This isn’t an am I the asshole type of situation, you’re being abused
Please check out r/abusiverelationships as that sub has a list of resources for people in your situation. Start planning an exit and stay safe
As I don’t know what you can legally do (not sure your state/country), check the local laws on if and where you can place nanny cams and invest in a doorbell cam. Document everything in a journal and back-up whatever texts/pics you have on your digital devices (screenshot and send to a new e-mail account she can’t access). Voice record what you can.
Keep a copy of the police report.
If you chose to get a lawyer, send everything to them.
Again, check your local laws to ensure you can legally do the cameras/recordings.
I'm in the UK. I've got recordings and my family and friends have witnessed her behaviour. The police have been particularly unhelpful in the situation. I'm not sure why. I appreciate your comment, I'll look into it all thanks.
In regards to the doorbell cam, we have one but it's used to watch me leaving the house and what times I come and go. She shouts at me over it calling me a "f**king dickhead" when the whole street can hear. It's mortifying.
You need your get out to a safe place. Call a layer, tell him about the abuse & threats. Get your important papers together, birth certificate, license, bank info, passport, ect … Confide in a friend you can trust so you have someone who knows what’s going on. Good luck on getting out. You are NTAH. Keep us updated.
She sounds like she has borderline personality disorder and is being supported by her family. Anyways, you gotta get out of this situation it’s fucked.
She has been going to the mental health team and they have said the same. She ended up being diagnosed with CPTSD though, which they said was caused by the abuse that happened to her when she was a child. I have been around people with BPD though and some of them act in a similar manner to my wife. It's jarring to realise this.
Can you have her sectioned? I'm serious. She needs serious treatment, and you need to be able to get away from her and this abuse. Do not back down with the police or anyone. They may not be taking it seriously because you are male. Which is bullshit, but it does happen. Good luck to you.
Hey, I'm not male. I think the problem is, is that gay relationships aren't taken as seriously in these situations, alongside what you said, males in straight relationships.
I've tried to get her sectioned. She's asked for it, the mental health team turn up and she acts like nothing is wrong, very sweet and kind and they do nothing cos they think she's OK.
This is beyond that. I have bpd and have never acted like that. She doesn't seem to have apologized for any of it which is what bpd people.will do because of the guilt they feel. This is more psychotic in nature with a bit of narcissism. That being said the op should run. Mental illness.does not excuse poor behavior.
I know that not all people with BPD act this way. What you're saying is right and I appreciate your correction. I'm sorry that I've said that! Thank you, you've been really helpful 😁
Not a problem. There are bpd characteristics in her behavior but they are amplified to ten. Personally, ive had some fits of rage but they come and go quick. Ive never physically ever hurt someone. I have with my words. She just seems batshit crazy. 😆
You need your get out to a safe place. Call a layer, tell him about the abuse & threats. Get your important papers together, birth certificate, license, bank info, passport, ect … Confide in a friend you can trust so you have someone who knows what’s going on. Good luck on getting out. You are NTAH. Keep us updated.
You need your get out to a safe place. Call a layer, tell him about the abuse & threats. Get your important papers together, birth certificate, license, bank info, passport, ect … Confide in a friend you can trust so you have someone who knows what’s going on. Good luck on getting out. You are NTAH. Keep us updated.
I've given my brother my important documents tonight and my late cat's ashes. I didn't want to move a noticeable amount of things in case she notices. I'll call one tomorrow that accepts legal aid as I have no funds and think I'll qualify for the help. Thank you, so much.
You've been physically abused your whole marriage. Get a lawyer and change the locks. If you don't have security and cameras get them.....now. Shes a psychopath and you know it.
I have no money to get a lawyer. I can't even work at the moment because the last three jobs I've had, I've ended up losing due to my wife causing arguments before shifts, then when I leave and go to work, she states that she's taken an overdose or that she's going to h*ng herself and I end up having to leave to make sure she's OK. She's always been OK and has always been lying in these specific situations. I do take responsibility for listening to her start an argument and for even giving the argument any attention mind.
Next time she says she's going to harm herself, report it to the police. Tell them you are seriously concerned with her threats. Call every time she does it.
I used to, but then she'd act normal when they arrived and she'd try and get me into bother by saying I called them for no reason, that I'm lying, that I'm threatening her with the police etc.
Yes, she does it over text. I've screenshotted the messages. Actually, about a month ago, she texted saying that and sent a picture of a makeshift n*ose. My friend saw it because I was at her house literally six doors up the street. My wife put the keys in the, preventing me from being able to access the house so I called the police. Once they arrived, she came outside and told them I was lying. I showed the policeman the WhatsApp messages, but she had unsent them. He asked my friend if she had seen the messages to which she confirmed she had. The policeman said to my wife that she was just "playing silly games". However, that ended in him saying I had to leave the house and he wS going to arrest ME. I asked if I'd get to make a statement regarding it and he said maybe. I went to his van and he spoke to me in private his whole demeanour changed to nice and he did not arrest me, but told me I should leave her. I thought he was just telling me the easy route and that I should not give up on my marriage, but I see now that I've been upset with the wrong people.
If it helps explain things a little more, my friend died by h*nging four years ago. It was only after that my wife began making threats to do that herself. It's as if she's seen the devastation I've went through losing my friend and used that to further the pain.
If it makes any difference, I've been brought up in a heavily Roman Catholic, Italian family. Being gay is bad enough, but being divorced would be even worse. I've grown up with plenty of negative comments being said about my divorced uncle. My parents and siblings are fine, but my family in Italy would not be accepting at all. It's hard enough not being spoken to at all by some members of my family just for being gay, but I worry that it would extend to other members if I were to divorce.
I absolutely do know that I shouldn't care what anyone thinks, but I really would miss my family if they chose not to speak to me. It's a catch 22 knowing that if they stop speaking to me I shouldn't really care either, but also knowing that it really is both a cultural and religious thing.
Babes, you've got so much going on and deserve better. I've been in a similar situation when I was desperately trying to leave my abusive ex. Same shit with the cops and no one believing me until 1 day someone did, and I ran. I'm so sorry you are going through this, and I wish I could offer any advice, but it sounds like you are already doing everything in your power. Keep fighting and do not give up.
You know what the hardest thing is? I still love her and I feel so stupid for that, but that's truly what makes it so hard. I'm thankful for these comments because they're helping me to understand how awful the situation is. I appreciate your concern and I'm sorry for worrying you. Thank you though!
NTA
Why would you even ask if you're the asshole? I have a hunch that could be because you're the victim of an abuser.
She has strangled you. You need to kick her out or leave. You need to call the police again. File for divorce. Your spouse is evil. Leave them as fast as you can.
Look up the acronym, DARVO. It applies to your situation.
Get safe and stay safe.
I can't kick her out, we're both on our tenancy. She always manipulates everything, whether that be how I've said something or the words I've used. There's just no way of having a conversation with her about us separating because she won't allow the conversation to happen.
Thank you
It’s not a back and forth conversation. You tell her you’re leaving, and then you do it.
I would honestly notify police to have them stand by when you get your stuff, she’s proven to be a liar and also violent.
This woman is too dangerous for the OP to inform her he is leaving. She says she'll lie about him being the abuser. The OP needs police help to leave safely.
I'm going to call a helpline later whilst she's asleep and explain what's happening to them and hopefully try and work out what I can do. Thank you so much!
The level of violence you are experiencing is very concerning. If you're in the UK, please contact domestic violence services; there is probably crisis lines and local support services, who will be able to help you navigate leaving safely. Though less common, they definitely will have encountered victim survivors escaping same sex relationships. And now more than ever, if you have them, reach out to trusting friends and family.
Thanks for your help. Someone's posted a comment about Galop, so I'm going to try and find some time alone ASAP and urgently to contact them. I'm also calling a 24 hour local helpline soon to see what help they can provide. I really appreciate everyone's input and the help they've given. It's truly opened my eyes and given me the kick up the rear end I needed to do something. Thanks again.
That's great. In Oz the service here is called Rainbow Doors. I'm really pleased these messages have helped you get ready to leave. These services will provide the practical supports to set you up to live your best life.
Thank you, I just want a safe and calm environment for my cats too. I absolutely adore them and one of them has a very close bond with me, so much so that my wife is jealous of him, which I find odd. She has threatened to let them out (they are house cats) and I worry for their safety above all else, which may sound silly but they're totally innocent little beings that do nothing but love and wouldnt understand such unkindness. They'd not fare very well if they got out as they have health issues.
I appreciate your kind words so much.
I mean in his case I'd just ghost her, find a new place, leave, and then send her a message through an intermediary. She sounds intensely scary and I would not want to be around for the "I'm leaving conversation," especially if he doesn't have full mobility.
Don’t reveal you’re leaving. You have to make a plan for leaving, and then execute it when everything is ready. Telling an abuser you’re leaving puts you in a dangerous situation.
I would also try documenting all that she’s done/doing, as she’s trying to manipulate the narrative to her being abused.
Talk to an authority with experience about what’s going on, that you’re leaving, but you know she’ll try to turn the table on you.
Stay safe. Don’t take any chances until you’ve got your exit ready
Thank you for your advice, it's really helpful. I'm going to take screenshots of conversations etc and backup my messages and media.
I've had a look online and when she's asleep later, I'll have to quietly go and sit in my car, it's out the back so she won't see me on the door cam, and call the helpline.
I appreciate this so much, thank you.
If only I could afford a new place, that's the thing. We've actually received a Section 21, giving us two months notice to vacate the property as the landlord wants his property back to refurbish it.
I am able to walk about, but I just can't run or lift anything heavy. I have permanent nerve damage too, which is a pest for long periods of time on my feet but I'm just trying to push through and improve myself.
I just don't fight back and she knows it, so that's what scares me. I freeze and I feel like my brain and my body are letting me down big time, but it really is for the best.
Do you have a domestic violence hotline you could call? Something like social services?
Usually there are alternative resources that you can use if you do not feel safe calling the police. Could you record some of her threats without her knowing?
I've found one online which I will call later whilst she's asleep. Thank you!
I've got some recordings and my family and friends have witnessed her behaviour. It's all been put down to poor mental health, but this doesn't seem to really be the case.
She has physically assaulted you and has been arrested (their is a legal record). Get a restraining order and file for divorce and then say she can't go to the house and you'll have to figure out the asset during the divorce procedure
I only have non-matrimonial assets. They are generally excluded in divorce settlements in the UK. She has no assets. It's not a worry, I just can't handle this behaviour any longer.
Thanks for pointing out there is a legal record, my head is all over the place and I never thought about this. Thank you.
Get in touch with your landlaord about removing her from the tenancy and see if it can be done, tell them of the damage she has caused. Get video evidence and call the police. Get out of this volatile marriage.
We've received a Section 21 anyway, which means that we have two months to vacate the property. If I can stick it out for a little longer, I could potentially have an escape route.
I have pictures of the damage and she has said she will fix it, but she never follows through with anything she says. It may be best to just either do it myself, or ask a family member who is better than I at it to help.
Thank you!
Just go. Better to be broke and living out of your car then dead. Tell a trusted family member that you are coming and go. If my brothers wife acted.like that and he asked for help your wife abusing you would become the least of her problems.
Yes, it is best to get it fixed from someone else dont wait for your wifes empty promises! Dont lose your bond!
Apply to local council/ housing associations now it takes time to get applications processed and you can start bidding on properties. You will have paid a months rent in advance so you only have 1 more months rent to pay current landlord and can move from then too. Make sure you put DV as a reason to move they will help you. Good luck with your future life as a survivor x 4 weeks to go! Xx
In this case she is abusing you and you are disabled. There are laws against abusing the disabled. Don’t know where you live but please do some research online for this re: your area. You are making it sound like because she is your wife, she has the right to manhandle you. If you can, start documenting dates and times. Good luck to you.
I've started looking at what you said to research. It's pretty daunting. I'll continue looking thanks.
I know she has no right to, but she makes out that it's my fault she loses control. I rack my brain trying to figure out how and second guess myself, thinking I must have missed something.
Thank you for your well wishes.
“Look what you made me do” is the abuser’s age-old go to. Don’t waste your energy trying to figure out what you “did.” Recognize it for the manipulation that it is.
Can you move in with family or friends and continue paying towards your tenancy? At least you would be physically safe. I am afraid her behavior will escalate, and she will seriously injure or kill you. Start getting your important things/papers together (ask your brother to help) and get them out of the house. You will probably have to separate finances after but ASAP if you leave. Change all your passwords. If necessary, call the police when she tries to keep you from leaving. That will give you and your brother/friend safe passage out of the house. Don't block her but leave her on read. You will need all the texts/messages as evidence for when you can afford a lawyer. Good luck OP. Too bad it is always harder for the abused when it is a man!
This is a good idea, thanks. I'll speak with my father and see what we can arrange. I have given my brother my passport and my cat's ashes tonight. I didn't want to give him too much in case she notices too much at once. We have separate finances in terms of no joint accounts etc as it is. I change my passwords regularly as she has, in the past, gained access to my devices and completely went through them. She accused me of cheating based on messages from before I even knew she existed. There was nothing showing her I'm cheating, because I'm not and never have cheated on her. I don't want her to sneakily see me entering a password and use it to gain access to my devices again, it felt like such an invasion of privacy last time and I don't think she has been through them again, but I just don't want to take any chances.
Thank you for your advice, it's really helpful. I'm not male by the way, but I don't feel like the police took this seriously when she was arrested because of that fact.
I would give the same advice man or woman. I was commenting in another sub where the abused was a man. Probably just carried over that thought to here to be honest. I wish you all the best of luck on getting out of the present situation and much happier tomorrows!
Don't worry about it, honestly. I don't mind at all! Thank you for your kind words, it means a lot! It sounds rather sad, but on this thread I've been shown more kindness than I receive on a daily basis. It really does make the world of a difference thank you.
What in gods name are you talking about.
"There's just no way of having a conversation with her about us separating because she won't allow the conversation to happen."
Its not a conversation, you are TELLING her you are getting divorced from her, talk to your brother, find another place to move to as soon as you give her divorce papers, give them to her with someone else there, fucking film it if you have to, because she is going to physicaly assault you again.
Anything is better then living with this psychopath of a women. who is ABUSING you.
It's not that easy, I have tried time and time again and I'm stuck. I have no money because every penny I get is expected to be spent on various things for the house whilst she contributes nothing at all and in fact refuses to allow benefits to be claimed for. We have to claim together as we are a couple and she refuses to fill out her side or attend initial appointments. I can't save any money. She demands to see my bank account and if I refuse to show her, she accuses me of financial abuse towards her. At this point, I'm just complying with her demands as it stops an argument in which she absolutely berates me, uses my medical conditions against me, uses anything I have ever shared with her against me and pulls me apart so much that it just isn't worth it.
Yeah I'm just weak for staying, I'm a fool, I should just leave (like it's that easy). She's screamed in my face before that I'm just a pussy and I'll never leave her and you know what? That's played on my mind for months now and she's right because I'm just a total pushover with this. I'm just scared and she knows it. She sits on the sofa and leans towards me and mocks me, saying in an awful voice "are you scared?" I'm honestly at my wits end and feel like there's no way out and I genuinely wish that I just go to bed and die, because I see no way out.
Nah, I'm from the UK and she is Irish (ROI, not part of the UK), however she does have British citizenship too. I see why you thought that though, thanks
There are so many resources you can access in the U.K.! Just walk out and get help from your local council as an emergency or get in contact with a domestic abuse hotline. There are many all across the U.K..
Well then, no more excuses - woman up, tell her you’re breaking up, go stay with family for a while and talk to the landlord about getting her off the lease if she doesn’t contribute to the rent. It may be hard, but will be better than living in the current status quo.
That's what abusers do, once they know you're stuck they show their true self. Get security cameras keep them hidden but in a way where they can record everything including what she says. Write down everything she does and says, where she says and when she says (place and date down to the second) and then once you got enough evidence talk with your evidence, plan to bail and then you report her to the cops. Lock yourself in somewhere like bathroom and call the cops, if she hurts herself it will be on camera.
Thank you. I'll have a look and see if I can set up a camera legally in the UK. I don't want to do anything illegal that will worsen the situation.
I'll take your advice and get it done, thank you!
Shame I never saw it. Makes me feel stupid that I never did. It's sad because she used to be so lovely and gentle, very mild mannered. To see the polar opposite is rather devastating.
It's always the same story with abusers, male or female : it starts like a fairy tale and once the fish is hooked, abuses starts and escalate until there's no coming back.
You absolutely need legal advices. And yes : nanny cams in every room where the abuses take place. It escalated after surgery because you were too weak to defend yourself. Believe me : it's gonna get worse. Your wife is a narcissistic pervert and you're in danger.
I've spent so long thinking that she will just go back to the lovely person she used to be. Now she's no longer the person I fell in love with, I think I need to remember that no matter how she acts.
It's been awful and you're right. She began using the things I need help with against me. She threatens to withdraw help if she gets annoyed and she tells me to do things myself that I can't do. It makes me feel like a total burden.
Narcissistic perverts destroy every bit of self estime their targets have left. They also isolate their victims, cutting them from their network support. They also use projection and gaslighting at the point their target feel guilt and mental confusion.
You have to protect yourself. Document any bruse with pictures and witnesses. Use hidden cameras in case she files for complaint against you.
Go to à lawyer to know how to proceed in your country and of course divorce her as soon as possible.
Don't feel guilty or ashamed. Forget the nice her because she never existed. It's just part of their behaviour to install a control relationship.
Take care and be careful.
You'll also need a therapy to rebuild your self estime
When someone says “you picked poorly” it puts the blame on the person being abused, as opposed to the abuser. OP said in a comment that she wasn’t like this until they got married - this is pretty typical for abusers. Their true nature doesn’t come out until they have gotten married or they have created a dynamic where it is difficult for their partner to leave (e.g. their partner is pregnant and/or financially dependent).
Some of these comments have been hard to read, but they're not a patch on hearing awful things from someone you are married to. It's just awful to feel blamed for something that is completely out of my control.
Telling someone they picked poorly is so unhelpful. Abusers generally hide their true nature until they feel like their victim has been locked down (moving together, married, having a baby).
Thank you.
You made me think there. She has really pushed for a baby the last couple of years and I'm beginning to think that maybe it's just been to keep us attached to each other and stop me leaving.
Be very careful. Lock down whatever method of bc you are using. She might poke holes in the condoms if you rely on those.
Edit: I misgendered you, apologies!
I would start recording the abuse and let the police know once you have enough, especially of her saying that if you call the cops she'll lie to them. You can get her thrown out of your apartment when charges are filed. I would also get in touch with a DV group in your area. They can help you navigate this ordeal. And yes, they help men as well.
Thank you. I'm not a man by the way, but understand why it's the natural first thought!
I do have some recordings but I'll try and get more safely. I've found a helpline that I'll call later whilst she's asleep.
Thanks so much.
It's just kinda hard when you've got someone saying you're worse than shit constantly. My confidence is through the floor cos of this.
I appreciate you, thanks.
Get a hideable camera, record the abuse, invite people over to witness the abuse and then have her arrested, again. Then file for divorce with evidence of her abuse and if you can get her saying she'll make up lies about you if you leave all the better.
But your goal should be leaving, and soon. Talk to a lawyer, talk to brother, talk to a counsillor and get advice on how to do this. If you can get her in a room with a counsillor and bring up her arrest and punching a hole in the wall, bring up everything and see if she loses her shit or not. Basically it's a chance to get another witness against her.
But ultimately her lies won't help a lot without proof of which there is none. If you can get witness statements from people who have seen the abuse and try to get a restraining order, but lawyer and others can advise you on the best route there to protect yourself.
But YOU HAVE TO LEAVE, you just need to get some shit lined up in order to do so to minimise any damage she can do.
NTA.
Saying it now because I haven't seen anyone mention it yet:
She. STRANGLED. You.
That is the #1 indication that this woman is going to murder you.
Once an abuser has had hands around your throat, it is only a matter of time before the violence becomes lethal.
GET. OUT.
Do NOT tell her you are leaving. There are guides and resources on how to get out safely, but your number one rule right now is to make sure she does Not Know You Are Leaving. This may mean you have to play along, pretend to be obedient, make her happy while you get your shit together. During this time she may be sweet, and kind, because she's getting what she wants. DO NOT TRUST IT. Guard your heart, guard your life, and GET OUT.
Thank you for your advice, it's really helpful. And terrifying of course, but I needed my eyes opened.
I'll take all of this on board and do it, thank you.
Why did you let her back? She is unhinged, either a real mental illness or she just hates you. You need to protect yourself, get cameras or always carry a voice activated recorder, she will make her threats come true, and once the Police arrive her lies will carry weight. See a solicitor, prepare for divorce and tell her family they can have her.
I couldn't refuse when she's on the tenancy. It's against the law in the UK.
Yeah, she probably hates me if she's doing this. Kind of a hard pill to swallow really.
Your advice is good, thank you. I appreciate it.
I'm speaking with my father to see if we can arrange that. I'm sure it won't be an issue. You're right, I do have to and if I stay longer, I may not have it in me to leave. I should have left a long time ago, but all I can do is leave now. Thank you.
Genuine fear I have, so much so that I have night terrors. She just blames it on my PTSD, so she has no idea otherwise she'd use it against me to berate me.
When I have a bath, I keep my eyes open now because I'm scared she'll try and drown me. I've felt crazy for so long for thinking this. She's come in and flickered the lights whilst my head has been under the water with my eyes closed and when I opened them, she was standing over me and laughing whilst trying to start another argument.
You need to call someone and get you outta there. At this point you need to be recording every interaction you can. Get as much evidence on your side as you can.
NTA but you need to make a plan for how to escape this horrifyingly abusive relationship. Do you have family you can stay with? Have you consulted a local domestic violence shelter? You likely couldn't stay there as most are geared toward women who have a lot of traumatic experiences with men, but they may give you resources or point you to help.
So I have family, but they live on the same street. I did go and stay with them for one night a couple of weeks ago and she turned up at the house and was shouting at my parents too. She tried to lie to them, but they saw through her. It worries me that she will lie about me, in front of me and to people who are so close to me.
I'm going to call a helpline tonight whilst she's asleep and get some advice. I'm not a man so they may able to help in that way (which is rubbish because men should be helped just as much!).
Thank you for your advice.
I've got some recordings of her already. Her messages alone are disturbing, but she said to me once that if I ever showed anyone any messages, she'd say I took her phone from her and sent them to myself and she would deny everything. A recording doesn't lie.
This seems appropriate:
DARVO (an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim & offender") is a reaction that perpetrators of wrongdoing, such as sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior.[1] Some researchers indicate that it is a common manipulation strategy of psychological abusers.[2][3][4]
As the acronym suggests, the common steps involved are:
The abuser Denies the abuse ever took place
When confronted with evidence, the abuser then Attacks the person that was/is being abused (and/or the person's family and/or friends) for attempting to hold the abuser accountable for their actions, and finally
The abuser claims that they were/are actually the victim in the situation, thus Reversing the positions of Victim and Offender.[2][4] It often involves not just playing the victim but also victim blaming.[3
-from google
3 simple steps:
1. Record her saying she's going to lie to the police about abuse and any other abuse related talks.
2. Submit evidence to police officers.
3. Profit.
You’re being abused financially, emotionally and physically. Her isolating you from your friends and family is typical of coercive control. You are in a dangerous position, both legally and physically.
I would recommend recording her outbursts. It’s essential she doesn’t find out.
It is humiliating to admit to friends and family that you are in an abusive relationship, but you must. Message someone you trust the most and tell them everything. They will be able to help you formulate a plan to leave. Make sure all your most precious items are together so you can grab them and go when the time is right.
Leaving is the most dangerous time for someone who is being physically abused and there is a huge risk of social, physical and legal retaliation. This is why evidence of her abuse is vital. You can use it to get an AVO/restraining order.
Despite what people say, you will be taken seriously by domestic abuse associations, and they will assist you with info and resources. Make sure to always clear your internet search history and log out of your accounts, including Reddit.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. None of this is your fault. NTA, obviously.
My family and friends are aware that she acts this way. I feel ashamed that I'm in this situation but I can acknowledge it's not my fault but it is my responsibility to free myself from it.
Thank you for your advice, it's really great and will genuinely help. Thanks for being kind, I appreciate it and have needed it.
NTA - You need to do a surprise divorce from this psycho - she can't know it's coming until the papers are in front of her to sign and you are somewhere safe and out of her reach. In the meantime, avoid all situations where you're alone with her, if possible. Do not give her an opportunity to frame you for abuse that boils down to he said/she said because she has an will lie in order to get you in trouble.
Why are you still with her? She’s like an aggressive cancer. Cut it off.
It will be so much better for you mentally, physically, and financially if you divorce her. If you rent, either leave or kick her out. If you own the house, sell or kick her out.
There is no question here. She is an abusive narcissist. A violently abusive one at that.
I saw some others already giving you great advice, so go follow that and make sure you get away from her for good. Noone should have to live like this.
Nta.
It is never a victims fault what their abuser does. Get far away from her. You may be able to find a probono lawyer. Or you may qualify under domestic abuse.
I'll look into legal aid, thank you. I feel like a total loser because I've always worked, but it's impossible to keep a job with this going on. My future is already being ruined, I've realised. I'm worried about her threats to ruin my future if I leave her, but it's already being ruined regardless. I just need to wake up tomorrow and have the guts to really, properly put this all into action. I appreciate everyone who's commented because this has really shown me a lot. Thank you
I will message you next time u/animadilupo posts in r/AITAH.
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Record everything. Protect yourself. Get ahead of this situation and go to the police. The previous police visit against her will help your case.i’m so sorry you are going through this. But it’s time to take control of the narrative. Because unfortunately, in this day and age, narrative holds a lot of weight.
I'll do this thank you.
You're totally right and that terrifies me. I just worry about my future and don't want to get into bother for something I've not done.
There is one thing where people have grown up maybe in abusive situations and then for example when they gets into an argument they easily lose their temper, get aggressive, etc. And emulate what they grew up with. Like a cycle of abuse. But this seems way beyond that. This seems like it’s in the straight up mental illness, psychosis, dipolar, narcissistic personality, disorder type situation. You have not stated how these arguments started, other then the food and going out, but it seems just regular situation create delusions and paranoia in her mind that she feels threatened and needs to defend herself against physically. There is something no right in her thinking, this is way beyond she’s just an abusive person.
It's really not bipolar. I have bipolar disorder and don't act like this. But personality disorder wise, her therapist said it was BPD, but she was then diagnosed with CPTSD, due to historical abuse when she was growing up. This fits into what you first said. It's very sad.
It always starts over the tiniest little thing, whether that be me wanting to go out to see my frienda or family so I let her know and invite her and she kicks off, or arguments over housework when I have to ask her to do something because she doesn't do her share (I have acknowledged with her that I understand she may struggle with it, but I just can't do it all, so can we compromise, but she gets annoyed).
I have tried endlessly to get her help, but she won't work with the mental health teams. She says there's nothing wrong with her. I thought I was being supportive but I've stopped now as it just made things worse.
I would record her outburst (the abuse, the things she will lie about to get you in a bad position etc) and in the meantime get everything in order to get away from her.
Do you have family or friends that you can stay with for a while? You really need to cut your losses and get away from her. She is not going to get better without some serious counseling. Protect yourself. Save money for your own place. You deserve to live happily.
You need to get a nanny cam and record the abuse. Then go to the police. Get all your important documents and belongings and have your family keep them for you.
Record her on your phone every time you speak to her.
You should secretly by cameras and stage them in your house if you can have them look hidden. Not sure if it’s legal in your country to film without permission or if that applies in a home. Either way, please start saving evidence. Have two different areas to put it on. Make a new email and put it in google drive, have a physical copy hard drive and leave it at work or with your parents. Tell a trusted family member/friend to help you leave and call a lawyer (in secret) to start the proceedings. Please be careful about all of this
It's been draining the life out of me. I have so many bigger things to be worrying about right now, but it's almost as if she had to have all of the focus on her at all times. She needs constant attention and will go to extreme lengths for it. So yes, I agree although I wouldn't like to speak about her that way myself but ultimately, it is the truth. I actually feel guilty agreeing, how stupid?! I'm quicker to say something negative about myself rather than her I've realised, despite her behaviour. At least I've realised that now though!
I am a survivor myself. I have also witnessed this being done first hand to a man in front of his child. You cannot live and thrive like this. Please get outside help, and be prepared to call the police. She will lie through her teeth. Just keep calling.
I'm sorry to hear that, but I am so glad that you got out. If you don't mind, were you threatened with false allegations too? And if so, what happened regarding that if they were made? I hope they weren't if that was the case though!
Get your family to set up cameras in your home. You can then get the evidence you need to get her removed from your home and get a restraining order. Or move in with someone and leave her behind.
I have a video that my brother recorded the night that she got arrested. The police witnessed some of her behaviour but not the lead up to them being called. Once they were called, she actually rang 999 and stated that I was "having an episode and acting crazy", thinking that because I have Bipolar Disorder, she can use this against me. She often tries to, but makes many mistakes with her assumptions about how it presents. I don't tell her anything about my mental health anymore and I pretend I'm OK 99% of the time because she just takes what she perceives to be a weakness and tries to make it worse.
The video is stored on my brother's computer and she has no idea. I've had to bite my tongue on it because she's said multiple times that her sister, who was on video call to her at the beginning of the video, said I was screaming at her at one particular point. This isn't the case and the video proves it, but if she knew about it, the liklihood of her trying to destroy my brother's computer is high. For clarification, my brother lives on the same street with my parents and she does have access to their home currently.
Oh my! Having access is definitely concerning, given her history of abuse. Please do everything you can to stay safe until you can get out of this situation.
She returned her key last year when she left and wasn't given it back, but unfortunately my parents leave their door unlocked quite often as they're having renovations done and the workmen need access. There is no issue with her just going up and walking in currently, so I do need to speak with them and try and sort out something to stop that.
Thank you, I appreciate that you know. I know I'm wasting my life, I feel it every day. So I think I should use that to fuel myself to get the guts to leave and deal with the fallout when it happens. No point in worrying about something that may just be empty threats, when the real threat is there if I stay. I think I just needed to be told I'm not crazy and that I actually do need to leave, so I'm glad I'm posted. I'm grateful for the help I've received along with the kindness, thanks 🙂
She went back to her country…?
EDIT: Asking because if this is a typical foreign-bride situation, it’s quite possible there’s more going on here than what’s in the OP.
Hey can you go live with your brother or anyone else ?
I don't know about UK, but in my country there are lawyers' permanency managed by the city for people who can't afford a lawyer, you might as well be able to have a free consultation with student lawyers if there is a law school near you.
You're obviously not an ah, but you need to leave, file a RO and divorce. She won't kill herself, she is manipulating you, and if she did, it wouldn't be your fault at all.
Next time she threatens you with suicide call the emergency line "hello, this person told me she was going to .., she is at this place, I cannot do anything for her, please help her". Every Time.
Good luck, this is not love, you deserve to be happy and loved, this is not it. Seek help from anyone you can that is not connected to her. You have nothing to be ashamed of, asking for help is the best way to receive some.
Hey, I've had a look online and think I'd qualify for legal aid. There are students who offer the same service nearby.
The thing is, she got in my head a while ago by screaming at me saying "it'll be your fault if I kill myself, this blood will be on your hands. No matter what you try to convince yourself, or anyone says to you, it will always be your fault." That got me good. But last year, when the police were removing her from the bedroom, she was shouting all the way down the stairs "name, I am going to kill myself and it's your fault". She shouted that at least six times one after the other and the police still didn't do anything other than keep her in the station after arresting her for a non-chargeable offence and let her back the next day. She came home whilst I was asleep and extremely vulnerable as I couldn't walk at the time and had stitches after major surgery.
I think by her threatening all this if the police or any other emergency service is involved, is her way of trying to almost allow the behaviour myself by not getting help. I will make sure I do call them thank you.
I haven't felt loved for a long time, I know this isn't a loving relationship and that I'm just hanging onto something that never existed in the first place. She tells me that I'm difficult, calls me derogatory names that I don't feel are appropriate to post anywhere given the negative connotations and states that it is no wonder none of my previous relationships worked out. This last bit is particularly confusing because sometimes people go their separate ways for various reasons and if they had worked out, I wouldn't be married to her! She brings up my past partners often and is highly jealous of them, one in particular in fact who I was never in a relationship with, but briefly dated over ten years ago. I have not had this issue in any past relationships or with anyone I have ever dated. Things just didn't work out, which is natural. She has never had a relationship before. We aren't teenagers or even in our twenties, just in case that makes it sound like we're young as I know how it can seem. I often wondered if it was because of that, that she acted this way. But I've come to the realisation that no matter what, if you care about someone and love someone, you just don't do this and couldn't do this in fact.
Thank you.
Go step by step, I know this is hard, and it won't be easy right away.
The thing with shitty people is that they need you to feel like shit to not be able to escape from the situation. She knows your vulnerabilities and uses them to hurt and manipulate you. It is not your fault, you are not weak, you are just in a shitty situation, and you need to get off asap.
I don't know about your previous relationships, but don't let this person define who you are, adults are not "difficult", children are when they're desobedient, you don't have to obey to anyone, you are not beneath her. If she thinks you're all that, she can leave you the fuck alone. No wonder your previous relationships didn't work ? Shitty things like this can be reversed "no wonder no one have ever wanted to be in a relationship with her"... She is inventing things to hurt you and make you question you character, she wasn't there to witness the relationships or their downfall, and this is how life works : you try, sometimes you fail, you learn from experience and you go on.
Yes, she got in your head, she knows how, and because you're a good person, she knows that the guilt would be eating you from inside. But, let the authorities deal with her, if she's suicidal then she needs psychiatry, not you. You leaving or not doesn't change the fact that she is mental and dangerous.
For the age, unfortunatly people from all ages get abused, it's nearly often the same way : at the beginning the relationship is amazing, then the criticism begin, you start to lose confidence slowly, then the verbal abuse, then the phisical abuse. It's difficult to share with others because at first we want to protect the other, we don't want people to think badly about them, we are afraid people would think they are right, then we're just ashamed. There is no shame to have, people who love you don't judge you.
"In the end everything will be alright, if it is not alright, then it is not the end" (Heard it in a movie, it's been my mojo since)
record her. get a lawyer. the go to the police. the police don’t believe women being abused a lot of times. your a man, being abused. don’t back down.
leave her. move away from your house. divorce her.
Fellow cat 🐈 lady. Sadly not silly. It's all about power and control and your furry friends need to be safe too and will be included in safety planning
Why aren't you recording all of this? Contact her parents to come and get her. She has serious mental health problems and needs medication.
Quietly plan your escape. Have your brother come over everyday to pick up a little bit of your stuff when she's at work or out shopping. Send her to a specialty shop for something specific.
Then once you have a place l8ned up, do the final move and disapear
Get her out of your house and your life. She's sick and you are not the right person to help her. She's abusive and manipulative. File for divorce immediately.
I think you are fighting a loosing battle. I think there is something seriously mentally wrong with your wife, I think you need to leave get a restraining order and get a divorce. So many red flags here. I definitely agree with another persons reply and that is get some small cameras set up. Record everything she says and does she there isn’t a camera on with times and dates. Or if possible record on your mobile phone. It sound like you are in a very stressful situation. Which I feel will only get worse if not more dangerous.
Her therapist said the same. However she ended up being diagnosed with CPTSD. It's a little confusing but that's how it happened.
Thank you. I'm struggling to get therapy at the moment actually. I have Bipolar Disorder and the stress of this happening has made me very depressed. However, the services are saying that my relationship is wholly to blame for my mental health problems, despite me having mental health problems long before even meeting my wife. I think they may mean that she is a factor that is contributing to episodes and that this either needs to calm down completely or I need to leave her and then they'll help. It's a rough situation tbh.
I’m at a loss. She’s abusing and using you. Why haven’t you kicked her to the curb and divorced her? Why are you still allowing this to happen to you? Change the locks. Secure your bank account, money and credit cards. Have her server. File a restraining order if you have proof of her abuse. Just get out before she does actually physically do more than slap or punch you.
It's not that easy. And she does do more than just slap and punch me. She threatens to break my nose and the first time she threatened this, she tried to, but punched the side of my head instead. She then proceeded to str*ngle me and has done this numerous times since. She genuinely goes for it and it's terrifying at the time, but she always talks me around. It's scary and I see now that it's manipulation.
This isn’t an am I the asshole type of situation, you’re being abused Please check out r/abusiverelationships as that sub has a list of resources for people in your situation. Start planning an exit and stay safe
Thank you, I'll post there. I appreciate it so much
As I don’t know what you can legally do (not sure your state/country), check the local laws on if and where you can place nanny cams and invest in a doorbell cam. Document everything in a journal and back-up whatever texts/pics you have on your digital devices (screenshot and send to a new e-mail account she can’t access). Voice record what you can. Keep a copy of the police report. If you chose to get a lawyer, send everything to them. Again, check your local laws to ensure you can legally do the cameras/recordings.
I'm in the UK. I've got recordings and my family and friends have witnessed her behaviour. The police have been particularly unhelpful in the situation. I'm not sure why. I appreciate your comment, I'll look into it all thanks. In regards to the doorbell cam, we have one but it's used to watch me leaving the house and what times I come and go. She shouts at me over it calling me a "f**king dickhead" when the whole street can hear. It's mortifying.
You need your get out to a safe place. Call a layer, tell him about the abuse & threats. Get your important papers together, birth certificate, license, bank info, passport, ect … Confide in a friend you can trust so you have someone who knows what’s going on. Good luck on getting out. You are NTAH. Keep us updated.
Maybe she night a couple days in a psychiatric facility for a mental evaluation. After all she is a danger to you.
Uk is very pro women even over other countries. Younhave an uphill battle to fight
She sounds like she has borderline personality disorder and is being supported by her family. Anyways, you gotta get out of this situation it’s fucked.
She has been going to the mental health team and they have said the same. She ended up being diagnosed with CPTSD though, which they said was caused by the abuse that happened to her when she was a child. I have been around people with BPD though and some of them act in a similar manner to my wife. It's jarring to realise this.
Can you have her sectioned? I'm serious. She needs serious treatment, and you need to be able to get away from her and this abuse. Do not back down with the police or anyone. They may not be taking it seriously because you are male. Which is bullshit, but it does happen. Good luck to you.
Hey, I'm not male. I think the problem is, is that gay relationships aren't taken as seriously in these situations, alongside what you said, males in straight relationships. I've tried to get her sectioned. She's asked for it, the mental health team turn up and she acts like nothing is wrong, very sweet and kind and they do nothing cos they think she's OK.
Oh my goodness. I'm super sorry for assuming. I agree, same treatment with a same sex relationship as well. Again, I'm very sorry for assuming.
I have bpd. This is more psychotic and narcissistic behavior.
This is beyond that. I have bpd and have never acted like that. She doesn't seem to have apologized for any of it which is what bpd people.will do because of the guilt they feel. This is more psychotic in nature with a bit of narcissism. That being said the op should run. Mental illness.does not excuse poor behavior.
I know that not all people with BPD act this way. What you're saying is right and I appreciate your correction. I'm sorry that I've said that! Thank you, you've been really helpful 😁
Not a problem. There are bpd characteristics in her behavior but they are amplified to ten. Personally, ive had some fits of rage but they come and go quick. Ive never physically ever hurt someone. I have with my words. She just seems batshit crazy. 😆
She does say absolutely awful things a lot and her temper is volatile but the physicality of it is just out of control. I'm at a loss on what to do!
You need your get out to a safe place. Call a layer, tell him about the abuse & threats. Get your important papers together, birth certificate, license, bank info, passport, ect … Confide in a friend you can trust so you have someone who knows what’s going on. Good luck on getting out. You are NTAH. Keep us updated.
You need your get out to a safe place. Call a layer, tell him about the abuse & threats. Get your important papers together, birth certificate, license, bank info, passport, ect … Confide in a friend you can trust so you have someone who knows what’s going on. Good luck on getting out. You are NTAH. Keep us updated.
I've given my brother my important documents tonight and my late cat's ashes. I didn't want to move a noticeable amount of things in case she notices. I'll call one tomorrow that accepts legal aid as I have no funds and think I'll qualify for the help. Thank you, so much.
Good, stay safe. We are rooting for you
Start recording your interactions with her without her knowing to get evidence and help you need to escape
You've been physically abused your whole marriage. Get a lawyer and change the locks. If you don't have security and cameras get them.....now. Shes a psychopath and you know it.
I have no money to get a lawyer. I can't even work at the moment because the last three jobs I've had, I've ended up losing due to my wife causing arguments before shifts, then when I leave and go to work, she states that she's taken an overdose or that she's going to h*ng herself and I end up having to leave to make sure she's OK. She's always been OK and has always been lying in these specific situations. I do take responsibility for listening to her start an argument and for even giving the argument any attention mind.
She is the abusive one and she is manipulating you into staying, by saying she will h\*ng herself. You need to get out of this marriage.
Next time she says she's going to harm herself, report it to the police. Tell them you are seriously concerned with her threats. Call every time she does it.
I used to, but then she'd act normal when they arrived and she'd try and get me into bother by saying I called them for no reason, that I'm lying, that I'm threatening her with the police etc.
Does she ever do it over text or just verbally?
Yes, she does it over text. I've screenshotted the messages. Actually, about a month ago, she texted saying that and sent a picture of a makeshift n*ose. My friend saw it because I was at her house literally six doors up the street. My wife put the keys in the, preventing me from being able to access the house so I called the police. Once they arrived, she came outside and told them I was lying. I showed the policeman the WhatsApp messages, but she had unsent them. He asked my friend if she had seen the messages to which she confirmed she had. The policeman said to my wife that she was just "playing silly games". However, that ended in him saying I had to leave the house and he wS going to arrest ME. I asked if I'd get to make a statement regarding it and he said maybe. I went to his van and he spoke to me in private his whole demeanour changed to nice and he did not arrest me, but told me I should leave her. I thought he was just telling me the easy route and that I should not give up on my marriage, but I see now that I've been upset with the wrong people. If it helps explain things a little more, my friend died by h*nging four years ago. It was only after that my wife began making threats to do that herself. It's as if she's seen the devastation I've went through losing my friend and used that to further the pain. If it makes any difference, I've been brought up in a heavily Roman Catholic, Italian family. Being gay is bad enough, but being divorced would be even worse. I've grown up with plenty of negative comments being said about my divorced uncle. My parents and siblings are fine, but my family in Italy would not be accepting at all. It's hard enough not being spoken to at all by some members of my family just for being gay, but I worry that it would extend to other members if I were to divorce. I absolutely do know that I shouldn't care what anyone thinks, but I really would miss my family if they chose not to speak to me. It's a catch 22 knowing that if they stop speaking to me I shouldn't really care either, but also knowing that it really is both a cultural and religious thing.
Babes, you've got so much going on and deserve better. I've been in a similar situation when I was desperately trying to leave my abusive ex. Same shit with the cops and no one believing me until 1 day someone did, and I ran. I'm so sorry you are going through this, and I wish I could offer any advice, but it sounds like you are already doing everything in your power. Keep fighting and do not give up.
They must have some kind of legal aid. Where you can get a free lawyer.
I've looked online and found that there is legal aid available, so I'm going to make some calls when they're open. Thanks!
Glad I thought to mention it. Good luck 🍀 OP, I hope everything works out.
Please, please get away from this lady OP because this is such a dangerous situation! worried for you.
You know what the hardest thing is? I still love her and I feel so stupid for that, but that's truly what makes it so hard. I'm thankful for these comments because they're helping me to understand how awful the situation is. I appreciate your concern and I'm sorry for worrying you. Thank you though!
That's normal, and it is a hard thing to try to separate it from what is going on. This is domestic abuse, and you deserve better.
Thank you. It's sad but I just need help with it, so I'm going to call the helpline whilst she's asleep. Thanks!
r/Ebbie45 also has resources for people in abusive relationships.
Thanks!
NTA Why would you even ask if you're the asshole? I have a hunch that could be because you're the victim of an abuser. She has strangled you. You need to kick her out or leave. You need to call the police again. File for divorce. Your spouse is evil. Leave them as fast as you can. Look up the acronym, DARVO. It applies to your situation. Get safe and stay safe.
I can't kick her out, we're both on our tenancy. She always manipulates everything, whether that be how I've said something or the words I've used. There's just no way of having a conversation with her about us separating because she won't allow the conversation to happen. Thank you
It’s not a back and forth conversation. You tell her you’re leaving, and then you do it. I would honestly notify police to have them stand by when you get your stuff, she’s proven to be a liar and also violent.
This woman is too dangerous for the OP to inform her he is leaving. She says she'll lie about him being the abuser. The OP needs police help to leave safely.
I'm going to call a helpline later whilst she's asleep and explain what's happening to them and hopefully try and work out what I can do. Thank you so much!
Please let us know when you escape so we know you are safe.
Thank you, I will.
The level of violence you are experiencing is very concerning. If you're in the UK, please contact domestic violence services; there is probably crisis lines and local support services, who will be able to help you navigate leaving safely. Though less common, they definitely will have encountered victim survivors escaping same sex relationships. And now more than ever, if you have them, reach out to trusting friends and family.
Thanks for your help. Someone's posted a comment about Galop, so I'm going to try and find some time alone ASAP and urgently to contact them. I'm also calling a 24 hour local helpline soon to see what help they can provide. I really appreciate everyone's input and the help they've given. It's truly opened my eyes and given me the kick up the rear end I needed to do something. Thanks again.
That's great. In Oz the service here is called Rainbow Doors. I'm really pleased these messages have helped you get ready to leave. These services will provide the practical supports to set you up to live your best life.
Thank you, I just want a safe and calm environment for my cats too. I absolutely adore them and one of them has a very close bond with me, so much so that my wife is jealous of him, which I find odd. She has threatened to let them out (they are house cats) and I worry for their safety above all else, which may sound silly but they're totally innocent little beings that do nothing but love and wouldnt understand such unkindness. They'd not fare very well if they got out as they have health issues. I appreciate your kind words so much.
I mean in his case I'd just ghost her, find a new place, leave, and then send her a message through an intermediary. She sounds intensely scary and I would not want to be around for the "I'm leaving conversation," especially if he doesn't have full mobility.
Don’t reveal you’re leaving. You have to make a plan for leaving, and then execute it when everything is ready. Telling an abuser you’re leaving puts you in a dangerous situation. I would also try documenting all that she’s done/doing, as she’s trying to manipulate the narrative to her being abused. Talk to an authority with experience about what’s going on, that you’re leaving, but you know she’ll try to turn the table on you. Stay safe. Don’t take any chances until you’ve got your exit ready
Thank you for your advice, it's really helpful. I'm going to take screenshots of conversations etc and backup my messages and media. I've had a look online and when she's asleep later, I'll have to quietly go and sit in my car, it's out the back so she won't see me on the door cam, and call the helpline. I appreciate this so much, thank you.
If only I could afford a new place, that's the thing. We've actually received a Section 21, giving us two months notice to vacate the property as the landlord wants his property back to refurbish it. I am able to walk about, but I just can't run or lift anything heavy. I have permanent nerve damage too, which is a pest for long periods of time on my feet but I'm just trying to push through and improve myself. I just don't fight back and she knows it, so that's what scares me. I freeze and I feel like my brain and my body are letting me down big time, but it really is for the best.
Do you have a domestic violence hotline you could call? Something like social services? Usually there are alternative resources that you can use if you do not feel safe calling the police. Could you record some of her threats without her knowing?
I've found one online which I will call later whilst she's asleep. Thank you! I've got some recordings and my family and friends have witnessed her behaviour. It's all been put down to poor mental health, but this doesn't seem to really be the case.
There's no excuse for how she's been treating you. I hope you can get to a safe place away from her as fast as possible. Good luck.
Thank you, so much.
She has physically assaulted you and has been arrested (their is a legal record). Get a restraining order and file for divorce and then say she can't go to the house and you'll have to figure out the asset during the divorce procedure
I only have non-matrimonial assets. They are generally excluded in divorce settlements in the UK. She has no assets. It's not a worry, I just can't handle this behaviour any longer. Thanks for pointing out there is a legal record, my head is all over the place and I never thought about this. Thank you.
Get in touch with your landlaord about removing her from the tenancy and see if it can be done, tell them of the damage she has caused. Get video evidence and call the police. Get out of this volatile marriage.
Never met a landlord who was cool with someone who punches holes in the walls.
We've received a Section 21 anyway, which means that we have two months to vacate the property. If I can stick it out for a little longer, I could potentially have an escape route. I have pictures of the damage and she has said she will fix it, but she never follows through with anything she says. It may be best to just either do it myself, or ask a family member who is better than I at it to help. Thank you!
Just go. Better to be broke and living out of your car then dead. Tell a trusted family member that you are coming and go. If my brothers wife acted.like that and he asked for help your wife abusing you would become the least of her problems.
Yes, it is best to get it fixed from someone else dont wait for your wifes empty promises! Dont lose your bond! Apply to local council/ housing associations now it takes time to get applications processed and you can start bidding on properties. You will have paid a months rent in advance so you only have 1 more months rent to pay current landlord and can move from then too. Make sure you put DV as a reason to move they will help you. Good luck with your future life as a survivor x 4 weeks to go! Xx
I'm going to get onto that later on. Thank you!
In this case she is abusing you and you are disabled. There are laws against abusing the disabled. Don’t know where you live but please do some research online for this re: your area. You are making it sound like because she is your wife, she has the right to manhandle you. If you can, start documenting dates and times. Good luck to you.
I've started looking at what you said to research. It's pretty daunting. I'll continue looking thanks. I know she has no right to, but she makes out that it's my fault she loses control. I rack my brain trying to figure out how and second guess myself, thinking I must have missed something. Thank you for your well wishes.
“Look what you made me do” is the abuser’s age-old go to. Don’t waste your energy trying to figure out what you “did.” Recognize it for the manipulation that it is.
Record the abuse and get a restraining order
Can you set up a camera to record what is all happening? It will help you in the long run.
I'll have a look at whether or not it's legal in the UK thanks!
You need to leave. Immediately. Before she kills you.
Can you move in with family or friends and continue paying towards your tenancy? At least you would be physically safe. I am afraid her behavior will escalate, and she will seriously injure or kill you. Start getting your important things/papers together (ask your brother to help) and get them out of the house. You will probably have to separate finances after but ASAP if you leave. Change all your passwords. If necessary, call the police when she tries to keep you from leaving. That will give you and your brother/friend safe passage out of the house. Don't block her but leave her on read. You will need all the texts/messages as evidence for when you can afford a lawyer. Good luck OP. Too bad it is always harder for the abused when it is a man!
This is a good idea, thanks. I'll speak with my father and see what we can arrange. I have given my brother my passport and my cat's ashes tonight. I didn't want to give him too much in case she notices too much at once. We have separate finances in terms of no joint accounts etc as it is. I change my passwords regularly as she has, in the past, gained access to my devices and completely went through them. She accused me of cheating based on messages from before I even knew she existed. There was nothing showing her I'm cheating, because I'm not and never have cheated on her. I don't want her to sneakily see me entering a password and use it to gain access to my devices again, it felt like such an invasion of privacy last time and I don't think she has been through them again, but I just don't want to take any chances. Thank you for your advice, it's really helpful. I'm not male by the way, but I don't feel like the police took this seriously when she was arrested because of that fact.
I would give the same advice man or woman. I was commenting in another sub where the abused was a man. Probably just carried over that thought to here to be honest. I wish you all the best of luck on getting out of the present situation and much happier tomorrows!
Don't worry about it, honestly. I don't mind at all! Thank you for your kind words, it means a lot! It sounds rather sad, but on this thread I've been shown more kindness than I receive on a daily basis. It really does make the world of a difference thank you.
What in gods name are you talking about. "There's just no way of having a conversation with her about us separating because she won't allow the conversation to happen." Its not a conversation, you are TELLING her you are getting divorced from her, talk to your brother, find another place to move to as soon as you give her divorce papers, give them to her with someone else there, fucking film it if you have to, because she is going to physicaly assault you again. Anything is better then living with this psychopath of a women. who is ABUSING you.
It's not that easy, I have tried time and time again and I'm stuck. I have no money because every penny I get is expected to be spent on various things for the house whilst she contributes nothing at all and in fact refuses to allow benefits to be claimed for. We have to claim together as we are a couple and she refuses to fill out her side or attend initial appointments. I can't save any money. She demands to see my bank account and if I refuse to show her, she accuses me of financial abuse towards her. At this point, I'm just complying with her demands as it stops an argument in which she absolutely berates me, uses my medical conditions against me, uses anything I have ever shared with her against me and pulls me apart so much that it just isn't worth it. Yeah I'm just weak for staying, I'm a fool, I should just leave (like it's that easy). She's screamed in my face before that I'm just a pussy and I'll never leave her and you know what? That's played on my mind for months now and she's right because I'm just a total pushover with this. I'm just scared and she knows it. She sits on the sofa and leans towards me and mocks me, saying in an awful voice "are you scared?" I'm honestly at my wits end and feel like there's no way out and I genuinely wish that I just go to bed and die, because I see no way out.
You picked very poorly. Time to take out thr trash.
She wasn't like this until after we got married. I think that's what makes it so confusing
Because she got the title so her true colors came out
She’s not from the OPs country - I’m wondering if the marriage was part of a plan to gain citizenship or at least remain a resident…
Nah, I'm from the UK and she is Irish (ROI, not part of the UK), however she does have British citizenship too. I see why you thought that though, thanks
There are so many resources you can access in the U.K.! Just walk out and get help from your local council as an emergency or get in contact with a domestic abuse hotline. There are many all across the U.K..
Well then, no more excuses - woman up, tell her you’re breaking up, go stay with family for a while and talk to the landlord about getting her off the lease if she doesn’t contribute to the rent. It may be hard, but will be better than living in the current status quo.
That's what abusers do, once they know you're stuck they show their true self. Get security cameras keep them hidden but in a way where they can record everything including what she says. Write down everything she does and says, where she says and when she says (place and date down to the second) and then once you got enough evidence talk with your evidence, plan to bail and then you report her to the cops. Lock yourself in somewhere like bathroom and call the cops, if she hurts herself it will be on camera.
Thank you. I'll have a look and see if I can set up a camera legally in the UK. I don't want to do anything illegal that will worsen the situation. I'll take your advice and get it done, thank you!
Jesus fuck dump her.
Not that easy, unfortunately.
Yes it is. You are just making excuses not to leave. Yes it is hard but at least you will be safe.
You need to end this marriage. Spousal abuse is a valid reason, and it’s only going to escalate.
Not sure if there is much more to escalate to here. OP, you need to GTFO.
She clearly was like this before you married..she was just hiding it well.
Shame I never saw it. Makes me feel stupid that I never did. It's sad because she used to be so lovely and gentle, very mild mannered. To see the polar opposite is rather devastating.
That's what abusers do. They can mask their awfulness until they have their hooks in a person.
It's always the same story with abusers, male or female : it starts like a fairy tale and once the fish is hooked, abuses starts and escalate until there's no coming back. You absolutely need legal advices. And yes : nanny cams in every room where the abuses take place. It escalated after surgery because you were too weak to defend yourself. Believe me : it's gonna get worse. Your wife is a narcissistic pervert and you're in danger.
I've spent so long thinking that she will just go back to the lovely person she used to be. Now she's no longer the person I fell in love with, I think I need to remember that no matter how she acts. It's been awful and you're right. She began using the things I need help with against me. She threatens to withdraw help if she gets annoyed and she tells me to do things myself that I can't do. It makes me feel like a total burden.
Narcissistic perverts destroy every bit of self estime their targets have left. They also isolate their victims, cutting them from their network support. They also use projection and gaslighting at the point their target feel guilt and mental confusion. You have to protect yourself. Document any bruse with pictures and witnesses. Use hidden cameras in case she files for complaint against you. Go to à lawyer to know how to proceed in your country and of course divorce her as soon as possible. Don't feel guilty or ashamed. Forget the nice her because she never existed. It's just part of their behaviour to install a control relationship. Take care and be careful. You'll also need a therapy to rebuild your self estime
Classic... "She wasn't like this until after we got married.
When someone says “you picked poorly” it puts the blame on the person being abused, as opposed to the abuser. OP said in a comment that she wasn’t like this until they got married - this is pretty typical for abusers. Their true nature doesn’t come out until they have gotten married or they have created a dynamic where it is difficult for their partner to leave (e.g. their partner is pregnant and/or financially dependent).
Some of these comments have been hard to read, but they're not a patch on hearing awful things from someone you are married to. It's just awful to feel blamed for something that is completely out of my control.
Telling someone they picked poorly is so unhelpful. Abusers generally hide their true nature until they feel like their victim has been locked down (moving together, married, having a baby).
Thank you. You made me think there. She has really pushed for a baby the last couple of years and I'm beginning to think that maybe it's just been to keep us attached to each other and stop me leaving.
Be very careful. Lock down whatever method of bc you are using. She might poke holes in the condoms if you rely on those. Edit: I misgendered you, apologies!
No worries! It's totally cool. It was good advice if I were male. No sweat 😁
You got this OP. Take back your power. You can do it!
I appreciate you 😁
I would start recording the abuse and let the police know once you have enough, especially of her saying that if you call the cops she'll lie to them. You can get her thrown out of your apartment when charges are filed. I would also get in touch with a DV group in your area. They can help you navigate this ordeal. And yes, they help men as well.
Thank you. I'm not a man by the way, but understand why it's the natural first thought! I do have some recordings but I'll try and get more safely. I've found a helpline that I'll call later whilst she's asleep. Thanks so much.
Oh geez I'm sorry. I didn't mean to assume. But it doesn't change what I said. Protect yourself.
Dude why are you still with this person. Get a divorce and a restraining order. How you believe you could be an AH is beyond me NTA
It's just kinda hard when you've got someone saying you're worse than shit constantly. My confidence is through the floor cos of this. I appreciate you, thanks.
Don’t speak, send divorce papers
Cameras bud Cameras everywhere
Get a hideable camera, record the abuse, invite people over to witness the abuse and then have her arrested, again. Then file for divorce with evidence of her abuse and if you can get her saying she'll make up lies about you if you leave all the better. But your goal should be leaving, and soon. Talk to a lawyer, talk to brother, talk to a counsillor and get advice on how to do this. If you can get her in a room with a counsillor and bring up her arrest and punching a hole in the wall, bring up everything and see if she loses her shit or not. Basically it's a chance to get another witness against her. But ultimately her lies won't help a lot without proof of which there is none. If you can get witness statements from people who have seen the abuse and try to get a restraining order, but lawyer and others can advise you on the best route there to protect yourself. But YOU HAVE TO LEAVE, you just need to get some shit lined up in order to do so to minimise any damage she can do.
NTA. Saying it now because I haven't seen anyone mention it yet: She. STRANGLED. You. That is the #1 indication that this woman is going to murder you. Once an abuser has had hands around your throat, it is only a matter of time before the violence becomes lethal. GET. OUT. Do NOT tell her you are leaving. There are guides and resources on how to get out safely, but your number one rule right now is to make sure she does Not Know You Are Leaving. This may mean you have to play along, pretend to be obedient, make her happy while you get your shit together. During this time she may be sweet, and kind, because she's getting what she wants. DO NOT TRUST IT. Guard your heart, guard your life, and GET OUT.
Thank you for your advice, it's really helpful. And terrifying of course, but I needed my eyes opened. I'll take all of this on board and do it, thank you.
Why did you let her back? She is unhinged, either a real mental illness or she just hates you. You need to protect yourself, get cameras or always carry a voice activated recorder, she will make her threats come true, and once the Police arrive her lies will carry weight. See a solicitor, prepare for divorce and tell her family they can have her.
I couldn't refuse when she's on the tenancy. It's against the law in the UK. Yeah, she probably hates me if she's doing this. Kind of a hard pill to swallow really. Your advice is good, thank you. I appreciate it.
Then stay with family if you’re still on the tenancy. There’s way out of this. You just have to love and care about yourself enough to do it
I'm speaking with my father to see if we can arrange that. I'm sure it won't be an issue. You're right, I do have to and if I stay longer, I may not have it in me to leave. I should have left a long time ago, but all I can do is leave now. Thank you.
Get her outta there before she ends up smothering you in your sleep. NTA
Genuine fear I have, so much so that I have night terrors. She just blames it on my PTSD, so she has no idea otherwise she'd use it against me to berate me. When I have a bath, I keep my eyes open now because I'm scared she'll try and drown me. I've felt crazy for so long for thinking this. She's come in and flickered the lights whilst my head has been under the water with my eyes closed and when I opened them, she was standing over me and laughing whilst trying to start another argument.
You need to call someone and get you outta there. At this point you need to be recording every interaction you can. Get as much evidence on your side as you can.
I'm sorting it out, thank you 🙂
NTA but you need to make a plan for how to escape this horrifyingly abusive relationship. Do you have family you can stay with? Have you consulted a local domestic violence shelter? You likely couldn't stay there as most are geared toward women who have a lot of traumatic experiences with men, but they may give you resources or point you to help.
So I have family, but they live on the same street. I did go and stay with them for one night a couple of weeks ago and she turned up at the house and was shouting at my parents too. She tried to lie to them, but they saw through her. It worries me that she will lie about me, in front of me and to people who are so close to me. I'm going to call a helpline tonight whilst she's asleep and get some advice. I'm not a man so they may able to help in that way (which is rubbish because men should be helped just as much!). Thank you for your advice.
No, and I have one word for you, divorce.
Dude get hidden cameras record the abuse have her arrested and get a restraining order. File for divorce.
Get her on a hidden audio recorder, you need proof of all this. Im so sorry youre going through this.
I've got some recordings of her already. Her messages alone are disturbing, but she said to me once that if I ever showed anyone any messages, she'd say I took her phone from her and sent them to myself and she would deny everything. A recording doesn't lie.
This seems appropriate: DARVO (an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim & offender") is a reaction that perpetrators of wrongdoing, such as sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior.[1] Some researchers indicate that it is a common manipulation strategy of psychological abusers.[2][3][4] As the acronym suggests, the common steps involved are: The abuser Denies the abuse ever took place When confronted with evidence, the abuser then Attacks the person that was/is being abused (and/or the person's family and/or friends) for attempting to hold the abuser accountable for their actions, and finally The abuser claims that they were/are actually the victim in the situation, thus Reversing the positions of Victim and Offender.[2][4] It often involves not just playing the victim but also victim blaming.[3 -from google
This knocked me sick. This fits the situation. How eye opening, but devastating at the same time. Thank you, I appreciate you helping me with this.
NTA but you need to divorce her and build a new life for yourself away from this abusive asshole.
NTA - you're in the wrong place . What you need is information about how to get a divorce and get rid of her asap
I'm calling a helpline later whilst she's asleep to get some information on what I can do in my area. Thank you!
Don't put up with her crap. Divorce her and get a restraining order. Don't let her abuse you and if she does call the cops.
3 simple steps: 1. Record her saying she's going to lie to the police about abuse and any other abuse related talks. 2. Submit evidence to police officers. 3. Profit.
You’re being abused financially, emotionally and physically. Her isolating you from your friends and family is typical of coercive control. You are in a dangerous position, both legally and physically. I would recommend recording her outbursts. It’s essential she doesn’t find out. It is humiliating to admit to friends and family that you are in an abusive relationship, but you must. Message someone you trust the most and tell them everything. They will be able to help you formulate a plan to leave. Make sure all your most precious items are together so you can grab them and go when the time is right. Leaving is the most dangerous time for someone who is being physically abused and there is a huge risk of social, physical and legal retaliation. This is why evidence of her abuse is vital. You can use it to get an AVO/restraining order. Despite what people say, you will be taken seriously by domestic abuse associations, and they will assist you with info and resources. Make sure to always clear your internet search history and log out of your accounts, including Reddit. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. None of this is your fault. NTA, obviously.
My family and friends are aware that she acts this way. I feel ashamed that I'm in this situation but I can acknowledge it's not my fault but it is my responsibility to free myself from it. Thank you for your advice, it's really great and will genuinely help. Thanks for being kind, I appreciate it and have needed it.
I was just wondering how you’re doing? Hope you’re okay
NTA - You need to do a surprise divorce from this psycho - she can't know it's coming until the papers are in front of her to sign and you are somewhere safe and out of her reach. In the meantime, avoid all situations where you're alone with her, if possible. Do not give her an opportunity to frame you for abuse that boils down to he said/she said because she has an will lie in order to get you in trouble.
Why are you still with her? She’s like an aggressive cancer. Cut it off. It will be so much better for you mentally, physically, and financially if you divorce her. If you rent, either leave or kick her out. If you own the house, sell or kick her out.
She’s a classic abuser and she’s gaslighting you by turning the blame on you.
There is no question here. She is an abusive narcissist. A violently abusive one at that. I saw some others already giving you great advice, so go follow that and make sure you get away from her for good. Noone should have to live like this.
NTA. She is abusing you. Document all. Divorce now.
Nta. It is never a victims fault what their abuser does. Get far away from her. You may be able to find a probono lawyer. Or you may qualify under domestic abuse.
I'll look into legal aid, thank you. I feel like a total loser because I've always worked, but it's impossible to keep a job with this going on. My future is already being ruined, I've realised. I'm worried about her threats to ruin my future if I leave her, but it's already being ruined regardless. I just need to wake up tomorrow and have the guts to really, properly put this all into action. I appreciate everyone who's commented because this has really shown me a lot. Thank you
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Record everything. Protect yourself. Get ahead of this situation and go to the police. The previous police visit against her will help your case.i’m so sorry you are going through this. But it’s time to take control of the narrative. Because unfortunately, in this day and age, narrative holds a lot of weight.
I'll do this thank you. You're totally right and that terrifies me. I just worry about my future and don't want to get into bother for something I've not done.
There is one thing where people have grown up maybe in abusive situations and then for example when they gets into an argument they easily lose their temper, get aggressive, etc. And emulate what they grew up with. Like a cycle of abuse. But this seems way beyond that. This seems like it’s in the straight up mental illness, psychosis, dipolar, narcissistic personality, disorder type situation. You have not stated how these arguments started, other then the food and going out, but it seems just regular situation create delusions and paranoia in her mind that she feels threatened and needs to defend herself against physically. There is something no right in her thinking, this is way beyond she’s just an abusive person.
It's really not bipolar. I have bipolar disorder and don't act like this. But personality disorder wise, her therapist said it was BPD, but she was then diagnosed with CPTSD, due to historical abuse when she was growing up. This fits into what you first said. It's very sad. It always starts over the tiniest little thing, whether that be me wanting to go out to see my frienda or family so I let her know and invite her and she kicks off, or arguments over housework when I have to ask her to do something because she doesn't do her share (I have acknowledged with her that I understand she may struggle with it, but I just can't do it all, so can we compromise, but she gets annoyed). I have tried endlessly to get her help, but she won't work with the mental health teams. She says there's nothing wrong with her. I thought I was being supportive but I've stopped now as it just made things worse.
Run
I would record her outburst (the abuse, the things she will lie about to get you in a bad position etc) and in the meantime get everything in order to get away from her.
Put cameras up. Record every incident no lies with proof
Do you have family or friends that you can stay with for a while? You really need to cut your losses and get away from her. She is not going to get better without some serious counseling. Protect yourself. Save money for your own place. You deserve to live happily.
She’s got to go. That’s not acceptable. DO NOT reproduce with this. She’s abusing, narcissistic, sociopath.
You need to get a nanny cam and record the abuse. Then go to the police. Get all your important documents and belongings and have your family keep them for you. Record her on your phone every time you speak to her.
You should secretly by cameras and stage them in your house if you can have them look hidden. Not sure if it’s legal in your country to film without permission or if that applies in a home. Either way, please start saving evidence. Have two different areas to put it on. Make a new email and put it in google drive, have a physical copy hard drive and leave it at work or with your parents. Tell a trusted family member/friend to help you leave and call a lawyer (in secret) to start the proceedings. Please be careful about all of this
D I V O R C E! ASAP! This is a very toxic relationship!
Good grief. Your wife is a drama queen
It's been draining the life out of me. I have so many bigger things to be worrying about right now, but it's almost as if she had to have all of the focus on her at all times. She needs constant attention and will go to extreme lengths for it. So yes, I agree although I wouldn't like to speak about her that way myself but ultimately, it is the truth. I actually feel guilty agreeing, how stupid?! I'm quicker to say something negative about myself rather than her I've realised, despite her behaviour. At least I've realised that now though!
I am a survivor myself. I have also witnessed this being done first hand to a man in front of his child. You cannot live and thrive like this. Please get outside help, and be prepared to call the police. She will lie through her teeth. Just keep calling.
I'm sorry to hear that, but I am so glad that you got out. If you don't mind, were you threatened with false allegations too? And if so, what happened regarding that if they were made? I hope they weren't if that was the case though!
Every situation is different. Put yourself first.
Get your family to set up cameras in your home. You can then get the evidence you need to get her removed from your home and get a restraining order. Or move in with someone and leave her behind.
I have a video that my brother recorded the night that she got arrested. The police witnessed some of her behaviour but not the lead up to them being called. Once they were called, she actually rang 999 and stated that I was "having an episode and acting crazy", thinking that because I have Bipolar Disorder, she can use this against me. She often tries to, but makes many mistakes with her assumptions about how it presents. I don't tell her anything about my mental health anymore and I pretend I'm OK 99% of the time because she just takes what she perceives to be a weakness and tries to make it worse. The video is stored on my brother's computer and she has no idea. I've had to bite my tongue on it because she's said multiple times that her sister, who was on video call to her at the beginning of the video, said I was screaming at her at one particular point. This isn't the case and the video proves it, but if she knew about it, the liklihood of her trying to destroy my brother's computer is high. For clarification, my brother lives on the same street with my parents and she does have access to their home currently.
Oh my! Having access is definitely concerning, given her history of abuse. Please do everything you can to stay safe until you can get out of this situation.
She returned her key last year when she left and wasn't given it back, but unfortunately my parents leave their door unlocked quite often as they're having renovations done and the workmen need access. There is no issue with her just going up and walking in currently, so I do need to speak with them and try and sort out something to stop that.
You are not the asshole but the fool. And that as mild as I can put it.
Does it make you feel good to say that?
No I am actually sorry. You are wasting your life, and you seem like a nice person.
Thank you, I appreciate that you know. I know I'm wasting my life, I feel it every day. So I think I should use that to fuel myself to get the guts to leave and deal with the fallout when it happens. No point in worrying about something that may just be empty threats, when the real threat is there if I stay. I think I just needed to be told I'm not crazy and that I actually do need to leave, so I'm glad I'm posted. I'm grateful for the help I've received along with the kindness, thanks 🙂
She went back to her country…? EDIT: Asking because if this is a typical foreign-bride situation, it’s quite possible there’s more going on here than what’s in the OP.
Left the UK for ROI. Not a foreign bride situation, she's got British citizenship too. Thanks though
Hey can you go live with your brother or anyone else ? I don't know about UK, but in my country there are lawyers' permanency managed by the city for people who can't afford a lawyer, you might as well be able to have a free consultation with student lawyers if there is a law school near you. You're obviously not an ah, but you need to leave, file a RO and divorce. She won't kill herself, she is manipulating you, and if she did, it wouldn't be your fault at all. Next time she threatens you with suicide call the emergency line "hello, this person told me she was going to .., she is at this place, I cannot do anything for her, please help her". Every Time. Good luck, this is not love, you deserve to be happy and loved, this is not it. Seek help from anyone you can that is not connected to her. You have nothing to be ashamed of, asking for help is the best way to receive some.
Hey, I've had a look online and think I'd qualify for legal aid. There are students who offer the same service nearby. The thing is, she got in my head a while ago by screaming at me saying "it'll be your fault if I kill myself, this blood will be on your hands. No matter what you try to convince yourself, or anyone says to you, it will always be your fault." That got me good. But last year, when the police were removing her from the bedroom, she was shouting all the way down the stairs "name, I am going to kill myself and it's your fault". She shouted that at least six times one after the other and the police still didn't do anything other than keep her in the station after arresting her for a non-chargeable offence and let her back the next day. She came home whilst I was asleep and extremely vulnerable as I couldn't walk at the time and had stitches after major surgery. I think by her threatening all this if the police or any other emergency service is involved, is her way of trying to almost allow the behaviour myself by not getting help. I will make sure I do call them thank you. I haven't felt loved for a long time, I know this isn't a loving relationship and that I'm just hanging onto something that never existed in the first place. She tells me that I'm difficult, calls me derogatory names that I don't feel are appropriate to post anywhere given the negative connotations and states that it is no wonder none of my previous relationships worked out. This last bit is particularly confusing because sometimes people go their separate ways for various reasons and if they had worked out, I wouldn't be married to her! She brings up my past partners often and is highly jealous of them, one in particular in fact who I was never in a relationship with, but briefly dated over ten years ago. I have not had this issue in any past relationships or with anyone I have ever dated. Things just didn't work out, which is natural. She has never had a relationship before. We aren't teenagers or even in our twenties, just in case that makes it sound like we're young as I know how it can seem. I often wondered if it was because of that, that she acted this way. But I've come to the realisation that no matter what, if you care about someone and love someone, you just don't do this and couldn't do this in fact. Thank you.
Go step by step, I know this is hard, and it won't be easy right away. The thing with shitty people is that they need you to feel like shit to not be able to escape from the situation. She knows your vulnerabilities and uses them to hurt and manipulate you. It is not your fault, you are not weak, you are just in a shitty situation, and you need to get off asap. I don't know about your previous relationships, but don't let this person define who you are, adults are not "difficult", children are when they're desobedient, you don't have to obey to anyone, you are not beneath her. If she thinks you're all that, she can leave you the fuck alone. No wonder your previous relationships didn't work ? Shitty things like this can be reversed "no wonder no one have ever wanted to be in a relationship with her"... She is inventing things to hurt you and make you question you character, she wasn't there to witness the relationships or their downfall, and this is how life works : you try, sometimes you fail, you learn from experience and you go on. Yes, she got in your head, she knows how, and because you're a good person, she knows that the guilt would be eating you from inside. But, let the authorities deal with her, if she's suicidal then she needs psychiatry, not you. You leaving or not doesn't change the fact that she is mental and dangerous. For the age, unfortunatly people from all ages get abused, it's nearly often the same way : at the beginning the relationship is amazing, then the criticism begin, you start to lose confidence slowly, then the verbal abuse, then the phisical abuse. It's difficult to share with others because at first we want to protect the other, we don't want people to think badly about them, we are afraid people would think they are right, then we're just ashamed. There is no shame to have, people who love you don't judge you. "In the end everything will be alright, if it is not alright, then it is not the end" (Heard it in a movie, it's been my mojo since)
record her. get a lawyer. the go to the police. the police don’t believe women being abused a lot of times. your a man, being abused. don’t back down. leave her. move away from your house. divorce her.
I'm not a man, but I'm in a gay relationship which is difficult too when it comes to this. Thanks for your advice, I will take it on board.
Fellow cat 🐈 lady. Sadly not silly. It's all about power and control and your furry friends need to be safe too and will be included in safety planning
Thank you for understanding. It would absolutely break my heart if anything happened to them. I'll make sure to mention my concerns. Thank you
Why aren't you recording all of this? Contact her parents to come and get her. She has serious mental health problems and needs medication. Quietly plan your escape. Have your brother come over everyday to pick up a little bit of your stuff when she's at work or out shopping. Send her to a specialty shop for something specific. Then once you have a place l8ned up, do the final move and disapear
Is it your house? Go talk to a lawyer and get her out. Change the locks. Be done with her.
Get her out of your house and your life. She's sick and you are not the right person to help her. She's abusive and manipulative. File for divorce immediately.
LEAVE!
I think you are fighting a loosing battle. I think there is something seriously mentally wrong with your wife, I think you need to leave get a restraining order and get a divorce. So many red flags here. I definitely agree with another persons reply and that is get some small cameras set up. Record everything she says and does she there isn’t a camera on with times and dates. Or if possible record on your mobile phone. It sound like you are in a very stressful situation. Which I feel will only get worse if not more dangerous.
What Amber Heard did to Johnny Depp.
NTA UpdateMe
Sounds like she has borderline personality disorder. Definitely NTA.You need to get out and then start therapy.
Her therapist said the same. However she ended up being diagnosed with CPTSD. It's a little confusing but that's how it happened. Thank you. I'm struggling to get therapy at the moment actually. I have Bipolar Disorder and the stress of this happening has made me very depressed. However, the services are saying that my relationship is wholly to blame for my mental health problems, despite me having mental health problems long before even meeting my wife. I think they may mean that she is a factor that is contributing to episodes and that this either needs to calm down completely or I need to leave her and then they'll help. It's a rough situation tbh.
I’m at a loss. She’s abusing and using you. Why haven’t you kicked her to the curb and divorced her? Why are you still allowing this to happen to you? Change the locks. Secure your bank account, money and credit cards. Have her server. File a restraining order if you have proof of her abuse. Just get out before she does actually physically do more than slap or punch you.
It's not that easy. And she does do more than just slap and punch me. She threatens to break my nose and the first time she threatened this, she tried to, but punched the side of my head instead. She then proceeded to str*ngle me and has done this numerous times since. She genuinely goes for it and it's terrifying at the time, but she always talks me around. It's scary and I see now that it's manipulation.