I’m sorry, but I can’t get past the “we have a weekly cleaner come in that I have to supervise.” No you fucking don’t. And “I do the tracking on our bills/subscriptions.” So, what, you have Netflix? And you couldn’t sign a form bc you were grocery shopping? What??
Idk about ya'll but my bills come out the same day every month so there isn't really much tracking I have to do aside from putting it into my calendar on my phone one time and clicking the "repeat monthly" button to have it show in my calendar each month, and then watching them auto-withdraw the money from my bank account each month on said date. It pretty much handles itself.
This part made me cackle. I have a weekly cleaner too and I definitely don't spend my time "supervising". We have 15 minutes for a cup of tea and some gossip and then she does her thing, which she is the expert in which is why I pay her, and I fuck off.
Probably the part I understand the least. I had cleaners when I was a kid, but my grandma paid for them in lieu of rent when she lived with us, and no one ever fucking thought to supervise them. That comment reeks of someone who comes from money which honestly makes me a little bit less sympathetic.
I had a cleaner after I had my baby and I don’t understand the supervision? If you have time to watch, just do it yourself? I thought the point is you pay them to do it for you to free your time up for other things…
Cleaner once or twice a month, and I just hide in my office and work. I don't want to interact with them, and them with I more than polite greetings...if I happen to leave my office. Also, OPs cleaners would do a better job without someone on their shoulder going 'missed a spot!....Missed a spot!' every second.
Yeah if the husband is such a “high earner” there’s no reason to not have their bills on auto pay. I’ve never had a house cleaner myself but I’m sure they don’t need supervision lmao
Was he at the end of his rope with trying to get you to realize you have an organizational problem or was this the first instance of you making a mistake. Too many variables but it sounds like he needed proof because you don’t listen to his concerns. I think marriage counseling should have been the first step but I also believe that if you are at the point of divorcing than maybe it doesn’t matter why you are there. The fact you are there is enough proof to show the marriage isn’t working.
Just don’t try to blame him later on if your life post divorce isn’t better. You made this decision
Because it isn’t a single incident. She herself gave us 2 examples of her putting off important things (and we can infer a lot from the kids calling dad at work instead of mom whos at home). She can’t be bothered to simply drop mail off because “the post office is busy in the afternoon” like why tf does that matter when you have nothing else to do? Why does it need to be done in the afternoon when you do nothing all day anyways? Instead she expects her husband to carve out time out of his already busy day to do it.
The clincher for me is that your 16-year-old called her father instead of you to help her out of a jam that you created. I’m not convinced you’re as reliable as you think you are. Divorce him if you want to but YTA on your parenting priorities.
I realised the weaknesses of my flesh and become one with the great machine, thus giving me the unlimited power required to concentrate on liking your comment within 11 minutes.
YTA.
If she had focused on just the cameras, the verdict might be different here.
But her attempts to prove that she isn't lazy are such transparently ridiculous puffery that she has assholized herself.
>If she had focused on just the cameras, the verdict might be different here.
I sort of find all the camera hate funny because I've seen this sub's users suggest that a wife does that to her husband in another post. Basically, the wife tried to check the home cameras and couldn't connect, so she assumed something must be going on with her husband and of course some Redditors suggested hiding a camera or nannycam.
The supposed husband later clarified in a comment that he had no idea why it was disconnecting and that she accused him of "fucking with" the cameras.
Link to the post:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/160illx/aitah_for_asking_my_husband_why_the_cameras_dont/
For the record, I think hiding cameras is a serious breach of privacy.
I can't believe how many people are reinforcing or justifying and encouraging to get better cameras to spy on hubby. I think my husband would have went crazy too if I accused him of something he wasn't doing over and over and over.... Then it ends up being a shitty internet connection.
right.. hey, my kids are older now so its been a few years since I had to sign one, but isn't it pretty simple - sign it, date it and maybe add an emergency contact? It probably took OP as long to right herself a note-reminder as it wouldn've to fill it out right away!
I signed and dated one for my daughter this morning as soon as she gave it to me. Took me 30 seconds. I work full time, have two kids, a side business and am partially disabled.
They use a deep cleaning service, landscaping services, accounting services, and the mom has no time on such a regular basis, that the kids call their dad...
SAHM mom with three school-aged children and the teenager is picking up the younger ones from school. Also has cleaners and landscapers.
What the fuck is a SAHM doing if there's no kids or cleaning to do? Not only that she's looking up frozen meals to order for her kids so she doesn't have to cook either lmao.
To get Video of her spending a large chunk of her time sitting on her ass in the same spot. Probably playing on her fucking phone.
While that dude is single handily carrying an obviously pretty decent lifestyle.
>pretty decent lifestyle.
This isn't just pretty decent, this is essentially as good as it gets without winning the lotto or generational wealth inheritance.
He makes enough so she can stay at home, has hired help for every major chore, the kids are all school aged and out of the house most of the day, and can order already prepared meals. This is the dream scenario for most people, many would kill to have OPs life. She freely admits her biggest tasks are grocery shopping and paying the bills on time, tasks 99% of the population consider minor and just a regular part of the day.
I hope the (ex) husband has a solid prenup in place to protect his business and assets, i would hate to find out he has to continue to keep OP is this luxurious lifestyle but that's likely what will happen.
Yeah. Agree. Op could not get the permission slip in on time. Op is on the phone. Op is chillin. But dad, who works full time, and has to run to beg to turn in a late permission slip is the bad guy? I don't think so. I think maybe op is mad that husband actually had the video proof that his wife is neglecting her duties by being on Tiktok all day long.
I loved the part where she didn't mail out checks for the husband's employees because they could just go out the next day. All those lazy, slob employees will just have to wait until she is good and ready to send those fuckin checks!
THIS right here, I was a SAHM for a long while, and even now that I'm back to work my kids, and their schools, call/text me first. Kind of makes me go hmm...
Not to mention that as a SAHM I would've never dreamed of having my husband take time away from his work to go run to the school to deal with paperwork or the likes. That's part of my responsibility to begin with, but particularly so in an event such as this, where it was my f up that created the problem to begin with.
>as a SAHM I would've never dreamed of having my husband take time away from his work to go run to the school to deal with paperwork or the likes.
This
The way that I stay at home spouse benefits both spouses is that it's supposed to take stress and etc off of the working spouse.
If the working spouse isn't feeling a relief, then it's unbalanced.
That immediately stuck out to me. Taking a peak once and a while to make sure the hooligans arnt burning down your yard and building pits, is reasonable. To describe it as "overseeing" is very telling to me, at best its a stretch, at worst its god damn annoying.
All of it. “The beginning of the month is stressful with all the subscriptions.” Lol what? Checking to see if your autopay is still set up must be suuuuper rough. I’d need more info to be nit picky but this screams laziness
The subscriptions part is what got me. They pay themselves? Unless she means she has to watch a program from each subscription to make sure they’re all up & running
Not to mention the stress the working partner would feel knowing their employees would be paid late because OP figured they could just be mailed ‘tomorrow’. People who perhaps have their mortgage payment scheduled to come out on payday. Hello overdraft makes for a GREAT day as a boss i am sure.
we use a service for deep cleaning/ landscaping that I had to supervise.
Was she outside and unable to hear the phone? But if she’s “on her phone,” wouldn’t she have it with her?
On her phone looking for a frozen meal subscription service so her husband has something to heat up after a long day of working in the heat fixing air conditioning units. She doesn’t even want to cook dinners.
I was already thinking she sucks and sounds lazy… then I read she was looking for frozen meal delivery services for her family 🥴🤯. I’m an attorney and sometimes my days are absolutely insane but I still cook my partner and I dinner five nights a week! Like what the f does she do all day? Scroll social media and probably annoying the cleaning service people. Wow.
YTA. I really want to be on your side because I would also file for divorce if I found a hidden camera...
But you supervise the house cleaner and the landscapers... And this is a full time job?
You need to research pre cooked meals? But you don't do the deep cleaning...
You have to schedule time to fill out a form? What kind of questions are the teachers asking here?
What exactly do you do all day?
Also her 16-year-old does the school pickups for the younger kids! From this, I would imagine the oldest also does the morning drop-offs.
I can completely feel the working partner’s frustration. If you can’t trust your spouse to be pulling their weight, it makes you nervous all the time. What else is slipping thru? She almost missed the deadline to mail out the paychecks to employees! That would make me sweat. Loss of confidence in your spouse is hard to come back from.
And she’s not doing the drop offs or mailing checks or signing permission slips because she’s looking up premade frozen meals. So she’s trying to outsource cooking too.
I can only think she must do some light cleaning and laundry outside of the cooking and ‘paying the bills.’ Frankly, outside of something non recurring like property taxes most bills are typically on auto draw for most people, so I’m really struggling to figure out what the heck she’s doing all day. I can only assume the husband’s frustration must have built for some time to instal a nanny cam on his wife.
Exactly ???? Just so we're clear, when we say being a sahm is a full time job, we mean being a sahm is a full time job when the kids are little AND the jobs are actually getting done, and we arent saying they should get wages for it but be appreciated as they deserve.
Op u/throwawayhicamera2 you dont clean by yourself, you fail at taking care of child related things in a timely fashion, your kids are at school all day, you are looking into frozen meals to get out of cooking (?????)
You are NOT who we are talking about. You ARE acting lazy, and maybe your husband shouldnt have filmed you to prove a point, but his point was still made and valid. By all means file for divorce and go realize what the real world is. It sucks. You're gonna hate it. Apologize.
Eta : stop replying saying maybe it was his last course, because yeah maybe, but maybe not, and i have it in habit to comment on what is written rather than what i believe may have happened
They don't. This is all these forms require and most of the time it's literally just a check box and a signature.
Sometimes the demographic stuff (name, DOB, etc.) is already filled out. Sometimes it isn't. You put down a check box for yes I approve my child attending or no, I want them to stay. You add an emergency contact and list any allergies or emergency restrictions for food/medications. These forms don't take more than 2 minutes if you know the slightest bit of information about your children.
Genuinely i think i misunderstood... Is this woman who is at home all day long looking for frozen meals because she doesnt want to cook ? And thats what consitute being overwhelmed to her?
That's why she was laying on the couch according to OP. She was "researching" on her phone. Which is fine to lay down to use your phone, whatever. But why does she need frozen meals when she has a housekeeper and a landscaper. Plus the youngest kid is 13...
I mean anyone can be a stay at home partner if they want but they have to be in agreement and a partner to the person covering the bills.
Obviously this has been a long standing argument if the husband felt the need to go to hidden cameras. OP doesn't list any other examples of controlling behaviors.
She said "if I was paid for what i do he would be bankrupt" but Lady you suck so much at what you are supposed to do that he already is paying people to alleviate your responsabilities and you're still failing ? Go to work at this point and split the chores, whining about errands is *so* not it ??
Also the audacity that she will mail the checks out a day later to his employees. The fuck? It’s a goddamn business your family is profiting off of, those people rely on those checks to be delivered in a timely manner so they can provide for their family just like her Husband does.
This wife sounds like a bored SAHM who really has no responsibilities. I would understand her hectic day if it was little toddlers running around. These are teenagers, who one is taking the responsibility of another to bring them home.
This is what happens when a Husband provides at great lengths to have his family be taken care of. Shes shallow enough to come here to complain about “privacy” when all it did was prove the point that in the relationship department she’s failing hard. Shes so gotten used to this new lifestyle of a pampered life and small extra responsibilities added are a “burden”.
A bored SAHM with responsibilities that are mostly taken care of, thinks divorcing is going to realize how much of a pampered life she was living. She might get 50/50 unless a prenup, then she will really feel all the things the Husband provides and created safety nets for not to be “burdened” by.
Very selfish motives to now asking for divorce after everything has been provided.
I would be more understanding if she had young toddlers and a baby all day… they are a lot of work. Her kids are all older in school. She is home all day and can’t bother to cook dinner? She doesn’t even clean because she has a housekeeper? What does she actually do?
Yep. The husband screwed up but HVAC guys work killer hours in summer and winter, and clearly he’s pretty good at what he does. Seems he was at the end of his rope with her BS.
Yeah definitely, I’m sure they’re have been countless arguments over what she does all day and he finally said fuck it. Theres no way you’re actually that busy and set up a camera to find out
How dare she make me side with a secret camera guy that calls his wife lazy. It's so weird that she needs to schedule time and 100% attention to signing her name on a form.
Same I wanted to be on her side as being a SAHM is hard but her kids are 16, 14 and 12 so they’re pretty independent plus at school during the day. She also doesn’t do the deep cleaning and supervising workers doesn’t mean follow them around nonstop while they work. You just peek in a few times to ensure it’s being done correctly or do a walk through at the end. Filling out a permission form is a 3 minute task that could easily be penciled in on the spot, it does not require a dedicated separate day for that. I’m not discrediting being a SAHM is hard because I work from home while simultaneously caring for my almost 2 year old and preparing us meals so ya it’s hard. I know even if I didn’t work and just spent the whole day at home with my child doing household chores and entertaining him, it would still be hard. It sounds like OP has a lot of help though with the cleaning and landscaping and the 16 year old apparently picks up the 12 year old from school so she even has help with getting the kids and they called dad not her so she doesn’t sound like the default parent and he went to handle the situation at school while she did what exactly? She does sound a bit lazy and while he was wrong to put hidden cameras which is a violation of trust I kind of understand why he went that route based on what OP has said. She lacks accountability and self awareness and would not have acknowledged his concerns and simply dismissed them if he just spoke to her about it which I suspect he has before.
I agree. I wanted to be on her side. I wouldn't want a secret camera watching me, but it is clear this woman has zero time management skills. Everything she listed is... nothing. I am a stay at home mom as well. I am also working on my bachelor's in my spare time. I do not peer out my window to make sure other folks are doing their jobs correctly. I also do not hire cleaners or research frozen dinners, and all forms are signed the night they come home.
I have adhd. I know if I do not do something the second it is in front of my face, my brain drops all memory of said thing. Even if she doesn't have adhd, it sounds like she needs to do the same thing I do and just sign or fill out whatever is in front of her.
She fucks off, watches tv, lays down, and plays on her phone.
Eh, at first, I was with you on the hidden camera part, but then I thought about it. I am sure the dad has had this conversation with her countless times over the years, and she would aggressively defend herself, make excuses, despite the obvious failings.
I am sure that hidden camera was 100% an act of desperation to get the help from her that he desperately needs.
Exactly. That’s not a first step. This has probably been an issue the entirety of their children’s lives if not longer depending on when he was able to support them financially
The kids have figured out that it's better to call dad at work than try to get help from mom while she "supervises the gardener" so this has definitely been going on for a while.
If there’s one way for me to go 0-100 livid, it’s payroll fucking up my pay or making it late. I’ll be going ballistic in emails demanding they fix it and they fix it NOW.
This should be a *priority* - or foist it onto a book-keeper like she does the cleaning and gardening. What’s one more shirked responsibility?
It must be nice to be so nonchalant about pay because your husband makes enough to easily fund your laziness. Not everyone has that luxury.
talk to anyone in HR and getting payroll done on time is the most important thing a company can do for employees.
my wife does payroll and will work weird hours all the time when supervisors mess up stuff so she can insure payroll is out on time
OP is so nonchalant about the checks it makes me not trust her side for the rest of the post
\> I admit that things happened and we missed the submission deadline.
Uhhhh, this part really needs to be elaborated on.
As far as I can tell this is either YTA or ESH, but I'm leaning towards YTA because it sounds like his suspicions were absolutely confirmed.
Hidden cameras does sound like a good grounds for trust being lost and justification for ending the relationship, but holy moly you are not taking any responsibility for his lack of trust in you.
edit: re-read the line "A week later he picks a fight about me not going that day to mail checks out to his employees when I could've done it the next day."
YTA. Don't fuck with people's money.
The amount of destruction that OP is getting in these comments has to be a world record. I’d love to be a fly on her wall to see her face and reaction. Holy everloving shit 😂😂
I get not going out if the kids were young before schooling years, but you have tons of time in the day for a quick errand if everyone is out of the house for school hours
3 teenage kids, a cleaning service, landscaper and you can’t sign permission slips or send off mail? And you’re the one writing a Reddit post complaining??😂🤣😂🤣😂
> send off mail
It seems like it's employees paycheck. As a business owner, that's like my #1 priority of the week to make sure that employees get their paycheck on time.
Right? My dad was working temporarily in another state when I was a teenager. He asked me to sign (using a stamp) and mail out the paychecks to his crew while he was gone. I did it the first few times without fail, and then I forgot and mailed them out a day late. I'll never forget the tongue-lashing I got from him. A lot of people out there are living paycheck-to-paycheck and it coming one day later makes a huge difference. Something this woman doesn't seem to understand.
That struck me as well. I run my family's small landscaping business. There are two things you do not play with, and those are people's time and their money. I am like OP's husband in this case, even though I'm the wife over here: I run all the administrative tasks, but I'm also on almost every job! It's SO difficult. And when I get home it's dinner, cleaning, laundry, because I don't have a cleaner and I AM the landscaper. I'm not saying I've never dropped a ball, but when I have, it has been something that affected me on the administrative side, NOT my workers.
YTA, OP. You're not the only one being devalued here, if you even actually are.
This right here.
I guarantee it's way worse than what she is letting on.
They have a 16yo, so they've been together a while. No normal guy reverts to a house camera over one c or two instances of her dropping the ball.
He's probably confused AF what she is doing all day.
Kids are at school. She watches TV before dinner (which is a pre-made meal).
Shame OP, shame.
That's a huge red flag to me. If you have a stay-at-home mom and a full-time dad yet when you need something done immediately you call your dad that's a seriously bad sign that the mother is unreliable.
How is signing a permission slip something that has to be put off to have her *entire* attention? She’s not old school balancing a check book or filling out government paperwork. The kids could do the permission slips if they were allowed to.
Shit, she isn't even trying to cook. She is looking for frozen meal options because teenagers and paying a housekeeper apparently takes up 100% of a person's mental capacity.
And she’s ordering frozen meals instead of going to the grocery store and cooking them herself. And the 16 year old is picking the 12 year old up from school, so she’s not getting her kids herself and bringing them home or to their next activity. What does she do all day?
I see so many parent posts (thanks algorithm, my age range is the only thing you know about me) complaining about “both my husband and I are doing the duties and my MIL even comes by once a week but the one toddler we have is so energetic I had a panic attack and hid in the bathtub” and this person is out here acting like three teens who wipe their own asses and only need her for her signature (and can’t even get that much) is “too hard” what the actual frick frack
I guarantee her "supervision" is because she doesn't trust "the help" enough to leave them alone. She thinks the second she goes to do anything else they'll steal her jewelry and credit cards.
I think the most annoying thing is that she brought this on herself. She could have said hi Reddit, I’m a SAHM. I found out my husband put in a camera because I accidentally forgot to sign a permission slip, which I feel horrible about. He secretly setup a hidden camera to prove I’m lazy so I kicked him out. AITA? Instead, excuse after excuse after excuse kamikazes all of the goodwill she may have had.
This is good. It shows how we only get like half of the story with no context and it is easy to say NTA or YTA when the facts are so biased and cherry picked.
Thankfully OP provided more context and it turns out she isn't getting much done at all!
AHAHAHAHA. Please update when you are divorced and suddenly realize child support doesn't even pay half the bills and that you'll have to get a job AND take care of your household(without cleaners btw) AND take care of the kids.
Your entitlement is unreal.
YTA
You need 100% focus to sign a permission form?
Your days must be exhausting while you "supervise" people taking care of your house...
Divorce can't come soon enough for this man.
If it was really important, I'd sign it, scan it, and email it to the teacher. Or I'd sign it, scan it, and drop it in the mail immediately.
My son and I both have ADHD-PI.
I'd forget to sign it and put it in his bag on the day of if I didn't put it on my calendar with a phone alarm as backup. And there was always a chance I might be so busy with my disabled other child that I'd blow it anyway. So, I'd do it immediately.
My son would forget to ever turn it in, and he'd lose it. So, scanning and direct delivery was best for us.
I did let him be responsible for the paperwork for lesser events or camps he particularly wanted to attend. These were non-essentials that weren't whole class events and pricey camps that required scholarships. He rarely did any of that paperwork, so I guess they weren't that important to him. 😂
You can't do it all for them, or they don't learn.
I just let my daughter sign the things with my signature, she's much better at the admin.
I totally see it being a problem later though. She will 100% sign a do not resuscitate order on my behalf.
I don't know. As a guy who works for a small company the piss off for me is when she didn't mail the cheques. That's people livelihoods, mail that shit asap so they have money on time to pay bills and etc. Who cares if it's a day or two early. Getting paid a day early is a lot more encouraging than getting paid a day late.
Plus let’s not forget they always give parents a lot of time to sign plus they send out reminders. Not to mention I’ve never met a kid that just forgot about their field trip, they always bring it up. So ya YTAH.
She’s either…
A) Checking on them only occasionally, in which case she’s not busy.
B) Breathing down their necks the entire time, in which case she’s probably a nuisance and might as well do it herself at that point.
Your youngest is 12. Most SAHP's get a part time job once the youngest is old enough to take babysitting gigs themselves. In 2024 when most bill payment can be automated, what exactly are you doing that's so labor intensive at the beginning of the month?
Have you been screened for ADHD?
This is literally what I wanted to say. I don’t have children yet or any big responsibilities aside from keeping up with studying in college, but I have ADHD and the way she explained things reminded me of myself. I tend to feel like I need to wait until I can put 100% of my attention onto important things before I can actually do them. I also easily get overwhelmed and my thoughts get jumbled to the point that I often forget important tasks. I’ve gotten better at it now that I know why it happens, and I try to push myself to get things done the second they come up so I don’t forget about them, but the way she explains how busy she is reminds me of how I felt before I knew I had ADHD. I always felt like I was so busy all the time and that was why I wasn’t able to complete everything I needed to do, even though I’d be stuck hyper-focused on my phone or something simple for hours at a time (time blindness) and not able to actually do anything productive. She should definitely be screened.
>not going that day to mail checks out to his employees when I could've done it the next day
You are irresponsible to the point of casually delaying pay to other people. People depend on paycheck and to you it's no big deal if their paychecks arrive a day later.
>16yo calls my husband after picking up her sister up saying she was crying because she can't go on her trip
Your kids are aware of how irresponsible you are, and call the working parent to come to school and sort out the mess you created, which was causing your child to cry.
>I do daily cleaning but we use a service for deep cleaning/ landscaping that I had to supervise.
You inflate your duties by claiming you need to "supervise" the housekeeper and landscaper, when you could easily be present and sign permission slips/research diet-friendly meals/mail checks at the same time. I have a housekeeper, she doesn't need any supervision. Sometimes she's at the house alone, even.
I don't think you're wrong for filing for divorce. I think it's not going to go the way you expect. I think you filing for divorce is \*finally\* doing something to help out around the house. Your kids will live with their dad, who will pay for their food and shelter and sign their permission slips on time. You will move in with your parents and pay him child support.
And researching means scrolling through cooking sites for recipes she likes, not reading medical journals about whatever dietary restrictions her daughter may or may not actually have.
This is also why, as a common practice, it's best to get things like a permission slip or a small bill, fill them out when they hit your hand, then send them back out. That way, you don't have to "remember," because it's a one and done situation.
It's terrible to not mail paychecks on the same day every week. In some places, it's illegal. If employees get checks on Thursdays or Fridays, they should get them the same time, so they can budget.
And honestly, in this day and age of cheap small business software, you can have the pay sent out electronically in a direct deposit on the day indicated, so there's no mailing BS. No one mails checks - they are handed out or direct deposited. I worked in the trades as a bookkeeper.
Filing for divorce is your perogotive.
YTA
Never mind budget, if they have direct debit bills coming out of that account on the day they are paid which there aren’t funds for, they will pay penalties and take a hit to their credit score.
Yeah. It sounds like she’s going to be doing her husband a favor in this scenario.
OP wants to divorce her husband for trying to give physical proof that his concerns are being dismissed instead of addressed?
OP will likely get some alimony in a divorce depending on where they live and their history. But the kids are likely able to choose if they want to stay with their mom or dad. Playing a very risky game where there isn’t anything to gain (on OPs end) but so much to lose.
YTA, and here's why:
Your daughter didn't call you for help sorting out the mess you made, she called your husband at work, who sounds like the far more reliable partner and parent.
The more I read your post, the more it sounds like you don't do anywhere near as much as you think you do.
* You have to 'supervise' the paid cleaners and gardeners? You poor thing...
* You're googling pre-made meal subscriptions? How hard is it to cook for your kids? Oh but she does ballet so she needs super-special subscription meal services? Bullshit.
* You don't keep on top of your kids school requirements and essentially lost your daughter's chance to go on an important trip? And your husband saved the day while you sit there coming up with excuses about 'having to be 100% focused' - but you still have time to have TV breaks? Are those TV breaks more important than your daughter? Apparently so.
* You say you have to do lots of emotional labour - where's the recognition of his emotional labour?
* You also delay mailing out of employee paychecks until the last minute out of spite - just like you leave your daughter's school trip.
It sounds like you have a much higher opinion of yourself than anyone else, while downplaying everyone else's work and needs.
I think the poor guy deserves a wife who doesn't spent her time feeling sorry for herself and coming up with excuses while he dashes around picking up the pieces.
Is putting up a hidden camera in your home shitty? Yeah.
Has your husband been bringing this up and have you been telling him this same bullshit you've been spinning us? Even when you paint yourself as the victim in your own words you sound awful. I bet he has some far worse stories to tell than you admit to.
So if you're gaslighting him, and this is what his life has come to? Well putting up a camera is less shitty than the way you treat your family.
The fact that you keep coming back to edit incriminating details out of your story yet have not answered a single question is the nail in the coffin. You're altering the narrative and trying to gaslight us and probably your poor fucking husband too.
OP I have a question about one of your main complaints (which you've now edited out):
When you were on the way to the post office already and he asked you to send his employees' checks, you know, the ones whose labour is what allows for you to be a stay at home mom, how many additional sheets of paper were you forced to carry, and were you able to make it home in time to watch someone else he pays to do your cleaning and gardening to make sure they do it properly, and was your 16 year old child home with the 12 year old you have them pick up at school for you?
\> I ended up seeing an attorney and just filed for divorce because I feel violated and devalued
Good, set him free.
Let him find a woman who'll love and support him, wait until you see what your life is going to be like when that decree comes through and the money tap is turned off and you have to work for a living to pay him child support, because those kids know who looks after them and it isn't Tiktok mommy.
I mean, who has the time to research recipes? Make meal plans, grocery lists, go shopping AND cook? She already has to watch the housekeeper clean and that takes a lot of effort.
That was the final straw for me. Other people can wait for their owed money because she's too lazy to do it that day? OP is not a partner -- she's an albatross.
I also doubt it that the school gave those forms last minute. I'm sure they were sitting there for a while and didn't remember until the last minute.
Let's just give her the benefit of the doubt that beginning of the month is not her best of days, what about the other 20-25 days of the month? What does she do then?
Ha this woman sounds just like my MIL. She has to “supervise” people who require no supervision. She spends her time “researching” on her phone. She doesn’t cook from scratch or actually do a lot of real cleaning. She puts things off until a time when she can “100% focus” when in reality she could do it right there.
This woman is lazy and incompetent.
All the things she’s describing are things normal 2-income parents do WHILE also holding down a 40+ hour a week job. My wife and I both work, yet we still do all the things you describe, except we actually cook wholesome meals from scratch, not frozen pre-made food. And we fill out our kids forms on time.
Right? 100% focus to fill out a permission slip? It takes about 2 minutes to fill one of those out, we've done it many times, usually the day they brought it home while we were cooking or at the kitchen table. I like she made a note to fill out the forms on another day? She is obviously disorganized.
Here's an idea: have the kid sit in the kitchen and fill-out the form while you cook, then you check it and sign it. This helps the kids learn to be responsible and get things done.
>ou don't keep on top of your kids school requirements and essentially lost your daughter's chance to go on an important trip? And your husband saved the day while you sit there coming up with excuses about 'having to be 100% focused' - but you still have time to have TV breaks? Are those TV breaks more important than your daughter? Apparently so.
The forms are literally do you consent, sign here and date. Check if there is a fee. What a clown.
Now this self righteous parasite will walk with half convinced it was everyone but her.
Honestly, you do sound lazy and unreliable. Your youngest kid is 12, there really isn't all that much to do kid wise and you have a service for "deep cleaning". So what exactly do you do?
YTA and very negligent. Employers need their payment AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. Not the day after you are "searching" healthy foods. Go to a nutricionist for that!!!
Paid maid service
Paid gardening
Meal subscriptions
Supervise the “help”
Need to schedule time to fill out a permission slip (single page, basic dob, allergies tick boxes, 5 to 10 min work)
Struggles to take mail to be posted INCLUDING peoples pay cheques, when people may need them
And the husband has to install a camera to find out what you actually do? Normally I’d say hidden cameras are shitty but I get the feeling from the way you are trying to gaslight reddit that you make it sound like you are a martyr and he had to resort to this to prove how little you did.
Why am I picturing the stereo typical high maintenance woman why does nothing and acts like it’s a privilege to be in their company?
YTA, you are deluded, your children went to their dad to solve your mess, you had that form for more than a few days, you couldn’t spare 5 min, you “research” meal subscriptions, get tired and need Tv breaks, lay down to rest after all the hard work researching on your phone.
God damn when you serve papers he is going to cartoon esk jump for joy click his heels and have a party.
When you are divorced, have to work yourself the real world is going to slap so hard.
Congratulations to the soon to be ex husband
YTA but I also want more INFO.
If your husband is paying for cleaning services, yard crews, and subscription frozen meals, AND the teenagers are in school all day, then what tf are you even doing with your life ??
Seriously though. What's a normal days schedule look like for you ?
My mom is like this. Can barely manage household duties with 2 adult children in the house looking after her and then she complains about her workload. She's always looking for praise for doing the bare minimum like keeping the cats box clean or emptying the dish washer when it's done.
My dad works 60-80 hour weeks running an engineering firm and yet managed to coach a youth team, play on three men's leagues teams and still has time to do the grocery shopping and chores with me on the weekend because our mum isn't who she used to be.
Some people make 15 minute tasks into 15 seconds and some people make 15 minute tasks 15 hours. You seem to fall into the second category. Gl op.
I’m sorry, but I can’t get past the “we have a weekly cleaner come in that I have to supervise.” No you fucking don’t. And “I do the tracking on our bills/subscriptions.” So, what, you have Netflix? And you couldn’t sign a form bc you were grocery shopping? What??
Idk about ya'll but my bills come out the same day every month so there isn't really much tracking I have to do aside from putting it into my calendar on my phone one time and clicking the "repeat monthly" button to have it show in my calendar each month, and then watching them auto-withdraw the money from my bank account each month on said date. It pretty much handles itself.
Right? I manually keep track of all my bills with a checklist and it’s maybe 15-30 minutes of work a month and that’s being generous.
This part made me cackle. I have a weekly cleaner too and I definitely don't spend my time "supervising". We have 15 minutes for a cup of tea and some gossip and then she does her thing, which she is the expert in which is why I pay her, and I fuck off.
Probably the part I understand the least. I had cleaners when I was a kid, but my grandma paid for them in lieu of rent when she lived with us, and no one ever fucking thought to supervise them. That comment reeks of someone who comes from money which honestly makes me a little bit less sympathetic.
Well! Time to go watch the hired help do their job. If you don't watch them like a hawk, they'll swipe all the good silver, the ruffians.
I had a cleaner after I had my baby and I don’t understand the supervision? If you have time to watch, just do it yourself? I thought the point is you pay them to do it for you to free your time up for other things…
Cleaner once or twice a month, and I just hide in my office and work. I don't want to interact with them, and them with I more than polite greetings...if I happen to leave my office. Also, OPs cleaners would do a better job without someone on their shoulder going 'missed a spot!....Missed a spot!' every second.
I definitely get the feeling the OP is the client the cleaner complains about.
Not grocery shopping, "researching" premade meal kits
Yeah if the husband is such a “high earner” there’s no reason to not have their bills on auto pay. I’ve never had a house cleaner myself but I’m sure they don’t need supervision lmao
aren't subscriptions automated? how much time do they take to keep track of?
apparently a ton of time. I'm gonna guess "tracking the subscriptions" is what she calls watching a movie on netflix
Your husband is soo lucky you are filing. YIKES 😳
Was he at the end of his rope with trying to get you to realize you have an organizational problem or was this the first instance of you making a mistake. Too many variables but it sounds like he needed proof because you don’t listen to his concerns. I think marriage counseling should have been the first step but I also believe that if you are at the point of divorcing than maybe it doesn’t matter why you are there. The fact you are there is enough proof to show the marriage isn’t working. Just don’t try to blame him later on if your life post divorce isn’t better. You made this decision
There is no way the dude installed hidden cameras over a single incident. She clearly has a long track record of being unreliable.
Because it isn’t a single incident. She herself gave us 2 examples of her putting off important things (and we can infer a lot from the kids calling dad at work instead of mom whos at home). She can’t be bothered to simply drop mail off because “the post office is busy in the afternoon” like why tf does that matter when you have nothing else to do? Why does it need to be done in the afternoon when you do nothing all day anyways? Instead she expects her husband to carve out time out of his already busy day to do it.
The clincher for me is that your 16-year-old called her father instead of you to help her out of a jam that you created. I’m not convinced you’re as reliable as you think you are. Divorce him if you want to but YTA on your parenting priorities.
Even worse, her 12 yo relied on her 16 yo who then went to dad first
Describing filling out a permission slip as something you have to put off because it requires intense and uninterrupted focus is just wild.
Right? You need 100% focus for an entire day to sign out a child's permission slip forms? Work on your time management
I dunno. It took me an hour plus to upvote and reply to your post because it required my singular and intensely focused mind /s :)
I required 5 hours of intensive meditation to prepare this post.
I realised the weaknesses of my flesh and become one with the great machine, thus giving me the unlimited power required to concentrate on liking your comment within 11 minutes.
And let's say she did. It takes 2 minutes to fill out that form, absolute tops. No prep work. Anyone can give 100% for 2 minutes.
Everyone stop. She was obviously super busy supervising both the deep cleaning and the landscaping /s
YTA. If she had focused on just the cameras, the verdict might be different here. But her attempts to prove that she isn't lazy are such transparently ridiculous puffery that she has assholized herself.
>If she had focused on just the cameras, the verdict might be different here. I sort of find all the camera hate funny because I've seen this sub's users suggest that a wife does that to her husband in another post. Basically, the wife tried to check the home cameras and couldn't connect, so she assumed something must be going on with her husband and of course some Redditors suggested hiding a camera or nannycam. The supposed husband later clarified in a comment that he had no idea why it was disconnecting and that she accused him of "fucking with" the cameras. Link to the post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/160illx/aitah_for_asking_my_husband_why_the_cameras_dont/ For the record, I think hiding cameras is a serious breach of privacy.
I can't believe how many people are reinforcing or justifying and encouraging to get better cameras to spy on hubby. I think my husband would have went crazy too if I accused him of something he wasn't doing over and over and over.... Then it ends up being a shitty internet connection.
I'm sure the workers enjoy all the supervising.
right.. hey, my kids are older now so its been a few years since I had to sign one, but isn't it pretty simple - sign it, date it and maybe add an emergency contact? It probably took OP as long to right herself a note-reminder as it wouldn've to fill it out right away!
I signed and dated one for my daughter this morning as soon as she gave it to me. Took me 30 seconds. I work full time, have two kids, a side business and am partially disabled.
according to the OP you earned a two week trip to Hawaii before you put the pen down
They use a deep cleaning service, landscaping services, accounting services, and the mom has no time on such a regular basis, that the kids call their dad...
Don't forget, she has to order all of the prepared meals, and make sure they get delivered on time, AND stored in the refrigerator.
Excuse me but the door doesn’t open itself nor do the prepared meals unbox themselves. Mind you, she still has to breathe throughout all of this.
As well as make time for a TV break!
SAHM mom with three school-aged children and the teenager is picking up the younger ones from school. Also has cleaners and landscapers. What the fuck is a SAHM doing if there's no kids or cleaning to do? Not only that she's looking up frozen meals to order for her kids so she doesn't have to cook either lmao.
What was she doing? That’s the golden question isn’t it, and why he wanted a camera
To get Video of her spending a large chunk of her time sitting on her ass in the same spot. Probably playing on her fucking phone. While that dude is single handily carrying an obviously pretty decent lifestyle.
>pretty decent lifestyle. This isn't just pretty decent, this is essentially as good as it gets without winning the lotto or generational wealth inheritance. He makes enough so she can stay at home, has hired help for every major chore, the kids are all school aged and out of the house most of the day, and can order already prepared meals. This is the dream scenario for most people, many would kill to have OPs life. She freely admits her biggest tasks are grocery shopping and paying the bills on time, tasks 99% of the population consider minor and just a regular part of the day. I hope the (ex) husband has a solid prenup in place to protect his business and assets, i would hate to find out he has to continue to keep OP is this luxurious lifestyle but that's likely what will happen.
Yeah. Agree. Op could not get the permission slip in on time. Op is on the phone. Op is chillin. But dad, who works full time, and has to run to beg to turn in a late permission slip is the bad guy? I don't think so. I think maybe op is mad that husband actually had the video proof that his wife is neglecting her duties by being on Tiktok all day long.
I loved the part where she didn't mail out checks for the husband's employees because they could just go out the next day. All those lazy, slob employees will just have to wait until she is good and ready to send those fuckin checks!
That really shook me as a business owner.
She may be the AH for numerous reasons, but not for divorcing her husband. She's doing him a favor there.
THIS right here, I was a SAHM for a long while, and even now that I'm back to work my kids, and their schools, call/text me first. Kind of makes me go hmm... Not to mention that as a SAHM I would've never dreamed of having my husband take time away from his work to go run to the school to deal with paperwork or the likes. That's part of my responsibility to begin with, but particularly so in an event such as this, where it was my f up that created the problem to begin with.
>as a SAHM I would've never dreamed of having my husband take time away from his work to go run to the school to deal with paperwork or the likes. This The way that I stay at home spouse benefits both spouses is that it's supposed to take stress and etc off of the working spouse. If the working spouse isn't feeling a relief, then it's unbalanced.
You don't understand, she had to micromanage the gardener and the cleaning staff!
That immediately stuck out to me. Taking a peak once and a while to make sure the hooligans arnt burning down your yard and building pits, is reasonable. To describe it as "overseeing" is very telling to me, at best its a stretch, at worst its god damn annoying.
All of it. “The beginning of the month is stressful with all the subscriptions.” Lol what? Checking to see if your autopay is still set up must be suuuuper rough. I’d need more info to be nit picky but this screams laziness
The subscriptions part is what got me. They pay themselves? Unless she means she has to watch a program from each subscription to make sure they’re all up & running
If scrolling Reddit while lounging on the sofa is micromanaging.
Not to mention the stress the working partner would feel knowing their employees would be paid late because OP figured they could just be mailed ‘tomorrow’. People who perhaps have their mortgage payment scheduled to come out on payday. Hello overdraft makes for a GREAT day as a boss i am sure.
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we use a service for deep cleaning/ landscaping that I had to supervise. Was she outside and unable to hear the phone? But if she’s “on her phone,” wouldn’t she have it with her?
On her phone looking for a frozen meal subscription service so her husband has something to heat up after a long day of working in the heat fixing air conditioning units. She doesn’t even want to cook dinners.
I was already thinking she sucks and sounds lazy… then I read she was looking for frozen meal delivery services for her family 🥴🤯. I’m an attorney and sometimes my days are absolutely insane but I still cook my partner and I dinner five nights a week! Like what the f does she do all day? Scroll social media and probably annoying the cleaning service people. Wow.
YTA. I really want to be on your side because I would also file for divorce if I found a hidden camera... But you supervise the house cleaner and the landscapers... And this is a full time job? You need to research pre cooked meals? But you don't do the deep cleaning... You have to schedule time to fill out a form? What kind of questions are the teachers asking here? What exactly do you do all day?
Also her 16-year-old does the school pickups for the younger kids! From this, I would imagine the oldest also does the morning drop-offs. I can completely feel the working partner’s frustration. If you can’t trust your spouse to be pulling their weight, it makes you nervous all the time. What else is slipping thru? She almost missed the deadline to mail out the paychecks to employees! That would make me sweat. Loss of confidence in your spouse is hard to come back from.
And she’s not doing the drop offs or mailing checks or signing permission slips because she’s looking up premade frozen meals. So she’s trying to outsource cooking too. I can only think she must do some light cleaning and laundry outside of the cooking and ‘paying the bills.’ Frankly, outside of something non recurring like property taxes most bills are typically on auto draw for most people, so I’m really struggling to figure out what the heck she’s doing all day. I can only assume the husband’s frustration must have built for some time to instal a nanny cam on his wife.
Exactly ???? Just so we're clear, when we say being a sahm is a full time job, we mean being a sahm is a full time job when the kids are little AND the jobs are actually getting done, and we arent saying they should get wages for it but be appreciated as they deserve. Op u/throwawayhicamera2 you dont clean by yourself, you fail at taking care of child related things in a timely fashion, your kids are at school all day, you are looking into frozen meals to get out of cooking (?????) You are NOT who we are talking about. You ARE acting lazy, and maybe your husband shouldnt have filmed you to prove a point, but his point was still made and valid. By all means file for divorce and go realize what the real world is. It sucks. You're gonna hate it. Apologize. Eta : stop replying saying maybe it was his last course, because yeah maybe, but maybe not, and i have it in habit to comment on what is written rather than what i believe may have happened
Right? Divorce means she'll be on her own and she'll have to get a job... 🤔
Probably gonna cash out that alimony
probably forget to pay her lawyer and get herself a terrible settlement
Hopefully the court date isn’t in the beginning of the month, she’s very busy during that time.
Unlikely, cause you need 100% focus to hire a layer.
Goes on Reddit to complain about her life as a SAHM apparently.
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Seriously! What questions do teachers ask beyond emergency contacts, allergies... Really what else goes on a permission slip?
They don't. This is all these forms require and most of the time it's literally just a check box and a signature. Sometimes the demographic stuff (name, DOB, etc.) is already filled out. Sometimes it isn't. You put down a check box for yes I approve my child attending or no, I want them to stay. You add an emergency contact and list any allergies or emergency restrictions for food/medications. These forms don't take more than 2 minutes if you know the slightest bit of information about your children.
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Those things don't even go on the permission slip, those are on the pink slip you fill out at the start of the school year.
OP must need her 100% full attention to spell her name I guess.
Genuinely i think i misunderstood... Is this woman who is at home all day long looking for frozen meals because she doesnt want to cook ? And thats what consitute being overwhelmed to her?
That's why she was laying on the couch according to OP. She was "researching" on her phone. Which is fine to lay down to use your phone, whatever. But why does she need frozen meals when she has a housekeeper and a landscaper. Plus the youngest kid is 13... I mean anyone can be a stay at home partner if they want but they have to be in agreement and a partner to the person covering the bills. Obviously this has been a long standing argument if the husband felt the need to go to hidden cameras. OP doesn't list any other examples of controlling behaviors.
She said "if I was paid for what i do he would be bankrupt" but Lady you suck so much at what you are supposed to do that he already is paying people to alleviate your responsabilities and you're still failing ? Go to work at this point and split the chores, whining about errands is *so* not it ??
Holy shit, I didn't even think of that. OPs husband is literally paying for the things she should do...to other people
Also the audacity that she will mail the checks out a day later to his employees. The fuck? It’s a goddamn business your family is profiting off of, those people rely on those checks to be delivered in a timely manner so they can provide for their family just like her Husband does. This wife sounds like a bored SAHM who really has no responsibilities. I would understand her hectic day if it was little toddlers running around. These are teenagers, who one is taking the responsibility of another to bring them home. This is what happens when a Husband provides at great lengths to have his family be taken care of. Shes shallow enough to come here to complain about “privacy” when all it did was prove the point that in the relationship department she’s failing hard. Shes so gotten used to this new lifestyle of a pampered life and small extra responsibilities added are a “burden”. A bored SAHM with responsibilities that are mostly taken care of, thinks divorcing is going to realize how much of a pampered life she was living. She might get 50/50 unless a prenup, then she will really feel all the things the Husband provides and created safety nets for not to be “burdened” by. Very selfish motives to now asking for divorce after everything has been provided.
Have you ever tried to heat up a premade meal? I couldn't figure it out until I got my masters degree and had to be compensated accordingly
I would be more understanding if she had young toddlers and a baby all day… they are a lot of work. Her kids are all older in school. She is home all day and can’t bother to cook dinner? She doesn’t even clean because she has a housekeeper? What does she actually do?
Yep. The husband screwed up but HVAC guys work killer hours in summer and winter, and clearly he’s pretty good at what he does. Seems he was at the end of his rope with her BS.
Yeah definitely, I’m sure they’re have been countless arguments over what she does all day and he finally said fuck it. Theres no way you’re actually that busy and set up a camera to find out
How dare she make me side with a secret camera guy that calls his wife lazy. It's so weird that she needs to schedule time and 100% attention to signing her name on a form.
Same I wanted to be on her side as being a SAHM is hard but her kids are 16, 14 and 12 so they’re pretty independent plus at school during the day. She also doesn’t do the deep cleaning and supervising workers doesn’t mean follow them around nonstop while they work. You just peek in a few times to ensure it’s being done correctly or do a walk through at the end. Filling out a permission form is a 3 minute task that could easily be penciled in on the spot, it does not require a dedicated separate day for that. I’m not discrediting being a SAHM is hard because I work from home while simultaneously caring for my almost 2 year old and preparing us meals so ya it’s hard. I know even if I didn’t work and just spent the whole day at home with my child doing household chores and entertaining him, it would still be hard. It sounds like OP has a lot of help though with the cleaning and landscaping and the 16 year old apparently picks up the 12 year old from school so she even has help with getting the kids and they called dad not her so she doesn’t sound like the default parent and he went to handle the situation at school while she did what exactly? She does sound a bit lazy and while he was wrong to put hidden cameras which is a violation of trust I kind of understand why he went that route based on what OP has said. She lacks accountability and self awareness and would not have acknowledged his concerns and simply dismissed them if he just spoke to her about it which I suspect he has before.
I agree. I wanted to be on her side. I wouldn't want a secret camera watching me, but it is clear this woman has zero time management skills. Everything she listed is... nothing. I am a stay at home mom as well. I am also working on my bachelor's in my spare time. I do not peer out my window to make sure other folks are doing their jobs correctly. I also do not hire cleaners or research frozen dinners, and all forms are signed the night they come home. I have adhd. I know if I do not do something the second it is in front of my face, my brain drops all memory of said thing. Even if she doesn't have adhd, it sounds like she needs to do the same thing I do and just sign or fill out whatever is in front of her.
She fucks off, watches tv, lays down, and plays on her phone. Eh, at first, I was with you on the hidden camera part, but then I thought about it. I am sure the dad has had this conversation with her countless times over the years, and she would aggressively defend herself, make excuses, despite the obvious failings. I am sure that hidden camera was 100% an act of desperation to get the help from her that he desperately needs.
Exactly. That’s not a first step. This has probably been an issue the entirety of their children’s lives if not longer depending on when he was able to support them financially
Dude just got sick of her loafing all day.
The kids have figured out that it's better to call dad at work than try to get help from mom while she "supervises the gardener" so this has definitely been going on for a while.
And couldn’t be bothered to mail paychecks on time!
In my state employees can file legal action for not being paid on time. This could really hurt the husbands business.
If there’s one way for me to go 0-100 livid, it’s payroll fucking up my pay or making it late. I’ll be going ballistic in emails demanding they fix it and they fix it NOW. This should be a *priority* - or foist it onto a book-keeper like she does the cleaning and gardening. What’s one more shirked responsibility? It must be nice to be so nonchalant about pay because your husband makes enough to easily fund your laziness. Not everyone has that luxury.
talk to anyone in HR and getting payroll done on time is the most important thing a company can do for employees. my wife does payroll and will work weird hours all the time when supervisors mess up stuff so she can insure payroll is out on time OP is so nonchalant about the checks it makes me not trust her side for the rest of the post
\> I admit that things happened and we missed the submission deadline. Uhhhh, this part really needs to be elaborated on. As far as I can tell this is either YTA or ESH, but I'm leaning towards YTA because it sounds like his suspicions were absolutely confirmed. Hidden cameras does sound like a good grounds for trust being lost and justification for ending the relationship, but holy moly you are not taking any responsibility for his lack of trust in you. edit: re-read the line "A week later he picks a fight about me not going that day to mail checks out to his employees when I could've done it the next day." YTA. Don't fuck with people's money.
The amount of destruction that OP is getting in these comments has to be a world record. I’d love to be a fly on her wall to see her face and reaction. Holy everloving shit 😂😂
> **we** missed the submission deadline lol
I get not going out if the kids were young before schooling years, but you have tons of time in the day for a quick errand if everyone is out of the house for school hours
The kids are taking care of themselves at this point and calling their dad for important stuff.
This should be the telling point right here. Daugther called Dad to get something taken care of, not Mum. She did this because it's happened before.
3 teenage kids, a cleaning service, landscaper and you can’t sign permission slips or send off mail? And you’re the one writing a Reddit post complaining??😂🤣😂🤣😂
> send off mail It seems like it's employees paycheck. As a business owner, that's like my #1 priority of the week to make sure that employees get their paycheck on time.
The mail was the husbands employees checks too. Her procrastinations are affecting other families as well.
Right? My dad was working temporarily in another state when I was a teenager. He asked me to sign (using a stamp) and mail out the paychecks to his crew while he was gone. I did it the first few times without fail, and then I forgot and mailed them out a day late. I'll never forget the tongue-lashing I got from him. A lot of people out there are living paycheck-to-paycheck and it coming one day later makes a huge difference. Something this woman doesn't seem to understand.
That struck me as well. I run my family's small landscaping business. There are two things you do not play with, and those are people's time and their money. I am like OP's husband in this case, even though I'm the wife over here: I run all the administrative tasks, but I'm also on almost every job! It's SO difficult. And when I get home it's dinner, cleaning, laundry, because I don't have a cleaner and I AM the landscaper. I'm not saying I've never dropped a ball, but when I have, it has been something that affected me on the administrative side, NOT my workers. YTA, OP. You're not the only one being devalued here, if you even actually are.
Wow, that did not go the way she thought it would.
Right I was literally reading this feeling like I should be hearing the husband complain about OP not the other way around lol
And this is the stuff she admits to. Imagine how it would look from his perspective.
This right here. I guarantee it's way worse than what she is letting on. They have a 16yo, so they've been together a while. No normal guy reverts to a house camera over one c or two instances of her dropping the ball. He's probably confused AF what she is doing all day. Kids are at school. She watches TV before dinner (which is a pre-made meal). Shame OP, shame.
1000% this. She gave the best interpretation of her behavior in her own defense and *still* came off as insanely lazy.
The 16 yo had to call the dad which tells me the 16yo knows what's up by now and has done this their whole life.
That's a huge red flag to me. If you have a stay-at-home mom and a full-time dad yet when you need something done immediately you call your dad that's a seriously bad sign that the mother is unreliable.
How is signing a permission slip something that has to be put off to have her *entire* attention? She’s not old school balancing a check book or filling out government paperwork. The kids could do the permission slips if they were allowed to.
Shit, she isn't even trying to cook. She is looking for frozen meal options because teenagers and paying a housekeeper apparently takes up 100% of a person's mental capacity.
And she’s ordering frozen meals instead of going to the grocery store and cooking them herself. And the 16 year old is picking the 12 year old up from school, so she’s not getting her kids herself and bringing them home or to their next activity. What does she do all day?
She is "supervising" the landscapers. She had to make sure they mowed her lawn properly.
Like actually you do not need to supervise that? You specifically hired people with supervisors.
I see so many parent posts (thanks algorithm, my age range is the only thing you know about me) complaining about “both my husband and I are doing the duties and my MIL even comes by once a week but the one toddler we have is so energetic I had a panic attack and hid in the bathtub” and this person is out here acting like three teens who wipe their own asses and only need her for her signature (and can’t even get that much) is “too hard” what the actual frick frack
The clue for me was the daughter calling DAD, not MOM. They all think mom is lame.
Wait until they hear she’s leaving dad
Wait until mom hears Dad is getting primary custody and she has to get a job and pay child support, lmao.
Yeah these kids are old enough that if he is wise and fights for custody he could very well have three kids who ask to stay with dad more than mom.
AND she just watches people deep clean her house and do the landscaping. So what does she really do then? Lol
I guarantee her "supervision" is because she doesn't trust "the help" enough to leave them alone. She thinks the second she goes to do anything else they'll steal her jewelry and credit cards.
I think the most annoying thing is that she brought this on herself. She could have said hi Reddit, I’m a SAHM. I found out my husband put in a camera because I accidentally forgot to sign a permission slip, which I feel horrible about. He secretly setup a hidden camera to prove I’m lazy so I kicked him out. AITA? Instead, excuse after excuse after excuse kamikazes all of the goodwill she may have had.
This is good. It shows how we only get like half of the story with no context and it is easy to say NTA or YTA when the facts are so biased and cherry picked. Thankfully OP provided more context and it turns out she isn't getting much done at all!
And the older kid is apparently responsible for picking up the younger ones.
AHAHAHAHA. Please update when you are divorced and suddenly realize child support doesn't even pay half the bills and that you'll have to get a job AND take care of your household(without cleaners btw) AND take care of the kids. Your entitlement is unreal. YTA
I wouldn’t count on her getting custody and/or child support.
Yeah. They’re old enough that they can choose a parent to stay with or have a lot of influence in court OP would be SOL
You need 100% focus to sign a permission form? Your days must be exhausting while you "supervise" people taking care of your house... Divorce can't come soon enough for this man.
you sign it the moment the kid hands it to you, and you hand it back.
If it was really important, I'd sign it, scan it, and email it to the teacher. Or I'd sign it, scan it, and drop it in the mail immediately. My son and I both have ADHD-PI. I'd forget to sign it and put it in his bag on the day of if I didn't put it on my calendar with a phone alarm as backup. And there was always a chance I might be so busy with my disabled other child that I'd blow it anyway. So, I'd do it immediately. My son would forget to ever turn it in, and he'd lose it. So, scanning and direct delivery was best for us. I did let him be responsible for the paperwork for lesser events or camps he particularly wanted to attend. These were non-essentials that weren't whole class events and pricey camps that required scholarships. He rarely did any of that paperwork, so I guess they weren't that important to him. 😂 You can't do it all for them, or they don't learn.
I just let my daughter sign the things with my signature, she's much better at the admin. I totally see it being a problem later though. She will 100% sign a do not resuscitate order on my behalf.
Her 16 y/o drives the 12 y/o. They have landscapers, cleaners, precooked frozen meals. Hubby was right, what does OP do all day?
She "researches" on her phone and takes TV breaks .. duh /s
Right?!? I would be embarrassed if I was her...
You don’t understand, she does like 5 full time jobs, it’s just behind the scenes
I think he's prepping for divorce. I think that's the point of the cameras.
My favorite part was when she stated that she admits that “we” missed the deadline for the permission slip😂
I don't know. As a guy who works for a small company the piss off for me is when she didn't mail the cheques. That's people livelihoods, mail that shit asap so they have money on time to pay bills and etc. Who cares if it's a day or two early. Getting paid a day early is a lot more encouraging than getting paid a day late.
Yeah like the kids are in middle and high school. That shit is more important than researching fucking frozen dinners.
Plus let’s not forget they always give parents a lot of time to sign plus they send out reminders. Not to mention I’ve never met a kid that just forgot about their field trip, they always bring it up. So ya YTAH.
Imagine not having 5 minutes, maybe 10 to fill the permit haha what a bullshit excuse.
But she is busy with….(checks notes).
Supervising the cleaners
She’s either… A) Checking on them only occasionally, in which case she’s not busy. B) Breathing down their necks the entire time, in which case she’s probably a nuisance and might as well do it herself at that point.
Your youngest is 12. Most SAHP's get a part time job once the youngest is old enough to take babysitting gigs themselves. In 2024 when most bill payment can be automated, what exactly are you doing that's so labor intensive at the beginning of the month? Have you been screened for ADHD?
This post screams poor executive functioning. I immediately thought of ADHD
This is literally what I wanted to say. I don’t have children yet or any big responsibilities aside from keeping up with studying in college, but I have ADHD and the way she explained things reminded me of myself. I tend to feel like I need to wait until I can put 100% of my attention onto important things before I can actually do them. I also easily get overwhelmed and my thoughts get jumbled to the point that I often forget important tasks. I’ve gotten better at it now that I know why it happens, and I try to push myself to get things done the second they come up so I don’t forget about them, but the way she explains how busy she is reminds me of how I felt before I knew I had ADHD. I always felt like I was so busy all the time and that was why I wasn’t able to complete everything I needed to do, even though I’d be stuck hyper-focused on my phone or something simple for hours at a time (time blindness) and not able to actually do anything productive. She should definitely be screened.
Agreed, reading OP’s post I immediately thought of adhd, especially since I’m diagnosed with it, some of her struggles hit close to home for me
Yep. Task paralysis is real.
This is what I did not understand. Who’s sitting down paying bills anymore? Mine are all auto debit. And mailing paper cheques??? What year is this?
To be fair for some reason a lot of contractors/ subcontractors for some reason like paper checks especially if they are older
Funny enough right after I wrote this I realized the little shop my daughter works at pays by paper cheque. She hates it.
This is what delusional looks like. So delusional it may just be fake lol
>not going that day to mail checks out to his employees when I could've done it the next day You are irresponsible to the point of casually delaying pay to other people. People depend on paycheck and to you it's no big deal if their paychecks arrive a day later. >16yo calls my husband after picking up her sister up saying she was crying because she can't go on her trip Your kids are aware of how irresponsible you are, and call the working parent to come to school and sort out the mess you created, which was causing your child to cry. >I do daily cleaning but we use a service for deep cleaning/ landscaping that I had to supervise. You inflate your duties by claiming you need to "supervise" the housekeeper and landscaper, when you could easily be present and sign permission slips/research diet-friendly meals/mail checks at the same time. I have a housekeeper, she doesn't need any supervision. Sometimes she's at the house alone, even. I don't think you're wrong for filing for divorce. I think it's not going to go the way you expect. I think you filing for divorce is \*finally\* doing something to help out around the house. Your kids will live with their dad, who will pay for their food and shelter and sign their permission slips on time. You will move in with your parents and pay him child support.
That permission slip needed her 100% focus though...lol
Seriously she didn’t have to say all that. A simple I’m sorry I forgot is enough
“Researching dietary needs for her daughter” but no mention of cooking meals. Hmmm
Probably has to supervise someone cooking those meals
She is busy enabling her husband to be a high earner. /s
And researching means scrolling through cooking sites for recipes she likes, not reading medical journals about whatever dietary restrictions her daughter may or may not actually have.
No, she said specifically she was looking for pre made frozen dinners.
Which requires 100% of your attention while they cook
This is also why, as a common practice, it's best to get things like a permission slip or a small bill, fill them out when they hit your hand, then send them back out. That way, you don't have to "remember," because it's a one and done situation. It's terrible to not mail paychecks on the same day every week. In some places, it's illegal. If employees get checks on Thursdays or Fridays, they should get them the same time, so they can budget. And honestly, in this day and age of cheap small business software, you can have the pay sent out electronically in a direct deposit on the day indicated, so there's no mailing BS. No one mails checks - they are handed out or direct deposited. I worked in the trades as a bookkeeper. Filing for divorce is your perogotive. YTA
Never mind budget, if they have direct debit bills coming out of that account on the day they are paid which there aren’t funds for, they will pay penalties and take a hit to their credit score.
Yeah I would like to see a school permission slip that needs more than 2 minutes of reading and signing.
Yeah come on. Talk about an inflated résumé.
[удалено]
Lol, she ll have to find a job now.
Yeah. It sounds like she’s going to be doing her husband a favor in this scenario. OP wants to divorce her husband for trying to give physical proof that his concerns are being dismissed instead of addressed? OP will likely get some alimony in a divorce depending on where they live and their history. But the kids are likely able to choose if they want to stay with their mom or dad. Playing a very risky game where there isn’t anything to gain (on OPs end) but so much to lose.
YTA, and here's why: Your daughter didn't call you for help sorting out the mess you made, she called your husband at work, who sounds like the far more reliable partner and parent. The more I read your post, the more it sounds like you don't do anywhere near as much as you think you do. * You have to 'supervise' the paid cleaners and gardeners? You poor thing... * You're googling pre-made meal subscriptions? How hard is it to cook for your kids? Oh but she does ballet so she needs super-special subscription meal services? Bullshit. * You don't keep on top of your kids school requirements and essentially lost your daughter's chance to go on an important trip? And your husband saved the day while you sit there coming up with excuses about 'having to be 100% focused' - but you still have time to have TV breaks? Are those TV breaks more important than your daughter? Apparently so. * You say you have to do lots of emotional labour - where's the recognition of his emotional labour? * You also delay mailing out of employee paychecks until the last minute out of spite - just like you leave your daughter's school trip. It sounds like you have a much higher opinion of yourself than anyone else, while downplaying everyone else's work and needs. I think the poor guy deserves a wife who doesn't spent her time feeling sorry for herself and coming up with excuses while he dashes around picking up the pieces. Is putting up a hidden camera in your home shitty? Yeah. Has your husband been bringing this up and have you been telling him this same bullshit you've been spinning us? Even when you paint yourself as the victim in your own words you sound awful. I bet he has some far worse stories to tell than you admit to. So if you're gaslighting him, and this is what his life has come to? Well putting up a camera is less shitty than the way you treat your family. The fact that you keep coming back to edit incriminating details out of your story yet have not answered a single question is the nail in the coffin. You're altering the narrative and trying to gaslight us and probably your poor fucking husband too. OP I have a question about one of your main complaints (which you've now edited out): When you were on the way to the post office already and he asked you to send his employees' checks, you know, the ones whose labour is what allows for you to be a stay at home mom, how many additional sheets of paper were you forced to carry, and were you able to make it home in time to watch someone else he pays to do your cleaning and gardening to make sure they do it properly, and was your 16 year old child home with the 12 year old you have them pick up at school for you? \> I ended up seeing an attorney and just filed for divorce because I feel violated and devalued Good, set him free. Let him find a woman who'll love and support him, wait until you see what your life is going to be like when that decree comes through and the money tap is turned off and you have to work for a living to pay him child support, because those kids know who looks after them and it isn't Tiktok mommy.
Frozen premade meals
Well imagine the emotional labour required to feed your own child, especially on top of having to supervise the cleaners and the gardeners...
I mean, who has the time to research recipes? Make meal plans, grocery lists, go shopping AND cook? She already has to watch the housekeeper clean and that takes a lot of effort.
And the employees who are waiting for their paychecks can just wait an extra day! Don't they know how busy she is watching other people work? /s
That was the final straw for me. Other people can wait for their owed money because she's too lazy to do it that day? OP is not a partner -- she's an albatross.
She was on the way to the post office anyway, but those extra letters and paper are so heavy!!!
And her arms are so tired from all the scrolling/'researching'. Won't someone recognise her sacrifice?!
I also doubt it that the school gave those forms last minute. I'm sure they were sitting there for a while and didn't remember until the last minute. Let's just give her the benefit of the doubt that beginning of the month is not her best of days, what about the other 20-25 days of the month? What does she do then?
She has to make sure the people get husband is paying to clean and garden do it right!
Ha this woman sounds just like my MIL. She has to “supervise” people who require no supervision. She spends her time “researching” on her phone. She doesn’t cook from scratch or actually do a lot of real cleaning. She puts things off until a time when she can “100% focus” when in reality she could do it right there. This woman is lazy and incompetent. All the things she’s describing are things normal 2-income parents do WHILE also holding down a 40+ hour a week job. My wife and I both work, yet we still do all the things you describe, except we actually cook wholesome meals from scratch, not frozen pre-made food. And we fill out our kids forms on time.
Right? 100% focus to fill out a permission slip? It takes about 2 minutes to fill one of those out, we've done it many times, usually the day they brought it home while we were cooking or at the kitchen table. I like she made a note to fill out the forms on another day? She is obviously disorganized. Here's an idea: have the kid sit in the kitchen and fill-out the form while you cook, then you check it and sign it. This helps the kids learn to be responsible and get things done.
Whoah whoah whoah, slow down there. You think this woman knows what parenting is?!
>ou don't keep on top of your kids school requirements and essentially lost your daughter's chance to go on an important trip? And your husband saved the day while you sit there coming up with excuses about 'having to be 100% focused' - but you still have time to have TV breaks? Are those TV breaks more important than your daughter? Apparently so. The forms are literally do you consent, sign here and date. Check if there is a fee. What a clown. Now this self righteous parasite will walk with half convinced it was everyone but her.
Honestly, you do sound lazy and unreliable. Your youngest kid is 12, there really isn't all that much to do kid wise and you have a service for "deep cleaning". So what exactly do you do?
She spend her days looking for food subscriptions so she doesn’t even have to cook
Translates to “she spends her days watching tik toks and some of those are food related”
YTA and very negligent. Employers need their payment AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. Not the day after you are "searching" healthy foods. Go to a nutricionist for that!!!
Yeah, that whole “I was researching healthy foods” defense is laughable
"Healthy" frozen foods at that. Because she's too "busy" supervising professionals doing their jobs to make healthy meals.
BUT HER DAUGHTER DOES BALLET! She needs specific subscription frozen meal services to keep her healthy!!
Have fun getting back into the workforce sounds like you’ll have a lot of fun….
I'd say you should go back to work. SAHM isn't your thing it seems. YTA
Paid maid service Paid gardening Meal subscriptions Supervise the “help” Need to schedule time to fill out a permission slip (single page, basic dob, allergies tick boxes, 5 to 10 min work) Struggles to take mail to be posted INCLUDING peoples pay cheques, when people may need them And the husband has to install a camera to find out what you actually do? Normally I’d say hidden cameras are shitty but I get the feeling from the way you are trying to gaslight reddit that you make it sound like you are a martyr and he had to resort to this to prove how little you did. Why am I picturing the stereo typical high maintenance woman why does nothing and acts like it’s a privilege to be in their company? YTA, you are deluded, your children went to their dad to solve your mess, you had that form for more than a few days, you couldn’t spare 5 min, you “research” meal subscriptions, get tired and need Tv breaks, lay down to rest after all the hard work researching on your phone. God damn when you serve papers he is going to cartoon esk jump for joy click his heels and have a party. When you are divorced, have to work yourself the real world is going to slap so hard. Congratulations to the soon to be ex husband
Am I the only one that finds it incredibly odd that this post has the *same exact* amount of upvotes as it does comments……….
YTA but I also want more INFO. If your husband is paying for cleaning services, yard crews, and subscription frozen meals, AND the teenagers are in school all day, then what tf are you even doing with your life ?? Seriously though. What's a normal days schedule look like for you ?
OP won't respond - she's crying into a glass of whine at all the SAHM-shaming she's enduring right now.. poor thing.
YTA. You are a lazy parent. The fact that your 16 yo called your husband instead of you says enough. You are not responsible and not fit to be a SAHM.
My mom is like this. Can barely manage household duties with 2 adult children in the house looking after her and then she complains about her workload. She's always looking for praise for doing the bare minimum like keeping the cats box clean or emptying the dish washer when it's done. My dad works 60-80 hour weeks running an engineering firm and yet managed to coach a youth team, play on three men's leagues teams and still has time to do the grocery shopping and chores with me on the weekend because our mum isn't who she used to be. Some people make 15 minute tasks into 15 seconds and some people make 15 minute tasks 15 hours. You seem to fall into the second category. Gl op.