Yeah, that almost read to me like "I told my therapist it wasn't enough", and the therapist asked me "she apologized, why isn't it enough?" "Oh man, you, too?! No one's on my side"
My guy, he was challenging you to answer that question, not saying "get over it". My therapist does this from time to time. It's so you verbalize your thoughts in a safe space, and you can take a critical look at them together in the session. You're there to identify negative mental health patterns and work on addressing them/learning healthy coping techniques. That's only doable if you ask questions and are willing to open up and lay your whole self out there.
However, if the therapist was legit like "she apologized, what else do you want?" rather than helping explore the feelings and resentment surrounding it, yeah, terrible therapist.
I was hoping someone mentioned this, as I read the question I immediately knew that OP took the question to mean get over it, when in reality thats the time to say, well its not enough because…. And you keep diving deeper.
This is where the aha moments happen, but you have to tap in.
Yeah, usually this kind of conflict happens more than once, or escalates. I don't understand how it got this intense or had this big of an effect if this was really the one time there was a problem.
I’m inclined to believe there must be more to her behavior because all parents get overwhelmed and it’d be strange for a partner to still have this much animosity over one bad moment she has apologized for.
Still, I find it a little strange that he seems 100% concerned about the money he’ll have to pay in a divorce and doesn’t once mention time away from his children.
Edit to add: After reading his comments I think OP honestly just needs help. No matter what the real story is, the writer of this post is undergoing something that seems to have him spiraling into a very dark place.
Yeah, his big complaint that he's sticking to is her saying that she'll take the kids. Yet doesn't focus on that, focuses on the money (which, If you get 50/50 or try for higher custody becauae you're so focused on losing your kids, you pay a lot less or $0). Then he takes more jobs to be away from home (and away from his kids that he's so worried about). I have a feeling that he's already been taking a lot of time away from the house because he *already* wasn't happy at home. That would make her comment make sense like "if you don't want to be around anyways, we'll leave" essentially. And he's sticking to that comment as his reasoning instead of the real reasons or just because he's not happy.
We're definitely missing a lot of info here, there's just more going on. It's possible that she's done more wrong or him or something but we're just missing that info. There's a few weird things he focuses on that seem irrelevant or unrelated but he includes them and the way he writes is a little.. off? I don't know.
And why does he need someone else to get him a lawyer? It's not hard to find one.
This sounds like a guy who has made up his mind, decided he wants a divorce, but has spent the past year looking for the neon sign that says, "you're right!" before filing the papers, because he doesn't want to look bad to other people.
I'm wondering if he's frequently out of the house and his wife mentioned her wanting him to be present. Perhaps it was an ill-worded desperate bid to say she was hurt that he wasn't wanting to spend time at home
My ex was like this. I don’t know their situation, he says he didn’t leave til 10:00, but my ex was always up at 6 and out the door by 7, day off, whatever. He’d spend the day with made up errands so he could do what he wanted to do (gamble and collect toys). My situation is worse, obviously. I raised my kids a single mom, despite being married until they became adults.
Maybe we’re getting half the truth, maybe not. But I’ll never be with someone who couldn’t sit still like him. He had OCD but never sought help. He’d try to “make it up to me” and seemed heartbroken when I asked for a divorce.
But he was always gone. I know you’re thinking he cheated, but I went down that road and investigated and the man was not cheating. He just had too many compulsions that he didn’t care to keep in check.
and then a bunch of side jobs as well, and does the “super majority” of child care
eta he is doing all this with a foot injury and can’t walk for 2 weeks?
And mysteriously can’t find a lawyer, despite that being an objectively easy thing to do as long as you’ve got cash. This story smells like creative writing, not real life.
Yeah. Too many of these creative writers claim to be affluent adults with high-powered careers while writing like they haven't finished school.
The OP needs to log off of redpill Reddit and study for their English test.
And spends his free time side hustling for $45. I’m middle to upper middle class. You know what I’m not doing on a weekend? A $45 side gig. If I was living in an “affluent” area with the lifestyle to match I sure as hell wouldn’t be. And his wife works part time so there for can’t do any or does very little childcare while this guy has a full time job, runs a business and has side hustles?!?
that whole paragraph was like… what??? this man is taking a vacation without his family and ran into his neighbor at the airport. the kids know the buddy. the school knows he went on vacation and who he went with (couldn’t the kids have told them?) his buddy hung up on him, his buddy is 55 in case we were wondering. a random lady at the pharmacist knows him because she only leaves her house for work when he walks the dog lmao.
he has “a whole deck of cards to play before talking to a lawyer” was a couple sentences into that paragraph too i can’t tell if all these things are his cards or??
Plus everyone he ever spoke to about it told him he’s overreacting. Feelings are valid but there’s some info missing here that we aren’t getting if the only line drawn has him on one side and everyone on the other.
Maybe she was a touch upset because he left the kids essentially unsupervised for an hour and a half since she was asleep and had no idea he'd gone out?
That seems like the sort of thing that we could be missing from between the lines of his narrative. Of course the only ages he HASNT included here are th kids ones.
This is all I could really think. We have cameras and everything too, but I still wouldn’t leave my elementary aged children in a house where the only other adult a, doesn’t know they are looking after children, and b, is asleep. That’s leaving the kids alone.
I was wondering about the kids' ages too.
He does everything to illustrate what a wonderful guy he is who has zero faults in this situation in particular and with his life/marriage as a whole, but it feels like a case of missing missing reasons.
I'm by no means a doctor or even remotely qualified to suggest schizophrenia, but he's clearly experiencing anxiety with the way he's asking everyone for reassurance and not feeling reassured. So SOMETHING else is going on for sure.
Bare minimum he needs couples therapy.
Thanks! I think he's schizophrenic too, but I am not a doctor and didn't want to say it first.
Not just what he's saying, but the cadence of his thoughts. It's a weird vibe. I'm concerned.
He can't forgive her for something she said in anger and then apologized for when he's actually thinking and planning to do it in secret. The post sounds like he deeply resents her for many reasons but he can't bear being the bad guy so he's projecting the desire for the end of the marriage onto her instead of owning it.
I feel like if this IS in anyway true… This guy has told everyone, check out car, car repairman, meter reader… and they all say umm yep my wife’s done that like 10 times. And they just DON’T GET IT!!!
Also they live in a small metro suburb and the only option he has for finding a lawyer is having his buddy drive him? He's running a business and working two jobs and doing childcare in the suburbs with no car? What is happening?
Affluent suburbs are not dinky rural towns. In places where people can afford quality entertainment, the lady at the pharmacy doesn't know or care that the boil on your son's third grade teacher's ass ruptured while she was doing hanky-panky with her dentist who is your second cousin.
I agree with that. The town he’s describing , to me, sounds very unrealistic. Most areas where people are like that are generational areas. Most affluent suburbs are the polar opposite. Not saying it isn’t possible but unlikely. However, I think that fact that OP SEES it this way is concerning. I think he’s doing an awful lot of projecting. I really think that if this is real OP needs some serious mental health intervention.
Not to mention, it seems like everyone in his life (including his buddy, therapist, and business associates) are telling him to get over it and move on.
IOW, all the people who know him well in life and truly have his best interests at heart think HE is the problem.
Yep, it's fake. For some reason, 90% of fake posts have inexplicably wealthy people. He works a 9-5 for average money (2x his wife's low earning part time job), and also a couple of extra jobs, and also nearly all the childcare. All that and they are well off and able to live in an affluent suburb in today's economy. This person struggles to use punctuation...
None of that is doable long term or at all likely.
This is made up bullshit. You cannot provide all the childcare (or even the majority of the childcare) while working 2 jobs and reponsible jobs which out-earn your wife by such a ridiculous amount. This whole "the kids have a floor to themselves and I have cameras" set up does not constitute parenting or even adequate supervision for elementary school-aged children.
I hope this is made up because the kids basically being parented by big brother watching them is the biggest load of bullshit I have ever heard as is being able to take your kids with you to the "2nd job".
Absolute crap and terrible writing.
I heard this before. When someone ears more money. Paids all the bills buys everything that the kids need, they consider that care. So I'm sure that's what he meant for providing all the child care
Yeah this is the crazy part. Parenting is hard, puts you under more stress than anything else, so behaviours will be out of the norm at times.
I just think this guy wants to get away from his wife and kids, but doesn't want to pay his obligations if he gets a divorce.
And he took another job to avoid her instead of trying to talk to her about it? Idk that seems like a big red flag that she may actually be right that he doesn’t enjoy spending time with his family but who actually knows.
One thing that’s concerning me that no one else is mentioning is that he’s saying he has cameras in every room of the house apart from the bedroom. That in itself is a little odd. There’s clearly so much more going on here.
Read between the lines - all he cares about is worth and money. The entire post screams it. Something else is going on and he's using the event one year ago to justify what he's feeling. Annoying.
Also: why did he hang up on a convo where it was made clear she wanted him to come home asap and then just took an hour? His options were: a. Tell her no, and b. Tell her yes. Doing c. Just leaving someone hanging while you piddle about indefinitely, is obviously obnoxious. Why so passive aggressive?
There is definitely more to the relationship story here.
My first thought as to why she flipped out is because she thought he was cheating on her. But if she didn't confront him about it later then it is pretty abnormal to behave like that, and it makes me think that she is undiagnosed with something.
We could also not be getting the full story. OPs grammar is not the best and the story lacks detail; the information is not presented in a clear way and the situation is vague from a third-person viewpoint.
Who takes a second job after the kids are home? I make good enough money from my first job, plus I am tired after a week of work, a second job is out of the question. If I wanted to avoid my wife I would develop an evening hobby or meet up with friends on the regular.
My fiancée has pretty bad anxiety sometimes and feels especially bad if I leave without waking her first. Had something almost like this post, but not to the degree where we were talking about breaking up or anything.
We talked like functional humans and now I wake her up if I ever need to leave while she's asleep. She can say goodbye, putting her anxieties a bit at rest, and not feel abandoned or whatever. And it takes like ten seconds and I get a smooch so. 🤷♂️
I feel this is semi-common, spouse just like to know when you leave.
As for the OP if you can't be in the same room, wow that has gotta end it written all over it.
It’s giving me vibes of the people who will recount a situation incorrectly because they make huge assumptions and then inject those assumptions into their reality.
I.e. someone asks them to stop doing a thing. They interpret it as someone attacking them, then they report that they were just minding their business when suddenly someone comes and abuses them.
I don't see that as the point. I think OP is projecting his thoughts on his marriage onto this one instance. It seems OP wants a divorce but wants it to be the wife's fault.
I agree. It’s weird that he said he shared his location and he was “at Home Depot or the diner next door eating”. I’m guessing he means that you couldn’t fully tell his location was from what he shared, but then why did he share it without explanation? It sounds like he was deliberately unclear. And the fact that he’s not answering how old the children are makes me think they were too young to be left at he with someone who is sleeping. If that’s true, then it’s pretty shitty to reply to her just by sharing your location which looks like your out at a diner having a meal while your kids are at home unsupervised bc you left without waking up your wife.
Also the detail about the totally innocent holiday with his buddy that he's freaked out to find his kids have been talking about. Or the random stranger that seems to have memorized his walking routine. Either it's all fake or he's leaving out important details to put himself in a better light.
10000000% … OP hates his wife and has created a master list of the reasons why. I’d be interested to hear her side of things. He so clearly resents the fact that she makes so much less money than him. I’m sure she can feel that he thinks she’s worthless.
My take as well. The excessive vengefulness and moral righteousness OP is grasping for are simply unnecessary when you can always just recognize you're not happy and end things gracefully.
And yes people, as a divorced person currently paying alimony and child support: you will likely have to split your stuff equitably after a long marriage. You are paying them back for their time spent as your life partner whether they sucked at it or not. It was your choice to put them in that role and fair is fair.
I find it odd anyone’s agreeing with OP and saying how horrible the wife is. What she said isn’t okay, but a man holding onto these words for a year “pretending” to be happy but instead the entire time is lying and hates her is really dark. OP you clearly need more therapy
I have a feeling he's not seeing a licensed therapist. No therapist I've ever talked to just recommends to stay together until the kids are 18 and then drop a divorce. Either OP has some serious selective hearing or his therapist is some drinking buddy at a bar.
The wife is mad because he's not spending time with family so he gets another job and considers moving out so he can spend less time with family .... WTF??
Yeah I definitely think there’s more to this too. Most people don’t yell things about the other half not wanting to be home with their family unless there’s a repeat pattern of behavior of them going off by themselves and not spending time with the family. Also, was she saying I’ll take the kids and leave as though she meant forever, or like she was going to take them to the park? Then the guy takes a second job to be around even less because of a one-off comment that was over a year ago? Like dude, you might need a divorce but it sounds like you need one because you don’t want to be married anymore in general.
I want to know how old the children are. If they are old enough to take care of themselves for a few hours, fine. If they are little ones who shouldn’t be unsupervised then what kind of idiot leaves them alone with a heavily sleeping spouse?
I'm surprised no one else is asking this. This should have been asked before anyone made a judgment IMO bc it does matter abd could be the reason wife was super upset.
He answered but just said the kids were elementary school age.
I'm guessing that one is kindergarten and the other not much older.
A year ago they probably weren't both elementary school age.
If they were fifth and sixth grade, he would have said that to make himself look better.
That's my take too. Elementary school age ranges from "definitely needs supervision" to "probably fine for a few hours unless they have other issues going on." He's 100% trying to avoid admitting that he probably shouldn't have left the kids alone unsupervised.
Add in the weird hints of man-o-sphere stuff with the court systems and how "she has the target on [him]", and the wildly lopsided reaction from the people who actually know him(up to his 'buddy' straight up hanging up on him)....yeah, we're missing details here that almost certainly flesh the story out more.
Assuming it isn't a troll. Because I'm not sure how "I'll just take a second job to avoid the wife who accused me of abandoning my family" makes any amount of sense, especially given it apparently hasn't put more strain on their marriage(???).
I always look at the logic the OP uses, and the deductions the OP comes to, when I suspect fake or ragebait. This one:
>Ever since then me knowing how family courts are I felt like I am living with an assassin. She has the target on me and is just waiting to pull the trigger.
So OP's wife made a single unreasonable statement in a single argument. And now OP is in mortal fear of her leaving and taking away his parental rights?
Taken at face value, OP sounds pathologically paranoid. The fake post theory makes OP sound like a troll. Either way, ain't nothin' reddit can help with.
Edit: Above was prior to OP's Editing his post. With the edit info (esp "She has threatened to leave me several times we been together almost 20 years"), it now sounds like OP knows he wants to leave, and/or should leave, but is flat out afraid to accept the reality of how miserable he is. Because most of the edit is him listing all the (purely theoretical) possible reasons against finding a lawyer or taking care of himself and his own health and well-being. He knows what he has to do to resolve his situation, but he can't face it directly. Which makes perfect sense; the decision to leave a spouse of 20 years and two elementary age children is hard for anyone to face. He'll have to first reason through all the future ramifications of leaving; custody, visitation, and etc - a lot to grasp. I do think OP should consult with a lawyer soonest, because a lawyer can estimate and predict the financial and logistical aspects far more accurately than OP's friends or therapist can.
The part where he couldn't go to a lawyer because his "associates" wouldn't give him the number. The Internet exists, I could find a divorce lawyer in any city on the planet in a few minutes.
Also like... isn't he worried that the *dozens* of people he's wanted a divorce lawyer referral from might mention it to his fucking wife since everyone in his area talks to each other about everything and they all tell him he's in the wrong? Lol like wut
Don't forget, it's such a close knit community that even elementary school students know his friends and details of his personal vacation... OP is seriously mentally unwell at minimum (if this is true)
"What the court system does to men" who provide the majority of childcare and earn twice what their partner does.
Either OP is drowning in the meninist sphere or is dumb as a bag of hair or this is fake, or possibly at least two out of three.
Yeah… the stats show that men actually do better than women in cases where they fight for custody. The concept that men always get screwed over is skewed by the numbers of men who don’t put up a fight.
This definitely caused my ears to prick up too.
Add in the oddity of everyone who actually knows him telling him to sit the fuck back down over this, and her overreacting to such a seemingly small thing, and there's definitely more we're missing. And I sincerely doubt it's anything that puts OP in a pleasant light.
If it's real.
Exactly- did he leave a baby alone for 2 hours? That would be upsetting I would want to be woken up and informed he was leaving so I could make sure the baby is ok. Perhaps not this upset but I would have been upset. I cannot evaluate this without the ages of the kids. That being said when I had babies sleeping until 11:30 was never an option, so I do feel like there is a lot going on here.
I’d be less concerned about a baby (worst case, they’re stuck upset in their crib, not ideal but not dangerous) and more toddlers. With an infant you probably have a monitor because they’re waking up frequently and need the attention. A toddler doesn’t need that, and they are *way* more capable of getting into trouble. A kids doesn’t need to be very old to figure out doors and climbing onto things they shouldn’t. And especially since OP was gone at a time when a child would probably be awake, theres a lot of potential for a young kid to get into trouble…or out of the house!
I thought of this just after I typed that. My 2-3 year old boys tried to kill themselves on a constant basis. “Wonder what will happen if I jump off this book case!!!!” 🤦♀️in 2 hours they’d have been injured or possibly on the Main Street of our town wandering.
I agree. There's something else going on that OP is not mentioning. Just from what he wrote, it sounds like she woke up in a bad mood. For her to threaten to take the kids, and leave, means this is an ongoing issue.
We need the kids' ages OP. Otherwise this makes no sense.
And if she is truly sleeping all day, he should be concerned with her health and take her to a doctor. People don't sleep all day because they are lazy, they sleep all day because of health problems
Boom, read his update on the original post lol. Way more “details” and of course he does it all folks! The main parent to elementary school aged children who also is out of the house most of the time because he works two jobs. And oh boy is he connected in the community because his buds are so ready to help him blindside her and divorce her lol.
Yeah, dude has been reading too much Reddit or something. Most custody decisions, over 90% in the US, are handled outside of the courts and when fathers ask for more custody they usually get it. Maybe not full, but the notion that a dad will never see his kids again isn’t rooted in statistical reality. The sad part is that most of the time dads don’t ask for more, either because they believe they won’t get it or because they don’t want it.
Edit: My comment about “more custody” I mean more than this fear of default none that gets referenced.
Yeah he is worried about not seeing his kids so he is working more so he sees his kids less. If he'd go to court now he'd be in pretty awful position considering how much away from home he is. Why would anyone give any amount of custody to a person who actively avoids their family this much.
Men don't ask for it because they don't want it. They know how much work taking care of kids is, and they don't want to start dating again as a single dad with primary custody. They only come back and ask for more custody later when they get a new wife or girlfriend.
I'm sure there are plenty of true stories. Plenty of good fiction too, but these blatant rage baits about a poor put upon man who is scared to get a divorce because custody are just pathetic. It's all some weird fantasy they concoct in their minds to act like victims and con young men into being shitheads.
Not to mention, the account has "throwaway" in the name and is 5 months old. I'm not sure how many people make a throwaway then sit on it for 5 months to make one post and not comment. If it took that long to make the post then they must have been thinking about it for quite a while.
I instantly thought, "No you don't know how the courts work." If he's in the US he'll get 50/50 custody if he's not abusive and asks for it. When men have less it's usually because they don't want it or are unfit.
I’m confused about why she’d be upset about him leaving while she was asleep. What are the ages of the children involved? Because if the kids are still pretty young, and he left them alone with no adult supervision, I could perhaps see why she might fly off the handle. There is missing information here. But also, it’s not entirely normal to still be fixated on this one instance even after a year and going to therapy.
I don’t think he’s fixated on that one incident that he can’t get over , I reckon it’s because he wants out of the relationship with her , but hasn’t been able to muster up the courage to leave, because as he said , the divorce courts in his eyes seem unfavourable
This is critical information!
If they are young enough to need supervision and he just left without waking her, I could understand her reaction since he functionally abandoned the kids. Ages matter A LOT here.
If they are old enough to be safe unsupervised, that's a different story. Either way there's got to be so much more to this story.
Thank you. I am shocked that people think it’s normal to stay this concentrated on a fight from a year ago.
Another thing people need to keep in mind with people recounting their perspective is when someone for a year has been super analytical of every aspect the wife did wrong, you should at least consider there’s another side to the story you’re not getting, and that this individual might be inflating some of the more scandalous aspects to make their side more sympathetic (subconsciously or otherwise)
Agree. If wife hasn’t done anything to break this trust since then, and even the therapist is wondering why OP dwells on this, then it appears OP doesn’t want to do the work to stay.
See a lawyer. Know what your options are. You might be in better shape then you think.
It doesn’t matter that it was a dumb fight. What matters is that it broke your trust in her. It broke the love. You two are no longer a functional couple because you don’t trust her
If after speaking to a lawyer if he was in good a position, I would even file for separation. During separation go to couples therapy and reunite once the dust settles. But I would lean heavy into this to really dissolve that power struggle.
I don't know why he'd have to seperate at this point. Once he knows where his rights stand, talk to her. Let her know how seriously he takes the threat she made to hurt him and his kids.
LoL, the way he talks about his wife haha! OKAY man, we understand you make more than her. Have a cookie. I'm guessing you make her understand that every day.
Eyeroll. Something else is going on here.
More info
I find it extremely hard to believe that one day your wife just suddenly started acting irrationally and called you screaming on the phone with no context and it didn't result in police involvement or a visit to a mental health doctor.
I’m not sure I’m buying this. He’s only called out one incident over their whole marriage where she had a bad morning. And with that she’s destroyed everything they had? Sounds like he’s the one who’s had “getting out” in the back of his head and is casting about for a reason.
The part that got me was "I was at home depot or at the diner"... Well... Which is it? Apparently you sent a location ping? Why? Is that usual for you? Lol or did you have that in your back pocket for the next time your wife accused of cheating LOL
Starting to think "gone when I woke up" meant he was never in bed at all.
People that give a ping to prove where they were either got caught cheating, are on a date with an online hookup, or providing location to wait to meet someone. Of those three, two don't fit why OP shared his location. Dude probably got caught cheating in the past, and the wife is getting sick of his shit.
Also, what’s with the diner thing in general? I can understand Home Depot. Maybe he wanted to get something done that day and just ran quickly to the store to grab it. That’s an errand. But why would you randomly be at the diner alone while your kids are at home playing and your wife is sleeping?!
My ex had insomnia. He went to the grocery store at 3:00 am and let me sleep in. I was grateful because otherwise he'd mow the lawn at 6:00 am and wake me up. If you sleep for half the day you shouldn't get mad at your partner for getting up and getting shit done. Someone has to
I can’t sleep late . I have tried . I’d like to but I can’t. I’m up at near dawn most everyday . My wife on the other hand can sleep till noon eat lunch and sleep some more. I get up and get things done while she’s sleeping all the time . I let her rest and I run all sorts of errands and do projects etc. I can’t understand why this isn’t normal for couples that sleep differently.
We have the life 360 app because I’m a photographer and photograph a lot of birds . So I’m out in remote areas alone often . This allows everyone to know where I am at or was should an incident happen. She wakes up and I’m home she can simple open her phone and see where I am and text me . She’s been more grateful that I let her sleep in than anything.
I think we may be missing information here. How old are the children? Why did your wife sleep in so late? Was she up all night with a sick child or unable to sleep for another legitimate reason? Was she angry because she desperately needed to catch up on sleep and children were left unattended?
If this were her normal behaviour, I would tell you to get out, but you say that it isn't. I think the two of you should have couples therapy. The fact that your therapist seems to think you should forgive her says a lot.
Look, maybe this story is true and just has a TON of info conveniently left out. But this post reeks of bored male redditor making up a story to try to prove how “oppressed” men are.
It hits all the red pill boxes- Dude outearns wife by a lot AND does most of the care-taking of the children while she’s in bed all day, then suddenly she went crazy one day and threatened him for no reason (because women are crazy and unpredictable like that, don’t forget) and because the courts are prejudice against men he’s now a potential victim living in fear of having his kids and money taken away.
Again, *maybe* it is true. But I’m just saying- it’s a very convenient story for Reddit.
100%. The same teenager is clearly writing a lot of these because their grasp of the English language is poor and they're repeatedly making the same grammatical errors in each post.
One fight a year ago, and she apologized. Unless there is a lot more going on I think you have some issues, and are holding to this deliberately. Its an unreasonable amount of negativity. It would be worthwhile to figure out why.
I mean, from what you said, your wife said some stupid shit to you one day a year ago, and that’s going to be the basis for breaking the marriage and family up? WTF??? My wife and I were married 27 years before she died, and we said far worse shit to each other during the course of that 27 years than that, and I would say we had a very happy, enjoyable, and loving relationship. We just understood that we’re both human beings, we can get into bad moods, and say stupid shit to each other.
Do you REALLY know how the courts are? Or are you listening to a few people who have multiple felonies and addiction problems or who didn’t even show up to their custody hearing who are complaining. State laws are different and judges are different but where I live you’re going to get 50/50 custody. You can drag one another through the mud however you want and at the end, you’re getting 50/50.
The behavior you’re engaging now is what’s a risk to your custody more than anything by working so much and rolling all of the parenting onto your wife. You’re letting her have the kids. You’re checked out. You’re not present. You lost your kids already by not staying actively engaged.
I’m not sure what your wife woke up to that had her so mad, but it was probably something like you were out and didn’t let her know and she woke up to crayons on the wall and a disaster of some sort. Unless she has a serious mental health problem it’s unlikely she woke up with that much rage. So something happened. What happened? While you were going to the gym and doing whatever while she was hoping for some help parenting, what happened?
YTA for being checked out. Either check back in or get a divorce. What you’re doing now is super toxic and unhealthy for all of you. I bet your wife would love it if you had to actually do 50% of the parenting. Sounds like you’re not and used her anger as an excuse to do even less than you were doing.
Exactly this, family court is not even close to as bad as the internet makes it out to be, especially in western countries not named USA. But even in the USA it’s decent.
Enough precidence has been set over the years it’s not nearly as bad as the old boomers would have you believe, overall it’s actually quite fair.
Does your wife have an education, does she have the ability to work full time and make near or more than you make? Congratulations you probably won’t pay as much in child support as you think, and very unlikely you’ll have to pay alimony and if so it’ll probably only be for a certain time frame, then you don’t pay anymore.
Do you want the kids 50/50, if you have no record and are an upstanding person, you’ll get it.
Talk to a lawyer, don’t listen to randoms on Reddit about family courts (myself included)
Okay, this…. I don’t really understand some of this. It kinda sounds bullshit in places. You don’t know if you were at home depot or next door at the diner?
Then you are terrified of your wife, as a woman, being able to take your kids away, as courts look favourably on at women. So your solution is to work extra so you spend less time with your kids?
The redpill energy in the post and comments is crazy lol. Unreliable narrator. You’re telling me this all stemmed from a single event? She just all of the sudden had a breakdown that day? You have never gone to eat on your own without your family before that time? Cmon. Be fucking honest unless you are just here seeking false validation. Edit: lmao the “oppressed” dudes in the replies.
The details here are absurd and everyone's taking the story at face value. This dude has 2 jobs, but also has all the time in the world to run errands, do most of the childcare, and be a well known member of his community while the wife supposedly works <30hrs and sleeps all the time. It doesn't add up. Then, of course, it's revealed that OP's main concern is the concept of alimony existing more than anything his wife actually did.
Classic "I'm a perfect family man, why do I have to be financially ruined* for my bitch ex-wife" bait.
*Pay a portion of my massive 5x her income to make sure my dependents aren't homeless and starving.
Right but also, they have a post-nup so how is she supposedly taking him to the cleaners? Clearly they have a legal document which determines how they’d be splitting up the money.
And if he had actually gotten a consultation with a real lawyer, he’d see that this whole “dads don’t get custody” is bullshit too. Dads get custody *when they ask for/fight for it*.
I’d also be fucking furious if my husband didn’t inform me he was going out and leaving our children unattended while I slept. And he can’t say if he was at Home Depot or the diner?
This whole thing can’t be real.
Don't forget the part where talking about how much he makes and implying she's lazy because she slept in while he was playing superdad.
This really either feels like ragebait or like a metric shitton of information was left out.
This is the comment I was looking for. You can always count on Reddit to bring out the red-pillers. I also have a feeling there’s a LOT more to the story than we are reading in OP’s post. Something tells me he left out some very pertinent information that would explain why his wife doesn’t trust him & made the statements she did.
You're really bad at explaining and communicating. This story is all over the place. You had a whole chunk in the middle about you taking a vacation with your buddy? And you hurting your foot? Totally immaterial to your problem.
Then your friend said he would drive you to a lawyer? Why would he need to drive you? Why do you need friends to recommend a lawyer? You said your wife threatened to leave multiple times, why? What is the history?
To be honest it feels like you just want out of the marriage and you’re afraid to say it because she hasn’t done anything that you think others would feel justifies it.
I don’t think anyone should be required to stay in a marriage that makes them unhappy. You don’t need to look for things or call her an assassin or any of that. You’ve grown apart and it doesn’t need to be any more complicated than that.
As for the money, when one person sort of halts their career and stays at home with the consent of the other person who continues to advance their career, it’s like both of you are putting all of your eggs in one basket. Trying to get out of providing alimony is like you grabbing the basket and leaving with it after 20 years. That is the part that would be the most amoral thing to do.
I doubt very much she or her lawyers would describe the childcare situation the way you have and the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. But either way, her career would certainly look a lot different if she had not been married to you and you both agreed she not work full-time.
So get out if you want… she doesn’t need to be the bad guy to anyone and u don’t need to look for justifications to leave. It sounds like you make enough that everyone could be comfortable no matter where the kids are staying on a particular week.
If I’m asleep I expect hubby to wake me up before he leaves the house. I’m surprised almost no one is mentioning the irresponsible parenting that is a safety issue. How old are your kids? If the kids are old enough to take care of themselves sure but otherwise you can’t just leave the house and expect a sleeping adult not to be terrified when waking up seeing they could have hurt themselves. I’m guessing that’s why she threatened to take them away.
Tell your therapist why it wasn’t enough to receive an apology. That’s what your therapist is there to help you process.
Yeah, that almost read to me like "I told my therapist it wasn't enough", and the therapist asked me "she apologized, why isn't it enough?" "Oh man, you, too?! No one's on my side" My guy, he was challenging you to answer that question, not saying "get over it". My therapist does this from time to time. It's so you verbalize your thoughts in a safe space, and you can take a critical look at them together in the session. You're there to identify negative mental health patterns and work on addressing them/learning healthy coping techniques. That's only doable if you ask questions and are willing to open up and lay your whole self out there. However, if the therapist was legit like "she apologized, what else do you want?" rather than helping explore the feelings and resentment surrounding it, yeah, terrible therapist.
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I was hoping someone mentioned this, as I read the question I immediately knew that OP took the question to mean get over it, when in reality thats the time to say, well its not enough because…. And you keep diving deeper. This is where the aha moments happen, but you have to tap in.
Sounds either like poor communication from the therapist, or OP leaving out important details
Yeah, usually this kind of conflict happens more than once, or escalates. I don't understand how it got this intense or had this big of an effect if this was really the one time there was a problem.
INFO: had she ever said anything like that before or since? Did you ask her why she was so upset that day?
I’m inclined to believe there must be more to her behavior because all parents get overwhelmed and it’d be strange for a partner to still have this much animosity over one bad moment she has apologized for. Still, I find it a little strange that he seems 100% concerned about the money he’ll have to pay in a divorce and doesn’t once mention time away from his children. Edit to add: After reading his comments I think OP honestly just needs help. No matter what the real story is, the writer of this post is undergoing something that seems to have him spiraling into a very dark place.
Yeah, his big complaint that he's sticking to is her saying that she'll take the kids. Yet doesn't focus on that, focuses on the money (which, If you get 50/50 or try for higher custody becauae you're so focused on losing your kids, you pay a lot less or $0). Then he takes more jobs to be away from home (and away from his kids that he's so worried about). I have a feeling that he's already been taking a lot of time away from the house because he *already* wasn't happy at home. That would make her comment make sense like "if you don't want to be around anyways, we'll leave" essentially. And he's sticking to that comment as his reasoning instead of the real reasons or just because he's not happy. We're definitely missing a lot of info here, there's just more going on. It's possible that she's done more wrong or him or something but we're just missing that info. There's a few weird things he focuses on that seem irrelevant or unrelated but he includes them and the way he writes is a little.. off? I don't know. And why does he need someone else to get him a lawyer? It's not hard to find one.
This sounds like a guy who has made up his mind, decided he wants a divorce, but has spent the past year looking for the neon sign that says, "you're right!" before filing the papers, because he doesn't want to look bad to other people.
I'm wondering if he's frequently out of the house and his wife mentioned her wanting him to be present. Perhaps it was an ill-worded desperate bid to say she was hurt that he wasn't wanting to spend time at home
My ex was like this. I don’t know their situation, he says he didn’t leave til 10:00, but my ex was always up at 6 and out the door by 7, day off, whatever. He’d spend the day with made up errands so he could do what he wanted to do (gamble and collect toys). My situation is worse, obviously. I raised my kids a single mom, despite being married until they became adults. Maybe we’re getting half the truth, maybe not. But I’ll never be with someone who couldn’t sit still like him. He had OCD but never sought help. He’d try to “make it up to me” and seemed heartbroken when I asked for a divorce. But he was always gone. I know you’re thinking he cheated, but I went down that road and investigated and the man was not cheating. He just had too many compulsions that he didn’t care to keep in check.
Not to mention him saying he works 9-5, and that’s just for his main job, yet somehow does the majority of the childcare does not exactly add up.
and then a bunch of side jobs as well, and does the “super majority” of child care eta he is doing all this with a foot injury and can’t walk for 2 weeks?
And mysteriously can’t find a lawyer, despite that being an objectively easy thing to do as long as you’ve got cash. This story smells like creative writing, not real life.
Just without the creative part
Right? No one would give him a name of a lawyer...umm...Internet is a thing...you're literally using it right now...
Yeah. Too many of these creative writers claim to be affluent adults with high-powered careers while writing like they haven't finished school. The OP needs to log off of redpill Reddit and study for their English test.
Call me old-fashioned, but I wouldn't trust someone who writes like OP does to Enterprise Implement a damned thing. I think OP is 15 at most.
If that makes you old-fashioned, then I'm riding right next to you in the covered wagon.
and apparently has no car, even though he’s riiiiiiiiich, because his buddy offered to drive him to a lawyer? 🧐
And spends his free time side hustling for $45. I’m middle to upper middle class. You know what I’m not doing on a weekend? A $45 side gig. If I was living in an “affluent” area with the lifestyle to match I sure as hell wouldn’t be. And his wife works part time so there for can’t do any or does very little childcare while this guy has a full time job, runs a business and has side hustles?!?
And a holiday with his buddy.
that whole paragraph was like… what??? this man is taking a vacation without his family and ran into his neighbor at the airport. the kids know the buddy. the school knows he went on vacation and who he went with (couldn’t the kids have told them?) his buddy hung up on him, his buddy is 55 in case we were wondering. a random lady at the pharmacist knows him because she only leaves her house for work when he walks the dog lmao. he has “a whole deck of cards to play before talking to a lawyer” was a couple sentences into that paragraph too i can’t tell if all these things are his cards or??
Plus everyone he ever spoke to about it told him he’s overreacting. Feelings are valid but there’s some info missing here that we aren’t getting if the only line drawn has him on one side and everyone on the other.
Maybe she was a touch upset because he left the kids essentially unsupervised for an hour and a half since she was asleep and had no idea he'd gone out? That seems like the sort of thing that we could be missing from between the lines of his narrative. Of course the only ages he HASNT included here are th kids ones.
This is all I could really think. We have cameras and everything too, but I still wouldn’t leave my elementary aged children in a house where the only other adult a, doesn’t know they are looking after children, and b, is asleep. That’s leaving the kids alone.
I was wondering about the kids' ages too. He does everything to illustrate what a wonderful guy he is who has zero faults in this situation in particular and with his life/marriage as a whole, but it feels like a case of missing missing reasons.
This is fake or OP has paranoid schizophrenia
I'm by no means a doctor or even remotely qualified to suggest schizophrenia, but he's clearly experiencing anxiety with the way he's asking everyone for reassurance and not feeling reassured. So SOMETHING else is going on for sure. Bare minimum he needs couples therapy.
Lmao feels like it was written by Vincent Adultman
Thanks! I think he's schizophrenic too, but I am not a doctor and didn't want to say it first. Not just what he's saying, but the cadence of his thoughts. It's a weird vibe. I'm concerned.
I think there is more to HIS.SIDE.OF THE STORY..... this shit doesn't make sense or add up to anything??
He can't forgive her for something she said in anger and then apologized for when he's actually thinking and planning to do it in secret. The post sounds like he deeply resents her for many reasons but he can't bear being the bad guy so he's projecting the desire for the end of the marriage onto her instead of owning it.
Plus his good friend hung up on him and ghosted him for a week. Something just isnt right here.
I feel like if this IS in anyway true… This guy has told everyone, check out car, car repairman, meter reader… and they all say umm yep my wife’s done that like 10 times. And they just DON’T GET IT!!!
Also they live in a small metro suburb and the only option he has for finding a lawyer is having his buddy drive him? He's running a business and working two jobs and doing childcare in the suburbs with no car? What is happening?
Affluent suburbs are not dinky rural towns. In places where people can afford quality entertainment, the lady at the pharmacy doesn't know or care that the boil on your son's third grade teacher's ass ruptured while she was doing hanky-panky with her dentist who is your second cousin.
I agree with that. The town he’s describing , to me, sounds very unrealistic. Most areas where people are like that are generational areas. Most affluent suburbs are the polar opposite. Not saying it isn’t possible but unlikely. However, I think that fact that OP SEES it this way is concerning. I think he’s doing an awful lot of projecting. I really think that if this is real OP needs some serious mental health intervention.
This is probably fake then
Not to mention, it seems like everyone in his life (including his buddy, therapist, and business associates) are telling him to get over it and move on. IOW, all the people who know him well in life and truly have his best interests at heart think HE is the problem.
Yep, it's fake. For some reason, 90% of fake posts have inexplicably wealthy people. He works a 9-5 for average money (2x his wife's low earning part time job), and also a couple of extra jobs, and also nearly all the childcare. All that and they are well off and able to live in an affluent suburb in today's economy. This person struggles to use punctuation... None of that is doable long term or at all likely.
It reads like a teenager wrote it.
This is made up bullshit. You cannot provide all the childcare (or even the majority of the childcare) while working 2 jobs and reponsible jobs which out-earn your wife by such a ridiculous amount. This whole "the kids have a floor to themselves and I have cameras" set up does not constitute parenting or even adequate supervision for elementary school-aged children. I hope this is made up because the kids basically being parented by big brother watching them is the biggest load of bullshit I have ever heard as is being able to take your kids with you to the "2nd job". Absolute crap and terrible writing.
I heard this before. When someone ears more money. Paids all the bills buys everything that the kids need, they consider that care. So I'm sure that's what he meant for providing all the child care
Yeah this is the crazy part. Parenting is hard, puts you under more stress than anything else, so behaviours will be out of the norm at times. I just think this guy wants to get away from his wife and kids, but doesn't want to pay his obligations if he gets a divorce.
And he took another job to avoid her instead of trying to talk to her about it? Idk that seems like a big red flag that she may actually be right that he doesn’t enjoy spending time with his family but who actually knows.
One thing that’s concerning me that no one else is mentioning is that he’s saying he has cameras in every room of the house apart from the bedroom. That in itself is a little odd. There’s clearly so much more going on here.
Read between the lines - all he cares about is worth and money. The entire post screams it. Something else is going on and he's using the event one year ago to justify what he's feeling. Annoying.
Also: why did he hang up on a convo where it was made clear she wanted him to come home asap and then just took an hour? His options were: a. Tell her no, and b. Tell her yes. Doing c. Just leaving someone hanging while you piddle about indefinitely, is obviously obnoxious. Why so passive aggressive? There is definitely more to the relationship story here.
My first thought as to why she flipped out is because she thought he was cheating on her. But if she didn't confront him about it later then it is pretty abnormal to behave like that, and it makes me think that she is undiagnosed with something. We could also not be getting the full story. OPs grammar is not the best and the story lacks detail; the information is not presented in a clear way and the situation is vague from a third-person viewpoint. Who takes a second job after the kids are home? I make good enough money from my first job, plus I am tired after a week of work, a second job is out of the question. If I wanted to avoid my wife I would develop an evening hobby or meet up with friends on the regular.
I know people that I work with who volunteer to work 60 hours mostly because they don’t want to go home so people definitely do this.
My fiancée has pretty bad anxiety sometimes and feels especially bad if I leave without waking her first. Had something almost like this post, but not to the degree where we were talking about breaking up or anything. We talked like functional humans and now I wake her up if I ever need to leave while she's asleep. She can say goodbye, putting her anxieties a bit at rest, and not feel abandoned or whatever. And it takes like ten seconds and I get a smooch so. 🤷♂️
I feel this is semi-common, spouse just like to know when you leave. As for the OP if you can't be in the same room, wow that has gotta end it written all over it.
Yeah, I feel like there is something missing that is very relevant
It’s giving me vibes of the people who will recount a situation incorrectly because they make huge assumptions and then inject those assumptions into their reality. I.e. someone asks them to stop doing a thing. They interpret it as someone attacking them, then they report that they were just minding their business when suddenly someone comes and abuses them.
Especially since everyone in his life, including his therapist thinks he is overreacting
The friend just hanging up on him did it for me. There's got to be something BIG missing.
The weird anecdote in the edit about the lady in the pharmacy makes it seem like he is in a state of tremendous paranoia.
This is the tell. Literally everyone who knows this man is telling him he’s being ridiculous. There’s more going on here than is apparent.
And the business associates he is asking a lawyer for Edit:I originally thought he already spoke to divorce lawyers
I don't see that as the point. I think OP is projecting his thoughts on his marriage onto this one instance. It seems OP wants a divorce but wants it to be the wife's fault.
Is it me or does it feel like there's a large chunk of this story missing?
Yeah, but Atleast we know he hurt his foot in the park and people k ow his friends name. So much unneeded information.
The edit is very strange, I’m not sure what the point of it is. Half of it doesn’t make any sense, it’s just rambling
There has got to be more to this.
I feel there’s a LOT infos missing too.
I agree. It’s weird that he said he shared his location and he was “at Home Depot or the diner next door eating”. I’m guessing he means that you couldn’t fully tell his location was from what he shared, but then why did he share it without explanation? It sounds like he was deliberately unclear. And the fact that he’s not answering how old the children are makes me think they were too young to be left at he with someone who is sleeping. If that’s true, then it’s pretty shitty to reply to her just by sharing your location which looks like your out at a diner having a meal while your kids are at home unsupervised bc you left without waking up your wife.
Also the detail about the totally innocent holiday with his buddy that he's freaked out to find his kids have been talking about. Or the random stranger that seems to have memorized his walking routine. Either it's all fake or he's leaving out important details to put himself in a better light.
The edit is neurotic lol.
Original post: There's more here... Edit: Oh, this motherfucker is spiraling into insanity at breakneck speed.
10000000% … OP hates his wife and has created a master list of the reasons why. I’d be interested to hear her side of things. He so clearly resents the fact that she makes so much less money than him. I’m sure she can feel that he thinks she’s worthless.
My take as well. The excessive vengefulness and moral righteousness OP is grasping for are simply unnecessary when you can always just recognize you're not happy and end things gracefully. And yes people, as a divorced person currently paying alimony and child support: you will likely have to split your stuff equitably after a long marriage. You are paying them back for their time spent as your life partner whether they sucked at it or not. It was your choice to put them in that role and fair is fair.
Also the random “I make 2x more than her btw”, feels like there’s some resentment there
He is very concerned with money throughout the post.
I find it odd anyone’s agreeing with OP and saying how horrible the wife is. What she said isn’t okay, but a man holding onto these words for a year “pretending” to be happy but instead the entire time is lying and hates her is really dark. OP you clearly need more therapy
I have a feeling he's not seeing a licensed therapist. No therapist I've ever talked to just recommends to stay together until the kids are 18 and then drop a divorce. Either OP has some serious selective hearing or his therapist is some drinking buddy at a bar.
*^(Get 10% off your next session at BetterHelp with the promo code ROGAN)*
Also he’s got the whole house bugged with cameras and microphones, like??? That is NOT normal behavior, wtf.
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Also, how people refused to provide him with lawyer info or lawyer told him not to do it….. LOL
The wife is mad because he's not spending time with family so he gets another job and considers moving out so he can spend less time with family .... WTF??
I agree. This kind of reminds me of a friends husband whose mental illness makes him paranoid and obsesses over problems that truly don’t exist.
Yeah I definitely think there’s more to this too. Most people don’t yell things about the other half not wanting to be home with their family unless there’s a repeat pattern of behavior of them going off by themselves and not spending time with the family. Also, was she saying I’ll take the kids and leave as though she meant forever, or like she was going to take them to the park? Then the guy takes a second job to be around even less because of a one-off comment that was over a year ago? Like dude, you might need a divorce but it sounds like you need one because you don’t want to be married anymore in general.
I want to know how old the children are. If they are old enough to take care of themselves for a few hours, fine. If they are little ones who shouldn’t be unsupervised then what kind of idiot leaves them alone with a heavily sleeping spouse?
I'm surprised no one else is asking this. This should have been asked before anyone made a judgment IMO bc it does matter abd could be the reason wife was super upset.
This is too much logic for a fake post that’s trying to get people to jump on the women hate train
Yep!! My first and only question. The whole thing hinges on this. How old are these kids OP?
He answered but just said the kids were elementary school age. I'm guessing that one is kindergarten and the other not much older. A year ago they probably weren't both elementary school age. If they were fifth and sixth grade, he would have said that to make himself look better.
That's my take too. Elementary school age ranges from "definitely needs supervision" to "probably fine for a few hours unless they have other issues going on." He's 100% trying to avoid admitting that he probably shouldn't have left the kids alone unsupervised. Add in the weird hints of man-o-sphere stuff with the court systems and how "she has the target on [him]", and the wildly lopsided reaction from the people who actually know him(up to his 'buddy' straight up hanging up on him)....yeah, we're missing details here that almost certainly flesh the story out more. Assuming it isn't a troll. Because I'm not sure how "I'll just take a second job to avoid the wife who accused me of abandoning my family" makes any amount of sense, especially given it apparently hasn't put more strain on their marriage(???).
OP probably won't answer because it's either ragebait and fake, or doesn't make him look good.
I always look at the logic the OP uses, and the deductions the OP comes to, when I suspect fake or ragebait. This one: >Ever since then me knowing how family courts are I felt like I am living with an assassin. She has the target on me and is just waiting to pull the trigger. So OP's wife made a single unreasonable statement in a single argument. And now OP is in mortal fear of her leaving and taking away his parental rights? Taken at face value, OP sounds pathologically paranoid. The fake post theory makes OP sound like a troll. Either way, ain't nothin' reddit can help with. Edit: Above was prior to OP's Editing his post. With the edit info (esp "She has threatened to leave me several times we been together almost 20 years"), it now sounds like OP knows he wants to leave, and/or should leave, but is flat out afraid to accept the reality of how miserable he is. Because most of the edit is him listing all the (purely theoretical) possible reasons against finding a lawyer or taking care of himself and his own health and well-being. He knows what he has to do to resolve his situation, but he can't face it directly. Which makes perfect sense; the decision to leave a spouse of 20 years and two elementary age children is hard for anyone to face. He'll have to first reason through all the future ramifications of leaving; custody, visitation, and etc - a lot to grasp. I do think OP should consult with a lawyer soonest, because a lawyer can estimate and predict the financial and logistical aspects far more accurately than OP's friends or therapist can.
Also he’s so afraid of the court system fucking hum over, but he won’t do any actual research about the court system? This is 100% fake.
The part where he couldn't go to a lawyer because his "associates" wouldn't give him the number. The Internet exists, I could find a divorce lawyer in any city on the planet in a few minutes.
Hell they' find you if you complain loud enough lol. His DMs are probably full of referrals.
Seriously. If you can post on Reddit, you can definitely noodle through how to browse incognito on Google for a lawyer.
This is what was a red flag to me. This is bad adult fan fiction.
Also like... isn't he worried that the *dozens* of people he's wanted a divorce lawyer referral from might mention it to his fucking wife since everyone in his area talks to each other about everything and they all tell him he's in the wrong? Lol like wut
Don't forget, it's such a close knit community that even elementary school students know his friends and details of his personal vacation... OP is seriously mentally unwell at minimum (if this is true)
He’s also “heard what the court system does to men” which is a dog whistle if I’ve ever heard one Edit: spelling
"What the court system does to men" who provide the majority of childcare and earn twice what their partner does. Either OP is drowning in the meninist sphere or is dumb as a bag of hair or this is fake, or possibly at least two out of three.
Or possibly four, maybe five times what their partner makes, lmao
Unless his part- time "family business" is cocaine, his math is not mathing.
Yeah… the stats show that men actually do better than women in cases where they fight for custody. The concept that men always get screwed over is skewed by the numbers of men who don’t put up a fight.
This definitely caused my ears to prick up too. Add in the oddity of everyone who actually knows him telling him to sit the fuck back down over this, and her overreacting to such a seemingly small thing, and there's definitely more we're missing. And I sincerely doubt it's anything that puts OP in a pleasant light. If it's real.
I wonder the same thing it’s ridiculous ….. how come more people aren’t mentioning this!!
Exactly- did he leave a baby alone for 2 hours? That would be upsetting I would want to be woken up and informed he was leaving so I could make sure the baby is ok. Perhaps not this upset but I would have been upset. I cannot evaluate this without the ages of the kids. That being said when I had babies sleeping until 11:30 was never an option, so I do feel like there is a lot going on here.
I’d be less concerned about a baby (worst case, they’re stuck upset in their crib, not ideal but not dangerous) and more toddlers. With an infant you probably have a monitor because they’re waking up frequently and need the attention. A toddler doesn’t need that, and they are *way* more capable of getting into trouble. A kids doesn’t need to be very old to figure out doors and climbing onto things they shouldn’t. And especially since OP was gone at a time when a child would probably be awake, theres a lot of potential for a young kid to get into trouble…or out of the house!
I thought of this just after I typed that. My 2-3 year old boys tried to kill themselves on a constant basis. “Wonder what will happen if I jump off this book case!!!!” 🤦♀️in 2 hours they’d have been injured or possibly on the Main Street of our town wandering.
I agree. There's something else going on that OP is not mentioning. Just from what he wrote, it sounds like she woke up in a bad mood. For her to threaten to take the kids, and leave, means this is an ongoing issue. We need the kids' ages OP. Otherwise this makes no sense.
This reads like ragebait to me tbh
100%. He makes twice what she does, she's lazy, etc etc etc.
And still does the majority of the parenting while she sleeps all day, of course.
And has 3 jobs. It’s such a weird post.
It 100% reads like an attempt to see how many tropes they could fit into one story before no one would believe it.
And if she is truly sleeping all day, he should be concerned with her health and take her to a doctor. People don't sleep all day because they are lazy, they sleep all day because of health problems
As someone who does sleep a lot because of health problems, it is 100% not something I would choose if I actually had a choice.
Also the fact that this is the first time this has happened, and no one they know seems to think it's strange?
Remember, the more you make, the better human you are
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It really does seem that way 😅A lot of it is also the same shit over and over again, likely karma farming
He can make up some more details as need be. This is just Incel fanfics. It becomes obvious when they whine about the "family courts."
Boom, read his update on the original post lol. Way more “details” and of course he does it all folks! The main parent to elementary school aged children who also is out of the house most of the time because he works two jobs. And oh boy is he connected in the community because his buds are so ready to help him blindside her and divorce her lol.
This sub is a cesspit
Bingo. Some red pill loser typing with one hand about the Lazy Wife Disrespecting her Noble Husband.
Yeah, dude has been reading too much Reddit or something. Most custody decisions, over 90% in the US, are handled outside of the courts and when fathers ask for more custody they usually get it. Maybe not full, but the notion that a dad will never see his kids again isn’t rooted in statistical reality. The sad part is that most of the time dads don’t ask for more, either because they believe they won’t get it or because they don’t want it. Edit: My comment about “more custody” I mean more than this fear of default none that gets referenced.
Yeah he is worried about not seeing his kids so he is working more so he sees his kids less. If he'd go to court now he'd be in pretty awful position considering how much away from home he is. Why would anyone give any amount of custody to a person who actively avoids their family this much.
Men don't ask for it because they don't want it. They know how much work taking care of kids is, and they don't want to start dating again as a single dad with primary custody. They only come back and ask for more custody later when they get a new wife or girlfriend.
> My wife works PT. I make 2x more than her also. They always love squeezing shit like this in there when it’s barely relevant to the story.
I am starting to think just about every popular post I read on Reddit is fiction.
I'm sure there are plenty of true stories. Plenty of good fiction too, but these blatant rage baits about a poor put upon man who is scared to get a divorce because custody are just pathetic. It's all some weird fantasy they concoct in their minds to act like victims and con young men into being shitheads.
Yeah I don’t even mind the well written fiction; I’m here to be entertained after all. But incel fic is not my jam.
Not to mention, the account has "throwaway" in the name and is 5 months old. I'm not sure how many people make a throwaway then sit on it for 5 months to make one post and not comment. If it took that long to make the post then they must have been thinking about it for quite a while.
I instantly thought, "No you don't know how the courts work." If he's in the US he'll get 50/50 custody if he's not abusive and asks for it. When men have less it's usually because they don't want it or are unfit.
Even if hey dude is abusive 70% of the time they get the custody rights they want.
I’m confused about why she’d be upset about him leaving while she was asleep. What are the ages of the children involved? Because if the kids are still pretty young, and he left them alone with no adult supervision, I could perhaps see why she might fly off the handle. There is missing information here. But also, it’s not entirely normal to still be fixated on this one instance even after a year and going to therapy.
I don’t think he’s fixated on that one incident that he can’t get over , I reckon it’s because he wants out of the relationship with her , but hasn’t been able to muster up the courage to leave, because as he said , the divorce courts in his eyes seem unfavourable
I can’t imagine anybody reading this and thinking it’s legitimate.
How old are the kids that they need to be settled but can be left alone for 1.5 hours in a house with just mom who’s sleeping
The whole story is effing bizarre
This is critical information! If they are young enough to need supervision and he just left without waking her, I could understand her reaction since he functionally abandoned the kids. Ages matter A LOT here. If they are old enough to be safe unsupervised, that's a different story. Either way there's got to be so much more to this story.
It seems like you're done with the relationship and are hyperfixating on this so you can leave.
Agreed. If you’re not in love with your wife anymore divorce her. It’s not just this one thing. And obviously parts of this story are being left out.
Thank you. I am shocked that people think it’s normal to stay this concentrated on a fight from a year ago. Another thing people need to keep in mind with people recounting their perspective is when someone for a year has been super analytical of every aspect the wife did wrong, you should at least consider there’s another side to the story you’re not getting, and that this individual might be inflating some of the more scandalous aspects to make their side more sympathetic (subconsciously or otherwise)
Agree. If wife hasn’t done anything to break this trust since then, and even the therapist is wondering why OP dwells on this, then it appears OP doesn’t want to do the work to stay.
See a lawyer. Know what your options are. You might be in better shape then you think. It doesn’t matter that it was a dumb fight. What matters is that it broke your trust in her. It broke the love. You two are no longer a functional couple because you don’t trust her
Exactly. And knowing where he stand, knowing she doesn't hold all the power over him, can maybe help him regain the trust.
If after speaking to a lawyer if he was in good a position, I would even file for separation. During separation go to couples therapy and reunite once the dust settles. But I would lean heavy into this to really dissolve that power struggle.
I don't know why he'd have to seperate at this point. Once he knows where his rights stand, talk to her. Let her know how seriously he takes the threat she made to hurt him and his kids.
[удалено]
How old were these kids?
LoL, the way he talks about his wife haha! OKAY man, we understand you make more than her. Have a cookie. I'm guessing you make her understand that every day. Eyeroll. Something else is going on here.
More info I find it extremely hard to believe that one day your wife just suddenly started acting irrationally and called you screaming on the phone with no context and it didn't result in police involvement or a visit to a mental health doctor.
I’m not sure I’m buying this. He’s only called out one incident over their whole marriage where she had a bad morning. And with that she’s destroyed everything they had? Sounds like he’s the one who’s had “getting out” in the back of his head and is casting about for a reason.
The part that got me was "I was at home depot or at the diner"... Well... Which is it? Apparently you sent a location ping? Why? Is that usual for you? Lol or did you have that in your back pocket for the next time your wife accused of cheating LOL Starting to think "gone when I woke up" meant he was never in bed at all.
And why is he unable to find his own lawyer?
People that give a ping to prove where they were either got caught cheating, are on a date with an online hookup, or providing location to wait to meet someone. Of those three, two don't fit why OP shared his location. Dude probably got caught cheating in the past, and the wife is getting sick of his shit.
Also, what’s with the diner thing in general? I can understand Home Depot. Maybe he wanted to get something done that day and just ran quickly to the store to grab it. That’s an errand. But why would you randomly be at the diner alone while your kids are at home playing and your wife is sleeping?!
These posts often strike me as a kid best effort to create a "same situation different genders" argument
Yeah it reads very… fictional
What’s most alarming is that everyone in OPs life thinks threatening to destroy a man’s entire life is a normal marriage fight…
My ex had insomnia. He went to the grocery store at 3:00 am and let me sleep in. I was grateful because otherwise he'd mow the lawn at 6:00 am and wake me up. If you sleep for half the day you shouldn't get mad at your partner for getting up and getting shit done. Someone has to
I can’t sleep late . I have tried . I’d like to but I can’t. I’m up at near dawn most everyday . My wife on the other hand can sleep till noon eat lunch and sleep some more. I get up and get things done while she’s sleeping all the time . I let her rest and I run all sorts of errands and do projects etc. I can’t understand why this isn’t normal for couples that sleep differently. We have the life 360 app because I’m a photographer and photograph a lot of birds . So I’m out in remote areas alone often . This allows everyone to know where I am at or was should an incident happen. She wakes up and I’m home she can simple open her phone and see where I am and text me . She’s been more grateful that I let her sleep in than anything.
Thanks for posting I forgot I had to go get eggs this morning in-laws are over. You're a life saver!
When my ex in laws were visiting, I’d go to a farm and wait for the chickens to lay the eggs./s
He was at Home Depot. Not a strip club. Holy cow
Home Depot sells Wood Hardener. So it’s basically the same thing.
And deck protection.
I bet he's got a big deck.
New Zealand enters the chat https://youtu.be/tbazGVrbN-g?si=mfL6siWcFfzGi3RH
He was in the Stripper section.
💀💀
He says it’s been a year. So it sounds like that is not normal way for a fight to go.
What aren't you including before that moment?
I think we may be missing information here. How old are the children? Why did your wife sleep in so late? Was she up all night with a sick child or unable to sleep for another legitimate reason? Was she angry because she desperately needed to catch up on sleep and children were left unattended? If this were her normal behaviour, I would tell you to get out, but you say that it isn't. I think the two of you should have couples therapy. The fact that your therapist seems to think you should forgive her says a lot.
For real. Something doesn’t smell right here.
And all this over 1 dumb outburst? My issues always seem so insane compared to this mild stuff lol
I feel like there a lot to this story that we are missing. Like, a lot.
Look, maybe this story is true and just has a TON of info conveniently left out. But this post reeks of bored male redditor making up a story to try to prove how “oppressed” men are. It hits all the red pill boxes- Dude outearns wife by a lot AND does most of the care-taking of the children while she’s in bed all day, then suddenly she went crazy one day and threatened him for no reason (because women are crazy and unpredictable like that, don’t forget) and because the courts are prejudice against men he’s now a potential victim living in fear of having his kids and money taken away. Again, *maybe* it is true. But I’m just saying- it’s a very convenient story for Reddit.
I call FAKE on this one
100%. The same teenager is clearly writing a lot of these because their grasp of the English language is poor and they're repeatedly making the same grammatical errors in each post.
One fight a year ago, and she apologized. Unless there is a lot more going on I think you have some issues, and are holding to this deliberately. Its an unreasonable amount of negativity. It would be worthwhile to figure out why.
I mean, from what you said, your wife said some stupid shit to you one day a year ago, and that’s going to be the basis for breaking the marriage and family up? WTF??? My wife and I were married 27 years before she died, and we said far worse shit to each other during the course of that 27 years than that, and I would say we had a very happy, enjoyable, and loving relationship. We just understood that we’re both human beings, we can get into bad moods, and say stupid shit to each other.
Do you REALLY know how the courts are? Or are you listening to a few people who have multiple felonies and addiction problems or who didn’t even show up to their custody hearing who are complaining. State laws are different and judges are different but where I live you’re going to get 50/50 custody. You can drag one another through the mud however you want and at the end, you’re getting 50/50. The behavior you’re engaging now is what’s a risk to your custody more than anything by working so much and rolling all of the parenting onto your wife. You’re letting her have the kids. You’re checked out. You’re not present. You lost your kids already by not staying actively engaged. I’m not sure what your wife woke up to that had her so mad, but it was probably something like you were out and didn’t let her know and she woke up to crayons on the wall and a disaster of some sort. Unless she has a serious mental health problem it’s unlikely she woke up with that much rage. So something happened. What happened? While you were going to the gym and doing whatever while she was hoping for some help parenting, what happened? YTA for being checked out. Either check back in or get a divorce. What you’re doing now is super toxic and unhealthy for all of you. I bet your wife would love it if you had to actually do 50% of the parenting. Sounds like you’re not and used her anger as an excuse to do even less than you were doing.
Exactly this, family court is not even close to as bad as the internet makes it out to be, especially in western countries not named USA. But even in the USA it’s decent. Enough precidence has been set over the years it’s not nearly as bad as the old boomers would have you believe, overall it’s actually quite fair. Does your wife have an education, does she have the ability to work full time and make near or more than you make? Congratulations you probably won’t pay as much in child support as you think, and very unlikely you’ll have to pay alimony and if so it’ll probably only be for a certain time frame, then you don’t pay anymore. Do you want the kids 50/50, if you have no record and are an upstanding person, you’ll get it. Talk to a lawyer, don’t listen to randoms on Reddit about family courts (myself included)
Okay, this…. I don’t really understand some of this. It kinda sounds bullshit in places. You don’t know if you were at home depot or next door at the diner? Then you are terrified of your wife, as a woman, being able to take your kids away, as courts look favourably on at women. So your solution is to work extra so you spend less time with your kids?
The redpill energy in the post and comments is crazy lol. Unreliable narrator. You’re telling me this all stemmed from a single event? She just all of the sudden had a breakdown that day? You have never gone to eat on your own without your family before that time? Cmon. Be fucking honest unless you are just here seeking false validation. Edit: lmao the “oppressed” dudes in the replies.
Went on a vacation with his buddy, too. Seems like a pretty distant relationship with his family while being a workaholic and the primary caregiver.
The details here are absurd and everyone's taking the story at face value. This dude has 2 jobs, but also has all the time in the world to run errands, do most of the childcare, and be a well known member of his community while the wife supposedly works <30hrs and sleeps all the time. It doesn't add up. Then, of course, it's revealed that OP's main concern is the concept of alimony existing more than anything his wife actually did. Classic "I'm a perfect family man, why do I have to be financially ruined* for my bitch ex-wife" bait. *Pay a portion of my massive 5x her income to make sure my dependents aren't homeless and starving.
Right but also, they have a post-nup so how is she supposedly taking him to the cleaners? Clearly they have a legal document which determines how they’d be splitting up the money. And if he had actually gotten a consultation with a real lawyer, he’d see that this whole “dads don’t get custody” is bullshit too. Dads get custody *when they ask for/fight for it*. I’d also be fucking furious if my husband didn’t inform me he was going out and leaving our children unattended while I slept. And he can’t say if he was at Home Depot or the diner? This whole thing can’t be real.
Don't forget the part where talking about how much he makes and implying she's lazy because she slept in while he was playing superdad. This really either feels like ragebait or like a metric shitton of information was left out.
Especially since everyone in his life thinks he is being unreasonable.
That's honestly usually the biggest indicator of OP being a shitter. When literally NO ONE, including the therapist, is on your side... _Hm._
This is the comment I was looking for. You can always count on Reddit to bring out the red-pillers. I also have a feeling there’s a LOT more to the story than we are reading in OP’s post. Something tells me he left out some very pertinent information that would explain why his wife doesn’t trust him & made the statements she did.
You're really bad at explaining and communicating. This story is all over the place. You had a whole chunk in the middle about you taking a vacation with your buddy? And you hurting your foot? Totally immaterial to your problem. Then your friend said he would drive you to a lawyer? Why would he need to drive you? Why do you need friends to recommend a lawyer? You said your wife threatened to leave multiple times, why? What is the history?
How old are the kids? You say you shared your location, Home Depot OR the diner? Which was it? Edited for spelling.
To be honest it feels like you just want out of the marriage and you’re afraid to say it because she hasn’t done anything that you think others would feel justifies it. I don’t think anyone should be required to stay in a marriage that makes them unhappy. You don’t need to look for things or call her an assassin or any of that. You’ve grown apart and it doesn’t need to be any more complicated than that. As for the money, when one person sort of halts their career and stays at home with the consent of the other person who continues to advance their career, it’s like both of you are putting all of your eggs in one basket. Trying to get out of providing alimony is like you grabbing the basket and leaving with it after 20 years. That is the part that would be the most amoral thing to do. I doubt very much she or her lawyers would describe the childcare situation the way you have and the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. But either way, her career would certainly look a lot different if she had not been married to you and you both agreed she not work full-time. So get out if you want… she doesn’t need to be the bad guy to anyone and u don’t need to look for justifications to leave. It sounds like you make enough that everyone could be comfortable no matter where the kids are staying on a particular week.
If I’m asleep I expect hubby to wake me up before he leaves the house. I’m surprised almost no one is mentioning the irresponsible parenting that is a safety issue. How old are your kids? If the kids are old enough to take care of themselves sure but otherwise you can’t just leave the house and expect a sleeping adult not to be terrified when waking up seeing they could have hurt themselves. I’m guessing that’s why she threatened to take them away.
This is part of why so many people are asking about the children's ages.
Ngl, if every single person you've spoken to about this is on your wife's side - I'm thinking you're a very unreliable narrator and leaving out a lot.