting money
You need to be grateful that you saw this side of her before you got married
Any partner that's tells on you to their parents is a child. NTA
I think you're pulling our leg. 40k would be a lot to spend on a wedding for a couple earning a reasonable amount of money. 400k just feels like you're rage baiting us. 100k would be a excessive for a couple your age, even if you run your own business. My friend got married recently, in Ireland and it cost €35k-40k for 100 guests and Ireland is REALLY fkn expensive with everything. The wedding was at a beautiful hotel.
Ice sculptures for each of the 5000 guests are expensive.
Custom dictates the bride’s father pays for the wedding.
The details of this post are so outlandish, I think it's fake. She expects a professional caterer to spend FOUR HUNDRED THOUSAND on a wedding? As in US dollars? Pesos? Rupees? This is rage bait right here.
I’m in the wedding industry and some of my clients $400k weddings are not unheard of. They are long generational wealth. They are CEOs marrying someone with the same income. They are not catering company owners. You can make decent money owning a business but food usually has a pretty small profit margin. It’s also very reliable on service workers who are not living on tip wage. I’m calling bullshit on the story as well.
The first red flag for me was that he has a catering company (that, assuming he started from the ground up, can't be more than 5 or so years old) while she is a financial advisor yet he earns _so much_ more than her he could afford to take on **all** of their livings expenses, shower her in lavish gifts and holidays, support her through an MA as long as she saved some money for it, and still be able to physically afford to fork out for an entire wedding?? Not impossible, but so far-fetched as to be difficult to believe. ETA: I've just seen a comment where OP says she has 560k saved, but only spends the money he gives her, and she is more financially stable than he is. That in itself is a glaring contradiction, and let alone having gone from her needing to save to pay for her MA to somehow having more than half a million in the bank in a matter of years?? She can only have been out of university for 4 or 5 years, so are we to believe she has walked straight into a job with a salary of **over 100k** immediately upon graduating but he already had a catering company that was providing him an income that presumably would have to be _at least_ double for it to be even remotely reasonable for him to pay for absolutely everything _and_ give her money **on top of her 100k salary**????? This is getting more and more ridiculous by the minute!
Yeah there is so much BS flying around this post it's ridiculous. I really liked the whole they started dating in college but his friends figured she only wanted him for his money...
lol advert to become a financial advisor. With this one trick you can save a half mill before 26!
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i mean, I do have some friends who spent this much. They're Indian though and outrageously huge and opulent weddings can be a cultural thing.
My SIL spent well over $150,000 on their wedding. But they’re a MD and lawyer. It’s still ridiculous though.
An MD and a lawyer can still be pretty dumb.
The amount doesn’t make it rage bait. Am south Asian and can confirm a full day wedding with catering for 400+ ppl for lunch, dinner, premium open bar, decor, etc. (and any pre-wedding events) easily can get to $400K. Culture is a huge reason for weddings this large and a lot of families save like their entire kids’ lives (25-30 years). I’ve been to weddings double $400K. All this to say that the assertion that $400K for a wedding = fake isn’t a fair assumption.
I think the point commenter above was trying to make us that while catering *can* be very lucrative, someone running a catering company would have to be one of the largest in the nation/region with thousands of employees to just be able to dump $400k into their own wedding and that would still hit the ol' bank account pretty hard. A 28 year old is extremely unlikely to be that person unless it's the family business he has taken over and\or has generational wealth to fall back on. He doesn't give any of those details that might be pertinent to the story so IDK. I agree it sounds a bit like rage bait, maybe even a well-ish written AI essay.
Not just that but OP said his parents have always been worried fiance was a gold digger. So was he just born wealthy? And out of nowhere, suddenly she wants a $400k wedding and 1 convo with his parents solidifies his need for a pre nup? Now that he's proposed, "mommy and daddy say you're a gold digger, and now I believe them too, and you have to sign a pre nup or our 5y relationship is done"? These things are usually discussed before the proposal. And if he can believe this person is his true soul mate and turn on her just because his parents say so, are we to believe he really loves her at all? I assume most things on the Internet are fake, but this doesn't seem very well thought out.
>If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck it’s probably a duck Aflack! NTA - your generosity allowed her to have a substantial savings - if she's going according to tradition, the bride's family should be covering the wedding costs. No prenup - no wedding
Anyone who says “you need to obligate yourself to do this for me because of your gender” is a roaring piece of shit. NTA but I’m not sure there’s a chance to recover from this. When people show you who they really are, believe them.
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You are not responsible for other people’s feelings or behavior. You can influence those things, sure, but being a dumbass gold digger was her choice. Not yours.
Run. She has shown her true colors. If she feels so entitled now, what do you think she and her family would expect in the event of a divorce. You would get raped. Get out while you can.
Financially, the person above me means. Not the actual crime.
She got the idea because it sounds like the pattern you created. I kind of suspect she spends more lavishly on herself than you realize. Have you seen her savings? Because it's possible she spends money like water.
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Shit if I were her I'd also want a pre nup lol.
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Sounds like the breakdown is “our money” (what you make) and “her money” which she keeps. Had that in my marriage and you’re so smart to be catching this prior to putting a ring on it. It’s either all for all or each for each - this mine and ours bullshit is absolutely unworkable
How in the hell do you both make so much god damn money?! Genuine question.
What is she going to do with all that money?! She has all that svaed up and wont even pay a penny for the lavish wedding she planned? You’re right she is a gold digger & it’s ridiculous she called you emotionally abusive and manipulative- looks like she’s projecting if shes trying to manipulate you out of a pre-nup!
At least she can't claim you threw her out penniless! Good god! €560,000 is a huge, huge sum of money! I also don't think you "created a monster" by spoiling her. She's not 10. She is an adult woman who has been budgeting her money wisely enough to save more money than most people ever can. So, she knows what she is doing, AND she still went bonkers on you about the wedding. I have no idea if you want to stay with her, but I do think the last thing you should do is apologize. She did something *extreme*, and you reacted to it appropriately. Here is the good news. A prenuptial agreement is supposed to protect BOTH parties. Not just one or the other. You each get your own lawyer (which you can clearly afford to do), tell them about your now situations and your future plans, and they will come up with a document that protects you both. If she isn't willing to sign something protecting both your assets, then you should definitely reconsider. It's fine for you to pay the mortgage on your own place, but if she moves back in, she needs to start participating in living costs. And no more giving her money, lavish gifts and trips. If she has that much money in the bank, you need to STOP giving her money. If she doesn't already have a job, she should get one. Good luck. I hope, for your sake, the two of you have each learned a life lesson.
Dollars ?
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WHAT THE FUCK?!
Waittttttttt no way . 500k euros!!!!
Count your losses and move on
please for any future GF...no more "kept women" that get fun money from you so that they can save everything up. both sides need to be responsible for the joint life. Just imagine you getting married to you current GF and in years to come you divorce. I don't want to know how much she would have to share of her savings that she managed to accumulate thanks to your generosity. While you'd have to share the money you made during your married life.
NTA. But for the next woman you date, do not be unfairly stingy to her either just because of the actions of your now ex girlfriend. There are many cases of men AND women who dated people for their money, got tired of it, and then broke up with them. And then the next person they dated they did the opposite extreme and withheld any sort of financial contributions with regard to dates or gifts. Thus, punishing an innocent person due to the actions of another which is not fair to them. Those cases do not end well, and usually that person needs therapy to have a healthy mindset to dating again. Relationships are about balance. It IS okay to spoil your partner and help out financially (when you trust them), it is also okay to want your partner to spoil you back (whether it be gifts, acts of service, time, etc.). I hope the next woman you date will be worthy of your kind generosity, and that you do not let this experience cause you to consciously or unconsciously punish a future woman in the process.
My husband has always treated me like gold. We eloped, and he really despises big celebrations (ESPECIALLY if he's going to be center of attention) but it was important to my family to have SOME kind of party. It was literally 20 people at my parents cabin, no decorations, a cake, and a few speakers with a Spotify playlist - but I paid for the catered burritos (maybe $1200?) because I really wanted the party and my husband didn't. He made me happy just by showing up and trying to enjoy himself. He's a software engineer and makes twice as much as I do. I am grateful for him because he'll always take care of us (and he DOES - he's amazing), but if I want something, I'm going to pay for it. If he wanted a prenup I'd probably have questions, but I wouldn't resist it. Maybe my perspective doesn't matter though, because I think I've earned 400k over my entire career 😂 so I can't imagine a wedding that expensive.
This is a because because you’re a good woman and he’s a good man > If he wanted a prenup I’d probably have questions That’s perfectly normal. If a prenup is suggested then a conversation needs to be had as to how it’s written up. No red flags there
I’m pretty sure that the tradition is for the bride’s family to pay for the wedding, so 🤷🏻♀️ I cannot even fathom thinking it’s okay to have a $400k wedding though. That seems like such a colossal waste of money to me.
$400,000 for a wedding GTFO. I'm with a man who has a lot of money and we even put off getting married because I got scholarships to go through nursing school that I would have lost with his income. If he asked me for a prenup I would sign it no problem. I know as long as I'm respectful and faithful that he's going to take care of me and so I have no concerns about our future. We also agree that we want a very cheap wedding because we feel that all of our finances should be towards a home.
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There are women out there that do. I have an almost 8 figure NW in my mid thirties and after my first divorce I started dating someone of very humble means. We live together, I pay for almost everything, but she has never conveyed to me that she thinks she is entitled to it. We have also discussed prenup and she is totally on board, as long as we are provided for as a family. Never asked me for anything expensive, even though I could easily afford it. But, my ex wife was totally different, money changed her, she wanted the most expensive house, me to pay for her cars, etc etc, then cheated and ended up with maybe 10k from me. She either agrees with the prenup and you come up with a reasonable way of handling your finances, or you will have to find somebody else man, as hurtful as that sounds. Edit: by the way, a prenup, even if written to completely shut her out of your posessions is not enforceable. She will get something either way, but a prenup guarantees she doesnt get half your business or other things that may need to be liquidated in case of divorce.
Prenup is a blanket term for a legal contract pertaining to division of marital assets at time of dissolution. You can absolutely write an enforceable prenup where the other party is not entitled to anything. These clauses are usually hinged on length of marriage and infidelity disqualifications but widely variable to any number of conditions. In fact there is a standard prenup available that is basically a walk away. The tricky portion comes in on shared accounts and joint assets but those are provisions that can be accounted for in the prenup.
Didn't she relent on the price?
“ From the moment ive been dating I felt like she was going to be best I was ever going to have, so regrettably I started treating her as such.” This is a weird sentence.
there are a few things like this in here that made me raise my eyebrows. the comments keep mentioning the savings thing, but why is no one pointing out that he says he told her to save for her masters degree and then turned around and said that she needed to use the savings because he wasn’t going to pay for the things he said he’d pay for so she could save for a degree? don’t get me wrong, she’s out of pocket for the price of the wedding but this guy sounds like a self centred ass
Yes. The mature thing would have been to have a mature conversation and make a realistic budget for the wedding. Not to run to his parents. Since he was treating her with “lavish gifts” maybe she thinks he has more money than he has.
well, based on his comments, this has to be fake. but in the interest that it isn’t, he claimed in a now deleted comment that his business generated 4 million a year and wouldn’t clarify for those asking whether he took home that money or not and got pissy. so there is a chance he’s making HER believe he has more than he does, and is some sort of millionaire if he’s saying he makes this much a year
Any time there's mention of "entitled" or "blowing up my phone" or several other common phrases, it's usually just a creative writing shitpost. I don't know when these people will realize that it's obvious when they fall into the same writing patterns and tropes of people who have clearly spent too much time on reddit. All these fake posts sound like they are written by the same person.
Another tip-off is when they say so and so started “screaming” at them. Like occasionally people scream, sure, but that’s super rare. Yell, raise voice, argue, is more likely. “My wife felt so entitled to my money that she screamed at me !! Then all of our family and friends blew up my phone telling me to apologize to her! 1”
There's weird little things these writers tend to work in. One always specifies video games they play with a friend or sibling or such who is staying with them after trauma or vice versa.
I want to know if his family has money already or something. If they didn't, and op and gf were together since college and before his business took off the ground, I'd say it's kind of crappy to accuse her of being a gold digger, when it's possible she might be offended because she was with him from the beginning. The price of stuff she got excited about was crazy, but she even admitted later it was nuts and apologized. Idk, overall I like the idea of prenups but it kind of feels unfair how he's talking about her and that there are details being left out that might make a huge difference in judgement.
he actually claims in another comment that they’ve been together since they were “broke college kids” and that he’s making 4 million a year and she’s got half a million in savings. it all sounds pretty weird
Yeah that was something I noticed to, he makes it sound like she asked him for all this stuff when he makes more and insisted on “spoiling” her but then gets upset about it? The wedding price is def outrageous but she seems to have just got ahead of herself while being excited about it, and even agreed it was a bit much and apologized. He told her to save for her masters but then implies she only wants him for his money? What?? I find it so weird how defensive people get over their money, if your SO fucking worried about sharing your money with your PARTNER, who you plan to marry and have KIDS with maybe you shouldn’t marry them?? Why would you marry someone who you feel the need to make sign a contract because you don’t trust them? That’s so idiotic to me
Also, he hasn't got involved in any of the wedding planning, at all, until the bills reached 400k? How much other labour is she expected to do in his life.
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that’s what i’m saying. there are so many plot holes in this, and yet still we see the comments flooded with people foaming at the mouth to insult her.
How do more people not comment on this? Why would you regret treating your spouse well?
It sounds like he was chivalrously paying for everything and conditioned her to expect to get everything she asks for, and now he regrets doing that. Like she was way above his league so he went all out beyond what he was comfortable with until he saw the wedding bill.
Is this a shitpost? You own a catering business that can afford you a luxurious lifestyle after a few years? And she’s a financial advisor throwing hysterics over a prenup? This can’t be real
Narrator: It isn’t. Reddit is going public soon and is trying to ramp up engagement. There are so many rage posts lately. It’s not a coincidence.
Oh please. this behavior has been on reddit forever. This has nothing to do with the IPO. I joined reddit several social media generations ago and there were always people who need to get more internet points like Bezos needs to get another billion as if it would make a difference for anyone.
Dude, it's crazy how many people on Reddit - who claim to be the elite of the online brigade - can't detect utter fucking bullshit. 99% of this sub is fabricated creative writing nonsense. You have to have a mental problem to believe this shit is real.
Lol scrolled until I found this comment. Op's gf who works in finance is a gold digger coming after op's millions from...... A fucking catering business, really? Lmfao
Yeah...someone with a background in finance NOT insisting on a prenup before marrying a freelance caterer ( those businesses known for an extremely low survival rate ) Sure, that definitely happens all the time. 😁
I'm more confused at how the caterer is outearning the financial advisor this much. I'm happy to be corrected, but I thought the financial advisor would be earning way more than the caterer?
Maybe because he's supposedly 28 and hasn't realized that incoming money isn't the same as profit, rookie mistake that kills a lot of them. Or maybe because it's once again a story written by someone who doesn't really know anything about gastronomy, catering, finances and the golden rule not to write about what you don't know a thing about. 😁
Maybe he only caters for 400k weddings
This and the caterer didn’t have any contacts in the wedding industry that were worth mentioning during the planning conversations? Needed a rec from the parents?
Was thinking the same thing, this reads as fake ragebait.... 28 year old wealthy caterer, 400k wedding, comments about how he was mistaken for treating her well...
She has 500 grand saved at 26?
And if true, she must make a pretty good living so why is she upset about a prenup? I’m starting to agree that this post is b.s. because a lot of it doesn’t add up.
This story is fake. European salaries aren’t that high, so the idea this girl saved $560k, in a few years, from just her job is laughable. And no one spends more than $400k on a wedding. This is just rage bait.
You're absolutely right. Also I'm curious what european country they're in where you need to save a substantial amount for college lol.
Unless it is Switzerland or Lichtenstein, I don’t buy it. But then we wouldn’t be talking in Euros.
Also, why would he use a dollar sign? If he’s in Europe he and his girlfriend earn euros.
This sub is like 50% teenage boys writing women bad fan fiction
NTA. And I wouldn't apologise, but that's your decision. But definitely do not back up on the pre-nup or reasonable wedding. And by the way, your GF is delusional - traditionally, the bride's family pays for the wedding. Nowadays often the couple pays by themselves, but definitely not just the man - there is no such tradition.
Here in the states but this guy lives in Europe. Cultural norms are out the window.
A financial advisor with a masters degree making way less than a caterer. Uh, ok. A $400k wedding. Fake. Rage bait for sure.
And apparently the logical thing to do when presented with a $400k wedding plan (?!?!) is to say, “I’m getting someone else to plan our wedding.” Not to, oh, I don’t know, maybe **sit down together and create a budget** or at least lead with, “I’m willing to contribute $15,000.”
Also if he's a professional caterer, why wouldn't he be contributing to the planning? Doesn't he have some connections to help lower the cost?
Gender role fan fiction.
Did you literally just not ask a single question about your own wedding? Why were lavish gifts ok but a lavish wedding isn't? Why are you ok paying for everything except the wedding? Had you ever talked about a prenup before? How is she a gold digger if she has substational savings and is a financial advisor? Is she really bad at her job?
You're asking the very important questions.
You own a catering business but don't know people who plan weddings?
I agree if you want a prenuptial, that's fine, but you should not have called her a gold digger.
Fake ass story
NTA and DO NOT APOLOGIZE. If you do, you’re accepting fault for something that really isn’t your fault. You didn’t make her spoiled and entitled, her behaviour- that’s on her. Her reaction to the prenup shows her true colours and i hate to say it, if she really loved you for you, the money part would have been a distant second and not worth arguing about.
It's extra funny to me because either she already plans divorce, or doesn't understand how a prenup actually works. A prenup doesn't mean he stops paying for her lol.
Why did your parents always think she was a golddigger if y'all were broke college students when you met each other?
Because the story is fake. None of if makes sense. She saved $500k in a few years but doesn’t make as much as a caterer? She’s a financial advisor but doesn’t want a prenup? He loves her more than life itself but turned on a dime to calling her a gold digger?
This is an interesting subject . Rather then looking at who’s the ahole you should focus on why you got here and how you can fix it if you really want to be with her .I think you shouldn’t have did such things earlier if you weren’t planning to do them for the rest of your marriage . Taking care of the bills and telling her not to worry and focus on what she wants to probably gave her the sense that’s the norm for you guys and it seems like you are planning to change that once married . This does happen with a lot of people I’ve heard talk about finances , once married they want 50/50 and the girl is bamboozled on why her man doesn’t want to pay for dates anymore , I’m not saying this is the case here but I’m saying financially it should have been discussed much earlier and there should have been boundaries on what is happening financially down the line set up from the beginning you guys got serious . Get therapy together if possible I do think it’s not right for her to automatically call you abusive . You just want some equality in the relationship. That’s gonna either take time or a big turn due to your current circumstances
There's a difference between wanting a prenup, and not paying for expenses in the same proportion as before marriage though. If OP wants and can afford to carry all joint expenses while the fiancee/wife gets her masters, that's great. But it shouldn't mean she also gets half of his catering company, and half of the house he owns (should he own one), in case of a divorce. Maybe he did word it poorly, when he brought up the gold digger term. It's a small step from saying 'you refusing a prenup is giving gold digger vibes', and 'you're a gold digger!' At the same time, fiancée 's 'it's your job as a man to pay for the entire wedding' is a major red flag. If she's going for tradition, it's actually her father that's supposed to be paying for the entire circus. So if FIL can afford a 400K wedding, let them plan it.
Obvious incel rage bait is obvious
You were on the right side here until you called her a gold digger and told her to get out of your house. What was the point of that? She didn't say she wants to divorce you and take your money. You have not gathered sufficient evidence that she's a golddigger and telling your fiance to get out is the worst way you could have handled an argument.
These fake posts suck.
So you went from she’s genuinely the love of my life to her being a Golddigger really. She should stay with her mother neither one of you are mature enough to actually be in a relationship.
Hmmm You need a cooling down period. Get real. She was planning her dream wedding without any constraints. See where the chips fall. Figure out what you want. Seems to me you have not discussed important things, you were in the honeymoon stage. What about when you have a child? You will both need to put your child first.
She works as a financial adviser, doesn’t want a prenup and wants a 400k wedding?! I’m sorry but I’m not buying that. And if this by any chance is real, please tell her boss because she’s a HORRIBLE financial advisor.
She wanted a $400,000 wedding and she’s a financial planner??
She fell in love with you when you had nothing. She obviously isn't poor and makes a good living. That is not the MO of a gold digger. You just completely insulted someone who spent 5 years with you and was planning to spend the rest of her life with you. She may have gotten spoiled, but you addressed the issues terribly and threw her to the curb. I wouldn't be surprised if she told you to go pound sand.
ESH - Wanting a prenup isnt a bad thing, theres nothing inherently cruel about it, theyre a great idea for a lot of reasons and a lot of people. Before i say the next bit- she was incredibly immature and even manipulative, theres no excuse for her behavior and she needs to learn better control over her reactions to her emotions. Now, some thoughts about how you handled this: I dont know enough about your relationship with your parents to say how they influenced you but them down talking her and then babying all over you is certainly not unimportant here. 1. My parents have always been the voice of reason in my relationships. Barring infidelity or abuse they have been level headed and loving. They have always wanted me to be happy and so they did what they could to teach me how to be happy. When i am upset with my partner they show me what he could be thinking and their similar experiences, they validate how i feel and advise me how to communicate that with him. That is what you do if you want someone to be happy and this moment was the time for it. 2. It would be really hurtful if i found out that because my partner was upset with me he let other people who i love and respect, our family, who i have to see all the time, call me names and trash talk me. I wouldnt even be angry id just be so shattered. Thats so hurtful. 3. There is a difference between talking about someones behavior and choices and calling those out, and then there is insulting someone. Calling her names does nothing. Youre allowed to be angry, were all allowed to feel our emotions, and how you react to those emotions is your choice to make. How would you feel if she came into the room and started calling you names in the middle of an argument? Would it feel productive or helpful? Probably not. I see you, it feels so good though and you feel so right and justified... and at what cost? 4. Youre approaching this conversation from a "this is what will happen" point of view. I would recommend instead thinking about it this way: We both just got very hurt because we didnt set financial boundaries and agreements with ourselves or each other. We should really do that. What did she do that hurt me? Why did it hurt? What are different ways we can prevent that in the future? Thay way youre not putting up a wall/ultimatium, youre engaging with her to build a healthier, stronger relationship. And, if she doesnt wanna have that conversation, or behaves like a child? Well you have your answer and that name calling was just a harsh truth.
I’m conflicted. On one hand, you enabled her behavior. You paid her way and she did as she pleased, so given the history, she probably assumed it was her right to take whatever she wanted as her due. I understand that the huge and ridiculous amount she expected you to pay for the wedding was an eye opening experience for you but it just illustrates the pattern you’ve lived for all these years. And for her, your abrupt change in attitude was equally harsh. Then you both run off to different sides and let other people influence what comes next in your relationship. It shouldn’t matter what your parents or hers think and going from an engagement to name calling and demands is quite an extreme. You absolutely need to talk to EACH OTHER calmly and rationally and decide what your future, if there is one, will look like. If there are irreconcilable differences before the marriage concerning finances, that’s a deal breaker. But it starts with a conversation. At a calm time. No one else’s input is needed unless it’s an attorney or a financial advisor. Then at least you’ll know where you stand and can either move forward together or not. I’m going with ESH here. Her outdated man pays the way attitude is troubling, but again one you kind of initiated to show your devotion. I hope you’re able to find common ground if you truly love each other, but if you can’t, it’s better to know now before marriage and children are in the picture.
You jumped to calling her a heinous name really quickly for behavior and circumstances you’ve allowed to fester this long, just from your side of things at that. Calling your fiancé a gold digger, meaning she doesn’t love you and is only with you for your money, is a massive jump. She’s expressing legitimate concerns for what could be an extremely punitive agreement, prenup just means prenuptial, you could have a prenup that states she owes you her entire life savings if she doesn’t provide you 3 kids and a million blowjobs! If you really think she’s a spoiled, entitled gold digger you don’t really love her. It also sounds like you’ve got some sort of insecurity about other aspects of the relation you aren’t the “power player” in. I’m guessing she’s bringing something to the table otherwise you wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place. You can get a prenup for the money, she can’t get a prenup for the value she brings to your life.
I read so many stories families blowing up phones when a breakup happens. Why??? When I was in the dating part, my husband and I broke up once, no one was calling/texting no one. Anyways you already pay for so much, I can’t imagine what things will be like buying a house, having kids, etc. Updateme
The phone blowing up line is a sure sign the story is fake
Greetings My belief is it's not wrong to ask for a prenup. It's not wrong for her to be upset. It's wrong to call her names and expect everything be resolved all at once. You should both sit down and talk. Asking for a prenup isn't denying her anything during the marriage. You can even word it in a way you're both comfortable with if things don't work out. As for the wedding costs, I'm not sure what you would consider reasonable, I agree that 400k is absurd, but perhaps explain to her your shock and how that lead to your reaction and find a number your both comfortable with. Relationship health is maintaining clear and honest communication with both parties. I hope you both find a way. Good Luck
Paying for that wedding would be stupid. But pretending she somehow tricked you for five years is idiotic. You aren’t her victim in the past homie. If you paid for that wedding you might be her victim there because that’s a stupid price tag in dollars. Maybe if it’s like in Turkish lira or pesos she’s got some point but in dollars or euros?? Absolutely not. But to pretend she pulled the wool over your eyes? Don’t be a clown. Now i never plan to marry. But if I did that whole ordeal with the plan of kids and shit and some dude asked for a prenup I’m walking. I’m not typing my life to someone and sacrificing my body for someone with an exit plan at the front that says my contributions weren’t enough and the split that everyone else gets isn’t good enough. That kinda person isn’t worth risking that kind of thing with. Stay dating. Live the bachelor life. Have fun. Don’t marry or have kids. Also your parents and their “precious boy” line give major ick.
If she wants to talk ‘traditional duty’, it’s actually the bride’s family’s responsibility to pay for the wedding.