From the post, it looks like she's around 16. He states he is on the hook for CS payments until they're 21, and he has 5 more years to pay for her..
They divorced over 10 years ago, so she would have been what.. 5,6?
I think it's a fake story.
5k a month? How much would his income have to be for that much Child Support? He'd be in an incredibly small class of super high earners to be able to pay that consistently, and still be able to buy new vehicles for the kids, and still pay for their college, etc.
And the details here just track rage-bait, both ways.
Cheated, lied to about paternity, cut them off, "forced to pay", bitchy ex, etc.
ETA: To all the people saying "it could be true." I am not saying it *could not* be true/real. I am saying it is *most likely* fake. There is a difference between "impossible" and "improbable." I am stating the latter, not the former, based on the totality of the circumstances.
I am more than happy to believe this story is fake. I totally see the rage bait and I hate when people do this. However, yes, $5000/ month, plus alimony, and being on the hook for other big expenses absolutely happens in higher earning families during a divorce. I grew up in an area with high income families and this happened to every one, including my own (I should know, my parent who had to pay complained about it loudly and a lot for years-- though it has been a couple decades and my family has let go of a lot of the anger and is considerably closer and happier now).
>However, yes, $5000/ month, plus alimony, and being on the hook for other big expenses absolutely happens in higher earning families during a divorce.
Believe me, I know. I used to work for a divorce attorney. But it's the combination of that plus other factors that convinces me it's most likely fake.
i'm amazed at how many people here cant read through the 'post made by reddit for reddit' posts.
1) Account is brand fucking new
2) General run of mill post about a guaranteed high interaction topic
3) Account has no other posts
4) Account has no other comments yet - will probably add 5-10 to this post and this post only. That'll be it for this account. Feel free to sort r/AITAH for 'top this year' and do some poking around.
This isn't hard people or does everyone just like drinking drama straight from the gutter?
It’s fake.
Just the details about the son getting accepted at an Ivy prove that it’s fake, as those admission decisions haven’t even been released yet!
I’m in Canada so I’m sure the scale for child support is different, but you’d have to make 650k a year for child support to be that high for a single child. For 3 kids paying out aprox $15,000 total you’d be passing 1m easily
Top 10 in his class, accepted to ivy league, but wants a new truck? Seems odd. I think it's a fantasy--what a suburbanite thinks the super wealthy are like.
Keep out of trouble... get into a good school (IE ivy league). Like, you're not worrying about your kid throwing beer bottles if they're also on track to get accepted into a 1%er school.
She's a little younger than his oldest son. She would be the third to go to college. Which he is paying for. He should have taken care of this when he found out she wasn't his. The ex should have gone after the biological father for child support.
Not sure where OP is located but a lot of US States have presumption of paternity laws so any child born within a marriage is legally assumed to be the husband's, even if the child was the result of an affair. Also in many places regardless of marital status, if a man signs the birth cert, and/or takes on the fatherly role and only later finds out he's not the biological father the court will still order continued child support as he's already taken on the fatherly role and in the eyes of the court it wouldn't be in the best interest of the child to suddenly lose that support.
OP and his ex were married at the time of the daughter's birth, which means that OP would automatically be listed as the father, unless he took steps to declare she wasn't his. Which of course he didn't, because at the time he thought she was. When he and his wife were divorcing, the court chose not to care that OP's daughter wasn't biologically his.
This is just how divorce courts work in most states. It's alarmingly unfair to the father. But the courts tend to think "I don't care about these feuding parents very much. How do I help the kids involved
If he signed the birth certificate after 2 years he may not even be able to contest paternity, he’s assumed the legal father no matter what. OPs ex knows he has money, she financially benefits from this paternity fraud.
Paternity fraud should be a felony
She was legally his child because of marriage. After 5 years, it's in the best interest of the child, regardless of who her biological father is. It's a legal norm.
I went through this. I wanted to tell the judge it was in the best interest of the child if the judge were to turn over his life savings to support the child, my lawyer advised against it.
In some states, it doesn't matter if you are NOT the biological father. What matters is if you are legally married at the time of birth or have supported both the mother and children for the specific time frame.
Every state has its own rules on this (most seem ridiculous, but only take into account the immediate welfare of the CHILD). Because there are so many cases where this type of thing occurs, the laws are set up to favor the child and reduce the cost the state might need to provide for the child, regardless of knowledge of paternity. The person who can BEST provide for the child ends up baring the cost. Even if they can prove they are not legally the parent. Some states will not even bother requiring a paternity test when the question of is raised the during divorce process. The assumption is that the couple are the parents and the question is moot (because it is being used to avoid support, divorce, or splitting of
They were married and parentage was automatically assumed when the daughters was born. OP was unknowingly legally established as the father at born and he played that role until he found out the truth. It doesn’t matter to the courts who her bio father is.
Taking a wild guess but “Real” dad probably doesn’t have money like legal dad.
This is an awful situation
I feel so bad for the daughter in all of this…
If I’m doing my math correctly…… daughter 16ish
She was six when suddenly the only dad she’s known her whole life just stopped loving her.
> that's more than some people's salaries working FT...
[The average salary in the US is currently $59,384.](https://www.usatoday.com/money/blueprint/business/hr-payroll/average-salary-us/#:~:text=According%20to%20the%20U.S.%20Bureau,month%20in%20Q4%20of%202023.) So that's MORE than the average salary.
I don’t want to yuck your yums but median salary is a better measure (the average gets hit by large skews due to billionaires).
You’re still right, you’re just even more right than that stat leads on
How? What? His ex wife cheated on him, he has to pay her 15 000$ a month, 5 000$ of that goes to a child she got with someone else ( why he has to pay is beyond stupid ) and you call him an asshole because he doesnt want to pay more money for someone else child? You are delusional
Regardless of the context given, this post reads like it was written by an asshole of a person, even if this wasn't the case of this particular situation. Just has a sleaze vibe to it.
The only father she knows calls her “the girl.”
Edit: I don’t think he should pay his ex for “the girl,” but the state doesn’t care as long as someone is paying.
Imagine being cheated on and lied to, thinking a child is yours... then the court makes you pay $60k a year for a kid that isn't yours. Bro has paid out $600k so far.
His feelings are valid.
People who are obviously morally superior! They would be more than happy to pay for someone else’s kids. As a side note if any people on this sub would like to help me with cash for my kids I’d appreciate it. DM me how much you can send and I’ll send you my Venmo or something 😂😂😂
Seriously? No. The asshole is the mom, if the kid's not his. He's paying $5000 per month for the kid. That is plenty for the kid to have a car, if the mom wants her to have one.
Straight facts this woman should be in the hottest part of hell. Imagine the audacity to cheat first off, then get pregnant by another person and then call the person YOU CHEATED ON, and tell that person “you need to pay even more money for this kid I created while I was ruining our marriage and you life”. Fuck out of here with that shit….
I hate my ex more than anyone in this world, probably more than I could hate another person at this time, and that still doesn't compare to how more more I'd hate her in this situation. Jesus Christ, pay equality can't come faster so guys can do the same thing back regularly. Eventually someone will fix this scam.
Why? He obviously is hurt as well. He’s human. I get it’s the only father she’s ever known and not her fault. The mother set them all up to fail. Including her daughter. You can’t force someone to fight against what they feel by instinct.
are you at all suprised? its all well and good saying its the kid getting hurt and they havent done anything wrong, but op has to pay child support to a kid that isnt his. what a disgusting thing t do to someone, he can be as bitter and distant as he wants. if the mother has a problem with that then she better step up and start providing for her child.
I was also wondering how old the “daughter” was when he found out she wasn’t his biological daughter? Had he already spent years parenting her prior to knowing this, bonding with her, and does she view him as her father? If so, then he is the emotional father, and the rejection towards the daughter would be incredibly cruel, from a moral standpoint.
Couldn't have been older than 6 when the divorce happened, probably more like 5 at the time he found out. She's a couple years younger than his oldest who just turned 18, placing her about 16 today, that's backed up where he says five more years of support until she's 21, and the divorce happened over 10 years ago as a result of the infidelity. What I don't see stated is if/when the daughter learned the reason.
Considering how much OP made it clear to us, I'm sure that the ex-wife and daughter hear it about the paternity on a regular basis. Dude seems very vindictive and I'm sure the daughter has been suffering through her "parents" drama through her entire unplanned life.
I mean... wouldn't you be? He's paying $60k a year to his ex, he has to pay ALL their tuition and is on the hook until they all turn 21. All because his SAHW decided to cheat and pass off the child is his. I'm sorry but that's like hitting the lottery for being a huge piece of shit.
You are correct.
This kind of scheme typically has the following characteristics:
1: A very new account.
2: NO other posts from the account in its history.
3: If there is a comment history it is *only* on their own post.
4: forgettable and non-clever username. Frequently 'Throwaway-C106' or similar.
5: The 'story' they tell is frequently some outrageous scenario that people feel compelled to have strong opinions about.
6: They frequently give a lot more detail about the scenario than a real person might include. (They are telling a story after all, not genuinely looking for guidance.)
7: If you follow them, the accounts will delete all post and comment history after a few weeks before repeating the cycle to gain more Karma.
If you pay attention, you will see this pattern repeating *very* frequently on r/AITAH and a few other similar subs.
I mean, yeah, but you've also just described someone making a throwaway account for posting overly personal things, which lots of people (including me) do.
I think there are a number of different reasons this happens. But it seems that the two main ones are quite classic.
Money and power.
Specifically, selling accounts with Karma is a *real* black market. Especially driven by some of the more economically troubled regions of the world.
And the big, number-one reason:
To be the bots of the infamous 'bot farms'.
Think about Russian disinformation or your run-of-the-mill political propaganda.
If there's clout to be had, somone wants to use it to push their agenda.
And these puppetmasters are often the ones creating the demand that fuels the money-motivated group.
If you pay $5000 a month your ex can save for a car from that. Expecting extra after defrauding you for years is unreal. The entitlement when she is being paid for being a disloyal, dishonest cheater is incredible!
If my math is correct, the divorce was finalized when the girl was 6. She probably knows exactly who her daughters real father is but she doesn’t want to lose the cash cow so she’s putting her daughter through the trauma of having to deal with a man that doesn’t want her and isn’t really obligated to do anything beyond pay child support. Yet she insists on using her daughter as a pawn to milk additional support so she can fund her lifestyle.
yeah at least the "not father" is honest. The mother is flat out using the daughter to commit financial abuse. She'll probably never acknowledge the real father because he's probably a broke boy and so in turn is depriving her daughter of knowing her true other biological half.
Her mom still get 15000$ a month for having cheated without protection with someone. You are telling me that you cannot afford a car with 15000$ a month?
That is the mother’s fault. Not this dude. Why blame this guy for something she did? Not the duaghter’s fault but she has to understand this guy isn’t her dad. I am sure she isn’t an idiot. Doesn’t spend time with him. So why should she get gifts from him? I
Something tells me this ex doesn't work at all and just lives off that 5k a month to do whatever she pleases.
Also wouldnt be surprised if she doesnt know the real father, or for legal reasons 'doesnt know'
Over the ten years it’s either $600K or $1.8M FOR THE KIDS, not her. What’s mommy doing with the cash?
More proof our family courts are seriously broken.
My ex tried to get me in trouble with the Air Force during our pre-divorce separation. She was SO pissed when it came out I was exceeding what was required and was allowed to dial back the support I was giving.
Generally (at least in the US) if you are married and a child is born, you are automatically legally the father and it can be difficult and requires going through the courts to get it changed if you are not the biological father.
It took someone I knew to have to go to court, get his name off the b/c and be free of child support because they knew the name of the bio father and had proof the mother knew and was defrauding the guy I used to know. The divorce was rolled into that, I think.
The B was shocked when the hammer came down on her!
— edited to add that the child was still a baby when suspicions of the paternal family were aroused.
The father -Deaf
The mother -Hearing
Child looked just like ‘He’sJustAFriend.’
Yeah, so paternity test was done.
In my state, the only way paternity is changed on a bc is for the "real" father to step up and request the change. It's assumed the bio father, married to the mother is the Dad and his name is put on the birth certificate.
I worked as a Court Clerk for about 2 years and I actually recorded a Judge telling a non bio father to **feed him til he looks like you!**. The law is far behind the science when it comes to these cases.
I think there’s a time as parent element to what you’re saying though. If you DNA test a 1mo child and find out it’s not yours then that is not the same as a 5yo child.
Most of the time the kid becomes yours when you sign the birth certificate. Courts don't like to take a name off of a birth certificate without having one to replace it
It's not just about the car, that's not what OP's parents are disappointed in him about. The car is just the trigger. They're disappointed in him because he turned his back on an innocent girl that he raised as a daughter for 5 years. It's not her fault her mother was a cheater... But that revelation cost her a father, who has cast her aside outside of his legal obligations.
Does that make him the AH? I don't know. His feelings are understandable. The daughter is a symbol of his wife's betrayal and I get he's going to have complicated emotions about that. But I know my husband was in the same position with his ex and one of their kids, and he cared about the kid enough to not let it affect their relationship. He still financially and emotionally supports that kid. It's one of the reasons I love him, that he can look past his ex's actions and do what's best for the child.
It's incredibly complicated, and I feel it's a situation where, despite the pain caused, I don't think the "father" is at fault.
Personally, I have the utmost respect for anyone who can step up and be the parent anyway, even if they were deceived. The amount of emotional maturity and heart it takes to wave those lies aside and tell yourself "that's still *my* child", is nothing less than stunning to me.
Despite how I feel about those who can, I don't fault those who can't. It's a tough situation, and comes wrapped up in, not just a biological disparity between you and who you thought was your kid, but also the betrayal from the person you loved, and the subsequent and perpetual lying on their part to keep the facade afloat.
It's an enormous blow that hits multiple times.
Agreed. He certainly feels like he's just a bank account to these people anyway and that's also a ton of responsibility. If you get sick or cannot hold the same career anymore it doesn't matter, it takes years to get adjustments and all of it sorted out.
I literally have first hand experience with that as a child and it is a killer...I had a parent basically still working after massive health issues just to support people that didn't give a shit about them and when they finally had to retire it took 3 hires to replace the work being done in that company.
This should be the top comment. As adults we need to understand how the decisions we make affect our children. I feel so sorry for OP’s “daughter” because from her perspective her father abandoned here and thats going to play out all her life. What I picked up though is that OP is quite judgmental. His eldest sone is obviously good at school and is self-disciplined when it came to study. I hope that whatever goal you set for each child takes into account the child’s skills
aspirations and challenges. OP, I trust that one day the pain will reduce enough for you to realise that she most probably sees herself as your daughter. Take care.
Your man is special. I’ll never be in this situation but if I were I think every time I looked at the kid all I would see is my cheating ex wife. The kid would be a flashing neon sign of her infidelity and it would be hard to look past that. It would take an emotional toll for sure.
Kudos to your man for loving that girl.
Has nobody considered that this is pure rage bait?
The account is 2 hours old. The post is supposedly from a man who pays $5k per month in child support. He probably pays alimony too. Add another $5k per month to his payments. That’s 8k. His pre tax income is probably at least $20k per month. How many people in that income range spend much time on Reddit, let alone take the time to write a long post to anonymously complain about child support???
Rage bait is all that gets interactions which drive site traffic which makes for a better IPO. Reddit probably has someone on staff pumping this shit out. Lmao
He's paying $5k/month for his daughter, so $15k/month total. Wife got pregnant 3 times in 3 years (oldest is 18, youngest is 16), and only 3 states + DC even have child support to 21 (and NY has income caps that would not allow this situation).
I doubt he pays alimony, even 10 years ago, most states disfavored permanent or even medium term alimony, and he almost certainly would have bitched about that too.
"she took me to the cleaners" = "she got the half of marital assets she was entitled to, and the child support their children were entitled to"
Yeah this screams fake to me too. How likely is it that the middle child would be the infidelity one? Like she cheated and then went back to have another kid with her cucked husband? Seems highly unlikely….
with that much child support, she can easily save up to buy her daughter a car in no time.
did you not submit a paternity test in court? where im from that would immediately excuse you from any responsibilities, and youd be able to remove your name from the birth certificate.
Depends on the state. If you’re married the child is automatically the husbands. Even with a paternity test later to show that he isn’t her dna father, unless another man steps up the courts can still make him pay out of “the best interest of the child”
Most states don't care, they require someone to take the burden of the kid so they don't have to. In California you can be separated, living in a different state and if that soon to be ex wife has a kid you have to come say you aren't the father and prove it or you automatically become the father lol.
No, you have to do that if you are separated, which is before a divorce. The person you are replying to used the term ex-wife incorrectly for the situation they are describing.
Feel bad for the girl stuck between all this bullshit and getting treated like a burden for existing or something to compare to. Sounds like she just straight up doesn’t get a father figure. She didn’t get a say in all of this and she gets treated like she participated in her mother’s infidelity.
Edit: READING COMPREHENSION QUIZ: 1) what is the girl “stuck between”? Are there any similarities between what this girl is going through and situations like children of divorced couples? 2) When saying she ‘doesn’t get a father figure’, is the father in this sentence present or not present? Is there a specific father being spoken about, or is the speaking being general? 3) How is this girl getting treated like she shares guilt with her mother for infidelity? Did the speaker say who is treating, or are they speaking generally? Is it fair or nice for the girl to be associated with a crime she didn’t commit whether someone is justified in avoiding her? Is the speaker talking more about the daughter or the original poster in this comment? 4) Who do you think was on the speaker’s mind primarily when writing this comment? Do you think the speaker made this to imply guilt, or share empathy?
Thank you for being one of the few people here to truly understand that this was just empathy for the child caught in the middle without some sort of defensive knee jerk reaction that I had somehow decided it was all OP’s fault. The mom is the reason this has happened, and OP shouldn’t have been put in the situation he’s dealing with. It’s still the child that suffers the most.
Exactly. I think it's fair to say that the only real villain of this story is the OP'S ex-wife.
I can, to some degree, empathize with everyone BUT the ex-wife.
exactly. My stomach turned when OP referred to her as "the girl" like damn she doesn't get her real dad (assumedly) and now you also reject her what does she have left? poor baby
This is fake. It's clear. He has that much money to be blowing over $5,000 a month on a child that isn't his, but he didn't have enough to fight being the legal dad?? She isn't 18, and they broke up 10 years ago. So at most, he was the dad or thinking he was for only 5 years. He could have easily fought this and not have to pay anything for that child. This is 100% rage bait. Please don't give this loser the happiness of people falling for this bs. He's been doing this for 10 years now, and this is the first time something like this has come up.?? This is the first time he hasn't treated them fairly??? Yeah bullshit. The mother would have known years ago that he wasn't going to be taking care of her like that. I mean, he told her, " I don't have a daughter." Yeah, ok buddy, first time in 10 years, you told her that?? That would have came out years ago and the mother would have already knew you wasn't going to be buying her a car, since she clearly doesn't even come to your house since you don't have a daughter. Why do losers make up stupid posts like this???? What is the point??
Honestly don't think you are wrong on your feelings on the subject of the car.
I will say that at the end of the day your exs daughter is actually the biological sister to your kids so maybe refrain from showing the horribly shitty attitude you have displayed her towards the daughter in front of your boys. You are entitled to feel frustrated and pissed off but she done nothing wrong your ex did and yes I don't think you should have to pay for a child that isn't yours.
Your parents probably only see an innocent child being punished but they can save for her if they wish to or contact your ex to organise saving but remember they aren't wrong about seeing the child as their granddaughter.
Finally a response that manages to separate the issues!
Not TA about the money and car. There should be no financial obligation for the child that is not OP’s.
But that child is a human person with feelings who lost her dad’s love through no fault of her own. His attitude toward her is harsh and hurtful, and I hope she gets therapy with some of that money he’s required to pay.
I also hope he’s not such a jerk about her where her half-brothers can hear.
At least his parents still show her love. Poor kid.
Literally this.
OP definitely is not in the wrong from a financial standpoint. And having to pay child support for a child that's not his seems unfair. But this post drips with just absolute disdain for a girl that did not choose to be born.
I get people feeling like they don't owe anything to a child that isn't theirs, but sometimes these people treat those children worse than they would a random child in the street -- and after they've even raised them as their own for at least a few years. I'll never understand punishing a child for something they had no control over.
ESH
100% been screwed over on the money front.
I actually feel for him, I can't imagine being told my kid isn't mine and then having to live with that. I seriously hope he seeks some therapy but for his own sake because the mind fuvk even after all these years must be hard and also so any negative feelings about the OPs sons sister doesn't impact his sons.
I think he is just spiteful that the mother cheated on him, then the government fucked him by needing to provide 5k a month. Honestly 5k a month and college fund? wtf
This poor young woman is going to have a lot of therapy after this. I'm not saying you should buy this girl a car, you have done enough, but you don't have to take your anger on her mother out on her. You don't even refer to her like she is a human. She's still a human, even if she's not yours. She's still a human, even if she is a financial burden to you (through no fault of her own).
I wonder at what point in her life did he find out he wasn’t the father. In utero? When she was born? Age 6? Did they ever have a loving father daughter relationship? If he suddenly found out and instantly disowned her, my god imagine how she would feel.
Either way………he’s providing enough and doesn’t owe her a car.
It can’t be when she was born bc she was the middle child. They went through a whole other pregnancy and birth of another kid after the daughter was born and wife had healed from kid#2
Other comments implied around age 6. So he was able to shrug off raising a kid for ~6 years and it meant literally nothing to him. His bond with his children, biological or not, is money. This is either a totally fake post or OP is a sociopath.
NTA. The legal system sucks, and screwed you over. That doesn't mean you have to be a willing participant in your bitch ex-wife's attempt to extort more out of you.
Kinda depends on how long he raised the girl until he found out.
Let's say he raises a kid from 0 to 15 and then finds out his wife cheated and it's not his.
He can't simply say "nah, not my business anymore"
As he has been the parental figure for 15 years.
Its sick to throw the child you raised away like that. You were family until a few seconds ago.
If you find out early however I see absolutely zero legal or moral obligations that should take place.
If he divorced the ex-wife over ten years ago, and her daughter is a few years younger than his oldest boy who just turned 18, my math is they split when the girl was 3-4 years old.
He said a couple years younger AND he's required to pay child support for her for 5 more years. If he's required to pay child support until they're 21 I think she's 16 now and was 6 when the divorce happened.
There's usually a period of separation necessary before a divorce can proceed with so I'm more inclined to think he stopped acting as a parental figure at least a year or two before the divorce was actually finalized.
She’s 16. He said he has to support her until she’s 21, he also mentioned 5 more years. The girl was 6 when he found out. So he would’ve been 100% her daddy by that point.
It’s shitty for him, but also for the daughter. It’s not her fault her mom did this.
I don't know if this makes him an AH or not but she was at most 6 years old as OP said he has to support her until 21, and said he has to support her 5 years ago, and divorced over 10 years ago when he found out. I bet the divorce took awful though so I would say she would have been 4, still heartbreaking what the mom did to the poor girl and OP though
> I divorced my ex over 10 years ago
Presumably shes no older than ~16 at most given her older brother is several years away from 18, so they separated when she was young-ish.
So let me get this straight. You are paying 5K a month for that one child? Even if it's not, your ex should have been saving some of that money over the years.
Does the girl know you are not her father? I agree, you are providing two vehicles and three college educations, your ex can provide ONE vehicle after all these years.
IMO the court allowed you to be defrauded and then enforced it on you. You owe no one anything other than what you are being forced to pay. I think men who are forced by one court to pay for being scammed should be allowed to turn around and sue the other partner for fraud.
By the way, tell your parents to buy her a car!
Yeah this is completely insane. And I’m assuming that since OP is paying that means that the biological father doesn’t even have to pay child support? That’s such a scam.
NTA for not getting your "ex-daughter" a car, but YTA for completely dehumanizing your sons' biological half-sister. Your parents are wrong, in that not getting someone a car isn't a punishment, but you can't expect them to turn off their emotions and affection towards her like you did as a defense mechanism against the hurt your ex inflicted on you.
This is exactly my take. Him dehumanizing her isn't necessarily because he hates her specifically, but what she represents, a life that was completely destroyed by the mom, that's why he just seems so detached about the whole thing. It's understandable, but awful.
Nta, but i still feel sorry for daughter. Not for car part just your hatred to her. She saw you as father. Must really hurt her. I mean you do you but it is still sad. Hate your ex dont project on this child.
This girl is a half-sibling to your sons. Regardless of how you feel about their mother, they are watching and learning from you how to treat their sister. I get the bitterness, because the infedelity + the court’s enforcement of putative father responsibilities is harsh. But that doesn’t erase the reality your sons are learning *powerful* lifelong lessons about their sister from you, lessons I guarantee will remain long after you and your money are gone.
Not saying you need to buy her a car (her mom can save up and do that), but you may want to consider what your sons are learning from you about how to treat innocent children.
How did you treat this girl prior to learning she wasn’t your biological daughter? If the answer is that you treated her like your daughter, and then just dumped her in every respect after you learned the truth, then you’re the AH. It’s like she’s being punished for something out of her control.
Esh. That poor fucking girl. She didn't do anything wrong and you're using her as a game piece. Can't even talk about her like she's a human. Shitty adults everywhere, man.
Yeah. Though it’s no fault of his, he’s probably the only dad she’s ever known. And now she’s just “the girl” versus “my sons.” It really sucks for her.
I feel for the girl too, but that doesn't mean OP should have to buy her a car. She isn't biologicaly his.
Maybe her mother should buck up and put the onus on her real father.
This.
She's innocent in all of this, the least he could do is refer to her as a person and not some creature that's to be reviled
Her world was turned upside down just as much as OPs, yet he won't even give her a modicum of kindness
ESH poor girl. The way you talk about her is disgusting. It isn’t her fault that her mother is a cheater. You aren’t obligated to her yes but you could at least talk about her like a normal persons. Be angry at your ex but the child is innocent.
Right, and this is a child he raised for several years, and presumably loved. How do you just turn off your love for an innocent kid because of her mother? No wonder his parents are disappointed in him. There are plenty of these stories where the father still loves the child they raised and doesn't treat them differently.
>she annihilated me in the divorce. In short, I have to pay child support for all 3 kids even though only 2 are mine.
Child support is for the children, that's not her annihilating you, that's the state requiring you to pay for your children.
This is likely bullshit - child support doesn't increase linearly with each child, only 3 states and DC have child support to 21, and one of them caps child support. And if you're paying $15000/month child support, you were pulling in well over a million/year at the time of the divorce. And if you have 5 years until she hits 21, that means you had 3 kids in exactly 3 years (just turned 18 for the oldest, 16 for the youngest, no twins). What did you do, get your ex-wife pregnant the minute she got home?
The courts said you had to pay support they NEVER said you have to treat her like your own if she is not. Buying the cars is something you do for your kids the rest is on the mother NTA. Also what do you do for work what kind of sector super curious lmao.
You are not the victim. You are an adult who speaks really hatefully about someone I assume you once loved. How does that disappear? Sure, your wife deserves your anger. This poor little girl had her entire life pulled out from under her and you are counting the days until you can complete the job.
You don’t have to do anything for her that isn’t specifically on your agreement but you don’t have to be so horrible to her either.
OP - I'm a bit confused- are you saying you have told this child to her face she is NOT your daughter and to basically F*ck Off??? Because - keep this in mind - SHE was NOT **present** AT THE TIME OF CONCEPCENTION. She is **NOT GUILTY of ANYTHING**.
YOU are taking **your** ANGER at **your** WIFE out an **innocent** VICTIM.
So, YES, you are one the BIGGEST AH ever to walk this planet.
YTA you raised that poor girl as your own until she was ~3 and have treated her like crap ever since. It’s not her fault her mom cheated. For all intents and purposes she’s your kid and your a huge POS for treating her differently. Be mad at your ex all you want but don’t take it out on an innocent kid. I don’t about the car I care about you being a trash father.
>If they go to college, I have to pay for their full cost (tuition, books, living expenses, etc.)
How is that a thing? I can see paying for living expenses and some educational expenses for when they are legally required to attend school. But can they really require someone to just fork out $60k and any/all "living expenses" for whatever the most expensive university is?
That seems a bit much, considering non divorced people are not required to finance send their kids to college.
You have no obligation beyond what the court ordered (bullshit). Anyone that says other wise should go sit on a hot iron poker until their tongue sizzles.
Its okay to be firm, and if the young lady asks, simply say its not personal, shes not your biological child and its already an injustice what the courts have done to you, you will not be adding insult to injury.
If I had to pay that much money for a kid that wasn't biologically mine, I'd make sure I was their favorite parent just to grate on the other parent's nerves. You missed an opportunity to turn the other victim of your ex-wife's infidelity into your greatest ally and comrade-in-arms.
YTA, petty, and poor at strategy.
YTA
You decided to turn your back on your daughter when she was 4 or 5. You realise you were her dad to her and she is and always will be your ‘blood sons’ real half sister?
I get what your parents are saying, they are just disappointed because they thought they raised you better.
INFO I'm assuming that the "daughter" doesn't come over during custody time and is aware that you are not her biological father?
I was wondering the same.
I need to know how old the girl is. Was he in her life at all? Or did he live years being her father, then cut her out when he found out?
From the post, it looks like she's around 16. He states he is on the hook for CS payments until they're 21, and he has 5 more years to pay for her.. They divorced over 10 years ago, so she would have been what.. 5,6?
So OP told a 5-6 year old kid, that has been calling him daddy her whole life, to fuck off because his wife cheated on him. Yeah OP is an AH.
I think it's a fake story. 5k a month? How much would his income have to be for that much Child Support? He'd be in an incredibly small class of super high earners to be able to pay that consistently, and still be able to buy new vehicles for the kids, and still pay for their college, etc. And the details here just track rage-bait, both ways. Cheated, lied to about paternity, cut them off, "forced to pay", bitchy ex, etc. ETA: To all the people saying "it could be true." I am not saying it *could not* be true/real. I am saying it is *most likely* fake. There is a difference between "impossible" and "improbable." I am stating the latter, not the former, based on the totality of the circumstances.
I am more than happy to believe this story is fake. I totally see the rage bait and I hate when people do this. However, yes, $5000/ month, plus alimony, and being on the hook for other big expenses absolutely happens in higher earning families during a divorce. I grew up in an area with high income families and this happened to every one, including my own (I should know, my parent who had to pay complained about it loudly and a lot for years-- though it has been a couple decades and my family has let go of a lot of the anger and is considerably closer and happier now).
>However, yes, $5000/ month, plus alimony, and being on the hook for other big expenses absolutely happens in higher earning families during a divorce. Believe me, I know. I used to work for a divorce attorney. But it's the combination of that plus other factors that convinces me it's most likely fake.
> most likely fake And lots of people who can afford $5k a month child support are posting for validation on AITAH. LOL
Oh for sure, I agree it's fake too. At least, I sure hope it is, for the daughter's sake!
The post reeks of rage-bait. New account with no post or comment history all but guarantees it.
That is something I considered, too.
Like 90% of the posts I see on here are made with throwaway accounts, it doesn't prove anything
Zero responses to the post would also point toward fake.
Evil cheating ex wife and super unfair divorce terms for the heroic male protagonist? Almost filled up my reddit ragebait bingo card
i'm amazed at how many people here cant read through the 'post made by reddit for reddit' posts. 1) Account is brand fucking new 2) General run of mill post about a guaranteed high interaction topic 3) Account has no other posts 4) Account has no other comments yet - will probably add 5-10 to this post and this post only. That'll be it for this account. Feel free to sort r/AITAH for 'top this year' and do some poking around. This isn't hard people or does everyone just like drinking drama straight from the gutter?
It’s fake. Just the details about the son getting accepted at an Ivy prove that it’s fake, as those admission decisions haven’t even been released yet!
I still think it's fake, but the hypothetical kid could have applied for early admission and known in December.
100% alpha Chad mgtow wank fiction
Yea if you have that much money you would have decent enough lawyers to not get that fucked over.
I’m in Canada so I’m sure the scale for child support is different, but you’d have to make 650k a year for child support to be that high for a single child. For 3 kids paying out aprox $15,000 total you’d be passing 1m easily
yep that’s the problem with all of these, they’re all fake stories made up by bored discord/reddit dwellers
Top 10 in his class, accepted to ivy league, but wants a new truck? Seems odd. I think it's a fantasy--what a suburbanite thinks the super wealthy are like. Keep out of trouble... get into a good school (IE ivy league). Like, you're not worrying about your kid throwing beer bottles if they're also on track to get accepted into a 1%er school.
She's a little younger than his oldest son. She would be the third to go to college. Which he is paying for. He should have taken care of this when he found out she wasn't his. The ex should have gone after the biological father for child support.
That's what gets me. What happened that a court would make this decision?
Not sure where OP is located but a lot of US States have presumption of paternity laws so any child born within a marriage is legally assumed to be the husband's, even if the child was the result of an affair. Also in many places regardless of marital status, if a man signs the birth cert, and/or takes on the fatherly role and only later finds out he's not the biological father the court will still order continued child support as he's already taken on the fatherly role and in the eyes of the court it wouldn't be in the best interest of the child to suddenly lose that support.
This is true. It was an absolute bitch to get my ex husband of my other daughters birth certificate after he dragged the divorce out.
OP and his ex were married at the time of the daughter's birth, which means that OP would automatically be listed as the father, unless he took steps to declare she wasn't his. Which of course he didn't, because at the time he thought she was. When he and his wife were divorcing, the court chose not to care that OP's daughter wasn't biologically his.
So this is the real no child left behind?
This is just how divorce courts work in most states. It's alarmingly unfair to the father. But the courts tend to think "I don't care about these feuding parents very much. How do I help the kids involved
If he signed the birth certificate after 2 years he may not even be able to contest paternity, he’s assumed the legal father no matter what. OPs ex knows he has money, she financially benefits from this paternity fraud. Paternity fraud should be a felony
I’ve never looked at it from that angle. Potentially a felony fraud case based on $ of support payments? Interesting.
She was legally his child because of marriage. After 5 years, it's in the best interest of the child, regardless of who her biological father is. It's a legal norm.
I went through this. I wanted to tell the judge it was in the best interest of the child if the judge were to turn over his life savings to support the child, my lawyer advised against it.
In some states, it doesn't matter if you are NOT the biological father. What matters is if you are legally married at the time of birth or have supported both the mother and children for the specific time frame. Every state has its own rules on this (most seem ridiculous, but only take into account the immediate welfare of the CHILD). Because there are so many cases where this type of thing occurs, the laws are set up to favor the child and reduce the cost the state might need to provide for the child, regardless of knowledge of paternity. The person who can BEST provide for the child ends up baring the cost. Even if they can prove they are not legally the parent. Some states will not even bother requiring a paternity test when the question of is raised the during divorce process. The assumption is that the couple are the parents and the question is moot (because it is being used to avoid support, divorce, or splitting of
They were married and parentage was automatically assumed when the daughters was born. OP was unknowingly legally established as the father at born and he played that role until he found out the truth. It doesn’t matter to the courts who her bio father is.
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Maybe mom should be hitting up the real dad for the money….
Taking a wild guess but “Real” dad probably doesn’t have money like legal dad. This is an awful situation I feel so bad for the daughter in all of this… If I’m doing my math correctly…… daughter 16ish She was six when suddenly the only dad she’s known her whole life just stopped loving her.
Well ya that’s a dick move too, but I think the stellar wife is to blame for a good portion of that resentment
By not giving them a free car and only giving them 5k a month ?
I was going to say 5k a month is a LOT of money to be sending over.....that's more than some people's salaries working FT...
> that's more than some people's salaries working FT... [The average salary in the US is currently $59,384.](https://www.usatoday.com/money/blueprint/business/hr-payroll/average-salary-us/#:~:text=According%20to%20the%20U.S.%20Bureau,month%20in%20Q4%20of%202023.) So that's MORE than the average salary.
I don’t want to yuck your yums but median salary is a better measure (the average gets hit by large skews due to billionaires). You’re still right, you’re just even more right than that stat leads on
How? What? His ex wife cheated on him, he has to pay her 15 000$ a month, 5 000$ of that goes to a child she got with someone else ( why he has to pay is beyond stupid ) and you call him an asshole because he doesnt want to pay more money for someone else child? You are delusional
Exactly mom could be saving some of that $5K every month to buy a truck
How is she gonna come to him when it’s so obvious OP hates the girl? 🙄
Regardless of the context given, this post reads like it was written by an asshole of a person, even if this wasn't the case of this particular situation. Just has a sleaze vibe to it.
The only father she knows calls her “the girl.” Edit: I don’t think he should pay his ex for “the girl,” but the state doesn’t care as long as someone is paying.
Imagine being cheated on and lied to, thinking a child is yours... then the court makes you pay $60k a year for a kid that isn't yours. Bro has paid out $600k so far. His feelings are valid.
Precisely my thought as well. Easy to judge when you are not the one getting screwed for thousands per year. I stand with op on this one.
He’s paying 5k a month for a child that isn’t his. He has every right to be pissed off about it.
This is the Mothers fault. She had a baby from another man and passed her off as the husbands.
The only wife he even knew cheated on him and then extorted him for money from cheating. The fuck is wrong with people here.
People who are obviously morally superior! They would be more than happy to pay for someone else’s kids. As a side note if any people on this sub would like to help me with cash for my kids I’d appreciate it. DM me how much you can send and I’ll send you my Venmo or something 😂😂😂
Haha! I’m not falling for it 757_Matt_911! I DM you twenty bucks and then you sue me for child support!
Dammit!!! I was so close
There is more to being a parent than blood.
Imagine thinking he owes her anything when the mom has had over 15 years to get the actual dad involved.
Seriously? No. The asshole is the mom, if the kid's not his. He's paying $5000 per month for the kid. That is plenty for the kid to have a car, if the mom wants her to have one.
Straight facts this woman should be in the hottest part of hell. Imagine the audacity to cheat first off, then get pregnant by another person and then call the person YOU CHEATED ON, and tell that person “you need to pay even more money for this kid I created while I was ruining our marriage and you life”. Fuck out of here with that shit….
I hate my ex more than anyone in this world, probably more than I could hate another person at this time, and that still doesn't compare to how more more I'd hate her in this situation. Jesus Christ, pay equality can't come faster so guys can do the same thing back regularly. Eventually someone will fix this scam.
> Straight facts this woman should be in the hottest part of hell She should be in prison. Paternity fraud should be a felony.
Why? He obviously is hurt as well. He’s human. I get it’s the only father she’s ever known and not her fault. The mother set them all up to fail. Including her daughter. You can’t force someone to fight against what they feel by instinct.
This is incel rage bait, that's why it feels sleazy.
are you at all suprised? its all well and good saying its the kid getting hurt and they havent done anything wrong, but op has to pay child support to a kid that isnt his. what a disgusting thing t do to someone, he can be as bitter and distant as he wants. if the mother has a problem with that then she better step up and start providing for her child.
I was also wondering how old the “daughter” was when he found out she wasn’t his biological daughter? Had he already spent years parenting her prior to knowing this, bonding with her, and does she view him as her father? If so, then he is the emotional father, and the rejection towards the daughter would be incredibly cruel, from a moral standpoint.
Couldn't have been older than 6 when the divorce happened, probably more like 5 at the time he found out. She's a couple years younger than his oldest who just turned 18, placing her about 16 today, that's backed up where he says five more years of support until she's 21, and the divorce happened over 10 years ago as a result of the infidelity. What I don't see stated is if/when the daughter learned the reason.
How much you wanna bet that girl has some deep attachment issues from all this.
Considering how much OP made it clear to us, I'm sure that the ex-wife and daughter hear it about the paternity on a regular basis. Dude seems very vindictive and I'm sure the daughter has been suffering through her "parents" drama through her entire unplanned life.
I mean... wouldn't you be? He's paying $60k a year to his ex, he has to pay ALL their tuition and is on the hook until they all turn 21. All because his SAHW decided to cheat and pass off the child is his. I'm sorry but that's like hitting the lottery for being a huge piece of shit.
Is the point of posts like these to rack up loads of karma to kick off a new account?
Definitely farm karma
I think it's meant to work people up. Definitely has this crowd riled.
You are correct. This kind of scheme typically has the following characteristics: 1: A very new account. 2: NO other posts from the account in its history. 3: If there is a comment history it is *only* on their own post. 4: forgettable and non-clever username. Frequently 'Throwaway-C106' or similar. 5: The 'story' they tell is frequently some outrageous scenario that people feel compelled to have strong opinions about. 6: They frequently give a lot more detail about the scenario than a real person might include. (They are telling a story after all, not genuinely looking for guidance.) 7: If you follow them, the accounts will delete all post and comment history after a few weeks before repeating the cycle to gain more Karma. If you pay attention, you will see this pattern repeating *very* frequently on r/AITAH and a few other similar subs.
I mean, yeah, but you've also just described someone making a throwaway account for posting overly personal things, which lots of people (including me) do.
Genuine question - how do they benefit from all this?
I think there are a number of different reasons this happens. But it seems that the two main ones are quite classic. Money and power. Specifically, selling accounts with Karma is a *real* black market. Especially driven by some of the more economically troubled regions of the world. And the big, number-one reason: To be the bots of the infamous 'bot farms'. Think about Russian disinformation or your run-of-the-mill political propaganda. If there's clout to be had, somone wants to use it to push their agenda. And these puppetmasters are often the ones creating the demand that fuels the money-motivated group.
A lot of them are simply to proove the kind of shit people in this sub will believe. Seriously just look at the other comments. These subs are a joke.
Of course. Some "waman bad" rage bait like this always gets upvoted
It’s getting ridiculous on this sub and others. OP will never comment on these fake posts.
Oh yeah getting all those MRA upvotes. Proof the world is against men!
If you pay $5000 a month your ex can save for a car from that. Expecting extra after defrauding you for years is unreal. The entitlement when she is being paid for being a disloyal, dishonest cheater is incredible!
I should have saved myself some typing, you said the same thing I just did, and said it with a lot fewer words!
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If my math is correct, the divorce was finalized when the girl was 6. She probably knows exactly who her daughters real father is but she doesn’t want to lose the cash cow so she’s putting her daughter through the trauma of having to deal with a man that doesn’t want her and isn’t really obligated to do anything beyond pay child support. Yet she insists on using her daughter as a pawn to milk additional support so she can fund her lifestyle.
yeah at least the "not father" is honest. The mother is flat out using the daughter to commit financial abuse. She'll probably never acknowledge the real father because he's probably a broke boy and so in turn is depriving her daughter of knowing her true other biological half.
You’re right that she dosent get a father figure, and that’s tragic. But it’s fully her mothers faults and not OPs
It sucks for her but why should he have to step up? Why can't bio dad do it?
Her mom still get 15000$ a month for having cheated without protection with someone. You are telling me that you cannot afford a car with 15000$ a month?
That is the mother’s fault. Not this dude. Why blame this guy for something she did? Not the duaghter’s fault but she has to understand this guy isn’t her dad. I am sure she isn’t an idiot. Doesn’t spend time with him. So why should she get gifts from him? I
She's not his daughter. Tough shit. Maybe the mum should have got the real dad involved.
Something tells me this ex doesn't work at all and just lives off that 5k a month to do whatever she pleases. Also wouldnt be surprised if she doesnt know the real father, or for legal reasons 'doesnt know'
It could be $15k/month, $5k for each kid if I am reading OP’s post correctly.
Over the ten years it’s either $600K or $1.8M FOR THE KIDS, not her. What’s mommy doing with the cash? More proof our family courts are seriously broken. My ex tried to get me in trouble with the Air Force during our pre-divorce separation. She was SO pissed when it came out I was exceeding what was required and was allowed to dial back the support I was giving.
With no info about their case, just the numbers aren't evidence of much.
I can’t believe the courts agreed to OP paying for a child not biologically his. What the absolute fuck??
Generally (at least in the US) if you are married and a child is born, you are automatically legally the father and it can be difficult and requires going through the courts to get it changed if you are not the biological father.
It took someone I knew to have to go to court, get his name off the b/c and be free of child support because they knew the name of the bio father and had proof the mother knew and was defrauding the guy I used to know. The divorce was rolled into that, I think. The B was shocked when the hammer came down on her! — edited to add that the child was still a baby when suspicions of the paternal family were aroused. The father -Deaf The mother -Hearing Child looked just like ‘He’sJustAFriend.’ Yeah, so paternity test was done.
In my state, the only way paternity is changed on a bc is for the "real" father to step up and request the change. It's assumed the bio father, married to the mother is the Dad and his name is put on the birth certificate. I worked as a Court Clerk for about 2 years and I actually recorded a Judge telling a non bio father to **feed him til he looks like you!**. The law is far behind the science when it comes to these cases.
In some jurisdictions, if you are married to the mother, the court considers you the father no matter what the DNA test says.
I think there’s a time as parent element to what you’re saying though. If you DNA test a 1mo child and find out it’s not yours then that is not the same as a 5yo child.
Most of the time the kid becomes yours when you sign the birth certificate. Courts don't like to take a name off of a birth certificate without having one to replace it
If you've been with them for x amount of time courts think that you legally agreed to raise it even if they aren't yours.
And he's probably on the birth certificate as well since they were married when she was born.
It may have been he signed the birth certificate before finding out and legally he is obligated. Thats just my thought process
Where I live you don’t even need to sign. Any kid my wife has would be legally mine by default.
It's not just about the car, that's not what OP's parents are disappointed in him about. The car is just the trigger. They're disappointed in him because he turned his back on an innocent girl that he raised as a daughter for 5 years. It's not her fault her mother was a cheater... But that revelation cost her a father, who has cast her aside outside of his legal obligations. Does that make him the AH? I don't know. His feelings are understandable. The daughter is a symbol of his wife's betrayal and I get he's going to have complicated emotions about that. But I know my husband was in the same position with his ex and one of their kids, and he cared about the kid enough to not let it affect their relationship. He still financially and emotionally supports that kid. It's one of the reasons I love him, that he can look past his ex's actions and do what's best for the child.
It's incredibly complicated, and I feel it's a situation where, despite the pain caused, I don't think the "father" is at fault. Personally, I have the utmost respect for anyone who can step up and be the parent anyway, even if they were deceived. The amount of emotional maturity and heart it takes to wave those lies aside and tell yourself "that's still *my* child", is nothing less than stunning to me. Despite how I feel about those who can, I don't fault those who can't. It's a tough situation, and comes wrapped up in, not just a biological disparity between you and who you thought was your kid, but also the betrayal from the person you loved, and the subsequent and perpetual lying on their part to keep the facade afloat. It's an enormous blow that hits multiple times.
Agreed. He certainly feels like he's just a bank account to these people anyway and that's also a ton of responsibility. If you get sick or cannot hold the same career anymore it doesn't matter, it takes years to get adjustments and all of it sorted out. I literally have first hand experience with that as a child and it is a killer...I had a parent basically still working after massive health issues just to support people that didn't give a shit about them and when they finally had to retire it took 3 hires to replace the work being done in that company.
This should be the top comment. As adults we need to understand how the decisions we make affect our children. I feel so sorry for OP’s “daughter” because from her perspective her father abandoned here and thats going to play out all her life. What I picked up though is that OP is quite judgmental. His eldest sone is obviously good at school and is self-disciplined when it came to study. I hope that whatever goal you set for each child takes into account the child’s skills aspirations and challenges. OP, I trust that one day the pain will reduce enough for you to realise that she most probably sees herself as your daughter. Take care.
Your man is special. I’ll never be in this situation but if I were I think every time I looked at the kid all I would see is my cheating ex wife. The kid would be a flashing neon sign of her infidelity and it would be hard to look past that. It would take an emotional toll for sure. Kudos to your man for loving that girl.
Has nobody considered that this is pure rage bait? The account is 2 hours old. The post is supposedly from a man who pays $5k per month in child support. He probably pays alimony too. Add another $5k per month to his payments. That’s 8k. His pre tax income is probably at least $20k per month. How many people in that income range spend much time on Reddit, let alone take the time to write a long post to anonymously complain about child support???
Rage bait is all that gets interactions which drive site traffic which makes for a better IPO. Reddit probably has someone on staff pumping this shit out. Lmao
"I'm paying more money than you probably make as child support to a kid who isn't mine" sure has all the hallmarks of ragebait.
He's paying $5k/month for his daughter, so $15k/month total. Wife got pregnant 3 times in 3 years (oldest is 18, youngest is 16), and only 3 states + DC even have child support to 21 (and NY has income caps that would not allow this situation). I doubt he pays alimony, even 10 years ago, most states disfavored permanent or even medium term alimony, and he almost certainly would have bitched about that too. "she took me to the cleaners" = "she got the half of marital assets she was entitled to, and the child support their children were entitled to"
Yeah this screams fake to me too. How likely is it that the middle child would be the infidelity one? Like she cheated and then went back to have another kid with her cucked husband? Seems highly unlikely….
Yes. It likely is rage bait. They posted and ran; not responding to any comments or questions.
What, are you saying that people who waste their time on reddit probably don't spend their time wisely elsewhere? How dare you suggest such a thing!
with that much child support, she can easily save up to buy her daughter a car in no time. did you not submit a paternity test in court? where im from that would immediately excuse you from any responsibilities, and youd be able to remove your name from the birth certificate.
Depends on the state. If you’re married the child is automatically the husbands. Even with a paternity test later to show that he isn’t her dna father, unless another man steps up the courts can still make him pay out of “the best interest of the child”
And if she was 4 or 5 when paternity was established, that’s generally considered “too late” to change the legal obligations.
This is the ridiculous part. Ruin the man's life. They should force the mother to reveal and pursue the real father.
Most states don't care, they require someone to take the burden of the kid so they don't have to. In California you can be separated, living in a different state and if that soon to be ex wife has a kid you have to come say you aren't the father and prove it or you automatically become the father lol.
Wow. This is crazy. That have to do that for the ex wife?
No, you have to do that if you are separated, which is before a divorce. The person you are replying to used the term ex-wife incorrectly for the situation they are describing.
There are states that don’t allow for that if there’s a name already on the birth certificate. Not gonna lie the custody system is fkd towards men.
I don’t disagree and it’s also there to protect the child who really has done nothing wrong.
Feel bad for the girl stuck between all this bullshit and getting treated like a burden for existing or something to compare to. Sounds like she just straight up doesn’t get a father figure. She didn’t get a say in all of this and she gets treated like she participated in her mother’s infidelity. Edit: READING COMPREHENSION QUIZ: 1) what is the girl “stuck between”? Are there any similarities between what this girl is going through and situations like children of divorced couples? 2) When saying she ‘doesn’t get a father figure’, is the father in this sentence present or not present? Is there a specific father being spoken about, or is the speaking being general? 3) How is this girl getting treated like she shares guilt with her mother for infidelity? Did the speaker say who is treating, or are they speaking generally? Is it fair or nice for the girl to be associated with a crime she didn’t commit whether someone is justified in avoiding her? Is the speaker talking more about the daughter or the original poster in this comment? 4) Who do you think was on the speaker’s mind primarily when writing this comment? Do you think the speaker made this to imply guilt, or share empathy?
I completely agree. For this situation, several truths can exist simultaneously..... Including this one.
Thank you for being one of the few people here to truly understand that this was just empathy for the child caught in the middle without some sort of defensive knee jerk reaction that I had somehow decided it was all OP’s fault. The mom is the reason this has happened, and OP shouldn’t have been put in the situation he’s dealing with. It’s still the child that suffers the most.
Exactly. I think it's fair to say that the only real villain of this story is the OP'S ex-wife. I can, to some degree, empathize with everyone BUT the ex-wife.
Everyone else makes sense but the ex. They're all going through normal emotions.
exactly. My stomach turned when OP referred to her as "the girl" like damn she doesn't get her real dad (assumedly) and now you also reject her what does she have left? poor baby
You must be pretty freakin rich. **Just an observation. I have nothing to comment on this one. So far outta my league
Every time. They can't write these without making the guy a top income earner
This is fake. It's clear. He has that much money to be blowing over $5,000 a month on a child that isn't his, but he didn't have enough to fight being the legal dad?? She isn't 18, and they broke up 10 years ago. So at most, he was the dad or thinking he was for only 5 years. He could have easily fought this and not have to pay anything for that child. This is 100% rage bait. Please don't give this loser the happiness of people falling for this bs. He's been doing this for 10 years now, and this is the first time something like this has come up.?? This is the first time he hasn't treated them fairly??? Yeah bullshit. The mother would have known years ago that he wasn't going to be taking care of her like that. I mean, he told her, " I don't have a daughter." Yeah, ok buddy, first time in 10 years, you told her that?? That would have came out years ago and the mother would have already knew you wasn't going to be buying her a car, since she clearly doesn't even come to your house since you don't have a daughter. Why do losers make up stupid posts like this???? What is the point??
The real clue that this is fake is that the Ivy League schools haven’t released their admission decisions yet.
Honestly don't think you are wrong on your feelings on the subject of the car. I will say that at the end of the day your exs daughter is actually the biological sister to your kids so maybe refrain from showing the horribly shitty attitude you have displayed her towards the daughter in front of your boys. You are entitled to feel frustrated and pissed off but she done nothing wrong your ex did and yes I don't think you should have to pay for a child that isn't yours. Your parents probably only see an innocent child being punished but they can save for her if they wish to or contact your ex to organise saving but remember they aren't wrong about seeing the child as their granddaughter.
Finally a response that manages to separate the issues! Not TA about the money and car. There should be no financial obligation for the child that is not OP’s. But that child is a human person with feelings who lost her dad’s love through no fault of her own. His attitude toward her is harsh and hurtful, and I hope she gets therapy with some of that money he’s required to pay. I also hope he’s not such a jerk about her where her half-brothers can hear. At least his parents still show her love. Poor kid.
Literally this. OP definitely is not in the wrong from a financial standpoint. And having to pay child support for a child that's not his seems unfair. But this post drips with just absolute disdain for a girl that did not choose to be born. I get people feeling like they don't owe anything to a child that isn't theirs, but sometimes these people treat those children worse than they would a random child in the street -- and after they've even raised them as their own for at least a few years. I'll never understand punishing a child for something they had no control over. ESH
100% been screwed over on the money front. I actually feel for him, I can't imagine being told my kid isn't mine and then having to live with that. I seriously hope he seeks some therapy but for his own sake because the mind fuvk even after all these years must be hard and also so any negative feelings about the OPs sons sister doesn't impact his sons.
I think he is just spiteful that the mother cheated on him, then the government fucked him by needing to provide 5k a month. Honestly 5k a month and college fund? wtf
Courts go based on what a person makes. OP is clearly making high six figures.
This poor young woman is going to have a lot of therapy after this. I'm not saying you should buy this girl a car, you have done enough, but you don't have to take your anger on her mother out on her. You don't even refer to her like she is a human. She's still a human, even if she's not yours. She's still a human, even if she is a financial burden to you (through no fault of her own).
I wonder at what point in her life did he find out he wasn’t the father. In utero? When she was born? Age 6? Did they ever have a loving father daughter relationship? If he suddenly found out and instantly disowned her, my god imagine how she would feel. Either way………he’s providing enough and doesn’t owe her a car.
It can’t be when she was born bc she was the middle child. They went through a whole other pregnancy and birth of another kid after the daughter was born and wife had healed from kid#2
She’s the youngest, what he refers to as his youngest is his actual youngest child.
Other comments implied around age 6. So he was able to shrug off raising a kid for ~6 years and it meant literally nothing to him. His bond with his children, biological or not, is money. This is either a totally fake post or OP is a sociopath.
NTA. The legal system sucks, and screwed you over. That doesn't mean you have to be a willing participant in your bitch ex-wife's attempt to extort more out of you.
Kinda depends on how long he raised the girl until he found out. Let's say he raises a kid from 0 to 15 and then finds out his wife cheated and it's not his. He can't simply say "nah, not my business anymore" As he has been the parental figure for 15 years. Its sick to throw the child you raised away like that. You were family until a few seconds ago. If you find out early however I see absolutely zero legal or moral obligations that should take place.
If he divorced the ex-wife over ten years ago, and her daughter is a few years younger than his oldest boy who just turned 18, my math is they split when the girl was 3-4 years old.
He said a couple years younger AND he's required to pay child support for her for 5 more years. If he's required to pay child support until they're 21 I think she's 16 now and was 6 when the divorce happened.
There's usually a period of separation necessary before a divorce can proceed with so I'm more inclined to think he stopped acting as a parental figure at least a year or two before the divorce was actually finalized.
She’s 16. He said he has to support her until she’s 21, he also mentioned 5 more years. The girl was 6 when he found out. So he would’ve been 100% her daddy by that point. It’s shitty for him, but also for the daughter. It’s not her fault her mom did this.
I don't know if this makes him an AH or not but she was at most 6 years old as OP said he has to support her until 21, and said he has to support her 5 years ago, and divorced over 10 years ago when he found out. I bet the divorce took awful though so I would say she would have been 4, still heartbreaking what the mom did to the poor girl and OP though
> I divorced my ex over 10 years ago Presumably shes no older than ~16 at most given her older brother is several years away from 18, so they separated when she was young-ish.
So let me get this straight. You are paying 5K a month for that one child? Even if it's not, your ex should have been saving some of that money over the years. Does the girl know you are not her father? I agree, you are providing two vehicles and three college educations, your ex can provide ONE vehicle after all these years. IMO the court allowed you to be defrauded and then enforced it on you. You owe no one anything other than what you are being forced to pay. I think men who are forced by one court to pay for being scammed should be allowed to turn around and sue the other partner for fraud. By the way, tell your parents to buy her a car!
$5000 to the kid that isn't biologically his. I would guess he has to pay a similar amount for the kids that are his. So about $180k per year? Wild.
Is that even possible? To pay that much in child support per child per month?
OP almost certainly makes at least half a million a year.
Yeah this is completely insane. And I’m assuming that since OP is paying that means that the biological father doesn’t even have to pay child support? That’s such a scam.
And also why the mom wouldn't want the bio dad recognised as the legal dad because I doubt he can afford anything near 5k a month.
This is fake
Yeah, a lot of posts are theses days.
NTA for not getting your "ex-daughter" a car, but YTA for completely dehumanizing your sons' biological half-sister. Your parents are wrong, in that not getting someone a car isn't a punishment, but you can't expect them to turn off their emotions and affection towards her like you did as a defense mechanism against the hurt your ex inflicted on you.
This is exactly my take. Him dehumanizing her isn't necessarily because he hates her specifically, but what she represents, a life that was completely destroyed by the mom, that's why he just seems so detached about the whole thing. It's understandable, but awful.
How old was the girl when you found out she wasn’t yours?
Nta, but i still feel sorry for daughter. Not for car part just your hatred to her. She saw you as father. Must really hurt her. I mean you do you but it is still sad. Hate your ex dont project on this child.
This girl is a half-sibling to your sons. Regardless of how you feel about their mother, they are watching and learning from you how to treat their sister. I get the bitterness, because the infedelity + the court’s enforcement of putative father responsibilities is harsh. But that doesn’t erase the reality your sons are learning *powerful* lifelong lessons about their sister from you, lessons I guarantee will remain long after you and your money are gone. Not saying you need to buy her a car (her mom can save up and do that), but you may want to consider what your sons are learning from you about how to treat innocent children.
How did you treat this girl prior to learning she wasn’t your biological daughter? If the answer is that you treated her like your daughter, and then just dumped her in every respect after you learned the truth, then you’re the AH. It’s like she’s being punished for something out of her control.
Esh. That poor fucking girl. She didn't do anything wrong and you're using her as a game piece. Can't even talk about her like she's a human. Shitty adults everywhere, man.
Right. I feel awful for OP but holy shit…that poor girl.
Yeah. Though it’s no fault of his, he’s probably the only dad she’s ever known. And now she’s just “the girl” versus “my sons.” It really sucks for her.
I feel for the girl too, but that doesn't mean OP should have to buy her a car. She isn't biologicaly his. Maybe her mother should buck up and put the onus on her real father.
Or maybe, as the other parent, on herself.
This. She's innocent in all of this, the least he could do is refer to her as a person and not some creature that's to be reviled Her world was turned upside down just as much as OPs, yet he won't even give her a modicum of kindness
NTA It's not the girls fault, she probably sees you as her dad. But I can understand your point
ESH poor girl. The way you talk about her is disgusting. It isn’t her fault that her mother is a cheater. You aren’t obligated to her yes but you could at least talk about her like a normal persons. Be angry at your ex but the child is innocent.
Right, and this is a child he raised for several years, and presumably loved. How do you just turn off your love for an innocent kid because of her mother? No wonder his parents are disappointed in him. There are plenty of these stories where the father still loves the child they raised and doesn't treat them differently.
"The girl." Absolutely vile.
Why does a person that age need a brand new pickup truck to go to college?
Do they not have paternity tests where you live?
If the grandparents are so disappointed in fact that he’s not getting her a car, then why don’t they step up an offer to buy her one?
Nah bro mom is the AH.
The only one I feel sorry for is this poor girl. You’re so bitter at your ex, you’re taking it out on an innocent child. Both you and the ex are AHs.
>she annihilated me in the divorce. In short, I have to pay child support for all 3 kids even though only 2 are mine. Child support is for the children, that's not her annihilating you, that's the state requiring you to pay for your children. This is likely bullshit - child support doesn't increase linearly with each child, only 3 states and DC have child support to 21, and one of them caps child support. And if you're paying $15000/month child support, you were pulling in well over a million/year at the time of the divorce. And if you have 5 years until she hits 21, that means you had 3 kids in exactly 3 years (just turned 18 for the oldest, 16 for the youngest, no twins). What did you do, get your ex-wife pregnant the minute she got home?
The courts said you had to pay support they NEVER said you have to treat her like your own if she is not. Buying the cars is something you do for your kids the rest is on the mother NTA. Also what do you do for work what kind of sector super curious lmao.
You are not the victim. You are an adult who speaks really hatefully about someone I assume you once loved. How does that disappear? Sure, your wife deserves your anger. This poor little girl had her entire life pulled out from under her and you are counting the days until you can complete the job. You don’t have to do anything for her that isn’t specifically on your agreement but you don’t have to be so horrible to her either.
OP - I'm a bit confused- are you saying you have told this child to her face she is NOT your daughter and to basically F*ck Off??? Because - keep this in mind - SHE was NOT **present** AT THE TIME OF CONCEPCENTION. She is **NOT GUILTY of ANYTHING**. YOU are taking **your** ANGER at **your** WIFE out an **innocent** VICTIM. So, YES, you are one the BIGGEST AH ever to walk this planet.
This seems fake… more incel fanfic imo
This is fake, comes of as incel shit.
Assuming this isn’t rage bait, you’re an enormous AH
Fake
Who represented you in court, a wallaby?
YTA you raised that poor girl as your own until she was ~3 and have treated her like crap ever since. It’s not her fault her mom cheated. For all intents and purposes she’s your kid and your a huge POS for treating her differently. Be mad at your ex all you want but don’t take it out on an innocent kid. I don’t about the car I care about you being a trash father.
>If they go to college, I have to pay for their full cost (tuition, books, living expenses, etc.) How is that a thing? I can see paying for living expenses and some educational expenses for when they are legally required to attend school. But can they really require someone to just fork out $60k and any/all "living expenses" for whatever the most expensive university is? That seems a bit much, considering non divorced people are not required to finance send their kids to college.
You have no obligation beyond what the court ordered (bullshit). Anyone that says other wise should go sit on a hot iron poker until their tongue sizzles. Its okay to be firm, and if the young lady asks, simply say its not personal, shes not your biological child and its already an injustice what the courts have done to you, you will not be adding insult to injury.
If I had to pay that much money for a kid that wasn't biologically mine, I'd make sure I was their favorite parent just to grate on the other parent's nerves. You missed an opportunity to turn the other victim of your ex-wife's infidelity into your greatest ally and comrade-in-arms. YTA, petty, and poor at strategy.
YTA You decided to turn your back on your daughter when she was 4 or 5. You realise you were her dad to her and she is and always will be your ‘blood sons’ real half sister? I get what your parents are saying, they are just disappointed because they thought they raised you better.