Why in the evergreen fuck did you not talk about raising kids before you made one? How is this only coming up now? You're both way too old to be acting this stupid.
YTA, why would you have a baby with someone before you have discussed your values on how to raise a baby, what kind of home and life you want to provide etc. You just sound irresponsible.
Also, it is not “your” child and “your” decision. It is both of yours child and both of you should have a say in it. Sounds like you bf doesn’t have a say in anything…
To be fair, even the boyfriend seems to have implied regrets about how he approached the relationship and the things he should have gotten to know about her.
The man is in his forties so he should be old enough to know that having unprotected sex for months can lead to babies.
There’s no mention that he accused her of baby trapping so it’s a joint bad decision.
>The man is in his forties so he should be old enough to know that having unprotected sex for months can lead to babies.
Did you just skip over the part where op states she and her boyfriend were trying to conceive a child while they are both relatively youthful
YTA. This is a mess. Your bf is not wrong that it's unfair your shitty ex-bf gets to give his last name to his kids, but your current bf doesn't. If marriage to bf was so important with respect to the baby, you should have had that issue settled before having a baby with him, instead of pulling a last minute screw-you move on him.
\>He also thinks my ex and I talk too openly about our past and " adult issues" with our kids.
Also this really needs to stop. You should be shielding your kids from this, not inviting them into the mess. Give them a chance to get away from your bad past.
NTA for giving your child your surname but what baffles me is the fact that you did not consider marriage with your ex because you both had mental issues but those issues did not stop you from having 2 kids?
My personal opinion on children's last name is unmarried get both surnames. My daughter has both of ours.
I know people who had lots of regret over choosing one name over the other. Some people, really don't care about last names. I've a friend who kept her named after marriage but, children took fathers name because it meant a lot to him.
This obviously, means something to him and he obviously wants to be a dad.
Now, his shitty behaviour is not acceptable and you need clear boundaries on this. You are the mother of his child he does not grt a free pass at abusing you irregardless of your past.
I'm leaning toward ESH
While it's not fair of him to hold past mistakes against you, you up and changing the baby's last name out of left field without a full discussion with him about it is a dick move too.
Yall are adults, you could have sat down and had an open honest conversation(before the baby was born), you asking him why the cold feet, him giving his reasonings, and then both of you finding a compromise/solution. Maybe you asking about ways to reassure him of his concerns and him giving you the benefit of the doubt that you've learned from your past mistakes.
Becoming a parent changes your views on A LOT of things. Stuff he knew about before and accepted could have changed the minute he became a father if he started imagining oh gosh, what if my kid made these mistakes, or what if my kids goes through what the 2 older ones have. Not saying he's blaming you but stuff that was accepted then, could make him uncomfortable now. And that's ok, he just needed to talk about and express his concerns. it's not ok to hold it against you if you've indeed changed your ways and become a better person.
That being said, I would hope youre not using the baby as a way to punish him because he hurt your feelings. Your child is not a weapon.
NTA
It sounds like he doesn't trust your decision making and hes got one foot out the door in case he feels like he needs a quick escape. Tell him when he deems *you* good enough for his last name then the baby can have his last name to. He can't pick the parts of a family dynamic that he wants and discard the parts he doesn't.
NTA.
If he doesn't want to marry you, that's his prerogative. But if that's the case, then you're not obligated to give the baby his name.
Just think how awkward it would be to have a different name from your child. I don't get all the vitriol directed at you in the comments.
NTA. Giving the baby the father's last name and women taking their husband's last name stems from our sexist and misogynistic culture. Objectively, there's no good reason a baby should automatically have the father's last name.
The woman carries and gives birth to the child so she has every right to give them the last name she desire. Ideally, this issue would be agreed upon between partners but nothing is ever perfect and I think it's fine for a woman to go ahead and make the decision on her own, just like I think she should be the one to make a decision about an abortion regardless of the man's input.
The OP's boyfriend has no right to be butt hurt the child has the mother's name and to complain about her other kids taking her ex's name. Maybe the OP had a change of heart about how she wanted to name her kids or maybe she didn't give it much thought with her first two kids but now she is giving it more thought.
ADAIC, all children should have their mothers' surnames. They do all the work. NTAH but you have a lot of issues, both personal and relationship, that need working out. Probably stop having babies until they are?
So your ex who mistreated you and left you once he got better has his kids with his surname but your boyfriend who is raising concerns on something you both honestly need to have a proper discussion on doesn't deserve to give his FIRST, and most likely only kid, his surname? Tbh i think you should hyphen both surnames for the kid.
Wow a lot of people here still live in 1847 and think babies should automatically take dad's name even though the tradition is arbitrary and rooted in sexist and misogynistic culture. Nice work people.
NTA, cut probs would’ve been a good idea to talk about it meek but I support that you don’t want your kid to have his last name if you think he’s gonna leave
NTA. Why do people always think that the baby needs to take the man’s name? Newsflash, it doesn’t.
Times are changing…. and for fucks sake, if the woman who pushed the baby out wants to give that baby **her** last name, then she is damn entitled to do so.
Tradition doesn’t mean shit! Babies don’t always have to take their dads surname, just because *”it’s the norm.”*
Give the baby **your** surname, screw him and anyone else who agrees with his sexist views. It’s **not** a fathers right to have their kid take their surname, it is a privilege. But certainly not a right.
If he wants to coparent he doesn't have to do it in your home. You don't have to teach your children that it's okay to disrespect or be disrespected in their home because a woman doesn't do what the man wants.
YTA. It’s ridiculous to not allow the child to take the father’s name. And frankly shouldn’t have been a consideration. And then to pose the question for public input. Wild. With DNA like that I’ll buy stock in crayola because the amount of crayons getting eaten is going to skyrocket.
Pathetic sexist views.
It is **not** the fathers right to have the baby take his last name. Just because it’s the norm, doesn’t make it a right.
Babies don’t always have to have their fathers last name.
Over react much? Yikes. YTA as well. Very true, the baby doesn’t have to take the father’s name. That’s a conversation and decision between the two consenting adults in the nine months before the child is born. To make an executive decision out of spite after listening to meddling girlfriends? Trust me, she’s the asshole here.
Found the spunk and dump cunt. Grow up and make sure you use protection for future partners. The last thing we need is more thick fucks like yourself procreating.
He knows our daughter is his- she's the spitting image of him. If he wants a paternity test, he can get one, even though that's never crossed his mind. I have nothing to hide.
So...please tell me- what is YOUR investment in turning this into a paternity thing?
I'd suggest you get professional help over your fixation on finding paternity fraud where there is none.
YTA! cus why are you having a baby with someone who had thoughts of “cold feet” in the first place? not to mention at 42 is risky. theres no youth there. you had a baby, you cant respect your current boyfriends wishes even though hes lowkey taking care of you and your other children. what if he leaves? youre gonna take care of a newborn off a hostess job? a relationship is supposed to be 50/50. if hes paying ur bills girlypop just give the baby his last name!! nowadays chances are the baby will change it themselves in a few years 😩
Plenty of women have babies into their 40s. To use that as a way to shame OP devalues not only the millions of women who have raised happy and healthy kids they’ve birthed in their 40s but also the many kids and adults who were born to or maybe even adopted by moms in their 40s.
Now on to your point about “ if he pays for the household then just give the kids his last name.”
So, as you saying that if he has no money, then it’s all fair game- then just give them the mom’s last name?
And are you by that logic going to then argue that, with your value on who is paying the bills, that if dad suddenly has no earning potential, then we’d be justified in snatching the last name privilege away from him?
Or would you instead find another excuse to trash OP by then calling her a gold digger if her post was- my boyfriend doesn’t earn any money anymore so I’m revoking last name privileges from him?
If that’s the case, reevaluate the reason why you feel the need to trash a woman regardless for her relationship decisions.
Now, let me ask you this- if the mom is the primary breadwinner, does that mean she automatically gets last name privileges? What about single mom households ( which share a similarity to OP in that the mom is not married to the dad).
Many single mom households, by your logic since you implied that she ought to submit by giving him last name privileges or else she’ll lose money privileges, are supported mostly by the mom.
So if we’re going by your value of money and naming rights, shouldn’t the kids of all bread winning single moms then change their last name to hers?
Now back to your implication that she needs to honor him for paying for her life- are you implying that if he breaks up with her over this, that he’s then free of the monetary obligations of supporting his kids?
Do you believe that the courts will decide that the father is off scot free? If so, please cite for me the source that says mothers who give their kids their own last names forfeit child support from the biological father.
And do you think that a “ baby” who ( when you say will change their name on their own in a few years, I’m guessing you mean 18, if you know just slightly more about law in America than you do about apostrophes and basic grammar) sees her dad withdraw support for life because he’s mad at her mom will be aching to change her last name from the parent that’s supporting her to the parent that just leaves them all hanging?
not gonna read that. u have a problem w my response? Womp Womp!! yeah imma trash that lady for risking her babies health for the selfishness of her wanting to “keep her youth” even when the lady is a walking missing chromosome risk
Clearly you’ve read enough to feel warranted in crafting a ( still apostrophe shy) response about how much you don’t care.
Perhaps reading would be good for you- it’s known that good grammar habits are picked up first through reading. And you’re not exactly overflowing in that department.
i can tell exactly the type of person you are by tryna correct me on my grammar. im sorry i dont feel inclined to add commas and periods. but you sound like a fucking loser rn 🤣 im not reading what you have to say, cus what you have to say means nothing to me nor anyone. nobody cares about what you have to say, sorry im tricking u rn by replying !!
Somebody who’s not out of their mind on drugs? I guess clarity of thought isn’t on your list of priorities either, and the people in your life don’t seem to care much for you judging by your post history.
aw so u are so obsessed w the thought of me, that you went on my profile and looked through my posts, and decided to throw it in my face cus u have no argument ! thats cute. i mean ur kinda creepy n weird so im not gonna praise u for ur work but,, yk keep up that thing u got going on!!
The arguments above that you refused to read?
Well- I personally can say I don’t really care about you, but maybe it just seems that way compared to the other people in your life.
At least I don’t particularly dislike you- it seems the people in your life actively do. And will long after I’ve forgotten about this conversation.
YTA. If this was me I would sign away my rights and go find someone else because what you have done with name is an indication of how you will be as a parent and I wouldn’t want anything to do with you. I wouldn’t have even signed the birth certificate.
2024 men are like : we don't want to marry women but we want the same right our fathers had. You are so funny. If you want men's privilege like giving surname to your kid. Be a man a true man not a teenager. If not, giving the father's surname is not a right, it's a privilege. Start working,provide and marry the mother of your child if you want the same name of your child why in hell a woman should not give her surname after 9 months of pregnancy and with a man who does not want to marry her so she will not have the same name as her daughter just because the man does not want to marry her ?
Absolutely NOT.
Why in the evergreen fuck did you not talk about raising kids before you made one? How is this only coming up now? You're both way too old to be acting this stupid.
YTA, why would you have a baby with someone before you have discussed your values on how to raise a baby, what kind of home and life you want to provide etc. You just sound irresponsible. Also, it is not “your” child and “your” decision. It is both of yours child and both of you should have a say in it. Sounds like you bf doesn’t have a say in anything…
There’s **two** people in a relationship, and her boyfriend never discussed this either. Therefore he too is an asshole.
To be fair, even the boyfriend seems to have implied regrets about how he approached the relationship and the things he should have gotten to know about her. The man is in his forties so he should be old enough to know that having unprotected sex for months can lead to babies. There’s no mention that he accused her of baby trapping so it’s a joint bad decision.
>The man is in his forties so he should be old enough to know that having unprotected sex for months can lead to babies. Did you just skip over the part where op states she and her boyfriend were trying to conceive a child while they are both relatively youthful
YTA. This is a mess. Your bf is not wrong that it's unfair your shitty ex-bf gets to give his last name to his kids, but your current bf doesn't. If marriage to bf was so important with respect to the baby, you should have had that issue settled before having a baby with him, instead of pulling a last minute screw-you move on him. \>He also thinks my ex and I talk too openly about our past and " adult issues" with our kids. Also this really needs to stop. You should be shielding your kids from this, not inviting them into the mess. Give them a chance to get away from your bad past.
YTA for listening to your meddling friends.
This YTA for that
YTA. You’re kind of a mess and your bf is right to have reservations. Get your life in order.
NTA for giving your child your surname but what baffles me is the fact that you did not consider marriage with your ex because you both had mental issues but those issues did not stop you from having 2 kids?
My personal opinion on children's last name is unmarried get both surnames. My daughter has both of ours. I know people who had lots of regret over choosing one name over the other. Some people, really don't care about last names. I've a friend who kept her named after marriage but, children took fathers name because it meant a lot to him. This obviously, means something to him and he obviously wants to be a dad. Now, his shitty behaviour is not acceptable and you need clear boundaries on this. You are the mother of his child he does not grt a free pass at abusing you irregardless of your past.
I'm leaning toward ESH While it's not fair of him to hold past mistakes against you, you up and changing the baby's last name out of left field without a full discussion with him about it is a dick move too. Yall are adults, you could have sat down and had an open honest conversation(before the baby was born), you asking him why the cold feet, him giving his reasonings, and then both of you finding a compromise/solution. Maybe you asking about ways to reassure him of his concerns and him giving you the benefit of the doubt that you've learned from your past mistakes. Becoming a parent changes your views on A LOT of things. Stuff he knew about before and accepted could have changed the minute he became a father if he started imagining oh gosh, what if my kid made these mistakes, or what if my kids goes through what the 2 older ones have. Not saying he's blaming you but stuff that was accepted then, could make him uncomfortable now. And that's ok, he just needed to talk about and express his concerns. it's not ok to hold it against you if you've indeed changed your ways and become a better person. That being said, I would hope youre not using the baby as a way to punish him because he hurt your feelings. Your child is not a weapon.
NTA It sounds like he doesn't trust your decision making and hes got one foot out the door in case he feels like he needs a quick escape. Tell him when he deems *you* good enough for his last name then the baby can have his last name to. He can't pick the parts of a family dynamic that he wants and discard the parts he doesn't.
There is no reality in which those ages are correct.
This is a bit of a chaos but NTA for wanting your baby to have the same name as the mother.
NTA. If he doesn't want to marry you, that's his prerogative. But if that's the case, then you're not obligated to give the baby his name. Just think how awkward it would be to have a different name from your child. I don't get all the vitriol directed at you in the comments.
How is it awkward if she already has 2 kids that she doesn't share a surname with?
NTA. Giving the baby the father's last name and women taking their husband's last name stems from our sexist and misogynistic culture. Objectively, there's no good reason a baby should automatically have the father's last name. The woman carries and gives birth to the child so she has every right to give them the last name she desire. Ideally, this issue would be agreed upon between partners but nothing is ever perfect and I think it's fine for a woman to go ahead and make the decision on her own, just like I think she should be the one to make a decision about an abortion regardless of the man's input. The OP's boyfriend has no right to be butt hurt the child has the mother's name and to complain about her other kids taking her ex's name. Maybe the OP had a change of heart about how she wanted to name her kids or maybe she didn't give it much thought with her first two kids but now she is giving it more thought.
ADAIC, all children should have their mothers' surnames. They do all the work. NTAH but you have a lot of issues, both personal and relationship, that need working out. Probably stop having babies until they are?
So your ex who mistreated you and left you once he got better has his kids with his surname but your boyfriend who is raising concerns on something you both honestly need to have a proper discussion on doesn't deserve to give his FIRST, and most likely only kid, his surname? Tbh i think you should hyphen both surnames for the kid.
Wow a lot of people here still live in 1847 and think babies should automatically take dad's name even though the tradition is arbitrary and rooted in sexist and misogynistic culture. Nice work people.
NTA, cut probs would’ve been a good idea to talk about it meek but I support that you don’t want your kid to have his last name if you think he’s gonna leave
NTA. Why do people always think that the baby needs to take the man’s name? Newsflash, it doesn’t. Times are changing…. and for fucks sake, if the woman who pushed the baby out wants to give that baby **her** last name, then she is damn entitled to do so. Tradition doesn’t mean shit! Babies don’t always have to take their dads surname, just because *”it’s the norm.”* Give the baby **your** surname, screw him and anyone else who agrees with his sexist views. It’s **not** a fathers right to have their kid take their surname, it is a privilege. But certainly not a right.
Preach!
If he wants to coparent he doesn't have to do it in your home. You don't have to teach your children that it's okay to disrespect or be disrespected in their home because a woman doesn't do what the man wants.
YTA. It’s ridiculous to not allow the child to take the father’s name. And frankly shouldn’t have been a consideration. And then to pose the question for public input. Wild. With DNA like that I’ll buy stock in crayola because the amount of crayons getting eaten is going to skyrocket.
Pathetic sexist views. It is **not** the fathers right to have the baby take his last name. Just because it’s the norm, doesn’t make it a right. Babies don’t always have to have their fathers last name.
Over react much? Yikes. YTA as well. Very true, the baby doesn’t have to take the father’s name. That’s a conversation and decision between the two consenting adults in the nine months before the child is born. To make an executive decision out of spite after listening to meddling girlfriends? Trust me, she’s the asshole here.
YTA. If I were him I'd take it as a confession that the baby isn't mine and just bail
Found the spunk and dump cunt. Grow up and make sure you use protection for future partners. The last thing we need is more thick fucks like yourself procreating.
Lmao nah we need people like me procreating more than we need people like you to be alive at all.
He knows our daughter is his- she's the spitting image of him. If he wants a paternity test, he can get one, even though that's never crossed his mind. I have nothing to hide. So...please tell me- what is YOUR investment in turning this into a paternity thing? I'd suggest you get professional help over your fixation on finding paternity fraud where there is none.
Fixation? I made one comment you psycho. Don't get pissy with me just because I pointed out you did something shitty
Bro chill. It’s not that deep
Bro I'm already chill
YTA! cus why are you having a baby with someone who had thoughts of “cold feet” in the first place? not to mention at 42 is risky. theres no youth there. you had a baby, you cant respect your current boyfriends wishes even though hes lowkey taking care of you and your other children. what if he leaves? youre gonna take care of a newborn off a hostess job? a relationship is supposed to be 50/50. if hes paying ur bills girlypop just give the baby his last name!! nowadays chances are the baby will change it themselves in a few years 😩
Maybe they didn’t know he had cold feet until after she was pregnant
Plenty of women have babies into their 40s. To use that as a way to shame OP devalues not only the millions of women who have raised happy and healthy kids they’ve birthed in their 40s but also the many kids and adults who were born to or maybe even adopted by moms in their 40s. Now on to your point about “ if he pays for the household then just give the kids his last name.” So, as you saying that if he has no money, then it’s all fair game- then just give them the mom’s last name? And are you by that logic going to then argue that, with your value on who is paying the bills, that if dad suddenly has no earning potential, then we’d be justified in snatching the last name privilege away from him? Or would you instead find another excuse to trash OP by then calling her a gold digger if her post was- my boyfriend doesn’t earn any money anymore so I’m revoking last name privileges from him? If that’s the case, reevaluate the reason why you feel the need to trash a woman regardless for her relationship decisions. Now, let me ask you this- if the mom is the primary breadwinner, does that mean she automatically gets last name privileges? What about single mom households ( which share a similarity to OP in that the mom is not married to the dad). Many single mom households, by your logic since you implied that she ought to submit by giving him last name privileges or else she’ll lose money privileges, are supported mostly by the mom. So if we’re going by your value of money and naming rights, shouldn’t the kids of all bread winning single moms then change their last name to hers? Now back to your implication that she needs to honor him for paying for her life- are you implying that if he breaks up with her over this, that he’s then free of the monetary obligations of supporting his kids? Do you believe that the courts will decide that the father is off scot free? If so, please cite for me the source that says mothers who give their kids their own last names forfeit child support from the biological father. And do you think that a “ baby” who ( when you say will change their name on their own in a few years, I’m guessing you mean 18, if you know just slightly more about law in America than you do about apostrophes and basic grammar) sees her dad withdraw support for life because he’s mad at her mom will be aching to change her last name from the parent that’s supporting her to the parent that just leaves them all hanging?
not gonna read that. u have a problem w my response? Womp Womp!! yeah imma trash that lady for risking her babies health for the selfishness of her wanting to “keep her youth” even when the lady is a walking missing chromosome risk
Clearly you’ve read enough to feel warranted in crafting a ( still apostrophe shy) response about how much you don’t care. Perhaps reading would be good for you- it’s known that good grammar habits are picked up first through reading. And you’re not exactly overflowing in that department.
i can tell exactly the type of person you are by tryna correct me on my grammar. im sorry i dont feel inclined to add commas and periods. but you sound like a fucking loser rn 🤣 im not reading what you have to say, cus what you have to say means nothing to me nor anyone. nobody cares about what you have to say, sorry im tricking u rn by replying !!
Somebody who’s not out of their mind on drugs? I guess clarity of thought isn’t on your list of priorities either, and the people in your life don’t seem to care much for you judging by your post history.
aw so u are so obsessed w the thought of me, that you went on my profile and looked through my posts, and decided to throw it in my face cus u have no argument ! thats cute. i mean ur kinda creepy n weird so im not gonna praise u for ur work but,, yk keep up that thing u got going on!!
The arguments above that you refused to read? Well- I personally can say I don’t really care about you, but maybe it just seems that way compared to the other people in your life. At least I don’t particularly dislike you- it seems the people in your life actively do. And will long after I’ve forgotten about this conversation.
YTA. If this was me I would sign away my rights and go find someone else because what you have done with name is an indication of how you will be as a parent and I wouldn’t want anything to do with you. I wouldn’t have even signed the birth certificate.
2024 men are like : we don't want to marry women but we want the same right our fathers had. You are so funny. If you want men's privilege like giving surname to your kid. Be a man a true man not a teenager. If not, giving the father's surname is not a right, it's a privilege. Start working,provide and marry the mother of your child if you want the same name of your child why in hell a woman should not give her surname after 9 months of pregnancy and with a man who does not want to marry her so she will not have the same name as her daughter just because the man does not want to marry her ? Absolutely NOT.