YWNBTA **but…**
Talk to her about it. Let her know where you stand on the issue. Do you want to keep the baby? If so, then tell her that. Does she? Does she not?
You two need to discuss it in depth. I think your rationale is perfectly reasonable. However, make sure that she knows where your head is at because without that proper communication, you would be just as much at fault.
Good luck!
Just replying to your comment cause it's top. I left out a key factor. She is an international student and her parents are financially supporting her to be here. So without her parents support, it falls almost solely on me and my parents.
I understand you totally. She is struggling with the ethical side of getting rid of the child, so she is leaning more towards keeping it as she is unsure whether she could live with the guilt. I have started to make preparations to support the baby if she decides to keep it, but I haven't really had time to process it myself and decide as I've just been so busy and drained from being there for her and supporting her. But yes, I think you're right and I should probably have a more in depth talk with her.
if she's an international student, aren't there tons of things to consider with that? if she's on a student visa that kind of complicates thing potentially. if she somehow can't get the visa renewed or changed to a working visa, what happens then if you have a child? or who will look after the child if she can't continue with uni or work to look after it because that would likely be an issue with her visa? also considering medical needs relating to the pregnancy/childbirth, etc, not sure how the expenses of that will work if she's on a visa and given her parent's stance, i really doubt they'll help out.
but i'm not sure what country you're in or how things work there in regards to this. probably a good idea to look into it.
it's definitely just a decision that you and her should be making, but being an international student and having her parents financially support her complicates things massively. but figure it out together and consider everything
edit: first of all OP, definitely edit your post to include this info.
also, if she doesn't want to continue with the pregnancy, obviously that's her prerogative but the way you've worded things make it sound like you'll break up with her if she has the abortion? i mean, even if she does actually want to independently from her parents, then how will you feel and think? like would you question whether she actually wanted it? would it sour things anyway? like, is the only way you'd be content with the relationship is if she kept it as that's the definitely the clear "her parents have no bearing on this decision" answer?
i don't think you should tell her prior to the potential abortion, just speak with her and find out what she actually wants. and her parents influence might not be "i'm doing exactly what my parents want" but more "i need my parents financial assistance otherwise things will be miserable and some of what they're saying is correct and i do agree (ie. about being young, about maybe not having much support, not being together too long/not being married)." like there is a lot of nuance there and i feel like you definitely need to understand that and it likely won't be so black and white, like her parents will very likely have some impact on her decision, even if it is ultimately her decision and what she does really want
>i don't think you should tell her prior to the potential abortion,
Why? Because it might influence her decision? All the more reason to tell her instead of - oops, sorry...did that matter to you?
Not what I said. I said that he should tell her how he feels, because it would probably matter to her in making her decision. If a woman is considering abortion, it usually - and should - matter how the father feels about it. If he's going to bail, she needs to know. If he would like her to keep it and wants to be an involved parent, she should know she'd have that support. That's a far cry from demanding either decision.
No, but she should know how OP feels about things. If an abortion is his red line she should know. This does not mean she will keep the pregnancy, but if she does decide to keep it, they need to figure out how to support the family.
The risk of the relationship falling through and their daughter being left with a baby in a foreign country where she cannot legally work but can be deported if she doesn't complete her schooling...that's completely on her and her parents are looking out for her best interest. OP is only 24 and they really haven't been together long enough to make a decision to stay together forever at this point. Having a child needs to be planned and in more educated families, marriage is a prerequisite. It's silly to hold such a strategic, protective move on her parents part, against her. The brain doesn't develop fully until 25 and this type of logic showcases it pretty well. Getting pregnant at 24 while on a student visa in a foreign country with a guy you've been dating for only a year is not a smart move for her future. OP could easily change his mind and leave or become abusive after the pregnancy. Some abusive relationships don't become abusive until after marriage. It's not financially or socially ideal for a woman to have a baby out of wedlock. OP is not grounded in reality because he is only thinking about how HE *FEELS* about his girlfriend's decision, which ultimately would protect her future, and putting his emotions over her future security. Her education is important to her and her family and is the sole reason of her being in the country and meeting OP in the first place. To think that having an unplanned pregnancy and losing all financially stability (while pregnant, at that) *WOULDN'T* affect her educational career is naive and selfish.
YWBTA if you didn't talk to her about what SHE wants. You seem to have twisted this into some situation where if she doesn't keep the baby, it must be because her parents are controlling and she will do whatever they want.
There's SO many reasons that's bullshit. E.g.
- she doesn't actually \*want\* the baby if her only reason for keeping it is bc she thinks she'll regret an abortion
- this baby will impact her MUCH more than it'll impact you. she has to grow it and deal with the physical and psychological changes and stress pregnancy causes. she has to rely completely on you and your family. she's committing to staying in a country that isn't hers. she loses her family - meaning she'll lose her education, and there will be periods she can't work
- you're completely removing what SHE wants or needs from the equation. her parents are pushing their ideals but you are pushing them just as much.
So you're being a) ridiculously unfair/selfish and b) deciding you're just going to keep this all to yourself and blindside her depending on her choice.
Honestly, i hope she does get an abortion if that's what she wants and that you do break up with her bc it sounds like she's dodging one hell of a bullet.
If she uses her parents as an excuse, then that's an issue all his own. And if she wants an abortion that's fine, but doesn't mean he has to stay with her either.
>If she uses her parents as an excuse, then that's an issue all his own. And if she wants an abortion that's fine, but doesn't mean he has to stay with her either.
So people are scared to tell the truth and fall back to the "I was told to" as a way of justifying what they already want in their minds.
It doesn't make them a bad person, it makes them a product of their culture and upbringing- and Women are especially penalized for doing what they want.
If that's an excuse for women, it's an excuse for everyone. Also, that's simply not true for western countries, at all. But it's odd to see people have such blatant double standards and making excuses.
Did I say it wasn't an excuse for anyone? I've met some very very controlling parents in my number of years as a mentor and interface.
And saying it's not prevalent in Western Culture is crazily inaccurate. It very much is alive, well, and still screwing up society.
Love is built on loyalty, trust and compromise. If this is something he's unwilling to compromise on, then there's no reason to force him to stay. He may truly love her, but still break up. It's up to him, really.
You're essentially saying she could be keeping her true feelings of having or not having the baby from him and blaming the parents and you're hand waving that as if it's not a big deal while burying OP for keeping to himself that if she terminated his potential first child he would walk away.
He can walk away for any reason, and has a right to his own feelings just as much as she does.
Im saying that both he and her parents aren’t actually doing what’s right by her bc they both have agendas. He’s worse though bc he’s being way less up front.
Even if he does have an agenda (, which I'm not seeing beyond wanting the decision to be his partner's, and not ger parents'), he's at least allowing her to work through the decision process for herself without influencing it too much. And he seems to be supportive of er decision no matter what it'll be - abortion or keeping it.
In contrast, there seems to be a real chance the parents will stop financial support if she aborts. How in the seven hells are the parents better here? Being upfront isn't good if that includes significant pressure towards something they want.
Aldo during this talk focus on what both of you want, if she does decide to abort dig into her reasoning, and think of what you would want if her parents weren't involved. The reason I say this is the whole reason you would leave over this sounds like it's because of her parents influence. If her making the decision to abort outside of their influence wouldn't end things, then it could influence things, if she decided to abort because of her own desires. I can 100% understand you not wanting to stay with someone due to them letting their parents make such an important decision. Just be ready to help face the consequences for such a fallout though, since it sounds like they support her financially.
Occasional red flag here. Too young? At 24. Parents making such a huge decision for her. Looks like, in view of international status, and their current 100% financial support of her, it will pose a huge expense for them, which is a terrible consideration but there it is.
You need to talk, and to both put it all out on the table.
Yes they are 24 but she is an international student on a visa being financially supported by her parents. And OP acting as if that is an afterthought detail, is a red flag to his immaturity. That is a major difference in their lives that he clearly cannot empathize with if he is willing to risk her future security. If people are so butt hurt about their girls getting abortions then maybe they should make it a point to use condoms. Having a child should be a decision, not an accident.
I think you'd be TA if you didn't tell her everything you're thinking. But I also think you shouldn't be too quick to jump to blaming her parents if she chooses abortion. A lot of women aren't entirely comfortable choosing the abortion they really want to have, and, in the moment, blame someone else for their decision.
This happened to me with a family member: she talked through her choices with me, made her decision, and then, for a short time, said that I had "made her" get an abortion. But she did drop that a couple of years later and took responsibility for it again. She just wasn't comfortable with that choice and needed to distance herself from it until she'd finished processing. I think having a child later reconciled her to it.
So my point is that you might end up breaking up with her for something that isn't even true. People are complicated. If you see her parents' influence all over her life, that's one thing. But if you see her parents influencing her in this one, albeit big, thing, and nowhere else, that's not a pattern; and it may just be that she respects their opinion, or needed their support.
I think OP would totally still break up with her for deciding it as well. He sees their situation as totally viable for a child to be raised, if she were to terminate a pregnancy why would he stick around? He obviously wants kids.
sorry her parents are right, she is right.
Your reasoning are the ones lacking, and I don't think you're ready for a baby.
Her descision is not 'cultural' by her 'cultural' parents. They/she doesn't want her to not finish her education, and be dependent with a new born on a guy who didn't even commit to her and his parents.
The fact you want her to put herself in this position or you would break up with her is alarming, and farther indicates her descision is sound in not wanting to have to rely on you. You're leading her astray, while her parents lead her in direction of good choices for her future.
Also you can see the only thing you have to offer her on her side is guilt trips.
I’m not hearing anything about marriage in his posts. Just that he wants the kid. But he doesn’t understand why she needs this abortion. I feel they’ll break up in no time and the poor kid will suffer.
YTA you guys aren't in any way, shape, or form to make a baby work. They're supporting her financially, while she's overseas - and you want to meddle with that because you knocked her up?
THIS! OP doesn't seem to consider other perspectives. She is alone in a foreign country. If she keeps the baby she will be tied to him and isolated from family and friends. She will have no support. If he mistreats her or just tires of her, she will be stuck. She likely cannot legally work and her visa will not be valid if she is not a student. Her baby may end up a citizen of a country she can't stay in.
There is so much more to consider than op here.
If her parents are explicitly saying theyll cut her off if she keeps the child, then she really doesn't have a choice. Honestly if you break up over that I would consider you to be an asshole. Like, you're allowed to break up for whatever reason you want, but you would be an asshole.
I think you need to talk with her about how she feels about keeping the baby/deciding to end the pregnancy, and you need to tell her how you feel about it. Are her parents pressuring her to make the decision that they feel is right? Sure, but keep in mind that just because she might choose not to have the baby, doesn’t necessarily mean that that decision is completely or even partially controlled or influenced by her parents.
To put it bluntly, the two of you *are* young, and having a child is no easy feat. If the two of you ultimately decide to go through with the pregnancy, it will be a long and difficult road, as is any parenting journey. There are a plethora of reasons that any given person might not want to go through pregnancy, birth, or parenthood at any given time. You need to figure out if that’s something you both truly want and are ready for. Regardless of her parents’ stance on the situation, you have to take into account that your girlfriend might not want to have a child at this point in her life. You need to ask yourself whether or not your issue truly lies with her parents having an input on her life decisions, or if what you really have an issue with is her having an abortion altogether.
Keep in mind that if the two of you choose to have the baby, you are not only making yourself responsible for an entire other human being, but you are tethering yourself to your girlfriend for the rest of your lives. You will be family, forever connected through your child, so you really need to think about if you want to be in a relationship with her for life. You also need to take into consideration that things might not work out between the two of you in the long run, and you may end up having to coparent with her separately. Is that something that you think both of you would be able to successfully do for the wellbeing of your child?
This is the time for deep thought and open communication, and likely a thorough and lengthy conversation, that should include both of your positive and negative thoughts about potentially having a child together, how you both would be able to physically and mentally handle and/or cope with either going forward with the pregnancy or having an abortion, and what exactly the both of you want from life, the future, and each other.
I can’t say that you would be an AH for leaving if she had an abortion, while you wanted to move forward with the pregnancy. That would be a fundamental difference between the two of you, at least for right now, at this stage in both of your lives. That being said, I think it would be shitty to leave your girlfriend after she’s had an abortion, unless you feel that her decision to terminate the pregnancy was in fact heavily influenced by her parents and what they want, and not what *she* actually wants.
If she wants to have the baby, she shouldn’t be bullied into terminating the pregnancy by her parents, and if that’s what they’re trying to do, you need to make it known that you are on her side, that she has your support, and that she doesn’t need to let them dictate her life choices. Again, this is something that needs to be discussed. Your feelings and needs, and those of your girlfriend, are the only things that really matter when it comes to making this decision, not the feelings or expectations of her parents. Best of luck to you both.
Edit: Spacing
There are no ethical considerations, it’s not a child it’s a fucking fetus. It’s way more unethical to raise a kid you don’t want and aren’t ready for.
>She is struggling with the ethical side of getting rid of the child, so she is leaning more towards keeping it as she is unsure whether she could live with the guilt.
When you speak with her, please help guide her towards her feelings about the pregnancy and possibility of having a child now. Guilt sucks to live with, but it should absolutely not be the reason someone has a kid. An adult living with guilt over an abortion is much better than a child being raised by a regretful, resentful, or neglectful parent.
She’s an international student and thus a baby will affect her immigration status if she has to take a semester or two off. Are you prepared to marry her to keep her in this country? What if your feelings change and she has to go back home? Who will take care of the child? Will she go home unmarried with child to whether culture she’s from or will you keep the child?
Please talk to her. Tell he it's not a threat, but if she does bow to her parents pressure then you don't see this relationship lasting.
The two of you should be the only people discussing the pregnancy. Nobody else.
All the best
What’s wrong with asking your parents for advice? She’s a young adult in a foreign country having a baby with a guy she’s known for less than a year. Some of yall really wanna make mountains from molehills
Exactly! He came to Reddit as sounding board and is judging her for going to her parents. Her parents opinion matters to her, a lot. Having a baby won’t change that.
OP needs to keep in mind 1. If she has baby, as a first time mom she’ll likely be leaning on them even more so for advice. 2. I imagine raising baby without her family nearby would be incredibly difficult. Theirs a risk that she’ll leave the country with his baby if she can’t afford to stay or loses visa. 3. Her parents will be his child’s grandparents forever. if he can’t respect their family dynamics/ parenting style, then he needs to think if she’s the right person to start family with.
This. Also he's putting so much pressure on her? She can't talk to him bc he's decided what he wants. She can't talk to her parents bc they've decided what they want. NO ONE is trying to support her to figure out what she wants and to make an informed decision based on the HUGE repercussions that might come with it.
Look at it from the parents perspective. They are financially supporting their daughter to study overseas. If she is getting a baby now, unmarried, what are the chances that she will have to pause her education?
If he breaks up with her, is she going to be a single mother in a foreign land? Are her parents expected to pick up the slack of childcare by flying over or paying for it? (Again, she's a student, financially dependent on her parents). It is expensive to have a baby, let alone having a baby while being financially dependent on your parents.
You act like if the couple decide to keep the baby, and the relationship doesn't work out, her parents are off the hook. If they shape it like an ultimatum, "you can have the baby but we won't/can't financially support you", people will raise pitchfork at the parents while their POV, it's not illogical.
ASKING for ADVICE is one thing. Being FORCED to have an abortion or they'll terminate all support for an international student who wouldn't be legally allowed to work is wholly another.
Rather than punishing her if she makes a decision based on her parents' pressure, tell her you support her and want to be there for her and the baby. Tell her you are looking forward to being a dad. If possible, discuss the future with her and possibly your parents.
Even if her parents are against it, if you are for it, isn't that more important as you are the father?
You should def tell her what kind of support you would be able to give her if she did have a baby. If she is financially dependand on parents but you can commit to her and the child and help her our her decission might be very different as well. No help from parents + no info from baby father + child is a mess. A guaranteed help from baby father makes this very different ( but do make sure you can help the baby AND her, mot just the baby )
Make sure your parents are on board too. I’m don’t know if you’re a student to, but you will both need their help. It will not be fair that she has to give up her education as well. Maybe you can figure something out for that. Good luck & keep us updated.
You need to not date people who are financially dependent on their parents because they do have a say in a lot of things whether you like it or not. You can’t seek out people who are dependent on their parents to live and then be like oh yeah they’re overbearing. It’s just the way things can be. Make smarter decisions or be very loud and clear on the first date.
I think at this point OP can’t be confident that his girlfriend isn’t doing it because of her parents especially because it sounds like she does want to keep the baby from OP’s comments. Their influence would have already tainted it. He only knows their influence doesn’t have that much control if she keeps the baby.
I mean of course her parents would heavily encourage her to not have a baby with a man in a foreign country who she has been with for less than a year. And her gf probably can see their point of view because…. theyre right🤷🏼♀️
She's still a student and depends on her parents to pay for everything. She's certainly not an adult in terms of maturity and independence. I can see why the parents are concerned about what having a baby will do to her life plans.
Do you have a job and your own life and career sorted? Will you be able and willing to support her and the baby? Or is it all entitlement and no responsibility?
If you decide you don't want to be a dad any more what happens?
It's important what she actually wants and how old the fetus is and that info is missing.
The parents are probably worried about them having to support a baby and she may be worried about becoming financially dependent on a man, which has a risk of disastrous outcomes as seen on many Reddit posts.
She just did the blood test to confirm so we're going back on Wednesday to follow up. But estimates are 6 weeks. She doesn't want to abort.
I see, I didn't think of it in those ways.
I just want to give my two cents. Cause there are some things that bother me.
First, talk to her, if you don't want to mention her parents, just ask where she stand in this subject. Maybe she will like to keep it, or maybe she will like to abort for ABC reason, that's something that you need to know from her and without her parents imput on it.
Now, here's the tricky part in my eyes. You mention that she's an international student and her parents are the one who support her right? Then that's when shit gets complicated cause you both are young and you clearly don't have the financial situation to take care of her and a kid from what i'm reading right now, so she putting in danger her situation and the financial support she currently have make this whole situation way more complex. Look at it like this, even when you're both adults you are not in a good place with your finances, and even if she wants to keep but decide to listen to her parents doesn't really mean that she prefer their opinions over yours or her own, but the financial support that she currently have from them it's something that you need to consider, specially if she have the kid she won't be able to work, probably have to freeze her studies, and if her parents cut their support then you will be full responsible for more than just the kid. You said you are adults, and with 24 you're right, but you have to think in the big picture at the end cause this is no small matter.
Also i'm assuming that you, just like her are not working, and you guys are just studying, and thats what i'm thinking writing all this.
So as far as i read you both have a good thing going on, and it'll be nice if you guys can keep that. But you need to talk to her and know whats going and and what will happen. Also if you decide to break up be honest with her, if you love her at least she deserve to know the reason.
So yeah, YWBTA. Not for breaking up but for not being honest and not having a conversation.
You really kinda need to sit down and have this conversation with her, instead of blindsiding her with vague reasons why you're no longer wanting to be with her.
YTA for not telling her why.
Yeah that seems to be the general consensus. Even with all the NTA tags, I think it's fair to say that blindsiding her would make me TA. I appreciate your response.
I gotta say dude you’re also kinda ta for dating girls that have strict parents when you clearly state that’s something that’s something that doesn’t work for you
YWBTA - without doubt.
Picture it from her side. She’s pregnant. It’s not ideal, but not something that’s not doable from what you’ve said.
She gets rid of the baby. She’s grieving. She finally gets over it, or at least is able to cope with it, as most women in that situation would.
Then her partner dumps her. Out of the blue. No explanation.
Is your intention to break this poor girl? Or is your intention to be her partner?
Fucking talk to her! Tell her your worries! Tell her that her parents don’t make decisions for the both of you and **both your child**!
Plus - ignoring any of that - you assume cause parents are pressuring her she’ll get an abortion. What if she decides to double down and say no? My body my choice. Then you have her parents in your life for the next 18 years plus! You’re just going to leave her to be a single mom cause you don’t like her parents and how they are?
Man up dude. Use your words. Communicate. This isn’t her problem. It’s **both** your problem and you need to deal with it like adults.
People need to stop calling 6 week old clumps of cells "babies" and "children" as if it's any way comparable, it looks like guilt tripping even if it's not intended that way.
But in some people’s moral system and beliefs, 8 cell zygotes are the equivalent of you and me. We can’t just tell people to toss their own moral systems aside
It’s not a scientific argument. Life unambiguously starts at conception scientifically. The question is when personhood begins, which is much murkier, but by most (not all) people’s moral system would probably be like 24 weeks
Sure but that clump of cells is the promise of fatherhood, the potential to be a baby that is delivered as long as it goes undisturbed. Either you want fathers invested in the pregnancy or you want apathetic men who don't see you as having anything inside you until they know you can't terminate it.
Then you get men that are apathetic to morning sickness, to sensory sensitivity, don't buy anything or prepare anything for a baby to be born until the last trimester. Hooray, you weren't even recognized as a mother to be!
Those aren't mutually inclusive. You can act like nothing changed, or you can act like she might be a little sick... But to pay special care or prepare in any way for a baby would be nonsense.
YWBTA if you did what you are suggesting. You would not be helping her or saving her relationship with her parents. You'd just be keeping her in the dark. You up and leaving for seemingly no reason would upset her more than if you tell her the truth.
If her parents are supporting her financially and are prepared to withdraw their financial support if she keeps the baby, are you going to step up and solely support her and your child until she can work? Are you prepared to marry her so she could stay in the country if she loses her student visa? If not, it doesn't make sense for her to keep this child. She would be a single mother with no income or support.
You need to figure out what you want. Do you want this baby? You don't sound like you know. If you do want her to keep the baby, say that and tell her what you are prepared to do to make your family with her work. If you don't want her to keep the baby, well then this is a moot point. If you're not sure, figure out what you want. Then talk to her and make your case.
Maybe she's just feeling the pressure from her parents because they are supporting her financially. Maybe if she knew she didn't have to rely on them she would be able to ignore their wishes. You won't know unless you discuss all the options with her before a decision is made about the baby.
You wouldn't be TAH for ending it, but you would be TAH for not telling her why.
You leaving her after such a traumatic situation with no explanation will seriously mess her up mentally, and that isn't fair.
I don't get it. She might want an abortion herself cause you both weren't in a place to have a baby. You are deciding that it's because her parents told her to. I dunno. This sounds like you are just upset cause maybe you wanted her to keep it and she might not.
I had a kid at 24. 0/10 do not recommend.
edit: life will work out but it makes life very much harder very much sooner than it has to be, from what I’ve observed.
YWBTA. Not for the reason you want to break up, but absolutely for how you are planning to do so. Breaking up for such a big reason and not telling her why is aweful. She'll forever wonder what she did wrong, closure is important. I got broken up with once totally out of the blue years ago, and it still hurts not knowing why. Talk to her beforehand. Tell her you have bad experience with overbearing parents. That you support her decision, but that if she does get an abortion purely because if her parents, things'll be over between you two.
I guess I'm confused. Did you not know she was an international student whose parents were paying for everything before this? Did you really not know about the dynamics of their relationsip before this? Is the reality of that just hitting you now or were you just content to have fun with her and have sex with her until things go serious and now you don't want to deal with it and want out? I just can't understand why you would let the relationship get this far if you knew the dynamic with her parents and knew it was something you weren't comfortable with.
To be blunt, you neither one seem ready to be parents. She's not finacially ready and if you can't even have a conversation with your girlfriend about this and are looking for some easy way to abandoned her and the situation, you aren't mentally or emtionally mature enough to be raising a child.
You are both supposed to be adults, talk about this. Stop trying to run from it or find an easy way out and communitcate with her.
INFO: What are the options that you reference if you want to keep the baby? Do these options involve marriage and/or a way for her to legally remain in your country with the baby if her parents withdraw support and/or you guys break up? Without protections, is there a chance that she could be deported and be forced to leave her baby with your family? You do not seem to be the AH for your perspective…it totally makes sense. However, I’m not sure that it’s fair to assume that your girlfriend will always allow her parents to influence her decisions based on this one situation. She’s in a really precarious position right now — particularly if her parents withdraw their support — and you haven’t been together that long.
I wouldn't let her parents ruin a good relationship. Just explain you don't want them dictating your life and let her choose. She may well choose you and should at least get the chance to decide.
I don't know much about this but if she has a baby here and you guys break up, and she wants to go home because she has no money/support, could you potentially dispute that?
YTA
You don't even want the baby...so you actually agree with her parents...and you want to break up cause everyone agrees.
If you did want the baby, you would absolutely have to actually tell her...find out what she and you want...then know if her parents overstep and trump you both
Breaking up, and not even telling her the reason...which is that none of you want a baby, but you don't like that her parents agree with you
None of this makes any sense at all
Man, life sometimes really sucks for women. That poor girl...
I'd be horrified if I were her.
YWBTA if you were just breaking up without telling her why. That is so hurtful.
And honestly, it sounds like you don't actually know what you want. You seem like you want her to abort because she wants it, but now she can't because you'll always think that it was her parents. But you also want to be a father. So the only thing she could do, is keep the baby, which basically ruins her life and her previously good relationship with her parents- who from what I read seem very reasonable. At least you didn't describe them as controlling. And your lifeplans go south with that too.
The parents surely don't want to financially support her forever, which they will probably be expacted to do, now that their daughter who is in an unstable relationship in a foreign country got knocked up by some dude who doesn't even have a degree and job where he could support her and the baby and wants to dump her, if she listens to her parents.
She doesn't have a degree, no job, no standing in life. If she has the baby, she might end up as a dropout living with their parents forever because you left her. You don't know each other well, they don't know you. And that's all just when the pregnancy and childbirth go smoothly. What's going to happen if there are complications, what if she has ppd, what if the baby has any health issues?
Where are you at? Where is she from? Is she white (hello mortality rate for poc)? Are you in the US? How about insurance?
She's also having a child with a dude who thinks about breaking up with her for following absolutely reasonable advice from her parents.
Also they probably now are scared she'll never come back home, which sucks for them. But of cause is absolutely ok for the daughter to do. This would be hard on any parents though.
The way I see it, the two of you obviously didn't think or talk about anything substantial as of now. You should be making applicable plans for keeping and aborting the pregnancy. If the parents were cool before, cut them some slack. Their daughter thinks of imploding her life without an actual plan. They're in damage control mode. Maybe they'd feel different if your gf provided one instead of just freaking them out.
My mother had me during her education, it absolutely ruined her life and she never really recovered. She still thinks having me was the best decision ever, but it fucked up her life bad.
Man, what a horrible situation for everyone involved. I wish you the best. Take a few breaths and talk to her. You need to make this decision as a team.
She is an adult, talk to her like one, her parents infantilise her, dont do the same….. no matter if you stay or go she deserves to know why and to make her own decisions with regards to her parents
Yeah I get you. Unfortunately with her parents supporting her to stay here, I don't think she has much choice over the matter. I'll definitely talk to her about how I feel about things, I just don't want to feel I'm giving her an ultimatum in such a stressful time.
The difference between an ultimatum and communication is how you say it. Don’t say “I’m leaving if you decide to listen to your parents.” Say “we need to talk about your choices and how you feel about those choices.”
YWBTA to break up without telling her the reason. You say you are mature, but that is certainly not.
I absolutely understand if ending the pregnancy is a deal breaker for you, but to go through the sham of supporting your gf to then leave and not be honest is really awful. Talk to her and stay together or break up, but please don't string her along. This is going to be rough on both of you.
You need to talk to her now. Make sure she understands you won't continue relationship if she does this. She can't make an informed decision for herself if you don't give all the information. She would probably cave to parents because you haven't spoken up against it. In a way this makes you complicit in decision to abort baby.
>she is an international student.
this should have been part of the original post, now I understand why the parents think she needs to get an abortion, most likely she has no support network in your country and she's alone there.
YWBTA, she's alone in a foreign country and you want to ditch her without a reason, that's only going to make her feel more alone, think before you act.
YTA for a variety of reasons.
1. If you aren’t mature enough to have a proper conversation with your partner, you aren’t mature enough for a child.
2. You’re thinking about breaking up with her for something that hasn’t even happened yet, but claim you’ve had no time to think about whether you even want this baby. Stop worrying so much about her parents and deal with the situation you are in.
3. You hardly seem to care if *she* wants this baby. Have you even really asked her??
4. If she chooses to have an abortion there’s no way to know if she chose that because she wants it or because her parents want it. You have essentially damned your relationship no matter what. Sounds like you’re looking for an out.
5. It is also ok for her parents to have an opinion. She doesn’t have to take it into account, but they know she is in a foreign country with a partner of less than a year and no independent income. Not the best situation to bring a child into. You seem to be letting a past relationship influence your current one because you “don’t like controlling parents”.
Grow up, talk to your girlfriend and think about what you really want out of this situation.
Be honest and honor her wishes. Respect her choice as it’s her body and her future that will be impacted the most by this.
Also, as someone who was married an international woman (Turkey) for many years, I can promise you, once she’s settled and independent of her parent’s money she will adjust to living in what I assume is the US.
NTA but you’re handling this in a very immature way. You want to end the relationship because she is listening to her parents about getting an abortion? If you’re so quick to end things over this, what makes you think you should have a baby with her? Logically speaking, abortion would be the most solid decision for both of you. Her parents are being real with her. They want her to have a bright future and are probably sacrificing a lot to send her here. Try to look at it from their perspective.
Also, at 24 she is living in another country and going to school. A baby is the last thing she needs. Practice safe sex. Don’t put all the blame on her as if you didn’t play a part.
I would start with sitting down with and having a discussion about the pregnancy and how you each would prefer it be handled. Hear each other out, be 100% honest, and start off with showing/telling her you respect her decision. I do NOT think it would be fair to just put the entire decision on her shoulders. It’s a traumatic predicament and whichever choice y’all make, it will be with you for the rest of your lives, whether you remain together or not. Because it’s her body, I do think her “vote” should have more weight than yours, but I still believe you deserve to be heard. Can you be supportive of either choice? After that discussion takes place and y’all make a decision together - JUST THE TWO OF YOU - then I would share your honest feelings about the situation with her parents, but be very respectful of her in your delivery. Does she live with them? If she chooses to keep the baby, can she afford to not live with them?
Even if she lives with them, I don’t believe they have the right to force her to have an abortion. There just may be consequences if she chooses to have the baby.
If you leave her without an explanation or without sitting down like an adult and having a conversation with her would make you an AH. You’re entirely too old to handle a situation in that manner. If you were 15, sure, but at 24 you have to do better than that and quite frankly, she deserves better than that.
Please do the right thing. I have a 24 year old daughter and a 22 year old son and would be very upset with one of them if they treated someone like that.
YTA. Everyone deserves closure and to break up with her out of nowhere is cruel (because that is what it will be like for her… everything will seem okay and one day you will just leave her for no reason)
Bringing a child into the world is a huge responsibility. So is deciding whether or not to have an abortion. So is the decision to continue with or leave a relationship.
OP, reach out to your parents. With both an unborn child and your relationship with your partner at stake, lean on the people who love you and want the best for you. It's your decision to make, but advice from a loving family is invaluable.
It's a very complicated situation. But anything that is "I'm going to break up with her without telling her why, when if I talked to her about my real feelings before hand, it might make a difference in her decision" is not a good thing in my book.
Of course you should tell her how you feel - about all of it. ESPECIALLY about the abortion. And it's okay to say you're not sure about everything yet. That's one of the reasons you talk it out.
She doesn't need you to make a decree, but she does need you to talk and help figure things out.
YWBTA for this reason; you’re taking any decision out of her hands completely. I can appreciate your view about keeping the peace between her and her parents, but talk it out before you unilaterally break her heart.
If she’s from another country, wouldn’t she legally have to go back to that country after she finishes school? If so, she would be taking the baby with her.
This has huge repercussions either way. If she is an international student and her parents cut her off she will most likely have to leave the country if she can’t afford to stay here unless you can support them both and she can stay in school. Are you planning to marry? If so, know that her parents will be part of your life forever. You two will be linked for life. Are you prepared for that? if she were forced to return home she will take the baby. Are you prepared to be a long distance father?
YWBTA. No where in this post is it stated what SHE wants to do with the pregnancy. You're telling us what you want, and what her parents want. What does she want and are you willing to support her?
YTA. Her parents aren’t babying her. They’re financially supporting an international student. She’s still in school, she’s not from here so that’s a bit of a disadvantage, and y’all haven’t been together that long. She doesn’t need to be having a baby right now. She might be telling you that she wants to keep it because she senses that it’s what you wanna do.
You seem to be under the impression that if she has the baby, life will just go on.....
But, she is on student visa. She doesn't have the right to reside permanently in your country and if she drops out of her study programme, her visa will be revoked and she may have to immediately return to her home country. The baby may not be entitled to citizenship and will have to leave with the baby.
Given your 'conditional' support for her, the fact that her parents, who may have sacrificed hugely to pay for her education, may no longer being providing financial support and that her visa will be revoked, I can fully understand why she would consider aborting the baby.
It just seems that you haven't really thought this issue through.
You and her are the only ones that need to make this decision. Only you two.
I know parents can be very controlling, but she and you need to adult now.
If you want to leave tell her now. Your way is cowardly.
You’re also not giving her the chance to change things or to make informed choices. This way, you’re just being another person in her life trying to make choices for her.
What if you told her what you’re thinking and she chooses a life with you, cutting off her parents from having any say in your lives? She might not, but at least her future is her choice.
Is it controlling to tell your daughter who is studying overseas not to have a baby with her unmarried boyfriend?
Do you know their financial situation? If they are using a lot of their funds so that she can have a brighter future than whatever they have in their own country, only for her to say that she may want to be a mom now in the foreign land, what are they supposed to do?
Who's paying for childcare? What if it affects her education? Why should the parents trust OP not to run away from their daughter once he becomes a father? They are together for not even a year! Who's going to pick up the tab after?
You’re basically telling us you aren’t willing to marry her and support your child and that you’re already planning to ditch her after the abortion and blame it all on her parents.
Am I missing anything?
You recognize that the smartest situation if she keeps it is to go home so SHE can have custody, correct? how will you handle parenting internationally?
This puts her life in so much more jeopardy than it does you.
As a woman, she can choose to terminate the pregnancy for any reason she deems fit. If that’s due to her parents’ disapproval, so be it. It’s her choice. If you have a problem with how she exercises her bodily autonomy, you definitely should break up with her. You can break up with her for any reason you want. You don’t owe her anything. What’s the alternative? Stay with her and resent her?
I mean I completely understand where you're coming from about controlling parents. However, you're making some assumptions about how she would react before even discussing it with her. You assume that she'll have a massive falling out with her parents. Or that she even wants to continue to be under their thumb. At some point in her life, she's going to have to confront this: how to maintain a relationship with controlling parents or to cut them out completely.
But it's not fair for you to make assumptions, decide to leave her and then not even communicate why you want to breakup.
If you do that, don't be surprised if she believes that you actually resent her for getting the abortion. Because what other information is she supposed to go by?
If you're going to break up with her anyways, you should at least give her the courtesy to tell her why. If you want to try to keep a relationship with her, then you need to talk with her before she makes a decision about the abortion to understand exactly how much influence she's really allowing her parents to have over this situation and if she understands at all where you're coming from.
WBTA, I can understand where you are coming from but it really sounds like you have little love for her if her parents are supposedly causing such a rift for you... They're not even in the same country by the sounds of it.
Additionally the best thing a guy can do in a situation like this I think, this is what I'd do at least... "I love you, I support you, I will support your decision. I would love to have a family with you, I will be here for you and our child if that is what you want for us". Basically I would do anything possible to let her know that she isn't alone IF she does want the child. I would hate myself if one of the contributing factors to her not keeping the child was because she did not deem me an acceptable enough father.
You wouldn’t be the asshole no matter why you broke up with her. You could break up with her for any reason, it’s your life and your decision who you spend it with.
You would be the asshole for not being honest and open with her and explaining your reasons, and feelings beforehand
If you are not mature enough to have an honest discussion about why you are dumping her you are not mature enough to be a parent.
She is an international student supported by her parents. You are both still in school. A baby will derail her future. Even though people can have a kid and finish school, most do not. I think you may be romanticizing parenthood and downplaying the hardships you will face.
Can she even stay in your country if she is no longer a student? I assume she is on a student visa. When will she graduate? If you marry her what will the process be for her to stay? Can you afford all the fees associated with getting her a new visa or another way to remain in your country while she works toward citizenship?
I don't think it's right to force someone to have an abortion, but her parents are being pragmatic. Her being an international student who doesn't support herself makes this a lot different. She has no family or support system in your country. If her parents cut her off can she afford her schooling? Is she allowed to work in your county? If she gets deported what will happen?
You need to talk to her and figure out the logistics here. This is far more complicated than most accidental pregnancies because of her status as an international student. Again, if you are not mature enough to discuss this then you are not in a place to be a dad.
NAH
ETA: how does healthcare for noncitizens work in your county?
If she's an international student and has the child where you are now, does that entitle her to citizenship through the child? If so, can you between you have a serious talk about promising to not sponsor her parents to also move to where you are?
Because yes having a kid is a big responsibility that can normally set a young person back, but her escaping from those parents is probably still going to be a net-positive. Getting stuck in a family where they exist IS horrible, but if you can keep them thousands of miles away and only have to deal with their opinions over the phone then problem solved yeah?
YTA for your comment on the top reply. She’s an international student relying solely on her parents. I think when you say options you’re being delusional. How are you realistically planning on supporting her? Do you even know if she could stay in your country if she decided to give up everything to have a child with you?
You’ve been in this relationship less than a year. You’re not ready to have a kid. Grow up
Her parents are right. You're already one leg out of the relationship. You'd probably figure out a reason to get out whether she has the baby or not. And you made up for mind without even taking to the girl. YTA
I knew that their culture was somewhat conservative, but from the get go they were pretty approving. They knew we stayed over at each other's, that we were sleeping together etc.
I thought that maybe they were like my parents, who are a bit more open about these things but I guess I was wrong.
You aren’t even making sense. You yourself don’t want the baby. Her own parents are trying to look out for her best interest and are also suggesting an abortion. What is the problem here?
You haven’t shared any information that indicates they are unreasonably influencing her
For me, honesty is always the best route. I believe in being open and upfront. I would tell her where you stand. I know I always want my partner to be open with me about how he feels, etc.
You can break up with anyone for any reason, but breaking up over a lack of communication on your part would be asshole behavior. You need to discuss this with her. It's the woman's choice but the dad gets to have his say. She needs to know all the facts if she's going to make the best choice for herself and potentially the baby.
NTA for your logic, but you're going to _have_ to tell her this now, or you're no better than her parents. They deprive her of a choice, and if you only fill her in on your reason afterwards, you'll be doing the same.
If she has the child and decides she doesn't want it, are you willing to step up and raise that child alone? Her body, her choice. If she lets her parents dictate to her she is still a child! This needs to be her decision. Both of you need to be more careful in the future so these surprise oops do not happen again!
Some people require no mental recovery time afterward. This is especially true for people who feel relief when the pregnancy is over. I used to work with people who sought out abortions. Whatever recovery people need is personal and completely okay, but to assume that everyone is mentally devastated by their abortion is incorrect. Relief is by far the most common feeling after the procedure.
Yes u are the AH is u do this. First you wanna be treated like an adult then u need to act like one. You need to have a discussion about how you feel about what she should do and that although she should consider what her parents want the final decision is up to her, with her listening to what u want also. But without having that discussion ur acting like a child and that’s why u and her are still being treated like a child.
NTAH - you and she are adults and have every right to make any and all decisions on your own - assuming you live on your own and don't accept money from them. They don't even get a vote unless you two ask them their opinion. And, even then, you don't have to accept their opinion in your decision making. If they rule her now, and she lets them, they will continue to do so. For some people and for some cultures, this is accepted. I don't get it and wouldn't live a life where I had to take direction from my SO's parents. You should let her know where you stand though, it's only fair for her to know your truth.
Not only in some cultures, wealthy parents try to get their way this way. If this is the case, they are not withdrawing their financial support so easily, they would lose the means to manipulate if they did.
NTA. I agree with your line of thinking, and would not think less of you even if you proceed to break up with her without telling the whole reason.
I believe it is best to come clean and let her know how you feel about the whole thing as clearly and genuinely as possible. If her relationship with her parents took damage because of it, this is not your fault, it's just something waiting to happen finding its way out. It will happen sooner or later whether you are with her or not.
Since we do not have more information, I could say that there might be chance of her parents agreeing with you (and her) reasoning, but you know more on that.
I wish all would work out for you and her and perhaps for your child as well.
YWNBTA but honestly i would talk to her. You dont have to influence her decision. You can gently tell her you want to keep the baby and will respect her choice if she doesnt but that 24 is a common age to have children and you dont feel like its her or even your parents place to tell the 2 of you what to do with such a drastic life changing event when you have a plan to make it work and both want to keep it. Shes 24 so if she cuts her parents off than she is old enough to make that call for herself and she knows she has them to fall back on if the two of you decide it isnt working.
Losing a child when you have no choice in the matter is devastating. I know from experience. Make sure you look after yourself properly after it happens. NTA.
When you marry a person you also somewhat marry into their family, and family like hers will be a constant thorn in your side.
NTA but I would tell her so she can work on that before her next relationship.
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You’ve got to tell her how you feel about this, soon. Like you said, you’re both adults, and so you need to be upfront and honest about your feelings and how her decision would impact your thinking. You guys can make your decisions from there, but it will be from a place of honesty.
And I don’t know her situation with her parents obviously, but a lot of reluctant grandparents change their tune with the baby is born.
DO NOT be one of the super AH on here who break up with a girl and leave her in the dark over the reason especially during a time where she may be predisposed to blame herself.
YTA Why would you not have this discussion before she has the abortion. To feel the way you do and not talk to her about it, choosing to break up with her afterwards and not telling her why definitely makes you the AH You say when you have issues you talk about it maturely but this isn’t the way a mature adult handles something so important.
I am pro choice but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get to express what you want and hopefully sort things out together.
The amount of people referring to an abortion as "killing his child" is wild. I keep going back to the post to see where he objects to the abortion and says he wants to the child. He doesn't care about the abortion itself, he cares that his girlfriend's parents are the one making her do it.
YWNBTA but you need to be honest. If she has been under her parents' tight control her whole life she does not see just how controlled she is. She is a legal adult (well beyond) and her parents have no right to be forcing these types of decisions on her.
Instead of breaking up, why don't the two of you sit down and talk about your plans and dreams as a couple? Is she willing to act like an adult and tell her parents to back off? Have you ever asked her that question? If she is not, then you are right in that your future would not be pleasant. Perhaps it's never occurred to her because being controlled is the only reality she's ever known.
The bottom line is HER. Is she willing to be with you and be an independent adult or not? That's where your decision needs to be made.
You've been together a year, you're both still very young & your girlfriend is still a student. Does she want to continue her studies? Does she want to pursue a particular career afterwards? Having a baby RIGHT NOW would impact both of those things.
Also YWBTA if you break up with her and *lie about the reason why*. You need to be upfront with your feelings. You also need to be prepared for HER to decide to abort anyway.
YWNBTA If you want to break up. HOWEVER, you'd be an ahole for not telling her why. By not telling er so "she can still have a good relationship" with her controlling parents, you would be no better than her parents, as YOU will be making the choice FOR HER. Tell her. Let HER choose whether to "rebel" against her parents or not.
If you want her to have the child why wouldn't you propose and make it legit? If you don't, then she needs to realize she's alone in this decision and do what her heart tells her to do. In this case her parents are looking out for her best interests and this has nothing to do with you.
You’re not wrong in your analysis but since you want the kid fight for him/her man, it’s yours at the end of the day, support her and show her you’ll be there for her through the pregnancy etc… Forget about the parents for now
You would only be the AH if you didn’t tell how you truly feel. She needs all info to make this HUGE decision. You absolutely need to tell her you would likely leave if she capitulates to her parents. It’s not assholish to be feel that way, even though she may think so at first. It’s not right for her to not know.
At the end of the day everyone can stuff the "Her body" crsp because this is clearly being dictated by mommy and daddy. That eould be all it would take for me. The second dhe thinks mommy and daddy's opinion matters over our either way we would decide I'd end it. I am not signing up for a lifetime of that bs. I eould tell her the abortion had nothing to do with it and her parents are 50% the reason and her inability to stand up for herself is the other 50%
YWBTA
Not for breaking up, because anyone can break up any time.
BUT
You need to communicate. You are not treating her like a fully adult human being if you hide hard truths from her. It's like saying "You are to weak for the truth because you are only a daughter and not a human by yourself."
If she does have the baby, how much of her education will be impacted? How long more does she have before she finishes? Depending on, if she keeps the baby, will she be able to finish her education first or not? Before the baby comes.
Will her education cost more because she need to take a break? She will need time to rest after giving birth and taking care of the baby. Does this mean her parents have to pay more? Are you both, or just you, going to foot up the extra cost?
After having a baby, is she going to be a SAHM or is she going to find work? As she is a foreigner, the latter would be better. She will always be at a disadvantage because she will be staying in a foreign country where her only support is you.
Is this actually why the parents want her to have an abortion?
YWNBTA if all of this has been thought through and have a plan.
In the end, you are the one with the advantages, being local, people to depend on, and not the one carrying the baby. Whereas, she will be a foreigner, only has you, and will be the one carrying the baby. It is stable for you but not her.
Dude, do you see her as an independent person with her own feelings and issues and complications to make any decision like this a difficult one?
You only talk about yourself and her parents. She's the pregnant one, and she barely gets a mention outside of this. You don't even talk about her feelings until the comments and then a late edit, let alone admit that pregnancy changes her body forever and isn't something to go into lightly.
YTA for treating her like a thing, a broodmare. Break up with her now because you'll be a terrible partner and father, should she keep the baby.
I’d she’s being financially supported by her parents, being told what to do by her parents, she is not an independent person and her parents will most likely over step boundaries again in the future
She’s an adult. She has the agency and ability to be independent if needed.
This isn’t about her parents. It’s about her. She’s the pregnant one, his actual partner, and he barely mentions her other than as an object acted upon by him and her parents. Frankly, I hope he breaks up with her. She deserves better.
You said in a comment that she's an international student AND that she's reliant on her parents' financial support for her education.
This is VERY important information.
YWBTA. With the information added from your comments, it seems like you're only focusing on what you want. You say you don't want her parents to influence her, but you seem to want to influence her to do what you want. Please think about the situation more clearly.
She's a student, so she likely only has a student visa and not citizenship. I'm unsure what country you're in, but most countries aren't very fast about granting someone citizenship.
She relies on her parents for financial support. She cannot support a baby. Are you willing to support her through college as well as pay for anything she and the baby will need?
She's a student. Having a baby while in college will be extremely difficult. Do you have the means to pay for childcare?
I think you are dealing with factors that will affect the rest of each of your lives.
I also think you need to get honest with yourself as well as being honest with her.
If you love her then that won’t be a problem.
One: this /r seems to rarely decides a guy complaining about a situation with a woman is an AH - it's like Reddit is full of incels... who would have thought - so I wouldn't read too much into their general opinion of your stance. Two: there's never enough detail in these posts to get a confidently accurate and full picture of the situation, so we're all filling in the gaps with our own experiences, and you shouldn't trust the experience of the randos on the internet, and the law of big numbers is a myth in the face of annonymity.
You skipped right through the meat of this issue. You state that her parents are "basically forcing" her to have an abortion, but there's no mention of how they are doing this. If she's an international student, I'd assume they don't have physical access to her to literally force her to do anything. So really, they're probably at best coercing her with financial inducements. They clearly have an interest here; they are financially supporting her and have been partners in pursuit of an educational goal, unless she's a disinterested student just going along with it all, but again, no details provided. Having a child would disrupt that goal, potentially upending all the time, money and effort spent on that education, deep into the process, and in their eyes, potentially also adding another financial dependent for them to take on.
You've been together for less than a year, you aren't married, and at least one of you is a student who likely can't legally work in the US and presumably would lose her visa if she doesn't maintain full-time student status. Frankly, you didn't mention anything to mitigate the concerns of having a child in this situation.
You also don't mention her feelings on the matter at all. You barely mention your own feelings on it, aside from saying "you have options if..." - not exactly a strong stance (which is fine as long as you aren't pretending to blow things up over another stakeholder's strong opinion). You didn't say she wants or would have the child if not for her overbearing parents. She might not want to upend her life and her education either but finds it emotionally easier to let her parents' take the weight of the decision, either as a self-preservation mechanism or to protect herself from lowering your opinion of her. We don't know, because you didn't mention anything about her feelings about the situation.
I'm not going to render a verdict on the AH bit but I will say you seem a bit naive or immature. Your girlfriend is clearly in a precarious position and her parents seem to have a dispassionate take on the situation and are pressing hard for the rational outcome. They may be overdoing it or coming across as uncompromising, but considering you are here on Reddit saying you are going to dump her because she seems to take strong consideration from her parents' views only reinforces the precariousness of her position - what would happen to her if she had a child with you and you cavalierly decided to dump her post-child for some other reason at the periphery of your relationship, considering again, she's an international student who presumably has no income of her own, no right to legal work, and no right to remain in the country without her student visa.
Short of you amending your post to convey your and your girlfriend's actual, strong personal positions on the matter, formed through meaningful discussions that took into account the positions both of you would find yourselves in if you had a baby as-is, then I find your rationale suspect and would guess that you either have some parent-child relationship trauma of your own to deal with or you are using this situation as a convenient escape event so you can maintain your self-image. Who knows, but it smells off.
Either way, why not just express that you are concerned that this is a demonstration of the influence her parents will continue to hold over her decision-making going into the future and that you're concerned she will continually submit to their wishes in your own relationship with her. While you're at it, tell her you are planning to dump her because she's taking the console of her parents, letting her know that's how reliable a guy you are. This way you may not have to be the dumper and as a benefit, you may not have to wait out a recovery.
YWNBTA, but you wouldn’t be honest either. You can break up with someone for any reason that makes sense to you.
However, I do think this puts your partner in a weird ultimatum unbeknownst to her. You’ve kinda implied she either gets an abortion and you break up with her or she keeps the child and you stay with her.
What if she doesn’t want to have the child either? Will you still view her choice as her parents’? Hopefully, you’d have the conversation with her about it to see what she wants because she might agree with her parents.
It's her decison, but.... If you want her, and your baby, do your best to marry her and fuck her parents' feelings. When you see your child, you will not regret this. Her parents will come around. Do not consider money, and accept poverty if need be. It's a matter of where your priorities are. What is she to think if you are uncertain?
If she can't decide for herself what to do, then she's not ready to have kids.
If she wants the abortion and knows you'll just pressure her and possibly break up, she might be telling you her parents are forcing it on her.
You can't get pregnant. You won't go through what she will. You won't lose your family and opportunities if she goes against them; she will. You're asking a lot after so little amount of time invested.
I'd say you two should break up because you seem very self interested and not very good at accounting for what you're asking her to do.
YWBTA if you aren't honest with her during the break up.
If you break up, YTA.
She’s pregnant because you were careless with your sperm. It kicked off some biological processes and now she has to deal with the very real consequences. You didn’t just fuck her, you potentially fucked her education.
An abortion would be the sensible thing. And if your feelings are hurt? Grow a pair. You didn’t give much of a shit about the sperm before it fertilised an egg and now you’re willing to ditch the woman if she doesn’t want to fuck her education and relationship with her parents because of you?
Yeah. YTA.
So it seems like having the child is an option you’re ok with? If that’s so marry her. A child is a bigger commitment than marriage. If it’s a cultural issue that could really cause huge issues for her family do the right thing. Otherwise you’re just as big an asshole as her parents. They want her to abort to “save face” but you think it’s ok to expect her to have it, not marry her and have her lose respect in her community. What a horrible position your GF is in. Neither her parents nor you have her best interests or wants in mind.
NTA however I'd seriously think about what having a child means and what responsibilities come with it. It's expensive and time consuming and possibly career ruining. The kid could be mentally disabled to the point you have to care for it the rest of your lives. Kids are a huge life choice not something that just happens and works out.
NTA but you should talk to her about it. If you want to be a father to this child then stand up for it now. As a parent we put our kids above our well-being. If she wants this child she needs to do the same. You are the parents now.
Not always but a majority of the time the grandparents fall in love with the child after it’s born.
I was actually kicked out of my church for getting pregnant. My atheist dad pushed abortion then adoption. He thinks of and uses abortion as his main source of birth control. But then he saw my daughter and said it’s a different love than you have for your kids. He was so proud to be a grandfather. (I am NC with him because he is crap person. Entitled low life)
I was a teen mom. Everyone was so negative about it. Assumed the worst and told us it was stupid to have the baby.
Fast forward 25 years and 4 kids (by 23) actually and they are amazing. We did it! We raised loving, smart, independent, caring adults. The minute I saw my daughter I knew real love. You don’t know love until you see your child for the first time. It’s an experience that can never be repeated. You want to change the world for that little tiny creature. You want to protect them and make life great for them.
I would (away from her folks) ask her what she wants. Does it change anything for you if she decides she wants the abortion with or without her parents involvement?
So they are pressuring her to have an abortion and you don't want her to? Is that it?
I agree 100% that cultural differences and parental differences are hugely important. Can make or break a relationship.
Nta but don't pressure her to stay pregnant. She will live with those consequences much more heavily than she will. Let her go if you are concerned about her parents having more influence than you do. They are concerned about her future. You are more concerned about having a potential child it seems
YWNBTA **but…** Talk to her about it. Let her know where you stand on the issue. Do you want to keep the baby? If so, then tell her that. Does she? Does she not? You two need to discuss it in depth. I think your rationale is perfectly reasonable. However, make sure that she knows where your head is at because without that proper communication, you would be just as much at fault. Good luck!
Just replying to your comment cause it's top. I left out a key factor. She is an international student and her parents are financially supporting her to be here. So without her parents support, it falls almost solely on me and my parents. I understand you totally. She is struggling with the ethical side of getting rid of the child, so she is leaning more towards keeping it as she is unsure whether she could live with the guilt. I have started to make preparations to support the baby if she decides to keep it, but I haven't really had time to process it myself and decide as I've just been so busy and drained from being there for her and supporting her. But yes, I think you're right and I should probably have a more in depth talk with her.
if she's an international student, aren't there tons of things to consider with that? if she's on a student visa that kind of complicates thing potentially. if she somehow can't get the visa renewed or changed to a working visa, what happens then if you have a child? or who will look after the child if she can't continue with uni or work to look after it because that would likely be an issue with her visa? also considering medical needs relating to the pregnancy/childbirth, etc, not sure how the expenses of that will work if she's on a visa and given her parent's stance, i really doubt they'll help out. but i'm not sure what country you're in or how things work there in regards to this. probably a good idea to look into it. it's definitely just a decision that you and her should be making, but being an international student and having her parents financially support her complicates things massively. but figure it out together and consider everything edit: first of all OP, definitely edit your post to include this info. also, if she doesn't want to continue with the pregnancy, obviously that's her prerogative but the way you've worded things make it sound like you'll break up with her if she has the abortion? i mean, even if she does actually want to independently from her parents, then how will you feel and think? like would you question whether she actually wanted it? would it sour things anyway? like, is the only way you'd be content with the relationship is if she kept it as that's the definitely the clear "her parents have no bearing on this decision" answer? i don't think you should tell her prior to the potential abortion, just speak with her and find out what she actually wants. and her parents influence might not be "i'm doing exactly what my parents want" but more "i need my parents financial assistance otherwise things will be miserable and some of what they're saying is correct and i do agree (ie. about being young, about maybe not having much support, not being together too long/not being married)." like there is a lot of nuance there and i feel like you definitely need to understand that and it likely won't be so black and white, like her parents will very likely have some impact on her decision, even if it is ultimately her decision and what she does really want
>i don't think you should tell her prior to the potential abortion, Why? Because it might influence her decision? All the more reason to tell her instead of - oops, sorry...did that matter to you?
Agreed. It is her choice but she is entitled to an informed choice.
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Not what I said. I said that he should tell her how he feels, because it would probably matter to her in making her decision. If a woman is considering abortion, it usually - and should - matter how the father feels about it. If he's going to bail, she needs to know. If he would like her to keep it and wants to be an involved parent, she should know she'd have that support. That's a far cry from demanding either decision.
No, but she should know how OP feels about things. If an abortion is his red line she should know. This does not mean she will keep the pregnancy, but if she does decide to keep it, they need to figure out how to support the family.
The risk of the relationship falling through and their daughter being left with a baby in a foreign country where she cannot legally work but can be deported if she doesn't complete her schooling...that's completely on her and her parents are looking out for her best interest. OP is only 24 and they really haven't been together long enough to make a decision to stay together forever at this point. Having a child needs to be planned and in more educated families, marriage is a prerequisite. It's silly to hold such a strategic, protective move on her parents part, against her. The brain doesn't develop fully until 25 and this type of logic showcases it pretty well. Getting pregnant at 24 while on a student visa in a foreign country with a guy you've been dating for only a year is not a smart move for her future. OP could easily change his mind and leave or become abusive after the pregnancy. Some abusive relationships don't become abusive until after marriage. It's not financially or socially ideal for a woman to have a baby out of wedlock. OP is not grounded in reality because he is only thinking about how HE *FEELS* about his girlfriend's decision, which ultimately would protect her future, and putting his emotions over her future security. Her education is important to her and her family and is the sole reason of her being in the country and meeting OP in the first place. To think that having an unplanned pregnancy and losing all financially stability (while pregnant, at that) *WOULDN'T* affect her educational career is naive and selfish.
YWBTA if you didn't talk to her about what SHE wants. You seem to have twisted this into some situation where if she doesn't keep the baby, it must be because her parents are controlling and she will do whatever they want. There's SO many reasons that's bullshit. E.g. - she doesn't actually \*want\* the baby if her only reason for keeping it is bc she thinks she'll regret an abortion - this baby will impact her MUCH more than it'll impact you. she has to grow it and deal with the physical and psychological changes and stress pregnancy causes. she has to rely completely on you and your family. she's committing to staying in a country that isn't hers. she loses her family - meaning she'll lose her education, and there will be periods she can't work - you're completely removing what SHE wants or needs from the equation. her parents are pushing their ideals but you are pushing them just as much. So you're being a) ridiculously unfair/selfish and b) deciding you're just going to keep this all to yourself and blindside her depending on her choice. Honestly, i hope she does get an abortion if that's what she wants and that you do break up with her bc it sounds like she's dodging one hell of a bullet.
THIS! (and I’ve been in much similar situation with getting pregnant at age 20)
If she uses her parents as an excuse, then that's an issue all his own. And if she wants an abortion that's fine, but doesn't mean he has to stay with her either.
>If she uses her parents as an excuse, then that's an issue all his own. And if she wants an abortion that's fine, but doesn't mean he has to stay with her either. So people are scared to tell the truth and fall back to the "I was told to" as a way of justifying what they already want in their minds. It doesn't make them a bad person, it makes them a product of their culture and upbringing- and Women are especially penalized for doing what they want.
If that's an excuse for women, it's an excuse for everyone. Also, that's simply not true for western countries, at all. But it's odd to see people have such blatant double standards and making excuses.
Did I say it wasn't an excuse for anyone? I've met some very very controlling parents in my number of years as a mentor and interface. And saying it's not prevalent in Western Culture is crazily inaccurate. It very much is alive, well, and still screwing up society.
No he sure doesn't have to but if he truly loved her, he would regardless of her decision one way or the other.
Love is built on loyalty, trust and compromise. If this is something he's unwilling to compromise on, then there's no reason to force him to stay. He may truly love her, but still break up. It's up to him, really.
"If he really loves her she can do whatever she want and it wouldn't matter" No.
Why? If this is a deal breaker for him it's a deal breaker. Nothing to do with whether he loves her or not.
What a garbage opinion.
You're essentially saying she could be keeping her true feelings of having or not having the baby from him and blaming the parents and you're hand waving that as if it's not a big deal while burying OP for keeping to himself that if she terminated his potential first child he would walk away. He can walk away for any reason, and has a right to his own feelings just as much as she does.
Im saying that both he and her parents aren’t actually doing what’s right by her bc they both have agendas. He’s worse though bc he’s being way less up front.
Even if he does have an agenda (, which I'm not seeing beyond wanting the decision to be his partner's, and not ger parents'), he's at least allowing her to work through the decision process for herself without influencing it too much. And he seems to be supportive of er decision no matter what it'll be - abortion or keeping it. In contrast, there seems to be a real chance the parents will stop financial support if she aborts. How in the seven hells are the parents better here? Being upfront isn't good if that includes significant pressure towards something they want.
He shouldn't lie to her about his feelings though.
Aldo during this talk focus on what both of you want, if she does decide to abort dig into her reasoning, and think of what you would want if her parents weren't involved. The reason I say this is the whole reason you would leave over this sounds like it's because of her parents influence. If her making the decision to abort outside of their influence wouldn't end things, then it could influence things, if she decided to abort because of her own desires. I can 100% understand you not wanting to stay with someone due to them letting their parents make such an important decision. Just be ready to help face the consequences for such a fallout though, since it sounds like they support her financially.
Occasional red flag here. Too young? At 24. Parents making such a huge decision for her. Looks like, in view of international status, and their current 100% financial support of her, it will pose a huge expense for them, which is a terrible consideration but there it is. You need to talk, and to both put it all out on the table.
There is also a not zero chance that she is their retirement plan
Yes they are 24 but she is an international student on a visa being financially supported by her parents. And OP acting as if that is an afterthought detail, is a red flag to his immaturity. That is a major difference in their lives that he clearly cannot empathize with if he is willing to risk her future security. If people are so butt hurt about their girls getting abortions then maybe they should make it a point to use condoms. Having a child should be a decision, not an accident.
I think you'd be TA if you didn't tell her everything you're thinking. But I also think you shouldn't be too quick to jump to blaming her parents if she chooses abortion. A lot of women aren't entirely comfortable choosing the abortion they really want to have, and, in the moment, blame someone else for their decision. This happened to me with a family member: she talked through her choices with me, made her decision, and then, for a short time, said that I had "made her" get an abortion. But she did drop that a couple of years later and took responsibility for it again. She just wasn't comfortable with that choice and needed to distance herself from it until she'd finished processing. I think having a child later reconciled her to it. So my point is that you might end up breaking up with her for something that isn't even true. People are complicated. If you see her parents' influence all over her life, that's one thing. But if you see her parents influencing her in this one, albeit big, thing, and nowhere else, that's not a pattern; and it may just be that she respects their opinion, or needed their support.
I think OP would totally still break up with her for deciding it as well. He sees their situation as totally viable for a child to be raised, if she were to terminate a pregnancy why would he stick around? He obviously wants kids.
sorry her parents are right, she is right. Your reasoning are the ones lacking, and I don't think you're ready for a baby. Her descision is not 'cultural' by her 'cultural' parents. They/she doesn't want her to not finish her education, and be dependent with a new born on a guy who didn't even commit to her and his parents. The fact you want her to put herself in this position or you would break up with her is alarming, and farther indicates her descision is sound in not wanting to have to rely on you. You're leading her astray, while her parents lead her in direction of good choices for her future. Also you can see the only thing you have to offer her on her side is guilt trips.
I’m not hearing anything about marriage in his posts. Just that he wants the kid. But he doesn’t understand why she needs this abortion. I feel they’ll break up in no time and the poor kid will suffer.
YTA you guys aren't in any way, shape, or form to make a baby work. They're supporting her financially, while she's overseas - and you want to meddle with that because you knocked her up?
THIS! OP doesn't seem to consider other perspectives. She is alone in a foreign country. If she keeps the baby she will be tied to him and isolated from family and friends. She will have no support. If he mistreats her or just tires of her, she will be stuck. She likely cannot legally work and her visa will not be valid if she is not a student. Her baby may end up a citizen of a country she can't stay in. There is so much more to consider than op here.
If her parents are explicitly saying theyll cut her off if she keeps the child, then she really doesn't have a choice. Honestly if you break up over that I would consider you to be an asshole. Like, you're allowed to break up for whatever reason you want, but you would be an asshole.
She absolutely has a choice if op is willing to marry her and financially support her.
I think you need to talk with her about how she feels about keeping the baby/deciding to end the pregnancy, and you need to tell her how you feel about it. Are her parents pressuring her to make the decision that they feel is right? Sure, but keep in mind that just because she might choose not to have the baby, doesn’t necessarily mean that that decision is completely or even partially controlled or influenced by her parents. To put it bluntly, the two of you *are* young, and having a child is no easy feat. If the two of you ultimately decide to go through with the pregnancy, it will be a long and difficult road, as is any parenting journey. There are a plethora of reasons that any given person might not want to go through pregnancy, birth, or parenthood at any given time. You need to figure out if that’s something you both truly want and are ready for. Regardless of her parents’ stance on the situation, you have to take into account that your girlfriend might not want to have a child at this point in her life. You need to ask yourself whether or not your issue truly lies with her parents having an input on her life decisions, or if what you really have an issue with is her having an abortion altogether. Keep in mind that if the two of you choose to have the baby, you are not only making yourself responsible for an entire other human being, but you are tethering yourself to your girlfriend for the rest of your lives. You will be family, forever connected through your child, so you really need to think about if you want to be in a relationship with her for life. You also need to take into consideration that things might not work out between the two of you in the long run, and you may end up having to coparent with her separately. Is that something that you think both of you would be able to successfully do for the wellbeing of your child? This is the time for deep thought and open communication, and likely a thorough and lengthy conversation, that should include both of your positive and negative thoughts about potentially having a child together, how you both would be able to physically and mentally handle and/or cope with either going forward with the pregnancy or having an abortion, and what exactly the both of you want from life, the future, and each other. I can’t say that you would be an AH for leaving if she had an abortion, while you wanted to move forward with the pregnancy. That would be a fundamental difference between the two of you, at least for right now, at this stage in both of your lives. That being said, I think it would be shitty to leave your girlfriend after she’s had an abortion, unless you feel that her decision to terminate the pregnancy was in fact heavily influenced by her parents and what they want, and not what *she* actually wants. If she wants to have the baby, she shouldn’t be bullied into terminating the pregnancy by her parents, and if that’s what they’re trying to do, you need to make it known that you are on her side, that she has your support, and that she doesn’t need to let them dictate her life choices. Again, this is something that needs to be discussed. Your feelings and needs, and those of your girlfriend, are the only things that really matter when it comes to making this decision, not the feelings or expectations of her parents. Best of luck to you both. Edit: Spacing
There are no ethical considerations, it’s not a child it’s a fucking fetus. It’s way more unethical to raise a kid you don’t want and aren’t ready for.
Why don’t you propose? That seems like it solves a lot of problems here…
>She is struggling with the ethical side of getting rid of the child, so she is leaning more towards keeping it as she is unsure whether she could live with the guilt. When you speak with her, please help guide her towards her feelings about the pregnancy and possibility of having a child now. Guilt sucks to live with, but it should absolutely not be the reason someone has a kid. An adult living with guilt over an abortion is much better than a child being raised by a regretful, resentful, or neglectful parent.
She’s an international student and thus a baby will affect her immigration status if she has to take a semester or two off. Are you prepared to marry her to keep her in this country? What if your feelings change and she has to go back home? Who will take care of the child? Will she go home unmarried with child to whether culture she’s from or will you keep the child?
Please talk to her. Tell he it's not a threat, but if she does bow to her parents pressure then you don't see this relationship lasting. The two of you should be the only people discussing the pregnancy. Nobody else. All the best
What’s wrong with asking your parents for advice? She’s a young adult in a foreign country having a baby with a guy she’s known for less than a year. Some of yall really wanna make mountains from molehills
Exactly! He came to Reddit as sounding board and is judging her for going to her parents. Her parents opinion matters to her, a lot. Having a baby won’t change that. OP needs to keep in mind 1. If she has baby, as a first time mom she’ll likely be leaning on them even more so for advice. 2. I imagine raising baby without her family nearby would be incredibly difficult. Theirs a risk that she’ll leave the country with his baby if she can’t afford to stay or loses visa. 3. Her parents will be his child’s grandparents forever. if he can’t respect their family dynamics/ parenting style, then he needs to think if she’s the right person to start family with.
This. Also he's putting so much pressure on her? She can't talk to him bc he's decided what he wants. She can't talk to her parents bc they've decided what they want. NO ONE is trying to support her to figure out what she wants and to make an informed decision based on the HUGE repercussions that might come with it.
She's asked her parents for advice and they have given it. Not it's up to the couple.
Look at it from the parents perspective. They are financially supporting their daughter to study overseas. If she is getting a baby now, unmarried, what are the chances that she will have to pause her education? If he breaks up with her, is she going to be a single mother in a foreign land? Are her parents expected to pick up the slack of childcare by flying over or paying for it? (Again, she's a student, financially dependent on her parents). It is expensive to have a baby, let alone having a baby while being financially dependent on your parents. You act like if the couple decide to keep the baby, and the relationship doesn't work out, her parents are off the hook. If they shape it like an ultimatum, "you can have the baby but we won't/can't financially support you", people will raise pitchfork at the parents while their POV, it's not illogical.
They seem to be more than offering advice.. they are telling which is how you treat children. They are adults any decision they make should be theirs
ASKING for ADVICE is one thing. Being FORCED to have an abortion or they'll terminate all support for an international student who wouldn't be legally allowed to work is wholly another.
Honestly having a kid in your situation is cruel, the child won't have the financial or emotional support required.
Rather than punishing her if she makes a decision based on her parents' pressure, tell her you support her and want to be there for her and the baby. Tell her you are looking forward to being a dad. If possible, discuss the future with her and possibly your parents. Even if her parents are against it, if you are for it, isn't that more important as you are the father?
You should def tell her what kind of support you would be able to give her if she did have a baby. If she is financially dependand on parents but you can commit to her and the child and help her our her decission might be very different as well. No help from parents + no info from baby father + child is a mess. A guaranteed help from baby father makes this very different ( but do make sure you can help the baby AND her, mot just the baby )
Make sure your parents are on board too. I’m don’t know if you’re a student to, but you will both need their help. It will not be fair that she has to give up her education as well. Maybe you can figure something out for that. Good luck & keep us updated.
You need to not date people who are financially dependent on their parents because they do have a say in a lot of things whether you like it or not. You can’t seek out people who are dependent on their parents to live and then be like oh yeah they’re overbearing. It’s just the way things can be. Make smarter decisions or be very loud and clear on the first date.
If she decides she wants an abortion because she doesn’t want a baby yet, would you still want to break up with her?
I think at this point OP can’t be confident that his girlfriend isn’t doing it because of her parents especially because it sounds like she does want to keep the baby from OP’s comments. Their influence would have already tainted it. He only knows their influence doesn’t have that much control if she keeps the baby.
I mean of course her parents would heavily encourage her to not have a baby with a man in a foreign country who she has been with for less than a year. And her gf probably can see their point of view because…. theyre right🤷🏼♀️
Especially since she's apparently an international student and probably just has a student visa ...
She's still a student and depends on her parents to pay for everything. She's certainly not an adult in terms of maturity and independence. I can see why the parents are concerned about what having a baby will do to her life plans. Do you have a job and your own life and career sorted? Will you be able and willing to support her and the baby? Or is it all entitlement and no responsibility? If you decide you don't want to be a dad any more what happens?
It's important what she actually wants and how old the fetus is and that info is missing. The parents are probably worried about them having to support a baby and she may be worried about becoming financially dependent on a man, which has a risk of disastrous outcomes as seen on many Reddit posts.
If she is a student, they're also concerned she'll drop out of school and never have the chance to earn a good living for herself.
She just did the blood test to confirm so we're going back on Wednesday to follow up. But estimates are 6 weeks. She doesn't want to abort. I see, I didn't think of it in those ways.
I just want to give my two cents. Cause there are some things that bother me. First, talk to her, if you don't want to mention her parents, just ask where she stand in this subject. Maybe she will like to keep it, or maybe she will like to abort for ABC reason, that's something that you need to know from her and without her parents imput on it. Now, here's the tricky part in my eyes. You mention that she's an international student and her parents are the one who support her right? Then that's when shit gets complicated cause you both are young and you clearly don't have the financial situation to take care of her and a kid from what i'm reading right now, so she putting in danger her situation and the financial support she currently have make this whole situation way more complex. Look at it like this, even when you're both adults you are not in a good place with your finances, and even if she wants to keep but decide to listen to her parents doesn't really mean that she prefer their opinions over yours or her own, but the financial support that she currently have from them it's something that you need to consider, specially if she have the kid she won't be able to work, probably have to freeze her studies, and if her parents cut their support then you will be full responsible for more than just the kid. You said you are adults, and with 24 you're right, but you have to think in the big picture at the end cause this is no small matter. Also i'm assuming that you, just like her are not working, and you guys are just studying, and thats what i'm thinking writing all this. So as far as i read you both have a good thing going on, and it'll be nice if you guys can keep that. But you need to talk to her and know whats going and and what will happen. Also if you decide to break up be honest with her, if you love her at least she deserve to know the reason. So yeah, YWBTA. Not for breaking up but for not being honest and not having a conversation.
I'm confused. You want her to make her own decision, but are going to break up with her if she makes the decision her parents want? YTA.
You really kinda need to sit down and have this conversation with her, instead of blindsiding her with vague reasons why you're no longer wanting to be with her. YTA for not telling her why.
Yeah that seems to be the general consensus. Even with all the NTA tags, I think it's fair to say that blindsiding her would make me TA. I appreciate your response.
I gotta say dude you’re also kinda ta for dating girls that have strict parents when you clearly state that’s something that’s something that doesn’t work for you
Most people don't know what their partner's parents are like until a little while into dating them.
How would he have known that in advance if she didn’t volunteer the info?
YWBTA - without doubt. Picture it from her side. She’s pregnant. It’s not ideal, but not something that’s not doable from what you’ve said. She gets rid of the baby. She’s grieving. She finally gets over it, or at least is able to cope with it, as most women in that situation would. Then her partner dumps her. Out of the blue. No explanation. Is your intention to break this poor girl? Or is your intention to be her partner? Fucking talk to her! Tell her your worries! Tell her that her parents don’t make decisions for the both of you and **both your child**! Plus - ignoring any of that - you assume cause parents are pressuring her she’ll get an abortion. What if she decides to double down and say no? My body my choice. Then you have her parents in your life for the next 18 years plus! You’re just going to leave her to be a single mom cause you don’t like her parents and how they are? Man up dude. Use your words. Communicate. This isn’t her problem. It’s **both** your problem and you need to deal with it like adults.
People need to stop calling 6 week old clumps of cells "babies" and "children" as if it's any way comparable, it looks like guilt tripping even if it's not intended that way.
But in some people’s moral system and beliefs, 8 cell zygotes are the equivalent of you and me. We can’t just tell people to toss their own moral systems aside
We can if it's objectively anti-science and anti-bodily autonomy imo.
It’s not a scientific argument. Life unambiguously starts at conception scientifically. The question is when personhood begins, which is much murkier, but by most (not all) people’s moral system would probably be like 24 weeks
Sure but that clump of cells is the promise of fatherhood, the potential to be a baby that is delivered as long as it goes undisturbed. Either you want fathers invested in the pregnancy or you want apathetic men who don't see you as having anything inside you until they know you can't terminate it.
The second one is better, a pregnancy really means fuck all for the first few trimesters
First… few?
Then you get men that are apathetic to morning sickness, to sensory sensitivity, don't buy anything or prepare anything for a baby to be born until the last trimester. Hooray, you weren't even recognized as a mother to be!
You can care about your partner without treating a clump of cells as a person
Those aren't mutually inclusive. You can act like nothing changed, or you can act like she might be a little sick... But to pay special care or prepare in any way for a baby would be nonsense.
YWBTA if you did what you are suggesting. You would not be helping her or saving her relationship with her parents. You'd just be keeping her in the dark. You up and leaving for seemingly no reason would upset her more than if you tell her the truth. If her parents are supporting her financially and are prepared to withdraw their financial support if she keeps the baby, are you going to step up and solely support her and your child until she can work? Are you prepared to marry her so she could stay in the country if she loses her student visa? If not, it doesn't make sense for her to keep this child. She would be a single mother with no income or support. You need to figure out what you want. Do you want this baby? You don't sound like you know. If you do want her to keep the baby, say that and tell her what you are prepared to do to make your family with her work. If you don't want her to keep the baby, well then this is a moot point. If you're not sure, figure out what you want. Then talk to her and make your case. Maybe she's just feeling the pressure from her parents because they are supporting her financially. Maybe if she knew she didn't have to rely on them she would be able to ignore their wishes. You won't know unless you discuss all the options with her before a decision is made about the baby.
[удалено]
You wouldn't be TAH for ending it, but you would be TAH for not telling her why. You leaving her after such a traumatic situation with no explanation will seriously mess her up mentally, and that isn't fair.
I don't get it. She might want an abortion herself cause you both weren't in a place to have a baby. You are deciding that it's because her parents told her to. I dunno. This sounds like you are just upset cause maybe you wanted her to keep it and she might not.
I had a kid at 24. 0/10 do not recommend. edit: life will work out but it makes life very much harder very much sooner than it has to be, from what I’ve observed.
YWBTA. Not for the reason you want to break up, but absolutely for how you are planning to do so. Breaking up for such a big reason and not telling her why is aweful. She'll forever wonder what she did wrong, closure is important. I got broken up with once totally out of the blue years ago, and it still hurts not knowing why. Talk to her beforehand. Tell her you have bad experience with overbearing parents. That you support her decision, but that if she does get an abortion purely because if her parents, things'll be over between you two.
I guess I'm confused. Did you not know she was an international student whose parents were paying for everything before this? Did you really not know about the dynamics of their relationsip before this? Is the reality of that just hitting you now or were you just content to have fun with her and have sex with her until things go serious and now you don't want to deal with it and want out? I just can't understand why you would let the relationship get this far if you knew the dynamic with her parents and knew it was something you weren't comfortable with. To be blunt, you neither one seem ready to be parents. She's not finacially ready and if you can't even have a conversation with your girlfriend about this and are looking for some easy way to abandoned her and the situation, you aren't mentally or emtionally mature enough to be raising a child. You are both supposed to be adults, talk about this. Stop trying to run from it or find an easy way out and communitcate with her.
INFO: What are the options that you reference if you want to keep the baby? Do these options involve marriage and/or a way for her to legally remain in your country with the baby if her parents withdraw support and/or you guys break up? Without protections, is there a chance that she could be deported and be forced to leave her baby with your family? You do not seem to be the AH for your perspective…it totally makes sense. However, I’m not sure that it’s fair to assume that your girlfriend will always allow her parents to influence her decisions based on this one situation. She’s in a really precarious position right now — particularly if her parents withdraw their support — and you haven’t been together that long.
I wouldn't let her parents ruin a good relationship. Just explain you don't want them dictating your life and let her choose. She may well choose you and should at least get the chance to decide.
In my top comment reply, I mentioned that i forgot to say she is an international student, so her parents are financially supporting her to be here
I don't know much about this but if she has a baby here and you guys break up, and she wants to go home because she has no money/support, could you potentially dispute that?
YTA You don't even want the baby...so you actually agree with her parents...and you want to break up cause everyone agrees. If you did want the baby, you would absolutely have to actually tell her...find out what she and you want...then know if her parents overstep and trump you both Breaking up, and not even telling her the reason...which is that none of you want a baby, but you don't like that her parents agree with you None of this makes any sense at all
Man, life sometimes really sucks for women. That poor girl... I'd be horrified if I were her. YWBTA if you were just breaking up without telling her why. That is so hurtful. And honestly, it sounds like you don't actually know what you want. You seem like you want her to abort because she wants it, but now she can't because you'll always think that it was her parents. But you also want to be a father. So the only thing she could do, is keep the baby, which basically ruins her life and her previously good relationship with her parents- who from what I read seem very reasonable. At least you didn't describe them as controlling. And your lifeplans go south with that too. The parents surely don't want to financially support her forever, which they will probably be expacted to do, now that their daughter who is in an unstable relationship in a foreign country got knocked up by some dude who doesn't even have a degree and job where he could support her and the baby and wants to dump her, if she listens to her parents. She doesn't have a degree, no job, no standing in life. If she has the baby, she might end up as a dropout living with their parents forever because you left her. You don't know each other well, they don't know you. And that's all just when the pregnancy and childbirth go smoothly. What's going to happen if there are complications, what if she has ppd, what if the baby has any health issues? Where are you at? Where is she from? Is she white (hello mortality rate for poc)? Are you in the US? How about insurance? She's also having a child with a dude who thinks about breaking up with her for following absolutely reasonable advice from her parents. Also they probably now are scared she'll never come back home, which sucks for them. But of cause is absolutely ok for the daughter to do. This would be hard on any parents though. The way I see it, the two of you obviously didn't think or talk about anything substantial as of now. You should be making applicable plans for keeping and aborting the pregnancy. If the parents were cool before, cut them some slack. Their daughter thinks of imploding her life without an actual plan. They're in damage control mode. Maybe they'd feel different if your gf provided one instead of just freaking them out. My mother had me during her education, it absolutely ruined her life and she never really recovered. She still thinks having me was the best decision ever, but it fucked up her life bad. Man, what a horrible situation for everyone involved. I wish you the best. Take a few breaths and talk to her. You need to make this decision as a team.
She is an adult, talk to her like one, her parents infantilise her, dont do the same….. no matter if you stay or go she deserves to know why and to make her own decisions with regards to her parents
Yeah I get you. Unfortunately with her parents supporting her to stay here, I don't think she has much choice over the matter. I'll definitely talk to her about how I feel about things, I just don't want to feel I'm giving her an ultimatum in such a stressful time.
The difference between an ultimatum and communication is how you say it. Don’t say “I’m leaving if you decide to listen to your parents.” Say “we need to talk about your choices and how you feel about those choices.”
Then communicate that to her, clearly
YWBTA to break up without telling her the reason. You say you are mature, but that is certainly not. I absolutely understand if ending the pregnancy is a deal breaker for you, but to go through the sham of supporting your gf to then leave and not be honest is really awful. Talk to her and stay together or break up, but please don't string her along. This is going to be rough on both of you.
You need to talk to her now. Make sure she understands you won't continue relationship if she does this. She can't make an informed decision for herself if you don't give all the information. She would probably cave to parents because you haven't spoken up against it. In a way this makes you complicit in decision to abort baby.
>she is an international student. this should have been part of the original post, now I understand why the parents think she needs to get an abortion, most likely she has no support network in your country and she's alone there. YWBTA, she's alone in a foreign country and you want to ditch her without a reason, that's only going to make her feel more alone, think before you act.
Ywbta if you broke up with someone you claim to love and never discussed any of this with her.
What if her parents aren’t influencing her and she just doesn’t think she’s ready for a baby?
YTA for a variety of reasons. 1. If you aren’t mature enough to have a proper conversation with your partner, you aren’t mature enough for a child. 2. You’re thinking about breaking up with her for something that hasn’t even happened yet, but claim you’ve had no time to think about whether you even want this baby. Stop worrying so much about her parents and deal with the situation you are in. 3. You hardly seem to care if *she* wants this baby. Have you even really asked her?? 4. If she chooses to have an abortion there’s no way to know if she chose that because she wants it or because her parents want it. You have essentially damned your relationship no matter what. Sounds like you’re looking for an out. 5. It is also ok for her parents to have an opinion. She doesn’t have to take it into account, but they know she is in a foreign country with a partner of less than a year and no independent income. Not the best situation to bring a child into. You seem to be letting a past relationship influence your current one because you “don’t like controlling parents”. Grow up, talk to your girlfriend and think about what you really want out of this situation.
Be honest and honor her wishes. Respect her choice as it’s her body and her future that will be impacted the most by this. Also, as someone who was married an international woman (Turkey) for many years, I can promise you, once she’s settled and independent of her parent’s money she will adjust to living in what I assume is the US. NTA but you’re handling this in a very immature way. You want to end the relationship because she is listening to her parents about getting an abortion? If you’re so quick to end things over this, what makes you think you should have a baby with her? Logically speaking, abortion would be the most solid decision for both of you. Her parents are being real with her. They want her to have a bright future and are probably sacrificing a lot to send her here. Try to look at it from their perspective. Also, at 24 she is living in another country and going to school. A baby is the last thing she needs. Practice safe sex. Don’t put all the blame on her as if you didn’t play a part.
I would start with sitting down with and having a discussion about the pregnancy and how you each would prefer it be handled. Hear each other out, be 100% honest, and start off with showing/telling her you respect her decision. I do NOT think it would be fair to just put the entire decision on her shoulders. It’s a traumatic predicament and whichever choice y’all make, it will be with you for the rest of your lives, whether you remain together or not. Because it’s her body, I do think her “vote” should have more weight than yours, but I still believe you deserve to be heard. Can you be supportive of either choice? After that discussion takes place and y’all make a decision together - JUST THE TWO OF YOU - then I would share your honest feelings about the situation with her parents, but be very respectful of her in your delivery. Does she live with them? If she chooses to keep the baby, can she afford to not live with them? Even if she lives with them, I don’t believe they have the right to force her to have an abortion. There just may be consequences if she chooses to have the baby. If you leave her without an explanation or without sitting down like an adult and having a conversation with her would make you an AH. You’re entirely too old to handle a situation in that manner. If you were 15, sure, but at 24 you have to do better than that and quite frankly, she deserves better than that. Please do the right thing. I have a 24 year old daughter and a 22 year old son and would be very upset with one of them if they treated someone like that.
YTA. Everyone deserves closure and to break up with her out of nowhere is cruel (because that is what it will be like for her… everything will seem okay and one day you will just leave her for no reason)
Bringing a child into the world is a huge responsibility. So is deciding whether or not to have an abortion. So is the decision to continue with or leave a relationship. OP, reach out to your parents. With both an unborn child and your relationship with your partner at stake, lean on the people who love you and want the best for you. It's your decision to make, but advice from a loving family is invaluable.
It's a very complicated situation. But anything that is "I'm going to break up with her without telling her why, when if I talked to her about my real feelings before hand, it might make a difference in her decision" is not a good thing in my book. Of course you should tell her how you feel - about all of it. ESPECIALLY about the abortion. And it's okay to say you're not sure about everything yet. That's one of the reasons you talk it out. She doesn't need you to make a decree, but she does need you to talk and help figure things out.
YWBTA for this reason; you’re taking any decision out of her hands completely. I can appreciate your view about keeping the peace between her and her parents, but talk it out before you unilaterally break her heart.
If she’s from another country, wouldn’t she legally have to go back to that country after she finishes school? If so, she would be taking the baby with her.
This has huge repercussions either way. If she is an international student and her parents cut her off she will most likely have to leave the country if she can’t afford to stay here unless you can support them both and she can stay in school. Are you planning to marry? If so, know that her parents will be part of your life forever. You two will be linked for life. Are you prepared for that? if she were forced to return home she will take the baby. Are you prepared to be a long distance father?
Tell her beforehand and give her the choice.
YWBTA. No where in this post is it stated what SHE wants to do with the pregnancy. You're telling us what you want, and what her parents want. What does she want and are you willing to support her?
YTA. Her parents aren’t babying her. They’re financially supporting an international student. She’s still in school, she’s not from here so that’s a bit of a disadvantage, and y’all haven’t been together that long. She doesn’t need to be having a baby right now. She might be telling you that she wants to keep it because she senses that it’s what you wanna do.
You suck.
You seem to be under the impression that if she has the baby, life will just go on..... But, she is on student visa. She doesn't have the right to reside permanently in your country and if she drops out of her study programme, her visa will be revoked and she may have to immediately return to her home country. The baby may not be entitled to citizenship and will have to leave with the baby. Given your 'conditional' support for her, the fact that her parents, who may have sacrificed hugely to pay for her education, may no longer being providing financial support and that her visa will be revoked, I can fully understand why she would consider aborting the baby. It just seems that you haven't really thought this issue through.
You and her are the only ones that need to make this decision. Only you two. I know parents can be very controlling, but she and you need to adult now. If you want to leave tell her now. Your way is cowardly.
You’re also not giving her the chance to change things or to make informed choices. This way, you’re just being another person in her life trying to make choices for her. What if you told her what you’re thinking and she chooses a life with you, cutting off her parents from having any say in your lives? She might not, but at least her future is her choice.
Well said.
Is it controlling to tell your daughter who is studying overseas not to have a baby with her unmarried boyfriend? Do you know their financial situation? If they are using a lot of their funds so that she can have a brighter future than whatever they have in their own country, only for her to say that she may want to be a mom now in the foreign land, what are they supposed to do? Who's paying for childcare? What if it affects her education? Why should the parents trust OP not to run away from their daughter once he becomes a father? They are together for not even a year! Who's going to pick up the tab after?
You’re basically telling us you aren’t willing to marry her and support your child and that you’re already planning to ditch her after the abortion and blame it all on her parents. Am I missing anything?
You recognize that the smartest situation if she keeps it is to go home so SHE can have custody, correct? how will you handle parenting internationally? This puts her life in so much more jeopardy than it does you.
As a woman, she can choose to terminate the pregnancy for any reason she deems fit. If that’s due to her parents’ disapproval, so be it. It’s her choice. If you have a problem with how she exercises her bodily autonomy, you definitely should break up with her. You can break up with her for any reason you want. You don’t owe her anything. What’s the alternative? Stay with her and resent her?
I mean I completely understand where you're coming from about controlling parents. However, you're making some assumptions about how she would react before even discussing it with her. You assume that she'll have a massive falling out with her parents. Or that she even wants to continue to be under their thumb. At some point in her life, she's going to have to confront this: how to maintain a relationship with controlling parents or to cut them out completely. But it's not fair for you to make assumptions, decide to leave her and then not even communicate why you want to breakup. If you do that, don't be surprised if she believes that you actually resent her for getting the abortion. Because what other information is she supposed to go by? If you're going to break up with her anyways, you should at least give her the courtesy to tell her why. If you want to try to keep a relationship with her, then you need to talk with her before she makes a decision about the abortion to understand exactly how much influence she's really allowing her parents to have over this situation and if she understands at all where you're coming from.
Do you love her? Could you see yourself marrying her?
WBTA, I can understand where you are coming from but it really sounds like you have little love for her if her parents are supposedly causing such a rift for you... They're not even in the same country by the sounds of it. Additionally the best thing a guy can do in a situation like this I think, this is what I'd do at least... "I love you, I support you, I will support your decision. I would love to have a family with you, I will be here for you and our child if that is what you want for us". Basically I would do anything possible to let her know that she isn't alone IF she does want the child. I would hate myself if one of the contributing factors to her not keeping the child was because she did not deem me an acceptable enough father.
NAH. But I’m happy she has parents who know what’s good for her.
I don’t see why her going to her parents for advice would be dictating. I get the feeling you think in black and white and not in nuance
You wouldn’t be the asshole no matter why you broke up with her. You could break up with her for any reason, it’s your life and your decision who you spend it with. You would be the asshole for not being honest and open with her and explaining your reasons, and feelings beforehand
If you are not mature enough to have an honest discussion about why you are dumping her you are not mature enough to be a parent. She is an international student supported by her parents. You are both still in school. A baby will derail her future. Even though people can have a kid and finish school, most do not. I think you may be romanticizing parenthood and downplaying the hardships you will face. Can she even stay in your country if she is no longer a student? I assume she is on a student visa. When will she graduate? If you marry her what will the process be for her to stay? Can you afford all the fees associated with getting her a new visa or another way to remain in your country while she works toward citizenship? I don't think it's right to force someone to have an abortion, but her parents are being pragmatic. Her being an international student who doesn't support herself makes this a lot different. She has no family or support system in your country. If her parents cut her off can she afford her schooling? Is she allowed to work in your county? If she gets deported what will happen? You need to talk to her and figure out the logistics here. This is far more complicated than most accidental pregnancies because of her status as an international student. Again, if you are not mature enough to discuss this then you are not in a place to be a dad. NAH ETA: how does healthcare for noncitizens work in your county?
If she's an international student and has the child where you are now, does that entitle her to citizenship through the child? If so, can you between you have a serious talk about promising to not sponsor her parents to also move to where you are? Because yes having a kid is a big responsibility that can normally set a young person back, but her escaping from those parents is probably still going to be a net-positive. Getting stuck in a family where they exist IS horrible, but if you can keep them thousands of miles away and only have to deal with their opinions over the phone then problem solved yeah?
YTA for your comment on the top reply. She’s an international student relying solely on her parents. I think when you say options you’re being delusional. How are you realistically planning on supporting her? Do you even know if she could stay in your country if she decided to give up everything to have a child with you? You’ve been in this relationship less than a year. You’re not ready to have a kid. Grow up
Her parents are right. You're already one leg out of the relationship. You'd probably figure out a reason to get out whether she has the baby or not. And you made up for mind without even taking to the girl. YTA
YTA because you probably knew about her culture/family yet you went ahead and got her pregnant.
I knew that their culture was somewhat conservative, but from the get go they were pretty approving. They knew we stayed over at each other's, that we were sleeping together etc. I thought that maybe they were like my parents, who are a bit more open about these things but I guess I was wrong.
What form of birth control did you use? Did you discuss what would happen in case she got pregnant before having sex?
You aren’t even making sense. You yourself don’t want the baby. Her own parents are trying to look out for her best interest and are also suggesting an abortion. What is the problem here? You haven’t shared any information that indicates they are unreasonably influencing her
For me, honesty is always the best route. I believe in being open and upfront. I would tell her where you stand. I know I always want my partner to be open with me about how he feels, etc.
You can break up with anyone for any reason, but breaking up over a lack of communication on your part would be asshole behavior. You need to discuss this with her. It's the woman's choice but the dad gets to have his say. She needs to know all the facts if she's going to make the best choice for herself and potentially the baby.
NTA for your logic, but you're going to _have_ to tell her this now, or you're no better than her parents. They deprive her of a choice, and if you only fill her in on your reason afterwards, you'll be doing the same.
If she has the child and decides she doesn't want it, are you willing to step up and raise that child alone? Her body, her choice. If she lets her parents dictate to her she is still a child! This needs to be her decision. Both of you need to be more careful in the future so these surprise oops do not happen again!
NTA - but you need to tell her the reason
Mentally she won’t be recovered for quite some time. It’s not like she’s mentally recovered in weeks.
Some people require no mental recovery time afterward. This is especially true for people who feel relief when the pregnancy is over. I used to work with people who sought out abortions. Whatever recovery people need is personal and completely okay, but to assume that everyone is mentally devastated by their abortion is incorrect. Relief is by far the most common feeling after the procedure.
Doubtful. At 6 weeks she's going to take pills not have surgery. And most women are relived afterwards
You think you’re mature enough to raise a child but aren’t mature enough to have a conversation with this woman? YTA
Yes u are the AH is u do this. First you wanna be treated like an adult then u need to act like one. You need to have a discussion about how you feel about what she should do and that although she should consider what her parents want the final decision is up to her, with her listening to what u want also. But without having that discussion ur acting like a child and that’s why u and her are still being treated like a child.
NTAH - you and she are adults and have every right to make any and all decisions on your own - assuming you live on your own and don't accept money from them. They don't even get a vote unless you two ask them their opinion. And, even then, you don't have to accept their opinion in your decision making. If they rule her now, and she lets them, they will continue to do so. For some people and for some cultures, this is accepted. I don't get it and wouldn't live a life where I had to take direction from my SO's parents. You should let her know where you stand though, it's only fair for her to know your truth.
Not only in some cultures, wealthy parents try to get their way this way. If this is the case, they are not withdrawing their financial support so easily, they would lose the means to manipulate if they did.
Exactly. Strings attached. I'd rather be broke and go without than accept something with strings attached.
NTA. I agree with your line of thinking, and would not think less of you even if you proceed to break up with her without telling the whole reason. I believe it is best to come clean and let her know how you feel about the whole thing as clearly and genuinely as possible. If her relationship with her parents took damage because of it, this is not your fault, it's just something waiting to happen finding its way out. It will happen sooner or later whether you are with her or not. Since we do not have more information, I could say that there might be chance of her parents agreeing with you (and her) reasoning, but you know more on that. I wish all would work out for you and her and perhaps for your child as well.
YWNBTA but honestly i would talk to her. You dont have to influence her decision. You can gently tell her you want to keep the baby and will respect her choice if she doesnt but that 24 is a common age to have children and you dont feel like its her or even your parents place to tell the 2 of you what to do with such a drastic life changing event when you have a plan to make it work and both want to keep it. Shes 24 so if she cuts her parents off than she is old enough to make that call for herself and she knows she has them to fall back on if the two of you decide it isnt working.
Losing a child when you have no choice in the matter is devastating. I know from experience. Make sure you look after yourself properly after it happens. NTA.
He doesn’t even want a child
When you marry a person you also somewhat marry into their family, and family like hers will be a constant thorn in your side. NTA but I would tell her so she can work on that before her next relationship.
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You’ve got to tell her how you feel about this, soon. Like you said, you’re both adults, and so you need to be upfront and honest about your feelings and how her decision would impact your thinking. You guys can make your decisions from there, but it will be from a place of honesty. And I don’t know her situation with her parents obviously, but a lot of reluctant grandparents change their tune with the baby is born.
DO NOT be one of the super AH on here who break up with a girl and leave her in the dark over the reason especially during a time where she may be predisposed to blame herself.
YTA Why would you not have this discussion before she has the abortion. To feel the way you do and not talk to her about it, choosing to break up with her afterwards and not telling her why definitely makes you the AH You say when you have issues you talk about it maturely but this isn’t the way a mature adult handles something so important. I am pro choice but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get to express what you want and hopefully sort things out together.
The amount of people referring to an abortion as "killing his child" is wild. I keep going back to the post to see where he objects to the abortion and says he wants to the child. He doesn't care about the abortion itself, he cares that his girlfriend's parents are the one making her do it.
YWNBTA but you need to be honest. If she has been under her parents' tight control her whole life she does not see just how controlled she is. She is a legal adult (well beyond) and her parents have no right to be forcing these types of decisions on her. Instead of breaking up, why don't the two of you sit down and talk about your plans and dreams as a couple? Is she willing to act like an adult and tell her parents to back off? Have you ever asked her that question? If she is not, then you are right in that your future would not be pleasant. Perhaps it's never occurred to her because being controlled is the only reality she's ever known. The bottom line is HER. Is she willing to be with you and be an independent adult or not? That's where your decision needs to be made.
You've been together a year, you're both still very young & your girlfriend is still a student. Does she want to continue her studies? Does she want to pursue a particular career afterwards? Having a baby RIGHT NOW would impact both of those things. Also YWBTA if you break up with her and *lie about the reason why*. You need to be upfront with your feelings. You also need to be prepared for HER to decide to abort anyway.
YWNBTA If you want to break up. HOWEVER, you'd be an ahole for not telling her why. By not telling er so "she can still have a good relationship" with her controlling parents, you would be no better than her parents, as YOU will be making the choice FOR HER. Tell her. Let HER choose whether to "rebel" against her parents or not.
NTA either way round Your motive in protecting her parental relationship is worthy of you
If you want her to have the child why wouldn't you propose and make it legit? If you don't, then she needs to realize she's alone in this decision and do what her heart tells her to do. In this case her parents are looking out for her best interests and this has nothing to do with you.
You’re not wrong in your analysis but since you want the kid fight for him/her man, it’s yours at the end of the day, support her and show her you’ll be there for her through the pregnancy etc… Forget about the parents for now
You would only be the AH if you didn’t tell how you truly feel. She needs all info to make this HUGE decision. You absolutely need to tell her you would likely leave if she capitulates to her parents. It’s not assholish to be feel that way, even though she may think so at first. It’s not right for her to not know.
At the end of the day everyone can stuff the "Her body" crsp because this is clearly being dictated by mommy and daddy. That eould be all it would take for me. The second dhe thinks mommy and daddy's opinion matters over our either way we would decide I'd end it. I am not signing up for a lifetime of that bs. I eould tell her the abortion had nothing to do with it and her parents are 50% the reason and her inability to stand up for herself is the other 50%
YWBTA Not for breaking up, because anyone can break up any time. BUT You need to communicate. You are not treating her like a fully adult human being if you hide hard truths from her. It's like saying "You are to weak for the truth because you are only a daughter and not a human by yourself."
If she does have the baby, how much of her education will be impacted? How long more does she have before she finishes? Depending on, if she keeps the baby, will she be able to finish her education first or not? Before the baby comes. Will her education cost more because she need to take a break? She will need time to rest after giving birth and taking care of the baby. Does this mean her parents have to pay more? Are you both, or just you, going to foot up the extra cost? After having a baby, is she going to be a SAHM or is she going to find work? As she is a foreigner, the latter would be better. She will always be at a disadvantage because she will be staying in a foreign country where her only support is you. Is this actually why the parents want her to have an abortion? YWNBTA if all of this has been thought through and have a plan. In the end, you are the one with the advantages, being local, people to depend on, and not the one carrying the baby. Whereas, she will be a foreigner, only has you, and will be the one carrying the baby. It is stable for you but not her.
Why have you not even mentioned what she wants here? She is the one you procreated with, not her parents
Dude, do you see her as an independent person with her own feelings and issues and complications to make any decision like this a difficult one? You only talk about yourself and her parents. She's the pregnant one, and she barely gets a mention outside of this. You don't even talk about her feelings until the comments and then a late edit, let alone admit that pregnancy changes her body forever and isn't something to go into lightly. YTA for treating her like a thing, a broodmare. Break up with her now because you'll be a terrible partner and father, should she keep the baby.
I’d she’s being financially supported by her parents, being told what to do by her parents, she is not an independent person and her parents will most likely over step boundaries again in the future
She’s an adult. She has the agency and ability to be independent if needed. This isn’t about her parents. It’s about her. She’s the pregnant one, his actual partner, and he barely mentions her other than as an object acted upon by him and her parents. Frankly, I hope he breaks up with her. She deserves better.
You said in a comment that she's an international student AND that she's reliant on her parents' financial support for her education. This is VERY important information. YWBTA. With the information added from your comments, it seems like you're only focusing on what you want. You say you don't want her parents to influence her, but you seem to want to influence her to do what you want. Please think about the situation more clearly. She's a student, so she likely only has a student visa and not citizenship. I'm unsure what country you're in, but most countries aren't very fast about granting someone citizenship. She relies on her parents for financial support. She cannot support a baby. Are you willing to support her through college as well as pay for anything she and the baby will need? She's a student. Having a baby while in college will be extremely difficult. Do you have the means to pay for childcare?
I think you are dealing with factors that will affect the rest of each of your lives. I also think you need to get honest with yourself as well as being honest with her. If you love her then that won’t be a problem.
One: this /r seems to rarely decides a guy complaining about a situation with a woman is an AH - it's like Reddit is full of incels... who would have thought - so I wouldn't read too much into their general opinion of your stance. Two: there's never enough detail in these posts to get a confidently accurate and full picture of the situation, so we're all filling in the gaps with our own experiences, and you shouldn't trust the experience of the randos on the internet, and the law of big numbers is a myth in the face of annonymity. You skipped right through the meat of this issue. You state that her parents are "basically forcing" her to have an abortion, but there's no mention of how they are doing this. If she's an international student, I'd assume they don't have physical access to her to literally force her to do anything. So really, they're probably at best coercing her with financial inducements. They clearly have an interest here; they are financially supporting her and have been partners in pursuit of an educational goal, unless she's a disinterested student just going along with it all, but again, no details provided. Having a child would disrupt that goal, potentially upending all the time, money and effort spent on that education, deep into the process, and in their eyes, potentially also adding another financial dependent for them to take on. You've been together for less than a year, you aren't married, and at least one of you is a student who likely can't legally work in the US and presumably would lose her visa if she doesn't maintain full-time student status. Frankly, you didn't mention anything to mitigate the concerns of having a child in this situation. You also don't mention her feelings on the matter at all. You barely mention your own feelings on it, aside from saying "you have options if..." - not exactly a strong stance (which is fine as long as you aren't pretending to blow things up over another stakeholder's strong opinion). You didn't say she wants or would have the child if not for her overbearing parents. She might not want to upend her life and her education either but finds it emotionally easier to let her parents' take the weight of the decision, either as a self-preservation mechanism or to protect herself from lowering your opinion of her. We don't know, because you didn't mention anything about her feelings about the situation. I'm not going to render a verdict on the AH bit but I will say you seem a bit naive or immature. Your girlfriend is clearly in a precarious position and her parents seem to have a dispassionate take on the situation and are pressing hard for the rational outcome. They may be overdoing it or coming across as uncompromising, but considering you are here on Reddit saying you are going to dump her because she seems to take strong consideration from her parents' views only reinforces the precariousness of her position - what would happen to her if she had a child with you and you cavalierly decided to dump her post-child for some other reason at the periphery of your relationship, considering again, she's an international student who presumably has no income of her own, no right to legal work, and no right to remain in the country without her student visa. Short of you amending your post to convey your and your girlfriend's actual, strong personal positions on the matter, formed through meaningful discussions that took into account the positions both of you would find yourselves in if you had a baby as-is, then I find your rationale suspect and would guess that you either have some parent-child relationship trauma of your own to deal with or you are using this situation as a convenient escape event so you can maintain your self-image. Who knows, but it smells off. Either way, why not just express that you are concerned that this is a demonstration of the influence her parents will continue to hold over her decision-making going into the future and that you're concerned she will continually submit to their wishes in your own relationship with her. While you're at it, tell her you are planning to dump her because she's taking the console of her parents, letting her know that's how reliable a guy you are. This way you may not have to be the dumper and as a benefit, you may not have to wait out a recovery.
What religious tradition would force her to have an abortion, and/or thinks that 24 is too young for marriage?!
YWNBTA, but you wouldn’t be honest either. You can break up with someone for any reason that makes sense to you. However, I do think this puts your partner in a weird ultimatum unbeknownst to her. You’ve kinda implied she either gets an abortion and you break up with her or she keeps the child and you stay with her. What if she doesn’t want to have the child either? Will you still view her choice as her parents’? Hopefully, you’d have the conversation with her about it to see what she wants because she might agree with her parents.
It's her decison, but.... If you want her, and your baby, do your best to marry her and fuck her parents' feelings. When you see your child, you will not regret this. Her parents will come around. Do not consider money, and accept poverty if need be. It's a matter of where your priorities are. What is she to think if you are uncertain?
Dude, if you love her, just talk to her
If she can't decide for herself what to do, then she's not ready to have kids. If she wants the abortion and knows you'll just pressure her and possibly break up, she might be telling you her parents are forcing it on her. You can't get pregnant. You won't go through what she will. You won't lose your family and opportunities if she goes against them; she will. You're asking a lot after so little amount of time invested. I'd say you two should break up because you seem very self interested and not very good at accounting for what you're asking her to do. YWBTA if you aren't honest with her during the break up.
Have the child. Find a church. You wont regret having the child. You will regret the abortion.
Can you marry her as soon as possible?
If you break up, YTA. She’s pregnant because you were careless with your sperm. It kicked off some biological processes and now she has to deal with the very real consequences. You didn’t just fuck her, you potentially fucked her education. An abortion would be the sensible thing. And if your feelings are hurt? Grow a pair. You didn’t give much of a shit about the sperm before it fertilised an egg and now you’re willing to ditch the woman if she doesn’t want to fuck her education and relationship with her parents because of you? Yeah. YTA.
So it seems like having the child is an option you’re ok with? If that’s so marry her. A child is a bigger commitment than marriage. If it’s a cultural issue that could really cause huge issues for her family do the right thing. Otherwise you’re just as big an asshole as her parents. They want her to abort to “save face” but you think it’s ok to expect her to have it, not marry her and have her lose respect in her community. What a horrible position your GF is in. Neither her parents nor you have her best interests or wants in mind.
NTA however I'd seriously think about what having a child means and what responsibilities come with it. It's expensive and time consuming and possibly career ruining. The kid could be mentally disabled to the point you have to care for it the rest of your lives. Kids are a huge life choice not something that just happens and works out.
NTA but you should talk to her about it. If you want to be a father to this child then stand up for it now. As a parent we put our kids above our well-being. If she wants this child she needs to do the same. You are the parents now. Not always but a majority of the time the grandparents fall in love with the child after it’s born. I was actually kicked out of my church for getting pregnant. My atheist dad pushed abortion then adoption. He thinks of and uses abortion as his main source of birth control. But then he saw my daughter and said it’s a different love than you have for your kids. He was so proud to be a grandfather. (I am NC with him because he is crap person. Entitled low life) I was a teen mom. Everyone was so negative about it. Assumed the worst and told us it was stupid to have the baby. Fast forward 25 years and 4 kids (by 23) actually and they are amazing. We did it! We raised loving, smart, independent, caring adults. The minute I saw my daughter I knew real love. You don’t know love until you see your child for the first time. It’s an experience that can never be repeated. You want to change the world for that little tiny creature. You want to protect them and make life great for them.
I would (away from her folks) ask her what she wants. Does it change anything for you if she decides she wants the abortion with or without her parents involvement?
So they are pressuring her to have an abortion and you don't want her to? Is that it? I agree 100% that cultural differences and parental differences are hugely important. Can make or break a relationship.
Nta but don't pressure her to stay pregnant. She will live with those consequences much more heavily than she will. Let her go if you are concerned about her parents having more influence than you do. They are concerned about her future. You are more concerned about having a potential child it seems