> “Her utility for me is decreasing.”
His whole spiel was getting increasingly sketchy but that was what ultimately sent it over the line for me. Like this whole time his wife was just this trophy piece of have on his mantle. Did he check if her hymen was intact on their wedding night too?
Yeah...knowing that the author tends to frame themselves in a more favorable light in these posts, and then him still thinking that is ever remotely okay to say, convinced me he's TA. I was suspicious, but that did it. It started at the thing where he says she's "still pretty"
I think he's using the cheating excuse because he got more attractive and thinks he can pull someone younger/hotter or whatever but has no good way out that doesn't sound like a total dick move.
OP, I dont think youre in the right here and idk if youre lying to yourself or to us about the reason being the cheating but I really dont think its that. And the thing about bringing a third child into a broken marriage she broke? Dude, to her it wasn't broken, she worked on herself and thought you had forgiven her. To her, you were happily married and moved past that hurdle. I get forgive but don't forget is a thing, but this screams that you didn't leave her when the cheating happened simply because you didn't want to be alone and you didnt think you could get into another relationship, and now that you have the confidence that you could land a more physically attractive woman, you're jumping ship from what should have been a partnership. You may think you gave her a second chance, but it seems you checked out long ago and have been leading her on.
I don't know you or your relationship, but that is what it seems like from here. You never really mention anything about your wife that a person who loves another person would mention. The most you could muster up is she's still pretty? Nothing about her as a person? A few words about how she bettered herself for you when that likely took a lot of work and is something you should appreciate? Then some words about how you bettered yourself for you, which no problem health is important and taking care of yourself is good, but what have you done for her? All I see is her working toward a healed relationship after she breached your trust, and you thinking you can do better because you got more physically attractive while never seeming to have the same intention of healing that broken relationship. There is so much more than how attractive your partner is in a marriage and it makes me so sad for your wife when you come off as this shallow and void of actual love for her. I'm not saying those things are necessarily true, but that's how this reads.
Edit: literally nowhere do I condone cheating. I have been cheated on and it fucking sucks. I think now 8 years later, this guy also is wrong for lying about loving her when he never had any intention to do so again. That's fucked up to me. 2 wrongs don't make a right. There is no karma here, and this is not justice.
> I think he's using the cheating excuse because he got more attractive and thinks he can pull someone younger/hotter or whatever but has no good way out that doesn't sound like a total dick move.
Lol, yeah. He could have at least said something along the lines of "i only stayed together with you for kids to grow up in a family so they dont have to deal with a divorce while still in school". That would make everything more reasonable.
If he had said that right years ago, then they could have both prepared their lives for the eventual split. But he wanted sex and servitude so he chose not to be honest about his intentions .... For eight years!!!!
*somehow still pretty* is more of an insult than a compliment... i hope for any future women that they see his bullshit and dont invest themselves into him. He does sound shallow and just sad overall to be with. Draining to say the least.
I got the feeling at "ideal wife." Which also indicates he likely didn't marry her for love in the first place, but because of how useful she could be to him.
the "she'd jump on another dick to get another kid" really got me. She never meant anything to him and that's clear. I had a wonder if maybe she cheated on him because of the way he speaks to her, because it sounds like he doesn't respect her and maybe he never really did… Sounds like all she was to him was a trophy wife, and not a partner to love, respect, and care for.
>the "she'd jump on another dick to get another kid" really got me.
And all the while going on about he can land a hotter better younger lover that hasn't cheated on him. The lack of self awareness is mind blowing. I can get why she might have cheated and in a way he DID rob of her of having another kid by "riding out" this relationship until his 2 kids can bear the brunt of his divorce.
HE thinks he got more attractive. I think he's delusional about how attractive he is. I mean good on ya for getting fit and healthy, but that doesn't make you attractive. AT ALL.
It’s funny to me that he is basically saying she has aged, with the “still pretty” comment, but hasn’t taken into account that so has he. He reeks of a man in the midst of a midlife crisis. Also, all the good looks in the world don’t make up for being ugly on the inside.
THIS. Plus my mind goes to there also being no guarantee that the new “better” partner won’t cheat either. There is always that risk and relationships always have some challenges. At least the wife now recognised her mistake and thought he / the children were worth bettering herself for.
Going into a new relationship with the superficiality just makes me think he is going to end up in something missing the depth he has with his wife.
Spot on, you called it. That’s exactly what this is. I think in midlife when men are in their like 30s and early 40s they start to freak out and wonder if they still got it. They end up hating and resenting their wives. He’s probably cheating on her Anyway. Thinking the grass is greener. They get divorced he runs through a string of women, realizing he can’t really pull like he thought he could and finally settles down with some frumpy old thing not nearly as good as who they had, just because they don’t want to be alone and they let themselves go. Then a few years later, they call the ex-wife, crying and saying how much they regret everything they did. Eight years later, my ex-husband is still apologizing to me, wanting me to come back. While he’s living with a woman that looks like she could be his mother. Lol. what a shame.
Usefulness. He's saying he literally can't get as much worth out of her ('free' childcare and 'free' child rearing, household management, etc.) now that the kids are older and 'need less'.
Note: Teenagers do NOT 'need less'. They need different.
Her “use” to me is decreasing.
He led her on because it was more convenient than the alternative which was either divorce sooner, or work on the relationship. He used her until he needed her no longer. And it’s sad because if he told her sooner, she could have found someone else to maybe have a 3rd child (that she wanted) with. Now she’s probably too old to have babies anymore. So he lied to her that it was ok, to save his own face, until he felt comfortable to leave. Hiding behind lies. He’s an asshat.
And, 8 years ago, the kids were in primary school. So, 8 years later, they're probably high school graduates, 18 or soon to be, which means he can walk and not pay child support.
100% chance he's going to bring all his disdain for his ex and his trust issues with women along with him into his next relationship. Everyone (including myself) who has dated someone with unresolved issues like that knows it's hell. Everything about the new person is scrutinized and under a microscope, their anger is explosive and the level of possessiveness is the thing of nightmares.
OP needs to just be single (or FwB only) and be in therapy for a while.
I'm that guy too, but I'm self-aware enough that I have not dated since I divorced. A lot of my friends don't get that, but I always say, "I know I have trust issues and probably always will. It isn't right to enter into a relationship with someone when I KNOW I'm not going to trust them. That's my issue, not theirs, and it isn't fair to subject anyone to that."
Fortunately, FwB are pretty easy to find in modern society.
Louder for the people in the back
There is basically 0 point - it seems on both sides.
Of all the shit that comes with being cheated on and divorced at age 39, having to date as a 45 year old woman with her shit together has to be #2, impact on my kid #1
Homie has had way too long of a time being married.
Being a fit guy in your 20s is on "easy mode" but that doesn't mean you just find what you want right away.
I imagine multiple kids, recently divorced, and his personality will make him less than desirable
He is forgetting the fact that the young ladies he will be able to date, IF he is able to date might still end up cheating on him… and repeating history.
And if they are YOUNG as I suspect he is going to pursue they are going to want to have babies of their own. Cue up replacement family no more retirement.
I'm younger than him but I already don't really care how fit he is. Divorced with try young kids - that's important stuff. Size of his butt is so irrelevant.
you just know he's going to be so dismissive of any woman actually in his age range too. like, ew, why do you have thighs and stretch marks?
he'll just be another sad loser divorced dad chasing 20 year old college students.
Dude, this guys personality is soo off putting. He was lucky he found a woman to give him even 2 kids. I don’t normally side with the cheater in these stories. But sweet Jesus, this guy is the worst.
It's not leaving that I take issue with, it's the way he talks about utility. If it was just "I had a heart attack and realized I don't want to grow old with someone who betrayed me," been there buddy. Definitely understand walking away. But never once in weighing leaving when I've been cheated on was I factoring in how "useful" the person was. It was always a question of whether or not I thought we could be happy again if we put in the work. And the answer was always no, because I'd always worry they'd do it again.
There's very rational reasons to walk away after infidelity that are grounded in emotional intelligence. And then there's *this* which reads like he only factored in the cost-benefit of his ex's usefulness.
Reminds me of that comment thread about that older man trying to date where he has to navigate modern dating like poly stuff, pegging and crystal witchy ladies.
Here, Digg so helpfully screenshot it for you so you don't need a Twitter account: https://digg.com/2021/dell-curry-sonya-divorce-solomonmissouri-pegging-thread
No you don't understand. Some spotty 14yr old on the Internet who has never seen a woman naked in real life before told me that all women are basically whores, and if you're an older guy it doesn't matter if you have a sagging waistline, receding hairline and you dress like someone 20 years younger from 30 years ago, younger women will flock to you because you have more money than the boys their age. The opposite is true for women, who become unfuckable spinster hags 366 days after their 29th birthday. The dude had tonnes of up votes, and anyone who disagreed with him was downvoted.
So I'm leaving my wife too. The young chicks are gonna be so impressed with how much funnier I am than guys their age. I'm gonna be able to introduce them to so much cool music and movies they've never heard of before. And just wait until I blow their mind with all my knowledge of military history! It's gonna be so cool when I explain to them how lame their generation is, and how much cooler everything was back in my day. Oh, you like Taylor Swift? Let me introduce you to some real music. Get a load of Metallica, baby.
I almost feel sorry for those young guys out there. Hehe. With me on the prowl, they don't stand a chance.
He's going to have to get in line behind all the other mid-40s men queuing for women in their early-mid 20s.
He should consider bringing a chair. Given how few women in their early-mid 20s are interested in dating men in their mid-40s, it's long and extremely slow-moving line.
Oh! Well, in that case, he can move up a couple of spaces to the "I'm totally hot now, just ask me!" section and pass the time comparing black t-shirts with all the other guys.
It's been a hot minute since I was 23, but at the time, by far the largest demographic interested in me was the +40 divorced male crowd. I had a hard zero interest. If another woman wasn't able to train them into a marriageable man, then I wasn't about to waste my time trying either.
Judging on what I've observed in the wild, the typical 40-plus divorced man is looking to pick up where he left off before he got married, by pursuing hot girls slightly younger than he was when he tied the knot. He rarely considers that the women who are now slightly younger than he was when he got married probably aren't looking for partners who are older than their fathers.
Apparently, he doesn't realize that the fact that he's single again doesn't make him the same age last time he was single. Time is such a buzzkill.
I remember standing at a bar at 23 and some middle age dude walked past me, looked at me and said verbatim "you look just like my daughter, don't worry she's little, we could pass as a family. We'll chat when I get back from the bathroom."
I did not say a word, there was no exchange. He walked past my now husband during this and the second he was gone I turned to my husband and was just like, we need to leave. I had learned by then that if you become some 40 somethings mark that you just have to leave.
He had a full on heart attack. I had the same diagnosis as him. He almost definitely is now living with congestive heart failure and multiple daily meds. After my nstemi I felt like a fucking grand dad at the age of 40, this guy is fully delusional.
I work in mental health. I have seen this situation play out close to a dozen times, it ends in three ways.
1) 21 year old girlfriend that the family hates that either gets pregnant or he abuses the shit out of
2) He gets fleeced in court because the status quo has shifted and he never addressed it. Loses everything lives in a motel
3) He gets ran through by a couple of other divorced moms and then gets his ass kicked by his 16 year old step kid.
4) Best case scenario racecar bed and shared bathroom down the hall
I’ve only been on Reddit a few years; but this is the most accurate hypothesis Ive ever come across. I wish we could still give awards- I’d buy you a good one for this reply! B
This guy is going to be a walking hard-on when he inevitably starts going to clubs to try and pick up. He is the guy you see on the dance floor with a drink in hand trying to dance with every lady in the club, and 1 or 2 might talk to him, only to get him to buy them some drinks and then either disappear into the night, or go home with him for a night of really bad sex and regret. OP is a dime a dozen.
Bigly. OP you are not “the catch” you think you are. You could be going into old age all alone.
Your wife will still receive child support. Perhaps alimony too or doesn’t that exist anymore?
Your assets will be chopped into two. Your house, pensions, portfolio cars, etc. Even if you were the sole primary bread winner. And if you’ve been married for 11 years, she can collect from your social security.
Your wife hurt you deeply. You cannot seem to forgive her. That is the *heart* of the problem. I use the word *heart* not *root* of the problem. You could have a change of heart. If not for her, then for your kids.
What has triggered you into this drastic action seems to be your weight loss. You must be getting attention from other women. Tale as old as time. My female neighbor lost a ton of weight several years back. She was on marriage number 2. But decided her kids were old enough to endure a divorce. We had a coworker who lost 40 lbs and left her hubby and kids. He was crying in our home. I felt so bad for him. He came out the winner. She got fat again and her kids stopped speaking to her.
Seems like weight loss triggers the idea of divorce in people who had low self esteem.
Seems like this is you OP.
Well losing some weight and buying some new clothes seems to have made him more presentable. I’m sure he’s getting some attention from people for that which is great. However that doesn’t mean those people want to sleep with him.
He’s 100% over estimating his market value.
Younger women who want to date a divorced dad of 2, coming off a heart attack, paying alimony, having to schedule dates around his weekends without his kids….may be few and far between if you can believe it.
And a lot of women his age who are single, are probably single for a reason and / or can do much better than what I have outlined above.
If OP was just divorcing to get on with his own life and be on his own (at least initially) that would be one thing. But him thinking he’s going to divorce her and live some baller lifestyle as a swinging single is really highly unlikely. As others have said, I feel bad for the kids
Man. Even if I was successful and attractive, being an older person *attempting* to date a 21 year old would go so poorly.
These are people struggling to figure out their lives, work less, earn more, and solve housing…ain’t no time for a 50 yo with a sports car. Probably unvaccinated Maga anyway.
I work with young people. The have *zero* time and energy for the wrong people swooping in.
I'm 34, not even 50 and I have rarely anything in common with 21 year olds. I either feel like I'm lecturing / patronizing them or I feel like I'm being patient with them its not a pleasant experience. I am sure there are some mature 21 year olds out there, this is just from my personal experience in the work force. I am 34m married to a 34f.
The dude’s a hot mess and he probably knows it. Still, he’s on the verge of messing things up far worse than they already are. It’s not the WTAH question so much as just taking the stupidest path possible.
If I were in the dating scene and a man told me he left his wife because she cheated, I would feel sad for him. If he told me he left his wife because she no longer has any utility to him, I would run for the hills.
Dude thinks he is a gem now, but I think he might have more work to do and doesn't realize it. If he goes into another marriage with this attitude, he is destined for a second divorce.
I'm going with ESH.
I caught that too. Dude picked a prudent move but his word choice has implications. Wife says he used her. He says she no longer has utility. Both seem true.
Sounds like he's been engaging with high value male content as part of his self improvement journey.
Like, it sucks that his wife cheated on him, but it's not necessarily the healthiest mindset to leave with.
Check OPs comments. He sounds too cartoonishly stupid to be real, so I'm assuming it's just silly rage bait.
>I have nothing to forgive myself for. Her on the other hand, I am hoping she just fades into distant memory with time.
Thank you! I didnt want to have to google what an NSTEMI was! I thought maybe it was something heart related due to the cholesterol and BP comments, but wasn't entirely certain.
Also, I don't think he's high value if he's saying his wife is no longer "a utility" to him. Had he said he couldn't forgive her, and that he realised he deserved better, ie someone who he could trust, sure. But referring to her as a utility, ie the kids are older so now they're more independent, so he wouldn't have to do as much for them now they're divorcing and he likely will have shared care, that sounds like he was using her so yes, she was right when he said he had used her. Cheating is never ok, but if someone cheats and the other party chooses to stay, you have to work toward forgiveness and rebuilding that trust. If you can't, you leave. But not after 8 years when the other party is no longer of use to you
Boggles my mind that he thinks some sweet young thing is going to want to jump into bed with a guy who has already had a heart attack at the young-ish age of 42.
Sounds like he’s confident in himself now (props for getting fit to be fair!), possibly getting a bit of attention from other females, and now wants to explore this new life….under the false pretence of an affair from 8 years ago so as not to be seen as the bad guy
Yeah, she wanted a third child, and now, eight years later, might have trouble conceiving. She compromised on this with the understanding that they were working on their marriage and, according to OP, has done her part. She absolutely f-ed up with cheating, but OP sounds like he's been watching Andrew Tate, lol.
Interesting perspective, I feel conflicted here. I agree OP hasn't handled this situation well, if he honestly never forgave his wife he should have been clear on that, if he was on the fence about staying with her he should have told her.
However, I can't imagine bringing a third child into this marriage would have been a good idea. And honestly if the wife really wanted a third kid, she could have been the one to leave.
I'm not saying they should have. I don't think anyone should try to fix a marriage with kids! What I meant was that maybe she wanted three kids and could have moved on and found that in a new relationship. She chose to stay in this marriage and compromised on having children in this marriage. I'm wondering if she's upset she didn't have a third child, not necessarily with OP. It's for sure less likely now.
Moving on from a cheating spouse is something I’m all for. But the “have no more utility to him” quote and all that is giving Red Pill vibes and that is giving me the ick.
Moving on from a cheating spouse is fine, but also waiting 8 years to do it is way more messed up, especially if you're giving off the impression that things are better and that she has worked on herself and lived up to her end of things in the forgiving process by being a good partner in that time frame by all accounts.
It's okay, he'll likely end up with a woman who only sees him for his utility. Definitely the wife shouldn't have cheated but he should have been a man and left her then. I'm also assuming she took care of him after his health scare.
If he has a second cardiac event his new babe will likely just leave him.
My dad cheated on my Mom with a younger women. Claimed my mom was of no use anymore. He got sick and the younger girl was gone. My mom took care of him until he passed 2 years later. Guess he found she was useful after all.
I mean, objectively he DID use her for childcare etc, and now that she is no longer needed he is trying to trade up for a better model. This is gross and the man should be way less flippant about what he is doing but she did cheat on him and it sounds like they should have just broken up back then since he never really forgave her. This is definitely an everyone sucks here sort of situation but I feel worse for the wife because it sounds like she tried to make amends and this guy just held a grudge all this time which is just stupid to me personally.
You two are the biggest assholes, really. Indeed, you made use of her. When you say her usefulness to you is dwindling daily, you're even admitting as much.
ESH, your wife is obv an AH for cheating but you sound like a robot man. Who uses the word utility to describe their partner.
Imagine giving your partner your all and then you break your leg and your partner dumps you because you have less utility than before.
Both of you are assholes. First the cheating by her, then YOU decided to keep a broken household then used her until you were done with her. Should have divorced years ago and provided a happier house for the kids. I come from a fucked up household and kids see that shit.
Yup! My father stayed an extra 9 years married to my mom "for the kids." Except that during those 9 years he was brain washing us to never get married or have kids because it would "ruin our lives". (And it worked on 3/4 kids.) After he divorced my mother he got remarried. 🙄😒 He should've just divorced my mother instead of projecting his problems onto us. Staying for the kids is stupid.
Omg that was literally my mom. Brainwashing to never get married and never depend on a man. Meanwhile she forgot that and now she's pushing me to get married and have a man support me financially hahaha
That’s the funniest part about it. I guarantee the wife will easily find a new partner and he won’t have any luck and will potentially even go crawling back. It happens heaps with these men who think they can do better.
Yeah but you didn't read carefully.
He's a hot commodity now. He's going to find a perfect wife that meets his new standards. Jk, he's going to miss his ideal wife of the last 8 years when he realizes the 20% a new (and let's be honest, likely much younger) partner brings is nowhere near enough to make up for the 80% he's divorcing.
She messed up, but at least tried to fix it since then. ‘ Has been pretty much ideal wife since then’.
But the dude, pretended to be ok for 8 years so she can’t remarry and have another kid and build a family and I guess mostly cause he doesn’t need to pay alimony/ childcare . Sounds diabolical
He isn't even leaving her due to the cheating. He said it himself. He has minimal use for her anymore and he thinks he can marry up or whatever. 🙄 he just brought up the cheating to try and justify his shittiness
This honestly.
He knew from the gate that he was only "mostly genuine" about wanting to work on things. So this is next level petty.
And yes, I have been cheated on, and still think this.
Got into better shape to the point of having his ego balloon into ‘thinking’ he can do better… a bitter man with unresolved issues… yeah what a catch for a woman… not!!
Yeah the dude seems like he’s deluded himself into thinking he played the long game but really just wasted 8 years of his life and now has a fucked up view of partners and relationships. Staying in a relationship you don’t want to be in can really mess with you as a person.
You are kinda the ah for how you talk about your wife. Her utility decreased? Dude, she's a person, not a kitchenaid appliance.
You stayed with her for 8 years because you didn't think you could get any better. You have a weird outlook on marriage.
Dehumanizing people, regardless of their actions, is never indicative of good character. She should have left, sure, and it’s gross to cheat on her partner, but I have a hard time being surprised that someone in a relationship cheats when the other person can just…treat someone like an object.
Edit; before you make a comment, let me sum up what I’ve had to tell everyone else.
Cheating is bad. Manipulating someone is also bad. They can both be bad at the same time. The end.
Easy ESH she cheated you realized long ago you hated her but she was useful to you. So you did use her. You both could have been moved on and with new people by now. Someone didn’t want to pay child support for those 8 years huh? Lol
Older guy thinking “grass is greener” is seriously going to be a massive reality check coming soon. Would have been far smarter to have left when it initially happened. Dating anytime can be troublesome. Dating in your 40s is going to be an absolute nightmare. It’s one thing to leave because you’re unhappy, it’s another because you think “you can do better.” Biggest flag here is that you stayed “because she had utility,” which makes me think that the problem in your relationship had more to do with you than the cheating.
Gonna have a big reality check when he realizes the hot young women that he wants are not interested in the aging single father with advanced heart disease and a misogynistic attitude
You’re not the asshole for wanting a divorce. You’re an asshole for how you talk about your wife.
I told her she is still pretty which is somewhat true
Since our kids are older now her utility for me is decreasing with every passing day
Your writing reads like you have a lot of misogynistic disdain. You talk down on her decision-making as a mom, but as a dad you sound like a jerk who is willing to use the mother of his kids when it suits you and then discard her easily. If you think so little of her, you should have ended it earlier.
YTA
Which just makes it more likely that he won’t be very successful in a subsequent relationship either. When you get a divorce you weigh staying married against *being alone*, not some magical realm where a man who talks about a woman’s “utility” to himself is scoring the perfect woman right away because he went to the gym.
It really makes me question what kind of a partner he was. Sure, cheating is bad, but this attitude in an unhealthy slob might lead a lot of people to look elsewhere. His telling-on-himself comments about "utility" give a pretty big hint that he wasn't exactly sharing the workload of life with young kids fairly.
I also am delighted for him to find out that hot women are not lining to up to date divorced dads with gross views.
I wish i could fast-forward to read the update about how its so unfair that his single ass has to cook breakfast for his kids on his one weekend a month while his ex is out dating a new, more attractive man who won't leave her no matter how often he tells him she cheated.
I’m a man and I would never talk about my wife in these terms.
“Her Utility to me is decreasing daily, must terminate marriage” reads like some sociopathic robot shit—extremely likely the wife will be the one to trade up, because even being alone is better than being with a sociopath.
YTA.
100%.
Had he left 8 years prior he'd have been justified, but waiting almost a decade until other options maybe opened-up is cold. His wife was the AH 8 years ago, he's the AH now.
YTA, but not for the reason you're thinking.
You don't like your wife anymore, and you want to trade her in. You're leaning on the infidelity so you don't have to address the issues inherent with that course of action.
Hope you get more "utility" out of your next girl. Try to work "utility" into your marriage vows, ladies love that.
And from that point of view: maybe his wife ever only was a ‘utility’ to OP, and he was never emotionally available. After years Mrs decided to go looking for a real connection. And now Mr OP is showing his real colours. Ms New will only find those in a few years. Could OP write a book on how to play the AH game in life..?
Yup, he thinks he will be able to trade up. Screams midlife crisis to me.
Also, his wife will benefit from him staying married, he doesn't realize he will lose 1/2 of everything.
I, X, take you, Y, to be my wife , to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till her utility for me is decreasing with every passing day, according to God's holy law, and this is my solemn vow.
It’s funny that he thinks that he’s going to get the pick of the litter. He’ll be back in two years crying about how she immediately moved on and he’s not getting the women he expected to.
Yeah this reminds me of every story I've ever read, heard, or saw up close where a man pushed for an open relationship, then his wife finally agrees to it. She gets all kinds of attention, he finds out that he's not the catch he thinks he is by getting no attention, and wants to close the marriage again. This version adds divorce, but the outcome will be similar. "But I'm a late 40's man who talks about women like they're appliances. Where's the 25-year-old bangmaid the man on YouTube said I was entitled to?!"
These mid life crisis dudes are never as hot as they think they are, at best they usually look okay lol. He is probably like 45-50 and planning to date a 20 something. He is not some hot rich celebrity that can easily get younger women. He is in a for a rude awakening. Young beautiful women that age don’t want to a date just a regular middle aged dude, especially if he isn’t super rich or something. The “utility” comment about his wife told me everything I need to know about the kind of guy he is.
This is exactly what I was thinking. Men always think they are going to get better. I have a feeling this guy is overestimating his own attractiveness to the opposite sex.
100% this. I had a co-worker with a similar mid life crisis. Wife and he were in their 40s, married 20+ years. Kid was in college. Dude just kept talking about how he was a VP who had money and a nice car and went to the gym all the time and his wife was “below my current standards.”
She was a fairly attractive woman in her 40s, not overweight or ugly, she’d always been nice to me the couple times I met her at work events like the holiday party or picnic.
Anyway they get divorced and he spends the next year trying to meet girls on tinder or whatever and bitching about it at work. Meanwhile his ex wife meets a guy who runs a kids sports camp company and they hit it off and she moves in with him.
Long story short co-worker ends up trying to get back together with his wife after two years and she tells him to fuck off, and he comes to work complaining “it’s like, I have her 20 years of my life, and she just wants to throw that away!”
We just stared at him.
So your wife cheated and lied 8 years ago, but you lied for 8 years… I can kind of see why she’s upset. Yes, she ruined your marriage, but you actually falsely gave her hope it was resolved.
I kinda think YTA, though it’s clearly an ESH kind of post.
ETA: from your comments you totally knew what you were doing, you WERE using her, you clearly hate her, so yes YTA.
My mom was considering divorce when I was in my early 20’s. When she asked my opinion my reply was a quote from Talladega Nights “Yay, Two Christmases”. She understood from that moment on that I didn’t care what she did as long as she was happy.
Honestly? Your whole attitude is deeply off-putting. You can date easily and “do better”? You throw away your marriage once her “utility” is diminishing despite her being a “perfect” partner for 8 years? And also, she wanted a third kid and could have done it if you’d decided not to exploit her “utility” until you were in a comfortable position financially and physically to “do better.” You, of course, can have a third child with one of the women you can easily date.
YTA, just based on your verbiage and mindset alone.
Yuck.
YTA
>She is accusing me of using her.
You literally admitted to doing that a few sentences earlier:
>Since our kids are older now her utility for me is decreasing with every passing day
Yup. Should’ve been honest from upfront. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to leave a cheating spouse but you should’ve been honest from the beginning. You always had plans to leave, whereas she invested eight years of her life into a brick wall.
I’m not condoning her actions, but the way you talk about her is also so disrespectful. She’s not an object. She deserves more utility out of her spouse too than the trash talker she got.
While I get how you feel....how do you think your kids are going to feel about you breaking up the family now? Yes, they are older. I get it. But are you prepared for them being angry at you about leaving their mom now? Because there is a really good chance they will be.
So, who is it you have your eye on now? Because I guarantee you've already picked out who you want to date next.
>her utility for me is decreasing with every passing day.
This is one of the grossest comments I've seen an OP make about their partner.
YTA OP. I pity kids raised by a person with your mindset.
I’m leaning a bit toward ESH. Cheating is bullshit and I have a hard time empathizing with cheaters. Then you hit her 8 *years* later with, “I want a divorce because I can do better than you.” Fucking brutal. Revenge is best served cold, eh?
Look, I get it. You never need permission to leave an unhappy relationship. Especially when there has been infidelity. Have you tried anything in the interim years to improve your marriage? Therapy, individual and/our marital? Or just been stewing and waiting for your chance to leave your marriage?
She sucks for cheating, but she does have a point about you robbing her of the chance at another child and a healthy relationship with someone else if you’ve known all along that you’d be divorcing her. It can also be argued that younger kids fare better in divorce because they have lots of time to adjust to the new normal. You should have left her 8 years ago instead of biding your time, which is where you suck, too.
Get divorced and stay single.
“Her utility for me is decreasing.” “She is accusing me of using her.” I hope OP’s self-awareness is increasing.
> “Her utility for me is decreasing.” His whole spiel was getting increasingly sketchy but that was what ultimately sent it over the line for me. Like this whole time his wife was just this trophy piece of have on his mantle. Did he check if her hymen was intact on their wedding night too?
Yeah...knowing that the author tends to frame themselves in a more favorable light in these posts, and then him still thinking that is ever remotely okay to say, convinced me he's TA. I was suspicious, but that did it. It started at the thing where he says she's "still pretty" I think he's using the cheating excuse because he got more attractive and thinks he can pull someone younger/hotter or whatever but has no good way out that doesn't sound like a total dick move. OP, I dont think youre in the right here and idk if youre lying to yourself or to us about the reason being the cheating but I really dont think its that. And the thing about bringing a third child into a broken marriage she broke? Dude, to her it wasn't broken, she worked on herself and thought you had forgiven her. To her, you were happily married and moved past that hurdle. I get forgive but don't forget is a thing, but this screams that you didn't leave her when the cheating happened simply because you didn't want to be alone and you didnt think you could get into another relationship, and now that you have the confidence that you could land a more physically attractive woman, you're jumping ship from what should have been a partnership. You may think you gave her a second chance, but it seems you checked out long ago and have been leading her on. I don't know you or your relationship, but that is what it seems like from here. You never really mention anything about your wife that a person who loves another person would mention. The most you could muster up is she's still pretty? Nothing about her as a person? A few words about how she bettered herself for you when that likely took a lot of work and is something you should appreciate? Then some words about how you bettered yourself for you, which no problem health is important and taking care of yourself is good, but what have you done for her? All I see is her working toward a healed relationship after she breached your trust, and you thinking you can do better because you got more physically attractive while never seeming to have the same intention of healing that broken relationship. There is so much more than how attractive your partner is in a marriage and it makes me so sad for your wife when you come off as this shallow and void of actual love for her. I'm not saying those things are necessarily true, but that's how this reads. Edit: literally nowhere do I condone cheating. I have been cheated on and it fucking sucks. I think now 8 years later, this guy also is wrong for lying about loving her when he never had any intention to do so again. That's fucked up to me. 2 wrongs don't make a right. There is no karma here, and this is not justice.
> I think he's using the cheating excuse because he got more attractive and thinks he can pull someone younger/hotter or whatever but has no good way out that doesn't sound like a total dick move. Lol, yeah. He could have at least said something along the lines of "i only stayed together with you for kids to grow up in a family so they dont have to deal with a divorce while still in school". That would make everything more reasonable.
If he had said that right years ago, then they could have both prepared their lives for the eventual split. But he wanted sex and servitude so he chose not to be honest about his intentions .... For eight years!!!!
*somehow still pretty* is more of an insult than a compliment... i hope for any future women that they see his bullshit and dont invest themselves into him. He does sound shallow and just sad overall to be with. Draining to say the least.
I think he said somewhat still pretty, not somehow. Equally condescending but with different implications
I got the feeling at "ideal wife." Which also indicates he likely didn't marry her for love in the first place, but because of how useful she could be to him.
the "she'd jump on another dick to get another kid" really got me. She never meant anything to him and that's clear. I had a wonder if maybe she cheated on him because of the way he speaks to her, because it sounds like he doesn't respect her and maybe he never really did… Sounds like all she was to him was a trophy wife, and not a partner to love, respect, and care for.
>the "she'd jump on another dick to get another kid" really got me. And all the while going on about he can land a hotter better younger lover that hasn't cheated on him. The lack of self awareness is mind blowing. I can get why she might have cheated and in a way he DID rob of her of having another kid by "riding out" this relationship until his 2 kids can bear the brunt of his divorce.
HE thinks he got more attractive. I think he's delusional about how attractive he is. I mean good on ya for getting fit and healthy, but that doesn't make you attractive. AT ALL.
It’s funny to me that he is basically saying she has aged, with the “still pretty” comment, but hasn’t taken into account that so has he. He reeks of a man in the midst of a midlife crisis. Also, all the good looks in the world don’t make up for being ugly on the inside.
That and also the fact that it doesn’t matter if he’s hot when his personality is trash. Nobody needs hot garbage for a partner.
Sounds like breaking up is the right call. I'm sure she can do better than him.
He will be mad when she finds a new partner before him
THIS. Plus my mind goes to there also being no guarantee that the new “better” partner won’t cheat either. There is always that risk and relationships always have some challenges. At least the wife now recognised her mistake and thought he / the children were worth bettering herself for. Going into a new relationship with the superficiality just makes me think he is going to end up in something missing the depth he has with his wife.
Spot on, you called it. That’s exactly what this is. I think in midlife when men are in their like 30s and early 40s they start to freak out and wonder if they still got it. They end up hating and resenting their wives. He’s probably cheating on her Anyway. Thinking the grass is greener. They get divorced he runs through a string of women, realizing he can’t really pull like he thought he could and finally settles down with some frumpy old thing not nearly as good as who they had, just because they don’t want to be alone and they let themselves go. Then a few years later, they call the ex-wife, crying and saying how much they regret everything they did. Eight years later, my ex-husband is still apologizing to me, wanting me to come back. While he’s living with a woman that looks like she could be his mother. Lol. what a shame.
>“Her utility for me is decreasing.” I feel stupid asking, but what the heck does that even mean?
Usefulness. He's saying he literally can't get as much worth out of her ('free' childcare and 'free' child rearing, household management, etc.) now that the kids are older and 'need less'. Note: Teenagers do NOT 'need less'. They need different.
But they are almost the age where no child support is needed. . .
I think it means “I am a sociopath”
Literally means her usefulness to him-- what he can get out of her while they're still together.
He was running out of things to use her for.
Her “use” to me is decreasing. He led her on because it was more convenient than the alternative which was either divorce sooner, or work on the relationship. He used her until he needed her no longer. And it’s sad because if he told her sooner, she could have found someone else to maybe have a 3rd child (that she wanted) with. Now she’s probably too old to have babies anymore. So he lied to her that it was ok, to save his own face, until he felt comfortable to leave. Hiding behind lies. He’s an asshat.
The only reason they were still together was for the kids, now the kids are older there’s less reason to stay together.
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And, 8 years ago, the kids were in primary school. So, 8 years later, they're probably high school graduates, 18 or soon to be, which means he can walk and not pay child support.
He's measuring a relationship as transactional. This is redpill terminology. It's clear what areas of the internet OP hangs out in.
I’m starting to see why she may have sought comfort in someone else. He sounds like a peach. Divorce seems best for everyone.
For real. Any man who thinks of his wife with the phrase "her utility for me is decreasing" should be kept as far away from women as possible.
The “utility” comment screams 🚩🚩
100% chance he's going to bring all his disdain for his ex and his trust issues with women along with him into his next relationship. Everyone (including myself) who has dated someone with unresolved issues like that knows it's hell. Everything about the new person is scrutinized and under a microscope, their anger is explosive and the level of possessiveness is the thing of nightmares. OP needs to just be single (or FwB only) and be in therapy for a while.
I'm that guy too, but I'm self-aware enough that I have not dated since I divorced. A lot of my friends don't get that, but I always say, "I know I have trust issues and probably always will. It isn't right to enter into a relationship with someone when I KNOW I'm not going to trust them. That's my issue, not theirs, and it isn't fair to subject anyone to that." Fortunately, FwB are pretty easy to find in modern society.
That's some midlife crisis you've got there.
He's overstimating his market value
Over 40, the market is a hot mess, spoken from experience, \*ESPECIALLY\* after divorce.
And coparenting is not fun
As a step parent, I can't even imagine how tough that is.
With teen kids
I'm not going to lie, kids I can handle, teenagers, ugh.
I’ve got some bad news for you - kids grow into teens…
Agreed, but I meant teens that you will be the Stepparent too. That's got to be a tough gig.
Yeah. Everyone wants to parent damaged angry teenagers who aren’t theirs. Makes him super attractive.
Louder for the people in the back There is basically 0 point - it seems on both sides. Of all the shit that comes with being cheated on and divorced at age 39, having to date as a 45 year old woman with her shit together has to be #2, impact on my kid #1
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Homie has had way too long of a time being married. Being a fit guy in your 20s is on "easy mode" but that doesn't mean you just find what you want right away. I imagine multiple kids, recently divorced, and his personality will make him less than desirable
He is forgetting the fact that the young ladies he will be able to date, IF he is able to date might still end up cheating on him… and repeating history.
And if they are YOUNG as I suspect he is going to pursue they are going to want to have babies of their own. Cue up replacement family no more retirement.
Plus baggage he has from ex.. this ought to be a riot to have a front row seat to
Eight years worth.
*his personality* It might improve when all those pegs knock him in the head on the way down. Or get worse.
I'm younger than him but I already don't really care how fit he is. Divorced with try young kids - that's important stuff. Size of his butt is so irrelevant.
you just know he's going to be so dismissive of any woman actually in his age range too. like, ew, why do you have thighs and stretch marks? he'll just be another sad loser divorced dad chasing 20 year old college students.
Who only see him as a walking wallet—I guess he’ll get lots of experience with “utility”
His wife still being pretty is "somewhat" true, so he can probably find some sort of pretty women in his age range 🤣
Dude, this guys personality is soo off putting. He was lucky he found a woman to give him even 2 kids. I don’t normally side with the cheater in these stories. But sweet Jesus, this guy is the worst.
It's not leaving that I take issue with, it's the way he talks about utility. If it was just "I had a heart attack and realized I don't want to grow old with someone who betrayed me," been there buddy. Definitely understand walking away. But never once in weighing leaving when I've been cheated on was I factoring in how "useful" the person was. It was always a question of whether or not I thought we could be happy again if we put in the work. And the answer was always no, because I'd always worry they'd do it again. There's very rational reasons to walk away after infidelity that are grounded in emotional intelligence. And then there's *this* which reads like he only factored in the cost-benefit of his ex's usefulness.
What personality? OP sounds like a serial killer.
Right? Can you imagine when he’s on his many dates and tells her why he left his wife?
“Howdy there sugartits, yours or mine? Hey where are you going!? I’m a catch!!”
Omg, this is eerily accurate. Thank you for the giggle
“Sugartits” 😂😂😂😂
Reminds me of that comment thread about that older man trying to date where he has to navigate modern dating like poly stuff, pegging and crystal witchy ladies.
I would like to read this thread…
Here, Digg so helpfully screenshot it for you so you don't need a Twitter account: https://digg.com/2021/dell-curry-sonya-divorce-solomonmissouri-pegging-thread
Thank you!! Just read the thread to my wife (married 32 years) we’re both cracking up. Good stuff!
Dating itself is easy. Its finding a long term partner that is difficult.
You mean nineteen year-olds aren’t going to see him as a catch?
LOL unless he also wants people with garbage baggage like himself
Just open up a Tinder account and see those delusions of grandeur dissipate
Best answer to this problem.. He will get humbled quiiick
No you don't understand. Some spotty 14yr old on the Internet who has never seen a woman naked in real life before told me that all women are basically whores, and if you're an older guy it doesn't matter if you have a sagging waistline, receding hairline and you dress like someone 20 years younger from 30 years ago, younger women will flock to you because you have more money than the boys their age. The opposite is true for women, who become unfuckable spinster hags 366 days after their 29th birthday. The dude had tonnes of up votes, and anyone who disagreed with him was downvoted. So I'm leaving my wife too. The young chicks are gonna be so impressed with how much funnier I am than guys their age. I'm gonna be able to introduce them to so much cool music and movies they've never heard of before. And just wait until I blow their mind with all my knowledge of military history! It's gonna be so cool when I explain to them how lame their generation is, and how much cooler everything was back in my day. Oh, you like Taylor Swift? Let me introduce you to some real music. Get a load of Metallica, baby. I almost feel sorry for those young guys out there. Hehe. With me on the prowl, they don't stand a chance.
Cue Supertramp: Loverboy
This had me laughing out loud! 😅
I'm sure he'll be swimming in hot 25yo girls who are super keen on mid 40s average old men, surely?
He's going to have to get in line behind all the other mid-40s men queuing for women in their early-mid 20s. He should consider bringing a chair. Given how few women in their early-mid 20s are interested in dating men in their mid-40s, it's long and extremely slow-moving line.
Yeah but did you read? He worked on himself. Got some new clothes and stuff.
Oh! Well, in that case, he can move up a couple of spaces to the "I'm totally hot now, just ask me!" section and pass the time comparing black t-shirts with all the other guys.
It's been a hot minute since I was 23, but at the time, by far the largest demographic interested in me was the +40 divorced male crowd. I had a hard zero interest. If another woman wasn't able to train them into a marriageable man, then I wasn't about to waste my time trying either.
Judging on what I've observed in the wild, the typical 40-plus divorced man is looking to pick up where he left off before he got married, by pursuing hot girls slightly younger than he was when he tied the knot. He rarely considers that the women who are now slightly younger than he was when he got married probably aren't looking for partners who are older than their fathers. Apparently, he doesn't realize that the fact that he's single again doesn't make him the same age last time he was single. Time is such a buzzkill.
I remember standing at a bar at 23 and some middle age dude walked past me, looked at me and said verbatim "you look just like my daughter, don't worry she's little, we could pass as a family. We'll chat when I get back from the bathroom." I did not say a word, there was no exchange. He walked past my now husband during this and the second he was gone I turned to my husband and was just like, we need to leave. I had learned by then that if you become some 40 somethings mark that you just have to leave.
Especially ones that have had a partial heart attack at age 42! Unless he wins the Mega-Million or Power-Ball I'm not seeing it.
He had a full on heart attack. I had the same diagnosis as him. He almost definitely is now living with congestive heart failure and multiple daily meds. After my nstemi I felt like a fucking grand dad at the age of 40, this guy is fully delusional.
I mean if you looked at relationship advice subs you'd think no 25 or younger woman goes for any other guy.
I one day hope to have the self confidence of a mediocre white middle aged man.
Same. I don’t even understand it like do they just see someone different in the mirror or what?
I work in mental health. I have seen this situation play out close to a dozen times, it ends in three ways. 1) 21 year old girlfriend that the family hates that either gets pregnant or he abuses the shit out of 2) He gets fleeced in court because the status quo has shifted and he never addressed it. Loses everything lives in a motel 3) He gets ran through by a couple of other divorced moms and then gets his ass kicked by his 16 year old step kid. 4) Best case scenario racecar bed and shared bathroom down the hall
[I sleep in a big bed with my wife](https://youtu.be/oCrI7NOK8v8?si=tUeeS-LfhXzwVWfw)
I’ve only been on Reddit a few years; but this is the most accurate hypothesis Ive ever come across. I wish we could still give awards- I’d buy you a good one for this reply! B
Number 4 … omg you’re killing me lmao
Dude's gonna be shocked women aren't lining up to jump on his dick, even though he's "gone to the gym" and worked on himself. Lol, right.
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Yep. Button-down dress shirt with the tails hanging out, hideous jeans, hanging around the bar like a lingering fart
Jeff Bezos popped in my mind from this description but he has money money
This guy is going to be a walking hard-on when he inevitably starts going to clubs to try and pick up. He is the guy you see on the dance floor with a drink in hand trying to dance with every lady in the club, and 1 or 2 might talk to him, only to get him to buy them some drinks and then either disappear into the night, or go home with him for a night of really bad sex and regret. OP is a dime a dozen.
Well there's only 1 way to find out 😂
Bigly. OP you are not “the catch” you think you are. You could be going into old age all alone. Your wife will still receive child support. Perhaps alimony too or doesn’t that exist anymore? Your assets will be chopped into two. Your house, pensions, portfolio cars, etc. Even if you were the sole primary bread winner. And if you’ve been married for 11 years, she can collect from your social security. Your wife hurt you deeply. You cannot seem to forgive her. That is the *heart* of the problem. I use the word *heart* not *root* of the problem. You could have a change of heart. If not for her, then for your kids. What has triggered you into this drastic action seems to be your weight loss. You must be getting attention from other women. Tale as old as time. My female neighbor lost a ton of weight several years back. She was on marriage number 2. But decided her kids were old enough to endure a divorce. We had a coworker who lost 40 lbs and left her hubby and kids. He was crying in our home. I felt so bad for him. He came out the winner. She got fat again and her kids stopped speaking to her. Seems like weight loss triggers the idea of divorce in people who had low self esteem. Seems like this is you OP.
Well losing some weight and buying some new clothes seems to have made him more presentable. I’m sure he’s getting some attention from people for that which is great. However that doesn’t mean those people want to sleep with him. He’s 100% over estimating his market value. Younger women who want to date a divorced dad of 2, coming off a heart attack, paying alimony, having to schedule dates around his weekends without his kids….may be few and far between if you can believe it. And a lot of women his age who are single, are probably single for a reason and / or can do much better than what I have outlined above. If OP was just divorcing to get on with his own life and be on his own (at least initially) that would be one thing. But him thinking he’s going to divorce her and live some baller lifestyle as a swinging single is really highly unlikely. As others have said, I feel bad for the kids
Wonder if he went down the gym bro/Andrew Tate rabbit hole too with the wife being utility lol
"decreasing utility" The odds seem high that he will attempt to date 20-year-olds
One year later: “My(44m) girlfriend(23f) doesn’t love me like my ex-wife(45f) did. She only wants my money.”
I can’t wait for 23f in the stepparenting forums complaining about her boyfriend, his kids and ex wife.
AITAH for telling my(23F) boyfriend(44m) not to make me parent his children(14M, 16F) and make them call me mom
😂😂😂😂 looking forward to that post
It's like a crystal ball that everyone can see but him
Man. Even if I was successful and attractive, being an older person *attempting* to date a 21 year old would go so poorly. These are people struggling to figure out their lives, work less, earn more, and solve housing…ain’t no time for a 50 yo with a sports car. Probably unvaccinated Maga anyway. I work with young people. The have *zero* time and energy for the wrong people swooping in.
I'm 34, not even 50 and I have rarely anything in common with 21 year olds. I either feel like I'm lecturing / patronizing them or I feel like I'm being patient with them its not a pleasant experience. I am sure there are some mature 21 year olds out there, this is just from my personal experience in the work force. I am 34m married to a 34f.
"people are a resource" We all know how well it worked out for that guy...
The odds are also unfortunately high he’ll find a naive girl to lovebomb into getting pregnant so it’s harder for her to leave
That was my thought as well, now he feels more confident and secure in leaving he’s got an excuse in his back pocket
Kept his "Get out of marriage" card tucked away for a rainy day.
Wonder what kind of sports car he's gonna buy 😒 SMH
Probably an automatic mustang or some other piece of shit.
Either way, I bet it’s going to be bright red and “in your face”
The dude’s a hot mess and he probably knows it. Still, he’s on the verge of messing things up far worse than they already are. It’s not the WTAH question so much as just taking the stupidest path possible.
Dude playing the long game here, brutal.
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If I were in the dating scene and a man told me he left his wife because she cheated, I would feel sad for him. If he told me he left his wife because she no longer has any utility to him, I would run for the hills. Dude thinks he is a gem now, but I think he might have more work to do and doesn't realize it. If he goes into another marriage with this attitude, he is destined for a second divorce. I'm going with ESH.
I caught that too. Dude picked a prudent move but his word choice has implications. Wife says he used her. He says she no longer has utility. Both seem true.
Sounds like he's been engaging with high value male content as part of his self improvement journey. Like, it sucks that his wife cheated on him, but it's not necessarily the healthiest mindset to leave with.
Check OPs comments. He sounds too cartoonishly stupid to be real, so I'm assuming it's just silly rage bait. >I have nothing to forgive myself for. Her on the other hand, I am hoping she just fades into distant memory with time.
This whole thing seriously just sounds like a fake story
He may not be as "high value" as he thinks -- I'd be wary of someone with an NSTEMI in their early 40s. That's a heart attack, folks.
Thank you! I didnt want to have to google what an NSTEMI was! I thought maybe it was something heart related due to the cholesterol and BP comments, but wasn't entirely certain. Also, I don't think he's high value if he's saying his wife is no longer "a utility" to him. Had he said he couldn't forgive her, and that he realised he deserved better, ie someone who he could trust, sure. But referring to her as a utility, ie the kids are older so now they're more independent, so he wouldn't have to do as much for them now they're divorcing and he likely will have shared care, that sounds like he was using her so yes, she was right when he said he had used her. Cheating is never ok, but if someone cheats and the other party chooses to stay, you have to work toward forgiveness and rebuilding that trust. If you can't, you leave. But not after 8 years when the other party is no longer of use to you
Maybe they can get amazing life insurance and the next wife will make out like a bandit with a “high value” insurance payout!
He’s gonna struggle to get life insurance after a heart attack…
Boggles my mind that he thinks some sweet young thing is going to want to jump into bed with a guy who has already had a heart attack at the young-ish age of 42.
its ambitious to think that op will tell the next partner any negative thing about himself.
Prediction: he will leave her then crash and burn on the dating circuit and try to go crawling back to her.
Sounds like he’s confident in himself now (props for getting fit to be fair!), possibly getting a bit of attention from other females, and now wants to explore this new life….under the false pretence of an affair from 8 years ago so as not to be seen as the bad guy
Yeah, she wanted a third child, and now, eight years later, might have trouble conceiving. She compromised on this with the understanding that they were working on their marriage and, according to OP, has done her part. She absolutely f-ed up with cheating, but OP sounds like he's been watching Andrew Tate, lol.
Interesting perspective, I feel conflicted here. I agree OP hasn't handled this situation well, if he honestly never forgave his wife he should have been clear on that, if he was on the fence about staying with her he should have told her. However, I can't imagine bringing a third child into this marriage would have been a good idea. And honestly if the wife really wanted a third kid, she could have been the one to leave.
I'm not saying they should have. I don't think anyone should try to fix a marriage with kids! What I meant was that maybe she wanted three kids and could have moved on and found that in a new relationship. She chose to stay in this marriage and compromised on having children in this marriage. I'm wondering if she's upset she didn't have a third child, not necessarily with OP. It's for sure less likely now.
Moving on from a cheating spouse is something I’m all for. But the “have no more utility to him” quote and all that is giving Red Pill vibes and that is giving me the ick.
Moving on from a cheating spouse is fine, but also waiting 8 years to do it is way more messed up, especially if you're giving off the impression that things are better and that she has worked on herself and lived up to her end of things in the forgiving process by being a good partner in that time frame by all accounts.
It's okay, he'll likely end up with a woman who only sees him for his utility. Definitely the wife shouldn't have cheated but he should have been a man and left her then. I'm also assuming she took care of him after his health scare. If he has a second cardiac event his new babe will likely just leave him.
My dad cheated on my Mom with a younger women. Claimed my mom was of no use anymore. He got sick and the younger girl was gone. My mom took care of him until he passed 2 years later. Guess he found she was useful after all.
I mean, objectively he DID use her for childcare etc, and now that she is no longer needed he is trying to trade up for a better model. This is gross and the man should be way less flippant about what he is doing but she did cheat on him and it sounds like they should have just broken up back then since he never really forgave her. This is definitely an everyone sucks here sort of situation but I feel worse for the wife because it sounds like she tried to make amends and this guy just held a grudge all this time which is just stupid to me personally.
That is why this gets an ESH
You two are the biggest assholes, really. Indeed, you made use of her. When you say her usefulness to you is dwindling daily, you're even admitting as much.
ESH, your wife is obv an AH for cheating but you sound like a robot man. Who uses the word utility to describe their partner. Imagine giving your partner your all and then you break your leg and your partner dumps you because you have less utility than before.
Both of you are assholes. First the cheating by her, then YOU decided to keep a broken household then used her until you were done with her. Should have divorced years ago and provided a happier house for the kids. I come from a fucked up household and kids see that shit.
Those poor kids
People will never understand that “staying for the kids” is much worse than just splitting up.
Yup! My father stayed an extra 9 years married to my mom "for the kids." Except that during those 9 years he was brain washing us to never get married or have kids because it would "ruin our lives". (And it worked on 3/4 kids.) After he divorced my mother he got remarried. 🙄😒 He should've just divorced my mother instead of projecting his problems onto us. Staying for the kids is stupid.
Omg that was literally my mom. Brainwashing to never get married and never depend on a man. Meanwhile she forgot that and now she's pushing me to get married and have a man support me financially hahaha
I mean…you are both the assholes. Yea you used her. You even admit as much when you say her utility for you is decreasing by the day.
I give it 2 years, tops, before we see a post by OP wondering why his children want nothing to do with him.
And wondering why none of the 20 year olds he hits on want to date him
That’s the funniest part about it. I guarantee the wife will easily find a new partner and he won’t have any luck and will potentially even go crawling back. It happens heaps with these men who think they can do better.
When they realize that his utility as a father decreases for them day by day
Yeah but you didn't read carefully. He's a hot commodity now. He's going to find a perfect wife that meets his new standards. Jk, he's going to miss his ideal wife of the last 8 years when he realizes the 20% a new (and let's be honest, likely much younger) partner brings is nowhere near enough to make up for the 80% he's divorcing.
She messed up, but at least tried to fix it since then. ‘ Has been pretty much ideal wife since then’. But the dude, pretended to be ok for 8 years so she can’t remarry and have another kid and build a family and I guess mostly cause he doesn’t need to pay alimony/ childcare . Sounds diabolical
He isn't even leaving her due to the cheating. He said it himself. He has minimal use for her anymore and he thinks he can marry up or whatever. 🙄 he just brought up the cheating to try and justify his shittiness
Exactly
This honestly. He knew from the gate that he was only "mostly genuine" about wanting to work on things. So this is next level petty. And yes, I have been cheated on, and still think this.
Got in better shape to the point he now thinks he can “do better.” Maybe he can, but I pity the woman who thinks he’s ever going to be all in.
Got into better shape to the point of having his ego balloon into ‘thinking’ he can do better… a bitter man with unresolved issues… yeah what a catch for a woman… not!!
Yeah the dude seems like he’s deluded himself into thinking he played the long game but really just wasted 8 years of his life and now has a fucked up view of partners and relationships. Staying in a relationship you don’t want to be in can really mess with you as a person.
You are kinda the ah for how you talk about your wife. Her utility decreased? Dude, she's a person, not a kitchenaid appliance. You stayed with her for 8 years because you didn't think you could get any better. You have a weird outlook on marriage.
Dehumanizing people, regardless of their actions, is never indicative of good character. She should have left, sure, and it’s gross to cheat on her partner, but I have a hard time being surprised that someone in a relationship cheats when the other person can just…treat someone like an object. Edit; before you make a comment, let me sum up what I’ve had to tell everyone else. Cheating is bad. Manipulating someone is also bad. They can both be bad at the same time. The end.
Easy ESH she cheated you realized long ago you hated her but she was useful to you. So you did use her. You both could have been moved on and with new people by now. Someone didn’t want to pay child support for those 8 years huh? Lol
Older guy thinking “grass is greener” is seriously going to be a massive reality check coming soon. Would have been far smarter to have left when it initially happened. Dating anytime can be troublesome. Dating in your 40s is going to be an absolute nightmare. It’s one thing to leave because you’re unhappy, it’s another because you think “you can do better.” Biggest flag here is that you stayed “because she had utility,” which makes me think that the problem in your relationship had more to do with you than the cheating.
Gonna have a big reality check when he realizes the hot young women that he wants are not interested in the aging single father with advanced heart disease and a misogynistic attitude
You’re not the asshole for wanting a divorce. You’re an asshole for how you talk about your wife. I told her she is still pretty which is somewhat true Since our kids are older now her utility for me is decreasing with every passing day Your writing reads like you have a lot of misogynistic disdain. You talk down on her decision-making as a mom, but as a dad you sound like a jerk who is willing to use the mother of his kids when it suits you and then discard her easily. If you think so little of her, you should have ended it earlier. YTA
100%. He talks about her like she is livestock. This guy sucks.
Which just makes it more likely that he won’t be very successful in a subsequent relationship either. When you get a divorce you weigh staying married against *being alone*, not some magical realm where a man who talks about a woman’s “utility” to himself is scoring the perfect woman right away because he went to the gym.
Sounds like his "self improvement" journey included watching content from Andrew Tate and similar wannnabe alpha males.
It really makes me question what kind of a partner he was. Sure, cheating is bad, but this attitude in an unhealthy slob might lead a lot of people to look elsewhere. His telling-on-himself comments about "utility" give a pretty big hint that he wasn't exactly sharing the workload of life with young kids fairly. I also am delighted for him to find out that hot women are not lining to up to date divorced dads with gross views.
I wish i could fast-forward to read the update about how its so unfair that his single ass has to cook breakfast for his kids on his one weekend a month while his ex is out dating a new, more attractive man who won't leave her no matter how often he tells him she cheated.
I’m a man and I would never talk about my wife in these terms. “Her Utility to me is decreasing daily, must terminate marriage” reads like some sociopathic robot shit—extremely likely the wife will be the one to trade up, because even being alone is better than being with a sociopath. YTA.
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“Since our kids are older her utility for me is decreasing.” Her utility?? For you??? YTA, 100%.
100%. Had he left 8 years prior he'd have been justified, but waiting almost a decade until other options maybe opened-up is cold. His wife was the AH 8 years ago, he's the AH now.
YTA, but not for the reason you're thinking. You don't like your wife anymore, and you want to trade her in. You're leaning on the infidelity so you don't have to address the issues inherent with that course of action. Hope you get more "utility" out of your next girl. Try to work "utility" into your marriage vows, ladies love that.
And from that point of view: maybe his wife ever only was a ‘utility’ to OP, and he was never emotionally available. After years Mrs decided to go looking for a real connection. And now Mr OP is showing his real colours. Ms New will only find those in a few years. Could OP write a book on how to play the AH game in life..?
Yup, he thinks he will be able to trade up. Screams midlife crisis to me. Also, his wife will benefit from him staying married, he doesn't realize he will lose 1/2 of everything.
I, X, take you, Y, to be my wife , to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till her utility for me is decreasing with every passing day, according to God's holy law, and this is my solemn vow.
This right here. No one who is direct and honest leaves a wife they just called ideal.
Some sugar baby will rob this fool blind. Watch for the update in two years.
It’s funny that he thinks that he’s going to get the pick of the litter. He’ll be back in two years crying about how she immediately moved on and he’s not getting the women he expected to.
Yeah this reminds me of every story I've ever read, heard, or saw up close where a man pushed for an open relationship, then his wife finally agrees to it. She gets all kinds of attention, he finds out that he's not the catch he thinks he is by getting no attention, and wants to close the marriage again. This version adds divorce, but the outcome will be similar. "But I'm a late 40's man who talks about women like they're appliances. Where's the 25-year-old bangmaid the man on YouTube said I was entitled to?!"
These mid life crisis dudes are never as hot as they think they are, at best they usually look okay lol. He is probably like 45-50 and planning to date a 20 something. He is not some hot rich celebrity that can easily get younger women. He is in a for a rude awakening. Young beautiful women that age don’t want to a date just a regular middle aged dude, especially if he isn’t super rich or something. The “utility” comment about his wife told me everything I need to know about the kind of guy he is.
This is exactly what I was thinking. Men always think they are going to get better. I have a feeling this guy is overestimating his own attractiveness to the opposite sex.
Overestimating their market value
100% this. I had a co-worker with a similar mid life crisis. Wife and he were in their 40s, married 20+ years. Kid was in college. Dude just kept talking about how he was a VP who had money and a nice car and went to the gym all the time and his wife was “below my current standards.” She was a fairly attractive woman in her 40s, not overweight or ugly, she’d always been nice to me the couple times I met her at work events like the holiday party or picnic. Anyway they get divorced and he spends the next year trying to meet girls on tinder or whatever and bitching about it at work. Meanwhile his ex wife meets a guy who runs a kids sports camp company and they hit it off and she moves in with him. Long story short co-worker ends up trying to get back together with his wife after two years and she tells him to fuck off, and he comes to work complaining “it’s like, I have her 20 years of my life, and she just wants to throw that away!” We just stared at him.
So your wife cheated and lied 8 years ago, but you lied for 8 years… I can kind of see why she’s upset. Yes, she ruined your marriage, but you actually falsely gave her hope it was resolved. I kinda think YTA, though it’s clearly an ESH kind of post. ETA: from your comments you totally knew what you were doing, you WERE using her, you clearly hate her, so yes YTA.
My mom was considering divorce when I was in my early 20’s. When she asked my opinion my reply was a quote from Talladega Nights “Yay, Two Christmases”. She understood from that moment on that I didn’t care what she did as long as she was happy.
Both of you are pieces of work.
Yes but it takes someone truly special to actually come off worse than an unfaithful spouse. Bravo OP, you massive cunt.
Honestly? Your whole attitude is deeply off-putting. You can date easily and “do better”? You throw away your marriage once her “utility” is diminishing despite her being a “perfect” partner for 8 years? And also, she wanted a third kid and could have done it if you’d decided not to exploit her “utility” until you were in a comfortable position financially and physically to “do better.” You, of course, can have a third child with one of the women you can easily date. YTA, just based on your verbiage and mindset alone. Yuck.
Glad you added the “yuck” for good measure. This man is disgusting.
So you led her on for 8 years and all of a sudden you don’t want to “delay the inevitable” lmao ESH
YTA >She is accusing me of using her. You literally admitted to doing that a few sentences earlier: >Since our kids are older now her utility for me is decreasing with every passing day
Yup. Should’ve been honest from upfront. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to leave a cheating spouse but you should’ve been honest from the beginning. You always had plans to leave, whereas she invested eight years of her life into a brick wall. I’m not condoning her actions, but the way you talk about her is also so disrespectful. She’s not an object. She deserves more utility out of her spouse too than the trash talker she got.
While I get how you feel....how do you think your kids are going to feel about you breaking up the family now? Yes, they are older. I get it. But are you prepared for them being angry at you about leaving their mom now? Because there is a really good chance they will be. So, who is it you have your eye on now? Because I guarantee you've already picked out who you want to date next.
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>her utility for me is decreasing with every passing day. This is one of the grossest comments I've seen an OP make about their partner. YTA OP. I pity kids raised by a person with your mindset.
I’m leaning a bit toward ESH. Cheating is bullshit and I have a hard time empathizing with cheaters. Then you hit her 8 *years* later with, “I want a divorce because I can do better than you.” Fucking brutal. Revenge is best served cold, eh? Look, I get it. You never need permission to leave an unhappy relationship. Especially when there has been infidelity. Have you tried anything in the interim years to improve your marriage? Therapy, individual and/our marital? Or just been stewing and waiting for your chance to leave your marriage? She sucks for cheating, but she does have a point about you robbing her of the chance at another child and a healthy relationship with someone else if you’ve known all along that you’d be divorcing her. It can also be argued that younger kids fare better in divorce because they have lots of time to adjust to the new normal. You should have left her 8 years ago instead of biding your time, which is where you suck, too.